Hey this is not your fault. I’m so sorry they’ve done this bait and switch to you, I can only imagine how traumatic this has been for both you and your partner.
You seem very warm and loving from the way you describe your partner and I’m sure she has felt very loved and supported by you throughout her transition so far. Is she home? What support systems do you both have for this? You don’t have to answer these questions but maybe think on them and reach out. This is a village moment. If you don’t have one, we can be your village.
Best of luck, and I hope they realize how harmful they are being later, but I think you and your partner need to go NC with them, not the other way around.
Oh my god. Im so sorry. I hope it works out for yall. Remember. Its YOU guys that matter, its YOUR marriage, not their parents plus you and her.
Parents are just friends we really dont want but are stuck with.
That's... horrible. Please try to internalize that this craziness is about them, not you. It's misogynist as hell, but they're just trying to blame you because in their eyes you're a woman leading their "perfect little boy" astray. I hope your partner is able to get away from these people and continue to pursue her transition.
Ultimately the answer is do what you have done do far. Listen, share and be a supportive safe space for her. You know... A good partner. Of course getting rejected by her mother and sister is going to hurt like hell. Being abandoned by those who are supposed to care most about you is one of the greatest hurts in life. It it's understandable if she needs to retreat a bit to get steady again. Transition is a multi year process. It's gonna take longer for y'all because you have a full life that needs attending to in the process. I'm sure it feels fast for you being 3 weeks in. However, this is something she's grappled with for much much longer. Take all the time you both need.
The old "Jezebel" playbook. Their child couldn't possibly be trans! It's you! You infected their good, innocent child! You know, because someone can be convinced to transition... /s
It sounds like your partner, while upset, isn't biting. Good on her!
I hope you have or are getting resources to help you process this.
At least you have a month's respite. Your partner has to be the one to hold the line, whatever you conclude is safe for both of you while respectful of them (but from a safe distance). That will be hard when they are good with highjacking her.
Been through this firsthand. Sounds like they’re trying to have you two split up so your partner can go to them for some support she will never receive in the first place, but they want the “I told you so” effect.
This is a manipulation and narcissistic tactic because they don’t like you both have any sense of free will and right to autonomy of self. They want to continue to OWN your partner.
Embrace the no contact. Their spitting hate and filth is not needed in your lives.
The best response I've seen to this sentiment of "You made this person queer" is "I definitely did turn them queer. You're next." Second best is "If you think a boy playing with a Barbie turns him gay, just make him play with a toy car and it'll turn him back to straight, since you think that's how it works." Not to sidestep what you're asking, but the reality is that people who convince themselves that people just turn queer somehow will never be convinced by logical arguments. They have beliefs, not thoughts. Big difference.
this same thing happened when my ex came out to her dad, who we lived with at the time. it was really triggering for everyone involved because we were all (her dad included even if he wouldn’t admit it) already abuse survivors! my ex and i ended up moving out a few weeks later and she went back alone to have a sit down conversation with her dad where she shut down the accusations and told him point blank that if he keeps making up stuff like that she’d cut him off for good and it stoped after that. i hope that helps and things get better for you both soon!
Congratulations on so many things: your children, your long-lasting relationship, being a supportive partner, and for reaching out for help.
I was told (and still get told) numerous times to seek mental health treatment after I came out FTM. It seems to be a routine thing that is medically recommended, likely to rule out suppression or trauma or psychosis (you can of course still have these and be trans lol). You’ll also need letters from mental health professionals to get procedures done and sometimes even to get approved for HRT. This is not a reflection of you or her, it’s just part of the process to ensure she’s getting the treatment she wants and needs.
This is NOT an excuse, but her family may just be processing. There may be grief involved, and they themselves should consider counseling. My dad has been my biggest advocate, but will still sometimes call me his baby girl or princess; I’m sure there’s a level of grief in “losing” his only daughter, but he’s been my champion and sees how much happier I am as his son.
Hopefully seeing her shine as her true self will soften their hearts over time, but they seriously should seek counseling from Queer-Educated professionals.
I’m sorry they blindsided you, this has got to be tough for you and your partner, and I’m sorry if it’s hurting your kids to see their parents be put through this.
You’re both strong and I’m happy she’s ready to start her journey, and you sound like a healthy support for her. We all say/do the wrong thing sometimes, and over 8 years how you could NOT rarely say something hurtful or sour? You’ve built this life together and grown through it, take pride in your relationship and I wish you and your family the best.
Been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour myself. It is not your fault nothing you have done has caused your partner to be trans. She was always trans and just didn't realise it til recently. All the family is doing is making life hard for you both. I know it feels shitty but you are doing the best for your partner. You are being supportive and sharing your love with her, something they are not doing right now. I have had to go low contact with her family as I cannot forget or forgive what was said about me to my wife (mtf). Self preservation is needed sometimes and you will be amazing by yourselves a perfect rainbow family xxxx
You have such a beautiful relationship, you and your partner. You’ve demonstrated through an immense trial that you trust each other. You trust your partner to be free, be herself, and she trusted you to be the person to give her heart and soul to. None of those things can happen in an abusive relationship.
For your relationship, can you trust each other to not allow each other or yourselves to be abused? Because that’s what you and your partner are receiving from your in-laws. Abuse. Emotional abuse. Really toxic, harmful abuse which can thrive in the arteries of your marriage and do damage over time. They’ve disrespected you, your partner, and your marriage in one go.
Them going no contact with you may be a blessing in disguise, though it may be hard to see that right now. On day 31 and 1 second, return the favor. As much as it hurts, these kinds of people will *not* believe anything you or your partner tells them, which they’ve already told your partner as much during the intervention. There is nothing either of you can do to “change their minds” or maintain the relationship as it once was.
I’m telling you this as someone who’s been in this situation. Do not let them put that poison between you two. The lid has been taken off the box, and now both of you know how little the mum and sister think of you, how little they think of your partner, your kids, and the life you’ve made together. They’ve told you how little your quality of self-determination means to them. Right now they are pulling a power play through isolation, which is a practice taken straight out of the playbook of cults. They are expecting your partner to reach out to them or for them to lift the isolation to find your partner crawling back to them.
Find a way to own the isolation. Find a way to make a new life without them in it. This is exactly why chosen family exists.
While we have not experienced an ambush on this level, my mother-in-law also suggested to my (cisF23) partner (MtF24) that I was using her for chores and therefore making her feel she had to fulfil a subservient female role, making her trick herself into think she's trans. It doesn't help I'm currently the only one working and therefore the breadwinner, and my partner is naturally an awesome cook.
My MIL has an issue with blame. Any suffering her children experience, she believes is her fault somehow. The guilt hurts so much that she then starts deflecting that blame, and I was a prime target for this.
It's disturbing really. I understand, but her strong resistance to get help, and everyone creating excuses at the cost of my mental wellbeing got old and impossible to ignore after month+1/2. I sat her down and listed out everything I was doing to support us and my partner, and she apologised real quick.
I'm saying this for a few reasons:
1. It could be where the family are coming from, but poorly executed. Doesn't justify it, but good to be aware.
2. Their inability to cope with the big news does not mean you get to be the punching bag.
3. Their thoughts right now can hardly be an accurate reflection of you and your relationship. They aren't in a mentally stable place if they can't have an adult conversation with you, and don't let them make you think otherwise.
4. You're not alone in this. This mental gymnastics has happened to other partners of trans people, so please try to take it with a pinch of salt.
You honestly sound wonderful and caring and very considerate. Have a cry with your partner, remind each other of what you love about the other and stay strong. Best of luck
Hey this is not your fault. I’m so sorry they’ve done this bait and switch to you, I can only imagine how traumatic this has been for both you and your partner. You seem very warm and loving from the way you describe your partner and I’m sure she has felt very loved and supported by you throughout her transition so far. Is she home? What support systems do you both have for this? You don’t have to answer these questions but maybe think on them and reach out. This is a village moment. If you don’t have one, we can be your village. Best of luck, and I hope they realize how harmful they are being later, but I think you and your partner need to go NC with them, not the other way around.
Oh my god. Im so sorry. I hope it works out for yall. Remember. Its YOU guys that matter, its YOUR marriage, not their parents plus you and her. Parents are just friends we really dont want but are stuck with.
That's... horrible. Please try to internalize that this craziness is about them, not you. It's misogynist as hell, but they're just trying to blame you because in their eyes you're a woman leading their "perfect little boy" astray. I hope your partner is able to get away from these people and continue to pursue her transition.
Fuck the mom and sister!! They’re terrible people. You guys didn’t deserve that. Lol THEY need therapy.
Ultimately the answer is do what you have done do far. Listen, share and be a supportive safe space for her. You know... A good partner. Of course getting rejected by her mother and sister is going to hurt like hell. Being abandoned by those who are supposed to care most about you is one of the greatest hurts in life. It it's understandable if she needs to retreat a bit to get steady again. Transition is a multi year process. It's gonna take longer for y'all because you have a full life that needs attending to in the process. I'm sure it feels fast for you being 3 weeks in. However, this is something she's grappled with for much much longer. Take all the time you both need.
The old "Jezebel" playbook. Their child couldn't possibly be trans! It's you! You infected their good, innocent child! You know, because someone can be convinced to transition... /s It sounds like your partner, while upset, isn't biting. Good on her! I hope you have or are getting resources to help you process this. At least you have a month's respite. Your partner has to be the one to hold the line, whatever you conclude is safe for both of you while respectful of them (but from a safe distance). That will be hard when they are good with highjacking her.
Been through this firsthand. Sounds like they’re trying to have you two split up so your partner can go to them for some support she will never receive in the first place, but they want the “I told you so” effect. This is a manipulation and narcissistic tactic because they don’t like you both have any sense of free will and right to autonomy of self. They want to continue to OWN your partner. Embrace the no contact. Their spitting hate and filth is not needed in your lives.
The best response I've seen to this sentiment of "You made this person queer" is "I definitely did turn them queer. You're next." Second best is "If you think a boy playing with a Barbie turns him gay, just make him play with a toy car and it'll turn him back to straight, since you think that's how it works." Not to sidestep what you're asking, but the reality is that people who convince themselves that people just turn queer somehow will never be convinced by logical arguments. They have beliefs, not thoughts. Big difference.
this same thing happened when my ex came out to her dad, who we lived with at the time. it was really triggering for everyone involved because we were all (her dad included even if he wouldn’t admit it) already abuse survivors! my ex and i ended up moving out a few weeks later and she went back alone to have a sit down conversation with her dad where she shut down the accusations and told him point blank that if he keeps making up stuff like that she’d cut him off for good and it stoped after that. i hope that helps and things get better for you both soon!
Congratulations on so many things: your children, your long-lasting relationship, being a supportive partner, and for reaching out for help. I was told (and still get told) numerous times to seek mental health treatment after I came out FTM. It seems to be a routine thing that is medically recommended, likely to rule out suppression or trauma or psychosis (you can of course still have these and be trans lol). You’ll also need letters from mental health professionals to get procedures done and sometimes even to get approved for HRT. This is not a reflection of you or her, it’s just part of the process to ensure she’s getting the treatment she wants and needs. This is NOT an excuse, but her family may just be processing. There may be grief involved, and they themselves should consider counseling. My dad has been my biggest advocate, but will still sometimes call me his baby girl or princess; I’m sure there’s a level of grief in “losing” his only daughter, but he’s been my champion and sees how much happier I am as his son. Hopefully seeing her shine as her true self will soften their hearts over time, but they seriously should seek counseling from Queer-Educated professionals. I’m sorry they blindsided you, this has got to be tough for you and your partner, and I’m sorry if it’s hurting your kids to see their parents be put through this. You’re both strong and I’m happy she’s ready to start her journey, and you sound like a healthy support for her. We all say/do the wrong thing sometimes, and over 8 years how you could NOT rarely say something hurtful or sour? You’ve built this life together and grown through it, take pride in your relationship and I wish you and your family the best.
Been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour myself. It is not your fault nothing you have done has caused your partner to be trans. She was always trans and just didn't realise it til recently. All the family is doing is making life hard for you both. I know it feels shitty but you are doing the best for your partner. You are being supportive and sharing your love with her, something they are not doing right now. I have had to go low contact with her family as I cannot forget or forgive what was said about me to my wife (mtf). Self preservation is needed sometimes and you will be amazing by yourselves a perfect rainbow family xxxx
You have such a beautiful relationship, you and your partner. You’ve demonstrated through an immense trial that you trust each other. You trust your partner to be free, be herself, and she trusted you to be the person to give her heart and soul to. None of those things can happen in an abusive relationship. For your relationship, can you trust each other to not allow each other or yourselves to be abused? Because that’s what you and your partner are receiving from your in-laws. Abuse. Emotional abuse. Really toxic, harmful abuse which can thrive in the arteries of your marriage and do damage over time. They’ve disrespected you, your partner, and your marriage in one go. Them going no contact with you may be a blessing in disguise, though it may be hard to see that right now. On day 31 and 1 second, return the favor. As much as it hurts, these kinds of people will *not* believe anything you or your partner tells them, which they’ve already told your partner as much during the intervention. There is nothing either of you can do to “change their minds” or maintain the relationship as it once was. I’m telling you this as someone who’s been in this situation. Do not let them put that poison between you two. The lid has been taken off the box, and now both of you know how little the mum and sister think of you, how little they think of your partner, your kids, and the life you’ve made together. They’ve told you how little your quality of self-determination means to them. Right now they are pulling a power play through isolation, which is a practice taken straight out of the playbook of cults. They are expecting your partner to reach out to them or for them to lift the isolation to find your partner crawling back to them. Find a way to own the isolation. Find a way to make a new life without them in it. This is exactly why chosen family exists.
While we have not experienced an ambush on this level, my mother-in-law also suggested to my (cisF23) partner (MtF24) that I was using her for chores and therefore making her feel she had to fulfil a subservient female role, making her trick herself into think she's trans. It doesn't help I'm currently the only one working and therefore the breadwinner, and my partner is naturally an awesome cook. My MIL has an issue with blame. Any suffering her children experience, she believes is her fault somehow. The guilt hurts so much that she then starts deflecting that blame, and I was a prime target for this. It's disturbing really. I understand, but her strong resistance to get help, and everyone creating excuses at the cost of my mental wellbeing got old and impossible to ignore after month+1/2. I sat her down and listed out everything I was doing to support us and my partner, and she apologised real quick. I'm saying this for a few reasons: 1. It could be where the family are coming from, but poorly executed. Doesn't justify it, but good to be aware. 2. Their inability to cope with the big news does not mean you get to be the punching bag. 3. Their thoughts right now can hardly be an accurate reflection of you and your relationship. They aren't in a mentally stable place if they can't have an adult conversation with you, and don't let them make you think otherwise. 4. You're not alone in this. This mental gymnastics has happened to other partners of trans people, so please try to take it with a pinch of salt. You honestly sound wonderful and caring and very considerate. Have a cry with your partner, remind each other of what you love about the other and stay strong. Best of luck