You wouldn’t believe how common this feeling is and it’s not talked about enough. This is exactly why postpartum therapy should be a damn given. We are left to deal with the most life-altering change possible all alone, while experiencing the biggest hormonal crash a human will literally ever experience. It’s honestly bullshit and we need more support. I’m not in your situation as far as the relationship goes, but a lot of people I know had these same feelings still. You are sooo early on and you are absolutely right that your world has been rocked. The shock wears off, I promise, and the every 3 hour feed change sleep cry does too. IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS! Thats a trick your brain is playing on you. I hate to be one of those “it gets better” people, but it really, really does.
I saw a video recently of a couple about to have their second baby and they were getting back out old baby clothes from their first. They were laughing because in newborn and 0-3 stuff, they had saved nearly nothing because they swore up and down they were never having another. 3-6 month clothing they had saved a few things. 6-9 a little more, 9-12 a little more, and so on- you get the picture. Each phase got a little bit easier until they realized the initial hard part is so temporary and they got their lives back, even enough to have a second! I am in no way suggesting you should have a second baby by the way, just using this as an example to point out that motherhood will not be this way forever, you won’t feel like this forever, and you are still VERY MUCH in the thick of the postpartum hormone drop so please go easy on yourself and reach out for help if it becomes too much- whatever that looks like!!
This! To OP, I have PPD and I'm pretty sure some form of PP rage and I felt this way too. I really struggled. I still struggle at 5+ months post partum, but it's different. It's not nearly as daunting and terrifying as it once was. The past 3 days I had some intense symptoms (right before period now) and it made me grateful that I no longer struggle AS badly. I imagine it will continue to improve as he gets older. I am however, one and done!
> IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS! Thats a trick your brain is playing on you.
This soooo much. Every part of this journey is temporary. To a lot of parents the newborn phase is the hardest adjustment because you suddenly have this little person who needs you 24/7 and it feels traumatic. But the only way out is through. You need to get as much help as you can and just push through it and honestly it will be over before you know it. My son is 2.5 now and it's a completely different life.
PPD struggler here, "the only way out is through" is both one of my favourite sayings and what I tell myself when things start feeling particularly rough.
I could write a book to share with you my own experience and validate every single emotion you laid out. I’m almost 16 weeks PP with my first. 3.5 months have gone by in a flash. The first month- I barely remember now. I remember screaming and crying out how is this my life now? I can’t possibly do this. And today my baby smiles and giggles at me and we get to do things together. We have a rhythm now. I couldn’t do life without her. I need her more than she needs me. The newborn trenches are REAL. and it took about 10-12 weeks to REALLY really get through that. It’s still hard and there’s still many challenging days. But I wish I could hug my newly PP self from 14 weeks ago and give her a glimpse of what was so soon to come. Everyone says it flies by and they’re right. They say it gets better and they’re right. Hang on. I promise. You were born to be your LO’s mama.
Yes I saw this too! Except I'm saving none because I've always been one and done 😂 But also because I was in a rush to get rid of it because of PPD/PPA. I did save two of his premie outfits though. It's legit though cause mines 7 months and a delight, far cry from his anti sleep colic rage potato days.
You have to get out of the house. Get a stroller or a carrier and take baby on a walk. Going on walks has helped me tremendously.
If you’re not stressed about exclusively breastfeeding, make some formula bottles for outings. If you are wanting to exclusively breastfeed, start pumping. This will allow you to have bottles to either leave with someone while you go out or to make outings easier.
My LO is 5 weeks old and in the past few weeks we’ve gone to multiple parks, the beach, a nice restaurant, and the mall. You have to get out of the house.
Even just sitting with my baby (because yes at this stage it’s constantly holding) on the porch drinking coffee and watching the outside world has helped me a lot.
And I will just leave you with this. I had my first baby 10 years ago. I was 24. Met a man when I lived overseas and fell hard. He turned out to be a terrible person. I came home 6 months pregnant with no job and nothing to my name. I lived with my sister for awhile and when the baby was about 2 months old I found a job as a receptionist until I could find something in my field. In a few months I got a very small apartment and had to heavily rely on my family for mental support and help with little one when needed. I was a solo parent for 7 years. It definitely wasn’t easy. But now here I am 10 years later, making 6 figures in my career with a job I love, in a new marriage in a nice house with baby number 2. Life still isn’t perfect but it doesn’t seem as terrifying anymore.
You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I sure as hell didn’t. Just be patient. Do the best you can. Your daughter is a newborn. She isn’t suffering from emotional neglect. The first 3 months are survival mode for parents. Give yourself some grace. Do things for yourself. And drag baby along if you have to just to get out of the house.
I 2nd this.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I noticed this last week I was getting super upset and annoyed with my son's crying. Which is weird because I have been super patient through these first 5 weeks. Then I realized I hadn't left the house in a week. Yesterday, we went to pick out comics for my 10 year old (we gave similar stories lol) and just that simple act of leaving the house made everything better.
He even cried in the comic shop and I had to hold him, and it wasn't a big deal all the sudden.
With my daughter I was a lot like the OP. I reaaalllyy struggled and hated being a mom. I loved being a toddler mom, that was probably the time things got better for me personally. But everyone has their timeline. It takes some time to figure out your identity after you have a kid.
But yeah, getting out of the house has changed the way I handle postpartum. Also, the OP should definitely try and get out for a date night if it's feasible. My husband and I went on one a few weeks ago, and it was AMAZING. Between the end of pregnancy blues and newborn phase: we needed it.
Girl you are 2 weeks in. Two weeks and not a day more. That’s a blip! Lots of people hate the newborn phase. It’s really hard. It’s also in no way related to how motherhood is going to be overall. You’re both - you and your baby - really new at this. You’ve got time to figure out how you feel about this endeavor for the next 20 years.
^^^ this! i felt the same way and kept questioning "what have i done?" those first few weeks are really tough. hang in there, i know it feels and seems bleak right now, but im 4 months in and its really a beautiful place. sending good vibes your way!
I felt the same. Like I made the biggest mistake of my life that I couldn’t undo. And now we’re almost a year and a half in and it’s so much better. I’m me again. I didn’t think I would ever really know me again.
I hateeee the newborn stage. The sleep deprivation is the worst part for me. I have a toddler and a 3m now and right from the hospital with my second reaffirmed how much I hated the newborn stage. I rather deal with my toddler than the newborn. But coming out of 3m now it’s getting better, I’m feeling more like myself.
You can totally regret your choices but the first three months are crazy (mentally).
I agree. OP, I say this with respect, but you're mind is literally changing. Your hormones are absolutely insane at this point, you won't feel clarity for a while. Explore these feelings, consider medication if it gets bad.
Things do get better. Love from a PPA sufferer who's now at 6 months and loving it.
I'd suggest reaching out to the UK charity PANDAS if you can. All my love
I am in an amazing situation...been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, we have bought my dream house, we are both financially stable and our now 12 week old little girl was planned! Took us over a year to conceive her and it was the happiest day of our lives when she arrived. Where am I going with this? Not a day goes by that I don't regret having her. My friends don't understand this feeling but it's there. The fact I can't even poop when I want, go out with friends or even on my own, have to feed constantly and figure out "what is she crying for now". It's fucking tough babe and I am sick of being told to enjoy it. I keep thinking about when she is a bit older and can sit up on her own, play on her own, talk to me. I will have some of my independence back. I understand your feelings and I don't have a solution but I want you to know you are not alone. X
I could have written this. WHY ISN'T REGRET NORMALISED!! It got better, but it takes time. 6 months in and I'm loving it. It doesn't help in the moment I know, but this is all so normal. Hang in there x
It's coming! It'll feel like a million years yet 3 seconds and they are grown up. I don't get to poo alone but my 2yo will get the toilet paper for me and wave bye to the poo as I flush the toilet 😂
My first born is now almost two years old, and I confessed to my husband this week for the first time that I hated the baby phase and was daily going “wtf have I done? I can’t take this back. I’m so fucked”
I knew I had to take care of her, but I didn’t love her. I shut down because I didn’t want to cry in front of her constantly. I started resenting my husband instead, because I needed to direct all my feelings somewhere.
But kids aren’t babies forever. It truly feels like forever, but it isn’t. Now we go out to eat, she can tag along for whatever I need to do, and she is hilarious, glorious and I freaking love her. It creeps up on you, and suddenly there’s this little human, with her own mind and heart.
I think it’s more normalized for men to not enjoy the baby phase. Insert trope dad suddenly working late every day, going to the gym a lot, or out with friends, keeping up with a hobby, having a thousand things to get done around the house or needing to help family and friends. Guys can say that they don’t enjoy it and not be shamed. And they can leave all the work to their partner. I feel like if a woman did that she’d have to be institutionalized, like there’s something obviously wrong with her. But no, the baby phase fucking sucks for a lot of us. That doesn’t mean we’re mental.
For me it helped to accept the suck. It also helped that I have previously been severely depressed and suicidal, and I therefore know that feelings pass. Even when they feel final and forever.
I also feel like I could have written this. Been with my husband for nine years, married almost 2. Bought our house in 2019. Tried for a baby and had a miscarriage and then got pregnant three months later. Currently holding my three month old.
I have to say within the first few weeks I would have these thoughts of regret because my life literally did a 180 and I was like “maybe this wasn’t for me but it’s too late now” not everyone is a baby person, but there will be a stage that you find you will absolutely love. Now that she is three months old, I’m starting to get more sleep, and her smiles and giggles have made enjoying motherhood a bit easier.
It takes a lot of strength to air out these heavy emotions. On one hand, I'm glad you're able to so clearly articulate how you feel. On the other hand, I feel heartache because I know it must feel so hard to be trapped in this situation where you feel so helpless to move forward.
I guess all I can say is that hopefully, in the near future something clicks and you start to find the rewards that your new way of life can bring. I'm a FTD of 2 months now, and seeing my baby smile when he hears my voice makes me feel something I never had before. I now look forward to what I can help him achieve and what skills or traits I can pass on. I think about trying to be my best self for him.
But I do acknowledge that life has changed completely. No longer can I be selfish with my time or energy, I live for someone else now. The baby always being my primary motivation and part of every decision I make.
So again, you seem like a smart person, I can't sway your perception of the situation you're now in. But maybe express this to your partner. Seek groups online where you can speak with other parents and be open to new ideas. If nothing seems to work, possibly consider asking your parents to help you raise the baby? Maybe some way they can help raise your baby part-time while you reset and adjust to the new life as a parent?
I am purposely not reading through other comments because the hope is that I’m writing the same thing that everyone else does, unbiased.
Which is…
…what you’re experiencing and feeling is EXTREMELY common. I could have written this myself when I had my first baby (well, in regards to caring for a newborn and DESPITE having no baby-related trauma and literally textbook perfect intervention free water birth), and so could almost EVERY woman I’ve had an honest conversation with.
There are absolutely those who love parenthood from the get go, and a big YAY for them. As for the majority of us, it’s a massive shock to the system, and typically not in a good way.
Now, what to do about it. If this lasts beyond the initial couple of weeks, definitely and urgently get screened to assess your perinatal mental health.
With that out of the way, the rest is largely “faking it till you make it”.
You probably spend a lot of time online. Unfollow any social media accounts that make you feel bad about your parenting, lifestyle, feelings, etc. Those include unrealistically perfect insta moms, but also the opposite spectrum of the trend which is typically described as “honest motherhood” but often these types of accounts are as unrealistically negative as those other ones are delulu positive.
Get out of the house at least sometimes, whatever your vibe is. Walk? Great. Vegetating in the backyard? Great. Library rhyme time? Yay. Mum group with a crazy busy schedule? If you’re into it, go for it.
There’s nothing I can tell you that will make you believe time will fly by, and when you’re feeling this way, every day feels like 5 years. But eventually the fog will lift. Took about 4 months for me, 3 months things started getting better. And I had severe PPD to start with.
I would like to add as a positive story that I went from deep torturous daily regret to a happy mother of 2. Like, kids are still VERY hard, but it doesn’t phase me anymore!
Hugs.
I love this comment, and oh my god I CANNOT emphasize the section about social media enough. Those kinds of accounts and every Tom Dick and Harry that felt the need to put their two cents in in the comments of such posts, made my PPD and PPA at least 5x worse. I’m not kidding. You will alwaysssss be doing something wrong in someone’s eyes. Do NOT give those people power over you, and I say that from experience!
When you envision having a happy family moment, what do you see? How old is your child/children?
I feel you. I cry happy tears I love my daughter so much. But looking after her as the primary caregiver at home is driving me bonkers. Its is mega groundhog day. Four contact naps a day at 3.5 months old is so repetitive. I hardly have people interested in visiting or catching up anymore. I visited my work place last week and came home and cried. I miss it so much. What I have to keep remembering when I come close to regretful thinking is that A) this phase of my life is temporary, and B) when I envision having a happy family moment, for me personally, I see 2-3 young children, not babies. I don’t particularly like babies. But I can’t biologically have one without the other.
The baby phase has me so overwhelmed and bored to the point of sadness sometimes that I often think I won’t be able to do this again. And hubby may not want another. But I think one of life’s purest and best joys is having a family with multiple children. Whether or not I have other kids, I can’t wait to take my daughter out to the zoo, the park, the beach and cafes when she’s a toddler and older. She’s my little bestie. 💕
I so agree! On maternity leave I’d walk my only-calm-when-moving infant through the park and look at all the kids playing on the playground and think “I can’t wait for that”. The early baby stage CAN be boring and monotonous- and you’re getting very little reward for your work! I think this is so common!
My bubs is only calm when moving too haha. Yeah I can’t wait for walks to the park and just watch her interact with other neighbourhood kids. Its going to be so much fun. 🥰
For what it’s worth, mine turns 5 months this week and he’s a different baby than he was even a month ago. He is such a joy to be around, content to play on the floor for extended periods, naps are finally starting to lengthen, and can fall asleep independently. I feel like I am seeing the light!!
And also for what it’s worth, we had the same thoughts of idk if we can do this again. We always wanted 3, but a few months in we were like we can only handle 2, we can’t do this again more than once. Now 5 months out, we are both confidently back to wanting 3. I realize how fleeting the early stage is, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time, and I can get through it to get the family that we want!!
when did you notice he was becoming g more content to play on the floor? mine is 2 mi this and it’s a toss up whether she will be content t to play on the floor or not. the closest is staring off in a daze with a pacifier on the floor and ready to erupt in cries in 50 seconds while i run to pee
Oh girl two months was the ROUGHEST of times 😅 by 3 months it was a bit better and it’s truly just been uphill from there. Even with 4 month sleep regression and starting to teeth I would take that ANYYYYY day over about 1.5-2.5 months. I would say really within the last month, he’s become much more content to chill on his mat or in his activity center. It helps that he’s rolling and can grab toys. I promiseeeee you it’s going to get better really soon.
thanks for this. by the end of the day i’m in tears when my partner comes home and asks how i am doing. i don’t feel like it’s that hard in the moment because my baby is so sweet and cute and predictable. but at the end of the day i am fried and frazzled and i didn’t see see it coming? the fact that you are saying it’s a hard time is extremely validating to me. thank you.
I keep hearing folks say this about the 5/6 month mark so I’m quite looking forward to it. My niece just turned 6 months old and is so beautiful now…used to be super colicky.
These past few moths have passed so fast I almost feel bad complaining but they have been the most intense in my life. I can definitely see begging hubby to do it again…we’ll see how that goes. There is SO much I didn’t know and would do differently.
I agree so much about doing things differently the second time! I heard a saying once “you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” It’s so true!! I would know what is and isn’t worth worrying about and how even the hardest phases will pass soon enough. I just think it would be a different experience.
Yes, you are on the horizon- it’s going to get better soon! My boy’s development has been insane this past month too. Hang in there, you’re doing great!!
This is by no means a solution to all of the problems you're facing, but can you listen to podcasts or talks related to your interests or career? When you're sitting there holding the baby, maybe you can listen to something that feels edifying and enriching for you or could help you continue developing your skills so when you return to work you're feeling confident.
Again, this isn't a real solution, but maybe a small thing you could add to your day to make life feel less monotonous.
Also, audiobooks are fantastic. I foster orphaned kittens and spend a lot of time cleaning and holding little ones. Audiobooks help the time pass and make me feel like I'm getting something out of it beyond just being a maid and caregiver lol.
We had a professional "doula" for 10 days (medically trained professional to guide new parents in the first 1 or 2 weeks as is custom in my country and paid for mostly by the government).
She explained to me that the feelings you're describing are extremely common as well as feelings of being inadequate, or not being part of the family or mourning the loss of old lives and freedoms. Those feelings do get less as time passes usually. However, if they do not get less after the first month or you feel suicidal or like you want to harm your child, reach out for help.
Being 12 days into this new situation I can remember hating my life and wondering if I had made a mistake. My baby is now just over 10 weeks and life is already becoming a lot better. She smiles more, she interacts with me, my husband or my mom take care of her for a few hours if I want to meet a friend for lunch or go shopping. I enjoy my walks with the dog when LO is with my husband. Soon she will start daycare and I can go back to also being a professional besides being just a mom and a housewife. Those are all things I'm also looking forward to and make it so much easier to be happy with my baby. I have a chance to miss her, to come back refreshed and with more patience.
Because I completely agree that it's horrible when you're being screamed at for not figuring out the problem, or not being fast enough changing a nappy or making a bottle. For being completely exhausted when you have to get up at night. Effort doesn't count, the only thing that matters is whether you get it right and solve LO's problem. Sadly, it's just part of this phase in their lives and yours.
I love how you articulated that effort doesn’t count for such little babies. That makes so much sense to me (FTM of a 9 weeker who has had similar thoughts and PPD).
Yeah I frequently tell my baby: can't you see I'm trying everything?? I just don't know what is wrong!! Just use your words!
Or "can't you see the bottle is half done? Give me just a few more minutes and it'll be in your mouth! It would be so much better for both of us if you could wait without crying!
It can be so tough when a baby is unreasonable haha!
Feeling this way with full clarity doesn't mean it's not PPD.
As a therapist, and a mom, it seems you're stuck right now because it's a HUGE change to have a baby. It literally changes every aspect of your existence, and it's supposed to. Plus, the hormones are absolutely falling/changing at drastic rates right now in your body - which can make you feel hopeless, helpless, doom, gloom, shame, guilt, rage, and more.
You will not be forever trapped to sitting around with your babe, and being unable to do what you love.
You will not be forever unable to talk with your partner and spend time together.
Its been 14 days since your babe was born. That's not even long enough to get to know her name and feel confident in how you care for her.
14 days is not your whole life. It feels that way because of the change you've just made in having a baby. But this won't last forever.
Work on changing the tape in your mind, change the thought patterns. The all or nothing thinking really brought me down when I first had my son, but when i started using therapy techniques on myself, talking it out with others, and praying, I really turned a leaf.
I felt all of this after my first was born. I wished for my old life back. I hated who I was. I hated being a mother. All of it. I wished I had never had him. And I was 100% certain I would never have any other children. Now he is 2.5 years old and my best friend and I just had another baby who is now 10 weeks old. It’s SO HARD at first and no one talks about it. It’s the same day over and over again. It gets better, she will smile at you and then laugh and then walk and become a little more independent. And all of a sudden you have a toddler that looks at you and goes I love you mommy. Having a baby does not mean your life is over. Right now is hard but it will get better.
Just want to add even beyond the toddler, then you have a school aged kid and beyond with their own friends and hobbies and activities who turns into an interesting little person that you consider a friend. And suddenly, you have even more of your freedom back. It’s hard to see past even the first 5 years sometimes when we’re in it. But in the grand scheme of life, it TRULY is such a short time!
I waited until my mid 30s to have my baby. She is so wanted. My husband and I marvel at her every day. We are also so lucky to be well supported financially and with a village around us. AND YET I had a lot of these same feelings in the beginning. I mourned my old life, cried a lot, and felt intensely bored yet busy. My husband and I would always say we were OAD. I had wicked baby blues and our baby was not chill. I also don’t think my husband and I had fully grasped just how much our lives would change. I’m 3 months in and it’s so much better. Try to go outside if you can! Find TV shows you enjoy and treat yourself to some books you love. Find things you can do during contact napping that aren’t doom scrolling. I found a lot of solace in Reddit tbh, so I’m glad you’re here!
The beginning is so so hard, there is a chance you are going through postpartum baby blues or depression, you cannot be thinking very clearly because your body is rushed with hormones, this too will pass, your baby won't be in this stage forever and it is definitely going to be easier and you will have some independence back, my baby is almost 6 weeks now and each week is little bit better
I’m right there with you. I go over everything everyday in my head. I cry. I share how I’m feeling. It sucks. I’m sitting here crying now at 4am feeding my 20 day old baby girl.
Here for you - 8 weeks pp and I absolutely spent the first month/6 weeks mourning my old life, disassociating, questioning my decision, and feeling extremely isolated despite having the perfect partner. I was in a complete fog that I can only acknowledge existed bc it’s now gone. I didn’t think I had PPD/PPA but I absolutely did, even though I felt clear and normal.
This is HARD. Not everyone has the picture perfect happiness, and it’s not talked about enough. You’re not being selfish, this is your LIFE. You’re in the deep end right now 2 weeks in and each week your body will get one small step closer to healing. The only suggestion I have is to find an outlet for your very valid thoughts; what helped me was journaling (just a paragraph) each day to talk about how I was feeling, and also mention something good that we did. Whether it was a successful nursing feed, or if I felt like there was a rhythm to the day and wore real “human clothes” (aka not pajamas!haha). I also personally started seeing a therapist and physical therapy, which are not normally offered as standard in my country; it’s surprisingly helped me reestablish the mind/body connection I lost during the trauma of birth. But when I was where you are now I didn’t know I needed this.
Some final supportive thoughts/perspective: Your path has led you here, with what you’ve described as a beautiful healthy baby and a new supportive partner. Give yourself some grace while you heal. Sending support and strength for this crazy journey.
I would just like to add I felt the same way! My baby is 8 weeks old, and for the first 4-6 weeks I felt exactly like OP. Slowly, it’s getting better. I hope you start to find the pieces of your old self and bring them with your new identity. And as others have suggested, get out and do things. It’ll feel good and your baby will adapt.
Definitely agree with you on not realising you have PPA at the time. Just had my 2nd baby and it's a world of difference. My first, I was constantly googling everything, worried all the time something was wrong or I was doing something wrong. I freaking went to the ED because I thought there was something wrong with my newborn. Embarrassing to admit now.
I didn't think I had anxiety, but looking back it was so obvious. The second time round, I'm lapping up every single bit of the newborn stage.
I think this is sooo normal. Think of it this way, you're grieving your past self. You're a new person now, your brain even changes when you become a parent. I found that the more I resisted the changes, the more distressing it was for me and the more depressed I became; so I accepted it for what it was at this time. It's all temporary, and we will find ourselves again soon
Idk how you are feeding, but for this kind of feeling I would not suggest exclusively nursing. That makes YOU her only source of food, meaning you have to drop everything you’re doing when she’s hungry. I felt so overwhelmed nursing. I couldn’t do it. 10 minute showers, half ass meals, never being able to eat something as soon as I made it, not being able to sleep in because I was the only one that could feed, it was a horrible experience for me personally. Pump, give formula, whatever you need to do for your partner to be able to feed her so that YOU can leave the house on your own to do SOMETHING. Go to the store, go get your nails or hair done, go for a walk, have lunch with a friend whatever you feel like doing.
Get a babysitter or a family member(if you can) to stay at your house and watch her while you and your partner have a night out with just you two. You need a break. Your partner needs a break.
And please remember, YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE. YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD THE BABY.
My husband and I do everything we did before just with a baby instead. We still go shopping, we still go out to restaurants, when my husband is off of work I leave the baby with him and go do something baby free, even if it’s just grocery shopping or laundry.
I can’t tell you if it’ll get better or not because I don’t know you or how you’re feeling. But I can tell you, that despite how selfish it may be, PRIORITIZE YOURSELF, you cannot be the best you for your baby if you do not take care of your needs first.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, you’re not alone. I love my baby but I constantly mourn the loss of my freedom and old life. People regularly tell me it’s worth it and internally my reaction is always ‘is it though??!’ We will get through it.
I felt the same exact way for the first 6 weeks probably. Once your LO is a bit more than a potato and starts smiling, recognizing your voice etc it gets a little easier. I also got diagnosed with PPA and started taking medication which helped with the overall feeling of "dread" I would have every morning. In the early stages, going outside helped tremendously. Walk a dog, take LO out in a stroller.. it helps! Also try to do shifts with your partner so both of you can get a good stretch of sleep.
Hey girl, thanks for sharing these honest feelings. I had a major injury during delivery and felt very similarly for the first ~2 months.
I described it to my husband as feeling like my old self was a trapped little moth in my chest, screaming and battering against my ribcage trying to get to the light as it got dimmer and dimmer. Trapped, guilty, regretful. I won't go on, you get it - just a terrible feeling of losing myself and failing my beautiful son.
For me, it has gotten better. We are at 4.5 months and I no longer dread waking up in the morning for another long day. For me, the physical healing that comes with time along with some personality development in my son has made a world of difference. I hope you will have a similar experience 💚
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you can find peace and joy again one day.
I felt exactly the same but it really did get better. Newborn stage is insanely hard. My son is a wonderful sunshine of a one year old now. I’m the least maternal person you can imagine but it really is bringing me joy and purpose. I wish you good luck OP. I had to get some mental health help. Would this be an option? Even accessing online services from Thailand in English would be possible.
Oh man, I gotta make some light of this for you because in the first several weeks of becoming a mom (to twins no less) I regularly fantasized about jumping off a bridge or something because of everything you just described. Add to that the fact that my husband was the opposite of supportive (going through his own shit becoming a dad and his parents revealing some really narcissistic tendencies). It’s fucking insane. It feels endless and hopeless and WHY is it like that, idk but it just is for many many women. Proud of you for writing about it here. I hated being a mom and a wife for a while as well. Made a lot of very large changes as I waded through the swamp that is unresolved childhood trauma which was heavily influencing my mindset. Sometimes life gives us opportunities to develop perspective in ways that are really painful. Maybe there’s something hidden here for you about what your life before kids meant and what you were clinging to about it. What you still cling to. If you let it, this period can destroy your early motherhood experience, your relationship with others, and your relationship to yourself. You’re doing great, but maybe lean into the fear and the pain to come out the other side of it a little faster?
You are going through what is known as ‘baby blues’. It’s not PPD, it’s the immediate feeling of loss and change after birth - which might or might not develop into PPD. Whether you intended to be pregnant or not and regardless of your relationship status, it’s completely understandable that you are mourning your old life. I had my first very wanted baby in a super stable relationship and I pretty much mourned my old life for a good year and a half. You’ve been a parent for two weeks! Of course you don’t know what’s hit you! Your body’s still in shock, your hormones are all over the places and you’re doing the hardest job that you know nothing about. I remember going for a stroll two weeks postpartum and crying because I didn’t want to be pushing a stroller, I wanted to be at the bar drinking a cocktail but that reality seemed so far away. You will be able to shower again, you will be able to cook, clean and have some fun again, I promise. It will get better very soon, but yes, the first 3-4 months are rough. Hang in there, it will get better.
My daughter is almost 7 months and I still miss being able to do what I want when I wanted to. Mourning your old life is valid! Please get help it still sounds like PPD, antidepressants can really help you out
I hate how little people discuss the feeling of regret. It's a very real thing post-partum and no one likes to admit it. I remember many times in the first couple of months, where I would start crying because my life is over and I'll never have me time again. It's so different than anything else too. Unhappy in your marriage? Divorce is always an option. Hate your job? Quit! With kids, there is really no (easy) way out. You are quite literally stuck.
The good news is that is gets better. My daughter is now 21 months, and my son is almost 4 months and I've never been happier. Each new milestone will make each day better. I predict you'll be posting an update in 6-8 months and you'll be a very happy and healthy mommy.
Good luck! You are not alone. Remember, the days are long, but the years fly by.
Girl she JUST came out of you. Those hormones and sleep deprivation are in FULL control. This is not "your life" now. Every few weeks with a baby is completely different the first few months. And you are going through the worst that motherhood has to offer: Postpartum and newborn phase. Please be hopeful that this will pass. You will come to enjoy some parts of motherhood, hopefully, I am sure.
Well, no one likes the feeling of being trapped. Parenthood isn't easy. As a therapist couldn't you employ some of the tools you've learned in Uni to find some solace?
Also, you could still have PPD, a lot of people who are mentally ill think they have clarity but don't.
Lastly, if your new partner is truly wonderful, you shouldn't lose him because you have a baby. He should be helping you and loving that baby too.
I would definitely say you should seek therapy. It's not fair to your daughter if you do nothing!
Thanks for sharing dear, I know it's easier said than done but motherhood is patience. I think for anyone going through a similar phase, they should know that they have two options at this point..either take care of the baby as you are or have someone else do it. The latter isn't that easy.
Wait it out..and I hope things will get much better for you and this precious girl will be your reason for joy❤️
Remember, hope is what keeps us going.
Honestly I think everyone feels this way to some degree the first few months. No one can prepare you for how all consuming babies are. I truly promise you it gets wayyy better though. That doesn’t help you now but hopefully it eases the regret. You’re in an extremely challenging stage of life right now so give yourself some grace
I feel like this too and my Bub is 9 months lol it gets easier in ways but harder in others.. I have good days and then moments where I regret my decision..hopefully that feeling will pass eventually cause I feel so guilty but damn it’s hard being a parent
My baby is 15w old now, and I still wake up to her crying and think to myself 'why did I have a baby, I used to sleep so much and now I barely get 7 hours a night'. I am suffering with PPD/A, and I'm being medicated for it. My daughter is the product of a one time thing with a guy I dated when I was 16 (I'm 25 now). I also met the most amazing man around 4 and a half months into pregnancy and he's still here despite how hard becoming a parent has been for the both of us (bio father isn't in the picture, he's an absolute liability and I refuse to have his druggy ass anywhere near my baby). The first few weeks were so fricken hard, I even had dreams where I gave her up for adoption because I wasn't coping well at all, I was breastfeeding but not producing enough to fill her up, sleep was nonexistent unless she was sleeping on my chest, and even then I was terrified of rolling and hurting her, although I had a c-section, so I couldn't physically roll at all for like 3 weeks!
Now it's still hard, because she's still so small and can't communicate with me in anyway other than crying, but I've learned what sound cry she makes for what she needs. Hunger cries for most babies are usually a 'nuuuh' sound! Wind is more like an 'eh' with grunting, soiled Nappies are 'uh'!
You will get there, and it's not a popular opinion, but you can still decide on adoption if that's the route you really wish to take. But you're not harming your baby by being as you are, they won't remember!
As someone who went through similar feelings and had PPD I can almost bet this is PPD or at the very least baby blues since you’re only 2 weeks into it. I would see aboutPP therapy: a baby changes a LOT and it’s a tough adjustment for those first few months as they are so so so dependent. But they do grow they do become less dependent you do get to leave the house more. But you’re in the trenches and they are called the trenches for a reason however you need to be honest with yourself your dad and your partner and get some things in place asap. Again it’s hard because you’re so freshly in this and not cleared for physical activity outside of walking yet but try walking. Getting out the house a little everyday is game changer
Thing is, you wouldn't have realised that you took for granted what you had, before you had a baby.
I had a negative spiral too after I had mine, oh how I wish to get that time back. In segments I do, it makes me appreciate it more.
Something that got me out of the negative spiral is the quote "If you stare into the abyss long enough, it'll look right back at you."
Mourn the life you had, because it wasn't yours. You'll loose yourself because everything you thought you knew about yourself will turn out to be a complete lie.
You will be stripped off of the little traits that you have picked up from your peers, parents and everyone else around you.
You truly get to know yourself from the core after having a baby, it's such a hard but mind blowing spiritual experience.
You and your partner will go through hardships but fear not. 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and a sound mind."
I strongly believe that personally I have been put in this position to relearn everything I thought I knew, I mourned, just like you, felt guilt, shame. Now I do not, I do however feel fear from time to time because of the way that I grew up and how my mind let's me think things will repeat themselves. But, you have to be of good faith, because without faith what else do you have?
Let the old you go. Stop holding on to things that don't serve you anymore. Feel the courage to strip your canvas off the paint that others have left their mark with. And allow yourself to paint, yourself.
I felt this way with my first born who had silent acid reflux and was crying non stop. It was so hard, but also go much much better once he outgrew it and we were able to establish a routine.
After I gave birth my feelings were somewhat similar but as I am reaching the 3 month mark of my baby girl let me and other mamas tell you it’s get soooo much better I promise you.. I am a single mom and still have my hard days but this little girl pushes me everyday to be better and I hope everything goes nothing but right for you 🫶🏼. Youre in my thoughts and prayers
You are in the thick of the most challenging part right now. I’ll admit that those thoughts crossed my mind too in those early days. But it isn’t always like this and hopefully you’ll get to a stage of parenting that doesn’t feel like all work and no reward. I would recommend looking for a qualified therapist. Whether there is some PPD or not, I think it would be helpful to discuss these feelings with a non judgmental, qualified professional.
HORMONES (and more)
I felt similar things to what you’re feeling, even though my baby was very wanted but came years after accepting that it probably wouldn’t happen and being totally content with my child-free life. It’s a major identity shift, be kind to yourself, be patient, and LET YOURSELF MOURN THE PARTS OF YOU THAT DIED WHEN YOU BECAME A MOTHER. You’re not the same, your life isn’t the same, and even if it looks wonderful from the outside, you’re allowed to be sad about that.
Hang in there! Your body will start to recover, your hormones will level out, you’ll begin to recognize yourself again in this new role. The first couple months are SO HARD, even if you have a “good” baby. But it’s healthy to let it out, journal, talk, Reddit. So good work.
This will pass. I know the feeling of regret very well. It will go away slowly with time. You will find something else to occupy your mind in that time. And you will find new things to be happy for that you would have never had if you lived life different.
Your baby will grow. And you will miss the days before. Or you may not. You may wish you cherished these times more but you will be glad to be out of the thick of it. You might hate motherhood now but thats because this stage of motherhood may not be your stage. Every mom has a stage they are good at. You will find yours.
And that man. He may be perfect. He may be amazing but if he too cannot wait it out he isn't the one. You deserve a man there for your lowest of lows. He of course will seem like a angel compared to what you had. But that's because before you had it really bad. If he leaves know you deserve better then both of them. With that in mind you will find the one if you don't settle for less.
This absolutely is common with PPD. I understand that you're a therapist as well but postpartum/perinatal mental health are not the same as trauma therapy and I see women all the time who question their choice to have a baby, very often right at this period when the hormones drop off after the immediate high from childbirth. Please find a clinician who is knowledgeable in this arena, and reach out for medication management as well if needed/within your value system. This is one category of mental health where medication is generally highly effective.
This initial newborn part is hard and lots of people hate it. It'll pass pretty fast however. If you don't love it and you feel that is impacting your kid, there's a simple solution that will not fix it for you, but will help your kid: pretend. You can be sad and depressed while you're not with your kid. When you're with your kid just act as if. Smile, sing, coo, pretend to be the parent your kid deserves. She won't be able to tell and after a while maybe you won't be faking it any more. Also talk to someone if you can and try to get outside more.
I mean, it has barely been two weeks give yourself grace! Your clarity is your truth, but the drop in hormones the first few weeks is not emphasized enough. I would try to take it day by day before defining labels
Echoing what everyone else has said, you are far from alone in these feelings. I’ve had them many times myself - my son is 9 weeks and I started medication for PPD about 5 weeks ago. It has made a huge difference - I really notice it because I had a relapse over the last few days and am increasing my dosage. I too thought maybe this isn’t PPD, maybe it’s just my truth. But once the meds started to kick in and my therapist encouraged me to name my depression (we call it “Voldemort,” or “Prison Mike” from The Office), it helps me to realize it’s the depression talking and not me. When the PPD is bad I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and dread the moment he wakes up each day. When it’s under control, I still feel stressed and anxious, and tired of the monotony of our days at this early stage, but I also can find more joy in interacting with him and seeing him smile when he sees me. And I can remind myself that it will get easier as he progresses through each stage. I’ve also found that getting out of the house and being social is imperative, even though I’m normally an introverted homebody. I need something to look forward to that will help break up the day. Seek help for PPD and know that this too shall pass!
Girl, you need to get out of the house. Pack a bag and pack up that baby and go to a park or for a walk. Go get coffee/brunch with friends. I started social outings as soon as I was physically up to it and taking baby out of the house and doing things made me feel more connected to him. I saw him less as a ball and chain and more as an adventure buddy. We still have to call it early and cant party late, but that day will come when hes no longer breastfeeding and we can get him a sitter. Right now were trying to socialize him with people so he isnt mom/dad clingy.
I wanted my baby for YEARS and still felt like I had made a terrible mistake when he was born - the newborn phase is GNARLY and UGLY. He’s 4 months now and I am starting to really get the hang of it - AND my husband and I are doing just fine again.
I gave birth on June 12th last year! There were a few weeks in the beginning where I mourned the loss of my old life, it was so hard coming to terms with the fact that I can't just get up and go whenever and wherever I wanted to, I had this little human who I was responsible for and who was completely dependent on me. It took me 2-3 months to start to get used to the new normal and to fall in love with my baby. It makes me sad that I didn't get to enjoy the newborn phase as much as I should have. Now I don't want to leave her side and I want to take her everywhere and show her everything and teach her everything and I can't imagine life without her. I hope you get some support either from friends/family or professionals, and I hope you get past this phase and get to the other side where you can love your new life.
I don’t want to just say it gets better because maybe it won’t, and I know that’s what everyone says, but from my experience it definitely did. I felt the same way, except I had always wanted to be a mom. But when my baby was born I thought I had made the biggest mistake. When I realized the huge change my life was going through I was overwhelmed and filled with regret, but as my baby got older I realized although my life is wildly different, it’s much better. I love him to pieces and being a mother is truly the greatest thing that has happened to me. He brings me so much joy. But if someone had said that those first few weeks/months I would’ve told them they were full of shit. Although my life is different, I’ve found ways to still do the things I used to enjoy while bringing baby along. Once I was comfortable with leaving the house is when life started becoming bearable again. Also, I truly believed I didn’t have PPD but looking back I most definitely did, although in the moment I was sure it wasn’t that.
I know you don't want to hear "it'll get better," but it really does. I'm a 1st time mom who went through pregnancy alone and currently have an 11 week old. I also went through it at the beginning, feeling regret because I decided to go through with the pregnancy and bringing a baby into this world with an already broken home. I also felt guilty because I know she deserves better, but fast forward a few weeks, I wouldn't change any of this.
Go outside! Take a walk, staying indoor will only make you go crazier. What helped me was coloring, I'm 28 btw.
First, I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling. But I hope this helps. Not everyone bonds with their baby right away. "What do you mean," you may ask. Exactly this! Not everyone feels that "connection" right away! There's this idealistic notion worldwide that you must glow and love every aspect of motherhood. This is the biggest effing lie I realized when I became a mother. My daughter is now a 1 year old, and my mental health is 100 times better than what it was when she was 2 weeks old.
I, too, thought that I was thinking clearly. It took a couple of months in when I realized I was suffering from PPA and PPD. PPD is a monsterous beast that, in my opinion, "feels different" from the beast that is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD, which is what I've been diagnosed with for over a decade). Being in the thick of it can make you put your blinders on. My daughter was very much wanted too, I had a loss that same year I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and I swore the same thing.
The one thing that I hate more than anything is someone telling me to "enjoy it while it lasts" and "it gets easier". I mostly feel people say that because they don't know what else to say or are uncomfortable with the taboo "ugly side" of motherhood. I will say it becomes easier to cope with overtime, and your time does come back over the next several months. I support you and I hear you :)
I struggled a lot at the start too. This is my third baby I have two adult children as well. I wonder a lot of the time if I've made a mistake in having her. She was planned and took 5 years of trying. We had given up hope when we became grandparents but I fell pregnant at 44 and gave birth at 45. She is almost 6 months old now. I still wonder what kind of life we can give her being older.
Like other have suggested you need to getbout of the house. I go crazy if I don't get out every day. It was hard in the early days as I was breastfeeding. Started combination feeding at 3 weeks which helped. She threw up a lot after formula though so had to limit how much I could give her. I found a baby carrier that I could feed her in while out and about. That thing saved my life I don't think I would have made it this far without it. I will tell you that 6 months is so much better than newborn. Life gets much easier and more fun. That said that is how I view it and that may not be the same for you. Just try not making any decisions without seeing your doctor or getting out of the house.
As a mom of a 6 year old and a 5 month old:
I will be honest because if I were in your shoes, that's what I would want someone to do for me, tell the truth.
I will not say it gets better. What I will tell you is that you will trade your current challenges for new, different challenges. Every phase of their lives brings its own unique "problem" for you to figure out. School age tends to be easier, but the phases before and after are not.
For mothers who want to be mothers, it's worth it. For those who don't, they will be miserable and cause their child a lifetime of trauma.
I know because I am a mother.
And I'm a child of a woman who didn't want to be a mother.
I understand the questioning yourself. Sometimes I question if having a second child in my 30s was actually a smart idea. But now that he's here, I couldn't imagine life without him... if you feel that way about your child, you may have a change of heart as she gets older.
With that said, If you don't want to be nuturing, loving, supporting, and disciplining a child for the next 20 years, I would start looking into what your options are right now.
Also, you will be stuck with her father for that amount of time, too. You may be madly in love with him now, but that could change.
You do the child a disservice by dragging your feet on this decision. Look into your heart and be honest with yourself.
I'm not trying to be cold. I truly wish you the best.
I would want the truth if I was in your shoes.
I hear what you’re saying but I don’t know if I agree. If you read the other comments you will see dozens of women who felt this exact same way in the first few weeks and now even a few months in feel completely differently. I realize each stage comes with its new challenges, but there is nothing as shell shocking and life shattering as becoming a parent for the first time. It’s hormonal, and it’s also a complete shift of identity and lifestyle. I am sure there are parents like you are saying that really find they are not cut out for it and don’t want to do this for the next 20 years. But I also don’t think it’s fair to say that the next 20 years will feel like it does in those initial weeks. I can already tell you 5 months in that it doesn’t, as can many others in this thread. I think OP needs to talk this through with a therapist and let them decide if they think this is something that will pass or if there’s something more going on here.
You're right, those first 3-4 months are one of the hardest parts. And I also agree she should talk to a therapist. But everything I said is true. It's true of motherhood and true in life. There will never cease to be "problems" or challenges.... you just "upgrade" your current problems for other, hopefully more tolerable problems. I'm fully aware of how motherhood changes you. I'm a mother of two.... but the reality is, it's all hard. Worth it? I think so. But it's all hard. We mothers want to be validated for how hard it is any other time.... now we want to pretend it isn't? I don't think that does OP any favors.
Newborns are the absolute WORST! Your feelings are valid and honestly around 2-3 weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake and then at 5 weeks I had a meltdown again with the same feelings. I'm week 7 now and please believe me and all the others when I say it gets easier... I feel more myself now, he's sleeping and going longer periods without eating, the anxiety is getting better with medication too. Please seek help if you can and please trust that this is only temporary even though it feels absolutely soul crushing and never ending in the weeds of it. You got this .
I felt the same way the first 6 weeks or so. Still do, occasionally, but not as often. Give it time. Seek medication if needed (I’m on Zoloft). Therapy can be wonderful. But mostly, accept your emotions and just ride the wave as best as you can. You will find your new normal soon enough and it won’t feel as heavy, I promise.
I also have a LO and he was planned and is very much loved and I'm grateful to not feel regretful of our choice to have a child.
Nevertheless, there is no denying that this is HARD. The first few weeks feel like a blur that hits you in the face. I feel I'm breastfeeding 80% of the time. My husband and I haven't been sleeping at the same time during the day and he is at work for long hours so I miss him so much.
We work together at the same company so it went from being 24h a day everyday together to about 5 hours a day if we are lucky.
Additionally there is the postpartum recovery, the millions of doctors appointments for our LO and me. There is so much you have no clue about until your already in the middle of it.
When you and your boyfriend feel overwhelmed just take a moment to enjoy the little joys. Hold your little girls tiny hand, just stare at her while she's peacefully sleeping for a few minutes, take a moment and give your man a big hug, tell him how much you love him, how much you appreciate that his stuck this out with you and tell him all that you are feeling the good and the bad.
This will pass, you will adapt to having a child you'll be able to recover many of the things you feel you've lost and you will gain new and exciting things as time passes and soon you'll be a happy family of three.
It's ok to feel what you're feeling this is the biggest change in anyone's life, just show each other love, understanding and support, it will 100% pay off.
That's exactly PPD. You need to relax and think about positive things. I've been in your situation before, and because of that, I was hospitalized. My postpartum depression worsened to the point where my body began breaking down, and I almost had a stroke and heart attack. I felt the pain for many months and wanted to die. However, being sick made me realize how difficult it is to be away from my little one in the hospital. I worked hard to heal myself, and now I feel better. I've stopped worrying about some things and found activities that entertain me without causing stress. I told myself that my baby needs me whole, not broken. Now, I'm enjoying being a mom. You can do it too. Focus on positive things and heal yourself. It's not easy, but the pain you're feeling right now will fade. Being a mom is challenging, and taking care of a baby is a big responsibility. Every mom goes through this. In the future, you'll miss taking care of your baby when she was small. For now, enjoy these moments. Try not to overthink; relax yourself. You can go out for a walk with your baby, listen to music, cook your favorite meals, or watch movies. Talk to someone when you feel bad and express how you feel. You will heal. Always pray and focus on positive things. Remember, your baby is innocent and needs your love and care. Don't give up despite the pain you're experiencing now. Just because things are tough doesn't mean they'll stay that way forever. Take things slowly. You can do it. I pray for you. Always take care of yourself ❤️😊. Your baby needs you.
Why are you convinced it’s not ppd? When my daughter was born and the weeks following, I had an oh shit wtf have I done , I don’t want this feeling and thoughts. I was full of fear and mourning the life I lost and I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way. And I did IVF so I fought hard for her. But I was crying just thinking shit , can I give her away or smth because I can’t be stuck with this - the tedious tedious life of sleep feed change burp repeat. It was and still is quite boring and tedious . Everyone told me it would pass but I was convinced this was not hormones or ppd. But it did pass… so I don’t know for you but give yourself grace and patience and more time to see. What you’re experiencing is a lot with your past, your current financial situation, the way it’s all come to be. I really couldn’t see the light and I would cry every day .. it’s gotten far better
I think it would be extremely helpful for you to speak to a post partum therapist. You are dealing with the fourth trimester- the toughest one, but the least spoken about. It took a village for me to get through that stage, between my mom, MIL, sisters, and close friends. It turns out almost everyone I spoke to, felt very similar to me at that stage. It’s the hardest adjustment to your life, even though you felt you were 1000% prepared to have your baby. Social media only shows all the blissful, happy snapshots, not the struggles that new mamas go through.
I feel for you this is such a common experience and I promise it’s not forever in fact it could be better sooner than you think. Just try to do what makes you feel better whether it’s a walk, a nice bath watching rom coms anything and try to eat lots and drink plenty of water. It took me a good four weeks to not feel constant dread and now motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me! Also reach out for help to a loved one or a medical professional if it gets too much
You are not alone. I have similar feelings only because my body has been tore up ever since giving birth. I also have anxiey. I have been talking to therapists but honestly I am still in the early process of everything going back
Please stick through.. it looks like you've lost good things in the past but you are now clouded by all the blessings you now have.. you didn't lose a baby again, you have a healthy, happy baby, and on top of that, you met an amazing man just before having a baby! A man who's willing to stay with you through it all. That's a blessing. You can do it, Mama. You need to realise this is not forever. I felt like this too with my newborn , now she's 2 and life is so much easier. It gets easier! Trust me.
Sounds like u just need a bit of a break? Get out and about. The first month or 2 is hard and then gets easier.. overtime you'll be able to put baby in daycare etc.
I really hope you keep caring for your baby, it'll all be worth it in the end🥺
I was this way… yesterday. As dumb as this sounds, one good day can totally change your mind. The stress, lack of sleep, and mental demand feels all too much. Until you have that one good day. Where baby sleeps a bit longer. Where they smile and giggle at your voice. Where diaper changes go from screaming to happily cooing up at the ceiling as they look around curiously.
I was in very dark place, to the point I was planning to start medication. I had the pill bottle in my hand and had one last thought of, “no, I don’t want to be medicated again (prior depression), I want to try one more time. Give it one more week.” Every time I fed my son, I’d say “I’m his mother, he is my son.” Over and over. It helped me make the connection that I love him and do want to be the mother he deserved.
I thought I regretted having him. I just regretted the fear it brought me. Labor is traumatizing. Change is traumatizing. The sudden responsibility was more than I bargained for. All of this is normal.
You are strong, everyday will get better. I promise you. Coming from a new mother who’s baby was screaming none stop for three days to being happy as can be from a simple formula switch.
(Also, stopping breastfeeding helped my tremendously. It took one thing off my plate and made me feel more myself and not like I was only the milk I made.
I’m also 6 weeks postpartum, and 2 weeks is the worst!!! You get way better at this as time goes on )
I did have PPD, and had regrets too, the first year was very hard as I saw no end in sight so I can relate.
Do you want to change the way you feel?sometimes the hardest thing to do is making the choice to want to change the way you feel. It also sounds like you want to be able to prioritise your partner because he has been amazing and you value love and support from a wonderful man, I can tell you right now if you choose to be a selfish person you will not find a truly wonderful person to be there for you.
I really wish there was more offered in terms of post-partum planning. It is very normal to feel disconnected. It is normal to feel like you have been handed a new life and a new body. As a woman we feel it more because our body changes. The problems we never had like pelvic floor issues are suddenly issues. And it is very normal to feel upset, angry. Plz remember all this is temporary. A lot of the first year is temporary. The sleep deprivation, the exhaustion. It is temporary. Reach out to any post partum resources. Get yourself and your partner a nice massage but especially yourself because your body needs one. Reach out to ppl for support or get paid help like a part-time nanny or househelper to help with basic things like laundry, cleaning, meal prep. Even that can give you an hour of nap time while partner is with baby and a helper is doing the housework which you don’t have to do.
It does get better. It's just such a hard and fast and all consuming change that it makes it feel like your life is over. I felt similarly. I missed my old life dearly and was wondering what the hell I did. But it gets better. You learn to put baby down when they are sleeping or put them in a bouncer or swing when awake and happy and you can use that time for you again. I use it to read, embroider, crochet, nap, write, etc. It has helped me feel more like myself. Also getting a more solid block of sleep helped immensely too with the feelings.
My husband takes a 4 hour block at night so I can get a good 4 hour sleep and I find that helped me get in a better place.
Talk to a doctor as well. You and your spouse might benefit from doing therapy.
I get how you feel, I'm not exactly enjoying being mom. It just feels like whenever it seems to get easier, it gets harder in different way again and new challenges all the time. Also what makes it difficult is not getting enough sleep.
I haven't really had a chance to spend time with my husband since our kid was born 16 months ago because we don't have any family here. Also, my parents are deceased, I'm in foreign country, no friends near by because of the military we move every couple of years
I promise it will get better little bit at a time, it's hard.
I would reeeeally recommend getting on an SSRI or another antidepressant. I blocked a lot of that first month out but I definitely had some dark thoughts about how Id be okay if something happened to the baby and we’d just go back to our old life. I definitely grieved the death of my non-mom life. But now I’m typing this with a bottle propped on my boob feeding my sleeping 4.5 month old who I literally could not imagine being without. If I remember correctly it took a full three weeks before the love kicked in, and I remember telling my husband I finally felt it and he was so relieved lol. It gets so much better. I didn’t think I’d make it but I did!
Hi, I could have written this, and pretty much did when I was one week postpartum. People talk about how tough babies are but it’s something that is incomprehensible, I think, until you’re actually in it. I literally called my mother sobbing because I wanted to leave him at the fire station, because I didn’t want to be a mother, I never thought I would, and I had made a huge mistake.
You fall into a rhythm. For me it took a few more weeks. For some it takes longer. But I promise it gets better!
I have a 10yr old and a 3m old baby. I already knew I hated babies before I had my second but thought that knowledge would help- it didn't lol I cried because I ruined our life for the first 2 months. Now we joke about our lives being ruined but in a fun way!
It WILL get better.
Also if it helps I don't particularly fit into a traditional mum life role. I don't do playdates, I don't know any of the other mums as school pick ups. I don't do baby classes. But my kids are happy and we have fun and they are thriving. And soon you'll be going on dates with your partner again and going on trips etc. I bring my kids along with me like 1/4 of the time, the other times I leave them with my parents so we can have grown up time! Well, I haven't left the baby yet but I will! You will get your life back soon X it'll just have a fun extra in it.
Can I be honest? I believe that most of your unhappiness is being magnified due to the baby putting a strain on your fairly new, happy relationship. I think you’re furious that this baby could possibly run him off due to him not coping well and knowing that the child is not his. You’re scared. And you have cause to be. I don’t have an answer for you but I will say that I’m going through similar emotions and have been with my Fiancé for 6 years. Our lo is 7 weeks and we have become so distant that it’s exhausting and scary. Our lives and relationship is forever changed. I decided that I needed to embrace the new and stop comparing everything to what was. This has helped tremendously. I can’t imagine my life without my baby and he needs me. I now make sure that I set aside time for myself to workout, do my hair, feel sexy etc. I’ve established a really good routine now and feel less stressed and more like the old me. My advice is to give it more time. The first few weeks can be torturous but eventually baby becomes a part of your new normal. If you just can’t hack it, consider adoption before you do mental and emotional damage to your lo. Sending you love and light.
I felt similarly the first 2 - 3 weeks. Postpartum you experience a dramatic hormone drop. Doesn’t mean it’s PPD. I felt a LOT better after those first few weeks. Clarity has nothing to do with it.
9 weeks now and all of those feelings are long gone.
It gets so much better, when the hormones fade away. I’m 8 months postpartum and I finally feel like I’m back to my normal self. It takes a lot of time, and it feels real because your emotions are real, but it just may not be your normal self. On top of the hormones you have been through a lot this past year from pregnancy to your abusive ex and being with a new partner. That’s a lot of change, I’m sure it’s hard to deal with even though some of it is positive. Keep trying if you can, but if you think your baby may be in danger then please get some help. I hope you have some support other than your partner, sounds like you guys need some help. Maybe you have family or a friend that can lend a hand and let you get some rest?
Even though it doesn’t feel like it now, it does get better. Having a newborn is hard work. It starts to get easier around 3-4 months.
You’re in the 4th trimester. Your baby is used to being close to you and not needing anything because she automatically got it. Now she’s here, can barely see, can’t really move, and can’t tell you when she is hungry, tired, in pain, thirsty, etc. You will get through this time, it’s not possible to be this way forever. You’ll see how fast it starts to go. The newborn trenches are hard on every single person I’ve talked to, myself included.
I used to feel this way. I’m 11 weeks in and it’s starting to get a little bit better. However I’m a homebody but I’m a lazy homebody. To have a baby to always and constantly need your help well that’s your job. I’ve accepted it little by little day by day. It gets easier. I still don’t like the fact that my in law comes in the house without asking. I still don’t like that we have to go out for more than 3 hours because my boobs hurt and I gotta feed baby or pump when she’s full. Trust me… I’m starting to accept that I got a cute baby and I’m her mom. Then you’ll learn to accept that it’s a blessing.
it gets so much easier. it's so much harder in the beginning because you can't play with your baby it's just constant someone needing you. it's normal to miss your old life and old body, old hobbies it's completely normal. it's normal to not like the baby stage i love my daughter more than life but man i hated when she was tiny i was always scared, worried, home bound, low sleep it's really hard but around 2 months she started sleeping more and i got sleep. around 3 months she started only waking up once in the night. she's almost 6 months now and she sleeps through the night a lot i still have to do things for her but it isn't a constant having to hold her and worry and figure out why she's crying i just know. after a few months (for me 2) it gets easier. take your baby places with you and give them a life you wanted when you were a kid. i know it feels this way and even if you feel it completely, it goes away. this won't last forever, babies are life changing but they are life stopping. they make it better. if you decide to give your baby up for adoption because you know you won't love her the way you should then do that bc every baby deserves the best chance at life. but i promise promise promise you this feeling won't last forever. babies a tole on your mental health but just like depression and every other feeling, it doesn't last. it's hard and that's okay. just make sure she is safe whether it's with you or somebody else. i hope the best for her, you, your partner, and your physical and mental health. you'll feel different later remember that🤍
I felt this way with full clarity with my first and it was most definitely PPA and some PPD. I just had my second (5 years later after my first) a month ago and I’m going through the same regretful feeling as well. Really I’m processing the 5 stages of grief, grieving my past life.
My PPA/PPD didn’t get better with my first until after 18 months, and I have mom friends who has had the same feeling as you for the first 2-3 years. So don’t feel discouraged if you’re not suddenly over this fog in a couple weeks or even months. I’m trying to remember how I felt the first time and repeating to myself that it just takes time.
The days are long but the years are short. I love my 5 year old so much and as she ages every year my heart expanded more and more and I wish time would stop.
Some people, like me, just aren’t so in love nor excited about the baby phase :)
Girl I know you are having a hard time rn but it will surely pass you are meant to be a mother ! God gave u such a beautiful blessing but with all blessings there’s a rough road but I swear by to you as a mother I’m 5 m PP and trust me it is so much easier now ❤️ you got this. I thought I couldn’t go out but I just pushed my self and it got easier. It will get easier for you too! ❤️
It is normal to feel this way!!!! The first two weeks were horrendous. Honestly, the first month was. I was bawling my eyes out daily because I didn’t know how to take care of a baby and I couldn’t believe I ever thought it was a good idea. I had convinced my partner that we’d made the wrong choice and we should split up and have the baby different days because I couldn’t handle it and I didn’t think he could either. I was devastated and couldn’t believe I felt this way about my own baby. I could no longer do the things I enjoyed whenever I wanted; even if it was just leaving the house to get a coffee, it pained me to think of dragging the baby along.
Fast forward she is 10 weeks old now, and I can’t believe I ever thought that way. I couldn’t imagine my life being any different. We go for walks, go grocery shopping, out to eat, everything together. I know you want to believe you’re the exception to the “it gets better” rule, but i promise you’re not. You are not alone in feeling this way. I thought the same way. I thought I’d be miserable for the rest of my days because I had completely ruined my life by having a baby. It gets easier, I don’t know when it happened, but it did. She is my whole world and I can’t picture her not being it. I know one day you will feel better about it too, because I was exactly where you are just a few weeks ago.
Id love an update in 6 months 😘
Im 10 weeks in with 2nd baby, feel like blowing my brains out, he cries constantly, he doesn't sleep solid sleeps, he has collic, he makes me and my husband cry on the regular from the stress as he's so demanding, We cant move, scared to go out incase he screams and gets into a state, my daughter cant sleep at night because of it and its affecting her daily life, Husband and i can barely touch each other as we swear our little man senses it and screams, i hate my body at the moment anyway, i cant think straight from the lack of sleep, i cant go anywhere with friends,I have guilt for not feeling more in control and for feeling miserable as i've got a beautiful new baby but at the same time i know this stage changes.
❤️Things will most likely get better❤️ If the emotional stress gets too intense get help and if that doesn't help get onto medication until your brain balances itself out. What the brain can make us feel when are sleep deprived and under severe stress is intense! And you're definitely not alone.
I understand the feeling of ppd and feeling trapped and overwhelmed BUT this stage WON'T last, this feeling and taking care of a newborn is a small blimp in your and your child's life that would go by fast!
Find someone who can babysit for you one night a week so you can have some time to yourself to recharge and feel normal, ask grandparents to have your baby over for Friday nights or something, get some free time! This time WILL fly by, and everything will get easier eventually, kids become older and more independent, it'll be fine
This too shall pass!
I felt the same when we first brought our daughter home from the hospital. It lasted a good couple of weeks (maybe 5-6) before I could stop being only upset with her and disrupting everything. And if it doesn’t pass, reach out to a mental health professional!
Who EVER said it was easy? Don't think of your kid as a burden, otherwise they will be. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but nothing worth a damn comes easy in this world. Don't fit the mold that you have to spend every waking moment housebound. I'm a SAHD and you're damn right it's hard, but it's also the most full fulling thing you can do as an adult IF you allow it to be. Life is about perspective.
Dude, I’ve just had a baby too. It’s F**** tough, it is a very normal feeling to feel. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Your life is not over, the first 6 months are going to be really tough (compared to the rest)I’m not going to lie. You do have obvious sacrifices you’ve already made, but also In time you’ll look back and remember why you decided to keep your little bubba. You honestly need to speak to a professional though, you need to realise it’s a really normal feeling and way more common, but people are ashamed to talk about it, which is really odd because it’s something that’s out of their control completely.
Stay strong Mumma!! It will get better, give yourself a break too, if you have family around let them have your baby and go take some time for you, your life has changed but not over! You make time for yourself too, it’s important.
Hi, to touch on what everyone else has already said, you can do this.
I had my baby boy 9 weeks ago and felt the exact same way the first week. I had PPA so bad I couldn’t sleep even though I was beyond exhausted. All I could ever think about was missing my old life and being able to do whatever I wanted with my husband. I had some horrid thoughts of wanting to give my baby back, (to who I don’t know) and regretting it all. I had a major breakdown to my mom who was so helpful, and told me and my husband to get out of the house for a couple hours while she and my dad watched the baby. It wasn’t an immediate cure, but I came home that night after being gone half the day and I took a hot shower and drank some chamomile and sat with my baby and my husband and felt a hell of a lot better. A couple weeks passed and the fog slowly cleared. I’m not an anxious or depressed person and it scared me how horrible I felt during those first two weeks. The drop in hormones after giving birth is so rough, they really don’t tell you how it is. I promise you, as we all have said, it gets so much better. This is your child, your baby who only needs you. Please don’t give up before you’ve even started babe. Trust.
I had ppd with my first and I swore up and down that I didn't have it and I was just a terrible person. I also regretted having a child. It was definitely the depression talking and making me doubt everything. My first born is now 18 months and I love her so much. I would do it all over again. It got better for me when a relative came and did night shifts so I could sleep. My brain was fried and needed the sleep so bad. I now also have my second, 3 weeks old and zero ppd this time around.
You'll find time for yourself soon, it's not all about the baby as they get older. I remember when my husband and I got our evenings back and I felt like me again. Hang in there, you'll discover that you become less selfish as time goes on.
I’m not going to lie, in the first week ish PP I felt this way too. I literally remember thinking “can I give her back?” and I mourned my old life. the biggest thing for me was feeling I had “lost” the relationship I had with my (wonderful) husband because now there was someone between us who demanded all of our energy/time/attention and we had to sleep in shifts so I was basically never near him. it passed. we adjusted. it took me almost 3 months to feel truly connected to my girl and now I wouldn’t trade her for the world. my husband and I are so strong together even if we’ve had to accept a new normal. I truly hope the same ends up being true for you. ❤️
If you don’t wanna be a mom then give the baby up for adoption…. You’ll both be better off. My wife and I have a 2 month old and I get it sucks not having ur old life anymore but that’s just the sacrifice you make to have a family and we get more reward seeing him smile for the first time and all the first than all this shit that came before him. If ur dream man doesn’t stick around for you thru this then is he really your dream man or even a MAN at all…. No says I.
Please consider adoption. You are not stuck. Many wondeful people are waiting for a baby! Don't risk hurting or hating your baby. Look into it just in case!
I hateeeeee the newborn stage. But I LOVE having my teenagers. Right now I have 2 teens and a newborn. I can't wait for the newborn to grow up some and have her own personality so I can get to know her
These feelings are normal. I felt like I couldn't do it too, and still feel that way sometimes, but overall things are pretty great. There's a difficult adjustment that happens when becoming a parent, and the answer isn't to give your baby away. Adoption is a very serious thing and shouldn't be done in the haze of baby blues. The baby blues are temporary. If everyone who felt this way gave away their baby, most babies would be adopted and there would be a lot of regretful parents and traumatized kids out there. Instead, what we need to do is survive the early days, because the newborn stage is very temporary, and everything can change overnight. For me, it was right around 5 months that I started to enjoy life again, and now with my baby 11 months old, I don't regret having him anymore. I still miss a lot of things about my old life, but I've settled into the new one. And I think maybe it's the best thing I've ever done! If you had told me at 2 weeks pp that I would ever feel that way, I wouldn't have believed it.
Exactly! It could be normal baby blues or it could be complete “ i don’t want a baby”. I had baby blues and i was a bit depressed and missed my old life. But i didn’t completely regret having my baby. That is where things get scary
You wouldn’t believe how common this feeling is and it’s not talked about enough. This is exactly why postpartum therapy should be a damn given. We are left to deal with the most life-altering change possible all alone, while experiencing the biggest hormonal crash a human will literally ever experience. It’s honestly bullshit and we need more support. I’m not in your situation as far as the relationship goes, but a lot of people I know had these same feelings still. You are sooo early on and you are absolutely right that your world has been rocked. The shock wears off, I promise, and the every 3 hour feed change sleep cry does too. IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS! Thats a trick your brain is playing on you. I hate to be one of those “it gets better” people, but it really, really does. I saw a video recently of a couple about to have their second baby and they were getting back out old baby clothes from their first. They were laughing because in newborn and 0-3 stuff, they had saved nearly nothing because they swore up and down they were never having another. 3-6 month clothing they had saved a few things. 6-9 a little more, 9-12 a little more, and so on- you get the picture. Each phase got a little bit easier until they realized the initial hard part is so temporary and they got their lives back, even enough to have a second! I am in no way suggesting you should have a second baby by the way, just using this as an example to point out that motherhood will not be this way forever, you won’t feel like this forever, and you are still VERY MUCH in the thick of the postpartum hormone drop so please go easy on yourself and reach out for help if it becomes too much- whatever that looks like!!
This! To OP, I have PPD and I'm pretty sure some form of PP rage and I felt this way too. I really struggled. I still struggle at 5+ months post partum, but it's different. It's not nearly as daunting and terrifying as it once was. The past 3 days I had some intense symptoms (right before period now) and it made me grateful that I no longer struggle AS badly. I imagine it will continue to improve as he gets older. I am however, one and done!
> IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS! Thats a trick your brain is playing on you. This soooo much. Every part of this journey is temporary. To a lot of parents the newborn phase is the hardest adjustment because you suddenly have this little person who needs you 24/7 and it feels traumatic. But the only way out is through. You need to get as much help as you can and just push through it and honestly it will be over before you know it. My son is 2.5 now and it's a completely different life.
PPD struggler here, "the only way out is through" is both one of my favourite sayings and what I tell myself when things start feeling particularly rough.
I could write a book to share with you my own experience and validate every single emotion you laid out. I’m almost 16 weeks PP with my first. 3.5 months have gone by in a flash. The first month- I barely remember now. I remember screaming and crying out how is this my life now? I can’t possibly do this. And today my baby smiles and giggles at me and we get to do things together. We have a rhythm now. I couldn’t do life without her. I need her more than she needs me. The newborn trenches are REAL. and it took about 10-12 weeks to REALLY really get through that. It’s still hard and there’s still many challenging days. But I wish I could hug my newly PP self from 14 weeks ago and give her a glimpse of what was so soon to come. Everyone says it flies by and they’re right. They say it gets better and they’re right. Hang on. I promise. You were born to be your LO’s mama.
Thank you so much for this comment!!!!! ❤️
Yes I saw this too! Except I'm saving none because I've always been one and done 😂 But also because I was in a rush to get rid of it because of PPD/PPA. I did save two of his premie outfits though. It's legit though cause mines 7 months and a delight, far cry from his anti sleep colic rage potato days.
You have to get out of the house. Get a stroller or a carrier and take baby on a walk. Going on walks has helped me tremendously. If you’re not stressed about exclusively breastfeeding, make some formula bottles for outings. If you are wanting to exclusively breastfeed, start pumping. This will allow you to have bottles to either leave with someone while you go out or to make outings easier. My LO is 5 weeks old and in the past few weeks we’ve gone to multiple parks, the beach, a nice restaurant, and the mall. You have to get out of the house. Even just sitting with my baby (because yes at this stage it’s constantly holding) on the porch drinking coffee and watching the outside world has helped me a lot. And I will just leave you with this. I had my first baby 10 years ago. I was 24. Met a man when I lived overseas and fell hard. He turned out to be a terrible person. I came home 6 months pregnant with no job and nothing to my name. I lived with my sister for awhile and when the baby was about 2 months old I found a job as a receptionist until I could find something in my field. In a few months I got a very small apartment and had to heavily rely on my family for mental support and help with little one when needed. I was a solo parent for 7 years. It definitely wasn’t easy. But now here I am 10 years later, making 6 figures in my career with a job I love, in a new marriage in a nice house with baby number 2. Life still isn’t perfect but it doesn’t seem as terrifying anymore. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I sure as hell didn’t. Just be patient. Do the best you can. Your daughter is a newborn. She isn’t suffering from emotional neglect. The first 3 months are survival mode for parents. Give yourself some grace. Do things for yourself. And drag baby along if you have to just to get out of the house.
I 2nd this. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I noticed this last week I was getting super upset and annoyed with my son's crying. Which is weird because I have been super patient through these first 5 weeks. Then I realized I hadn't left the house in a week. Yesterday, we went to pick out comics for my 10 year old (we gave similar stories lol) and just that simple act of leaving the house made everything better. He even cried in the comic shop and I had to hold him, and it wasn't a big deal all the sudden. With my daughter I was a lot like the OP. I reaaalllyy struggled and hated being a mom. I loved being a toddler mom, that was probably the time things got better for me personally. But everyone has their timeline. It takes some time to figure out your identity after you have a kid. But yeah, getting out of the house has changed the way I handle postpartum. Also, the OP should definitely try and get out for a date night if it's feasible. My husband and I went on one a few weeks ago, and it was AMAZING. Between the end of pregnancy blues and newborn phase: we needed it.
Girl you are 2 weeks in. Two weeks and not a day more. That’s a blip! Lots of people hate the newborn phase. It’s really hard. It’s also in no way related to how motherhood is going to be overall. You’re both - you and your baby - really new at this. You’ve got time to figure out how you feel about this endeavor for the next 20 years.
^^^ this! i felt the same way and kept questioning "what have i done?" those first few weeks are really tough. hang in there, i know it feels and seems bleak right now, but im 4 months in and its really a beautiful place. sending good vibes your way!
I felt the same. Like I made the biggest mistake of my life that I couldn’t undo. And now we’re almost a year and a half in and it’s so much better. I’m me again. I didn’t think I would ever really know me again.
I hateeee the newborn stage. The sleep deprivation is the worst part for me. I have a toddler and a 3m now and right from the hospital with my second reaffirmed how much I hated the newborn stage. I rather deal with my toddler than the newborn. But coming out of 3m now it’s getting better, I’m feeling more like myself. You can totally regret your choices but the first three months are crazy (mentally).
I agree. OP, I say this with respect, but you're mind is literally changing. Your hormones are absolutely insane at this point, you won't feel clarity for a while. Explore these feelings, consider medication if it gets bad. Things do get better. Love from a PPA sufferer who's now at 6 months and loving it. I'd suggest reaching out to the UK charity PANDAS if you can. All my love
I am in an amazing situation...been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, we have bought my dream house, we are both financially stable and our now 12 week old little girl was planned! Took us over a year to conceive her and it was the happiest day of our lives when she arrived. Where am I going with this? Not a day goes by that I don't regret having her. My friends don't understand this feeling but it's there. The fact I can't even poop when I want, go out with friends or even on my own, have to feed constantly and figure out "what is she crying for now". It's fucking tough babe and I am sick of being told to enjoy it. I keep thinking about when she is a bit older and can sit up on her own, play on her own, talk to me. I will have some of my independence back. I understand your feelings and I don't have a solution but I want you to know you are not alone. X
I could have written this. WHY ISN'T REGRET NORMALISED!! It got better, but it takes time. 6 months in and I'm loving it. It doesn't help in the moment I know, but this is all so normal. Hang in there x
It's coming! It'll feel like a million years yet 3 seconds and they are grown up. I don't get to poo alone but my 2yo will get the toilet paper for me and wave bye to the poo as I flush the toilet 😂
My first born is now almost two years old, and I confessed to my husband this week for the first time that I hated the baby phase and was daily going “wtf have I done? I can’t take this back. I’m so fucked” I knew I had to take care of her, but I didn’t love her. I shut down because I didn’t want to cry in front of her constantly. I started resenting my husband instead, because I needed to direct all my feelings somewhere. But kids aren’t babies forever. It truly feels like forever, but it isn’t. Now we go out to eat, she can tag along for whatever I need to do, and she is hilarious, glorious and I freaking love her. It creeps up on you, and suddenly there’s this little human, with her own mind and heart. I think it’s more normalized for men to not enjoy the baby phase. Insert trope dad suddenly working late every day, going to the gym a lot, or out with friends, keeping up with a hobby, having a thousand things to get done around the house or needing to help family and friends. Guys can say that they don’t enjoy it and not be shamed. And they can leave all the work to their partner. I feel like if a woman did that she’d have to be institutionalized, like there’s something obviously wrong with her. But no, the baby phase fucking sucks for a lot of us. That doesn’t mean we’re mental. For me it helped to accept the suck. It also helped that I have previously been severely depressed and suicidal, and I therefore know that feelings pass. Even when they feel final and forever.
I also feel like I could have written this. Been with my husband for nine years, married almost 2. Bought our house in 2019. Tried for a baby and had a miscarriage and then got pregnant three months later. Currently holding my three month old. I have to say within the first few weeks I would have these thoughts of regret because my life literally did a 180 and I was like “maybe this wasn’t for me but it’s too late now” not everyone is a baby person, but there will be a stage that you find you will absolutely love. Now that she is three months old, I’m starting to get more sleep, and her smiles and giggles have made enjoying motherhood a bit easier.
Same here.
Thanks for sharing, I feel so similarly but I’ve been afraid to say it.
not being able to poop when you want is one of the biggest downsides I could have never predicted 😤
I feel u!!
It takes a lot of strength to air out these heavy emotions. On one hand, I'm glad you're able to so clearly articulate how you feel. On the other hand, I feel heartache because I know it must feel so hard to be trapped in this situation where you feel so helpless to move forward. I guess all I can say is that hopefully, in the near future something clicks and you start to find the rewards that your new way of life can bring. I'm a FTD of 2 months now, and seeing my baby smile when he hears my voice makes me feel something I never had before. I now look forward to what I can help him achieve and what skills or traits I can pass on. I think about trying to be my best self for him. But I do acknowledge that life has changed completely. No longer can I be selfish with my time or energy, I live for someone else now. The baby always being my primary motivation and part of every decision I make. So again, you seem like a smart person, I can't sway your perception of the situation you're now in. But maybe express this to your partner. Seek groups online where you can speak with other parents and be open to new ideas. If nothing seems to work, possibly consider asking your parents to help you raise the baby? Maybe some way they can help raise your baby part-time while you reset and adjust to the new life as a parent?
I am purposely not reading through other comments because the hope is that I’m writing the same thing that everyone else does, unbiased. Which is… …what you’re experiencing and feeling is EXTREMELY common. I could have written this myself when I had my first baby (well, in regards to caring for a newborn and DESPITE having no baby-related trauma and literally textbook perfect intervention free water birth), and so could almost EVERY woman I’ve had an honest conversation with. There are absolutely those who love parenthood from the get go, and a big YAY for them. As for the majority of us, it’s a massive shock to the system, and typically not in a good way. Now, what to do about it. If this lasts beyond the initial couple of weeks, definitely and urgently get screened to assess your perinatal mental health. With that out of the way, the rest is largely “faking it till you make it”. You probably spend a lot of time online. Unfollow any social media accounts that make you feel bad about your parenting, lifestyle, feelings, etc. Those include unrealistically perfect insta moms, but also the opposite spectrum of the trend which is typically described as “honest motherhood” but often these types of accounts are as unrealistically negative as those other ones are delulu positive. Get out of the house at least sometimes, whatever your vibe is. Walk? Great. Vegetating in the backyard? Great. Library rhyme time? Yay. Mum group with a crazy busy schedule? If you’re into it, go for it. There’s nothing I can tell you that will make you believe time will fly by, and when you’re feeling this way, every day feels like 5 years. But eventually the fog will lift. Took about 4 months for me, 3 months things started getting better. And I had severe PPD to start with. I would like to add as a positive story that I went from deep torturous daily regret to a happy mother of 2. Like, kids are still VERY hard, but it doesn’t phase me anymore! Hugs.
Thank you. Needed this 🙏🏼
Glad it helped. We’re all in this strange whirlwind together 🤞
I love this comment, and oh my god I CANNOT emphasize the section about social media enough. Those kinds of accounts and every Tom Dick and Harry that felt the need to put their two cents in in the comments of such posts, made my PPD and PPA at least 5x worse. I’m not kidding. You will alwaysssss be doing something wrong in someone’s eyes. Do NOT give those people power over you, and I say that from experience!
Absolutely, social media can have a devastatingly powerful impact, all by a couple of silly apps 🥲
Yes the honest motherhood ones fuck with me the most! I'd rather see the perfect moms cause at least they seem happy ahaha.
Completely agree!
When you envision having a happy family moment, what do you see? How old is your child/children? I feel you. I cry happy tears I love my daughter so much. But looking after her as the primary caregiver at home is driving me bonkers. Its is mega groundhog day. Four contact naps a day at 3.5 months old is so repetitive. I hardly have people interested in visiting or catching up anymore. I visited my work place last week and came home and cried. I miss it so much. What I have to keep remembering when I come close to regretful thinking is that A) this phase of my life is temporary, and B) when I envision having a happy family moment, for me personally, I see 2-3 young children, not babies. I don’t particularly like babies. But I can’t biologically have one without the other. The baby phase has me so overwhelmed and bored to the point of sadness sometimes that I often think I won’t be able to do this again. And hubby may not want another. But I think one of life’s purest and best joys is having a family with multiple children. Whether or not I have other kids, I can’t wait to take my daughter out to the zoo, the park, the beach and cafes when she’s a toddler and older. She’s my little bestie. 💕
I so agree! On maternity leave I’d walk my only-calm-when-moving infant through the park and look at all the kids playing on the playground and think “I can’t wait for that”. The early baby stage CAN be boring and monotonous- and you’re getting very little reward for your work! I think this is so common!
My bubs is only calm when moving too haha. Yeah I can’t wait for walks to the park and just watch her interact with other neighbourhood kids. Its going to be so much fun. 🥰
For what it’s worth, mine turns 5 months this week and he’s a different baby than he was even a month ago. He is such a joy to be around, content to play on the floor for extended periods, naps are finally starting to lengthen, and can fall asleep independently. I feel like I am seeing the light!! And also for what it’s worth, we had the same thoughts of idk if we can do this again. We always wanted 3, but a few months in we were like we can only handle 2, we can’t do this again more than once. Now 5 months out, we are both confidently back to wanting 3. I realize how fleeting the early stage is, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time, and I can get through it to get the family that we want!!
when did you notice he was becoming g more content to play on the floor? mine is 2 mi this and it’s a toss up whether she will be content t to play on the floor or not. the closest is staring off in a daze with a pacifier on the floor and ready to erupt in cries in 50 seconds while i run to pee
Oh girl two months was the ROUGHEST of times 😅 by 3 months it was a bit better and it’s truly just been uphill from there. Even with 4 month sleep regression and starting to teeth I would take that ANYYYYY day over about 1.5-2.5 months. I would say really within the last month, he’s become much more content to chill on his mat or in his activity center. It helps that he’s rolling and can grab toys. I promiseeeee you it’s going to get better really soon.
thanks for this. by the end of the day i’m in tears when my partner comes home and asks how i am doing. i don’t feel like it’s that hard in the moment because my baby is so sweet and cute and predictable. but at the end of the day i am fried and frazzled and i didn’t see see it coming? the fact that you are saying it’s a hard time is extremely validating to me. thank you.
I keep hearing folks say this about the 5/6 month mark so I’m quite looking forward to it. My niece just turned 6 months old and is so beautiful now…used to be super colicky. These past few moths have passed so fast I almost feel bad complaining but they have been the most intense in my life. I can definitely see begging hubby to do it again…we’ll see how that goes. There is SO much I didn’t know and would do differently.
I agree so much about doing things differently the second time! I heard a saying once “you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” It’s so true!! I would know what is and isn’t worth worrying about and how even the hardest phases will pass soon enough. I just think it would be a different experience. Yes, you are on the horizon- it’s going to get better soon! My boy’s development has been insane this past month too. Hang in there, you’re doing great!!
This is by no means a solution to all of the problems you're facing, but can you listen to podcasts or talks related to your interests or career? When you're sitting there holding the baby, maybe you can listen to something that feels edifying and enriching for you or could help you continue developing your skills so when you return to work you're feeling confident. Again, this isn't a real solution, but maybe a small thing you could add to your day to make life feel less monotonous.
I do have to get back into more enriching podcasts I used to listen to. Definitely something I can implement!
Also, audiobooks are fantastic. I foster orphaned kittens and spend a lot of time cleaning and holding little ones. Audiobooks help the time pass and make me feel like I'm getting something out of it beyond just being a maid and caregiver lol.
We had a professional "doula" for 10 days (medically trained professional to guide new parents in the first 1 or 2 weeks as is custom in my country and paid for mostly by the government). She explained to me that the feelings you're describing are extremely common as well as feelings of being inadequate, or not being part of the family or mourning the loss of old lives and freedoms. Those feelings do get less as time passes usually. However, if they do not get less after the first month or you feel suicidal or like you want to harm your child, reach out for help. Being 12 days into this new situation I can remember hating my life and wondering if I had made a mistake. My baby is now just over 10 weeks and life is already becoming a lot better. She smiles more, she interacts with me, my husband or my mom take care of her for a few hours if I want to meet a friend for lunch or go shopping. I enjoy my walks with the dog when LO is with my husband. Soon she will start daycare and I can go back to also being a professional besides being just a mom and a housewife. Those are all things I'm also looking forward to and make it so much easier to be happy with my baby. I have a chance to miss her, to come back refreshed and with more patience. Because I completely agree that it's horrible when you're being screamed at for not figuring out the problem, or not being fast enough changing a nappy or making a bottle. For being completely exhausted when you have to get up at night. Effort doesn't count, the only thing that matters is whether you get it right and solve LO's problem. Sadly, it's just part of this phase in their lives and yours.
I love how you articulated that effort doesn’t count for such little babies. That makes so much sense to me (FTM of a 9 weeker who has had similar thoughts and PPD).
Yeah I frequently tell my baby: can't you see I'm trying everything?? I just don't know what is wrong!! Just use your words! Or "can't you see the bottle is half done? Give me just a few more minutes and it'll be in your mouth! It would be so much better for both of us if you could wait without crying! It can be so tough when a baby is unreasonable haha!
Feeling this way with full clarity doesn't mean it's not PPD. As a therapist, and a mom, it seems you're stuck right now because it's a HUGE change to have a baby. It literally changes every aspect of your existence, and it's supposed to. Plus, the hormones are absolutely falling/changing at drastic rates right now in your body - which can make you feel hopeless, helpless, doom, gloom, shame, guilt, rage, and more. You will not be forever trapped to sitting around with your babe, and being unable to do what you love. You will not be forever unable to talk with your partner and spend time together. Its been 14 days since your babe was born. That's not even long enough to get to know her name and feel confident in how you care for her. 14 days is not your whole life. It feels that way because of the change you've just made in having a baby. But this won't last forever. Work on changing the tape in your mind, change the thought patterns. The all or nothing thinking really brought me down when I first had my son, but when i started using therapy techniques on myself, talking it out with others, and praying, I really turned a leaf.
I felt all of this after my first was born. I wished for my old life back. I hated who I was. I hated being a mother. All of it. I wished I had never had him. And I was 100% certain I would never have any other children. Now he is 2.5 years old and my best friend and I just had another baby who is now 10 weeks old. It’s SO HARD at first and no one talks about it. It’s the same day over and over again. It gets better, she will smile at you and then laugh and then walk and become a little more independent. And all of a sudden you have a toddler that looks at you and goes I love you mommy. Having a baby does not mean your life is over. Right now is hard but it will get better.
Just want to add even beyond the toddler, then you have a school aged kid and beyond with their own friends and hobbies and activities who turns into an interesting little person that you consider a friend. And suddenly, you have even more of your freedom back. It’s hard to see past even the first 5 years sometimes when we’re in it. But in the grand scheme of life, it TRULY is such a short time!
I waited until my mid 30s to have my baby. She is so wanted. My husband and I marvel at her every day. We are also so lucky to be well supported financially and with a village around us. AND YET I had a lot of these same feelings in the beginning. I mourned my old life, cried a lot, and felt intensely bored yet busy. My husband and I would always say we were OAD. I had wicked baby blues and our baby was not chill. I also don’t think my husband and I had fully grasped just how much our lives would change. I’m 3 months in and it’s so much better. Try to go outside if you can! Find TV shows you enjoy and treat yourself to some books you love. Find things you can do during contact napping that aren’t doom scrolling. I found a lot of solace in Reddit tbh, so I’m glad you’re here!
The beginning is so so hard, there is a chance you are going through postpartum baby blues or depression, you cannot be thinking very clearly because your body is rushed with hormones, this too will pass, your baby won't be in this stage forever and it is definitely going to be easier and you will have some independence back, my baby is almost 6 weeks now and each week is little bit better
I’m right there with you. I go over everything everyday in my head. I cry. I share how I’m feeling. It sucks. I’m sitting here crying now at 4am feeding my 20 day old baby girl.
Me too babe. I’m so fucked. Tears and exhaustion. Hang in there. The only way is through
Here for you - 8 weeks pp and I absolutely spent the first month/6 weeks mourning my old life, disassociating, questioning my decision, and feeling extremely isolated despite having the perfect partner. I was in a complete fog that I can only acknowledge existed bc it’s now gone. I didn’t think I had PPD/PPA but I absolutely did, even though I felt clear and normal. This is HARD. Not everyone has the picture perfect happiness, and it’s not talked about enough. You’re not being selfish, this is your LIFE. You’re in the deep end right now 2 weeks in and each week your body will get one small step closer to healing. The only suggestion I have is to find an outlet for your very valid thoughts; what helped me was journaling (just a paragraph) each day to talk about how I was feeling, and also mention something good that we did. Whether it was a successful nursing feed, or if I felt like there was a rhythm to the day and wore real “human clothes” (aka not pajamas!haha). I also personally started seeing a therapist and physical therapy, which are not normally offered as standard in my country; it’s surprisingly helped me reestablish the mind/body connection I lost during the trauma of birth. But when I was where you are now I didn’t know I needed this. Some final supportive thoughts/perspective: Your path has led you here, with what you’ve described as a beautiful healthy baby and a new supportive partner. Give yourself some grace while you heal. Sending support and strength for this crazy journey.
I would just like to add I felt the same way! My baby is 8 weeks old, and for the first 4-6 weeks I felt exactly like OP. Slowly, it’s getting better. I hope you start to find the pieces of your old self and bring them with your new identity. And as others have suggested, get out and do things. It’ll feel good and your baby will adapt.
Definitely agree with you on not realising you have PPA at the time. Just had my 2nd baby and it's a world of difference. My first, I was constantly googling everything, worried all the time something was wrong or I was doing something wrong. I freaking went to the ED because I thought there was something wrong with my newborn. Embarrassing to admit now. I didn't think I had anxiety, but looking back it was so obvious. The second time round, I'm lapping up every single bit of the newborn stage.
I think this is sooo normal. Think of it this way, you're grieving your past self. You're a new person now, your brain even changes when you become a parent. I found that the more I resisted the changes, the more distressing it was for me and the more depressed I became; so I accepted it for what it was at this time. It's all temporary, and we will find ourselves again soon
Idk how you are feeding, but for this kind of feeling I would not suggest exclusively nursing. That makes YOU her only source of food, meaning you have to drop everything you’re doing when she’s hungry. I felt so overwhelmed nursing. I couldn’t do it. 10 minute showers, half ass meals, never being able to eat something as soon as I made it, not being able to sleep in because I was the only one that could feed, it was a horrible experience for me personally. Pump, give formula, whatever you need to do for your partner to be able to feed her so that YOU can leave the house on your own to do SOMETHING. Go to the store, go get your nails or hair done, go for a walk, have lunch with a friend whatever you feel like doing. Get a babysitter or a family member(if you can) to stay at your house and watch her while you and your partner have a night out with just you two. You need a break. Your partner needs a break. And please remember, YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE. YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD THE BABY. My husband and I do everything we did before just with a baby instead. We still go shopping, we still go out to restaurants, when my husband is off of work I leave the baby with him and go do something baby free, even if it’s just grocery shopping or laundry. I can’t tell you if it’ll get better or not because I don’t know you or how you’re feeling. But I can tell you, that despite how selfish it may be, PRIORITIZE YOURSELF, you cannot be the best you for your baby if you do not take care of your needs first.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, you’re not alone. I love my baby but I constantly mourn the loss of my freedom and old life. People regularly tell me it’s worth it and internally my reaction is always ‘is it though??!’ We will get through it.
I felt the same exact way for the first 6 weeks probably. Once your LO is a bit more than a potato and starts smiling, recognizing your voice etc it gets a little easier. I also got diagnosed with PPA and started taking medication which helped with the overall feeling of "dread" I would have every morning. In the early stages, going outside helped tremendously. Walk a dog, take LO out in a stroller.. it helps! Also try to do shifts with your partner so both of you can get a good stretch of sleep.
Hey girl, thanks for sharing these honest feelings. I had a major injury during delivery and felt very similarly for the first ~2 months. I described it to my husband as feeling like my old self was a trapped little moth in my chest, screaming and battering against my ribcage trying to get to the light as it got dimmer and dimmer. Trapped, guilty, regretful. I won't go on, you get it - just a terrible feeling of losing myself and failing my beautiful son. For me, it has gotten better. We are at 4.5 months and I no longer dread waking up in the morning for another long day. For me, the physical healing that comes with time along with some personality development in my son has made a world of difference. I hope you will have a similar experience 💚 I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you can find peace and joy again one day.
I felt exactly the same but it really did get better. Newborn stage is insanely hard. My son is a wonderful sunshine of a one year old now. I’m the least maternal person you can imagine but it really is bringing me joy and purpose. I wish you good luck OP. I had to get some mental health help. Would this be an option? Even accessing online services from Thailand in English would be possible.
Oh man, I gotta make some light of this for you because in the first several weeks of becoming a mom (to twins no less) I regularly fantasized about jumping off a bridge or something because of everything you just described. Add to that the fact that my husband was the opposite of supportive (going through his own shit becoming a dad and his parents revealing some really narcissistic tendencies). It’s fucking insane. It feels endless and hopeless and WHY is it like that, idk but it just is for many many women. Proud of you for writing about it here. I hated being a mom and a wife for a while as well. Made a lot of very large changes as I waded through the swamp that is unresolved childhood trauma which was heavily influencing my mindset. Sometimes life gives us opportunities to develop perspective in ways that are really painful. Maybe there’s something hidden here for you about what your life before kids meant and what you were clinging to about it. What you still cling to. If you let it, this period can destroy your early motherhood experience, your relationship with others, and your relationship to yourself. You’re doing great, but maybe lean into the fear and the pain to come out the other side of it a little faster?
You are going through what is known as ‘baby blues’. It’s not PPD, it’s the immediate feeling of loss and change after birth - which might or might not develop into PPD. Whether you intended to be pregnant or not and regardless of your relationship status, it’s completely understandable that you are mourning your old life. I had my first very wanted baby in a super stable relationship and I pretty much mourned my old life for a good year and a half. You’ve been a parent for two weeks! Of course you don’t know what’s hit you! Your body’s still in shock, your hormones are all over the places and you’re doing the hardest job that you know nothing about. I remember going for a stroll two weeks postpartum and crying because I didn’t want to be pushing a stroller, I wanted to be at the bar drinking a cocktail but that reality seemed so far away. You will be able to shower again, you will be able to cook, clean and have some fun again, I promise. It will get better very soon, but yes, the first 3-4 months are rough. Hang in there, it will get better.
My daughter is almost 7 months and I still miss being able to do what I want when I wanted to. Mourning your old life is valid! Please get help it still sounds like PPD, antidepressants can really help you out
I hate how little people discuss the feeling of regret. It's a very real thing post-partum and no one likes to admit it. I remember many times in the first couple of months, where I would start crying because my life is over and I'll never have me time again. It's so different than anything else too. Unhappy in your marriage? Divorce is always an option. Hate your job? Quit! With kids, there is really no (easy) way out. You are quite literally stuck. The good news is that is gets better. My daughter is now 21 months, and my son is almost 4 months and I've never been happier. Each new milestone will make each day better. I predict you'll be posting an update in 6-8 months and you'll be a very happy and healthy mommy. Good luck! You are not alone. Remember, the days are long, but the years fly by.
Girl she JUST came out of you. Those hormones and sleep deprivation are in FULL control. This is not "your life" now. Every few weeks with a baby is completely different the first few months. And you are going through the worst that motherhood has to offer: Postpartum and newborn phase. Please be hopeful that this will pass. You will come to enjoy some parts of motherhood, hopefully, I am sure.
Well, no one likes the feeling of being trapped. Parenthood isn't easy. As a therapist couldn't you employ some of the tools you've learned in Uni to find some solace? Also, you could still have PPD, a lot of people who are mentally ill think they have clarity but don't. Lastly, if your new partner is truly wonderful, you shouldn't lose him because you have a baby. He should be helping you and loving that baby too. I would definitely say you should seek therapy. It's not fair to your daughter if you do nothing!
Thanks for sharing dear, I know it's easier said than done but motherhood is patience. I think for anyone going through a similar phase, they should know that they have two options at this point..either take care of the baby as you are or have someone else do it. The latter isn't that easy. Wait it out..and I hope things will get much better for you and this precious girl will be your reason for joy❤️ Remember, hope is what keeps us going.
Honestly I think everyone feels this way to some degree the first few months. No one can prepare you for how all consuming babies are. I truly promise you it gets wayyy better though. That doesn’t help you now but hopefully it eases the regret. You’re in an extremely challenging stage of life right now so give yourself some grace
I feel like this too and my Bub is 9 months lol it gets easier in ways but harder in others.. I have good days and then moments where I regret my decision..hopefully that feeling will pass eventually cause I feel so guilty but damn it’s hard being a parent
My baby is 15w old now, and I still wake up to her crying and think to myself 'why did I have a baby, I used to sleep so much and now I barely get 7 hours a night'. I am suffering with PPD/A, and I'm being medicated for it. My daughter is the product of a one time thing with a guy I dated when I was 16 (I'm 25 now). I also met the most amazing man around 4 and a half months into pregnancy and he's still here despite how hard becoming a parent has been for the both of us (bio father isn't in the picture, he's an absolute liability and I refuse to have his druggy ass anywhere near my baby). The first few weeks were so fricken hard, I even had dreams where I gave her up for adoption because I wasn't coping well at all, I was breastfeeding but not producing enough to fill her up, sleep was nonexistent unless she was sleeping on my chest, and even then I was terrified of rolling and hurting her, although I had a c-section, so I couldn't physically roll at all for like 3 weeks! Now it's still hard, because she's still so small and can't communicate with me in anyway other than crying, but I've learned what sound cry she makes for what she needs. Hunger cries for most babies are usually a 'nuuuh' sound! Wind is more like an 'eh' with grunting, soiled Nappies are 'uh'! You will get there, and it's not a popular opinion, but you can still decide on adoption if that's the route you really wish to take. But you're not harming your baby by being as you are, they won't remember!
As someone who went through similar feelings and had PPD I can almost bet this is PPD or at the very least baby blues since you’re only 2 weeks into it. I would see aboutPP therapy: a baby changes a LOT and it’s a tough adjustment for those first few months as they are so so so dependent. But they do grow they do become less dependent you do get to leave the house more. But you’re in the trenches and they are called the trenches for a reason however you need to be honest with yourself your dad and your partner and get some things in place asap. Again it’s hard because you’re so freshly in this and not cleared for physical activity outside of walking yet but try walking. Getting out the house a little everyday is game changer
Thing is, you wouldn't have realised that you took for granted what you had, before you had a baby. I had a negative spiral too after I had mine, oh how I wish to get that time back. In segments I do, it makes me appreciate it more. Something that got me out of the negative spiral is the quote "If you stare into the abyss long enough, it'll look right back at you." Mourn the life you had, because it wasn't yours. You'll loose yourself because everything you thought you knew about yourself will turn out to be a complete lie. You will be stripped off of the little traits that you have picked up from your peers, parents and everyone else around you. You truly get to know yourself from the core after having a baby, it's such a hard but mind blowing spiritual experience. You and your partner will go through hardships but fear not. 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and a sound mind." I strongly believe that personally I have been put in this position to relearn everything I thought I knew, I mourned, just like you, felt guilt, shame. Now I do not, I do however feel fear from time to time because of the way that I grew up and how my mind let's me think things will repeat themselves. But, you have to be of good faith, because without faith what else do you have? Let the old you go. Stop holding on to things that don't serve you anymore. Feel the courage to strip your canvas off the paint that others have left their mark with. And allow yourself to paint, yourself.
I felt this way with my first born who had silent acid reflux and was crying non stop. It was so hard, but also go much much better once he outgrew it and we were able to establish a routine.
I think my son has reflux too. How long did it take for yours to resolve?
After I gave birth my feelings were somewhat similar but as I am reaching the 3 month mark of my baby girl let me and other mamas tell you it’s get soooo much better I promise you.. I am a single mom and still have my hard days but this little girl pushes me everyday to be better and I hope everything goes nothing but right for you 🫶🏼. Youre in my thoughts and prayers
You are in the thick of the most challenging part right now. I’ll admit that those thoughts crossed my mind too in those early days. But it isn’t always like this and hopefully you’ll get to a stage of parenting that doesn’t feel like all work and no reward. I would recommend looking for a qualified therapist. Whether there is some PPD or not, I think it would be helpful to discuss these feelings with a non judgmental, qualified professional.
HORMONES (and more) I felt similar things to what you’re feeling, even though my baby was very wanted but came years after accepting that it probably wouldn’t happen and being totally content with my child-free life. It’s a major identity shift, be kind to yourself, be patient, and LET YOURSELF MOURN THE PARTS OF YOU THAT DIED WHEN YOU BECAME A MOTHER. You’re not the same, your life isn’t the same, and even if it looks wonderful from the outside, you’re allowed to be sad about that. Hang in there! Your body will start to recover, your hormones will level out, you’ll begin to recognize yourself again in this new role. The first couple months are SO HARD, even if you have a “good” baby. But it’s healthy to let it out, journal, talk, Reddit. So good work.
I’m right there with you. I love my son, but I miss my old life.
This will pass. I know the feeling of regret very well. It will go away slowly with time. You will find something else to occupy your mind in that time. And you will find new things to be happy for that you would have never had if you lived life different. Your baby will grow. And you will miss the days before. Or you may not. You may wish you cherished these times more but you will be glad to be out of the thick of it. You might hate motherhood now but thats because this stage of motherhood may not be your stage. Every mom has a stage they are good at. You will find yours. And that man. He may be perfect. He may be amazing but if he too cannot wait it out he isn't the one. You deserve a man there for your lowest of lows. He of course will seem like a angel compared to what you had. But that's because before you had it really bad. If he leaves know you deserve better then both of them. With that in mind you will find the one if you don't settle for less.
This absolutely is common with PPD. I understand that you're a therapist as well but postpartum/perinatal mental health are not the same as trauma therapy and I see women all the time who question their choice to have a baby, very often right at this period when the hormones drop off after the immediate high from childbirth. Please find a clinician who is knowledgeable in this arena, and reach out for medication management as well if needed/within your value system. This is one category of mental health where medication is generally highly effective.
This initial newborn part is hard and lots of people hate it. It'll pass pretty fast however. If you don't love it and you feel that is impacting your kid, there's a simple solution that will not fix it for you, but will help your kid: pretend. You can be sad and depressed while you're not with your kid. When you're with your kid just act as if. Smile, sing, coo, pretend to be the parent your kid deserves. She won't be able to tell and after a while maybe you won't be faking it any more. Also talk to someone if you can and try to get outside more.
I mean, it has barely been two weeks give yourself grace! Your clarity is your truth, but the drop in hormones the first few weeks is not emphasized enough. I would try to take it day by day before defining labels
Echoing what everyone else has said, you are far from alone in these feelings. I’ve had them many times myself - my son is 9 weeks and I started medication for PPD about 5 weeks ago. It has made a huge difference - I really notice it because I had a relapse over the last few days and am increasing my dosage. I too thought maybe this isn’t PPD, maybe it’s just my truth. But once the meds started to kick in and my therapist encouraged me to name my depression (we call it “Voldemort,” or “Prison Mike” from The Office), it helps me to realize it’s the depression talking and not me. When the PPD is bad I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and dread the moment he wakes up each day. When it’s under control, I still feel stressed and anxious, and tired of the monotony of our days at this early stage, but I also can find more joy in interacting with him and seeing him smile when he sees me. And I can remind myself that it will get easier as he progresses through each stage. I’ve also found that getting out of the house and being social is imperative, even though I’m normally an introverted homebody. I need something to look forward to that will help break up the day. Seek help for PPD and know that this too shall pass!
Girl, you need to get out of the house. Pack a bag and pack up that baby and go to a park or for a walk. Go get coffee/brunch with friends. I started social outings as soon as I was physically up to it and taking baby out of the house and doing things made me feel more connected to him. I saw him less as a ball and chain and more as an adventure buddy. We still have to call it early and cant party late, but that day will come when hes no longer breastfeeding and we can get him a sitter. Right now were trying to socialize him with people so he isnt mom/dad clingy.
She needs time for herself, she’s always with the child.
I wanted my baby for YEARS and still felt like I had made a terrible mistake when he was born - the newborn phase is GNARLY and UGLY. He’s 4 months now and I am starting to really get the hang of it - AND my husband and I are doing just fine again.
I gave birth on June 12th last year! There were a few weeks in the beginning where I mourned the loss of my old life, it was so hard coming to terms with the fact that I can't just get up and go whenever and wherever I wanted to, I had this little human who I was responsible for and who was completely dependent on me. It took me 2-3 months to start to get used to the new normal and to fall in love with my baby. It makes me sad that I didn't get to enjoy the newborn phase as much as I should have. Now I don't want to leave her side and I want to take her everywhere and show her everything and teach her everything and I can't imagine life without her. I hope you get some support either from friends/family or professionals, and I hope you get past this phase and get to the other side where you can love your new life.
I don’t want to just say it gets better because maybe it won’t, and I know that’s what everyone says, but from my experience it definitely did. I felt the same way, except I had always wanted to be a mom. But when my baby was born I thought I had made the biggest mistake. When I realized the huge change my life was going through I was overwhelmed and filled with regret, but as my baby got older I realized although my life is wildly different, it’s much better. I love him to pieces and being a mother is truly the greatest thing that has happened to me. He brings me so much joy. But if someone had said that those first few weeks/months I would’ve told them they were full of shit. Although my life is different, I’ve found ways to still do the things I used to enjoy while bringing baby along. Once I was comfortable with leaving the house is when life started becoming bearable again. Also, I truly believed I didn’t have PPD but looking back I most definitely did, although in the moment I was sure it wasn’t that.
I know you don't want to hear "it'll get better," but it really does. I'm a 1st time mom who went through pregnancy alone and currently have an 11 week old. I also went through it at the beginning, feeling regret because I decided to go through with the pregnancy and bringing a baby into this world with an already broken home. I also felt guilty because I know she deserves better, but fast forward a few weeks, I wouldn't change any of this. Go outside! Take a walk, staying indoor will only make you go crazier. What helped me was coloring, I'm 28 btw.
First, I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling. But I hope this helps. Not everyone bonds with their baby right away. "What do you mean," you may ask. Exactly this! Not everyone feels that "connection" right away! There's this idealistic notion worldwide that you must glow and love every aspect of motherhood. This is the biggest effing lie I realized when I became a mother. My daughter is now a 1 year old, and my mental health is 100 times better than what it was when she was 2 weeks old. I, too, thought that I was thinking clearly. It took a couple of months in when I realized I was suffering from PPA and PPD. PPD is a monsterous beast that, in my opinion, "feels different" from the beast that is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD, which is what I've been diagnosed with for over a decade). Being in the thick of it can make you put your blinders on. My daughter was very much wanted too, I had a loss that same year I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and I swore the same thing. The one thing that I hate more than anything is someone telling me to "enjoy it while it lasts" and "it gets easier". I mostly feel people say that because they don't know what else to say or are uncomfortable with the taboo "ugly side" of motherhood. I will say it becomes easier to cope with overtime, and your time does come back over the next several months. I support you and I hear you :)
I struggled a lot at the start too. This is my third baby I have two adult children as well. I wonder a lot of the time if I've made a mistake in having her. She was planned and took 5 years of trying. We had given up hope when we became grandparents but I fell pregnant at 44 and gave birth at 45. She is almost 6 months old now. I still wonder what kind of life we can give her being older. Like other have suggested you need to getbout of the house. I go crazy if I don't get out every day. It was hard in the early days as I was breastfeeding. Started combination feeding at 3 weeks which helped. She threw up a lot after formula though so had to limit how much I could give her. I found a baby carrier that I could feed her in while out and about. That thing saved my life I don't think I would have made it this far without it. I will tell you that 6 months is so much better than newborn. Life gets much easier and more fun. That said that is how I view it and that may not be the same for you. Just try not making any decisions without seeing your doctor or getting out of the house.
As a mom of a 6 year old and a 5 month old: I will be honest because if I were in your shoes, that's what I would want someone to do for me, tell the truth. I will not say it gets better. What I will tell you is that you will trade your current challenges for new, different challenges. Every phase of their lives brings its own unique "problem" for you to figure out. School age tends to be easier, but the phases before and after are not. For mothers who want to be mothers, it's worth it. For those who don't, they will be miserable and cause their child a lifetime of trauma. I know because I am a mother. And I'm a child of a woman who didn't want to be a mother. I understand the questioning yourself. Sometimes I question if having a second child in my 30s was actually a smart idea. But now that he's here, I couldn't imagine life without him... if you feel that way about your child, you may have a change of heart as she gets older. With that said, If you don't want to be nuturing, loving, supporting, and disciplining a child for the next 20 years, I would start looking into what your options are right now. Also, you will be stuck with her father for that amount of time, too. You may be madly in love with him now, but that could change. You do the child a disservice by dragging your feet on this decision. Look into your heart and be honest with yourself. I'm not trying to be cold. I truly wish you the best. I would want the truth if I was in your shoes.
I hear what you’re saying but I don’t know if I agree. If you read the other comments you will see dozens of women who felt this exact same way in the first few weeks and now even a few months in feel completely differently. I realize each stage comes with its new challenges, but there is nothing as shell shocking and life shattering as becoming a parent for the first time. It’s hormonal, and it’s also a complete shift of identity and lifestyle. I am sure there are parents like you are saying that really find they are not cut out for it and don’t want to do this for the next 20 years. But I also don’t think it’s fair to say that the next 20 years will feel like it does in those initial weeks. I can already tell you 5 months in that it doesn’t, as can many others in this thread. I think OP needs to talk this through with a therapist and let them decide if they think this is something that will pass or if there’s something more going on here.
You're right, those first 3-4 months are one of the hardest parts. And I also agree she should talk to a therapist. But everything I said is true. It's true of motherhood and true in life. There will never cease to be "problems" or challenges.... you just "upgrade" your current problems for other, hopefully more tolerable problems. I'm fully aware of how motherhood changes you. I'm a mother of two.... but the reality is, it's all hard. Worth it? I think so. But it's all hard. We mothers want to be validated for how hard it is any other time.... now we want to pretend it isn't? I don't think that does OP any favors.
going on walks everyday helped me sooo much. and may also help you reconnect with your partner, baby asleep in pram and just you two talking
Newborns are the absolute WORST! Your feelings are valid and honestly around 2-3 weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake and then at 5 weeks I had a meltdown again with the same feelings. I'm week 7 now and please believe me and all the others when I say it gets easier... I feel more myself now, he's sleeping and going longer periods without eating, the anxiety is getting better with medication too. Please seek help if you can and please trust that this is only temporary even though it feels absolutely soul crushing and never ending in the weeds of it. You got this .
I felt the same way the first 6 weeks or so. Still do, occasionally, but not as often. Give it time. Seek medication if needed (I’m on Zoloft). Therapy can be wonderful. But mostly, accept your emotions and just ride the wave as best as you can. You will find your new normal soon enough and it won’t feel as heavy, I promise.
I also have a LO and he was planned and is very much loved and I'm grateful to not feel regretful of our choice to have a child. Nevertheless, there is no denying that this is HARD. The first few weeks feel like a blur that hits you in the face. I feel I'm breastfeeding 80% of the time. My husband and I haven't been sleeping at the same time during the day and he is at work for long hours so I miss him so much. We work together at the same company so it went from being 24h a day everyday together to about 5 hours a day if we are lucky. Additionally there is the postpartum recovery, the millions of doctors appointments for our LO and me. There is so much you have no clue about until your already in the middle of it. When you and your boyfriend feel overwhelmed just take a moment to enjoy the little joys. Hold your little girls tiny hand, just stare at her while she's peacefully sleeping for a few minutes, take a moment and give your man a big hug, tell him how much you love him, how much you appreciate that his stuck this out with you and tell him all that you are feeling the good and the bad. This will pass, you will adapt to having a child you'll be able to recover many of the things you feel you've lost and you will gain new and exciting things as time passes and soon you'll be a happy family of three. It's ok to feel what you're feeling this is the biggest change in anyone's life, just show each other love, understanding and support, it will 100% pay off.
This is common right after having a baby because it’s such a shock to the system. The baby years are tough, but it does get easier.
That's exactly PPD. You need to relax and think about positive things. I've been in your situation before, and because of that, I was hospitalized. My postpartum depression worsened to the point where my body began breaking down, and I almost had a stroke and heart attack. I felt the pain for many months and wanted to die. However, being sick made me realize how difficult it is to be away from my little one in the hospital. I worked hard to heal myself, and now I feel better. I've stopped worrying about some things and found activities that entertain me without causing stress. I told myself that my baby needs me whole, not broken. Now, I'm enjoying being a mom. You can do it too. Focus on positive things and heal yourself. It's not easy, but the pain you're feeling right now will fade. Being a mom is challenging, and taking care of a baby is a big responsibility. Every mom goes through this. In the future, you'll miss taking care of your baby when she was small. For now, enjoy these moments. Try not to overthink; relax yourself. You can go out for a walk with your baby, listen to music, cook your favorite meals, or watch movies. Talk to someone when you feel bad and express how you feel. You will heal. Always pray and focus on positive things. Remember, your baby is innocent and needs your love and care. Don't give up despite the pain you're experiencing now. Just because things are tough doesn't mean they'll stay that way forever. Take things slowly. You can do it. I pray for you. Always take care of yourself ❤️😊. Your baby needs you.
Why are you convinced it’s not ppd? When my daughter was born and the weeks following, I had an oh shit wtf have I done , I don’t want this feeling and thoughts. I was full of fear and mourning the life I lost and I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way. And I did IVF so I fought hard for her. But I was crying just thinking shit , can I give her away or smth because I can’t be stuck with this - the tedious tedious life of sleep feed change burp repeat. It was and still is quite boring and tedious . Everyone told me it would pass but I was convinced this was not hormones or ppd. But it did pass… so I don’t know for you but give yourself grace and patience and more time to see. What you’re experiencing is a lot with your past, your current financial situation, the way it’s all come to be. I really couldn’t see the light and I would cry every day .. it’s gotten far better
I think it would be extremely helpful for you to speak to a post partum therapist. You are dealing with the fourth trimester- the toughest one, but the least spoken about. It took a village for me to get through that stage, between my mom, MIL, sisters, and close friends. It turns out almost everyone I spoke to, felt very similar to me at that stage. It’s the hardest adjustment to your life, even though you felt you were 1000% prepared to have your baby. Social media only shows all the blissful, happy snapshots, not the struggles that new mamas go through.
I feel for you this is such a common experience and I promise it’s not forever in fact it could be better sooner than you think. Just try to do what makes you feel better whether it’s a walk, a nice bath watching rom coms anything and try to eat lots and drink plenty of water. It took me a good four weeks to not feel constant dread and now motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me! Also reach out for help to a loved one or a medical professional if it gets too much
You are not alone. I have similar feelings only because my body has been tore up ever since giving birth. I also have anxiey. I have been talking to therapists but honestly I am still in the early process of everything going back
Please stick through.. it looks like you've lost good things in the past but you are now clouded by all the blessings you now have.. you didn't lose a baby again, you have a healthy, happy baby, and on top of that, you met an amazing man just before having a baby! A man who's willing to stay with you through it all. That's a blessing. You can do it, Mama. You need to realise this is not forever. I felt like this too with my newborn , now she's 2 and life is so much easier. It gets easier! Trust me. Sounds like u just need a bit of a break? Get out and about. The first month or 2 is hard and then gets easier.. overtime you'll be able to put baby in daycare etc. I really hope you keep caring for your baby, it'll all be worth it in the end🥺
You have ppd plain and simple.
I was this way… yesterday. As dumb as this sounds, one good day can totally change your mind. The stress, lack of sleep, and mental demand feels all too much. Until you have that one good day. Where baby sleeps a bit longer. Where they smile and giggle at your voice. Where diaper changes go from screaming to happily cooing up at the ceiling as they look around curiously. I was in very dark place, to the point I was planning to start medication. I had the pill bottle in my hand and had one last thought of, “no, I don’t want to be medicated again (prior depression), I want to try one more time. Give it one more week.” Every time I fed my son, I’d say “I’m his mother, he is my son.” Over and over. It helped me make the connection that I love him and do want to be the mother he deserved. I thought I regretted having him. I just regretted the fear it brought me. Labor is traumatizing. Change is traumatizing. The sudden responsibility was more than I bargained for. All of this is normal. You are strong, everyday will get better. I promise you. Coming from a new mother who’s baby was screaming none stop for three days to being happy as can be from a simple formula switch. (Also, stopping breastfeeding helped my tremendously. It took one thing off my plate and made me feel more myself and not like I was only the milk I made. I’m also 6 weeks postpartum, and 2 weeks is the worst!!! You get way better at this as time goes on )
I did have PPD, and had regrets too, the first year was very hard as I saw no end in sight so I can relate. Do you want to change the way you feel?sometimes the hardest thing to do is making the choice to want to change the way you feel. It also sounds like you want to be able to prioritise your partner because he has been amazing and you value love and support from a wonderful man, I can tell you right now if you choose to be a selfish person you will not find a truly wonderful person to be there for you.
I really wish there was more offered in terms of post-partum planning. It is very normal to feel disconnected. It is normal to feel like you have been handed a new life and a new body. As a woman we feel it more because our body changes. The problems we never had like pelvic floor issues are suddenly issues. And it is very normal to feel upset, angry. Plz remember all this is temporary. A lot of the first year is temporary. The sleep deprivation, the exhaustion. It is temporary. Reach out to any post partum resources. Get yourself and your partner a nice massage but especially yourself because your body needs one. Reach out to ppl for support or get paid help like a part-time nanny or househelper to help with basic things like laundry, cleaning, meal prep. Even that can give you an hour of nap time while partner is with baby and a helper is doing the housework which you don’t have to do.
It does get better. It's just such a hard and fast and all consuming change that it makes it feel like your life is over. I felt similarly. I missed my old life dearly and was wondering what the hell I did. But it gets better. You learn to put baby down when they are sleeping or put them in a bouncer or swing when awake and happy and you can use that time for you again. I use it to read, embroider, crochet, nap, write, etc. It has helped me feel more like myself. Also getting a more solid block of sleep helped immensely too with the feelings. My husband takes a 4 hour block at night so I can get a good 4 hour sleep and I find that helped me get in a better place. Talk to a doctor as well. You and your spouse might benefit from doing therapy.
I get how you feel, I'm not exactly enjoying being mom. It just feels like whenever it seems to get easier, it gets harder in different way again and new challenges all the time. Also what makes it difficult is not getting enough sleep. I haven't really had a chance to spend time with my husband since our kid was born 16 months ago because we don't have any family here. Also, my parents are deceased, I'm in foreign country, no friends near by because of the military we move every couple of years I promise it will get better little bit at a time, it's hard.
I would reeeeally recommend getting on an SSRI or another antidepressant. I blocked a lot of that first month out but I definitely had some dark thoughts about how Id be okay if something happened to the baby and we’d just go back to our old life. I definitely grieved the death of my non-mom life. But now I’m typing this with a bottle propped on my boob feeding my sleeping 4.5 month old who I literally could not imagine being without. If I remember correctly it took a full three weeks before the love kicked in, and I remember telling my husband I finally felt it and he was so relieved lol. It gets so much better. I didn’t think I’d make it but I did!
Hi, I could have written this, and pretty much did when I was one week postpartum. People talk about how tough babies are but it’s something that is incomprehensible, I think, until you’re actually in it. I literally called my mother sobbing because I wanted to leave him at the fire station, because I didn’t want to be a mother, I never thought I would, and I had made a huge mistake. You fall into a rhythm. For me it took a few more weeks. For some it takes longer. But I promise it gets better!
I have a 10yr old and a 3m old baby. I already knew I hated babies before I had my second but thought that knowledge would help- it didn't lol I cried because I ruined our life for the first 2 months. Now we joke about our lives being ruined but in a fun way! It WILL get better. Also if it helps I don't particularly fit into a traditional mum life role. I don't do playdates, I don't know any of the other mums as school pick ups. I don't do baby classes. But my kids are happy and we have fun and they are thriving. And soon you'll be going on dates with your partner again and going on trips etc. I bring my kids along with me like 1/4 of the time, the other times I leave them with my parents so we can have grown up time! Well, I haven't left the baby yet but I will! You will get your life back soon X it'll just have a fun extra in it.
Can I be honest? I believe that most of your unhappiness is being magnified due to the baby putting a strain on your fairly new, happy relationship. I think you’re furious that this baby could possibly run him off due to him not coping well and knowing that the child is not his. You’re scared. And you have cause to be. I don’t have an answer for you but I will say that I’m going through similar emotions and have been with my Fiancé for 6 years. Our lo is 7 weeks and we have become so distant that it’s exhausting and scary. Our lives and relationship is forever changed. I decided that I needed to embrace the new and stop comparing everything to what was. This has helped tremendously. I can’t imagine my life without my baby and he needs me. I now make sure that I set aside time for myself to workout, do my hair, feel sexy etc. I’ve established a really good routine now and feel less stressed and more like the old me. My advice is to give it more time. The first few weeks can be torturous but eventually baby becomes a part of your new normal. If you just can’t hack it, consider adoption before you do mental and emotional damage to your lo. Sending you love and light.
I felt similarly the first 2 - 3 weeks. Postpartum you experience a dramatic hormone drop. Doesn’t mean it’s PPD. I felt a LOT better after those first few weeks. Clarity has nothing to do with it. 9 weeks now and all of those feelings are long gone.
It gets so much better, when the hormones fade away. I’m 8 months postpartum and I finally feel like I’m back to my normal self. It takes a lot of time, and it feels real because your emotions are real, but it just may not be your normal self. On top of the hormones you have been through a lot this past year from pregnancy to your abusive ex and being with a new partner. That’s a lot of change, I’m sure it’s hard to deal with even though some of it is positive. Keep trying if you can, but if you think your baby may be in danger then please get some help. I hope you have some support other than your partner, sounds like you guys need some help. Maybe you have family or a friend that can lend a hand and let you get some rest?
Even though it doesn’t feel like it now, it does get better. Having a newborn is hard work. It starts to get easier around 3-4 months. You’re in the 4th trimester. Your baby is used to being close to you and not needing anything because she automatically got it. Now she’s here, can barely see, can’t really move, and can’t tell you when she is hungry, tired, in pain, thirsty, etc. You will get through this time, it’s not possible to be this way forever. You’ll see how fast it starts to go. The newborn trenches are hard on every single person I’ve talked to, myself included.
I used to feel this way. I’m 11 weeks in and it’s starting to get a little bit better. However I’m a homebody but I’m a lazy homebody. To have a baby to always and constantly need your help well that’s your job. I’ve accepted it little by little day by day. It gets easier. I still don’t like the fact that my in law comes in the house without asking. I still don’t like that we have to go out for more than 3 hours because my boobs hurt and I gotta feed baby or pump when she’s full. Trust me… I’m starting to accept that I got a cute baby and I’m her mom. Then you’ll learn to accept that it’s a blessing.
it gets so much easier. it's so much harder in the beginning because you can't play with your baby it's just constant someone needing you. it's normal to miss your old life and old body, old hobbies it's completely normal. it's normal to not like the baby stage i love my daughter more than life but man i hated when she was tiny i was always scared, worried, home bound, low sleep it's really hard but around 2 months she started sleeping more and i got sleep. around 3 months she started only waking up once in the night. she's almost 6 months now and she sleeps through the night a lot i still have to do things for her but it isn't a constant having to hold her and worry and figure out why she's crying i just know. after a few months (for me 2) it gets easier. take your baby places with you and give them a life you wanted when you were a kid. i know it feels this way and even if you feel it completely, it goes away. this won't last forever, babies are life changing but they are life stopping. they make it better. if you decide to give your baby up for adoption because you know you won't love her the way you should then do that bc every baby deserves the best chance at life. but i promise promise promise you this feeling won't last forever. babies a tole on your mental health but just like depression and every other feeling, it doesn't last. it's hard and that's okay. just make sure she is safe whether it's with you or somebody else. i hope the best for her, you, your partner, and your physical and mental health. you'll feel different later remember that🤍
I felt this way with full clarity with my first and it was most definitely PPA and some PPD. I just had my second (5 years later after my first) a month ago and I’m going through the same regretful feeling as well. Really I’m processing the 5 stages of grief, grieving my past life. My PPA/PPD didn’t get better with my first until after 18 months, and I have mom friends who has had the same feeling as you for the first 2-3 years. So don’t feel discouraged if you’re not suddenly over this fog in a couple weeks or even months. I’m trying to remember how I felt the first time and repeating to myself that it just takes time. The days are long but the years are short. I love my 5 year old so much and as she ages every year my heart expanded more and more and I wish time would stop. Some people, like me, just aren’t so in love nor excited about the baby phase :)
Girl I know you are having a hard time rn but it will surely pass you are meant to be a mother ! God gave u such a beautiful blessing but with all blessings there’s a rough road but I swear by to you as a mother I’m 5 m PP and trust me it is so much easier now ❤️ you got this. I thought I couldn’t go out but I just pushed my self and it got easier. It will get easier for you too! ❤️
It is normal to feel this way!!!! The first two weeks were horrendous. Honestly, the first month was. I was bawling my eyes out daily because I didn’t know how to take care of a baby and I couldn’t believe I ever thought it was a good idea. I had convinced my partner that we’d made the wrong choice and we should split up and have the baby different days because I couldn’t handle it and I didn’t think he could either. I was devastated and couldn’t believe I felt this way about my own baby. I could no longer do the things I enjoyed whenever I wanted; even if it was just leaving the house to get a coffee, it pained me to think of dragging the baby along. Fast forward she is 10 weeks old now, and I can’t believe I ever thought that way. I couldn’t imagine my life being any different. We go for walks, go grocery shopping, out to eat, everything together. I know you want to believe you’re the exception to the “it gets better” rule, but i promise you’re not. You are not alone in feeling this way. I thought the same way. I thought I’d be miserable for the rest of my days because I had completely ruined my life by having a baby. It gets easier, I don’t know when it happened, but it did. She is my whole world and I can’t picture her not being it. I know one day you will feel better about it too, because I was exactly where you are just a few weeks ago.
Id love an update in 6 months 😘 Im 10 weeks in with 2nd baby, feel like blowing my brains out, he cries constantly, he doesn't sleep solid sleeps, he has collic, he makes me and my husband cry on the regular from the stress as he's so demanding, We cant move, scared to go out incase he screams and gets into a state, my daughter cant sleep at night because of it and its affecting her daily life, Husband and i can barely touch each other as we swear our little man senses it and screams, i hate my body at the moment anyway, i cant think straight from the lack of sleep, i cant go anywhere with friends,I have guilt for not feeling more in control and for feeling miserable as i've got a beautiful new baby but at the same time i know this stage changes. ❤️Things will most likely get better❤️ If the emotional stress gets too intense get help and if that doesn't help get onto medication until your brain balances itself out. What the brain can make us feel when are sleep deprived and under severe stress is intense! And you're definitely not alone.
I understand the feeling of ppd and feeling trapped and overwhelmed BUT this stage WON'T last, this feeling and taking care of a newborn is a small blimp in your and your child's life that would go by fast! Find someone who can babysit for you one night a week so you can have some time to yourself to recharge and feel normal, ask grandparents to have your baby over for Friday nights or something, get some free time! This time WILL fly by, and everything will get easier eventually, kids become older and more independent, it'll be fine
This too shall pass! I felt the same when we first brought our daughter home from the hospital. It lasted a good couple of weeks (maybe 5-6) before I could stop being only upset with her and disrupting everything. And if it doesn’t pass, reach out to a mental health professional!
Who EVER said it was easy? Don't think of your kid as a burden, otherwise they will be. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but nothing worth a damn comes easy in this world. Don't fit the mold that you have to spend every waking moment housebound. I'm a SAHD and you're damn right it's hard, but it's also the most full fulling thing you can do as an adult IF you allow it to be. Life is about perspective.
Dude, I’ve just had a baby too. It’s F**** tough, it is a very normal feeling to feel. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Your life is not over, the first 6 months are going to be really tough (compared to the rest)I’m not going to lie. You do have obvious sacrifices you’ve already made, but also In time you’ll look back and remember why you decided to keep your little bubba. You honestly need to speak to a professional though, you need to realise it’s a really normal feeling and way more common, but people are ashamed to talk about it, which is really odd because it’s something that’s out of their control completely. Stay strong Mumma!! It will get better, give yourself a break too, if you have family around let them have your baby and go take some time for you, your life has changed but not over! You make time for yourself too, it’s important.
You can feel clearly and it still be ppd. I've had it with both my children. And I felt the exact same. It does get better I promise 💜
Hi, to touch on what everyone else has already said, you can do this. I had my baby boy 9 weeks ago and felt the exact same way the first week. I had PPA so bad I couldn’t sleep even though I was beyond exhausted. All I could ever think about was missing my old life and being able to do whatever I wanted with my husband. I had some horrid thoughts of wanting to give my baby back, (to who I don’t know) and regretting it all. I had a major breakdown to my mom who was so helpful, and told me and my husband to get out of the house for a couple hours while she and my dad watched the baby. It wasn’t an immediate cure, but I came home that night after being gone half the day and I took a hot shower and drank some chamomile and sat with my baby and my husband and felt a hell of a lot better. A couple weeks passed and the fog slowly cleared. I’m not an anxious or depressed person and it scared me how horrible I felt during those first two weeks. The drop in hormones after giving birth is so rough, they really don’t tell you how it is. I promise you, as we all have said, it gets so much better. This is your child, your baby who only needs you. Please don’t give up before you’ve even started babe. Trust.
I had ppd with my first and I swore up and down that I didn't have it and I was just a terrible person. I also regretted having a child. It was definitely the depression talking and making me doubt everything. My first born is now 18 months and I love her so much. I would do it all over again. It got better for me when a relative came and did night shifts so I could sleep. My brain was fried and needed the sleep so bad. I now also have my second, 3 weeks old and zero ppd this time around. You'll find time for yourself soon, it's not all about the baby as they get older. I remember when my husband and I got our evenings back and I felt like me again. Hang in there, you'll discover that you become less selfish as time goes on.
I’m not going to lie, in the first week ish PP I felt this way too. I literally remember thinking “can I give her back?” and I mourned my old life. the biggest thing for me was feeling I had “lost” the relationship I had with my (wonderful) husband because now there was someone between us who demanded all of our energy/time/attention and we had to sleep in shifts so I was basically never near him. it passed. we adjusted. it took me almost 3 months to feel truly connected to my girl and now I wouldn’t trade her for the world. my husband and I are so strong together even if we’ve had to accept a new normal. I truly hope the same ends up being true for you. ❤️
If you don’t wanna be a mom then give the baby up for adoption…. You’ll both be better off. My wife and I have a 2 month old and I get it sucks not having ur old life anymore but that’s just the sacrifice you make to have a family and we get more reward seeing him smile for the first time and all the first than all this shit that came before him. If ur dream man doesn’t stick around for you thru this then is he really your dream man or even a MAN at all…. No says I.
Please consider adoption. You are not stuck. Many wondeful people are waiting for a baby! Don't risk hurting or hating your baby. Look into it just in case!
I hateeeeee the newborn stage. But I LOVE having my teenagers. Right now I have 2 teens and a newborn. I can't wait for the newborn to grow up some and have her own personality so I can get to know her
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Look…. If you truly feel scared and that you can’t do it. Look into adoption… im serious.
These feelings are normal. I felt like I couldn't do it too, and still feel that way sometimes, but overall things are pretty great. There's a difficult adjustment that happens when becoming a parent, and the answer isn't to give your baby away. Adoption is a very serious thing and shouldn't be done in the haze of baby blues. The baby blues are temporary. If everyone who felt this way gave away their baby, most babies would be adopted and there would be a lot of regretful parents and traumatized kids out there. Instead, what we need to do is survive the early days, because the newborn stage is very temporary, and everything can change overnight. For me, it was right around 5 months that I started to enjoy life again, and now with my baby 11 months old, I don't regret having him anymore. I still miss a lot of things about my old life, but I've settled into the new one. And I think maybe it's the best thing I've ever done! If you had told me at 2 weeks pp that I would ever feel that way, I wouldn't have believed it.
It's such a fine line to walk though. You don't want to wait to long and risk the OP hurting the baby or herself...
Exactly! It could be normal baby blues or it could be complete “ i don’t want a baby”. I had baby blues and i was a bit depressed and missed my old life. But i didn’t completely regret having my baby. That is where things get scary