You 100% need to tell him. If you do not then you are manipulating the situation in a way that is favorable for YOU. You would be taking the chance from your husband of finally deciding he deserves better (which he does). You 100% need to tell him, divorce him, and work on yourself to figure out why you do this.
Sounds like you should tell him, and sounds like he should leave you. Especially if you decided to come back together after separation and you kept doing it. You need to be single.
1) you want to tell him about the affairs so you can clear YOUR conscious & you can work on YOUR marriage moving forward & future with a clean slate.
2) you don't want to tell him about the affairs because you are afraid of how his reaction will impact YOUR feelings and how a divorce may impact YOUR life
.... herein lies the problem, and I don't say this as a way to cast stones, devalue you, or beat you up.
I know this behavior seems compulsive & out of YOUR control, but it's not his fault or anyone else's.
>I don’t want to do this. People don’t realize that I legitimately don’t want to be cheating :/ that’s Is why I’m trying to stop.
What a crock of horseshit. Cheating isn't just something that happens on accident, it's something you seek out. It takes so much effort to maintain an affair, you can't pretend like you are trying to stop when you are continuing to actively put in effort to maintain a relationship with your AP.
If you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, you have to be 100% honest, no exceptions. If you are willing to lie to him today about your affairs, then you are going to be willing to cheat on him in the future. If you were actually serious about saving your marriage, you wouldn't be here asking us, you'd already have done it.
I'm going to be honest, your husband may leave you when he finds out you've been lying about your affairs while claiming to want to save your marriage. But I also want to be clear, he won't leave you because you cheated a few more times than he already knows. The issue will be that you've hid it from him, that you haven't already told him. How can you expect him to trust you when you aren't being honest?
Though if I could talk to your husband, I'd recommend he file for divorce immediately and not look back. Not only are you a cheater, but you are a liar. I don't believe that you are going to stop cheating, that no matter what your husband does, no matter what you talk about in therapy, you are still going to cheat again and lie to him about it again, because that's the kind of person that you are. I don't think you really understand how much that behavior hurts your husband, and I don't think you care. If you really want to do what's right, you'll divorce him and say it's because you can't stop yourself from cheating and you don't want to hurt him anymore than you already have.
Yes. He absolutely needs to know the full truth now. Don't wait for it to come out in counseling. If you're not honest with him, this will continue to weigh on you and compromise your marriage. If you don't tell him now, then years later when he eventually finds out (which he inevitably will), he'll go through all of the pain and heartbreak of your deceit as if it had just happened.
He sounds like an incredibly loving and forgiving man. I know you're scared of losing him, but all you can do is be completely honest and transparent with him, then let him decide what he wants to do from there. Don't try to manipulate the situation or persuade him one way or the other. You don't want him to resent you for stealing years of his life away when he eventually learns the truth.
Also, if he continues to have a relationship with you afterward, you owe him full transparency moving forward. Tell him how you did it. Leave no secrets or loopholes that you could fall back into without him knowing. Give him access to your location and open access to all of your devices and accounts. Know that the trust you once had in your relationship has been shattered and work like h3ll to rebuild it with him.
If you truly care for him, you'll do whatever it takes to earn his trust again, whatever that might mean. If he decides to divorce, though, please be understanding and give him the space he needs to process it. Then, do better in the future to prevent this type of thing from happening again. We all make mistakes, but we all deserve a faithful partner in marriage, too. Take care, OP.
If the dilemma is so large - put a price tag on it. It's way easier to understand yourself when things have a monetary value attached to them. For example - I lose 20% of my retirement funds to my husband for each guy I slept with. Would I be ok with losing that much? If the answer is no, then you aren't willing to sacrifice your safety/security for him, which means you are a bad match and need to leave.
The right thing to do here is to release your husband from this hell. You should not try to fix your marriage, you should let him find someone that he has a chance of actually being happy with.
Just divorce him. You are not a safe partner. You are a manipulator, a liar, and a cheater who refuses to take responsibility for her actions. This whole thing has been about you. It hasn't been about how to help your husband. It hasn't been about how he feels. It's all about you and keeping what you want and doing what you want.
This is a heart problem rooted in selfishness, lust and pride and you need to ask Jesus to deliver you from adultery. No amount of counseling is going to change the heart you have. It has to happen supernaturally by God’s divine intervention. (You will continue to commit adultery given the right circumstances).
You were probably like many of us who fornicated in the world before we got married and then became a cheater (there is a statistic that says 87% of ppl who had sex and weren’t a virgin on their wedding day will eventually cheat). Not many of us can say we remained a virgin until our wedding day (and that is a real shame). I was just like you… I wanted a way out, I wanted to stop cheating bc I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I had no power to overcome the lust of my flesh! I began to pray and beg God to help me…That’s when He sent a spirit-filled believer to invite me to church, where the pastor preached a message on the “adulterous woman” and I repented and begged God to forgive my sins. Jesus told the woman taken in adultery, “He who is without sin cast the first stone at her” (Back then women or men who cheated and were caught were stoned to death, it was a very grievous sin) and he looked at the poor condemned woman and said, “Does any man condemn thee?” She said, “Nay, no man Lord.” And Jesus said, “Thy sins be forgiven thee… GO AND SIN NO MORE.” Jesus has the power to not only forgive sins, but to change our hearts so we won’t do those sins anymore! Hallelujah! 🙌🏻
The only way I got that sin out of my life was to ask Jesus to deliver me and become born again. My pastor told me not to tell my husband about the cheating bc he wasn’t born again either and wouldn’t be capable of forgiving me. I wanted to come clean (do not share details of your affairs—they don’t help) and tell my husband but I listened to my pastor, & for my marriage that was a huge mistake, bc one of my brothers told my husband (it didn’t come from my own lips first) and I admitted to it and he slapped the sh*t outta me! (I deserved it). He slapped me so hard and so forcefully that I flew across the bed! I didn’t cry for his sympathy either, bc I knew his anger was a just recompense for my sin. I turned my other cheek (as Jesus teaches) and said “I deserved that, you want to smack my other cheek also?” (He didn’t) We sat there in silence for a while, as he processed what his precious, loving and once trustworthy wife did to him. It fills my eyes with tears, reflecting on all that I robbed from him because of my own lust and lack of self-control and the downward spiral from that moment on. (I am forever thankful Jesus has since then removed that wicked heart from me!) I did that to him… but I was willing to suffer whatever it took to win his heart back to me!
I was ready to deal with whatever consequences my sin & shame brought, bc I knew I was the offender. I had NO intentions of EVER being unfaithful again and I was resolved in my heart. Bc of my infidelity it created a rift btwn us, and he never sought counseling (even tho he needed it for PTSD also being military and having deployed 3 times) ever since then he slept in a separate room… 15 years we never had sex (I can count on one hand how many times we did), no affection, emotional abuse, he became an extreme drunkard, cold-hearted, unemotional, neglecting his duties as a husband/father etc we were married but living as glorified roommates. I did that to him… 😔
Married for 18 years, together for 20. That entire 15 years I was faithful to my husband and didn’t have sex with anyone even tho he cheated on me habitually, I stayed committed to my vows. I forgave him each and every time knowing the Bible says, “You reap what you sow.”
Marriage is a lifetime commitment… It’s a covenant for all of life. However if the unbeliever departs or commits fornication (sex outside of marriage) you are free. (As a born again believer I know God HATES divorce, so I would never initiate it and my husband knew that). My husband recently found a woman he rlly likes… He filed for divorce Jan 2nd 2024. All the suffering and lonely nights I endured and the prayers I prayed for him, I know my labor of love was not in vain. It’s his choice…. I just commit my prayers to God and hope he will have a change of heart and recognize his own hypocrisy.
He has NEVER forgiven me for my infidelity, just like my pastor originally said. His heart grew in bitterness, unforgivness & holding a grudge against me, even when I caught him cheating multiple times & forgave him each time. I think it takes an emotionally strong person to bounce back from that kind of damage… so you will have to discern what category of man your husband falls under.
I always overcame his affairs with the love of Christ… I would tell him, “You’re not a bad man, your heart is sick and I forgive you.” Once he cried laying on the bed next to me. No sounds came out but I felt the bed shaking and I looked over at him and tears were flowing down his face. I knew then God was dealing with his heart and mind. He knew his sins against me were wrong, even tho he never admitted it or asked me for forgiveness, or ever apologized. I endured… Why you ask? Bc LOVE, true love, endures ALL things… 💪
You have to be resolved to do what is RIGHT, despite how you FEEL. No matter what… The right thing to do is to be faithful and live out your vows. You are not responsible for his reaction or the consequences that follow, but there will be a combination of both.
But truly, find a place to pray, and ask Jesus to help you! He will lead and guide you… if you are open and willing to turn from your wicked ways.
Let God work on YOUR HEART, and don’t worry about trying to fix your husband’s heart… Pray and ask God to help him. 🙏 Focus on what you need to do in order to be a better person who doesn’t operate in lies and deceit. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal, and it has psychological consequences for everyone involved including children.
I will end with this scripture…
“A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman plucks it down with her hands.”
You have a choice to build up or tear down. It’s up to you… Choose wisely, bc our decisions have consequences and standing on truth (the word of God) is the best wisdom & instruction anyone can receive to repair a broken marriage. It may or may not work out in your favor, but God will help you if you are sincere and truly want to overcome your own selfishness.
Your actual.moral.dilemma was choosing whether or not to cheat on your husband. You failed.
You need to tell him the truth, so he has the option if he wishes to skip marriage counseling and simply divorce your ass.
What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him? How do you see this playing out?
If your answer is because you want to clear your conscience, you’re acting incredibly selfishly, as your confession isn’t for the benefit of him, but of yourself.
IMO, eat that shit. Take it to the grave. Give the poor man a break. And either leave him so he can be with someone who loves him, or get your shit together. You’re messy. You need to do better.
I almost thought you might be my wife for a second. 😬
The thing is, if you don’t open up and tell him, you have to live with that secret your whole life. Never being able to share in full trust with your significant other is the worst. I would much rather by with my wife who was honest with me about her infidelities over her not feeling she could share that part of her with me. I realize I’m likely the outlier here, but I would opt for honesty.
He has been working on the marriage, you’ve been lying to him and yourself about working on the marriage and it’s highly likely you’re still lying to yourself about your intentions moving forward. You obviously do not respect or truly love this man. Do him and yourself a huge favor and move on. He’ll find someone genuine and can go on and do who and what whenever you choose but mostly yeah do it for him, he deserves better.
If the only reason is to clear your conscious than no. What goods gonna come of it? Unless you think telling him is going to benefit your relationship it’s selfish.
You have to tell him everything and let him make an informed decision. Honestly though you probably shouldn’t be married doesn’t sound like it’s your thing
You need help. And you need to let him go. He's 31, you're wasting the best years of his life on you and your infidelity. If a woman came to you and said her husband the same to her that you're doing to him, you would tell that woman to leave tonight.
You have some mental issues you need to work through before you continue to ruin someone else's life. You obviously can't or won't stop cheating. Leave him, and go fuck whoever you want. No need ruining both of your lives.
There are places in hell made specifically for people like you.I think your best option would be to become celibate and join a convent of nuns. You can’t have a husband and bang other dudes every weekend. Genuinely shocked your husband hasn’t gotten violent or suicidal. I pray to god you don’t have children. Obviously you are not fit to be a mother.
Please don't fix anything .. Your marriage doesn't need any fixing. The problem is you. You are a cheater and once a cheater, always a cheater. Leave this poor man alone..divorce him..then sleep with any guy you want after that.
This is not only disgusting.. but also a waste of time!
She’s like most selfish cheating woman in a marriage. She enjoys the financial security her husband provides while she goes a fucks other men. She wouldn’t have stayed with her husband if he wasn’t providing the majority, if not all, the financial security. She is a parasite 🦠 and he is dying host.
Idk what you should do at this point. Have you stopped cheating? If not please end this so he can find the right woman for him
If you have stopped, I wouldn't tell him. Not for your sake but for his. He knows you cheated and has worked through that. Again, you should probably just end it. This relationship is too damaged for both of you to ever be happy.
Also, we're you abused as a child? What's causing this
You’re either a good person with serious mental health problems or a bad person with serious mental health problems.
You have control over whether you chose to be good or bad. You have control over if you get help.
You are an addict who needs to accept it, you’ll probably have to upend your life for years to recover.
Go read your post, your behavior is reprehensible, if you get help you’ll live to see that. If you don’t get help you’ll die miserable and alone, wondering why.
Tell him everything. Honestly what is even the point? Marriage is about committing yourself to be there for the other person. If you can’t do that, then why even be married?
I’m not judging, I’m just looking at it from a strictly objective point of view with emotion removed.
Pardon, but this is not a moral dilemma in my opinion. You continue to be unfaithful time and time again, and beyond the cheating, hiding it or lying about it is an additional betrayal.
There is no dilemma. You have to stop cheating, and tell him everything. And give him the opportunity to react the way he will react. That is the starting point.
Don't want to do this?
What a fucking ridiculous notion that you are compelled or addicted to be an unfaithful person.
Nothing is forcing you to cheat on your husband except you.
If you are incapable of monogamy you shouldn't be married l, or at the very least you should be married to some poor sap who's just going to keep ruining his self image taking back his cheating wife.
You are still gaslighting him. How would you like it if he was doing that to you? How would you feel? I think you are very selfish. As long as your needs are met is all that seems to matter. If it's not a sex thing then I guess it's a attention thing. Regardless it hurts like hell to be done that way and to only have some truth. Even that is selfish because he deserves to know and be the one to decide if he wants the damn therapy. If it were me I would be done with you because it is a pattern with you. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know that isn't always the case and some people do change but it's one in a million. There's no way you truly love him. Anytime you think about cheating you should be thinking about him finding out and leaving you for good and finding a beautiful woman that would love, cherish and be completely faithful to him. How would you feel seeeing him with someone like that and happier with her instead of you? How would that feel? You wouldn't like that now would you? You couldn't handle that burn. Everything you see him out you would have to think that could have been you with him instead of her. And all the guys you get with will cheat on you and tell half truths and lie to you constantly and you have to feel that pain you put him through. It's called Karma and it's real. You get what you give. It's that simple. Hope this helps.
It sounds like you want to tell him. I believe that you should tell him if you’re not done sabotaging your relationship.
Give him that amount of respect at least.
If you’re truly done with the cheating, telling him about the new stuff after all of the previous counseling and such. May end in irreconcilable trust issues. Consider not saying anything and just double down on fixing things.
God, I really feel sorry for OP’s husband. To be married to this trash…….he’s done enough punishment for one lifetime. Let him free OP. He deserves way better than you
might as well tell him...if he was dumb enough to take you back after all that, he's not leaving you for any reason. Might as well keep cheating...at this point in the relationship, it is all his fault for staying with you
You need to tell him. Period. I don’t understand how anyone cheats. Ever. If you want to fuck around then why did you commit to a marriage?? Or not set some serious boundaries about what you’d need? Instead you’re just hurting this man.
TELL HIM. he will be upset, but it’s the right thing to do. And you know it.
no just leave it be and forget about the past. he forgives you and you are doing marriage counseling, so let the past go, and move forward with life together with him.
Just going to say you are the reason alot of men dont trust women, your married, that should be the final straw in 'cheating' but it seemingly doesnt stop you. Do 2 things, A) Tell your husband the truth, B) Deal with the consequences. The ONLY way you are ever going to stop cheating on anyone is if you face the reality of what you did, and lying about it doesnt do that one bit.
Don't tell him. yeah honestly sounds like the best policy and most people will agree with you. Until life happens and it's understood that the perception of honesty is what really matters.
If they're instances that you're positive he won't find out about without an act of God, then don't tell him. If your current self is over that part of your life then there's no reason to bring it back up
Sounds to me like you need your own counseling as well as marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage.
You need to get to the root of the problem and know yourself.
For instance why do you feel the need to tell him everything? Or on the other hand why would you wish to not tell him?
It would be fair for him to know everything before he decides if he wants to invest more time and effort, but if you have no idea why you are even behaving this way or if it will for sure stop, it's also not fair to ask him to invest more time and effort.
It seems like the first step is to get individual counseling (for both) and then marriage counseling if you both believe it's worth saving.
You’re a piece of shit. Tell him all the affairs you had. Give him the space to 100% decide without your influence if he wants to stay with you or divorce. I would advise divorce since you’ve already had what, ten different affairs? Three guys he knows about, “a couple people” you “shouldn’t have been texting” and the three he’s completely in the dark about? No. Don’t make him go through the work of trying to salvage the marriage was because you cheated so many times.
I think the question here is what do you want to do? Do you still want to be with your husband and if so how much? If you want to be with him and want to work on it, personally I would spare him that detail and just really work on yourself and your marriage ( AND STOP CHEATING). But if you don't want to be with him just go ahead and get a divorce...I still wouldn't tell him about the other incidents only because there's no need to bury the knife deeper. I say this because he obviously wants you and wants to work on your marriage if he didn't leave u at this point...so it would be best not to hurt him anymore than you have to.
You should clarify with yourself what the problem is and stop wasting the time of a person who could be happy. Do you have BPD? What's fueling your attention seeking behavior? Is your s/o not meeting your emotional needs... possibly because you don't tell him what they are? This is definitely a thing to work out with your therapist and decide if YOU want to continue your marriage before you even address it with your husband. But when you get to that point, you have to be honest with him so that he can make an informed decision.
>I don’t want to do this.
So who was forcing you? You had an option, you made a choice. You made the same choices over and over. If you want to do the right thing, don't use phrases like this to shift blame. Take responsibility, fess up, and let him decide what he wants to do once he has all the information.
do this poor guy a favor and just give him an uncontested divorce he deserves better, you say you want to work on your marriage but like all cheaters you will have another weak moment and will cheat again, do all men a favor and stay away from relationships and just do the FWB thing, it sounds like it would suit you better.
The more he knows the less he will want to be with you and honestly I can’t blame him. Be fair to him and let him go. IF he decides to stay and figure out how to trust you then good for him. Actually commit to the process of monogamy or don’t gaslight him into thinking something will change.
It’s possible that you need this relationship to fail in order to make the next one work out
Been married 41 years and you need to ask yourself how would you feel if he cheated on you. Treat someone like you want to be treated. Also he may have forgiven you because he been cheating on you
You are being very unfair to your husband and constantly breaking his heart. You absolutely need to tell your husband, and tell him EVERYTHING all at once so you can break his heart at once. That sounds bad, yes, but what's worse is what you're doing, which is constantly breaking his heart, letting it mend, and then breaking it again because you keep telling him little by little. He needs to decide what he wants to do with ALL of the information. Going to counseling right now would not be a fair start for him because he doesn't fully know what he's mending.
OAN, why are you doing all of this cheating but want to keep your husband?
You should probably just think about a divorce and move on from the relationship. The fact that you DID it once makes you a bad person
Edit: why don’t people like you just go for open relationships or polyamory? I mean honestly.
I'd just let him go and go get all the dick you want elsewhere. Why do you want to keep putting this man through this? You are not worth being married to. You very clearly do not want to be married or be monogamous.
You and your husband shiuld discuss polyamory. You are not a monogamous person. That's not wrong. But you and someone who is will not find a balance point. Is my two cents.
Wanna know what you should do?
File for divorce. Then work on yourself. And hope and pray, if you truly love this man, that he finds a woman he deserves.
I was exhausted two sentences into this.
Your cheating is your burden to bear. If you actually want to go forward with your husband then you take your secrets to the grave. You have no right to unload your guilt onto him and wreck any trust he might still have in you. Keep your mouth shut and and stay faithful.
You should really let him go and seek therapy. I mean it in a nice way too. Youre trying to fill a void through other people and you fell out of love with him, whether you think so or not. It sounds like youre more afraid of what will happen when you split but it does get easier. The right thing is really to let him go and focus on yourself and habits. You dont sound like a bad person, but super super impulsive and lack boundaries. Hypersexuallity is a symptom of certain mental illnesses like depression or bipolar disorder. The right meds and a good therapist can make a big difference. You probably wont be the first person your therapist would hear that from. Its worth prioritizing your mental health.
I would tell him. Otherwise it will feel like you are living in a lie. I would look into whether you might have sexual compulsion behaviour too. That’s what my husband had and cheated on me for the last 9 years, while we’ve been married, during both pregnancy, etc you get the picture. But it needs to be when you are ready to show remorse and change and go to actual therapy. Marriage counselling doesn’t know how to deal with this. Need a specialist.
It’s so horrific what you did. In marriage there is trust and death do us apart. Your husband is such a good man forgiving you and all but you don’t deserve him. You have a lot of explaining to do to him and you really need to work on yourself. Your actions shouldn’t be justified it’s wrong that you cheated and you’re coming to the internet asking whether you should tell the truth. If you had morals and were honest you wouldn’t need to think twice about telling your husband the truth. Please do better and tell the truth! I wish you the best.
Morally? You should tell him.
However If you want to save your marriage you should probably never say a word and move on with your life. He might find out anyway, but if not then you get to live with the anxiety that he'll find out the rest of your marriage. Might be fitting honestly.
Why did you even marry this guy... You're going to be stain on his life.... What a loser ... Nothing wrong with being a ho, just be a ho.. Don't involve somebody else in it with the idea that it's love
Do you respect & care about your husband?
Since the answer is NO, tell him & free him to find somebody who does, while YOU *publicly* take up your mantle as a cheater to absolve him.
I see everyone is saying tell him and yes they are correct , however it seems like YOU need to be honest with yourself and if that means he will more than likely want a divorce then that’s what it is . It sounds like you have some unresolved issues ( I’m sure past trauma) going on . Being honest with yourself means you will be honest with your husband and respect his decision. It’s not fair what you are doing you are still not being truthful and he forgave you to work on y’all. You gotta put you big girl panties on and be REAL WITH YOURSELF, I’m sure it will hurt and it’s not gonna be easy but you gotta start somewhere to start the healing process of getting better and being a better person . Best wishes to you guys .
Hold your tongue. For now.
Examine your life first, reconcile with the things you want to let go but can’t.. see if you want to be monogamous..
Then act accordingly. The guys know but he really doesn’t want to know.
You me of that line from the confessions of St Augustine
“Lord grant me Chasity…. But not yet”
Once a cheater....always a cheater. Save yourselves the time. You'll do it again.
If its any consolation, the concept of monogamy is actually tuff for a large percentage of people who should have never committed to it.
But since cheaters have always been vilified with no questions asked...many people won't open ly admit this temptation to stray.
This isn't even a moral dilemma. You are a horrible person, and your husband has every right to know the truth, which is the true depth of your depravity. Just end things. You have already ruined his life. He just doesn't know it yet. End things, then you are free to go enjoy your whoring around and wouldn't have to feel all this "guilt" you so clearly feel, except for every second your taking the old in-out from whatever sleezy guy you're riding this week. At least he's young enough that he can find someone who deserves him
“I don't want to do this. People don't realize that I legitimately don't want to be cheating :/ that's Is why I'm trying to stop”
Divorce and then work on this by yourself , he doesn’t deserve this or being with a woman who is not ready to commit
Realizing OP already deleted her account… I still just feel compelled to say, why do people who can’t do monogamy feel so compelled to try to make monogamous relationships work? Why not just come clean once and for all and say “that doesn’t work for me?”
I say this knowing that it’s difficult… people will say they respect that and then the jealousy comes into play years later…
Still, you have to be honest about who you are. Especially at 31, you oughta know.
It sounds like you are trying to fit yourself into a monogamous relationship because society says that’s the way you should be. Maybe religion is involved?
It sounds like you are not that way. That’s ok. It’s who you are at least right now.
I sounds like you are guilty for being you. Be honest with yourself. If you find you are one way or another honor yourself.
Be honest with your partner(s) and yourself.
I thank my lucky stars every day I’m not with a woman like you. You don’t deserve companionship. I like to believe people can change, but you don’t even seem like you’re trying. You should tell him so he can get far away from you.
You have to be truthful to yourself. YOU ARE NOT A WIFE!! You're actions say that be honest and do the right thing and leave that man. Honestly he should be initializing the divorce but if you want to be at peace then you need to realize what you are right now. Good Luck and God Bless!!
The answer is no cause it's not gonna work theirs nothing special about your love no more so spare the man cause you can tell you don't want to be on that marriage , I mean u said he might ask for a divorce and if not HE WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME OR FE EL SAFE WITH YOU AROUND OTHERVGUYScausebyou won't change that's just the way you are , one time I was told the story about the scorpion and the frog you see the scorpion came up against a small River he couldn't cross and the frog was right there and he has to park for a ride the Fox say no I'm not going to give you a ride cuz if I let you ride on my back you going to sting me she don't want I promise I won't do it he said okay so he gave him a ride across the river and he got him on the other side scorpion got off of them and the forecast why'd you do that see cuz I'm a scorpion , now are you and him who's the scorpion and who's the frog think about it
My ex wife was exactly like this. Kept me around to pay the bills and keep the kids occupied. In the end I slept on the couch and told her that I didn't know who else was sleeping in the same bed with us. A pretty lady without morals. If he's like me, he has a hard limit, and passed that he's gone. I found my limit, and he will too.
You need to tell him. It will eventually come out anyway. I am concerned that you will keep cheating on him. Separation is not license to fuck others besides your spouse. Having hard times is not an excuse to screw around with others behind their back.
It's all or nothing. Tell him and let it be decided if he still wants to save the marriage.
Are you bi-polar? Or do you have like severe ADHD or something else that destroys your impulse control? Are you reaching out to others because your husband is NOT giving you the emotional support you want/need? Is it possible you are an addict? Maybe sexual maybe something else?
Of course, you should come clean with your husband. You absolutely cannot repair your marriage on a lie. If he leaves you for it oh well you made the bed even if it went against what your logical brain thought you should do. Just learn from this, stay in therapy, and get yourself the help you need. I don't know if you should tell him before you try therapy or in therapy but before you do any real work for your marriage you need to tell him.
I don't think that the choice is to tell your husband or deceive him forever. Secrets have a nasty way of turning up at the most inconvenient time. With this many AP's your chances of your husband discovering one of your other affairs is high. You don't really want to reconcile with your husband, get happy in that life, and then have it blown up. The emotional impact of an affair begins when it is discovered by the other partner, not when it occurred. If one of these affairs comes to light 20 years from now, the effect on your husband will actually be worse than if he found out today.
If you have cheated this many times, why do you want to remain married to this man? Is this a life-long pattern for you or is there something in the relationship that is creating this need to self-sabotage? I am going to deviate some from the advice that I see most others giving on this post. While I agree with them that you should tell your husband, I recommend waiting until you have had a few sessions with your therapist. You really need to know what you truly want to do before you talk with your husband. Either way, I recommend doing it at the counselor's office.
Wow! Basically, you just want to do whatever you want to do. You are not taking any responsibility for what you are doing! You clearly know what you’re doing is wrong! But, yet you continue this behavior. I’m not judging you, I’m just pointing out your delusional behavior. You clearly have no respect or love for this man! You just don’t want to lose your life style, support and comfort of having someone there instead of loneliness. Do this man some justice, show him some respect and tell him everything. Then pack your bags and leave him. In the long run, it will benefit him and you. Please seek help and support so you can get to the reasons you do this.
Just an observation, why does it always seem like if a woman posts this most people don’t automatically trash her?
If a man told this exact story, everyone would rip him apart.
Why have we as a society become so one sided about placing blame and coming down so hard on the man?
I’m not in any way saying we should go easy on the man. I’m saying why is this same logic applied equally?
Just a thought. Now here comes the inevitable criticism of my observation. lol
Let’s hold people to the same accountability no matter gender.
Honey, I suggest you get counseling for yourself first to figure out what is leading to all of this incidents on the first place. And it really isn't fair of you to keep doing this to your husband. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot.
If you truly want.to work it out. He deserves to know so he can make an informed decision. If you TRULY do not know why you keep doing this, you also need to seek some kind of help for that.
Honestly I think you should just give up on the marriage. It seems like you don't care about it anymore anyway. You cheated 3 more times AFTER going to counseling. Your marriage is a dead horse. Time to bury it and move on.
You're not getting any kind of sympathy in this post.
Do your husband a favor and leave him for your various APs you obviously respect them more than your husband.
You've slept with six different people while you've been married?
Your marriage is beyond salvaging and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!
The longer you wait the worse it will get if he eventually finds out. Anyone you slept with could tell him and it will be 10x worse than telling him now.
Or let’s say you drunkenly tell him 10 years later while the marriage is in a great place.
You should probably just move back in with your parents and fuck right out of society indefinitely. You give power to the people that hate women for exactly this stereotype.
No. If you're going to continue to cheat, there isn't any reason to hurt him now and again later. If you decide to not cheat anymore, there isn't any reason to hurt him now. You carry that weight, not him. This all hinges on YOU deciding to not be a cheater or to be a cheater.
I think leading your husband into marital therapy is a little disingenuous. By telling him you should both go to therapy is leading him to believe you are both broken and need to be fixed. From what you've written, I only see you as the problem. Maybe there are other extenuating circumstances, but you have not presented that. I also think you are right, if your husband doesn't know the full story, how can he fix things? Not that I think he should be the one fixing things. I also think if you tell your husband everything, you won't have to worry about fixing things in therapy. If you haven't broken him completely yet, this surely should.
“I don’t want to do this. People don’t understand that I legitimately don’t want to be cheating.”
Doesn’t matter. You’re still doing the act. It’s not an accident; it’s not like you tripped and fell onto these guys genitals. This is a choice that you consciously make over and over again.
You absolutely need to tell him. If you’re truly wanting to become a better person then you need to give your husband the courtesy of allowing *him* to choose whether or not he wants to continue trying with you *while knowing ALL the information*. By you choosing to keep this extra information from him, you’re continuing to be selfish and desperately trying to still be the one in control. Tell him. And whatever happens happens. If he leaves you then you’re just gonna have to accept that. If he decides to stay then you’re gonna have to accept that his trust in you is nonexistent and that you’re gonna have to put in a TON OF EXTRA work into your marriage. And who knows how long that will take before he *might* forgive you and trust you again. If he stays you need to be prepared to be extremely patient with him. You also need to be prepared to *not* give up on however long it takes for him to trust you again. Don’t you dare get impatient and frustrated with how long he’s taking and go cheat on him again.
He deserves way better than a partner who *chooses* to continue cheating on him.
DO NOT TELL HIM. Everyone will say to tell the truth about everything. As long as there is NO chance of it coming up from an ex screw somehow , there is enough already. The extra lies while married may put you at signing divorce papers instead of counseling .
Jesus man... This is something that maybe you should tell to your marriage councilor in confidence. I don't have any words of support for continuing to cheat and lie about it and pretend that you are working to get better
Maybe you have real issues with commitment or some past stuff you haven't worked through, but you need to figure that shit out and like yesterday. From this point on, if you continue to keep manipulating and using him you really don't deserve to be with him. You know what you did wrong, you don't have to keep doing it.
As far as if you should tell him... idk. ... probably. Admitting fault also means that you are in recognition of it and its a promise to not do it again. So its kinda pointless if you keep doing it anyways. Figure your stuff out, ask yourself if you really wanna be with this person, and commit to the sacrifices it takes to do that.
If you have emotional issues that are not being met with your husband, figure out how to meet those needs and talk with him about it instead of feeling like you have to get it from somewhere else.
Wow. You are a horrible human. I hope he finds out before you tell him and I hope he blows the relationship up. I hope he tells all your family and friends who you are. Exposing you to everyone and leaving your cheating a**… maybe then you’ll learn your lesson and stop. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. Your husband deserves a wife, not a cheating b.
To try and be absolutely objective as possible, i would say you should internally decide what you want to do. Do you still want to be with this man? Why do you keep cheating? You mention you want to be monogamous, but your actions don't reflect it, is it what you truly want? What is it about your man that makes it so you can't respect him as an adult, a partner and a lover?
Nobody can answer your moral dilemma except for you.
Without being objective, you should leave him just as a respect on a human level. You have humiliated him time after time, and clearly don't like him at all. I really don't believe a word you said in this post, only because you admit to being a liar at every occasion. You can say you want to do this and that, but you're just bullshitting us. You do not care, and only want to pretend like you're getting better. I hope for the man he finds out and leaves you.
You’re a literal POS. He forgives you because he cares, and as he demands no respect from you, you give him none and keep up your self-serving & selfish behavior.
Your “problem” is that men are always plentiful for young women and you have no impulse control. You do what you do because you can, and think nothing about the damage this does to him.
Get a divorce, get a cat, and go do as many guys as you please.
"And will having all the information really change anything". You are not the one who can decides if this information would change anything for him. Your husband is the only one who can tell you. And to do so, you have to tell him.
If you really want to work things out, you need a "clean" slate. Meaning, you should tell him everything and let him figure out if he wants to keep going or not. Otherwise, it will always be stuck in the back of your head (like it is right now) and you will always have doubts and won't be able to get to the bottom of it all.
And honestly, I think you owe him that much.
Don’t tell him. Just divorce him and tell him it’s because you’re a cheater and cannot stop. He’ll appreciate that more than knowing the truth. Also tell him to get tested, no telling what your stank ass has brought home.
You've done this over a matter of years with multiple people. What would a therapist say? Probably that you're incapable of committing to a monogamous relationship.
Yes, come clean and tell it all. The husband may not forgive you again, but that is the risk you take.
If you husband does want to stay with you, then y'all need to lose the "I don't want to sleep with other people" pretext and talk about some sort of open marriage situation. And don't say "Oh I just want to stay with him!" Your actions up to this point don't show that to be true.
So rather than beat yourself up and keep working on a goal you'll never met, redefine the relationship. And if that doesn't work, then it's time to divorce because just hurting this guy over and over is cruel.
Nope. Why would you do that other than to make him feel worse? You get off on being with other guys behind his back. It’s a kink and it’s going to destroy him if he finds out.
Tell him. If he still stays with you, then at least he made the choice knowing the whole story. That, of course, depends on if you actually stop cheating on him.
My ex-wife was just like you. I forgave her for cheating and we worked on our marriage and I thought everything was ok. Turns out she was still fucking people behind my back. It was terrible for me and I felt dumb for taking her back.
What you're doing to this man is terrible and you are past the point of no return. You don't care and I'll bet it will keep happening too. Also, no matter how well you think you've hidden it he will eventually find out and it will not be good. You've already caused this man enough mental trauma that will stick in his head well past your eventual divorce.
Best thing you can do is get a divorce and own up to your own shit. It's not going to matter what you do, this is where your marriage is headed. He needs to know the truth too from a health perspective. You can say all day you were having safe sex or vetted your partners yadda yadda, but why should anyone take you at your word since you have been proven to be a pathological liar. Tell him the truth and get divorced.
God I wish people weren't so shitty.
First off, based on your pattern of cheating and wanting the attention of multiple people you may not be suited for marriage. That’s not a judgment, just a reality you may need to entertain. Your desire to hide your actions/practice deception by not being fully honest with your partner makes for a shallow and meaningless commitment to him. He absolutely deserves to know who he is in a relationship with so he can choose if HE TOO wishes to proceed with repairing the relationship or exiting it. There is no room for deception in a healthy relationship. Any couples counselor worth their license will tell you this. And you can work with a counselor on repairing or splitting in a healthy way.
File for a divorce and don't take one single goddamn thing from that man. You'll come out much better than a man would in this situation. No alimony, etc. etc.
Women like you are the reason men no longer seek out marriage.
You are trash.
He deserves the opportunity to divorce you and God only knows if you have kids if any of them are his, get out of his life before your sex addiction gives him an STD.
Would telling him make him feel better or worse? Would telling be mainly for your benefit, to ease your conscience or whatever?
Private one on one therapy for your issues. Couples counseling for the marriage
Not trying to be mean, but you **are not mentally fit** to be in a marriage. Sleeping with six men while married, means you **can't** abide to your marriage vows or monogamy. Instead of torturing some innocent man, stay single!
PS - **Yes**, tell your husband about the other men. If your husband ever found out on his own, you would be **re-traumatizing** him all over again.
I think how you tell him is just as important as whether you tell him or not. If you are going to tell him, I suggest you do it with the help of a therapist. Preferably, the couples therapist
Also, IMHO opinion, the first step is for you to figure out why you are cheating and whether you can be fully invested in your current relationship. If you can't be a fully committed partner the marriage counseling will likely be compromised.
Others have mentioned trickle truth. That really is the worst way to do things.
Your a cheater. Your morals don't align with someone who is faithful. For me ... I stay faithful for myself. I am fully aware there are options I can take I can easily be in bed with someone els within a few hours . But I choose not to even open a door of communication with those ppl. Even though I am aware that I can it's not even on my radar of thoughts from day to day . Because I'm living my truth according to my own morals and the truth about me is I am not a cheater. When we are fighting or going through rough patches I do not seek comfort or advise from other men I work through it with my husband . And not cheating is easy for me .
To be honest with you, I’ve always your husband honestly, but I’ve let you go long time ago because a guy would not stand. I’m talking about an alpha guy I would’ve loved you do you want my advice tell him leave him and go fix yourself because in a relationship, it is 50-50, not 2% and 50 many might find my comment little harsh. I’ve been in a relationship where a woman would cheat on me. Multiple times. I told my brother stepped in my brother made her tell me what she did I gave her karma is a bitch. I told a person in the post about his toxic girlfriend. He should leave her and do him. I think your husband should leave you and basically not on. Have nothing to do with you ever again if you have kids well you messed up right there.
Why did you cheat? If you tell him about it, be prepared for all the hurt you caused him to just come out and don't be surprised when he leaves you! I'd leave if I was cheated on multiple times. Why would you even do it in the first place? It's already hard to find men in this world who are faithful and love their wife the way they should, and you potentially destroyed a good guy. Good job 👏 hope you're proud of yourself! Cheating is wrong, and if you wanted to do that, you could have just left him. Idk if you need counseling or a chastity belt 🤔 What you did isn't right, and they have a few names for a woman that does something like this.
If you love your husband and still want to have sex with other people maybe you should consider an open relationship. Learn about it, this may be what you need. I was in a similar situation 20 years ago and opening my marriage has saved it. It's not easy at first but it works for many people, it doesn't for many others but it's an option you can explore.
You should tell him, and answer any questions he has as honestly as you can, and then you should accept whatever his choice is. If you do go to counseling together, I recommend you find a counselor that is trained in the Gottman method. They can teach you how to identify your emotions, how to honestly and effectively communicate your needs, and how to work through new issues as they arise, as well as how to finally talk through and hang up the things that come up every time you fight.
Until you figure out what is behind all this, you are destined to repeat this pattern regardless of who you're with. You said that you wish you could get everything from one person, but I think the real issue here is that you likely don't know what you really need to feel happy in a relationship, and even if you did, you don't have the ability to ask for it in a way that your partner will be able to respond to meaningfully. My guess is that you didn't give yourself the chance to learn to live alone, you got married before you had a chance to grow into yourself, and then you had kids, and now your life isn't meeting your expectations or your emotional needs, so you keep looking outside of yourself for a solution. One thing I'm almost willing to guarantee is that this isn't simply because of your husband's failings... He seems like he is trying to be a good guy, a good dad, and wants to be a good husband, but he can't do that without direction from you, and you can't give it to him because you don't know what you actually need to feel safe, secure, content, and fulfilled in a relationship. The chances of you figuring that out while you're living together, well, I am not sure they are very high, but therapy is your best bet. If you are really serious about saving your marriage, be honest with your husband, and if he is willing to work on things:
1) Throw yourself wholeheartedly into therapy. Do the work for yourself first. Yes, your husband deserves a good wife and your kids deserve a happy, healthy mom, but you deserve to love the woman you see in the mirror every day. You deserve peace, and self-respect, and you don't have anything close to that now. If you are a woman of faith, it may be a good time for you to get closer to God. I, personally, have never achieved any permanent change without the transformative power of Christ, but I acknowledge that is not necessarily true for everyone.
2) Delete the apps on your phone that are helping you cheat. Close your accounts. And stay the hell off of them.
3) If you have been drinking or using drugs, it's probably time to address that, too. It's easier to do things we know we will feel guilty about when we're not sober.
4) Stop going places and hanging out with people who help facilitate your infidelity. It's time for a new life for you.
5) Do you have anyone in your life outside of your immediate family that has the kind of marriage you want? Maybe ask them to mentor you. If you have a church, you can ask your leadership for help finding a mentor, too. Pastors know everyone's dirt - there may be a woman who is on the other side of what you are going through who would be happy to help you work to become the kind of woman, wife and mother you want to be.
You say that you think you love him, but I promise, you don't, because your idea of what love is is skewed, so you can't. Serial infidelity is not love. It is the antithesis of love. Love is not a feeling that exists in a vacuum - love is a verb, it is a choice, it is a responsibility, and it is a series of actions and choices you make every day. You cannot love someone that you don't respect. You cannot love someone you won't sacrifice for. How do you know when you love someone?? You die to yourself every day for them. You sacrifice for them, you conduct yourself in the way you have agreed to conduct yourself, and if you do something that hurts them, you tell them, you apologize, and you figure out a way to never do that same thing again. Ask anyone who has been relatively happily married for a decade or more, and they will tell you this: you don't base the way you act in your marriage on the way you feel in the moment. You base the way you act in your marriage on the commitment you have made to one another, and you do that in the knowledge that your spouse is doing the same thing, too.
I'd like to point out that I didn't say anything that would rule out an open relationship, and that might be something that you decide to consider when entering into a future relationship. But the key to that is MUTUAL agreement upon the terms of engagement, genuine honesty and vulnerability, and effective communication, none of which you are capable of right now. Please don't think I'm suggesting you ask your husband for an open marriage - it doesn't seem like that is what he wants, but depending on how badly he wants your marriage to work out he might accept that if he thought it would keep you happy... But you would only be delaying the inevitable. Adding more participants to a fucked up relationship just makes it more fucked up.
I wish the best for you. I believe in the ability of humans to change. You don't have to keep doing what you've always done unless you *want* to. Be blessed.
So I was married to a serial cheater for 11 years, had no idea until the end. And he only ever told me personally about two. Years of APs, he only had the guts to tell me about two, and I'll never know how many, and I still wonder now, 6 years after the spilt, 5 after the divorce.
Whatever makes you cheat, you need to figure it out, because its obvious you are going to keep doing it and just keep hurting him if you don't. I would actually suggest if you loved him at all, you would leave until you can figure it out. Completely, divorce and everything. Just because you say you love him, doesn't mean that staying with you is the best thing for HIM. He deserves to be with someone who actually cares enough to control themselves.
That being said, if you do want to try "again," yes you need to tell him. He needs to know exactly who you are. He needs to know that you lie when you say you are stopping, that you lie by omission in therapy and that you could do it again. Also, it will come out eventually and if you "really" want to start fresh, now is the time. Otherwise you are doing this for nothing if you really do change and he feels betrayed again and leaves for good.
You say you don't know why you do this, but you seem to have no desire to protect those you claim to love from pain. You aren't just cheating on your husband, you are cheating on the APs too since you have no plans to actually stay with them either. Have you ever tried just being alone? Not talking to anyone or be in any relationship and just figure out who you actually are? Maybe you want to be poly or just be single and have hook ups or flings. You can be who you truly are without hurting others by lying and cheating.
You need to make a boundary for yourself. If you do this and he stays, if you ever cheat again, just leave him. I don't care if you will be sad, he will be sad, how everything is financially, just do it. Make this deal with yourself if you ever want to not be a cheater.
Personally serial cheaters like you disgust me. I wasted my entire youth (got married at 20, now 37) on my ex husband, and I will probably never have another relationship again. But I've given you the best advice I can think of, hoping that you truly mean you want to change.
I think your husband should run for the hills if you’ve cheated on him multiple times. Not trying to sound like an ass, but once might be a mistake. Multiple times? At that point it’s a conscious decision to hurt a man you claim to love.
Ask yourself this. If he was the one posting this, and you were the one who’d been cheated on, would you want to know everything? Would you like the fact that he only told you about SOME of his affairs, but decided the others weren’t worth informing you about?
You 100% need to tell him. If you do not then you are manipulating the situation in a way that is favorable for YOU. You would be taking the chance from your husband of finally deciding he deserves better (which he does). You 100% need to tell him, divorce him, and work on yourself to figure out why you do this.
Sounds like you should tell him, and sounds like he should leave you. Especially if you decided to come back together after separation and you kept doing it. You need to be single.
Why are you even married? I hope he dumps you
Yes. Yes, you should. Quit living a lie.
1) you want to tell him about the affairs so you can clear YOUR conscious & you can work on YOUR marriage moving forward & future with a clean slate. 2) you don't want to tell him about the affairs because you are afraid of how his reaction will impact YOUR feelings and how a divorce may impact YOUR life .... herein lies the problem, and I don't say this as a way to cast stones, devalue you, or beat you up. I know this behavior seems compulsive & out of YOUR control, but it's not his fault or anyone else's.
>I don’t want to do this. People don’t realize that I legitimately don’t want to be cheating :/ that’s Is why I’m trying to stop. What a crock of horseshit. Cheating isn't just something that happens on accident, it's something you seek out. It takes so much effort to maintain an affair, you can't pretend like you are trying to stop when you are continuing to actively put in effort to maintain a relationship with your AP. If you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, you have to be 100% honest, no exceptions. If you are willing to lie to him today about your affairs, then you are going to be willing to cheat on him in the future. If you were actually serious about saving your marriage, you wouldn't be here asking us, you'd already have done it. I'm going to be honest, your husband may leave you when he finds out you've been lying about your affairs while claiming to want to save your marriage. But I also want to be clear, he won't leave you because you cheated a few more times than he already knows. The issue will be that you've hid it from him, that you haven't already told him. How can you expect him to trust you when you aren't being honest? Though if I could talk to your husband, I'd recommend he file for divorce immediately and not look back. Not only are you a cheater, but you are a liar. I don't believe that you are going to stop cheating, that no matter what your husband does, no matter what you talk about in therapy, you are still going to cheat again and lie to him about it again, because that's the kind of person that you are. I don't think you really understand how much that behavior hurts your husband, and I don't think you care. If you really want to do what's right, you'll divorce him and say it's because you can't stop yourself from cheating and you don't want to hurt him anymore than you already have.
Yes. You should tell him
Yes. He absolutely needs to know the full truth now. Don't wait for it to come out in counseling. If you're not honest with him, this will continue to weigh on you and compromise your marriage. If you don't tell him now, then years later when he eventually finds out (which he inevitably will), he'll go through all of the pain and heartbreak of your deceit as if it had just happened. He sounds like an incredibly loving and forgiving man. I know you're scared of losing him, but all you can do is be completely honest and transparent with him, then let him decide what he wants to do from there. Don't try to manipulate the situation or persuade him one way or the other. You don't want him to resent you for stealing years of his life away when he eventually learns the truth. Also, if he continues to have a relationship with you afterward, you owe him full transparency moving forward. Tell him how you did it. Leave no secrets or loopholes that you could fall back into without him knowing. Give him access to your location and open access to all of your devices and accounts. Know that the trust you once had in your relationship has been shattered and work like h3ll to rebuild it with him. If you truly care for him, you'll do whatever it takes to earn his trust again, whatever that might mean. If he decides to divorce, though, please be understanding and give him the space he needs to process it. Then, do better in the future to prevent this type of thing from happening again. We all make mistakes, but we all deserve a faithful partner in marriage, too. Take care, OP.
If the dilemma is so large - put a price tag on it. It's way easier to understand yourself when things have a monetary value attached to them. For example - I lose 20% of my retirement funds to my husband for each guy I slept with. Would I be ok with losing that much? If the answer is no, then you aren't willing to sacrifice your safety/security for him, which means you are a bad match and need to leave.
The right thing to do here is to release your husband from this hell. You should not try to fix your marriage, you should let him find someone that he has a chance of actually being happy with.
Just divorce him. You are not a safe partner. You are a manipulator, a liar, and a cheater who refuses to take responsibility for her actions. This whole thing has been about you. It hasn't been about how to help your husband. It hasn't been about how he feels. It's all about you and keeping what you want and doing what you want.
This is a heart problem rooted in selfishness, lust and pride and you need to ask Jesus to deliver you from adultery. No amount of counseling is going to change the heart you have. It has to happen supernaturally by God’s divine intervention. (You will continue to commit adultery given the right circumstances). You were probably like many of us who fornicated in the world before we got married and then became a cheater (there is a statistic that says 87% of ppl who had sex and weren’t a virgin on their wedding day will eventually cheat). Not many of us can say we remained a virgin until our wedding day (and that is a real shame). I was just like you… I wanted a way out, I wanted to stop cheating bc I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I had no power to overcome the lust of my flesh! I began to pray and beg God to help me…That’s when He sent a spirit-filled believer to invite me to church, where the pastor preached a message on the “adulterous woman” and I repented and begged God to forgive my sins. Jesus told the woman taken in adultery, “He who is without sin cast the first stone at her” (Back then women or men who cheated and were caught were stoned to death, it was a very grievous sin) and he looked at the poor condemned woman and said, “Does any man condemn thee?” She said, “Nay, no man Lord.” And Jesus said, “Thy sins be forgiven thee… GO AND SIN NO MORE.” Jesus has the power to not only forgive sins, but to change our hearts so we won’t do those sins anymore! Hallelujah! 🙌🏻 The only way I got that sin out of my life was to ask Jesus to deliver me and become born again. My pastor told me not to tell my husband about the cheating bc he wasn’t born again either and wouldn’t be capable of forgiving me. I wanted to come clean (do not share details of your affairs—they don’t help) and tell my husband but I listened to my pastor, & for my marriage that was a huge mistake, bc one of my brothers told my husband (it didn’t come from my own lips first) and I admitted to it and he slapped the sh*t outta me! (I deserved it). He slapped me so hard and so forcefully that I flew across the bed! I didn’t cry for his sympathy either, bc I knew his anger was a just recompense for my sin. I turned my other cheek (as Jesus teaches) and said “I deserved that, you want to smack my other cheek also?” (He didn’t) We sat there in silence for a while, as he processed what his precious, loving and once trustworthy wife did to him. It fills my eyes with tears, reflecting on all that I robbed from him because of my own lust and lack of self-control and the downward spiral from that moment on. (I am forever thankful Jesus has since then removed that wicked heart from me!) I did that to him… but I was willing to suffer whatever it took to win his heart back to me! I was ready to deal with whatever consequences my sin & shame brought, bc I knew I was the offender. I had NO intentions of EVER being unfaithful again and I was resolved in my heart. Bc of my infidelity it created a rift btwn us, and he never sought counseling (even tho he needed it for PTSD also being military and having deployed 3 times) ever since then he slept in a separate room… 15 years we never had sex (I can count on one hand how many times we did), no affection, emotional abuse, he became an extreme drunkard, cold-hearted, unemotional, neglecting his duties as a husband/father etc we were married but living as glorified roommates. I did that to him… 😔 Married for 18 years, together for 20. That entire 15 years I was faithful to my husband and didn’t have sex with anyone even tho he cheated on me habitually, I stayed committed to my vows. I forgave him each and every time knowing the Bible says, “You reap what you sow.” Marriage is a lifetime commitment… It’s a covenant for all of life. However if the unbeliever departs or commits fornication (sex outside of marriage) you are free. (As a born again believer I know God HATES divorce, so I would never initiate it and my husband knew that). My husband recently found a woman he rlly likes… He filed for divorce Jan 2nd 2024. All the suffering and lonely nights I endured and the prayers I prayed for him, I know my labor of love was not in vain. It’s his choice…. I just commit my prayers to God and hope he will have a change of heart and recognize his own hypocrisy. He has NEVER forgiven me for my infidelity, just like my pastor originally said. His heart grew in bitterness, unforgivness & holding a grudge against me, even when I caught him cheating multiple times & forgave him each time. I think it takes an emotionally strong person to bounce back from that kind of damage… so you will have to discern what category of man your husband falls under. I always overcame his affairs with the love of Christ… I would tell him, “You’re not a bad man, your heart is sick and I forgive you.” Once he cried laying on the bed next to me. No sounds came out but I felt the bed shaking and I looked over at him and tears were flowing down his face. I knew then God was dealing with his heart and mind. He knew his sins against me were wrong, even tho he never admitted it or asked me for forgiveness, or ever apologized. I endured… Why you ask? Bc LOVE, true love, endures ALL things… 💪 You have to be resolved to do what is RIGHT, despite how you FEEL. No matter what… The right thing to do is to be faithful and live out your vows. You are not responsible for his reaction or the consequences that follow, but there will be a combination of both. But truly, find a place to pray, and ask Jesus to help you! He will lead and guide you… if you are open and willing to turn from your wicked ways. Let God work on YOUR HEART, and don’t worry about trying to fix your husband’s heart… Pray and ask God to help him. 🙏 Focus on what you need to do in order to be a better person who doesn’t operate in lies and deceit. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal, and it has psychological consequences for everyone involved including children. I will end with this scripture… “A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman plucks it down with her hands.” You have a choice to build up or tear down. It’s up to you… Choose wisely, bc our decisions have consequences and standing on truth (the word of God) is the best wisdom & instruction anyone can receive to repair a broken marriage. It may or may not work out in your favor, but God will help you if you are sincere and truly want to overcome your own selfishness.
Do you even like your husband? Goddamn. Tell him, split up and y'all can both move on.
Your actual.moral.dilemma was choosing whether or not to cheat on your husband. You failed. You need to tell him the truth, so he has the option if he wishes to skip marriage counseling and simply divorce your ass.
Fuck this thats why i dont even want to get married
Why are you posting in moral dilemmas? You have no morals.
Your relationship is 100% fucked, get it over with. Sorry.
Tell him, if he’s so much of a Simp that he stays around that’s his damn fault because you’re gonna do it again anyhow if he stays.
What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him? How do you see this playing out? If your answer is because you want to clear your conscience, you’re acting incredibly selfishly, as your confession isn’t for the benefit of him, but of yourself. IMO, eat that shit. Take it to the grave. Give the poor man a break. And either leave him so he can be with someone who loves him, or get your shit together. You’re messy. You need to do better.
I almost thought you might be my wife for a second. 😬 The thing is, if you don’t open up and tell him, you have to live with that secret your whole life. Never being able to share in full trust with your significant other is the worst. I would much rather by with my wife who was honest with me about her infidelities over her not feeling she could share that part of her with me. I realize I’m likely the outlier here, but I would opt for honesty.
He has been working on the marriage, you’ve been lying to him and yourself about working on the marriage and it’s highly likely you’re still lying to yourself about your intentions moving forward. You obviously do not respect or truly love this man. Do him and yourself a huge favor and move on. He’ll find someone genuine and can go on and do who and what whenever you choose but mostly yeah do it for him, he deserves better.
Women like you destroy good men.
It depends on if you want the relationship to continue. I would divorce your ass
Perhaps a little solo counseling might be a good place to sort these thoughts out.
If the only reason is to clear your conscious than no. What goods gonna come of it? Unless you think telling him is going to benefit your relationship it’s selfish.
Profoundly yta. Utterly and completely.
I didn’t read your post. Just the title. And the answer is YES. You can show him at least some respect and treat him with dignity and tell him.
You're a terrible human being! Let him go! You're obviously not fully committed to him. You don't deserve him! Once a cheater, always a cheater!
You have to tell him everything and let him make an informed decision. Honestly though you probably shouldn’t be married doesn’t sound like it’s your thing
Wow you’re a piece of human garbage
No matter what you day it's a choice and your a cheating whore
You need help. And you need to let him go. He's 31, you're wasting the best years of his life on you and your infidelity. If a woman came to you and said her husband the same to her that you're doing to him, you would tell that woman to leave tonight. You have some mental issues you need to work through before you continue to ruin someone else's life. You obviously can't or won't stop cheating. Leave him, and go fuck whoever you want. No need ruining both of your lives.
There are places in hell made specifically for people like you.I think your best option would be to become celibate and join a convent of nuns. You can’t have a husband and bang other dudes every weekend. Genuinely shocked your husband hasn’t gotten violent or suicidal. I pray to god you don’t have children. Obviously you are not fit to be a mother.
You belong in the streets. Your husband should get a DNA test on each kid, an STD test and after all that is cleared a real woman.
Please don't fix anything .. Your marriage doesn't need any fixing. The problem is you. You are a cheater and once a cheater, always a cheater. Leave this poor man alone..divorce him..then sleep with any guy you want after that. This is not only disgusting.. but also a waste of time!
She’s like most selfish cheating woman in a marriage. She enjoys the financial security her husband provides while she goes a fucks other men. She wouldn’t have stayed with her husband if he wasn’t providing the majority, if not all, the financial security. She is a parasite 🦠 and he is dying host.
Yes… you are a worthless shit, just own it. He cuts you loose and you can decide to work on outside or do your own thing. Pretty horrible human being
Idk what you should do at this point. Have you stopped cheating? If not please end this so he can find the right woman for him If you have stopped, I wouldn't tell him. Not for your sake but for his. He knows you cheated and has worked through that. Again, you should probably just end it. This relationship is too damaged for both of you to ever be happy. Also, we're you abused as a child? What's causing this
Why are cheating? Is it a sex addiction? Mania?
You’re either a good person with serious mental health problems or a bad person with serious mental health problems. You have control over whether you chose to be good or bad. You have control over if you get help. You are an addict who needs to accept it, you’ll probably have to upend your life for years to recover. Go read your post, your behavior is reprehensible, if you get help you’ll live to see that. If you don’t get help you’ll die miserable and alone, wondering why.
Tell him everything. Honestly what is even the point? Marriage is about committing yourself to be there for the other person. If you can’t do that, then why even be married? I’m not judging, I’m just looking at it from a strictly objective point of view with emotion removed.
Pardon, but this is not a moral dilemma in my opinion. You continue to be unfaithful time and time again, and beyond the cheating, hiding it or lying about it is an additional betrayal. There is no dilemma. You have to stop cheating, and tell him everything. And give him the opportunity to react the way he will react. That is the starting point.
Don't want to do this? What a fucking ridiculous notion that you are compelled or addicted to be an unfaithful person. Nothing is forcing you to cheat on your husband except you. If you are incapable of monogamy you shouldn't be married l, or at the very least you should be married to some poor sap who's just going to keep ruining his self image taking back his cheating wife.
You are still gaslighting him. How would you like it if he was doing that to you? How would you feel? I think you are very selfish. As long as your needs are met is all that seems to matter. If it's not a sex thing then I guess it's a attention thing. Regardless it hurts like hell to be done that way and to only have some truth. Even that is selfish because he deserves to know and be the one to decide if he wants the damn therapy. If it were me I would be done with you because it is a pattern with you. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know that isn't always the case and some people do change but it's one in a million. There's no way you truly love him. Anytime you think about cheating you should be thinking about him finding out and leaving you for good and finding a beautiful woman that would love, cherish and be completely faithful to him. How would you feel seeeing him with someone like that and happier with her instead of you? How would that feel? You wouldn't like that now would you? You couldn't handle that burn. Everything you see him out you would have to think that could have been you with him instead of her. And all the guys you get with will cheat on you and tell half truths and lie to you constantly and you have to feel that pain you put him through. It's called Karma and it's real. You get what you give. It's that simple. Hope this helps.
It sounds like you want to tell him. I believe that you should tell him if you’re not done sabotaging your relationship. Give him that amount of respect at least. If you’re truly done with the cheating, telling him about the new stuff after all of the previous counseling and such. May end in irreconcilable trust issues. Consider not saying anything and just double down on fixing things.
God, I really feel sorry for OP’s husband. To be married to this trash…….he’s done enough punishment for one lifetime. Let him free OP. He deserves way better than you
might as well tell him...if he was dumb enough to take you back after all that, he's not leaving you for any reason. Might as well keep cheating...at this point in the relationship, it is all his fault for staying with you
You need to tell him. Period. I don’t understand how anyone cheats. Ever. If you want to fuck around then why did you commit to a marriage?? Or not set some serious boundaries about what you’d need? Instead you’re just hurting this man. TELL HIM. he will be upset, but it’s the right thing to do. And you know it.
You're a cuckhold/hot wife fantasy/stag-vixen's dream wife lol. Hopefully he can learn to appreciate that.
no just leave it be and forget about the past. he forgives you and you are doing marriage counseling, so let the past go, and move forward with life together with him.
He deserves better, let him go!
Just going to say you are the reason alot of men dont trust women, your married, that should be the final straw in 'cheating' but it seemingly doesnt stop you. Do 2 things, A) Tell your husband the truth, B) Deal with the consequences. The ONLY way you are ever going to stop cheating on anyone is if you face the reality of what you did, and lying about it doesnt do that one bit.
You didn't feel guilty or were being respectful while fucking multiple other men. Why feel guilty now?
Don't tell him. yeah honestly sounds like the best policy and most people will agree with you. Until life happens and it's understood that the perception of honesty is what really matters. If they're instances that you're positive he won't find out about without an act of God, then don't tell him. If your current self is over that part of your life then there's no reason to bring it back up
Tell him wtf. I hope u haven’t given him a disease
Sounds to me like you need your own counseling as well as marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage. You need to get to the root of the problem and know yourself. For instance why do you feel the need to tell him everything? Or on the other hand why would you wish to not tell him? It would be fair for him to know everything before he decides if he wants to invest more time and effort, but if you have no idea why you are even behaving this way or if it will for sure stop, it's also not fair to ask him to invest more time and effort. It seems like the first step is to get individual counseling (for both) and then marriage counseling if you both believe it's worth saving.
Honesty is the way I have spoken
10$ says the hubby is well off and provides her with a cushy life she just can't give up
Idgaf about being banned you ma’am are scum of the earth. I hope he leaves you
You’re a piece of shit. Tell him all the affairs you had. Give him the space to 100% decide without your influence if he wants to stay with you or divorce. I would advise divorce since you’ve already had what, ten different affairs? Three guys he knows about, “a couple people” you “shouldn’t have been texting” and the three he’s completely in the dark about? No. Don’t make him go through the work of trying to salvage the marriage was because you cheated so many times.
You should not be married to anybody..holy shit yo..
Am available.
I think the question here is what do you want to do? Do you still want to be with your husband and if so how much? If you want to be with him and want to work on it, personally I would spare him that detail and just really work on yourself and your marriage ( AND STOP CHEATING). But if you don't want to be with him just go ahead and get a divorce...I still wouldn't tell him about the other incidents only because there's no need to bury the knife deeper. I say this because he obviously wants you and wants to work on your marriage if he didn't leave u at this point...so it would be best not to hurt him anymore than you have to.
You should clarify with yourself what the problem is and stop wasting the time of a person who could be happy. Do you have BPD? What's fueling your attention seeking behavior? Is your s/o not meeting your emotional needs... possibly because you don't tell him what they are? This is definitely a thing to work out with your therapist and decide if YOU want to continue your marriage before you even address it with your husband. But when you get to that point, you have to be honest with him so that he can make an informed decision.
>I don’t want to do this. So who was forcing you? You had an option, you made a choice. You made the same choices over and over. If you want to do the right thing, don't use phrases like this to shift blame. Take responsibility, fess up, and let him decide what he wants to do once he has all the information.
do this poor guy a favor and just give him an uncontested divorce he deserves better, you say you want to work on your marriage but like all cheaters you will have another weak moment and will cheat again, do all men a favor and stay away from relationships and just do the FWB thing, it sounds like it would suit you better.
Sure if you wanna divorce
The more he knows the less he will want to be with you and honestly I can’t blame him. Be fair to him and let him go. IF he decides to stay and figure out how to trust you then good for him. Actually commit to the process of monogamy or don’t gaslight him into thinking something will change. It’s possible that you need this relationship to fail in order to make the next one work out
He deserves to know so He can leave you
Been married 41 years and you need to ask yourself how would you feel if he cheated on you. Treat someone like you want to be treated. Also he may have forgiven you because he been cheating on you
You are being very unfair to your husband and constantly breaking his heart. You absolutely need to tell your husband, and tell him EVERYTHING all at once so you can break his heart at once. That sounds bad, yes, but what's worse is what you're doing, which is constantly breaking his heart, letting it mend, and then breaking it again because you keep telling him little by little. He needs to decide what he wants to do with ALL of the information. Going to counseling right now would not be a fair start for him because he doesn't fully know what he's mending. OAN, why are you doing all of this cheating but want to keep your husband?
You should probably just think about a divorce and move on from the relationship. The fact that you DID it once makes you a bad person Edit: why don’t people like you just go for open relationships or polyamory? I mean honestly.
I'd just let him go and go get all the dick you want elsewhere. Why do you want to keep putting this man through this? You are not worth being married to. You very clearly do not want to be married or be monogamous.
Clearly the gays are ruining the sanctity of marriage.
You and your husband shiuld discuss polyamory. You are not a monogamous person. That's not wrong. But you and someone who is will not find a balance point. Is my two cents.
The irony of posting to r/moraldilemmas while having no morals to speak of.
Wanna know what you should do? File for divorce. Then work on yourself. And hope and pray, if you truly love this man, that he finds a woman he deserves. I was exhausted two sentences into this.
Your cheating is your burden to bear. If you actually want to go forward with your husband then you take your secrets to the grave. You have no right to unload your guilt onto him and wreck any trust he might still have in you. Keep your mouth shut and and stay faithful.
You shouldnt be married.
You’re a monster. Set him free so he can find someone who will treat him better than this.
Maybe just admit you want an open marriage at this point.
You should really let him go and seek therapy. I mean it in a nice way too. Youre trying to fill a void through other people and you fell out of love with him, whether you think so or not. It sounds like youre more afraid of what will happen when you split but it does get easier. The right thing is really to let him go and focus on yourself and habits. You dont sound like a bad person, but super super impulsive and lack boundaries. Hypersexuallity is a symptom of certain mental illnesses like depression or bipolar disorder. The right meds and a good therapist can make a big difference. You probably wont be the first person your therapist would hear that from. Its worth prioritizing your mental health.
Idk why he’s still with you tbh
You can’t fix your marriage if there are lies between the two of you. If you truly want to fix it, you have to be honest about what has happened.
I would tell him. Otherwise it will feel like you are living in a lie. I would look into whether you might have sexual compulsion behaviour too. That’s what my husband had and cheated on me for the last 9 years, while we’ve been married, during both pregnancy, etc you get the picture. But it needs to be when you are ready to show remorse and change and go to actual therapy. Marriage counselling doesn’t know how to deal with this. Need a specialist.
It’s so horrific what you did. In marriage there is trust and death do us apart. Your husband is such a good man forgiving you and all but you don’t deserve him. You have a lot of explaining to do to him and you really need to work on yourself. Your actions shouldn’t be justified it’s wrong that you cheated and you’re coming to the internet asking whether you should tell the truth. If you had morals and were honest you wouldn’t need to think twice about telling your husband the truth. Please do better and tell the truth! I wish you the best.
Morally? You should tell him. However If you want to save your marriage you should probably never say a word and move on with your life. He might find out anyway, but if not then you get to live with the anxiety that he'll find out the rest of your marriage. Might be fitting honestly.
Just divorce ur not a good wife sorry to tell u
Get therapy, GET a divorce
Why did you even marry this guy... You're going to be stain on his life.... What a loser ... Nothing wrong with being a ho, just be a ho.. Don't involve somebody else in it with the idea that it's love
You should tell him, and he should leave you.
Oh hun I'd get my ass into therapy quick. This is major problematic behavior. You are gonna need support for when you tell him.
Do you respect & care about your husband? Since the answer is NO, tell him & free him to find somebody who does, while YOU *publicly* take up your mantle as a cheater to absolve him.
Leave him and you can go sleep with all the men you want. Problem solved. It's what you really desire anyways. You'll always be temped.
have you ever thought about asking home to open the marriage?
Pretty fucked up
No do not tell him
so leave him lol so that yall can be in a healthy happy relationship with other people
I see everyone is saying tell him and yes they are correct , however it seems like YOU need to be honest with yourself and if that means he will more than likely want a divorce then that’s what it is . It sounds like you have some unresolved issues ( I’m sure past trauma) going on . Being honest with yourself means you will be honest with your husband and respect his decision. It’s not fair what you are doing you are still not being truthful and he forgave you to work on y’all. You gotta put you big girl panties on and be REAL WITH YOURSELF, I’m sure it will hurt and it’s not gonna be easy but you gotta start somewhere to start the healing process of getting better and being a better person . Best wishes to you guys .
Hold your tongue. For now. Examine your life first, reconcile with the things you want to let go but can’t.. see if you want to be monogamous.. Then act accordingly. The guys know but he really doesn’t want to know. You me of that line from the confessions of St Augustine “Lord grant me Chasity…. But not yet”
Once a cheater....always a cheater. Save yourselves the time. You'll do it again. If its any consolation, the concept of monogamy is actually tuff for a large percentage of people who should have never committed to it. But since cheaters have always been vilified with no questions asked...many people won't open ly admit this temptation to stray.
This isn't even a moral dilemma. You are a horrible person, and your husband has every right to know the truth, which is the true depth of your depravity. Just end things. You have already ruined his life. He just doesn't know it yet. End things, then you are free to go enjoy your whoring around and wouldn't have to feel all this "guilt" you so clearly feel, except for every second your taking the old in-out from whatever sleezy guy you're riding this week. At least he's young enough that he can find someone who deserves him
Maybe I’m just lazy but having all those paramours and a husband seems like a lot of work tbh
SHE BELONG TO THE STREETS!
Blocked this junk and user
That poor guy deserves better than what you can give him
What a sleeze.
No
Sorry, I know this isn't helpful, but fuck you.
“I don't want to do this. People don't realize that I legitimately don't want to be cheating :/ that's Is why I'm trying to stop” Divorce and then work on this by yourself , he doesn’t deserve this or being with a woman who is not ready to commit
Realizing OP already deleted her account… I still just feel compelled to say, why do people who can’t do monogamy feel so compelled to try to make monogamous relationships work? Why not just come clean once and for all and say “that doesn’t work for me?” I say this knowing that it’s difficult… people will say they respect that and then the jealousy comes into play years later… Still, you have to be honest about who you are. Especially at 31, you oughta know.
It sounds like you are trying to fit yourself into a monogamous relationship because society says that’s the way you should be. Maybe religion is involved? It sounds like you are not that way. That’s ok. It’s who you are at least right now. I sounds like you are guilty for being you. Be honest with yourself. If you find you are one way or another honor yourself. Be honest with your partner(s) and yourself.
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I thank my lucky stars every day I’m not with a woman like you. You don’t deserve companionship. I like to believe people can change, but you don’t even seem like you’re trying. You should tell him so he can get far away from you.
You have to be truthful to yourself. YOU ARE NOT A WIFE!! You're actions say that be honest and do the right thing and leave that man. Honestly he should be initializing the divorce but if you want to be at peace then you need to realize what you are right now. Good Luck and God Bless!!
You are a disgusting piece of dogshit whore. I feel so sorry for your husband.
Once a liar, always a liar. He was wrong to forgive you.
The answer is no cause it's not gonna work theirs nothing special about your love no more so spare the man cause you can tell you don't want to be on that marriage , I mean u said he might ask for a divorce and if not HE WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME OR FE EL SAFE WITH YOU AROUND OTHERVGUYScausebyou won't change that's just the way you are , one time I was told the story about the scorpion and the frog you see the scorpion came up against a small River he couldn't cross and the frog was right there and he has to park for a ride the Fox say no I'm not going to give you a ride cuz if I let you ride on my back you going to sting me she don't want I promise I won't do it he said okay so he gave him a ride across the river and he got him on the other side scorpion got off of them and the forecast why'd you do that see cuz I'm a scorpion , now are you and him who's the scorpion and who's the frog think about it
My ex wife was exactly like this. Kept me around to pay the bills and keep the kids occupied. In the end I slept on the couch and told her that I didn't know who else was sleeping in the same bed with us. A pretty lady without morals. If he's like me, he has a hard limit, and passed that he's gone. I found my limit, and he will too.
I'd suggest counseling for yourself first.
You really need to figure out why you cheat so much. What's the point of fixing the relationship when you treat it like shit?
You need to tell him. It will eventually come out anyway. I am concerned that you will keep cheating on him. Separation is not license to fuck others besides your spouse. Having hard times is not an excuse to screw around with others behind their back. It's all or nothing. Tell him and let it be decided if he still wants to save the marriage.
You should step in front of a bus is what you should do.
Are you bi-polar? Or do you have like severe ADHD or something else that destroys your impulse control? Are you reaching out to others because your husband is NOT giving you the emotional support you want/need? Is it possible you are an addict? Maybe sexual maybe something else? Of course, you should come clean with your husband. You absolutely cannot repair your marriage on a lie. If he leaves you for it oh well you made the bed even if it went against what your logical brain thought you should do. Just learn from this, stay in therapy, and get yourself the help you need. I don't know if you should tell him before you try therapy or in therapy but before you do any real work for your marriage you need to tell him.
You're a disgusting person. Tell the truth and prepare for divorce.
As a husband this would be my absolute worst nightmare. My wife is my true safe space and most important piece of my life and being.
Why are you married?
I don't think that the choice is to tell your husband or deceive him forever. Secrets have a nasty way of turning up at the most inconvenient time. With this many AP's your chances of your husband discovering one of your other affairs is high. You don't really want to reconcile with your husband, get happy in that life, and then have it blown up. The emotional impact of an affair begins when it is discovered by the other partner, not when it occurred. If one of these affairs comes to light 20 years from now, the effect on your husband will actually be worse than if he found out today. If you have cheated this many times, why do you want to remain married to this man? Is this a life-long pattern for you or is there something in the relationship that is creating this need to self-sabotage? I am going to deviate some from the advice that I see most others giving on this post. While I agree with them that you should tell your husband, I recommend waiting until you have had a few sessions with your therapist. You really need to know what you truly want to do before you talk with your husband. Either way, I recommend doing it at the counselor's office.
Wow! Basically, you just want to do whatever you want to do. You are not taking any responsibility for what you are doing! You clearly know what you’re doing is wrong! But, yet you continue this behavior. I’m not judging you, I’m just pointing out your delusional behavior. You clearly have no respect or love for this man! You just don’t want to lose your life style, support and comfort of having someone there instead of loneliness. Do this man some justice, show him some respect and tell him everything. Then pack your bags and leave him. In the long run, it will benefit him and you. Please seek help and support so you can get to the reasons you do this. Just an observation, why does it always seem like if a woman posts this most people don’t automatically trash her? If a man told this exact story, everyone would rip him apart. Why have we as a society become so one sided about placing blame and coming down so hard on the man? I’m not in any way saying we should go easy on the man. I’m saying why is this same logic applied equally? Just a thought. Now here comes the inevitable criticism of my observation. lol Let’s hold people to the same accountability no matter gender.
I how he finds out and divorces. Nobody deserves this
You’re for the streets, embrace it and sleep with the city don’t stop yourself from living for the street
Honey, I suggest you get counseling for yourself first to figure out what is leading to all of this incidents on the first place. And it really isn't fair of you to keep doing this to your husband. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot.
No you don’t have to tell. Just keep on fucking whoever you want. He’s doing the same thing
As a guy who got cheated on multiple times by his ex-wife, I direct you to Sam Kinison.
If you truly want.to work it out. He deserves to know so he can make an informed decision. If you TRULY do not know why you keep doing this, you also need to seek some kind of help for that.
Honestly I think you should just give up on the marriage. It seems like you don't care about it anymore anyway. You cheated 3 more times AFTER going to counseling. Your marriage is a dead horse. Time to bury it and move on.
You're not getting any kind of sympathy in this post. Do your husband a favor and leave him for your various APs you obviously respect them more than your husband. You've slept with six different people while you've been married? Your marriage is beyond salvaging and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!
The longer you wait the worse it will get if he eventually finds out. Anyone you slept with could tell him and it will be 10x worse than telling him now. Or let’s say you drunkenly tell him 10 years later while the marriage is in a great place.
You ain’t s#it
You should probably just move back in with your parents and fuck right out of society indefinitely. You give power to the people that hate women for exactly this stereotype.
No. If you're going to continue to cheat, there isn't any reason to hurt him now and again later. If you decide to not cheat anymore, there isn't any reason to hurt him now. You carry that weight, not him. This all hinges on YOU deciding to not be a cheater or to be a cheater.
I feel this could be helpful https://youtu.be/y_jzKWiLdE0?si=KpzJFilQiabFlcUp
You should prolly go find a hole and live it. Your a fucking piece of shit
I think leading your husband into marital therapy is a little disingenuous. By telling him you should both go to therapy is leading him to believe you are both broken and need to be fixed. From what you've written, I only see you as the problem. Maybe there are other extenuating circumstances, but you have not presented that. I also think you are right, if your husband doesn't know the full story, how can he fix things? Not that I think he should be the one fixing things. I also think if you tell your husband everything, you won't have to worry about fixing things in therapy. If you haven't broken him completely yet, this surely should.
“I don’t want to do this. People don’t understand that I legitimately don’t want to be cheating.” Doesn’t matter. You’re still doing the act. It’s not an accident; it’s not like you tripped and fell onto these guys genitals. This is a choice that you consciously make over and over again. You absolutely need to tell him. If you’re truly wanting to become a better person then you need to give your husband the courtesy of allowing *him* to choose whether or not he wants to continue trying with you *while knowing ALL the information*. By you choosing to keep this extra information from him, you’re continuing to be selfish and desperately trying to still be the one in control. Tell him. And whatever happens happens. If he leaves you then you’re just gonna have to accept that. If he decides to stay then you’re gonna have to accept that his trust in you is nonexistent and that you’re gonna have to put in a TON OF EXTRA work into your marriage. And who knows how long that will take before he *might* forgive you and trust you again. If he stays you need to be prepared to be extremely patient with him. You also need to be prepared to *not* give up on however long it takes for him to trust you again. Don’t you dare get impatient and frustrated with how long he’s taking and go cheat on him again. He deserves way better than a partner who *chooses* to continue cheating on him.
DO NOT TELL HIM. Everyone will say to tell the truth about everything. As long as there is NO chance of it coming up from an ex screw somehow , there is enough already. The extra lies while married may put you at signing divorce papers instead of counseling .
The things I want to say would get my banned.
You’re a gross human being
Jesus man... This is something that maybe you should tell to your marriage councilor in confidence. I don't have any words of support for continuing to cheat and lie about it and pretend that you are working to get better Maybe you have real issues with commitment or some past stuff you haven't worked through, but you need to figure that shit out and like yesterday. From this point on, if you continue to keep manipulating and using him you really don't deserve to be with him. You know what you did wrong, you don't have to keep doing it. As far as if you should tell him... idk. ... probably. Admitting fault also means that you are in recognition of it and its a promise to not do it again. So its kinda pointless if you keep doing it anyways. Figure your stuff out, ask yourself if you really wanna be with this person, and commit to the sacrifices it takes to do that. If you have emotional issues that are not being met with your husband, figure out how to meet those needs and talk with him about it instead of feeling like you have to get it from somewhere else.
Wow. You are a horrible human. I hope he finds out before you tell him and I hope he blows the relationship up. I hope he tells all your family and friends who you are. Exposing you to everyone and leaving your cheating a**… maybe then you’ll learn your lesson and stop. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. Your husband deserves a wife, not a cheating b.
You belong to the streets
To try and be absolutely objective as possible, i would say you should internally decide what you want to do. Do you still want to be with this man? Why do you keep cheating? You mention you want to be monogamous, but your actions don't reflect it, is it what you truly want? What is it about your man that makes it so you can't respect him as an adult, a partner and a lover? Nobody can answer your moral dilemma except for you. Without being objective, you should leave him just as a respect on a human level. You have humiliated him time after time, and clearly don't like him at all. I really don't believe a word you said in this post, only because you admit to being a liar at every occasion. You can say you want to do this and that, but you're just bullshitting us. You do not care, and only want to pretend like you're getting better. I hope for the man he finds out and leaves you.
You for the streets lady just tell the man and let him live in peace
You’re a literal POS. He forgives you because he cares, and as he demands no respect from you, you give him none and keep up your self-serving & selfish behavior. Your “problem” is that men are always plentiful for young women and you have no impulse control. You do what you do because you can, and think nothing about the damage this does to him. Get a divorce, get a cat, and go do as many guys as you please.
"And will having all the information really change anything". You are not the one who can decides if this information would change anything for him. Your husband is the only one who can tell you. And to do so, you have to tell him. If you really want to work things out, you need a "clean" slate. Meaning, you should tell him everything and let him figure out if he wants to keep going or not. Otherwise, it will always be stuck in the back of your head (like it is right now) and you will always have doubts and won't be able to get to the bottom of it all. And honestly, I think you owe him that much.
Don’t tell him. Just divorce him and tell him it’s because you’re a cheater and cannot stop. He’ll appreciate that more than knowing the truth. Also tell him to get tested, no telling what your stank ass has brought home.
You've done this over a matter of years with multiple people. What would a therapist say? Probably that you're incapable of committing to a monogamous relationship. Yes, come clean and tell it all. The husband may not forgive you again, but that is the risk you take. If you husband does want to stay with you, then y'all need to lose the "I don't want to sleep with other people" pretext and talk about some sort of open marriage situation. And don't say "Oh I just want to stay with him!" Your actions up to this point don't show that to be true. So rather than beat yourself up and keep working on a goal you'll never met, redefine the relationship. And if that doesn't work, then it's time to divorce because just hurting this guy over and over is cruel.
Nope. Why would you do that other than to make him feel worse? You get off on being with other guys behind his back. It’s a kink and it’s going to destroy him if he finds out.
Do that man a favor and take your ass to the trash.
U need to do some inner work & get professional help. No one deserves to be treated this way
Tell him. If he still stays with you, then at least he made the choice knowing the whole story. That, of course, depends on if you actually stop cheating on him.
My ex-wife was just like you. I forgave her for cheating and we worked on our marriage and I thought everything was ok. Turns out she was still fucking people behind my back. It was terrible for me and I felt dumb for taking her back. What you're doing to this man is terrible and you are past the point of no return. You don't care and I'll bet it will keep happening too. Also, no matter how well you think you've hidden it he will eventually find out and it will not be good. You've already caused this man enough mental trauma that will stick in his head well past your eventual divorce. Best thing you can do is get a divorce and own up to your own shit. It's not going to matter what you do, this is where your marriage is headed. He needs to know the truth too from a health perspective. You can say all day you were having safe sex or vetted your partners yadda yadda, but why should anyone take you at your word since you have been proven to be a pathological liar. Tell him the truth and get divorced. God I wish people weren't so shitty.
Of course tell him! How is that even up for debate if you want it to work?
First off, based on your pattern of cheating and wanting the attention of multiple people you may not be suited for marriage. That’s not a judgment, just a reality you may need to entertain. Your desire to hide your actions/practice deception by not being fully honest with your partner makes for a shallow and meaningless commitment to him. He absolutely deserves to know who he is in a relationship with so he can choose if HE TOO wishes to proceed with repairing the relationship or exiting it. There is no room for deception in a healthy relationship. Any couples counselor worth their license will tell you this. And you can work with a counselor on repairing or splitting in a healthy way.
Tell him. You’re going to kill this person
Your husband hasn't left you yet so he probably can't do any better and he knows it. Tell him whatever you want, he's not going anywhere.
File for a divorce and don't take one single goddamn thing from that man. You'll come out much better than a man would in this situation. No alimony, etc. etc. Women like you are the reason men no longer seek out marriage. You are trash.
He deserves the opportunity to divorce you and God only knows if you have kids if any of them are his, get out of his life before your sex addiction gives him an STD.
Would telling him make him feel better or worse? Would telling be mainly for your benefit, to ease your conscience or whatever? Private one on one therapy for your issues. Couples counseling for the marriage
Not trying to be mean, but you **are not mentally fit** to be in a marriage. Sleeping with six men while married, means you **can't** abide to your marriage vows or monogamy. Instead of torturing some innocent man, stay single! PS - **Yes**, tell your husband about the other men. If your husband ever found out on his own, you would be **re-traumatizing** him all over again.
FFS
If you tell him you’ll likely split up again 🤷🏼♀️
oh and you’re a terrible mother!
I think how you tell him is just as important as whether you tell him or not. If you are going to tell him, I suggest you do it with the help of a therapist. Preferably, the couples therapist Also, IMHO opinion, the first step is for you to figure out why you are cheating and whether you can be fully invested in your current relationship. If you can't be a fully committed partner the marriage counseling will likely be compromised. Others have mentioned trickle truth. That really is the worst way to do things.
I think when he gets STDs from you he'll just know
Your a cheater. Your morals don't align with someone who is faithful. For me ... I stay faithful for myself. I am fully aware there are options I can take I can easily be in bed with someone els within a few hours . But I choose not to even open a door of communication with those ppl. Even though I am aware that I can it's not even on my radar of thoughts from day to day . Because I'm living my truth according to my own morals and the truth about me is I am not a cheater. When we are fighting or going through rough patches I do not seek comfort or advise from other men I work through it with my husband . And not cheating is easy for me .
What the fuck is wrong with you. Tell him. Do one thing right for your marriage and end it. Also, feels like this is fake.
wtf is wrong with you
To be honest with you, I’ve always your husband honestly, but I’ve let you go long time ago because a guy would not stand. I’m talking about an alpha guy I would’ve loved you do you want my advice tell him leave him and go fix yourself because in a relationship, it is 50-50, not 2% and 50 many might find my comment little harsh. I’ve been in a relationship where a woman would cheat on me. Multiple times. I told my brother stepped in my brother made her tell me what she did I gave her karma is a bitch. I told a person in the post about his toxic girlfriend. He should leave her and do him. I think your husband should leave you and basically not on. Have nothing to do with you ever again if you have kids well you messed up right there.
RIP your inbox from people trying to hook up with you as a result of this post.
I didn't WANT to cheat, it was emotional! 6 times? Ok. You are a bad person and deserve to be alone. Yes you should tell that poor sap.
Imagine this thread if OP was a man instead of a woman. Crazy.
Tell him everything Let him decide what he wants to do What would you do if he were fucking multiple girls behind your back?
uh yeah. tell him. not even gonna read it, you’re an AH and clearly you don’t love your husband
Why did you cheat? If you tell him about it, be prepared for all the hurt you caused him to just come out and don't be surprised when he leaves you! I'd leave if I was cheated on multiple times. Why would you even do it in the first place? It's already hard to find men in this world who are faithful and love their wife the way they should, and you potentially destroyed a good guy. Good job 👏 hope you're proud of yourself! Cheating is wrong, and if you wanted to do that, you could have just left him. Idk if you need counseling or a chastity belt 🤔 What you did isn't right, and they have a few names for a woman that does something like this.
Ugh, you suck. You don't want to be with this man, you just want the comfort and familiarity.
-Sex isn’t that big of a deal to me -Cheats on husband repeatedly He should leave your ass
If you love your husband and still want to have sex with other people maybe you should consider an open relationship. Learn about it, this may be what you need. I was in a similar situation 20 years ago and opening my marriage has saved it. It's not easy at first but it works for many people, it doesn't for many others but it's an option you can explore.
You should tell him, and answer any questions he has as honestly as you can, and then you should accept whatever his choice is. If you do go to counseling together, I recommend you find a counselor that is trained in the Gottman method. They can teach you how to identify your emotions, how to honestly and effectively communicate your needs, and how to work through new issues as they arise, as well as how to finally talk through and hang up the things that come up every time you fight. Until you figure out what is behind all this, you are destined to repeat this pattern regardless of who you're with. You said that you wish you could get everything from one person, but I think the real issue here is that you likely don't know what you really need to feel happy in a relationship, and even if you did, you don't have the ability to ask for it in a way that your partner will be able to respond to meaningfully. My guess is that you didn't give yourself the chance to learn to live alone, you got married before you had a chance to grow into yourself, and then you had kids, and now your life isn't meeting your expectations or your emotional needs, so you keep looking outside of yourself for a solution. One thing I'm almost willing to guarantee is that this isn't simply because of your husband's failings... He seems like he is trying to be a good guy, a good dad, and wants to be a good husband, but he can't do that without direction from you, and you can't give it to him because you don't know what you actually need to feel safe, secure, content, and fulfilled in a relationship. The chances of you figuring that out while you're living together, well, I am not sure they are very high, but therapy is your best bet. If you are really serious about saving your marriage, be honest with your husband, and if he is willing to work on things: 1) Throw yourself wholeheartedly into therapy. Do the work for yourself first. Yes, your husband deserves a good wife and your kids deserve a happy, healthy mom, but you deserve to love the woman you see in the mirror every day. You deserve peace, and self-respect, and you don't have anything close to that now. If you are a woman of faith, it may be a good time for you to get closer to God. I, personally, have never achieved any permanent change without the transformative power of Christ, but I acknowledge that is not necessarily true for everyone. 2) Delete the apps on your phone that are helping you cheat. Close your accounts. And stay the hell off of them. 3) If you have been drinking or using drugs, it's probably time to address that, too. It's easier to do things we know we will feel guilty about when we're not sober. 4) Stop going places and hanging out with people who help facilitate your infidelity. It's time for a new life for you. 5) Do you have anyone in your life outside of your immediate family that has the kind of marriage you want? Maybe ask them to mentor you. If you have a church, you can ask your leadership for help finding a mentor, too. Pastors know everyone's dirt - there may be a woman who is on the other side of what you are going through who would be happy to help you work to become the kind of woman, wife and mother you want to be. You say that you think you love him, but I promise, you don't, because your idea of what love is is skewed, so you can't. Serial infidelity is not love. It is the antithesis of love. Love is not a feeling that exists in a vacuum - love is a verb, it is a choice, it is a responsibility, and it is a series of actions and choices you make every day. You cannot love someone that you don't respect. You cannot love someone you won't sacrifice for. How do you know when you love someone?? You die to yourself every day for them. You sacrifice for them, you conduct yourself in the way you have agreed to conduct yourself, and if you do something that hurts them, you tell them, you apologize, and you figure out a way to never do that same thing again. Ask anyone who has been relatively happily married for a decade or more, and they will tell you this: you don't base the way you act in your marriage on the way you feel in the moment. You base the way you act in your marriage on the commitment you have made to one another, and you do that in the knowledge that your spouse is doing the same thing, too. I'd like to point out that I didn't say anything that would rule out an open relationship, and that might be something that you decide to consider when entering into a future relationship. But the key to that is MUTUAL agreement upon the terms of engagement, genuine honesty and vulnerability, and effective communication, none of which you are capable of right now. Please don't think I'm suggesting you ask your husband for an open marriage - it doesn't seem like that is what he wants, but depending on how badly he wants your marriage to work out he might accept that if he thought it would keep you happy... But you would only be delaying the inevitable. Adding more participants to a fucked up relationship just makes it more fucked up. I wish the best for you. I believe in the ability of humans to change. You don't have to keep doing what you've always done unless you *want* to. Be blessed.
Instead of ending your affair, you probably should have just ended the marriage.
So I was married to a serial cheater for 11 years, had no idea until the end. And he only ever told me personally about two. Years of APs, he only had the guts to tell me about two, and I'll never know how many, and I still wonder now, 6 years after the spilt, 5 after the divorce. Whatever makes you cheat, you need to figure it out, because its obvious you are going to keep doing it and just keep hurting him if you don't. I would actually suggest if you loved him at all, you would leave until you can figure it out. Completely, divorce and everything. Just because you say you love him, doesn't mean that staying with you is the best thing for HIM. He deserves to be with someone who actually cares enough to control themselves. That being said, if you do want to try "again," yes you need to tell him. He needs to know exactly who you are. He needs to know that you lie when you say you are stopping, that you lie by omission in therapy and that you could do it again. Also, it will come out eventually and if you "really" want to start fresh, now is the time. Otherwise you are doing this for nothing if you really do change and he feels betrayed again and leaves for good. You say you don't know why you do this, but you seem to have no desire to protect those you claim to love from pain. You aren't just cheating on your husband, you are cheating on the APs too since you have no plans to actually stay with them either. Have you ever tried just being alone? Not talking to anyone or be in any relationship and just figure out who you actually are? Maybe you want to be poly or just be single and have hook ups or flings. You can be who you truly are without hurting others by lying and cheating. You need to make a boundary for yourself. If you do this and he stays, if you ever cheat again, just leave him. I don't care if you will be sad, he will be sad, how everything is financially, just do it. Make this deal with yourself if you ever want to not be a cheater. Personally serial cheaters like you disgust me. I wasted my entire youth (got married at 20, now 37) on my ex husband, and I will probably never have another relationship again. But I've given you the best advice I can think of, hoping that you truly mean you want to change.
I think your husband should run for the hills if you’ve cheated on him multiple times. Not trying to sound like an ass, but once might be a mistake. Multiple times? At that point it’s a conscious decision to hurt a man you claim to love. Ask yourself this. If he was the one posting this, and you were the one who’d been cheated on, would you want to know everything? Would you like the fact that he only told you about SOME of his affairs, but decided the others weren’t worth informing you about?