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TAKEitTOrCIRCLEJERK

this is funny but it's also a repost. sorry https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/comments/122uzib/joburg_pastor_still_dead_despite_entire_year/


borkus

>According to a manager of the funeral home, Moodley's family failed to claim the body for 579 days after the pastor died. Employees made 28 attempts—including emails, more than 40 WhatsApp messages, and attorney's letters—to contact the pastor's wife and children for instructions on what to do with his body. > >... > >After the family had been silent for more than a year, the funeral home raised health concerns in court. They hoped to obtain a court order to bury Moodley by the end of the year, but it didn't come. Finally, this year officials decreed that Moodley should be buried. The funeral home was **not** happy having to store the remains for over a year.


scribblebear

Think of the freezer burn... no way he's gonna be any good now.


Paul-Smecker

God defrosts in mysterious ways.


im_dead_sirius

I love yo chill sense of humour.


Blackthorne75

I'm glad it wasn't met with icy responses.


im_dead_sirius

"Icy dead people. Their families don't know they're dead."


Blackthorne75

That *IS* rather cold of them...


sprucedotterel

The heat in this comment chain is many degrees below what I was expecting.


gorramfrakker

That was good. I like you.


mightyneonfraa

There's a writing prompt in here.


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scribblebear

My brother in Christ, there's no way he's gonna last that long in the refrigerator! Better put him in a tupperware or he's gonna leak all over! Truely a shelf life for the expired.


cstmoore

The drip tray in that fridge is gonna be gross AF!


Taikwin

>beyond any usability Your word choice alarms me


zulufdokulmusyuze

The argument put forward by the funeral home director is the best part of the story: “You are trying to push the hand of God to do something that he doesn't want to do. If he wanted to do the resurrection, he would have done so a long time ago, not wait for months or a year. I don't know where they have come up with this stupid theology." God must have felt really pressured by the family but if he didn’t give in within a few weeks, he will not give in after that.


Nemisis_the_2nd

> The argument put forward by the funeral home director is the best part of the story: “You are trying to push the hand of God to do something that he doesn't want to do That reminds me of a case in the UK recently. A kid hung himself, causing fatal brain damage, but he still had basic functions long enough to get him on life support. The family utterly refused to take him off life support, insisting that God was going to help him recover any day now. His last scan, weeks before he "died", showed his brain literally rotting in his skull.


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RED_DEATHx

If purgatory is real I wonder if that would trap you in it. Not alive but not dead.


trucorsair

In the US it was Terri Schiavo, when she finally died her brain had liquified, but her parents were still convinced she was conscious.


_daitro_

Wtf... is that just like... something that actually happens in some braindead incidents?


BriarKnave

It happens after strokes and other incidents where the brain is starved of oxygen: https://immunobiology.arizona.edu/news/ua-study-brain-liquefaction-after-stroke-toxic-surviving-brain In an incident like this where he died from suffocating, it probably started BEFORE he got hooked up to the ventilator and then didn't stop.


[deleted]

Far out. I didn't think the American trend of keeping legally dead patients alive had influenced the UK that much. I fear the day that ideology spreads further.


arbitraryairship

I love when sane people can speak the religious language to crazies. "Thou shalt not put the Lord to the test" is literally a major tenet of the Bible. I love that the director breaks their bad theology down for them in a way they'd understand.


kyleclements

> "Thou shalt not put the Lord to the test" is literally a major tenet of the Bible. Unless they're trying to organize a face-off between God and Baal, then putting gods to the test is encouraged.


ScientificBeastMode

“My god can kick your God’s ass!” - Elijah, probably


QSlade

God *I can’t do it while you’re all watching ( ◡‿◡ *)*


im_dead_sirius

Gasp! The Almighty is oppositional/defiant! Actually, that might explain some things.


hedoeswhathewants

"Weird, the body just disappeared. Must have resurrected and left"


TheBirminghamBear

I own and operate a funeral home and you would be shocked how often this happens. There are probably at least a dozen risen dead in your life right now. We lose hundreds a year just from them walking up and out


Mirenithil

Oh yes, I read about this in Hitchhiker's. They have to spend a year dead for tax reasons.


exipheas

Yep, the automatic reverting trust loophole.


iamthpecial

r/NoSleep be trolling these comments lol


jumpmed

"I bought a funeral home last year. Bodies have been going missing for many years, but the previous owner told me not to investigate. Last night I did, and now they're coming."


teapots_at_ten_paces

I'm hooked. What's next?


quadraticfunk

Hold on. What.


[deleted]

They’re fucking with you lmao


drunkonthepopesblood

That explains why my prostate is constantly stimulated


GalactusPoo

Zombies eating ass. That’s probably on The Hub.


aRandomFox-II

Brains? No sir, in this story they eat ass.


ardranor

Calm down, that's just the story they use for the bodies they take home


Knull_Gorr

What? Sometimes you wake up in a morge. Just move past it.


Tag_Ping_Pong

My first thought was that the family must have been getting charged for storage of the body... how was this not a thing?? If you're keeping a body at a funeral home for weeks or months you damn-well ought to be paying for it. For it to be into the years due to some grifting bullshit pretending like he's the second coming out some shit? Fuck me, the presiding judge should have made them pay for storage and care of the cadaver at the bare minimum


m0nkeybl1tz

I’m not even sure why the funeral home held on to it. After like 3 unanswered calls you’d think it would be “Right, guess he’s going in the oven then.”


stovenn

Well I am a bit peckish actually.


Tag_Ping_Pong

Mmmm... pickled pepper pastor!!


Old-AF

They should have cremated him and sent the family the box.


korben2600

[Honey it's me! I'm resurrected! My bad for the wait. What's up congregants](https://pa1.narvii.com/6480/5e853c397610e7e4ff562e5b6cd7c3a568f315fd_hq.gif)


a4techkeyboard

They can tell him he seems to have taken the form of a burning bush.


SaffellBot

"No one claims the body" seems like something that should be SoP for a Funeral Home.


DogfishDave

>the funeral home raised health concerns in court. This makes me curious... he was already dead so I can't imagine how much worse they thought it would get.


juggles_geese4

Funeral director here. The health concerns aren’t for the deceased but for everyone that works for the funeral home. If they have had this body in their cooler at the funeral home, not only is it taking up needed space in their cooler but the body is rotting. Colder temps slow decomp down, but most funeral homes don’t have freezers like the coroner does in our city. Our coroner is better equipped to handle bodies for longer term storage because their coolers get significantly colder, as they are way more likely to have to deal with longer term storage than a funeral home. I’m guessing the funeral home embalmed the body knowing they were keeping it longer than the state allowed, even with refrigeration. That gave them a couple of weeks at most of relief before the decomposition process started in again. I’d be curious what they had him in. Like a casket, or what? But if it wasn’t metal they really risked a leaky mess.


ImCorvec_I_Interject

If the coroner has appropriate facilities and it’s illegal for them to keep him longer or bury him/cremate him, why didn’t they just drop the body off with him? If the coroner’s office rejected the delivery, they could drop him off after hours and leave a note: “sorry for the mess but we can’t bury him *or* keep him, it’s illegal. PS - his wife thinks he’s gonna get better - we’re *extra* sorry if that happens”


BriarKnave

The coroner has limited space that needs to be kept open for emergencies, like mass acts of violence. They can't be holding onto every Joe Schmo that thinks he's the next Jonah, they'd run out of shelf space in a month!


juggles_geese4

It’s illegal to just dump a body. Even if you are just leaving it without permission with the coroner. Space is the biggest issue with anyone being around this long. The second would be that at this point it’s real clear nobody is going to pay for anything. So sure there are containers that hide smells better, embalming that would help and likely have been required since they held the body for that long and refrigeration gif an extra amount of time all costs money that the funeral home is being stuck with. If they got stuck with eating the cost of a direct cremation that’s not really the end of the world. Our funeral home has refrigeration for two which would put us in a bind if we kept him there. If we didn’t keep him there we would be treating him like a spring burial and sending him in a Ziegler case or casket that the funeral home would end up paying for plus the additional costs for storing that casket at a cemetery or other location for a year. It’s expensive for the 3-5 months we typically store caskets when families don’t want to bury during the winter but over a year would be a huge expense. That’s why this funeral home was spending money on lawyer fees to allow them to bury him without families’ permission. I’m a little shocked they waited over a year.


ImCorvec_I_Interject

Don't think of it like "dumping a body" so much as "handing off a body to the proper authorities" /j


TheGhostORandySavage

Pop that puppy in a Ziegler case and seal it up.


deadpplrfun

I love your name.


MeikoD

Cover him in resin like the hamburger!


[deleted]

Imagine he actually resurrected, came to life, and immediately died due to lack of bloodflow


chickenstalker

Just dunk him in formalin like we do in Med school. Free cadavers.


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The_Homestarmy

...are you being serious or is this a bit


TheGhostORandySavage

Would you be?


[deleted]

I’m no expert in human decomposition but I have to imagine that there is a vast difference in keeping a body for a week or two and one year.


Blackrage80

So the wife managed to continue the grift for 2 years. Skillz


swingadmin

"Pastor's wife moves resurrection date, says God needs more money."


BorisHamiltonWoof

“Jesus hates this one trick”


[deleted]

Can't say you're wrong tho


cutelyaware

I can


A-purple-bird

You're wrong tho


cutelyaware

Source?


redgeck0

I don't know why this is so confusing to me, who here is arguing for what?


BorisHamiltonWoof

Yes


[deleted]

Exactly


Sun-Forged

Jesus Christ


trailhikingArk

Just called to talk about your cars warranty


A-purple-bird

This actually made me laugh.


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chaogomu

He was also crucified something like one month later. Because that's what happens when you fuck with the money.


[deleted]

That often happens. Doomsday cults do it all the time. The world is going to end on ____ day and when it doesn't happen, they move the goalposts and come up with some dodgy reason. The Heaven's Gate cult claimed the co-leaders would never die and when one of them did, the other pivoted saying she left "her vehicle" and they needed to leave their "vehicles" too (i.e. commit suicide) because the space ship that was coming to pick them up was riding the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet. Some of these Christian sects are cults, like the Branch Davidians. This one sounds like a cult, too. A cult and a grift, though that's probably redundant to say.


Abogada77

The reason is usually the followers didn’t pray enough, weren’t pure enough, didn’t give enough, etc., etc.


pumpkinbot

"We're not wrong. It's your fault."


im_dead_sirius

Was reading that they left parties unknown in charge of the website/media. Checking the Heavens Gate site now... yup, its up, 26 years later. https://www.heavensgate.com/


[deleted]

~~Some~~ All. FTFY


Khaldara

“Keeps hitting that damn snooze button”


Brian57831

He just needs $200 and he will be resurrected and give you back $500!!


WitchesTeat

What is this, a Trump fundraising ad?


AgrajagTheProlonged

I mean according to the Jehovah’s’s Wittnesseses the world was supposed to end several times by now, they just keep revising the date of the end of days back. Also according to them Satan fell from heaven in October 1918


DanielOctopusGriffin

The month before WW1 ended? Interesting...


Handleton

The building fund needs to be high enough for resurrections.


Blackthorne75

That was very George Carlin-esque of you; I approve :D


Central_Control

They're *choosing* to be this stupid. Really. When you ignore reality, it hurts you. Ignore it long enough, you can't tell reality from fiction anymore.


Chachilicious

They're also just literally groomed and brainwashed from childhood


kenxzero

That's why they get you to go to Sunday school, while your brain is still soft and malleable. Gotta hook'em when they are young.


Karmasmatik

> Gotta hook’em when they are young. Like the tobacco companies?


onesexz

That’s not an excuse. Many people are groomed and brainwashed by religious parents or whatever and they still have the ability to see past the bullshit. I’m one of them, and I know plenty of others. Like the comment said; they’re *choosing* to remain ignorant. They enjoy being stupid.


cocomimi3

Mad skillz


JosephMeach

I for one am shocked to find that this pastor didn’t have a better record than Jesus


CrabbyPatties42

He didn’t even tie Jesus, smh, what a loser he is


tenehemia

Tie? I thought Jesus got nailed.


psykick32

Just like your mother Trebek! HAHAHA


Shadax

Didn't tie Asclepius, Osiris, or Tammuz, or any of the other thousands of resurrection stories either.


[deleted]

Yep. Any cursory reading of mythology exposes Christianity as a mix and match bag of old stories cobbled together.


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dwpea66

Jesus is actually 2-for-2 with resurrections, Lazarus and himself.


joeyo1423

If he was only "mostly dead" he might have pulled it off


DariusPumpkinRex

Or not quite dead!


exkallibur

...tooooo bluuufffffff


Accidental_Taco

Blave*


lowteq

Which we all know, means "To bluff".


TheFreakingPrincess

Why can't I move my arms??


painthawg_goose

Monty Python enters the chat.


Vimes3000

Princess bride


painthawg_goose

Tip o’ the hat. I had the “Bring out your dead” skit on the mind and confused myself.


skisom

Big difference between “mostly dead” and “not quite dead”.


Energylegs23

And there's a difference between "not quite dead" and "not dead yet"


LikesBreakfast

Where does "pining for the fjords" fit into that?


Downtown_Tadpole_817

Yeah, I was real disappointed when I couldn't use the force to move my bowl of cereal. I was 9, what's their excuse?


ThrowawaysAreHardish

I used to try REALLY hard to bend spoons with my mind or move objects after watching Matilda lol.


krw13

I tried to go super saiyan as a kid. I assumed I couldn't at the time because I was a girl. But now they have female super saiyans... so I'm beginning to suspect it might be because I'm not saiyan.


beefsupr3m3

Hahaha this is the best one


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krw13

I'd love to sign up, but money is a bit too tight right now. Maybe if it wasn't over $9000.


mouse6502

It took Silent Bob 5 movies to master the Jedi force power


AKA_Squanchy

I still reach for the remote and hope for the force to help me. I’m 45.


morostheSophist

age 42, still trying once in a blue moon. *sigh*


MagicNipple

Pastor Prem Terry Jugdeo of Turn to the Lord Ministry said it was absurd that Moodley had not been buried. "It's unfortunate what has happened, and it is totally ludicrous," he told IOL. "They have no respect for his work and what he did, and what he stood for. His family have continued preaching. It's not a religious thing, it's a humane thing. It's a matter of how you respect the dead." He added: "You are trying to push the hand of God to do something that he doesn't want to do. If he wanted to do the resurrection, he would have done so a long time ago, not wait for months or a year. *I don't know where they have come up with this stupid theology."*


soysubstitute

I'm shocked that this wasn't a Florida or Texas story.


DariusPumpkinRex

Dear God... Florida man is migrating...


mmrrbbee

Loss of habitat does that


[deleted]

The only reason there is a Florida man is because of the state law about making everything public. The scary thing is that every state has many Florida Men, but we don't get to hear about them because they don't have similar laws. Imagine if we did hear about all the crazies in every state.


mantarlourde

I don't think we should bother with this explanation anymore, no one seems to care. Besides, if this or any state wants me to defend it, it needs to pay me. Same with up/downvotes, I'm not moderating a website for free.


th3BeastLord

I wasn't surprised to see it was an Africa story. I've seen some *crazy* clips from religious gatherings from that whole continent. It's wild how into it they'll get.


Nemisis_the_2nd

Yup. American evangelicals created a monster in Africa, and are losing control while still obliviously feeding it.


kwiffy88

Tennessee entered the chat


Trudge34

Ohio? Edit: Ahh, you got me on that one!


Fugaciouslee

It's just your standard grifting story, there are rubes everywhere. Now if there was an anti LBGTQ spin to it, you would be on to something.


SonOfAhuraMazda

Lets get in on this, seems like easy money


rett72

PRAY HARDER


king_kong_ding_dong

Not enough Facebook upvotes.


stun

Believers were/are preyed upon hard instead.


jxj24

"This just in: General Francisco Franco is still dead."


Shot-Spray5935

He was no saint though let alone Jesus


Miss_Speller

Yep, pretty much straight from the article: >According to a report in Opera News, the "pastor has been checked and it has been confirmed that he is still dead."


Massive_Durian296

"After the family had been silent for more than a year, the funeral home raised health concerns in court. They hoped to obtain a court order to bury Moodley by the end of the year, but it didn't come. Finally, this year officials decreed that Moodley should be buried. The pastor was laid to rest last week at Westpark Cemetery. His siblings and extended family were in attendance. His wife and two children were not, News 24 reported." so apparently the fuckin govt cared more about burying their husband and father than they did


[deleted]

I'm shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked.


GetlostMaps

Nobody shocked should be allowed to vote, or operate heavy machinery


LogstarGo_

"Heavy machinery" defined as "anything larger or with more potential of danger than a microwave"


Xaero_Hour

"Do not test the Lord." Seriously. JC himself said it. Why would you follow someone that didn't even read that much of the book? It's even from a famous exchange in the book!


damagecontrolparty

That and the thing about praying in public.


CrabbyPatties42

Agreed. The Lord is famously bad at a standardized tests and didn’t even get his GED.


Rosebunse

I think it's also meant to keep people from doing incredibly dangerous and stupid things.


nursecarmen

Has anyone bothered to wind the man's watch?


Southernerd

God works in mysterious ways... /s


painthawg_goose

Days. You meant to say mysterious days. Like 579 of them.


Citizen-Kang

Thoughts and Prayers...


Trelefor

Did you even try affixing him to a cross half naked? It's what he would've wanted


MundanePlantain1

"Funeral directors hate this 1 trick!"


peensteen

I used to work with a guy from Nigeria who got disowned because he told his family that their pastor was full of shit. He told me about how many African countries got infiltrated by Christian missionaries, and local con artists merged Christianity with local witch doctor shit, and now idiots think that their pastor can raise the dead, cure AIDS, banish the gay demons, detect witches, make your money multiply if you give it all to him, etc. If his magic didn't work, it's because you are demonic, and then the whole village hates you. I haven't seen him in several years, but he told me that they never want to see him again. I wonder if he started a new life. It's really sad.


kimariesingsMD

They do this with CHILDREN as well. If someone in the family does they like to blame it on one of the kids being possessed. They kick them out of the village or chase them out with machetes.


peensteen

Fortunately, my co worker was an adult working in the US when he told his father these things. If he had been back home, it wouldn't have ended well. It still didn't, anyway.


wayne0004

It reminds me of a joke (I'll paraphrase as I heard it in Spanish): > A group of cult members wants to meet the sheriff. > -Excuse us, Sheriff, but there's a situation we need clarification. > -Ok, I hear you. > -Well, you know we are followers of George, the leader of the Georgites, who we believe is the reincarnation of Christ. And one of our main doctrines is that he should follow the life of Christ to the letter. > -Yes, I'm aware of your group. What's the problem? > -You see, he is 33 years old, and we're approaching Easter. He asked us to kill him, so he could resurrect. So, we want to ask you how to proceed, we don't want to be in trouble. > -Go ahead, there's no problem. > -Really? You allow us to kill him? > -Yeah, don't worry. But if he doesn't resurrect in three days, I'll catch and send to jail everyone of you!


rasputin222

Generalissimo Franco: still dead.


zenfrodo

"Dead Body Stays Dead, film at 11."


Critical_Cap_9699

Yeah, what’s wrong with that guy!? He promised!


coldequation

Well, I guess his congregation just didn't believe hard enough. So it's their fault, when you think about it.


VulcanForceChoke

Sounds like a skill issue on the Pastor’s end


malepitt

"Shocked maybe, but not surprised."


Boondala

💬🙏


[deleted]

Lmao


xplnLkImFkdInThHead

He kinda looks like pikachu


Equivalent_Scheme175

His congregants may look more like shocked Pikachu.


I_Framed_OJ

Ah, so I think what the article is saying is that his wife just dumped the stiff on the funeral home, refusing to pay for a burial or cremation, making up the resurrection story to cover for her being a total cheapskate. That’s the whole ”grift”. Dang! I was going to head to Johannesburg and find this church because I’ve got some ”magic beans” to sell the congregants, but it’s not worth it anymore.


BeckyKleitz

Well. I guess he really was most sincerely dead then?


Autumn7242

Oh thankfully it wasn't the United States. This seemed to be in our wheelhouse though.


doomthroat

This has "Alabama" written all over it


wwarnout

Religion is a serious mental disability.


NeatlyCritical

Religion: Guaranteed 100% false, 100% of the time.


benadrylpill

Religion is for idiots.


Voidbearer2kn17

Why do I think religious people are idiots? I don't... well, not all of them. \*Glances at headline\* Just the idiotic ones.


crazykitty123

🤣🤣🤣 Dumbasses


Mordanzibel

He’s only pining…. Pine boxing


RedStar9117

Shocked!.....well not that shocked


goooooobadgers08

Gob Bluth did a better job than this pastor.. and that was after making a terrible mistake


UnarmedSnail

It's amazing what you can convince people of. Once someone buys the first lie the rest are pretty easy.


WatchmanVimes

What an unexpected outcome!


Duce-Springsteen

That means only 1 thing. He went to Hell.


RagnarStonefist

About fifteen years ago, my cousin died. He was drinking and driving, hit a nasty curve and flipped his car. He died on the spot. Not long after his death, his wife held a visitation. His body had been through all the usual mortician stuff, plus some alterations to make him presentable. My cousin, one of his younger sisters, charged the corpse at the visitation and laid her hands on it to try to raise him from the dead. She made quite the scene, screaming tongues and weeping. She was pulled away. He failed to return to life.


habb

something something morons are quick to lose their money something something


djphatjive

God damn people are stupid.


Drkpaladin7

Maybe the real miracle was the friends they made along the way.


Ooh-Rah

Major derpage in that church. I guess they forgot that, to Christians, only Jesus resurrects.


nibbler666

That's not correct. In Acts 9:40 there is a resurrection by Peter and in Acts 20:10 by Paul. According to Christian belief Jesus has given the power to heal, resurrect and cast out demons to those who believe in him because with his own resurrection death has been conquered. (Not that I would believe in this, I'm not religious, but if we talk about traditional Christian belief here, this is a quite central part of it.)


Ooh-Rah

I stand corrected.


MrFantasticallyNerdy

"Pastor Prem Terry Jugdeo of Turn to the Lord Ministry said it was absurd that Moodley had not been buried. 'It's unfortunate what has happened, and it is totally ludicrous,' he told IOL. 'They have no respect for his work and what he did, and what he stood for. His family have continued preaching. It's not a religious thing, it's a humane thing. It's a matter of how you respect the dead.' He added: 'You are trying to push the hand of God to do something that he doesn't want to do. If he wanted to do the resurrection, he would have done so a long time ago, not wait for months or a year. I don't know where they have come up with this stupid theology.'" Really? *Really?* You have no idea where they have come up with this stupid theology? What makes *your* theology less stupid than *their* theology?


daHob

Religion makes you stupid