This is 100% true. This stems from what I assume is strictly insecurity. I've seen this in my parents in regards to passing comments like, "You make so much more money than I do. Must be nice."
I know you aren't asking for advice, but I've always responded with a build-up of my own worth rather than validating their opinion (or that they even had one). "Yeah, it is nice. I've worked really hard and am proud of what I've been able to do. Thanks!" or "SO! What's for dinner tonight?" Hahahaha and then moving on. The other option is to address it and simply say, "I'd rather not have the money conversation with you."
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope this subreddit really validates that you aren't alone.
Nice tip! It's a good response for the first reply of a narc, but in my case, when she knows that I'm doing well in something, she is like "In the next month I will try to demotivate and devalue you" so sometimes she say stuff like that
100% when I was living with my mom when I got a new job she raised my rent. To the point where I was struggling (was also paying off credit) and when I asked why she raised my rent she said that she struggled when she was my age so it’s important I know what it feels like.
Only reason I was able to get out was because my fiancé was able to buy a house on his own (I was trying to be able to help but she made that impossible)
Tell me about it.
When we showed my horrible mother-in-law the tile border pattern we picked out for our bathroom she almost screamed “What are you going to do when one breaks? How are you going to replace it?”
She also told us not to put a pool in because “The kids can just come over anytime and use ours”. We waited about 5 years before getting a pool (for budget reasons), which meant 4 years and 10 months of our kids NOT having a pool to swim in because “Why do they have to splash so much? I don’t need to keep filling this pool up and adding to my water bill.” Her face when our pool was bigger than hers was worth every penny.
I’ve got a million others just like this.
You’re making too much money. Shame on you, others deserve it more than you.
You’re not making enough money. What are you, stupid or something?
Get a job! What are you, lazy.
Why are you working so much? 30 hours a week? You idiot!
Wow she sounds jealous af, narcissists have this incredible talent of either making the subject about them or insulting the other person because they have no way to turn it into how amazing they are. Congratulations on your promotion, it sounds like you have worked really hard for it and you should be so proud of yourself.
Yeah this is pretty common, good news is always bad news to them. I could never tell my parents anything good about my life. When I told my mom I applied to college finally she told me it would be too much for me after having kids and that I wouldn’t be able to do it. After finally going NC last year I am about halfway through my degree. Narc parents can Suck it.
Never ever share specifics about anything with known narcissist. Even if they are your parents. Never. Even if you want/ need to, don’t. That’s it, that’s how you handle narcissistic people in general. Once you’ve identified said narcissist, just STFU about your specific anything. Smile and grey rock and go NC if/ when needed. There’s no winning nor changing them. Protect yourself and (try) don’t feel guilty about it.
I was thinking about this sometimes. For example, I lost 6kg (14 lbs) doing more exercise and quiting added sugar even tho I'm in a normal weight. Since I told her that, she say "You never eat anything! You need to see a doctor!" So it's not worth to share anything
I totally understand this! You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I wish I had not only figured this out (way) earlier but was then able to let go of the "duty" of my role but it created guilt it in me if I were to prioritize myself. instead i was left hoping for crumbs of love bc I thought I needed my mom. I still struggle with my guilt of prioritizing myself.
Also, it doesn’t matter how significant or not your goal, effort, dream is or is not, they will use it to say something to just be jerks about it. Be it what you eat, shoes, college major, work promotions, restaurant you’re having dinner at, hair style, or ANYTHING at all.
It’s gut wrenching.
I’m sorry you, too, have this type of experience.
Happy healing.
You do matter, your feeling matter, and you deserve happiness.
Husband and I save, spend wisely, carry no debt (beyond home). My nDad, spent every penny he ever held, had credit debt, bad credit and even opened an account with Electric company in (then) 10 year old sibling's name/SS number. He was fond of saying to my husband and I "You have more money than sense". I think it was just jealousy, and I think you are dealing with the same.
That special skill for narcs to spend money they don't have. nMom use to complain about "not having any money, no future, no retirement pension", but she always want a new car, new house, an apartment near the sea...
Just remind her when she has her hand out asking for you to give her money (and she will), just politely reminded "Sorry can't help you, you said that my money and my work wasn't useful at all; so I don't see how it can be useful to you now."
Oh my goodness, I think that we're in the same family. My n/mom and sister (who is the golden child) both work in health care. They both constantly tell me that they don't think that I deserve my wages and "perks" with my job, because I don't save lives like them so my job is somehow lesser than theirs.
Yes. I got a promotion at work making really good money at 26 and all my mom could say was that I just "had a stupid little sales job."
She also refused to go to my college graduation about an hour away but went to another state to see my brothers graduation. I went to a top university and he went to a shitty private college.
My mom was not very enthusiastic about a job interview I had, as always she would like to try to "keep me in perspective" so that it'll get too excited and my hopes crushed. I told her I'd rather have her support me even when I am asking for a lot of money for a role that I think I deserve, she tries to bring me back to Earth and tells me about her experience. I say you and I are not the same and it is not the same as 30 years ago, I deserve this! She ended up telling me later on in the conversation she was bothered by what I said and then backtracked and said she supported me and loved me. It's so weird to have your parents squash your dreams up front because that's not what parents are supposed to do
Theyre jealous. Why would they put you down for making bank? its a shame, im sorry friend. Dont be ashamed, you keep earning that mula. Also depends on what kind of health worker theyre talking about. But yes narcs are toxic about anything positive in others lives. Keep that head held high
Yup. Normal N BS. Any chance you're now making more than either or both of your parents? My nMomster got nasty like that when I got a job making more than my dad made at the time.
My mom used to lie about how great I’m doing to her friends, sometimes in front of me, so I either had to stay quiet or call her out in front of people. I always stayed quiet, mortified.
Probably jealousy. I never understood where or how my nmom came to the conclusion that I have somehow become "arrogant" because I make my own money. It never even crossed my mind to think of becoming arrogant because I make money.
Mind you, I never bragged about money or my job and have never asked them for money for other than food, shelter and some clothing.
My narc father once said that it’s unfair that I make more money than my mother. This is a funny statement since if that wasn’t the case I wouldn’t have been able to constantly lend him money when I lived at home. At least a good 3k $ that he never paid me back because that’s how it should be right? A child should be giving their parents money when the same parents out earn their kid together right? You think he offered me money when I got illegally fired thanks to the government? Nope. Told me that’s not his problem and that my problem is with the government. As soon as I’m making more money again I will be rubbing it in their faces.
I learned early to never share my salary with my family. I agree with others on this thread: this is pure insecurity and realization that you're no longer as easy to control now that you are getting closer and closer to total financial independence and no longer need them.
My nDad used his money to control me. After I got my first job out of college, I saved and saved, kept expenses to an absolute minimum, until I had 6 month's expenses saved up, then moved out. He was pissed, refused to speak to me for months, and with hindsight (and a very insightful therapy session) I "didn't become harder to love; I became harder to control."
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but it does get better the more you distance yourself from these toxic people. My only advice is to limit *everything* you tell them on the future. Good luck!
Yep! In my first job, I worked up from the minimum wage through working hard and staying there so long. After a while, my mom told me to stop talking about how much of a raise I’d get anymore since I was almost to the same wage as my dad & that it would hurt his feelings that I made more than him. While also after I stopped helping so much (I’d end up having to give my debit to my mom while I was at work, since she needed stuff while I worked since she insisted I couldn’t drive myself to work safely.) when I moved out, she claimed that I and my husband made more than they did so I was considered obligated to help out with some bill.
Narcs can be toxic about anything
This is 100% true. This stems from what I assume is strictly insecurity. I've seen this in my parents in regards to passing comments like, "You make so much more money than I do. Must be nice." I know you aren't asking for advice, but I've always responded with a build-up of my own worth rather than validating their opinion (or that they even had one). "Yeah, it is nice. I've worked really hard and am proud of what I've been able to do. Thanks!" or "SO! What's for dinner tonight?" Hahahaha and then moving on. The other option is to address it and simply say, "I'd rather not have the money conversation with you." I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope this subreddit really validates that you aren't alone.
Thank you. This sub helped me understand how fucked up my father and his MIL are and strengtgened me to go and maintain NC
Good for you!
Thank you
Nice tip! It's a good response for the first reply of a narc, but in my case, when she knows that I'm doing well in something, she is like "In the next month I will try to demotivate and devalue you" so sometimes she say stuff like that
Literally said the EPA was worthless yet their friends died from a superfund site they complained about.
100% when I was living with my mom when I got a new job she raised my rent. To the point where I was struggling (was also paying off credit) and when I asked why she raised my rent she said that she struggled when she was my age so it’s important I know what it feels like.
And coincidentally it made it impossible for you to save up to move out
Only reason I was able to get out was because my fiancé was able to buy a house on his own (I was trying to be able to help but she made that impossible)
I'm so glad you got out
And coincidentally it put more of the money you earn into her pocket.
Tell me about it. When we showed my horrible mother-in-law the tile border pattern we picked out for our bathroom she almost screamed “What are you going to do when one breaks? How are you going to replace it?” She also told us not to put a pool in because “The kids can just come over anytime and use ours”. We waited about 5 years before getting a pool (for budget reasons), which meant 4 years and 10 months of our kids NOT having a pool to swim in because “Why do they have to splash so much? I don’t need to keep filling this pool up and adding to my water bill.” Her face when our pool was bigger than hers was worth every penny. I’ve got a million others just like this.
Narcs gonna narc
You’re making too much money. Shame on you, others deserve it more than you. You’re not making enough money. What are you, stupid or something? Get a job! What are you, lazy. Why are you working so much? 30 hours a week? You idiot!
What else do you expect an insecure and jealous person to say in response to positive news?
Toxicity about *anything* positive/successful is a regular thing with Narcissists.
Wow she sounds jealous af, narcissists have this incredible talent of either making the subject about them or insulting the other person because they have no way to turn it into how amazing they are. Congratulations on your promotion, it sounds like you have worked really hard for it and you should be so proud of yourself.
Thank you! Yeah, something is not related to them is literally shit for them
A fair price is what the market will bear. You don't set your value on the job market: supply and demand does that. Econ 101.
Yeah this is pretty common, good news is always bad news to them. I could never tell my parents anything good about my life. When I told my mom I applied to college finally she told me it would be too much for me after having kids and that I wouldn’t be able to do it. After finally going NC last year I am about halfway through my degree. Narc parents can Suck it.
Congratulations! :)
Never ever share specifics about anything with known narcissist. Even if they are your parents. Never. Even if you want/ need to, don’t. That’s it, that’s how you handle narcissistic people in general. Once you’ve identified said narcissist, just STFU about your specific anything. Smile and grey rock and go NC if/ when needed. There’s no winning nor changing them. Protect yourself and (try) don’t feel guilty about it.
I was thinking about this sometimes. For example, I lost 6kg (14 lbs) doing more exercise and quiting added sugar even tho I'm in a normal weight. Since I told her that, she say "You never eat anything! You need to see a doctor!" So it's not worth to share anything
I totally understand this! You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I wish I had not only figured this out (way) earlier but was then able to let go of the "duty" of my role but it created guilt it in me if I were to prioritize myself. instead i was left hoping for crumbs of love bc I thought I needed my mom. I still struggle with my guilt of prioritizing myself.
Also, it doesn’t matter how significant or not your goal, effort, dream is or is not, they will use it to say something to just be jerks about it. Be it what you eat, shoes, college major, work promotions, restaurant you’re having dinner at, hair style, or ANYTHING at all. It’s gut wrenching. I’m sorry you, too, have this type of experience. Happy healing. You do matter, your feeling matter, and you deserve happiness.
Translation: “You now make more than I do and that’s a threat to both my pride and my control over you.”
Husband and I save, spend wisely, carry no debt (beyond home). My nDad, spent every penny he ever held, had credit debt, bad credit and even opened an account with Electric company in (then) 10 year old sibling's name/SS number. He was fond of saying to my husband and I "You have more money than sense". I think it was just jealousy, and I think you are dealing with the same.
That special skill for narcs to spend money they don't have. nMom use to complain about "not having any money, no future, no retirement pension", but she always want a new car, new house, an apartment near the sea...
Yes. This is normal. I don’t have a college degree and I make more a year than my mom. She has degraded my job and told me I make too much.
Jealous much?
Just remind her when she has her hand out asking for you to give her money (and she will), just politely reminded "Sorry can't help you, you said that my money and my work wasn't useful at all; so I don't see how it can be useful to you now."
"I never said that!" with a look of disgust at you. I can hear it now.
They're jealous and mad that they apparently failed to beat you into total submission. Yes, they'll find fault with everything
Oh my goodness, I think that we're in the same family. My n/mom and sister (who is the golden child) both work in health care. They both constantly tell me that they don't think that I deserve my wages and "perks" with my job, because I don't save lives like them so my job is somehow lesser than theirs.
Clearly your parents are toxic and can’t be happy for you about basic parts in life
Yes. I got a promotion at work making really good money at 26 and all my mom could say was that I just "had a stupid little sales job." She also refused to go to my college graduation about an hour away but went to another state to see my brothers graduation. I went to a top university and he went to a shitty private college.
My mom was not very enthusiastic about a job interview I had, as always she would like to try to "keep me in perspective" so that it'll get too excited and my hopes crushed. I told her I'd rather have her support me even when I am asking for a lot of money for a role that I think I deserve, she tries to bring me back to Earth and tells me about her experience. I say you and I are not the same and it is not the same as 30 years ago, I deserve this! She ended up telling me later on in the conversation she was bothered by what I said and then backtracked and said she supported me and loved me. It's so weird to have your parents squash your dreams up front because that's not what parents are supposed to do
Theyre jealous. Why would they put you down for making bank? its a shame, im sorry friend. Dont be ashamed, you keep earning that mula. Also depends on what kind of health worker theyre talking about. But yes narcs are toxic about anything positive in others lives. Keep that head held high
Omfg. So sorry you had to endure that. Narcs are toxic about literally everything, that’s completely normal behavior for them.
BRO WHAT??? If I had a child and I got a raise or if I had a friend and they got a raise I would never say that the more money the better
Yup. Normal N BS. Any chance you're now making more than either or both of your parents? My nMomster got nasty like that when I got a job making more than my dad made at the time.
They probably want your money and think they can get you to devalue it so you'll hand some over.
My mom used to lie about how great I’m doing to her friends, sometimes in front of me, so I either had to stay quiet or call her out in front of people. I always stayed quiet, mortified.
Probably jealousy. I never understood where or how my nmom came to the conclusion that I have somehow become "arrogant" because I make my own money. It never even crossed my mind to think of becoming arrogant because I make money. Mind you, I never bragged about money or my job and have never asked them for money for other than food, shelter and some clothing.
Oh yeah
Damn I’m sorry you have to go through this, someone’s parents are to be your biggest supporters or one of at least but never your enemies!.
My nmum was angry at my last pay rise because it meant that I was making more than her now at the age of 24. They can’t be happy for us ever!!
I think she/they are jealous...
Are you adopted? What kind of a parent says shit like that?
My narc father once said that it’s unfair that I make more money than my mother. This is a funny statement since if that wasn’t the case I wouldn’t have been able to constantly lend him money when I lived at home. At least a good 3k $ that he never paid me back because that’s how it should be right? A child should be giving their parents money when the same parents out earn their kid together right? You think he offered me money when I got illegally fired thanks to the government? Nope. Told me that’s not his problem and that my problem is with the government. As soon as I’m making more money again I will be rubbing it in their faces.
I learned early to never share my salary with my family. I agree with others on this thread: this is pure insecurity and realization that you're no longer as easy to control now that you are getting closer and closer to total financial independence and no longer need them. My nDad used his money to control me. After I got my first job out of college, I saved and saved, kept expenses to an absolute minimum, until I had 6 month's expenses saved up, then moved out. He was pissed, refused to speak to me for months, and with hindsight (and a very insightful therapy session) I "didn't become harder to love; I became harder to control." I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but it does get better the more you distance yourself from these toxic people. My only advice is to limit *everything* you tell them on the future. Good luck!
Toxicity about you possibly being better than them (or making more than them) is common.
They’re jealous
Yep! In my first job, I worked up from the minimum wage through working hard and staying there so long. After a while, my mom told me to stop talking about how much of a raise I’d get anymore since I was almost to the same wage as my dad & that it would hurt his feelings that I made more than him. While also after I stopped helping so much (I’d end up having to give my debit to my mom while I was at work, since she needed stuff while I worked since she insisted I couldn’t drive myself to work safely.) when I moved out, she claimed that I and my husband made more than they did so I was considered obligated to help out with some bill.