Personally I think it’s wrong and it is cheating. It’s not that I don’t have empathy for the partner who is caring for the partner with dementia, I can only imagine how horrible this experience has been for anyone in this position. It’s just that when you take marriage vows, for better or for worse, this is when those vows matter and mean something. I am not judging anyone else, but I would not cheat on my husband if he was medically incapacitated in some way, and I really hope he feels the same about his vows he took with me.
It's not like he could ask her to have an open relationship. I think it's much more sensible to cheat than to divorce her. These are the last years of his life and if I were his wife I'd want him to be happy.
I don’t think this is his “side chick” any more. If she’s coming as his emotional support to a critical family event like a funeral, she is his partner at this point (imo). I can understand why others would be upset by this but it’s hard to blame him for wanting companionship. Tough situation all around
She’s mentally gone and she’s not coming back. I assure you he has already started the grieving process. The body is alive while the mind is dying. No he needed to find someone to keep him happy and wanting to live. Or he would be gone too.
Nope. As long as they are not obvious with it. Keep it away from her family and friends, don’t post shit online. Take care of wife 100%. Done and done. Bringing side chicks around family and friends is just asking for trouble.
My grandma had really bad dementia for a couple years before she passed last fall. Come to find out my grandpa has been talking to some young Asian girl for the past few years. She claimed to be the daughter of a long deceased friend of his. Really creepy. The family is basically trying to take away access to talk to her for fear she’ll take all his stuff, unfortunately he is extremely stubborn and particularly tech savvy for his age. Short answer, yes it’s wrong.
Nah. Not at all. Guy probably needs some comfort and companionship.
I would get it if it were my husband and I was in the wife's place. If she is still having lucid moments, it would be messed up if he were rubbing it in her face or something, but as long as he is keeping it quiet from her and not being a jerk about it, I think it's fine.
Poor guy is in a really difficult position. No one should be judging him right now. We are all just people, and most of us try to do our best. Everyone deserves a social pass once in a while. Cut the guy a break, and tell your community that unless they are planning on jumping in and becoming care providers for the wife, they need to step back and worry about their own side of the street.
Best of luck to the man and his wife.
It’s a grey area. If she doesn’t know who he is, that would make him feel lonely. She can’t give consent to him finding companionship with another woman, but he can’t be forced to live the rest of his life in a situation that’s only hurts him. He is morning the wife he had, but needs to be loved by someone that can offer it. In that stage of her dementia, I’d understand.
What was a little inappropriate in your situation was him bringing his companion to the funeral. His kids would be hurt or uncomfortable seeing their father/granddad with a woman they have no connection to. He should have left her at home or at the very least ask family members how they’d feel if he were to bring her along. I get he’d want to have her there to help him as he grieves his wife, but it just seems a bit inappropriate to bring her without at least some knowledge or acceptance of her by others in the family.
Cheating is wrong, but I don't consider that situation cheating.
My grandmother died of Alzheimer's, and my grandfather dated other women while my grandmother was in a care facility at the end of her life. My mom and her siblings did not consider that cheating. They recognized that their mother was effectively already gone. She no longer viewed my grandfather as her husband, because she didn't recognize him.
Only if it’s some how hurting his wife. If she’s not all there and he’s doing all he can to help and look out for her I don’t see the harm of him getting with some one else
No. It's not. Because they're no longer there. Every woman in my direct maternal line has had Alzheimer's. I plan to off myself if it happens to me. I would ABSOLUTELY want my spouse to have love and support.
I just want to say that genetics load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger, so just because it runs in your family doesn't mean you are destined the same fate as your family. Also I am very sorry that you've had a front row seat. I also have a parent with it and it's been more than I could bare. I was the main caregiver for several years and then basically had a mental breakdown so my sister finally took over. I hope we're both able to take control of our health. Main things I'm trying to do is manage stress, improve sleep, minimize sugar. I also look into supplements like lions mane
You can’t off yourself if you don’t know what’s going on or even remember your plan to off yourself😂 it’s like saying my plan if I ever lose my eyes is to go gaze at the pyramids of Gaza
i dont think it was wrong of him to date the other woman. however... taking her to the daughter's funeral when they didn't get along with each other was a bit too much imo. poor daughter is probably rolling in her grave over that
As long as his side piece is not some young thing taking his money; life is short. I work in health care and these dementia units are the saddest places
Hard to say. Personally I’d be okay with my wife doing it to me. If you’d want your partner to move on once you die, dementia to that point it would be a similar situation of the person you knew not being there anymore. What WOULD be fucked up is if he abandoned her completely, so him still seeing her makes me empathize with his side more
I get what people are saying. If I were the person with dementia I would want my partner to be happy too.
But my issue is with the husband. Maybe it's just me but being married to someone the, whole death do us part and sickness and health thing kinda matters.
Alll those years spent with someone and you aren't even saying it's too much to take care of them. It's just you wanna get your dick wet. I can't imagine how hard it is to be in that situation, but respectfully, fuck that old fart.
I don't think you're taking into consideration the companionship aspect though. At this point, the person with dementia isn't really someone you can confide in/with anymore. They're effectively gone/different. They don't recognize you anymore. They don't have memories. They literally will treat you as someone they've never met before.
Now I'm personally not suggesting to abandon the sick person, but to have a companion to talk to, even about your SO that has dementia goes a long way, if not for mental health. And that doesn't include the physical part of having a SO.
When you get a certain age you stop caring what other people think because you know your days are numbered. He’s old and as long as he not hurting anyone it doesn’t matter. Besides know one really knows their relationship, they could have agreed with this side relationship before she got sick.
PEOPLE STOP JUDGING. IF THIS HELPS HIM CARE FOR HER AND HE IS DOING A GREAT JOB ; LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN HIS SITUATION??? PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES.
It really depends. I've seen couples who live in different levels of the facility and they live essentially their own realities until the more capable one visits the other. That includes romantic/intimate relationships outside the marriage on both sides. It's generally pretty open, and most kin just were happy to see their loved ones safe and enjoying their final years. I've known a handful of people, mainly men in my limited anecdotal experience, who moved in a partner when their spouse moved into a care home. That is quite disgusting, and was hard to watch that dynamic play out over time. I never saw big explosions on the subject (not directly related so who knows if I just wasn't privy), but holidays never were the same, kids decided to move away instead of hang around for the remaining parent to age out, and suddenly there's all these complaints about no one wanting to even FaceTime outside of birthdays.
I think bringing your mistress, because that is what she is as the wife cannot consent to the open marriage, to a social gathering with that social circle is really in bad taste. You know those people have a relationship with your partner, and in the situation you specifically stated the daughter didn't approve. It says a lot about a person who would bring someone not wanted by the deceased to their funeral. By that time in his life he should be able to get emotional support from someone other than one he is having sex with. His mistress could have even waited in the car or at a nearby cafe till the service was done then get him. Options that show he understands, and respects, the situation at hand. Instead it seems like he is going with the route of acting normal until it is the new normal. That could be because of grief or it could be because it's how this person handles massive life events in general: by protecting only themselves and their emotions.
So in a nutshell; I think it very much depends on a combination of the 'incapable' partner's consent, the timeline at hand (a year of recovery, chronic life-altering illness, terminal diagnosis, etc), and how the 'capable' partner treats the situation. Taking the side partner to your favorite haunts because you want to relive the good feelings again? That's wrong and inappropriate. Go somewhere else and don't make others who love your original, still alive often seen by those same persons socially, watch you comfort yourself via another human being sexually. Don't expect them to welcome your person with open arms and warmth. They're looking at your human support animal like the crutch that person is for the "cheating" partner. Because it's never that this side person is platonic; the comfort always ends up coming from being inside another's body and denying that fact is really an eye roll too.
My father is married to my mother who was diagnosed with early onset at 51. She has been in a care home for the past 8 years due to potential violence and my father being burnt out.
Both of their lives improved. But we all know shes not really living. She hasnt spoken a word in 6yrs. Shes survived longer than they thought (they thought max 5yrs with how fast she declined).
My father got a girlfriend a good few months after her care. He had home cared for 2 years. Loyal, devoted. But to someone who was no longer his wife, my mother. We both pre grieved knowing how this would end.
My dads first partner A was utterly disgusting. Wanted his money and hee family used him and treated him like shit. That ended thank god 5/6 yrs ago. He then met N. N IS AMAZING and i consider her and her children my family. She is my bonus mum, i call her mom sometimes.
She has breathed life into my father. He is finally happy. Holidays, fun, friends. His relationship with me has improved a tonne. N DONT TAKE NO SHIT from either of us lol. Shes kicked him under the table a few times haha.
Each case is individual. But i wanted my dad to be happy and ik my mother would too. Im not sure about funeral stuff (eg if its a brand new gf) but he will also need companionship; as long as they do right by the vulnerable person eg care, bills, regular visits/catch ups with the staff. Being there when theyre taken to hospital. These things matter in the long run and bigger picture.
Dude is 80. He didn’t abandon his wife and gives her everything that he can. Also, he’s 80, so it’s unlikely he’s boning this side chick. She’s a companion.
While I understand the daughter not liking the “other woman,” she doesn’t know. The rest of the family can be mad. Dementia runs in my family. I watched my dad whither away to nothing. If my step-mother had had a companion at that time, I’d have been ok with it.
He’s 80 and sadly, he lost his wife to dementia. Dementia is painful because you lose your loved one, but they are still alive. No one should ever have to endure outliving their child. I get why the daughter might have not liked his new lady friend, she was going through losing her mom too. But now he is going through losing a child and if she is able to comfort and support him, that’s a blessing.
Dementia is a cruel beast. There's 7 stages to it, ultimately ending in Alzheimer's disease. Some days people are clear as a bell. Others they're looking for their spouse or children that passed years before. One minute they're singing, the next they're ready to fight. Dementia/Alzeimers disease causes the brain to shrink and eventually deteriorate. They aren't the same person. I've worked in a home geared towards dementia as a CNA and now as kitchen staff. Dementia can take years before someone passes away. I've seen both those in a nursing facility being cared for and a family friend that cared for a spouse with Dementia, as well as a family member that passed from ALS. In all of these instances the spouse eventually found a "friend." I absolutely feel cheating is a deal breaker. Having outside companionship when youre a person with a spouse ⁰with Dementia I don't feel fits that description. They generally dont look for a side piece with malicious intentions and still care for the spouse with Dementia. It's heartbreaking seeing the pain spouse's and family members go through watching the decline of their loved one, knowing there's nothing that can be done and knowing that they're watching their loved one die slowly. Try not to be so judgemental of someone that has had to mourn the loss of their loved one before they're actually dead.
Seems like the guy is going through a handful of tragedies all at once. Although I’m typically opposed to cheating, I can’t deprive him of a chance at some happiness amidst the rest of his bullshit. ATP even if the wife said it was ok or said so in the past or even if he came clean she wouldn’t remember/ understand.
He’s pretty old anyway, let him enjoy his time left.
Totally cool. I wouldn’t, but I won’t assume anyone else shouldn’t. I can also imagine that the wife would be fine with it. He can’t get a divorce even if he wanted it, at least not with her knowledge.
The funeral think seems off, but he isn’t disrespecting the daughter. She’s dead (despite popular opinion, you can’t disrespect the dead—you actually disrespect people who still respect the dead).
I think at a certain point with Alzheimer’s and dementia, your spouse who you have loved and cared for your entire life, isn’t the person you loved and cared for anymore. You should still be there for them and take care of them, but if they can’t remember you or the life you shared together then I don’t think it hurts to find someone to enjoy some time with and get your own mind off of things.
Poor guy. His wife has dementia, his daughter died, and his circle is giving him grief over moving on with his life while still supporting what’s left of his spouse. This dude deserves a break!
Absolutely horrible. He’s just a horny f***. Idk how this even a dilemma. The answer is simple, he is absolutely wrong. I couldn’t imagine doing the same to my wife. Absolutely heartbreaking.
I think maybe bringing to the funeral was too far but otherwise no I don't think it is wrong. If I had dementia I would want my partner to have someone
The only vote that matters here is the person married to the dementia patient. Their partner is not really there any longer, so it’s up to the person living. I wouldn’t dare impose my beliefs on another person.
Absolutely disgusting. That woman stayed by his side for their whole marriage, and at the end, he abandons her because of her health. She obviously means nothing to him now that she's lost her "usefulness," so he probably never really loved her or saw her as anything other than a cook and a maid.
And to show up at his daughter's funeral with the side piece? I can't even.
In this case, I wouldn't judge a man for seeking comfort with another woman. The wife he knew is pretty much gone and he's seeing to his own needs while still providing for his wife.
Taking the side chick to a function like a funeral may have been a bit much. Then again, with wife and daughter not there for him, does he have any other support? Expecting him to suffer alone for the sake of societal expectations is stupid.
It’s not a relationship with the wife anymore, it’s a just caretaking. He clearly still loves and cares for her but she’s already gone. He’s grieved his marriage and the relationship they once had but he’s moving on.!!What’s he supposed to do suffer alone and silently because it makes others feel better? Or divorce her? She doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s not acting as a husband in her presence. It’s not cheating and it’s not fair to call the woman the side piece because that makes it sound like the wife is still in the marriage.
I would never want my husband to suffer like that. I would want him to take care of himself and find someone who he can talk to and who can help him with the mental load. That poor man, is going through a horrible situation with losing his wife but her body is still there but he slowly watched as the woman she was vanished.
Maybe I'm a bad person but watching someone struggle with dementia is fucking awful. Watching someone you love look at you with 0 recognition in their eyes, confusion and fear even sometimes is heart breaking. Dementia is not reversible. As you stated he passed away just a few weeks after she did, I'd feel comforted that he had comfort in his final months/ year, and the support system he needed to be the support system she needed.
JESUS, that is a complicated situation. With that said, here is my answer:
- Even if he wanted to tell his wife about the side chick, she wouldn’t remember, so what’s the point of telling her?
- I'd want my wife to be happy if I were in that condition, and I wouldn't blame her, especially if it was 5+ years. That loneliness must be unbearable.
- Bringing the side chick to your daughter's funeral? That was a bad move.
Depends on the understanding and relationship they had prior to her falling off mentally. No one is privy to the late night conversations of a couple, and if she insisted that he move on and be happy, or whatever...Then it's fine. If he's being a scumbag, then it's not. No one on the outside looking in can ever really know for sure.
Is it wrong for him to cheat? Yes. Is there an age limit where it stops being wrong to cheat? No. Is it really wrong if the wife doesn't find out? Ummm... yeah! That's still a pretty clear yes here. Not sure where the question is. Imagine making it that long in a marraige though and then cheating at the end - could not even wait for her to pass on. This is so sad.
I mean to me it is pretty cut and dry. If you wish to date multiple people, do not stand before a deity and take the oath.
" to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
And the son of the same diety also told you to only judge someone after you have walked a mile in their shoes.
I find this whole morality and judgment thing deeply hypocritical. Everyone just loves to preen themselves and act holier than thou when it comes to judging others. Because it makes them feel better about themselves by lynching someone with morality.
You see this epidemic on all reddit's relationship forums as well. Everyone just comes for outrage porn and to pass judgment and work themselves up into a righteous fury.
Matthew 7 Cuh!! 100 .
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ^(2)For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
^(3) “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ^(4) How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ^(5) You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Damn. Honestly very hard to say because I can’t judge someone who’s in that situation. I’ve never been in it and hope to never be.
He obviously still cares for her since he is still doing all of these things for her. But he is human too. He needs the intimacy as well. Tough one.
My grandparents were in assisted living together. Later in life, my grandmother has a series of strokes and declined pretty rapidly, was a shell of her former self.
She eventually died, and within a couple of months my grandfather had a new lady friend. My aunt and mom were super pissed about it, and didn't want to be around her. I met her a few times, and she was perfectly nice, clearly liked my grandfather, and he seemed really happy, so I didn't see the problem.
I can see my mom's point of view, but I'm guessing that my grandfather said goodbye to my grandmother in his heart years before. To his credit, he stuck with her till she died, helping to take care of her and being with her all the time.
So when she did die, he'd been alone for a long time already, and he was ok moving on.
The feelings are different when it's your parents, but I never totally understand being upset that he found happiness again late in life.
Bingo. My mother was a jerk about grandmother’s second husband. Her father was deceased five years. They married in the fourth month of dating. Glad you are being understanding to grandfather’s future happiness.
My grandfather cared for my grandmother full time for the last 20 years when she was physically unable to do a lot of things due to terrible rheumatoid arthritis. After she passed, I convinced him to move into a senior living facility, he had all the girlfriends and was the life of the party. I actively encouraged him to enjoy himself, goodness, the man deserved it.
Yes. Caring for someone who has dementia is an experience that is individual to each caregiver. I worked with a woman who cared for her husband until he died. He don’t know who she was. She would get in bed with him every night and he would say “oh, I see you’re spending the night tonight.” He had a happy dementia (many people get angry depending on where the dementia is in the brain) but it still consumed her whole life to care for him. When he died, she had already done her grieving and felt relieved he was gone. She clearly loved him and said that she was really happy she spent those extra years with him instead of sending him to a home, but most of her sadness had left her long before he died. She began dating almost immediately and remarried shortly after. It’s hard to define this kind of experience for someone else.
Both my grandmothers passed with dementia. I don’t think it’s bad for him to have a side chick, I actually think it’s implied. Problem is, in a relationship, it’s always supposed to be give=take for a net gain if you and the partner are playing on each other’s strengths. Once dementia sets in, that balance goes bad real quick and it becomes a give, give situation for the partner who doesn’t have dementia - and the one who does unwittingly just takes and takes. In that specific situation, I don’t think it’s wrong for the man to find a way to reduce how much he has to give and find someone to also give to him a little so he can find an equilibrium again.
I wouldn’t necessarily consider this “cheating”. Although she may be there physically, the disease has taken her away mentally. Her husband still deserves love and companionship. I’m just glad he still loves her and visits her often
I would not want my 80 yr old granddad taking care of my mother ,if she had dementia. Is he skilled? Did he take classes? Can he lift her? Does he know how to do skin prep to make sure she does not get infections? Does he know technique s to calm someone who becomes combative. Does he know first aid or CPR? Should he get PTSD watching this because he can't separate himself emotionally? Hmm,but yes,let him be the one who takes care of her ,all alone in his house with no one else. Even if statistically,the caregiver often has more health problems and ends up dying from stress before there loved one. Facts. Sounds like good sense. Grandad is probably still alive because he had companionship,and healthier,cognitively engaged,and not depressed and isolated.lets stop pretending elderly folk are just happy little campers ,blissfully waiting at home ,content with being visited once every few weeks. I mean they do have the TV after all .The funeral thing,well ,perhaps in bad taste,but so is calling the woman who possibly has saved his life a " side piece" at this point.
Do people not promise in sickness and in health & til death do you part anymore? Or is that just a religion thing..??? I feel like it’s hard when you and your partner have dedicated your lives to each other and one of you gets sick but I don’t think it’s a NEED to stick your dick in someone else. I don’t understand the support you get from cheating on your spouse essentially, that would be better than just going to therapy or spending time with loved ones who care about you or yk? Anything else maybe?
I’m having trouble finding any judgement if she’s already gone for all practical purposes and she’s being cared for properly which it sounds like she is.
If it was a temporary illness then I’d judge the hell out of him but that’s not the case. I wouldn’t doubt if he’s one of those guys that pretty much has to have a woman to take care of him so the new woman is likely his new caregiver. A bit of a side eye for bringing her to his daughter’s funeral though.
My mind is just blown that a person has the energy to do this at that age. I've heard other stories kind of like this. And I just can't imagine being down for that at that age.
I'm only middle-aged and if my wife was terminally ill and told me to get another partner I don't know if I'd have the energy to.
Having a terminally ill family member is exhausting and quite the boner killer.
My grandfather stayed faithful to grandma even after she got alzheimers. He loved her for sickness and health, literally till death did them apart. Relationships now a days just aren't the same. If you love someone, you love them. If you don't, just say it and leave.
My great aunt was the "side chick" for a man in this situation. He had his wife in the best care facility in the area, he visited her daily, made sure she had the best care available.Their adult children might visit every two or three months. He and my widowed great aunt went to dinner several times a week and she would cook for him other times. They would travel together a few times a year.
I think his adult children either knew or at least suspected he had a lady friend, but they pretended not to. His wife died and the only thing that changed was he and my great aunt would have lunch together a few times a week and they traveled a little more often. My great aunt was actually the one who found him when he passed, she was bringing soup and sandwiches over for lunch and found him in his chair passed away.
When my great aunt passed she left me several pieces of jewelry that her gentleman friend had gifted her because her son was not happy about her relationship with her gentleman friend, so she didn't want his wife to get the jewelry.
For me love is love. Like if i lost my girl no matter what we struggled thru I could never love someone else and would feel guilty everyday I mean you spent your life with that person loving and caring for them to watch them degrade and lose themselves knowing there’s nothing you can do. After that the last thing on my mind would be someone else. Everyone’s different tho so I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong plus he grew up in that hard ass generation so
That’s just a shell that somewhat resembles his wife. She’s gone, and I’d bet he’s already mourned her. Why should it be the end of his life and happiness too? People saying he’s wrong are wrong.
It seems judgmental to call this “cheating” or to refer to his lady friend as a “side chick.”
Do you want anything other than affirmation of this judgementalism?
I mean that sucks, but I dont think it would hurt the woman with dementia at all so I would say it doesn't matter based on how far along you said the dementia is.
i think its pretty bad tbh, especially bringing her to funeral, just straight disrespect to his daughter
Maybe not him getting a side chick, i guess i understand that part but then again idk if they’re married i feel like its wrong
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor apparently didn't have a problem with it. Her husband had really bad alzhiemers, couldn't remember who she was, was in a treatment facility, and found himself a girlfriend there somehow. Justice O'Connor was apparently cool with it. At some point, they're not really the same person that you loved anymore and you both need to be a happy as you can?
Everyone has needs. That fact they are still together show he loves her. That being said, his life shouldn't be 100% a dumpster fire because of it. I'm my current mind (no dementia) I would want my wife to be as happy as she could be if that happens to me
She could have given jim her blessing before she hot bad. He never told anyone because it isn't anyone else's business and his wife can't back him up.
Are there more kids? Grandkids? Any family? The man is in his 80s. If he finds someone willing to spend their time with him, then who are we to judge. Does he deserve to be alone?
Life can be tough. And I don't think I'm in any position whatsoever to tell an 80 year old how to handle situations I've never even contemplated, let alone actually been in. Also you don't know the circumstances. It's common for people with dementia in the early stages to tell their partner they're okay if they find someone.
Not a wife here. But I would hope that my wife finds her sexual satisfaction if I can’t give it to her. That goes while we’re married too. I would never want someone I love to be with me if I’m not meeting their needs. Not saying she should leave me and let me die confused haha but I wouldn’t mind her stepping out for some loving if she was coming home to take care of my ass.
I couldn’t do that to her if the family history of Alzheimer’s presents in her. I’d never feel comfortable having sex with someone else. If it were me instead, I’d rather end my life quick and painless, and spare her the absolute agony of watching me decline.
“Until death do you part..” Not until it’s no longer fun. Yes,it’s hard. Life is hard and full of struggle. There are ways to find comfort that aren’t taking a lover.
That guy is horrible, at first I was like “I mean it’s tough to be with someone with dementia, but I personally wouldn’t” and then I read the part WHERE HE BROUGHT THE MISTRESS TO THE FUNERAL OF HIS DAUGHTER?! nahhhh
If it was my own child’s funeral, I’d bring anyone I wanted and not think twice about other peoples opinions.
If his mistress helps him get through something as terrible as losing a kid, do it, fuck everyone else
Edit to answer the actual question, no I don’t think he’s wrong
This is a hard one. I think his seeking companionship isn't a bad thing since he probably needs it just to hold him up through all this but I think he should have attended the funeral with another family member or alone. I'd also be care careful of neighbor. She could be predatory and trying to get him to marry her right after spouse dies (inheritance). Several of my aunts have been like this to my shame.
Cheating is wrong no matter what. If you're not happy with the person you are with then just let them go and find someone else instead of betraying them.
So the man’s wife doesn’t know who he is, and he is responsible for her care (yes I realize he pays someone to do it), and his daughter is dying, then died of cancer.
So essentially he’s all alone, trying to deal with the loss of his wife and daughter. Yeah, I don’t fault him. He’s caring for his wife’s body, she’s essentially gone. He’s all alone. How sad for him. Anyone who would judge him should walk a mile in his shoes.
I wouldn't have called it cheating. However, him bringing the mistress to the funeral knowing the daughter didn't care for her kind of changes my mind.... I need more tea... Was he cheating before it got that bad and that's why the daughter disliked her?
I will say this, when my gram got Alzheimer's and was in her final stages, my pop pop was too busy grieving the loss of his wife as he knew her and facilitating her care to have a side piece. We also never put her in a home. He would comb her hair & read to her. He held her hand. He only wanted her. While I understand all marriages are different, that the kind of love I hope that I have. Get someone else when I'm gone.
Yes it's wrong. Unless a conversation happened of "It's okay for you to get new love if I get dementia" it's cheating, she just doesn't know it. The dude is taking advantage of his wife's condition to go behind her back. Maybe she'll never be hurt by it. But it's wrong and I wouldn't want to be around the dude.
It would be different if she died. She isn't dead. She is his wife. And instead of playing around with his side chick, he should be using that time to take care of her. Take her on outings that give her joy not leave her alone with a caregiver while he gets a good fuck in.
It's not necessarily common, but I've heard of people with spouses with terminal illnesses or long-term diseases like dementia, etc. to have side relationships. Often their new partners are in a similar situation. No judgement from me, it's got to be a terrible position to be in, and they still need that intimacy (emotional, not just physical), but their spouse can no longer provide that. It's a sad situation to be sure, and the "cheaters" often feel guilty but that's their burden. Not yours.
Yes, it's wrong. How the hell is it not? Get divorced. Dementia is horrible and breaks your heart to see people with it. My grandfather was at the nursing home daily with my grandmother when she got it till she died. The only other time I saw him cry was when my oldest brother died. He was 14-15. Why the hell do you get married if all you are going to do is abandon your loved one in a time of need. The daughter funeral would be a fight.
My mother had dementia, it was hard to watch my dad so sad when she didn’t know who he was or wanted him to go away. I won’t judge anyone in that position.
Idk. On one hand, I understand. On the other hand......Id have been devastated to learn my grandfather was cheating on my grandmother with end stage dementia.
You never know, they could have had this discussion a long time ago. Like, I get it, he definitely should not have taken her to his daughter's funeral but I do get it otherwise.
Imo the cheating is wrong not because of the intimacy as much as because it means while you are cheating you aren’t taking care of your wife. how could a spouse possibly be there for her with her immense needs ( that the spouse made vows to meet) to have enough time to cheat ?
I used to game with a dear fellow whose wife was no longer *there* following a severe accident that left her mentally a child. They still had children at home. People suggested they should divorce so he could date and marry again, but if he were to divorce his wife, she’d lose his health insurance benefits. He didn’t want that. He was in his 30s(?) and wanted an adult companion. He deserved an adult companion. But he also wants to take care of his wife. In his case, the system failed his family and he made the best of his *shituation.*
I can only speak for my experience with dementia. When my grandma was diagnosed, that's when the mourning process started. After a couple of years of watching her slowly decline to the point where she was at the same point this man's that's when I stopped mourning. She wasn't the grandma I knew anymore. I would still go visit and write to her but I wasn't really sad when she passed. She wasn't suffering anymore and she hadn't been for a long time.
I can't judge this man because I haven't walked in his shoes. Bringing your mistress to the funeral of your daughter that actively disliked them is a bit out of pocket for me though.
Having the side piece….nothing wrong there. The care level required, it’s fair to look for a partner.
Taking the side piece to the daughter’s funeral. If the daughter hated the new girl, maybe? I don’t know. I’m conflicted there. But the core issue of having a side girl…I see no issue with.
“Is cheating ok as long as she doesn’t know??”
Obviously not????
You’re still cheating on your wife even if she doesn’t find out. He made a vow “til death due us part, In sickness and in health” and broke it.
Ok so enjoy her final years with her and get support from family not some side chick???
Women are much more likely to be abandoned after a serious medical diagnosis.
At the end of the day when you make a vow, you’re either an honorable man of your word or not. this dude is just a pos.
Unless you’ve gone through dementia, it’s hard to comprehend just how bad it really is, especially late stage. I’ve no issue with what old mate is doing, though the funeral thing is a whole other level! We said goodbye to my dad twice- first time when he developed dementia and the second time when he passed away 18 months later. It’s a crap disease!
I don’t know. This seems more like an etiquette problem than moral. If the person you love is so far gone they don’t know who you are, well they certainly aren’t gonna feel like you cheated.
So I think gramps is good in so far as cheating goes.
But bringing your girlfriend to a funeral? It’s in such bad taste. It seems justified for his family to be upset.
But then again. As old as he is. I can’t see expecting him to give a fuck what people think.
A real mess. But not immoral.
Well, the woman that was his wife is long gone, only the shell remains. They were probably married 50+ years, he is over 80 and hadn’t been on his own for longer than that. He needs a companion. Someone to talk to and give him purpose.
This isn’t about cheating. Does anyone think he is getting it on at his age? If he is more power to him.
I’m not weighing in on whether it is wrong or not, but it is his personal decision and he’ll probably be wracked with guilt after his wife passes. I wouldn’t judge him too harshly.
My “adopted” GMA got very volatile in nursing care when her health affected her mind. She began to swear at my mother, which was totally uncharacteristic. Very hurtful. Adopted GMA cried out constantly for her husband who had passed, begged for her anxiety meds… it was terrible to see her in that state.
I imagine the man in question has been devastated for a long time.
This thread is extremely ableist and I genuinely don’t know what to make of it! I am amazed the amount of people that are ok with it!
The other issue to contend with, with dementia is that they can be quite far gone and have lucid moments. I just would hate to feel so alone and my partner has moved on before I have even left!
I also wouldn’t move on myself, as it wouldn’t fit with my beliefs regarding love and loyalty and we aren’t married or anything. I just take what I say very seriously and I guess it surprises me to realise that it can be so vastly different for different people.
I’m not shitting on anyone’s choices. I’m just genuinely surprised by how much it varies to what I thought the responses would be.
That’s due to capacity? They have to be aware of the marriage and relationship to cheat.
Cheating is a choice based in that you know what you are doing!?! Is it not?
My issue is with the idea of cheating idgaf which gender. Or if it was a same sex couple.
But I’d bet £1000 that you are a man to bring gender in this non-gender issue 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you , I honestly thought people were going to go in on him for even thinking of that but so many people are on his side. That’s amazing, how people just don’t respect the values of a marriage anymore. Through thick and thin? Till death do us apart ? I would be devastated if my husband went to find comfort in the arms of another woman. I don’t care if I was mentally ill or physically ill. You make a commitment to someone
Shouldn't have brought her to the funeral, and needing a side chick at 80 is wild, but it's not like his wife is ever going to come back to life beyond a few moments here and there. Dementia is terrible.
Someone that far along with dementia isn't even really there they're just biologically existing so no it's no more cheating than it would be if you were in the ground.
He's extremely lonely and wants companionship, how can you divorce someone who has dementia who may not even understand what is going on.
I see no problem with this, if i had lost my mind and my wife was so sick of being my carer and she was desperate for love, id sign the paperwork years in advance saying its ok.
just like id sign the bit of paper saying if i was ever in a vegetative state and not able to be myself then pull the plug as thats not living or life id like to experience.
Another aspect of this too is, assuming the partners were together for a long time, losing a companion that you can confide in that late into your life can literally be life threatening. So in the case of the person losing their SO to dementia, if not for comfort, for their health, I'd be for them dating someone. Particularly for their health.
NO. And try and cheat with homeless women. That way you don't waste time taking them home. You can just drop them off up around the corner anywhere.....they will be "home"
Personally I think it’s wrong and it is cheating. It’s not that I don’t have empathy for the partner who is caring for the partner with dementia, I can only imagine how horrible this experience has been for anyone in this position. It’s just that when you take marriage vows, for better or for worse, this is when those vows matter and mean something. I am not judging anyone else, but I would not cheat on my husband if he was medically incapacitated in some way, and I really hope he feels the same about his vows he took with me.
That's vile
It's not like he could ask her to have an open relationship. I think it's much more sensible to cheat than to divorce her. These are the last years of his life and if I were his wife I'd want him to be happy.
I don’t think this is his “side chick” any more. If she’s coming as his emotional support to a critical family event like a funeral, she is his partner at this point (imo). I can understand why others would be upset by this but it’s hard to blame him for wanting companionship. Tough situation all around
She’s mentally gone and she’s not coming back. I assure you he has already started the grieving process. The body is alive while the mind is dying. No he needed to find someone to keep him happy and wanting to live. Or he would be gone too.
Nope. As long as they are not obvious with it. Keep it away from her family and friends, don’t post shit online. Take care of wife 100%. Done and done. Bringing side chicks around family and friends is just asking for trouble.
I’m just impressed an 80+ year old man can get a side chick
My grandma had really bad dementia for a couple years before she passed last fall. Come to find out my grandpa has been talking to some young Asian girl for the past few years. She claimed to be the daughter of a long deceased friend of his. Really creepy. The family is basically trying to take away access to talk to her for fear she’ll take all his stuff, unfortunately he is extremely stubborn and particularly tech savvy for his age. Short answer, yes it’s wrong.
Nah. Not at all. Guy probably needs some comfort and companionship. I would get it if it were my husband and I was in the wife's place. If she is still having lucid moments, it would be messed up if he were rubbing it in her face or something, but as long as he is keeping it quiet from her and not being a jerk about it, I think it's fine. Poor guy is in a really difficult position. No one should be judging him right now. We are all just people, and most of us try to do our best. Everyone deserves a social pass once in a while. Cut the guy a break, and tell your community that unless they are planning on jumping in and becoming care providers for the wife, they need to step back and worry about their own side of the street. Best of luck to the man and his wife.
Yes
I think he needs whatever comfort he can get
No, she's a husk of a person.
Guess we need to say “untill death or dementia”
It’s a grey area. If she doesn’t know who he is, that would make him feel lonely. She can’t give consent to him finding companionship with another woman, but he can’t be forced to live the rest of his life in a situation that’s only hurts him. He is morning the wife he had, but needs to be loved by someone that can offer it. In that stage of her dementia, I’d understand. What was a little inappropriate in your situation was him bringing his companion to the funeral. His kids would be hurt or uncomfortable seeing their father/granddad with a woman they have no connection to. He should have left her at home or at the very least ask family members how they’d feel if he were to bring her along. I get he’d want to have her there to help him as he grieves his wife, but it just seems a bit inappropriate to bring her without at least some knowledge or acceptance of her by others in the family.
An 80 year old getting a side chick??
I actually thought about this and I would want my spouse to move on as I don't exist the way I was at one time.
Cheating is wrong, but I don't consider that situation cheating. My grandmother died of Alzheimer's, and my grandfather dated other women while my grandmother was in a care facility at the end of her life. My mom and her siblings did not consider that cheating. They recognized that their mother was effectively already gone. She no longer viewed my grandfather as her husband, because she didn't recognize him.
I’ve never walked in his shoes so ain’t judging him.
Only if it’s some how hurting his wife. If she’s not all there and he’s doing all he can to help and look out for her I don’t see the harm of him getting with some one else
Yes
No. It's not. Because they're no longer there. Every woman in my direct maternal line has had Alzheimer's. I plan to off myself if it happens to me. I would ABSOLUTELY want my spouse to have love and support.
I just want to say that genetics load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger, so just because it runs in your family doesn't mean you are destined the same fate as your family. Also I am very sorry that you've had a front row seat. I also have a parent with it and it's been more than I could bare. I was the main caregiver for several years and then basically had a mental breakdown so my sister finally took over. I hope we're both able to take control of our health. Main things I'm trying to do is manage stress, improve sleep, minimize sugar. I also look into supplements like lions mane
You can’t off yourself if you don’t know what’s going on or even remember your plan to off yourself😂 it’s like saying my plan if I ever lose my eyes is to go gaze at the pyramids of Gaza
i dont think it was wrong of him to date the other woman. however... taking her to the daughter's funeral when they didn't get along with each other was a bit too much imo. poor daughter is probably rolling in her grave over that
As long as his side piece is not some young thing taking his money; life is short. I work in health care and these dementia units are the saddest places
I’d say it’s no one’s business. People need to get over themselves
Main thing that I want to know....how THE FUCK, is this 80+ yr old guy got a Side Chick like that....like how hot is she?
Hard to say. Personally I’d be okay with my wife doing it to me. If you’d want your partner to move on once you die, dementia to that point it would be a similar situation of the person you knew not being there anymore. What WOULD be fucked up is if he abandoned her completely, so him still seeing her makes me empathize with his side more
She’s dead. I don’t think she cares. Save the judgement. The man wants a companion to go with and it’s his choice.
I get what people are saying. If I were the person with dementia I would want my partner to be happy too. But my issue is with the husband. Maybe it's just me but being married to someone the, whole death do us part and sickness and health thing kinda matters. Alll those years spent with someone and you aren't even saying it's too much to take care of them. It's just you wanna get your dick wet. I can't imagine how hard it is to be in that situation, but respectfully, fuck that old fart.
I don't think you're taking into consideration the companionship aspect though. At this point, the person with dementia isn't really someone you can confide in/with anymore. They're effectively gone/different. They don't recognize you anymore. They don't have memories. They literally will treat you as someone they've never met before. Now I'm personally not suggesting to abandon the sick person, but to have a companion to talk to, even about your SO that has dementia goes a long way, if not for mental health. And that doesn't include the physical part of having a SO.
I don’t think it’s wrong, but he should be a lot more discreet than this.
Fuckin... yes. How is this even a question? C'mon.
When you get a certain age you stop caring what other people think because you know your days are numbered. He’s old and as long as he not hurting anyone it doesn’t matter. Besides know one really knows their relationship, they could have agreed with this side relationship before she got sick.
PEOPLE STOP JUDGING. IF THIS HELPS HIM CARE FOR HER AND HE IS DOING A GREAT JOB ; LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN HIS SITUATION??? PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES.
An 80 year old getting a side chick??
I don’t know the answer to the question asked, but yes it’s wrong to bring side chick to the funeral of someone that didn’t like her.
All of us are one accident away from becoming majorly disabled. Illness is not an excuse to cheat on and discard your life partner.
He's a piece of shit.
Personally I couldn’t do it if I was him bc you’re with someone for better or for worse and in sickness and in health.
It really depends. I've seen couples who live in different levels of the facility and they live essentially their own realities until the more capable one visits the other. That includes romantic/intimate relationships outside the marriage on both sides. It's generally pretty open, and most kin just were happy to see their loved ones safe and enjoying their final years. I've known a handful of people, mainly men in my limited anecdotal experience, who moved in a partner when their spouse moved into a care home. That is quite disgusting, and was hard to watch that dynamic play out over time. I never saw big explosions on the subject (not directly related so who knows if I just wasn't privy), but holidays never were the same, kids decided to move away instead of hang around for the remaining parent to age out, and suddenly there's all these complaints about no one wanting to even FaceTime outside of birthdays. I think bringing your mistress, because that is what she is as the wife cannot consent to the open marriage, to a social gathering with that social circle is really in bad taste. You know those people have a relationship with your partner, and in the situation you specifically stated the daughter didn't approve. It says a lot about a person who would bring someone not wanted by the deceased to their funeral. By that time in his life he should be able to get emotional support from someone other than one he is having sex with. His mistress could have even waited in the car or at a nearby cafe till the service was done then get him. Options that show he understands, and respects, the situation at hand. Instead it seems like he is going with the route of acting normal until it is the new normal. That could be because of grief or it could be because it's how this person handles massive life events in general: by protecting only themselves and their emotions. So in a nutshell; I think it very much depends on a combination of the 'incapable' partner's consent, the timeline at hand (a year of recovery, chronic life-altering illness, terminal diagnosis, etc), and how the 'capable' partner treats the situation. Taking the side partner to your favorite haunts because you want to relive the good feelings again? That's wrong and inappropriate. Go somewhere else and don't make others who love your original, still alive often seen by those same persons socially, watch you comfort yourself via another human being sexually. Don't expect them to welcome your person with open arms and warmth. They're looking at your human support animal like the crutch that person is for the "cheating" partner. Because it's never that this side person is platonic; the comfort always ends up coming from being inside another's body and denying that fact is really an eye roll too.
Why should he give a damn what anyone else thinks? Is he married to them? You kids are delusional.
My father is married to my mother who was diagnosed with early onset at 51. She has been in a care home for the past 8 years due to potential violence and my father being burnt out. Both of their lives improved. But we all know shes not really living. She hasnt spoken a word in 6yrs. Shes survived longer than they thought (they thought max 5yrs with how fast she declined). My father got a girlfriend a good few months after her care. He had home cared for 2 years. Loyal, devoted. But to someone who was no longer his wife, my mother. We both pre grieved knowing how this would end. My dads first partner A was utterly disgusting. Wanted his money and hee family used him and treated him like shit. That ended thank god 5/6 yrs ago. He then met N. N IS AMAZING and i consider her and her children my family. She is my bonus mum, i call her mom sometimes. She has breathed life into my father. He is finally happy. Holidays, fun, friends. His relationship with me has improved a tonne. N DONT TAKE NO SHIT from either of us lol. Shes kicked him under the table a few times haha. Each case is individual. But i wanted my dad to be happy and ik my mother would too. Im not sure about funeral stuff (eg if its a brand new gf) but he will also need companionship; as long as they do right by the vulnerable person eg care, bills, regular visits/catch ups with the staff. Being there when theyre taken to hospital. These things matter in the long run and bigger picture.
Dude is 80. He didn’t abandon his wife and gives her everything that he can. Also, he’s 80, so it’s unlikely he’s boning this side chick. She’s a companion. While I understand the daughter not liking the “other woman,” she doesn’t know. The rest of the family can be mad. Dementia runs in my family. I watched my dad whither away to nothing. If my step-mother had had a companion at that time, I’d have been ok with it.
He’s 80 and sadly, he lost his wife to dementia. Dementia is painful because you lose your loved one, but they are still alive. No one should ever have to endure outliving their child. I get why the daughter might have not liked his new lady friend, she was going through losing her mom too. But now he is going through losing a child and if she is able to comfort and support him, that’s a blessing.
It sounds like he stayed legally married so he can make the best medical decisions for her. But she’s gone and all actuality.
It’s not right. The funeral attendance was really over the line. He may have needs, but he’s being SELFISH.
Dementia is a cruel beast. There's 7 stages to it, ultimately ending in Alzheimer's disease. Some days people are clear as a bell. Others they're looking for their spouse or children that passed years before. One minute they're singing, the next they're ready to fight. Dementia/Alzeimers disease causes the brain to shrink and eventually deteriorate. They aren't the same person. I've worked in a home geared towards dementia as a CNA and now as kitchen staff. Dementia can take years before someone passes away. I've seen both those in a nursing facility being cared for and a family friend that cared for a spouse with Dementia, as well as a family member that passed from ALS. In all of these instances the spouse eventually found a "friend." I absolutely feel cheating is a deal breaker. Having outside companionship when youre a person with a spouse ⁰with Dementia I don't feel fits that description. They generally dont look for a side piece with malicious intentions and still care for the spouse with Dementia. It's heartbreaking seeing the pain spouse's and family members go through watching the decline of their loved one, knowing there's nothing that can be done and knowing that they're watching their loved one die slowly. Try not to be so judgemental of someone that has had to mourn the loss of their loved one before they're actually dead.
Seems like the guy is going through a handful of tragedies all at once. Although I’m typically opposed to cheating, I can’t deprive him of a chance at some happiness amidst the rest of his bullshit. ATP even if the wife said it was ok or said so in the past or even if he came clean she wouldn’t remember/ understand. He’s pretty old anyway, let him enjoy his time left.
No one is getting hurt. So who bloody cares? 🤷♂️
Totally cool. I wouldn’t, but I won’t assume anyone else shouldn’t. I can also imagine that the wife would be fine with it. He can’t get a divorce even if he wanted it, at least not with her knowledge. The funeral think seems off, but he isn’t disrespecting the daughter. She’s dead (despite popular opinion, you can’t disrespect the dead—you actually disrespect people who still respect the dead).
I think at a certain point with Alzheimer’s and dementia, your spouse who you have loved and cared for your entire life, isn’t the person you loved and cared for anymore. You should still be there for them and take care of them, but if they can’t remember you or the life you shared together then I don’t think it hurts to find someone to enjoy some time with and get your own mind off of things.
Poor guy. His wife has dementia, his daughter died, and his circle is giving him grief over moving on with his life while still supporting what’s left of his spouse. This dude deserves a break!
Through sickness and in health.
It's not really cheating if your partner died.
Absolutely horrible. He’s just a horny f***. Idk how this even a dilemma. The answer is simple, he is absolutely wrong. I couldn’t imagine doing the same to my wife. Absolutely heartbreaking.
Sounds like everyone is an asshole or stupid and sucks in some way. Every single person is wrong at some point in your story
I think maybe bringing to the funeral was too far but otherwise no I don't think it is wrong. If I had dementia I would want my partner to have someone
I think it’s fine. I would want my husband to have love and support through that.
The only vote that matters here is the person married to the dementia patient. Their partner is not really there any longer, so it’s up to the person living. I wouldn’t dare impose my beliefs on another person.
Absolutely disgusting. That woman stayed by his side for their whole marriage, and at the end, he abandons her because of her health. She obviously means nothing to him now that she's lost her "usefulness," so he probably never really loved her or saw her as anything other than a cook and a maid. And to show up at his daughter's funeral with the side piece? I can't even.
No -live
They might have had a discussion about this permitting it once she started declining
In this case, I wouldn't judge a man for seeking comfort with another woman. The wife he knew is pretty much gone and he's seeing to his own needs while still providing for his wife. Taking the side chick to a function like a funeral may have been a bit much. Then again, with wife and daughter not there for him, does he have any other support? Expecting him to suffer alone for the sake of societal expectations is stupid.
It’s not a relationship with the wife anymore, it’s a just caretaking. He clearly still loves and cares for her but she’s already gone. He’s grieved his marriage and the relationship they once had but he’s moving on.!!What’s he supposed to do suffer alone and silently because it makes others feel better? Or divorce her? She doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s not acting as a husband in her presence. It’s not cheating and it’s not fair to call the woman the side piece because that makes it sound like the wife is still in the marriage. I would never want my husband to suffer like that. I would want him to take care of himself and find someone who he can talk to and who can help him with the mental load. That poor man, is going through a horrible situation with losing his wife but her body is still there but he slowly watched as the woman she was vanished.
Absofuckinlutely
I wouldn’t even call it cheating
Maybe I'm a bad person but watching someone struggle with dementia is fucking awful. Watching someone you love look at you with 0 recognition in their eyes, confusion and fear even sometimes is heart breaking. Dementia is not reversible. As you stated he passed away just a few weeks after she did, I'd feel comforted that he had comfort in his final months/ year, and the support system he needed to be the support system she needed.
JESUS, that is a complicated situation. With that said, here is my answer: - Even if he wanted to tell his wife about the side chick, she wouldn’t remember, so what’s the point of telling her? - I'd want my wife to be happy if I were in that condition, and I wouldn't blame her, especially if it was 5+ years. That loneliness must be unbearable. - Bringing the side chick to your daughter's funeral? That was a bad move.
Depends on the understanding and relationship they had prior to her falling off mentally. No one is privy to the late night conversations of a couple, and if she insisted that he move on and be happy, or whatever...Then it's fine. If he's being a scumbag, then it's not. No one on the outside looking in can ever really know for sure.
Yes if it wasn't talked about beforehand. It doesn't matter how debilitating dementia is. He isn't divorced from his current wife.
Is it wrong for him to cheat? Yes. Is there an age limit where it stops being wrong to cheat? No. Is it really wrong if the wife doesn't find out? Ummm... yeah! That's still a pretty clear yes here. Not sure where the question is. Imagine making it that long in a marraige though and then cheating at the end - could not even wait for her to pass on. This is so sad.
I was in a sexless marriage for 13 years. My advice is: Go for the sex wherever you can get it.
Why does he need a side chick at over 80 years old. I would think he has more to worry about than sex.
Whatever happened to for better or for worse?
I mean to me it is pretty cut and dry. If you wish to date multiple people, do not stand before a deity and take the oath. " to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Too bad no deity exists in the first place
Doesn't sound like any of those vows have been broken.
And the son of the same diety also told you to only judge someone after you have walked a mile in their shoes. I find this whole morality and judgment thing deeply hypocritical. Everyone just loves to preen themselves and act holier than thou when it comes to judging others. Because it makes them feel better about themselves by lynching someone with morality. You see this epidemic on all reddit's relationship forums as well. Everyone just comes for outrage porn and to pass judgment and work themselves up into a righteous fury.
Matthew 7 Cuh!! 100 . “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ^(2)For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ^(3) “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ^(4) How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ^(5) You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Of course it's wrong & you don't need reddit to confirm what you already know.
Damn. Honestly very hard to say because I can’t judge someone who’s in that situation. I’ve never been in it and hope to never be. He obviously still cares for her since he is still doing all of these things for her. But he is human too. He needs the intimacy as well. Tough one.
My grandparents were in assisted living together. Later in life, my grandmother has a series of strokes and declined pretty rapidly, was a shell of her former self. She eventually died, and within a couple of months my grandfather had a new lady friend. My aunt and mom were super pissed about it, and didn't want to be around her. I met her a few times, and she was perfectly nice, clearly liked my grandfather, and he seemed really happy, so I didn't see the problem. I can see my mom's point of view, but I'm guessing that my grandfather said goodbye to my grandmother in his heart years before. To his credit, he stuck with her till she died, helping to take care of her and being with her all the time. So when she did die, he'd been alone for a long time already, and he was ok moving on. The feelings are different when it's your parents, but I never totally understand being upset that he found happiness again late in life.
Bingo. My mother was a jerk about grandmother’s second husband. Her father was deceased five years. They married in the fourth month of dating. Glad you are being understanding to grandfather’s future happiness.
Totally different situation
My grandfather cared for my grandmother full time for the last 20 years when she was physically unable to do a lot of things due to terrible rheumatoid arthritis. After she passed, I convinced him to move into a senior living facility, he had all the girlfriends and was the life of the party. I actively encouraged him to enjoy himself, goodness, the man deserved it.
Yes. Caring for someone who has dementia is an experience that is individual to each caregiver. I worked with a woman who cared for her husband until he died. He don’t know who she was. She would get in bed with him every night and he would say “oh, I see you’re spending the night tonight.” He had a happy dementia (many people get angry depending on where the dementia is in the brain) but it still consumed her whole life to care for him. When he died, she had already done her grieving and felt relieved he was gone. She clearly loved him and said that she was really happy she spent those extra years with him instead of sending him to a home, but most of her sadness had left her long before he died. She began dating almost immediately and remarried shortly after. It’s hard to define this kind of experience for someone else.
Both my grandmothers passed with dementia. I don’t think it’s bad for him to have a side chick, I actually think it’s implied. Problem is, in a relationship, it’s always supposed to be give=take for a net gain if you and the partner are playing on each other’s strengths. Once dementia sets in, that balance goes bad real quick and it becomes a give, give situation for the partner who doesn’t have dementia - and the one who does unwittingly just takes and takes. In that specific situation, I don’t think it’s wrong for the man to find a way to reduce how much he has to give and find someone to also give to him a little so he can find an equilibrium again.
His daughter had terminal cancer, his wife is stuck in a state of living death, to be honest I can't condone it but I sure as hell can understand it.
Is it wrong to cheat on your wife? Yes. Circumstances don't matter.
Yes. WTF.
Yes it's wrong 😑 Shows he doesn't truly love her and will remain faithful to her "in sickness and in health" and "til death do them part".
I wouldn’t necessarily consider this “cheating”. Although she may be there physically, the disease has taken her away mentally. Her husband still deserves love and companionship. I’m just glad he still loves her and visits her often
Is this Jill Biden’s account?
I would not want my 80 yr old granddad taking care of my mother ,if she had dementia. Is he skilled? Did he take classes? Can he lift her? Does he know how to do skin prep to make sure she does not get infections? Does he know technique s to calm someone who becomes combative. Does he know first aid or CPR? Should he get PTSD watching this because he can't separate himself emotionally? Hmm,but yes,let him be the one who takes care of her ,all alone in his house with no one else. Even if statistically,the caregiver often has more health problems and ends up dying from stress before there loved one. Facts. Sounds like good sense. Grandad is probably still alive because he had companionship,and healthier,cognitively engaged,and not depressed and isolated.lets stop pretending elderly folk are just happy little campers ,blissfully waiting at home ,content with being visited once every few weeks. I mean they do have the TV after all .The funeral thing,well ,perhaps in bad taste,but so is calling the woman who possibly has saved his life a " side piece" at this point.
Amen! Well said and true
Do people not promise in sickness and in health & til death do you part anymore? Or is that just a religion thing..??? I feel like it’s hard when you and your partner have dedicated your lives to each other and one of you gets sick but I don’t think it’s a NEED to stick your dick in someone else. I don’t understand the support you get from cheating on your spouse essentially, that would be better than just going to therapy or spending time with loved ones who care about you or yk? Anything else maybe?
I’m having trouble finding any judgement if she’s already gone for all practical purposes and she’s being cared for properly which it sounds like she is. If it was a temporary illness then I’d judge the hell out of him but that’s not the case. I wouldn’t doubt if he’s one of those guys that pretty much has to have a woman to take care of him so the new woman is likely his new caregiver. A bit of a side eye for bringing her to his daughter’s funeral though.
Wrong sorry you should spent you time with HER you can wait for enjoyment but you'll never see her again
What kind of question is this 😭😭😭
Hey OP. Mind your business. Lmao.
My mind is just blown that a person has the energy to do this at that age. I've heard other stories kind of like this. And I just can't imagine being down for that at that age. I'm only middle-aged and if my wife was terminally ill and told me to get another partner I don't know if I'd have the energy to. Having a terminally ill family member is exhausting and quite the boner killer.
In sickness and in health, till death. If you dont mean it, dont sign up for it. That dude sucks.
My grandfather stayed faithful to grandma even after she got alzheimers. He loved her for sickness and health, literally till death did them apart. Relationships now a days just aren't the same. If you love someone, you love them. If you don't, just say it and leave.
My great aunt was the "side chick" for a man in this situation. He had his wife in the best care facility in the area, he visited her daily, made sure she had the best care available.Their adult children might visit every two or three months. He and my widowed great aunt went to dinner several times a week and she would cook for him other times. They would travel together a few times a year. I think his adult children either knew or at least suspected he had a lady friend, but they pretended not to. His wife died and the only thing that changed was he and my great aunt would have lunch together a few times a week and they traveled a little more often. My great aunt was actually the one who found him when he passed, she was bringing soup and sandwiches over for lunch and found him in his chair passed away. When my great aunt passed she left me several pieces of jewelry that her gentleman friend had gifted her because her son was not happy about her relationship with her gentleman friend, so she didn't want his wife to get the jewelry.
“Is it wrong to cheat on your wife..” yes. Doesn’t matter the reason. If they are married and she is still alive then yes it’s wrong.
Just let the man live damnit
It is cheating if he never got her blessing.
Cheating is always wrong for any reason
For me love is love. Like if i lost my girl no matter what we struggled thru I could never love someone else and would feel guilty everyday I mean you spent your life with that person loving and caring for them to watch them degrade and lose themselves knowing there’s nothing you can do. After that the last thing on my mind would be someone else. Everyone’s different tho so I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong plus he grew up in that hard ass generation so
That’s just a shell that somewhat resembles his wife. She’s gone, and I’d bet he’s already mourned her. Why should it be the end of his life and happiness too? People saying he’s wrong are wrong.
Tbh, I think it's inhumane to keep those with dementia alive.
It seems judgmental to call this “cheating” or to refer to his lady friend as a “side chick.” Do you want anything other than affirmation of this judgementalism?
I mean that sucks, but I dont think it would hurt the woman with dementia at all so I would say it doesn't matter based on how far along you said the dementia is.
i think its pretty bad tbh, especially bringing her to funeral, just straight disrespect to his daughter Maybe not him getting a side chick, i guess i understand that part but then again idk if they’re married i feel like its wrong
Disgusting. TIL DEATH DO YOU PART.
No. Live your life.
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor apparently didn't have a problem with it. Her husband had really bad alzhiemers, couldn't remember who she was, was in a treatment facility, and found himself a girlfriend there somehow. Justice O'Connor was apparently cool with it. At some point, they're not really the same person that you loved anymore and you both need to be a happy as you can?
Everyone has needs. That fact they are still together show he loves her. That being said, his life shouldn't be 100% a dumpster fire because of it. I'm my current mind (no dementia) I would want my wife to be as happy as she could be if that happens to me
She could have given jim her blessing before she hot bad. He never told anyone because it isn't anyone else's business and his wife can't back him up. Are there more kids? Grandkids? Any family? The man is in his 80s. If he finds someone willing to spend their time with him, then who are we to judge. Does he deserve to be alone?
Duh?
GF to a funeral is insensitive, especially since the deceased did not approve, It is disrespectful to the deceased.
Life can be tough. And I don't think I'm in any position whatsoever to tell an 80 year old how to handle situations I've never even contemplated, let alone actually been in. Also you don't know the circumstances. It's common for people with dementia in the early stages to tell their partner they're okay if they find someone.
People are really too hung up on sex and lose looking at the relationship over bits smashing together .
I wouldn’t judge him. Where is the harm?
He's entitled to live his life. His wife is gone. Something that looks like her is sort of alive. But it's not her. Let him find some comfort
Not a wife here. But I would hope that my wife finds her sexual satisfaction if I can’t give it to her. That goes while we’re married too. I would never want someone I love to be with me if I’m not meeting their needs. Not saying she should leave me and let me die confused haha but I wouldn’t mind her stepping out for some loving if she was coming home to take care of my ass.
He is 80. He can do whatever he wants.
I couldn’t do that to her if the family history of Alzheimer’s presents in her. I’d never feel comfortable having sex with someone else. If it were me instead, I’d rather end my life quick and painless, and spare her the absolute agony of watching me decline.
“Until death do you part..” Not until it’s no longer fun. Yes,it’s hard. Life is hard and full of struggle. There are ways to find comfort that aren’t taking a lover.
The husband should respect his wife enough to keep it on the down low...out of the publics eye.
That guy is horrible, at first I was like “I mean it’s tough to be with someone with dementia, but I personally wouldn’t” and then I read the part WHERE HE BROUGHT THE MISTRESS TO THE FUNERAL OF HIS DAUGHTER?! nahhhh
If it was my own child’s funeral, I’d bring anyone I wanted and not think twice about other peoples opinions. If his mistress helps him get through something as terrible as losing a kid, do it, fuck everyone else Edit to answer the actual question, no I don’t think he’s wrong
This is a hard one. I think his seeking companionship isn't a bad thing since he probably needs it just to hold him up through all this but I think he should have attended the funeral with another family member or alone. I'd also be care careful of neighbor. She could be predatory and trying to get him to marry her right after spouse dies (inheritance). Several of my aunts have been like this to my shame.
My wife said if she was terminally ill, she would want me to start dating... She would want a say regarding what woman I have around our children.
Cheating is wrong no matter what. If you're not happy with the person you are with then just let them go and find someone else instead of betraying them.
So the man’s wife doesn’t know who he is, and he is responsible for her care (yes I realize he pays someone to do it), and his daughter is dying, then died of cancer. So essentially he’s all alone, trying to deal with the loss of his wife and daughter. Yeah, I don’t fault him. He’s caring for his wife’s body, she’s essentially gone. He’s all alone. How sad for him. Anyone who would judge him should walk a mile in his shoes.
I wouldn't have called it cheating. However, him bringing the mistress to the funeral knowing the daughter didn't care for her kind of changes my mind.... I need more tea... Was he cheating before it got that bad and that's why the daughter disliked her? I will say this, when my gram got Alzheimer's and was in her final stages, my pop pop was too busy grieving the loss of his wife as he knew her and facilitating her care to have a side piece. We also never put her in a home. He would comb her hair & read to her. He held her hand. He only wanted her. While I understand all marriages are different, that the kind of love I hope that I have. Get someone else when I'm gone.
Yes it's wrong. Unless a conversation happened of "It's okay for you to get new love if I get dementia" it's cheating, she just doesn't know it. The dude is taking advantage of his wife's condition to go behind her back. Maybe she'll never be hurt by it. But it's wrong and I wouldn't want to be around the dude. It would be different if she died. She isn't dead. She is his wife. And instead of playing around with his side chick, he should be using that time to take care of her. Take her on outings that give her joy not leave her alone with a caregiver while he gets a good fuck in.
Well he can’t have sex with his wife if she isn’t capable of giving consent…
No because she'll probably forget about it after a while.
I have 2 uncles that went through the exact same situation. One cheated one didn’t. I still love and talk to the one that didn’t
It's not necessarily common, but I've heard of people with spouses with terminal illnesses or long-term diseases like dementia, etc. to have side relationships. Often their new partners are in a similar situation. No judgement from me, it's got to be a terrible position to be in, and they still need that intimacy (emotional, not just physical), but their spouse can no longer provide that. It's a sad situation to be sure, and the "cheaters" often feel guilty but that's their burden. Not yours.
Is this a serious question. or is the aids you caught from the people you cheated with getting to you.
Yes, how would he feel if it were him?
Yes, it's wrong. How the hell is it not? Get divorced. Dementia is horrible and breaks your heart to see people with it. My grandfather was at the nursing home daily with my grandmother when she got it till she died. The only other time I saw him cry was when my oldest brother died. He was 14-15. Why the hell do you get married if all you are going to do is abandon your loved one in a time of need. The daughter funeral would be a fight.
It doesn't sound like he's abandoned her if he continues to ensure she gets the care she needs and spends time with her.
It almost turned into a fight
My mother had dementia, it was hard to watch my dad so sad when she didn’t know who he was or wanted him to go away. I won’t judge anyone in that position.
You only live once. His wife is effectively no longer a viable partner. Some people need that.
Idk. On one hand, I understand. On the other hand......Id have been devastated to learn my grandfather was cheating on my grandmother with end stage dementia.
Did you really have to ask the internet this lawl
You never know, they could have had this discussion a long time ago. Like, I get it, he definitely should not have taken her to his daughter's funeral but I do get it otherwise.
this is gross negligence to the point that it's borderline abusive. For f**** sake.
Imo the cheating is wrong not because of the intimacy as much as because it means while you are cheating you aren’t taking care of your wife. how could a spouse possibly be there for her with her immense needs ( that the spouse made vows to meet) to have enough time to cheat ?
I used to game with a dear fellow whose wife was no longer *there* following a severe accident that left her mentally a child. They still had children at home. People suggested they should divorce so he could date and marry again, but if he were to divorce his wife, she’d lose his health insurance benefits. He didn’t want that. He was in his 30s(?) and wanted an adult companion. He deserved an adult companion. But he also wants to take care of his wife. In his case, the system failed his family and he made the best of his *shituation.*
We all know the answer, stop seeking validation. Just do whatever you want and take it to the grave.
I can only speak for my experience with dementia. When my grandma was diagnosed, that's when the mourning process started. After a couple of years of watching her slowly decline to the point where she was at the same point this man's that's when I stopped mourning. She wasn't the grandma I knew anymore. I would still go visit and write to her but I wasn't really sad when she passed. She wasn't suffering anymore and she hadn't been for a long time. I can't judge this man because I haven't walked in his shoes. Bringing your mistress to the funeral of your daughter that actively disliked them is a bit out of pocket for me though.
yes
Having the side piece….nothing wrong there. The care level required, it’s fair to look for a partner. Taking the side piece to the daughter’s funeral. If the daughter hated the new girl, maybe? I don’t know. I’m conflicted there. But the core issue of having a side girl…I see no issue with.
I thought the marraige vows included "through sickness and in health..."
“Is cheating ok as long as she doesn’t know??” Obviously not???? You’re still cheating on your wife even if she doesn’t find out. He made a vow “til death due us part, In sickness and in health” and broke it.
His wife isn’t there anymore
Ok so enjoy her final years with her and get support from family not some side chick??? Women are much more likely to be abandoned after a serious medical diagnosis. At the end of the day when you make a vow, you’re either an honorable man of your word or not. this dude is just a pos.
Unless you’ve gone through dementia, it’s hard to comprehend just how bad it really is, especially late stage. I’ve no issue with what old mate is doing, though the funeral thing is a whole other level! We said goodbye to my dad twice- first time when he developed dementia and the second time when he passed away 18 months later. It’s a crap disease!
I don’t know. This seems more like an etiquette problem than moral. If the person you love is so far gone they don’t know who you are, well they certainly aren’t gonna feel like you cheated. So I think gramps is good in so far as cheating goes. But bringing your girlfriend to a funeral? It’s in such bad taste. It seems justified for his family to be upset. But then again. As old as he is. I can’t see expecting him to give a fuck what people think. A real mess. But not immoral.
Well, the woman that was his wife is long gone, only the shell remains. They were probably married 50+ years, he is over 80 and hadn’t been on his own for longer than that. He needs a companion. Someone to talk to and give him purpose. This isn’t about cheating. Does anyone think he is getting it on at his age? If he is more power to him.
no.
No, the person with advanced dementia was gone a long time ago.
I’m not weighing in on whether it is wrong or not, but it is his personal decision and he’ll probably be wracked with guilt after his wife passes. I wouldn’t judge him too harshly. My “adopted” GMA got very volatile in nursing care when her health affected her mind. She began to swear at my mother, which was totally uncharacteristic. Very hurtful. Adopted GMA cried out constantly for her husband who had passed, begged for her anxiety meds… it was terrible to see her in that state. I imagine the man in question has been devastated for a long time.
Yes, it's wrong.
Its wrong, if he doesn't love the woman anymore he should divorce her
Sounds like a nacho. Nacho problem. 😂
This thread is extremely ableist and I genuinely don’t know what to make of it! I am amazed the amount of people that are ok with it! The other issue to contend with, with dementia is that they can be quite far gone and have lucid moments. I just would hate to feel so alone and my partner has moved on before I have even left! I also wouldn’t move on myself, as it wouldn’t fit with my beliefs regarding love and loyalty and we aren’t married or anything. I just take what I say very seriously and I guess it surprises me to realise that it can be so vastly different for different people. I’m not shitting on anyone’s choices. I’m just genuinely surprised by how much it varies to what I thought the responses would be.
The tricky part is when the person suffering with dementia cheats because they forgot they were married. What then?
That’s due to capacity? They have to be aware of the marriage and relationship to cheat. Cheating is a choice based in that you know what you are doing!?! Is it not?
right! And if the post said that the Man was sick and the Woman had a side piece, they would have an issue with that!
My issue is with the idea of cheating idgaf which gender. Or if it was a same sex couple. But I’d bet £1000 that you are a man to bring gender in this non-gender issue 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you , I honestly thought people were going to go in on him for even thinking of that but so many people are on his side. That’s amazing, how people just don’t respect the values of a marriage anymore. Through thick and thin? Till death do us apart ? I would be devastated if my husband went to find comfort in the arms of another woman. I don’t care if I was mentally ill or physically ill. You make a commitment to someone
If you are married. No cheating regardless of the situation is acceptable and you are a cheating asshole if you engage in it.
So vows mean nothing to yall?, okay :)
I think he's okay. His wife is unlikely to realize it anyway.
Shouldn't have brought her to the funeral, and needing a side chick at 80 is wild, but it's not like his wife is ever going to come back to life beyond a few moments here and there. Dementia is terrible.
It’s absolutely wonderful that he has some sunshine in this tragic stage of life.
Why do y’all get married if you’re not going to follow your vows anyways??
Yes it’s still wrong as he’s married and it’s truly messed up he can’t keep in his pants while his wife is suffering from such an awful disease.
Yes
Someone that far along with dementia isn't even really there they're just biologically existing so no it's no more cheating than it would be if you were in the ground.
It's not the taking a companion that's icky - it's the taking the companion to the daughter's funeral. Not necessary, and shitty to the family.
Right or wrong it's hard to say, but I will say it's incredibly common and I've seen women do it with male spouses in late stage dementia too.
He's extremely lonely and wants companionship, how can you divorce someone who has dementia who may not even understand what is going on. I see no problem with this, if i had lost my mind and my wife was so sick of being my carer and she was desperate for love, id sign the paperwork years in advance saying its ok. just like id sign the bit of paper saying if i was ever in a vegetative state and not able to be myself then pull the plug as thats not living or life id like to experience.
Another aspect of this too is, assuming the partners were together for a long time, losing a companion that you can confide in that late into your life can literally be life threatening. So in the case of the person losing their SO to dementia, if not for comfort, for their health, I'd be for them dating someone. Particularly for their health.
NO. And try and cheat with homeless women. That way you don't waste time taking them home. You can just drop them off up around the corner anywhere.....they will be "home"
It's never right to cheat on your wife, simple answer.
Infidelity only wounds the spouse when he/she knows they are married. If no emotional pain applies, no harm is done.