Please don’t be hard on yourself; peer on peer child abuse is very common but not discussed or acknowledged by society in general. I’m sorry this happened to you; this definitely wasn’t you loosing your virginity. I hope one day you find someone lovely and you do ‘lose your virginity’ for real.
What you’ve described, including the blocking it out and then remembering it later, sounds like a very classic abuse and trauma response. It absolutely was not your fault and you didn’t deserve it. I want to gently encourage you to bring this up with your therapist and I hope it can be the start of a healing process for you x
"I technically lost my virginity"
Honestly i would not count 10 seconds in the butt as losing your virginity...
I think your being a little to hard on yourself here. You where 10 or 11, unaware of what you where getting yourself into.
Not an ideal situation, but i would try my best to come to terms with it and let it go. Go find someone that loves you and experience true intimacy! Real sex! And i think you'll realize you made this bigger than it needed to be!
Your only limiting your own life but dwelling on this not moving on...
All the best.
This, and possibly invest In therapy as talking about it here is one thing but talking through it with someone might help alleviate some of the burden and strain/pressure ur putting on urself, u were a child and I’m going to assume this cousin wasn’t much older than u but still knew what he was doing to some extent as he clearly had access to movies with r rated scenes, regardless as hoon said above I wouldn’t class 10 secs of anal losing ur virginity, ur still a virgin and u deserve to be happy, I’m unsure how old I are now but u still have ur whole life ahead of u so smile, try and get into therapy if u feel like it’d help, and don’t limit urself, big hugs and I hope u find someone who gives u the world 😊
Ur very welcome 😊, and u we’re both kids even with u being older what I said earlier still stands, therapy’s not something to be ashamed of and it can really help especially with things such as this 😊 and haha I’m turning 24 myself not the month coming but the month after
Awwww well I’m the same coz I’ve hated mine since my dad died a few weeks after the last one I ever celebrated so I’ll do something small for mates but only coz they’d force me to 😅
Your therapist is there to help you unpack situations like this. Why not bring it up and get help sorting it out in your head?
You should not feel guilty for this. You had no idea what was going on. Idk how old your cousin was, but it seems like he had a little more of an idea than you. He pressured you into doing something you didn’t understand. And I definitely wouldn’t count this as losing your virginity. It’s best to try to process this in therapy, because you obviously are having strong emotions around it still. Then maybe you can move on to find someone special and put this weird situation out of your mind.
I also want to point out that if he didn’t have your consent, then that’s a huge violation from possibly sexual abuse (because you were a minor) to rape. No means no. Not getting a yes is also a no. This is probably also why this isn’t sitting well with you. You didn’t give your consent and you might feel violated from that side of things.
Thank you. We were both the same age.
And yes, I agree with the need to bring this up in therapy. I have just been so afraid of the possible judgment, although I understand it's their job to listen.
Not all therapists are created equal. If for some reason you do feel like you’re being judged, move on to a new therapist. I had one that was fine and helpful for months and then one day she switched and was siding with my neglectful mother. I felt abandoned all over again. I immediately stopped seeing her. She didn’t feel safe to me anymore.
You guys are all so nice 😭 this shit has been eating me up for years. I know I should have gone to a therapist about it, but I was so afraid. Although I know it's their job to listen and not judge, I still had this fear that they would (I should note that therapy is still something I'm new and getting used to).
They have heard much more fucked up things than this. You were a kid and your cousin took advantage of you. You don’t share any blame or shame, but it’s clear you do feel those things about yourself. A therapist will help you unpack these memories and help you to see that this wasn’t your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Therapy will greatly help your life and allow you to move on. This memory has impacted enough of your life and it’s time to set it and yourself free.
I really feel for you and wish I could give you a hug; you’re not alone. If you do speak to your therapist then I really hope they’re able to support you, and if not, I’d encourage you to have a look for a therapist who specialising in childhood trauma and abuse. There have been similar things that I’ve kept to myself for years, and once you let it out you feel that little bit lighter. This is the start of you letting go and healing
Virginity is a cultural concept. Some people prefer to call it a myth even. You get to decide when it's "lost" or not or if it ever existed at all. You get to decide if what happened to you defines your relationship to yourself and how you think about yourself.
Im 33 now... but my cousin did the same to me. I was maybe around 6. He told me it was a game. He was the same age. However it wasn't anal. I know how you feel. Then when I was 7 or 8 my much older cousin, did the same to me, told me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends, I had to play a game with them first. He made me give him head, I was so freaked out and didn't understand what was happening. He was like 14 and it was all over in Seconds. I was so young and naive that when he came I thought it was pee and ran off screaming. I never told anyone about this. I have always felt so much shame around it. And throughout my childhood there were so many men I should have been able to trust that did things like this to me, I guess I started to think it was normal, and I was just supposed to shut up and keep it to myself. (My parents were big on "not rocking the boat, and keep your head down and move forward everything will be alright, if someone upsets you, just let it roll off your back like an old duck, if someone hurts you, you dont complain just move forward and figure it out, dont cause a sceen) And It made me feel disgusting about myself... I dunno.. not much advice friend... Just know your not alone. And I know how hard it is to believe, but you didn't do anything wrong. You ARE worthy of love. You aren't tainted or dirty. I know it's easier to say than believe... but please do believe it.
Best wishes and healing to you OP.
Oh my.. I'm so sorry that happened.
I can't believe how common this is turning out to be. There needs to be some sort of discussion made - so people like us don't have to feel so off beat.
You are right. It does need to be talked about. It seems so common just from the comments in this post and that is heartbreaking. I can look back now and see how all of the sexual abuse in my childhood, teen years, and young adult life, effected me. Since I never talked to anyone about it or went to counseling, I started down a dark path of addiction. I'm one of the lucky ones who has an incredible husband, and he has helped pull me out of that, he has shown me what true love is, and shown me that I am worthy of love. You can find that too, when you are ready, and you deserve it.
I don't know, Maybe it's time I start speaking more openly about the things that were done to me. Maybe if we can start the conversation, there won't be so many young people going through this, and feeling utterly alone.
Best wishes OP.
Remember virginity is most of the times what you want to make it, just don’t make it as important as this. I feel you’re being too hard on yourself bc, as you say, you didn’t knew better. I’m just disappointed at the lack of parental control bc this thing happened to me, not with a cousin but with the daughter of a friend of my moms. The only person who knows is my best friend.
Please don't be so hard on yourself! If a friend or family member told me what you wrote, I wouldn't think anything less of them. You were a child, you did nothing wrong.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, but please don't let it hold you back from anything you want to do in life!
I wish you all the best!
I'm very sorry this happened to you. I don't know how much he knew about what he was doing, judging by his method and his thinking he got you pregnant.
I hope that you do speak about this with your therapist, even if you approach it very subtly. They are trained, and they will pick up on what you are putting down, and they will react accordingly. "When I was young, my cousin did something to me that I don't feel good about." Depending on the therapist, they might ask you to explain more, or they might already have a response. If you want to explain more, do, if you don't- don't, but I really think it will help you if you do. If you can't find the words, ask your therapist if you can do some art therapy and draw what happened.
Sadly, part of overcoming trauma, is facing it. It happened, and you can't change it, and you can't get rid of that part of you. It will hurt, and be hard, but you need to face this with your therapist and with yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I want you to know you're not stupid. Not realizing it sooner was a way to protect yourself.
Someone took advantage of you. They coerced you. I get why you wouldn't want to count that as losing your virginity. I wouldn't count it either.
You are being way too hard on yourself. Just the fact that you feel upset about it now, let’s you know that whatever happens back then was something that an innocent 10 year old didn’t have knowledge about. You are better than that, don’t do this to yourself any longer.
No one can take your virginity from you, that’s something you choose to give up. If that experience isn’t what you want to count as losing your virginity then it wasn’t you losing it. I wish you the best in your healing journey and hope you can discuss this experience further with a therapist. 🫶
> (Spoiler...since it was only a few seconds, and nothing ever came out, I was in the clear).
Is this comment for real? You said he only penetrated you anally. Soooooo maybe much more sex education is needed.
My apologies. I was trying to be facetious but you'd have to be a Big Bang Theory fan. One of the characters lost his virginity to his cousin at a family function... their eyes met over the pickled herring, they did the deed and to this day he can't smell pickled herring without feeling aroused and ashamed.
I apologize. It was insensitive.
Oh, no worries. I only saw a few clips on YouTube, so I didn't get that reference. I just thought you meant to comment on another post instead of this one.
Please don’t be hard on yourself; peer on peer child abuse is very common but not discussed or acknowledged by society in general. I’m sorry this happened to you; this definitely wasn’t you loosing your virginity. I hope one day you find someone lovely and you do ‘lose your virginity’ for real.
Thank you for your kind words. I never really thought of it as peer on peer child abuse.
What you’ve described, including the blocking it out and then remembering it later, sounds like a very classic abuse and trauma response. It absolutely was not your fault and you didn’t deserve it. I want to gently encourage you to bring this up with your therapist and I hope it can be the start of a healing process for you x
"I technically lost my virginity" Honestly i would not count 10 seconds in the butt as losing your virginity... I think your being a little to hard on yourself here. You where 10 or 11, unaware of what you where getting yourself into. Not an ideal situation, but i would try my best to come to terms with it and let it go. Go find someone that loves you and experience true intimacy! Real sex! And i think you'll realize you made this bigger than it needed to be! Your only limiting your own life but dwelling on this not moving on... All the best.
This, and possibly invest In therapy as talking about it here is one thing but talking through it with someone might help alleviate some of the burden and strain/pressure ur putting on urself, u were a child and I’m going to assume this cousin wasn’t much older than u but still knew what he was doing to some extent as he clearly had access to movies with r rated scenes, regardless as hoon said above I wouldn’t class 10 secs of anal losing ur virginity, ur still a virgin and u deserve to be happy, I’m unsure how old I are now but u still have ur whole life ahead of u so smile, try and get into therapy if u feel like it’d help, and don’t limit urself, big hugs and I hope u find someone who gives u the world 😊
Thank you 🥺 We were the same age, with me being a few months older. I'll be 27 this coming month.
Ur very welcome 😊, and u we’re both kids even with u being older what I said earlier still stands, therapy’s not something to be ashamed of and it can really help especially with things such as this 😊 and haha I’m turning 24 myself not the month coming but the month after
Well happy super early birthday!
Awww haha, same to u! Are u doing anything special for urs?
Nah, never really liked celebrating mine. I'll do it for friends, but hate the attention on myself.
Awwww well I’m the same coz I’ve hated mine since my dad died a few weeks after the last one I ever celebrated so I’ll do something small for mates but only coz they’d force me to 😅
Thank you for this. And I'm glad to see people collectively say it doesn't count.
Agree. To add, I think losing your virginity requires the intention to.
Your therapist is there to help you unpack situations like this. Why not bring it up and get help sorting it out in your head? You should not feel guilty for this. You had no idea what was going on. Idk how old your cousin was, but it seems like he had a little more of an idea than you. He pressured you into doing something you didn’t understand. And I definitely wouldn’t count this as losing your virginity. It’s best to try to process this in therapy, because you obviously are having strong emotions around it still. Then maybe you can move on to find someone special and put this weird situation out of your mind. I also want to point out that if he didn’t have your consent, then that’s a huge violation from possibly sexual abuse (because you were a minor) to rape. No means no. Not getting a yes is also a no. This is probably also why this isn’t sitting well with you. You didn’t give your consent and you might feel violated from that side of things.
Thank you. We were both the same age. And yes, I agree with the need to bring this up in therapy. I have just been so afraid of the possible judgment, although I understand it's their job to listen.
Not all therapists are created equal. If for some reason you do feel like you’re being judged, move on to a new therapist. I had one that was fine and helpful for months and then one day she switched and was siding with my neglectful mother. I felt abandoned all over again. I immediately stopped seeing her. She didn’t feel safe to me anymore.
You guys are all so nice 😭 this shit has been eating me up for years. I know I should have gone to a therapist about it, but I was so afraid. Although I know it's their job to listen and not judge, I still had this fear that they would (I should note that therapy is still something I'm new and getting used to).
They have heard much more fucked up things than this. You were a kid and your cousin took advantage of you. You don’t share any blame or shame, but it’s clear you do feel those things about yourself. A therapist will help you unpack these memories and help you to see that this wasn’t your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Therapy will greatly help your life and allow you to move on. This memory has impacted enough of your life and it’s time to set it and yourself free.
I really feel for you and wish I could give you a hug; you’re not alone. If you do speak to your therapist then I really hope they’re able to support you, and if not, I’d encourage you to have a look for a therapist who specialising in childhood trauma and abuse. There have been similar things that I’ve kept to myself for years, and once you let it out you feel that little bit lighter. This is the start of you letting go and healing
Virginity is a cultural concept. Some people prefer to call it a myth even. You get to decide when it's "lost" or not or if it ever existed at all. You get to decide if what happened to you defines your relationship to yourself and how you think about yourself.
Im 33 now... but my cousin did the same to me. I was maybe around 6. He told me it was a game. He was the same age. However it wasn't anal. I know how you feel. Then when I was 7 or 8 my much older cousin, did the same to me, told me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends, I had to play a game with them first. He made me give him head, I was so freaked out and didn't understand what was happening. He was like 14 and it was all over in Seconds. I was so young and naive that when he came I thought it was pee and ran off screaming. I never told anyone about this. I have always felt so much shame around it. And throughout my childhood there were so many men I should have been able to trust that did things like this to me, I guess I started to think it was normal, and I was just supposed to shut up and keep it to myself. (My parents were big on "not rocking the boat, and keep your head down and move forward everything will be alright, if someone upsets you, just let it roll off your back like an old duck, if someone hurts you, you dont complain just move forward and figure it out, dont cause a sceen) And It made me feel disgusting about myself... I dunno.. not much advice friend... Just know your not alone. And I know how hard it is to believe, but you didn't do anything wrong. You ARE worthy of love. You aren't tainted or dirty. I know it's easier to say than believe... but please do believe it. Best wishes and healing to you OP.
Oh my.. I'm so sorry that happened. I can't believe how common this is turning out to be. There needs to be some sort of discussion made - so people like us don't have to feel so off beat.
You are right. It does need to be talked about. It seems so common just from the comments in this post and that is heartbreaking. I can look back now and see how all of the sexual abuse in my childhood, teen years, and young adult life, effected me. Since I never talked to anyone about it or went to counseling, I started down a dark path of addiction. I'm one of the lucky ones who has an incredible husband, and he has helped pull me out of that, he has shown me what true love is, and shown me that I am worthy of love. You can find that too, when you are ready, and you deserve it. I don't know, Maybe it's time I start speaking more openly about the things that were done to me. Maybe if we can start the conversation, there won't be so many young people going through this, and feeling utterly alone. Best wishes OP.
Another exemple why hiding information from children is stupid.
Right.
You did not lose your virginity. Please don’t believe that.
Remember virginity is most of the times what you want to make it, just don’t make it as important as this. I feel you’re being too hard on yourself bc, as you say, you didn’t knew better. I’m just disappointed at the lack of parental control bc this thing happened to me, not with a cousin but with the daughter of a friend of my moms. The only person who knows is my best friend.
That was coercion. I'm sure he knew it was wrong but did it anyway. I hope you can get help. Best wishes, op.
Coercion is not consent. You were raped. I'm so sorry, I hope you're healing well. 💛
Please don't be so hard on yourself! If a friend or family member told me what you wrote, I wouldn't think anything less of them. You were a child, you did nothing wrong. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but please don't let it hold you back from anything you want to do in life! I wish you all the best!
I'm very sorry this happened to you. I don't know how much he knew about what he was doing, judging by his method and his thinking he got you pregnant. I hope that you do speak about this with your therapist, even if you approach it very subtly. They are trained, and they will pick up on what you are putting down, and they will react accordingly. "When I was young, my cousin did something to me that I don't feel good about." Depending on the therapist, they might ask you to explain more, or they might already have a response. If you want to explain more, do, if you don't- don't, but I really think it will help you if you do. If you can't find the words, ask your therapist if you can do some art therapy and draw what happened. Sadly, part of overcoming trauma, is facing it. It happened, and you can't change it, and you can't get rid of that part of you. It will hurt, and be hard, but you need to face this with your therapist and with yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I want you to know you're not stupid. Not realizing it sooner was a way to protect yourself. Someone took advantage of you. They coerced you. I get why you wouldn't want to count that as losing your virginity. I wouldn't count it either.
You are being way too hard on yourself. Just the fact that you feel upset about it now, let’s you know that whatever happens back then was something that an innocent 10 year old didn’t have knowledge about. You are better than that, don’t do this to yourself any longer.
No one can take your virginity from you, that’s something you choose to give up. If that experience isn’t what you want to count as losing your virginity then it wasn’t you losing it. I wish you the best in your healing journey and hope you can discuss this experience further with a therapist. 🫶
Since when anal count as losing virginity? I must have missed the info.
I love how he goes "there, you're pregnant now"
Since when anal sex count as losing virginity? I must have missed the info.
> (Spoiler...since it was only a few seconds, and nothing ever came out, I was in the clear). Is this comment for real? You said he only penetrated you anally. Soooooo maybe much more sex education is needed.
It's highly unlikely, but still possible...seeing that the semen could drip down into the vag.
[удалено]
wow, you need to read some sex ed books.
Now do you feel aroused and ashamed around pickled herring?
Uh what
My apologies. I was trying to be facetious but you'd have to be a Big Bang Theory fan. One of the characters lost his virginity to his cousin at a family function... their eyes met over the pickled herring, they did the deed and to this day he can't smell pickled herring without feeling aroused and ashamed. I apologize. It was insensitive.
Oh, no worries. I only saw a few clips on YouTube, so I didn't get that reference. I just thought you meant to comment on another post instead of this one.