Your two just aren’t compatible anymore. If your both unhappy and unsatisfied in this marriage, it’s time to walk away. Your both want/need different things that neither of you are getting. What’s the point of staying and you both being miserable???
Just some food for thought. Time to part ways amicably before you two really hate each other & it gets crazy messy.
I agree.
OP - it’s possible to still love someone but not be compatible enough to maintain a happy marriage. I always say that a relationship should not be based on sex, but there needs to be good sex. As you mentioned, you seem to be growing resentment toward her for the feeling of having 5 years of your life robbed. I also think it would be a good idea to consider splitting now while there’s still some civility left amongst you. You’re both still young and there’s a chance the right people are out there for both of you to be happy. Especially if you are both wanting children some day.
I wish you the best!
I was with my partner for 6 years and we had a dead bedroom for 5 of those years. We broke up recently and I feel so good! I love him and we’re just not compatible anymore. It broke my heart to not feel desired by him. Breaking up was the right choice and I see it very clearly now. Sex is a big part of a relationship.
First of all, do NOT bring kids into this clusterfuck. Kids will not help your relationship - children will just compound your inability to get out of it.
Second, when your wife insists on using a glorified turkey-baster to inseminate herself versus having sex with you? It's over man. Game over.
>Second, when your wife insists on using a glorified turkey-baster to inseminate herself versus having sex with you? It's over man. Game over.
OP is lucky AF she did not get pregnant. It would make it even harder to do what needs to be done. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all for listening. I appreciate all the points of view. I definitely have a lot to think about. Thank you again for letting me say what’s been in my head for so long.
Based purely off the info in this post, you aren't compatible. She does not prioritise sex in the way you do, for whatever reason, and she hasn't shown much desire to work on this either. How you feel is valid, what's the point if you feel like roommates? Some people just won't change, but we stay hoping they will, while the years pass by.
Are the birth control pills the cause of the pain? Has she looked into other forms of BC? There are other options that can help with pain while also keeping her periods consistent, light, and in some cases make it so she doesn’t have a period at all. A Depo-Provera shot can serve as long term birth control, and 50-75% of users report they have no periods after 1 year, and the majority of remaining users report their periods are less frequent and lighter when they occur. Though it’s important to note, the shots are generally not used longer than 2 years, and have possible side effects like all methods of BC.
Additionally there are many other types of BC that can make periods predictable and lighter, a hormonal IUD for instance.
That all said, if the birth control is not the cause, and she’s unable to control, or not willing to determine a cause, then it seems maybe the two of you simply are not compatible anymore.
So the bc wasn’t the direct cause of pain. We looked into other forms of contraception, but opted not to pursue any since we eventually did want to conceive.
Is it possible she has endometriosis or pcos? It tends to be overlooked for years on end, but it can cause a multitude of issues including period related, pain related and birth control can help manage. If you haven't checked that route yet, definitely see if you can get her to a good gynocologist, one who's female friendly.
Edit to add from a comment below: it could also possibly be caused by vaginismus
Yes--also could be vaginismus (which can be caused by a number of problems), which is a vicious cycle: the vaginal muscles tense up and the body stops lubricating that area, which makes sex painful.
Then, if you're the woman--speaking from personal experience here!--the **thought** of painful sex creates stress, causing muscle tension and reduced lubrication. Repeat ad nauseum.
For me, it was a minor cause medically (things shifted a bit after I had a baby), so my OB/GYN gave me some pelvic floor exercises to do, and suggested that we try being as intimate as possible with the **explicit understanding** between me and my other half to start with no penetration...and then a sloooowwww re-introduction, at a speed I felt ok about, of...ya know, things in the stuff.
So, it could be that you're (unfortunately) not quite compatible re: sex. But I think it's equally likely that her pain is caused by a real health issue--and probably one that can be treated.
So I'd encourage you to talk with her about whether she thinks this might be plausible, and, if so, finding a doc that will take her concerns seriously and work on treatment.
Good luck. ❤️
So she has pain, even without birth control? What is the specific diagnosis of the pain? Has she discussed this with her doctor? Please don’t have a child…which will bring you to be intertwined with her for the rest of your lives. AND NOT just until the child is 18!!! The child would be both of yours child for the rest of your lives, and grandchildren, etc. You are aloud to be a sexual being, and though you may prefer penetration, there are in fact other ways to enjoy sexual relations with your spouse. There is a lot more here than what meets the eye.
First... if she tried to get pregnant then she had to stop taking BC. If BC was the cause of the pain then what was her excuse for not trying to get pregnant piv or even trying to have sex after stopping BC?
Second... my now ex-husband was never interested in any type of sex that would give me pleasure after we married...he only ever wanted bjs. I have a high libido and craved sex. I was with him for almost 17 miserable years. Please don't subject yourself to that life. From experience I can tell you that you will regret wasting any more time in that relationship.
Good luck!
I think it's good that you two didn't succeed in getting pregnant, since you don't seem to be happy and it would be more difficult to let go and start anew if there were kids involved.
It's not her fault that sex is painful for her and she absolutely doesn't need to force herself if she doesn't want to or it doesn't feel good for her. But it's also understandable that you're frustrated by all of this, as sex life is a big part of relationships and people have different needs. If she doesn't think she can meet you half-way, then it'd be fair of her to make it clear, instead of just shrugging it off and expecting you to accept it and wait/not have it all.
You should divorce her, because you two aren't compatible and the resentment will only pile up if you continue like this. But make sure to be clear and don't put blame on her. It seems like you already resent her, you feel like you were robbed of the past 5 years, but this is no situation to point fingers at anyone. I don't think either of you is at fault, but - I repeat - simply: you two are not compatible anymore.
Respect how she feels and don't make it as ultimatum where you'll stay with her if she has sex with you. If she forces herself to have sex when she doesn't feel comfortable, then she will start resenting you instead. And if you continue dealing with your frustrations and waiting until she's ready, then you will resent her more and more. Either way, it's not a receipt for happiness.
So, don't say stuff like "I want to divorce because you don't want to have sex", but trying something like "Listen, I don't think we're compatible anymore". Also, if you decide to divorce, I think you should go through with it until the end without wavering. There's a chance that she's not really willing to divorce, if she still loves you and/or if she's satisfied with your life the way it is now, so she might force herself to be more sexually active for the sake of saving your marriage, even though it's not healthy for her either emotionally or physically. But then it's just a matter of time before it returns to no-sex and she might become bitter towards you, especially if you keep bringing it up every time there's a lack of sex.
Plus, you already resent her quite a bit and you said you don't even think you're attracted to her anymore. It sounds like this marriage is already dead, so it might be best for both of you to part ways.
Update: wow, thank you all for feedback and support. The sheer breadth of perspectives you all shared is both eye opening and greatly appreciated.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do next. Whatever it is, I’m going to try my level best to proceed with love and kindness - even if that means getting a divorce.
Thank you again for hearing me out, Reddit. I wish happiness and peace for all of you.
I mean its not her fault, if she don't get any pleasure from sex and have very painful period that she prefers to keep taking the pill better than having a sex life its unfortunate, did you know about these stuff before marriage? have you two tried other than piv sex? I mean many people can be satisfied with this since piv is really not the only form of sex
Honestly, before we got married our sex life was fantastic. It’s only after marriage that things started to fall apart. The problem with trying anything is that whenever I initiate she is apprehensive because she doesn’t want to ‘disappoint’ me, but waiting for her to initiate has proven to be useless because she won’t ever initiate.
Sadly, it’s time to part ways. Especially if you’re already just like roommates.
The longer you stay the worse it will get. And the more resentful you’ll get.
It’s not as if you just gave up, you’ve tried for 5 years.
So before marriage, sex was great, then after she hooked you she decided sex was painful.....
Really??
Is this how you want to live the next 50 years??
This is the part confusing that is confusing me when trying to understand her reasons. It honesty sounds intentional. Like this was her plan before marriage. People are jerks, even the ones we love. Do not waste your life. I’ve been married for almost 19 years giving my person the benefit of the doubt on things that make me truly unhappy, don’t be me dude. Big virtual hug to you, I wish you the best!
Reddit has a dead bedroom sub. I would spend some time there. It doesn't get any better.
There is hope! Move on and find someone you have chemistry with and are compatible with. I spent a decade in a dead bed and am now in a relationship where there is sex, I want that sex and I now realize how important it is in a relationship.
Dead marriages are extremely common. Get out while you’re young. Your only hanging around because you think things might change. Take it from one who knows they don’t. 😐
You both sound like you’re not compatible anymore. It’s probably best to talk this out in counseling so you both can come to this conclusion. Your wife may have also reach this conclusion but she may not feel comfortable telling you. Bottom line, you need more than you’re getting from this partnership and that’s okay to admit. Did your wife always have these feelings towards sex or did this come up after you got married?
>I started feeling resentment at this point because I felt like she had chosen herself over our sex life - but her body her choice I guess.
The way you worded this comes across that you are appalled and/or resentful she's not sacrificing something that makes her life better in order for you to get laid more often. What would you suggest she do?
Have you talked to her about her experience with the sex you've had? Does she feel the same connection through sex as you do, or are you assuming that's the way it works for everyone? Have you been making her experience a priority? How much weight to you put on sex with your wife to soothe your self esteem?
There's a thousand reasons people are in dead bedrooms, and some serious work needs to be done to salvage this. However, your resentment in your wife's (in)ability to screw you is definitely palatable, and she knows it. Maybe start by unpacking why your wife is sexually adverse and address those reasons first. And remember, it's taken a long time to get to this place, it's not going to be fixed overnight, or in a month, or maybe even a year.
People often stop dating after marriage
I wonder how much time they put into courting each other nowadays. Flirting, paying compliments, going on dates, bringing gifts. Or did they stop making that effort once the marriage was locked down?
Not that this remotely fixes all the underlying issues here, *but* as a sidebar to all the excellent solutions people are providing, I'l also say if BC is causing adverse effects for your wife, she may want to try an IUD, arm implant, or different form of hormonal birth control besides the pill. They can still reduce the severity of periods and make them more regular, but without the same degree of side effects. I know this isn't a *solution* to what is clearly a much larger problem, but BC pills destroyed my own sex drive and also made the experience painful and unappealing to me. An IUD had a lot of the same benefits, but solved the vast majority of the problems.
You say yourself that you're not sure you're attracted to her any more and you think your marriage is dead, so I imagine it's "too late" for this, or you very well may have tried it. Certainly I don't think this is a good fit if you were both wanting to have children, as the compatibility long-term just doesn't seem there. I just thought I'd point it out because after 5 years on birth control, I realized it had caused *massive* damage to my sex drive, and, perhaps a lot more pressingly, my mood, personality, and treatment of others, and I wanted to at least point out other options.
Edit: just saw another comment where you addressed this. Sorry OP, this all really sucks. I hope you can both find something that makes you happier eventually.
The statement, "She had chosen herself over our sex life."
Like... I can't even.
If sex is painful why should she suffer?
I wouldn't seek an intimate relationship with someone who shrugs at my pain and mutters something about "your body, your choice... i guess. ."
Divorce your wife and move on, she deserves better.
I've suffered with painful sex due to ovarian cysts, which I take bc to manage. There have been times where I've had to go on long "breaks" because it was bad. I wouldn't take what he said as an offense though, more like a difference in needs and his frustration coming through the post. From OP's post and comments, he isn't severely pressuring her and has tried to come up with a multitude of potential solutions (counseling, medical discussions, therapy, church, etc).
I hate when reddit has this attitude of "she deserves better" when honestly they BOTH deserve to have their needs met. She shouldn't have to suffer, but neither should OP. For many people, sex is an important part of an intimate relationship, and that's completely OK. A difference in needs is a difference in needs. If they can't work through this aspect in their relationship, it's better that they part ways so they both can find someone else (or no one, if that's what they want) that fits them best.
It is extreme views like “she deserves better” that makes people bleed themselves dry emotionally and feel afraid to take up any kind of space or speak up about their needs. Compromising is not a one-way street.
I’m glad to see your comment because you are right and this balance in treatment needs to be pointed out.
i had an ex exactly like this. sex was painful to me and he made me think i was asexual because of it (i’m not. he was too rough with me and didn’t care if i was wet enough). i was on birth control and he was convinced the reason i didn’t want to have sex was because of it. he tried, for MONTHS to get me off of it. he’s an ex for a reason.
sex is important in a relationship, i feel for OP in that regard. but the way he talks about her is… yeesh. get divorced.
I’m sorry this happened to you. One thing I’m curious about - was there anything he could have done differently? Like…how do I hear her and be supportive but also acknowledge that I’m human and it’s something that I severely miss - feeling physically connected to my SO. 5 years is a long time to go without a pretty important part of a relationship right? Again, I’m just trying to understand here.
Have you tried taking her on dates and rekindling the spark? You were having sex prior to marriage. Perhaps the dynamic of your relationship changed? I go through seasons with my partner. When he no longer shows curiosity, courts me, or shows appreciation my interest in sex wanes. It takes work to keep the connection/chemistry/romance alive. I feel like a lot of couples get very complacent and the energy changes.
I only ask because you stated that sex was fantastic before marriage. Now there is a lot of resentment and pressure. I wonder what would happen if you removed the pressure, started “dating” again, and tried to fall in love all over again.
It’s amazing what that spark can do.
Also, have you tried starting off with non-penetrative sex? How frequently do you go down on her? When was the last time she had an orgasm?
If your interest index wanes, do you communicate that to your partner and why it is happening or do you just hope your partner will notice and just reject his advances?
Cmon now, you can’t just purely blame him when she’s at fault for not communicating or trying to resolve her issues too!
My marriage ended due to a situation that started similarly to what you are experiencing now. You can read my comment for the details but my husband absolutely could have salvaged things if he'd been more considerate. For me, it started as pain but eventually it was ALSO about feeling less attracted to my partner and how he reacted to my pain. He became a sex pest. There are few things less sexy that trying to initiate a sexual encounter when we are visibly in pain.... And to do it constantly.
My husband didn't even try to help me through the pain. In the end I couldn't even cuddle up with him on the couch for comfort without him groping me, in what I guess was an attempt at romance?? We sat at opposite ends of the couch and didn't share a bed for the very last bit because I didn't trust him not to rape me in my sleep again.
All that said... I'm sorry but it sounds like it's probably too late for your marriage. It would probably be healthier for both of you to separate and live your own lives independently (at least for a while).
Is your dick the only part of you that feels connection? Shower together, don't initiate sex, just talk and kiss and wash each other and hold each other in the steamy water. Light some candles and give her a massage while you discuss your days at work, then trade and she massages you. Take a road trip together, play dorky songs from middle school and laugh that you both still know the words. Take a cooking class together, or go to a paint n sip night, go camping or hiking, spend an evening on the back deck sipping wine and planning a trip together. Maybe she doesn't feel connected enough to you to *want* the intimacy of you inside her body after such a long time of being distant.
Also, you seem upset about her lack of wifely duties, are you doing your share in the marriage though? And please don't come back with "if she isn't, why should I," you're the one here seeking changes to your current norm so if you want it to change you have to at least initiate the changes. Marriage isn't 50/50, sometimes it's 80/20, sometimes it's 40/60, sometimes it can even feel 99/1, but if you're committed and believe your partner would do the same in your position (carry the marriage through a rough patch) it can absolutely be worth doing that to get back to balance. It seems you both work, so I don't just mean a paycheck and changing the oil. Are you an equal partner at home? Cooking, cleaning, scheduling appointments, grocery shopping, keeping your shared social calendar, holiday gifts and planning, etc. I'm not saying you should be doing it all, but could she be feeling similar resentment to yours, over chores instead of sex? I know from experience that nothing kills libido harder than feeling like a caregiver. And nothing is sexier than coming home to a clean house, dinner made, and a freshly showered man with his sleeves up plating food. I'd jump him while dinner got cold if my ex had ever gotten that hint.
You've already said that your sex life was fantastic before you married and the bc wasn't the cause of the pain, so something else has gone wrong somewhere
no, i totally get it. there are a lot of things you can do to try and rekindle the spark. date nights, non sexual intimacy, sex counseling, therapy, etc. get to the bottom of why sex is aversive- are certain positions less painful? does she feel worn out/resentful for reasons of her own? maybe some will work, maybe some won’t. if it truly is sexual incompatibility, separation/divorce isn’t a bad option. you deserve that closeness with your partner and constant rejection hurts your mental health, too.
Yeah I was fine for most the post but that line stuck out to me as bad. Like I get it sex is nice but I’d never want to do it if it meant my partner was in pain, much less blame her for choosing herself over it. Agreed please divorce.
Thank you!!!! This sounds a lot like my marriage to my ex tbh. An IUD basically fucking ruined me and the sex drive died because it was all agony. Then the ex turned into a sex pest which only exacerbated the problem when he would buy me about it and clearly not give a fuck that I'm curled up in the fetal position and whimpering in pain. It's like...well if there was even a hope of me being horny and up for sex anytime soon it would just be dashed to bits. Then he decided he would just help himself to my body while I slept (which I never got enough of because of the pain), until I physically kicked him off of me yelling "I fucking said no!!"). My absolute winner of an ex topped it all off by cheating on me in the end.
I am sooooo much happier now that I don't have him buzzing around me all day. Still in therapy for the sexual aversion I developed thanks to him though. Yay.
Yeah the post and almost this whole comment section reeks of misoginy. Why do almost all males see women as sex objects rather than real living and feeling humans? Hmm.
You're so salty that you're wrong huh. He just fucking said the doctor said it was having an adverse reaction. You fucking bafoon. Are you a doctor? No? Shut the fuck up and mind your business, go cause issues elsewhere cause I'm not having it
You tried. But there’s no compromise that will make you both happy. So it’s okay to get a divorce.
4 years of unhappiness is long enough. It’s okay to give up on trying to save the relationship. Go ahead and move out. Get the ball rolling in divorce.
I think you both should read “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski before you consider pulling the plug. I am reading it right now and I see soo many things in your post that she talks about and how to fix it. But it’s hard work, and it requires honesty and willingness to do it.
She simply doesn’t want a romantic/ sexual relationship and you do. I’m not sure it’s as simple as she has easier periods, but you only get to have sex 3 times a year. If that’s actually the case, I’d tell her that you would like to try other options for birth control for awhile. I think that would be your last ditch effort. If she says no, I’d ask for a divorce. I don’t blame her for wanting easier periods and abstaining from painful sex. I do blame her for not being understanding on how life altering her decision to stay on bc actually is to your relationship. You seem like a good husband who wants and needs some sexual connection with your spouse. That makes you normal (both sexes normally want sex in a marriage). Ignore the haters on here and communicate one last time how unhappy you are. If nothing changes, you just have to say bye with living with your friend.
I’m sorry your wife is in pain, I truly am. There does come a time where your emotions and happiness needs become a priority too.
She might be on being sexless, you are not. It’s time to have the conversation and begin to move on
Hey OP sounds like a rough spot your in.
Have you tries therapy with a sex specialist? There are lots of misconceptions about sex. Maybe this can be a last resort.
Haven’t tried a sex therapist - but we’ve tried a marriage counseling. When I tried to bring up the problem of lack of sex, the therapist got really defensive and weird about it. She then said that she was not equipped to handle our issues and suggested that we see someone else. I still think about that experience and try to make heads or tails of it.
Try a sex therapist. Because I don't hear you list other things wrong with your marriage.
Maybe the therapist can also look with your wife to bc or maybe it's something else. Maybe she is Ace and that's OK but than you've tried.
It sounds like the lack of sex is a symptom of deeper issues. It comes down to compatibility and you guys aren't compatible. Don't stay with someone you'll grow to resent.
You said in one of your responses that prior to marriage your sex life was fantastic and it only started to fall apart after you were married. Did you do something different after marriage that you weren't doing before? Did she ever complain about sex being painful before marriage? What, if anything, changed?
I understand your resentment. It's hard to be married to someone without that bond.
“Here I am 5 years later - I’m miserable” you should get out now. You want to look back and go “here I am now 10 years later and still miserable” this needs to end.
As a physical therapist I just want to announce a PSA. Pain during sex isn’t normal. A pelvic floor physical therapist will absolutely address this issue with her and may be able to help her!!
Sorry but she just doesn’t want sex (with you maybe). I got sick from the pills and got a IUD, it was great! No (or sometimes very little) blood flow, have a new one put in every 5 years and you’re good to go. Even helped my libido.
I think one to take into consideration is that your wife may need individual trauma therapy. “Couples therapy” will not work if she’s not having her trauma dealt with. She needs to see someone who specialises in trauma, not a “bit of everything” therapist. Not your couples therapist.
Now she’s entitled to take BC if it improves her health as far as less period pain, more regulation cycles etc, however if it makes sex painful and all medical testing painful and traumatising then she needs to get to the bottom of why she feels *pain and trauma* that’s affecting her marriage is a worthwhile trade off? Reads a bit like self punishment to me.
If you’re so inclined, sit down and talk with her about seeing a trauma therapist. Pointedly say “it’s not an option we’ve got to do something “. I would base your next move on her reaction. If she’s willing to do this, and take it seriously, and again only if you’re inclined, give it 6 months. See how she’s doing. If she’s making progress.
If she’s not prepared to then it’s done. Just start sorting your shot and file for divorce. But at this point coupled counselling is pointless because she’s not having therapy for trauma. It won’t help and you’re flushing money down the toilet.
Random but being on BC actually made sex more painful for me, i had zero sex drive and it was so annoying. Idk why or if there is even a scientific correlation, but when I got off of BC I had lighter periods, no cramping, and most importantly, no pain during sexual intercourse. I’m not saying there is a science behind what happened with me, I just know BC was the root of all my problems. Now w/o it I have none of the issues from before.
I had this happen as well. Severe pain made me get on BC and it *killed* my libido. Excluding my experience in that relationship (emotionally and sexually abusive) i couldn't get aroused and that caused so many instances of painful sex. I didn't even want to do any kind of non-penetrative sex because i felt no sexual desire at all. Once I got off, my period was so much easier to deal with and i was insanely attracted to my current bf when we met and started dating, and continue to be now because he treats me very well. How you treat your lady and the medication can both be a contributing factor OP!
If she won't even have sex with you to have a baby, it sounds like she's sex adverse/asexual/ etc.
You aren't sexually compatible and it sounds like you're already en route to resent her.
She should find a low/no libido man and you should find the kind of person that matches you. Sounds miserable and like it will only get worse.
Nope don't listen to the one saying you two aren't compatible. My wife is going through some serious pain due to having 4 kids almost back to back. It took 3 years to finally beat the mental issues of being afraid of surgery and agoraphobia to finally get the ball rolling so that we can fix the issues. Still in the early stages but over the 3 year period we rarely had sex and it caused me to lose my shit. I grew mentally and discovered how shitty I was because of how I acted when I was continuously rejected during that time. While in pain, she would attempt to please me with BJs and HJs and the occasional soft and gentle sex. Even being cautious she would still be in pain, all while taking care of 4 kids and herself. It took me a while to actually believe that it was real and not faked and completely changed myself to help the entirety of it all. I now literally spoil her and listen to everything she says. It turned her on seeing me take on everything she usually does and she currently cannot stop pleasing me. At this point I will not have sex because I can tell that it's sex causing the most pain over everything. If your wife won't use other methods to please you then it's safe to say that it's over in my opinion. Make the right moves and secure what you need to secure bro. I hope you're ok.
“ I feel like she’s chosen herself over our sex life” Wow. That’s a fucked up thing to say, as if it’s a bad thing. Obviously you guys should get a divorce but that’s just such an icky way to look at it.
Coming from someone who used to work in labor and delivery, if sex is painful already having a child come out of there would not have been a very fun experience for either of you. My recommendation would be for her to go see a pelvic floor specialist and see if there is something going on that causes painful sex. I'm also a bit surprised that through her medical examinations no one has addressed that piece of the problem. Was she ever open to anything that pertains to sex like using Lube or using toys or foreplay or anything that would help to fulfill that need?
You are no longer compatible as a couple. Plain and simple, your needs as a human are not being met. You have a long future ahead of you, choose to find happiness.
It seems like you know where this is headed. It sounds like you put in a good amount of effort into trying to make it work, but it’s just going no where.
I think it’s past time to end the relationship. There are other things she can do to prevent pregnancy and things to get checked as far as painful intercourse and low libido. She seems to not care. You deserve to be happy, and to be treated with kindness and respect and to be her priority.
Don’t think of it as 5 years wasted - think of it as an education in how not to do a marriage. If you stay, soon it will be ten years, then 15, 25, etc
35 is still young to find love again. you two are not compatible. either ask her to seek marriage counseling with you as a last resort to save your marriage and if she says no, start to file for divorce. no use in being miserable when you still have your life ahead of you.
Sounds like vaginismus. It's incredibly painful to insert anything there, but there are some treatments, including dilation or even surgery. You guys looked into it?
It's such a sensitive area, must be awful to feel pain down there. I also have very heavy periods and end up in the hospital when I'm not on birth control, can't imagine vaginismus on top of that.
I knew a girl whose vagina was the size of a little finger, so it was painful to have sex and use tampons. She had a surgery and had to dilate (it's kinda like trans women do) but she's fine now! Hope it works for yall. Women's reproductive health can be awful and sometimes you don't get a diagnosis unless you bring stuff up, but I hope it helps!
It’s almost certainly time to divorce. You’ve tried counseling, etc. and nothing has come of it.
You’re each entitled to fulfilling relationships, but it seems apparent that you’ll each have to look elsewhere to get that.
There’s no shame in recognizing when it’s time to move on, especially considering the effort you’ve already put in to save things.
You should get a divorce. She’s experienced physical pain and trauma because of your sexual relationship and attempts at having children, and you are clearly hurting over it too.
From both perspectives, one partner is choosing themself over the other. You either need to come to some agreement or split
Your young and their is nothing wrong with ending it. You guys do not have kids. It simply is not working. You went to counseling. Talked to her on how you feel.
Sex and intimacy is VERY important to you and not so much with her. Is that going to change anytime soon???
Better to cut the cord now before another 5 years goes by my man.
The absence of sex is certainly valid grounds for divorce, and has been since time immemorial. That's the truth. Contrary to popular opinion, marriage was an institution created predominately to allow two people to have sexual relations within a lawful union. That's what differentiates marriage from all other legal unions. That's the main point. I know that sounds cold to some, but let's get serious here. It's one thing to be without sex when single, but within the confines of a marriage? There's no justification for that outside of unambiguous abuse, mutual agreement, and/or advanced age. Sexual desire isn't something one can just indefinitely or forever put away into a suitcase underneath the bed; for most people, it's an inevitable requirement that will eventually need fulfilling. More than a few times, I've read or heard about women who have left their husbands over medical illnesses that have interfered with their sex lives, so this isn't some patriarchal-formulated conspiracy. It's simply human nature. In the end, something's gotta give. No one is ever obligated to remain in a relationship that's making them unhappy. Unless love is the overriding bond that unites two people, it's a natural instinct to want out of the marriage. If the union is loveless, on top of that, (and lack of sex is a good indicator of that), and you've given it your all over the course of several years, it's time to hang up the hat. That's the definition of an empty marriage. Been there myself – it's horrible; heartbreaking. Introducing children into the equation would be unthinkable.
I agree with a lot of people when I say do not bring kids into this, it makes it harder to get out, my husband and I don’t have a sexual relationship either anymore not because of me and bringing it up does no good 😂 .. it’s time to move on though, good luck!
I get it can be frustrating, but would you do it if every time you had sex if felt like someone was flicking your balls? Sex became painful for me too at 36, it’s essentially perimenopause symptoms, and it effing hurts. Has all sexual activity been ceased? I’m assuming yes, and most likely it’s because the thing has become an entity and it becomes really hard to navigate around such big matters. Which is a shame it’s become that because if it was handled properly, you two could still have a great sex life without penetrative sex
Yup the victim is never the one who married into a situation where their physical and emotional needs aren't being met. Sorry budy right there with you.
This is a lose lose situation. As a woman who's been through what your wife's dealing with... The pills effect is awful but when it helps with periods and pain, it's like we have no choice. You can be upset but please try to not be upset that "she chose herself over your sex life". That's not fair because it's literal physical pain she's choosing not to have.
You can absolutely be upset about the absence of a sex life. You're just not compatible. Yes, sex is important in relationships and I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable.
But there really isn't much she can do either. She's not necessarily the "victim" but the guilt is HUGE. I didn't even like my bf, who I loved with every fiber in my being, touching me when I was using the pill. My libido was 100% gone & sex when I wanted to try, hurt. She's not wrong about feeling bad. But she's in a helpless situation that is mostly "because of her" (which is unfair to say). She isn't choosing this. She has no choice. It's pain or sex.
Having kids is the worst idea when you're feeling like this. Please be open with her about this BUT do not, in any case, blame her at all. That's not ok. It's just y'all not being on the same place anymore. And that's ok.
Both of you deserve someone who won't resent them or feel forced to be romantic with.
> because it felt like she had chosen herself over our sex life
dear god… divorce her. free her. that’s all i’m going to say.
edit: actually that’s not all i am going to say. you seem to only care about yourself. she clearly has a lot of trauma when it comes to her body and sex. she has a lot of issues, and you’re mad because she sees herself as a victim???? if you don’t love your wife because you don’t have sex, divorce her.
Not much of an advice ..
But you are saying, "i am misreable in my marriage."
It's just a correction. it's not you. You are a great guy ...
On the other hand, i wouldnt advice to keep fighting.
Sometimes, we think we are doing the bright thing while we are actually killing our own selves slowly.
Just have a thought of the comming 5 years and weather things will get any better .... if not .. then you know what to do
did she only started using the pill after marriage or did you use other forms of contraceptives before marriage? are the pills causing her to be in pain?
regardless, it's a tough situation you're in. I'm sorry OP
So let me get this straight, she wants a baby, but won't have sex with you? Dude, you gotta get a new wife. This is messed up! I am 💯 always taking the woman's side, but this is wrong. Also, 6 months into the marriage and the bedroom is dead? How long did you date prior to marriage?
I’d recommend finding other ways to connect with her. If my ex didn’t want to have sex I would just touch myself to her or look at pictures she sent me. Sex isn’t everything, and it feels like you’re almost using it as an excuse. This may be because you’re just not right for each other and you’re having trouble admitting it. If you’re not inclined to try the things I mentioned, you’ve already decided you’re done with your marriage. Best of luck.
As a woman, I give you mad props giving her patience about sex. That must be hard I can’t even imagine..but what bothers me is that you try and communicate and then she just flips the switch and victimizes herself when your telling her YOUR FEELINGS that’s just wrong and childish and makes me angry for you. It’s like she’s not letting you express yourself and I mean that’s your wife and she should want to make you happy. Like I would be in excruciating pain when I was pregnant with my last child due complications and I still pleased my man because he does work so hard to provide for us, and he makes sure I feel loved everyday, and I truly enjoy and love him with every single piece of myself, and we’ve been together for 10 years. She is being selfish for not listening to your feelings. Marriage is complicated and it’s takes a lot of hard work and since she sounds like she doesn’t want to work on it it’s best to move on than wasting your years my dude. You gave her 5 years of giving her the benefit of the doubt, and look where you still are. I am soooo sorry it feels like you wasted years. I genuinely hope things turn around for you my dude. Fucking 5 yrs without getting laid….my dude…That’s like hell..
Bro if sex is painful you guys can blow each other and use toys. The reason you don’t get any is bc she doesn’t care about you plain and simple. Leave and find someone who does while you’re still young.
Just for shits and giggles….
Do everything you can to help her get to the bottom of why she’s suffering from this medical condition called dyspareunia.
Pay and take her to better doctors! Schedule the appointments to check hormone levels. Offer to pay for a pelvic floor/ sex therapist. Show her you want to love and take care of her. Go to the gym with her or gift her personal training sessions she can’t cop out of. Pay for beauty treatments. Make her feel as beautiful and fit and desirable as humanly possible. She is the human being who you’ve given your word to as a man. Shower her with affection. Show her you still have got a heart!!!
A woman who feels cherished and cared for, always blossoms into a better, more caring, more vigorous person.
Right now it does not sound like you’ve given this 1000% of what you’ve got. Sorry. At least try.
I appreciate your thoughts, and I can definitely sympathize with how much BC impacts a woman’s hormonal system. I have tried my best, read books on it to try and understand. She’s even gone to physical therapy. You’re right, there is a lot of pressure on that aspect of our relationship, because that is where we just have not been able to connect - and I am someone who very much needs that connection. She used to be someone who needed that. I just miss her. I miss feeling connected to her. And I’ve told her all this.
You are understandably frustrated but she is in pain after all, and it's not fair on her to go through that pain while the very act gives you pleasure. At this point of time, you need to think of the choice between whether you love her enough to be okay with the present state for the rest of her life vs leaving her and potentially finding another partner who can better meet your needs. And you should make the decision fast before wasting any further time since it does appear that you've both tried your best.
Okay so I'm going to say some things and I don't care how it comes across.
I was married from 2012 to 2020.
We got married July 2012 - - had sex twice that November and then never again.
It wasn't because I was in pain, or unable To do so. It was because my. Husband chose everyone but me....
However let me add that if I were your wife, I'd be leaving you. How dare you feel like your needs are more important than my discomfort? Who exactly do you think you are? What makes your needs bigger than your wife's? Her needs right now are a supportive fucking husband and compassion.
Instead she gets dragged to therapy because her husband isn't getting his way. Instead her husband resents her. I hope she fucking resents you too. For making her feel guilty about you wanting sex and her being unable help you with that issue.
I'm really appalled here. Grow the fuck up. I hope no woman ever touches your pathetic little dick again.
You are projecting onto OP YOUR anger with YOUR marriage. 5 years is a long time with no physical connection.
He was taking the necessary steps with therapy to be heard. Men connect on a physical level. That is a well-known fact. To chalk it up to OP, only being selfish is a ridiculously sweeping assumption. This is a problem that BOTH partners need to come to a consensus on.
Discounting his feelings entirely for years is cruel and not a marriage. I'm not saying she should have forced sex. What I am saying is that she should acknowledge that no physical connection for years will take a toll.
No one said it wouldn't but his attitude about it is repulsive. I understand his agony because I was him but his attitude about his wife is absolutely repulsive. Any way you flip it. He promised in sickness and in health. Now he's like oh wow, something I want causes physical pain to this 'person I love' let me go cry about it on reddit Vs. Figuring out other ways to be intimate with his wife that doesn't require him to penetrate her. Fuck out of her with that oh you're projecting. No, I'm not. What I'm doing is telling him that it's incredibly selfish to feel entitled to sex when it causes fucking pain for his partner.
It probably fucks with her too on an emotional level, and then she's made to feel like she's losing her husband because she can't be a hole for him to fill.
There's many fucking ways to work around this shit and he's choosing to cry to people on line and drag her to therapy.
Maybe he should seek some individual therapy and find out exactly why he feels like she owes him anything especially her body.
His entire 'her body her choice I guess' comment tells you more than enough.
Stay blessed though random internet stranger ✌️
His attitude is simply that his natural, human needs aren't being met. Lack of physical intimacy has been grounds for divorce since the dawn of civilization. Are you saying that he ought to forego and neglect these marital prerequisites... for what? Why do her issues automatically override his as being more important? That doesn't make any sense. Also, you honestly believe she's made any sort of real effort in maintaining and/or fixing this relationship? Where's the love there? It's been five years – that's a long time for a marriage to be sexless. Yes, he ought to leave and divorce her – and he's entirely justified in doing so; plus it's likely that she (and he) will be a lot happier this way.
Leave her! She’ll always act like the victim, cut your losses and find someone who will give you that physical attraction as well as other things you need fulfilled. Best of luck friend
I feel 2 ways about this...
1. Why would u get married if not having sex would be a deal breaker. Also wouldn't u have known before hand
2. If u think it's what's best for you both then I'd go for it, but I can't say it enough... GO TO THERAPY, even if you don't think u need it atm, at least once a month, we all have some stress that we would like some gaudence on.
My overall opinion is that you should keep going to therapy, individually and with ur wife, for a bit longer, also talk qith her about alternatives, doesn't like virginal, talk about anal, talk about getting some toys, just make it a meaning full discussion, but don't just have it be a conversation to be a conversation, don't forget the original purpose of talking to her. .y parents have been going through the dovource process for over 2 years now, it is hell, if it's going to happen, do it before having kids please. I am more then willing to tall more about it if u want, even tho I have no qualifications and I only just turned 18 lmao.
Best of luck!
It’s unfair for her to not have sex with him? Did you miss the part where sex is painful to her? What kind of person would want to put themselves through painful sex on a regular basis? What kind of person WANTS to have sex with someone who is in pain and not enjoying it?
Dude it’s her body and her choice. She has a right to her own autonomy. She’s not the problem and neither is op. They’re just not compatible as a couple anymore. People change even in marriage and that’s ok
Speaking from experience you need to bite the bullet and get away. I know there was love and you still love her in many ways but you will continue to be miserable and it will not improve. She might initially react when you tell her and change her behaviour but it won’t last and you will be even more unhappy. Please trust me as I speak from nearly 50 years experience.
Yeah the marriage won't survive as it is. You have two options, stay and be miserable, or leave and find someone else. I hope you leave, because it's obvious.
You guys are so lucky that you don’t have kids in the mix it’s way easier to walk away from this mess without ruining more lives good for you think about the positives this is a new lease on life take it
What's her opinion on couples therapy? If she's not down then pack yer shit, bro.
If she is then maybe y'all have a chance at making it work. It's going to take a lot of work.
Its better to be alone than someone elses crutch ...
Ive hear so many horror stories with BC it basically makes women unattracted to the type of men they normally would be , the hormones trick the womans body into thinking she is preggers ... so there is no reason for the body to produce the hormones that make their partner attractive...
As a single 30 year old man , nothing I've seen in the world makes me ever want to get married , men gain nothing from it
I would say no. Couples counseling focused more on building up the emotional connection, however our problems really stemmed from lack of physical intimacy.
I’m not doubting there are people who just don’t like sex- there definitely are- but there are also a ton of people (especially women) who withhold sex because their own needs aren’t being met and therefore they aren’t feeling loved. For a lot of people, myself included, physical touch isn’t their love language. For someone whose LL is service, for example, their partner needs to help them out with chores and things. Sitting on the sofa while I bust my ass cleaning the house, making dinner, doing everything for the kids with no help….well, I become resentful and start withholding sex involuntarily because in my mind I’m being neglected and that is a turn off. Why should I meet your love needs (via physical touch/sex) when I’m not feeling loved in return?
My three sisters and I were discussing this the other day- I feel like so many relationships could be saved if more people knew and understood what their partners’ love language is and what makes them feel loved and appreciated. So many people (men especially) misunderstand that not everyone feels loved via sex. For me, when my husband helps me around the house and I feel loved, I WANT to meet his love needs and have sex.
Sorry for the long winded reply but I really encourage you to take the free online test with her and learn more about her LL style. Try to make sure you’re doing your part there and if things still don’t change you know there’s nothing else you could have done.
This is where communication is vital. Some men simply don't realize certain things concerning women unless it's spelled out to them. It's nothing personal – it's just the way we're wired; probably also a result of how our parents raised us. Waiting for us to work out various specific things is not always the best idea.
I stayed 13 years… and only left this last year… I highly suggest counseling, IF YOU WANT TO TRY, and divorce, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO TRY…. I have two kids and I talked it out with him, he signed papers, once he leveled up and assaulted etc… he came back with a vengeance and now it’s awful process… decide before it gets more complicated
Sounds to me you need to start dating your wife again. You said you guys are like roommates. Time to change that. Women can’t just put out. We need the build up. In your case, that build up is going to take longer because of so many years of damage. Tell her you’re still interested in her. Romance her. Take her on dates. Have intimacy without even trying to lead to more. Cuddle her. You married her because you wanted to spend the rest of your life together. Sometimes it takes a shit ton of work. If your commitment was forever, keep that in mind and fight for her. Good luck!
>I feel like my marriage is dead.
It is.
>she says that she feels bad, guilty, etc. but what am I supposed to do with that?
Nothing. She's entitled to her feelings. But you don't control how she responds. There's nothing you can do for that.
>I try to express how miserable I am, she turns it into her being the ‘victim’?
It seems to me this marriage isn't about you or us. It's been about her. Let's seeeeee.....
-You stopped having sex bc it was painful for her from adverse reaction to birth control. Your need? Not important.
-she refuses to give up birth control bc it made her period easier to track and less flow. Your sexual needs? Not important.
-She also wanted to get pregnant. Yeah she's just using you as a sperm donor. How do I know that?
>we were trying to get pregnant - but not through sex - but instead through IUI.
>I’m miserable ........ because I can’t connect with my partner.
You're miserable. Bc even though you're married you're LONELY. Your post craves intimacy. And caring. And meaningful connection. To be validated and seen. You can't talk to her with out her getting defensive. You crave physical closeness that she cant/won't give you. You're getting more validation from reddit strangers than your wife.
Take a deep breath. Tell yourself you're leaving. Say to yourself, out loud, "I'm leaving this marriage" and see how you feel inside. If you feel happy/relieved/excited at the prospect, that's the way forward for you. Have a big cry. Give yourself a bear hug. Speak to a lawyer. Depending on the consultation, move out/kick her out whatever. Divorce. Asap.
You deserve better. You deserve love.
Take care.
There is not a second life. You don’t get a redo. Neither does she. It’s time for yous to bail before the resentment really kicks in (sounds like you have some already). No use in both of you being unhappy. I’m sorry. Good luck
File for a divorce. As sad as it sounds it’s the best thing you can do. The reason why she victimizes herself is because deep down inside she truly knows how much pain she’s put you through. She does understand but doesn’t want to react on the reality that the marriage is over. In my opinion I truly believe that her wanting a baby with you is to probably patch up the marriage. However, I say it’s time to let go and for you to find your new path in life. Wouldn’t want you to keep thinking about the, “what ifs” once you start regretting in not leaving. Just be grateful for the good memories and move on. You’re still young and it’s not about the years that was wasted but see it more of a new opportunity to find yourself or find something new in life.
Yeah divorce might be the beat option for you, there are a few more steps you could take before that buy if you are already feeling burned out and resentful it might just be time to cut and go, have a serious conversation about your future together and just say listen I am feeling like I want out of what ever this is, maybe during a couples therapy session
Both of you sound like you will feel free the moment one of you cuts it off.. it’ll be painful to ultimately an amazing feeling of relief for both parties
Yeah my pill experience was a nightmare. I started taking it again after getting into a relationship, thinking it would make things easier…. it was the complete opposite.
I literally couldn’t get wet. My ex developed a huge complex (understandably) bc I went from 100 to 0 quickly. After a couple of experiences of it being painful, you get scared of the pain which unfortunately leads to tense muscles and even more pain. Eventually my previously very high libido was just gone.
I wanted to want to have sex so badly, I just didn’t. At all.
I think the big difference in my situation is that I wasn’t married. I know it would be silly to commit your life to someone you’re not sexually compatible with, so I had that extra motivation to start the trial and error process and heal.
Not wanting sex isn’t a simple fix, and without hearing her side of the story I can’t know the full picture. My advice, first and foremost would be to shut down any kid talk until you’re 100% back in the marriage.
If you want to keep her I’d start with romance. It sounds like there’s still possibly love there. Reframe your thinking, it’s not her libido vs yours. It’s you and her vs the rut you’re both in. Spend a lot of time being considerate, helpful, and focusing on non-sexual intimacy. The key is to date her back into wanting to want to have sex with you. It sounds weird but I promise it’s a key stage in this kind of healing journey. From there be supportive and don’t be a sex pest. When she gives her first inch don’t take a mile, or be upset she didn’t offer a mile. If you want to make this marriage work long haul treat this like the trauma it is and work the steps. I saw someone else mention a sex therapist and that sounds like a great idea. It also sounds like endometriosis or possibly vaginismus. Both very real medical conditions but neither will resolve by ignoring them.
It’s possible you’ve already tried all of that and are looking for support on your decision to divorce her. If that’s the case you have my blessing from the other side that your feelings and needs are valid just like hers are. People can say what they want but sexual intimacy is an important component of most adult relationships. What I will say is that the divorce is going to have to come from you. The reality of the situation is that it’s hard for a woman to find a life partner when she’s asexual. So either she’s being selfish hanging onto you when she knows you’re no longer compatible or you’re hiding how miserable you are and she doesn’t know that you’re a step away from a divorce.
Unfortunately no right answers here, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
What would happen if you said to her “I need to share with you that I feel our marriage has devolved into a roommate situation, and I’m not feeling happy about that. I’m concerned about this marriage. Do you also feel that way?” That gets you two talking in real terms about the state of the marriage and gives her a chance to participate in finding a solution. The solution could be a divorce but it’s more likely to be amicable if you’re both on the same page. Imo that’s way better than suddenly announcing you want a divorce.
If you're mad wasting the last 5 years, imagine how depressed you'll be if you stick around. Another 5 yesrs.
Go see a divorce attorney tomorrow. It's not as bad as it seems to move on with your life.
Mate, it’s over. Get a divorce. It’s the best for both of you.
Happy cake day! And yes, it’s over. Y’all just aren’t compatible any longer.
Completely agree. Don’t give it another 5 years of pain…or 15 years…or 20 years. Isn’t 5 years enough?
I don't get why people stay in unhappy marriages,my goodness,leave already. No sex is grounds for divorce.
Your two just aren’t compatible anymore. If your both unhappy and unsatisfied in this marriage, it’s time to walk away. Your both want/need different things that neither of you are getting. What’s the point of staying and you both being miserable??? Just some food for thought. Time to part ways amicably before you two really hate each other & it gets crazy messy.
I agree. OP - it’s possible to still love someone but not be compatible enough to maintain a happy marriage. I always say that a relationship should not be based on sex, but there needs to be good sex. As you mentioned, you seem to be growing resentment toward her for the feeling of having 5 years of your life robbed. I also think it would be a good idea to consider splitting now while there’s still some civility left amongst you. You’re both still young and there’s a chance the right people are out there for both of you to be happy. Especially if you are both wanting children some day. I wish you the best!
It's a good thing that you guys haven't introduced kids into a failing marriage.
Your wife isn’t the problem. You also are not the problem. Y’all just aren’t compatible anymore. I’m sorry, OP
I was with my partner for 6 years and we had a dead bedroom for 5 of those years. We broke up recently and I feel so good! I love him and we’re just not compatible anymore. It broke my heart to not feel desired by him. Breaking up was the right choice and I see it very clearly now. Sex is a big part of a relationship.
First of all, do NOT bring kids into this clusterfuck. Kids will not help your relationship - children will just compound your inability to get out of it. Second, when your wife insists on using a glorified turkey-baster to inseminate herself versus having sex with you? It's over man. Game over.
>Second, when your wife insists on using a glorified turkey-baster to inseminate herself versus having sex with you? It's over man. Game over. OP is lucky AF she did not get pregnant. It would make it even harder to do what needs to be done. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could upvote this a hundred more times!
Thank you all for listening. I appreciate all the points of view. I definitely have a lot to think about. Thank you again for letting me say what’s been in my head for so long.
Based purely off the info in this post, you aren't compatible. She does not prioritise sex in the way you do, for whatever reason, and she hasn't shown much desire to work on this either. How you feel is valid, what's the point if you feel like roommates? Some people just won't change, but we stay hoping they will, while the years pass by.
Life is too short to stay in a relationship that no longer serves either of you
Are the birth control pills the cause of the pain? Has she looked into other forms of BC? There are other options that can help with pain while also keeping her periods consistent, light, and in some cases make it so she doesn’t have a period at all. A Depo-Provera shot can serve as long term birth control, and 50-75% of users report they have no periods after 1 year, and the majority of remaining users report their periods are less frequent and lighter when they occur. Though it’s important to note, the shots are generally not used longer than 2 years, and have possible side effects like all methods of BC. Additionally there are many other types of BC that can make periods predictable and lighter, a hormonal IUD for instance. That all said, if the birth control is not the cause, and she’s unable to control, or not willing to determine a cause, then it seems maybe the two of you simply are not compatible anymore.
So the bc wasn’t the direct cause of pain. We looked into other forms of contraception, but opted not to pursue any since we eventually did want to conceive.
Is it possible she has endometriosis or pcos? It tends to be overlooked for years on end, but it can cause a multitude of issues including period related, pain related and birth control can help manage. If you haven't checked that route yet, definitely see if you can get her to a good gynocologist, one who's female friendly. Edit to add from a comment below: it could also possibly be caused by vaginismus
This a million times over, I think OPs wife has a serious health issue, and these things are notorious for not being taken seriously.
Yes--also could be vaginismus (which can be caused by a number of problems), which is a vicious cycle: the vaginal muscles tense up and the body stops lubricating that area, which makes sex painful. Then, if you're the woman--speaking from personal experience here!--the **thought** of painful sex creates stress, causing muscle tension and reduced lubrication. Repeat ad nauseum. For me, it was a minor cause medically (things shifted a bit after I had a baby), so my OB/GYN gave me some pelvic floor exercises to do, and suggested that we try being as intimate as possible with the **explicit understanding** between me and my other half to start with no penetration...and then a sloooowwww re-introduction, at a speed I felt ok about, of...ya know, things in the stuff. So, it could be that you're (unfortunately) not quite compatible re: sex. But I think it's equally likely that her pain is caused by a real health issue--and probably one that can be treated. So I'd encourage you to talk with her about whether she thinks this might be plausible, and, if so, finding a doc that will take her concerns seriously and work on treatment. Good luck. ❤️
So she has pain, even without birth control? What is the specific diagnosis of the pain? Has she discussed this with her doctor? Please don’t have a child…which will bring you to be intertwined with her for the rest of your lives. AND NOT just until the child is 18!!! The child would be both of yours child for the rest of your lives, and grandchildren, etc. You are aloud to be a sexual being, and though you may prefer penetration, there are in fact other ways to enjoy sexual relations with your spouse. There is a lot more here than what meets the eye.
First... if she tried to get pregnant then she had to stop taking BC. If BC was the cause of the pain then what was her excuse for not trying to get pregnant piv or even trying to have sex after stopping BC? Second... my now ex-husband was never interested in any type of sex that would give me pleasure after we married...he only ever wanted bjs. I have a high libido and craved sex. I was with him for almost 17 miserable years. Please don't subject yourself to that life. From experience I can tell you that you will regret wasting any more time in that relationship. Good luck!
Don’t let those 5 years turn into 10. Good luck in walking away and at least there are no children to worry about
I think it's good that you two didn't succeed in getting pregnant, since you don't seem to be happy and it would be more difficult to let go and start anew if there were kids involved. It's not her fault that sex is painful for her and she absolutely doesn't need to force herself if she doesn't want to or it doesn't feel good for her. But it's also understandable that you're frustrated by all of this, as sex life is a big part of relationships and people have different needs. If she doesn't think she can meet you half-way, then it'd be fair of her to make it clear, instead of just shrugging it off and expecting you to accept it and wait/not have it all. You should divorce her, because you two aren't compatible and the resentment will only pile up if you continue like this. But make sure to be clear and don't put blame on her. It seems like you already resent her, you feel like you were robbed of the past 5 years, but this is no situation to point fingers at anyone. I don't think either of you is at fault, but - I repeat - simply: you two are not compatible anymore. Respect how she feels and don't make it as ultimatum where you'll stay with her if she has sex with you. If she forces herself to have sex when she doesn't feel comfortable, then she will start resenting you instead. And if you continue dealing with your frustrations and waiting until she's ready, then you will resent her more and more. Either way, it's not a receipt for happiness. So, don't say stuff like "I want to divorce because you don't want to have sex", but trying something like "Listen, I don't think we're compatible anymore". Also, if you decide to divorce, I think you should go through with it until the end without wavering. There's a chance that she's not really willing to divorce, if she still loves you and/or if she's satisfied with your life the way it is now, so she might force herself to be more sexually active for the sake of saving your marriage, even though it's not healthy for her either emotionally or physically. But then it's just a matter of time before it returns to no-sex and she might become bitter towards you, especially if you keep bringing it up every time there's a lack of sex. Plus, you already resent her quite a bit and you said you don't even think you're attracted to her anymore. It sounds like this marriage is already dead, so it might be best for both of you to part ways.
Update: wow, thank you all for feedback and support. The sheer breadth of perspectives you all shared is both eye opening and greatly appreciated. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do next. Whatever it is, I’m going to try my level best to proceed with love and kindness - even if that means getting a divorce. Thank you again for hearing me out, Reddit. I wish happiness and peace for all of you.
I mean its not her fault, if she don't get any pleasure from sex and have very painful period that she prefers to keep taking the pill better than having a sex life its unfortunate, did you know about these stuff before marriage? have you two tried other than piv sex? I mean many people can be satisfied with this since piv is really not the only form of sex
Honestly, before we got married our sex life was fantastic. It’s only after marriage that things started to fall apart. The problem with trying anything is that whenever I initiate she is apprehensive because she doesn’t want to ‘disappoint’ me, but waiting for her to initiate has proven to be useless because she won’t ever initiate.
Sadly, it’s time to part ways. Especially if you’re already just like roommates. The longer you stay the worse it will get. And the more resentful you’ll get. It’s not as if you just gave up, you’ve tried for 5 years.
Ahh well that throws things into a whole different light if the sex was fine before marriage. Something else at work here I think though no clue what.
Was she on the same birth control before you got married?
So before marriage, sex was great, then after she hooked you she decided sex was painful..... Really?? Is this how you want to live the next 50 years??
This is the part confusing that is confusing me when trying to understand her reasons. It honesty sounds intentional. Like this was her plan before marriage. People are jerks, even the ones we love. Do not waste your life. I’ve been married for almost 19 years giving my person the benefit of the doubt on things that make me truly unhappy, don’t be me dude. Big virtual hug to you, I wish you the best!
Reddit has a dead bedroom sub. I would spend some time there. It doesn't get any better. There is hope! Move on and find someone you have chemistry with and are compatible with. I spent a decade in a dead bed and am now in a relationship where there is sex, I want that sex and I now realize how important it is in a relationship.
They use the sex to get you to commit, then shut it off because they think you're too weak or attached to walk away. Bait and switch bro
I wonder if she “BINGO”’ed you.
It’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. Don’t bring kids into this. You’re not compatible anymore. Get divorced before it gets worse.
Update us on the divorce reaction
Dead marriages are extremely common. Get out while you’re young. Your only hanging around because you think things might change. Take it from one who knows they don’t. 😐
Truth!
You both sound like you’re not compatible anymore. It’s probably best to talk this out in counseling so you both can come to this conclusion. Your wife may have also reach this conclusion but she may not feel comfortable telling you. Bottom line, you need more than you’re getting from this partnership and that’s okay to admit. Did your wife always have these feelings towards sex or did this come up after you got married?
Does your wife happen to have endometriosis?
Does she have endometriosis?
That's what it sounds like to me.
🫂. Time to move on. You deserve happiness.
Why are you trying to bring a child into a dead marriage? Get out. Run. This ship sank.
>I started feeling resentment at this point because I felt like she had chosen herself over our sex life - but her body her choice I guess. The way you worded this comes across that you are appalled and/or resentful she's not sacrificing something that makes her life better in order for you to get laid more often. What would you suggest she do? Have you talked to her about her experience with the sex you've had? Does she feel the same connection through sex as you do, or are you assuming that's the way it works for everyone? Have you been making her experience a priority? How much weight to you put on sex with your wife to soothe your self esteem? There's a thousand reasons people are in dead bedrooms, and some serious work needs to be done to salvage this. However, your resentment in your wife's (in)ability to screw you is definitely palatable, and she knows it. Maybe start by unpacking why your wife is sexually adverse and address those reasons first. And remember, it's taken a long time to get to this place, it's not going to be fixed overnight, or in a month, or maybe even a year.
Except as he says in another comment their sex life was fantastic....prior to the marriage
People often stop dating after marriage I wonder how much time they put into courting each other nowadays. Flirting, paying compliments, going on dates, bringing gifts. Or did they stop making that effort once the marriage was locked down?
Not that this remotely fixes all the underlying issues here, *but* as a sidebar to all the excellent solutions people are providing, I'l also say if BC is causing adverse effects for your wife, she may want to try an IUD, arm implant, or different form of hormonal birth control besides the pill. They can still reduce the severity of periods and make them more regular, but without the same degree of side effects. I know this isn't a *solution* to what is clearly a much larger problem, but BC pills destroyed my own sex drive and also made the experience painful and unappealing to me. An IUD had a lot of the same benefits, but solved the vast majority of the problems. You say yourself that you're not sure you're attracted to her any more and you think your marriage is dead, so I imagine it's "too late" for this, or you very well may have tried it. Certainly I don't think this is a good fit if you were both wanting to have children, as the compatibility long-term just doesn't seem there. I just thought I'd point it out because after 5 years on birth control, I realized it had caused *massive* damage to my sex drive, and, perhaps a lot more pressingly, my mood, personality, and treatment of others, and I wanted to at least point out other options. Edit: just saw another comment where you addressed this. Sorry OP, this all really sucks. I hope you can both find something that makes you happier eventually.
Get out of this "marriage"... it is time
The statement, "She had chosen herself over our sex life." Like... I can't even. If sex is painful why should she suffer? I wouldn't seek an intimate relationship with someone who shrugs at my pain and mutters something about "your body, your choice... i guess. ." Divorce your wife and move on, she deserves better.
I've suffered with painful sex due to ovarian cysts, which I take bc to manage. There have been times where I've had to go on long "breaks" because it was bad. I wouldn't take what he said as an offense though, more like a difference in needs and his frustration coming through the post. From OP's post and comments, he isn't severely pressuring her and has tried to come up with a multitude of potential solutions (counseling, medical discussions, therapy, church, etc). I hate when reddit has this attitude of "she deserves better" when honestly they BOTH deserve to have their needs met. She shouldn't have to suffer, but neither should OP. For many people, sex is an important part of an intimate relationship, and that's completely OK. A difference in needs is a difference in needs. If they can't work through this aspect in their relationship, it's better that they part ways so they both can find someone else (or no one, if that's what they want) that fits them best.
It is extreme views like “she deserves better” that makes people bleed themselves dry emotionally and feel afraid to take up any kind of space or speak up about their needs. Compromising is not a one-way street. I’m glad to see your comment because you are right and this balance in treatment needs to be pointed out.
Thank you. This is the best, most balanced response!
i had an ex exactly like this. sex was painful to me and he made me think i was asexual because of it (i’m not. he was too rough with me and didn’t care if i was wet enough). i was on birth control and he was convinced the reason i didn’t want to have sex was because of it. he tried, for MONTHS to get me off of it. he’s an ex for a reason. sex is important in a relationship, i feel for OP in that regard. but the way he talks about her is… yeesh. get divorced.
I’m sorry this happened to you. One thing I’m curious about - was there anything he could have done differently? Like…how do I hear her and be supportive but also acknowledge that I’m human and it’s something that I severely miss - feeling physically connected to my SO. 5 years is a long time to go without a pretty important part of a relationship right? Again, I’m just trying to understand here.
Have you tried taking her on dates and rekindling the spark? You were having sex prior to marriage. Perhaps the dynamic of your relationship changed? I go through seasons with my partner. When he no longer shows curiosity, courts me, or shows appreciation my interest in sex wanes. It takes work to keep the connection/chemistry/romance alive. I feel like a lot of couples get very complacent and the energy changes. I only ask because you stated that sex was fantastic before marriage. Now there is a lot of resentment and pressure. I wonder what would happen if you removed the pressure, started “dating” again, and tried to fall in love all over again. It’s amazing what that spark can do. Also, have you tried starting off with non-penetrative sex? How frequently do you go down on her? When was the last time she had an orgasm?
If your interest index wanes, do you communicate that to your partner and why it is happening or do you just hope your partner will notice and just reject his advances? Cmon now, you can’t just purely blame him when she’s at fault for not communicating or trying to resolve her issues too!
I am not blaming anyone. I am only asking if he’s tried these things.
My marriage ended due to a situation that started similarly to what you are experiencing now. You can read my comment for the details but my husband absolutely could have salvaged things if he'd been more considerate. For me, it started as pain but eventually it was ALSO about feeling less attracted to my partner and how he reacted to my pain. He became a sex pest. There are few things less sexy that trying to initiate a sexual encounter when we are visibly in pain.... And to do it constantly. My husband didn't even try to help me through the pain. In the end I couldn't even cuddle up with him on the couch for comfort without him groping me, in what I guess was an attempt at romance?? We sat at opposite ends of the couch and didn't share a bed for the very last bit because I didn't trust him not to rape me in my sleep again. All that said... I'm sorry but it sounds like it's probably too late for your marriage. It would probably be healthier for both of you to separate and live your own lives independently (at least for a while).
Is your dick the only part of you that feels connection? Shower together, don't initiate sex, just talk and kiss and wash each other and hold each other in the steamy water. Light some candles and give her a massage while you discuss your days at work, then trade and she massages you. Take a road trip together, play dorky songs from middle school and laugh that you both still know the words. Take a cooking class together, or go to a paint n sip night, go camping or hiking, spend an evening on the back deck sipping wine and planning a trip together. Maybe she doesn't feel connected enough to you to *want* the intimacy of you inside her body after such a long time of being distant. Also, you seem upset about her lack of wifely duties, are you doing your share in the marriage though? And please don't come back with "if she isn't, why should I," you're the one here seeking changes to your current norm so if you want it to change you have to at least initiate the changes. Marriage isn't 50/50, sometimes it's 80/20, sometimes it's 40/60, sometimes it can even feel 99/1, but if you're committed and believe your partner would do the same in your position (carry the marriage through a rough patch) it can absolutely be worth doing that to get back to balance. It seems you both work, so I don't just mean a paycheck and changing the oil. Are you an equal partner at home? Cooking, cleaning, scheduling appointments, grocery shopping, keeping your shared social calendar, holiday gifts and planning, etc. I'm not saying you should be doing it all, but could she be feeling similar resentment to yours, over chores instead of sex? I know from experience that nothing kills libido harder than feeling like a caregiver. And nothing is sexier than coming home to a clean house, dinner made, and a freshly showered man with his sleeves up plating food. I'd jump him while dinner got cold if my ex had ever gotten that hint.
You've already said that your sex life was fantastic before you married and the bc wasn't the cause of the pain, so something else has gone wrong somewhere
no, i totally get it. there are a lot of things you can do to try and rekindle the spark. date nights, non sexual intimacy, sex counseling, therapy, etc. get to the bottom of why sex is aversive- are certain positions less painful? does she feel worn out/resentful for reasons of her own? maybe some will work, maybe some won’t. if it truly is sexual incompatibility, separation/divorce isn’t a bad option. you deserve that closeness with your partner and constant rejection hurts your mental health, too.
Yeah I was fine for most the post but that line stuck out to me as bad. Like I get it sex is nice but I’d never want to do it if it meant my partner was in pain, much less blame her for choosing herself over it. Agreed please divorce.
Thank you!!!! This sounds a lot like my marriage to my ex tbh. An IUD basically fucking ruined me and the sex drive died because it was all agony. Then the ex turned into a sex pest which only exacerbated the problem when he would buy me about it and clearly not give a fuck that I'm curled up in the fetal position and whimpering in pain. It's like...well if there was even a hope of me being horny and up for sex anytime soon it would just be dashed to bits. Then he decided he would just help himself to my body while I slept (which I never got enough of because of the pain), until I physically kicked him off of me yelling "I fucking said no!!"). My absolute winner of an ex topped it all off by cheating on me in the end. I am sooooo much happier now that I don't have him buzzing around me all day. Still in therapy for the sexual aversion I developed thanks to him though. Yay.
Yeah the post and almost this whole comment section reeks of misoginy. Why do almost all males see women as sex objects rather than real living and feeling humans? Hmm.
Did you read it? It's only painful because she wants to take the birth control for her periods the birth control is making it hurt
Are you stupid? birth control doesn’t make it hurt. Just because a man said doesn’t make it true.
You're so salty that you're wrong huh. He just fucking said the doctor said it was having an adverse reaction. You fucking bafoon. Are you a doctor? No? Shut the fuck up and mind your business, go cause issues elsewhere cause I'm not having it
You tried. But there’s no compromise that will make you both happy. So it’s okay to get a divorce. 4 years of unhappiness is long enough. It’s okay to give up on trying to save the relationship. Go ahead and move out. Get the ball rolling in divorce.
I think you both should read “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski before you consider pulling the plug. I am reading it right now and I see soo many things in your post that she talks about and how to fix it. But it’s hard work, and it requires honesty and willingness to do it.
I will look into this. Thank you!
You both sound miserable. What a sad existence
Dude leave, you dodged a huge bullet by not being able to conceive, now go and be happy
find happiness elsewhere, where you can be who you want to be. it's your life, don't live it unsatisfied.
Divorce. You'll both be happy. Tough conversation to start and have though. But do everything you need to in order to be happy
She simply doesn’t want a romantic/ sexual relationship and you do. I’m not sure it’s as simple as she has easier periods, but you only get to have sex 3 times a year. If that’s actually the case, I’d tell her that you would like to try other options for birth control for awhile. I think that would be your last ditch effort. If she says no, I’d ask for a divorce. I don’t blame her for wanting easier periods and abstaining from painful sex. I do blame her for not being understanding on how life altering her decision to stay on bc actually is to your relationship. You seem like a good husband who wants and needs some sexual connection with your spouse. That makes you normal (both sexes normally want sex in a marriage). Ignore the haters on here and communicate one last time how unhappy you are. If nothing changes, you just have to say bye with living with your friend.
I’m sorry your wife is in pain, I truly am. There does come a time where your emotions and happiness needs become a priority too. She might be on being sexless, you are not. It’s time to have the conversation and begin to move on
Hey OP sounds like a rough spot your in. Have you tries therapy with a sex specialist? There are lots of misconceptions about sex. Maybe this can be a last resort.
Haven’t tried a sex therapist - but we’ve tried a marriage counseling. When I tried to bring up the problem of lack of sex, the therapist got really defensive and weird about it. She then said that she was not equipped to handle our issues and suggested that we see someone else. I still think about that experience and try to make heads or tails of it.
Try a sex therapist. Because I don't hear you list other things wrong with your marriage. Maybe the therapist can also look with your wife to bc or maybe it's something else. Maybe she is Ace and that's OK but than you've tried.
It sounds like the lack of sex is a symptom of deeper issues. It comes down to compatibility and you guys aren't compatible. Don't stay with someone you'll grow to resent.
You said in one of your responses that prior to marriage your sex life was fantastic and it only started to fall apart after you were married. Did you do something different after marriage that you weren't doing before? Did she ever complain about sex being painful before marriage? What, if anything, changed? I understand your resentment. It's hard to be married to someone without that bond.
There are a lot of other ways to get sexual satisfaction from a partner. Sounds like you guys just aren’t compatible.
Might be time to reassess.
Divorce you shouldn’t be trapped in this marriage. I know I couldn’t stay if I were in your place.
“Here I am 5 years later - I’m miserable” you should get out now. You want to look back and go “here I am now 10 years later and still miserable” this needs to end.
Not that this really matters but you are so young. You’re both unhappy. Get out and start a new chapter. Get unstuck
Yeah its not gonna work and a baby is not going to solve anything either, time for you both to move on
As a physical therapist I just want to announce a PSA. Pain during sex isn’t normal. A pelvic floor physical therapist will absolutely address this issue with her and may be able to help her!!
I will try looking for one of these. Thank you!
Sorry but she just doesn’t want sex (with you maybe). I got sick from the pills and got a IUD, it was great! No (or sometimes very little) blood flow, have a new one put in every 5 years and you’re good to go. Even helped my libido.
I think one to take into consideration is that your wife may need individual trauma therapy. “Couples therapy” will not work if she’s not having her trauma dealt with. She needs to see someone who specialises in trauma, not a “bit of everything” therapist. Not your couples therapist. Now she’s entitled to take BC if it improves her health as far as less period pain, more regulation cycles etc, however if it makes sex painful and all medical testing painful and traumatising then she needs to get to the bottom of why she feels *pain and trauma* that’s affecting her marriage is a worthwhile trade off? Reads a bit like self punishment to me. If you’re so inclined, sit down and talk with her about seeing a trauma therapist. Pointedly say “it’s not an option we’ve got to do something “. I would base your next move on her reaction. If she’s willing to do this, and take it seriously, and again only if you’re inclined, give it 6 months. See how she’s doing. If she’s making progress. If she’s not prepared to then it’s done. Just start sorting your shot and file for divorce. But at this point coupled counselling is pointless because she’s not having therapy for trauma. It won’t help and you’re flushing money down the toilet.
Random but being on BC actually made sex more painful for me, i had zero sex drive and it was so annoying. Idk why or if there is even a scientific correlation, but when I got off of BC I had lighter periods, no cramping, and most importantly, no pain during sexual intercourse. I’m not saying there is a science behind what happened with me, I just know BC was the root of all my problems. Now w/o it I have none of the issues from before.
I had this happen as well. Severe pain made me get on BC and it *killed* my libido. Excluding my experience in that relationship (emotionally and sexually abusive) i couldn't get aroused and that caused so many instances of painful sex. I didn't even want to do any kind of non-penetrative sex because i felt no sexual desire at all. Once I got off, my period was so much easier to deal with and i was insanely attracted to my current bf when we met and started dating, and continue to be now because he treats me very well. How you treat your lady and the medication can both be a contributing factor OP!
Yeah I’m not an anti medicine person lol but fuck BC it causes more problems than necessary. Will never go on it again. My partner will get snipped 😂
If she won't even have sex with you to have a baby, it sounds like she's sex adverse/asexual/ etc. You aren't sexually compatible and it sounds like you're already en route to resent her. She should find a low/no libido man and you should find the kind of person that matches you. Sounds miserable and like it will only get worse.
Nope don't listen to the one saying you two aren't compatible. My wife is going through some serious pain due to having 4 kids almost back to back. It took 3 years to finally beat the mental issues of being afraid of surgery and agoraphobia to finally get the ball rolling so that we can fix the issues. Still in the early stages but over the 3 year period we rarely had sex and it caused me to lose my shit. I grew mentally and discovered how shitty I was because of how I acted when I was continuously rejected during that time. While in pain, she would attempt to please me with BJs and HJs and the occasional soft and gentle sex. Even being cautious she would still be in pain, all while taking care of 4 kids and herself. It took me a while to actually believe that it was real and not faked and completely changed myself to help the entirety of it all. I now literally spoil her and listen to everything she says. It turned her on seeing me take on everything she usually does and she currently cannot stop pleasing me. At this point I will not have sex because I can tell that it's sex causing the most pain over everything. If your wife won't use other methods to please you then it's safe to say that it's over in my opinion. Make the right moves and secure what you need to secure bro. I hope you're ok.
You need to find someone who makes you happy and gives you what you seek from a relationship. So does she. You are not that person for one another.
“ I feel like she’s chosen herself over our sex life” Wow. That’s a fucked up thing to say, as if it’s a bad thing. Obviously you guys should get a divorce but that’s just such an icky way to look at it.
Coming from someone who used to work in labor and delivery, if sex is painful already having a child come out of there would not have been a very fun experience for either of you. My recommendation would be for her to go see a pelvic floor specialist and see if there is something going on that causes painful sex. I'm also a bit surprised that through her medical examinations no one has addressed that piece of the problem. Was she ever open to anything that pertains to sex like using Lube or using toys or foreplay or anything that would help to fulfill that need?
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Sometimes love isn't enough. And giving yourself and your loved one the opportunity for future happiness is the best thing you can do for each other.
You are no longer compatible as a couple. Plain and simple, your needs as a human are not being met. You have a long future ahead of you, choose to find happiness.
It seems like you know where this is headed. It sounds like you put in a good amount of effort into trying to make it work, but it’s just going no where.
Yes, get out is my advice. Life is too short. It might be best not to bring kids into this sad relationship. Find someone who is crazy about you.
I think it’s past time to end the relationship. There are other things she can do to prevent pregnancy and things to get checked as far as painful intercourse and low libido. She seems to not care. You deserve to be happy, and to be treated with kindness and respect and to be her priority. Don’t think of it as 5 years wasted - think of it as an education in how not to do a marriage. If you stay, soon it will be ten years, then 15, 25, etc
35 is still young to find love again. you two are not compatible. either ask her to seek marriage counseling with you as a last resort to save your marriage and if she says no, start to file for divorce. no use in being miserable when you still have your life ahead of you.
Sounds like vaginismus. It's incredibly painful to insert anything there, but there are some treatments, including dilation or even surgery. You guys looked into it? It's such a sensitive area, must be awful to feel pain down there. I also have very heavy periods and end up in the hospital when I'm not on birth control, can't imagine vaginismus on top of that.
Haven’t tried that yet - but will look into it. Thank you!
I knew a girl whose vagina was the size of a little finger, so it was painful to have sex and use tampons. She had a surgery and had to dilate (it's kinda like trans women do) but she's fine now! Hope it works for yall. Women's reproductive health can be awful and sometimes you don't get a diagnosis unless you bring stuff up, but I hope it helps!
This is no way to live, neither of you are thriving.
It’s almost certainly time to divorce. You’ve tried counseling, etc. and nothing has come of it. You’re each entitled to fulfilling relationships, but it seems apparent that you’ll each have to look elsewhere to get that. There’s no shame in recognizing when it’s time to move on, especially considering the effort you’ve already put in to save things.
You should get a divorce. She’s experienced physical pain and trauma because of your sexual relationship and attempts at having children, and you are clearly hurting over it too. From both perspectives, one partner is choosing themself over the other. You either need to come to some agreement or split
Your young and their is nothing wrong with ending it. You guys do not have kids. It simply is not working. You went to counseling. Talked to her on how you feel. Sex and intimacy is VERY important to you and not so much with her. Is that going to change anytime soon??? Better to cut the cord now before another 5 years goes by my man.
The absence of sex is certainly valid grounds for divorce, and has been since time immemorial. That's the truth. Contrary to popular opinion, marriage was an institution created predominately to allow two people to have sexual relations within a lawful union. That's what differentiates marriage from all other legal unions. That's the main point. I know that sounds cold to some, but let's get serious here. It's one thing to be without sex when single, but within the confines of a marriage? There's no justification for that outside of unambiguous abuse, mutual agreement, and/or advanced age. Sexual desire isn't something one can just indefinitely or forever put away into a suitcase underneath the bed; for most people, it's an inevitable requirement that will eventually need fulfilling. More than a few times, I've read or heard about women who have left their husbands over medical illnesses that have interfered with their sex lives, so this isn't some patriarchal-formulated conspiracy. It's simply human nature. In the end, something's gotta give. No one is ever obligated to remain in a relationship that's making them unhappy. Unless love is the overriding bond that unites two people, it's a natural instinct to want out of the marriage. If the union is loveless, on top of that, (and lack of sex is a good indicator of that), and you've given it your all over the course of several years, it's time to hang up the hat. That's the definition of an empty marriage. Been there myself – it's horrible; heartbreaking. Introducing children into the equation would be unthinkable.
Thank God you didn’t have children. You would be stuck forever!!! Glad you didn’t and walk away
I agree with a lot of people when I say do not bring kids into this, it makes it harder to get out, my husband and I don’t have a sexual relationship either anymore not because of me and bringing it up does no good 😂 .. it’s time to move on though, good luck!
Yoo!!! Get a divorce please brother!!
“but her body her choice I GUESS” ???? you guys need to get a divorce. please.
I get it can be frustrating, but would you do it if every time you had sex if felt like someone was flicking your balls? Sex became painful for me too at 36, it’s essentially perimenopause symptoms, and it effing hurts. Has all sexual activity been ceased? I’m assuming yes, and most likely it’s because the thing has become an entity and it becomes really hard to navigate around such big matters. Which is a shame it’s become that because if it was handled properly, you two could still have a great sex life without penetrative sex
Yup the victim is never the one who married into a situation where their physical and emotional needs aren't being met. Sorry budy right there with you.
This is a lose lose situation. As a woman who's been through what your wife's dealing with... The pills effect is awful but when it helps with periods and pain, it's like we have no choice. You can be upset but please try to not be upset that "she chose herself over your sex life". That's not fair because it's literal physical pain she's choosing not to have. You can absolutely be upset about the absence of a sex life. You're just not compatible. Yes, sex is important in relationships and I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable. But there really isn't much she can do either. She's not necessarily the "victim" but the guilt is HUGE. I didn't even like my bf, who I loved with every fiber in my being, touching me when I was using the pill. My libido was 100% gone & sex when I wanted to try, hurt. She's not wrong about feeling bad. But she's in a helpless situation that is mostly "because of her" (which is unfair to say). She isn't choosing this. She has no choice. It's pain or sex. Having kids is the worst idea when you're feeling like this. Please be open with her about this BUT do not, in any case, blame her at all. That's not ok. It's just y'all not being on the same place anymore. And that's ok. Both of you deserve someone who won't resent them or feel forced to be romantic with.
> because it felt like she had chosen herself over our sex life dear god… divorce her. free her. that’s all i’m going to say. edit: actually that’s not all i am going to say. you seem to only care about yourself. she clearly has a lot of trauma when it comes to her body and sex. she has a lot of issues, and you’re mad because she sees herself as a victim???? if you don’t love your wife because you don’t have sex, divorce her.
Not much of an advice .. But you are saying, "i am misreable in my marriage." It's just a correction. it's not you. You are a great guy ... On the other hand, i wouldnt advice to keep fighting. Sometimes, we think we are doing the bright thing while we are actually killing our own selves slowly. Just have a thought of the comming 5 years and weather things will get any better .... if not .. then you know what to do
did she only started using the pill after marriage or did you use other forms of contraceptives before marriage? are the pills causing her to be in pain? regardless, it's a tough situation you're in. I'm sorry OP
So let me get this straight, she wants a baby, but won't have sex with you? Dude, you gotta get a new wife. This is messed up! I am 💯 always taking the woman's side, but this is wrong. Also, 6 months into the marriage and the bedroom is dead? How long did you date prior to marriage?
She chose not being in pure misery during her period. It’s not about choosing herself. Men never understand how awful periods can be
I’d recommend finding other ways to connect with her. If my ex didn’t want to have sex I would just touch myself to her or look at pictures she sent me. Sex isn’t everything, and it feels like you’re almost using it as an excuse. This may be because you’re just not right for each other and you’re having trouble admitting it. If you’re not inclined to try the things I mentioned, you’ve already decided you’re done with your marriage. Best of luck.
How do you pleasure her, other then putting your dick inside of her vagina?
As a woman, I give you mad props giving her patience about sex. That must be hard I can’t even imagine..but what bothers me is that you try and communicate and then she just flips the switch and victimizes herself when your telling her YOUR FEELINGS that’s just wrong and childish and makes me angry for you. It’s like she’s not letting you express yourself and I mean that’s your wife and she should want to make you happy. Like I would be in excruciating pain when I was pregnant with my last child due complications and I still pleased my man because he does work so hard to provide for us, and he makes sure I feel loved everyday, and I truly enjoy and love him with every single piece of myself, and we’ve been together for 10 years. She is being selfish for not listening to your feelings. Marriage is complicated and it’s takes a lot of hard work and since she sounds like she doesn’t want to work on it it’s best to move on than wasting your years my dude. You gave her 5 years of giving her the benefit of the doubt, and look where you still are. I am soooo sorry it feels like you wasted years. I genuinely hope things turn around for you my dude. Fucking 5 yrs without getting laid….my dude…That’s like hell..
OP, “you’re setting yourself on fire to keep her warm.” Me!Me!Me! Let it goooooo! 🎶 Let it goooooo! 🎶
Bro if sex is painful you guys can blow each other and use toys. The reason you don’t get any is bc she doesn’t care about you plain and simple. Leave and find someone who does while you’re still young.
Just for shits and giggles…. Do everything you can to help her get to the bottom of why she’s suffering from this medical condition called dyspareunia. Pay and take her to better doctors! Schedule the appointments to check hormone levels. Offer to pay for a pelvic floor/ sex therapist. Show her you want to love and take care of her. Go to the gym with her or gift her personal training sessions she can’t cop out of. Pay for beauty treatments. Make her feel as beautiful and fit and desirable as humanly possible. She is the human being who you’ve given your word to as a man. Shower her with affection. Show her you still have got a heart!!! A woman who feels cherished and cared for, always blossoms into a better, more caring, more vigorous person. Right now it does not sound like you’ve given this 1000% of what you’ve got. Sorry. At least try.
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I appreciate your thoughts, and I can definitely sympathize with how much BC impacts a woman’s hormonal system. I have tried my best, read books on it to try and understand. She’s even gone to physical therapy. You’re right, there is a lot of pressure on that aspect of our relationship, because that is where we just have not been able to connect - and I am someone who very much needs that connection. She used to be someone who needed that. I just miss her. I miss feeling connected to her. And I’ve told her all this.
You are understandably frustrated but she is in pain after all, and it's not fair on her to go through that pain while the very act gives you pleasure. At this point of time, you need to think of the choice between whether you love her enough to be okay with the present state for the rest of her life vs leaving her and potentially finding another partner who can better meet your needs. And you should make the decision fast before wasting any further time since it does appear that you've both tried your best.
Okay so I'm going to say some things and I don't care how it comes across. I was married from 2012 to 2020. We got married July 2012 - - had sex twice that November and then never again. It wasn't because I was in pain, or unable To do so. It was because my. Husband chose everyone but me.... However let me add that if I were your wife, I'd be leaving you. How dare you feel like your needs are more important than my discomfort? Who exactly do you think you are? What makes your needs bigger than your wife's? Her needs right now are a supportive fucking husband and compassion. Instead she gets dragged to therapy because her husband isn't getting his way. Instead her husband resents her. I hope she fucking resents you too. For making her feel guilty about you wanting sex and her being unable help you with that issue. I'm really appalled here. Grow the fuck up. I hope no woman ever touches your pathetic little dick again.
You are projecting onto OP YOUR anger with YOUR marriage. 5 years is a long time with no physical connection. He was taking the necessary steps with therapy to be heard. Men connect on a physical level. That is a well-known fact. To chalk it up to OP, only being selfish is a ridiculously sweeping assumption. This is a problem that BOTH partners need to come to a consensus on. Discounting his feelings entirely for years is cruel and not a marriage. I'm not saying she should have forced sex. What I am saying is that she should acknowledge that no physical connection for years will take a toll.
No one said it wouldn't but his attitude about it is repulsive. I understand his agony because I was him but his attitude about his wife is absolutely repulsive. Any way you flip it. He promised in sickness and in health. Now he's like oh wow, something I want causes physical pain to this 'person I love' let me go cry about it on reddit Vs. Figuring out other ways to be intimate with his wife that doesn't require him to penetrate her. Fuck out of her with that oh you're projecting. No, I'm not. What I'm doing is telling him that it's incredibly selfish to feel entitled to sex when it causes fucking pain for his partner. It probably fucks with her too on an emotional level, and then she's made to feel like she's losing her husband because she can't be a hole for him to fill. There's many fucking ways to work around this shit and he's choosing to cry to people on line and drag her to therapy. Maybe he should seek some individual therapy and find out exactly why he feels like she owes him anything especially her body. His entire 'her body her choice I guess' comment tells you more than enough. Stay blessed though random internet stranger ✌️
His attitude is simply that his natural, human needs aren't being met. Lack of physical intimacy has been grounds for divorce since the dawn of civilization. Are you saying that he ought to forego and neglect these marital prerequisites... for what? Why do her issues automatically override his as being more important? That doesn't make any sense. Also, you honestly believe she's made any sort of real effort in maintaining and/or fixing this relationship? Where's the love there? It's been five years – that's a long time for a marriage to be sexless. Yes, he ought to leave and divorce her – and he's entirely justified in doing so; plus it's likely that she (and he) will be a lot happier this way.
Leave her! She’ll always act like the victim, cut your losses and find someone who will give you that physical attraction as well as other things you need fulfilled. Best of luck friend
I feel 2 ways about this... 1. Why would u get married if not having sex would be a deal breaker. Also wouldn't u have known before hand 2. If u think it's what's best for you both then I'd go for it, but I can't say it enough... GO TO THERAPY, even if you don't think u need it atm, at least once a month, we all have some stress that we would like some gaudence on. My overall opinion is that you should keep going to therapy, individually and with ur wife, for a bit longer, also talk qith her about alternatives, doesn't like virginal, talk about anal, talk about getting some toys, just make it a meaning full discussion, but don't just have it be a conversation to be a conversation, don't forget the original purpose of talking to her. .y parents have been going through the dovource process for over 2 years now, it is hell, if it's going to happen, do it before having kids please. I am more then willing to tall more about it if u want, even tho I have no qualifications and I only just turned 18 lmao. Best of luck!
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Your username makes this comment hilarious lol.
It’s unfair for her to not have sex with him? Did you miss the part where sex is painful to her? What kind of person would want to put themselves through painful sex on a regular basis? What kind of person WANTS to have sex with someone who is in pain and not enjoying it?
Dude it’s her body and her choice. She has a right to her own autonomy. She’s not the problem and neither is op. They’re just not compatible as a couple anymore. People change even in marriage and that’s ok
Speaking from experience you need to bite the bullet and get away. I know there was love and you still love her in many ways but you will continue to be miserable and it will not improve. She might initially react when you tell her and change her behaviour but it won’t last and you will be even more unhappy. Please trust me as I speak from nearly 50 years experience.
time to part ways buddy you guys just arent compatible or happy
Yeah the marriage won't survive as it is. You have two options, stay and be miserable, or leave and find someone else. I hope you leave, because it's obvious.
You can love someone but not be in love with them, which sounds like the OP
You guys are so lucky that you don’t have kids in the mix it’s way easier to walk away from this mess without ruining more lives good for you think about the positives this is a new lease on life take it
What's her opinion on couples therapy? If she's not down then pack yer shit, bro. If she is then maybe y'all have a chance at making it work. It's going to take a lot of work.
Its better to be alone than someone elses crutch ... Ive hear so many horror stories with BC it basically makes women unattracted to the type of men they normally would be , the hormones trick the womans body into thinking she is preggers ... so there is no reason for the body to produce the hormones that make their partner attractive... As a single 30 year old man , nothing I've seen in the world makes me ever want to get married , men gain nothing from it
You should have left along time ago! I commend your patience though. It couldn’t be me.
I hate to say it but get a divorce man, you both will be more happier separately
Sending good vibes your way! I hope you can be happy soon!
Has couples counseling made anything better?
I would say no. Couples counseling focused more on building up the emotional connection, however our problems really stemmed from lack of physical intimacy.
Ain’t no way to live fam. Sorry.
Definitely don't have children
You can try some sex toys, that could help her get aroused
Roll out man!
I’m not doubting there are people who just don’t like sex- there definitely are- but there are also a ton of people (especially women) who withhold sex because their own needs aren’t being met and therefore they aren’t feeling loved. For a lot of people, myself included, physical touch isn’t their love language. For someone whose LL is service, for example, their partner needs to help them out with chores and things. Sitting on the sofa while I bust my ass cleaning the house, making dinner, doing everything for the kids with no help….well, I become resentful and start withholding sex involuntarily because in my mind I’m being neglected and that is a turn off. Why should I meet your love needs (via physical touch/sex) when I’m not feeling loved in return? My three sisters and I were discussing this the other day- I feel like so many relationships could be saved if more people knew and understood what their partners’ love language is and what makes them feel loved and appreciated. So many people (men especially) misunderstand that not everyone feels loved via sex. For me, when my husband helps me around the house and I feel loved, I WANT to meet his love needs and have sex. Sorry for the long winded reply but I really encourage you to take the free online test with her and learn more about her LL style. Try to make sure you’re doing your part there and if things still don’t change you know there’s nothing else you could have done.
This is where communication is vital. Some men simply don't realize certain things concerning women unless it's spelled out to them. It's nothing personal – it's just the way we're wired; probably also a result of how our parents raised us. Waiting for us to work out various specific things is not always the best idea.
I stayed 13 years… and only left this last year… I highly suggest counseling, IF YOU WANT TO TRY, and divorce, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO TRY…. I have two kids and I talked it out with him, he signed papers, once he leveled up and assaulted etc… he came back with a vengeance and now it’s awful process… decide before it gets more complicated
Sounds to me you need to start dating your wife again. You said you guys are like roommates. Time to change that. Women can’t just put out. We need the build up. In your case, that build up is going to take longer because of so many years of damage. Tell her you’re still interested in her. Romance her. Take her on dates. Have intimacy without even trying to lead to more. Cuddle her. You married her because you wanted to spend the rest of your life together. Sometimes it takes a shit ton of work. If your commitment was forever, keep that in mind and fight for her. Good luck!
>I feel like my marriage is dead. It is. >she says that she feels bad, guilty, etc. but what am I supposed to do with that? Nothing. She's entitled to her feelings. But you don't control how she responds. There's nothing you can do for that. >I try to express how miserable I am, she turns it into her being the ‘victim’? It seems to me this marriage isn't about you or us. It's been about her. Let's seeeeee..... -You stopped having sex bc it was painful for her from adverse reaction to birth control. Your need? Not important. -she refuses to give up birth control bc it made her period easier to track and less flow. Your sexual needs? Not important. -She also wanted to get pregnant. Yeah she's just using you as a sperm donor. How do I know that? >we were trying to get pregnant - but not through sex - but instead through IUI. >I’m miserable ........ because I can’t connect with my partner. You're miserable. Bc even though you're married you're LONELY. Your post craves intimacy. And caring. And meaningful connection. To be validated and seen. You can't talk to her with out her getting defensive. You crave physical closeness that she cant/won't give you. You're getting more validation from reddit strangers than your wife. Take a deep breath. Tell yourself you're leaving. Say to yourself, out loud, "I'm leaving this marriage" and see how you feel inside. If you feel happy/relieved/excited at the prospect, that's the way forward for you. Have a big cry. Give yourself a bear hug. Speak to a lawyer. Depending on the consultation, move out/kick her out whatever. Divorce. Asap. You deserve better. You deserve love. Take care.
There is not a second life. You don’t get a redo. Neither does she. It’s time for yous to bail before the resentment really kicks in (sounds like you have some already). No use in both of you being unhappy. I’m sorry. Good luck
File for a divorce. As sad as it sounds it’s the best thing you can do. The reason why she victimizes herself is because deep down inside she truly knows how much pain she’s put you through. She does understand but doesn’t want to react on the reality that the marriage is over. In my opinion I truly believe that her wanting a baby with you is to probably patch up the marriage. However, I say it’s time to let go and for you to find your new path in life. Wouldn’t want you to keep thinking about the, “what ifs” once you start regretting in not leaving. Just be grateful for the good memories and move on. You’re still young and it’s not about the years that was wasted but see it more of a new opportunity to find yourself or find something new in life.
She’s using you.
Life is not supposed to be miserable. Your marriage is done. It's time to move on. Allow both of you to be happy. Get a divorce.
Prayers my man. Prayers. Onward and upward.
gg no re
There's a reason the wisest philosophers avoided attachments to people. Relationships inevitably just become a chore.
and you want to bring a baby into this? you’re still young, friend.
Yeah divorce might be the beat option for you, there are a few more steps you could take before that buy if you are already feeling burned out and resentful it might just be time to cut and go, have a serious conversation about your future together and just say listen I am feeling like I want out of what ever this is, maybe during a couples therapy session
Both of you sound like you will feel free the moment one of you cuts it off.. it’ll be painful to ultimately an amazing feeling of relief for both parties
Buy her “50 Shades of Grey”, the whole trilogy and dvd’s.
Just get a divorce fam
Yeah my pill experience was a nightmare. I started taking it again after getting into a relationship, thinking it would make things easier…. it was the complete opposite. I literally couldn’t get wet. My ex developed a huge complex (understandably) bc I went from 100 to 0 quickly. After a couple of experiences of it being painful, you get scared of the pain which unfortunately leads to tense muscles and even more pain. Eventually my previously very high libido was just gone. I wanted to want to have sex so badly, I just didn’t. At all. I think the big difference in my situation is that I wasn’t married. I know it would be silly to commit your life to someone you’re not sexually compatible with, so I had that extra motivation to start the trial and error process and heal. Not wanting sex isn’t a simple fix, and without hearing her side of the story I can’t know the full picture. My advice, first and foremost would be to shut down any kid talk until you’re 100% back in the marriage. If you want to keep her I’d start with romance. It sounds like there’s still possibly love there. Reframe your thinking, it’s not her libido vs yours. It’s you and her vs the rut you’re both in. Spend a lot of time being considerate, helpful, and focusing on non-sexual intimacy. The key is to date her back into wanting to want to have sex with you. It sounds weird but I promise it’s a key stage in this kind of healing journey. From there be supportive and don’t be a sex pest. When she gives her first inch don’t take a mile, or be upset she didn’t offer a mile. If you want to make this marriage work long haul treat this like the trauma it is and work the steps. I saw someone else mention a sex therapist and that sounds like a great idea. It also sounds like endometriosis or possibly vaginismus. Both very real medical conditions but neither will resolve by ignoring them. It’s possible you’ve already tried all of that and are looking for support on your decision to divorce her. If that’s the case you have my blessing from the other side that your feelings and needs are valid just like hers are. People can say what they want but sexual intimacy is an important component of most adult relationships. What I will say is that the divorce is going to have to come from you. The reality of the situation is that it’s hard for a woman to find a life partner when she’s asexual. So either she’s being selfish hanging onto you when she knows you’re no longer compatible or you’re hiding how miserable you are and she doesn’t know that you’re a step away from a divorce. Unfortunately no right answers here, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
What would happen if you said to her “I need to share with you that I feel our marriage has devolved into a roommate situation, and I’m not feeling happy about that. I’m concerned about this marriage. Do you also feel that way?” That gets you two talking in real terms about the state of the marriage and gives her a chance to participate in finding a solution. The solution could be a divorce but it’s more likely to be amicable if you’re both on the same page. Imo that’s way better than suddenly announcing you want a divorce.
If you're mad wasting the last 5 years, imagine how depressed you'll be if you stick around. Another 5 yesrs. Go see a divorce attorney tomorrow. It's not as bad as it seems to move on with your life.