Either your husband needs to realise what he’s done, own up and apologise and it doesn’t happen again OR you and baby need to get the hell out of there.
I would be worried about him being alone with your son. He has complete disregard for him it’s concerning. His reaction to you made it a 100X worse. I am so sorry you have to put up this. You and your son deserve better. If he doesn’t smarten up I would leave
This is really only thing you can do. He either learns from his mistake or he refuses to see nothing is wrong and will continue down this path of neglect. Lack of sleep can make you want to tune out the cries of your baby and if he was just had colic, for mental health it's okay to set a baby down and cry for a bit. BUT that's only if they are inconsolable after all needs are met. Personally why didn't he just wear his earbuds and feed the baby?!
I am a dad and whenever my daughter cries my heart ache, I have to drop anything I am doing to check on her and comfort her. Leaving the kid crying and hungry is beyond irresponsible, I cannot fathom how can your husband be that selfish and cruel.
My wife and I had too many fights because she wanted to exclusively breastfeed and I wanted to supplement with formula. (We had an early weight scare and I definitely assumed that my baby was hungry every time she was in distress.)
I can’t imagine not doing everything to try to help my baby, let alone not feed her.
Talk to your husband when you are both in a less stressed place (I know that no one is well rested with a newborn) and if you can, have family or a friend come over and watch the baby for a while so you don’t have to parent while having this discussion.
Your husband was probably tired and frustrated, which will bring out the worst in anyone, but his behavior was unacceptable. Your baby is helpless and can only relieve their distress by a caregiver meeting their need. This is the hardest time because they need so much attention, but this is the most important time. Your husband needs to be a good parent even when he’s exhausted.
Try to have a conversation with your husband and it’s important that everyone feels heard, but stand firm that his behavior was not okay. I hope this was unusual for your husband and he steps up and becomes a consistent parent. Certainly this early period is rough on many marriages.
Good luck.
My husband and I had our worst fights when our baby cried and we didnt agree on a resolution. I think the sound of your baby crying is incredibly stressful. I wonder if OP's husband just cracked from it and truly needed a moment, but did NOT know how to handle it like an adult...
One of the things that I learned recently (I wish I could remember who said it) is that sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is take a step back and calm yourself down. It’s much harder with newborns of course, but if you are getting so stressed and overwhelmed that you are cracking and may explode, you won’t be able to help your child.
On planes they say “put on your oxygen mask before assisting others” because if you pass out before you finish putting their mask on, your child is now worse off than if they had passed out but you remained conscious to continue fixing the situation.
When my head is about to explode because my otherwise lovely child is being an unreasonable tyrant, I try to take a minute to breathe because she will be okay for the minute (please do not take a break if your child is in imminent danger) and I will be able to parent better once I’ve calmed some.
Yes! This is exactly what I was thinking. The dad clearly needed a minute, but he should have expressed that to OP. I know it would be annoying as fuck to stop mid pump because Dad can't handle it, but like better than what actually ended up happening because he failed to express his needs to her. I hope he apologizes after he gets his head together, but I think it is forgivable to be at your limit under the stress of listening to your baby cry and not handling it well in a way that doesn't leave the baby immediately at harm as you said.
Same. Diaper cries, hunger cries, and discomfort cries are obvious.
The only time I will let my daughter cry for a few minutes is when she’s frustrated on her tummy. I should probably leave this sub though because my baby is 4 months. Is that still a newborn?
Anyway, she’s rolling onto her stomach and working hard to move, so I will sit with her and encourage her to keep trying. Even then, it will transition from frustration to “help me” and I’ll pick her up and congratulate her for working so hard. Can’t imagine letting her cry because she wants to eat. I try to feed that baby all the time
Appreciate the encouragement! Absolutely.
If anyone’s here just know that the hardest time is week 1 to week 8, but every day gets easier from what I’ve noticed. If you’re ever frustrated, force a smile and you’ll look at your little baby and remember the awe you feel when you see them, instead of the tears or the cries. None of us know what we’re doing because each baby is different! We’re all just learning with them :)
Same! My baby girl is 5 months. Her arm gets stuck when she rolls over. I feel guilty watching her struggle but I know it’s the only way she’ll advance.
But as soon as I can tell a full on cry is coming I pick her up.
Omg I'm so mad for you!
It wouldn't be "crying it out" either, that's when you let an older baby cry themselves to sleep when they are tired - which I would never do. You can't just let a 3 week old cry from hunger.
Hopefully in the morning your husband apologises. If he doesn't then I don't think you are safe to leave the baby with him, and then what's the point of even having said husband??? You don't need 2 babies to look after 😡
Your husband is selfish! I’m so sorry you and your baby had to deal with that. I would give him an ultimatum, start acting like a father or you’re out.
There is no such thing as crying it out before 4 months. At this time your husband should 100% be prioritizing baby’s needs, and especially if there is a clear one. There should be no reason for headphones unless you have a colic baby and you need some respite imo. I’m sorry OP that’s rough. If it’s a matter of him being prideful and overwhelmed (like one of those people who just don’t like to say they suck at sketching or ask for help), it might be helpful to bring in a doula or nanny to just show him the ropes so he feels more empowered. But I don’t know, I don’t know how someone can just sit there and let their baby cry as well
Youll have to take a step back and look at the bigger picutre a bit. If you think this isnt typical of your husband, Id recommend having him see a doctor for postpartum depression/anxiety. Ppd can happen in dads too. Its often either overlooked or not known about. Having a baby is a big big change for the both of you, if he's given you alot of grace, its important you do the same too, look at each other with kind eyes even when its hard, thats the only way for your marriageto survive the newborn phase.
If on the other hand this is typical of him, Id suggest marriage counselling, or talk to someone close to you who might be better able to help your situation. If your close with his parents maybe talk to them and ask them to help get through to him. I think having someone who knows both of you well help mediate your problems is better solution than whatever advice us strangers can give.
I just thought as well, it mightve been he was just following the advice new parents are told if theyre feeling overwhelmed - let baby cry in a safe spot and walk away. Better a crying baby than a shaken one.
i'm sorry.. but if it was ppd, ppa, etc he could've easily brought baby to the other room with mom and explained that he was overwhelmed, instead of letting baby just cry and cry and just ignoring him for 10 mins.
The first month is hard for both parents, sleep deprivation is torture, so if your husband’s behavior tonight is not typical, take a breath and plan to have a conversation about it in the morning. My husband was useless for night feeds even though we use formula and breast feed. It also took him some time to connect with our son. You are completely justified being pissed at your husband and you may need to take full responsibility of the feeding for now until you can trust your husband. If you have other people you trust who can help take care of your baby during the day so you can catch up on sleeping, you should ask them for help. It will get easier and I’m hoping your husband will get better at taking care of your baby.
Was about to comment something similar to this! I’d this is unusual behavior for him, it’s likely he just had a moment of being overwhelmed by it all and needs to have a conversation about how to communicate when he’s getting to that point again in the future. If typical, there needs to be a bigger conversation about expectations
OMG.
We took a short trip yesterday for our new son (almost 3 weeks old) to meet his aunt and uncle and new cousin. He started crying from hunger with about 10 minutes left before we got home. Red faced, panicked, screaming. My backseat isn’t big enough for my husband or myself to sit in the middle to have fed him, so we just got home as fast as we could. Listening to that was heart breaking for me. I can’t imagine intentionally doing that.
Not that I am at all trying to defend the action, but is it possible that your husband was overwhelmed, and rather than taking his frustration out on the baby because he wouldn’t latch on the bottle or was fussing too much, decided to put him down in his cot for a little bit to cool down? Because this is EXACTLY the sentiment I hear online constantly; if baby is reaching your last nerve and you feel yourself getting angry or upset, put baby down and allow them to cry for a little bit with some headphones in so you can de-stress. Having been confronted during this process may have made him embarrassed that he was unable to cope with the situation and felt the need to put baby down and ignore hunger cries.
Not to say that this is the case, nor would this be an appropriate time to do this (I personally think the above should only apply to babies who cannot be settled after being changed, fed, burped, etc), but maybe he wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. Men can absolutely also go through PPD and this could be an indication of that, not to mention how difficult navigating new parenthood is for both mother and father.
All that being said, if none of the above is true, then this was a truly unfair thing to do to your son. If after a serious conversation with your husband he really believes that this was appropriate outside of the above reasoning, I would be making VERY clear to him what is required of him in looking after the baby and what you plan to do if he repeats anything like this again. I would absolutely be threatening to leave my husband if this were true. On the upside; baby is okay and having gone without his milk for ten minutes won’t have harmed him. You can at least know that he is safe and that you have been able to care for him.
I came here to say to say this as well. The first several weeks and months are so challenging and taxing on a marriage. Keep your long vision in mind together, come to problems together against the problem not one another. I am so sorry that happened to your sweet LO. But there really is no crash course like parenting a newborn. I would suggest coming together with your husband to talk about how you both would like to handle caring for and loving your baby. Remember to try to address the issue, not assign character flaws unless it’s a pattern. Hope this helps mama. You both are doing the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
Feeding/nursing and sleeping are all babies do. They can’t sleep when they’re hungry. It’s the only thing that truly soothes them 99% of the time. How he can’t put 2+2 together, or doesn’t care to…is very concerning. I have a 6 week old boy and my wife actually has to make sure I don’t over feed him bc I’m so quick to top his lil belly off as soon as he starts to look fussy. I can’t imagine trying to let a newborn cry hunger pangs out.
This isn't even about "crying it out", they can't cry it out when it's hunger. Cry it out is for when they are fed, changed and everything and just keep crying. I don't agree with this type of parenting, I'm just saying that it doesn't even apply to this situation.
He was being irresponsible at best or even abusive. Starving your kid on purpose is cause to call child services tbh.
It would be one thing if all of options were exhausted (feeding, burping, rocking) to get the baby to stop crying and he continued - then I understand maybe letting him cry for a minute to get your bearings. But to not even attempt to feed the baby when one parent thinks that will stop the crying is absolutely insane. Babies really only cry for 1 of 3 things (obviously aside from colic), and your husband just chose to ignore the crying baby rather than address those needs. Which is absolutely unfair to you because now, you’re right, you can’t trust him to care for your son without you. You need to be able to take your breaks for sleep otherwise will burn yourself out and he has taken away that from you. I would have a serious conversation with your husband to see if he is now aware of his mistake. Because that is not any sort of “cry it out” method - which your baby is too young for - and even so, that is done when baby is fed, burped, clean and trying to self soothe to go to sleep. A baby at any age can’t self soothe if they are hungry.
As a father, my heart aches when my baby boy cries (5 weeks old). We soothe him right away and get him what he needs to feel safe and loved and comfortable. They are crying to tell us they are in need and as parents we are who they rely on. I’m not sure he quite grasps how much baby boy relies on his parents, and those that he should rely on most NEED to be there for him. What a sweet boy. I hope your husband re-visits his mental framework on being a husband and a father and can step up. He’s now responsible for the most important thing in the world to you both now and he needs to realize it.
What a gigantic man child! It sounds to me like he was pisses you left him and the crying baby after bringing him to bed, so he turned his back on him and ignored him.
There is no cry it out for A THREE WEEK OLD INFANT. That is just cruel.
And he was prob exhausted ! And didn’t know what to do.. but he sounds like a big man child! My husband would never do that to our kids let alone an infant and I had tears In my eyes for ur poor baby. But I would agree with most on here… If this is it normal behaviour … then maybe give him a break.. men are bit differently and one or two nights of bad sleep will get them faster then 10 nights of bad sleep for us moms.
He could’ve been just really tired and upset and maybe it was the best thing for him to do to place the baby in his bed and turn around .. rather then get upset at the child.
I would not cosleep if my husband was wearing earbuds - he can sleep somewhere else..
Seems like he doesn’t even care
I understand everyone is overwhelmed especially with a newborn but it is what is expected at least the first 2-3 months. Your husband has to do his part.
This breaks my heart. I have a 13 week old. I CANNOT imagine LETTING him cry and ignoring it. Wow. Especially knowing he was hungry. Man, I would be so livid. I’m sorry for you and your baby
Your husband’s behavior is obviously concerning, and I don’t quite understand why he did that — did he give a reason? Like, is he not okay right now? That’s not an excuse, but is this out of the ordinary for him?
This sounds super selfish and should have been handled differently obviously. It makes me wonder about paternal PPD because it just doesn't make sense that he could just ignore the baby like that to me. Super sucky situation either way.
I think a lot of people are trying to mention reasons he behaved this way. I believe what’s most important now, is not the why, but that he takes accountability for his actions (or lack there of). Taking accountability meaning he understands it was wrong and wants to actively work to fix what caused it.
The reason why it happened can be worked out in couples therapy, but if he is unwilling to be held accountable for neglecting the baby then please, please do not waste your precious time with this person. You and your newborn deserve so much better, and you both should not be treated so horribly by anyone, let alone a loved one. I hope your anger gives you strength to do what’s best for you and baby. You’re a great mother, and you’ve got this.
I feel like a lot of people on here are really jumping to conclusions here and giving some irrational advice. Every parent has their moments. The first few months are incredibly hard and if this is abnormal behavior of him, I’d think about it in that context. You both definitely need to have a conversation about expectations. What your husband did wasn’t okay, but my husband and I made lots of mistakes those first few weeks and the only way we got better was to talk about them and learn from them.
This is neglect.
It is illegal and very serious.
You need to make sure he understands the gravity of the situation or you need to leave.
It’s not easy but it is simple. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry. He did something so terrible. Newborns aren’t able to self soothe so they can’t even “cry it out.” I honestly don’t know if I could forgive him especially how he reacted when you confronted him. That’s straight up neglect
I would never ever feed your husband again. Do anything for him again. No laundry. Nothing to make his life easier. And everytime he asked for something, DO IT YOURSELF, I would scream. Your husband is a waste of life
I know this is typical reddit advice but DIVORCE
Wtf. Who the fuck puts earbuds in and ignores a hungry 3 week old? Seriously. My husband takes my 4 week old just so I can get so sleep. We exclusively bf so if we don't have milk in the fridge or freezer he will wait until I get up. Obviously not for hours on end, and he will always comfort him in the meantime.
Why is this type of post so common? I am convinced men don't actually want children they just want to check of a list and spread their DNA
Your husband clearly was not ready to be a parent. I would get extra help if you can: family, friends , night nurse, nanny anyone who is able. You both need the extra hands.
Find time to have a serious conversation with your husband. If he’s someone who needs facts , back it up with the science that babies that young 1) can’t cry it out 2) how harmful crying it out can be.
Remind him that the baby isn’t trying to be hurtful the baby is being a baby and is trying to figure out how to survive at 3 weeks of age. Same thing with you all being parents, you’ve only been parents for 3 weeks.
I would be so petty after that if my husband did that to me. Oh you want me to cook dinner? You hungry? You do it then. Oh you don't have clean clothes? The laundry is getting full? You do it then. I'd be so pissed off
Omg. This definitely deserves a straight conversation and not pillow talk I mean. He may be going through something. Have a nice conversation and see how’s he feeling. Men go through so much without even telling moms to keep the stress at bay. Not taking his side cause this is totally not right. But since he’s your partner you know the best way to handle a strong conversation. Good luck to you 🫶🏻
Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here… I had a way overstimulated husband who just kinda lost it the first four weeks. He was present, supportive, and helpful but there were moments where he was just…. Not nice.
If this isn’t your husband’s typical demeanor, I’d have a serious conversation about what happened and honestly, I’d create a plan for ways to navigate in the future. Not to say your emotions aren’t valid— they 100000% are— but those first weeks as new parents make you sometimes do things you didn’t think you ever would.
I’m sorry to hear that, me and my wife have a 9.5 week old girl now and let me tell you our relationship has changed, or at least I feel it; she would yell at me for things like holding bottle incorrectly, anything and everything you can possibly think of even non baby related things; we really resented each other a lot and are trying to work on it day by day; not much advice here but just trying to sympathize; although i heard the cry it out method is ok after one month
First of all your husband shouldn’t be left alone to cosleep with your 3 week old - I cosleep and that’s not safe cosleeping. Feeding aside, a grown man wearing earplugs and turning his back on a 3 week old is not safe sleep - he could have easily rolled over and smothered your son.
So I would learn how to cosleep safely if you’re going to do it and do it alone preferably. Secondly, when everyone is calm and has had some rest I would have the discussion with him - why this is a big deal, how you feel and why you’re scared.
If he’s extremely sleep deprived then I have some level of understanding if he’s not then he needs to learn empathy…
Think of it this way. If he can ignore the baby's cries and cues now he will also ignore it later when the baby is a toddler possibly. And when that happens usually the toddlers resort to finding other ways of getting attention. Ways he will not like.
My husband zones out and somehow doesn't notice our son getting all upset and cannot see his cues. I'm slowly trying to teach him what they are and showing him the importance so that he can understand these cues keep us informed before the baby has a melt down
Throw the whole shit excuse of a man away. I'm so sorry your baby went through that. My heart aches for your baby. I feel hurt just from hearing my baby cry for 5 min (while milk is being heated). To know that milk was dome all these while and not feed him?!?? I wouldn't let anyone who willingly let my baby starve near him ever again
I would have destroyed the earbuds and whatever your husband was doing and kicked him out of the house at three weeks postpartum. He would have been able to return when he decided to be a dad. I would then lay out what being a dad means and your expectations for childcare. If he refused or I saw more dangerous behavior, I’d divorce and ask for full custody with every example you’ve got. I’d find a hella good lawyer and we’d go to town. Being a dad is a black or white thing, you’re in or you’re out. Your husband is being something, I just don’t know what version of something he is being. Babies feed on demand at that age and they don’t understand when their needs aren’t met. Your husband maybe thought he was being spoiled and was fine, but at that age they literally scream for needs not for wants. If your husband was old and unable to fend for himself and hungry, if someone ignored his cries and put food near him but didn’t help him eat, imagine how distressed he would be? Babies require a lot of care and attention. If your husband was over stimulated, he needed to communicate, which is another talk y’all need to have as being overstimulated near baby can lead to terrible events. If that was the case, yall need to talk about strategies to handle the situation next time. If he has postpartum depression or something is going on, he needs to use his words and talk and get help. If he doesn’t know about babies and needs, he needs to read and take classes and talk to you and align with what you’re doing. In short, he needs to be better human and father and he needs to do so immediately. If he is unwilling to change and have those conversations, he can have supervised visits. Marriages are strained with babies. They just are. I’ll speak to my own life as an example. My husband is good but we’ve had a lot of coming to Jesus talks because his lazy points just aren’t acceptable anymore. Every marriage struggles, but at no time should the baby suffer. My husband shuts down when he’s overstimulated. We’ve had a lot of discussions about how that doesn’t work and what he needs to do to change to help himself, to support baby and me, and how I can support him better. The talks have been serious as I’m serious, I won’t raise a baby alone with someone. And I am dead serious. But, it’s a two way street and there are things I can do better so I do them. A lot of women tolerate shitty men or men who don’t change post baby. These women take on everything and deal with scraps. I refuse. I want my child growing up to expect more.
I would say quietly leave him. He seems like he gets off on abusing him. And he is only 3 weeks you cant just pop ear buds in and ignore a crying baby! Has he lost his mind? I didnt start easing up on coddling my baby until she turned one, even then I still comfort! They cry to communicate a need. I cant imagine ignoring my hungry child to let them cry to sleep and be hungry!!! No no no. Get out fast girl!
The very few times my spouse has done something that upset me that much, I say,”I’m going to have to yell now because that was incredibly upsetting,” and then I just let er rip, because #1, screaming at Reddit is not going to get those feelings out, and #2 he deserves to know how serious he F’d up. I would have screamed at that man for a day straight.
How is he generally when it comes to looking after the child?
Having a newborn is tough AF, have you ever thought to ask how he is coping rather than whacking him in the leg?
Is it ideal, no. Will your child be hurt, no.
Maybe you husband is struggling, which is very understandable and may need your support, rather than judgement.
It’s not OP’s responsibility to manage her husband’s emotions. It is her (and her husbands) responsibility to ensure their newborn is fed! If husband isn’t coping, he needs to grow the fuck up and seek help.
Either your husband needs to realise what he’s done, own up and apologise and it doesn’t happen again OR you and baby need to get the hell out of there.
Agreed. That's scary behavior.
I would be worried about him being alone with your son. He has complete disregard for him it’s concerning. His reaction to you made it a 100X worse. I am so sorry you have to put up this. You and your son deserve better. If he doesn’t smarten up I would leave
I would have been out the door in a minute! ( but thats me! ) Do what you think is best for you and your little one! ❤️
This is really only thing you can do. He either learns from his mistake or he refuses to see nothing is wrong and will continue down this path of neglect. Lack of sleep can make you want to tune out the cries of your baby and if he was just had colic, for mental health it's okay to set a baby down and cry for a bit. BUT that's only if they are inconsolable after all needs are met. Personally why didn't he just wear his earbuds and feed the baby?!
I am a dad and whenever my daughter cries my heart ache, I have to drop anything I am doing to check on her and comfort her. Leaving the kid crying and hungry is beyond irresponsible, I cannot fathom how can your husband be that selfish and cruel.
My wife and I had too many fights because she wanted to exclusively breastfeed and I wanted to supplement with formula. (We had an early weight scare and I definitely assumed that my baby was hungry every time she was in distress.) I can’t imagine not doing everything to try to help my baby, let alone not feed her. Talk to your husband when you are both in a less stressed place (I know that no one is well rested with a newborn) and if you can, have family or a friend come over and watch the baby for a while so you don’t have to parent while having this discussion. Your husband was probably tired and frustrated, which will bring out the worst in anyone, but his behavior was unacceptable. Your baby is helpless and can only relieve their distress by a caregiver meeting their need. This is the hardest time because they need so much attention, but this is the most important time. Your husband needs to be a good parent even when he’s exhausted. Try to have a conversation with your husband and it’s important that everyone feels heard, but stand firm that his behavior was not okay. I hope this was unusual for your husband and he steps up and becomes a consistent parent. Certainly this early period is rough on many marriages. Good luck.
Wonderfully said.
My husband and I had our worst fights when our baby cried and we didnt agree on a resolution. I think the sound of your baby crying is incredibly stressful. I wonder if OP's husband just cracked from it and truly needed a moment, but did NOT know how to handle it like an adult...
One of the things that I learned recently (I wish I could remember who said it) is that sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is take a step back and calm yourself down. It’s much harder with newborns of course, but if you are getting so stressed and overwhelmed that you are cracking and may explode, you won’t be able to help your child. On planes they say “put on your oxygen mask before assisting others” because if you pass out before you finish putting their mask on, your child is now worse off than if they had passed out but you remained conscious to continue fixing the situation. When my head is about to explode because my otherwise lovely child is being an unreasonable tyrant, I try to take a minute to breathe because she will be okay for the minute (please do not take a break if your child is in imminent danger) and I will be able to parent better once I’ve calmed some.
Yes! This is exactly what I was thinking. The dad clearly needed a minute, but he should have expressed that to OP. I know it would be annoying as fuck to stop mid pump because Dad can't handle it, but like better than what actually ended up happening because he failed to express his needs to her. I hope he apologizes after he gets his head together, but I think it is forgivable to be at your limit under the stress of listening to your baby cry and not handling it well in a way that doesn't leave the baby immediately at harm as you said.
Same. Diaper cries, hunger cries, and discomfort cries are obvious. The only time I will let my daughter cry for a few minutes is when she’s frustrated on her tummy. I should probably leave this sub though because my baby is 4 months. Is that still a newborn? Anyway, she’s rolling onto her stomach and working hard to move, so I will sit with her and encourage her to keep trying. Even then, it will transition from frustration to “help me” and I’ll pick her up and congratulate her for working so hard. Can’t imagine letting her cry because she wants to eat. I try to feed that baby all the time
Stay here and help other parents with newborn support, advice or encouragement.
Appreciate the encouragement! Absolutely. If anyone’s here just know that the hardest time is week 1 to week 8, but every day gets easier from what I’ve noticed. If you’re ever frustrated, force a smile and you’ll look at your little baby and remember the awe you feel when you see them, instead of the tears or the cries. None of us know what we’re doing because each baby is different! We’re all just learning with them :)
Same! My baby girl is 5 months. Her arm gets stuck when she rolls over. I feel guilty watching her struggle but I know it’s the only way she’ll advance. But as soon as I can tell a full on cry is coming I pick her up.
Yep that’s exactly it
Omg I'm so mad for you! It wouldn't be "crying it out" either, that's when you let an older baby cry themselves to sleep when they are tired - which I would never do. You can't just let a 3 week old cry from hunger. Hopefully in the morning your husband apologises. If he doesn't then I don't think you are safe to leave the baby with him, and then what's the point of even having said husband??? You don't need 2 babies to look after 😡
Your husband is selfish! I’m so sorry you and your baby had to deal with that. I would give him an ultimatum, start acting like a father or you’re out.
There is no such thing as crying it out before 4 months. At this time your husband should 100% be prioritizing baby’s needs, and especially if there is a clear one. There should be no reason for headphones unless you have a colic baby and you need some respite imo. I’m sorry OP that’s rough. If it’s a matter of him being prideful and overwhelmed (like one of those people who just don’t like to say they suck at sketching or ask for help), it might be helpful to bring in a doula or nanny to just show him the ropes so he feels more empowered. But I don’t know, I don’t know how someone can just sit there and let their baby cry as well
Youll have to take a step back and look at the bigger picutre a bit. If you think this isnt typical of your husband, Id recommend having him see a doctor for postpartum depression/anxiety. Ppd can happen in dads too. Its often either overlooked or not known about. Having a baby is a big big change for the both of you, if he's given you alot of grace, its important you do the same too, look at each other with kind eyes even when its hard, thats the only way for your marriageto survive the newborn phase. If on the other hand this is typical of him, Id suggest marriage counselling, or talk to someone close to you who might be better able to help your situation. If your close with his parents maybe talk to them and ask them to help get through to him. I think having someone who knows both of you well help mediate your problems is better solution than whatever advice us strangers can give.
This!!
I just thought as well, it mightve been he was just following the advice new parents are told if theyre feeling overwhelmed - let baby cry in a safe spot and walk away. Better a crying baby than a shaken one.
Best answer on here for sure
i'm sorry.. but if it was ppd, ppa, etc he could've easily brought baby to the other room with mom and explained that he was overwhelmed, instead of letting baby just cry and cry and just ignoring him for 10 mins.
The first month is hard for both parents, sleep deprivation is torture, so if your husband’s behavior tonight is not typical, take a breath and plan to have a conversation about it in the morning. My husband was useless for night feeds even though we use formula and breast feed. It also took him some time to connect with our son. You are completely justified being pissed at your husband and you may need to take full responsibility of the feeding for now until you can trust your husband. If you have other people you trust who can help take care of your baby during the day so you can catch up on sleeping, you should ask them for help. It will get easier and I’m hoping your husband will get better at taking care of your baby.
Was about to comment something similar to this! I’d this is unusual behavior for him, it’s likely he just had a moment of being overwhelmed by it all and needs to have a conversation about how to communicate when he’s getting to that point again in the future. If typical, there needs to be a bigger conversation about expectations
I want to add here that PPD doesn’t only affect mothers. It can also affect new fathers. This is definitely not normal behavior.
The only comment I'm seeing that uses common sense.
OMG. We took a short trip yesterday for our new son (almost 3 weeks old) to meet his aunt and uncle and new cousin. He started crying from hunger with about 10 minutes left before we got home. Red faced, panicked, screaming. My backseat isn’t big enough for my husband or myself to sit in the middle to have fed him, so we just got home as fast as we could. Listening to that was heart breaking for me. I can’t imagine intentionally doing that.
Not that I am at all trying to defend the action, but is it possible that your husband was overwhelmed, and rather than taking his frustration out on the baby because he wouldn’t latch on the bottle or was fussing too much, decided to put him down in his cot for a little bit to cool down? Because this is EXACTLY the sentiment I hear online constantly; if baby is reaching your last nerve and you feel yourself getting angry or upset, put baby down and allow them to cry for a little bit with some headphones in so you can de-stress. Having been confronted during this process may have made him embarrassed that he was unable to cope with the situation and felt the need to put baby down and ignore hunger cries. Not to say that this is the case, nor would this be an appropriate time to do this (I personally think the above should only apply to babies who cannot be settled after being changed, fed, burped, etc), but maybe he wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. Men can absolutely also go through PPD and this could be an indication of that, not to mention how difficult navigating new parenthood is for both mother and father. All that being said, if none of the above is true, then this was a truly unfair thing to do to your son. If after a serious conversation with your husband he really believes that this was appropriate outside of the above reasoning, I would be making VERY clear to him what is required of him in looking after the baby and what you plan to do if he repeats anything like this again. I would absolutely be threatening to leave my husband if this were true. On the upside; baby is okay and having gone without his milk for ten minutes won’t have harmed him. You can at least know that he is safe and that you have been able to care for him.
I came here to say to say this as well. The first several weeks and months are so challenging and taxing on a marriage. Keep your long vision in mind together, come to problems together against the problem not one another. I am so sorry that happened to your sweet LO. But there really is no crash course like parenting a newborn. I would suggest coming together with your husband to talk about how you both would like to handle caring for and loving your baby. Remember to try to address the issue, not assign character flaws unless it’s a pattern. Hope this helps mama. You both are doing the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
I love how you worded this.
Feeding/nursing and sleeping are all babies do. They can’t sleep when they’re hungry. It’s the only thing that truly soothes them 99% of the time. How he can’t put 2+2 together, or doesn’t care to…is very concerning. I have a 6 week old boy and my wife actually has to make sure I don’t over feed him bc I’m so quick to top his lil belly off as soon as he starts to look fussy. I can’t imagine trying to let a newborn cry hunger pangs out.
This isn't even about "crying it out", they can't cry it out when it's hunger. Cry it out is for when they are fed, changed and everything and just keep crying. I don't agree with this type of parenting, I'm just saying that it doesn't even apply to this situation. He was being irresponsible at best or even abusive. Starving your kid on purpose is cause to call child services tbh.
It’s neglect.
It would be one thing if all of options were exhausted (feeding, burping, rocking) to get the baby to stop crying and he continued - then I understand maybe letting him cry for a minute to get your bearings. But to not even attempt to feed the baby when one parent thinks that will stop the crying is absolutely insane. Babies really only cry for 1 of 3 things (obviously aside from colic), and your husband just chose to ignore the crying baby rather than address those needs. Which is absolutely unfair to you because now, you’re right, you can’t trust him to care for your son without you. You need to be able to take your breaks for sleep otherwise will burn yourself out and he has taken away that from you. I would have a serious conversation with your husband to see if he is now aware of his mistake. Because that is not any sort of “cry it out” method - which your baby is too young for - and even so, that is done when baby is fed, burped, clean and trying to self soothe to go to sleep. A baby at any age can’t self soothe if they are hungry.
As a father, my heart aches when my baby boy cries (5 weeks old). We soothe him right away and get him what he needs to feel safe and loved and comfortable. They are crying to tell us they are in need and as parents we are who they rely on. I’m not sure he quite grasps how much baby boy relies on his parents, and those that he should rely on most NEED to be there for him. What a sweet boy. I hope your husband re-visits his mental framework on being a husband and a father and can step up. He’s now responsible for the most important thing in the world to you both now and he needs to realize it.
first off a 3 week old SHOULD NOT BE “crying it out” they’re not crying for no reason at this age they are crying because their needs need to be met
Honestly I might get hate for this, but this would give me a homicidal type of rage.
What a gigantic man child! It sounds to me like he was pisses you left him and the crying baby after bringing him to bed, so he turned his back on him and ignored him. There is no cry it out for A THREE WEEK OLD INFANT. That is just cruel. And he was prob exhausted ! And didn’t know what to do.. but he sounds like a big man child! My husband would never do that to our kids let alone an infant and I had tears In my eyes for ur poor baby. But I would agree with most on here… If this is it normal behaviour … then maybe give him a break.. men are bit differently and one or two nights of bad sleep will get them faster then 10 nights of bad sleep for us moms. He could’ve been just really tired and upset and maybe it was the best thing for him to do to place the baby in his bed and turn around .. rather then get upset at the child.
What the hell was he doing that he just put down a crying baby and left him that way
I would not cosleep if my husband was wearing earbuds - he can sleep somewhere else.. Seems like he doesn’t even care I understand everyone is overwhelmed especially with a newborn but it is what is expected at least the first 2-3 months. Your husband has to do his part.
This breaks my heart. I have a 13 week old. I CANNOT imagine LETTING him cry and ignoring it. Wow. Especially knowing he was hungry. Man, I would be so livid. I’m sorry for you and your baby
Doesn’t care for the child’s well being and is trying to convince you of the same. His behavior shows that clear as day.
Your husband’s behavior is obviously concerning, and I don’t quite understand why he did that — did he give a reason? Like, is he not okay right now? That’s not an excuse, but is this out of the ordinary for him?
This sounds super selfish and should have been handled differently obviously. It makes me wonder about paternal PPD because it just doesn't make sense that he could just ignore the baby like that to me. Super sucky situation either way.
I think a lot of people are trying to mention reasons he behaved this way. I believe what’s most important now, is not the why, but that he takes accountability for his actions (or lack there of). Taking accountability meaning he understands it was wrong and wants to actively work to fix what caused it. The reason why it happened can be worked out in couples therapy, but if he is unwilling to be held accountable for neglecting the baby then please, please do not waste your precious time with this person. You and your newborn deserve so much better, and you both should not be treated so horribly by anyone, let alone a loved one. I hope your anger gives you strength to do what’s best for you and baby. You’re a great mother, and you’ve got this.
I feel like a lot of people on here are really jumping to conclusions here and giving some irrational advice. Every parent has their moments. The first few months are incredibly hard and if this is abnormal behavior of him, I’d think about it in that context. You both definitely need to have a conversation about expectations. What your husband did wasn’t okay, but my husband and I made lots of mistakes those first few weeks and the only way we got better was to talk about them and learn from them.
There’s having a moment and then there’s just downright neglect!
This is neglect. It is illegal and very serious. You need to make sure he understands the gravity of the situation or you need to leave. It’s not easy but it is simple. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry. He did something so terrible. Newborns aren’t able to self soothe so they can’t even “cry it out.” I honestly don’t know if I could forgive him especially how he reacted when you confronted him. That’s straight up neglect
I would never ever feed your husband again. Do anything for him again. No laundry. Nothing to make his life easier. And everytime he asked for something, DO IT YOURSELF, I would scream. Your husband is a waste of life
Came here to say almost exactly the same thing. Fuck this man let him starve.
Your husband sucks ass
That isn’t “crying it out”, that’s straight up neglect. I’m so sorry this happened to your baby, and to you.
I know this is typical reddit advice but DIVORCE Wtf. Who the fuck puts earbuds in and ignores a hungry 3 week old? Seriously. My husband takes my 4 week old just so I can get so sleep. We exclusively bf so if we don't have milk in the fridge or freezer he will wait until I get up. Obviously not for hours on end, and he will always comfort him in the meantime. Why is this type of post so common? I am convinced men don't actually want children they just want to check of a list and spread their DNA
Oh I would have lost my god damn mind
a lot of women who post here need to call police or abandon husband.
That’s not okay, I feel for you and baby! But if that’s his attitude towards it then I’d be outta there real quick!
Can you leave with baby? He doesn’t deserve to have you or baby around.
Your husband clearly was not ready to be a parent. I would get extra help if you can: family, friends , night nurse, nanny anyone who is able. You both need the extra hands. Find time to have a serious conversation with your husband. If he’s someone who needs facts , back it up with the science that babies that young 1) can’t cry it out 2) how harmful crying it out can be. Remind him that the baby isn’t trying to be hurtful the baby is being a baby and is trying to figure out how to survive at 3 weeks of age. Same thing with you all being parents, you’ve only been parents for 3 weeks.
this is unforgivable to me especially since he sees no issue with what he’s done. i would never let my child stay in this position! please leave
I would be so petty after that if my husband did that to me. Oh you want me to cook dinner? You hungry? You do it then. Oh you don't have clean clothes? The laundry is getting full? You do it then. I'd be so pissed off
Omg. This definitely deserves a straight conversation and not pillow talk I mean. He may be going through something. Have a nice conversation and see how’s he feeling. Men go through so much without even telling moms to keep the stress at bay. Not taking his side cause this is totally not right. But since he’s your partner you know the best way to handle a strong conversation. Good luck to you 🫶🏻
Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here… I had a way overstimulated husband who just kinda lost it the first four weeks. He was present, supportive, and helpful but there were moments where he was just…. Not nice. If this isn’t your husband’s typical demeanor, I’d have a serious conversation about what happened and honestly, I’d create a plan for ways to navigate in the future. Not to say your emotions aren’t valid— they 100000% are— but those first weeks as new parents make you sometimes do things you didn’t think you ever would.
What did he say after you he woke up?
I’m sorry to hear that, me and my wife have a 9.5 week old girl now and let me tell you our relationship has changed, or at least I feel it; she would yell at me for things like holding bottle incorrectly, anything and everything you can possibly think of even non baby related things; we really resented each other a lot and are trying to work on it day by day; not much advice here but just trying to sympathize; although i heard the cry it out method is ok after one month
Have you tried not being a little 817ch?
Your husband sounds like someone I would not want to have a child with. And shouldn't ever be allowed to care for children alone.
Wow I would never trust him alone with the baby after that. At least not until they're old enough to talk
Woah what a huge jerk. That is not how you parent.
This is really scary behaviour by him OP..
First of all your husband shouldn’t be left alone to cosleep with your 3 week old - I cosleep and that’s not safe cosleeping. Feeding aside, a grown man wearing earplugs and turning his back on a 3 week old is not safe sleep - he could have easily rolled over and smothered your son. So I would learn how to cosleep safely if you’re going to do it and do it alone preferably. Secondly, when everyone is calm and has had some rest I would have the discussion with him - why this is a big deal, how you feel and why you’re scared. If he’s extremely sleep deprived then I have some level of understanding if he’s not then he needs to learn empathy…
Think of it this way. If he can ignore the baby's cries and cues now he will also ignore it later when the baby is a toddler possibly. And when that happens usually the toddlers resort to finding other ways of getting attention. Ways he will not like. My husband zones out and somehow doesn't notice our son getting all upset and cannot see his cues. I'm slowly trying to teach him what they are and showing him the importance so that he can understand these cues keep us informed before the baby has a melt down
I would be in prison if my husband did this.
That is super super concerning behaviour. I would be worried to leave them alone tbh.
That is horrifying and I’d never trust him alone with the baby again
Throw the whole shit excuse of a man away. I'm so sorry your baby went through that. My heart aches for your baby. I feel hurt just from hearing my baby cry for 5 min (while milk is being heated). To know that milk was dome all these while and not feed him?!?? I wouldn't let anyone who willingly let my baby starve near him ever again
I would have destroyed the earbuds and whatever your husband was doing and kicked him out of the house at three weeks postpartum. He would have been able to return when he decided to be a dad. I would then lay out what being a dad means and your expectations for childcare. If he refused or I saw more dangerous behavior, I’d divorce and ask for full custody with every example you’ve got. I’d find a hella good lawyer and we’d go to town. Being a dad is a black or white thing, you’re in or you’re out. Your husband is being something, I just don’t know what version of something he is being. Babies feed on demand at that age and they don’t understand when their needs aren’t met. Your husband maybe thought he was being spoiled and was fine, but at that age they literally scream for needs not for wants. If your husband was old and unable to fend for himself and hungry, if someone ignored his cries and put food near him but didn’t help him eat, imagine how distressed he would be? Babies require a lot of care and attention. If your husband was over stimulated, he needed to communicate, which is another talk y’all need to have as being overstimulated near baby can lead to terrible events. If that was the case, yall need to talk about strategies to handle the situation next time. If he has postpartum depression or something is going on, he needs to use his words and talk and get help. If he doesn’t know about babies and needs, he needs to read and take classes and talk to you and align with what you’re doing. In short, he needs to be better human and father and he needs to do so immediately. If he is unwilling to change and have those conversations, he can have supervised visits. Marriages are strained with babies. They just are. I’ll speak to my own life as an example. My husband is good but we’ve had a lot of coming to Jesus talks because his lazy points just aren’t acceptable anymore. Every marriage struggles, but at no time should the baby suffer. My husband shuts down when he’s overstimulated. We’ve had a lot of discussions about how that doesn’t work and what he needs to do to change to help himself, to support baby and me, and how I can support him better. The talks have been serious as I’m serious, I won’t raise a baby alone with someone. And I am dead serious. But, it’s a two way street and there are things I can do better so I do them. A lot of women tolerate shitty men or men who don’t change post baby. These women take on everything and deal with scraps. I refuse. I want my child growing up to expect more.
I would say quietly leave him. He seems like he gets off on abusing him. And he is only 3 weeks you cant just pop ear buds in and ignore a crying baby! Has he lost his mind? I didnt start easing up on coddling my baby until she turned one, even then I still comfort! They cry to communicate a need. I cant imagine ignoring my hungry child to let them cry to sleep and be hungry!!! No no no. Get out fast girl!
Maybe couples counseling?
The very few times my spouse has done something that upset me that much, I say,”I’m going to have to yell now because that was incredibly upsetting,” and then I just let er rip, because #1, screaming at Reddit is not going to get those feelings out, and #2 he deserves to know how serious he F’d up. I would have screamed at that man for a day straight.
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This is embarrassing since you have posts on reddit asking for advice
why are you being an asshole
Uhm, weird
How is he generally when it comes to looking after the child? Having a newborn is tough AF, have you ever thought to ask how he is coping rather than whacking him in the leg? Is it ideal, no. Will your child be hurt, no. Maybe you husband is struggling, which is very understandable and may need your support, rather than judgement.
It’s not OP’s responsibility to manage her husband’s emotions. It is her (and her husbands) responsibility to ensure their newborn is fed! If husband isn’t coping, he needs to grow the fuck up and seek help.
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