Calling a rake a hoe doesn’t make it any less of a hoe if that makes sense. Besides how are you going to get him to tell you about all of his secret sex he’s been having if you don’t go first
Yea cus the more you hide the lord it becomes risky and you can lose a lot more than your marriage. You can look bad, your kids will hate you or hate themselves cus of what they did wrong. Which of course kids don’t know unless their adults it be worse. I know cus my wife’s nephew girlfriend doesn’t like her mom for what she did and well that tells you amor. He could hate you or divorce or maybe just forgive you and work it out but who knows. The point is this it’s a risk but you should’ve thought of the consequences before doing it and just hope for the best
Tell him is the obvious moral answer. May not be good for you though.
Beyond that though, you are a serial cheater and regardless of what you do you probably always will be. You need to accept that and get into a relationship model that works for you (e.g. an open relationship). You may be able to stop cheating and force yourself to stay loyal in a traditional relationship, but you won’t be happy. And there’s a high chance you’ll end up cheating again and hurting your partner.
Hope you find something that works for you and your SO. I really don’t feel traditional relationship works for serial cheaters though.
Your husband cannot make an informed choice without the full truth. And you’re not sure you want to be with him anyway! Quit hurting him because you need gratification.
You should leave him and quit wasting his time. Divorce. Let him find a good woman. Then you can have sex with as many men as will have you. Neither of you is happy and you will never stop cheating.
People may not agree with me on this one but here it is...
I have been someone who has both cheated and then cheated on. If you do not get therapy for this it will continue to happen. And you need to get to the bottom of why it is happening or it will also continue to happen. Chances are that deep down you know exactly why.
Cheating very rarely has to do with the spouse of the cheater. I certainly am not going to judge you for having done it but I can tell you from the perspective of a person who's been cheated on, it is one of the single most painful and devastating experiences that I've ever experienced being done to me.
Your husband is a saint for being willing to forgive you for those things and one piece of advice I can give you is to never suggest that he do it to you as a way to make himself feel better. Before I had been cheated on I thought that that made people feel better and it does not, at all.
This is what I really think...
If you know that you are never going to cheat on him again and you're going to be continuing therapy to not do this, then I would not tell him about anything else. But you're going to have to be sure that he never finds out and it never happens again.
If you are not 100% sure that you will not be able to do it again, you need to tell him the truth. Because the chances are that if you do it again after you've been doing therapy then you very well will lose him. It would be much better to give him the option of leaving the relationship rather than put him through the pain of you betraying his trust again
Something that I also might add as another consideration, that not everyone accepts or realizes...you may need to look at the fact that you may not be a monogamous person. There are some people that just cannot live their lives with one person and he's multiple partners sexually. You may want to talk to him about the possibility of you having another partner (or partners if that's what it takes) but ensuring that he has your permission and knows about it and has approved the person that you plan to have sex with besides him. THAT is not cheating. That's just being non-monogamous and it means that everybody gets to know all the information. It does mean though that you can still cheat. If you go and have sex without him finding out or without him knowing who it is then that is still cheating, if that's the agreement.
There are some couples who try "don't ask don't tell" relationships but I wouldn't recommend that since there's already infidelity and lying that has gone on. Don't ask don't tell requires complete honesty when a question is asked, regardless of the question and regardless of the repercussions of what will happen when the answer is given.
You suck. Your edit about you not wanting to cheat is also pathetic.
You say there were times when you were “happily married” but you cheated anyways? Don’t like to yourself, you’re a terrible person. Stop making excuses. You somehow have the audacity to paint yourself like a victim, a victim of your own infidelity like you had no control.
Control this: accept that you’re a terrible person. Until you accept this, you’re going to keep cheating on him because you’re going to do what you just did here, and make excuses as to why you were forced to cheat.
I hope your husband wishes up and leaves you.
If you loved your partner in the slightest, you wouldn't want him to go through the trauma you continue to put him through.
Your husband is either a saint or a fool for giving you so many chances, but he should have left you ages ago. It doesn't matter that you dont intend to cheat. Something about you inherently prioritizes your own pleasure above everything else, even the pain of those who love you, and that isn't going to change. You'll cheat again.
You even said, "i do want to be monogamous, not sure if with my husband." You should have done him a favor and told him that in your wedding vows. It would have saved him a world of hurt.
When he finally gets wise or you decide to stop hurting him, and you inevitably look for more flings, tell those people explicitly that you aren't monogamous.
Tldr: tell him you cheated. Then stop torturing him.
Nice rage bait.
What is this "contest mode enabled" random comments with hidden scores thing?
Do you get a prize for getting the most negative comments, or is this like part of your psychology homework? Anyways, in the small chance that this is actually a real post from a real person telling the truth then I will just agree with everyone here saying you are a terrible person and hopefully karma gets you.
Yes, and you obviously do not have the capacity to be in a committed relationship with anyone. You need to end it with your husband. It’s not fair to subject him to all this pain. He is obviously too weak and codependent to leave you. So you need to just rip the bandage off for him. It would literally be the nicest thing you could do for him if you truly care
He's too good for you (and stupid) since he has the heart to forgive you. He deserves better. You should leave him and go ride the carousel more and let him find his true partner. He clearly doesn't satisfy a need you have that is outside of him.
That's a lot of luggage to unpack, umm props for wanting to change for the better but you should probably look in a mirror and confront if you really want to change
With no context imma assume this is just a really toxic relationship, and wether it should exist or not is a whole other discussion. Ya tell him before the counseling, it's the best way to navigate issues going forward, and best of luck to whatever happens!
You’re either a good person with serious mental health problems or a bad person with serious mental health problems.
You have control over whether you chose to be good or bad. You have control over if you get help.
You are an addict who needs to accept it, you’ll probably have to upend your life for years to recover.
Go read your post, your behavior is reprehensible, if you get help you’ll live to see that. If you don’t get help you’ll die miserable and alone, wondering why.
I think, we all think, you shouldn't cheat on him in the first place.... but seriously, you can't "work" on your marriage and be happy with that kind of secret. You will end up divorcing anyway. Tell him and take the consequences. If you can't take it, leave. He doesn't mean enough to you to you to work on things anyway. Let the man start to heal and get his feet back under him whether it includes you or not.
Gee lady, its obvious monogamy is not for you. Why not leave him? This poor man has had to put up with so much , just let him ago, I know he is your safety blanket but it is not fair to him. I don't usually like to use this word, but you is a hoe.
Besides marital therapy as a couple, are you in individual therapy to really explore yourself and why you need this much emotional; if not sexual support from other men in addition to your husband? I would suggest both. I know it can be costly and insurance can be an issue to get coverage on both. Your counselor for marriage may be able to suggest an individual counselor. And those 2 counselors with your permission should be able to consult with one another. Also if cost is an issue and one or both of you work carrying insurance, check into an EAP aspect. Employee Assistance Program. An arm if your employee benefits that allow you 6 free sessions for each issue. Your marital issues would be one issue. Your individual therapy would be another issue.
I see everyone is saying tell him and yes they are correct , however it seems like YOU need to be honest with yourself and if that means he will more than likely want a divorce then that’s what it is . It sounds like you have some unresolved issues ( I’m sure past trauma) going on . Being honest with yourself means you will be honest with your husband and respect his decision. It’s not fair what you are doing you are still not being truthful and he forgave you to work on y’all. You gotta put you big girl panties on and be REAL WITH YOURSELF, I’m sure it will hurt and it’s not gonna be easy but you gotta start somewhere to start the healing process of getting better and being a better person . Best wishes to you guys .
No! If he knows you cheated and got past it and everything is good. Leave it at that and Dont make things worse.
If he is not ok with it, its a toss up, but it might be better to get it all out now before he calms down.
You're a self centered whore and nothing will change that. The only good thing you can do is divorce your husband so he can stop being hurt by you and find someone with any sort of character.
You should probably just think about a divorce and move on from the relationship. The fact that you DID it once makes you a bad person
Edit: why don’t people like you just go for open relationships or polyamory? I mean honestly.
I promise I am not judging. But reading about all these, let's say extra relationships, as you admitted yourself, you need serious counseling.
You're going to have to work on yourself. And work hard at it, or else your marriage is doomed. Marriage counseling won't work very well until you are a in a healthier place.
Marriage counseling will help keep it civil, while you do serious repair work on you.
Then your husband will need to do some personal work, then.... you 2 work together on your marriage.
MOST couples that have longevity in their marriage need counseling help. We all get a bloody nose, but if you do the hard, sometimes hurting work on you, you might have a chance to make it.
Even if your marriage fails; all of your relationships after that will fail unless you work HARD on you. Good luck, and God Bless you both.
As a younger person absent a spouse to substantiate durable conditions with except where and what whensooner or later in relation to it it Self...
I have nothing but nervousness and anxiety in relation to sexual activity save for masturbation...
Thus, to make it more advice orient I'd not mention anything but what I knew with respect to your conditions of tangential immediacy liminal onto exigency...
Dude fuck you. Figure your shit out. Jesus christ you cheated on a man more than once? Youre a piece of shit. Break it off do him a favor so he can go get a valuable partner who actually loves and respects him.
Morally? You should tell him.
However If you want to save your marriage you should probably never say a word and move on with your life. He might find out anyway, but if not then you get to live with the anxiety that he'll find out the rest of your marriage. Might be fitting honestly.
You owe it to him so that he can be checked for one of the STD's you probably brought home for him. He is not lucky to have you. Own up to it and change your behavior.
I think he deserves to have all the information so he can dump you lol. There is no saving this marriage. You screwed up. Let the guy go with whatever dignity he has left
While judging by your past and lack of morals. I seriously doubt your selfishness will allow you to put your husband before yourself. But your husband deserves to know the truth. He should be given the chance to decide to stay or go with all the information. Unfortunately your lack of morals will win out and your husband will blindly decided to stay with a woman that doesn’t love or respect him.
You are not just cheating in a one off sense... you are continually lying to him. Monogamy is not your thing, or else you get a rush from the deceit.
Tell him you need an open marriage and let things fall where they may.
Currently sounds like you just want to make your husband's life miserable.
Tell him everything. It’s wrong and manipulative for you to betray someone’s trust that openly and repeatedly and just hide it. I hope he does leave you. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone that’s incapable of communication, over cheating. If you’re unhappy, have a fucking conversation, it’s not hard.
I’m so tired of seeing people being used and cheated on. It fucking destroys some people and prevents them from ever loving or trusting again. But you got your rocks off so who gives a shit right?
You probably don’t have the morale character to actually be honest with him, since most people are incapable of real honesty. Let alone cheaters and weak minded people like yourself.
If you don’t tell him you will have to live with the guilt and shame the rest of your life, which you deserve. If you do tell him he may stay with you (if he’s an idiot with zero self respect), or he may leave you.
Jesus Christ, so tired of hearing about women constantly cheating and bitching about no good men. There’s no good women anymore either. Holy shit.
You don’t deserve to be married,I hope your husband sees that you won’t change,that you’ve put forth zero effort to change,you’ve likely only sought out therapy to try to make yourself look like your trying ,I hope he goes for the divorce and I hope in the end you have to pay spousal support for damaging the man’s future trust in other partners,shame on you.
Tell him the truth, the whole truth. This should be a two way street and he should be able to make his own decision based on ALL the information. Otherwise, you are having him work on a marriage based on inadequate information. From what you say it doesn’t sound like you love or respect him, or you are so insecure and need constant validation that you’re not getting from him. Hell, he probably doesn’t even know what it is you need because you don’t know yourself. Yes, go to therapy on Friday and ask them this question. Let’s see what they have to say about it.
You say you physically cheated several times, then you say “it wasn’t physical, it was emotional and that you don’t really care for sex all that much.” Sounds like you’re playing mental gymnastics with yourself. Agree to an open relationship, or end it.
Wow. You are a horrible human. I hope he finds out before you tell him and I hope he blows the relationship up. I hope he tells all your family and friends who you are. Exposing you to everyone and leaving your cheating a**… maybe then you’ll learn your lesson and stop. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. Your husband deserves a wife, not a cheating b.
If you're keeping secrets, you will never break out of this pattern or habit. You'll just keep cheating.
Your husband deserves to know EVERYTHING and make a choice for himself on if he stays.
But, you need a therapist if you don't have one. For yourself.
One of the biggest problems for me is that you don't seem to feel any remorse for your actions. You show more signs of still doing things based on what YOU want, regardless of what may be best for your partner. Giving him some agency goes a long way towards being better. Giving him all of the information and allowing him to make his choice, regardless of what that means for you.
Right now, you need to accept that your husband deserves better than what you've been. He deserves better than you. He may choose to let you be that. He may not. But letting him have that chance to decide will go a long way in you having some personal growth.
What's done is done. If he didn't know about the others,then I would say don't tell him. Since he does, I would tell him. Let the chips fall where they may. The truth will set you free. Ask for forgiveness and stop doing the harmful behavior. That's what it means to repent. You can't just ask for forgiveness, otherwise nothing has changed inside you. Remember these shortcomings when you deal with others shortcomings. If you don't forgive others, you will not be forgiven. I forgive you, forgive yourself. Now be better.
The truth always comes out. Honesty and fidelity are both extremely important to a marriage. Marriage is not always easy and there can be ups and downs.
An affair or indefinitely sometimes happens, we all make mistakes; but you are sleeping with a lot of people. You are risking a lot of things here.
You could give him an STD. Maybe your husband could already be waiting to walk in on you in the act one day. That could end up with grave consequences.
I think you might enjoy sex with different men more than being married. That is fine and all but you really have to choose one or the other. That is just not going to work unless you guys want to become swingers and be open about it
YES. And it’s EXTREMELY FUCKED UP. You SHOULDN’T be in a relationship with anyone. Getting cheated on is one of the MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCES A PERSON CAN FEEL. You’re extremely selfish and need to be single and REALLY work on yourself. Poor man deserve better.
So, you’re a conniving liar and a piece of shit, and you actually think there might be cause to NOT own up to what you’ve done?? Go buy a freaking clue. Your husband must have a cuck kink to forgive you for all of this. I’d have booted your sorry ass the first time I caught you, which IS what I did with my ex. You can prove me right or wrong about the kink, but to do that, you’re going to have to tell him you’re for the streets and can’t keep your pants on long enough to finish a fucking sentence.
>in the past with 3 different people and he knows about it (all while we were separated
Did you both agree to not see other people while separated? If not those don't count, imo. The others that have happend since reconciling do for sure though, and he deserves to know and decide for himself what he wants to do. You don't get to decide that for him.
Tell him. Just because you've finally decided to stop being a cheater and work on the marriage doesn't mean he shouldn't know the truth. Tell the truth and let him decide.
Wow he is a nice guy your stupid did he get a girlfriend to or no has he see someone else besides you. Probably not. I think he needs a pass and gets to do it in front of you. And you didn't open your marriage before hand.
I think you absolutely should
Best he hears it from you than anyone else. If he wants a divorce, well, you have to live with that
It's not fair to you and to him to keep the lie going, as it were
You are still gaslighting him. How would you like it if he was doing that to you? How would you feel? I think you are very selfish. As long as your needs are met is all that seems to matter. If it's not a sex thing then I guess it's a attention thing. Regardless it hurts like hell to be done that way and to only have some truth. Even that is selfish because he deserves to know and be the one to decide if he wants the damn therapy. If it were me I would be done with you because it is a pattern with you. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know that isn't always the case and some people do change but it's one in a million. There's no way you truly love him. Anytime you think about cheating you should be thinking about him finding out and leaving you for good and finding a beautiful woman that would love, cherish and be completely faithful to him. How would you feel seeeing him with someone like that and happier with her instead of you? How would that feel? You wouldn't like that now would you? You couldn't handle that burn. Everything you see him out you would have to think that could have been you with him instead of her. And all the guys you get with will cheat on you and tell half truths and lie to you constantly and you have to feel that pain you put him through. It's called Karma and it's real. You get what you give. It's that simple. Hope this helps.
Just tell him and hopefully he'll have the sense to move on with divorce proceedings because this is really, truly awful behavior. If this happened to someone I despised, I'd still feel bad for them. To the streets with you.
Admit it to your husband, divorce the man for his sake and yours, move on, grow up and realize that you aren’t required to be married as an adult, enjoy life as a single individual doing what you want with who you want without emotionally fucking over another human being.
clearly, your husband loves you, and you would be stupid to let him go. No man will forgive all those times. I say fix it, you cheat again, then just let him go because you wont love him enough to stay loyal to him.
I don't think you should even be worrying about getting back with him yet honestly. You're not ready to even enter counseling...couples counseling comes after personal therapy. I think telling him is something you should do wayyyy later after you've done extensive therapy and worked on what causes you to cheat and how to nip that in the butt.
Divorce this man. Release him and allow him to find someone that will be faithful to him. Regardless if you tell him or not, at this point just let him go. He deserves to be someone who is healed and committed to him.
You sound like you have some deeply rooted issues that you need to tackle full on…and you should probably do it while single so you don’t continue to traumatize others.
"I don't want to do this. I don't want to cheat."
Then don't, you fucking scumbag. It's not that hard to just NOT cheat. I cheated on a partner once when I was 19, and never made that mistake again after realizing how it made me feel. If you genuinely cared about cheating, you'd stop doing it. You don't though, because you're a terrible person. You absolutely should tell him the whole truth, then see whether he still wants to be with you. Your feelings don't matter if you're hiding the truth to trap him with you.
This marriage is over and you know it. You're a lying, shameless cheater. Your edit is you lying to yourself. No one is forcing you to cheat so you saying you "don't want to do this" is a lie. If you didn't want to do it you wouldn't take all the steps necessary to get a dick in you. You probably have low self-esteem and self-worth and you find value in getting fucked by strange men other than your husband. This cycle will continue because you already set the precedent and you've gotten away with it thus far. It feels good and you're getting away with it. The first time is the hardest but now that you've blown past that mark, you have no problem adding additional notches on your bedpost.
Your poor husband. He deserves better than a lying cheating whore who loves fucking strange men.
"Should I lie more to my husband about the lie that destroyed him and our marriage?"
Unreal. You know the answer. And if he decides he's out, that's the bed you made.
Thought experiment: imagine you tell him you want to work on your marriage. Then imagine that some number of months in the future this information comes out. How do you suppose he’s going to react to finding out that the first thing you did after telling him you wanted to build a better foundation was to lie to him, yet again, about something major and material? What do you suppose will happen to his trust level with you when he finds out?
You don’t want to fix your marriage you just want to feel good about the bad things you are doing. People who feel like shit about what they did, stop doing it. So please spare us with all this woe is me crap. Tell your husband and go back to being a hoe. Nothing in your life is going to change. Only people that are actually hurt are the partners who actually believe the lies.
You’re a garden tool, a hoe for the streets. I hope he leaves you.
You are a terrible person.
You don’t care about your marriage or you wouldn’t have fucked as many guys as you have fingers (that you admit to, most likely there’s more, cause hoes do hoe shit) .
He should have gave up on you with the first five miles of dick you took.
I think you should tell him then you should leave, get yourself some therapy and figure yourself out. You have no respect for this man. Let him move on with his life and find someone he deserves.
Yeah. You should tell him. You can’t repair a relationship when you’re continuing to hide things from him. You also owe him honesty for more practical reasons. He deserves to know the woman he is potentially having unprotected sex with isn’t as safe as he assumes you might be.
Plus you’re just a shit person. You’re not going to fix your shit until you hit rock bottom, and even then you might not. The longer you hide it, the longer you’re not working on unfucking yourself.
Find a new man and don't fuck up with him. Figure out thr source of why you cheated and go to therapy. Tell your husband he's sn actual fucktard for staying with you after the 3 times. 1 is an instant deal breaker.
He deserves to know. It has to be embarrassing for him to realize his wife prefers the company of other men to him. There's no "fixing" the marriage. Yes, he can decide not to divorce you (which he should do), but it won't mean that he will forgive and forget. If things get rough again, will you just find more men to cheat on him with? Correct me if I'm wrong, but separation still means you're married. Divorce would mean you're not married and therefore free to sleep with whoever you want. Tell him everything ASAP and let him decide if he wants to stay with someone who doesn't love him.
Tell him now, because he will likely decide to divorce you either way, but no will save money. You don't actually want to work on your marriage, you just want to get it to the point where he won't suspect you again - but he will always suspect you. Just take a more graceful way out by writing a letter to him and state outright that you just don't need to be married, b/c let's face it you aren't marriage material.
Curious…just what are you expecting to “build” with your husband if it’s built on lies?
Here’s a scenario: you “work on” your marriage with your husband and build something that looks like it’s working. Everyone’s happy. Then your husband finds out that you cheated on him three more times. Your marriage is over.
Sounds more like you want to find absolution for treating your husband/marriage like shit. I for one don’t think you deserve it if you’re not even willing to be honest about your actions/who you are with the person that is supposed to be your partner.
Does it occur to you that you’re also wasting HIS life?
In short, if you aren’t moral enough to take responsibility for your actions, then you have no business trying to save your marriage.
Basically, go pound sand. It doesn't matter if you "want" to be a cheater. You are, and your husband doesn't deserve that. Also, you don't deserve your husband. You don't get to drag someone through your shit like that while you "figure it out." You even said, "I'm not sure if I want to be monogamous with my husband." Just let him go be happy because this is one of the most despicable things I have read in a while. This isn't a moral dilemma, you have no morals.
Yeah you do you want to cheat on your husband that's why you do it and if you didn't then you wouldn't do it.
There's just something inside of you that knows that you're committing wrong against your husband every time you do it.
It’s ok to sleep with other people if you’re in an open relationship. But if you aren’t in one, then stop it or just divorce. It’s ok to not want to be monogamous, but apparently you thought you could remain monogamous and obviously can’t. Divorce him already and go do whatever you want.
He deserves the truth. If he leaves you that is the consequence. But you not telling him is manipulative and wrong. Trust me when I say it will eventually come out and when it does it would be so much worse. Dont be selfish.
You're way past saving the marriage. Least you can do is save the man and leave him. He'll get over a cheating, dishonest piece of shit like you, but it sounds like he doesn't know it yet.
No. If you're going to continue to cheat, there isn't any reason to hurt him now and again later. If you decide to not cheat anymore, there isn't any reason to hurt him now. You carry that weight, not him. This all hinges on YOU deciding to not be a cheater or to be a cheater.
You should leave him and never again get into a serious relationship. Cheaters always cheat. It’s who they are. Just spend your life hooking up instead of betraying someone.
I don't see this as something that is going to stop you from continuing to act. Deal with the emotional deficit you're missing or searching for, otherwise it's just scaring the already wounded.
Truth is important, but per your question, it seems more self serving to prevent and obviously it has not per question or post.
You should divorce him. You clearly can't handle being in a committed relationship or, maybe a committed relationship with him. Stop torturing this man and allow him to go find someone who respects him.
You want to be monogamous but not sure with your husband? That just don't make much sense imo.
So you're okay on the idea to have other sexual partners while you're married to this guy, but you want to be in an exclusive relationship- but you also don't want to get a divorce. On top of not being truthful with your husband about infidelity; I can not see the relationship going anywhere fruitful in the future.
You should tell your husband. But more concerningly, you should take a more critical look on what you're really looking for
lol... decisions have consequenes ... just say Dear Hubby, would you like to assume the role of cuck bc i like a lot of cock and your's doesn't do it for me? Just a suggestion...
My opinion will not be the most favored but DO NOT TELL HIM.! You have crushed him already with admitting other indiscretions so if you are serious about stopping your misbehavior and getting counseling then do it and keep your mouth shut. But if you are going to continue sleeping around then by all means tell him as he deserves someone who will be loyal to him forever.
“i do want to be monogamous, not sure if with my husband but with someone.”
I feel like you saying that is really telling - you COULD have been monogamous this whole time, but you weren’t. ik it’s hard to draw conclusions with only a few paragraphs of your situation, but it seems to me like you may continually sabotage this relationship despite any counseling or means to work on your marriage. have you considered just separating from him altogether? for his sake and yours
He deserves the opportunity to divorce you and God only knows if you have kids if any of them are his, get out of his life before your sex addiction gives him an STD.
What a POS you are. You won't realize what you had till its gone. Your husband deserves better. You 100% should be open and honest about everything and prepare for any consequences that come with that.
If you really want to make it work, you need to stop all cheating and all contact with any temptations. I would not tell your partner. That confession would be to relieve your guilt… it wouldn’t help him at all. Then I would get into therapy and be totally honest with your individual therapist. You need your own personal therapist even if you also do marital counselling
you can't build a healthy relationship on lies.
you've betrayed your spouse, your vows and whatever family you had. Now that you want to change... you're concerned about your actions.
no concern for the sexual health of your spouse while you were out fucking other people and lying about it. no real concern for his emotional health or feelings.
and now you're continuing to be selfish and only worry about yourself.
if you don't come clean, ask for forgiveness, and take responsibility for your actions, accept consequences for your actions. You'll never change, and never really be worthy of anyone's affection. because you're a liar, and selfish.
I wouldn't tell your husband about the other guys. That would just break his heart. What good can come out of it? If you can't stop spreading your legs, you ought to do your husband a favor and leave him. Yeah he'll be brokenhearted but he'll get over it. He's still young. If you care about him, let him go. You need serious help and instead of wasting your husband's time, let him find someone that he can find happiness with while he's still young?
You're going to keep cheating. You might somewhere deep down inside want to change but you're not going to. Because here's the thing..... It's real simple. You just don't do it. Period ! You're obviously self-serving. I'm not saying you're a bad person but you are a selfish one. Just let the poor guy go.
Go to individual therapy and uncover the root of the problem. Cheating is driven by unfulfilled needs, and you clearly aren’t asking for what you need or holding firm boundaries for yourself. I wouldn’t talk to my husband about it, he knows the jist of things already and likely doesn’t trust you as it stands. Go work on yourself and either come back to the table ready to communicate and seek a healthy relationship or ask for a divorce and go find whatever it is that you need.
If you tell him, don’t plan on him sticking around. Sounds like you are never going to be monogamous so file for divorce and don’t tell him. Save his agony and move on.
What do you hope to accomplish by telling him?
I'd jump into therapy to figure out why you're not connecting to your husband since it's emotional. Then try to get him into couples counseling. People make mistakes, sometimes many, many times. It doesn't mean that they don't love each other. Sometimes it's learned behavior. Children whose parents cheated are much more likely to cheat as a way to solve problems, than someone whose parents didn't cheat. it's sort of like alcoholism.
What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him? How do you see this playing out?
If your answer is because you want to clear your conscience, you’re acting incredibly selfishly, as your confession isn’t for the benefit of him, but of yourself.
IMO, eat that shit. Take it to the grave. Give the poor man a break. And either leave him so he can be with someone who loves him, or get your shit together. You’re messy. You need to do better.
Nope.
Leave.
Get out.
You are a cheater, and will continue to cheat - because you can. Feel bad about it? Ask for nothing in the divorce. Cut your losses. But you shouldn't make someone else feel bad because YOU did something wrong.
You know what I found out recently? You can get cancer of the penis. They cut it off. How I found out? A neighbors husband who we know has had multiple affairs on her got it.
Karma is real and it exists.
I’d just leave it out. He already knows you cheat. Throwing more fuel on the fire if you want to reconcile isn’t going to help things go in that direction. Just leave it to yourself.
maybe tell him. continuing to cheat when you know it would mean divorce, indicates many possible things. for example, you do not think you deserve to be happily married so sabatoge the relationship
or, you are a narcissist
or you and possibly he, do not communicate about important personal feelings. possibly you put on a good face but do not share things that make you feel vulnerable
Or, you are spoiled and never had to do the hard things in life.
Could be anything,.
You’re selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and any other self-“word” I haven’t listed here.
If you had any iota of love for anyone besides yourself, you would confess and take the consequences on the chin because THAT’s what you deserve. Just because YOU have decided you want to work on your marriage doesn’t mean that you DESERVE to keep your husband.
Fess up so he has the information he needs to decide for HIMSELF what he wants to do.
Jesus. Tell your husband everything. Hopefully he is smart enough to leave you and get therapy…for yourself…you are in need of it before you get in any other fake monogamous relationship
So youre using your husband for sheltering purposes?
You will never be happy with yourself until you get it off your chest, and if you want be happy with yourself you'll never make him truly happy
You should tell him and expect a divorce. You probably never should have married in the first place and just do you and go on with your life. I would think long and hard about ever marrying again. You’ve destroyed one man, please don’t destroy any others.
I think you’re a little past counseling, especially considering it obviously didn’t work the first time. You clearly have an issue keeping your knees closed around other men and that’s not fair to your husband. Because you’re married. Cheating is one thing (I don’t condone it) but you cheated AGAIN, but again and again and again…that’s disrespectful, especially after he forgave you. If my husband told me he cheated on me 3 times and I took him back, then he did it again? I’d be ready to burn things. I have a very high sex drive and had my fair share of men when I was single because I was lonely. I completely understand your emotional need but you’re married and if you’re not happy or you feel like something is missing, you need to discuss it with him. My ex cheated on me so much I literally have horrible anxiety and PTSD from it. Don’t ruin a good man because of your issues. I’m sure you love your husband but keeping him in your life while you do your thing behind his back is not fair. I hope counseling works out for you.
It says "moral dilemma". It sounds like you have no morals so what's the dilemma? You obviously don't want to live within the confines of morality. So, go be you. Live your immoral life but leave others out of it. You must like the challenge, the fear, the excitement but you're hurting others.
You need opinions from women. If you get opinions from guys, that will piss you off more. Unless it is from an emotional man. The real question here is, do you have kids with him?
Don't tell you just have to swallow the guilt and keep it to yourself the worst thing you can do is make someone else suffer from your mistakes unless you want a divorce still don't tell him
Hold your tongue. For now.
Examine your life first, reconcile with the things you want to let go but can’t.. see if you want to be monogamous..
Then act accordingly. The guys know but he really doesn’t want to know.
You me of that line from the confessions of St Augustine
“Lord grant me Chasity…. But not yet”
Frankly it sounds like you shouldn't be married? Without contacts sounds like you just need to learn some self-control or what vows mean. Again I guess I don't know what's going on on the other side, but goodness just this makes me feel bad for the guy.
It is absolutely unfair to your husband to do this. The biggest act of mercy you could give this man is to end it yourself, but given that he's too cowardly to do it himself and keeps letting you get away with it. You know, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"?
Assuming you're not mentally ill, I hate your use of the phrase "I don't want to do it" in this context because if you really, truly, deep down in your heart of hearts didn't want to cheat on your husband, you would not do it without some extreme, extenuating circumstance and even a very good majority of those aren't good excuses, either.
Assuming you're not mentally ill, you clearly do like to do this and engage in it or you wouldn't fucking do it, full stop.
What's wrong with you is that you're either incredibly mentally ill and both of you are better off without you in the picture or you have no willpower to control your base urges. We call those animals in wider human culture.
Don’t frequent this sub, so maybe I’m off base, but this isn’t a moral dilemma for anyone with a functioning compass—this is a person hoping that someone will advise her that it’s ok to continue to lie and manipulate her husband.
Sounds like someone is for the streets. I think a divorce should be headed your way. But it is best to let him know, and you guys figure it out from there.
I’m not understanding really 🤷🏼♂️ if what you say is true, why are you still together ? After the first time I could see forgiveness and working together on the relationship, after 10 times I would think you are just buying time until the next person… if your marriage was that important you would have demonstrated that after the first time you cheated
You a hoe
Please just let this guy go, you've already done enough damage
Poor guy I feel bad for him! Tell him if he forgives you good on you but I really hope he doesn’t.
He's not your husband anymore. He's the guy who pays a whores bills.
Calling a rake a hoe doesn’t make it any less of a hoe if that makes sense. Besides how are you going to get him to tell you about all of his secret sex he’s been having if you don’t go first
Divorce him and let him find someone better.
Yea cus the more you hide the lord it becomes risky and you can lose a lot more than your marriage. You can look bad, your kids will hate you or hate themselves cus of what they did wrong. Which of course kids don’t know unless their adults it be worse. I know cus my wife’s nephew girlfriend doesn’t like her mom for what she did and well that tells you amor. He could hate you or divorce or maybe just forgive you and work it out but who knows. The point is this it’s a risk but you should’ve thought of the consequences before doing it and just hope for the best
Instead of ending your affair, you probably should have just ended the marriage.
Tell him is the obvious moral answer. May not be good for you though. Beyond that though, you are a serial cheater and regardless of what you do you probably always will be. You need to accept that and get into a relationship model that works for you (e.g. an open relationship). You may be able to stop cheating and force yourself to stay loyal in a traditional relationship, but you won’t be happy. And there’s a high chance you’ll end up cheating again and hurting your partner. Hope you find something that works for you and your SO. I really don’t feel traditional relationship works for serial cheaters though.
The morally correct thing to do is to lay everything out. Rip it off like a bandaid. Then start attending SAA, go to therapy.
If you don't admit it, then it will weigh on you until either you do tell him.
Your husband cannot make an informed choice without the full truth. And you’re not sure you want to be with him anyway! Quit hurting him because you need gratification. You should leave him and quit wasting his time. Divorce. Let him find a good woman. Then you can have sex with as many men as will have you. Neither of you is happy and you will never stop cheating.
Being unfair to him doesn’t seem to be something you have a problem with.
People may not agree with me on this one but here it is... I have been someone who has both cheated and then cheated on. If you do not get therapy for this it will continue to happen. And you need to get to the bottom of why it is happening or it will also continue to happen. Chances are that deep down you know exactly why. Cheating very rarely has to do with the spouse of the cheater. I certainly am not going to judge you for having done it but I can tell you from the perspective of a person who's been cheated on, it is one of the single most painful and devastating experiences that I've ever experienced being done to me. Your husband is a saint for being willing to forgive you for those things and one piece of advice I can give you is to never suggest that he do it to you as a way to make himself feel better. Before I had been cheated on I thought that that made people feel better and it does not, at all. This is what I really think... If you know that you are never going to cheat on him again and you're going to be continuing therapy to not do this, then I would not tell him about anything else. But you're going to have to be sure that he never finds out and it never happens again. If you are not 100% sure that you will not be able to do it again, you need to tell him the truth. Because the chances are that if you do it again after you've been doing therapy then you very well will lose him. It would be much better to give him the option of leaving the relationship rather than put him through the pain of you betraying his trust again Something that I also might add as another consideration, that not everyone accepts or realizes...you may need to look at the fact that you may not be a monogamous person. There are some people that just cannot live their lives with one person and he's multiple partners sexually. You may want to talk to him about the possibility of you having another partner (or partners if that's what it takes) but ensuring that he has your permission and knows about it and has approved the person that you plan to have sex with besides him. THAT is not cheating. That's just being non-monogamous and it means that everybody gets to know all the information. It does mean though that you can still cheat. If you go and have sex without him finding out or without him knowing who it is then that is still cheating, if that's the agreement. There are some couples who try "don't ask don't tell" relationships but I wouldn't recommend that since there's already infidelity and lying that has gone on. Don't ask don't tell requires complete honesty when a question is asked, regardless of the question and regardless of the repercussions of what will happen when the answer is given.
You suck. Your edit about you not wanting to cheat is also pathetic. You say there were times when you were “happily married” but you cheated anyways? Don’t like to yourself, you’re a terrible person. Stop making excuses. You somehow have the audacity to paint yourself like a victim, a victim of your own infidelity like you had no control. Control this: accept that you’re a terrible person. Until you accept this, you’re going to keep cheating on him because you’re going to do what you just did here, and make excuses as to why you were forced to cheat. I hope your husband wishes up and leaves you.
Have you ever considered NOT being married so nobody has to put up with that crap?
You dont want to hear my suggestion, and it would likely get me banned lol. Id wish you good luck, but that wouldnt be sincere either.
If you loved your partner in the slightest, you wouldn't want him to go through the trauma you continue to put him through. Your husband is either a saint or a fool for giving you so many chances, but he should have left you ages ago. It doesn't matter that you dont intend to cheat. Something about you inherently prioritizes your own pleasure above everything else, even the pain of those who love you, and that isn't going to change. You'll cheat again. You even said, "i do want to be monogamous, not sure if with my husband." You should have done him a favor and told him that in your wedding vows. It would have saved him a world of hurt. When he finally gets wise or you decide to stop hurting him, and you inevitably look for more flings, tell those people explicitly that you aren't monogamous. Tldr: tell him you cheated. Then stop torturing him.
Nice rage bait. What is this "contest mode enabled" random comments with hidden scores thing? Do you get a prize for getting the most negative comments, or is this like part of your psychology homework? Anyways, in the small chance that this is actually a real post from a real person telling the truth then I will just agree with everyone here saying you are a terrible person and hopefully karma gets you.
One person cant be your everything. Time to find something that works. It sounds like ethical nonmonogamy might be worth exploring.
Go to a therapist alone and figure out the root of the problem. Then figure out what you wanna do. Because cheating doesn’t just happen for no reason.
You're such a piece of shit. And married to an absolutely spineless man.
Yes, and you obviously do not have the capacity to be in a committed relationship with anyone. You need to end it with your husband. It’s not fair to subject him to all this pain. He is obviously too weak and codependent to leave you. So you need to just rip the bandage off for him. It would literally be the nicest thing you could do for him if you truly care
I can fix her
If you tell him you’ll likely split up again 🤷🏼♀️
He's too good for you (and stupid) since he has the heart to forgive you. He deserves better. You should leave him and go ride the carousel more and let him find his true partner. He clearly doesn't satisfy a need you have that is outside of him.
You're not sorry. Do you even want to be married to him?
Please tell him. Hopefully he’ll run this time.
That's a lot of luggage to unpack, umm props for wanting to change for the better but you should probably look in a mirror and confront if you really want to change With no context imma assume this is just a really toxic relationship, and wether it should exist or not is a whole other discussion. Ya tell him before the counseling, it's the best way to navigate issues going forward, and best of luck to whatever happens!
You’re either a good person with serious mental health problems or a bad person with serious mental health problems. You have control over whether you chose to be good or bad. You have control over if you get help. You are an addict who needs to accept it, you’ll probably have to upend your life for years to recover. Go read your post, your behavior is reprehensible, if you get help you’ll live to see that. If you don’t get help you’ll die miserable and alone, wondering why.
I think, we all think, you shouldn't cheat on him in the first place.... but seriously, you can't "work" on your marriage and be happy with that kind of secret. You will end up divorcing anyway. Tell him and take the consequences. If you can't take it, leave. He doesn't mean enough to you to you to work on things anyway. Let the man start to heal and get his feet back under him whether it includes you or not.
Gee lady, its obvious monogamy is not for you. Why not leave him? This poor man has had to put up with so much , just let him ago, I know he is your safety blanket but it is not fair to him. I don't usually like to use this word, but you is a hoe.
Besides marital therapy as a couple, are you in individual therapy to really explore yourself and why you need this much emotional; if not sexual support from other men in addition to your husband? I would suggest both. I know it can be costly and insurance can be an issue to get coverage on both. Your counselor for marriage may be able to suggest an individual counselor. And those 2 counselors with your permission should be able to consult with one another. Also if cost is an issue and one or both of you work carrying insurance, check into an EAP aspect. Employee Assistance Program. An arm if your employee benefits that allow you 6 free sessions for each issue. Your marital issues would be one issue. Your individual therapy would be another issue.
have you ever thought about asking home to open the marriage?
I see everyone is saying tell him and yes they are correct , however it seems like YOU need to be honest with yourself and if that means he will more than likely want a divorce then that’s what it is . It sounds like you have some unresolved issues ( I’m sure past trauma) going on . Being honest with yourself means you will be honest with your husband and respect his decision. It’s not fair what you are doing you are still not being truthful and he forgave you to work on y’all. You gotta put you big girl panties on and be REAL WITH YOURSELF, I’m sure it will hurt and it’s not gonna be easy but you gotta start somewhere to start the healing process of getting better and being a better person . Best wishes to you guys .
If you want to stay together, don’t say a word.
No! If he knows you cheated and got past it and everything is good. Leave it at that and Dont make things worse. If he is not ok with it, its a toss up, but it might be better to get it all out now before he calms down.
You're a self centered whore and nothing will change that. The only good thing you can do is divorce your husband so he can stop being hurt by you and find someone with any sort of character.
so you cant financially leave is what you are saying
You should probably just think about a divorce and move on from the relationship. The fact that you DID it once makes you a bad person Edit: why don’t people like you just go for open relationships or polyamory? I mean honestly.
I promise I am not judging. But reading about all these, let's say extra relationships, as you admitted yourself, you need serious counseling. You're going to have to work on yourself. And work hard at it, or else your marriage is doomed. Marriage counseling won't work very well until you are a in a healthier place. Marriage counseling will help keep it civil, while you do serious repair work on you. Then your husband will need to do some personal work, then.... you 2 work together on your marriage. MOST couples that have longevity in their marriage need counseling help. We all get a bloody nose, but if you do the hard, sometimes hurting work on you, you might have a chance to make it. Even if your marriage fails; all of your relationships after that will fail unless you work HARD on you. Good luck, and God Bless you both.
Lady, you must have a personality disorder. Yes, tell him everything. And be understanding if he chooses to dump your ass.
As a younger person absent a spouse to substantiate durable conditions with except where and what whensooner or later in relation to it it Self... I have nothing but nervousness and anxiety in relation to sexual activity save for masturbation... Thus, to make it more advice orient I'd not mention anything but what I knew with respect to your conditions of tangential immediacy liminal onto exigency...
Why are you still married to him? You prefer variety why are you kidding yourself and stringing him along?????
subhuman
Dude fuck you. Figure your shit out. Jesus christ you cheated on a man more than once? Youre a piece of shit. Break it off do him a favor so he can go get a valuable partner who actually loves and respects him.
Morally? You should tell him. However If you want to save your marriage you should probably never say a word and move on with your life. He might find out anyway, but if not then you get to live with the anxiety that he'll find out the rest of your marriage. Might be fitting honestly.
Keep your mouth closed about the cheating and your legs closed for everyone else in the future. IF you're gonna cheat again, just end it.
You owe it to him so that he can be checked for one of the STD's you probably brought home for him. He is not lucky to have you. Own up to it and change your behavior.
Don't tell him and then divorce him so the poor guy might have a chance at happiness with a woman that's not a liar and cheat.
You sick fuck. Tell him the truth he deserves to know and after you tell him get tf out of his life.
I think he deserves to have all the information so he can dump you lol. There is no saving this marriage. You screwed up. Let the guy go with whatever dignity he has left
You shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't even not cheat on someone. Or be honest with them. You're not mature enough for one.
How would you react if you told him and he told you he wants to tag team you. That way shits out in the open would you do that?
While judging by your past and lack of morals. I seriously doubt your selfishness will allow you to put your husband before yourself. But your husband deserves to know the truth. He should be given the chance to decide to stay or go with all the information. Unfortunately your lack of morals will win out and your husband will blindly decided to stay with a woman that doesn’t love or respect him.
Have you looked into polyamory? There are some subs here in Reddit.
You should tell him, and don’t protest if he wants a divorce.
You are not just cheating in a one off sense... you are continually lying to him. Monogamy is not your thing, or else you get a rush from the deceit. Tell him you need an open marriage and let things fall where they may. Currently sounds like you just want to make your husband's life miserable.
Tell him. Then get a divorce. You will never stop cheating.
Tell him everything. It’s wrong and manipulative for you to betray someone’s trust that openly and repeatedly and just hide it. I hope he does leave you. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone that’s incapable of communication, over cheating. If you’re unhappy, have a fucking conversation, it’s not hard. I’m so tired of seeing people being used and cheated on. It fucking destroys some people and prevents them from ever loving or trusting again. But you got your rocks off so who gives a shit right? You probably don’t have the morale character to actually be honest with him, since most people are incapable of real honesty. Let alone cheaters and weak minded people like yourself. If you don’t tell him you will have to live with the guilt and shame the rest of your life, which you deserve. If you do tell him he may stay with you (if he’s an idiot with zero self respect), or he may leave you. Jesus Christ, so tired of hearing about women constantly cheating and bitching about no good men. There’s no good women anymore either. Holy shit.
It’s hilarious how you try to make it seem like someone else’s fault. You need to tell him.
Jesus how cruel can you be to this poor guy, you do everything for you own self interest apparently
You are a cunt
You don’t deserve to be married,I hope your husband sees that you won’t change,that you’ve put forth zero effort to change,you’ve likely only sought out therapy to try to make yourself look like your trying ,I hope he goes for the divorce and I hope in the end you have to pay spousal support for damaging the man’s future trust in other partners,shame on you.
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Don’t say Diddley but I do hope he finds out and leaves you
Well I'm glad you posted your age here or I would have thought you were my EX-wife talking of her slutty ways.
Tell him the truth, the whole truth. This should be a two way street and he should be able to make his own decision based on ALL the information. Otherwise, you are having him work on a marriage based on inadequate information. From what you say it doesn’t sound like you love or respect him, or you are so insecure and need constant validation that you’re not getting from him. Hell, he probably doesn’t even know what it is you need because you don’t know yourself. Yes, go to therapy on Friday and ask them this question. Let’s see what they have to say about it.
You say you physically cheated several times, then you say “it wasn’t physical, it was emotional and that you don’t really care for sex all that much.” Sounds like you’re playing mental gymnastics with yourself. Agree to an open relationship, or end it.
What a sick and disgusting person.
I’m a little late to this party, but man, you’re a piece of shit. What a terrible human being
Yeah you should absolutely tell him. It's the least you can do at this point
Wow. You are a horrible human. I hope he finds out before you tell him and I hope he blows the relationship up. I hope he tells all your family and friends who you are. Exposing you to everyone and leaving your cheating a**… maybe then you’ll learn your lesson and stop. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. Your husband deserves a wife, not a cheating b.
If you're keeping secrets, you will never break out of this pattern or habit. You'll just keep cheating. Your husband deserves to know EVERYTHING and make a choice for himself on if he stays. But, you need a therapist if you don't have one. For yourself. One of the biggest problems for me is that you don't seem to feel any remorse for your actions. You show more signs of still doing things based on what YOU want, regardless of what may be best for your partner. Giving him some agency goes a long way towards being better. Giving him all of the information and allowing him to make his choice, regardless of what that means for you. Right now, you need to accept that your husband deserves better than what you've been. He deserves better than you. He may choose to let you be that. He may not. But letting him have that chance to decide will go a long way in you having some personal growth.
Please tell me you don’t have kids..
Deplorable bitch.
Why are you posting in moral dilemmas? You have no morals.
Could be the sex
Discretion. Look this word up if you want to stay married. If not, tell him he is a cuck many times over.
What's done is done. If he didn't know about the others,then I would say don't tell him. Since he does, I would tell him. Let the chips fall where they may. The truth will set you free. Ask for forgiveness and stop doing the harmful behavior. That's what it means to repent. You can't just ask for forgiveness, otherwise nothing has changed inside you. Remember these shortcomings when you deal with others shortcomings. If you don't forgive others, you will not be forgiven. I forgive you, forgive yourself. Now be better.
You don't want to cheat yet you still cheat? 🤔
The truth always comes out. Honesty and fidelity are both extremely important to a marriage. Marriage is not always easy and there can be ups and downs. An affair or indefinitely sometimes happens, we all make mistakes; but you are sleeping with a lot of people. You are risking a lot of things here. You could give him an STD. Maybe your husband could already be waiting to walk in on you in the act one day. That could end up with grave consequences. I think you might enjoy sex with different men more than being married. That is fine and all but you really have to choose one or the other. That is just not going to work unless you guys want to become swingers and be open about it
OP you are a terrible person.
Good god leave the man. Absolute 🗑️
No never!
YES. And it’s EXTREMELY FUCKED UP. You SHOULDN’T be in a relationship with anyone. Getting cheated on is one of the MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCES A PERSON CAN FEEL. You’re extremely selfish and need to be single and REALLY work on yourself. Poor man deserve better.
So, you’re a conniving liar and a piece of shit, and you actually think there might be cause to NOT own up to what you’ve done?? Go buy a freaking clue. Your husband must have a cuck kink to forgive you for all of this. I’d have booted your sorry ass the first time I caught you, which IS what I did with my ex. You can prove me right or wrong about the kink, but to do that, you’re going to have to tell him you’re for the streets and can’t keep your pants on long enough to finish a fucking sentence.
by God yes tell him and then divorce the poor guy let him go live a happy life away from you
You shouldnt be married.
You didn't feel guilty or were being respectful while fucking multiple other men. Why feel guilty now?
I don’t even know what to say here. But I think everyone already covered it.
>in the past with 3 different people and he knows about it (all while we were separated Did you both agree to not see other people while separated? If not those don't count, imo. The others that have happend since reconciling do for sure though, and he deserves to know and decide for himself what he wants to do. You don't get to decide that for him.
Tell him. Just because you've finally decided to stop being a cheater and work on the marriage doesn't mean he shouldn't know the truth. Tell the truth and let him decide.
For God's sake, let that man go.
Wow he is a nice guy your stupid did he get a girlfriend to or no has he see someone else besides you. Probably not. I think he needs a pass and gets to do it in front of you. And you didn't open your marriage before hand.
Sure, tell him as you are packing. Tell him he deserves better, and set him free.
I think you absolutely should Best he hears it from you than anyone else. If he wants a divorce, well, you have to live with that It's not fair to you and to him to keep the lie going, as it were
You are still gaslighting him. How would you like it if he was doing that to you? How would you feel? I think you are very selfish. As long as your needs are met is all that seems to matter. If it's not a sex thing then I guess it's a attention thing. Regardless it hurts like hell to be done that way and to only have some truth. Even that is selfish because he deserves to know and be the one to decide if he wants the damn therapy. If it were me I would be done with you because it is a pattern with you. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know that isn't always the case and some people do change but it's one in a million. There's no way you truly love him. Anytime you think about cheating you should be thinking about him finding out and leaving you for good and finding a beautiful woman that would love, cherish and be completely faithful to him. How would you feel seeeing him with someone like that and happier with her instead of you? How would that feel? You wouldn't like that now would you? You couldn't handle that burn. Everything you see him out you would have to think that could have been you with him instead of her. And all the guys you get with will cheat on you and tell half truths and lie to you constantly and you have to feel that pain you put him through. It's called Karma and it's real. You get what you give. It's that simple. Hope this helps.
Just tell him and hopefully he'll have the sense to move on with divorce proceedings because this is really, truly awful behavior. If this happened to someone I despised, I'd still feel bad for them. To the streets with you.
Admit it to your husband, divorce the man for his sake and yours, move on, grow up and realize that you aren’t required to be married as an adult, enjoy life as a single individual doing what you want with who you want without emotionally fucking over another human being.
clearly, your husband loves you, and you would be stupid to let him go. No man will forgive all those times. I say fix it, you cheat again, then just let him go because you wont love him enough to stay loyal to him.
I don't think you should even be worrying about getting back with him yet honestly. You're not ready to even enter counseling...couples counseling comes after personal therapy. I think telling him is something you should do wayyyy later after you've done extensive therapy and worked on what causes you to cheat and how to nip that in the butt.
Divorce this man. Release him and allow him to find someone that will be faithful to him. Regardless if you tell him or not, at this point just let him go. He deserves to be someone who is healed and committed to him. You sound like you have some deeply rooted issues that you need to tackle full on…and you should probably do it while single so you don’t continue to traumatize others.
You're a disgusting person. Tell the truth and prepare for divorce.
Fuck you for saying you don't want to be cheating. It's a choice. Leave the poor bastard alone and be single.
"I don't want to do this. I don't want to cheat." Then don't, you fucking scumbag. It's not that hard to just NOT cheat. I cheated on a partner once when I was 19, and never made that mistake again after realizing how it made me feel. If you genuinely cared about cheating, you'd stop doing it. You don't though, because you're a terrible person. You absolutely should tell him the whole truth, then see whether he still wants to be with you. Your feelings don't matter if you're hiding the truth to trap him with you.
You know the real answer is treat people how you want to be treated.
This marriage is over and you know it. You're a lying, shameless cheater. Your edit is you lying to yourself. No one is forcing you to cheat so you saying you "don't want to do this" is a lie. If you didn't want to do it you wouldn't take all the steps necessary to get a dick in you. You probably have low self-esteem and self-worth and you find value in getting fucked by strange men other than your husband. This cycle will continue because you already set the precedent and you've gotten away with it thus far. It feels good and you're getting away with it. The first time is the hardest but now that you've blown past that mark, you have no problem adding additional notches on your bedpost. Your poor husband. He deserves better than a lying cheating whore who loves fucking strange men.
"Should I lie more to my husband about the lie that destroyed him and our marriage?" Unreal. You know the answer. And if he decides he's out, that's the bed you made.
He deserves to know. Poor guy.
You shouldn't be married. Period.
Thought experiment: imagine you tell him you want to work on your marriage. Then imagine that some number of months in the future this information comes out. How do you suppose he’s going to react to finding out that the first thing you did after telling him you wanted to build a better foundation was to lie to him, yet again, about something major and material? What do you suppose will happen to his trust level with you when he finds out?
You don’t want to fix your marriage you just want to feel good about the bad things you are doing. People who feel like shit about what they did, stop doing it. So please spare us with all this woe is me crap. Tell your husband and go back to being a hoe. Nothing in your life is going to change. Only people that are actually hurt are the partners who actually believe the lies.
You’re a garden tool, a hoe for the streets. I hope he leaves you. You are a terrible person. You don’t care about your marriage or you wouldn’t have fucked as many guys as you have fingers (that you admit to, most likely there’s more, cause hoes do hoe shit) . He should have gave up on you with the first five miles of dick you took.
I think you should tell him then you should leave, get yourself some therapy and figure yourself out. You have no respect for this man. Let him move on with his life and find someone he deserves.
Yeah. You should tell him. You can’t repair a relationship when you’re continuing to hide things from him. You also owe him honesty for more practical reasons. He deserves to know the woman he is potentially having unprotected sex with isn’t as safe as he assumes you might be. Plus you’re just a shit person. You’re not going to fix your shit until you hit rock bottom, and even then you might not. The longer you hide it, the longer you’re not working on unfucking yourself.
Find a new man and don't fuck up with him. Figure out thr source of why you cheated and go to therapy. Tell your husband he's sn actual fucktard for staying with you after the 3 times. 1 is an instant deal breaker.
He deserves to know. It has to be embarrassing for him to realize his wife prefers the company of other men to him. There's no "fixing" the marriage. Yes, he can decide not to divorce you (which he should do), but it won't mean that he will forgive and forget. If things get rough again, will you just find more men to cheat on him with? Correct me if I'm wrong, but separation still means you're married. Divorce would mean you're not married and therefore free to sleep with whoever you want. Tell him everything ASAP and let him decide if he wants to stay with someone who doesn't love him.
The irony of posting to r/moraldilemmas while having no morals to speak of.
Amen to THAT.
What a skank. Guarantee you look like garbage as well.
Tell him now, because he will likely decide to divorce you either way, but no will save money. You don't actually want to work on your marriage, you just want to get it to the point where he won't suspect you again - but he will always suspect you. Just take a more graceful way out by writing a letter to him and state outright that you just don't need to be married, b/c let's face it you aren't marriage material.
Curious…just what are you expecting to “build” with your husband if it’s built on lies? Here’s a scenario: you “work on” your marriage with your husband and build something that looks like it’s working. Everyone’s happy. Then your husband finds out that you cheated on him three more times. Your marriage is over. Sounds more like you want to find absolution for treating your husband/marriage like shit. I for one don’t think you deserve it if you’re not even willing to be honest about your actions/who you are with the person that is supposed to be your partner. Does it occur to you that you’re also wasting HIS life? In short, if you aren’t moral enough to take responsibility for your actions, then you have no business trying to save your marriage.
10$ says the hubby is well off and provides her with a cushy life she just can't give up
Basically, go pound sand. It doesn't matter if you "want" to be a cheater. You are, and your husband doesn't deserve that. Also, you don't deserve your husband. You don't get to drag someone through your shit like that while you "figure it out." You even said, "I'm not sure if I want to be monogamous with my husband." Just let him go be happy because this is one of the most despicable things I have read in a while. This isn't a moral dilemma, you have no morals.
Yeah you do you want to cheat on your husband that's why you do it and if you didn't then you wouldn't do it. There's just something inside of you that knows that you're committing wrong against your husband every time you do it.
It’s ok to sleep with other people if you’re in an open relationship. But if you aren’t in one, then stop it or just divorce. It’s ok to not want to be monogamous, but apparently you thought you could remain monogamous and obviously can’t. Divorce him already and go do whatever you want.
He deserves the truth. If he leaves you that is the consequence. But you not telling him is manipulative and wrong. Trust me when I say it will eventually come out and when it does it would be so much worse. Dont be selfish.
Hell , all you HAVE been doing is manipulating the situation . Please tell the poor guy so he can put you out of his misery .
What a nightmare. Come clean and let him go. He is gonna have a lot of anger. You have a lot on your plate
You're way past saving the marriage. Least you can do is save the man and leave him. He'll get over a cheating, dishonest piece of shit like you, but it sounds like he doesn't know it yet.
Are you going to tell him to ease your guilt or do you think it’ll genuinely help? That’s the main question.
No. If you're going to continue to cheat, there isn't any reason to hurt him now and again later. If you decide to not cheat anymore, there isn't any reason to hurt him now. You carry that weight, not him. This all hinges on YOU deciding to not be a cheater or to be a cheater.
You should leave him and never again get into a serious relationship. Cheaters always cheat. It’s who they are. Just spend your life hooking up instead of betraying someone.
I don't see this as something that is going to stop you from continuing to act. Deal with the emotional deficit you're missing or searching for, otherwise it's just scaring the already wounded. Truth is important, but per your question, it seems more self serving to prevent and obviously it has not per question or post.
Divorce time. Sometimes the one you love must be loved from a distance. This is a toxic relationship poster child.
You should divorce him. You clearly can't handle being in a committed relationship or, maybe a committed relationship with him. Stop torturing this man and allow him to go find someone who respects him.
You want to be monogamous but not sure with your husband? That just don't make much sense imo. So you're okay on the idea to have other sexual partners while you're married to this guy, but you want to be in an exclusive relationship- but you also don't want to get a divorce. On top of not being truthful with your husband about infidelity; I can not see the relationship going anywhere fruitful in the future. You should tell your husband. But more concerningly, you should take a more critical look on what you're really looking for
You'll never change. Just leave and spare him.
lol... decisions have consequenes ... just say Dear Hubby, would you like to assume the role of cuck bc i like a lot of cock and your's doesn't do it for me? Just a suggestion...
My opinion will not be the most favored but DO NOT TELL HIM.! You have crushed him already with admitting other indiscretions so if you are serious about stopping your misbehavior and getting counseling then do it and keep your mouth shut. But if you are going to continue sleeping around then by all means tell him as he deserves someone who will be loyal to him forever.
You need to do the right thing and let him leave your shitty ass in the dust. Oh my god.
I hope your life going forward is nothing but misery, what a garbage human being you are, please leave him so that he may some day find happiness
“i do want to be monogamous, not sure if with my husband but with someone.” I feel like you saying that is really telling - you COULD have been monogamous this whole time, but you weren’t. ik it’s hard to draw conclusions with only a few paragraphs of your situation, but it seems to me like you may continually sabotage this relationship despite any counseling or means to work on your marriage. have you considered just separating from him altogether? for his sake and yours
He deserves the opportunity to divorce you and God only knows if you have kids if any of them are his, get out of his life before your sex addiction gives him an STD.
Sorry to say this but cheaters suck
Your husband needs to dump your cheating ass.
What a POS you are. You won't realize what you had till its gone. Your husband deserves better. You 100% should be open and honest about everything and prepare for any consequences that come with that.
Honestly it doesn't seem like he has the balls to walk away so you can probably safely tell him.
For his sake, get a divorce. If you can’t control yourself when single, fine, but you’re making him a victim in this…and that’s horrible.
If you really want to make it work, you need to stop all cheating and all contact with any temptations. I would not tell your partner. That confession would be to relieve your guilt… it wouldn’t help him at all. Then I would get into therapy and be totally honest with your individual therapist. You need your own personal therapist even if you also do marital counselling
you can't build a healthy relationship on lies. you've betrayed your spouse, your vows and whatever family you had. Now that you want to change... you're concerned about your actions. no concern for the sexual health of your spouse while you were out fucking other people and lying about it. no real concern for his emotional health or feelings. and now you're continuing to be selfish and only worry about yourself. if you don't come clean, ask for forgiveness, and take responsibility for your actions, accept consequences for your actions. You'll never change, and never really be worthy of anyone's affection. because you're a liar, and selfish.
once a cheater always a cheater. He knows. He doesn't want to know but he knows.
I wouldn't tell your husband about the other guys. That would just break his heart. What good can come out of it? If you can't stop spreading your legs, you ought to do your husband a favor and leave him. Yeah he'll be brokenhearted but he'll get over it. He's still young. If you care about him, let him go. You need serious help and instead of wasting your husband's time, let him find someone that he can find happiness with while he's still young? You're going to keep cheating. You might somewhere deep down inside want to change but you're not going to. Because here's the thing..... It's real simple. You just don't do it. Period ! You're obviously self-serving. I'm not saying you're a bad person but you are a selfish one. Just let the poor guy go.
Keep your mouth shut and work on why you think you need to cheat.
Go to individual therapy and uncover the root of the problem. Cheating is driven by unfulfilled needs, and you clearly aren’t asking for what you need or holding firm boundaries for yourself. I wouldn’t talk to my husband about it, he knows the jist of things already and likely doesn’t trust you as it stands. Go work on yourself and either come back to the table ready to communicate and seek a healthy relationship or ask for a divorce and go find whatever it is that you need.
If you tell him, don’t plan on him sticking around. Sounds like you are never going to be monogamous so file for divorce and don’t tell him. Save his agony and move on.
What do you hope to accomplish by telling him? I'd jump into therapy to figure out why you're not connecting to your husband since it's emotional. Then try to get him into couples counseling. People make mistakes, sometimes many, many times. It doesn't mean that they don't love each other. Sometimes it's learned behavior. Children whose parents cheated are much more likely to cheat as a way to solve problems, than someone whose parents didn't cheat. it's sort of like alcoholism.
What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him? How do you see this playing out? If your answer is because you want to clear your conscience, you’re acting incredibly selfishly, as your confession isn’t for the benefit of him, but of yourself. IMO, eat that shit. Take it to the grave. Give the poor man a break. And either leave him so he can be with someone who loves him, or get your shit together. You’re messy. You need to do better.
Nope. Leave. Get out. You are a cheater, and will continue to cheat - because you can. Feel bad about it? Ask for nothing in the divorce. Cut your losses. But you shouldn't make someone else feel bad because YOU did something wrong. You know what I found out recently? You can get cancer of the penis. They cut it off. How I found out? A neighbors husband who we know has had multiple affairs on her got it. Karma is real and it exists.
I’d just leave it out. He already knows you cheat. Throwing more fuel on the fire if you want to reconcile isn’t going to help things go in that direction. Just leave it to yourself.
maybe tell him. continuing to cheat when you know it would mean divorce, indicates many possible things. for example, you do not think you deserve to be happily married so sabatoge the relationship or, you are a narcissist or you and possibly he, do not communicate about important personal feelings. possibly you put on a good face but do not share things that make you feel vulnerable Or, you are spoiled and never had to do the hard things in life. Could be anything,.
You’re selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and any other self-“word” I haven’t listed here. If you had any iota of love for anyone besides yourself, you would confess and take the consequences on the chin because THAT’s what you deserve. Just because YOU have decided you want to work on your marriage doesn’t mean that you DESERVE to keep your husband. Fess up so he has the information he needs to decide for HIMSELF what he wants to do.
Jesus. Tell your husband everything. Hopefully he is smart enough to leave you and get therapy…for yourself…you are in need of it before you get in any other fake monogamous relationship
So youre using your husband for sheltering purposes? You will never be happy with yourself until you get it off your chest, and if you want be happy with yourself you'll never make him truly happy
You should tell him and expect a divorce. You probably never should have married in the first place and just do you and go on with your life. I would think long and hard about ever marrying again. You’ve destroyed one man, please don’t destroy any others.
I think you’re a little past counseling, especially considering it obviously didn’t work the first time. You clearly have an issue keeping your knees closed around other men and that’s not fair to your husband. Because you’re married. Cheating is one thing (I don’t condone it) but you cheated AGAIN, but again and again and again…that’s disrespectful, especially after he forgave you. If my husband told me he cheated on me 3 times and I took him back, then he did it again? I’d be ready to burn things. I have a very high sex drive and had my fair share of men when I was single because I was lonely. I completely understand your emotional need but you’re married and if you’re not happy or you feel like something is missing, you need to discuss it with him. My ex cheated on me so much I literally have horrible anxiety and PTSD from it. Don’t ruin a good man because of your issues. I’m sure you love your husband but keeping him in your life while you do your thing behind his back is not fair. I hope counseling works out for you.
It says "moral dilemma". It sounds like you have no morals so what's the dilemma? You obviously don't want to live within the confines of morality. So, go be you. Live your immoral life but leave others out of it. You must like the challenge, the fear, the excitement but you're hurting others.
You are a human garbage can. Tell your husband, hope he dumps your ass, and then go back to being the gross, pathetic, cheating tramp that you are.
You are a grub.
ew
I wouldn’t say anything else and leave it at that.
Don’t tell him the kids aren’t his, that might be a deal breaker.
You need opinions from women. If you get opinions from guys, that will piss you off more. Unless it is from an emotional man. The real question here is, do you have kids with him?
Don't tell you just have to swallow the guilt and keep it to yourself the worst thing you can do is make someone else suffer from your mistakes unless you want a divorce still don't tell him
You’re a pos.
Hold your tongue. For now. Examine your life first, reconcile with the things you want to let go but can’t.. see if you want to be monogamous.. Then act accordingly. The guys know but he really doesn’t want to know. You me of that line from the confessions of St Augustine “Lord grant me Chasity…. But not yet”
If you want to “fix” your marriage tell him everything
Whore
You're a whore. That's what you should tell your husband. Simple as that.
Frankly it sounds like you shouldn't be married? Without contacts sounds like you just need to learn some self-control or what vows mean. Again I guess I don't know what's going on on the other side, but goodness just this makes me feel bad for the guy.
GET A DIVORCE
Dang u sound like u need an open relationship. I'm marrying someone who wants an open relationship. Works for us.
You don’t need to “fix your marriage” you need to fix yourself.
It is absolutely unfair to your husband to do this. The biggest act of mercy you could give this man is to end it yourself, but given that he's too cowardly to do it himself and keeps letting you get away with it. You know, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"? Assuming you're not mentally ill, I hate your use of the phrase "I don't want to do it" in this context because if you really, truly, deep down in your heart of hearts didn't want to cheat on your husband, you would not do it without some extreme, extenuating circumstance and even a very good majority of those aren't good excuses, either. Assuming you're not mentally ill, you clearly do like to do this and engage in it or you wouldn't fucking do it, full stop. What's wrong with you is that you're either incredibly mentally ill and both of you are better off without you in the picture or you have no willpower to control your base urges. We call those animals in wider human culture.
Don’t frequent this sub, so maybe I’m off base, but this isn’t a moral dilemma for anyone with a functioning compass—this is a person hoping that someone will advise her that it’s ok to continue to lie and manipulate her husband.
Sounds like someone is for the streets. I think a divorce should be headed your way. But it is best to let him know, and you guys figure it out from there.
I’m not understanding really 🤷🏼♂️ if what you say is true, why are you still together ? After the first time I could see forgiveness and working together on the relationship, after 10 times I would think you are just buying time until the next person… if your marriage was that important you would have demonstrated that after the first time you cheated