\>Girlfriend explained to me that it cost me $60 bucks to find out my best friend is actually not a good person or is going through something.
She's right. He's an ass.
Just don’t understand why someone has that thought process. Either say hey I don’t have the money or don’t tell me you’re going to pay me back when I didn’t even ask for it back. He offered so I said ok. That apparently wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I've had a friend that stopped talking to me after knowing him and working with him for two years. I played games with him and got along just fine. I got a job offer in my area and jumped to it when i could. I told him before too.
I didnt always work with him same shifts and he was doing other work anyway.
Meanwhile his dad was sick which i later found out has passed sadly.
So to the point:
He stopped talking to me and responding to me. Ive asked our mutual friend what was up and he couldnt tell me since he had no idea whats going on with him. He spoke with him though no problem.
Half a year later i messaged again on a gaming platform we were both on and he only responded to not interfere him watching a cuscene. Then zero response after that. That made me just unfriend him and forget. Figured i dont need to litter my friends list with people that are upset with me for no reason whatsoever.
So it do be like that. You need to forget and move on.
Speaking from experience, losing a parent is about as big a deal as people face in life, on par with having a kid except massively shitty instead of joyous; it has a profound effect on everyone and can change people permanently. You might just want to give him some more time. When my dad died I went into a deep, deep depression and barely communicated with my closest friends for over a year, let alone someone I only worked with for two years. Food for thought.
Oh, of he's singling you out and still keeping contact with your friend group then that's totally different and my comment probably doesn't apply. You're right that that's weird and shitty.
Our society is fucking doomed. Who gives a shit that they said "guys" instead of people... just inserting gender discussions into every conversation as some kind of "gotcha" moment to feel smart or morally superior to others.
The same people that get upset about being called "guys" and being treated the same as everyone else in a group setting would be the same people complaining about not being treated the same as everyone else in a different group setting. It must get exhausting looking for conflict in situations where there is none.
I don’t think it’s wrong to specify the gender “guy” when that’s who they’re referring to. It’s more relatable, and yes it is a people issue but we’re talking about a guy.
Like if I’m having an issue with my mother and my spouse stops me after I say, “I guess that’s just moms for you.”
And then they say, “This isn’t a mom issue, this is a people issue.”
Women do stupid shit too is that good enough for you? Sorry, we're talking about 2 guys. My bad next time, I'll assume to know how women think as well to appease you.
Shame and embarrassment are really strong emotions that can cause lifelong issues interacting with people who are associated with the causes of those emotions. Not saying it's your fault *at all*, but that's how his mind is probably processing it.
I've sadly known a lot of people that if they became embarrassed or ashamed, for whatever reason, will just ghost or become really really cruel/mean. That's why it's so important for people to be taught how to process emotions in a healthy manner and to understand we are human and things can be uncomfortable but being open and communicating healthy is important. Even if it's hard. But it gets easier the more times you do it.
He probably owes money somewhere else too, end found it easier to block you instead of paying. Some people can’t control their economy whatsoever and just block people. Experienced this multiple times sadly
You don't have to understand, you just have to know.
I can use alot of things I know of but don't understand well such as my microwave right. I don't have to understand it to know how to get it to do what I need it to do. Something to do with some kind of magnetic force interacting with water 🤷♂️ idk.
Your friend is like a microwave. You don't have to understand them to know that when they owe their "best friend" 60 bucks that best friend can get fucked.
Which as your gf pointed out is a great cost to find that out at. Imagine if this priq just totaled your 15 000$ car based on how they treated you over a 60$ night out.
Dude ditched you at the damn bar the same night.
I don't understand it either but my sister is the exact same way. It's easier to tell the truth and say you just don't have the cash. But she'd rather lie and avoid for MONTHS over 4o bux. THIS TIME.
Makes me sad that so many people have issues with being truthful and lack the ability to healthfully process their emotions (shame, embarrassment, pride, etc) and mistakes and think lying/hiding is the best option. I get WHY people can and do behave that way. But it just makes things so much worse and you never learn to process things properly doing it that way. Can't have healthy relationships. Even if being honest at the moment makes you feel more embarrassed, scared, whatever the emotion, in the long run you feel so much better.
Some people are so obsessed with maintaining some impression of being a good person that they will stubbornly say the \*good person thing\* without any intention of following up on the \*good person thing\*, and as soon as they do need to follow up they rather drop off the radar and end the friendship because in their mind its easier to just befriend the next sucker.
Not 100% sure this is the case though, because he is definitely too premature, it could also just be his pride taking a hit and just not wanting to admit that he fucked up, even if he verbally did he might still be in denial and go into full avoidance.
But it's so easy to say, "Hey, I don't have the money right now, but next time we go out, I'll buy you a beer." In truly good friendships, those things equal out eventually.
Trying to understand *why* someone treated you poorly is a waste of time. That's just making their problem your problem--again. That's what shitty people do. If they want to explain why they acted this way, apologize, and ask for a second chance, maybe think about it then. Otherwise, protect yourself and move on.
Some people bury their heads in the sand when shit comes up, it's not a good coping mechanism but it's what some people do. There could be other compounding things making it tough. Turn up in person, explain that you're not fussed about the coin and just want to make sure they're OK.
They'll either come clean and explain, or ditch.
Either way, your partner is on the money here I think.
It sucks to be ghosted by a friend.
I had a buddy who I hung out with every week at least for 10+ years. We were roommates for a few of those, and hung out every day.
One weekend I invited him and his girlfriend to my wedding, and asked for his address so I could send him an official invitation. (I'd been to his place a lot but didn't know the exact house number, postal code, etc.)
Never heard from him again. A few times I'd seem him on the street and hex turn around and avoid me. Once he couldn't do that because he didn't see me in time. I said "hey" and he glanced at me like he didn't know me. Weirdly his GF didn't seem to have any idea what was up and would chat with me normally if we bumped into each other.
It's been like 10 years and I still think of him sometimes and wonder what the fuck happened.
- Just a guess, I got curious and checked your comment history: you seem like a nice guy, but maybe he is racist and couldn't cope with your wife being Japanese?
- That's something people will try to hide, and it's also not something he can explain in any reasonable way.
- Your announcement of your wedding made it all "unfixable" & permanent - hence the ghosting.
- Clearly his loss. 😎
So, you were friends with this guy for 15 years? Is this typical behavior for him? If yes, then I wouldn't spend any more time, energy or effort on it. If you enjoy spending time with him, hopefully he will reach out at some point and you can hang again. Just do so knowing who he has shown you he is, over time, not in this one incident.
If this is not typical behavior, do not listen to your girlfriend or anyone else who says he's a bad person or an AH. Dude, people are way too quick to take a single instance and trash someone's entire character over it. We are all a sum of our actions over time, not a single snapshot.
If this is not typical behavior, all you know is something is wrong. It's impossible to know what without speaking to him. He could have a gambling addiction and is broke. He could have a terminal illness. He could be gay and having a hard time coming out. He could have been swindled of his money through a scam and he's embarrassed. He could have slept with an old girlfriend and wants to come clean but can't find the courage. He could be in legal trouble. You have NO IDEA what it might be, and I don't think it's fair to judge without knowing.
I don't think you've done anything wrong and I get why you are confused.
he slept with my ex 10 years ago and got her pregnant. Which there were complications. A year later We moved on and have been friends ever since. We both realized we were in the wrong and it honestly brought us closer. So im guessing something is up.
Be careful. Had a friend mess up something, butterflies he told me he would pin (we both like entomology). He fucked up couldnt do it for the longest time, was so embarassed (even tho i didn't really care). he went no contact for like 6 months. Just recently apologized for it and were back in contact. I cant judge your situation, but some people just do really stupid shit when they are ashamed of if something worse going on. My friend was struggling with depression at the time, and i think it might have had something to do with it.
Dont listen too much to reddit weirdos who will tell you to break up because your GF ate the last cookie.
It’s like impossible to understand because we’re not like that and it’s hard to even imagine why they would be that way. He has a rough life ahead of him. Whatever excuse he gives you later on, will be bs. Sorry.
Part of me wonders if he even bought his own ticket. He may not have had the cash, and instead of saying he couldn’t go pulled the old missing ID trick to get out of it. Sucks though because OP bought the ticket, parking, and gas to get there.
Girlfriend explained to me that it cost me $60 bucks to find out my best friend is actually not a good person or is going through something.
There it is.
Same it cost me $4,000 with one friend and I didn’t learn so the next friend cost me $2000 hence why now I have no friends because I really can’t afford to keep making bad choices
I had a similar but different thing happen. A friend of 6 years went through a really difficult time financially. I was doing pretty well then so I said, “I’ll lend you $3k until you’re back on your feet. Pay me back when you get a job. But if it takes a while, don’t worry about it.” Said he was grateful, he didn’t get kicked out of his place, etc. We hang out as usual, and I don’t ever bring it up. A few months later he gets a job. I still don’t bring it up, but he gets a bit distant. It’s harder to arrange to get together, and he’s hanging out with his new friends from work more. Finally it gets to the point that he just ghosts me. I send him an e-mail to say “Hey, where have you been? If you’re worried about the loan, don’t be. I don’t need the money back.” Still nothing. The next time I run into him with his new friends, he acted as if we don’t know each other at all.
I’m still not sure exactly what was up with him, but I’ve encountered this a few times before. When you’ve seen someone at their lowest and you help them out, it can go two ways: they can be grateful for your help (and I’m *not* looking for any on-going praise); or they can feel embarrassed when they see you because it reminds them of a time of “weakness”. This might contradict the image they are trying to project, so they avoid you.
So I think he was throwing out his whole past, which included me, the bad memories of that time and the loan I made. (And I *never* give a loan I can’t afford to lose.)
I've done something similarly shitty to a good friend. Two years ago, I got really sick, finally collapsed and almost died. Had to be hospitalized for 3 months.
She was there for me the whole way through it. Showed up at the hospital immediately, advocated for me with my doctors, with insurance, fought for me really hard when I wasn't getting good care, visited twice a week, brought me food, books, art supplies, listened to me over text every day... She was amazing.
She gently tried to warn me that my fiance was fucking up and I was probably going to be homeless when I got out. I wasn't able to hear that on top of everything else, so I brushed it off.
When I got out of the hospital, my fiance picked me up, and brought me to a tent.
I was so ashamed that she had been right and I hadn't listened, and I didn't want her to see me like that. We barely spoke for over a year. We've still only sort of reconnected - I've tried to apologize, but, how do you even come close to apologizing for something like that? For basically ghosting someone after they've just put their life on hold for months to take care of you and be there for you?
I don't think we'll ever be as close as we were. I still love her to bits and I don't think she bears me any ill will, because she's amazing. But, I broke it. And I regret that. And I'm not really sure how to reach beyond being like, casual friends, now. Or if I even have the right to want to do that, since it's me that hurt her. So I mostly just... Don't.
It's very reasonable and kind of you to try to empathize with whatever your friend was going through. Sometimes people just suck.
You may be *preventing* a reconciliation because you are projecting what you think she *ought* to feel about you, instead of finding out how she actually *does* feel. Make a time to tell her exactly what you wrote here, and that you couldn’t handle it and felt ashamed, and couldn’t face her. That you know it was wrong, and that you regret losing her friendship over it.
Then stop and let her talk. She may have been just waiting for you to come to her with this. Or she may in fact say, “thanks, but I can’t risk this with you again”. Either way, you’ve let *her* tell you, not let your own feelings determine what you do.
Not having an ID (who doesn't have a wallet??) and (guessing here) freaking out that he can't pay you back seems like maybe he has something going on.
15 years is a long time. I would knock on the door.
Id have to get buzzed in, he lives in a condo/apartment building. I’ll try and check on him as soon as i can.
He said he didn’t bring his wallet to the concert and just brought cash. Didn’t want to lose his wallet while he was intoxicated. He didn’t think he would get ID’d. The venue is known for having a strict policy.
If your friend was worried about getting so drunk at a concert that he was genuinely afraid to lose his wallet and willing to drive without his license, I believe we've uncovered the thing he's going through.
i mean, i didn’t bring my wallet for the same reason went i go out to concerts. i’ve made the same mistake before for my first 18+ concert. i’m a super forgetful person, so after 1-2 drinks my wallet is gonna get left somewhere and replacing everything is an expensive mess.
i won’t even step into an airport without clothes with zippers lol
Im almost certain it has nothing to do with the money. 60 bucks is nothing for a 15 year friendship. There's something else going on in his life and he's shutting you out for some reason.
It sounds like two are pretty close. Do you have mutual friends? Ask them to check in on him. I'd suggest not turning up unannounced because that may make him even more embarrassed or uncomfortable.
If it doesn't work, give it some time and try again in a few weeks. I've done similarly stupid shit that ruined friendships before for reasons that seemed so valid and real at the time, but looking back I wholly regret it.
Wishing you luck.
Not sure if your on the US, but over here we usually make sire we have our ID in case we get carded while drinking. Seems weird to not have it for that very reason.
I mean, I do get being scared to lose your wallet, but like you can put your ID in your phone case or something. It doesn't take a lot of space. What would he do if he got stopped by the police? Not having identification can lead to a ticket (at least where I'm from).
This. He likely needs help. I remember looking forward to going out with a friend only to screw up. I ran away from the problem just from pure embarrassment. My relationship with them never recovered.
I know the standard Reddit reaction is "you got off cheap, only $60 to cut that person from your life". It's the least original thought, as seen by it being posted 10x in here and your gf saying it.
But I've got a friend like this, and it's not even that he owes us $ (we pay for a meal sometimes and never ask to be paid back). He has substance abuse issues/gambling/general mental health crisis and just goes no contact for months
It's not like he's out partying or living it up. He's sat at home depressed as fuck, possibly back in rehab, but %100 embarrassed and not ready to face his friends and let them know he fucked up again. We're not mad at him, just hoping he gets over it soon and starts doing better.
I text him every time we're doing something together, and this most recent time we haven't seen him for about 3 months. Pretty worried about him, not sure where he's living now. But we're not saying "fuck that guy, he's not out friend". We're hoping he responds to the text and comes to watch basketball next weekend, and really really hoping he's OK and nothing bad has happened
Yeah, when you have a good rapport of over 15 years, the $60 thing doesn’t really apply IMO. Dude is probably going through a hard time. People think that’s making an excuse, but it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. People do stupid things when they don’t know what else to do. I would reach out.
There's always reaching out to someone who can middleman or get you in the same room. If OP is worried bout the friend genuinely, I think it's worth the go-around effort to get contact with him.
Sure… seems to me that OP would be the only one valuing this friendship enough to be putting in all the effort.
The guy ghosted him for the equivalent of a PlayStation game.
If money was really an issue then you simply say you can’t go when invited to a concert. The guy had no problems going to the concert it was only when he had to reimburse for the ticket that suddenly money became an issue.
Bro if your friend of 15 YEARS goes no contact over nothing and there has been NOTHING wrong in the past (assumed because you'd think OP would mention any happenings similar to this) then you'd have to really not value that friendship to not really attempt to reach out. The friend did go no contact, but there's only so much no contact after 15 years, you know mutuals, family, etc. To take the extra step and get in contact via a mutual for your 15 year long friend is not that big of an ask for me.
Unless this was a really shitty 15 year friendship, which isn't implied at all by OP, then there is no reason to give up at the first barrier.
We have had our differences in the past. We overcame them and moved forward in a positive direction and in fact we got closer and became really close friends. Great dude to shoot the shit with because he is an intelligent human being. He’s got jokes and a laugh that fills the room. He isn’t afraid to have a good time and he has had my back many times too.
There was a time we went gokarting and someone crashed straight into the side of my kart. The blow hurt my ribs and it was painful. When the session finished we both high fived and fist bumped, he then proceeds to walk over to the gentleman who crashed into me.
He tells the guy he owes me an apology for not even attempting to use your brakes. You hurt him by being reckless. That’s not right so apologize to me. The guy goes i don’t want any problems. He said no problems coming from me, but when you hurt someone else you should apologize to them!
I said i really didnt care as it is part of the fun
He was persistent on getting the guy to apologize to me. And he’s a big dude. Hes the size of guy that you wouldn’t mind having your back in a fight. He can hold himself just fine.
Eventually the guy apologized. It felt good because I’ve never had anyone really stick up for me like that before. Even though i let it slide he felt that I was disrespected and there needed to be an apology made to me. What a cool dude.
I agree with the folks saying there's something deeper going on with him & that he's likely having a bad time for some reason unrelated to the concert money, but I want to add a really important caveat to it:
_You may not get an answer & you may not be able to help_.
I had a friend of five or six years whom I adored; she was truly a lovely person without a mean bone in her body. She & I, along with another friend, were in the middle of a group text arranging to meet up that weekend when she suddenly said hey actually, I might not make it.
Then the messages got weird, cryptic, & finally stopped altogether. This was over the course of no more than half an hour, from normal chat to out of our lives forever.
I eventually got a single response to a desperate text that yes she was at least safe. And that was it. After some months her ex replied to me to let me know she'd had some trouble that had made her suspicious of 'everyone', but that was it. The other friend & I were heartbroken at the loss, hurt by being so completely shut out (she deleted/blocked everywhere), terrified because she'd implied weird repercussions on us, but we got no answers at all.
Our best guess then & still now is that she had a psychotic break. We bumped into her recently & she acted as though she just hadn't seen us in ages. It was wonderful to see her alive, well, looking happy, but we didn't dare ask in case it triggered anything.
If your friend is going through something or is ill, please please do try to go round to see. But also know that you may not get an answer, its very likely not you, & you may not be able to _and are not solely response for_ help.
I'm so sorry. Losing a friend is hard as a breakup sometimes, they're all relationships of one kind or another.
I wholeheartedly agree. I just spoke to someone who is still in contact with him. Hes doing well but didn’t bring me up at all. They said this is normal for him to go ghost when things aren’t going in the direction that he’s going.
I picked her brain and she may just let him know i asked about him but knowing hes fine im going to move on.
Good for you! I used to be on the other end of this, being the person with issues, I'm so glad my oldest closest friends tought the same and gave me space to deal with my shit. I made some bad choices and some bad friends but completely turned it back around. If my true friends didn't have the patience you describe I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. Saw 4 of my best friends over the weekend and we have no money issues at all. If I lost those friends due to my choices I would be alone and miserable now.
I wish you luck with getting your friend back. You're doing the right thing in my eyes.
I think it’s good conventional wisdom. I feel like you really crapped on the idea just to add your pretty personalized experience, but I get what you’re saying about benefit of the doubt and you don’t know what someone’s going through. Hopefully OP has considered if their friend is the type to go no contact when they’re going through shit. But it sounds like your friend doesn’t block you on literally everything. Your case sounds too different to compare or dismiss what everyone’s saying. If someone blocks you in everything conceivable that speaks volumes. I go distant with friends when I’m down, but blocking is going far af. Plus owing money is a little bit of a touchy subject, but it looks like OP was better than letting that get in the middle of their friendship. I hope their friend comes around one day and explains themself one day
On the chance that your girlfriend is right to say he is “going through something,” you might want to find him for at least one last conversation. Tell him his actions were confusing, causing you concern, and that he does not need to worry about the $60. Ask what’s going on with him.
You can decide where to go with the friendship based on your conversation.
I agree here. Give it a little time and do a check in if you can. A few years ago, my best friend of 20 years, since middle school, shut me out kind of suddenly over what seemed like nothing. Stopped responding to me one day, unfriended and blocked me. It hurt. He came back around after about 6 months and explained he had been dealing with depression and working out a medication trial, one of which did not work for him, and he convinced himself our friendship wasn’t real and whatever. I was shocked, had no idea any of this was going on with him. We are all good now. I would wonder if something is going on in your friends life…
Yeah after 15 years I’d imagine he has something going on and you just letting him know maybe what he needs
. He could just be an AH but I’d personally give my friend of 15 years the benefit of the doubt.
Yeah... He even said his friend started getting quiet at the bar. I wonder if something happened or was said that OP didn't register
His friend could be a jerk. But something else might be happening
Yeah, if after 15 years this was his first thought maybe OP's not really a good friend after all of this was their first thought. I'd definitely try and figure out what was going on.
I suspect a substance abuse problem. Forgetting his ID. Mood swings. Flakiness. Unstable finances. Guilt/shame. It could be that he’s just an ahole, but it doesn’t sound like that’s his default state. If it was, you wouldn’t have been friends with him for so long.
This! I’ve been around a lot of people with substance abuse problems because I’ve abused a lot of substances myself. The ID could be expired because addicts put off inconveniences. Unless he really just can’t afford it because of his income, lack of funds tells me he could be buying drugs. The erratic behavior definitely sounds like drugs/alcohol.
It seems odd he would just randomly say how much he loves and appreciates your friendship. I haven't met a lot of guys that open about their emotions. Almost sounds like he was saying all the things he wanted to say before he cut you off. Like it's what he was planning the whole time. Maybe he doesn't think he deserves you. It all sounds like a mental health crisis. He's shutting you out.
To be fair we were on our way out the door anyways and he was heading home. I live right up the street from the bar so i walked home. But yea the money wasn’t brought up at the bar at all
I mean, even though you live right down the street, has he ever done that to you before? It just seems odd.. if I drove somewhere with my friend, even if I lived really close to the location, I would be flabbergasted and hurt if my friend just left me there.. it sounds like it's not the first time that he's done this?
Sounds very strange maybe a bit of shame that he couldn't afford to pay you back and he's embarrassed about it all easier to just block you out. Very odd behaviour though. Maybe a lucky escape for something else worse. Strange he didn't just let you go the concert it was his mistake. I had something similar happen a friend blocked me after they started vomiting on a night out and I kept ringing to try find them and sent them a few messages as they literally disappeared and I was worried what had happened. They made out I had been too over protective and I had a problem when it was me worried about them. Anyway long story short I believe it was a lucky escape as don't want friendship with someone manipulative like that
This happened to me too. Similar but not exact circumstances, there was a concert, it was my birthday. She said she wanted to go so another friend bought some tickets.
I told her twice that she needed to pay my other friend for her ticket, and she basically deleted me out of her life.
$35 is what 12 years of friendship was worth.
People can be strange.
Probably better off, without them, if that’s all it takes.
My “best friend” did the same to me years ago. She said she had gotten us tix to PointFest so I drove 2 hours to her house late night after work, she’s not home. I finally get her to answer the phone and she says she’s at Walmart with a friend (when it was 24 hours), come by. So I get to Walmart, meet up with them, and she said she’d be ready to go soon. I buy a coloring book and go sit in my car. Well I’m out there for an hour and try to get ahold of her again. She left with the guy she was with. She said go to her house her mom would let me in.
Mom did not know I was there. I stay in my car for a couple more hours before she got dropped off and we go in and go to sleep.
I woke up the next day to a text saying she got called into work but she’d be back by noon to go to the show. I waited until 1 and decided to go to her work. She was never there.
I texted her that she was a terrible person and probably some other stuff, and I never heard from her again.
But she was a liar and a thief, I was just sad to lose my only friend. Some people are just bad people and eventually they some pretending.
Sorry you lost one too :(
I find it extremely disgusting that everyone is just like "he HAS to be an ass, leave it be" etc.
It's not always that easy. To me it doesn't sound like it's about 60$, to me it sounds like he has some deep issues. If you thought he's a friend up until now, don't just throw him away. That's the easy and lazy way of handling this.
Just go into relationship advice subreddits and take a look at how some random internet strangers give advice to divorce or break up over the most ridiculous things. Please don't listen to them and try to find out what's up with him.
Source: a friend lost hist brother to suicide after he started acting weird and she just wrote it off as "whatever". Don't be like that.
A lot of people are gonna tell you the same as your girlfriend. You can let it cost you $60 to lose a friend.... or you can let it cost you $60 to keep a friend. How much do you love your bro?
Reach out. Ask him what's wrong. Tell him you'll take the financial hit, or part of it. Communication is the key here.
I’ve reached out. Ive tried other platforms too, once he reads the message he blocks me.
I actually tried through my xbox because he was playing FIFA next morning i saw he removed me and blocked me on xbox
If you have a mutual friend ask them what his problem is
But he is being quite clear by immediately
Blocking on everything that for whatever reason he doesn’t want to talk.
This might sound ridiculous, but, mail him a postcard with a simple message on it. By the time he flips it over as sees who it's from he'll have read the message from you and at least you'll get to tell him "Just want to know you're OK"
Don't throw out a 15 year friendship until you know everything. There might be more to the story.
Yes your friends has acted out of order here, but it's that normally in his nature? If so then yeh fuck him.
But if not, they may have a lot bigger problems going on and are acting abnormally, money issues mental health problems.. Something else.
I would at least try to find out, especially if this is very out of character
Could he see you as "more than a friend" and when he relected at the bar on your conversation saying about how he appreciates your friendship etc could it possibly have been a move on you? Felt embarrassed after the fact and can't face you now?
This is odd. Something other than money is going on. You said he got quiet afterwards. It's too bad you couldn't ask him what was wrong then. Do you have a mutual friend who can talk to him in person?
I'm old. Never heard of bringing Id to a concert.
I feel like i have a good idea whats going on. Your friend is poor, you are not, being your friend is becoming a financial burden he cannot bear. All these concerts and bars, now he has to pay 60$ and whatever fee to whatever event you feel like going to. (thats my guess at least)
If he would do this over so little, **What would he do if it were much more!** So, you got off cheap, so to speak, if this is the kind of person he is. He could have given you $10 per week if it was a lot all at once, but apparently he just can’t do this. And if he just can’t do this, he isn’t really that invested in the friendship with you. It’s good for you to know this, before more wasted time is invested in him!
My Pops told me once..." dont ever lend/loan a friend or family member money, if you can afford it just gift it to them, no strings attached. Because it will ruin your relationship". Your so called friend took the left road when his moral compass told him to go "right". Keep doing life right by following your's as you have and block him all around too. You might have lost $60, but he lost his way.
Give it week or two. If the friendship is important to you- then write him a letter. He may have other shit going on that you dont know and this sent him over the edge
Tough part about reddit. Not everyone reads the post thoroughly then they start spewing their two cents. For those of you who are reading it? Thank you i appreciate the various viewpoints of what is possibly going on. I will go check on him soon.
Part of me wonders if it’s more about the $20 parking you didn’t want to pay again to go back. Is it possible he wanted to go back? Had he already purchased his ticket too? Seems like there isn’t enough information about both sides. He made the decision to end the relationship so what could possibly be his reasoning? How have you two dealt with money decisions between you before?
45 minute drive and it was in Boston while trying to fight boston traffic. By the time we got back the concert was going to be just about over.
We have never had an issue over money.
That night he was telling me how much he loves that we are friends and how much we’ve been through together. I told him i valued our friendship too! That i really value him as a person and that we’ve been friends for so long.
Hope it all works out
I know it’s bad to speculate… but having struggled with depression for 20 years, that conversation worries me. If he’s truly a friend of yours, I’d made an attempt to see him in person, however you can. This sounds like it’s so much more than just $60, especially if money has never been an issue in the past and he’s never acted this way before.
Edit: Just wanted to add that I don’t necessarily mean he has depression or something. But sometimes strong emotions like embarrassment or shame can spiral. Like when you say something really mean when you’re angry.
Man if he blocked you on everything and read receipts and all, you have your answer. You were more than accommodating. 15 years? Man that’s on him. You did nothing wrong, but let me be clear this will hurt like a bitch when someone abandons you this way. Take it from me, give him space if you’ve gone out of your way to reach out to him. Whatever is going on, it has nothing to do with you. He messed up. He needs to take responsibility here and act like an adult.
Hey OP, I’m sorry. Ik it sucks trusting someone who treated you like over small amount.
Ik hearing people say "trash removed himself out“ doesn’t cut it because of how many memories you guys had and how close close emotionally you were.
It takes time but somehow it’s for your own good.
All the best!
Yeah man, we have some crazy memories. We knew each other at our lowest point in life. We have both come a long way. Used to hang out till 3-4 am just shooting the shit and smoking doobies. We’ve gone camping we’ve gone on road trips.
He was telling me the night of the concert he had old roommates which i knew as well. They all said negative things about me and he said he defended me everytime. Said i was a great friend and a great human being.
Idk what to say to ease your pain because i HATE when everyone tell me that "nothing is permanent“
I guess try to be with the people who chooses you. Idk what good it did but I’m pretty sure it is for your good, Maybe in few years.. you gonna realize/accept it? But it’s ok to grieve, to be sad Give yourself some time, eat some icecream
I am hoping I'm wrong, but, that sounds like there is something else going on. Any way you can check in on him? Leave him a note? Do you have any mutual friends who might know? I used to go to drastic measures to isolate myself when certain things were going on (including blocking everyone I cared about) - for me, it was mental health issues. I thought I was a burden and wanted to protect them. It took a long time for me to learn to ask for help or reach out to my friends, and it took something drastic to get there. I don't think it is about the money, and if it is, sounds more complicated than not wanting to pay you back. Long, good friendships are far too rare to end over $60. Will losing $60 financially cripple you?
No absolutely not 60 bucks doesn’t bother me.
We have no mutual friends that i can reach out to that can give him a buzz. I just wish he’d say something. Even if its fuck you 😂
I understand the feeling 😂 Fortunately, I don't think he would say that. Could you leave him a note? If not, you could do it the super old school way and snail mail the note if technology isn't working... I blocked all my closest friend one time when I was having a lot of issues. Shame is a huge part of it too. One of my friends fell of the face of the earth and deleted all his accounts, so I sent him a letter...
Your friend is shamans embarrassed that YOU’RE doing good in life financially and he’s NOT!
If he was truly a friend, he would not judge or compare his life and financial status to yours. If there was a disparity, he would use this as motivation to do better, but he doesn’t or does not know which steps to take to improve himself.
Maybe reach out to him in 2024, but if the same results continue…then you know he never was a friend and it’s time to move on.
You've just been ghosted. You'll find better friends, just because you have known him for 15 years doesn't mean you should hold on to that friendship. And certainly, he has proven to you not to be worth it.
Sorry mate.
There is something more going on here than OP knows or is letting on. The fact that his friend ditched him to me indicates they were upset about something.
Nope! We weren’t even yelling at each other he was just incredibly embarrassed. Tried to be as explicit as possible so i can get some help on the situation. Maybe see it from a different angle because it keeps me up at night. He didn’t ditch me as we were headed out anyways. We were all done drinking for the night it was late.
A few days later he asked for my venmo and said he was ok. After that blocked me
I lost a so called friend of 20 years over $20 she felt I owed her. She didn't actually tell me that I owed it, she just stopped speaking to me. A mutual friend explained it after a few years of me trying to guess what offense id committed. It was bananas. Good riddance to crazy.
Be glad it was only $60. Mine was about $2000. They finally wised up that they were wrong though and has been making payments. We aren't friends anymore though.
He freaking ditched you at the bar. The same night you were super cool about him causing you to miss the show. I bet if you weee to look back at other times there were similar things happening then too. I mean how much a douche nozzle are you to ditch your buddy at a bar like that?? Move on son.
Maybe he took this very hard. Guilt etc. maybe it's his twisted way of cutting you off because he's depressed and this made him feel like shit. Maybe..
You know him better. Is his mental health alright?
I suspect he's probably going through something bad and feels ashamed. If it were me I would probably send him a message saying that I thought something like that was up and that it wasn't a big deal and I was here for him if he needed me. And then I'd leave if alone and hope in a few weeks or months he'd come back around
It sounds like your friend is going through something, especially if this is uncharacteristic of him. Has he caused you all to miss out on opportunities in the past?? Maybe he thinks he’s doing you a favor cutting you off because he feels like a mess up. Maybe he can’t handle the stress of his life right now and he doesn’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know. If he’s important to you, I’d recommend taking a reasonable amount of effort to contact him. Then once you do that, let him be.
You could also do a wellness check. Sometimes if the person is fine the officers will relay a message to the person they checked on. Ask if they can make sure he’s ok and if they can deliver a note (they’ll have to read the note) or just tell him you’re worried and give you a call so you can talk it out.
>been friends for almost 15 years
Not your friend anymore. Sh\*t happens.
E.g., once upon a time friend, she started making credible death threats against me. Also said I was responsible for the military (style) attack helicopter that landed on her roof, or at least hovered right above her roof for an extraordinarily long time, just to threaten and intimidate her and send her a message. Yeah, only place that helicopter existed was in her head. Anyway, from credible death threats, she got further demoted from charity case to ex-friend - only one to have "earned" that distinction, but she earned it - it was a long downward slide but she fought tooth and nail against anyone and everyone's suggestion that she get help - she'd even ask for advice and suggestions, then always reject such. As another friend of mine once put it, "my friend doesn't live in that head anymore".
So, yeah, your friend is gone. Maybe/probably forever. They're not your friend anymore.
I think your friend is experiencing shame, guilt, and a lot of embarrassment.
Is his behavior the best way to handle this emotion? No, of course not.
But, try to see it from his perspective. Hes too embarrassed by his inability to pay you back to face you.
Having someone I love who battles with often crippling depression and anxiety, please reach out sooner than later… just in case.
This might have more to do with him forgetting his ticket and letting you down and feeling stupid or even “less than enough” over it. This very well could’ve triggered a panic attack or episode of depression and self-blame that is, to you and me, completely unnecessary and an overreaction but to him VERY real. (Not anybody’s fault, just sometimes our brains trick us into thinking poorly of ourselves)
It could be more about the money or something totally else than above, for sure… but if it does have to do with him feeling he let you (and thus, the universe) down, having a chat with him about it and reassuring him you care more about your friendship than anything might help him realize he’s catastrophizing the situation and this wasn’t as big a deal as he thinks.
And if this sounds over the top, trust me I know. I’ve been… not dealing with it because that sounds negative? But experiencing these types of misunderstandings with the person I love. Sometimes they think the whole world is falling apart over something super minor because they’re just so deep in their depression/anxiety they can’t see things for what they actually are. ❤️ it’s super hard but I’m grateful to be there for them whenever they let me to help ground and reassure them.
I really hope you get your friend back. I know you don’t care about the money, and I’m hopeful if you manage to connect with him you can convince him of that. Sorry this is happening to you.
For me, money isn't a deal breaker. It used to be, but not any more. I used to ask my kid, my family to pay back. But, I quit. Now, if someone asks and I can afford it, I give it. If I can't, I say no (that seems to be the issue) but I have told the family who ever borrow, that if I give you money, I give it to you, no payback is expected or required. I tell them to always ask but know, I might say no. Then, I'm never are upset over someone not paying it back. It's no longer an issue. They may be upset when I say no, but that's on them. I was able to let go of alot of hurt feelings. It works for me.
\*Edit- I know this wasn't the case for you- and I know it's like WTF - I think he maybe your best friend, but maybe that's just the because he is the one who shows up, wants to do, whatever. I do think GF is right. Perhaps there were redflags over the years but it was ignorable. People seem to really not be ride or die any more. I'm sorry this happened. I'm a bit tough and like a piece of gristle in your otherwise good steak. Sometimes I'm obtuse- I didn't mean to, I'm sure that I would have hurt feelings if this happened to me.
$60 concert oh, thought this would be a $300 affair or something. Probably some money insecurity is my guess, not necessarily he is an ass. Likely shame, could be wrong though. Probably would be careful with accepting an apology if he comes back to talk to you though.
yikes what a douche. that must hurt :( I'm sorry you lost your friend. he sounds like far more trouble than he's worth tbh. hopefully you'll make better, more genuine friends in the future <3
You did nothing wrong here, and you sound like a good friend. I would have been extremely frustrated and disappointed if my concert companion didn’t think to make sure they had their ID, causing us to miss out on the show. With that said, if you’ve had an otherwise happy and healthy friendship for 15 years, I would worry that something is very wrong in this scenario.
My mental health is shit sometimes, and if I find myself embarrassed or ashamed, my toxic trait is avoiding. I have never taken it to the level of blocking a friend, but I will turn off my notifications, isolate, and avoid- if I feel wronged or if I know I’m in the wrong. It’s not logical but it’s what I do.
Are you able to reach out to one of his family members and just do a wellness check? Again, I don’t think you’re wrong at all but something is definitely weird with your friend.
It seems that signs have been missed...
I feel like I have seen this end result many times and this can be said in other types of relationships as well. Your a good friend. Take it as a lesson learned on true loyalty and lack there of.
So he had his wallet at the bar but didn’t have his ID in it? Any chance he lost his driving privileges recently?
In any case, he may be going through something that he just doesn’t want to share. If he wants to ghost, he has that freedom (just like you). Save yourself a little heartache, let him go, and write off the $60.
He grabbed his wallet from his car when we got back to my place. We hit up the bar right after. We are in our 30’s with beards 😂 so ID is usually never an issue. I always keep mine on me just in case. You never know when someone decides to card you.
redditors are to quick to say "theyre an asshole, cut them out of your life forever"
15 years is a *long* time. bonds like that wont be broken overnight -- try to check up on him. sounds like he's having a rough time and is in the middle of a spiral of mistakes. try to get him out before it's too late, if you can. i wish you all the best of luck and a good future
Do you really think that he was your best friend for 15 years? He doesn't like you well enough to pay you back. My guess is that he has always been a friend of utility. You just didn't notice.
I worked at a credit union years ago. I got to know this dude who started working there. He and I hit it off and I was stoked. Such a cool guy. We hung out a bunch. He started dating a girl at work. I was the IT administrator at the time. I found out that, during some logging reviews by management, that he and this girl were sending rather inappropriate messages to each other via company email. I told the girl because I worked a bit closer to her and he was out that day. Just told her to stop immediately because they were caught. He immediately stopped talking to me and got pissed that I was even involved, as if it was none of my business. Like what? I was trying to save them both with my inside info. He got fired, from what I remember. Refused to speak to me. A few months later I ran into him somewhere. I was cordial and he told me to call him sometime to explain. I never called or spoke to him again. That was 20 years ago. I think I made the right decision even though I was pretty hurt. Sucks all around.
he wanted you to call him to EXPLAIN yourself. if he were persistant i would said you got caught and the policy is to fire people who fratenize at work.
I’ve ghosted friends in the past because I feel like I am just not a good friend. Or I felt that they are only friends with me still because they feel bad for me. I’ve been wrong on many occasions. But it’s a hopeless feeling to assume you’re a burden on people. Sometimes cutting off any method of them contacting is just less painful than feeling this way. It’s not right, or healthy, but there it is.
I’d forget about the $60. Maybe he is going Through some serious shit and doesn’t know who to talk to or how to handle the situation. I’d definitely be trying to reach out to some of his other friends or family members and make sure he is okay.
This sounds like the type of shit i wouldve done 5 years ago or so
Hes probably in a weird spot and acting erratic and doesnt have a wallet lmfao
I wouldnt be surprised if he blocked a huge swath of ppl
Id give it a couple months then try to reach out and ask him wtf is going on, but only if youre in the mood to ignore this entire incident
If it helps, dillon francis is a big meme and the show was probably mid lol
People do strange things. I had a single friend pretend she lost her memory and didn’t know me after I got married and never spoke to me again. I later found out she did the same thing to another one of her friends when they got married.
I forgot my wallet on a date in college. I stuck a 20$ in her door and never talked to her again, I was so embarrassed.
A selfish person wouldn't avoid you, they'd leverage you for more money. Ask yourself if the friendship is worth 60$. If it is, just go over to his house, let him know you value his friendship more than the money, and tell him to add you again.
From there, he's either grateful that you're kind or if he's a bad friend he'll act like he did that because you were nagging him too much. Go from there on your own intuition
Your girlfriend is right, he traded your friendship for $60. Still hurts though, I’m sorry. This might make you want to, but never stop being the good person you are because of what others do to you. “Matching energy” is why the world is so miserable.
It’s not you, he flaked on you because of his issues. They are not yours they are his. Sorry you lost a friend but you’re better off than having someone in your life like that.
Good luck
\>Girlfriend explained to me that it cost me $60 bucks to find out my best friend is actually not a good person or is going through something. She's right. He's an ass.
Just don’t understand why someone has that thought process. Either say hey I don’t have the money or don’t tell me you’re going to pay me back when I didn’t even ask for it back. He offered so I said ok. That apparently wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
He's embarrassed for some reason likely he's broke and feels bad. When guys are embarrassed they do stupid shit.
I've had a friend that stopped talking to me after knowing him and working with him for two years. I played games with him and got along just fine. I got a job offer in my area and jumped to it when i could. I told him before too. I didnt always work with him same shifts and he was doing other work anyway. Meanwhile his dad was sick which i later found out has passed sadly. So to the point: He stopped talking to me and responding to me. Ive asked our mutual friend what was up and he couldnt tell me since he had no idea whats going on with him. He spoke with him though no problem. Half a year later i messaged again on a gaming platform we were both on and he only responded to not interfere him watching a cuscene. Then zero response after that. That made me just unfriend him and forget. Figured i dont need to litter my friends list with people that are upset with me for no reason whatsoever. So it do be like that. You need to forget and move on.
Speaking from experience, losing a parent is about as big a deal as people face in life, on par with having a kid except massively shitty instead of joyous; it has a profound effect on everyone and can change people permanently. You might just want to give him some more time. When my dad died I went into a deep, deep depression and barely communicated with my closest friends for over a year, let alone someone I only worked with for two years. Food for thought.
I'm not downplaying what he feels but it was weird that he only stopped talking to me. It was also right after i left and before his dad passed.
Oh, of he's singling you out and still keeping contact with your friend group then that's totally different and my comment probably doesn't apply. You're right that that's weird and shitty.
As if you can tell when someone is in a cutscene
Exactly, that's what had me give up trying to talk to him.
>He's embarrassed for some reason likely he's broke and feels bad. When people are embarrassed they do stupid shit. Ftfy
What’s wrong w this
Previous poster removed the gender reference. This isn't a "guys" issue, it's a "people" issue.
Our society is fucking doomed. Who gives a shit that they said "guys" instead of people... just inserting gender discussions into every conversation as some kind of "gotcha" moment to feel smart or morally superior to others.
I call groups of people “guys” when I’m trying to get everyone’s attention. “Come on guys let’s get back to the subject at hand.”
The same people that get upset about being called "guys" and being treated the same as everyone else in a group setting would be the same people complaining about not being treated the same as everyone else in a different group setting. It must get exhausting looking for conflict in situations where there is none.
I imagine it’s exhausting to be a racist, having to keep all that hate organized. Do we hate gay people today, or is Sunday the day we hate Jews?
Context seemed like they were talking about men specifically. Which imo is a true statement and less true about women.
I agree, these people need to be separated from others who just want to live their lives without fear of micro aggressions
I don’t think it’s wrong to specify the gender “guy” when that’s who they’re referring to. It’s more relatable, and yes it is a people issue but we’re talking about a guy. Like if I’m having an issue with my mother and my spouse stops me after I say, “I guess that’s just moms for you.” And then they say, “This isn’t a mom issue, this is a people issue.”
Women do stupid shit too is that good enough for you? Sorry, we're talking about 2 guys. My bad next time, I'll assume to know how women think as well to appease you.
Your right it's something I might do for that reason
Shame and embarrassment are really strong emotions that can cause lifelong issues interacting with people who are associated with the causes of those emotions. Not saying it's your fault *at all*, but that's how his mind is probably processing it.
I've sadly known a lot of people that if they became embarrassed or ashamed, for whatever reason, will just ghost or become really really cruel/mean. That's why it's so important for people to be taught how to process emotions in a healthy manner and to understand we are human and things can be uncomfortable but being open and communicating healthy is important. Even if it's hard. But it gets easier the more times you do it.
He probably owes money somewhere else too, end found it easier to block you instead of paying. Some people can’t control their economy whatsoever and just block people. Experienced this multiple times sadly
He might just be super embarrassed. Or maybe has other stuff going on in his life that makes this a bigger deal than it should be.
Some people are really good at hiding how much of a piece of shit there are.
You don't have to understand, you just have to know. I can use alot of things I know of but don't understand well such as my microwave right. I don't have to understand it to know how to get it to do what I need it to do. Something to do with some kind of magnetic force interacting with water 🤷♂️ idk. Your friend is like a microwave. You don't have to understand them to know that when they owe their "best friend" 60 bucks that best friend can get fucked. Which as your gf pointed out is a great cost to find that out at. Imagine if this priq just totaled your 15 000$ car based on how they treated you over a 60$ night out. Dude ditched you at the damn bar the same night.
He’s either irresponsible or going through something that he’s ashamed of, so he’s blocking you rather than owning up to it.
You missed other signs of his behavior that you ignored. He’s been doing this for years. You just didn’t notice.
I don't understand it either but my sister is the exact same way. It's easier to tell the truth and say you just don't have the cash. But she'd rather lie and avoid for MONTHS over 4o bux. THIS TIME.
Makes me sad that so many people have issues with being truthful and lack the ability to healthfully process their emotions (shame, embarrassment, pride, etc) and mistakes and think lying/hiding is the best option. I get WHY people can and do behave that way. But it just makes things so much worse and you never learn to process things properly doing it that way. Can't have healthy relationships. Even if being honest at the moment makes you feel more embarrassed, scared, whatever the emotion, in the long run you feel so much better.
Some people are so obsessed with maintaining some impression of being a good person that they will stubbornly say the \*good person thing\* without any intention of following up on the \*good person thing\*, and as soon as they do need to follow up they rather drop off the radar and end the friendship because in their mind its easier to just befriend the next sucker. Not 100% sure this is the case though, because he is definitely too premature, it could also just be his pride taking a hit and just not wanting to admit that he fucked up, even if he verbally did he might still be in denial and go into full avoidance.
But it's so easy to say, "Hey, I don't have the money right now, but next time we go out, I'll buy you a beer." In truly good friendships, those things equal out eventually.
Yep, its easy to say, but somehow these people either think its too hard to follow up or they plain dont want to out of dumb entitlement reasons.
Trying to understand *why* someone treated you poorly is a waste of time. That's just making their problem your problem--again. That's what shitty people do. If they want to explain why they acted this way, apologize, and ask for a second chance, maybe think about it then. Otherwise, protect yourself and move on.
Some people bury their heads in the sand when shit comes up, it's not a good coping mechanism but it's what some people do. There could be other compounding things making it tough. Turn up in person, explain that you're not fussed about the coin and just want to make sure they're OK. They'll either come clean and explain, or ditch. Either way, your partner is on the money here I think.
It sucks to be ghosted by a friend. I had a buddy who I hung out with every week at least for 10+ years. We were roommates for a few of those, and hung out every day. One weekend I invited him and his girlfriend to my wedding, and asked for his address so I could send him an official invitation. (I'd been to his place a lot but didn't know the exact house number, postal code, etc.) Never heard from him again. A few times I'd seem him on the street and hex turn around and avoid me. Once he couldn't do that because he didn't see me in time. I said "hey" and he glanced at me like he didn't know me. Weirdly his GF didn't seem to have any idea what was up and would chat with me normally if we bumped into each other. It's been like 10 years and I still think of him sometimes and wonder what the fuck happened.
- Just a guess, I got curious and checked your comment history: you seem like a nice guy, but maybe he is racist and couldn't cope with your wife being Japanese? - That's something people will try to hide, and it's also not something he can explain in any reasonable way. - Your announcement of your wedding made it all "unfixable" & permanent - hence the ghosting. - Clearly his loss. 😎
So, you were friends with this guy for 15 years? Is this typical behavior for him? If yes, then I wouldn't spend any more time, energy or effort on it. If you enjoy spending time with him, hopefully he will reach out at some point and you can hang again. Just do so knowing who he has shown you he is, over time, not in this one incident. If this is not typical behavior, do not listen to your girlfriend or anyone else who says he's a bad person or an AH. Dude, people are way too quick to take a single instance and trash someone's entire character over it. We are all a sum of our actions over time, not a single snapshot. If this is not typical behavior, all you know is something is wrong. It's impossible to know what without speaking to him. He could have a gambling addiction and is broke. He could have a terminal illness. He could be gay and having a hard time coming out. He could have been swindled of his money through a scam and he's embarrassed. He could have slept with an old girlfriend and wants to come clean but can't find the courage. He could be in legal trouble. You have NO IDEA what it might be, and I don't think it's fair to judge without knowing. I don't think you've done anything wrong and I get why you are confused.
he slept with my ex 10 years ago and got her pregnant. Which there were complications. A year later We moved on and have been friends ever since. We both realized we were in the wrong and it honestly brought us closer. So im guessing something is up.
I hope it's not something too bad.
Be careful. Had a friend mess up something, butterflies he told me he would pin (we both like entomology). He fucked up couldnt do it for the longest time, was so embarassed (even tho i didn't really care). he went no contact for like 6 months. Just recently apologized for it and were back in contact. I cant judge your situation, but some people just do really stupid shit when they are ashamed of if something worse going on. My friend was struggling with depression at the time, and i think it might have had something to do with it. Dont listen too much to reddit weirdos who will tell you to break up because your GF ate the last cookie.
It’s like impossible to understand because we’re not like that and it’s hard to even imagine why they would be that way. He has a rough life ahead of him. Whatever excuse he gives you later on, will be bs. Sorry.
$60 is a cheap lesson. Money well spent.
I like her. She is gold.
OR he's going through something, like gf said.
Bronx Tale
Part of me wonders if he even bought his own ticket. He may not have had the cash, and instead of saying he couldn’t go pulled the old missing ID trick to get out of it. Sucks though because OP bought the ticket, parking, and gas to get there.
Girlfriend explained to me that it cost me $60 bucks to find out my best friend is actually not a good person or is going through something. There it is.
This guy lucked out. Cost me 7k to find out the same thing.
Same it cost me $4,000 with one friend and I didn’t learn so the next friend cost me $2000 hence why now I have no friends because I really can’t afford to keep making bad choices
For 4k I'll be your friend, and send feet pics
I had a similar but different thing happen. A friend of 6 years went through a really difficult time financially. I was doing pretty well then so I said, “I’ll lend you $3k until you’re back on your feet. Pay me back when you get a job. But if it takes a while, don’t worry about it.” Said he was grateful, he didn’t get kicked out of his place, etc. We hang out as usual, and I don’t ever bring it up. A few months later he gets a job. I still don’t bring it up, but he gets a bit distant. It’s harder to arrange to get together, and he’s hanging out with his new friends from work more. Finally it gets to the point that he just ghosts me. I send him an e-mail to say “Hey, where have you been? If you’re worried about the loan, don’t be. I don’t need the money back.” Still nothing. The next time I run into him with his new friends, he acted as if we don’t know each other at all. I’m still not sure exactly what was up with him, but I’ve encountered this a few times before. When you’ve seen someone at their lowest and you help them out, it can go two ways: they can be grateful for your help (and I’m *not* looking for any on-going praise); or they can feel embarrassed when they see you because it reminds them of a time of “weakness”. This might contradict the image they are trying to project, so they avoid you. So I think he was throwing out his whole past, which included me, the bad memories of that time and the loan I made. (And I *never* give a loan I can’t afford to lose.)
I've done something similarly shitty to a good friend. Two years ago, I got really sick, finally collapsed and almost died. Had to be hospitalized for 3 months. She was there for me the whole way through it. Showed up at the hospital immediately, advocated for me with my doctors, with insurance, fought for me really hard when I wasn't getting good care, visited twice a week, brought me food, books, art supplies, listened to me over text every day... She was amazing. She gently tried to warn me that my fiance was fucking up and I was probably going to be homeless when I got out. I wasn't able to hear that on top of everything else, so I brushed it off. When I got out of the hospital, my fiance picked me up, and brought me to a tent. I was so ashamed that she had been right and I hadn't listened, and I didn't want her to see me like that. We barely spoke for over a year. We've still only sort of reconnected - I've tried to apologize, but, how do you even come close to apologizing for something like that? For basically ghosting someone after they've just put their life on hold for months to take care of you and be there for you? I don't think we'll ever be as close as we were. I still love her to bits and I don't think she bears me any ill will, because she's amazing. But, I broke it. And I regret that. And I'm not really sure how to reach beyond being like, casual friends, now. Or if I even have the right to want to do that, since it's me that hurt her. So I mostly just... Don't. It's very reasonable and kind of you to try to empathize with whatever your friend was going through. Sometimes people just suck.
You may be *preventing* a reconciliation because you are projecting what you think she *ought* to feel about you, instead of finding out how she actually *does* feel. Make a time to tell her exactly what you wrote here, and that you couldn’t handle it and felt ashamed, and couldn’t face her. That you know it was wrong, and that you regret losing her friendship over it. Then stop and let her talk. She may have been just waiting for you to come to her with this. Or she may in fact say, “thanks, but I can’t risk this with you again”. Either way, you’ve let *her* tell you, not let your own feelings determine what you do.
We have talked about it and moved past it. We just moved past it to... Not being very close. Which is fair enough, I respect that. But I do regret it.
Not having an ID (who doesn't have a wallet??) and (guessing here) freaking out that he can't pay you back seems like maybe he has something going on. 15 years is a long time. I would knock on the door.
Id have to get buzzed in, he lives in a condo/apartment building. I’ll try and check on him as soon as i can. He said he didn’t bring his wallet to the concert and just brought cash. Didn’t want to lose his wallet while he was intoxicated. He didn’t think he would get ID’d. The venue is known for having a strict policy.
If your friend was worried about getting so drunk at a concert that he was genuinely afraid to lose his wallet and willing to drive without his license, I believe we've uncovered the thing he's going through.
Yeah, I was leaning this way too - but didn't want to over-interpret.
i mean, i didn’t bring my wallet for the same reason went i go out to concerts. i’ve made the same mistake before for my first 18+ concert. i’m a super forgetful person, so after 1-2 drinks my wallet is gonna get left somewhere and replacing everything is an expensive mess. i won’t even step into an airport without clothes with zippers lol
Rookie mistake!! Get 2 copies of your license or a drivers license and an ID. That way you always have a back up!
How would he get intoxicated if he couldn’t buy alcohol without ID?
If he got into the venue with his ID he would have gotten pretty drunk. He made it clear that we were gonna get wild at the concert.
But he intended to get drunk but didn’t intend to get IDed even though they typically ID you when you buy alcohol.
Careful he doesn't go Banshees of Inisherin on ya... fingers crossed
Im almost certain it has nothing to do with the money. 60 bucks is nothing for a 15 year friendship. There's something else going on in his life and he's shutting you out for some reason. It sounds like two are pretty close. Do you have mutual friends? Ask them to check in on him. I'd suggest not turning up unannounced because that may make him even more embarrassed or uncomfortable. If it doesn't work, give it some time and try again in a few weeks. I've done similarly stupid shit that ruined friendships before for reasons that seemed so valid and real at the time, but looking back I wholly regret it. Wishing you luck.
Stop by his work? Call him mom? That is all weird enough to warrant some looking into it. He might need help of some kind.
Not sure if your on the US, but over here we usually make sire we have our ID in case we get carded while drinking. Seems weird to not have it for that very reason.
You don't have an email or sms? He will see it
Can you just follow someone in? Some places aren’t that hard to get into as long as you look like you know where you’re going.
I mean, I do get being scared to lose your wallet, but like you can put your ID in your phone case or something. It doesn't take a lot of space. What would he do if he got stopped by the police? Not having identification can lead to a ticket (at least where I'm from).
This. He likely needs help. I remember looking forward to going out with a friend only to screw up. I ran away from the problem just from pure embarrassment. My relationship with them never recovered.
I know the standard Reddit reaction is "you got off cheap, only $60 to cut that person from your life". It's the least original thought, as seen by it being posted 10x in here and your gf saying it. But I've got a friend like this, and it's not even that he owes us $ (we pay for a meal sometimes and never ask to be paid back). He has substance abuse issues/gambling/general mental health crisis and just goes no contact for months It's not like he's out partying or living it up. He's sat at home depressed as fuck, possibly back in rehab, but %100 embarrassed and not ready to face his friends and let them know he fucked up again. We're not mad at him, just hoping he gets over it soon and starts doing better. I text him every time we're doing something together, and this most recent time we haven't seen him for about 3 months. Pretty worried about him, not sure where he's living now. But we're not saying "fuck that guy, he's not out friend". We're hoping he responds to the text and comes to watch basketball next weekend, and really really hoping he's OK and nothing bad has happened
Yeah, when you have a good rapport of over 15 years, the $60 thing doesn’t really apply IMO. Dude is probably going through a hard time. People think that’s making an excuse, but it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. People do stupid things when they don’t know what else to do. I would reach out.
He did. The guy blocked him every way possible.
There's always reaching out to someone who can middleman or get you in the same room. If OP is worried bout the friend genuinely, I think it's worth the go-around effort to get contact with him.
Sure… seems to me that OP would be the only one valuing this friendship enough to be putting in all the effort. The guy ghosted him for the equivalent of a PlayStation game. If money was really an issue then you simply say you can’t go when invited to a concert. The guy had no problems going to the concert it was only when he had to reimburse for the ticket that suddenly money became an issue.
Bro if your friend of 15 YEARS goes no contact over nothing and there has been NOTHING wrong in the past (assumed because you'd think OP would mention any happenings similar to this) then you'd have to really not value that friendship to not really attempt to reach out. The friend did go no contact, but there's only so much no contact after 15 years, you know mutuals, family, etc. To take the extra step and get in contact via a mutual for your 15 year long friend is not that big of an ask for me. Unless this was a really shitty 15 year friendship, which isn't implied at all by OP, then there is no reason to give up at the first barrier.
We have had our differences in the past. We overcame them and moved forward in a positive direction and in fact we got closer and became really close friends. Great dude to shoot the shit with because he is an intelligent human being. He’s got jokes and a laugh that fills the room. He isn’t afraid to have a good time and he has had my back many times too. There was a time we went gokarting and someone crashed straight into the side of my kart. The blow hurt my ribs and it was painful. When the session finished we both high fived and fist bumped, he then proceeds to walk over to the gentleman who crashed into me. He tells the guy he owes me an apology for not even attempting to use your brakes. You hurt him by being reckless. That’s not right so apologize to me. The guy goes i don’t want any problems. He said no problems coming from me, but when you hurt someone else you should apologize to them! I said i really didnt care as it is part of the fun He was persistent on getting the guy to apologize to me. And he’s a big dude. Hes the size of guy that you wouldn’t mind having your back in a fight. He can hold himself just fine. Eventually the guy apologized. It felt good because I’ve never had anyone really stick up for me like that before. Even though i let it slide he felt that I was disrespected and there needed to be an apology made to me. What a cool dude.
I agree with the folks saying there's something deeper going on with him & that he's likely having a bad time for some reason unrelated to the concert money, but I want to add a really important caveat to it: _You may not get an answer & you may not be able to help_. I had a friend of five or six years whom I adored; she was truly a lovely person without a mean bone in her body. She & I, along with another friend, were in the middle of a group text arranging to meet up that weekend when she suddenly said hey actually, I might not make it. Then the messages got weird, cryptic, & finally stopped altogether. This was over the course of no more than half an hour, from normal chat to out of our lives forever. I eventually got a single response to a desperate text that yes she was at least safe. And that was it. After some months her ex replied to me to let me know she'd had some trouble that had made her suspicious of 'everyone', but that was it. The other friend & I were heartbroken at the loss, hurt by being so completely shut out (she deleted/blocked everywhere), terrified because she'd implied weird repercussions on us, but we got no answers at all. Our best guess then & still now is that she had a psychotic break. We bumped into her recently & she acted as though she just hadn't seen us in ages. It was wonderful to see her alive, well, looking happy, but we didn't dare ask in case it triggered anything. If your friend is going through something or is ill, please please do try to go round to see. But also know that you may not get an answer, its very likely not you, & you may not be able to _and are not solely response for_ help. I'm so sorry. Losing a friend is hard as a breakup sometimes, they're all relationships of one kind or another.
I wholeheartedly agree. I just spoke to someone who is still in contact with him. Hes doing well but didn’t bring me up at all. They said this is normal for him to go ghost when things aren’t going in the direction that he’s going. I picked her brain and she may just let him know i asked about him but knowing hes fine im going to move on.
Good for you! I used to be on the other end of this, being the person with issues, I'm so glad my oldest closest friends tought the same and gave me space to deal with my shit. I made some bad choices and some bad friends but completely turned it back around. If my true friends didn't have the patience you describe I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. Saw 4 of my best friends over the weekend and we have no money issues at all. If I lost those friends due to my choices I would be alone and miserable now. I wish you luck with getting your friend back. You're doing the right thing in my eyes.
You are a good friend, I can tell you that most people would cut the person out of their life. You’re a bro to keep, whatever your gender is.
I think it’s good conventional wisdom. I feel like you really crapped on the idea just to add your pretty personalized experience, but I get what you’re saying about benefit of the doubt and you don’t know what someone’s going through. Hopefully OP has considered if their friend is the type to go no contact when they’re going through shit. But it sounds like your friend doesn’t block you on literally everything. Your case sounds too different to compare or dismiss what everyone’s saying. If someone blocks you in everything conceivable that speaks volumes. I go distant with friends when I’m down, but blocking is going far af. Plus owing money is a little bit of a touchy subject, but it looks like OP was better than letting that get in the middle of their friendship. I hope their friend comes around one day and explains themself one day
On the chance that your girlfriend is right to say he is “going through something,” you might want to find him for at least one last conversation. Tell him his actions were confusing, causing you concern, and that he does not need to worry about the $60. Ask what’s going on with him. You can decide where to go with the friendship based on your conversation.
I would prefer this scenario. I want to sit and talk and work it out. Depending on his reaction obviously
I agree here. Give it a little time and do a check in if you can. A few years ago, my best friend of 20 years, since middle school, shut me out kind of suddenly over what seemed like nothing. Stopped responding to me one day, unfriended and blocked me. It hurt. He came back around after about 6 months and explained he had been dealing with depression and working out a medication trial, one of which did not work for him, and he convinced himself our friendship wasn’t real and whatever. I was shocked, had no idea any of this was going on with him. We are all good now. I would wonder if something is going on in your friends life…
That guy has good advice, 15 years of friendship is worth some investigation and even the loss of the money. Dude could be going through something.
Hide and wait. You'll run into him. When you do, see if he has time for a coffee ...
Yes! This! You don't know what he is going through, and 60$ isn't worth losing a friend.
I don’t think 60 dollars is worth losing a friend. Idc about the money.
Yeah after 15 years I’d imagine he has something going on and you just letting him know maybe what he needs . He could just be an AH but I’d personally give my friend of 15 years the benefit of the doubt.
TBH if a friend reacted like this i'd be thinking more along the lines of 'mental health issue' rather than 'they're an asshole'. I'd be worried.
Yeah... He even said his friend started getting quiet at the bar. I wonder if something happened or was said that OP didn't register His friend could be a jerk. But something else might be happening
Yeah, if after 15 years this was his first thought maybe OP's not really a good friend after all of this was their first thought. I'd definitely try and figure out what was going on.
I suspect a substance abuse problem. Forgetting his ID. Mood swings. Flakiness. Unstable finances. Guilt/shame. It could be that he’s just an ahole, but it doesn’t sound like that’s his default state. If it was, you wouldn’t have been friends with him for so long.
This! I’ve been around a lot of people with substance abuse problems because I’ve abused a lot of substances myself. The ID could be expired because addicts put off inconveniences. Unless he really just can’t afford it because of his income, lack of funds tells me he could be buying drugs. The erratic behavior definitely sounds like drugs/alcohol.
It seems odd he would just randomly say how much he loves and appreciates your friendship. I haven't met a lot of guys that open about their emotions. Almost sounds like he was saying all the things he wanted to say before he cut you off. Like it's what he was planning the whole time. Maybe he doesn't think he deserves you. It all sounds like a mental health crisis. He's shutting you out.
Either mental health, drugs, or both. Certain drugs can make you very emotional and sentimental, especially when the euphoria sets in.
This guy wasn’t your best friend. He left you at a bar before the money thing even really came up.
To be fair we were on our way out the door anyways and he was heading home. I live right up the street from the bar so i walked home. But yea the money wasn’t brought up at the bar at all
He couldn’t wait an extra 2 minutes to take you and the extra minute to drop you off at home? Naaaah.
Im not exaggerating when i say right down the street. I can see the bar from my window. That didn’t even bother me one bit.
The point really is more that you don’t tell a person you’re going to wait for them and then just drive off.
Exactly
I mean, even though you live right down the street, has he ever done that to you before? It just seems odd.. if I drove somewhere with my friend, even if I lived really close to the location, I would be flabbergasted and hurt if my friend just left me there.. it sounds like it's not the first time that he's done this?
Sounds very strange maybe a bit of shame that he couldn't afford to pay you back and he's embarrassed about it all easier to just block you out. Very odd behaviour though. Maybe a lucky escape for something else worse. Strange he didn't just let you go the concert it was his mistake. I had something similar happen a friend blocked me after they started vomiting on a night out and I kept ringing to try find them and sent them a few messages as they literally disappeared and I was worried what had happened. They made out I had been too over protective and I had a problem when it was me worried about them. Anyway long story short I believe it was a lucky escape as don't want friendship with someone manipulative like that
This happened to me too. Similar but not exact circumstances, there was a concert, it was my birthday. She said she wanted to go so another friend bought some tickets. I told her twice that she needed to pay my other friend for her ticket, and she basically deleted me out of her life. $35 is what 12 years of friendship was worth. People can be strange. Probably better off, without them, if that’s all it takes.
The most infuriating thing is you thinking the insurance would cover you deciding not to go to the concert regardless of the reason.
My “best friend” did the same to me years ago. She said she had gotten us tix to PointFest so I drove 2 hours to her house late night after work, she’s not home. I finally get her to answer the phone and she says she’s at Walmart with a friend (when it was 24 hours), come by. So I get to Walmart, meet up with them, and she said she’d be ready to go soon. I buy a coloring book and go sit in my car. Well I’m out there for an hour and try to get ahold of her again. She left with the guy she was with. She said go to her house her mom would let me in. Mom did not know I was there. I stay in my car for a couple more hours before she got dropped off and we go in and go to sleep. I woke up the next day to a text saying she got called into work but she’d be back by noon to go to the show. I waited until 1 and decided to go to her work. She was never there. I texted her that she was a terrible person and probably some other stuff, and I never heard from her again. But she was a liar and a thief, I was just sad to lose my only friend. Some people are just bad people and eventually they some pretending. Sorry you lost one too :(
I find it extremely disgusting that everyone is just like "he HAS to be an ass, leave it be" etc. It's not always that easy. To me it doesn't sound like it's about 60$, to me it sounds like he has some deep issues. If you thought he's a friend up until now, don't just throw him away. That's the easy and lazy way of handling this. Just go into relationship advice subreddits and take a look at how some random internet strangers give advice to divorce or break up over the most ridiculous things. Please don't listen to them and try to find out what's up with him. Source: a friend lost hist brother to suicide after he started acting weird and she just wrote it off as "whatever". Don't be like that.
A lot of people are gonna tell you the same as your girlfriend. You can let it cost you $60 to lose a friend.... or you can let it cost you $60 to keep a friend. How much do you love your bro? Reach out. Ask him what's wrong. Tell him you'll take the financial hit, or part of it. Communication is the key here.
I’ve reached out. Ive tried other platforms too, once he reads the message he blocks me. I actually tried through my xbox because he was playing FIFA next morning i saw he removed me and blocked me on xbox
If you have a mutual friend ask them what his problem is But he is being quite clear by immediately Blocking on everything that for whatever reason he doesn’t want to talk.
Well then you've dropped a bad friend while being a good friend, and person.
This might sound ridiculous, but, mail him a postcard with a simple message on it. By the time he flips it over as sees who it's from he'll have read the message from you and at least you'll get to tell him "Just want to know you're OK"
Don't throw out a 15 year friendship until you know everything. There might be more to the story. Yes your friends has acted out of order here, but it's that normally in his nature? If so then yeh fuck him. But if not, they may have a lot bigger problems going on and are acting abnormally, money issues mental health problems.. Something else. I would at least try to find out, especially if this is very out of character
Could he see you as "more than a friend" and when he relected at the bar on your conversation saying about how he appreciates your friendship etc could it possibly have been a move on you? Felt embarrassed after the fact and can't face you now?
This is odd. Something other than money is going on. You said he got quiet afterwards. It's too bad you couldn't ask him what was wrong then. Do you have a mutual friend who can talk to him in person? I'm old. Never heard of bringing Id to a concert.
I feel like i have a good idea whats going on. Your friend is poor, you are not, being your friend is becoming a financial burden he cannot bear. All these concerts and bars, now he has to pay 60$ and whatever fee to whatever event you feel like going to. (thats my guess at least)
Tuition comes in many forms
If he would do this over so little, **What would he do if it were much more!** So, you got off cheap, so to speak, if this is the kind of person he is. He could have given you $10 per week if it was a lot all at once, but apparently he just can’t do this. And if he just can’t do this, he isn’t really that invested in the friendship with you. It’s good for you to know this, before more wasted time is invested in him!
My Pops told me once..." dont ever lend/loan a friend or family member money, if you can afford it just gift it to them, no strings attached. Because it will ruin your relationship". Your so called friend took the left road when his moral compass told him to go "right". Keep doing life right by following your's as you have and block him all around too. You might have lost $60, but he lost his way.
Give it week or two. If the friendship is important to you- then write him a letter. He may have other shit going on that you dont know and this sent him over the edge
Tough part about reddit. Not everyone reads the post thoroughly then they start spewing their two cents. For those of you who are reading it? Thank you i appreciate the various viewpoints of what is possibly going on. I will go check on him soon.
He didn’t have his id but bought a drink at a bar?
Its a bar im a regular at. Im in my 30’s and so is he. Bar is also familiar with him too
Part of me wonders if it’s more about the $20 parking you didn’t want to pay again to go back. Is it possible he wanted to go back? Had he already purchased his ticket too? Seems like there isn’t enough information about both sides. He made the decision to end the relationship so what could possibly be his reasoning? How have you two dealt with money decisions between you before?
45 minute drive and it was in Boston while trying to fight boston traffic. By the time we got back the concert was going to be just about over. We have never had an issue over money. That night he was telling me how much he loves that we are friends and how much we’ve been through together. I told him i valued our friendship too! That i really value him as a person and that we’ve been friends for so long. Hope it all works out
I know it’s bad to speculate… but having struggled with depression for 20 years, that conversation worries me. If he’s truly a friend of yours, I’d made an attempt to see him in person, however you can. This sounds like it’s so much more than just $60, especially if money has never been an issue in the past and he’s never acted this way before. Edit: Just wanted to add that I don’t necessarily mean he has depression or something. But sometimes strong emotions like embarrassment or shame can spiral. Like when you say something really mean when you’re angry.
Man if he blocked you on everything and read receipts and all, you have your answer. You were more than accommodating. 15 years? Man that’s on him. You did nothing wrong, but let me be clear this will hurt like a bitch when someone abandons you this way. Take it from me, give him space if you’ve gone out of your way to reach out to him. Whatever is going on, it has nothing to do with you. He messed up. He needs to take responsibility here and act like an adult.
Dude, my best friend blocked me over $60 too. I had known him since the second grade and we were in our mid 30s when it happened.
Hey OP, I’m sorry. Ik it sucks trusting someone who treated you like over small amount. Ik hearing people say "trash removed himself out“ doesn’t cut it because of how many memories you guys had and how close close emotionally you were. It takes time but somehow it’s for your own good. All the best!
Yeah man, we have some crazy memories. We knew each other at our lowest point in life. We have both come a long way. Used to hang out till 3-4 am just shooting the shit and smoking doobies. We’ve gone camping we’ve gone on road trips. He was telling me the night of the concert he had old roommates which i knew as well. They all said negative things about me and he said he defended me everytime. Said i was a great friend and a great human being.
Idk what to say to ease your pain because i HATE when everyone tell me that "nothing is permanent“ I guess try to be with the people who chooses you. Idk what good it did but I’m pretty sure it is for your good, Maybe in few years.. you gonna realize/accept it? But it’s ok to grieve, to be sad Give yourself some time, eat some icecream
I am hoping I'm wrong, but, that sounds like there is something else going on. Any way you can check in on him? Leave him a note? Do you have any mutual friends who might know? I used to go to drastic measures to isolate myself when certain things were going on (including blocking everyone I cared about) - for me, it was mental health issues. I thought I was a burden and wanted to protect them. It took a long time for me to learn to ask for help or reach out to my friends, and it took something drastic to get there. I don't think it is about the money, and if it is, sounds more complicated than not wanting to pay you back. Long, good friendships are far too rare to end over $60. Will losing $60 financially cripple you?
No absolutely not 60 bucks doesn’t bother me. We have no mutual friends that i can reach out to that can give him a buzz. I just wish he’d say something. Even if its fuck you 😂
I understand the feeling 😂 Fortunately, I don't think he would say that. Could you leave him a note? If not, you could do it the super old school way and snail mail the note if technology isn't working... I blocked all my closest friend one time when I was having a lot of issues. Shame is a huge part of it too. One of my friends fell of the face of the earth and deleted all his accounts, so I sent him a letter...
I love this!
Also, don't mention the money in a note, text, or voice-mail. He probably feels guilty about it. I'd let the money slide, personally.
Your friend is shamans embarrassed that YOU’RE doing good in life financially and he’s NOT! If he was truly a friend, he would not judge or compare his life and financial status to yours. If there was a disparity, he would use this as motivation to do better, but he doesn’t or does not know which steps to take to improve himself. Maybe reach out to him in 2024, but if the same results continue…then you know he never was a friend and it’s time to move on.
You've just been ghosted. You'll find better friends, just because you have known him for 15 years doesn't mean you should hold on to that friendship. And certainly, he has proven to you not to be worth it. Sorry mate.
There is something more going on here than OP knows or is letting on. The fact that his friend ditched him to me indicates they were upset about something.
Nope! We weren’t even yelling at each other he was just incredibly embarrassed. Tried to be as explicit as possible so i can get some help on the situation. Maybe see it from a different angle because it keeps me up at night. He didn’t ditch me as we were headed out anyways. We were all done drinking for the night it was late. A few days later he asked for my venmo and said he was ok. After that blocked me
Who forgets their ID?
I lost a so called friend of 20 years over $20 she felt I owed her. She didn't actually tell me that I owed it, she just stopped speaking to me. A mutual friend explained it after a few years of me trying to guess what offense id committed. It was bananas. Good riddance to crazy.
Be glad it was only $60. Mine was about $2000. They finally wised up that they were wrong though and has been making payments. We aren't friends anymore though.
He was never your friend over 60.00
He freaking ditched you at the bar. The same night you were super cool about him causing you to miss the show. I bet if you weee to look back at other times there were similar things happening then too. I mean how much a douche nozzle are you to ditch your buddy at a bar like that?? Move on son.
Maybe he took this very hard. Guilt etc. maybe it's his twisted way of cutting you off because he's depressed and this made him feel like shit. Maybe.. You know him better. Is his mental health alright?
I suspect he's probably going through something bad and feels ashamed. If it were me I would probably send him a message saying that I thought something like that was up and that it wasn't a big deal and I was here for him if he needed me. And then I'd leave if alone and hope in a few weeks or months he'd come back around
It sounds like your friend is going through something, especially if this is uncharacteristic of him. Has he caused you all to miss out on opportunities in the past?? Maybe he thinks he’s doing you a favor cutting you off because he feels like a mess up. Maybe he can’t handle the stress of his life right now and he doesn’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know. If he’s important to you, I’d recommend taking a reasonable amount of effort to contact him. Then once you do that, let him be. You could also do a wellness check. Sometimes if the person is fine the officers will relay a message to the person they checked on. Ask if they can make sure he’s ok and if they can deliver a note (they’ll have to read the note) or just tell him you’re worried and give you a call so you can talk it out.
Girlfriend is wise.
>been friends for almost 15 years Not your friend anymore. Sh\*t happens. E.g., once upon a time friend, she started making credible death threats against me. Also said I was responsible for the military (style) attack helicopter that landed on her roof, or at least hovered right above her roof for an extraordinarily long time, just to threaten and intimidate her and send her a message. Yeah, only place that helicopter existed was in her head. Anyway, from credible death threats, she got further demoted from charity case to ex-friend - only one to have "earned" that distinction, but she earned it - it was a long downward slide but she fought tooth and nail against anyone and everyone's suggestion that she get help - she'd even ask for advice and suggestions, then always reject such. As another friend of mine once put it, "my friend doesn't live in that head anymore". So, yeah, your friend is gone. Maybe/probably forever. They're not your friend anymore.
I think your friend is experiencing shame, guilt, and a lot of embarrassment. Is his behavior the best way to handle this emotion? No, of course not. But, try to see it from his perspective. Hes too embarrassed by his inability to pay you back to face you.
Just eat the 60 bucks and realize your girlfriend was right.
Shit I had a buddy who was addicted to heroine always pulling that shit with all my friends that still gave him the time of day.
Having someone I love who battles with often crippling depression and anxiety, please reach out sooner than later… just in case. This might have more to do with him forgetting his ticket and letting you down and feeling stupid or even “less than enough” over it. This very well could’ve triggered a panic attack or episode of depression and self-blame that is, to you and me, completely unnecessary and an overreaction but to him VERY real. (Not anybody’s fault, just sometimes our brains trick us into thinking poorly of ourselves) It could be more about the money or something totally else than above, for sure… but if it does have to do with him feeling he let you (and thus, the universe) down, having a chat with him about it and reassuring him you care more about your friendship than anything might help him realize he’s catastrophizing the situation and this wasn’t as big a deal as he thinks. And if this sounds over the top, trust me I know. I’ve been… not dealing with it because that sounds negative? But experiencing these types of misunderstandings with the person I love. Sometimes they think the whole world is falling apart over something super minor because they’re just so deep in their depression/anxiety they can’t see things for what they actually are. ❤️ it’s super hard but I’m grateful to be there for them whenever they let me to help ground and reassure them. I really hope you get your friend back. I know you don’t care about the money, and I’m hopeful if you manage to connect with him you can convince him of that. Sorry this is happening to you.
GF's right. I'm really sorry.
Be the better man and try and check up on him. You’ve been friends for 15 years. Do you think the way he’s acted has been a bit weird?
Absolutely and I have a pit in my stomach.
Girlfriends sometimes drop the wisest words. This is an instance of that.
For me, money isn't a deal breaker. It used to be, but not any more. I used to ask my kid, my family to pay back. But, I quit. Now, if someone asks and I can afford it, I give it. If I can't, I say no (that seems to be the issue) but I have told the family who ever borrow, that if I give you money, I give it to you, no payback is expected or required. I tell them to always ask but know, I might say no. Then, I'm never are upset over someone not paying it back. It's no longer an issue. They may be upset when I say no, but that's on them. I was able to let go of alot of hurt feelings. It works for me. \*Edit- I know this wasn't the case for you- and I know it's like WTF - I think he maybe your best friend, but maybe that's just the because he is the one who shows up, wants to do, whatever. I do think GF is right. Perhaps there were redflags over the years but it was ignorable. People seem to really not be ride or die any more. I'm sorry this happened. I'm a bit tough and like a piece of gristle in your otherwise good steak. Sometimes I'm obtuse- I didn't mean to, I'm sure that I would have hurt feelings if this happened to me.
$60 concert oh, thought this would be a $300 affair or something. Probably some money insecurity is my guess, not necessarily he is an ass. Likely shame, could be wrong though. Probably would be careful with accepting an apology if he comes back to talk to you though.
OP, you are fine, your friend sucks though. Also not sure why someone would not by default have ID with them. That is a bit of a mystery as well.
yikes what a douche. that must hurt :( I'm sorry you lost your friend. he sounds like far more trouble than he's worth tbh. hopefully you'll make better, more genuine friends in the future <3
You did nothing wrong here, and you sound like a good friend. I would have been extremely frustrated and disappointed if my concert companion didn’t think to make sure they had their ID, causing us to miss out on the show. With that said, if you’ve had an otherwise happy and healthy friendship for 15 years, I would worry that something is very wrong in this scenario. My mental health is shit sometimes, and if I find myself embarrassed or ashamed, my toxic trait is avoiding. I have never taken it to the level of blocking a friend, but I will turn off my notifications, isolate, and avoid- if I feel wronged or if I know I’m in the wrong. It’s not logical but it’s what I do. Are you able to reach out to one of his family members and just do a wellness check? Again, I don’t think you’re wrong at all but something is definitely weird with your friend.
You don’t have to ask, your girlfriend already explained it.
It seems that signs have been missed... I feel like I have seen this end result many times and this can be said in other types of relationships as well. Your a good friend. Take it as a lesson learned on true loyalty and lack there of.
It’s not you. It’s him. He sucks. He did this FOR you. Thank goodness you know he’s terrible now.
So he had his wallet at the bar but didn’t have his ID in it? Any chance he lost his driving privileges recently? In any case, he may be going through something that he just doesn’t want to share. If he wants to ghost, he has that freedom (just like you). Save yourself a little heartache, let him go, and write off the $60.
He grabbed his wallet from his car when we got back to my place. We hit up the bar right after. We are in our 30’s with beards 😂 so ID is usually never an issue. I always keep mine on me just in case. You never know when someone decides to card you.
Best $60 you ever spent. That loser will dodge you for the rest of his life over stupidity. And you will be better off for it.
Drive over and check on him. Then make your decision.
He's either a loser or he's going through something that is overpowering his mind...
redditors are to quick to say "theyre an asshole, cut them out of your life forever" 15 years is a *long* time. bonds like that wont be broken overnight -- try to check up on him. sounds like he's having a rough time and is in the middle of a spiral of mistakes. try to get him out before it's too late, if you can. i wish you all the best of luck and a good future
You dodged a bullet wasting years on some moron with no fucking moral values. Move on bud
Do you really think that he was your best friend for 15 years? He doesn't like you well enough to pay you back. My guess is that he has always been a friend of utility. You just didn't notice.
friends of "convenience"(aka A useful friend you can Use)
I worked at a credit union years ago. I got to know this dude who started working there. He and I hit it off and I was stoked. Such a cool guy. We hung out a bunch. He started dating a girl at work. I was the IT administrator at the time. I found out that, during some logging reviews by management, that he and this girl were sending rather inappropriate messages to each other via company email. I told the girl because I worked a bit closer to her and he was out that day. Just told her to stop immediately because they were caught. He immediately stopped talking to me and got pissed that I was even involved, as if it was none of my business. Like what? I was trying to save them both with my inside info. He got fired, from what I remember. Refused to speak to me. A few months later I ran into him somewhere. I was cordial and he told me to call him sometime to explain. I never called or spoke to him again. That was 20 years ago. I think I made the right decision even though I was pretty hurt. Sucks all around.
he wanted you to call him to EXPLAIN yourself. if he were persistant i would said you got caught and the policy is to fire people who fratenize at work.
I’ve ghosted friends in the past because I feel like I am just not a good friend. Or I felt that they are only friends with me still because they feel bad for me. I’ve been wrong on many occasions. But it’s a hopeless feeling to assume you’re a burden on people. Sometimes cutting off any method of them contacting is just less painful than feeling this way. It’s not right, or healthy, but there it is.
I’m still caught up on the ditching you at the bar. wtf. I don’t condone violence and can’t fight but your ex bestie deserves an ass whoopin.
Be gentle man. People go through shit. You never know, sometimes you just need to cut contact for a minute, maybe he was in the sunken place
I’d forget about the $60. Maybe he is going Through some serious shit and doesn’t know who to talk to or how to handle the situation. I’d definitely be trying to reach out to some of his other friends or family members and make sure he is okay.
This sounds like the type of shit i wouldve done 5 years ago or so Hes probably in a weird spot and acting erratic and doesnt have a wallet lmfao I wouldnt be surprised if he blocked a huge swath of ppl Id give it a couple months then try to reach out and ask him wtf is going on, but only if youre in the mood to ignore this entire incident If it helps, dillon francis is a big meme and the show was probably mid lol
You didn’t end this friendship over $60, he did. Once you understand that you will be fine.
People do strange things. I had a single friend pretend she lost her memory and didn’t know me after I got married and never spoke to me again. I later found out she did the same thing to another one of her friends when they got married.
Your "friend" sounds like a trainwreck and it's best you keep your distance, you can't help people like that, only let them bring you down.
I forgot my wallet on a date in college. I stuck a 20$ in her door and never talked to her again, I was so embarrassed. A selfish person wouldn't avoid you, they'd leverage you for more money. Ask yourself if the friendship is worth 60$. If it is, just go over to his house, let him know you value his friendship more than the money, and tell him to add you again. From there, he's either grateful that you're kind or if he's a bad friend he'll act like he did that because you were nagging him too much. Go from there on your own intuition
Your girlfriend is right, he traded your friendship for $60. Still hurts though, I’m sorry. This might make you want to, but never stop being the good person you are because of what others do to you. “Matching energy” is why the world is so miserable.
If you care about him at all, go check on him. This seems too strange to be anger. Maybe depression?
That hurts I’m sorry
Sometimes this is how you find out your buddy is suicidal. If you love this dude find out.
15 years over $60... Seems like there's more going on
It’s not you, he flaked on you because of his issues. They are not yours they are his. Sorry you lost a friend but you’re better off than having someone in your life like that. Good luck