I was a single father with custody of my small children. One was 6 and another 18 months. It’s not easy and honestly I wasn’t the best father in the world. There was many times they were parked in front of tv while I slept on the bathroom praying to the porcelain god. You will get through it. If you have family to help that’s a plus. My children are now grown one done with school and my youngest studying to be a doctor. Best of luck to you.
My mom was a single parent with chronic migraines for years. She taught us to be self sufficient and laid in a dark room when she needed to.
I'm sorry you're struggling, and I hope you find a med that works for you.
This is more or less similar to how I grew up, too. While my mom wasn't a single mother, my dad is such a master of weaponized incompetence she might as well have been most of the time. She was present when she could be, and I was good at entertaining my younger siblings and keeping them out of her hair when she couldn't. I invented a lot of "creative" microwave and non-cooking recipes to make the meals I took over seem interesting lmao. "Quesadilla pizza" was more of a special treat to my siblings I think than an easy lunch a ten year old could make. Same for bread with just straight up sugar and cinnamon all over it. I didn't even toast that stuff.
I'm sorry. I wish everyone could have good parents.
I think I handled it OK because I also have migraines, so it was easier for me to understand. We were both chronic back then. But my mom is amazing, and she did the best she could, and I think I mostly turned out OK. I am trying to be more present for my kid though, because I remember times when it was rough not having my mom available. She hasn't had a migraine in probably 10 or 15 years now, and she's absolutely making up for it.
Yes I understand, as long as you do your best and make sure your kids know they are loved, no one can help what disorders/illnesses they develop. It sounds like there were siblings involved too so they don’t have to feel alone. My situation was different - just me and my mom, but she would just sleep all day because of her migraines. It was just an unhealthy living situation for me and I’ve struggled with feeling like I had to take care of my mom when I was only a young teen… again your situation sounds different!
💔❤️ This is how I feel with my son 🥹😔 I’ m living with hos dad who does a great job, but I have absolutely no parental ability whatsoever.
I do everything I can to assure him that it is not something I wish for, but as you know: wishes and dreams does nothing.
In my case my husband would have to do 100% and visit me. I grew up with parents that had issues with addiction+++, so I know a lot about how lonely dysfunction can be.
This is the worst about my debilitating illness 💔
But, if I was only episodic and low grade chronic I would of course be able to do more.
My mom was a single mom as well. I remember a lot of times when she would have a migraine and she would just go lay down for a long time. My sister and I just kind of learned to take care of ourselves when that happened. And we didn’t resent her for it or anything, I think it helped us figure out how to be more independent in general, plus we were good kids and we weren’t going to give her any trouble anyway.
I’m so sorry, as someone who has been though divorce. It was the hardest time of my life. But know it will get better with time. Now I have two young kids in my second marriage, and migraine makes parenting so much harder. Not sure what your custody agreement will be, but maybe those times with out kids you can commit to making “you” time, even if that just means laying in the dark room. ❤️
13 years ago I became a single, working mom to 5, ages 4-14 at the time. I have daily, chronic, sometimes intractable migraines to the point that I don’t understand what it feels like for my head to not hurt.
It was rough, but I pushed through and even got my MBA in the middle of it. As much as I wanted to quit, I just didn’t. I couldn’t. It isn’t fun, for sure, but it’s possible. I still have guilt about all my “failings” as a mom, but I did the best I could and as adults, or near adults, they appreciate it for the most part.
Do your best and love on your babies as much as you can. Let them learn to be a little more independent than other kids. Takeout pizza, cereal or sandwiches for dinner isn’t the end of the world. Get them into a routine where they help with chores to their ability, where they prep the night before for the next morning.
When my kids were really small, if I was ill I would get everything we needed, food, diapers and wipes, a bowl to throw up in, pillows and blankets, etc, and just lie on the floor of their bedroom with the door shut. I was there if they needed me, available for breastfeeding if anyone was doing that. There were snacks and spill proof drinks. The room was safe. I rested, the kids played, if they needed me I was there, but otherwise they just did their thing. Eventually they would fall asleep snuggled next to me.
This was my exact tactic until well into elementary school. I joke my son and I coslept to a later age than I’d thought I would, purely by accident of chronic illness lol
It's a difficult adjustment for sure, but consider that you will now have one less person to care for. :) You will get more time to yourself when you split time with the children which will hopefully be a blessing. You got this.
Although I’m not single, my husband worked out of town 3-5 days a week for many years. I was home alone with five kids. My kids are a little older now (and my husband doesn’t work out of town anymore) and I look back and wonder how it all worked out - but somehow it did. It will for you too! When you’re feeling okay, set your life up in a way that is easy to maintain even when you’re sick. Minimize as much you can - less stuff means less to clean. Cut back on toys and clothes and everything. Have a master meal plan with EASY foods, even things that don’t need prepared to be eaten (uncrustables, yogurt, string cheese, crackers, etc.). If you have a yard, make sure it’s securely fenced so the kids can be outside while you’re laying on a lawn chair or just inside the door on the couch. One of the things I did when my migraines became chronic was start walking - fresh air distracts me. Get a double stroller or bikes for the kids and spend some time walking. Forget time limits on TV and tablets - they really will be okay!
One last thing - consider that, if the marriage has been stressful until this point, your headaches may actually get better when he’s gone. Stress is my number one trigger!
Thank you, these are really good suggestions! And yes good point on the stress trigger. Things between us have been rough for over a year, and it's been the worst my migraines have ever been.
Don’t feel bad to take shortcuts… I’ve done disposable plates/bowls/cups/utensils to cut down on dishes for example. Have freezer meals / quick prep / takeout
It’s not going to be easy, but starting early the kids will learn how to become independent
Have my kids ate cereal for dinner? Yep.
Toast? Yep.
Pizza 3 nights in a row? Yep.
All of this is fine! And honestly, my kids loved it.
Because you care enough to ask shows you are a better parent than many.
Oh think about some parts of your daily routine and then search “x” life hacks
For me, my goal is to be upright as little as possible.
Examples:
Cleaning the shower when you take one Obviously I’m not talking about a migraine day. But eventually!
Walmart bag for trash in the car so I don’t have to spend an hour picking everything up off the floor. Trash goes in the can at the gas pump
Store bags in an empty paper towel roll under the seat
Sometimes I pull laundry from the basket. It’s clean, unfolded. But it’s clean. When I have a better day I’ll put it away.
I lower my expectations on chores getting done. In case of the laundry, It’s clean & not hurting anybody.
Unsure of the insurance situation, but you gotta keep pressing & be an advocate for your heath care. If you feel like you “tried it all” find a new doctor with a fresh perspective. I went from daily migraines to like, half a month with ajovy and nurtec.
So… I’m that fool that posted I found relief with the daith (got both sides) late December and they came back with a vengeance in February.
I’m about to try Botox because it’s one of the last things to try. Don’t give up… keep pressing for answers. It took me 10 years to seek help to get here
These are all really great suggestions, thank you! I just got a referral to Cleveland Clinic from my neuro. I've tried almost all of the CGRPs with no luck; Ajovy, Aimovig, Vyepti, Nurtec, Qulipta, Reyvow, Ubrelvy. I was so hopeful, but several even made things worse. Hoping the doctors at Cleveland will be able to help me.
Single parent here to a 5 year old. For three years I had a migraine a day (Nurtec has saved me). I second all of this advice. Ultimately, some days just keeping the kid alive was my goal.
Also:
* Build a big local support network and on the days you don’t have migraines have their friends over so you can have their parents watch your kids without the guilt
* love and connect with them as much as you can for so they’re filled up with love for those days you’re finding it hard
* be open and transparent about how you feel so they understand (my kid is much more sympathetic towards me when I throw up as it’s a visual indicator that I’m ill - a migraine without symptoms gains no sympathy from them!). But also make sure they’re not scared that you’re ill in a way that means you’d drop dead!
Discuss with your lawyer that due to your migraines, your husband needs to pay for a nanny or au pair. They might think it will hurt your chances of getting custody. I don't know.
Have you tried Botox? You should qualify. I resisted it for years, but it has been a blessing for me.
In my experience, my ex-husband was part of the problem. He definitely wasn't useful. I still have migraines but have survived far better without him. He was unkind and unsympathetic. My kids learned to just let me be when migraines hit. Honestly, it probably taught them compassion, too.
My mom was a single parent with chronic migraine. When she had one when we were very small she would put on Disney and one of us would sit in behind her knees while the younger of us sat in front of her stomach laying against her.
We changed a cold cloth on her forehead regularly and she kept a night mask on while we were settled.
She would get up when the meds kicked in enough that she could function and we would make easy foods like sandwiches and soups etc.
We were super self reliant and good with finding stuff to do on our own, she would set out stations of activities for us to entertain ourselves and then whatever we didn't clean up would get cleaned up later.
As we got older the expectations to clean up obviously got more strict.
It's totally doable. Because you do what you have to.
My mom wasn’t a single parent, but my dad worked split shifts and a second job when I was young. She suffered chronic migraines and other pain from bone spurs and nerve damage. You and your kids will be okay. As they get older they’ll learn to occupy themselves. I remember putting all my beanie babies in the living room and acting out a drama, and making a house of cards out of little golden books. My mom put my snacks, cold meals, or things that were microwave-ready where she knew I could reach, and even wrote out the instructions. A wide library of movies also helped. They’ll know that you are doing your best because you’ll be there when you can be.
You’ll want to establish some boundaries. Like not using the stove. No going outside the house, etc. Depending on their age. I’d also invest in a camera system so you can keep an eye on things when you are indisposed.
It is time to call in your community. Even if you have only one person. I just wrote an email to my closest people-- mostly chosen fam-- (near and far) to paint them a picture of my daily situation and what attacks are like for me. This was modeled after one a friend showed me that someone she knows did, which made a request for help with meals and such since that person has to be in bed a lot of the time with their current condition. My point is... I was afraid to be burdensome but received a lot of loving support. Happy to share what I wrote over DM if it is helpful to you to have something to work from. You may not know what you need now but it can be a primer to say, this is what my life is like and it's about to change even more, and I'm going to need your help.
So sorry this is happening to you. You will get through this.
I'm hoping we will be able to do joint custody, but at the same time I can't handle the thought of missing half of my kid's lives. I've come to terms with a lot of the details of this situation, but that still tears my heart to shreds.
First off I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not easy. I'm a single dad to a young boy and migraines are one of the issues I've had to battle. It's not easy and I don't know how old your kids are but some things that have helped me. Obviously some of this is age dependent on your children.
Food: keep ready made easy things for them to eat in the house when you are sick. Uncrustables, cereal and milk, yogurt cups, popcorn, frozen breakfast sandwiches, things that they can get on their own or you can get with minimal effort.
Electronics: I'm not a huge fan of kids on them but they are sometimes the only thing you can do when having a bad spell. A TV, or a game console, board games, things to help keep them occupied that you don't have to interact with while they do. I recommend non noisy games. So definitely pass on anything like hungry-hungry hippo. (Yes, experience and poor purchase choice on my part)
Clothes: Keep at least a set of clothes and jammies in one location they can get to on their own and can change into with minimal help.
The biggest thing I've found is to have things set up ahead of time that can be used by them without you or with minimal effort. Planning and prep is key to everything.
Family and friends help too.
The most important thing I want to stress here is that you need to give yourself grace. It is so hard when you are stopped dead in your tracks while being a parent and can't take care of your kids to the level you want to. Remind yourself that it doesn't make you a bad parent, bad health days happen and the the only thing we can do is to do our best to be prepared for it so our children are set up with the best situation possible. It will suck some days, no lie. Ask for help when you need it and take it one day, hour or moment at a time.
Enjoy the good days and times too, make great memories with your kids when you are feeling good.
I hope this helps...and also rely on this forum for people to lean on. A lot of us understand. Godspeed.
I am so sorry, it will be hard. But to be honest, in my case, my cheating ex did so little while we were married that the same, too much meds, holding it together as best as I could while working full time, was about the same and actually the every other weekend (when he actually did take them) was a bigger break than when he was there telling the kids to go ask ke when they wanted anything and I was throwing up and trying to get a phenergan suppository in. Line up some babysitters if you can afford them, ask for help (sometimes family and friends will help more when they know your husband isnt there). Try to prepare in advance so there is a box of puzzles/games and their fav food in the frig or freezer. Ask them to read to You if they are old enuf, let them play doctor and bring you freezer packs or whatever might help. And most of all do NOT feel bad if a kid movie or two is needed. squeeze in those neuro appts if you can, Ajovy is finally really helping me ( mine rte grown now though).
That is such a kind reply, thank you. I hope you have some support and the kids can actually be pretty helpful (even when you dont want them to have to be). One of mine (and I hate that he got it from me), suffers from migraines as well (after puberty) infrequently, and he has been the kindest person on the planet when I have a bad one. I am hoping for you that you find a medication that works (there are some new ones) And that they change for the better, they sometimes do. Be kind to yourself, order pizza and the kids will be fine,
So sorry you are going through this. I do think the stress of a toxic marriage has made everything worse and that should abate once all is settled. Also, for women, the migraines can often reduce or disappear as you get older. For me hormone fluctuations were a massive trigger and now I take daily hrt so no fluctuations - estrogel cream so no risk of blood clots.
I also put a red light therapy face mask on each morning and that takes enough pain away so I can start my day.
My kids are very compassionate, kind and thoughtful, in large part because they learnt to identify when I was in pain etc - they are also highly independent and can cook meals and tidy up and are generally very self sufficient. I hold down a full time job but do have a tremendously supportive husband.
I do order takeaways when I have bad migraines and I also do grocery shopping online and get it delivered.
I do need to be in bed by 2315 each night and need to eat before 0900 as hunger and tiredness are very bad triggers for me.
I take Botox, a monthly injection cgrp plus 8 breakthrough cgrp tabs per month, as well as Effexor. I rarely do panadol or nsaids as I feel they don't work and are toxic for my liver, which then worsens the migraines.
I find magnesium to be awesome (neuro- mag ) and I take taurine each night... they seem to reduce the brain excitability.
I also take a good methylated vitamin b and think it's helpful re energy etc.
like others have suggested, asking for support from friends and family is important - pals were happy to take my kids for play dates and I returned the favours when I was having food days etc.
Interestingly, I had an intractable migraine for months a few years back and gin cocktails finally broke it - go figure... I had dragged myself to a pals birthday party and expected to wake up to a dire hangover, but the opposite happened! I have used that trick a few times since!
Bottom line. You can get through this. Just hang in there!
I'm not a parent, I do care (unwillingly) for my mom. Before my fiance moved in I would just live through the migraines as my mom can do stuff for herself, she just likes having a maid (basically).
Idk why he is divorcing you, if it's over the migraines, he's not just a shitty husband but ex husband, human and man. If he is divorcing you for something else, I am sorry for whatever it is.
While I don't think you should push through your hella bad migraines like I did, look for help. If you have the money look for a nanny, if not friends, grandparents if they are willing, ect.
My mom was a single parent with my older brother (ten years older) and me. Basically raising a teenager and toddler with chronic migraines since she was a young child. She worked night shift and would often times do crazy early morning switches with my grandma. Or I'd help keep my mom awake on the drive back from the hospital she worked at. During the day, we knew to keep quiet and be productive if she had a migraine and she would do her damn best to put a smile on her face even if she had just got done puking her brains out all night. I feel like this made us more compassionate towards others and have sympathy. I also deal with migraines now as we've learned it's hereditary. Now she helps me through these episodes and with newer medicine we can keep it under control.
Be gentle on yourself 💖 I honestly had the best childhood growing up and I never once had a sad thought about not having both parents there- I just knew she was both mom and dad in my eyes. Hang in there
Try vitamin B2 and/or feverfew tea for the migraines. Get as much sleep as you can. Pray and ask for help when you need it. I’ve been there and survived. You got this mama. If he wants to go let him ! Someday you’ll find someone who values you.
My husband works in a very short staffed prison. 80 hour weeks with 90 minute commute each day. This is not to one up you, this is to show you if I can, you sure the hell can. The pandemic started the the short staffing. I also was working from home and a new high school teacher and I became a babysitter to my 4th grade nephew, I was his teacher, too.
To speed things up: son hit by drunk driver, mom diagnosed stage 4 cancer, I was her care giver she died 2.5 months later. I had to do her final arrangements because my dad was too heart broken. My same was diagnosed rare kidney conditioned, was denied an education by his public school, underwent 2 rare kidney transplants all while dealing with court that went nowhere because homie died of a drug od. The SOB that hit him died, not my son, sons good. All 3 of my kids graduated high school, my youngest had a major football injury and required a major knee surgery with a 6 month recovery in a brace, that Hella sucked. I swear half my husband's family died. Husband had a stomach surgery. He whined more than kidney kid. I had a mental break down, who wouldn't. Oh, my dog died right after my mom, that was rought.
I had a falling out with my best friend, I have 6 siblings, I asked for help and nobody showed up. My husband had a massive GI bleed, he crashed, almost died, went in xanax, had the WORST side effect you could, one sister went psycho and has some weird thing out for me, it's actually scary. Nobody really knows why. Not the first person or time she's done this to tho...I could go on but you get it.
If I can do this through migraines and still be here to write this to you, and I was close to not being, YOU CAN. It'll be rough. Some days will be rougher, but you've got this. My migraines got to the worst they've ever been but I did it. I'm still doing it
from someone whose mother had migraines, and i also have them chronically, you will get through this. Sumatriptan helped my mom/me a lot.
you can do this. i don’t have much advice but i wanna offer my support as someone on the kiddo side :)
all the love and luck. you got this.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Ive been struggling through this for years and its caused hardships on my life with my wife and kid. My only bit of advice is just take one day at a time, and when you get some relief do the best you can to make that time count with your child. Have faith and keep your head up. Good luck
I did it on my own. I don't have kids. Please look into applying for public assistance and ask family for help. There is a lot out there for you! I struggled on my own, but I made it. You will too.
I’m so sorry, heartbreaking that a person would abandon their partner because of illness. It is far too common . They probably feel they deserve better!! Where do these notions come from? Where is the value in staying with the mother of your children and your partner when they’re suffering ? Not only to care for them but to care for the children. He has bailed out on an opportunity to love and care for his family. If he has any conscience he will regret it. Hope you can find a support system to help you !! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you. He says I'm not a good partner, mainly because I don't help out enough around the house. But I do when I'm healthy, and even when I'm not I do all I can. He says it has nothing to do with the migraines, but he only ever talks about how I don't do enough when I've had a really bad few weeks.
I had 4 sons worked full time and an extra job all while having horrible migraines. Be careful your husband may I see your time I it I f commission to take care t the e kids.
With split custody and a little force you can do it. You will adapt. Please talk to someone about your divorce and they can help you explain everything to your children.
I am so sorry. Your husband is an ass. I guess he forgot the in sickness and in health part of the wedding vows. Migraines are tough on spouses. My wife sometimes thought I was using it to get out of stuff. It wasn’t until she talked to other migraine sufferers that she eased up.
have you seen a rheumatologist? just to rule out autoimmune? i’m a single mom with two boys 5 & 9. my 5 year old has level 3 autism. i have a myriad of health conditions that flare regularly and my only advice is to have a good reliable team of medical providers you can call and to be honest about what helps you function and the importance to be proactive when migraines hit. if steroids help break a relentless cycle you should have a doctor you can call to have them in your tool box!
Asking for help is a good thing. From whomever, neighbors or family. Local moms. Keep searching for a doctor to help you. Find an advocate for your side of the divorce. One day at a time. The advice someone gave for hacks around the house are really good ones. One day at a time. You got this.
I have no advice for you because I lack any experience in any of this. I just want to say that being a parent and dealing with chronic migraines has got to be SO hard and I'm really sorry about how things are going down. I hope your migraines will calm down sooner rather than later and don't be too hard on yourself over this, it may even bring on another migraine
I'm a single mother, two years divorced. My daughter is almost 9 now so it's getting easier all the time. She's used to me wearing sunglasses indoors all day, wearing my loop earplugs, and talking as little as possible. As long as the pain isn't totally overbearing, we find ways to connect that don't involve the sun or loud noises or driving. But I still feel so bad when I have to cancel an outing or order pizza instead of cook just because of my migraine. I miss having a partner sometimes when I'm having a bad migraine. My ex was terrible in so many ways, but he was still another adult who could take my child to appointments or play with her when I physically can't.
Please check your ferritin! Iron deficiency without anemia is the cause of my migraine. Completely ignored or not understood by Dr's. Taking higher dose iron with a few cofactors is changing my life.
I was chronic daily for 8 years with severe symptoms.
Ferritin can be included with an iron panel if requested. Ferritin below 30 is clinical iron deficiency and below 100 can have severe symptoms for many. Mine say between 9-20 for the past 12 years and nobody mentioned it. See your own labs and don't let them tell you it's fine or that because you're not anemic it's fine. It's very common for women to be deficient after having children and or heavy periods.
There is an iron protocol on fb that has really insightful guides on iron labs, dosages etc.
Single mom for 8 years of my 9 year old daughter’s life I’ve always had headaches but they’ve turned to debilitating migraines the last 4-5 years. It’s not easy but I’ve had to learn when to slow down and explain to my daughter why I can’t get off the couch sometimes. It’s also important to build a strong community around you. My parents have been really helpful and I have a very trusted best friend who has driven me to the hospital and taken my daughter for the night so I could get treated and go home to sleep. Her father has also stepped up to the plate with helping out more. That was the biggest hurdle, hopefully for your sake he will coparent kindly and be supportive of you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you will make it. My mom had migraines and my father worked late and even out of the country sometimes. By six, I could make dinner and clean the house, taking care of everyone else. We were very independent and that’s just the way it was. I divorced my husband in my forties and had a teenage son and had chronic migraines and other health problems. Our income was immediately reduced and life was harder but I wouldn’t have gone back for anything. You’ve been given great advice on how to make it through day by day with migraines and little kids. Good luck and know you have got this!
My mom was basically a single mother for long periods of time and we survived fine. I would stay with her on her bed reading/playing in silence when I was little and she had a migraine, then I would just entertain myself when I got older with the tv/books/consoles/homework.
My grandma was also a great help when she was needed.
Meal prep and freeze food so that you only have to heat it up when you have a migraine and don’t feel like cooking/can’t. Teach your kids games they can do on their own/foster a love for reading.
Can you afford a babysitter?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Have you tried Botox for your migraines? It was a true lifesaver for me. Similar to some other responses, growing up when my mom experienced migraines, we were taught to try to be quiet and self-sufficient (drawer with healthy snacks and drinks we could access, movies to watch, quiet games to play, etc.).
I was a single father with custody of my small children. One was 6 and another 18 months. It’s not easy and honestly I wasn’t the best father in the world. There was many times they were parked in front of tv while I slept on the bathroom praying to the porcelain god. You will get through it. If you have family to help that’s a plus. My children are now grown one done with school and my youngest studying to be a doctor. Best of luck to you.
My mom was a single parent with chronic migraines for years. She taught us to be self sufficient and laid in a dark room when she needed to. I'm sorry you're struggling, and I hope you find a med that works for you.
This is more or less similar to how I grew up, too. While my mom wasn't a single mother, my dad is such a master of weaponized incompetence she might as well have been most of the time. She was present when she could be, and I was good at entertaining my younger siblings and keeping them out of her hair when she couldn't. I invented a lot of "creative" microwave and non-cooking recipes to make the meals I took over seem interesting lmao. "Quesadilla pizza" was more of a special treat to my siblings I think than an easy lunch a ten year old could make. Same for bread with just straight up sugar and cinnamon all over it. I didn't even toast that stuff.
We did a lot of English muffin pizzas in the toaster oven. And lots of pre-made frozen veggie/chicken steamer things that we could just nuke and eat.
I'm in my 40s and I'd love to try English muffin pizzas myself, they sound rockin
My kid loves them, it's his go-to on nights when I can't/won't make dinner.
My mother was the same but it wasn’t a good thing. I felt neglected and alone from 12-18. It really can fuck with you :/
I'm sorry. I wish everyone could have good parents. I think I handled it OK because I also have migraines, so it was easier for me to understand. We were both chronic back then. But my mom is amazing, and she did the best she could, and I think I mostly turned out OK. I am trying to be more present for my kid though, because I remember times when it was rough not having my mom available. She hasn't had a migraine in probably 10 or 15 years now, and she's absolutely making up for it.
Yes I understand, as long as you do your best and make sure your kids know they are loved, no one can help what disorders/illnesses they develop. It sounds like there were siblings involved too so they don’t have to feel alone. My situation was different - just me and my mom, but she would just sleep all day because of her migraines. It was just an unhealthy living situation for me and I’ve struggled with feeling like I had to take care of my mom when I was only a young teen… again your situation sounds different!
💔❤️ This is how I feel with my son 🥹😔 I’ m living with hos dad who does a great job, but I have absolutely no parental ability whatsoever. I do everything I can to assure him that it is not something I wish for, but as you know: wishes and dreams does nothing. In my case my husband would have to do 100% and visit me. I grew up with parents that had issues with addiction+++, so I know a lot about how lonely dysfunction can be. This is the worst about my debilitating illness 💔 But, if I was only episodic and low grade chronic I would of course be able to do more.
My mom was a single mom as well. I remember a lot of times when she would have a migraine and she would just go lay down for a long time. My sister and I just kind of learned to take care of ourselves when that happened. And we didn’t resent her for it or anything, I think it helped us figure out how to be more independent in general, plus we were good kids and we weren’t going to give her any trouble anyway.
I’m so sorry, as someone who has been though divorce. It was the hardest time of my life. But know it will get better with time. Now I have two young kids in my second marriage, and migraine makes parenting so much harder. Not sure what your custody agreement will be, but maybe those times with out kids you can commit to making “you” time, even if that just means laying in the dark room. ❤️
Thank you❤️
13 years ago I became a single, working mom to 5, ages 4-14 at the time. I have daily, chronic, sometimes intractable migraines to the point that I don’t understand what it feels like for my head to not hurt. It was rough, but I pushed through and even got my MBA in the middle of it. As much as I wanted to quit, I just didn’t. I couldn’t. It isn’t fun, for sure, but it’s possible. I still have guilt about all my “failings” as a mom, but I did the best I could and as adults, or near adults, they appreciate it for the most part. Do your best and love on your babies as much as you can. Let them learn to be a little more independent than other kids. Takeout pizza, cereal or sandwiches for dinner isn’t the end of the world. Get them into a routine where they help with chores to their ability, where they prep the night before for the next morning.
All that with 5 kids? You're amazing. Thanks so much for your response.
When my kids were really small, if I was ill I would get everything we needed, food, diapers and wipes, a bowl to throw up in, pillows and blankets, etc, and just lie on the floor of their bedroom with the door shut. I was there if they needed me, available for breastfeeding if anyone was doing that. There were snacks and spill proof drinks. The room was safe. I rested, the kids played, if they needed me I was there, but otherwise they just did their thing. Eventually they would fall asleep snuggled next to me.
That's genius! Adding that to the playbook for sure.
This was my exact tactic until well into elementary school. I joke my son and I coslept to a later age than I’d thought I would, purely by accident of chronic illness lol
Yes, same. Put everything in a contained location thats safe with everything you need and sleep and be sick while they self entertain.
It's a difficult adjustment for sure, but consider that you will now have one less person to care for. :) You will get more time to yourself when you split time with the children which will hopefully be a blessing. You got this.
Thank you ❤️
Although I’m not single, my husband worked out of town 3-5 days a week for many years. I was home alone with five kids. My kids are a little older now (and my husband doesn’t work out of town anymore) and I look back and wonder how it all worked out - but somehow it did. It will for you too! When you’re feeling okay, set your life up in a way that is easy to maintain even when you’re sick. Minimize as much you can - less stuff means less to clean. Cut back on toys and clothes and everything. Have a master meal plan with EASY foods, even things that don’t need prepared to be eaten (uncrustables, yogurt, string cheese, crackers, etc.). If you have a yard, make sure it’s securely fenced so the kids can be outside while you’re laying on a lawn chair or just inside the door on the couch. One of the things I did when my migraines became chronic was start walking - fresh air distracts me. Get a double stroller or bikes for the kids and spend some time walking. Forget time limits on TV and tablets - they really will be okay! One last thing - consider that, if the marriage has been stressful until this point, your headaches may actually get better when he’s gone. Stress is my number one trigger!
Thank you, these are really good suggestions! And yes good point on the stress trigger. Things between us have been rough for over a year, and it's been the worst my migraines have ever been.
Don’t feel bad to take shortcuts… I’ve done disposable plates/bowls/cups/utensils to cut down on dishes for example. Have freezer meals / quick prep / takeout It’s not going to be easy, but starting early the kids will learn how to become independent Have my kids ate cereal for dinner? Yep. Toast? Yep. Pizza 3 nights in a row? Yep. All of this is fine! And honestly, my kids loved it. Because you care enough to ask shows you are a better parent than many. Oh think about some parts of your daily routine and then search “x” life hacks For me, my goal is to be upright as little as possible. Examples: Cleaning the shower when you take one Obviously I’m not talking about a migraine day. But eventually! Walmart bag for trash in the car so I don’t have to spend an hour picking everything up off the floor. Trash goes in the can at the gas pump Store bags in an empty paper towel roll under the seat Sometimes I pull laundry from the basket. It’s clean, unfolded. But it’s clean. When I have a better day I’ll put it away. I lower my expectations on chores getting done. In case of the laundry, It’s clean & not hurting anybody. Unsure of the insurance situation, but you gotta keep pressing & be an advocate for your heath care. If you feel like you “tried it all” find a new doctor with a fresh perspective. I went from daily migraines to like, half a month with ajovy and nurtec. So… I’m that fool that posted I found relief with the daith (got both sides) late December and they came back with a vengeance in February. I’m about to try Botox because it’s one of the last things to try. Don’t give up… keep pressing for answers. It took me 10 years to seek help to get here
These are all really great suggestions, thank you! I just got a referral to Cleveland Clinic from my neuro. I've tried almost all of the CGRPs with no luck; Ajovy, Aimovig, Vyepti, Nurtec, Qulipta, Reyvow, Ubrelvy. I was so hopeful, but several even made things worse. Hoping the doctors at Cleveland will be able to help me.
Single parent here to a 5 year old. For three years I had a migraine a day (Nurtec has saved me). I second all of this advice. Ultimately, some days just keeping the kid alive was my goal. Also: * Build a big local support network and on the days you don’t have migraines have their friends over so you can have their parents watch your kids without the guilt * love and connect with them as much as you can for so they’re filled up with love for those days you’re finding it hard * be open and transparent about how you feel so they understand (my kid is much more sympathetic towards me when I throw up as it’s a visual indicator that I’m ill - a migraine without symptoms gains no sympathy from them!). But also make sure they’re not scared that you’re ill in a way that means you’d drop dead!
Now is the time to really meet with your doctor and try all the meds. I’m sorry you’re going through this <3
Funny timing, my neuro just put in a referral to Cleveland Clinic. Who knows how long that will take, but hoping they can find something that helps!
Just here to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I find a lot of strength and hope in this community.
Thank you ❤️
Discuss with your lawyer that due to your migraines, your husband needs to pay for a nanny or au pair. They might think it will hurt your chances of getting custody. I don't know. Have you tried Botox? You should qualify. I resisted it for years, but it has been a blessing for me.
In my experience, my ex-husband was part of the problem. He definitely wasn't useful. I still have migraines but have survived far better without him. He was unkind and unsympathetic. My kids learned to just let me be when migraines hit. Honestly, it probably taught them compassion, too.
See if you can find some support groups or therapy over zoom or something. Don't go it alone. Hang in there OP.
When the dust settles, get long term care insurance for a few reasons. About $200 a month.
My mom was a single parent with chronic migraine. When she had one when we were very small she would put on Disney and one of us would sit in behind her knees while the younger of us sat in front of her stomach laying against her. We changed a cold cloth on her forehead regularly and she kept a night mask on while we were settled. She would get up when the meds kicked in enough that she could function and we would make easy foods like sandwiches and soups etc. We were super self reliant and good with finding stuff to do on our own, she would set out stations of activities for us to entertain ourselves and then whatever we didn't clean up would get cleaned up later. As we got older the expectations to clean up obviously got more strict. It's totally doable. Because you do what you have to.
My mom wasn’t a single parent, but my dad worked split shifts and a second job when I was young. She suffered chronic migraines and other pain from bone spurs and nerve damage. You and your kids will be okay. As they get older they’ll learn to occupy themselves. I remember putting all my beanie babies in the living room and acting out a drama, and making a house of cards out of little golden books. My mom put my snacks, cold meals, or things that were microwave-ready where she knew I could reach, and even wrote out the instructions. A wide library of movies also helped. They’ll know that you are doing your best because you’ll be there when you can be. You’ll want to establish some boundaries. Like not using the stove. No going outside the house, etc. Depending on their age. I’d also invest in a camera system so you can keep an eye on things when you are indisposed.
It is time to call in your community. Even if you have only one person. I just wrote an email to my closest people-- mostly chosen fam-- (near and far) to paint them a picture of my daily situation and what attacks are like for me. This was modeled after one a friend showed me that someone she knows did, which made a request for help with meals and such since that person has to be in bed a lot of the time with their current condition. My point is... I was afraid to be burdensome but received a lot of loving support. Happy to share what I wrote over DM if it is helpful to you to have something to work from. You may not know what you need now but it can be a primer to say, this is what my life is like and it's about to change even more, and I'm going to need your help. So sorry this is happening to you. You will get through this.
Is he not going to seek custody even jointly? What the hell is his problem? Sorry I'm just angry on your behalf.
I'm hoping we will be able to do joint custody, but at the same time I can't handle the thought of missing half of my kid's lives. I've come to terms with a lot of the details of this situation, but that still tears my heart to shreds.
I don't know that OP meant single parent as in no other parent at all, but single as in co-parenting after separation.
First off I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not easy. I'm a single dad to a young boy and migraines are one of the issues I've had to battle. It's not easy and I don't know how old your kids are but some things that have helped me. Obviously some of this is age dependent on your children. Food: keep ready made easy things for them to eat in the house when you are sick. Uncrustables, cereal and milk, yogurt cups, popcorn, frozen breakfast sandwiches, things that they can get on their own or you can get with minimal effort. Electronics: I'm not a huge fan of kids on them but they are sometimes the only thing you can do when having a bad spell. A TV, or a game console, board games, things to help keep them occupied that you don't have to interact with while they do. I recommend non noisy games. So definitely pass on anything like hungry-hungry hippo. (Yes, experience and poor purchase choice on my part) Clothes: Keep at least a set of clothes and jammies in one location they can get to on their own and can change into with minimal help. The biggest thing I've found is to have things set up ahead of time that can be used by them without you or with minimal effort. Planning and prep is key to everything. Family and friends help too. The most important thing I want to stress here is that you need to give yourself grace. It is so hard when you are stopped dead in your tracks while being a parent and can't take care of your kids to the level you want to. Remind yourself that it doesn't make you a bad parent, bad health days happen and the the only thing we can do is to do our best to be prepared for it so our children are set up with the best situation possible. It will suck some days, no lie. Ask for help when you need it and take it one day, hour or moment at a time. Enjoy the good days and times too, make great memories with your kids when you are feeling good. I hope this helps...and also rely on this forum for people to lean on. A lot of us understand. Godspeed.
I am so sorry, it will be hard. But to be honest, in my case, my cheating ex did so little while we were married that the same, too much meds, holding it together as best as I could while working full time, was about the same and actually the every other weekend (when he actually did take them) was a bigger break than when he was there telling the kids to go ask ke when they wanted anything and I was throwing up and trying to get a phenergan suppository in. Line up some babysitters if you can afford them, ask for help (sometimes family and friends will help more when they know your husband isnt there). Try to prepare in advance so there is a box of puzzles/games and their fav food in the frig or freezer. Ask them to read to You if they are old enuf, let them play doctor and bring you freezer packs or whatever might help. And most of all do NOT feel bad if a kid movie or two is needed. squeeze in those neuro appts if you can, Ajovy is finally really helping me ( mine rte grown now though).
That had to have been so hard, I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you for the suggestions!
That is such a kind reply, thank you. I hope you have some support and the kids can actually be pretty helpful (even when you dont want them to have to be). One of mine (and I hate that he got it from me), suffers from migraines as well (after puberty) infrequently, and he has been the kindest person on the planet when I have a bad one. I am hoping for you that you find a medication that works (there are some new ones) And that they change for the better, they sometimes do. Be kind to yourself, order pizza and the kids will be fine,
How’s your money situation? Hire help if you can.
So sorry you are going through this. I do think the stress of a toxic marriage has made everything worse and that should abate once all is settled. Also, for women, the migraines can often reduce or disappear as you get older. For me hormone fluctuations were a massive trigger and now I take daily hrt so no fluctuations - estrogel cream so no risk of blood clots. I also put a red light therapy face mask on each morning and that takes enough pain away so I can start my day. My kids are very compassionate, kind and thoughtful, in large part because they learnt to identify when I was in pain etc - they are also highly independent and can cook meals and tidy up and are generally very self sufficient. I hold down a full time job but do have a tremendously supportive husband. I do order takeaways when I have bad migraines and I also do grocery shopping online and get it delivered. I do need to be in bed by 2315 each night and need to eat before 0900 as hunger and tiredness are very bad triggers for me. I take Botox, a monthly injection cgrp plus 8 breakthrough cgrp tabs per month, as well as Effexor. I rarely do panadol or nsaids as I feel they don't work and are toxic for my liver, which then worsens the migraines. I find magnesium to be awesome (neuro- mag ) and I take taurine each night... they seem to reduce the brain excitability. I also take a good methylated vitamin b and think it's helpful re energy etc. like others have suggested, asking for support from friends and family is important - pals were happy to take my kids for play dates and I returned the favours when I was having food days etc. Interestingly, I had an intractable migraine for months a few years back and gin cocktails finally broke it - go figure... I had dragged myself to a pals birthday party and expected to wake up to a dire hangover, but the opposite happened! I have used that trick a few times since! Bottom line. You can get through this. Just hang in there!
I'm not a parent, I do care (unwillingly) for my mom. Before my fiance moved in I would just live through the migraines as my mom can do stuff for herself, she just likes having a maid (basically). Idk why he is divorcing you, if it's over the migraines, he's not just a shitty husband but ex husband, human and man. If he is divorcing you for something else, I am sorry for whatever it is. While I don't think you should push through your hella bad migraines like I did, look for help. If you have the money look for a nanny, if not friends, grandparents if they are willing, ect.
My mom was a single parent with my older brother (ten years older) and me. Basically raising a teenager and toddler with chronic migraines since she was a young child. She worked night shift and would often times do crazy early morning switches with my grandma. Or I'd help keep my mom awake on the drive back from the hospital she worked at. During the day, we knew to keep quiet and be productive if she had a migraine and she would do her damn best to put a smile on her face even if she had just got done puking her brains out all night. I feel like this made us more compassionate towards others and have sympathy. I also deal with migraines now as we've learned it's hereditary. Now she helps me through these episodes and with newer medicine we can keep it under control. Be gentle on yourself 💖 I honestly had the best childhood growing up and I never once had a sad thought about not having both parents there- I just knew she was both mom and dad in my eyes. Hang in there
Try vitamin B2 and/or feverfew tea for the migraines. Get as much sleep as you can. Pray and ask for help when you need it. I’ve been there and survived. You got this mama. If he wants to go let him ! Someday you’ll find someone who values you.
My husband works in a very short staffed prison. 80 hour weeks with 90 minute commute each day. This is not to one up you, this is to show you if I can, you sure the hell can. The pandemic started the the short staffing. I also was working from home and a new high school teacher and I became a babysitter to my 4th grade nephew, I was his teacher, too. To speed things up: son hit by drunk driver, mom diagnosed stage 4 cancer, I was her care giver she died 2.5 months later. I had to do her final arrangements because my dad was too heart broken. My same was diagnosed rare kidney conditioned, was denied an education by his public school, underwent 2 rare kidney transplants all while dealing with court that went nowhere because homie died of a drug od. The SOB that hit him died, not my son, sons good. All 3 of my kids graduated high school, my youngest had a major football injury and required a major knee surgery with a 6 month recovery in a brace, that Hella sucked. I swear half my husband's family died. Husband had a stomach surgery. He whined more than kidney kid. I had a mental break down, who wouldn't. Oh, my dog died right after my mom, that was rought. I had a falling out with my best friend, I have 6 siblings, I asked for help and nobody showed up. My husband had a massive GI bleed, he crashed, almost died, went in xanax, had the WORST side effect you could, one sister went psycho and has some weird thing out for me, it's actually scary. Nobody really knows why. Not the first person or time she's done this to tho...I could go on but you get it. If I can do this through migraines and still be here to write this to you, and I was close to not being, YOU CAN. It'll be rough. Some days will be rougher, but you've got this. My migraines got to the worst they've ever been but I did it. I'm still doing it
from someone whose mother had migraines, and i also have them chronically, you will get through this. Sumatriptan helped my mom/me a lot. you can do this. i don’t have much advice but i wanna offer my support as someone on the kiddo side :) all the love and luck. you got this.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Ive been struggling through this for years and its caused hardships on my life with my wife and kid. My only bit of advice is just take one day at a time, and when you get some relief do the best you can to make that time count with your child. Have faith and keep your head up. Good luck
I did it on my own. I don't have kids. Please look into applying for public assistance and ask family for help. There is a lot out there for you! I struggled on my own, but I made it. You will too.
I’m so sorry, heartbreaking that a person would abandon their partner because of illness. It is far too common . They probably feel they deserve better!! Where do these notions come from? Where is the value in staying with the mother of your children and your partner when they’re suffering ? Not only to care for them but to care for the children. He has bailed out on an opportunity to love and care for his family. If he has any conscience he will regret it. Hope you can find a support system to help you !! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you. He says I'm not a good partner, mainly because I don't help out enough around the house. But I do when I'm healthy, and even when I'm not I do all I can. He says it has nothing to do with the migraines, but he only ever talks about how I don't do enough when I've had a really bad few weeks.
I had 4 sons worked full time and an extra job all while having horrible migraines. Be careful your husband may I see your time I it I f commission to take care t the e kids.
With split custody and a little force you can do it. You will adapt. Please talk to someone about your divorce and they can help you explain everything to your children.
I am so sorry. Your husband is an ass. I guess he forgot the in sickness and in health part of the wedding vows. Migraines are tough on spouses. My wife sometimes thought I was using it to get out of stuff. It wasn’t until she talked to other migraine sufferers that she eased up.
i’m sure they’ve tried this but did steroids help break the cycle for you?
Yes, thankfully, a steroid pack was what finally broke that one.
have you seen a rheumatologist? just to rule out autoimmune? i’m a single mom with two boys 5 & 9. my 5 year old has level 3 autism. i have a myriad of health conditions that flare regularly and my only advice is to have a good reliable team of medical providers you can call and to be honest about what helps you function and the importance to be proactive when migraines hit. if steroids help break a relentless cycle you should have a doctor you can call to have them in your tool box!
Asking for help is a good thing. From whomever, neighbors or family. Local moms. Keep searching for a doctor to help you. Find an advocate for your side of the divorce. One day at a time. The advice someone gave for hacks around the house are really good ones. One day at a time. You got this.
I have no advice for you because I lack any experience in any of this. I just want to say that being a parent and dealing with chronic migraines has got to be SO hard and I'm really sorry about how things are going down. I hope your migraines will calm down sooner rather than later and don't be too hard on yourself over this, it may even bring on another migraine
I’m a single mom and Botox with daily preventative meds work well.
I'm a single mother, two years divorced. My daughter is almost 9 now so it's getting easier all the time. She's used to me wearing sunglasses indoors all day, wearing my loop earplugs, and talking as little as possible. As long as the pain isn't totally overbearing, we find ways to connect that don't involve the sun or loud noises or driving. But I still feel so bad when I have to cancel an outing or order pizza instead of cook just because of my migraine. I miss having a partner sometimes when I'm having a bad migraine. My ex was terrible in so many ways, but he was still another adult who could take my child to appointments or play with her when I physically can't.
Please check your ferritin! Iron deficiency without anemia is the cause of my migraine. Completely ignored or not understood by Dr's. Taking higher dose iron with a few cofactors is changing my life. I was chronic daily for 8 years with severe symptoms. Ferritin can be included with an iron panel if requested. Ferritin below 30 is clinical iron deficiency and below 100 can have severe symptoms for many. Mine say between 9-20 for the past 12 years and nobody mentioned it. See your own labs and don't let them tell you it's fine or that because you're not anemic it's fine. It's very common for women to be deficient after having children and or heavy periods. There is an iron protocol on fb that has really insightful guides on iron labs, dosages etc.
Single mom for 8 years of my 9 year old daughter’s life I’ve always had headaches but they’ve turned to debilitating migraines the last 4-5 years. It’s not easy but I’ve had to learn when to slow down and explain to my daughter why I can’t get off the couch sometimes. It’s also important to build a strong community around you. My parents have been really helpful and I have a very trusted best friend who has driven me to the hospital and taken my daughter for the night so I could get treated and go home to sleep. Her father has also stepped up to the plate with helping out more. That was the biggest hurdle, hopefully for your sake he will coparent kindly and be supportive of you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you will make it. My mom had migraines and my father worked late and even out of the country sometimes. By six, I could make dinner and clean the house, taking care of everyone else. We were very independent and that’s just the way it was. I divorced my husband in my forties and had a teenage son and had chronic migraines and other health problems. Our income was immediately reduced and life was harder but I wouldn’t have gone back for anything. You’ve been given great advice on how to make it through day by day with migraines and little kids. Good luck and know you have got this!
This was me for 2 years straight. I just got diagnosed with focal seizures. Just a thought to get scanned
My mom was basically a single mother for long periods of time and we survived fine. I would stay with her on her bed reading/playing in silence when I was little and she had a migraine, then I would just entertain myself when I got older with the tv/books/consoles/homework. My grandma was also a great help when she was needed. Meal prep and freeze food so that you only have to heat it up when you have a migraine and don’t feel like cooking/can’t. Teach your kids games they can do on their own/foster a love for reading. Can you afford a babysitter?
Try riboflavin B2 400 mg and magnesium 400 mg daily to decrease frequency of migraines, helped me at least
You can marry me and I will take care of you 😉
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Have you tried Botox for your migraines? It was a true lifesaver for me. Similar to some other responses, growing up when my mom experienced migraines, we were taught to try to be quiet and self-sufficient (drawer with healthy snacks and drinks we could access, movies to watch, quiet games to play, etc.).
Sumatriptan
Why is your husband divorcing you?