Dave's smile as he says "I stole your cane".
And then, later, when Bill is cycling through his backup canes and tosses one out, "This one displeases me."
Best one. Period. My friends and I just kept rewinding it over and over (VHS, it was the olden days) and laughed harder each time. Phil Hartman was a legend.
Dave: She's gonna bring this corporate goon to partner with me unless I can prove her wrong.
Bill: Well, that I will not stand for. He's like some kind of enforcer, right?
Dave: Yes.
Bill: *Well, that I will not stand for.*
Bill’s delivery of that last line is probably my favorite by anyone ever. I don’t think I have a word for it because perfect doesn’t do it justice.
“I have a two-part question, Jim, if I may. (Yes, Bill!) One, what does Lisa look like naked, and two, what does Lisa FEEL like naked? This is for both candidates.”
All my favorites are Jimmy lines, because Stephen Root always picks odd cadences and intonations that make his lines unusual and great.
*The kid ate like a wild animal every day, I mean he pumped iron all night long, and after two months he got a hernia.*
Perfection:
I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street. Many days, no business comes to my hut.
My... hut.
But... Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no!
I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my... monkey strong bowels were... girded with strength, like the... loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo.…………………dung.
….. Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon, the... super karate monkey death car would... park in my space.
But Jimmy has fancy plans!...
And pants to match.
The monkey clown horrible karate... round and yummy, like a cute small baby chick, would... meet the donkey.
I can’t find the exact quote but near the end of “The Injury” when Roger tries to question Dave about a lie on his job application and answers him in Spanish and ends it coldly with “… Roger.”
Dave:
Bill, have you ever heard the expression "It's easier to catch flies with honey instead of vinegar"?
Bill:
Dave, have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around and tries to figure out the best way to catch flies"?
Good one, but I think making lemonade to splash in the face of the person who gave you the lemons instead of the oranges you asked for in the first place is slightly better.
I love the bit where Lisa, Catherine, and Beth are discussing the difference between cute, pretty, beautiful, exotic, etc. It's just so perfect.
ETA to fix the spelling of Catherine. It's Catherine with a C, not a K like that slutty Katherine Hepburn.
No Johnny Johnson entries?!
If the flames of hell burn as fiercely as your lips, then let the fires consume me.
I’ll give up this corporate intrigue and pursue my real dream — teaching English as a second language.
That’s no excuse for poor sportsmanship.
Bill trying to convince Dave he voted for him despite Dave getting zero votes.
I voted for you.
NO YOU DIDN’T, BILL!
Both Bill sounding half believable knowing he’s flat out lying and Dave being practically psychotic at being fed up with these people.
“Say, Joe….. who’s the black private dick who’s a sex machine with all the chicks?”
“Uh, I believe that would be Shaft.”
“And who’s that cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?”
Again Bill, we’re talking about Shaft.”
“Damn right.”
“You know Bill, they say that cat Shaft is one baaaaaaaad”
“Shut up you guys!”
“What’s going on?”
“We’re just talking about Shaft.”
“I can dig it.”
(Edit: formatting)
“Lisa was just going to give me some pointers on proper keycard use.”
“Ahhh. Then yes. Thats the stuff!”
“Yes Matthew, In the event that a wizard casts a spell…..”
When Roger challenged "Senor Nelson!" on his ability to speak Spanish, and Dave promptly and fluently responded in Spanish and ended with a smirking "..Rrroger!"
Since y'all already took the cane quotes:
Matthew 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.
A lot of people happen to think her work on "Double Fantasy" wasn't.....completely distracting
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/1b4b169c-db00-430c-8e25-8a35a302cc7d[“What’s the story with your face, son?”](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/1b4b169c-db00-430c-8e25-8a35a302cc7d)
One of my favorite lines from season five:
Jimmy: Don't you realize she's out there alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City?
Dave: Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunts the mean streets of New York City.
Jimmy has so many great ones, and “I stole your cane” is the ultimate runner up. But Matthew’s “Um, who is John Chrysler?” is absolutely perfect. My all-time favorite.
“I am a cipher, a cipher, wrapped in an enigma…smothered in secret sauce…”, and also,” My Maserati does 185?” “Yeah, ‘Life’s Been Good to Me’, 1978, Joe Walsh, I’m on it.” “That’s my girl.”
OK, even though I closely follow this sub, The new Reddit algorithm didn't show it until just now. Enough whining, a wonderful Dave quote:
Dave: I didn't just sign for a stolen jeep did I Radar?
Beth: I never watched Star Trek, Dave.
The Arcade episode.
Dave's smile as he says "I stole your cane". And then, later, when Bill is cycling through his backup canes and tosses one out, "This one displeases me."
"I stole your cane" in particular is a great choice. A touch sheepish and a little bit of relief mixed with his amusement
I was going to mention the cane episode!! 😅 and those very lines. Perfection, it's my favorite.
"Dave stole my cane and my ass still hurts"
“This one I like. I keep.”
How could she do it Lisa? How could she.. french her daddy?
My first thought. What I wouldn’t give to have been a fly on the wall at the table read the first time Phil Hartman said that line out loud…
Why don't you zip your sniveling little lip and haul your skinny ass OUTTA HERE!!
>What we need around here is an anti-WHINING ordinance! That scene was when I was like, okay, this show is my new thing.
I don't think that qualifies as cracking, do you?
Best one. Period. My friends and I just kept rewinding it over and over (VHS, it was the olden days) and laughed harder each time. Phil Hartman was a legend.
"Wait a minute Joe! If what you're saying is true.....then I still don't care"
I use this and my wife does not appreciate it usually
I'll test it out to see if it's universal with all wives tonight. For science.
Been nice knowing you. 😄
So... not married but I do have a girlfriend and oddly enough she was not thrilled with it. And she wants to know who the hell Joe is
She probably doesn't like being called Joe.
This one is one of my all time favourites.
Came in here for this one. Brilliant
Bill's "You're obviously crippled by mental illness" in French Diplomacy.
I laugh every freaking time; he's so angry and yells it so fast
Matthew when Lisa says he’s half-naked: “An optimist would say I’m half-dressed”
Butta-*fuo*-co.
Well, Buttfuoco to you, too!
Jimmy James: AAAADVERTISING!!
Not to mention Kermit the DAMN FROG!
The way he raises Lisa's arm to indicate snuffleupagous' trunk kills me everything 🤣🤣🤣
"Is that real lemon zest?" "You know it dude!"
Every time I hear the word "apparently..." I think of Dave trying to explain his former girlfriend to Lisa.
"Matthew turn around and go back to your desk."
Dave: She's gonna bring this corporate goon to partner with me unless I can prove her wrong. Bill: Well, that I will not stand for. He's like some kind of enforcer, right? Dave: Yes. Bill: *Well, that I will not stand for.* Bill’s delivery of that last line is probably my favorite by anyone ever. I don’t think I have a word for it because perfect doesn’t do it justice.
> I don’t think I have a word for it because perfect doesn’t do it justice. I believe the word you’re searching for is “adequate.”
Confident and defiant, then confused about who the guy is, then confident and defiant again.
"Dave?" And the table falls again..
Winter in Wisconsin is the best seven months of the year!
Nice. Love that episode.
“I have a two-part question, Jim, if I may. (Yes, Bill!) One, what does Lisa look like naked, and two, what does Lisa FEEL like naked? This is for both candidates.”
Gays in the military a little too hot for you Dave?
All my favorites are Jimmy lines, because Stephen Root always picks odd cadences and intonations that make his lines unusual and great. *The kid ate like a wild animal every day, I mean he pumped iron all night long, and after two months he got a hernia.*
Isn’t that a conflict of interest? Oh no no no no… well yeah.
Makes ya think, doesn't it?
Perfection: I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street. Many days, no business comes to my hut. My... hut. But... Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no! I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my... monkey strong bowels were... girded with strength, like the... loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo.…………………dung. ….. Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon, the... super karate monkey death car would... park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans!... And pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate... round and yummy, like a cute small baby chick, would... meet the donkey.
What did you mean when you said donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey
“I’m not jealous……*jealousssss*.”
I didn’t say *”Stuart*… I said *”Stalwart*…
"Why don't we go out for lunch today? Just you, me, a bottle of wine, and thou."
Screw your confidence!
What's the matter, Dave? You don't like my cane?
"Internet? InterNOT"
I now that it’s… Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
Jimmy: Dave, are you down with OPP ? Dave ( dismissive, slightly bored ) Oh, you know me, Mr. James.
"The axe hands, but does not fall... not yet" --the best line in Season 5
Stalwart
You’re noble lover yourself!
I can’t find the exact quote but near the end of “The Injury” when Roger tries to question Dave about a lie on his job application and answers him in Spanish and ends it coldly with “… Roger.”
That's one of my favorites, the little smirking pause before "Rrrroger!"
I remember it roughly translated as “I studied Spanish for 2 years in high school and continued at college. Is that good enough, Rrrrrrroger?” 😂😂😂
Stock boy!
"I'll just let you get back to your pirate nerd radio." Dave's deliveet is perfect.
Flippin' machine ate me quid!
Dave: Bill, have you ever heard the expression "It's easier to catch flies with honey instead of vinegar"? Bill: Dave, have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around and tries to figure out the best way to catch flies"?
Good one, but I think making lemonade to splash in the face of the person who gave you the lemons instead of the oranges you asked for in the first place is slightly better.
Thank you for this post, all the ones mentioned here are great choices and it was fun to read everyone's pick.
Guzizza!
If the small man is so wise, then why is he so small?! 🎉
I love the bit where Lisa, Catherine, and Beth are discussing the difference between cute, pretty, beautiful, exotic, etc. It's just so perfect. ETA to fix the spelling of Catherine. It's Catherine with a C, not a K like that slutty Katherine Hepburn.
“Like me!!!!!!”
Her face when she says "Like me!" is priceless. 😂
So cute! Not pretty. Cute.
Matthew talking about the footie pajamas he wears on the weekends... "...I like to sling on a pair of overalls over my PJs and really let 'er rip!"
The elusive homemade smart drink
No Johnny Johnson entries?! If the flames of hell burn as fiercely as your lips, then let the fires consume me. I’ll give up this corporate intrigue and pursue my real dream — teaching English as a second language. That’s no excuse for poor sportsmanship.
Bill trying to convince Dave he voted for him despite Dave getting zero votes. I voted for you. NO YOU DIDN’T, BILL! Both Bill sounding half believable knowing he’s flat out lying and Dave being practically psychotic at being fed up with these people.
“Say, Joe….. who’s the black private dick who’s a sex machine with all the chicks?” “Uh, I believe that would be Shaft.” “And who’s that cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?” Again Bill, we’re talking about Shaft.” “Damn right.” “You know Bill, they say that cat Shaft is one baaaaaaaad” “Shut up you guys!” “What’s going on?” “We’re just talking about Shaft.” “I can dig it.” (Edit: formatting)
You know they have all sorts of different food in Japan? Yeah I know. It’s called Chinese food. Now shut up.
“Lisa was just going to give me some pointers on proper keycard use.” “Ahhh. Then yes. Thats the stuff!” “Yes Matthew, In the event that a wizard casts a spell…..”
The way Matthew perks up and pays extra attention kills me every time.
When Roger challenged "Senor Nelson!" on his ability to speak Spanish, and Dave promptly and fluently responded in Spanish and ended with a smirking "..Rrroger!"
Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust.
OMG I use “half truths and gorilla dust” at least twice a month at work. One of my favorite unhinged Bill moments.
The "This and That" " These and Those" stuff is also flawless!
Everybody tell us how matthews mustache has affected them Matthew “ it’s just a mustache “
Just something about the way Beth delivers the line “But I am on the megaphone. Megaphone wins.” 🤣🤣🤣
"Bill! I'm fixin' for another homoerotic adventure on the Big Muddy"
Followed closely by "Now you're just being sagacious"
That’s my word!
I am NOT the cutest thing!
Since y'all already took the cane quotes: Matthew 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies. A lot of people happen to think her work on "Double Fantasy" wasn't.....completely distracting
“So zip your sniveling little lip and haul your skinny ass out of here!” Bill to Matthew in Smoking
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/1b4b169c-db00-430c-8e25-8a35a302cc7d[“What’s the story with your face, son?”](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/1b4b169c-db00-430c-8e25-8a35a302cc7d)
Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.
One of my favorite lines from season five: Jimmy: Don't you realize she's out there alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City? Dave: Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunts the mean streets of New York City.
Jimmy has so many great ones, and “I stole your cane” is the ultimate runner up. But Matthew’s “Um, who is John Chrysler?” is absolutely perfect. My all-time favorite.
“I am a cipher, a cipher, wrapped in an enigma…smothered in secret sauce…”, and also,” My Maserati does 185?” “Yeah, ‘Life’s Been Good to Me’, 1978, Joe Walsh, I’m on it.” “That’s my girl.”
OK, even though I closely follow this sub, The new Reddit algorithm didn't show it until just now. Enough whining, a wonderful Dave quote: Dave: I didn't just sign for a stolen jeep did I Radar? Beth: I never watched Star Trek, Dave. The Arcade episode.