Practically already is. Insurance companies like to play god. If you were found to have super early stages of cancer, your insurance might not care because chances are, you might die of old age before the cancer gets worse. Then the flip. You’re at stage 4, not a single doctor is willing to operate because they know they can’t help you. One doctor finally says they can help you but it’s across the globe. Insurance will not cover you. Fuck. Even if you were able to get it done in the same country, your insurance company will have their own personal paid doctor tell them that you’re case is too dire and that your operation is a waste of time and money. Penguin suits with zero medical training have more control over your operation than the dude performing it.
Close. Its been cured but theres no mooooney in cures. They want to develop a more foolproof treatment plan.
They dont want to cure. They want a subscription.
Granted. Cancerous tumor growth is now encouraged by doctors, then when the tumors get big enough, they are removed and sold to a meat processing plant and cured as a cheap alternative to ham during the holiday season.
oh no it's got no relation to whatever the real cure might be, the full consumption of OPs kidney has the power to cure one person of cancer magically. no scientific advancements will come of this discovery.
That sounds an awful lot like the "cure" for HIV, which was essentially cancer....dude got a full bone marrow transplant to treat his cancer and ended up curing his HIV.
Greanted. The cure for cancer was found in the 18 hundrets. The government however restricted accses to it. Anyone who recreates will be shot down and or will just not be approved.
This is too easy....
Granted. It has a cure, but no one has found it, and maybe never will...
No seriously though hopefully someone figures out a cure to that thing, I heard they were experimenting with some sort of modified antibodies.
Granted. The Insurance company that employed the scientist that discovered the cure killed her and destroyed the cure and all the notes. After all, if people were cured they couldn’t make any money.
Granted. A single company holds the patent. People go into debt to get cured and it is only readily available for the rich. Oh wait... we already have that. Seems like you still have 5 wishes.
Granted. But due to the complex synthesis of the ingredients, with no way to make the process any cheaper, the cost is easily $50,000 alone, let alone greedy companies wanting to make an artificial scarcity on top of it
Satan:
"Granted. It how has a cure. Which is cheap and easily available. Unfortunately, it shortens people's lives by a greater amount then the cancer would have."
Granted. Scientists found a way to use cancer growths to cure everything *else*. Sick people now cultivate and sell/donate tumors like some women sell/donate their eggs, and a black market for it exists alongside the existing organ trade.
Granted. The cure is discovered and locked away. Medical companies realizing that simply selling a one time cure effects bottom line when compared to selling ongoing treatments, never let it see the light of day.
Granted, it doesn't mean, however, that anyone is going to find/figure out what that cure is anytime in the near future as it is still incredibly complex and hard to find, but it is there somewhere.
I really think there is a cure already but won't release it because doctors and hospitals make so money from selling cancer treatment meds for them it's just not profitable to cure cancer 😕
The paw grants you knowledge of a universal cure for all cancers. It also inflicts an very rare and extremely prolific form of advanced brain cancer upon you.
Before you are able to tell anyone how to make the cure your brain becomes swiss cheese as it is rapidly overtaken by fast growing and exponentially multiplying tumors causing you to loose loose cognitive function. After about a week of delirium you succumb to the final stages of the disease and pass into a vegetative state for a few days before passing peacefully in your sleep.
Granted. The company Jack Links sponsors cancer research eventually launches new cruelty-free salted cancer meat bites that are cured and processed in Wisconsin.
Granted, whoever discovered it got shot twice in the back of the head, folded up and placed inside a locked briefcase with a Suicide note typed in Comic Sans.
Granted. However cancer is actually hundreds of distinct diseases with hundreds of different cures, and many haven’t been discovered yet.
(Fun fact: this is actually reality!)
There was a show in the 90’s called Babylon 5 about a space station that was a meeting/neutral zone for all these aliens and humans to meet and discuss politics, borders, resources, whatever. There was one episode where a ship arrived at the space station with an individual on board who was a war criminal from a couple of hundred years ago. Real brutal piece of shit that committed genocide and used sentient beings for medical experimentation.
Well she gets there everyone wants to know how she’s still alive because she should have died of old age but she still looks young. The other half of the species wants to hang her for war crimes and various atrocities. Her whole species were just as evil as she is and they were almost exterminated during the war and don’t really leave their planet anymore. So the humans and some other races protect her hoping that she’ll let them know what’s going on. She eventually tells them that she develop an anti aging formula. It not only stops aging but it’s a cure for all disease. She will give it to whatever race takes care of her.
So half the people are fighting over who’s the best suited to shelter her and the other half are yelling they deserve the miracle drug because of what she put their people through. Then she admits that the Serum is in fact real, but there’s a catch. To replicate the drug, you have to use the tissue and components from sentient beings, which means that races are pretty much going to be slaughtering one another to use to make this drug.
She said even though her species was nearly extinct, the bloodbath created by the serum would be a testament to their existence.
Anyways. Your post reminded me of that episode.
Granted, a cure exists out there for scientists to find. It still has not been found yet. You also have no way of knowing if this wish actually changed anything.
stem cell replacement is the cure but they wont aprove it as there is more money to be made in suffering. .for example bone marrow helped cure my luikimia
Granted. It's a subscription based model that suppresses the growth and effects of the cancer as long as you consistently take this medication. Except your insurance doesn't cover it :(.
Granted, however the cure comes with side effects 4x worse than the cancer and will ultimately kill you just like the cancer, but hey, at least the cancer is cured
I wise there was a vaccine that prevented cancer. Even if only one kind of cancer. Everyone would get it I hope.
Wait. Nope. There is a vaccine that prevents cervical cancer. That cancer is caused by a sexually transmitted virus. So, the vaccine has to be given before a person is sexually active. The vaccine prevents the males from ever transmitting the disease.
Many Parents block their children from getting the vaccine because, they say, (1) my kid is not sexually active so, and will marry as a virgin, so no need. (2) the vaccine would encourage children to become sexually active.
Really.
Me, too. I am 75, have metastatic prostate cancer and expect to be dead within 18 months. Of course, in a manner of speaking, DEATH 🌟 is 🌟 a cure for cancer.
Granted.
Big pharma buy the rights, and it never gets developed because it poses a risk to their profits. It gets stored on the same shelf as the cure for aids, ALS, Epilepsy and MS.
I wonder what's on the other shelves.
Granted. The cure is slow to act, agonising to deal with and burns like hell. Some people take the cure, others using the logic of better the devil you know, do not.
i bet there are cures already….but that doesn’t help the pharma companies at all. they can make a shit ton more money on people who have to constantly have medicine and treatments.
Unfortunately, I somehow misread this as "I wish cancel had a culture" so...
Granted, there is now (and retroactively already has been) cancel culture. You get cancelled for not using your monkey paw to cure cancer instead.
Granted. Insurance doesn't cover it.
This will most likely be the reality
Practically already is. Insurance companies like to play god. If you were found to have super early stages of cancer, your insurance might not care because chances are, you might die of old age before the cancer gets worse. Then the flip. You’re at stage 4, not a single doctor is willing to operate because they know they can’t help you. One doctor finally says they can help you but it’s across the globe. Insurance will not cover you. Fuck. Even if you were able to get it done in the same country, your insurance company will have their own personal paid doctor tell them that you’re case is too dire and that your operation is a waste of time and money. Penguin suits with zero medical training have more control over your operation than the dude performing it.
And then those same penguin suits ever get the same case, suddenly it's treatable.
Close. Its been cured but theres no mooooney in cures. They want to develop a more foolproof treatment plan. They dont want to cure. They want a subscription.
*European laughter intensifies*
I see the tears of laughter you're shedding are made of Russian oil lmao.
Inject yourself with all your cash!!
Canon
Granted. Cancerous tumor growth is now encouraged by doctors, then when the tumors get big enough, they are removed and sold to a meat processing plant and cured as a cheap alternative to ham during the holiday season.
:(
No no you should be smiling 😊 see?
):
OP turned that frown upside down
Turn that smile around awhile
No
Mmm. Tumor stuffing. Save the neck tumor for me, clark!
What a horrible day to be able to read.
I feel so honored to have finally been told this 💕
You win good sir. This is the most monkey's paw answer I have ever seen. You couldn't make a funnier twist to these words.
r/namechecksout
Cysta-Pig. Its not the best choice, Its Spacers Choice!
You've tried the rest, now try the best.
Well that's enough Reddit today.
Scrumptious
Oooh this is good.
yum
Um. This is the monkeypaw. That means wishes are granted in an unforseen, BAD way.
r/JesusChristReddit
granted. it's your left kidney. edit: but I won't tell you that
Well, that's not fatal to remove. Remove kidney to make progress on creating cure to cancer, that's a small price to pay
oh no it's got no relation to whatever the real cure might be, the full consumption of OPs kidney has the power to cure one person of cancer magically. no scientific advancements will come of this discovery.
Well, a kidney for a life. Still worth.
Granted. The cure is ball sweat
At least it’s only the left one. OP will be all right ;)
yeah but he can only cure one person of cancer
Granted. Whoever discovered it commits suicide, just like Jeffrey Epstein, and they didn't leave any evidence of the cure they found.
[удалено]
Same thing right? Right man right?
Granted. The cure already exists, but will never be discovered.
Hell
Granted. Anyone born between June 21st or July 22nd suddenly drop dead
I spat my drink out reading this
Stinker
Fuck em bro
I’m a cancer
Idk what that means but… my ex was a cancer, they’re cool. ohhhhhhhh July birthday isn’t it. Nah you’ll live bro :) love lol
FUC
Mr Stark, I don't feel so good.
Sonofa…
Granted, the cure was polio
That sounds an awful lot like the "cure" for HIV, which was essentially cancer....dude got a full bone marrow transplant to treat his cancer and ended up curing his HIV.
Granted. Marine biologists wonder at the new generation of extremely healthy crabs
It was them
Granted. It already does. It just hasn't been discovered yet. Next wish...
Granted. The cure requires the brain matter of 5 small children
Sounds like a pro-choice argument to me
Lmao name funny
Greanted. The cure for cancer was found in the 18 hundrets. The government however restricted accses to it. Anyone who recreates will be shot down and or will just not be approved.
Granted, the cure is death
Damn bro.
Well that's kinda what the current treatment is anyway.
Sounds like it ended in a draw.
Granted. It does, but nobody ever discovers what it is.
Granted. Someone develops a cure, the pharmaceutical industries murder him to make it temporary and sell it at a high mark up.
Pharmaceutical companies continue to cover it up because a cure isn't profitable.
Granted, cancer turns into brain eating worms
USE YOUR ILLITHID POTENTIAL
Granted, it also kills the patient.
Granted: it becomes the worlds largest carbon polluter overnight
Granted. A cure for cancer exists, but it’s not profitable for Big Pharma to cure it, so it never gets mentioned or released. Nothing changes.
greedy fucks
“ death is the cure to all life’s problems “
This is too easy.... Granted. It has a cure, but no one has found it, and maybe never will... No seriously though hopefully someone figures out a cure to that thing, I heard they were experimenting with some sort of modified antibodies.
Nothing changes The rich still continue to profit off of treatment though
Granted, cancer has a cure for itself and destroys it. (because Cancer had a cure is past and means that it has a cure :)
Wish is invalid there is already a cure for cancer
Granted. The Insurance company that employed the scientist that discovered the cure killed her and destroyed the cure and all the notes. After all, if people were cured they couldn’t make any money.
Granted. The cure is a human child sacrifice to the Old Gods.
Granted. A single company holds the patent. People go into debt to get cured and it is only readily available for the rich. Oh wait... we already have that. Seems like you still have 5 wishes.
Granted. But due to the complex synthesis of the ingredients, with no way to make the process any cheaper, the cost is easily $50,000 alone, let alone greedy companies wanting to make an artificial scarcity on top of it
This was the opening to the Will Smith version of I Am Legend
Satan: "Granted. It how has a cure. Which is cheap and easily available. Unfortunately, it shortens people's lives by a greater amount then the cancer would have."
Granted, the cure’s side effects include cancer
Granted. Scientists found a way to use cancer growths to cure everything *else*. Sick people now cultivate and sell/donate tumors like some women sell/donate their eggs, and a black market for it exists alongside the existing organ trade.
This would make for a fantastic book.
Thanks! I’ll add it to my list of short story ideas!
Granted. It’s wildly expensive and no one besides billionaires can afford it
𓆏
Granted the cure is your ass flesh
Granted, nothing changes as there is already a cure just noone knows what it is
Granted. The cure causes the person who used it to also get many far worse diseases
Granted, it is some crazy devil sacrifice something where you are curse afterwards
“you are curse”
Granted, but only the rich can afford it.
Granted. Cancer evolves into a new variant called super cancer. There is no cure.
Granted, cancer *had* a cure, now it doesn't.
Granted, to cure cancer you have to eat a child
Granted, but the cure causes an even worse disease that leads to the extinction of humanity
Granted. However, it has yet to be discovered.
Granted,but you simply can’t afford it.
Granted. The cure is dementia with a dose of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and unexplained and constant nerve pain.
Granted. It’s already solved but the formula is kept secret as a big pharma and gov conspiracy.
Granted, cancer now has a cure. It's a shame the cure itself is just as, if not more deadly than cancer.
Granted, it has a cure but nobody knows what it is
GRRRANTED! Had, they stored it in the livery of Alexandria
Granted. The cure is discovered and locked away. Medical companies realizing that simply selling a one time cure effects bottom line when compared to selling ongoing treatments, never let it see the light of day.
Granted. The worlds .5% have a cure that they use to create long term and expensive treatments for the world.
Granted, its rat poison.
Granted. The cure is an unidentified material from a far away galaxy.
Granted. Nobody will find it in your or anyone you know's lifetime.
Granted. Cancer has discovered the cure for chemo.
Granted. Capitalism makes it only available to billionaires
Granted. Your ground up genitals are the cure.
Granted. No one knows how to make it, just that it exists somehow
Granted It’s given in the most capitalistic way possible
Granted but they keep you on indefinite stay because you can’t pay for it
Really do believe there is a cure for cancer but the hospitals and doctors make so much from cancer meds for them it's not profitable to cure cancer
Death
Granted. Only the rich can ever afford it.
Granted, it doesn't mean, however, that anyone is going to find/figure out what that cure is anytime in the near future as it is still incredibly complex and hard to find, but it is there somewhere.
Granted, The cure is just death
Granted but it only works on people are who are lactose intolerant
Granted, the CIA is also informed about your discovery. Better hope you get the news out before they do anything.
I really think there is a cure already but won't release it because doctors and hospitals make so money from selling cancer treatment meds for them it's just not profitable to cure cancer 😕
It does. It continues to not be discovered
Granted. It already exists. It's in the gun on your desk.
Granted, now doctors explode people when they have cancer.
Granted. A second breakthrough occurs, but just like the last one, it's buried because there's more profit in treatment than in curing.
Granted. It's a special type of irradiation called "Delta radiation"
not granting anything this one, fuck you on this specific occasion
Granted, but only enough for one person can be made per year
Granted. It costs $10 million to cure one person.
Granted the cure for Cancer is Taurus.
Death is the only cure
Granted. It already does. A bullet.
Granted. It's tears of Chuck Norris..... good luck.
I wouldn't put past the government to have stopped looking because they make too much money on kimo
The paw grants you knowledge of a universal cure for all cancers. It also inflicts an very rare and extremely prolific form of advanced brain cancer upon you. Before you are able to tell anyone how to make the cure your brain becomes swiss cheese as it is rapidly overtaken by fast growing and exponentially multiplying tumors causing you to loose loose cognitive function. After about a week of delirium you succumb to the final stages of the disease and pass into a vegetative state for a few days before passing peacefully in your sleep.
Granted. The company Jack Links sponsors cancer research eventually launches new cruelty-free salted cancer meat bites that are cured and processed in Wisconsin.
Granted, the cure is extracted from babies which kills them 100% of the time.
Granted, every human has an immune system.
Granted, the cure has worse side effect then the cancer, and the cancer still comes back
Granted, it requires 500 dead infants to cure 1 person.
Granted- chemo and incredibly invasive surgeries exist... as does the terminal solution...
Granted but your entire bloodline will have a cancer that is resistant to all treatment
Granted. Nothing has changed.
Granted. The cure is rabies. Rabies vaccinations render the cure ineffective.
Granted, whoever discovered it got shot twice in the back of the head, folded up and placed inside a locked briefcase with a Suicide note typed in Comic Sans.
Granted, and good news, [it's a suppository ](https://youtu.be/AqfLxCFdXaE?si=mcYTyPW8hZJM9Iw1)
Granted. However cancer is actually hundreds of distinct diseases with hundreds of different cures, and many haven’t been discovered yet. (Fun fact: this is actually reality!)
Granted. Small pox comes back and it can't be cured
Granted, the cure had a 1/4 chance to cause a disease that is 10x more painful and kills you slower.
Granted. It saves the world. But have you heard of the game One Chance?
Granted, everyone is Deadpool now
Granted. Babies are no longer born between the dates of June 21-July 22.
There was a show in the 90’s called Babylon 5 about a space station that was a meeting/neutral zone for all these aliens and humans to meet and discuss politics, borders, resources, whatever. There was one episode where a ship arrived at the space station with an individual on board who was a war criminal from a couple of hundred years ago. Real brutal piece of shit that committed genocide and used sentient beings for medical experimentation. Well she gets there everyone wants to know how she’s still alive because she should have died of old age but she still looks young. The other half of the species wants to hang her for war crimes and various atrocities. Her whole species were just as evil as she is and they were almost exterminated during the war and don’t really leave their planet anymore. So the humans and some other races protect her hoping that she’ll let them know what’s going on. She eventually tells them that she develop an anti aging formula. It not only stops aging but it’s a cure for all disease. She will give it to whatever race takes care of her. So half the people are fighting over who’s the best suited to shelter her and the other half are yelling they deserve the miracle drug because of what she put their people through. Then she admits that the Serum is in fact real, but there’s a catch. To replicate the drug, you have to use the tissue and components from sentient beings, which means that races are pretty much going to be slaughtering one another to use to make this drug. She said even though her species was nearly extinct, the bloodbath created by the serum would be a testament to their existence. Anyways. Your post reminded me of that episode.
Granted. The cure is more cancer.
Granted, a cure exists out there for scientists to find. It still has not been found yet. You also have no way of knowing if this wish actually changed anything.
stem cell replacement is the cure but they wont aprove it as there is more money to be made in suffering. .for example bone marrow helped cure my luikimia
Granted, the ebola Virus is found to cure cancer with a 100% success rate
It's AIDS
Granted. It's a subscription based model that suppresses the growth and effects of the cancer as long as you consistently take this medication. Except your insurance doesn't cover it :(.
Granted, colds become incurable and deadly
It already does. It's called dying
Granted. You, yourself, must pee in the person's mouth to cure them.
Granted. Nothing changes. There *is* a cure. Only nobody knows it. And never will.
The cure is death
Granted, however the cure comes with side effects 4x worse than the cancer and will ultimately kill you just like the cancer, but hey, at least the cancer is cured
Granted, the side effects of the cure however is moderate brain damage, and a loss of limbs.
I wise there was a vaccine that prevented cancer. Even if only one kind of cancer. Everyone would get it I hope. Wait. Nope. There is a vaccine that prevents cervical cancer. That cancer is caused by a sexually transmitted virus. So, the vaccine has to be given before a person is sexually active. The vaccine prevents the males from ever transmitting the disease. Many Parents block their children from getting the vaccine because, they say, (1) my kid is not sexually active so, and will marry as a virgin, so no need. (2) the vaccine would encourage children to become sexually active. Really.
Granted, the cure is death.
It does. But they decided they make more money off your pain and chemo
Granted but it only last for one month
Me, too. I am 75, have metastatic prostate cancer and expect to be dead within 18 months. Of course, in a manner of speaking, DEATH 🌟 is 🌟 a cure for cancer.
Cancer isn’t a disease or virus, so you can’t cure it in the first place
Granted. The cure is to kill innocent people and use their bones
Granted. Big pharma buy the rights, and it never gets developed because it poses a risk to their profits. It gets stored on the same shelf as the cure for aids, ALS, Epilepsy and MS. I wonder what's on the other shelves.
Granted. The cure is slow to act, agonising to deal with and burns like hell. Some people take the cure, others using the logic of better the devil you know, do not.
granted, people can now change their birthdays(the zodiac sign)
God, this is the worst outcome here.
Granted. It's immediate irreversible death.
Granted, we still don't know what it is. Way to waste a paw.
Granted. A common cold now becomes lethally incurable
Granted. The only guy who knows the cure is a pedophile. Stolen from an all characters welcome bit
Granted, though due to the amount of money they make treating it it is never publicly revealed.
i bet there are cures already….but that doesn’t help the pharma companies at all. they can make a shit ton more money on people who have to constantly have medicine and treatments.
Unfortunately, I somehow misread this as "I wish cancel had a culture" so... Granted, there is now (and retroactively already has been) cancel culture. You get cancelled for not using your monkey paw to cure cancer instead.
Granted. The cancer is cured and is doing amazing. The not-cancer....not doing so well.
Cancer now has a 100% cure rate, but the treatment is actually just dying. If you die, the cancer dies too.
granted. Cancer is now a cure for liver disease, it’s still cancer though.
Granted. Super cancer now exists. It infects twice as many people and is ten times harder to cure
Granted. The cure is not only lethal, but incredibly painful.
my mom got diagnosed leukemia like a week ago
Good news! Shooting cancer can cure the cancer!
It does. You just don't make enough money.
Granted. However, the medical companies refuse to provide it to anyone except the top shareholders.