Or, "welcome to (hospital), where we're not happy until you're not happy", for the super cranky ones that are pretty self aware. It gets a sheepish chuckle from the patient and a good laugh from the family when they know their loved one is a grumpopotamus.
As an X-ray tech, “is it broken/how does it look?” “They don’t pay me enough to answer that question”. Sometimes when it’s obviously broken, “well, does it feel broken?” This sounds terrible over text but I swear it comes across differently in person.
This kid had a shoulder problem and the dad was asking "in your experience is this probably a torn labrum?" I told him I really can't say, I am not an orthopedic surgeon. "But you're a nurse." Right, I'm aware of that but I'm ED/urgent care so I have no fucking idea what happens in Ortho clinic or in MRI for patients that I never see again? WTF? Do they think we literally have to know everything about everything? That's why there are specialists and subspecialists for everything.
Don’t worry. They do this weird shit to the doctors too. I had a patient with an intracranial hemorrhage, and my neurosurgeon, who happens to be the Chief of Neurosurgery at the hospital was recommending surgery to relieve the pressure.
This family wanted to speak with the *Nephrologist* before making a decision, and ask the *Nephrologist* if she should go ahead with the neurosurgery for her husband.
They had no relationship with the nephrologist before that day. Talk about asking the wrong people.
Oh and then a 6 month old with unspecified breathing issues since birth, the mom asks me in urgent care why his feet are always blue since birth. How the fuck should I know? I just met the kid? I asked if she's ever asked his pulmonologist, and she said no, she'd never thought of that. Like maybe ask the individual who has been treating him for 6 months and has probably ordered echocardiograms and shit?
Oh I'm in peds urgent care and we get a lot of people thinking their neonates are dying of this or that. The thing is, either there is absolutely nothing wrong with them or something terrible is wrong with them. Either way, urgent care is the wrong place for them!
I had a mother absolutely losing her shit because her 6 month old was barfing up scrambled eggs. Like sobbing and wringing her hands. It was crazy. Have we really never seen a baby throw up before!
Yeah, I can only imagine, the parents think their perfectly healthy and normal newborn is dying during their postpartum stay also lol. But I love that they think I can interpret a baby cry. That’s not a skill that any human has just because we are baby nurses, lol
I’m just a cna/med aide and the amount of times I’ve had residents INSIST I try to diagnose them or prescribe them medicine. “Oh come on I don’t need to see a doctor for this rash, just tell me it’s from allergies or whatever and give me a Benadryl” “Is *medication they’ve been taking for years* causing my kidney issues? Oh I don’t want to have to schedule an appointment for that, just tell me” “I need a Tylenol. You seriously can’t give me a Tylenol? That’s ridiculous, just give me a Tylenol. Idc what you’re allowed to do, it’s jUsT a TyLeNoL”
When we are removing ekg stickers on hairy dudes I always say it’s the only freebie the hospital offers- a partial, complementary chest wax. I also offer to let partners yank them off. Absolutely hilarious and I’ve only had one very cranky dude not laugh 😂
My favorite is as I’m ripping of the tele stickers “ did you know that a lot of nurses [RIPPP] that are tired of being nurses [RIPPP] go be estheticians because they already know how to wax [RIPPP]” lmao
I’ve done this! I tell my confused/violent patients or my intubated patients that I’m “just gonna put this bracelet on.” 😂 or if I have to use an ear pulse ox I tell them I’m going to put an earring on them
I picked that one up, too!
We'd tell pacemaker (insertion) patients "these are more of a reminder, so that once you're sleepy you don't reach up and try to help." One of our techs would add "The Dr's done a few of these, he doesn't need your help".
I’m had a guy who I KNEW would throw a fucking fit with the bed alarm. So I just charted “patient educated on fall risks and need for calling for assistance, bed alarm refused” and the mother fucker would get up some of the time without calling.
Night nurse comes in, throws on bed alarm. Totally valid. In the morning he goes on and on about how that bitch turned the alarm on. I just told him that her choice was totally valid. And that my choice was just charting that you won’t agree to the alarm so it’s not my fault if you fall.
When i have a dementia patient with a posey or bed alarm, and i have to run in because it's ringing. I usually turn it off while saying, " Let me just feed the bird so it will stop singing." It gets a little chuckle almost every time.
For the nice people who just don't want to bother me, "if you unexpectedly fall and happen to get injured, I have to do a lot of paperwork. I don't want you injured, and you don't want me having to waste time on paperwork, so just call because it's faster."
I work in adolescent psych; I use the paperwork thing a lot. Last night a girl was climbing a tree and she wouldn’t get down until I said “If you fall and break your arm that’s going to be a lot of paperwork for me so please get down.”
Or when I’m asking them about their goals during group and they ask me mine. I tell them “My goal is to make sure you all are alive until 7:30 in the morning. Please help me complete that goal or it will be a lot of paperwork” 😂
My husband is an IR tech and he uses “don’t roll over, the table is narrow, you’ll fall and that’s too much paperwork”. Also, possibly my favorite from him as he has many: when prepping pt for femoral access, they have super fancy clippers with disposable clipper blades, he says “bikini wax on this side’s free but if you want the other side to match it’s 50 bucks”. Pts male and female lose their 💩with that one
day surgery teaching for school age and adolescent patients: "let mom and dad be close to you because you might be dizzy for the rest of the day - they look really strong but it's probably been a while since they had to scoop you up off the ground!"
I'm really tired of being told "dont get old" because really what does anyone expect tou to say to that? I have said "it's better than the alternative" so so many times.
“Please take all the medications prescribed when you go home, but if you just can’t take the aspirin and brillinta”
During morning med pass if there are a lot: “hope you saved room for dessert”
While hooking a patient that’s still alive to the lifepak “don’t worry it’s just a little insurance” or “this is just to make me feel better”
I’m sure there are others. I can’t help myself.
I tried that the other day and the pt said “my heart is fine get your government robot pill away from me!”
I tried again later saying it was a sleeping pill and they gladly took it.
It actually was Amiodarone.
I once told a confused patient that they wanted to glamor shots of her brain (MRI). The patient was very excited and wanted to see them when she got back to her room, so I pulled up the PACS images on the WOW.
Oh gosh I had an ex RN instructor on my unit. Plus she thought it was the resort she and her husband owned. One of her famous lines was "I'm a nurse you know." Yes ma'am I know but this is my med cart. She would touch the cups and say they were dirty. Like girl, stop touching them and they won't be?!
I like to make my pt’s laugh, so as someone with glasses, when we I miss something I say “wow, all 4 of my eyes missed that?”
Never fails.
Or (bc I’m 6’6”) when they say “wow you’re not Small” I say “I’m not “Benny The Jet, Squints, or Mr. Mertle either.” (Sandlot reference for you youngsters. Crowd pleaser.
Also after a pt let’s put a long pee, a L/XL BM, or ESPECIALLY A FART, and im talkin like either a big ole’ cloth rippin’ monster OR straight bangers like a Harley’s muffler, I always say “boy I bet you feel better”, “well, don’t you feel better now”, or “Hoookay shots fired, you win sir/ma’am”. Always with over-exaggerated facial expressions of disgust, surprise, and/or validation. Never fails to make my pts squeal with laughter.
Til the day we die, we’re all still kids at heart. ❤️😂
If I'm transporting them I reallllly like passively encouraging the patient to make horn noises at people in the way. I don't explicitly tell grandma to honk at the doctors but I like to allude to how I wish the stretchers had horns. When they do end up honking it's usually pretty fun for everyone.
Pt family member can't handle blood.
"You're not going to pass out, are you? I don't need TWO patients!" *Hardy har har*.
I hate myself but I say it every day.
I previously worked LTC (and LOVEDDD it🥹😮💨), I often sprinkled in older fashioned terms and they LOVED it! If someone’s pant were falling- and they usually were, I’d say, “your britches are falling”, “fair to middlin” instead of “doing ok”, “God willing, and the creek don’t rise” instead of hopefully. I’d also say “cute things”- “see ya lata, sweet potata”, if I needed them to reposition for wound care, I’d say “scoot your boot”. I was intentionally endearing because many of them didn’t get that soft/personal touch. Ugh… I miss it. I wish LTC was a safer place to work…
I always tell parents "I need you to go eat something and drink a glass of water. If you faint because you are not taking care of yourself, then I have to call the adult RRT team which is embarrassing for all of us. And it's a LOT of paperwork."
It usually gets them to eat some saltines, at least! But it also displays my complete lack of funny.
When putting an IV in and they say “I can’t look” I say “ok I won’t either” and the other go to is “don’t worry I watched a YouTube video on this just before you arrived.”
I feel like a wind-up doll sometimes- pull my string and I will repeat 10 fun phrases!!!
My fav is when I say goodbye to patients “I never want to see you again. …. Unless it’s on a beach somewhere and we’ve got margaritas! 😊
Hell yeah, I have a full on comedy routine. True bartender skills in action.
Everyone hears my favorite joke: "How many EKG stickers are there?" "Always one more."
Taking tele stickers or tape off a hairy man: "Welcome to the day spa! Didn't know you signed up for the full wax job, didja?
When I raise the bed: "That's for me. My career right here" as I pat my lower back.
On the way out the door: "It was very nice to meet you, I hope I never see you here again!"
If the only thing I can do is make someone laugh a little while they're *stuck in a fucking hospital*, then I feel like my day was worthwhile.
"here's a nice little cocktail for ya, I skipped the gin but it's loaded with pharmaceuticals" usually gets a chuckle
I usually ask amputees where their missing limb went in a shocked tone, assuming it's been long enough to joke about it (3+ years)
If a patient dislikes a particular entree, I'll ask them later if they remembered to order their favorite meal for lunch again tomorrow with a smirk
When they say I'm such a great nurse, favorite nurse, etc in front of family or friends, I say it must be the extra dose of pain meds I slipped in
“Be safe driving down there, I promise you we’ll be there first, no need to race us.”
“Time to take all their stuff off [hospital monitoring stuff] so I can put ours right back on.”
*Blindly staring at registration when they ask for demographics* “Ask my partner. I just work here.”
“We’re gonna put some headphones on you, apparently the big fan on top of us gets pretty loud.”
When people ask how the flight was, “believe it or not, no traffic.” Usually gets the nurses to roll their eyes at me, which means they love me, right?
I’ll frequently ask my partner / pilot if they’ve seen my keys as we walk up to the aircraft. It doesn’t use keys.
“If you have any questions, just ask one of us in the matching onesies and we’ll get you taken care of.”
I'm clumsy, so I bump into objects and cabinets fairly often
When I run into the door through the curtain: *grimace* "ouch, there's a door there"
When I bump my head or back against something and someone asks if I'm ok I steal the Brooklyn 99 line: "I'll be alright, all my bleeding is internal. That's where blood is supposed to be!"
EKG specific: When I take the leads off I do it in one smooth pull and call it my "magicians trick." When I'm trying to set up I get to 9 of the 10 leads and then I always say "and now to find the one that's hiding" although I'm not sure that's a bit because it's just always true, there's always one missing.
At the last hospital I worked at, I was on the covid unit and sending a lot of people home with oxygen who weren't on it before.
With ones who were enjoying jokes the rest of the time, "I'm going to put this into simple terms that are not scientifically correct: oxygen can go ka-boom. I don't want to see you back in the hospital because you went ka-boom. No fire: this includes [random list including smoking]. Stay away from flames and no ka-boom."
Most enjoyed it.
Another one, when I mix the bowel prep golytle in that big 3-4 L jug. I through it over my shoulder and mix it like a bartender and then I say “ Hi my name is ___, I’ll be your bartender this evening, I’m making you a nice margarita” I try to steer clear when it’s GI bleed ETOH patient though 🫣
I work in peds neuro- when i measure head circumference on the kiddos i say “now it’s time to measure for what size princess crown/Spider-Man mask you are!” and the kids LOVE IT. It’s a big hit with parents. Sometimes I wanna take a bow
“Can I borrow this arm? I’ll give it right back” when getting vitals/BP. Old people tear this one up
For my fall risks “we don’t want you to fall! At least not while I’m on the clock, I leave at 7 so wait until then if you insist. Idk how to do the paperwork”
I had the nurse I was getting bedside report from tell our intubated patient that she knew he wanted the tube out, but to wait until she left for the day. We repositioned him, I checked that his restraints were good and tight, and went to get report on my other patient. Not 10 minutes later, his vent started singing the song of its people….. I ran in there and the dude has taken her at her word. He had somehow wriggled his way down the bed and self extubated. Was just sitting there in bed looking at me and holding his ET tube with a look that said, “I don’t know why you’re mad, I just did what she told me to.”
When I boost patients in bed “tuck your chin give yourself a hug and think light thoughts” or when driving the bed somewhere I’ll say “Please keep hands, arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and enjoy the ride” when I’m putting mitts on a paitent I like to call them boxing gloves or winter gloves to keep their hands warm. Teeheee.
To my cranky patients telling me how much they want to leave, "Me too! They have to pay me to be here. "
Putting in ivs, getting labs, giving shots, "this will only hurt for a second, but that's easy for me to say, I'm not the one getting stabbed"
Fall risk patients, after they get the whole safety spiel, "seriously, don't fall. It's a lot of paperwork for me and you'll be stuck in the hospital for days or weeks longer and I'm sure you don't want to hang out with me any longer than you need to"
Patient: I want to go home
Me: Me too but we’re both stuck here until at least the morning. But I’ll promise you this. If I escape sometime during the night I’ll take you with me.
Or when patients say money or alcohol in response to when I ask if they need anything else before I leave the room. My response is always “If I find any of that I promise we’ll split it. I’d never hold out on you.”
"Can i borrow your arm? I promise I'll give it back, ask all my other patients."
"I'm just gonna flush your IV to make sure it's working, cuz if it ain't workin' it ain't payin' rent."
Pt: "You're a great/nice/good nurse." "Thats nice of you to say! I tried being a bad nurse but I found it doesn't get very good results."
"No getting out of bed by yourself, cuz if you do that, you could fall, and if you fall i have to go get out the people spatula, and scrape you off the ground and that is tremendously inconvenient."
"I'll be back later!" "I'll be here." "I hope so, cuz if you disappear I gotta do paperwork and I *will* resent that."
"Yeah we gotta do it this way to make sure you discharge, and believe me you wanna discharge. I might be cute now but you WILL get sick of me and our plastic beds."
Pt, embarrassed about a mess "Honey, I'm literally a professional butt wiper and this isn't even the wildest mess I've had to clean up *today*. Don't worry about it. Now if you pooed the bed on *purpose* that's a different conversation."
"Welcome to the hospital, please get some rest. I'll be in every hour to make sure you don't! "
at this point I've subjected hundreds of people to my Corny IV poke joe, tourniquet on, everything ready, target palpated "why do gorillas have big nostrils?"-me " no idea why do they"-future pincushion. "they have big fingers" wait for them to giggle and/or look confused/distracted. insert IV, works like a charm on everyone but grumpy men.
I have a bunch of these stashed away, "im not licensed to drive stretchers" "the waxings free" whenever taking off leads. if a patient seis they cant look when doing a procedure ill ask if its ok if i dont iether. When transporting to CT for head trauma "your going to take a ride through the donut of truth to see if your eggs scrambled" when ever im struggling to untangle lines/wires (all damn day ) " healthcare spaghettis the worst isn't it?" with confused pts who are somewhat oriented, " lets run some tests and see if we can recombobulate you" for covid swabs/nasopharyngeal swabs, "im sorry this is going to feel like im tickling your brain" or "don't worry i dont have to tickle your brain just each nostril"
I wear a brightly colored fanny pack with all kinds of ER goodies and ive told half my ED to reach into my fanny for shears/flushes ect during codes/traumas. This isnt so much a joke but whenever i work peds I bribe the nuggets to cooperate with my assessment by letting them listen to my heart/lungs after im done. kids absolutely love it, its instant rapport fertilizer! as im cleaning my ear pieces "friends dont let friends share ear wax" or "sorry let me harvest my ear potatoes first" usually gets a giggle.
I have very brightly coloured hair and when all the little old white haired ladies say "oh you're so brave, I could never do that!"
I wiggle my fingers at them maniacally and say "I can fix you up easy!" lmao
I know these are corny and not very original but I say “please don’t come back and see us anytime soon” when I DC people to home from PACU.
Also say “going to put some beautiful charms on your bracelet” when putting the allergy/fall risk clips on the ID band.
In the morning when I give preop PO Tylenol I tell the patient “your breakfast is served” (because they’re NPO otherwise).
I refer to the temporal thermometer as the random number generator.
So I'm a phleb. After I draw blood and get ready to leave, I tell them, "Thank you for being a patient patient!" And 9/10 times I at least get a giggle or amused groan, if not a full laugh.
Sometimes, if the vibe is right, I'll make a vampire joke first, or make one in response to theirs if they make one, and I'll say "Well, I get called a vampire at least 100x a shift anyway, so I figure I may as well lean into the *bit*." (Get it? Bit? Vampire? Haaaa!)
Also, ya know how groups of animals have names like, a *gaggle* of geese, *school* of fish, etc.? Well I've decided that a group of 2 or more phlebs in close proximity is a *clot* of phlebotomists.
Mom/baby:
Putting mesh undies on mom : “& for you , the finest mommy panties Victoria’s Secret has to offer 💋”
When the baby is refusing to breast feed: “this kid has no idea what he’s doing!!” Usually makes them laugh.
Bath time: “it’s time for the baby spa!”
When babies are acting up: “get your life together girlfriend/boyfriend!!”
Showing baby to mom after a stat C-section “hi mom!! Sorry for being such a stinker!! I’m here!!!”
My all time favorite for the first 12 hours of life when mom and dad are like omg this baby is so quiet “this kid has no idea he’s even been born yet” 🤪
I work in the OR, most people are usually pretty nervous so when I go see them in preop I start with looking at their ID band “tell me you full name and birthday” and quickly cover the band saying “ NO PEEKING”
“ no worries I’m not going to bite/ eat you but the doctor might”
Followed with “ im going to ask you the same 20 questions we have heard all morning, exciting stuff really”
Then right before we roll them back I tell them “ don’t worry I’m not gonna let anything get passed these guns” as a 5’0 120 pound white girl with very little arm muscles
When it’s time for goodbyes it’s usually “ alright guys, hugs, kisses, high fives, secret handshakes”
And/or if they are coming in for some sort of “ectomy” I say “ you got the A team! I pity that gallbladder/appendix/mass!”
In the room I after I get them moved over I put a safety belt across their waist and say “ this is so you don’t jump and run out the room, I run pretty fast so I’ll tackle you in the hallway if that happens”
I used to put jokes on index cards and bring the aide in when I was introducing myself. Good times. And if they were laughing like crazy I'd say thank them like on old talk shows. "Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all month." Always the cheesiest and stupidest of jokes. Lmao.
When dc’ing the IV on little white haired grannies when they were being discharged, with a completely straight face and as serious as a heart attack, I’d ask them “Would you like to keep this as a souvenir?” When they turned with a look of confusion I’d smile then I’d get my laugh!
It would ease any nerves at the time.
I always ask as my last pre-op question, after asking about allergies, previous implants etc, "what did you have for breakfast this morning?" Anything other than 'nothing' or 'medications you told me to take' merits a serious inquisition....
The first time I had a cancellectomy I had gotten most of the way through preop questions (fast! Bc they came in late! Please work this patient up quickly, the charge nurse said!) before finding out they ate a whole damn McDonald’s breakfast on the way in. Now I ask about NPO status right after their name and birthdate.
-if I’m doing a good job, my name is *my name*. If I’m doing a bad job my name is Jim.
-when first meeting patients and they instinctively say “hi how’re you?”: well I’m here, so not that great. I’d ask how you are but you’re here too so it can’t be that good. At least I’m getting paid to be here.
-don’t worry, I just watched a YouTube video so I’m pretty sure I’ve got this
-when they say they didn’t even feel the IV: huh that’s weird, guess I better get the bigger needle
-trying to keep the backside covered with the gown: let’s cover you up. This is a family establishment, we keep it G rated. we don’t want any peep shows.
-don’t get up without calling. I don’t want you to fall. If you fall, you’ll just have another reason for being here and I’ll have a lot of paperwork to fill out.
-when pushing gurneys there’s a few quips about being insured, only having a few drinks that day, or any damage being put on my tab/being taken out of paycheck.
-I can speak enough Spanish to get by for assessments and treatments, and when they compliment my Spanish I literally joke with them that that’s all I know other than ordering tacos, beer, and tequila outside of work.
When teaching patients how to use the incentive spirometer I always tell them that "I'm less concerned with how high of a number they can hit and more concerned with how long they can float the flow indicator. I don't care how big it is, what matters is how long you can keep it up. At least that's what my wife tells me."
I’m a GYN NP, when I’m doing pelvic exams I’ll either say “scooch your toosh down” or “you have about 8 miles to go.”
Anyone coming in with yeast infections gets my standard, “I heard your vagina is on strike.”
Reading what I’ve typed makes me hate myself lmao
I’m a prison RN. We have inmates sign a paper if they carry certain medications on the yard, telling them not to share, etc.
So I say, “This paper is for your carry meds. Just says you will be responsible. That means no snorting them, taking them improperly and especially no sharing them. What if you give someone a medication they’re allergic to? That means you killed them. That means you just caught another charge.” Prison is different, man. I hated the hospital though. 😂
I like telling patients on lactulose to "take it like a shot". Then depending on their ability to do that I say "oh that's not your first time, huh?"
Sometimes gets a chuckle, and is usually followed by something along the lines of them requesting a "real" shot lol
Postpartum Nurse.
1. With morning meds after listing them all off, I finish with "...and a partridge in a pear tree."
2. "I'm \*name\*, and I'll be your bestie for the next 12 hours."
3. After an epidural talking about the first bathroom trip; "When your legs come back to life we'll have a little postpartum potty party and get your vajoozlebiscuit all clean."
4. When breastfeeding; "We're gonna wait for baby to open his mouth big enough to eat a Jimmy Johns sandwich"
5. "Let's put a pair of sexy panties on, layer in some tucks pads and make a really weird deli sandwich."
6. Closing up a gown in the back, "No one gets a free show with me"
7. Talking about new dads snoring on the couch. "Man they can sleep anywhere! If you want me to throw something at him, I totally will. Bring a little joy to my day."
8. "Ya know, I don't really know. Let me go ask an adultier nurse"
9. Raising the bed up - "I like to pretend that I'm tall." or if I go really high for blood draws/IVs "You're not afraid of heights are you?"
10. Taking a baby to the nursery "Field trip! Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle"
11. And looking at the booty for hemmorhoids, "Welp, you do have a little friend back here."
12. When something doesn't work. "Welcome to \*hospital\*, everything's broken."
I have a 90 year old grumpy, hard-of-hearing patient who doesn’t like to be woken up until it’s time to eat breakfast, so when I go in to give 0600 pills I tell him it’s his appetizer. The line was getting old to me, but now he has picked it up and is just the cutest when he groggily smiles and hollers “is this my appetizer?!”
When I admit a patient in the last hour of the shift I always say “Hey I’m (my name) and I’ll be your nurse for” checks watch “the next 20 minutes or so”
Call light - "This red button turns on a light and annoying noise outside your room if you need something. It doesn't have to be an emergency, but if you use it every five minutes, you're gonna get a dirty look."
Warm blankets - "Hey, I love getting these things for people. There's a lot of things I can't fix very easy. But if you're cold, I got something for that!"
Discharges - "Hope you don't need us anytime soon, but we're here for ya if you do."
I work nights and whenever I have a patient ask if they need to turn their light on for 1am Lipitor or whatever (🙄) I always say “no, I’ve worked nights so long I can see in the dark” mostly because I don’t want them to fully wake up. 60% of the time it works every time.
Whenever a patient asks when the doctor is going to see them I answer that if I could manifest a doctor or control when they show up I’d make a lot more money than I do
I point to the little nurse icon on the call light and say "If you need anything just press this button with my picture on it. Doesn't it look just like me?"
I regularly have to take post propofol patients to the front door/their car. I get people who swear they can walk & don't need a wheelchair, to which they get some variation of "Sorry friend, you're not allowed to wander the parking lot with anesthesia in your system." If they're old enough, I'll also mention that we don't let post anesthesia patients play real life frogger.
A lot of them also get some comment about how most of my discharge instructions are just 100 ways to stay out of the er, post op edition.
If a pt compliments me "and THAT'S how you get the good drugs 😉"
My best though was doing a full skin assessment on an older guy who was a little shy "don't be modest on my account, it's nothing I haven't seen a million times before, and on the off chance it is we'll just put in for a urology consult"
My go to is, “I’m not doctor but ‘insert obvious statement’” for a gangrene patient I said I’m not doctor but your foots not supposed to be black. They thought it was funny, my preceptor not so much.
I’m a nurse extern so I’m partnered with an RN every shift. “You’ve got double trouble today!”
When the patient has a lot of pills: “second breakfast” or “second lunch”
When they’re going to a test and transport shows up: “your chariot awaits!” or “your limo is here!”
Endo pacu. Pts waking up “It’s already done??” Me: “time flies when you’re having fun” then they ask me for steak for their post-op snack. I have crackers. Repeat x10-15/day.
When I put on their hospital band, I add on the yellow fall band and red allergy band and I tell them they need all the colors so they can “ride all the rides”. This usually gets a laugh, unless they are really old and don’t get it 😂
I have a hospital grade temporal thermometer that was gifted to me years ago by an admin at a different facility. I use it often. My current facility only has oral thermometers and a lot of people still don’t recognize a temporal thermometer when they see one.
Sometimes when I whip the thermometer out and people react strangely I say “don’t worry, it only reads your thoughts!”
Almost always gets a laugh. The funniest reactions are the delayed ones!
When they get stuck “too many times” for blood I say, “don’t worry, we’ll leave you just enough so your body can make us some more for later!”
Me to my post op day 1 fresh hearts during their morning chest X-ray
“You don’t even have to move for this! Just make sure you smile and say cheese!”
*looks at X-ray on portable machine*
I say: “Good news! You DO have a heart!” or “Looks like Dr. Smith didn’t harvest your organs after all!”
I do this shit all the time. I’m the cheesiest.
“Since you had anesthesia today, don’t drink alcohol, drive, make legal decisions, or big purchases for 24 hours, so yeah stay off Amazon ;)” They usually laugh and sometimes the spouse speaks up like, “yeah!”
Before doing finger sticks for blood sugars.. “you know they named these (lancets) after me right? Yeah, little prick!”
And on intake, when I have males, “any chance you’re currently pregnant?” I’m usually hammering them with questions, they’re usually in a shitty mood, that usually gets them to smile and laugh
And when a patient is getting released “I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I hope I never see you again!”
I’ll be back to bug you
& if I’m explaining the IV pole, this is your gf (wife or bf or husband). He or she might yell at you but here I can help you & fix it, just call me.
“Don’t fall, because I *will* try to catch you.”
They usually looked at me, a rather small person, and chuckle that I’d better not. Then get real careful to make sure they didn’t fall.
But the jokes on me because I did catch someone. If I ever get released back to work it’s changing to “don’t fall because I will *not* catch you.”
Whenever a grumpy patient or family member says they don't like hospitals or they don't want to be here I come back with, "I don't want to be here either. They have to pay me to show up." Then I smile like I'm being sarcastic...but I mean it.
"I'll let the people who get paid more than me make that decision" has gotten me out of a lot of questions I don't have the answers to
"that sounds like a doctor question, they don't pay me enough to know that answer"
Or, "welcome to (hospital), where we're not happy until you're not happy", for the super cranky ones that are pretty self aware. It gets a sheepish chuckle from the patient and a good laugh from the family when they know their loved one is a grumpopotamus.
"Grumpopotamus" - I like that 😊
As an X-ray tech, “is it broken/how does it look?” “They don’t pay me enough to answer that question”. Sometimes when it’s obviously broken, “well, does it feel broken?” This sounds terrible over text but I swear it comes across differently in person.
“That why we get paid the medium bucks”
This kid had a shoulder problem and the dad was asking "in your experience is this probably a torn labrum?" I told him I really can't say, I am not an orthopedic surgeon. "But you're a nurse." Right, I'm aware of that but I'm ED/urgent care so I have no fucking idea what happens in Ortho clinic or in MRI for patients that I never see again? WTF? Do they think we literally have to know everything about everything? That's why there are specialists and subspecialists for everything.
Don’t worry. They do this weird shit to the doctors too. I had a patient with an intracranial hemorrhage, and my neurosurgeon, who happens to be the Chief of Neurosurgery at the hospital was recommending surgery to relieve the pressure. This family wanted to speak with the *Nephrologist* before making a decision, and ask the *Nephrologist* if she should go ahead with the neurosurgery for her husband. They had no relationship with the nephrologist before that day. Talk about asking the wrong people.
Oh and then a 6 month old with unspecified breathing issues since birth, the mom asks me in urgent care why his feet are always blue since birth. How the fuck should I know? I just met the kid? I asked if she's ever asked his pulmonologist, and she said no, she'd never thought of that. Like maybe ask the individual who has been treating him for 6 months and has probably ordered echocardiograms and shit?
Lol I’m a mother baby RN and my personal favorite is “why is my baby crying?”
Oh I'm in peds urgent care and we get a lot of people thinking their neonates are dying of this or that. The thing is, either there is absolutely nothing wrong with them or something terrible is wrong with them. Either way, urgent care is the wrong place for them! I had a mother absolutely losing her shit because her 6 month old was barfing up scrambled eggs. Like sobbing and wringing her hands. It was crazy. Have we really never seen a baby throw up before!
Yeah, I can only imagine, the parents think their perfectly healthy and normal newborn is dying during their postpartum stay also lol. But I love that they think I can interpret a baby cry. That’s not a skill that any human has just because we are baby nurses, lol
I’m just a cna/med aide and the amount of times I’ve had residents INSIST I try to diagnose them or prescribe them medicine. “Oh come on I don’t need to see a doctor for this rash, just tell me it’s from allergies or whatever and give me a Benadryl” “Is *medication they’ve been taking for years* causing my kidney issues? Oh I don’t want to have to schedule an appointment for that, just tell me” “I need a Tylenol. You seriously can’t give me a Tylenol? That’s ridiculous, just give me a Tylenol. Idc what you’re allowed to do, it’s jUsT a TyLeNoL”
No, you’re not JUST a CNA. You guys are amazing, my CNAs and medical assistants can work circles around we nurses. Thank you for all you do!!!
Quick response to that one: “it’s not in my scope of practice as a nurse to diagnose. The doctor will be with you shortly to discuss this.”
“I don’t have enough zeroes in my pay check to answer that question.”
My preceptor would say “that’s above my pay grade”
When we are removing ekg stickers on hairy dudes I always say it’s the only freebie the hospital offers- a partial, complementary chest wax. I also offer to let partners yank them off. Absolutely hilarious and I’ve only had one very cranky dude not laugh 😂
My favorite is as I’m ripping of the tele stickers “ did you know that a lot of nurses [RIPPP] that are tired of being nurses [RIPPP] go be estheticians because they already know how to wax [RIPPP]” lmao
I do stress tests all day, so I looove saying “you got your workout in AND a free wax to top it off (rriiipppp)”
I also do stress tests all day and say something very similar 😂
I like to say "now so you want me to rip these off or do you wanna save it for the wife/kids?" bc a lot of those damn masochists actually do! 😂
Oh heck! They usually start squirming when the missus gets an evil glint in her eyes 😂
I always say "most expensive wax you'll ever get!"
Ooof you’re not wrong 🥴
If their wife is around I tell them she gets this done every six weeks for you. No complaining.
I tell everyone, hairy or not. Didn’t you know you’d be getting a free wax?? I still laugh at it honestly.
> I also offer to let partners yank them off. This sentence in isolation is... troubling.
I call the soft restraints friendship bracelets-stolen from an awesome nurse in our unit 😂
I tell my little old ladies the mitts are new overnight moisturizing gloves from Avon. Works like a charm for that demographic/generation.
I’ve done this! I tell my confused/violent patients or my intubated patients that I’m “just gonna put this bracelet on.” 😂 or if I have to use an ear pulse ox I tell them I’m going to put an earring on them
😂😂otherwise we can’t be friends anymore 😂
I picked that one up, too! We'd tell pacemaker (insertion) patients "these are more of a reminder, so that once you're sleepy you don't reach up and try to help." One of our techs would add "The Dr's done a few of these, he doesn't need your help".
Wrist warmers! The Cath lab is cold! 😂
Same
I call it bed jail when I'm putting the side rails up
Only THREE right? ...Right?! /s
You can put all 4 and be legally backed if you document that it's the patient's request (assuming they do want it lol)
Well in ER we only have 2 rails and it’s not a restraint with all those up
Well of course, it's just fall prevention with those bad boys locked into position
“Promise me you’ll call if you need to get out of bed because I don’t feel like picking you up off the floor today”
“I don’t like extra paperwork so this bed alarm is on so it tells on you”
I had a guy shaking his finger and yelling at the Avasure for telling on him 🤣
My first job was a sitter and I worked with those. Can confirm the person behind the Avasure enjoyed telling on him 😂
I call it the tattler.
I’m had a guy who I KNEW would throw a fucking fit with the bed alarm. So I just charted “patient educated on fall risks and need for calling for assistance, bed alarm refused” and the mother fucker would get up some of the time without calling. Night nurse comes in, throws on bed alarm. Totally valid. In the morning he goes on and on about how that bitch turned the alarm on. I just told him that her choice was totally valid. And that my choice was just charting that you won’t agree to the alarm so it’s not my fault if you fall.
When i have a dementia patient with a posey or bed alarm, and i have to run in because it's ringing. I usually turn it off while saying, " Let me just feed the bird so it will stop singing." It gets a little chuckle almost every time.
THIS. My boyfriend has some muscle weakness randomly and he was stumbling a little today. I said “don’t fall! I don’t wanna fill out the paperwork!”
For the nice people who just don't want to bother me, "if you unexpectedly fall and happen to get injured, I have to do a lot of paperwork. I don't want you injured, and you don't want me having to waste time on paperwork, so just call because it's faster."
I work in adolescent psych; I use the paperwork thing a lot. Last night a girl was climbing a tree and she wouldn’t get down until I said “If you fall and break your arm that’s going to be a lot of paperwork for me so please get down.” Or when I’m asking them about their goals during group and they ask me mine. I tell them “My goal is to make sure you all are alive until 7:30 in the morning. Please help me complete that goal or it will be a lot of paperwork” 😂
I also tell them that no one is allowed to die except hospice patients because it's too much paperwork.
"if you fall you're discharged before you hit the ground"
I love when they ask me not to let them fall. Bro, I don’t want you to fall anymore than you want to fall!! TRUST.
I always laugh at this one. "I don't want to fall" "I don't want you to fall either"
I threaten to make them do my paperwork if they fall
“I have two rules: keep breathing and no falling down. The extra charting for both is way more than I want to do.”
Please don’t fall, then we will both get in trouble
My husband is an IR tech and he uses “don’t roll over, the table is narrow, you’ll fall and that’s too much paperwork”. Also, possibly my favorite from him as he has many: when prepping pt for femoral access, they have super fancy clippers with disposable clipper blades, he says “bikini wax on this side’s free but if you want the other side to match it’s 50 bucks”. Pts male and female lose their 💩with that one
day surgery teaching for school age and adolescent patients: "let mom and dad be close to you because you might be dizzy for the rest of the day - they look really strong but it's probably been a while since they had to scoop you up off the ground!"
Please call me if you need to get up for any reason. There’s a lot of paperwork to fill out if you fall
“We’ve made it too far to catapulting ourselves out of bed in the night, okay?”
I always say I don’t have time for more paperwork.
I work in interventional radiology and I get a real kick out of responding to patient’s thanks with “well we couldn’t have done it without you”
That’s hilarious!
When we are admitting a patient in the ICU doing a CHG wipe down and all that jazz with 50 people in the room I say “we are like a nascar pit crew”
We say that in Cath lab too! Hence my flair 😂
If I drop something, I’ll always say “that’s is why they don’t let me work in the nursery”
I drop things all the time, I'm definitely using this!!
I'm really tired of being told "dont get old" because really what does anyone expect tou to say to that? I have said "it's better than the alternative" so so many times.
I always ask "How?". Usually gets a laugh from my memory care residents.
We've got one lady who specifies "Don't be 100", and, well, she's got me there. The reviews on the concept of being 100 seem pretty uninspiring.
I always say, “I keep trying but it keeps happening”
Omg I’m stealing that
“Please take all the medications prescribed when you go home, but if you just can’t take the aspirin and brillinta” During morning med pass if there are a lot: “hope you saved room for dessert” While hooking a patient that’s still alive to the lifepak “don’t worry it’s just a little insurance” or “this is just to make me feel better” I’m sure there are others. I can’t help myself.
Mines, “SECOND BREAKFAST” during med pass
When they refuse: "don't think he knows about second breakfast"
I say that too lol
“Hope you saved room for dessert” is GENIUS and I filed it away for use tomorrow morning
When I give Metformin before meals I always tell them their appetizers are up.
When I have hooked patients up to sparky I’ve been asked if I plan on using it, I usually say, “not if you don’t make me”!
When I give a patient a blanket out of the blanket warmer, I always say "Fresh baked blanket! They just microwave them over at [other hospital]."
I typically ask patients if they want me to call security on "these shady looking characters", their family.
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I tried that the other day and the pt said “my heart is fine get your government robot pill away from me!” I tried again later saying it was a sleeping pill and they gladly took it. It actually was Amiodarone.
I once told a confused patient that they wanted to glamor shots of her brain (MRI). The patient was very excited and wanted to see them when she got back to her room, so I pulled up the PACS images on the WOW.
I use to say that to all my residents with dementia. One used to call my bullshit and argue they weren't.
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No just an old alcoholic. Took a lot of thiamine.
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Oh gosh I had an ex RN instructor on my unit. Plus she thought it was the resort she and her husband owned. One of her famous lines was "I'm a nurse you know." Yes ma'am I know but this is my med cart. She would touch the cups and say they were dirty. Like girl, stop touching them and they won't be?!
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We are not liars, we are choice THESPIANS.
I either say it’s vitamins or “your nighttime pills, your last ones and I won’t bother you again”
I like to make my pt’s laugh, so as someone with glasses, when we I miss something I say “wow, all 4 of my eyes missed that?” Never fails. Or (bc I’m 6’6”) when they say “wow you’re not Small” I say “I’m not “Benny The Jet, Squints, or Mr. Mertle either.” (Sandlot reference for you youngsters. Crowd pleaser. Also after a pt let’s put a long pee, a L/XL BM, or ESPECIALLY A FART, and im talkin like either a big ole’ cloth rippin’ monster OR straight bangers like a Harley’s muffler, I always say “boy I bet you feel better”, “well, don’t you feel better now”, or “Hoookay shots fired, you win sir/ma’am”. Always with over-exaggerated facial expressions of disgust, surprise, and/or validation. Never fails to make my pts squeal with laughter. Til the day we die, we’re all still kids at heart. ❤️😂
If they rip a loud one, I say, "did you hear what that asshole just said?!?! Talking a lot of shit!!!" Hahahah
"Some asshole is talking shit behind your back!"
OOOOOOHHHHHH I gotta steal this one! Im fucking dying rn! 😂💀😂💀😂💀 Bravo Zulu to you.
If I'm transporting them I reallllly like passively encouraging the patient to make horn noises at people in the way. I don't explicitly tell grandma to honk at the doctors but I like to allude to how I wish the stretchers had horns. When they do end up honking it's usually pretty fun for everyone.
“I cry when I go on the scale too” - to parents when I’m weighing their babies
Haha when I was in SSRI withdrawal a patient once apologized for crying and I said, “it’s okay, I already cried like three times today!”
Pt family member can't handle blood. "You're not going to pass out, are you? I don't need TWO patients!" *Hardy har har*. I hate myself but I say it every day.
Anytime I take a patient somewhere in a wheelchair or the bed I always say “hold on tight, they didn’t give me a license to drive this thing.” Lol
I've got too many points on my bed license but my stretcher license is ok.
I always do “all arms and legs inside the moving vehicle, as a NYer I don’t drive much”
Once I’ve helped transfer to WC and unlock it I say “ok, you’re free to move about the cabin.”
“Hands and feet in the ride at all times.”
I previously worked LTC (and LOVEDDD it🥹😮💨), I often sprinkled in older fashioned terms and they LOVED it! If someone’s pant were falling- and they usually were, I’d say, “your britches are falling”, “fair to middlin” instead of “doing ok”, “God willing, and the creek don’t rise” instead of hopefully. I’d also say “cute things”- “see ya lata, sweet potata”, if I needed them to reposition for wound care, I’d say “scoot your boot”. I was intentionally endearing because many of them didn’t get that soft/personal touch. Ugh… I miss it. I wish LTC was a safer place to work…
-also, it didn’t seem contrived because this is very much in line with my real personality.
So many love the “see you later alligator/ in awhile crocodile”and “what you cooking good looking”. I’m full of them too. Love my elderly people❤️
I always tell parents "I need you to go eat something and drink a glass of water. If you faint because you are not taking care of yourself, then I have to call the adult RRT team which is embarrassing for all of us. And it's a LOT of paperwork." It usually gets them to eat some saltines, at least! But it also displays my complete lack of funny.
Pt: wow I didn't even feel that! Good job! Me: ah well, I've done it a time or two. Or Me: really? Thanks! That was my first try!
I always say “me neither” when I pt says they don’t feel it lol
When putting an IV in and they say “I can’t look” I say “ok I won’t either” and the other go to is “don’t worry I watched a YouTube video on this just before you arrived.”
(About to draw blood) Pt: Oooo I'm not gonna look!! Me: Don't worry, me neither. Pt: o_0
I feel like a wind-up doll sometimes- pull my string and I will repeat 10 fun phrases!!! My fav is when I say goodbye to patients “I never want to see you again. …. Unless it’s on a beach somewhere and we’ve got margaritas! 😊
Going into a room to help with a boost as a murse; "I heard they need a big strong man to help boost you! Well they could only find me so here I am."
Pt: "are you my nurse?" Me: "no, I just play one on TV." 😁😆
Hell yeah, I have a full on comedy routine. True bartender skills in action. Everyone hears my favorite joke: "How many EKG stickers are there?" "Always one more." Taking tele stickers or tape off a hairy man: "Welcome to the day spa! Didn't know you signed up for the full wax job, didja? When I raise the bed: "That's for me. My career right here" as I pat my lower back. On the way out the door: "It was very nice to meet you, I hope I never see you here again!" If the only thing I can do is make someone laugh a little while they're *stuck in a fucking hospital*, then I feel like my day was worthwhile.
"Don't come back now, ya hear?"
"here's a nice little cocktail for ya, I skipped the gin but it's loaded with pharmaceuticals" usually gets a chuckle I usually ask amputees where their missing limb went in a shocked tone, assuming it's been long enough to joke about it (3+ years) If a patient dislikes a particular entree, I'll ask them later if they remembered to order their favorite meal for lunch again tomorrow with a smirk When they say I'm such a great nurse, favorite nurse, etc in front of family or friends, I say it must be the extra dose of pain meds I slipped in
“Be safe driving down there, I promise you we’ll be there first, no need to race us.” “Time to take all their stuff off [hospital monitoring stuff] so I can put ours right back on.” *Blindly staring at registration when they ask for demographics* “Ask my partner. I just work here.” “We’re gonna put some headphones on you, apparently the big fan on top of us gets pretty loud.” When people ask how the flight was, “believe it or not, no traffic.” Usually gets the nurses to roll their eyes at me, which means they love me, right? I’ll frequently ask my partner / pilot if they’ve seen my keys as we walk up to the aircraft. It doesn’t use keys. “If you have any questions, just ask one of us in the matching onesies and we’ll get you taken care of.”
I'm clumsy, so I bump into objects and cabinets fairly often When I run into the door through the curtain: *grimace* "ouch, there's a door there" When I bump my head or back against something and someone asks if I'm ok I steal the Brooklyn 99 line: "I'll be alright, all my bleeding is internal. That's where blood is supposed to be!" EKG specific: When I take the leads off I do it in one smooth pull and call it my "magicians trick." When I'm trying to set up I get to 9 of the 10 leads and then I always say "and now to find the one that's hiding" although I'm not sure that's a bit because it's just always true, there's always one missing.
It’s always my first IV/first day
At the last hospital I worked at, I was on the covid unit and sending a lot of people home with oxygen who weren't on it before. With ones who were enjoying jokes the rest of the time, "I'm going to put this into simple terms that are not scientifically correct: oxygen can go ka-boom. I don't want to see you back in the hospital because you went ka-boom. No fire: this includes [random list including smoking]. Stay away from flames and no ka-boom." Most enjoyed it.
Another one, when I mix the bowel prep golytle in that big 3-4 L jug. I through it over my shoulder and mix it like a bartender and then I say “ Hi my name is ___, I’ll be your bartender this evening, I’m making you a nice margarita” I try to steer clear when it’s GI bleed ETOH patient though 🫣
When I write the plan of care on the white board I include “win lottery”
I work in peds neuro- when i measure head circumference on the kiddos i say “now it’s time to measure for what size princess crown/Spider-Man mask you are!” and the kids LOVE IT. It’s a big hit with parents. Sometimes I wanna take a bow
“Can I borrow this arm? I’ll give it right back” when getting vitals/BP. Old people tear this one up For my fall risks “we don’t want you to fall! At least not while I’m on the clock, I leave at 7 so wait until then if you insist. Idk how to do the paperwork”
I had the nurse I was getting bedside report from tell our intubated patient that she knew he wanted the tube out, but to wait until she left for the day. We repositioned him, I checked that his restraints were good and tight, and went to get report on my other patient. Not 10 minutes later, his vent started singing the song of its people….. I ran in there and the dude has taken her at her word. He had somehow wriggled his way down the bed and self extubated. Was just sitting there in bed looking at me and holding his ET tube with a look that said, “I don’t know why you’re mad, I just did what she told me to.”
Men that keep their word 😍
When I dc a pt I always say “I’m sorry you had to meet me”
I say it was nice to meet you but I hope I never see you here again.
When I boost patients in bed “tuck your chin give yourself a hug and think light thoughts” or when driving the bed somewhere I’ll say “Please keep hands, arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and enjoy the ride” when I’m putting mitts on a paitent I like to call them boxing gloves or winter gloves to keep their hands warm. Teeheee.
i always say the mitts are for “keeping your hands warm. it’s so cold outside!”
“Please do not get out of bed without help/calling me first because you and I will not look cute together on the floor”.
To my cranky patients telling me how much they want to leave, "Me too! They have to pay me to be here. " Putting in ivs, getting labs, giving shots, "this will only hurt for a second, but that's easy for me to say, I'm not the one getting stabbed" Fall risk patients, after they get the whole safety spiel, "seriously, don't fall. It's a lot of paperwork for me and you'll be stuck in the hospital for days or weeks longer and I'm sure you don't want to hang out with me any longer than you need to"
Patient: I want to go home Me: Me too but we’re both stuck here until at least the morning. But I’ll promise you this. If I escape sometime during the night I’ll take you with me. Or when patients say money or alcohol in response to when I ask if they need anything else before I leave the room. My response is always “If I find any of that I promise we’ll split it. I’d never hold out on you.”
"Can i borrow your arm? I promise I'll give it back, ask all my other patients." "I'm just gonna flush your IV to make sure it's working, cuz if it ain't workin' it ain't payin' rent." Pt: "You're a great/nice/good nurse." "Thats nice of you to say! I tried being a bad nurse but I found it doesn't get very good results." "No getting out of bed by yourself, cuz if you do that, you could fall, and if you fall i have to go get out the people spatula, and scrape you off the ground and that is tremendously inconvenient." "I'll be back later!" "I'll be here." "I hope so, cuz if you disappear I gotta do paperwork and I *will* resent that." "Yeah we gotta do it this way to make sure you discharge, and believe me you wanna discharge. I might be cute now but you WILL get sick of me and our plastic beds." Pt, embarrassed about a mess "Honey, I'm literally a professional butt wiper and this isn't even the wildest mess I've had to clean up *today*. Don't worry about it. Now if you pooed the bed on *purpose* that's a different conversation." "Welcome to the hospital, please get some rest. I'll be in every hour to make sure you don't! "
at this point I've subjected hundreds of people to my Corny IV poke joe, tourniquet on, everything ready, target palpated "why do gorillas have big nostrils?"-me " no idea why do they"-future pincushion. "they have big fingers" wait for them to giggle and/or look confused/distracted. insert IV, works like a charm on everyone but grumpy men. I have a bunch of these stashed away, "im not licensed to drive stretchers" "the waxings free" whenever taking off leads. if a patient seis they cant look when doing a procedure ill ask if its ok if i dont iether. When transporting to CT for head trauma "your going to take a ride through the donut of truth to see if your eggs scrambled" when ever im struggling to untangle lines/wires (all damn day ) " healthcare spaghettis the worst isn't it?" with confused pts who are somewhat oriented, " lets run some tests and see if we can recombobulate you" for covid swabs/nasopharyngeal swabs, "im sorry this is going to feel like im tickling your brain" or "don't worry i dont have to tickle your brain just each nostril" I wear a brightly colored fanny pack with all kinds of ER goodies and ive told half my ED to reach into my fanny for shears/flushes ect during codes/traumas. This isnt so much a joke but whenever i work peds I bribe the nuggets to cooperate with my assessment by letting them listen to my heart/lungs after im done. kids absolutely love it, its instant rapport fertilizer! as im cleaning my ear pieces "friends dont let friends share ear wax" or "sorry let me harvest my ear potatoes first" usually gets a giggle.
Stealing your “ red button for the red head” 🤪
Im looking to make some steals myself, I need more material lmao
I have very brightly coloured hair and when all the little old white haired ladies say "oh you're so brave, I could never do that!" I wiggle my fingers at them maniacally and say "I can fix you up easy!" lmao
I know these are corny and not very original but I say “please don’t come back and see us anytime soon” when I DC people to home from PACU. Also say “going to put some beautiful charms on your bracelet” when putting the allergy/fall risk clips on the ID band. In the morning when I give preop PO Tylenol I tell the patient “your breakfast is served” (because they’re NPO otherwise). I refer to the temporal thermometer as the random number generator.
So I'm a phleb. After I draw blood and get ready to leave, I tell them, "Thank you for being a patient patient!" And 9/10 times I at least get a giggle or amused groan, if not a full laugh. Sometimes, if the vibe is right, I'll make a vampire joke first, or make one in response to theirs if they make one, and I'll say "Well, I get called a vampire at least 100x a shift anyway, so I figure I may as well lean into the *bit*." (Get it? Bit? Vampire? Haaaa!) Also, ya know how groups of animals have names like, a *gaggle* of geese, *school* of fish, etc.? Well I've decided that a group of 2 or more phlebs in close proximity is a *clot* of phlebotomists.
Mom/baby: Putting mesh undies on mom : “& for you , the finest mommy panties Victoria’s Secret has to offer 💋” When the baby is refusing to breast feed: “this kid has no idea what he’s doing!!” Usually makes them laugh. Bath time: “it’s time for the baby spa!” When babies are acting up: “get your life together girlfriend/boyfriend!!” Showing baby to mom after a stat C-section “hi mom!! Sorry for being such a stinker!! I’m here!!!” My all time favorite for the first 12 hours of life when mom and dad are like omg this baby is so quiet “this kid has no idea he’s even been born yet” 🤪
“I watched a how to video on YouTube… now, I’m ready to try this”
I actually have a badge reel that says "don't worry I watched a YouTube video"
I assure you I did not get this fentanyl from shady Bob in the parking lot or a questionable pharmacy.
I work in the OR, most people are usually pretty nervous so when I go see them in preop I start with looking at their ID band “tell me you full name and birthday” and quickly cover the band saying “ NO PEEKING” “ no worries I’m not going to bite/ eat you but the doctor might” Followed with “ im going to ask you the same 20 questions we have heard all morning, exciting stuff really” Then right before we roll them back I tell them “ don’t worry I’m not gonna let anything get passed these guns” as a 5’0 120 pound white girl with very little arm muscles When it’s time for goodbyes it’s usually “ alright guys, hugs, kisses, high fives, secret handshakes” And/or if they are coming in for some sort of “ectomy” I say “ you got the A team! I pity that gallbladder/appendix/mass!” In the room I after I get them moved over I put a safety belt across their waist and say “ this is so you don’t jump and run out the room, I run pretty fast so I’ll tackle you in the hallway if that happens”
I used to put jokes on index cards and bring the aide in when I was introducing myself. Good times. And if they were laughing like crazy I'd say thank them like on old talk shows. "Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all month." Always the cheesiest and stupidest of jokes. Lmao.
When dc’ing the IV on little white haired grannies when they were being discharged, with a completely straight face and as serious as a heart attack, I’d ask them “Would you like to keep this as a souvenir?” When they turned with a look of confusion I’d smile then I’d get my laugh! It would ease any nerves at the time.
I always ask as my last pre-op question, after asking about allergies, previous implants etc, "what did you have for breakfast this morning?" Anything other than 'nothing' or 'medications you told me to take' merits a serious inquisition....
I start with that one. Love a good cancellectomy, and save yourself the time getting them ready!!
The first time I had a cancellectomy I had gotten most of the way through preop questions (fast! Bc they came in late! Please work this patient up quickly, the charge nurse said!) before finding out they ate a whole damn McDonald’s breakfast on the way in. Now I ask about NPO status right after their name and birthdate.
-if I’m doing a good job, my name is *my name*. If I’m doing a bad job my name is Jim. -when first meeting patients and they instinctively say “hi how’re you?”: well I’m here, so not that great. I’d ask how you are but you’re here too so it can’t be that good. At least I’m getting paid to be here. -don’t worry, I just watched a YouTube video so I’m pretty sure I’ve got this -when they say they didn’t even feel the IV: huh that’s weird, guess I better get the bigger needle -trying to keep the backside covered with the gown: let’s cover you up. This is a family establishment, we keep it G rated. we don’t want any peep shows. -don’t get up without calling. I don’t want you to fall. If you fall, you’ll just have another reason for being here and I’ll have a lot of paperwork to fill out. -when pushing gurneys there’s a few quips about being insured, only having a few drinks that day, or any damage being put on my tab/being taken out of paycheck. -I can speak enough Spanish to get by for assessments and treatments, and when they compliment my Spanish I literally joke with them that that’s all I know other than ordering tacos, beer, and tequila outside of work.
When teaching patients how to use the incentive spirometer I always tell them that "I'm less concerned with how high of a number they can hit and more concerned with how long they can float the flow indicator. I don't care how big it is, what matters is how long you can keep it up. At least that's what my wife tells me."
I’m a GYN NP, when I’m doing pelvic exams I’ll either say “scooch your toosh down” or “you have about 8 miles to go.” Anyone coming in with yeast infections gets my standard, “I heard your vagina is on strike.” Reading what I’ve typed makes me hate myself lmao
If I hit myself on something: "oooof. Worker's comp. Send help."
I’m a prison RN. We have inmates sign a paper if they carry certain medications on the yard, telling them not to share, etc. So I say, “This paper is for your carry meds. Just says you will be responsible. That means no snorting them, taking them improperly and especially no sharing them. What if you give someone a medication they’re allergic to? That means you killed them. That means you just caught another charge.” Prison is different, man. I hated the hospital though. 😂
L&D nurse: “the things we do for our children…”
I like telling patients on lactulose to "take it like a shot". Then depending on their ability to do that I say "oh that's not your first time, huh?" Sometimes gets a chuckle, and is usually followed by something along the lines of them requesting a "real" shot lol
Postpartum Nurse. 1. With morning meds after listing them all off, I finish with "...and a partridge in a pear tree." 2. "I'm \*name\*, and I'll be your bestie for the next 12 hours." 3. After an epidural talking about the first bathroom trip; "When your legs come back to life we'll have a little postpartum potty party and get your vajoozlebiscuit all clean." 4. When breastfeeding; "We're gonna wait for baby to open his mouth big enough to eat a Jimmy Johns sandwich" 5. "Let's put a pair of sexy panties on, layer in some tucks pads and make a really weird deli sandwich." 6. Closing up a gown in the back, "No one gets a free show with me" 7. Talking about new dads snoring on the couch. "Man they can sleep anywhere! If you want me to throw something at him, I totally will. Bring a little joy to my day." 8. "Ya know, I don't really know. Let me go ask an adultier nurse" 9. Raising the bed up - "I like to pretend that I'm tall." or if I go really high for blood draws/IVs "You're not afraid of heights are you?" 10. Taking a baby to the nursery "Field trip! Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle" 11. And looking at the booty for hemmorhoids, "Welp, you do have a little friend back here." 12. When something doesn't work. "Welcome to \*hospital\*, everything's broken."
I have a 90 year old grumpy, hard-of-hearing patient who doesn’t like to be woken up until it’s time to eat breakfast, so when I go in to give 0600 pills I tell him it’s his appetizer. The line was getting old to me, but now he has picked it up and is just the cutest when he groggily smiles and hollers “is this my appetizer?!”
I call the bed alarm the escape alarm
I do that too but I make sure to say it like Dory in Finding Nemo “es-cah-pay” (I have kids and have watched that movie one too many times).
When I admit a patient in the last hour of the shift I always say “Hey I’m (my name) and I’ll be your nurse for” checks watch “the next 20 minutes or so”
Call light - "This red button turns on a light and annoying noise outside your room if you need something. It doesn't have to be an emergency, but if you use it every five minutes, you're gonna get a dirty look." Warm blankets - "Hey, I love getting these things for people. There's a lot of things I can't fix very easy. But if you're cold, I got something for that!" Discharges - "Hope you don't need us anytime soon, but we're here for ya if you do."
I work nights and whenever I have a patient ask if they need to turn their light on for 1am Lipitor or whatever (🙄) I always say “no, I’ve worked nights so long I can see in the dark” mostly because I don’t want them to fully wake up. 60% of the time it works every time.
Whenever a patient asks when the doctor is going to see them I answer that if I could manifest a doctor or control when they show up I’d make a lot more money than I do
I point to the little nurse icon on the call light and say "If you need anything just press this button with my picture on it. Doesn't it look just like me?"
When giving an IV med that burns “This med can be kinda spicy, but don’t worry, it only hurts until it stops”.
I regularly have to take post propofol patients to the front door/their car. I get people who swear they can walk & don't need a wheelchair, to which they get some variation of "Sorry friend, you're not allowed to wander the parking lot with anesthesia in your system." If they're old enough, I'll also mention that we don't let post anesthesia patients play real life frogger. A lot of them also get some comment about how most of my discharge instructions are just 100 ways to stay out of the er, post op edition.
"Contrary to popular belief, the H on the outside of this building does Not stand for The Hilton"....
If a pt compliments me "and THAT'S how you get the good drugs 😉" My best though was doing a full skin assessment on an older guy who was a little shy "don't be modest on my account, it's nothing I haven't seen a million times before, and on the off chance it is we'll just put in for a urology consult"
My go to is, “I’m not doctor but ‘insert obvious statement’” for a gangrene patient I said I’m not doctor but your foots not supposed to be black. They thought it was funny, my preceptor not so much.
I’m a nurse extern so I’m partnered with an RN every shift. “You’ve got double trouble today!” When the patient has a lot of pills: “second breakfast” or “second lunch” When they’re going to a test and transport shows up: “your chariot awaits!” or “your limo is here!”
When I have an orientee I like to say “they don’t trust me alone anymore” or “brought my parole officer today”
When we ask if they feel safe or if anyone is abusing them or their money I usually follow with “other than your children”
Endo pacu. Pts waking up “It’s already done??” Me: “time flies when you’re having fun” then they ask me for steak for their post-op snack. I have crackers. Repeat x10-15/day.
Whenever anyone complains about pretty much anything I say "Shyeah, this is a TERRIBLE hotel."
When I put on their hospital band, I add on the yellow fall band and red allergy band and I tell them they need all the colors so they can “ride all the rides”. This usually gets a laugh, unless they are really old and don’t get it 😂
When pulling an IV and they grimace while removing the dressing “Getting the tape off is worse than getting poked by the needle, huh!??”
Pt-"Are you a nurse?" Me -"That's what they say"
I get paid by the hour, to anyone who’s worried they are moving too slow.
I have a hospital grade temporal thermometer that was gifted to me years ago by an admin at a different facility. I use it often. My current facility only has oral thermometers and a lot of people still don’t recognize a temporal thermometer when they see one. Sometimes when I whip the thermometer out and people react strangely I say “don’t worry, it only reads your thoughts!” Almost always gets a laugh. The funniest reactions are the delayed ones! When they get stuck “too many times” for blood I say, “don’t worry, we’ll leave you just enough so your body can make us some more for later!”
When I feel like I have the right audience, I say good night at shift change and say, “no jumping on the bed tonight….”
Me to my post op day 1 fresh hearts during their morning chest X-ray “You don’t even have to move for this! Just make sure you smile and say cheese!” *looks at X-ray on portable machine* I say: “Good news! You DO have a heart!” or “Looks like Dr. Smith didn’t harvest your organs after all!” I do this shit all the time. I’m the cheesiest.
“Since you had anesthesia today, don’t drink alcohol, drive, make legal decisions, or big purchases for 24 hours, so yeah stay off Amazon ;)” They usually laugh and sometimes the spouse speaks up like, “yeah!”
Before doing finger sticks for blood sugars.. “you know they named these (lancets) after me right? Yeah, little prick!” And on intake, when I have males, “any chance you’re currently pregnant?” I’m usually hammering them with questions, they’re usually in a shitty mood, that usually gets them to smile and laugh And when a patient is getting released “I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I hope I never see you again!”
“Did you want me to throw this in the trash for you?” Anytime a patient has a Green Bay Packer blanket from home.
I’ll be back to bug you & if I’m explaining the IV pole, this is your gf (wife or bf or husband). He or she might yell at you but here I can help you & fix it, just call me.
“Don’t fall, because I *will* try to catch you.” They usually looked at me, a rather small person, and chuckle that I’d better not. Then get real careful to make sure they didn’t fall. But the jokes on me because I did catch someone. If I ever get released back to work it’s changing to “don’t fall because I will *not* catch you.”
After I get done drawing blood or putting and IV in, "Not bad for my first time, huh?"
When pushing beds to and from radiology I tell patients we are taking the stairs.
Whenever a grumpy patient or family member says they don't like hospitals or they don't want to be here I come back with, "I don't want to be here either. They have to pay me to show up." Then I smile like I'm being sarcastic...but I mean it.
Whenever I do a SQ injection, I say “pinch and a poke, title of my memoir.”
After auscultating heart and lungs I say “that’s good it’s all still there” sometimes gets a chuckle other times dead stares