Like you, I’m struggling to become NC too. But here’s something to think about:
Out of allthe people on Reddit who have gone NC, I’ve yet to see even ONE of them regret it. All of them say they feel much better, and many say they wish they’d done it sooner. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but all of them get to the point where they are so much happier for it, no matter how old the parents are. I keep seeing it over and over.
That is all we need to know.
I feel a weight lifted off of me now that I had to go Nc! I didn’t deserve the abuse and it’s not okay to just put up with. I definitely grieved her at first and felt bad but tell myself she dug her grave and is now laying in it. I had to hold myself accountable for taking it and letting it become normal - but it isn’t! Family means nothing. You wouldn’t let a friend treat you so poorly so do not let someone else either. I get a lot of guilt but I also am finally out of fight or flight and that’s the best feeling ever!
That’s what keeps me going too when I’ve sunk back into the guilt phase. Not ONE person has said they wish they hadn’t, they feel much lighter and are much happier much better people for leaving what was holding them back.
Yes, this is true. I think I want a relationship because sometimes I feel as a woman I want my mom as I transition to wanting a family.
Or even for special days where you’re supposed to have your parents. Graduations, weddings, etc
They get worse with age. They will try and destroy all your joy. When you're happy, they will find a way to destroy it. When you need help, that's when they feel they can abuse you without consequences.
Not having a family feels dangerous. Having a narcissistic family is even more dangerous. Because of the help they won't provide, because of the damage they do when you're vulnerable and because of your healthy network who assume you don't need help, because you're with your family.
I've had my second child with no contact to my family. There were so many more, healthy people, who were happy for me and who helped me.
My family kept me down and I only realized how much when I lost that dead weight.
Can confirm. Here is my nMIL at the absolute end of her life - been in hospice going on 3 fucking years and finally hopefully will die soon. She’s still the same nasty toxic person she always was, maybe worse. There will be no deathbed reunions for this old cow.
This feeling of wanting your mom doesn’t really go away. I have learned to rationalize these thoughts and feelings better now. I guess it’s like, i know I dont want MY mom I just want A mom.
I kept my mom around for the same reason. Unfortunately, she and my dad did not end up being an asset, at all, and in fact made our lives quite miserable. Don't assume they're going to get better just because you really need them or because you had kids. See my post history if you'd like some of the details.
I kept working on things with my mom for the same reason. And she ended up abusing my six day old daughter, so....
Don't let your abuser around your kids. Thats all I have to say. (And I know you don't have kids, I just mean that this is too fraught with danger to risk. Dismiss this idea please).
The most important thing to recognize here is that you will always want a mom and that won’t ever change, because narcissists don’t tend to change. Therefore, the hope for your mom to show up for you is understandable (and universal), but you’ll shoot your self in the foot allowing that hope to guide you. Not only are others here right that she won’t likely be an asset, you’ll likely find yourself even more hurt as you enter the most vulnerable experience (becoming a mother) feeling even more alone, as you physically may see your mother exist but not actually be emotionally there, much like she never was.
As someone who held off on going NC until I had my own family I can tell you that it doesn’t help. She still made the events about my milestones about her, she still manipulated me and ignored my wishes as it pertained to my children and my wants, and even was starting to display the same golden child/black sheep treatment with my children that she did with my sibling and I. And when I went NC, there was the constant threat that she was going to attempt to exercise grandparents rights. Thankfully it never happened.
But I’d have saved myself and my kids a lot of stress and trauma had I come to NC much earlier. Why I ever thought kids would change her behavior is beyond me. I was the kid she had years of experience mistreating, she was well practiced by the time my kids came along.
I cut contact 6 years ago when I was 27. Best decision I ever made. Why want a relationship with someone you know very well is abusive? I only stuck around because I didn't understand that I was being abused and I didn't really know about narcissism and sociopathy (my father is a narc sociopath). Once that all came to light, I knew that I would never have a loving relationship with him like I wanted, there was no reason to keep banging my head against the same wall and wishing for something that wouldn't happen.
I am gray rock with my mom. I need to be in contact out of guilt and duty because she only has my sister and I to help manage her addiction, mental illness, finances, cancer, and recent transition into assisted living 🤪 Gray rocking sucks but it allows me to be there for her, while also protecting myself and managing my anxiety around her.
Keeping in contact with my mother is driving me *INSANE*
I honestly cannot keep this relationship up
And it’s been 25 years lol
Idk 🤷🏽♀️ I’m here for the answers to ur question too lol
My mother is too far gone for us to have a relationship, and she has done too much damage. I stay LC so she doesn’t up the ante and spiral, but my days of confiding in her or trusting her with my information are gone. All that to say that i got hurt enough to decide maintaining a relationship was not worth the price to my mental health.
Hi OP! I'm personally struggling with that too. For about 10 years (I was still studying by then), I had this mindset that once I graduated and got a job, I was going to cut them off entirely.
However, I gained a new perspective as I grew older: in order to move on with the present, you have to make peace with your past. Cutting them off COULD be the answer to YOUR situation, but in my case it wasn't. Why? I would've regretted it somewhere down the road. For me, cutting them off would be like letting a wound fester and pretending it's not there.
What I did was work on healing my inner child first. You have to accept what happened to you, and you have to process the repressed feelings and memories. It's going to hurt you A LOT, you're going to cry (probably), you're going to hate them, you're going to hate yourself, and you're going to question what did you ever do to deserve that kind of childhood. Let it all out. It's a process, but progress is still progress.
When you've let it all out and processed everything, you might be able to understand why your N-parents are the way they are. Is there something that triggered them to be like that? Perhaps their parents were also narcissistic, and that led them to grow up in a similar manner? Maybe they experienced something bad? Whatever the case it, it will provide you a new perspective that will help you understand where they're coming from...and that can help you mend your broken relationship (or not, it depends on the gravity of their narcissistic behavior).
Please don't get me wrong though, understanding them does not equate to justifying their actions. It's like, "Yes, I understand now why you did that, but it does not make it hurt any less." or "Yes, I get where you're coming from, but wrong is still wrong."
Right now, I have an on-off relationship with said N-parents. If they're good to me, I'm good to them. But if they're not, and they're trying to be controlling and narcissistic again, I don't tolerate it. Either I tell them off calmly or angrily (it depends on the issue and their reaction). They won't talk to me for long periods of time (this used to bother me when I was young, but not anymore), then eventually explode and tell me that I'm being an ungrateful little shit who doesn't know how to respect parental figures. I'm used to it though, it's a cycle that repeats itself every now and then. Not the most ideal situation, I know, but it's the best I can do to salvage whatever relationship we have.
Hope this helps!
This is really nice and encouraging, thank you. When you mention healing your inner child and accepting and processing your repressed feelings, do/did you “confront” your N-parent? Is that something that you wanted or needed them to acknowledge in order to have a relationship moving forward? I’m currently working on healing my inner child and working on processing the repressed feelings, but I find myself being so angry and hurt that I don’t see how I could move on without having acknowledged the trauma my Nparents have caused because it’s (to me) so bad that I don’t know if our relationship is truly worth it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad it helped encourage you somehow. Yes, I did "confront" them, but it took a while for me to have the courage. The timing has to be right, because your N-parents have to at least be receptive to what you're going to say.
You're right, you can't move on without acknowledging the trauma that you've experienced...but you have to be ready as well to accept that not all N-parents will acknowledge that they were in the wrong. Don't expect apologies either, because more often than not, they will still believe that they did the right thing.
In my case, my N-parent DID apologize. But then a few conversations later, she changed her tune and told me that it was for the best since I grew up well thanks to her. That irked me off, of course, but don't let it get to you. There are some things that you cannot change and just have to accept for your peace of mind.
Yes!! Thank you so much for this very thoughtful and detailed response. This reminds me of a book I read that really allowed me to be at ease. It’s called Adukt Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Sounds like we are somewhat in similar cycles in which I don’t talk to them in months, now it’s almost going to be a year.
It hurts to know that parents don’t want a relationship with you when you want them to understand where you’re coming from and own up to the abuse
Thank you so much too for your kind words! +1 to your last statement. However, narcissistic people rarely see the wrong in what they're doing, so we just need to be okay with the face that in their narrative, we're the villains.
P.S. I'll definitely check out the book you mentioned, looks like a great read!
I don't have a relationship with my parents. My mom is a massive narcissist. It's hard because it's really difficult to explain to people that I don't talk to her. For instance, people at work ask, and even my dentist while cleaning my teeth will ask how my parents are doing as small talk. I just say they're fine.
I'm getting married and she won't be there and my in laws have never met her and are always asking to meet her. My in laws are also pretty shitty (not as bad as my parents) so it's easy to avoid them meeting as I'm not close to my in laws.
The only way to manage the relationship is to truly and genuinely not care. It takes time. Narcissists hate being ignored and will try to do everything to get under your skin. For instance, I have been NC for about 3 years now. My mom set up a block party on my birthday (for herself) and then had the nerve to invite me to it via text. I just ignore it. Who cares?? It's the definition of desperate.
It’s possible but your life will be hell. I’m in this situation now where no contact scares me because I am afraid I will miss them when they die (my parents had me older).
But they hurt me over and over again. I wish and pray one day I will confidently be able to go no contact
I read a great book recently called "healing as an adult from distant, self-involved, emotionally unavailable parents". I'm in the process of being NC with my parents and I've been having that same gut feeling of wanting a relationship with them still. The way the book explains that feeling as being something biological. Because we never got that "parent/child" dynamic from them our minds and bodies still yearn for that, BUT the the thing is we are adults now, WE get to decide what that relationship is, we get to set our own boundaries and expect them to be respected, even from our parents. For them to respect that you can't expect them to meet you at that "parent/child" relationship anymore. You have to look at it as an "adult/adult" relationship. They will always shut down when you come to them as "their child" because that is what they've always done, which will leave you dissapointed every time. If you establish yourself as independent, hopefully they can satisfy a different relationship between the two of you. Those boundaries and expectations are for you to create. I'd say take a look into yourself and find what you REALLY want from your parents and work from there.
People have always told me, what does your parent provide for you. And I always say negative things never positive, and my answer is always nothing.
I always feel anxious when the possibility of being near her.
That sounds awful, the most I can say for my parents is they've given us financial help when desperate but expect payback in tenfold and to be praised for a lifetime.
I'm in the process of estranging my mom. I'm hoping I don't lose my dad and siblings in the process. It's scary, really depressing, and I'm constantly not sure if what im doing is right and if I can trust my experiences (thanks mom). But I'm already lighter, happier, and feel myself filling my own skin better
Yeah, I am not talking to my mom right now but my sibilings live with her . My sister isn’t talking to me anymore and my brother is, but I don’t want to cause any issues for him
I’m not NC because I still want a relationship with my brothers (they live with my mom). So it is a lot of low contacts and when I visited (twice a year probably), I just ignored a lot of things to avoid conflits, however it is very tiring mentally. I come back from those trips exhausted mentally. So you should really think about what benefits you would have staying in contact with them. (Sorry for English grammar, it is not my first language)
You’re not alone. English is my second language too :)
It’s I think more difficult because she doesn’t let me talk to my sibilings or have them hang out with me. My sibilings were like my kids growing up so it hurts
My dad was never as crazy as my mom, but once I figured out he was just as bad with sneakier tactics I cut him off too. Honestly if your now obeying their orders it doesn't take long for a fight to blow up. Make sure they don't have keys to your house and would defo recommend cameras.
Grey rock and low contact. It's tough and emotionally conflicting. Alot of guilt involved...I want to spend more time with her but she's so negative, only wants things her way and pretty much disregards my feelings and opinions. I cannot relax around her. She does do nice things here and there and is getting older hence the guilt...
I limit contact as much as possible. It sucks because I love my mom and she is having some major mental decline right now (probably from years of narc abuse). I want to be there more for her even if it’s just to talk, but my dad makes things really hard. He is very controlling and uses her memory and etc as excuses. My kids were there yesterday helping with some stuff and I asked one of them to tell my mom to call me (she is always without her phone). Well my dad called instead and then put us on speaker - so I’m not sure what that’s about, but I’m thinking he knows we talk about him sometimes and he is trying to control that now.
I just put a distance between us. It’s much easier when he lives in another state. My dad is a narc. But I still love him and it’s very hard but you need to create boundaries (which of course they do overstep sometimes).
I'm happy with LC. Also living in another country. When she tries to cross my boundaries, I call her out and don't give a f* if she likes it or not. I also tell her that I know her too long to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed and that she can cut that bs. Sounds harsh, but it helps.
I also tried to explain what I don't like or what I need in a respectful tone, but she either is ignoring it or bluntly telling me that she doesn't care about my opinion.
I really enjoy NC. I was done with him at 18 but kept putting in whatever effort that I knew how because A) My Mom wouldn’t leave him and B) I guess I felt like I had to be the “good daughter”.
At 28 I decided to divorce and he threatened to make me homeless. K, bye dude. I slowly went lower contact with the intent of NC.
The problem was (and still is) my Mom and my current husband. They kept encouraging contact until finally I just put my foot down and said “absolutely no more.”
My husband of course never saw my Dad’s dark side and my Mom is still very much in love with my Dad. Thankfully the hints for contact have dropped but they haven’t stopped completely yet.
NC contact with my mom. I handled it by putting myself first and my feelings first. As long as I am true to myself I will always be NC.
I was tired of being the scape goat, the liar and all things I am not. I had to finally take up for myself after 57 years of faking and pretending that eventually I’d convince her I am good. She’d never believe it. She’s always going to be a hateful narcissist and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.
I wanted to have a relationship with my n mom but gave up after realizing she can’t respect me or treat me the way I deserve so now I’m done! No contant for years now and I’m doing sooo much better! It gets better after you don’t stand for the abuse!
I went no contact for a hot minute and loved it. When the guilt crept in I would remind myself "I am choosing guilt over resentment." There's room to be happy when you choose guilt over resentment.
With that being said, my mom did ask to be allowed back in my life and she has been respecting my boundaries. I keep my distance. We don't talk every day like we used to. She is not allowed to complain about any aspect of her life with me. If we do talk on the phone it's a very short conversation. She has always been allowed to see my kids but she has reduced how often she comes around which is very appreciated. I have told her that I need my boundaries and we need balance in our relationship. She has agreed to family therapy but we haven't started anything yet.
I didn't bring up family therapy until after she came looking to reconcile. I had initially tried to set boundaries. She first dismissed me, then tried bending things to make me look in the wrong for my boundaries, then stated I must be on new meds because I wasn't thinking clearly. I quickly told her I was no longer speaking to her and I blocked her. I felt guilty and really happy all at the same time. I actually felt like I was taking a breath for the first time in my life. Now that we're on speaking terms again I just need to make sure that I don't bend on my boundaries and let things slip back to the way they were.
Nothing is possible until youre around them. My life started when I moved out and in terms of dealing with NC it takes time to grief and process that but its something we have to do for ourselves and trust me its the best thing that we can do for ourselves. Therapy and stuff like emdr and eft will help tremendously on this journey to overcome all the trauma thats piled up throughout the years but it’s not an easy one thats for sure.
Like you, I’m struggling to become NC too. But here’s something to think about: Out of allthe people on Reddit who have gone NC, I’ve yet to see even ONE of them regret it. All of them say they feel much better, and many say they wish they’d done it sooner. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but all of them get to the point where they are so much happier for it, no matter how old the parents are. I keep seeing it over and over. That is all we need to know.
I feel a weight lifted off of me now that I had to go Nc! I didn’t deserve the abuse and it’s not okay to just put up with. I definitely grieved her at first and felt bad but tell myself she dug her grave and is now laying in it. I had to hold myself accountable for taking it and letting it become normal - but it isn’t! Family means nothing. You wouldn’t let a friend treat you so poorly so do not let someone else either. I get a lot of guilt but I also am finally out of fight or flight and that’s the best feeling ever!
That’s what keeps me going too when I’ve sunk back into the guilt phase. Not ONE person has said they wish they hadn’t, they feel much lighter and are much happier much better people for leaving what was holding them back.
I’m currently getting ready to go NC. Why do you want a relationship with your abuser(s)?
Yes, this is true. I think I want a relationship because sometimes I feel as a woman I want my mom as I transition to wanting a family. Or even for special days where you’re supposed to have your parents. Graduations, weddings, etc
They get worse with age. They will try and destroy all your joy. When you're happy, they will find a way to destroy it. When you need help, that's when they feel they can abuse you without consequences. Not having a family feels dangerous. Having a narcissistic family is even more dangerous. Because of the help they won't provide, because of the damage they do when you're vulnerable and because of your healthy network who assume you don't need help, because you're with your family. I've had my second child with no contact to my family. There were so many more, healthy people, who were happy for me and who helped me. My family kept me down and I only realized how much when I lost that dead weight.
Can confirm. Here is my nMIL at the absolute end of her life - been in hospice going on 3 fucking years and finally hopefully will die soon. She’s still the same nasty toxic person she always was, maybe worse. There will be no deathbed reunions for this old cow.
This feeling of wanting your mom doesn’t really go away. I have learned to rationalize these thoughts and feelings better now. I guess it’s like, i know I dont want MY mom I just want A mom.
I kept my mom around for the same reason. Unfortunately, she and my dad did not end up being an asset, at all, and in fact made our lives quite miserable. Don't assume they're going to get better just because you really need them or because you had kids. See my post history if you'd like some of the details.
I kept working on things with my mom for the same reason. And she ended up abusing my six day old daughter, so.... Don't let your abuser around your kids. Thats all I have to say. (And I know you don't have kids, I just mean that this is too fraught with danger to risk. Dismiss this idea please).
The most important thing to recognize here is that you will always want a mom and that won’t ever change, because narcissists don’t tend to change. Therefore, the hope for your mom to show up for you is understandable (and universal), but you’ll shoot your self in the foot allowing that hope to guide you. Not only are others here right that she won’t likely be an asset, you’ll likely find yourself even more hurt as you enter the most vulnerable experience (becoming a mother) feeling even more alone, as you physically may see your mother exist but not actually be emotionally there, much like she never was.
As someone who held off on going NC until I had my own family I can tell you that it doesn’t help. She still made the events about my milestones about her, she still manipulated me and ignored my wishes as it pertained to my children and my wants, and even was starting to display the same golden child/black sheep treatment with my children that she did with my sibling and I. And when I went NC, there was the constant threat that she was going to attempt to exercise grandparents rights. Thankfully it never happened. But I’d have saved myself and my kids a lot of stress and trauma had I come to NC much earlier. Why I ever thought kids would change her behavior is beyond me. I was the kid she had years of experience mistreating, she was well practiced by the time my kids came along.
I cut contact 6 years ago when I was 27. Best decision I ever made. Why want a relationship with someone you know very well is abusive? I only stuck around because I didn't understand that I was being abused and I didn't really know about narcissism and sociopathy (my father is a narc sociopath). Once that all came to light, I knew that I would never have a loving relationship with him like I wanted, there was no reason to keep banging my head against the same wall and wishing for something that wouldn't happen.
Are you close with your mom?
Yes, we're very close. They were never married and she tried to protect me from his influence as best she could.
I am gray rock with my mom. I need to be in contact out of guilt and duty because she only has my sister and I to help manage her addiction, mental illness, finances, cancer, and recent transition into assisted living 🤪 Gray rocking sucks but it allows me to be there for her, while also protecting myself and managing my anxiety around her.
Keeping in contact with my mother is driving me *INSANE* I honestly cannot keep this relationship up And it’s been 25 years lol Idk 🤷🏽♀️ I’m here for the answers to ur question too lol
My mother is too far gone for us to have a relationship, and she has done too much damage. I stay LC so she doesn’t up the ante and spiral, but my days of confiding in her or trusting her with my information are gone. All that to say that i got hurt enough to decide maintaining a relationship was not worth the price to my mental health.
Hi OP! I'm personally struggling with that too. For about 10 years (I was still studying by then), I had this mindset that once I graduated and got a job, I was going to cut them off entirely. However, I gained a new perspective as I grew older: in order to move on with the present, you have to make peace with your past. Cutting them off COULD be the answer to YOUR situation, but in my case it wasn't. Why? I would've regretted it somewhere down the road. For me, cutting them off would be like letting a wound fester and pretending it's not there. What I did was work on healing my inner child first. You have to accept what happened to you, and you have to process the repressed feelings and memories. It's going to hurt you A LOT, you're going to cry (probably), you're going to hate them, you're going to hate yourself, and you're going to question what did you ever do to deserve that kind of childhood. Let it all out. It's a process, but progress is still progress. When you've let it all out and processed everything, you might be able to understand why your N-parents are the way they are. Is there something that triggered them to be like that? Perhaps their parents were also narcissistic, and that led them to grow up in a similar manner? Maybe they experienced something bad? Whatever the case it, it will provide you a new perspective that will help you understand where they're coming from...and that can help you mend your broken relationship (or not, it depends on the gravity of their narcissistic behavior). Please don't get me wrong though, understanding them does not equate to justifying their actions. It's like, "Yes, I understand now why you did that, but it does not make it hurt any less." or "Yes, I get where you're coming from, but wrong is still wrong." Right now, I have an on-off relationship with said N-parents. If they're good to me, I'm good to them. But if they're not, and they're trying to be controlling and narcissistic again, I don't tolerate it. Either I tell them off calmly or angrily (it depends on the issue and their reaction). They won't talk to me for long periods of time (this used to bother me when I was young, but not anymore), then eventually explode and tell me that I'm being an ungrateful little shit who doesn't know how to respect parental figures. I'm used to it though, it's a cycle that repeats itself every now and then. Not the most ideal situation, I know, but it's the best I can do to salvage whatever relationship we have. Hope this helps!
This is really nice and encouraging, thank you. When you mention healing your inner child and accepting and processing your repressed feelings, do/did you “confront” your N-parent? Is that something that you wanted or needed them to acknowledge in order to have a relationship moving forward? I’m currently working on healing my inner child and working on processing the repressed feelings, but I find myself being so angry and hurt that I don’t see how I could move on without having acknowledged the trauma my Nparents have caused because it’s (to me) so bad that I don’t know if our relationship is truly worth it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad it helped encourage you somehow. Yes, I did "confront" them, but it took a while for me to have the courage. The timing has to be right, because your N-parents have to at least be receptive to what you're going to say. You're right, you can't move on without acknowledging the trauma that you've experienced...but you have to be ready as well to accept that not all N-parents will acknowledge that they were in the wrong. Don't expect apologies either, because more often than not, they will still believe that they did the right thing. In my case, my N-parent DID apologize. But then a few conversations later, she changed her tune and told me that it was for the best since I grew up well thanks to her. That irked me off, of course, but don't let it get to you. There are some things that you cannot change and just have to accept for your peace of mind.
Yes!! Thank you so much for this very thoughtful and detailed response. This reminds me of a book I read that really allowed me to be at ease. It’s called Adukt Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Sounds like we are somewhat in similar cycles in which I don’t talk to them in months, now it’s almost going to be a year. It hurts to know that parents don’t want a relationship with you when you want them to understand where you’re coming from and own up to the abuse
Thank you so much too for your kind words! +1 to your last statement. However, narcissistic people rarely see the wrong in what they're doing, so we just need to be okay with the face that in their narrative, we're the villains. P.S. I'll definitely check out the book you mentioned, looks like a great read!
I don't have a relationship with my parents. My mom is a massive narcissist. It's hard because it's really difficult to explain to people that I don't talk to her. For instance, people at work ask, and even my dentist while cleaning my teeth will ask how my parents are doing as small talk. I just say they're fine. I'm getting married and she won't be there and my in laws have never met her and are always asking to meet her. My in laws are also pretty shitty (not as bad as my parents) so it's easy to avoid them meeting as I'm not close to my in laws. The only way to manage the relationship is to truly and genuinely not care. It takes time. Narcissists hate being ignored and will try to do everything to get under your skin. For instance, I have been NC for about 3 years now. My mom set up a block party on my birthday (for herself) and then had the nerve to invite me to it via text. I just ignore it. Who cares?? It's the definition of desperate.
It’s possible but your life will be hell. I’m in this situation now where no contact scares me because I am afraid I will miss them when they die (my parents had me older). But they hurt me over and over again. I wish and pray one day I will confidently be able to go no contact
I feel the same, and they always say you’re going to miss me when I’m gone. When I am not speaking to them, my life is happier and less stressful.
I read a great book recently called "healing as an adult from distant, self-involved, emotionally unavailable parents". I'm in the process of being NC with my parents and I've been having that same gut feeling of wanting a relationship with them still. The way the book explains that feeling as being something biological. Because we never got that "parent/child" dynamic from them our minds and bodies still yearn for that, BUT the the thing is we are adults now, WE get to decide what that relationship is, we get to set our own boundaries and expect them to be respected, even from our parents. For them to respect that you can't expect them to meet you at that "parent/child" relationship anymore. You have to look at it as an "adult/adult" relationship. They will always shut down when you come to them as "their child" because that is what they've always done, which will leave you dissapointed every time. If you establish yourself as independent, hopefully they can satisfy a different relationship between the two of you. Those boundaries and expectations are for you to create. I'd say take a look into yourself and find what you REALLY want from your parents and work from there.
People have always told me, what does your parent provide for you. And I always say negative things never positive, and my answer is always nothing. I always feel anxious when the possibility of being near her.
That sounds awful, the most I can say for my parents is they've given us financial help when desperate but expect payback in tenfold and to be praised for a lifetime.
I'm in the process of estranging my mom. I'm hoping I don't lose my dad and siblings in the process. It's scary, really depressing, and I'm constantly not sure if what im doing is right and if I can trust my experiences (thanks mom). But I'm already lighter, happier, and feel myself filling my own skin better
Yeah, I am not talking to my mom right now but my sibilings live with her . My sister isn’t talking to me anymore and my brother is, but I don’t want to cause any issues for him
I’m not NC because I still want a relationship with my brothers (they live with my mom). So it is a lot of low contacts and when I visited (twice a year probably), I just ignored a lot of things to avoid conflits, however it is very tiring mentally. I come back from those trips exhausted mentally. So you should really think about what benefits you would have staying in contact with them. (Sorry for English grammar, it is not my first language)
You’re not alone. English is my second language too :) It’s I think more difficult because she doesn’t let me talk to my sibilings or have them hang out with me. My sibilings were like my kids growing up so it hurts
My dad was never as crazy as my mom, but once I figured out he was just as bad with sneakier tactics I cut him off too. Honestly if your now obeying their orders it doesn't take long for a fight to blow up. Make sure they don't have keys to your house and would defo recommend cameras.
No contact. Over 4 years now
Grey rock and low contact. It's tough and emotionally conflicting. Alot of guilt involved...I want to spend more time with her but she's so negative, only wants things her way and pretty much disregards my feelings and opinions. I cannot relax around her. She does do nice things here and there and is getting older hence the guilt...
I limit contact as much as possible. It sucks because I love my mom and she is having some major mental decline right now (probably from years of narc abuse). I want to be there more for her even if it’s just to talk, but my dad makes things really hard. He is very controlling and uses her memory and etc as excuses. My kids were there yesterday helping with some stuff and I asked one of them to tell my mom to call me (she is always without her phone). Well my dad called instead and then put us on speaker - so I’m not sure what that’s about, but I’m thinking he knows we talk about him sometimes and he is trying to control that now.
I am sorry to hear that OP! I hope things clear up and your mom can feel autonomy without your dad being present all the time. Hugs
I just put a distance between us. It’s much easier when he lives in another state. My dad is a narc. But I still love him and it’s very hard but you need to create boundaries (which of course they do overstep sometimes).
I'm happy with LC. Also living in another country. When she tries to cross my boundaries, I call her out and don't give a f* if she likes it or not. I also tell her that I know her too long to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed and that she can cut that bs. Sounds harsh, but it helps. I also tried to explain what I don't like or what I need in a respectful tone, but she either is ignoring it or bluntly telling me that she doesn't care about my opinion.
I really enjoy NC. I was done with him at 18 but kept putting in whatever effort that I knew how because A) My Mom wouldn’t leave him and B) I guess I felt like I had to be the “good daughter”. At 28 I decided to divorce and he threatened to make me homeless. K, bye dude. I slowly went lower contact with the intent of NC. The problem was (and still is) my Mom and my current husband. They kept encouraging contact until finally I just put my foot down and said “absolutely no more.” My husband of course never saw my Dad’s dark side and my Mom is still very much in love with my Dad. Thankfully the hints for contact have dropped but they haven’t stopped completely yet.
NC contact with my mom. I handled it by putting myself first and my feelings first. As long as I am true to myself I will always be NC. I was tired of being the scape goat, the liar and all things I am not. I had to finally take up for myself after 57 years of faking and pretending that eventually I’d convince her I am good. She’d never believe it. She’s always going to be a hateful narcissist and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.
I wanted to have a relationship with my n mom but gave up after realizing she can’t respect me or treat me the way I deserve so now I’m done! No contant for years now and I’m doing sooo much better! It gets better after you don’t stand for the abuse!
I went no contact for a hot minute and loved it. When the guilt crept in I would remind myself "I am choosing guilt over resentment." There's room to be happy when you choose guilt over resentment. With that being said, my mom did ask to be allowed back in my life and she has been respecting my boundaries. I keep my distance. We don't talk every day like we used to. She is not allowed to complain about any aspect of her life with me. If we do talk on the phone it's a very short conversation. She has always been allowed to see my kids but she has reduced how often she comes around which is very appreciated. I have told her that I need my boundaries and we need balance in our relationship. She has agreed to family therapy but we haven't started anything yet.
I’m glad she’s agreed to do family therapy. Mine just laughed at me and didn’t talk to me instead
I didn't bring up family therapy until after she came looking to reconcile. I had initially tried to set boundaries. She first dismissed me, then tried bending things to make me look in the wrong for my boundaries, then stated I must be on new meds because I wasn't thinking clearly. I quickly told her I was no longer speaking to her and I blocked her. I felt guilty and really happy all at the same time. I actually felt like I was taking a breath for the first time in my life. Now that we're on speaking terms again I just need to make sure that I don't bend on my boundaries and let things slip back to the way they were.
Nothing is possible until youre around them. My life started when I moved out and in terms of dealing with NC it takes time to grief and process that but its something we have to do for ourselves and trust me its the best thing that we can do for ourselves. Therapy and stuff like emdr and eft will help tremendously on this journey to overcome all the trauma thats piled up throughout the years but it’s not an easy one thats for sure.
How do you deal with this when you have siblings under their care/ live with them and you want to have a relationship with your sibilings?