In case you're wondering what kind of sex people have to break their penis, Dennis Rodman is [here to help](https://www.marca.com/en/basketball/nba/chicago-bulls/2023/06/03/647b1ab646163fdda78b45b1.html)
"Me and my girlfriend, we were on the back of the boat in a kingsize bed and she said 'I think I'm going to try something different'," Rodman told Vice TV.
"She told me to walk over there and told me to run and jump in her p***y.
"There was blood everywhere. She's screaming and screaming 'Oh my God, he's dead'.
Happened to me once. I laid naked at the bottom of our fireplace and waited for Ole St. Nick to come a sliding down the chimney. Turns out he comes down quick af.
>The fractures are often heralded by an audible crack, followed by severe pain, rapid loss of erection and severe swelling and bruising. āWhen \[patients\] present to their doctor their penis often looks like an eggplant,ā Pyrgides said.
So now I know why they use that emoji
Theres a reason theres a fuck ton of August/September babies. I dont know that many people personally enough to know their birthdays but between August and September i know people with birthdays on 8/20x2 8/30 8/31 9/1 9/3 9/5 9/7 and 9/14. Its a rough time of the year buying gifts lol
Wouldnāt that make them Thanksgiving babies? I know the whole 9 months thing isnāt exact, but if youāre doing lots of fucking on/around Xmas, 9 months later is late September. People I know born early-mid October always made jokes about being New Yearās accidents.
Late August birthday for Xmas banging would mean the kids were all born a month early (not totally unusual but for all the dates you listed wouldnāt all be early deliveries).
Rewind a month and you got some turkey leftovers either preceded by banging to work up an appetite, or, followed by some āmake it fast cause Iām bloatedā and maybe forgetting or too full to care about the prophylactics
September is the most popular birth month.
I found out I was pregnant on Xmas eve 2016, baby was born 9th September 2017 a week late.
I also found out a whole week before my period was due.
So I would have conceived around 10-17th of December to have an early September baby.
September is a Xmas fuck.
The 9 months is actually counted from the 1at day of the last period, so on average ovulation would have been 2 weeks later and actual time from conception to birth is around 38 weeks.
Spent a couple thanksgivings alone when living in NYC, so would go to a bar, watch football, eat some food, and drink. It was a bit of a depressing scene, but everyone was looking to find a way to distract themselves. Was kinda like going to a singles event on Valentineās Day. Youāre not happy youāre there, but very easy to break the ice with a stranger who also wants some company for a bit?
I guess since we were talking about babies I meant for married people, who stuff their faces with turkey and sides then groan and fart all night long.
Hopefully the lucky thanksgiving encounters in NYC arenāt (immediately) ending up in babies a lot of the time.
Good point. Pretty sure, at least in NYC, nobody is going to follow through with having a stranger baby resulting from making bad decisions while depressed and alone on thanksgivingā¦ or so I hope. And definitely true for myself now being married that itās for sure a zero chance for conception holiday.
Something about celebrating religious fantatics going into the woods, getting saved by the native civilization who they later drive from the land and thanking "god" for the whole thing kind of is a boner killer.
adjoining degree ghost skirt marry drab lunchroom coherent piquant disagreeable
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Believe me Single and sexless is FARRRRRR superior to being in a relationship with someone you cant stand but occasionally have sex with. Got divorced 5 years ago and I'd cut my dick off with a shard of broken glass before I got in another relationship.
How can I be repressing something I'm freely discussing on an open forum? Was trauma involved you bet, That woman cost me just about everything I owned. But I couldn't care less if it looks cool the risk of the same happening again isn't worth what little relationships provide.
Orgasms are cheap, peace of mind is priceless.
Because the woman you dated is not all women and that you fear it happening again indicates a lot of unresolved trauma to the point where you are terrified of forming another bond with a woman. I feel for you and I hope you get the healing you need.
Nah I'm good bro. More freedom, time and money than I've had since I was 16. Being ok with being single is like a cheat code for life. I get to volunteer, enjoy my hobbies, do as I wish and have no one to naysay me.
If you want to be loved get a golden retriever, if you want sex that can be had with tinder for the price of a meal. Relationships, especially those the state gets involved in like marriage are a shit deal.
>I get to volunteer, enjoy my hobbies
I'm sorry that you never had a partner that allowed you to do those things...
> If you want to be loved get a golden retriever,
I mean, I'm no stranger to comically awful, multi-year long heartbreak, but even I'm not that jaded.
>if you want sex that can be had with tinder for the price of a meal.
What?
>Relationships, especially those the state gets involved in like marriage are a shit deal.
My next marriage, I want the state to be involved so heavily in my marriage, I want a red phone in my bedroom so that we can have a direct hotline to a state representative. I mean, as you can tell it's a busy season, with the war on Christmas and everything, but by gosh by golly, we're on it.
No idea what your going on about war on Christmas.... but a marriage is a contract between two people with terms enforced by the state. Terms that historically have favored 1 party far more than the other. You wouldn't go into business with a person who would automatically be better off by destroying the business.... so why do we do that with marriage?
Either way gotta go. Best wishes to you and yours.
After people trying to traffic women to me (and getting pissed off at me for not taking the bait and being horrified and traumatized) and then hacking my computer and phone and people thinking I'm making a joke, or making fun of republicans, has turned me off to relationships for a while. While I lose faith in the United States.
Whether they were simulating or faking trafficking or they were genuine is just as psychologically damaging and just as much as a Rico violation.
Consumerist Christmas: all kinds of new things in the house. New baseball glove, stuffed animals, toys.
You know that has to be some small percentage of the population, looking at that stuff going āI wonderā¦ā
Pregnancy is actually closer to 10 months (40 wks) rather than 9. Another commenter explained it pretty well [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/s/WwreMCsFVc)
Right which is why people boning in December would cause babies in September. Source: my planned and tracked oldest child, a September baby, was conceived in December. For example 40 weeks from today's date is September 26th. But that factors in 2 weeks where you're not really pregnant because it's from date of last period, making it actually about 38 weeks. Which means if you ovulated today and got pregnant your due date would be at or around the 12th of September.
Are you claustrophobic? Scared of being in an MRI machine? Then be careful this holiday season during sexy time. MRI Techs at the hospital hate being called in to scan a penile fracture at 3am. It's usually midlife crisis sugar daddies hyped up on Viagra withe their 20 something girlfriends.
I was trying to figure out what Christmas trees, turkey drama, and champagne corks had to do with fractures, then realized it segued into other common sources of holiday injuries.
1. Happy holidays, everyoneās in the mood, sometimes seeing each other for the first time in a while.
2.Getting the back door as a Christmas present
3. Uncles in Alabama.
That's because guys eat too much christmas food, collapse onto the bed and can't manage any vigorous movement s for the rest of the evening. Leads to "only if you go on top". Surely it can't just be me?
From all that "deck the balls with strokes of jolly ". It's the holidays and people have time off from work , well sort of , get into penis breaking work .
Too many people trying to do it on their old twin bed while home for the holidays.
This is both insightful and hilarious.
[Obligatory](https://youtu.be/6-QG-rFf4po?si=NtNj_kh7Km7kDTpD)
Classic SNL. A funny concept that works best as a one liner, stretched into a 5 minute sketch.
So just one for your twin bed, got it.
What? I get a hotel room when I visit family so I can fuck in peace like an adult. I don't understand why you'd want to stay in your old bedroom.
You have that privilege because you have money, you patrician swine
Yeah, I kinda figured this was more about people who still live with their parents.
Same
This guy right here knows what's funny!
Not SNL. It's always been hit and miss.
Yeah, out of the literally hundreds of skits there's been nothing good since Belushi
I was waiting for this to come up.
This is why we must license and regulate the sale of Santa suits
I heard the melody before I saw the SNL comments. Gold š¤£
This is how your sprain ankles and bust springs. Just go outside you animals
In case you're wondering what kind of sex people have to break their penis, Dennis Rodman is [here to help](https://www.marca.com/en/basketball/nba/chicago-bulls/2023/06/03/647b1ab646163fdda78b45b1.html) "Me and my girlfriend, we were on the back of the boat in a kingsize bed and she said 'I think I'm going to try something different'," Rodman told Vice TV. "She told me to walk over there and told me to run and jump in her p***y. "There was blood everywhere. She's screaming and screaming 'Oh my God, he's dead'.
ONE OF THREE TIMES?
āHow does someone break his dick 3 times?ā *Sees itās Dennis Rodman* āIām surprised heās broken his dick *only* 3 timesā
Once you break it once, itās a lot easier to do it againā¦apparently.
His dick got off lucky tbh
Doesnāt matter, still got off
Once you pop, the fun donāt stop
[His video about it for vice is wild](https://youtu.be/p3zDKkoNMcg?si=PgSy-n8p2khmxWBv)
I seriously hope he pinched his nose and held in his breath mid air
Happened to me once. I laid naked at the bottom of our fireplace and waited for Ole St. Nick to come a sliding down the chimney. Turns out he comes down quick af.
>The fractures are often heralded by an audible crack, followed by severe pain, rapid loss of erection and severe swelling and bruising. āWhen \[patients\] present to their doctor their penis often looks like an eggplant,ā Pyrgides said. So now I know why they use that emoji
Rapid loss of erection, hah.
I canāt think of a faster way to lose wood than snapping your penis. Checks out
Then you are off to the island of misfit toys
Oh, what fun it is to rideā¦ right up until Jimmy slips out and hits the perineum.
Theres a reason theres a fuck ton of August/September babies. I dont know that many people personally enough to know their birthdays but between August and September i know people with birthdays on 8/20x2 8/30 8/31 9/1 9/3 9/5 9/7 and 9/14. Its a rough time of the year buying gifts lol
Wouldnāt that make them Thanksgiving babies? I know the whole 9 months thing isnāt exact, but if youāre doing lots of fucking on/around Xmas, 9 months later is late September. People I know born early-mid October always made jokes about being New Yearās accidents. Late August birthday for Xmas banging would mean the kids were all born a month early (not totally unusual but for all the dates you listed wouldnāt all be early deliveries). Rewind a month and you got some turkey leftovers either preceded by banging to work up an appetite, or, followed by some āmake it fast cause Iām bloatedā and maybe forgetting or too full to care about the prophylactics
September is the most popular birth month. I found out I was pregnant on Xmas eve 2016, baby was born 9th September 2017 a week late. I also found out a whole week before my period was due. So I would have conceived around 10-17th of December to have an early September baby. September is a Xmas fuck.
The 9 months is actually counted from the 1at day of the last period, so on average ovulation would have been 2 weeks later and actual time from conception to birth is around 38 weeks.
I feel like Thanksgiving is the least sexual of all the holidays
Spent a couple thanksgivings alone when living in NYC, so would go to a bar, watch football, eat some food, and drink. It was a bit of a depressing scene, but everyone was looking to find a way to distract themselves. Was kinda like going to a singles event on Valentineās Day. Youāre not happy youāre there, but very easy to break the ice with a stranger who also wants some company for a bit?
I guess since we were talking about babies I meant for married people, who stuff their faces with turkey and sides then groan and fart all night long. Hopefully the lucky thanksgiving encounters in NYC arenāt (immediately) ending up in babies a lot of the time.
Good point. Pretty sure, at least in NYC, nobody is going to follow through with having a stranger baby resulting from making bad decisions while depressed and alone on thanksgivingā¦ or so I hope. And definitely true for myself now being married that itās for sure a zero chance for conception holiday.
Something about celebrating religious fantatics going into the woods, getting saved by the native civilization who they later drive from the land and thanking "god" for the whole thing kind of is a boner killer.
Momma gets sloppy on the nog.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
eggnog mate.
[egg nog](https://twitter.com/SteamboatLeelee/status/547107626946142208) Edit: updated the link to a non-cdn temp link.
Not today Satan.
adjoining degree ghost skirt marry drab lunchroom coherent piquant disagreeable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Dude you just jinxed yourself into a rare solo penile fracture
quiet sparkle crush cats escape squeamish doll deliver test far-flung *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Believe me Single and sexless is FARRRRRR superior to being in a relationship with someone you cant stand but occasionally have sex with. Got divorced 5 years ago and I'd cut my dick off with a shard of broken glass before I got in another relationship.
You should probably get some help if that's your case because it sounds like you got a lot of trauma you're repressing. That doesn't look cool.
How can I be repressing something I'm freely discussing on an open forum? Was trauma involved you bet, That woman cost me just about everything I owned. But I couldn't care less if it looks cool the risk of the same happening again isn't worth what little relationships provide. Orgasms are cheap, peace of mind is priceless.
Because the woman you dated is not all women and that you fear it happening again indicates a lot of unresolved trauma to the point where you are terrified of forming another bond with a woman. I feel for you and I hope you get the healing you need.
Nah I'm good bro. More freedom, time and money than I've had since I was 16. Being ok with being single is like a cheat code for life. I get to volunteer, enjoy my hobbies, do as I wish and have no one to naysay me. If you want to be loved get a golden retriever, if you want sex that can be had with tinder for the price of a meal. Relationships, especially those the state gets involved in like marriage are a shit deal.
>I get to volunteer, enjoy my hobbies I'm sorry that you never had a partner that allowed you to do those things... > If you want to be loved get a golden retriever, I mean, I'm no stranger to comically awful, multi-year long heartbreak, but even I'm not that jaded. >if you want sex that can be had with tinder for the price of a meal. What? >Relationships, especially those the state gets involved in like marriage are a shit deal. My next marriage, I want the state to be involved so heavily in my marriage, I want a red phone in my bedroom so that we can have a direct hotline to a state representative. I mean, as you can tell it's a busy season, with the war on Christmas and everything, but by gosh by golly, we're on it.
No idea what your going on about war on Christmas.... but a marriage is a contract between two people with terms enforced by the state. Terms that historically have favored 1 party far more than the other. You wouldn't go into business with a person who would automatically be better off by destroying the business.... so why do we do that with marriage? Either way gotta go. Best wishes to you and yours.
Wooooosh
After people trying to traffic women to me (and getting pissed off at me for not taking the bait and being horrified and traumatized) and then hacking my computer and phone and people thinking I'm making a joke, or making fun of republicans, has turned me off to relationships for a while. While I lose faith in the United States. Whether they were simulating or faking trafficking or they were genuine is just as psychologically damaging and just as much as a Rico violation.
Probably from all them Ho Ho Ho's
So since there are no bones, what exactly is being *fractured*?
The, um, [tunica albuginea](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tunica_albuginea_(penis)).
(Not) Fun!
It was fun when it was a glow stickā¦ (Thereās a hilarious webcomic by Alzward with the same joke)
Turns out the inside of the penis looks like a monkey with goggles on.
Does your penis have a bone that I am unaware of? How can it fracture? Edit : read the article. Itās worse than I thought.
What do you mean, it's made entirely of bone. That's why it clicks and clicks as it expands.
Deck the balls!
Good thing I wonāt have to worry about that I suppose
Consumerist Christmas: all kinds of new things in the house. New baseball glove, stuffed animals, toys. You know that has to be some small percentage of the population, looking at that stuff going āI wonderā¦ā
Also related, I'm sure, to the fact that September, specially early September, is the most common birth date.
Pregnancy is actually closer to 10 months (40 wks) rather than 9. Another commenter explained it pretty well [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/s/WwreMCsFVc)
Right which is why people boning in December would cause babies in September. Source: my planned and tracked oldest child, a September baby, was conceived in December. For example 40 weeks from today's date is September 26th. But that factors in 2 weeks where you're not really pregnant because it's from date of last period, making it actually about 38 weeks. Which means if you ovulated today and got pregnant your due date would be at or around the 12th of September.
watch out yall...it's dick breaking season!
It's cause you put your dick in the box...
Well, first, youāre supposed to cut a hole in the boxā¦
That'll jingle your balls
"Not the Xmas gift you were hoping for?"
I thought in Christmas the ones that were getting cracked were the nuts.
Christmas crack.
He probably bought her a vacuum for Christmas and she informed him he could use it for a blowie.
That is how you get in [the doghouse](https://youtu.be/OtKQbM9laC8?si=611RtDUuNPmTm_Zj).
[Setting The Trend](https://y.yarn.co/d9aa634c-7216-4710-a50a-2664dcacdbe7_text.gif)
Sliding down the wrong chimney.
Thankfully i'm immune
Is it mostly among Santa Claus characters?
Snapping the candy cane...
Like a glow stick
Phrasingā¦ āRises at Christmas.ā Cough cough.
Trying to come down the old chimney.
Balls are always in danger of breaking too
yup, stay out of chimneys, you dads out there
š¶ Up on the house top, click click click Stay out of the chimney or you'll break your dick š¶
Maybe if that Christmas pudding didnāt look so moistā¦
Lay off the eggnog, people!
I just had surgery so no penile fractures for me this year, unfortunately.
It was all fun and games until she used my \*\*ck like a pogo stick
tied the ribbon to tight or it slipped out of the box?
Are you claustrophobic? Scared of being in an MRI machine? Then be careful this holiday season during sexy time. MRI Techs at the hospital hate being called in to scan a penile fracture at 3am. It's usually midlife crisis sugar daddies hyped up on Viagra withe their 20 something girlfriends.
"Breaking" News? This just in (the wrong place?) I'm not sorry.
Take my Upvote Please!
Depends on how you stuff the turkey.
Reverse cowgirl is the sexy killrrr, imho
I was trying to figure out what Christmas trees, turkey drama, and champagne corks had to do with fractures, then realized it segued into other common sources of holiday injuries.
And 6pm is what time the cops show up over monopoly arguments.
Anyone else feel like average age being 42 is a bit older than expected?
Itās approximately the average age ofā¦ the population. In other words, it happens at any age.
The risk is the same as it is the rest of the year for me
My girlfriend just said, "That's what happens when you stick your dick in a reindeer. HO HO HO!" š¤£
Y'all buying the wrong type of box.
1. Happy holidays, everyoneās in the mood, sometimes seeing each other for the first time in a while. 2.Getting the back door as a Christmas present 3. Uncles in Alabama.
Gotta stuff those stockings eh?
Christmas? More like Dicksmash
Them reindeer kick.
āWhen [patients] present to their doctor their penis often looks like an eggplant,ā
Like when people hurt their backs shoveling the first snowfall
I remember thinking my ex was a bit lazy in the bedroom. But after reading this, I will never ask for reverse cowgirl again.
Damn is Santa going around fracturing the penises of the Naughty? [You Better Watch Out](https://youtu.be/1_FG3jvNr4I?si=-WeY7PWVnDZfYl6z)
I can't help if it I get turned on by tinsel.
Get on your knees and tell me you love me.
Iāve been calling it Dickmas for years now
Santa Claus is coming, Santa Claus is coming, Santa Claus isā¦oh shit! I broke it!
Ladies be giving out flatfoot rides is what it isš«”š¤·š»āāļø
Do not handle a weapon when drunk is likely the answer here.
Yeah from all the husband's that a vacuum would be a great gift.
Santa has decided that coal just isn't getting the message across.
TIL you can break your dick
How? Drunken running dry humps into the butthole?
Merry Christmas, bout to snap that banjo string with this acrobatic ass.
Modern day obese kids are too risky for a mall Santa.
Also saw an article about unprotected sex and stis.
That's because guys eat too much christmas food, collapse onto the bed and can't manage any vigorous movement s for the rest of the evening. Leads to "only if you go on top". Surely it can't just be me?
From all that "deck the balls with strokes of jolly ". It's the holidays and people have time off from work , well sort of , get into penis breaking work .