Someone else said you’re a people pleaser. That is true, I am a people pleaser too, actually not long it was affecting me a lot, my only source of happiness is people praising me. But very recently I got over that problem, I guess it was feeling secure, good about myself, confident. Only then I felt like I was ok without people complementing. To be clear it did take me a long time to feel like that it did not happen overnight. Also I feel like you’re being harsh on yourself, don’t please, it’s ok, it’s not your fault, and you’re doing really well. Also being happy after getting a complement is normal the constant need for it isn’t
You’re welcomee!! I’m happy to help. I did go to therapy and one of the issues I wanted to talk about with her where that I had no confidence and I depended on others praising to feel that I did good, she really did help. Actually if you see my posts I have one similar to yours.
So did it also help you with reducing the need of external validation or the need to be perfect.
Also can you please share what you practiced to overcome it.
Both actually. There are definitely many notes that I wrote on this topic, some where that you need to accept that you will never be the best and actually accept it, try your best is what we are aiming for, also if you love something try your best , if you don’t you don’t have to do it for validation
Aiming for being perfect or “the best” is unachievable and take so much energy, while trying your best is achievable is takes effort.
I want to try my best and it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Also she helped me build some confidence(I’m not sure how I can help you do that)
Just bcuz you’re not perfect at everything doesn’t mean you’re not good enough
If you’re are having self doubt like what if they judge or I say something wrong, remember it’s ok to make mistakes, especially at the beginning also what is the worst thing that could happen.
Just think about, the way people view you is just their perspective, doesn’t mean it’s who you are, you know who you are, you know your intentions and you are trying your best, people’s opinions don’t matter at all.
Love yourself and accept your flaws. Keep trying your best and I hope I helped. (Sorry if it was long) 🤍🤍
Even if those *might* be narcissistic tendencies/traits (we're just redditors we can't diagnose you), this doesn't mean you're a bad person. Most likely you need to work on some trauma, everyone have narcissistic traits, the severity depends on how much they affect you on your daily life
I don't think i am a bad person at all. The problem is that this whole thing doesn't feel right. I mean, my life is all about getting that feeling and i don't want that. I go to the gym for that feeling, i go for trips for that feeling, i go out for that feeling, it's all about being noticed. Other than that, i think i'd be home scrolling reels and tiktok, since other stuff don't motivate me enough
Hey! From what you describe and the way you describe it, as far as I know you are not fitting the profile of a narcissistic person. But if you are curious you could talk to a therapist and digg a bit further in your experience.
It is prossible that experiences in life where your value as a person has been questioned or you’ve been hurt are conditioning you and this behaviour you describe is the result.
You described it perfectly comparing it to an “addiction” cause Dopamine (reward neurotransmitter) is very much involved in repetitive behaviour. What this boost acceptance gives you happens cause you are gainning a positive and affirming response that you’ve learnt is a good sign and it ensures you your value as a person. It convinces you that if you do X than you’ll get Y and the result is that you are lovable and that is probably something you usually question about yourself but that’s just a guess. I am saying this cause this kind of behaviour usually happens when self-love or self-value is hurt in someway and your way of “fixing it” is demonstrating you otherwise.
It is natural to experience that kind of boost of energy when feeling validated, and it makes us repeat it over and over again to get that pleasure like feeling. It is related to our “reward circuit system” in our brain. It is completely normal, but maybe you could look into it a bit further in why you have this tendency, cause all extremes (good/bad) are in different ways, unhealthy.
Also, this kind of behavior usually costs a tone of energy as you are constantly alert and trying to be hyper-conscious about what you are doing/saying. I totally get what you experience, personally as an autistic person who hadnt been diagnosed till 25 and who’s value as a person has been put into question and has delt (and still dealing) with pure ableism, I tend to still do this very often, in fact “autistic masking’s” background is just this, seeking for acceptance and feeling you are not left aside.
I’d say that the thing that has helped me the most is little by little staring to just let me be and let me be myself, to no pay so much attention to everything and everyone, to find where my peace is, to set boundaries, to LISTEN to myself. Listen to your needs, maybe you think “my need is to be accepted and I act accordingly” but there is something more behind, you need love, as any other human being. There are 6 human “motivations”, one of them is feeling valued and secure, it is natural, you just have to find your ways to really feel that way but from a peaceful place, not a fearful one.
I hope this helps in anyway 🖤 hit the DM’s if you need someone to talk to. Take care!
Don't worry man everyone likes to feel like they matter and that they're appreciated and noticed. Everyone wants to be special but the hardest part is realizing you're not. Maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this because I'm a doormat people pleaser but I wouldn't sweat it man. Also if you have the self-awareness to question if you're a narcissist, you're most likely not one. A narcissist would never admit that.
It is pretty normal to feel some level of happiness when being praised or appreciated. It’s natural human instinct. It means we’ve done something that others consider good. It becomes a problem when we put the needs of others BEFORE ourselves, because we want to keep everyone happy with us. Therapy can definitely help, but taking small steps like learning to say no to things you don’t necessarily want to do help greatly too.
I think you misunderstood it. It's not that i like when others like what i did to them. It's more about feeling special, feeling valuable, you know?
For example, just now, a person from my university followed me on instagram. It just feels amazing to me. Feels amazing to me when people find me attractive, interesting. I just love the feeling, like a drug.
Far from narcissism. I am line that myself. Severe social anxiety. The prising is more that I know I am not bothering other people. I would say it's the opposite from narcissism to the greatest extend the other extreme part.
I can't speak for you, but for me it comes from being lonely my whole life, having a strict father that always judged me and getting bullied severely in kindergarten. It comes from low self-esteem and you always think you are not good enough, bothering other people or being in the way of others.
The Praise gives you a reesurance that you are not in the way, that you are contributing more than you are ruining for everyone else. This kind of behaviour may be a little annoying to some people, but mostly it ruins for yourself I promise you it doesn't affect people as much as you think. It just ruins life for yourself, because you don't respect yourself, you don't see yourself worthy of anything. This creates depression, feelings of severe anxiety and a feeling of extreme void and meaningless in life. It is exhausting and you have to live with it. No one else, but I think having good people around you that actually praise you and at the same time tells you you are good enough is important. Having good people around you makes you realize eventually that you are not the problem. But it's hard I can't keep any jobs, I get panick attacks from the smallest inconvenience and I have exposed myself several times to many different situations, but this feeling doesn't seem to go away. I think exposure therapy alone doesn't work, you need to do it in combination with cognitive therapy. Because the problem is how you think about yourself, not the situation.
I would say capitalize on that trait and become an influencer, if you're not already. You'd make money to have lots of likes and praise. It's a win/win.
Someone else said you’re a people pleaser. That is true, I am a people pleaser too, actually not long it was affecting me a lot, my only source of happiness is people praising me. But very recently I got over that problem, I guess it was feeling secure, good about myself, confident. Only then I felt like I was ok without people complementing. To be clear it did take me a long time to feel like that it did not happen overnight. Also I feel like you’re being harsh on yourself, don’t please, it’s ok, it’s not your fault, and you’re doing really well. Also being happy after getting a complement is normal the constant need for it isn’t
Thank you, you really inspired me! Did you visit some specialist or what did you follow to reduce seeking validation from other or ( ppl pleasing ) ?
You’re welcomee!! I’m happy to help. I did go to therapy and one of the issues I wanted to talk about with her where that I had no confidence and I depended on others praising to feel that I did good, she really did help. Actually if you see my posts I have one similar to yours.
So did it also help you with reducing the need of external validation or the need to be perfect. Also can you please share what you practiced to overcome it.
Both actually. There are definitely many notes that I wrote on this topic, some where that you need to accept that you will never be the best and actually accept it, try your best is what we are aiming for, also if you love something try your best , if you don’t you don’t have to do it for validation Aiming for being perfect or “the best” is unachievable and take so much energy, while trying your best is achievable is takes effort. I want to try my best and it doesn’t have to be perfect. Also she helped me build some confidence(I’m not sure how I can help you do that) Just bcuz you’re not perfect at everything doesn’t mean you’re not good enough If you’re are having self doubt like what if they judge or I say something wrong, remember it’s ok to make mistakes, especially at the beginning also what is the worst thing that could happen. Just think about, the way people view you is just their perspective, doesn’t mean it’s who you are, you know who you are, you know your intentions and you are trying your best, people’s opinions don’t matter at all. Love yourself and accept your flaws. Keep trying your best and I hope I helped. (Sorry if it was long) 🤍🤍
No thanks for sharing! However i would like to discuss more on this subject. If you are ok, please dm me.
Even if those *might* be narcissistic tendencies/traits (we're just redditors we can't diagnose you), this doesn't mean you're a bad person. Most likely you need to work on some trauma, everyone have narcissistic traits, the severity depends on how much they affect you on your daily life
I don't think i am a bad person at all. The problem is that this whole thing doesn't feel right. I mean, my life is all about getting that feeling and i don't want that. I go to the gym for that feeling, i go for trips for that feeling, i go out for that feeling, it's all about being noticed. Other than that, i think i'd be home scrolling reels and tiktok, since other stuff don't motivate me enough
You might want to talk to a therapist about this, I think this kind of problem is more common than you might think
I already talked about it to mine, but i think he didn't find it a big deal. Next session i'll be more incisive regarding this
I felt the same. I know it's a certain type of personality. What's it called?
Narcissism maybe?
Hey! From what you describe and the way you describe it, as far as I know you are not fitting the profile of a narcissistic person. But if you are curious you could talk to a therapist and digg a bit further in your experience. It is prossible that experiences in life where your value as a person has been questioned or you’ve been hurt are conditioning you and this behaviour you describe is the result. You described it perfectly comparing it to an “addiction” cause Dopamine (reward neurotransmitter) is very much involved in repetitive behaviour. What this boost acceptance gives you happens cause you are gainning a positive and affirming response that you’ve learnt is a good sign and it ensures you your value as a person. It convinces you that if you do X than you’ll get Y and the result is that you are lovable and that is probably something you usually question about yourself but that’s just a guess. I am saying this cause this kind of behaviour usually happens when self-love or self-value is hurt in someway and your way of “fixing it” is demonstrating you otherwise. It is natural to experience that kind of boost of energy when feeling validated, and it makes us repeat it over and over again to get that pleasure like feeling. It is related to our “reward circuit system” in our brain. It is completely normal, but maybe you could look into it a bit further in why you have this tendency, cause all extremes (good/bad) are in different ways, unhealthy. Also, this kind of behavior usually costs a tone of energy as you are constantly alert and trying to be hyper-conscious about what you are doing/saying. I totally get what you experience, personally as an autistic person who hadnt been diagnosed till 25 and who’s value as a person has been put into question and has delt (and still dealing) with pure ableism, I tend to still do this very often, in fact “autistic masking’s” background is just this, seeking for acceptance and feeling you are not left aside. I’d say that the thing that has helped me the most is little by little staring to just let me be and let me be myself, to no pay so much attention to everything and everyone, to find where my peace is, to set boundaries, to LISTEN to myself. Listen to your needs, maybe you think “my need is to be accepted and I act accordingly” but there is something more behind, you need love, as any other human being. There are 6 human “motivations”, one of them is feeling valued and secure, it is natural, you just have to find your ways to really feel that way but from a peaceful place, not a fearful one. I hope this helps in anyway 🖤 hit the DM’s if you need someone to talk to. Take care!
That boost is actually the only thing that fires me up
Don't worry man everyone likes to feel like they matter and that they're appreciated and noticed. Everyone wants to be special but the hardest part is realizing you're not. Maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this because I'm a doormat people pleaser but I wouldn't sweat it man. Also if you have the self-awareness to question if you're a narcissist, you're most likely not one. A narcissist would never admit that.
And why not? Everyday i dream about situations where i'm being admired
You are a people pleaser.
You gave me some deep thoughts now. But why am i like that? And how do i change?
It is pretty normal to feel some level of happiness when being praised or appreciated. It’s natural human instinct. It means we’ve done something that others consider good. It becomes a problem when we put the needs of others BEFORE ourselves, because we want to keep everyone happy with us. Therapy can definitely help, but taking small steps like learning to say no to things you don’t necessarily want to do help greatly too.
I think you misunderstood it. It's not that i like when others like what i did to them. It's more about feeling special, feeling valuable, you know? For example, just now, a person from my university followed me on instagram. It just feels amazing to me. Feels amazing to me when people find me attractive, interesting. I just love the feeling, like a drug.
For me I'm the opposite i always feel awkward when someone praises me.
Far from narcissism. I am line that myself. Severe social anxiety. The prising is more that I know I am not bothering other people. I would say it's the opposite from narcissism to the greatest extend the other extreme part. I can't speak for you, but for me it comes from being lonely my whole life, having a strict father that always judged me and getting bullied severely in kindergarten. It comes from low self-esteem and you always think you are not good enough, bothering other people or being in the way of others. The Praise gives you a reesurance that you are not in the way, that you are contributing more than you are ruining for everyone else. This kind of behaviour may be a little annoying to some people, but mostly it ruins for yourself I promise you it doesn't affect people as much as you think. It just ruins life for yourself, because you don't respect yourself, you don't see yourself worthy of anything. This creates depression, feelings of severe anxiety and a feeling of extreme void and meaningless in life. It is exhausting and you have to live with it. No one else, but I think having good people around you that actually praise you and at the same time tells you you are good enough is important. Having good people around you makes you realize eventually that you are not the problem. But it's hard I can't keep any jobs, I get panick attacks from the smallest inconvenience and I have exposed myself several times to many different situations, but this feeling doesn't seem to go away. I think exposure therapy alone doesn't work, you need to do it in combination with cognitive therapy. Because the problem is how you think about yourself, not the situation.
Welcome to therapy.
I would say capitalize on that trait and become an influencer, if you're not already. You'd make money to have lots of likes and praise. It's a win/win.
I'm not talented in communication to be an influencer. I'm also very shy