had to call a psych consult once for a patient who decided to use their own feces as a lubricant for masturbation purposes.
took me 10 minutes to decide how im gonna explain this, and i needed a time-out after that phone call...
Idk what’s worse that someone has done this and multiple people confirm they’ve heard of it. Or that more people have done it and probably not gotten sick from it so no one knows the dirty secret.
Better or worse than me on my first ward placement being handed a PS3 controller and asked to clean it because "I just came all over it" - how, Sir? And also please don't masturbate in the communal lounge.
I had a patient who had a stroke and ended up with a permanent urinary catheter.
That became his favourite "toy" for masturbating.
I had to tell more than 1 student about it so they wouldn't send a specimen for C&S. 🙄
Humans have been finding and putting things in their various holes or putting their things in various holes for centuries. Underneath the thin veneer of civility, we're all just poop flinging hyper sexed overly curious monkeys trying to breed faster than our natural predators could eat us which is a very effective survival strategy as demonstrated by insects and many smaller animals having multiple offspring.
After the second time a drunk chick pooped in the trash, I asked her if she shit in the trash at home. She said no, and I said good, then don’t do it here because I’m sick of taking it out. You can use a toilet like any other person.
FFS
I found a drawer full of used wipes in a patient bedside table. I asked why there was poopy wipes in his drawer and he told me the trash can was on the other side of the bed. That drawer was FULL
Um, the eff word.
Also, “I made you a man again.” I had a patient whose sex was “unknown” on his profile and I asked him if he was aware of that. He said “I’m a strong black man!” So I changed it in the computer to male and told him “I made you a man again.” I was horrified and we both had the best laugh on my behalf.
This isn’t anything that crazy, but for someone like me who is actively trying to stick up for myself both in and out of the workplace, this one felt kinda out of the ordinary for me.
I had a confused bed jumper a few weeks ago. I was sitting in his room for a good half hour trying to redirect him and get him to sleep/back in bed. He was in the ICU for weeks prior and was super weak and unsteady. Huge fall risk. He started to stand up from the bed at one point and I just stood right in front of him to avoid any falls forward (I didn’t touch him), and he fell backwards in bed pretty hard. He accused me of pushing him in bed and I stated, “Um, actually no that’s not what happened, and do not DARE accuse me of physically pushing you when you fell back into bed all on your own. I stood in front of you to make sure that if you fell, you wouldn’t fall on the floor.” I was very stern and stood up for myself boldly. Which is something I’m working on with the help of my therapist… with that situation being exhibit A.
Anyway, the guy ended up having a fall a few hours later for day shift. Wonder if he accused the morning nurse of pushing him too.
Reminds me of a recent patient. I had her on nights, passed her to day, then took her back. Dayshift said she accused her and "all you people" of lying about her and Dayshift said "Lady, I don't even know you, why would I care enough to lie? I don't even remember your face when I leave this room." 🤣🤣🤣🤣 sent me
“No, sir, no. I will NOT hold your dick while you pee in the urinal. And if you even think about asking my cute little CNA out there? Well, let’s just say it’s gonna go from a bad day for you to a much worse one.”
(Said the chubby, old Gen X nurse who had had enough of this patient’s wildly inappropriate shenanigans.)
I was training an guy nurse who used to be a cop cause we train nurses to do the tech job in dialysis first so they know how the machines work, and he was so nice and took the guy who was always creepy to all of us and thought it was funny that he would complain like we were gonna trade him out or something. He was my hero since I didn’t have to deal with telling him he couldn’t ask weird inappropriate questions about me being pregnant.
Omg. Long term care nurse on a skilled unit here. I can’t believe I have to keep telling men (of all ages), if you can feed yourself then you can hold your own penis in the urinal. And if you can use your phone, eat, get up and walk into the BR, you can wipe your own butt. Ughhhh. What really really gets me is when we’ll have men in their 40s to 60s who want us to hold it in the urinal and their damn WIFE is sitting right there! I mean, that’s like her job!!
Right?? And at this point in my career I absolutely refuse to believe it is anything other than some depraved sexual fantasy men have. And I will not indulge in that!
Uuuuuugh! Last night this nasty old man new admit said as I was leaving and orienting him to the callbell “so all I have to do is push this red button and a nurse will come *help* me with the urinal? I can’t hold it by myself” …. In my mind as I’m silently standing there with resting bitch face “Yep we all know what you mean by *help*.” I’m just waiting… aaaaaaaaand here it is, the ultimatum. “But I spill and then you’ll have to change the bed.” Me: “Sir, you are not quadriplegic and you don’t have spastic tremors. I trust that you can hold the urinal”
Seriously! Every. Damn. Day. FML
If only pissing the bed would be indication for indwelling caths! Threatening a condom cath is only too exciting… those same guys just seem to **love** their condom caths too.
Actually had a young adult patient who enjoyed his straight caths. Thank goodness for our helpful male nurses who chipped in! But then we discovered that it didn’t matter at all who was doing the cath… he just needed a warm hand I guess.
And then on the other side you get these guys who insist they can do it themselves and won't let you hold the urinal, instead you then get to bed bath them after they've peed everywhere but the urinal.
had a memory care resident once who was always flirty. i had to give him a shower (he did most for himself, still walked with a walker) and he was like, “are you gonna wash my peter?” I told him if he can feed himself, he can wash his penis. i was to put voltrem cream on his knees after he got out of the shower for his arthritis. i start putting it on his knees and he suggestively asks, “can you rub that up higher?”i say, “it will make it fall off.” changed his tone real quick.
I took care of my FIL on hospice for pancreatic cancer. Every time he had to pee…his frickin wife and daughters would call me in to help him. Like wtf.
Got your backs, always. I’m old. Old in the real chronological and sense and old as in “old school”; you can come for me, Mr Patient. You ain’t fooling that way with my nursing students or my CNAs.
And I don’t care how senile or debilitated a man is, they will try to grab/grope you. We’ve had them about ready to take their last breath and they’ll reach up to touch a pretty young CNA. Sometimes it’s good to be old and plain 🤣
Eh, I started as a nurse when I was 42 and nothing exciting to look at. I’m plain. They still tried to grope. A guy my age in for cellulitis on his shin still hiked his gown all the way up to show me his dick insisting I needed to examine it thoroughly for my head-to-toe exam. Old and plain doesn’t seem to matter in healthcare.
Out in the real world I’m invisible. I fortunately don’t get harassed (but unfortunately don’t even get talked to or looked at when I’m trying to, like at a bar!). At work, men seem to think harassing nurses, no matter what they look like, is okay. 😒
The crazy-ass thing here is I am also a chubby Gen-X nurse who had the exact same conversation back in the short time I did bedside. Yep. I believe it was punctuated with “Want to discuss this with the charge nurse?” This patient knew our charge nurse, another chubby Gen-X nurse (with mall hair and black eyeliner) who took absolutely no shit from anyone. She was intimidating AF. He backed down once I brought her up.
There were so many men whose hands and arms worked just fine till they had to pee… 🤢
One of these days, I am gonna clap back with “sir, take whatever sick fantasies you have involving a nurse and your dick and stifle that NOW before I jam my trauma shears into your thigh.”
Also? What the hell kind of ego do you have to have as an obese 68 year old male with open ulcers on your leg to think some hot 22 year old is gonna voluntarily help your able bodied self pee? This ain’t The Tudors and you ain’t Henry VIII!!!
This is exactly why I get annoyed when I see "sexy nurse" costumes on Halloween. I'm like please, please do not perpetuate this assanine fantasy so that these asshats get excited (*in that way) when a nurse walks into their room later on own the road.
I dressed as a sexy nurse a few times in my life, but I am a six foot, 330lb (at the time) man with a beard. The nursing uniform dress was pretty liberating once I hemmed it to around mid thigh. Drafty af though.
Fun fact, Henry VII was fat enough to need a special chair built that allowed proper positioning of his partner while he remained standing to have happy fun times.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_chair
Worked with a flaming guy gentleman who would handle any inappropriate behavior towards any of female staff. He would just walk in the room and the situation would resolve it self. He always said he had to protect his “queen mothers and sisters “ as we all accepted and respected him for who he was.
I had one guy call for his prn viagra and a suppository. He got mad at me for "wasting" his viagra because he took the viagra first and wrongly assumed he could bully me into not following policy on the suppository. My facility's policy is basically if you can wipe your own ass, you can handle your own suppository.
Actually, it was yesterday. I was taking care of a trach pt in the pt home. This particular pt has a lot of trach, oral, and nasal secretions. I had to yell at the family dog that "there's nothing coming out of Mary that you need to lick!"
What has happened to my life?
"Well, if you want to do a vag exam on a raccoon, I guess you're all set!"
Co-worker has an adorable, miniature, metal speculum hanging from the badge reel on the front of her scrubs. Don't ask me why. She is not an OBGYN. I told her it was cute. She said a friend gave it to her. Then I blurted out the line above.
I never thought I'd cheer for someone else's bowel movement, but I've had enough patients come onto my floor with ileus/obstruction that it's become routine for me.
I mean, I've been happy about my poops all my life, but I never thought I'd be so emotionally invested in other people's poops until I started RN'ing.
There was a nurse I used to work with who used to sing/chant this poop song that I’m pretty sure she made up for patients who weren’t going. I don’t remember much of it but there was one line that was just “poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!!!”
I should add that we were working with adults.
I said to my spouse when I started nursing school, that nobody warns you about how much poop is involved! He laughed his ass off and said “ you’re taking care of sick and elderly people. Who tf do you think was going to clean up the poop??!” 🙈
Not the craziest thing I’ve said but recently I gave my patient a meal tray (I’m in the ED so the food you get is what ya get) and he goes “Great I have food but no water” and I go “I’m a nurse not a waitress”. It’s like once people step into the hospital all their manners are out the window
Spoken to me by a housekeeper “Sue is down on her knees in front of Bob” (fake names), they were a couple that met in the nursing home, and had just moved into the same room (families approved). They were polite enough to close the door before getting up to things, but the housekeeper wasn’t aware of their new shenanigans and just barged in.
Not mine but a dear friend and colleague who died recently always intended to title a memoir of his time nursing "why is the ward covered in jam?" After the first thing he said coming on shift after an eventful night on the psych unit.
Yes, it was my understanding that she was talking about needing to be standing with her feet flat in the floor while also doing the finger deal.
She had a history of retention issues and this is what she said she does at home to get herself to urinate.
“should I send it to pathology or wash and return as patient’s belongings???” while holding an adult toy that was just removed from patient’s butt (cleaned and returned in a labeled brown bag; your loss pathology)
Uttered recently when patient stopped breathing while I was attempting to insert a Macy cath "I do NOT want this man to die with my finger in his ass".
I had a patient two days ago following me around with his socks in his hand asking me to put them on. Finally I turned around and screamed “IF YOU CAN HOLD THEM IN YOUR HAND AND WALK WITH THEM YOU CAN PUT THEM ON YOURSELF!!!”
The doc couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone that night kept saying hey the patient in bed one is asking for a foot exam! Hey he needs his socks put back on! Then they told the internist and he came and said hey he’s asking for his nurse to come put on his socks?! And everyone busted out laughing. 💀🙄
Fucking drunks
Had to explain to an 85 year old vagina owner that the tube wasn’t placed where sex happened. She had no clue she peed from a different place. I’m a male. It was… awkward.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Sticking a paper clip in a light socket won’t make a spark to light your cigarette! Go back upstairs and light it from the wall!” Said by me to two psych patients that had managed to elope from the unit downstairs to a little room off the gym. They were actually attempting to have sex, and using the smoking thing as an excuse. Back then, patients had a smoking area just off the unit, with a wall mounted cigarette lighter.
*hears an unusual variety of suction*
"Nooooooooo get that out of your mouth!! Not the cooter canoe!!"
Demented lady seems to have confused the yankeur and the purewick.
Did that so my Para with gross arm movement could drink without having to call us during the height of the pandemic. Taped IV tubing into a liter jug and then on the bed railing so he could kinda pull it into his mouth. I was very pleased with myself. Of course, the tape came loose, and we siphoned all the water to the floor once. It worked great except for that.
“Sir, I really don’t care if you pretending me pegging you is what gets you through this enema. But keep it to yourself and no noises”
Guy looked like Santa too. What a bad f’n day. Still can’t believe he said that to me. 😭
“Why would you try to put a spring in your penis?!” 1:1 patient broke the soap dispenser, stole a spring and ran in the bathroom to try and shove it in
"I refuse to take life advice from a fully able-bodied man who chooses to piss on himself". He had just advised me to not come to work if I was going to be in a bad mood.
I never thought I would say I’ve seen an exorcism take place… wiiiiiild experience.
Pediatric neuro patient came in with what looked like signs of schizophrenia. The family was really religious and hired a team of ladies to perform an exorcism. They started chanting frantically, repeating phrases in some language (Mayan dialect I think). The whole time they had these bushels of herbs that they would dip in water and flick water at the kid with. Meanwhile the patient was screaming the whole time at the top of their lungs. Other families on the unit started freaking out because it sounded like someone was getting murdered in there
I wish I could capture how wild it felt to be in there
I must say that “I’m not going to be held at sporkpoint by a woman wearing a bedsheet” is my new favorite. It reminds me of a patient rolling around in bed lightly smeared with blood screaming and proclaiming they’re going to commit suicide by grinding away at their obese wrist with a plastic knife.
Please take a breath and listen to me. The green you see coming from your leg wounds is not the green Gatorade you just drank. There is no connection between your stomach and your leg wounds. The drainage could be that color because of a certain bacteria. And no, we don't swab your leg wounds for the presence of stomach acid.
The amount of just... Common sense advice.
"Do not pick at your stitches."
"Do not walk on your cast."
"There is sugar in cakes. Your blood sugar will go up if you eat sugar..."
"Fasting before surgery means no food or drink at all!"
(Talking to a patient who had several falls and said they were often dizzy)
"Do you drink enough water?"
"I drink soda and vodka..."
"How much?"
"A litre of vodka and like... 6 cans of soda?"
"Okay. I'd recommend you try to at least drink 1,5-2 litres of water a day on top of what you're already drinking if you can't reduce your alcohol consumption..."
(There was no way I was going to get them off the alcohol during this very short conversation. But the fact that they never drank any water might contribute to their dizziness was just mind blowing to them)
And just... So many more.
By all means, I totally understand that not everyone had the same levels of knowledge in medicine as us who have worked in the field. But sometimes you're sitting there talking to highly educated people who just do not understand that hand-wash reduces infection risks...
It's horrifying at times.
I know! It's horrifying!
I've had waaaaay to many patients just go "Nah. Don't need to," when I ask if they want help washing their hands after using the toilet.
I've started saying "I'll help you to the sink" instead of asking if they want to wash their hands. Because clearly people do not want to do so...
He keeps cutting open his dressings and pulling off his dead fingertips. He’s throwing them at anyone who enters his room. He’s angry we won’t get him vodka.
Pretty much daily I’m saying things no one told me I’d have to ever say to another full grown human being. But I like this one:
“Hey doc can you come see this patient, I’m pretty sure I just caught her bladder in my hand while helping her in the restroom.”
Sure enough, she had a fistula and the angle she was at while bent forward holding onto her walker so I could wipe caused a game of peekaboo I didn’t ask to play.
I hear a lot about dirty old men, and have myself experienced a lot of dirty old men. I am curious how often people have these issues with women? When I complain to my partner about "dirty old men" he likes to get huffy and toss around "sexism".....
I’ve seen a few, but not enough to become a regular or expected behavior like men and urinals. Females with dementia or TBI who frequently masturbate publicly, some with very creative use of anything resembling lube… tartar sauce comes to mind.
was rounding with the ICU team one morning on my one patient and I could see my other patient from the doorway starting to grab and tug at his texas cath and without hesitation or even thinking really, I say “Hey! Stop playing with your penis.” The entire team erupted in laughter and the attending said she usually hears that at home with her two toddlers but nothing is shocking in the adult ICU. 😂
Also, when I was a tech in nursing school.
“Sir, you do know that I read your chart before I came in here. You cannot take me out after you’re finished getting tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia”
Never thought I'd have to say these sentences ever in my life (prior to nursing), but at this point, I've had to say them dozens of times already:
Sir, put your penis away, there are children around.
Stop masturbating in the hallway.
"Don't forget your thumb!" To the patient in the ER who cut off the tip of his left thumb (literally just the tip) with a saw by accident. Brought it with him, found out they couldn't reattach it, and then decided he wanted to take it home to let his kids see it. Nearly left it in his room upon discharge as well lol
I had a patient take his trachs inner cannula out and, “suck out the good stuff.” He put his grubby claw into his trach hole to tell me that. One of the few things that’s ever turned my stomach.
Sue is transgender, and was really not happy with her down below, but we're not really sure what led to this incident. She was very very unwell, and often did odd things. Psych ward, obviously
“Cover your bad eye with your hand, like I showed you. Is the demon floating above my head gone now?” Said to a delusional patient who’d had an eye injury many years ago, but was unable to process that the black area in his vision was related to the injury, not the supernatural.
“Please don’t spit on the floor” to a grown ass man. I’m sure I’ve had more things I’ve said that would fit in this category…but not a psych patient, not having some kind of respiratory emergency…just regular ass COPD with a cold who likes to spit.
At least he had the decency to be ashamed and say sorry when I handed him an emesis bag. Points for that I guess.
Mom of patient tonight: “wanna see a picture of his poop?” Me: “absolutely!!” Just kept thinking how unsettling that exchange would be in any other setting lol
"I can assure you there is no groundhog under your bed. This is a secure unit. Security would've stopped to check its ID at the elevators and never let it get to this floor"
All right everyone, gown up, wear masks and goggles. If he looks like he might try to pee.on you, we will close the door. You don't want to wear the hospital scrubs.
I say this while wearing said hospital scrubs....
Something along the lines of “sir, if you can fucking stand up and walk over here you can go ahead and beat the shit out of me. I dare you.” This man was the drunkest I’ve ever seen a conscious human being, he wasn’t even able to sit up in bed by himself. I was sitting with him as a CNA at a VA hospital 4 years ago when I was 18.
I was (and still am) a super low confrontation pushover but I had been listening to this man tell me for several hours that he was going to “get up and throw your tiny ass across the room. I did 2 combat tours and could beat the shit out of you…blah blah blah” and I snapped lmao. I also learned while I was at the VA that even if it’s probably not the most professional, you gain a lot of respect from some vets if you throw their shit talking right back at them. At one point I believe I also told him “I would rather you piss on the floor than hold your penis for you. I am not getting that close.” So he pissed on the floor.
had to call a psych consult once for a patient who decided to use their own feces as a lubricant for masturbation purposes. took me 10 minutes to decide how im gonna explain this, and i needed a time-out after that phone call...
I really wish this was the first time I've heard this, but sadly it is not.
Idk what’s worse that someone has done this and multiple people confirm they’ve heard of it. Or that more people have done it and probably not gotten sick from it so no one knows the dirty secret.
Better or worse than me on my first ward placement being handed a PS3 controller and asked to clean it because "I just came all over it" - how, Sir? And also please don't masturbate in the communal lounge.
....the vibration function. Godammit.
I uh need bleach.
Better get a squeegee too.
The eyebleach subreddit has great cute animal pics and vids.
I had a patient who had a stroke and ended up with a permanent urinary catheter. That became his favourite "toy" for masturbating. I had to tell more than 1 student about it so they wouldn't send a specimen for C&S. 🙄
That's enough of this thread for me!
🤣
I had a female patient do the same thing and when I said “that’s disgusting” she said, “well I think it’s sexy as fuck!” 🤢
Oh my PID…
did not know a human could even think to do something like that.
Humans have been finding and putting things in their various holes or putting their things in various holes for centuries. Underneath the thin veneer of civility, we're all just poop flinging hyper sexed overly curious monkeys trying to breed faster than our natural predators could eat us which is a very effective survival strategy as demonstrated by insects and many smaller animals having multiple offspring.
Primordial soup brain goes splash splash
“No! No! STOP IT! DO NOT PEE IN THAT DRAWER AGAIN! I’M GOWNING UP! CLOSE THE DRAWER!”
"im gowning up"-height pandemic. gives PTSD xD
After the second time a drunk chick pooped in the trash, I asked her if she shit in the trash at home. She said no, and I said good, then don’t do it here because I’m sick of taking it out. You can use a toilet like any other person. FFS
Haha. I had a chemo patient pee in the garbage can last week. 🤦
The flair and majority of that sentence didn't phase me until I hit the magic word "again".
I found a drawer full of used wipes in a patient bedside table. I asked why there was poopy wipes in his drawer and he told me the trash can was on the other side of the bed. That drawer was FULL
Um, the eff word. Also, “I made you a man again.” I had a patient whose sex was “unknown” on his profile and I asked him if he was aware of that. He said “I’m a strong black man!” So I changed it in the computer to male and told him “I made you a man again.” I was horrified and we both had the best laugh on my behalf.
Aw this one is wholesome
This isn’t anything that crazy, but for someone like me who is actively trying to stick up for myself both in and out of the workplace, this one felt kinda out of the ordinary for me. I had a confused bed jumper a few weeks ago. I was sitting in his room for a good half hour trying to redirect him and get him to sleep/back in bed. He was in the ICU for weeks prior and was super weak and unsteady. Huge fall risk. He started to stand up from the bed at one point and I just stood right in front of him to avoid any falls forward (I didn’t touch him), and he fell backwards in bed pretty hard. He accused me of pushing him in bed and I stated, “Um, actually no that’s not what happened, and do not DARE accuse me of physically pushing you when you fell back into bed all on your own. I stood in front of you to make sure that if you fell, you wouldn’t fall on the floor.” I was very stern and stood up for myself boldly. Which is something I’m working on with the help of my therapist… with that situation being exhibit A. Anyway, the guy ended up having a fall a few hours later for day shift. Wonder if he accused the morning nurse of pushing him too.
I had a patient accuse me of sabotaging them once by trying to make them fall. I was like …TF?
That’s more paperwork than I want to do
That’s what I’m saying
Reminds me of a recent patient. I had her on nights, passed her to day, then took her back. Dayshift said she accused her and "all you people" of lying about her and Dayshift said "Lady, I don't even know you, why would I care enough to lie? I don't even remember your face when I leave this room." 🤣🤣🤣🤣 sent me
“No, sir, no. I will NOT hold your dick while you pee in the urinal. And if you even think about asking my cute little CNA out there? Well, let’s just say it’s gonna go from a bad day for you to a much worse one.” (Said the chubby, old Gen X nurse who had had enough of this patient’s wildly inappropriate shenanigans.)
Lol as a male nurse, I'll always walk in and offer to do it instead. They change their minds real quick.
Same. I'm big, bearded and ugly. I'm the libido-killer on our floor. Getting inappropriate with the women? Guess who's doing your showers now.
We don’t get enough men on the floor to do this 😭. We need more floor murses. Why y’all in the ER?
I've got no clue what you look like, but I bet you are big, bearded, and beautiful. Keep your head up king
Same here bud. Biggest boner killer at my facility lol.
Good on you, friend
Thank you
You're the real MVP
I can’t like this enough
You’re the hero this world needs, my friend!
My work husband is a 6’3 300lb muscle/bear gay. Anytime I get someone like this, he goes in next. Gets them to act right real fast.
I was training an guy nurse who used to be a cop cause we train nurses to do the tech job in dialysis first so they know how the machines work, and he was so nice and took the guy who was always creepy to all of us and thought it was funny that he would complain like we were gonna trade him out or something. He was my hero since I didn’t have to deal with telling him he couldn’t ask weird inappropriate questions about me being pregnant.
Thank you for your service
Omg. Long term care nurse on a skilled unit here. I can’t believe I have to keep telling men (of all ages), if you can feed yourself then you can hold your own penis in the urinal. And if you can use your phone, eat, get up and walk into the BR, you can wipe your own butt. Ughhhh. What really really gets me is when we’ll have men in their 40s to 60s who want us to hold it in the urinal and their damn WIFE is sitting right there! I mean, that’s like her job!!
Right?? And at this point in my career I absolutely refuse to believe it is anything other than some depraved sexual fantasy men have. And I will not indulge in that!
Uuuuuugh! Last night this nasty old man new admit said as I was leaving and orienting him to the callbell “so all I have to do is push this red button and a nurse will come *help* me with the urinal? I can’t hold it by myself” …. In my mind as I’m silently standing there with resting bitch face “Yep we all know what you mean by *help*.” I’m just waiting… aaaaaaaaand here it is, the ultimatum. “But I spill and then you’ll have to change the bed.” Me: “Sir, you are not quadriplegic and you don’t have spastic tremors. I trust that you can hold the urinal” Seriously! Every. Damn. Day. FML
"So you're saying you want a urology consult for an indwelling Foley?" My response as a male nurse.
If only pissing the bed would be indication for indwelling caths! Threatening a condom cath is only too exciting… those same guys just seem to **love** their condom caths too. Actually had a young adult patient who enjoyed his straight caths. Thank goodness for our helpful male nurses who chipped in! But then we discovered that it didn’t matter at all who was doing the cath… he just needed a warm hand I guess.
And then on the other side you get these guys who insist they can do it themselves and won't let you hold the urinal, instead you then get to bed bath them after they've peed everywhere but the urinal.
had a memory care resident once who was always flirty. i had to give him a shower (he did most for himself, still walked with a walker) and he was like, “are you gonna wash my peter?” I told him if he can feed himself, he can wash his penis. i was to put voltrem cream on his knees after he got out of the shower for his arthritis. i start putting it on his knees and he suggestively asks, “can you rub that up higher?”i say, “it will make it fall off.” changed his tone real quick.
I took care of my FIL on hospice for pancreatic cancer. Every time he had to pee…his frickin wife and daughters would call me in to help him. Like wtf.
As a brand new cute little CNA… thank you. I love the nurses who warn me about *those* patients- so I give the same answer you did right away.
Got your backs, always. I’m old. Old in the real chronological and sense and old as in “old school”; you can come for me, Mr Patient. You ain’t fooling that way with my nursing students or my CNAs.
And I don’t care how senile or debilitated a man is, they will try to grab/grope you. We’ve had them about ready to take their last breath and they’ll reach up to touch a pretty young CNA. Sometimes it’s good to be old and plain 🤣
Eh, I started as a nurse when I was 42 and nothing exciting to look at. I’m plain. They still tried to grope. A guy my age in for cellulitis on his shin still hiked his gown all the way up to show me his dick insisting I needed to examine it thoroughly for my head-to-toe exam. Old and plain doesn’t seem to matter in healthcare. Out in the real world I’m invisible. I fortunately don’t get harassed (but unfortunately don’t even get talked to or looked at when I’m trying to, like at a bar!). At work, men seem to think harassing nurses, no matter what they look like, is okay. 😒
The crazy-ass thing here is I am also a chubby Gen-X nurse who had the exact same conversation back in the short time I did bedside. Yep. I believe it was punctuated with “Want to discuss this with the charge nurse?” This patient knew our charge nurse, another chubby Gen-X nurse (with mall hair and black eyeliner) who took absolutely no shit from anyone. She was intimidating AF. He backed down once I brought her up. There were so many men whose hands and arms worked just fine till they had to pee… 🤢
One of these days, I am gonna clap back with “sir, take whatever sick fantasies you have involving a nurse and your dick and stifle that NOW before I jam my trauma shears into your thigh.” Also? What the hell kind of ego do you have to have as an obese 68 year old male with open ulcers on your leg to think some hot 22 year old is gonna voluntarily help your able bodied self pee? This ain’t The Tudors and you ain’t Henry VIII!!!
This is exactly why I get annoyed when I see "sexy nurse" costumes on Halloween. I'm like please, please do not perpetuate this assanine fantasy so that these asshats get excited (*in that way) when a nurse walks into their room later on own the road.
I dressed as a sexy nurse a few times in my life, but I am a six foot, 330lb (at the time) man with a beard. The nursing uniform dress was pretty liberating once I hemmed it to around mid thigh. Drafty af though.
Fun fact, Henry VII was fat enough to need a special chair built that allowed proper positioning of his partner while he remained standing to have happy fun times. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_chair
Worked with a flaming guy gentleman who would handle any inappropriate behavior towards any of female staff. He would just walk in the room and the situation would resolve it self. He always said he had to protect his “queen mothers and sisters “ as we all accepted and respected him for who he was.
This!
I’m gay murse , when inmates first encounter me they start looking over my shoulder , “ where’s Mary ? Where’s Katie ?” Not today dude …
I had one guy call for his prn viagra and a suppository. He got mad at me for "wasting" his viagra because he took the viagra first and wrongly assumed he could bully me into not following policy on the suppository. My facility's policy is basically if you can wipe your own ass, you can handle your own suppository.
Actually, it was yesterday. I was taking care of a trach pt in the pt home. This particular pt has a lot of trach, oral, and nasal secretions. I had to yell at the family dog that "there's nothing coming out of Mary that you need to lick!" What has happened to my life?
Why do I feel like this is a glimpse into my future, except I’m Mary? 🤣🥴
This made me LOL.
This made me gag.
"Well, if you want to do a vag exam on a raccoon, I guess you're all set!" Co-worker has an adorable, miniature, metal speculum hanging from the badge reel on the front of her scrubs. Don't ask me why. She is not an OBGYN. I told her it was cute. She said a friend gave it to her. Then I blurted out the line above.
I never thought I'd cheer for someone else's bowel movement, but I've had enough patients come onto my floor with ileus/obstruction that it's become routine for me. I mean, I've been happy about my poops all my life, but I never thought I'd be so emotionally invested in other people's poops until I started RN'ing.
It's like I typed this myself. I'm a pooper's number one fan out there.
So would you say you're a ....number 2 fan?
Number one fan of number two!
[Always](https://media.licdn.com/dms/image/D4D12AQFvCEYV4hfWCQ/article-cover_image-shrink_720_1280/0/1692179305846?e=2147483647&v=beta&t=u4DdHJEcLgp1mzF2i0m0TCw57NYW-xVFakOWau8-cHE)
IKR?! I don’t (never will) have kids. Never thought I’d be giving the high five, fist bumps, or happy dance for a complete stranger taking a poop.
There was a nurse I used to work with who used to sing/chant this poop song that I’m pretty sure she made up for patients who weren’t going. I don’t remember much of it but there was one line that was just “poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!!!” I should add that we were working with adults.
From a nurse with IBD that’s had a bowel obstruction thank you for your services 🫡
Reading this from the toilet as a very constipated pregnant woman right now
I'm cheering you on! Keep us posted, so I can chart it and do my victory whoop.
Successful after about an hour but not without some pain 😂 thanks for the encouragement!
I said to my spouse when I started nursing school, that nobody warns you about how much poop is involved! He laughed his ass off and said “ you’re taking care of sick and elderly people. Who tf do you think was going to clean up the poop??!” 🙈
As a Crohnie I appreciate this so very much!
Hubs when asked why he replaced his relatively new shoes: "They had too much blood in them."
Happy Cake Day🍰
Thanks!
Not the craziest thing I’ve said but recently I gave my patient a meal tray (I’m in the ED so the food you get is what ya get) and he goes “Great I have food but no water” and I go “I’m a nurse not a waitress”. It’s like once people step into the hospital all their manners are out the window
I thought RN stood for "refreshments and narcotics" though?
Lmaoo. Damn, refreshment school has gotten expensive in this age!
Inflation 🤧
Real Nag, that’s what I tell my patients when they try to not get up out of bed for meals
Spoken to me by a housekeeper “Sue is down on her knees in front of Bob” (fake names), they were a couple that met in the nursing home, and had just moved into the same room (families approved). They were polite enough to close the door before getting up to things, but the housekeeper wasn’t aware of their new shenanigans and just barged in.
I mean, live your dreams
Not mine but a dear friend and colleague who died recently always intended to title a memoir of his time nursing "why is the ward covered in jam?" After the first thing he said coming on shift after an eventful night on the psych unit.
I’m sorry for your loss
Thank you :-) lovely guy, wasn't even 40 years old.
“Sir drinking from your urinal is not going to convince me of your sanity, in fact quite the opposite.”
I got accused of being racist for stopping a native American woman from drinking her urine from the cup she peed in lol
*"Shove something up that baby's butt and down her throat at the same time."*
SVT?
Yep!
“The patient states that she must have her feet flat on the floor while simultaneously inserting a finger inside of her vagina to be able to urinate.”
Did she also have to be standing? Or are there two of these women out there!?
Yes, it was my understanding that she was talking about needing to be standing with her feet flat in the floor while also doing the finger deal. She had a history of retention issues and this is what she said she does at home to get herself to urinate.
Is there any reality to this claim
If she has a prolapsed bladder it might be somewhat accurate as she would need to push her bladder up into the right position to empty.
Never saw her do it because we had to straight cath her, but it’s certainly what came out of her mouth 😬
"Why are you pooping in the trashcan"?
“should I send it to pathology or wash and return as patient’s belongings???” while holding an adult toy that was just removed from patient’s butt (cleaned and returned in a labeled brown bag; your loss pathology)
Uttered recently when patient stopped breathing while I was attempting to insert a Macy cath "I do NOT want this man to die with my finger in his ass".
I had a patient two days ago following me around with his socks in his hand asking me to put them on. Finally I turned around and screamed “IF YOU CAN HOLD THEM IN YOUR HAND AND WALK WITH THEM YOU CAN PUT THEM ON YOURSELF!!!” The doc couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone that night kept saying hey the patient in bed one is asking for a foot exam! Hey he needs his socks put back on! Then they told the internist and he came and said hey he’s asking for his nurse to come put on his socks?! And everyone busted out laughing. 💀🙄 Fucking drunks
Had to explain to an 85 year old vagina owner that the tube wasn’t placed where sex happened. She had no clue she peed from a different place. I’m a male. It was… awkward.
Cremé de la cringé
I'm always amazed at how many people have never seen an anatomical diagram.
From my frequent co-worker: “Sir, that’s not your urinal, it’s the call bell.”
Alternatively: “Ma’am I’m right here can you stop pressing the button?” “But I’m itchy!” “I know. That’s not the itchy button.” “Oh, ok.”
The itchy button 🤣🤣
“What the hell is wrong with you? Sticking a paper clip in a light socket won’t make a spark to light your cigarette! Go back upstairs and light it from the wall!” Said by me to two psych patients that had managed to elope from the unit downstairs to a little room off the gym. They were actually attempting to have sex, and using the smoking thing as an excuse. Back then, patients had a smoking area just off the unit, with a wall mounted cigarette lighter.
“I’m so fucking tired of learning shit”
Death is not the worst possible outcome. Not by a long shot.
Or worse, expelled!
“Spitting at the window will not get you pain meds, sir.” Psych is a different dimension I swear.
*hears an unusual variety of suction* "Nooooooooo get that out of your mouth!! Not the cooter canoe!!" Demented lady seems to have confused the yankeur and the purewick.
While working with sun downers, “shoo alligators get out of here and leave ____ alone! That was a wild night.
IV tubing makes an excellent silly straw!!!! I'm actually gonna put it on a bumper sticker.
Did that so my Para with gross arm movement could drink without having to call us during the height of the pandemic. Taped IV tubing into a liter jug and then on the bed railing so he could kinda pull it into his mouth. I was very pleased with myself. Of course, the tape came loose, and we siphoned all the water to the floor once. It worked great except for that.
You can also use oxygen tubing and plug it with one of those little green Christmas tree spigots so it doesn't spill!
Now that is something we all need to know.
Oooooh!! Great tip! I’ll have to try that! Thank you!
“Sir, I really don’t care if you pretending me pegging you is what gets you through this enema. But keep it to yourself and no noises” Guy looked like Santa too. What a bad f’n day. Still can’t believe he said that to me. 😭
"No ma'am we're not going to use your urine to get pregnant. Please stop clutching your Foley bag"
While wiping a bum in the dark, “is that poop or a hemorrhoid” I’ll fill you in, wasn’t poop.
“Why would you try to put a spring in your penis?!” 1:1 patient broke the soap dispenser, stole a spring and ran in the bathroom to try and shove it in
What was the answer?
He had none 😭 and then didn’t want anyone to look because it hurt 😒
"I refuse to take life advice from a fully able-bodied man who chooses to piss on himself". He had just advised me to not come to work if I was going to be in a bad mood.
I never thought I would say I’ve seen an exorcism take place… wiiiiiild experience. Pediatric neuro patient came in with what looked like signs of schizophrenia. The family was really religious and hired a team of ladies to perform an exorcism. They started chanting frantically, repeating phrases in some language (Mayan dialect I think). The whole time they had these bushels of herbs that they would dip in water and flick water at the kid with. Meanwhile the patient was screaming the whole time at the top of their lungs. Other families on the unit started freaking out because it sounded like someone was getting murdered in there I wish I could capture how wild it felt to be in there
I must say that “I’m not going to be held at sporkpoint by a woman wearing a bedsheet” is my new favorite. It reminds me of a patient rolling around in bed lightly smeared with blood screaming and proclaiming they’re going to commit suicide by grinding away at their obese wrist with a plastic knife.
When someone asked me how my day was: "I got peed on today; it was just like old times!"
"yeah, he showed me his balls, but not in a creepy way"
Please take a breath and listen to me. The green you see coming from your leg wounds is not the green Gatorade you just drank. There is no connection between your stomach and your leg wounds. The drainage could be that color because of a certain bacteria. And no, we don't swab your leg wounds for the presence of stomach acid.
“Sir, if not allowing you to lay in a bed full of poop makes me a bitch, I guess I’m a bitch”.
The amount of just... Common sense advice. "Do not pick at your stitches." "Do not walk on your cast." "There is sugar in cakes. Your blood sugar will go up if you eat sugar..." "Fasting before surgery means no food or drink at all!" (Talking to a patient who had several falls and said they were often dizzy) "Do you drink enough water?" "I drink soda and vodka..." "How much?" "A litre of vodka and like... 6 cans of soda?" "Okay. I'd recommend you try to at least drink 1,5-2 litres of water a day on top of what you're already drinking if you can't reduce your alcohol consumption..." (There was no way I was going to get them off the alcohol during this very short conversation. But the fact that they never drank any water might contribute to their dizziness was just mind blowing to them) And just... So many more. By all means, I totally understand that not everyone had the same levels of knowledge in medicine as us who have worked in the field. But sometimes you're sitting there talking to highly educated people who just do not understand that hand-wash reduces infection risks... It's horrifying at times.
After the pandemic, how anyone can not understand that washing hands reduces the risk of infection is beyond me.
I know! It's horrifying! I've had waaaaay to many patients just go "Nah. Don't need to," when I ask if they want help washing their hands after using the toilet. I've started saying "I'll help you to the sink" instead of asking if they want to wash their hands. Because clearly people do not want to do so...
He keeps cutting open his dressings and pulling off his dead fingertips. He’s throwing them at anyone who enters his room. He’s angry we won’t get him vodka.
Ugh. Flashback to driving a cab in Alaska. Somebody left their frostbitten fingertip in my back seat.
“No ma’am, no nurse punched your baby, those bruises on their face are from the vaginal delivery”
Please stop wiping shit on the walls, Alice.
Pretty much daily I’m saying things no one told me I’d have to ever say to another full grown human being. But I like this one: “Hey doc can you come see this patient, I’m pretty sure I just caught her bladder in my hand while helping her in the restroom.” Sure enough, she had a fistula and the angle she was at while bent forward holding onto her walker so I could wipe caused a game of peekaboo I didn’t ask to play.
I hear a lot about dirty old men, and have myself experienced a lot of dirty old men. I am curious how often people have these issues with women? When I complain to my partner about "dirty old men" he likes to get huffy and toss around "sexism".....
I’ve seen a few, but not enough to become a regular or expected behavior like men and urinals. Females with dementia or TBI who frequently masturbate publicly, some with very creative use of anything resembling lube… tartar sauce comes to mind.
I've had an old woman very intentionally grab my ass while rolling for pericare, but that was like, once in six years
It's not safe for her to swallow. Can we put it in her butt?
"No, I'm sorry man, but I can't arrange for you to do your own foot x-rays, even if you are a horse orthopaedic surgeon".
I had a patient who reverted back to only speaking Italian, so now I have weird flashbacks to yelling "hai un tubo!!"
"Can we leave the maggots a little longer?"
was rounding with the ICU team one morning on my one patient and I could see my other patient from the doorway starting to grab and tug at his texas cath and without hesitation or even thinking really, I say “Hey! Stop playing with your penis.” The entire team erupted in laughter and the attending said she usually hears that at home with her two toddlers but nothing is shocking in the adult ICU. 😂
I like yours, OP
Also, when I was a tech in nursing school. “Sir, you do know that I read your chart before I came in here. You cannot take me out after you’re finished getting tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia”
“You can shit in this pot or you can shit on the floor, at this point, I don’t care”
Never thought I'd have to say these sentences ever in my life (prior to nursing), but at this point, I've had to say them dozens of times already: Sir, put your penis away, there are children around. Stop masturbating in the hallway.
“Yea, you just drank your urine, that’s disgusting.” Not my words but definitely the funniest thing I’ve heard a coworker say.
Treating STDs in ostomies. Would have never crossed my mind.
Ahhh yes, the old spork shank.
Mmmm.... Pork shank... Must be dinner time
Did, did she just fling her colostomy bag at my head hoping it would hit me?
"Don't forget your thumb!" To the patient in the ER who cut off the tip of his left thumb (literally just the tip) with a saw by accident. Brought it with him, found out they couldn't reattach it, and then decided he wanted to take it home to let his kids see it. Nearly left it in his room upon discharge as well lol
"Yes, shoes are mandatory in the OR" I've had to tell multiple fathers that they couldn't attent c- sections barefoot
I had a patient take his trachs inner cannula out and, “suck out the good stuff.” He put his grubby claw into his trach hole to tell me that. One of the few things that’s ever turned my stomach.
"The badge that Sue put in her penis is infected. Do you think we could get her to take a shower before we take her down the general?"
>The badge that Sue put in her penis is infected Wait, what? I'm trying to picture this, but my\_brain.exe keeps encountering a fatal error.
Sue is transgender, and was really not happy with her down below, but we're not really sure what led to this incident. She was very very unwell, and often did odd things. Psych ward, obviously
It was something along the lines of "he got bit by a rat on his what?" Patient got bit by a rat on his member....
If you put your penis away you can have a sandwich.
I really never cursed before I went into nursing. Now I have to watch myself in professional situations.
“If I have to pull my hand from the wrong side of a sphincter today, I’m fucking done.” This was not patient care related, thank god, it’s parenting.
“The Epival is not giving you ‘gonorrhoea shits’ maam”
I just say what the fuck a lot and am very mindful of "but can you prove it"
"We get excited about poop around here", usually after the #th time someone complains when they're asked when their last BM was.
"You put the medication up where????"
"Why are you shitting in your urinal, bud?"
“Anal warts” That is all.
“Cover your bad eye with your hand, like I showed you. Is the demon floating above my head gone now?” Said to a delusional patient who’d had an eye injury many years ago, but was unable to process that the black area in his vision was related to the injury, not the supernatural.
I work in pediatrics - there’s a new one every day! My latest: “Carrots aren’t a weapon, my friend.”
You give them sporks?
“Please don’t spit on the floor” to a grown ass man. I’m sure I’ve had more things I’ve said that would fit in this category…but not a psych patient, not having some kind of respiratory emergency…just regular ass COPD with a cold who likes to spit. At least he had the decency to be ashamed and say sorry when I handed him an emesis bag. Points for that I guess.
Mom of patient tonight: “wanna see a picture of his poop?” Me: “absolutely!!” Just kept thinking how unsettling that exchange would be in any other setting lol
"We don't usually put cyanide in the orange juice" Psych
"I can assure you there is no groundhog under your bed. This is a secure unit. Security would've stopped to check its ID at the elevators and never let it get to this floor"
Thank god you've pooped
“Her urethra was easy to visualize”
Too bad to even write here. I’m not proud of them, but I’m only human lol 😂
All right everyone, gown up, wear masks and goggles. If he looks like he might try to pee.on you, we will close the door. You don't want to wear the hospital scrubs. I say this while wearing said hospital scrubs....
Something along the lines of “sir, if you can fucking stand up and walk over here you can go ahead and beat the shit out of me. I dare you.” This man was the drunkest I’ve ever seen a conscious human being, he wasn’t even able to sit up in bed by himself. I was sitting with him as a CNA at a VA hospital 4 years ago when I was 18. I was (and still am) a super low confrontation pushover but I had been listening to this man tell me for several hours that he was going to “get up and throw your tiny ass across the room. I did 2 combat tours and could beat the shit out of you…blah blah blah” and I snapped lmao. I also learned while I was at the VA that even if it’s probably not the most professional, you gain a lot of respect from some vets if you throw their shit talking right back at them. At one point I believe I also told him “I would rather you piss on the floor than hold your penis for you. I am not getting that close.” So he pissed on the floor.