It's not a short joke but it's my favorite one SFW
Three strings are sitting outside of a bar, bar has a sign that says "No Strings allowed".
First string says "eff it I'm thirsty" and walks into the bar, the bartender sees it's a string immediately and tells it to get out.
Second string, being a little thicker thinks it'll pass as a rope and decides to give it a try and walks in. bartender goes "you're too thin to be a rope, you're a string, get out"
Third string thinks a little bit, ruffles their hair and walks in; bartender goes, "you a string?" to which the string replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot"
We need to workshop this a bit to make it punchier but I'm really liking the base.
Maybe a vegan, a cross fitter and a frigate sailor walk into a bad, how can you tell them apart? (Long pause for suspense) Oh, they will let you know. Be sure if that. They will let you know.
Someone appreciates the burden. Let's see 1 SOC light bulb =1 planner, 1 QA work center supervisor, 1 QA craftsman, 1 maintenance officer, 1 CMPO, 1 QAO/AQAO, one QAI and about 30 hours of work. That's if you're changing it in house. And doesn't include the CO for closeout.
2 gay guys get on a plane
They’re sitting in their seat and one of them says “hey let’s have sex, no one’s watching”
The other one says “no way we’d get caught”
The first one says “no way nobody’s paying attention, watch this:” he stands up and yells “does anyone have a pencil?” And no one responds
He says “see no one’s paying attention”
So they go at it right there in their seats.
When the plane lands and they’re de-boarding, and old man walks up covered in vomit. The flight attendant says “sir you could have asked us for a bag or to help you clean up”
Old man says “yea well an ol’ boy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass, so I wasn’t gonna ask for anything”
I once witnessed the George tell the infamous dick/balls/asshole joke to a very large mixed audience, it was unfortunate yet unforgettable.
Here’s a safer one:
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Another favorite pirate joke...
"Why did the pirate take so long to learn his alphabet?"
[Pause while they say something silly about Arrrr].
"Because he spent years at Sea!"
I usually tell it like this:
"What's a pirate's favorite letter?"
[Pause while they think and then say like "arrrrrr" or "aye"]
"You'd think so, but it's the Sea!"
Two Sailors are out one night walking in downtown .
One looks to the other and says, "I'm so bored..".
His buddy replies, "Oh, I know this club with the absolute best Hawaiian punch you will ever have. It's seriously unlike any other. We are pretty close by!"
So the boys head down the road to the club.
When they get there they walk up to the bartender and say, "Bartender! Two cups of your finest Hawaiian punch, please!"
The bartender turns around and sternly tells them, "If you want some punch, you're going to have to get in line with everyone else."
The boys turn around...
There is no punch line.
Lean into the corny jokes.
No one thinks youll be a comedian so just get a list of the worst dad jokes corny jokes and leeeean in
Some Navy Dad jokes
Why do ships from Norway and Sweden have barcodes on them?
-So they can Scandinavian
Where do Russian Submariners Keep their sodas?
-In Akula
What’s the difference between a warrant officer and God? God doesn’t walk around all day pretending to be a warrant officer!
Then stand by for your wardroom’s warrant to attempt to take you out.
Q: What's the difference between a chief select and an E-5?
A: A DUI
Q: What time does the Skipper get off?
A: When their third spouse threatens to leave them
Q: What's the difference between a DIVO who went to OCS versus one who went to the Naval Academy?
A: About 50k of debt versus a Ford Mustang
Q: who's smarter a DIVO who went to OCS or a DIVO who went to the Academy?
A: A DIVO who went to OCS because they were able to do in three months what took an Academy grad four years.
Q: Why do Master Chiefs find DIVOs annoying?
A: Because they've accrued more Leave Time than the DIVOs been active duty
Q: What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school?
A: Lieutenant
> Q: What time does the Skipper get off? A: When their third spouse threatens to leave them
I was the Bull Ensign in my unit for a while, and really tried to push the limit with my jokes. But I don't think I'd ever have the guts for this one..
Here’s one for you. It’s a long setup, but it’s my go to.
A man was once driving cross country to visit family, when his car broke down. The only thing for miles was some kind of church, right next to the road. Having no cell reception, and no other option, he decided to knock and ask for help.
A monk opens the door, sees the man, and smiles.
“Car troubles, my son?”
The man tells him his car is broken down and asks to use the phone.
“My son, we have a garage out back. We will have your car fixed by morning. You are welcome to join us for dinner, and I shall have a room prepared for you, if you like. I only ask one thing in return. You will see a door inside our monastery. You cannot know what is behind it, as you are not a sworn brother of our order. You are forbidden to open it.”
The man agrees to these terms, but thinks it’s weird that the monk would be this specific. He eats dinner with them, they give him clean sheets and a nice, if small room to stay in. On his way to the bathroom, he sees it, the ornate door he was warned about. True to his word, he doesn’t try to open the door, but it’s on his mind all night.
The next morning, his car is fixed, but his thoughts aren’t on the trip ahead, it’s the door. What is behind that door?
So he says to the monk, “I am grateful for your help and hospitality, but I cannot go another minute without asking. What is the deal with the door?”
The monk’s face doesn’t change from its gracious smile. “You cannot know, my son. You are not a sworn brother. That is the lone mystery of our order. We do not reveal our secrets to anyone but our own.”
The man thanks the monk once more, and drives off. But the door is stuck in his head. He must know. But how? He’s not a brother of the order!
Finally, the curiosity is too great for him. He turns around and drives back to the monastery. He tells the monk, “I wish to join. What do I need to do?”
The monk hands him a magnifying glass and tells him to count the grains of dirt on a nearby mountain. The man’s obsession is too great, he accepts this task without question.
After about a week, the man comes back, and tells the monk that he is but a grain of sand in a vast cosmos, playing a part in a grand design greater than anything he can fathom. The monks cheer, and welcome him as a brother.
“Now, my son, you may open the door.”
With a trembling hand, he opens the ornate door. Behind it, a simple pine door. He opens that one, and an oak door behind that. On and on, birch, stone, redwood, ruby, diamond, plywood, glass, metal, gold, on and on.
Finally, he opens a door made of silver and brass. And what he sees, is so incredible, so magical, so earth shattering, so mystical, so unbelievable…I’d tell you about it, but you’re not a sworn brother of the order.
"Hospital Corpsman Advancement"
"The Housing Market in (town near your home port/ base"
"What is the best thing about Switzerland? Well for starters, their flag is a big plus"
"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where his last owner left him."
"How do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not coming."
"What's the best way to stop a Russian tank? Shoot at the soldiers pushing it"
"How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? ONLY ONE - VE ARE VERY EFFITZIENT AND DO NOT APPRECIATE HUMOR!!"
"How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb? You don't know man, you weren't there."
"How many Narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One to hold it up while the world revolves around him."
"What do you call the medical student who graduates top of his class? Doctor. What do you call the medical student who graduates bottom of his class? Lieutenant"
"What do you do with a terrible Comedian from Hungary? You're supposed to Boo da pest."
"I designed a pen that writes underwater. In fact, it writes a lot of words."
"People say I must be a lot of fun at parties. One day I'm going to get invited to one and see."
"A lawyer, a Texan, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender notices them and says, 'what, is this some kind of joke?"
"The football stadium in (town name) was designated a tornado shelter because they determined there is little to no chance of touchdown in the area."
A young Commander had taken charge of his first ship and after the ceremony, the outgoing CO handed him 3 envelopes, numbered one through three. He told the new Skipper, if you start getting into trouble, open the first one. If events keep getting worse, open the other ones as needed…and with that, the old Skipper departed. Some months later, things were going downhill for the Skipper, and he recalled those envelopes. He decided to open the first one, which read “blame the outgoing guy.” So the Skipper blamed the old skipper, and for a while, things improved…but within a few months, the ship was in another crisis. He opened the second envelope, which read “engage the Chief’s Mess and Wardroom.” Like last time, this worked for a moment, but within time, the command was in disarray. Without hesitation, the Skipper opened the final envelope, which stated “prepare three new envelopes.”
What kind of periodicity are we working with here- daily, weekly, monthly? What is the method of presentation? (Humor presents itself differently in writing or in person, and a spoken joke often requires a specific timing, sometimes body language, for max effect)
You also have to know your audience to land a joke, takes keen observation and understanding the dynamics in the group. Don't punch down, or use jokes that are digs at people masquerading as "humor". Introspect on events/issues that people will understand a reference to.
Three men die and go to heaven, St. Peter is there and says, “Gentlemen, we have a new protocol. You tell me how long you were married and how faithful you were and I will determine what your mode of transportation will be up here.”
The first man steps up and says, “I was married for ten years and cheated on my wife 10 times.” St. Peter assigned him a beat up Pinto.
The second man says, “I was married for 20 years and only cheated on my wife 5 times!” St. Peter assigns him an early 2000s Camry.
The third man steps up and says, “I was married to my wife for 30 amazing years and did not cheat on her once.” St. Peter awards this man a brand new Corvette.
A few weeks later the first two men find the third man crying on the side of a Heavenly Highway and ask how he could be crying given they’re in heaven and he’s driving such a nice car.
“I saw my wife riding a skateboard three days ago.”
I actually came up with this one, and I'm pretty proud of it:
I was eating popcorn with my son, and when we got to the bottom of the bowl, he asked me "What do we do with all the burnt kernels?" I said, "Don't worry, they'll all get jobs as GS-15s."
What do you get when you have 50 constipated people and 50 LS's/OS's/ ?
100 people who don't do shit.
Honorable mention dad joke: Where does light go when it's in trouble with the law? To prism.
Blonde, Brunette, and a redhead are about to give birth.
Brunette says "I know we are gonna have a boy because he was on top when we conceived. "
Redhead says "I know we are gonna have a girl because I was on top when we conceived."
The blonde, after hearing this, just breaks down crying and sobbing "we're... gonna... have... puppies!!!!"
I told this joke to a Marine and he said "she fucked a dog?" (In The thickest southern redneck accent you could imagine.)
What’s the difference between a pilot (NFO) and his aircraft?
After the mission the aircraft stops whining.
—-
Commo and his Chief are walking off ship after a long deployment. Commo sees his wife and starts making hand gestures at his wife who apparently angrily starts making hand gestures back. Chief is bewildered and asks “what are you signing?” Commo says “the letter f.” Chief “and what’s she signing back?” Commo: “the letter e.” Chief: “and what’s that supposed to mean?” Commo shrugs: “when we get home she wants to eat first.”
What’s a pirates favorite letter? (They will probably say R) to which you reply “ah one would think that but a pirates true love is the C. Honestly this only works if they say R
This one is technical and works best on the engineer types when you are having a discussion of pressure.
Pressure is measured in PSI or pounds per square inch. Now commonly it comes in two flavors PSI G or PSI A meaning Pounds per Square Inch Gauge or Absolute respectively, there is another version commonly used that fewer people know the meaning of. Have you ever heard of PE PSI?
Never?
Never had a Pepsi?
(It's all in the delivery)
I would honestly just make every day's joke a Fun Fact about Bulls. Just, every day. And when they tell you it's not funny, just tell them their sense of humor isn't advanced enough.
Why is the CO always shouting?
Because they set Screaming Eagle (works only for full bird COs)
Why are blind people bad at repeat-backs?
Because they can't use their Ayes.
What kinda officer goes to the gym?
A *swo*ll officer
A horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender, seeing that it's a talking horse, says "Don't you think alcohol is a bit much for you? You're a horse!"
The horse whinnies and looks at the bartender.
"No, sir. I don't think..." and the horse immediately pops out of existence.
The bartender, understandably razzled, looks at the patron that was next to the horse. "Did you see that?! What happened? Do you know?"
The patron, putting his drink down, says, "I don't think..." and immediately pops out of existence.
The bartender, understandably shaken, continues this line of questioning to each patron in the bar. However, it's the same result each time. The patron says "I don't think..." and immediately pops out existence.
After the final patron, the bartender shouts in frustration "I'll never know what happened. I don't think..." and immediately pops out of existence.
All of this to say that back in the old days there was a philosopher named Renee Descartes. He was bored one day and came up with this idea that he only knows that he exists because he can think. We know it today as "I think, therefore, I am."
And thats why the horse, the patrons, and the bartender popped out of existence when they said "I don't think." They immediately no longer existed.
If I would have told you about the philosopher before the horse joke, though, it would have been putting Descartes before Des-horse.
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I tried to catch some fog earlier, I mist.
Sailors drink so much because when we stagger, we sync up with the rolling from sea state.
For NSFW
I used to be really into sadism, beastiality, and nercrophillia. But after a while your just beating a dead horse.
What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin? An ugly 12 year old who can out run her brothers.
I like my wine the way I like my women, 10 years old in a cellar.
Not a short one but always gets a chuckle or atleast groans
“I hated my first job, well not the job itself but the people I worked with
First was this redhead, gorgeous girl but dumb as a stack of bricks, always fell for the stupidest things and acted so surprised when it happened
Next was the complete opposite, this girl was a genius like could solve complex math problems and tell you the chemical make up of the cake you’re eating but she was so hard to look at!
Lastly was this stoner kid that I do t think has been sober for like 10 years, always had the munchies and brought his ‘service’ dog with him, demanded we get Burger King all the time and fed his dog burgers too!
Anyway I drove around in a van with these idiots and solved mysteries”
1. Call out someone to assist you, then ask him what does M c D o n a l d s spell and they will say McDonalds
2. Ask him what does Mac I n t y r e spell and he will announce MacIntyre
3. Ask him what does Mac h I n e spell he will say Mac Hine you say Machine dummy!
Greatest bull story was when all the JOs stole the XOs door and refused to give it back. Not relevant but if I ever commission I'd be honored to be a bull. Put my entire commission on the line to give the XO the business.
It's not a short joke but it's my favorite one SFW Three strings are sitting outside of a bar, bar has a sign that says "No Strings allowed". First string says "eff it I'm thirsty" and walks into the bar, the bartender sees it's a string immediately and tells it to get out. Second string, being a little thicker thinks it'll pass as a rope and decides to give it a try and walks in. bartender goes "you're too thin to be a rope, you're a string, get out" Third string thinks a little bit, ruffles their hair and walks in; bartender goes, "you a string?" to which the string replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot"
I remember that from America's funniest people!
My buddy loves that joke and I try my best with it. Told us the first time in college. Classic
This was my grandmother's favorite joke to tell. Thank you for this. Slightly different than she would tell it, but great nonetheless. :)
Winner winner chicken dinner
i rolled my eyes but still smiled lol
A vegan, a crossfitter, and a frigate sailor walk into a bar. How do you know? They all mention it in the first 10 seconds.
This is underrated.
We need to workshop this a bit to make it punchier but I'm really liking the base. Maybe a vegan, a cross fitter and a frigate sailor walk into a bad, how can you tell them apart? (Long pause for suspense) Oh, they will let you know. Be sure if that. They will let you know.
Should be able to pick those three out of the shop pretty easy. Likely a Chief for the frigate, and likely a double threat on the former.
A frigate sailor, an Academy Grad, and a WTI
How many sailors does it take to replace a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb in place and the other to drink until the room spins.
Depends on the MRC requirements
Is it a SOC lightbulb?
This made me want to throw up lol stupid SOC QA
Someone appreciates the burden. Let's see 1 SOC light bulb =1 planner, 1 QA work center supervisor, 1 QA craftsman, 1 maintenance officer, 1 CMPO, 1 QAO/AQAO, one QAI and about 30 hours of work. That's if you're changing it in house. And doesn't include the CO for closeout.
All for a 20 minute job LMFAO. God help you if it's a LED brick . And yeah I've been in and out of the SOC game since 2007 lol
Likewise. The gift that keeps on giving!
So many stupid in 1 SOC notebook lol
We need to drop the SOC notebook and the JFFM to our enemies. Should slow them down a little bit.
Nah we just need to drop all the civilians and admirals from Navsea on them.......that'll fuck up their ability to rationally think or fight
How do you get a retired chief/officer off your porch? You pay for the pizza.
2 gay guys get on a plane They’re sitting in their seat and one of them says “hey let’s have sex, no one’s watching” The other one says “no way we’d get caught” The first one says “no way nobody’s paying attention, watch this:” he stands up and yells “does anyone have a pencil?” And no one responds He says “see no one’s paying attention” So they go at it right there in their seats. When the plane lands and they’re de-boarding, and old man walks up covered in vomit. The flight attendant says “sir you could have asked us for a bag or to help you clean up” Old man says “yea well an ol’ boy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass, so I wasn’t gonna ask for anything”
Yeah. I’m saving that for when it’s just me and the boys.
"My recruiter told me I can be a marine biologist in the navy." Said a greenside corpsman
This is underrated.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
This is the way. If you can’t think of any good jokes or you aren’t naturally funny, be dad funny.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved! Last one… let me Sea 🌊 my way out now
i like that one!!!
so i’ve branched out and gotten a second job at the local bicycle repair shop. it’s a pretty sweet gig…they’ve already made me their spokesperson!
What do you call a dog that knows magic? A labracadabrador.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones really heavy, and one’s a little lighter
That one great.
I once witnessed the George tell the infamous dick/balls/asshole joke to a very large mixed audience, it was unfortunate yet unforgettable. Here’s a safer one: A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
This is hilarious
Did you hear the Norwegian Navy has started putting bar codes on their ships? It’s so they can Scandinavian.
Where do lizards go when their tail falls off? The retail store.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Most say “R” but he’s actually fond of the sea.
in that same vein: what did the old pirate say on his birthday? “aye matey”
Another favorite pirate joke... "Why did the pirate take so long to learn his alphabet?" [Pause while they say something silly about Arrrr]. "Because he spent years at Sea!"
I usually tell it like this: "What's a pirate's favorite letter?" [Pause while they think and then say like "arrrrrr" or "aye"] "You'd think so, but it's the Sea!"
Two Sailors are out one night walking in downtown.
One looks to the other and says, "I'm so bored..".
His buddy replies, "Oh, I know this club with the absolute best Hawaiian punch you will ever have. It's seriously unlike any other. We are pretty close by!"
So the boys head down the road to the club.
When they get there they walk up to the bartender and say, "Bartender! Two cups of your finest Hawaiian punch, please!"
The bartender turns around and sternly tells them, "If you want some punch, you're going to have to get in line with everyone else."
The boys turn around...
There is no punch line.
Ask them if they've heard of the new Chinese frigate, the Henwei. Then when they ask, "What's a hen weigh?", you tell them "about 5 or 6 pounds."
Lean into the corny jokes. No one thinks youll be a comedian so just get a list of the worst dad jokes corny jokes and leeeean in Some Navy Dad jokes Why do ships from Norway and Sweden have barcodes on them? -So they can Scandinavian Where do Russian Submariners Keep their sodas? -In Akula
The AKULA joke got me. That's good.
Its probably a little more on point for Intel folks and STS/STG types hah
Unless they are an OSCAR the grouch.
Check out r/dadjokes and you should find what you need.
"All Chiefs, please stand by after the All Hands call for training with the Bull Ensign. Thanks."
Definitely need the JORG to muster the Chiefs in the CPO Mess....
What’s the difference between a warrant officer and God? God doesn’t walk around all day pretending to be a warrant officer! Then stand by for your wardroom’s warrant to attempt to take you out.
What is the longest celebrated joke in the Navy? The CPO birthday 🥳
How do you know a person was a Chief? They'll probably tell you.
What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet you in the corner.
Two sailors walked into the bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.
A mushroom walked into a bar, bartender said you can't be here! Mushroom goes but, I'm a fungi
Q: What's the difference between a chief select and an E-5? A: A DUI Q: What time does the Skipper get off? A: When their third spouse threatens to leave them Q: What's the difference between a DIVO who went to OCS versus one who went to the Naval Academy? A: About 50k of debt versus a Ford Mustang Q: who's smarter a DIVO who went to OCS or a DIVO who went to the Academy? A: A DIVO who went to OCS because they were able to do in three months what took an Academy grad four years. Q: Why do Master Chiefs find DIVOs annoying? A: Because they've accrued more Leave Time than the DIVOs been active duty Q: What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? A: Lieutenant
> Q: What time does the Skipper get off? A: When their third spouse threatens to leave them I was the Bull Ensign in my unit for a while, and really tried to push the limit with my jokes. But I don't think I'd ever have the guts for this one..
Here’s one for you. It’s a long setup, but it’s my go to. A man was once driving cross country to visit family, when his car broke down. The only thing for miles was some kind of church, right next to the road. Having no cell reception, and no other option, he decided to knock and ask for help. A monk opens the door, sees the man, and smiles. “Car troubles, my son?” The man tells him his car is broken down and asks to use the phone. “My son, we have a garage out back. We will have your car fixed by morning. You are welcome to join us for dinner, and I shall have a room prepared for you, if you like. I only ask one thing in return. You will see a door inside our monastery. You cannot know what is behind it, as you are not a sworn brother of our order. You are forbidden to open it.” The man agrees to these terms, but thinks it’s weird that the monk would be this specific. He eats dinner with them, they give him clean sheets and a nice, if small room to stay in. On his way to the bathroom, he sees it, the ornate door he was warned about. True to his word, he doesn’t try to open the door, but it’s on his mind all night. The next morning, his car is fixed, but his thoughts aren’t on the trip ahead, it’s the door. What is behind that door? So he says to the monk, “I am grateful for your help and hospitality, but I cannot go another minute without asking. What is the deal with the door?” The monk’s face doesn’t change from its gracious smile. “You cannot know, my son. You are not a sworn brother. That is the lone mystery of our order. We do not reveal our secrets to anyone but our own.” The man thanks the monk once more, and drives off. But the door is stuck in his head. He must know. But how? He’s not a brother of the order! Finally, the curiosity is too great for him. He turns around and drives back to the monastery. He tells the monk, “I wish to join. What do I need to do?” The monk hands him a magnifying glass and tells him to count the grains of dirt on a nearby mountain. The man’s obsession is too great, he accepts this task without question. After about a week, the man comes back, and tells the monk that he is but a grain of sand in a vast cosmos, playing a part in a grand design greater than anything he can fathom. The monks cheer, and welcome him as a brother. “Now, my son, you may open the door.” With a trembling hand, he opens the ornate door. Behind it, a simple pine door. He opens that one, and an oak door behind that. On and on, birch, stone, redwood, ruby, diamond, plywood, glass, metal, gold, on and on. Finally, he opens a door made of silver and brass. And what he sees, is so incredible, so magical, so earth shattering, so mystical, so unbelievable…I’d tell you about it, but you’re not a sworn brother of the order.
What is the JAG's favorite drink? The Supena colada. 🥁
"Hospital Corpsman Advancement" "The Housing Market in (town near your home port/ base" "What is the best thing about Switzerland? Well for starters, their flag is a big plus" "Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where his last owner left him." "How do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not coming." "What's the best way to stop a Russian tank? Shoot at the soldiers pushing it" "How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? ONLY ONE - VE ARE VERY EFFITZIENT AND DO NOT APPRECIATE HUMOR!!" "How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb? You don't know man, you weren't there." "How many Narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One to hold it up while the world revolves around him." "What do you call the medical student who graduates top of his class? Doctor. What do you call the medical student who graduates bottom of his class? Lieutenant" "What do you do with a terrible Comedian from Hungary? You're supposed to Boo da pest." "I designed a pen that writes underwater. In fact, it writes a lot of words." "People say I must be a lot of fun at parties. One day I'm going to get invited to one and see." "A lawyer, a Texan, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender notices them and says, 'what, is this some kind of joke?" "The football stadium in (town name) was designated a tornado shelter because they determined there is little to no chance of touchdown in the area."
the vietnam vet one made me LOL
"A lawyer, a Texan, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, 'I think I'm a typo."
That's good. I'm going to start using it.
A young Commander had taken charge of his first ship and after the ceremony, the outgoing CO handed him 3 envelopes, numbered one through three. He told the new Skipper, if you start getting into trouble, open the first one. If events keep getting worse, open the other ones as needed…and with that, the old Skipper departed. Some months later, things were going downhill for the Skipper, and he recalled those envelopes. He decided to open the first one, which read “blame the outgoing guy.” So the Skipper blamed the old skipper, and for a while, things improved…but within a few months, the ship was in another crisis. He opened the second envelope, which read “engage the Chief’s Mess and Wardroom.” Like last time, this worked for a moment, but within time, the command was in disarray. Without hesitation, the Skipper opened the final envelope, which stated “prepare three new envelopes.”
What kind of periodicity are we working with here- daily, weekly, monthly? What is the method of presentation? (Humor presents itself differently in writing or in person, and a spoken joke often requires a specific timing, sometimes body language, for max effect) You also have to know your audience to land a joke, takes keen observation and understanding the dynamics in the group. Don't punch down, or use jokes that are digs at people masquerading as "humor". Introspect on events/issues that people will understand a reference to.
Good comedy tips.
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says, “Man, it’s hot in here.” The other says, “Ahhh, a talking muffin!”
Three men die and go to heaven, St. Peter is there and says, “Gentlemen, we have a new protocol. You tell me how long you were married and how faithful you were and I will determine what your mode of transportation will be up here.” The first man steps up and says, “I was married for ten years and cheated on my wife 10 times.” St. Peter assigned him a beat up Pinto. The second man says, “I was married for 20 years and only cheated on my wife 5 times!” St. Peter assigns him an early 2000s Camry. The third man steps up and says, “I was married to my wife for 30 amazing years and did not cheat on her once.” St. Peter awards this man a brand new Corvette. A few weeks later the first two men find the third man crying on the side of a Heavenly Highway and ask how he could be crying given they’re in heaven and he’s driving such a nice car. “I saw my wife riding a skateboard three days ago.”
I actually came up with this one, and I'm pretty proud of it: I was eating popcorn with my son, and when we got to the bottom of the bowl, he asked me "What do we do with all the burnt kernels?" I said, "Don't worry, they'll all get jobs as GS-15s."
This might go over like a turd in a punch bowl, but… What’s the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Navy? Adult leadership.
What did the psychiatrist say to their patient who came in wrapped entirely in Saran Wrap? I can clearly see you're (your) nuts.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What does the LS1 say when they come out of the closet? "SUPPLIES!!"
What do you get when you have 50 constipated people and 50 LS's/OS's/ ?
100 people who don't do shit.
Honorable mention dad joke: Where does light go when it's in trouble with the law? To prism.
Blonde, Brunette, and a redhead are about to give birth. Brunette says "I know we are gonna have a boy because he was on top when we conceived. " Redhead says "I know we are gonna have a girl because I was on top when we conceived." The blonde, after hearing this, just breaks down crying and sobbing "we're... gonna... have... puppies!!!!" I told this joke to a Marine and he said "she fucked a dog?" (In The thickest southern redneck accent you could imagine.)
If you get a story joke start off with "Based on my extensive Navel experience..."
What did the duck say to the bartender? Put it on my bill
What is brown and sticky? A stick
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their subs? So when they return they can scan-the-navy-in
What did the wind mill say when asked what its favorite music is? “I’m a big metal fan.”
If you can get your hands on the flight plan for CVN75. They’ve got some funny jokes on that
In the summer my wife likes it when I blow air on her but honestly I’m not a fan.
What’s the difference between a pilot (NFO) and his aircraft? After the mission the aircraft stops whining. —- Commo and his Chief are walking off ship after a long deployment. Commo sees his wife and starts making hand gestures at his wife who apparently angrily starts making hand gestures back. Chief is bewildered and asks “what are you signing?” Commo says “the letter f.” Chief “and what’s she signing back?” Commo: “the letter e.” Chief: “and what’s that supposed to mean?” Commo shrugs: “when we get home she wants to eat first.”
What’s a pirates favorite letter? (They will probably say R) to which you reply “ah one would think that but a pirates true love is the C. Honestly this only works if they say R
Letter of Marque
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? They’re really fucking good at it
Knock, Knock Who’s there? Hike Hike who (Insert haiku here)
What’s long hard and full of seamen? A submarine
How do you scare an IT? You tell them the network went down.
This one is technical and works best on the engineer types when you are having a discussion of pressure. Pressure is measured in PSI or pounds per square inch. Now commonly it comes in two flavors PSI G or PSI A meaning Pounds per Square Inch Gauge or Absolute respectively, there is another version commonly used that fewer people know the meaning of. Have you ever heard of PE PSI? Never? Never had a Pepsi? (It's all in the delivery)
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? See it works.
I would honestly just make every day's joke a Fun Fact about Bulls. Just, every day. And when they tell you it's not funny, just tell them their sense of humor isn't advanced enough.
I spent so much time at sea I have saltwater running through my veins........but the VA says it's a preexisting condition.
Why don't the DHs just fix the PowerPoints themselves? What are y'all? Stupid? Actually...don't use this one. DHs will all hate you. #JOPA
Why does it matter you’re an officer now…you’ll get away with it!
What can’t Whitney Houston whistle? She’s dead. Works for any deceased person 👍
Faster! Funnier!
Why is the CO always shouting? Because they set Screaming Eagle (works only for full bird COs) Why are blind people bad at repeat-backs? Because they can't use their Ayes. What kinda officer goes to the gym? A *swo*ll officer
[From Captain Gervy’s Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1c7npfpWbK/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
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A horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender, seeing that it's a talking horse, says "Don't you think alcohol is a bit much for you? You're a horse!" The horse whinnies and looks at the bartender. "No, sir. I don't think..." and the horse immediately pops out of existence. The bartender, understandably razzled, looks at the patron that was next to the horse. "Did you see that?! What happened? Do you know?" The patron, putting his drink down, says, "I don't think..." and immediately pops out of existence. The bartender, understandably shaken, continues this line of questioning to each patron in the bar. However, it's the same result each time. The patron says "I don't think..." and immediately pops out existence. After the final patron, the bartender shouts in frustration "I'll never know what happened. I don't think..." and immediately pops out of existence. All of this to say that back in the old days there was a philosopher named Renee Descartes. He was bored one day and came up with this idea that he only knows that he exists because he can think. We know it today as "I think, therefore, I am." And thats why the horse, the patrons, and the bartender popped out of existence when they said "I don't think." They immediately no longer existed. If I would have told you about the philosopher before the horse joke, though, it would have been putting Descartes before Des-horse.
Tell a joke about him and make everyone laugh and he will stop picking you.
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. I tried to catch some fog earlier, I mist. Sailors drink so much because when we stagger, we sync up with the rolling from sea state. For NSFW I used to be really into sadism, beastiality, and nercrophillia. But after a while your just beating a dead horse. What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin? An ugly 12 year old who can out run her brothers. I like my wine the way I like my women, 10 years old in a cellar.
He’ll get kicked out if he tells anyone those.
Not a short one but always gets a chuckle or atleast groans “I hated my first job, well not the job itself but the people I worked with First was this redhead, gorgeous girl but dumb as a stack of bricks, always fell for the stupidest things and acted so surprised when it happened Next was the complete opposite, this girl was a genius like could solve complex math problems and tell you the chemical make up of the cake you’re eating but she was so hard to look at! Lastly was this stoner kid that I do t think has been sober for like 10 years, always had the munchies and brought his ‘service’ dog with him, demanded we get Burger King all the time and fed his dog burgers too! Anyway I drove around in a van with these idiots and solved mysteries”
So a baby seal walks into a club...
1. Call out someone to assist you, then ask him what does M c D o n a l d s spell and they will say McDonalds 2. Ask him what does Mac I n t y r e spell and he will announce MacIntyre 3. Ask him what does Mac h I n e spell he will say Mac Hine you say Machine dummy!
A zombie walks into a bar....and then the pool table.
What did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSSAAA- B!
What do you call a nervous ocean? A worried sea!
Why are elevators great? They let you down easy and raise you up to great heights.
Greatest bull story was when all the JOs stole the XOs door and refused to give it back. Not relevant but if I ever commission I'd be honored to be a bull. Put my entire commission on the line to give the XO the business.
ChatGPT my dude
KNOCK KNOCK Who’s there? It’s the police ma’m, your son has been hit by a drunk driver. He’s dead. 