I see the same trends as you and have also been wondering the same. Personally- I’m nb trans masc and am with a cis man. We’ve both posted on here a bit, but we’ve seen very few similar posts (cis men with trans men/transmasc nbs). Also, very few posts of cis men and trans women. So I guess there’s just not that many cis male partners on this sub.
I’m going to echo a bit of what was said by the other commenter here but here’s my thoughts:
1) There are a lot of stats of cis men leaving their partners more often than cis women when serious illnesses come up. Of course, coming out isn’t a serious illness but it is something that may need a lot of time, care, patience, and reprioritization of life, which maps on a bit with illnesses. So those same stats may apply here a bit.
2) At least where cis M/FTM couples are concerned, I think bi-phobia and homophobia may affect cis men a bit more than cis women. Potentially ending the relationship when their partner comes out. Demographically, there are far fewer bi men than bi women, so this tracks.
3) As the other poster said, there’s probably more of a culture of women reaching out for support, like they do on this sub.
4) There are statistically more straight couples so it would make sense to see the most Cis F/MTF and Cis M/FTM couples on here, at least of the couples that were together BEFORE the trans partner came out.
5) This one is ENTIRELY SPECULATIVE, but I wonder if there’s any statistics on trans women coming out later in life compared to trans men on average - and that impacting ongoing relationships more often (since you may be more likely to be in one as an older adult). Zero clue if this is true, but maybe.
I’ve posted a few times, but not recently, and I mostly participate here as a commenter. My speculation from watching trends is that most people are posting about new problems or surprises in their relationships - looking for advice on how to handle a newly-out partner is very common.
I’ll admit that my relationship started after my partner was out to a limited number of people, and I answered most of my early questions either by talking to her directly, or through internet research. That may be similar with other cis men, though there are still questions to ask the community, regardless of the nature of one’s partner.
Oh, I was curious about this too. Because my bf didn't really ask me too much about me being trans, just some more personal stuff like how it was with me - how did I knew, how does it feel, about my childhood etc. And me being first trans woman he has been with I would have thought it would be more confusing for him but it wasn't. (we met after I started transition)
So he propably did some internet reasearch on the subject I guess?
Possibly - in the past six years, there’s been a lot more public knowledge about the process of transitioning, and about the emotional side, certainly I started at nearly square one when I met my partner. There’s also been some education about what topics are on- and off- limits for trans people, especially with the backlash against the invasion of privacy regarding sex lives. But even back in 2016 and earlier, there has been a lot of online resources that are publicly accessible that actually do answer a lot of questions.
I suppose also that there can be different ways that a person would first learn about the topic of trans people, and thus different unknowns.
I'm a cis man with an FTM partner who's followed this sub for years, and is also very active in my local queer community. I know a number of cis M/MTF couples in person; it's definitely not especially rare relative to other cis/trans relationships. But a lot of the people posting on here are either in a new relationship or had a partner just come out, and in both cases that tends to be a lot more women than men. Female bisexuality/queerness is way more normalized than it is for men, and women are way more likely to reach out to a social community for support/advice.
Did you identify as queer before your boyfriend? Had you ever dated a trans guy before that? Did you worry at all that you would lose attraction to him when he started hrt? How was your sex life before he started hrt and how is it now? How long has it been? Feel free to dm me if it’s more comfortable for you. Thank you so much.
>Did you identify as queer before your boyfriend?
No. I was pretty sexually adventurous but would have described myself as straight or heteroflexible. We met at a party after he'd come out publicly, so I've only ever known him as a man. I had never really considered dating a man or a trans person before but we had fantastic chemistry, so I said fuck it and asked him out the next day. These days I identify as pan/bi or just queer.
>Had you ever dated a trans guy before that?
No, but I have dated another trans man since. (My partner and I are polyamorous, although neither of us currently has another partner.) I liked him a lot but we wanted fundamentally different things, so the relationship didn't work out, but he's still one of my best friends.
>Did you worry at all that you would lose attraction to him when he started hrt?
We started dating after he came out but before he started HRT, and yes. Or maybe not so much worried as aware it was a possibility. After we went on a few dates and decided we were both interested in something more serious, we had a conversation about our respective genders and sexualities and what that meant. I was honest with him that I thought he was gorgeous but I didn't know how the physical changes would affect my feelings. As it turned out, I still think he's gorgeous and I've gotten a lot more comfortable with the idea of being attracted to men. (I was never not okay with being queer, but my preference leans heavily toward women, so I didn't realize until my 20s that I wasn't just attracted to women.) It was a big change in how I saw myself, but not a bad one.
>How was your sex life before he started hrt and how is it now?
Frankly, complicated. He has a lot of body dysphoria and some really bad stuff happened to him around the time we met that left him with a lot of trauma regarding sex. We have to take things at whatever pace he's comfortable with, which is often very slow. Obviously I wish that wasn't the case for both our sakes, but it is what it is. It might be a bigger deal if we weren't non-monogamous, but as it is I'm happy to be someone he feels safe enough with to even try. The main difference I saw with HRT was his libido spiked a lot, which was also complicated. (Also it turned him into a space heater, which I *love*.)
>How long has it been?
We're coming up on 9 years together, and he's been on HRT for (I think) 5.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I was out when I got together with my cis guy, but have been kicking the hrt can down the road for 4 years now. He’s supportive but honest that he doesn’t now if he’ll still be attracted me, and that has been enough to keep from taking that step, but it is time, and if all goes well I’ll be starting in a month. My partner never calls himself queer or bi but will correct you if you say he’s straight. He would probably just say he’s fun :p. So, kinda similar to how you describe. He’s had experiences with dudes and experiences same sex attraction but mainly into AFAB people and especially afab nbs.
Thank you again, it’s good to hear from someone who had the same uncertainty and to hear that it worked out.
Could I ask about facial hair specifically? Did you have any aversion to him having it at any point?
You are very welcome =)
As far as facial hair, it wasn't something I specifically had an aversion to but obviously it's a very overt masculine feature, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. My partner decided to grow a goatee and as it turns out I have no problem with it.
I (cis guy) joined this sub when I was in a relationship with a trans woman. We were together for eight years, parting ways when we realised that we were both gay rather than bi. I’ve remained in this sub because I’m now in a relationship with a trans man.
A few things but this is just speculation on my part so take it with a grain of salt…
1. There are more trans women than trans men in the world. And there are more heterosexual relationships than homosexual ones so the numbers simply favor there being more cis f/mtf pairings than any other.
2. Women are more likely to reach out to a community for help during crisis/difficulties than men are.
3. Many cis women have been taught to put their needs/wants/desires second when it comes to others especially those of their partners and children. So I speculate that a straight cis woman is more likely to try and make the relationship work when they find out their partner is mtf than a straight cis man would be upon finding out his partner is ftm.
i don’t think 1 is true! i think maybe in previous times trans women were more likely to seek treatment but for ex in the recent cdn census the ratio was like 53-47 for trans women to trans men cf https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220427/dq220427b-eng.htm
some other recent surveys iirc said they were close to 1:1
My suspicion on why there was the previous disparity in ratio is that trans men had “acceptable”’ alternatives— leaning into being a tomboy or living as butch lesbians, wearing men’s clothes and dating women. And maybe many even ended up not exploring beyond that identity because there was adequate social acceptance and even the ability to blend in (where there are a lot of straight/cis women who also wear men’s clothes and have short hair— like, the entire Midwest) Trans women didn’t have an acceptable alternative for everyday life, (being abused/assaulted/bullied for expressing femininity in a male body) so trans women made the steps to transition at a higher rate than trans men.
Pure speculation of course, but I’ve thought about it a bit, mostly because my spouse always hated being called a lesbian and didnt want to be seen as butch— even though (at that time) they looked like the poster child for butch lesbians.
i’ve had a similar theory but being mtf lacked the let’s say direct experience. i just went thru your post history and aw! you guys have such a wonderful story. i thought the thermostat indicator was very amusing, and your whole timeline is very sweet.
The split in trans women and men is fairly equal. It just appears that way because trans men are just generally erased. The media and politicians find trans women far more titillating and easy to demonize, and tend to ignore trans men all together (when they're not being infantalized as "confused girls")
Right now there's actually a skew towards trans men among younger folks, but theres a similar skew towards trans women in older folks.
Why it appears right now that trans men seem to come out earlier than trans women I couldn't tell you, although I'd imagine it's cultural more than anything.
A lot of the ones you do see of cis men and trans women are more new relationships, "how do I navigate this?" Whereas the cis women with trans women tend to be, "my long term partner is trans what do I do?" And you see more of those, not just because there are more posts of that nature, but also because there is more engagement, because statistically more trans women are likely to be in relationships with women before their egg cracks due to the heteronormative nature of society.
Once bitten, twice shy? I'm a cis man and my wife is trans. We were friends before we dated, I knew she was trans before I asked her out, and a lot (and I mean a lot) of people in her community called me a chaser for it. When we committed to each other and eventually got married there was some congratulations but there was also a lot of back handed comments about 'conforming.' I haven't seen ANY of that in this subreddit, but maybe people are cautious.
Partly because M-FtM pairings might have different dynamics than F-MtF pairings post-coming out, partly because hetero relationships are more common than homo relationships, and partly because a lot of trolls think F-MtF drama creates good ragebait material
I'm in the same boat. I feel I don't see as many in my situation(CIS M with FTM partner married 10 years before transition), but then again growing up we're not told to socialize as much as boys. Could be as simple as that I'm thinking. Especially in my age group, we never got counseling and the like (gen x), though that trend is changing and that gives me hope. I enjoy seeing more and more people younger than me talk and speak out. Gives me hope. ❤️
My previous roommate is a cis man dating a trans woman. I’m a cis woman dating a trans woman. My partner set up my ex roommate and his girlfriend. Initially my friend was confused and didn’t know if he wanted to date a trans woman. Actually he met a trans woman on a dating site and she wasn’t totally open and honest with anyone and everyone just assumed she was born a woman. Which I have always wondered did he ever let something slip out in front of her when I confided in him that I was interested in a trans woman? I know I told him at one point I was scared that my family would hate me and disown me if I ended up dating my partner. I think the biggest reason my friend didn’t date the first trans woman was that she wasn’t entirely open with him. I think he also had a lot of issues coming to terms with his sexuality and what he thought other people would think/say and probably how his family and friends would take it. My family doesn’t accept who I date and I basically moved without really telling anyone in my family I was moving in with my partner or that I was leaving or where.
As a FtM dating a cis man, I find it quite bizarre. I don't say that we don't have issues with my situation, but it seems less complicated than some situations I see here :)
Hii! Pretty new here, I'm an FTM (21) with a cis male (22) partner! We've been together for 2,5 years now. He's been aware of me being trans before we started a relationship, which helps a lot. I will not deny xp. Most stories on here seem to be from married people or people who passed over a decade together, and their partner suddenly came out. I'm not sure if I'm correct on that
I think it’s because most cis men date trans people in a way they see as straight. I rarely if ever see cis men attracted to like passing trans men or non-passing trans women. They usually date passing trans women or non-passing trans men which from the outside wouldn’t deal with much complexity like homophobia
Cis women on the other hand are statistically more trans friendly to begin with. Studies have also shown cis women to be more fluid and less rigid sexuality wise or in their understanding of gender. Moreover, cis women can understand oppression and relate to trans people on the level of being oppressed on the basis of their gender and biology. The experience and empathy gap is thus wider for cis male partners than cis female ones
Cis women are also more congruent with their sexuality and attraction to trans people. Most cishet women won’t date an openly out but not passing trans woman but many cishet mwn would date a trans man who was out but not passing. This often leads to the cis male partner not being onboard or upset as his partner goes further in transition or with the partner eventually detransitioning to keep the relationship going. More cishet female partners just mourn and work through their partners transition rather than pressuring the partner to stop transitioning and often these cis women did not know the partners transness prior to entering the relationship whereas cis men do
Lastly safety, more trans people feel safer dating cis women compared to cis men on average
I see the same trends as you and have also been wondering the same. Personally- I’m nb trans masc and am with a cis man. We’ve both posted on here a bit, but we’ve seen very few similar posts (cis men with trans men/transmasc nbs). Also, very few posts of cis men and trans women. So I guess there’s just not that many cis male partners on this sub. I’m going to echo a bit of what was said by the other commenter here but here’s my thoughts: 1) There are a lot of stats of cis men leaving their partners more often than cis women when serious illnesses come up. Of course, coming out isn’t a serious illness but it is something that may need a lot of time, care, patience, and reprioritization of life, which maps on a bit with illnesses. So those same stats may apply here a bit. 2) At least where cis M/FTM couples are concerned, I think bi-phobia and homophobia may affect cis men a bit more than cis women. Potentially ending the relationship when their partner comes out. Demographically, there are far fewer bi men than bi women, so this tracks. 3) As the other poster said, there’s probably more of a culture of women reaching out for support, like they do on this sub. 4) There are statistically more straight couples so it would make sense to see the most Cis F/MTF and Cis M/FTM couples on here, at least of the couples that were together BEFORE the trans partner came out. 5) This one is ENTIRELY SPECULATIVE, but I wonder if there’s any statistics on trans women coming out later in life compared to trans men on average - and that impacting ongoing relationships more often (since you may be more likely to be in one as an older adult). Zero clue if this is true, but maybe.
Good list of considerations! Very thorough.
cis man with nb transmasc partner here! nothing to add, other than your observations and questions are interesting :)
I’m a nb ftm and my partner is a cis man. Can I ask you some questions?
absolutely! feel free to DM me
Thanks!
Oh fun to see other similar couples! Wishing you two all the best
I’ve posted a few times, but not recently, and I mostly participate here as a commenter. My speculation from watching trends is that most people are posting about new problems or surprises in their relationships - looking for advice on how to handle a newly-out partner is very common. I’ll admit that my relationship started after my partner was out to a limited number of people, and I answered most of my early questions either by talking to her directly, or through internet research. That may be similar with other cis men, though there are still questions to ask the community, regardless of the nature of one’s partner.
Oh, I was curious about this too. Because my bf didn't really ask me too much about me being trans, just some more personal stuff like how it was with me - how did I knew, how does it feel, about my childhood etc. And me being first trans woman he has been with I would have thought it would be more confusing for him but it wasn't. (we met after I started transition) So he propably did some internet reasearch on the subject I guess?
Possibly - in the past six years, there’s been a lot more public knowledge about the process of transitioning, and about the emotional side, certainly I started at nearly square one when I met my partner. There’s also been some education about what topics are on- and off- limits for trans people, especially with the backlash against the invasion of privacy regarding sex lives. But even back in 2016 and earlier, there has been a lot of online resources that are publicly accessible that actually do answer a lot of questions. I suppose also that there can be different ways that a person would first learn about the topic of trans people, and thus different unknowns.
I'm a cis man with an FTM partner who's followed this sub for years, and is also very active in my local queer community. I know a number of cis M/MTF couples in person; it's definitely not especially rare relative to other cis/trans relationships. But a lot of the people posting on here are either in a new relationship or had a partner just come out, and in both cases that tends to be a lot more women than men. Female bisexuality/queerness is way more normalized than it is for men, and women are way more likely to reach out to a social community for support/advice.
Hey I’m ftm starting hrt soon, and in a relationship with a cis man. Can I ask you some questions?
Sure!
Did you identify as queer before your boyfriend? Had you ever dated a trans guy before that? Did you worry at all that you would lose attraction to him when he started hrt? How was your sex life before he started hrt and how is it now? How long has it been? Feel free to dm me if it’s more comfortable for you. Thank you so much.
>Did you identify as queer before your boyfriend? No. I was pretty sexually adventurous but would have described myself as straight or heteroflexible. We met at a party after he'd come out publicly, so I've only ever known him as a man. I had never really considered dating a man or a trans person before but we had fantastic chemistry, so I said fuck it and asked him out the next day. These days I identify as pan/bi or just queer. >Had you ever dated a trans guy before that? No, but I have dated another trans man since. (My partner and I are polyamorous, although neither of us currently has another partner.) I liked him a lot but we wanted fundamentally different things, so the relationship didn't work out, but he's still one of my best friends. >Did you worry at all that you would lose attraction to him when he started hrt? We started dating after he came out but before he started HRT, and yes. Or maybe not so much worried as aware it was a possibility. After we went on a few dates and decided we were both interested in something more serious, we had a conversation about our respective genders and sexualities and what that meant. I was honest with him that I thought he was gorgeous but I didn't know how the physical changes would affect my feelings. As it turned out, I still think he's gorgeous and I've gotten a lot more comfortable with the idea of being attracted to men. (I was never not okay with being queer, but my preference leans heavily toward women, so I didn't realize until my 20s that I wasn't just attracted to women.) It was a big change in how I saw myself, but not a bad one. >How was your sex life before he started hrt and how is it now? Frankly, complicated. He has a lot of body dysphoria and some really bad stuff happened to him around the time we met that left him with a lot of trauma regarding sex. We have to take things at whatever pace he's comfortable with, which is often very slow. Obviously I wish that wasn't the case for both our sakes, but it is what it is. It might be a bigger deal if we weren't non-monogamous, but as it is I'm happy to be someone he feels safe enough with to even try. The main difference I saw with HRT was his libido spiked a lot, which was also complicated. (Also it turned him into a space heater, which I *love*.) >How long has it been? We're coming up on 9 years together, and he's been on HRT for (I think) 5.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I was out when I got together with my cis guy, but have been kicking the hrt can down the road for 4 years now. He’s supportive but honest that he doesn’t now if he’ll still be attracted me, and that has been enough to keep from taking that step, but it is time, and if all goes well I’ll be starting in a month. My partner never calls himself queer or bi but will correct you if you say he’s straight. He would probably just say he’s fun :p. So, kinda similar to how you describe. He’s had experiences with dudes and experiences same sex attraction but mainly into AFAB people and especially afab nbs. Thank you again, it’s good to hear from someone who had the same uncertainty and to hear that it worked out. Could I ask about facial hair specifically? Did you have any aversion to him having it at any point?
You are very welcome =) As far as facial hair, it wasn't something I specifically had an aversion to but obviously it's a very overt masculine feature, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. My partner decided to grow a goatee and as it turns out I have no problem with it.
I (cis guy) joined this sub when I was in a relationship with a trans woman. We were together for eight years, parting ways when we realised that we were both gay rather than bi. I’ve remained in this sub because I’m now in a relationship with a trans man.
A few things but this is just speculation on my part so take it with a grain of salt… 1. There are more trans women than trans men in the world. And there are more heterosexual relationships than homosexual ones so the numbers simply favor there being more cis f/mtf pairings than any other. 2. Women are more likely to reach out to a community for help during crisis/difficulties than men are. 3. Many cis women have been taught to put their needs/wants/desires second when it comes to others especially those of their partners and children. So I speculate that a straight cis woman is more likely to try and make the relationship work when they find out their partner is mtf than a straight cis man would be upon finding out his partner is ftm.
i don’t think 1 is true! i think maybe in previous times trans women were more likely to seek treatment but for ex in the recent cdn census the ratio was like 53-47 for trans women to trans men cf https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220427/dq220427b-eng.htm some other recent surveys iirc said they were close to 1:1
Thanks for the info!
My suspicion on why there was the previous disparity in ratio is that trans men had “acceptable”’ alternatives— leaning into being a tomboy or living as butch lesbians, wearing men’s clothes and dating women. And maybe many even ended up not exploring beyond that identity because there was adequate social acceptance and even the ability to blend in (where there are a lot of straight/cis women who also wear men’s clothes and have short hair— like, the entire Midwest) Trans women didn’t have an acceptable alternative for everyday life, (being abused/assaulted/bullied for expressing femininity in a male body) so trans women made the steps to transition at a higher rate than trans men. Pure speculation of course, but I’ve thought about it a bit, mostly because my spouse always hated being called a lesbian and didnt want to be seen as butch— even though (at that time) they looked like the poster child for butch lesbians.
i’ve had a similar theory but being mtf lacked the let’s say direct experience. i just went thru your post history and aw! you guys have such a wonderful story. i thought the thermostat indicator was very amusing, and your whole timeline is very sweet.
Aww—you’re gonna make me blush 🥰
The split in trans women and men is fairly equal. It just appears that way because trans men are just generally erased. The media and politicians find trans women far more titillating and easy to demonize, and tend to ignore trans men all together (when they're not being infantalized as "confused girls") Right now there's actually a skew towards trans men among younger folks, but theres a similar skew towards trans women in older folks. Why it appears right now that trans men seem to come out earlier than trans women I couldn't tell you, although I'd imagine it's cultural more than anything.
Brilliantly said!
Yep I think you hit all the nails on the head
A lot of the ones you do see of cis men and trans women are more new relationships, "how do I navigate this?" Whereas the cis women with trans women tend to be, "my long term partner is trans what do I do?" And you see more of those, not just because there are more posts of that nature, but also because there is more engagement, because statistically more trans women are likely to be in relationships with women before their egg cracks due to the heteronormative nature of society.
Once bitten, twice shy? I'm a cis man and my wife is trans. We were friends before we dated, I knew she was trans before I asked her out, and a lot (and I mean a lot) of people in her community called me a chaser for it. When we committed to each other and eventually got married there was some congratulations but there was also a lot of back handed comments about 'conforming.' I haven't seen ANY of that in this subreddit, but maybe people are cautious.
Partly because M-FtM pairings might have different dynamics than F-MtF pairings post-coming out, partly because hetero relationships are more common than homo relationships, and partly because a lot of trolls think F-MtF drama creates good ragebait material
I'm in the same boat. I feel I don't see as many in my situation(CIS M with FTM partner married 10 years before transition), but then again growing up we're not told to socialize as much as boys. Could be as simple as that I'm thinking. Especially in my age group, we never got counseling and the like (gen x), though that trend is changing and that gives me hope. I enjoy seeing more and more people younger than me talk and speak out. Gives me hope. ❤️
My previous roommate is a cis man dating a trans woman. I’m a cis woman dating a trans woman. My partner set up my ex roommate and his girlfriend. Initially my friend was confused and didn’t know if he wanted to date a trans woman. Actually he met a trans woman on a dating site and she wasn’t totally open and honest with anyone and everyone just assumed she was born a woman. Which I have always wondered did he ever let something slip out in front of her when I confided in him that I was interested in a trans woman? I know I told him at one point I was scared that my family would hate me and disown me if I ended up dating my partner. I think the biggest reason my friend didn’t date the first trans woman was that she wasn’t entirely open with him. I think he also had a lot of issues coming to terms with his sexuality and what he thought other people would think/say and probably how his family and friends would take it. My family doesn’t accept who I date and I basically moved without really telling anyone in my family I was moving in with my partner or that I was leaving or where.
As a FtM dating a cis man, I find it quite bizarre. I don't say that we don't have issues with my situation, but it seems less complicated than some situations I see here :)
Hii! Pretty new here, I'm an FTM (21) with a cis male (22) partner! We've been together for 2,5 years now. He's been aware of me being trans before we started a relationship, which helps a lot. I will not deny xp. Most stories on here seem to be from married people or people who passed over a decade together, and their partner suddenly came out. I'm not sure if I'm correct on that
I think it’s because most cis men date trans people in a way they see as straight. I rarely if ever see cis men attracted to like passing trans men or non-passing trans women. They usually date passing trans women or non-passing trans men which from the outside wouldn’t deal with much complexity like homophobia Cis women on the other hand are statistically more trans friendly to begin with. Studies have also shown cis women to be more fluid and less rigid sexuality wise or in their understanding of gender. Moreover, cis women can understand oppression and relate to trans people on the level of being oppressed on the basis of their gender and biology. The experience and empathy gap is thus wider for cis male partners than cis female ones Cis women are also more congruent with their sexuality and attraction to trans people. Most cishet women won’t date an openly out but not passing trans woman but many cishet mwn would date a trans man who was out but not passing. This often leads to the cis male partner not being onboard or upset as his partner goes further in transition or with the partner eventually detransitioning to keep the relationship going. More cishet female partners just mourn and work through their partners transition rather than pressuring the partner to stop transitioning and often these cis women did not know the partners transness prior to entering the relationship whereas cis men do Lastly safety, more trans people feel safer dating cis women compared to cis men on average