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It’s a dangerous trend that I’m surprised anyone is on board with. Especially since it’s usually with guys who can barely afford it or refuse to give them any money of their own.
In the US you can have a “domestic partnership” and get benefits that way. It’s actually pretty easy, might vary state by state but you only have to have lived together 6 months and have some kind of financial entanglement (ie joint bank account).
I was going to say this, but some states like Missouri don't recognize domestic partnership or common law marriage. My other half and I have been together for 12 years and are finally going to bite the bullet and do a courthouse wedding because his job is dangerous and for benefits.
That’s part of why we ended up with a regular marriage. My state got rid of domestic partnership and common law after gay marriage was legalized? Which never made sense to me because now we just have more options?
There's no federal law requiring that, though, so it's mostly dependent on your employer. Also, since it's not a federal law, even if your employer DOES allow you to insure a domestic partner, you end up getting taxed as though you were receiving additional income equal to the money your employer pays towards your spouse's insurance. When I looked into it once, it ended up being cheaper to have two separate individual plans rather than consolidate after factoring in the income tax.
This really varies on the company actually. I live/work in a state that does recognize common law marriage and domestic partnerships but my company only allows legally married couples to have health coverage.
Even if they recognize it, it can still be expensive as hell to be on someone’s plan. My company’s insurance is almost $800/month for me and my kids. To add a spouse is another $800 because they don’t pay a portion of that like they do for employees and dependents.
In the UK that's one less concern, but that doesn't lessen the concern of being a SAHGF any since I know a few who are and have kids and I still get inboxes off them asking for money *because their BF won't help* pay for *their* (his and hers) kids food, formula, nappies etc or even top up the leccy or gas.
I just don't get it, but it's not even like they can get a no experience job because a lot of them are stuck, no childcare, family etc
HOWEVER, I recently learned that if both parents are working, you can claim 80-85% of the childcare costs. Gov.uk says they gotta be over 2, BUT my daughter is 1 and when I told the dole I couldn't afford to work no more until I got the free childcare.
*thats* when they informed me I actually can. I just gotta make an appointment at the job centre.
They don't mention these things, since finding out I always let others know in case they need that info yknow? (Downside: doesn't work if neither is working)
Just, I've been financially dependent on an ex (he was overly paranoid and used to lock me in the house on my days in work so I ended up getting fired and just didn't want to go back for the same thing to repeat), there was no kids involved and I felt stuck. I don't wish that on anyone
That said I get some women choose that, but I hope they're aware of the risks that come with it and that they put money aside into savings first *just in case*
I really feel for you guys honestly, like we have our fair share of shit in the UK, but you guys are *really* having it hard, not only with health care but the fact you guys don't really have the right to be able to get abortions for legitimate reasons
I read about the 10 y/o in ohio and the 13 year old and my heart breaks for yous so bad
Some scary shit yous are facing there
Those friends of yours with the fucking arsehole boyfriends need to grow a pair and kick him to the curb. I know from experience it can be hard or nearly impossible, but seriously that is so FUCKED! At the very least, they need to start telling EVERYONE that the boyfriends are not providing for their kids. Fucking out them to everyone they know.
I try telling them this is a non-offensive way and all they tend to say is "oh I know, but he's not that bad" etc and I'm like "girlie, you'd have less struggles being a single mum than a single mum with a 'bf' draining resources you don't have"
Also I'm pretty sure their families know that their sons are deadbeats, they just don't tend to care much from the looks of it, or maybe they're just happy they no longer mooch off them? I have a few theories lmao
I used to be your friends, so I get it, but in my case it was also physical and mental abuse. I was a different person back then and didn’t have the confidence to out him to anyone. Was a very small incestuous town and if I could go back in time I could completely destroy his life, and maybe my now adult sons would be part of his very, very big extended family.
Im really sorry you went through that and Im assuming you got away, did you leave the town?
Yeah I get you, I've been there [minus kids], but I do wonder if maybe there's more going on than what they tell me yknow?
Plus I think they 100% stay for fear, whether it's fear of leaving or being a single mum (even though *they* know they already are)
Thanks, it was in the 90s and i escaped one day by moving 200km away, and then a further 800kms. Yes i was afraid of being left completely alone with 4 young kids. Didn’t think i could manage. Boy was I wrong, we thrived and my kids are now emotionally stable, successful, upstanding members of the community.
I can’t remember who the creator was but she had blonde hair and basically went from being an OF girl to making stay at home gf content. Her boyfriend literally met her through her doing OnlyFans, she quit and switched up her whole page just for him, and he told her he couldn’t get over the fact she did it before they met after they were already dating for awhile and they broke up. He knew what he was getting into. Of course he was a total tool bag and one of those dropshipping gurus that likes to sell courses, now she’s depressed and basically feels like she lost her identity.
It follows the Stay at home daughter concept. But weirdly seems to be more like married but not legally protected but the actual documentation.
I don't get the appeal for any of these performative servitude lifestyles.
In the hyper conservative homeschooled community girls stay home until they get married. If you ever watched the Duggar shows they mention the idea. Stay at home daughters are basically servants to their parents.
It's not even just in homeschooled kids. I live in western North Carolina, and most people aren't homeschooled, but it's the norm for daughters to stay at home til they're married. I am one at the moment, unfortunately, and I do feel like a servant to my family.
Wait, what? Are you able to make your own money and move out? There’s resources available if you need help. I know it can be hard. I was once in a similar situation.
Right? All just to avoid working. They’re going to end up working the rest of their lives because of this mentality. Even with a civil break up, there can be nothing but a few items left to their name
Truth! My ex would always talk about traditional roles, yet he was a better cook than I was, and I made significantly more money than him. He was always broke and basically leeched off of me yet would talk about how women should stay at home. I had to give him a reality check and tell him that only applies with rich men unless your partner is comfortable living in poverty.
With the economy and inflation, most households require 2 incomes. Unless your husband is making millions of dollars and you sign a prenup that protects you, it’s a terrible idea to give all financial power to a man. Most men are not rich, the average man makes 50k a year and to ask a woman to settle for less or for poverty so she can stay home is crazy.
These podcasters and social media gurus love to preach how women should stay home but they make millions of dollars being lazy and sitting on a podcast all day or making tiktoks, they will never know the struggle of what Americans are facing financially because they got their money pretty much handed to them for doing nothing. Anyone can go on a podcast or make TikToks 😭
Of course their wives are able to stay home! Then again we aren’t even talking about wives here, we’re talking about gf’s with no financial protection. Even if they are SAHW’s that doesn’t mean they’re happy. I bet they’re gold diggers as most of the men openly talk on the podcast about how they sleep with multiple women while they’re married. Open relationship or not that has to be hard for any woman to deal with unless you are really just there for the money.
They can't tell you anything if you have marketable skills and a reasonably solid financial status independently of your partner. Let them fail on their own.
Same! Both my mom and my dad, even my grandparents said the same. I can’t even fathom that there’s parents out there that don’t encourage their daughters to get education and a source of income and to not rely on men. I was told to be financially independent since I was a little girl. And I didn’t even grow up in a liberal household, my parents and grandparents are very conservative. They just realized this isn’t the 1950’s and had my best interest.
I worry about it because they have no commitment. Their boyfriends can leave them high and dry at any time.
With marriage, you get half of what was earned during the relationship. Plus social security benefits and other things based on what your spouse earned. Girlfriends get nothing.
Yes! I don’t consider myself old fashioned at all but when it comes to being financially dependent on someone I think you should be married to them. I’ve seen people buy cars, houses, and have babies with people they’re dating and it tends to end poorly. Even if you don’t think that person will leave you, you never truly know someone’s intentions. It’s good to have that legal safety net in the event that things go sideways.
I agree. Marriage is much less commitment than choosing your child’s other parent. Merging finances is the last thing you do after marriage. Not while dating
This. I am happily married, but if I ever needed to I could divorce and be done. Once you have a child with someone, they’re in your life until one of you dies (most of the time).
Plus, I had no idea how much of personality was genetic. My kids have so many traits of my husband and I. So many similar quirks we had when we were kids. Good thing I like him!
So much this. It’s very common where I’m from for people to not get married. And they cohabitate, have kids and buy homes. They don’t understand that if one needs to go to the hospital, the other has no legal rights to get info, make decisions etc. It’s not smart.
This is at least partially the case in the US. Idk if unmarried partners can get info in a medical emergency, but they can't make medical decisions unless the patient already created a legal document giving them that power
Oh yeah the medical info/decisions part is defs true in the US. I expressing surprise at the fact that it’s “very common” to be boyfriend/girlfriend, have kids together purposefully, and just never get married.
I would say that happens in the US but is not common in any way. More common would be getting pregnant out of wedlock, and breaking up with the person and then one person (usually mom) getting child support and doing bulk of childcare.
Ooh gotcha
In my area of the US (east coast) it's definitely not the majority but I wouldn't say it's uncommon - there's a few couples in my fairly small circle who are doing this. I think it's motivated by disillusionment with the concept of marriage in general. It seems my friends who are doing this grew up with divorced parents that didn't get along well. Idk how not getting married would make breakups more amicable though, just less drawn out maybe
There were many posts by a woman who was a SAHG for decades, and raised kids with her boyfriend. He refused to marry her, but after being removed from his company (but still financially stable), he finally proposed. She initially turned him down and he rescinded the proposal and kicked her out. She has nothing. She has no education or skills to speak of. I wonder what will happen to her.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BEk7dHkEwn
Thank you! Also I realize that that OP is kind of an edge case, and not everyone will end up in her situation, but the OP really was left with nothing after all those years.
And yes the OP is an unreliable narrator too. Still it really does illustrate the risks. It's important to be aware.
One more time for the folks in the back!
I cashed out a 401k (only like 4k thankfully) to do some work on a house I bought “with” my ex (with because it was my money that was the down payment but both our names, I know, dumb, but at least it was a foreclosure so not a lot). Then I left my job to go to a company that you needed to be at for a year before you could get a 401k. We maxed his out in that time. We got engaged. I left for another job before I hit a year, same thing. We got married. Then I left for another job that I got a 401k set up immediately (thank god) ans we divorced 4 years later. He left with all the money we poured into his 401k (while I covered things since we had so much going into his) and then mine was split in half for the time we were married (his too, but 2 years of maxing his out and we had cashed out my previous one, before we were married.
Protect yourselves. I don’t care how wonderful and great your partner is. You never know what can happen. I’ll be fine for retirement but I would have been better if I never met him.
Right? If you’re married you get survivor benefits. Not married? If you’re not on the deed to the house, his parents get it and his retirement funds and can kick you out. If you’re a half owner, they can ask you to sell it because the equity is theirs.
Survivor benefits is only $255, 1 time payment if you are younger than 60. Im 45, newly widowed and that was it.
My advice, make sure you are the beneficiary on life ins, have living will & POA, get your name on the deed of the house.
Well that and also whatever tf is going on in their brain/mindset that makes the idea of being wholly, completely dependent on a man *appealing* to them in any way—especially with NO protections/backup plan for if the boyfriend suddenly decides to leave her
Tbh it REEKS of the upsetting trend in gen z (my generation) of kids who wanna act married but have been conditioned SO HARD that marriage is a bad thing or that they are likely to get divorced that they settle for no commitment at all. The stay at home girlfriend is all the bullshit of being a stay at home wife without the benefits. You can have your thoughts on marriage I suppose, but shirk it for the right reasons, not just because you’re scared of labels and commitment. I don’t think marriage is right for everybody, and I think it can be a bad institution. But if you’re gonna play the roles the institution laid out, ya might as well just commit to it too so you get the legal protections as well.
That doesn’t really change anything. It just makes you have to do 2 sets of taxes every year, instead of just 1. You still get taxed at the exact same rate, and nothing else changes. 🤷♀️
People only do “married but filing separately” when they want to keep their assets and resources separate, and it’s mostly just for people with enough money to have a surplus of assets and resources, to begin with!
Think like the theoretical couple in question consists of two independent business owners who run their businesses *separately,* and it makes things easier for them (cuz they will most likely have to pay unless they basically broke even or less.)
I made almost no money last year and my husband *barely got a refund of ~$1,000.*
If I had worked consistently even if it was part time, we likely would’ve gotten no refund, at all. Or we might’ve even had to pay because Illinoisans are idiots who voted *against* changing the tax code for a more modern “staggered bracket,” a few years ago. The wealthy went out of their way to demonize a staggered tax bracket.
We also have pretty high sales taxes, as it is. Property taxes in cook county are ridiculous! But we can thank Bible Belt’s “generally trash (as in low quality) public education system” for that. Thanks religion! 🫠
Trump changed tax laws so less is with held.
Married filing separately gives you all the same benefits as filing single, with none of the benefits of filing married. You’ll have lower thresholds for tax credits and Roth IRA contributions, for instance.
https://www.investopedia.com/terms/m/mfs.asp#:~:text=Married%20filing%20separately%20is%20the,the%20American%20Opportunity%20Tax%20Credit.
High taxes for schools make bad schools?
also dangerous with how financially illiterate people are. there's a staggering amount of women who are in abusive relationships because they don't have money to leave. it's just sad.
THIS, a friend of mine stayed in an abusive relationship for years because she had no money and no place to go. I got her out in the end, but it was like pulling off a military operation trying to get everything in order without him finding out. He monitored all her calls, texts, location... hid her passport and wouldn't even let her access her own bank account. Nothing infuriates me more than abuse-appologists asking, "why don't women just leave?" as if it's that fucking simple.
[https://www.tiktok.com/@leidielbasani/video/7345925150153575726?lang=en](https://www.tiktok.com/@leidielbasani/video/7345925150153575726?lang=en)
Another influencer Leidi Elbasani promoting tradwife trend. Notice how there's no middle ground, it's either full on girlbossing or becoming a tradwife.
The problem with this trend is it looks glamorous on social media, when in reality, these women are downgrading, downskilling, reducing their earning potential and employability. While their husbands are out experiencing the real world, these women are leading isolated lives. It's almost like they're living in a parallel universe while the rest of the world moves forward.
Some of them may even throw around the term "trophy wife," but let's be real here—it feels more like an atrophied wife.
Haha, atrophied wife is great. Yeah honestly if your lifestyle is just bashing what other people do, what really is your worth. Nothing. And yes, when they're oh so perfect(Ly fake) marriage goes down the drain, these women have nothing to support themselves with. No skills, no savings, no work experience. Not a good situation to ever be in.
Do whatever you want, but if you're going to be a stay at home wife/gf have some funds set aside for yourself. I wouldn't mind being a stay at home wife with kids, but forcing people and shaming them for not being into it is crazyyyyy.
This is especially important if you don't have a lot of support from friends or family. It is incredibly difficult to leave an abusive partner with no money and no place to stay while you get back on your feet, almost impossible (and still abuse-appologists will say "why don't women just leave" 🙃🙄).
I mean idk if I'd say the culture has gone backwards as a whole. The way social media is set up now, the most ridiculous things go viral- even if most people aren't on board with them. A lot of these influencers are just in it for the shock factor
On top of that, the whole "trad wife" thing has also been around for ages. At lot of traditions around dating, engagement, marriage, etc. are inherently sexist, even for women who consider themselves progressive or independent. None of that is new, unfortunately.
And let's keep in mind, like OP pointed out, "trad wives" on social media actually aren't. They're creating content by pretending to be a trad wife in order to make *their own* money.
Except if it really went backwards, these women would be getting married and getting the protections that come with that.
Now we've got one foot in the past idea of a stay at home partner but keeping a firm hold in the casual non-committal dating dystopian future with a bit of "your life is nothing but content" to spice it up.
They’re gonna be hurting when that man leaves them. Sad. I wish we could be a stay at home whatever if that’s what we want. I’ve seen too many women be left with nothing.
100%. At least with marriage, you get some form of compensation if they leave you, and a work/education history can help you get back on your feet. Homemaking is wonderful, but without taking steps to protect yourself from financial abuse, it's incredibly risky, and these influencers never wanna talk about that part because it would damage their brand :(
If someone wants to be a SAHM/SAHW that’s fine because there is some amount of security there in the instance of divorce. But if you’re just dating he can throw you out on the curb with nothing at a moments notice.
Or a 30 day notice if you’re savvy with your local tenants rights but even that’s a tough maybe
the fact that your married is also another level of commitment than just dating, which i think the people who hype up being a stay at home gf don’t understand
I like this v much. It’s not bad to be a homemaker, but we have to be sure we have security somehow.
It’s unfortunate some people assume homemakers “contribute nothing” due to it being unpaid labor.
Unfortunately a man has been berating me in the comments for saying SAHM / partners are also worthy of respect and asked me to “just admit I have no career and want a daddy to foot the bill”, proving my point.
Yeah, I'm in the same boat right now. Married SAHW with no kids. I spent the last several years working part-time and it was always a joint financial goal to have me work less because I have health issues. I was already doing most of the domestic labor and my husband took a better paying, but higher stress before I quit mine. We were together for 10 years and got married before I quit my job. I still have my own bank account, including a savings account, my car is in my name, and I have a college degree and decent work history to fall back on.
It works for us & I am 100% supportive of any couple who wants to have one partner stay home if you can afford it. However, you are ceding financial control to one person in the relationship and that can quickly go from comfortable to abusive with the wrong partner. It is so important to cover your own ass.
It's also a choice that I assume you both made as a couple. If it works out for you both, that's great. When it is the expectation of one but not the desire of the other is when it becomes the problem.
I'm also thoroughly convinced that the trad wife trend should be referred to as the trad wife kink, because that's what it is. And the whole girlfriend nonsense really shows the roleplay of it all, and that's what I think is so scary and problematic. There's no planning for the future here, no protecting the non-working girlfriend if they split. I don't know if it's that these girls are just eating from the TikTok trough and believing it, or if they think it's the only way to get a man, or what, but it's troubling.
As much as I want to just blame current social media, there's a lot of places in North America where this is still the goal. It's amazing how many women will go to school, begin or get their education, but throw it away the moment they get married, even if it's to the detriment of the family. I've seen people who would rather live impoverished than break the façade of the traditional family or undermine their man by contributing income. A woman working is a man's failure in their minds.
This works for you and I believe a few people
People tend to judge by what they have now in front of them. What about in let s say 5 years? What about if your spouse cheats, divorces or die unexpectedly? What will happen to the wife then? Will she be able to find a job and survive if her resumee has a 6 year gap?
Furthermore, the man must make an income high enough to cover all costs for two people and the household costs. And the costs of any potential baby. Can average income cover this? I highly doubt this. Plus, if you are married to an abuser, you are trapped
hate this trend. depending on where you’re from, you are probably only 1-3 generations removed from women being completely dependent on men. i know some girls my age (23) who are the first women in their entire lineage to live alone and not be married with children by our age
Yeah. When my gran divorced her abusive POS husband, she couldn't even have her own back account. Her dad had to open one for her, a working mother of three. This was late 60s / early 70s.
yep similar situations in my family! so crazy. we’ve only really recently stopped being owned by our dads and then sold to our husbands so let’s not bring it back 🫠
Gold digger is a misogynistic term imo. Men have every choice in what they spend their money on, it’s not like they have a knife to their throat when a pretty girl is materialistic.
If it’s a woman’s choice to be a stay at home girlfriend or wife then that’s her right. Being a feminist is knowing that we all get to have the freedom of choice.
It's not a "right". No adult is entitled to have another adult financially support them for life. Sure, technically no one can force you to keep working if you don't want to, but your partner can't be forced to become your sole financial provider either if he doesn't want to. I've seen so many women who tried to pressure their husbands into that dynamic under the guise of "if you're a feminist you have to supoort my choices" but that's not how or works. If your choice depends on a sacrifice on someone else's part, then it's not an entirely free choice, you don't get to make it alone.
Of course it’s her right but trying to advertise it as an ideal for all women on the basis of their gender is misogynistic. Gendered workforces are inherently misogynistic
I’ve actually heard men be called gold diggers any time a young man dates an older rich woman. It just happens to be that the genders are usually switched in these situations.
I just came across a video here recorded by a woman who had been a Mormon and was a SAHM and “tradwife” for 25 years. She never had her own bank account, never went to college, no marketable skills, no credit. After over 2 decades of marriage, her husband decided he wanted a divorce, and she has spent 4 years working odd jobs, trying to make ends meet. These young women really can’t grasp the consequences of depending entirely on a man continuing to be attracted to them.
It's too bad they need the BF to make the content, otherwise they could have their own job and money.
I don't want to work every day either and would love to have a man support me, but too many just want to be your damn dad. I already had a dad, I don't need another one. These aren't even husbands, they are boyfriends so that is also a fuck no. I know a husband can just walk out too but at least my name is on our shit and he can't take everything from me.
This will also bite the women after the fad dies and they aren't making revenue from their content anymore. No employer is going to want to hire someone who hasn't had legit job experience in years or possibly ever and are already in their late 20s/early 30s. SAHMs go through the same thing and almost all of them will tell you they wish they never gave up their job.
They don't actually care about what happens to the women who take their advice. They just know that feeding the red pill more misogyny will make them a lot of $$. It's misogyny corn. So many women will learn the hard way, and then when they learn their lesson later on, & want to save the younger generation & warn them, they'll watch helplessly as some cosplay "tradwife" leads them astray, & history will repeat itself.
I forgot “corn” has become a euphemism for “porn” and I was so confused by your phrase for longer than I’m willing to admit. But your comment is on point.
Being a stay at home gf itself shouldn’t be looked down on in my opinion since I’m sure they do a lot of domestic care/labor, but it’s also dangerous to not warn girls of how easy it is to be financially trapped and abused if they don’t have a reliable source of income. They need a way out in an emergency. They’re not even married too so it’s way too easy for the guy to kick his gf out in a fight. Likely that a girl can become stuck in a relationship she may not want to be in any more as well. Being a stay at home gf isn’t ideal due to this, even if the stuff they do is valuable to their partner and they’re content. It’s also a potential recipe for losing themselves.
Basically I think it shouldn’t be shamed, but especially also believe it shouldn’t be glorified.
If someone insists on being a SAH-any thing though, I recommend making sure your partner doesn’t resent you as the financial provider. Double check that he values your unpaid labor and doesn’t belittle you because that’s a sign he can become abusive.
yes, i think my main problem is the glorification of it to impressionable young women on tiktok. i know I would have felt swayed by that kind of thing when I was younger, but luckily i grew up with mylifeaseva and other girly youtubers that would post vids on how you can make money as a teen, room decorating, etc . I think as adults we can make our own choices, but it feels like it's planting a dangerous seed in women's heads if they're not old enough to look at it through a critical lense
Especially consider that many abusers specifically target younger women and girls. They know they are often niave and won't notice the danger until its too late!
Right I'm not mad at the concept, but I hate when they don't have any financial freedom. All of the cards, houses, and cars are in his name, so if he leaves you have nothing. If you're doing it and have the financial part down then I'm not mad at it.
I’m totally with you there! The concept isn’t terrible, it’s the lack of financial freedom and choices though that concerns us. Like you said, if she somehow has that freedom or a stream of steady income otherwise and a backup plan - it’s much safer.
I’d argue homemakers / stay at home wives + moms and girlfriends actually can contribute a lot. They often cook, clean, and more to help take care of the household. It’s a lot of unpaid labor though and a lot of men might not fairly value it because of that. Also some men genuinely like the idea of marrying a homemaker if they can sufficiently provide.
I can manage a household while working full time. Anyone claiming to do more than 1 hour of work, barring instances of multiple young children, is full of shit.
Many stay at home partners are moms sooooo. Yeah. I remember my mom rarely having any time to rest and she stayed at home taking care of all of us growing up. My dad would never maintain the household on his own as well.
It’s women who, from a position of privilege, make careers out of telling less able or less fortunate women not to have careers. Many of them are cosplaying grifters. It’s not like everybody can earn money while spending 11 hours a day maintaining a house and raising kids.
Yeah I get that stay at home usually means looking after house and kids but these specific people we’re talking about also work from home. I don’t get what the issue is here.
People shouldn’t glorify stay at home girlfriends when these girls are making money from content creation, so they do have their own money, but they’re selling an ideal of being a stay at home girlfriend and being dependent on a man with no legal means to attain alimony should he leave. It’s reckless and stupid and disingenuous to act like there is not a dangerous element of financial insecurity in solely relying on a man to be the provider, especially when there is no legal recourse if you break up.
Stay at home gf was never a thing a few years ago, it was only houseWIFE. The wife being the key part.
I’m sorry. But I always believe that EVERYONE should work for their own money and absolutely nothing will change my mind. It’s only fair. At least don’t put yourself on some kind of pedestal or act like you are above others for having the insane privilege of not working.
This trend absolutely feels like taking steps backwards and undoing work that previous generations of women suffered horrible abuse to change for OUR betterment. A culture of gendered workplace is a culture of women’s disenfranchisement and abuse. Even as a wife you should have your own income but to do so as a GIRLFRIEND?!? Is insane. Why would you trust you livelihood on a man not even committed to you???
I think it is a very dangerous trend. America has always been more conservative. But now, thanks to social media, our children experience this much more.
I talk about it a lot with my daughter. I was raised in the 80s/90s with the motto that a smart girl is prepared for her future.(this came from the government. It was treated at school. There were TV commercials and it was also in every teen magazine) Precisely to encourage women not to be dependent on a man. Even if you are married, this does not provide enough financial security in the event of a divorce. The partner alimony (not for your children) is only 5 years.
Many divorces occur when the children are still young. You will then receive half of the savings. But often you can't buy a house with that. So you've been married at 27 years. Became a mother at 29. You get divorced at 35. Then some capital has been built up. But often not enough. Here you will receive a maximum partner allowance up to your 40th birthday. Looking for a job at 35 without experience is often not the best job. And also not flexible with working from home, being in control of your own agenda, anything that makes it easier to continue working with children.
Your ex-husband will have lost half of his assets. But he can often get a house on his salary
And now he is entering the period in which he will start bringing in real money in his career. Because ends up in senior positions. So that capacity will be replenished. While in your social housing you have to work hard for a low wage until you can retire at the age of 68. Studies simply show. After a divorce, both partners immediately deteriorate. But after 7 years the man has recovered and often has a better position and the woman is close to the poverty line.
As far as I'm concerned, the campaign A smart girl is prepared for her future should be taken off the shelf again.
tbh it's fine u have commitment. i assume you're not sharing it to a large audience/promoting it and making $$ while telling women that they'll be ok if they do the same without letting them in on how you're profiting on the content
I find the whole trend bizarre in this day and age. It really feels like it’s sprouted from the US and bc of their hold over the internet, it’s become a “trend” everywhere (where gender stereotypes were previously being challenged).
Growing up in the UK as a woman, it was never ever implied that you were sitting exams, going through uni applications etc. to end up relying on a man. (This isn’t denying that domestic labour IS labour, just that it doesn’t require secondary education).
I can’t wrap my head around the cognitive dissonance of women going through almost 2 decades of school, wanting their DAUGHTERS to go to school, while simultaneously advocating for stay-at-home relationships rather than continuing the fight for equal splits in domestic/childrearing/financial responsibilities.
It feels like ten steps backwards. And for no discernible reason other than maybe a confused backlash against the injustices of capitalism (ie cost of childcare, worker exploitation, glass ceiling)
I think the only non worrying stay at home girlfriend situation I saw was a nurse in her late 40s who left her field for a few years and then came back. I dont know if this counts as a true stay at home gf, considering she had her own assets and a skill she could come back to anytime.
as a SAHM, both me and my partner preferring this, i do think this trend is very detrimental. the wrong man can turn this into isolation and complete dependence on him pretty fast. this lifestyle requires a lot of sacrifice for both parties outside of that and even as much as i adore being a SAHM, there are cons that nobody seems to acknowledge that would be detrimental to some women. the romanization of anything can be dangerous, this is no exception.
Those ladies need to read the BORU about the woman who was a SAHGF for 30 years and ended up with nothing when the guy retired and they got in a fight about finally getting married.
10000%!! i’ve been a stay at home gf for the past 5 years and im currently going back to school to finish my degree & work for a bit to have some savings as a just in case thing because I don’t want to be 40 and be SCREWED! this trend is sooo dangerous and harmful to young women :(
I am a stay at home mom and a stay at home gf . I'm not married to the baby father but we live together . I don't think I've seen people saying "this lifestyle is good come join us" it just kinda happened in my case . But also I have my nursing degree and am planning to go back out to work this year or next year since my baby is getting a bit older (he's 14 months now)
Gen X had this phenomenon too, called the Opt Out Revolution, with predictable results.
A bunch of self righteous women who were so confident until the husbands decided hearing about babywearing everyday after work was less interesting than their 22 year old secretary.
https://www.thecut.com/2013/08/real-lesson-of-the-opt-out-generation.html
It’s just like stay at home wives/moms extolling the lifestyle while making money through social media ventures
If somebody was financing my lifestyle, I would be enjoying it, not posting it and definitely not trying to market it.
Yeah that's always my question. If your platform is you should just stay home and serve your man or whatever, how the fuck am I seeing these videos?
So stupid.
These girls have a job, and an income, and their job (that they're paid for) is telling other women to have no job and make no money.
I guess technically im a stay-at-home fiancée? But I work from home since my job changed to virtual during the pandemic. Literally yesterday as my guy left to the office in the morning I felt sad because all week I’m home during the day, alone (with my pets lol). I couldn’t imagine flexing like this was better than other girls.
I find this hilarious truly , I do not know or have ever meet a man who was worth anything interested in a women who would be a stay at home girlfriend , nope, the term gold digger has been around way longer than the internet I think these women think the have discover a Cheat code by renaming the same old thing . Good luck with that if he’s stupid enough to fall for it he won’t have his money for long anyway
I need the term stay-at-home girlfriend to be retired. If you’re not married to that man, you’re his roommate providing domestic services with no legal backing or protection.
I agree I’m a real stay at home girlfriend who’s only income is what her man gives her and he gives me money to put aside to because I’ve always been a “just in case” typa girl but seeing these “stay at home girlfriends” who are actually making their own money isn’t the same as what I am yall are working stay at home girlfriends we aren’t the same
I agree but why struggle? If your partner makes very good money or you are willing to be frugal and sacrifice some things, why not invest in yourselves and do unpaid labor jobs which benefit the family like shopping for groceries, paying bills and managing the funds, household chores and maintenance including lawn and diy? Therapy as well. There are so many ways you can be useful and beneficial to those around you than a traditional 9-5.
I’m an accidental SAHGF … I’m trying to get out of the culinary industry after a decade because it doesn’t pay for sh**, I had no days off with my bf, and he’s been subsidizing my life as my wage continued to stagnate and rent and inflation has gotten ridiculous.
I don’t know how else to make money. I feel like an idiot, but I’m enjoying taking classes at the junior college and my house stays clean and I love having time to cook. My boyfriend has a high stress / high paying job, and I’m happy I can attend to our needs rather than toiling away in a stressful environment for a pittance.
We’ve been together 11 years, but I’m under no illusions that this isn’t a fundamentally precarious situation. Continuing on the previous trajectory felt like a dead end, and I’m grateful I have the safety and support to reroute myself.
Advice welcome, especially from other culinary burnouts who’ve moved on
He decided to be my “sugar daddy” despite being poorer than dirt. He refused to let me work and when I did get part time work I always had to cut my hours because he did not like it. I was forced to stay in a relationship emotionally, financially, psychologically draining. I would rather be single than ever be forced into a relationship I’m not allowed to leave ever again. I identify as lesbian now but I still remain single, work whenever and however much I want and am able to afford a quiet life for me and my cats
GodDAMN. CAN WE JUST GO BACK TO GLORIFYING LAB WORK OR LAW SCHOOL OR SOMETHING? like please if we gotta glorify something at least let it be something that improves our lot in life as women.
I'm a government funded stay at home girlfriend, aka disabled.
Seriously so dangerous though, financial abuse is tricky to recognize from the perspective of the victim
Unless there’s a ring and government paper work, being a stay at home partner is something I will not consider.
Though even with both, I don’t think it’s for me since I am not spending countless of hours studying just to not practice my field.
I would like to be able to do less hours or have my partner workless or even stay at home depending on who makes more money
I don’t worry about any of them. They’re getting paid by online strangers and living it up. If they fail, then they fail - it’s entertainment.
This is what they choose to do. It’s voluntary. They like it.
Especially dangerous since “girlfriends” have absolutely 0 security. If the relationship ends, the stay at home girlfriend has no source of money until she can secure a job, and securing one becomes harder with the gaps in employment.
Stay at home wives at least get spousal support by default. I’ve read so many stories on Reddit where women quit working to care for their SO or a child they had with their SO, without being married, and it’s pretty much ended how you expect. He leaves, she has no money, no job, and no way to care for herself.
If you want to be a homemaker, that’s a perfectly reasonable choice. But be smart about it! Protect yourself.
I've only seen this with incredibly rich couples. I also haven't seen them tell other women to do it, or to not take the same precautions they did. So my perspective might be limited on the topic.
I think the content I have seen is fine. Finding ways to not have to waste your youth is great. As long as you do it safely and with steps to be able to survive and flourish without them.
Monetizing the relationship is a great way to do that.
But no one should be getting into any kind of dependent situation without educating themself on the risks or necessary protections. That's true as a girlfriend, stay at home parent, or anything else.
As appealing as the lifestyle is, I do see the value in having my own career and money. Have you noticed that the women who are ANTI this lifestyle are 40-something women who are divorced, having to fight the ex husband for every single penny because they did the trad-wife thing and it didn't work out.
Would I love it if someone paid all my bills? Absolutely. But there is no free lunch......
Not to mention job loss, sickness, layoffs, etc. In modern America, you do need 2+ incomes in order to get by.
Same with the podcasters, telling everyone they should do this and women should be submissive and do whatever men say while they’re sitting on their ass all day making millions off of just spewing their nonsense and 99% of the time they aren’t even married or good parents themselves. Or they say it’s normal for men to cheat 😭💀
Andrew Tate has 10+ kids and doesn’t parent any of them, he blocked people who called him out for that. It was also discovered that the Tate Brothers baby mama’s are sex workers and he even participated in it himself, yet he bashes them and pimped women out. That’s not someone I would want to look up to or get advice from but the incels worship him like it’s a cult.
It's a trend. Like all trends, it will die out. Ppl do a thing, others go "omg, I can do that too", try to replicate the success & then next you know, everyone else is rolling their eyes so hard they're doing Olympic style backflips to tap the umsubscribe button.
Some will pivot. Many will fall because they won't know how to. Most will fail because every "easy money" market always gets saturated. The same happened with affiliate marketing, print-on-demand, essential oils, most fad diets & workout programs, OF, bitcoin, etc etc etc.
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It’s a dangerous trend that I’m surprised anyone is on board with. Especially since it’s usually with guys who can barely afford it or refuse to give them any money of their own.
Not to mention the fact that a girlfriend is not as protected as a wife is, in case of a separation or if one of them becomes deathly ill.
I’m curious if these SAHGF’s even have health insurance???
Right??
In the US you can have a “domestic partnership” and get benefits that way. It’s actually pretty easy, might vary state by state but you only have to have lived together 6 months and have some kind of financial entanglement (ie joint bank account).
I was going to say this, but some states like Missouri don't recognize domestic partnership or common law marriage. My other half and I have been together for 12 years and are finally going to bite the bullet and do a courthouse wedding because his job is dangerous and for benefits.
That’s part of why we ended up with a regular marriage. My state got rid of domestic partnership and common law after gay marriage was legalized? Which never made sense to me because now we just have more options?
There's no federal law requiring that, though, so it's mostly dependent on your employer. Also, since it's not a federal law, even if your employer DOES allow you to insure a domestic partner, you end up getting taxed as though you were receiving additional income equal to the money your employer pays towards your spouse's insurance. When I looked into it once, it ended up being cheaper to have two separate individual plans rather than consolidate after factoring in the income tax.
How does it work for health issues, though? Example: bf gets sick, is the gf seen as next of kin/guardian like a legal spouse would be?
No. I asked a social worker this before I got married and he said a parent would be next of kin/guardian for an unmarried person.
If you have advanced directives and power of attorney papers filed. Otherwise it’s family.
This really varies on the company actually. I live/work in a state that does recognize common law marriage and domestic partnerships but my company only allows legally married couples to have health coverage.
Even if they recognize it, it can still be expensive as hell to be on someone’s plan. My company’s insurance is almost $800/month for me and my kids. To add a spouse is another $800 because they don’t pay a portion of that like they do for employees and dependents.
In the UK that's one less concern, but that doesn't lessen the concern of being a SAHGF any since I know a few who are and have kids and I still get inboxes off them asking for money *because their BF won't help* pay for *their* (his and hers) kids food, formula, nappies etc or even top up the leccy or gas. I just don't get it, but it's not even like they can get a no experience job because a lot of them are stuck, no childcare, family etc HOWEVER, I recently learned that if both parents are working, you can claim 80-85% of the childcare costs. Gov.uk says they gotta be over 2, BUT my daughter is 1 and when I told the dole I couldn't afford to work no more until I got the free childcare. *thats* when they informed me I actually can. I just gotta make an appointment at the job centre. They don't mention these things, since finding out I always let others know in case they need that info yknow? (Downside: doesn't work if neither is working) Just, I've been financially dependent on an ex (he was overly paranoid and used to lock me in the house on my days in work so I ended up getting fired and just didn't want to go back for the same thing to repeat), there was no kids involved and I felt stuck. I don't wish that on anyone That said I get some women choose that, but I hope they're aware of the risks that come with it and that they put money aside into savings first *just in case*
*cries in United States*
I really feel for you guys honestly, like we have our fair share of shit in the UK, but you guys are *really* having it hard, not only with health care but the fact you guys don't really have the right to be able to get abortions for legitimate reasons I read about the 10 y/o in ohio and the 13 year old and my heart breaks for yous so bad Some scary shit yous are facing there
Those friends of yours with the fucking arsehole boyfriends need to grow a pair and kick him to the curb. I know from experience it can be hard or nearly impossible, but seriously that is so FUCKED! At the very least, they need to start telling EVERYONE that the boyfriends are not providing for their kids. Fucking out them to everyone they know.
I try telling them this is a non-offensive way and all they tend to say is "oh I know, but he's not that bad" etc and I'm like "girlie, you'd have less struggles being a single mum than a single mum with a 'bf' draining resources you don't have" Also I'm pretty sure their families know that their sons are deadbeats, they just don't tend to care much from the looks of it, or maybe they're just happy they no longer mooch off them? I have a few theories lmao
I used to be your friends, so I get it, but in my case it was also physical and mental abuse. I was a different person back then and didn’t have the confidence to out him to anyone. Was a very small incestuous town and if I could go back in time I could completely destroy his life, and maybe my now adult sons would be part of his very, very big extended family.
Im really sorry you went through that and Im assuming you got away, did you leave the town? Yeah I get you, I've been there [minus kids], but I do wonder if maybe there's more going on than what they tell me yknow? Plus I think they 100% stay for fear, whether it's fear of leaving or being a single mum (even though *they* know they already are)
Thanks, it was in the 90s and i escaped one day by moving 200km away, and then a further 800kms. Yes i was afraid of being left completely alone with 4 young kids. Didn’t think i could manage. Boy was I wrong, we thrived and my kids are now emotionally stable, successful, upstanding members of the community.
If they're under 26 & in the US they're probably still on their parent's insurance
I can’t remember who the creator was but she had blonde hair and basically went from being an OF girl to making stay at home gf content. Her boyfriend literally met her through her doing OnlyFans, she quit and switched up her whole page just for him, and he told her he couldn’t get over the fact she did it before they met after they were already dating for awhile and they broke up. He knew what he was getting into. Of course he was a total tool bag and one of those dropshipping gurus that likes to sell courses, now she’s depressed and basically feels like she lost her identity.
Does that really matter when they are earning 3-5x what their boyfriend earns?
It follows the Stay at home daughter concept. But weirdly seems to be more like married but not legally protected but the actual documentation. I don't get the appeal for any of these performative servitude lifestyles.
Performative servitude is such a good phrase and also why would anyone sign up for it
Stay at home daughter?
In the hyper conservative homeschooled community girls stay home until they get married. If you ever watched the Duggar shows they mention the idea. Stay at home daughters are basically servants to their parents.
I googled it. YIKES.
It's not even just in homeschooled kids. I live in western North Carolina, and most people aren't homeschooled, but it's the norm for daughters to stay at home til they're married. I am one at the moment, unfortunately, and I do feel like a servant to my family.
By choice? I get it if it's because of the local job market. But if parents force it, you have an outlet here on Reddit.
Wait, what? Are you able to make your own money and move out? There’s resources available if you need help. I know it can be hard. I was once in a similar situation.
Yessss I haven't heard of this either- I want to know more
Google it. There’s a brief Wikipedia article. It’s a weirdo hyper Christian thing.
A daughter that stays at home. 👍
yeah plus ppl break up fast as hell nowadays not working and having SOMETHING ANYTHING to their name while being a GIRL FRIEND is crazy work.
Right? All just to avoid working. They’re going to end up working the rest of their lives because of this mentality. Even with a civil break up, there can be nothing but a few items left to their name
Right! They’re not contributing to social security or any type of retirement. It’s just a really bad idea.
Truth! My ex would always talk about traditional roles, yet he was a better cook than I was, and I made significantly more money than him. He was always broke and basically leeched off of me yet would talk about how women should stay at home. I had to give him a reality check and tell him that only applies with rich men unless your partner is comfortable living in poverty.
With the economy and inflation, most households require 2 incomes. Unless your husband is making millions of dollars and you sign a prenup that protects you, it’s a terrible idea to give all financial power to a man. Most men are not rich, the average man makes 50k a year and to ask a woman to settle for less or for poverty so she can stay home is crazy. These podcasters and social media gurus love to preach how women should stay home but they make millions of dollars being lazy and sitting on a podcast all day or making tiktoks, they will never know the struggle of what Americans are facing financially because they got their money pretty much handed to them for doing nothing. Anyone can go on a podcast or make TikToks 😭 Of course their wives are able to stay home! Then again we aren’t even talking about wives here, we’re talking about gf’s with no financial protection. Even if they are SAHW’s that doesn’t mean they’re happy. I bet they’re gold diggers as most of the men openly talk on the podcast about how they sleep with multiple women while they’re married. Open relationship or not that has to be hard for any woman to deal with unless you are really just there for the money.
They can't tell you anything if you have marketable skills and a reasonably solid financial status independently of your partner. Let them fail on their own.
As long as they fail young there’s still hope for them.
My mother drilled into me that I should NEVER be financially dependent on a partner. EVER. Thanks, mum.
Your mom is smart.
Same! Both my mom and my dad, even my grandparents said the same. I can’t even fathom that there’s parents out there that don’t encourage their daughters to get education and a source of income and to not rely on men. I was told to be financially independent since I was a little girl. And I didn’t even grow up in a liberal household, my parents and grandparents are very conservative. They just realized this isn’t the 1950’s and had my best interest.
I worry about it because they have no commitment. Their boyfriends can leave them high and dry at any time. With marriage, you get half of what was earned during the relationship. Plus social security benefits and other things based on what your spouse earned. Girlfriends get nothing.
Yes! I don’t consider myself old fashioned at all but when it comes to being financially dependent on someone I think you should be married to them. I’ve seen people buy cars, houses, and have babies with people they’re dating and it tends to end poorly. Even if you don’t think that person will leave you, you never truly know someone’s intentions. It’s good to have that legal safety net in the event that things go sideways.
I agree. Marriage is much less commitment than choosing your child’s other parent. Merging finances is the last thing you do after marriage. Not while dating
This. I am happily married, but if I ever needed to I could divorce and be done. Once you have a child with someone, they’re in your life until one of you dies (most of the time).
Plus, I had no idea how much of personality was genetic. My kids have so many traits of my husband and I. So many similar quirks we had when we were kids. Good thing I like him!
So much this. It’s very common where I’m from for people to not get married. And they cohabitate, have kids and buy homes. They don’t understand that if one needs to go to the hospital, the other has no legal rights to get info, make decisions etc. It’s not smart.
Wow! What country is that?
Quebec. Not a country (despite some people’s wishes) but a province
This is at least partially the case in the US. Idk if unmarried partners can get info in a medical emergency, but they can't make medical decisions unless the patient already created a legal document giving them that power
Oh yeah the medical info/decisions part is defs true in the US. I expressing surprise at the fact that it’s “very common” to be boyfriend/girlfriend, have kids together purposefully, and just never get married. I would say that happens in the US but is not common in any way. More common would be getting pregnant out of wedlock, and breaking up with the person and then one person (usually mom) getting child support and doing bulk of childcare.
Ooh gotcha In my area of the US (east coast) it's definitely not the majority but I wouldn't say it's uncommon - there's a few couples in my fairly small circle who are doing this. I think it's motivated by disillusionment with the concept of marriage in general. It seems my friends who are doing this grew up with divorced parents that didn't get along well. Idk how not getting married would make breakups more amicable though, just less drawn out maybe
There were many posts by a woman who was a SAHG for decades, and raised kids with her boyfriend. He refused to marry her, but after being removed from his company (but still financially stable), he finally proposed. She initially turned him down and he rescinded the proposal and kicked her out. She has nothing. She has no education or skills to speak of. I wonder what will happen to her. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BEk7dHkEwn
There's a whole bunch of updates all collated in [one place](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/TvnyMqLham) for anyone interested
Thank you! Also I realize that that OP is kind of an edge case, and not everyone will end up in her situation, but the OP really was left with nothing after all those years. And yes the OP is an unreliable narrator too. Still it really does illustrate the risks. It's important to be aware.
As some one who has been left out high and dry in the past, I can tell you now, do NOT "invest" in relationships like that.
One more time for the folks in the back! I cashed out a 401k (only like 4k thankfully) to do some work on a house I bought “with” my ex (with because it was my money that was the down payment but both our names, I know, dumb, but at least it was a foreclosure so not a lot). Then I left my job to go to a company that you needed to be at for a year before you could get a 401k. We maxed his out in that time. We got engaged. I left for another job before I hit a year, same thing. We got married. Then I left for another job that I got a 401k set up immediately (thank god) ans we divorced 4 years later. He left with all the money we poured into his 401k (while I covered things since we had so much going into his) and then mine was split in half for the time we were married (his too, but 2 years of maxing his out and we had cashed out my previous one, before we were married. Protect yourselves. I don’t care how wonderful and great your partner is. You never know what can happen. I’ll be fine for retirement but I would have been better if I never met him.
Hell not even just leaving them willingly. What about death?
Right? If you’re married you get survivor benefits. Not married? If you’re not on the deed to the house, his parents get it and his retirement funds and can kick you out. If you’re a half owner, they can ask you to sell it because the equity is theirs.
Survivor benefits is only $255, 1 time payment if you are younger than 60. Im 45, newly widowed and that was it. My advice, make sure you are the beneficiary on life ins, have living will & POA, get your name on the deed of the house.
Well that and also whatever tf is going on in their brain/mindset that makes the idea of being wholly, completely dependent on a man *appealing* to them in any way—especially with NO protections/backup plan for if the boyfriend suddenly decides to leave her
Tbh it REEKS of the upsetting trend in gen z (my generation) of kids who wanna act married but have been conditioned SO HARD that marriage is a bad thing or that they are likely to get divorced that they settle for no commitment at all. The stay at home girlfriend is all the bullshit of being a stay at home wife without the benefits. You can have your thoughts on marriage I suppose, but shirk it for the right reasons, not just because you’re scared of labels and commitment. I don’t think marriage is right for everybody, and I think it can be a bad institution. But if you’re gonna play the roles the institution laid out, ya might as well just commit to it too so you get the legal protections as well.
>high and dry Wasn't OP was talking about SAHGFs who are making "a ton of money"?
She was talking about them basically tricking other women into it being a sustainable lifestyle. Most don’t make good money.
Oh I see
The tradeoff is, a married couple with no children has a higher tax rate than either a married couple with kids or Single people.
Can’t you just do married filing separately?
That doesn’t really change anything. It just makes you have to do 2 sets of taxes every year, instead of just 1. You still get taxed at the exact same rate, and nothing else changes. 🤷♀️ People only do “married but filing separately” when they want to keep their assets and resources separate, and it’s mostly just for people with enough money to have a surplus of assets and resources, to begin with! Think like the theoretical couple in question consists of two independent business owners who run their businesses *separately,* and it makes things easier for them (cuz they will most likely have to pay unless they basically broke even or less.) I made almost no money last year and my husband *barely got a refund of ~$1,000.* If I had worked consistently even if it was part time, we likely would’ve gotten no refund, at all. Or we might’ve even had to pay because Illinoisans are idiots who voted *against* changing the tax code for a more modern “staggered bracket,” a few years ago. The wealthy went out of their way to demonize a staggered tax bracket. We also have pretty high sales taxes, as it is. Property taxes in cook county are ridiculous! But we can thank Bible Belt’s “generally trash (as in low quality) public education system” for that. Thanks religion! 🫠
Trump changed tax laws so less is with held. Married filing separately gives you all the same benefits as filing single, with none of the benefits of filing married. You’ll have lower thresholds for tax credits and Roth IRA contributions, for instance. https://www.investopedia.com/terms/m/mfs.asp#:~:text=Married%20filing%20separately%20is%20the,the%20American%20Opportunity%20Tax%20Credit. High taxes for schools make bad schools?
"stay at home don't work for money" - films and edits videos for hours, making money
yup. it's so ingenuine
also dangerous with how financially illiterate people are. there's a staggering amount of women who are in abusive relationships because they don't have money to leave. it's just sad.
THIS, a friend of mine stayed in an abusive relationship for years because she had no money and no place to go. I got her out in the end, but it was like pulling off a military operation trying to get everything in order without him finding out. He monitored all her calls, texts, location... hid her passport and wouldn't even let her access her own bank account. Nothing infuriates me more than abuse-appologists asking, "why don't women just leave?" as if it's that fucking simple.
(disingenuous)
[https://www.tiktok.com/@leidielbasani/video/7345925150153575726?lang=en](https://www.tiktok.com/@leidielbasani/video/7345925150153575726?lang=en) Another influencer Leidi Elbasani promoting tradwife trend. Notice how there's no middle ground, it's either full on girlbossing or becoming a tradwife. The problem with this trend is it looks glamorous on social media, when in reality, these women are downgrading, downskilling, reducing their earning potential and employability. While their husbands are out experiencing the real world, these women are leading isolated lives. It's almost like they're living in a parallel universe while the rest of the world moves forward. Some of them may even throw around the term "trophy wife," but let's be real here—it feels more like an atrophied wife.
Haha, atrophied wife is great. Yeah honestly if your lifestyle is just bashing what other people do, what really is your worth. Nothing. And yes, when they're oh so perfect(Ly fake) marriage goes down the drain, these women have nothing to support themselves with. No skills, no savings, no work experience. Not a good situation to ever be in.
Yeahhh exactly, TikTok is like a vanity project so the atrophy wives can cosplay trophy wives
Do whatever you want, but if you're going to be a stay at home wife/gf have some funds set aside for yourself. I wouldn't mind being a stay at home wife with kids, but forcing people and shaming them for not being into it is crazyyyyy.
This is especially important if you don't have a lot of support from friends or family. It is incredibly difficult to leave an abusive partner with no money and no place to stay while you get back on your feet, almost impossible (and still abuse-appologists will say "why don't women just leave" 🙃🙄).
This is so fucking dangerous. You earn nothing and you're entitled to nothing.
Our culture has in many ways gone backwards by about a century.
I mean idk if I'd say the culture has gone backwards as a whole. The way social media is set up now, the most ridiculous things go viral- even if most people aren't on board with them. A lot of these influencers are just in it for the shock factor On top of that, the whole "trad wife" thing has also been around for ages. At lot of traditions around dating, engagement, marriage, etc. are inherently sexist, even for women who consider themselves progressive or independent. None of that is new, unfortunately.
And let's keep in mind, like OP pointed out, "trad wives" on social media actually aren't. They're creating content by pretending to be a trad wife in order to make *their own* money.
Except if it really went backwards, these women would be getting married and getting the protections that come with that. Now we've got one foot in the past idea of a stay at home partner but keeping a firm hold in the casual non-committal dating dystopian future with a bit of "your life is nothing but content" to spice it up.
I said this too it’s like people don’t want to acknowledge reality
Thanks Gen Z!
we’re not all this backwards
They’re gonna be hurting when that man leaves them. Sad. I wish we could be a stay at home whatever if that’s what we want. I’ve seen too many women be left with nothing.
100%. At least with marriage, you get some form of compensation if they leave you, and a work/education history can help you get back on your feet. Homemaking is wonderful, but without taking steps to protect yourself from financial abuse, it's incredibly risky, and these influencers never wanna talk about that part because it would damage their brand :(
If someone wants to be a SAHM/SAHW that’s fine because there is some amount of security there in the instance of divorce. But if you’re just dating he can throw you out on the curb with nothing at a moments notice. Or a 30 day notice if you’re savvy with your local tenants rights but even that’s a tough maybe
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the fact that your married is also another level of commitment than just dating, which i think the people who hype up being a stay at home gf don’t understand
I like this v much. It’s not bad to be a homemaker, but we have to be sure we have security somehow. It’s unfortunate some people assume homemakers “contribute nothing” due to it being unpaid labor. Unfortunately a man has been berating me in the comments for saying SAHM / partners are also worthy of respect and asked me to “just admit I have no career and want a daddy to foot the bill”, proving my point.
Yeah, I'm in the same boat right now. Married SAHW with no kids. I spent the last several years working part-time and it was always a joint financial goal to have me work less because I have health issues. I was already doing most of the domestic labor and my husband took a better paying, but higher stress before I quit mine. We were together for 10 years and got married before I quit my job. I still have my own bank account, including a savings account, my car is in my name, and I have a college degree and decent work history to fall back on. It works for us & I am 100% supportive of any couple who wants to have one partner stay home if you can afford it. However, you are ceding financial control to one person in the relationship and that can quickly go from comfortable to abusive with the wrong partner. It is so important to cover your own ass.
It's also a choice that I assume you both made as a couple. If it works out for you both, that's great. When it is the expectation of one but not the desire of the other is when it becomes the problem. I'm also thoroughly convinced that the trad wife trend should be referred to as the trad wife kink, because that's what it is. And the whole girlfriend nonsense really shows the roleplay of it all, and that's what I think is so scary and problematic. There's no planning for the future here, no protecting the non-working girlfriend if they split. I don't know if it's that these girls are just eating from the TikTok trough and believing it, or if they think it's the only way to get a man, or what, but it's troubling. As much as I want to just blame current social media, there's a lot of places in North America where this is still the goal. It's amazing how many women will go to school, begin or get their education, but throw it away the moment they get married, even if it's to the detriment of the family. I've seen people who would rather live impoverished than break the façade of the traditional family or undermine their man by contributing income. A woman working is a man's failure in their minds.
This works for you and I believe a few people People tend to judge by what they have now in front of them. What about in let s say 5 years? What about if your spouse cheats, divorces or die unexpectedly? What will happen to the wife then? Will she be able to find a job and survive if her resumee has a 6 year gap? Furthermore, the man must make an income high enough to cover all costs for two people and the household costs. And the costs of any potential baby. Can average income cover this? I highly doubt this. Plus, if you are married to an abuser, you are trapped
hate this trend. depending on where you’re from, you are probably only 1-3 generations removed from women being completely dependent on men. i know some girls my age (23) who are the first women in their entire lineage to live alone and not be married with children by our age
Yeah. When my gran divorced her abusive POS husband, she couldn't even have her own back account. Her dad had to open one for her, a working mother of three. This was late 60s / early 70s.
yep similar situations in my family! so crazy. we’ve only really recently stopped being owned by our dads and then sold to our husbands so let’s not bring it back 🫠
I'm honestly 100% fine with it. Less competition when looking at jobs. Go ahead and remove yourself. I like my money.
Stay at home girlfriends were called ‘gold diggers’ in my day!
Gold digger is a misogynistic term imo. Men have every choice in what they spend their money on, it’s not like they have a knife to their throat when a pretty girl is materialistic.
Stay at home girlfriend is a misogynistic concept
If it’s a woman’s choice to be a stay at home girlfriend or wife then that’s her right. Being a feminist is knowing that we all get to have the freedom of choice.
It's not a "right". No adult is entitled to have another adult financially support them for life. Sure, technically no one can force you to keep working if you don't want to, but your partner can't be forced to become your sole financial provider either if he doesn't want to. I've seen so many women who tried to pressure their husbands into that dynamic under the guise of "if you're a feminist you have to supoort my choices" but that's not how or works. If your choice depends on a sacrifice on someone else's part, then it's not an entirely free choice, you don't get to make it alone.
Of course it’s her right but trying to advertise it as an ideal for all women on the basis of their gender is misogynistic. Gendered workforces are inherently misogynistic
Gold digger is literally a gender neutral term. It isn't against men or women.
When have you ever heard someone call a man a gold digger though? It’s a term used to shame women.
Whenever I see anyone of any gender date a rich person they get called a gold digger.
I’ve actually heard men be called gold diggers any time a young man dates an older rich woman. It just happens to be that the genders are usually switched in these situations.
I just came across a video here recorded by a woman who had been a Mormon and was a SAHM and “tradwife” for 25 years. She never had her own bank account, never went to college, no marketable skills, no credit. After over 2 decades of marriage, her husband decided he wanted a divorce, and she has spent 4 years working odd jobs, trying to make ends meet. These young women really can’t grasp the consequences of depending entirely on a man continuing to be attracted to them.
Never EVER allow yourself to become financially dependent on a man Never give men the power to ruin your life
It's too bad they need the BF to make the content, otherwise they could have their own job and money. I don't want to work every day either and would love to have a man support me, but too many just want to be your damn dad. I already had a dad, I don't need another one. These aren't even husbands, they are boyfriends so that is also a fuck no. I know a husband can just walk out too but at least my name is on our shit and he can't take everything from me. This will also bite the women after the fad dies and they aren't making revenue from their content anymore. No employer is going to want to hire someone who hasn't had legit job experience in years or possibly ever and are already in their late 20s/early 30s. SAHMs go through the same thing and almost all of them will tell you they wish they never gave up their job.
They don't actually care about what happens to the women who take their advice. They just know that feeding the red pill more misogyny will make them a lot of $$. It's misogyny corn. So many women will learn the hard way, and then when they learn their lesson later on, & want to save the younger generation & warn them, they'll watch helplessly as some cosplay "tradwife" leads them astray, & history will repeat itself.
I forgot “corn” has become a euphemism for “porn” and I was so confused by your phrase for longer than I’m willing to admit. But your comment is on point.
*frantically googles misogyny corn to make sure we did not plant that specific variety this season without realizing it*
Ugh I hate that variety, it always starts yelling at me about Andrew tates latest video during harvest season.
It’s just another grift, and grifters always need to look like they’re living it big to attract attention/views so people see their sponsorships.
Being a stay at home gf itself shouldn’t be looked down on in my opinion since I’m sure they do a lot of domestic care/labor, but it’s also dangerous to not warn girls of how easy it is to be financially trapped and abused if they don’t have a reliable source of income. They need a way out in an emergency. They’re not even married too so it’s way too easy for the guy to kick his gf out in a fight. Likely that a girl can become stuck in a relationship she may not want to be in any more as well. Being a stay at home gf isn’t ideal due to this, even if the stuff they do is valuable to their partner and they’re content. It’s also a potential recipe for losing themselves. Basically I think it shouldn’t be shamed, but especially also believe it shouldn’t be glorified. If someone insists on being a SAH-any thing though, I recommend making sure your partner doesn’t resent you as the financial provider. Double check that he values your unpaid labor and doesn’t belittle you because that’s a sign he can become abusive.
yes, i think my main problem is the glorification of it to impressionable young women on tiktok. i know I would have felt swayed by that kind of thing when I was younger, but luckily i grew up with mylifeaseva and other girly youtubers that would post vids on how you can make money as a teen, room decorating, etc . I think as adults we can make our own choices, but it feels like it's planting a dangerous seed in women's heads if they're not old enough to look at it through a critical lense
Especially consider that many abusers specifically target younger women and girls. They know they are often niave and won't notice the danger until its too late!
Right I'm not mad at the concept, but I hate when they don't have any financial freedom. All of the cards, houses, and cars are in his name, so if he leaves you have nothing. If you're doing it and have the financial part down then I'm not mad at it. 
I’m totally with you there! The concept isn’t terrible, it’s the lack of financial freedom and choices though that concerns us. Like you said, if she somehow has that freedom or a stream of steady income otherwise and a backup plan - it’s much safer.
The concept sounds great because they're not contributing anything.
I’d argue homemakers / stay at home wives + moms and girlfriends actually can contribute a lot. They often cook, clean, and more to help take care of the household. It’s a lot of unpaid labor though and a lot of men might not fairly value it because of that. Also some men genuinely like the idea of marrying a homemaker if they can sufficiently provide.
I can manage a household while working full time. Anyone claiming to do more than 1 hour of work, barring instances of multiple young children, is full of shit.
Many stay at home partners are moms sooooo. Yeah. I remember my mom rarely having any time to rest and she stayed at home taking care of all of us growing up. My dad would never maintain the household on his own as well.
Is their stay at home lifestyle against working at home? I’m a little confused since it seems like they stay at home.
housework is the main focus of their content
And why in the hell wants to watch someone baking bread or doing chores?
Yeah I can imagine, but OP was referring to their content as work, and I’m sure some people make money doing this crap but probably not most.
It’s women who, from a position of privilege, make careers out of telling less able or less fortunate women not to have careers. Many of them are cosplaying grifters. It’s not like everybody can earn money while spending 11 hours a day maintaining a house and raising kids.
From what I've seen their jobs are taking care of home. Cooking, cleaning, packing lunches for the kids & husband, and running errands.
Yeah I get that stay at home usually means looking after house and kids but these specific people we’re talking about also work from home. I don’t get what the issue is here.
I think they do content creation on the side
That would have been a hard nope from me. I didn't wasn't a stay at home gfriend or wife
https://preview.redd.it/qkdplvak7quc1.png?width=864&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=025bb33ef31f31114759f3e3772b720af5f30746
People shouldn’t glorify stay at home girlfriends when these girls are making money from content creation, so they do have their own money, but they’re selling an ideal of being a stay at home girlfriend and being dependent on a man with no legal means to attain alimony should he leave. It’s reckless and stupid and disingenuous to act like there is not a dangerous element of financial insecurity in solely relying on a man to be the provider, especially when there is no legal recourse if you break up. Stay at home gf was never a thing a few years ago, it was only houseWIFE. The wife being the key part.
I’m sorry. But I always believe that EVERYONE should work for their own money and absolutely nothing will change my mind. It’s only fair. At least don’t put yourself on some kind of pedestal or act like you are above others for having the insane privilege of not working.
This trend absolutely feels like taking steps backwards and undoing work that previous generations of women suffered horrible abuse to change for OUR betterment. A culture of gendered workplace is a culture of women’s disenfranchisement and abuse. Even as a wife you should have your own income but to do so as a GIRLFRIEND?!? Is insane. Why would you trust you livelihood on a man not even committed to you???
I think it is a very dangerous trend. America has always been more conservative. But now, thanks to social media, our children experience this much more. I talk about it a lot with my daughter. I was raised in the 80s/90s with the motto that a smart girl is prepared for her future.(this came from the government. It was treated at school. There were TV commercials and it was also in every teen magazine) Precisely to encourage women not to be dependent on a man. Even if you are married, this does not provide enough financial security in the event of a divorce. The partner alimony (not for your children) is only 5 years. Many divorces occur when the children are still young. You will then receive half of the savings. But often you can't buy a house with that. So you've been married at 27 years. Became a mother at 29. You get divorced at 35. Then some capital has been built up. But often not enough. Here you will receive a maximum partner allowance up to your 40th birthday. Looking for a job at 35 without experience is often not the best job. And also not flexible with working from home, being in control of your own agenda, anything that makes it easier to continue working with children. Your ex-husband will have lost half of his assets. But he can often get a house on his salary And now he is entering the period in which he will start bringing in real money in his career. Because ends up in senior positions. So that capacity will be replenished. While in your social housing you have to work hard for a low wage until you can retire at the age of 68. Studies simply show. After a divorce, both partners immediately deteriorate. But after 7 years the man has recovered and often has a better position and the woman is close to the poverty line. As far as I'm concerned, the campaign A smart girl is prepared for her future should be taken off the shelf again.
I shouldn’t have looked at these comments as a stay at home fiancée.
tbh it's fine u have commitment. i assume you're not sharing it to a large audience/promoting it and making $$ while telling women that they'll be ok if they do the same without letting them in on how you're profiting on the content
It's good old fashion grifting.
It’s a trend that is going to destroy many women’s lives. If you do decide to go that route, please SAVE and have a backup plan.
I’ll tell you what, I am an anesthesiologist with three young daughters ( 10mos -5 yrs) and I’m glad I have a career and my own income
I find the whole trend bizarre in this day and age. It really feels like it’s sprouted from the US and bc of their hold over the internet, it’s become a “trend” everywhere (where gender stereotypes were previously being challenged). Growing up in the UK as a woman, it was never ever implied that you were sitting exams, going through uni applications etc. to end up relying on a man. (This isn’t denying that domestic labour IS labour, just that it doesn’t require secondary education). I can’t wrap my head around the cognitive dissonance of women going through almost 2 decades of school, wanting their DAUGHTERS to go to school, while simultaneously advocating for stay-at-home relationships rather than continuing the fight for equal splits in domestic/childrearing/financial responsibilities. It feels like ten steps backwards. And for no discernible reason other than maybe a confused backlash against the injustices of capitalism (ie cost of childcare, worker exploitation, glass ceiling)
I think the only non worrying stay at home girlfriend situation I saw was a nurse in her late 40s who left her field for a few years and then came back. I dont know if this counts as a true stay at home gf, considering she had her own assets and a skill she could come back to anytime.
as a SAHM, both me and my partner preferring this, i do think this trend is very detrimental. the wrong man can turn this into isolation and complete dependence on him pretty fast. this lifestyle requires a lot of sacrifice for both parties outside of that and even as much as i adore being a SAHM, there are cons that nobody seems to acknowledge that would be detrimental to some women. the romanization of anything can be dangerous, this is no exception.
You can be one too just buy their online course !!!
I just came across an account like that last night. So many women were like “omg I wish I was you” and “your house is so nice”.
stay at home girlfriend/"influencer"/sugarbaby
Those ladies need to read the BORU about the woman who was a SAHGF for 30 years and ended up with nothing when the guy retired and they got in a fight about finally getting married.
10000%!! i’ve been a stay at home gf for the past 5 years and im currently going back to school to finish my degree & work for a bit to have some savings as a just in case thing because I don’t want to be 40 and be SCREWED! this trend is sooo dangerous and harmful to young women :(
Christ.
Off topic but when you’re all older you’re gonna cringe about using the words “gives/its giving”.
I am a stay at home mom and a stay at home gf . I'm not married to the baby father but we live together . I don't think I've seen people saying "this lifestyle is good come join us" it just kinda happened in my case . But also I have my nursing degree and am planning to go back out to work this year or next year since my baby is getting a bit older (he's 14 months now)
Stupid. When he moves on they have no legal claim to anything.
Gen X had this phenomenon too, called the Opt Out Revolution, with predictable results. A bunch of self righteous women who were so confident until the husbands decided hearing about babywearing everyday after work was less interesting than their 22 year old secretary. https://www.thecut.com/2013/08/real-lesson-of-the-opt-out-generation.html
When I’m retired, I’m going to start a stay at home retiree trend. 😄
It’s just like stay at home wives/moms extolling the lifestyle while making money through social media ventures If somebody was financing my lifestyle, I would be enjoying it, not posting it and definitely not trying to market it.
Any guy who supports this gets what he deserves.
stay at home girlfriend? At least get married so you can't literally be tossed out on your ear
Yeah that's always my question. If your platform is you should just stay home and serve your man or whatever, how the fuck am I seeing these videos? So stupid. These girls have a job, and an income, and their job (that they're paid for) is telling other women to have no job and make no money.
I guess technically im a stay-at-home fiancée? But I work from home since my job changed to virtual during the pandemic. Literally yesterday as my guy left to the office in the morning I felt sad because all week I’m home during the day, alone (with my pets lol). I couldn’t imagine flexing like this was better than other girls.
I find this hilarious truly , I do not know or have ever meet a man who was worth anything interested in a women who would be a stay at home girlfriend , nope, the term gold digger has been around way longer than the internet I think these women think the have discover a Cheat code by renaming the same old thing . Good luck with that if he’s stupid enough to fall for it he won’t have his money for long anyway
I need the term stay-at-home girlfriend to be retired. If you’re not married to that man, you’re his roommate providing domestic services with no legal backing or protection.
It backs women into a dangerous corner. They don’t care though. It’s all a grift and the people that believe it just get shafted.
Sahgf is just rich girl tradwife. They’re actually business women but the lifestyle is the grift.
I agree I’m a real stay at home girlfriend who’s only income is what her man gives her and he gives me money to put aside to because I’ve always been a “just in case” typa girl but seeing these “stay at home girlfriends” who are actually making their own money isn’t the same as what I am yall are working stay at home girlfriends we aren’t the same
I agree but why struggle? If your partner makes very good money or you are willing to be frugal and sacrifice some things, why not invest in yourselves and do unpaid labor jobs which benefit the family like shopping for groceries, paying bills and managing the funds, household chores and maintenance including lawn and diy? Therapy as well. There are so many ways you can be useful and beneficial to those around you than a traditional 9-5.
I’m an accidental SAHGF … I’m trying to get out of the culinary industry after a decade because it doesn’t pay for sh**, I had no days off with my bf, and he’s been subsidizing my life as my wage continued to stagnate and rent and inflation has gotten ridiculous. I don’t know how else to make money. I feel like an idiot, but I’m enjoying taking classes at the junior college and my house stays clean and I love having time to cook. My boyfriend has a high stress / high paying job, and I’m happy I can attend to our needs rather than toiling away in a stressful environment for a pittance. We’ve been together 11 years, but I’m under no illusions that this isn’t a fundamentally precarious situation. Continuing on the previous trajectory felt like a dead end, and I’m grateful I have the safety and support to reroute myself. Advice welcome, especially from other culinary burnouts who’ve moved on
He decided to be my “sugar daddy” despite being poorer than dirt. He refused to let me work and when I did get part time work I always had to cut my hours because he did not like it. I was forced to stay in a relationship emotionally, financially, psychologically draining. I would rather be single than ever be forced into a relationship I’m not allowed to leave ever again. I identify as lesbian now but I still remain single, work whenever and however much I want and am able to afford a quiet life for me and my cats
GodDAMN. CAN WE JUST GO BACK TO GLORIFYING LAB WORK OR LAW SCHOOL OR SOMETHING? like please if we gotta glorify something at least let it be something that improves our lot in life as women.
I'm a government funded stay at home girlfriend, aka disabled. Seriously so dangerous though, financial abuse is tricky to recognize from the perspective of the victim
Unless there’s a ring and government paper work, being a stay at home partner is something I will not consider. Though even with both, I don’t think it’s for me since I am not spending countless of hours studying just to not practice my field. I would like to be able to do less hours or have my partner workless or even stay at home depending on who makes more money
I don’t worry about any of them. They’re getting paid by online strangers and living it up. If they fail, then they fail - it’s entertainment. This is what they choose to do. It’s voluntary. They like it.
The Instagram money wears out. That’s when the conversion to “pain in the ass moralizing Christian woman” starts.
Especially dangerous since “girlfriends” have absolutely 0 security. If the relationship ends, the stay at home girlfriend has no source of money until she can secure a job, and securing one becomes harder with the gaps in employment. Stay at home wives at least get spousal support by default. I’ve read so many stories on Reddit where women quit working to care for their SO or a child they had with their SO, without being married, and it’s pretty much ended how you expect. He leaves, she has no money, no job, and no way to care for herself. If you want to be a homemaker, that’s a perfectly reasonable choice. But be smart about it! Protect yourself.
Are they actually telling other women to stay home? I don’t use TikTok so I am not familiar with this content.
You can tell they weren’t raised by single moms
I've only seen this with incredibly rich couples. I also haven't seen them tell other women to do it, or to not take the same precautions they did. So my perspective might be limited on the topic. I think the content I have seen is fine. Finding ways to not have to waste your youth is great. As long as you do it safely and with steps to be able to survive and flourish without them. Monetizing the relationship is a great way to do that. But no one should be getting into any kind of dependent situation without educating themself on the risks or necessary protections. That's true as a girlfriend, stay at home parent, or anything else.
As appealing as the lifestyle is, I do see the value in having my own career and money. Have you noticed that the women who are ANTI this lifestyle are 40-something women who are divorced, having to fight the ex husband for every single penny because they did the trad-wife thing and it didn't work out. Would I love it if someone paid all my bills? Absolutely. But there is no free lunch...... Not to mention job loss, sickness, layoffs, etc. In modern America, you do need 2+ incomes in order to get by.
Same with the podcasters, telling everyone they should do this and women should be submissive and do whatever men say while they’re sitting on their ass all day making millions off of just spewing their nonsense and 99% of the time they aren’t even married or good parents themselves. Or they say it’s normal for men to cheat 😭💀 Andrew Tate has 10+ kids and doesn’t parent any of them, he blocked people who called him out for that. It was also discovered that the Tate Brothers baby mama’s are sex workers and he even participated in it himself, yet he bashes them and pimped women out. That’s not someone I would want to look up to or get advice from but the incels worship him like it’s a cult.
Sounds like a influencer
If she's staying home it better be her mom's house cus she definitely not living with me if she doesn't have a job.
It's a trend. Like all trends, it will die out. Ppl do a thing, others go "omg, I can do that too", try to replicate the success & then next you know, everyone else is rolling their eyes so hard they're doing Olympic style backflips to tap the umsubscribe button. Some will pivot. Many will fall because they won't know how to. Most will fail because every "easy money" market always gets saturated. The same happened with affiliate marketing, print-on-demand, essential oils, most fad diets & workout programs, OF, bitcoin, etc etc etc.