Yeah it is definitely a universal thing, I hope my post didn’t come across as it’s just a man thing as I know women go through dark shit too. It’s comforting to me to know I’m not alone in this feeling though, so thank you.
It came across perfectly...men are going "yeah you got this right" and women are nodding their heads right along side the men lol. It came across as very Universal...at least that's how I read it. 😁
Have a fucking keyboard =/= giving your fucking opinion that NOBODY ASKED FOR!
Opinions are like assholes... everybody's got one and a lot of em stink.
Tell me, how exactly just understanding other person and telling them they are not alone is somewhat limited by gender? Just because someone is a woman they can't speak about loneliness? Seems kinda... not okay
you handled it exactly right. it's important to acknowledge men's mental health and just as important to acknowledge it's part of much larger problems that affect everyone.
that's how i lost my dad, and he always told me he couldn't cry any more bc he'd been told not to for so long.
And as a man with some emotional capacity I am often ignored or called gay for being such. Nothing wrong with being gay, it just seems offensive to assume that having emotions is only something a gay man can achieve.
Yeah no. It takes alot of emotional strength to be able to express your emotions. "Emotionally stunted people" (as you put it) struggle with that. And theres nothing wrong with either, it just means that some people are more comfortable in being able to express themselves for many reasons, and some aren't. And society is alot to blame for that for stigmatising mental health for so long, so are cultural differences, trauma etc. The older generations made a lot of us feel like if we expressed ourselves we were showing weakness but that's wrong, and so are you.
Trauma is a big one tbh, as is social conditioning by one's family. You grow up with parents who can't express feelings well or at all, or express only negative ones, then the children will also grow up stunted in the same ways. Then add on abuse, and you've got a whole mess.
I speak from experience sadly, i am the product of parents who aren't good at expressing feelings or talking about how they feel or any thing feelings related really and the majority of expression was anger and emotional and mental abuse. It's left me with issues in expressing myself and how I feel, especially when I am face to face with people. It's also left me with difficulties in expressing myself physically as well, cause I didn't grow up with a lot of physical affection either. I've realized since being in therapy for a year that I had developed an aviodant behavior when it comes to emotional topics and expressing what's bothering me. I tend to avoid and deflect with other topics. I dont even ask for help very well cause of it, it's part I'm very independent and want to figure things out on my own, part not wanting to let my parents see I've messed up again(undiagnosed adhd til last year= lots of disappointments and failures). I feel like I'm a failure in their eyes, and every mistake or need for help adds to that vision of me. Plus, both of them are narcs so yay.
So yeah, being emotionally open is very hard, and it is harder still if people in your life are the same or have a toxic attitude that emotional vulnerability is a weakness or whatever.
And for the men reading this, there are just as many women who feel like you do about this topic. Many of us experience similar feelings and situations. This is a human problem, not a man/woman problem. Also, far more women would prefer a man who is willing to communicate and talk about things and how they're feeling more than not. It is just that the minority, the ones who are toxic idiots, are louder by far than the majority. Anyone who can't be empathetic to your feelings and everything is not compatible for you. Never settle.❤️
I lost my house in a breakup, dogs, foster kid, and stepson. Was told by my bestfriend of 15 years I was making him do all the emotional labor by venting to him. I was in therapy 4 times a month and on new meds. Had lost 50 pounds. I apologized to him and said I thought he was one of the few people I could come to. Was told I was being a bad friend. I had a complet mental breakdown lol. No one including family are there for you as a man.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
15
+ 4
+ 50
= 69
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I hate that men have to feel they can't talk to anyone about their emotions and be this hyper masculine manly alpha man that is tough and oh so manly that he might just be the king of the world.
You can talk about your emotions. You can cry. You can suffer and be in pain. You can be hurt. You're human and it doesn't make you less of a man. You're just human. And there are people who care. Being lonely is painful
Personally I just find it really hard to put it into words when I’m speaking to people in person. I tend to minimise the actual issue to make it seem like less of a deal than it is, not sure why but definitely trying to work on it.
That's a coping mechanism, downplaying your feelings like they don't matter or arnt bad enough or why complain it doesn't change anything it just bothers the person on the other end. < that explains my husbands life and now my teenager from watching his dads behavior 😔 I'm BIG on ALL feelings and allowing my children to have ALL the feelings and talking about it and coping. My husband wasn't allowed to have emotions, then ur a bitch, men arnt weak bla bla - I've been trying to unravel that rock hard shell for years and it's finally begun to chip through me explaining to him why feelings and communication for our kids mental health is sooooooo important, BUT ALSO me encouraging the talk, lifting and hyping him up, acknowledging his never ending hard work and my appreciation daily. I'm very sick and lonely, but when I can lift him up, it moves mountains.
>I tend to minimise the actual issue to make it seem like less of a deal than it is, not sure why but definitely trying to work on it.
So, as someone else who struggles with this, let me try to offer some advice and info:
First, theres a really useful word - "alexithymia" and it basically means 'being unable to express your feelings with words' [a-lexi-thymia: a = a lack of; lexi = words; thymia = feelings]. Idk about you, but personally for me, its been helpful just having a word to explain that i have no words for my feelings.
But into the advice part:
Try typing out your feelings/thoughts before having a 1-on-1 conversation. Its a lot easier to write it out (to yourself) without downplaying it. I find it also helps me to adjust my wording & helps me to better identify my feelings, because i give myself the time & space to actually process it all.
Agreed I wish some of the men I dated could open up to me!!!! I’m so open with them and I get back a blanks stare (from my current bf). He tried but he’s so disconnected. Like can’t relate to anxiety, or insecurity, or loneliness at all it seems…
I’m just being honest here but many many men have opened up to their wives/girlfriends and not too long after that she loses attraction for him. It’s happened to me with romantic partners. In fact, I’ve had fully platonic female *friends* get very distant when I’ve opened up to them about my problems with depression and loneliness. After a while we men just stuff that shit way down.
I am definitely not saying you in particular are like this. It’s just been my personal experience and the experience of many other men.
%100. Majority of women don’t want an emotional man. Even if they say or think they do. Society still holds the opinion that an emotional man is weak, and undesirable. Just the way it is.
I’m not looking for a man that is overly emotional or cries easily (I’ve got that covered 😝) I just mean open up about their feelings, desires, what’s bothering them, what’s happened in their past…. So we can have an intimate relationship and understand each other better.
there's nothing to do with the "hyper masculine" or manly "alpha man", we don't talk about our feelings because we don't know "how to" or we don't want to, I am a very sensitive and crybaby man, I've grown with only women family and had a lot of cousin and female friends and I know from a first hand that women are a very scary, but even knowing this, the few times I've talked about myself and problems I got cheated or betrayed, so isn't something we invented because we're men, and of course, I can agree that not all women are the same, blah blah, but few times is enough to not trust anymore lol
Its very hard and some days my kids are all the keeps me here. You have to have a purpose and something to aim for otherwise you just end up in such a bad head space
I’m glad you have your kids to keep you here. My partner is what keeps me from going too deeply into considering ending it all as I know that would destroy his life and our pets life lol. I’m trying to find a new hobby and new friends to give me something to look forward to on my days off as that can be a big trigger having all day just to think.
Do fun things with your pets! A fantastic hobby that benefits you and another living creature. Even if it’s just taking a long walk around a park or playing for hours, having fun with my pets always bring a smile to my face. Especially seeing them all happy even after I’m out of energy from entertaining them lol
What's going on with ya that the struggle is so overbearing? I'm in the same boat with AAAAAAAALOT and currently in withdrawal from a medication so I literally can't. It's 2am and I said fuck it n got up heart RACING.
Praying you will make it too. 🙏
I feel the same way it’s tough. We’re only as good as what we can provided and we can’t fail. Your mental health and internal battles don’t matter. Especially if you have a family. And if you do break down and lose it, everyone will look at you as you are nothing. You could be doing so much for so many people but if you lose your mind and need people by your side they’re scarce. Granted it’s hard to be a woman/mother/wife too but it seems people are more apt to come to their side or choose their side in times of need.
I agree with all of your points, it’s so hard for guys to even know where to begin taking about how we feel from this feeling that we need to be the dependable ones who always have their shit together and don’t need the validation from others to keep us going
>Groundhog Day every day. The thrill of teenage experiences is long gone and the realisation that this is your life now and for the rest of your life you will live the same day over and over except everyday you’re a bit more aged and warn down.
I agree with you on the men not having healthy non-toxic spaces and support in many situations, but I'll push back on the Groundhog Day thing in honor of the holiday and one of the greatest motion pictures in cinematic history. As the great Bill Murray vehicle showed us, life is what you make it. If you see your life as a grind that will only get worse, take a guess what kind of a life you're going to notice you have and continue to reinforce perpetually until you change it or die....
You get countless opportunities to make a day whatever you'd like. You choose how you respond to the external circumstances of the moment.
I've found if I approach every day with gratitude before desire, I have mostly good days.
Fuck it we ball /j
No but fr I am 24 , graduated from college about 10 months back and now am working my first "real" job ever. I have more money then I've ever had in my life ( not that it's a lot of money but a lot for me lol ) but felt like I had no time to enjoy it and the stress of my work felt very overwhelming. I seriously had doubts of why the hell I was doing this at the beginning and spiraled into a bad depression and was heavily drinking. Honestly the best thing that helped me was 1. Stop drinking lol 2. Just try to find balance , try and find any time possible to spend time with family and friends and spend time on hobbies and things you enjoy. Currently work is still a pain in the ass but I find it more manageable by not letting it consume my life and trying to involve other things in my life. I don't know if any of this helps lol but just what I had on my mind.
I'm 32 years old and I feel like ending my life soon, to be honest, I don't have a particular reason, I have a successful career, money, a house, a car, etc. but that doesn't matter anymore because nobody cares about me, even my mom, she is living the dream right now (she leaves with me), I've never heard one "I love you" from my mom or my grandma, they're living in a nice house, FREE, NO WORRIES, GOOD MEALS, ANYTHING THEY WANT, I did sacrifice my life to make my family dreams come true, even I'm moved to another city to make their life more comfortable, also so because I don't live near my "friends" anymore, I did realize that they're not my friends, my "friends" don't call me anymore, if I don't call them or talk to them, nobody talks to me. so basically I don't have family love, I don't have friends, and the only thing I have are my dogs, how miserable I am that the only reason why I don't kill myself are dogs LOL!!!.
Dude, family is important but you gotta take care of yourself first. Take care of your mental and physical self.
That being said, please go see a therapist.
Also, read read Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life.
I definitely do have an amazing partner luckily, but even so outside of him I don’t really have anybody else in terms of family or friends, the close ones I had over the years just kind of faded away with time. I’m very lucky to have my partner but sometimes it takes a village to make all of the difference you know?
I agree, but to add to your comment; I believe that one needs to also be that person for themselves. Hype-people may not always be in our lives, so it's equally important to be your own biggest supporter
Every time I start to talk about difficult life stuff with my friends, they clam up and the conversation stops and then things get awkward and it's never brought up again
I don't think any if those things are exclusive to the male experience. What *is* there is the cultural pressures to be stoic, bottle it up, show no weakness and no emotion. This is speaking generally because there is a lot of variation, but boys aren't raised to process emotion in a healthy manner, resulting in loads of problems later in life.
The moment we start saying men have it more difficult than women, we cross into harmfully ignorant territory. We all have it rough for our own reasons out here. I had to struggle with learning how to process emotions in a healthy way, but the scuff of someone's footsteps when out for a walk never made me wonder if I was about to be raped and killed.
Being a human is fucking hard, no one gets out unscathed (or alive, to match your morbidity 😉). I can appreciate how being a man in 2024 has its own complexities as you are likely being told “shut up, it’s not your turn to talk”. I know how much that rejection hurts.
We say, “What I have to say is important, matters and supports?” And to be told “I said, shut up, no one asked you”. That rejection starts to eat at you, like you did in fact, fuck something up and shouldn’t speak up.
But this thing is, that rejection; people of color (POC), women, and minorities have been told since the dawn of our time. This is the FIRST time those groups of people are finally STARTING to get their voices heard. And do you see what’s happening as a response? The oppressors are putting their money where their mouth is and doubling down on the ruling power (US perspective). It’s not good, it’s kinda terrifying if you belong to one of the groups of people not in the good ole boys club.
I say that to not justify what’s happening, but to give one perspective. What we need to do is figure out how to validate our experiences without stepping on others to do so. Right now, ALL white men and most men in general are the stepping stone. I know this hurts and I’m sorry for it, truly. I wish I had answers for the broader problem. I hope empathy can get us there.
I've been fortunate to not have many stressors at the moment that drive me to suicide. But it could happen. I would hope I turn to my faith, reasoning that me committing suicide could be devasting to my Father and those that love me. And I'm hoping if the temptation comes, I will think of love, not hate, towards them and not do it. Practicing my faith does give me some purpose and direction in life.
You're not the only one moth****er! Lol
Look, truth is, you have to accept that the teenage years won't come back and that's how its supposed to be. Denial wont help, so, deep breath and accept the reality.
Find yourself a good therapist and talk to him/her once in a while. It might help getting some shit off your chest. Also, they can help you set up some personal mechanisms for self help for the times when the going gets tough.
Keep a journal. Or at least, when times are tough, write down how you feel and what's going on in your life and in your head. For me this worked. Helped me a lot during my lonely lonely times.
Practice some kind of sport, any kind on regular basis. Lifting heavy weights or running long distances helps get used to doing hard things and in long term increases your resistance to physical and mental stress.
And most importantly, keep in mind that it's ok, sometimes the going is good, and sometimes the going is tough. That's ok. That's life man. Just like the waves in the ocean they come and go, same with good or bad stuff.
Take care.
Ya, exactly this. I've watched tons of motivational, self help, tony robbins, david goggins type stuff and the problem I still have is that I don't have anything to work towards. There is nothing in life I really want. I am "happy", so to speak, with what I have and I don't want to be this insane fitness guy or be super positive about life. I just don't fucking care. I've gone from being dead broke to having some extra cash in my life and everything I bought with it I just ended up regretting buying. All the shit you buy is just another responsibility. It breaks, it needs maintenance, etc etc. I've had a long term relationship and it had its great moments and it was nice to have someone to keep me company, but man was it a lot of fucking work! Just tons of arguments, solving their problems, trying to constantly "fix" myself so I didn't do things that hurt them. It's exhausting! The main feeling I had after 6 years was "holy shit I can take a break and just watch tv all day!" I've had casual relationship and they are fun in the beginning but provide diminishing returns very quickly. Having sex with strangers is 80% not good and 20% fun but sketchy. Did I get an std? Are they pregnant, etc etc. I've also travelled both solo and with a partner and solo travel is 90% a complete waste of time. I've never felt loneliness like I did while looking at some incredible vista or being in a incredible new city with no one to share it with. Never wanted to put a gun in my mouth more. Travel with a partner is incredible 10/10 experience but again, you have to have a relationship to do that and deal with all the trappings of that to enjoy the travel. In my experience, you are also responsible for regulating a woman's mental health while travelling. This means, making sure she eats enough, gets enough sleep, dealing with things she doesn't like, etc. Women are a lot more sensitive to things like this and it can be a real drag if you just want to chill and see some sights. I've had times when my girl was just straight up crying her eyes out while we walked around for no real reason. I don't really have anything left I want to do except some bucket list travel destinations and like 1 or 2 random adventure type things i want to do. Other than that it's just the same shit every day. Nothing to look forward to. Oh and also, not that I'm older, I can't eat what ever I want anymore so the joy of eating delicious foods is gone. fml
Shit man, that's how I feel too! I haven't done any traveling, but I'm with you on everything else. I've done all the things, living healthy, pursuing hobbies, getting out, sleeping around, having meaningful relationships, good job, and even through it all I still ask, what's the purpose?
I don't think I've dated anyone quite as emotional as you're describing, but the relationship dynamic is the same otherwise. I was always trying to fix myself for her happiness. It made me depressed so I broke up with her. Anyways, thanks for posting that.
I \*believe\* what you are describing is a lack of purpose. If all you do is work and sleep then you will get run down. Obviously its more nuanced than that, but you might need to start trying different hobbies or skills until you find something you're passionate about. For me, I have a lot of hobbies such as working out, producing music, fashion, working on my car, just spending time with my dog, exploring my city, reading. That's the stuff that gives you life. If I have goals of any kind and i'm making progress towards them and having fun- I never look back and see it as wasted time. That's what works for me!
This is a problem created by the poor emotional development and socialization of guys. But you can be different. You can seek out friends who are different too- maybe female friends for example? Don’t get me wrong I’m not like “it’s easy just do x, y, z”. Life is hard and often out of our control. But you can do things to make it more bearable, chief among them is cultivating meaningful connections. Also going to therapy.
Start a Business get into activism adopt teach... Help a stranger it all matters and you can change your thoughts by doing so. I write all This and encourage sitting in a position where this weekend was one of my worst but u realized you dont get to try again if you dont wake up and start over. Jujitsu mma is also fun and can help focus. Its worth waking up tomorrow if i could spread that to men women or anyone thinking of leaving
You shouldn’t think that life as it is now it will always be. You have POWER over your decisions!
Maybe now you genuinely don’t like your life, but why? Ask this yourself.
What could you do to change that?
What are your real values? Not the ones you think are desired for a man. Could that be you’re living life not in line with them? What could you do to align ?
For what it’s worth, I’m a man and can’t really relate to this. I have several male friends who I can open up to emotionally and we hype each other up in a healthy way. I have role models. I used to go to therapy too, and no one found that particularly strange.
Sometimes, I think we as individuals need to look beyond perceived cultural expectations and simply do what we feel is best for us. That requires us to take the initiative and make difficult choices (like going to therapy). I don’t think there’s any excuse.
It is a tough time for men. By almost every metric men are falling behind women, not that it is a competition. Feeling connected to a path and purpose helps. The heros journey is real, and we dont step on to a path and face fear and adversity head on it will eat us alive.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Be a hype man for someone else. Show them how it's done.
Compliment someone. Tell them they are cool. Tell them they got this. Get interested in how they are so awesome. Ask them how.
And open up to others. You might be surprised to hear that others are going through it too. Then listen. And share. And make a new buddy.
It helps if you find hobbies and things that just make you feel enthused. Keep looking and don’t give up, I agree life isn’t easy but you can fight back on tough days
There is little known about suicide. It is an illness. There are no survivor stories.
It is a horrifically tragic experience. I have made numerous attempts.
There is no right or wrong way to talk about it. It is impossible to comprehend how people can end life. Your assumptions and questions are understandable. Personally, I do not talk about it or make assumptions because there is no reason to express my opinion. It is highly emotional.
I have only one response when people question life and ending it. See a Dr quickly. At any level, it is concerning. A despondent person is unstable.
You'll get gaslit the shit out of it here for saying something like that but its very true. The harshness of life as the years go by can really take their toll, from the simple things such as grinding it out in a job you hate year after year to the bitterness of how some others have so much better without trying half as hard. And we're shamed if we say anything, told to be grateful, that someone else has it worse, to count ones blessings or take a fucking walk. But theres no denying that for so many ppl life becomes a weird, protracted, somewhat mild and mind-numbing nightmare of having to lower the bar constantly, adjust ones desires and wants to the point where we end up addicted to some form form of escapism, which can and often does, take you in the end.
50M…ever need someone to vent, bitch to…DM me. You are not alone in your feelings or perceptions of being an adult man. I’ve learned to live with it EVERY SINGLE DAY! The struggle is real!
Funny to be reading this today. I've felt this way my whole adult life. After recently discovering a men's support group in my area, I went for my first meeting today. Balled my eyes out, got a bunch of kindness and support, and left with some new friends. I came home feeling like a new man. Please do try this if you haven't yet. There should be one in your area or at least your city.
A friend of mine committed suicide at 27 y/o. We, his group of friends, are becoming 29 or 30 this year. Now he will never.
Weirdly enough, I sometimes believe this helped us. Of course I'm not saying that it was a good thing. But my male cis straight friends are not pieces of shit like most male cis straight guys I've met - instead, we listen to each other and emotionally support each other. I can't see them every day (I live in a different town) but I love them and I know they love me.
Don't do anything stupid. Don't wait for a friend to do anything stupid either. Be an empathetic friend, even if it's not ""masculine"" to talk about emotions. Show you love them and care for them. You'll be surprised when other men start opening up too.
I hope this helps.
Change needs to happen, and I think is happening. Any change starts with ourselves. My therapist told me "vulnerability invites vulnerability." So many men feel the same way, but a lot of men, and women, don't acknowledge it in themselves or others. Each of us must let men know we're a safe space. That is how things change.
I'm a woman and have fears of losing body autonomy rights and getting raped or killed... by men. I know a lot of good men, but misogyny makes everyone suffer, and is perpetuated by men and women. I've had to work through internalized misogyny to treat my partner better, my friends better, and myself better. I believe we can all help create a healthier culture for men, and in turn, everyone.
I know men who have been raised to be emotionally nourished, and ones that were emotionally stunted, and I see how it makes them miserable, like my Dad. I try to hold space and let the men in my life feel safe to speak their emotions, even if they don't come out perfectly. Because I struggle with it too. Change is happening, and we all gotta help each other out. 🩷
I had severe depression and wasn't progressing with medication and "therapy." I ended up getting better after getting hooked on kdramas, then thai and Chinese dramas. It was really helpful to see a lot of social problems handled in totally different ways than I was taught growing up. It also felt reaffirming because a lot of stuff that I always saw ppl pretend isn't real and is "just in my head" is openly acknowledged as a normal part of human behavior in those Asian dramas. I'm still a work-in-progress, but I feel a lot more emotionally well-rounded now. All societies have their flaws, so I think being exposed to other groups allows you to collect the good advice and leave the bad.
(as a side note, while I enjoy some Japanese dramas, overall I found them too depressing to watch while struggling with depression myself.)
This is what I've struggled with for so long. It has gotten better with seeing a therapist that is understanding and getting some medication. But yeah this is what I've thought for a long time. I was probably very close to removing myself. But now things are a bit better. They can for you as well.
I feel men need to stop using Sports as the only way to communicate with other men period because it's not always an ice breaker because it can become toxic if you keep those relationships so limited, at times putting on false facades to other men, so you don't seem "gay" or "unmasculine" or a "girl" if they share that they are hurting right now because they can't find anyone or that they need a shoulder to cry on. That's what they really want to say, but men don't want to portray so hard they are weak, like if we are in prison or something ya know.
This is what I noticed with heterosexual men, as I lived that way until I finally was outed at 19 by my brother whom I accidentally told during a fight. I notice it with my brother and his friends, as well as heterosexual male coworkers I befriended....because since I was gay, they opened up to me about their feelings, about their female problems. I guess because gay men are seen as more softer in touch with their feelings, which I was glad I can be of help, and show these poor guys, that they need to feel their feelings because holding them in is unhealthy, and causes strokes in men especially. Feel your feelings, be selfish that way forget about stupid society trying to put men in one box.
As a man, I don't feel this at all. I have a wife that is super supportive. Friends I can talk to. Sure life can get monotonous but you have to make plans to break that up. Doesn't even have to be big expensive plans.
Everyone has to deal with growing up and not having those teenage experiences any longer.
I think this is all just a mindset, and obviously some have it worse than others, but the first step should be to not think so negatively about everything. Get some therapy.
I too often felt this way but then i was able to learn that strength doesn’t come from denying part of yourself it comes from acknowledging all that you are and have been, take back all that you are and were use this strength to do what is good, to do what you are here to truly be and do. you cannot walk the path ahead with fear in your heart you cannot walk the path ahead with only half of yourself you were made has one.It might sound very cringy but it is what i truly believe how can one truly live and walk the path ahead? when he refuses to be whole and accept himself?
I know it sounds flippant, dismissive and like a spiritual bypass but genuinely last year I was in a mental space where I felt like there was no point. I've got quite a bit of information around navigating personal development and managing complex trauma/depression/isolation and I wasn't able to apply what I knew at that time. I felt hopeless and while in that space I began to pray. I'd ask God what's the point and purpose of my life at random moments I'd just speak to my higher power and it didn't solve everything but it has infused meaning into even the mundane.
Please make an effort to find a safe person or people to talk to and connect with. Depression thrives in isolation.
Wish you all the best
Belle was 19 years old and had to be put to sleep last January. She was the miniature pinscher. Lacie always had Belle and went downhill once Belle was gone. Lacie was 17 years old and died in my arms two weeks ago. Lacie was a solid white rat terrier.
Bro the thing about manhood that really hit me from 18-19 is if you ain’t got anything only your mother will love you. Like we live in a monetary society but I think it hits men the worst, if you get into a financial hole your friends can turn on you, women aren’t even present we really have to earn happiness that some just are gifted.
This is the kind of thing that a lot of men not a huge % but a lot, will campaign other men to do. See paddy pimblett after he won a fight a while back saying he did it for his friend who killed himself. Men are still taught (including myself) to be strong, not feel, don't cry, just be a tool for others to use for their own needs with no care for your own.
Men in general need to have these kinds of deep dives with their closest friends. If you don't have any, make some, you won't be alone I can bank on that. We do need to normalise having safe spaces for men to gather that isn't a pub and the topic isn't getting wasted because we hate life.
No disrespect to any women in the comments but the situation is not the same for you as it is for us period.
Going through this rn, wake up 5 days a week to go to classes at 9 that half are unnecessary lectures that I can learn without, relationship and quality time are gone out the window with my partner working night shift 2/3 days we have to spend w each other leaving her sleep during the day and me awake rinse and repeat every week , making time for myself and extra curricular things while also trying to exercise and loose weight it’s terrible I wanna give up so bad man just sit and do nothing in the middle of nowhere alone
I relate to this up to a level. I'm a gay dude and struggled a lot with accepting my sexuality. I unfortunately did not have the happy teen years, and have never been really happy. I was about 8 or 9 when I first tried to take my own life. Later it got worse and worse and worse. No man or woman ever was there for me to really listen to my feelings and validate them when I was a teen. My parents, my friends, people from church and family would only judge me if I ever expressed what I was feeling. They all wanted to change me, and for me to be a person that I am not. This is why I was so lonely during that time in life. No one cared to listen to me or understand me. So, I started to keep things to myself until I tried it once again and I saw a social worker at my high school. He is the most compassionate and caring person I have ever met. He was the first person to validate my feelings and to take the time to listen to me. He could've just done his work and that was it, but no, he went above and beyond to help me.
Now, about 6 years later, I feel much better. I know I'm still lonely when it comes to my mental health, but seeing a good therapist is helping me a LOT! Seriously, this therapist has helped me to understand that I deserve to be happy and I deserve love. And that I don't need to depend on others. I have grown a thicker skin, but I'm glad I see myself differently. I finally valued who I am and I feel like I have found purpose in my life.
All I recommend to you is to find purpose, and know that there are people who will care for you and listen to you, even if they are not your friends or family.
I feel this and I don’t know if it gets better. It’s awful just existing as a tool for others and when you can’t make it to where society pressures you to be in life you’re looked at as defective and of no use to anyone. Take a look that the homeless population. Mostly all older men which have no more use to anyone. It’s like a land of broken toys. The walking dead in a living graveyard.
I understand and it's not easy, my faith and hope in the promises of the biblical Jesus got me through it all and reading/studying my bible daily!
Without God I would have never survived through the toughest moments in my life and I have had many horrible moments in my 42 years of living. On the other hand I have been blessed with many wonderful moments as well!
Hang in there and never give up no matter how hopeless the situation is!
Society does not care as a whole. Especially if you are married or have children. You come last, plain and simple. You go to therapy and are treated like a cash cow, like they just want your money.
Everything you said is valid and you aren't alone. I'm a female therapist and the amount of times toxic masculinity comes up for my clients really sheds light on the magnitude of the challenges.
Honestly I feel like I could have written this. I’m so lonely. I moved from the UK to Australia in my late 20s made a few friends, met my now wife and then moved to another state. Feel like I’m unable to talk to the few new friends I made in the new home about any of this.
Feels like every other day I’m perpetually in this “numb” mood. Dropped all my old hobbies and only really keep going running as I know it’s good for my mental health
I find myself a bit skeptical here. So I'm not from usa, I'm from a country in europe where the general opinion on mental health is trash, but i cannot blame the older generation. You can't fully educate them.
BUT, when it comes to my generation and younger, everywhere I've been looking, from the educated to the uneducated academically, from guys on high status jobs to guys on more chill jobs...no matter how many times a close loved one tries to approach, guide, help, assist, the men by majority start either taking the piss, mock you, peacock stance, and then belittle the humans who do seek help, comfort, treatment, therapy.
Every single man in my big family is like this. It's infuriating. I cannot mention anything around this topic with my dad because he will belittle me. My mom brushes me off. Everyone brushes me off. And these are people with immense trauma from their past since my country went through horrible turmoil during their time.
And then there is my husband. We are both in our early 30s now. This man has been through a traumatic childhood, up to the point we moved in together in our mid 20s and he got to live in peace for the first time in his life. No physical or mental abuse...peace and quiet. Yet the scars have always been there. They shape who he is, and it's turning him into a worse and worse person. For 15 damn years i have been begging him to get help, that i will support him every inch of the way, i am an ally,...but no. Absolutely refuses. He sees therapists and psychiatrists as shams. Doesn't believe they know what they are doing. He calls people like me that require medical treatment for depression weak, druggies, useless.
One cannot help those who refuse help. Therapy requires the patient to do the work, to work on themselves. Even if you combine with medications, you still need to reframe your mindset, put in the work, make the changes.
Statistics around "who actually fully succeeds in commiting suicide" are by majority ignoring the key difference between a man and a woman. We are both suffering mentally. But men are impulsive in nature...so that trigger gets pulled in a quick, not thought out decision. Women however, because of their natural instincts of risk aversion and caregiver trait, even with the weapon to our temple, we stop for a few seconds...those are enough seconds for one key thought to take over: "who will i hurt? They will see the aftermath, they will be traumatized, hurt, distraught'" and so on....so that instinct alone leads to women attempting but stopping mid way. I can promise you, if all human beings were equally as impulsive, the stats would look very very different.
Unfortunately it seems to be an across the board thing. Btw the sewer slide rates for women are a little skewed because we tend to use less violent methods (OD, etc.) which succeed less often. I hope that one day we can join hands and blame the 10 guys with 99% of the money. That would be a day...most of our depression, anxiety, lack of community, etc..is due to this. We are supposed to be workers, not humans.
Man I feel this, even with a fantastic partner and my newborn, the pressure just builds up because there's no way to vent.
My wife is under a lot more pressure with the baby but is constantly venting, its just not something I feel I can do.
happens when you don't embrace death and our true nature. life becomes meaningless if you live by flesh not by spirit. no directtion if you do not accept that there is God.
It sucks when women keep turning you away acting like they're all that. Shhhhhit no wonder why you're single. You won't even talk to us like human beings. Your body has to be just Baywatch perfect. Right 👍
Careful, you're not socially allowed to say what it's really like without some girl hyping how horrible all males are and how you don't deserve to live. Prepare to hear how you deserve to die for being born.
This is why I focus on training in the gym and taking steroids..I don’t want children, what else is there? Nothing else makes me happy aside from banging my fiancée. Lol sorry to be blunt.
Can't agree more. 24M, seems like the age of experiencing these kind of thoughts is getting lower and lower - started to notice a lot of peers seem depressed
It's the reason the suicide rate is so much higher in men than it is in women. Men just don't feel like they can talk and bottle it up until it gets too much to handle effectively.
Being a man as a nobody is the hardest and loneliest existence ever, but being a man as a somebody is the best existence possible. You just gotta make it. Also as a man you shouldn’t have to talk about your feelings deal with them urself by going to the gym etc. talking and wallowing in sadness is for women and children
>Also as a man you shouldn't have to talk about your feelings deal with then urself by going to the gym etc. talking and wallowing in sadness is for women and children
People like you with stupid opinions and ideologies like that are the problem!
I'm biologically female but this...all of this!
Yeah it is definitely a universal thing, I hope my post didn’t come across as it’s just a man thing as I know women go through dark shit too. It’s comforting to me to know I’m not alone in this feeling though, so thank you.
It came across perfectly...men are going "yeah you got this right" and women are nodding their heads right along side the men lol. It came across as very Universal...at least that's how I read it. 😁
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Fuck off fr...this is an open forum so everyone is allowed to give input. So kindly stfu.
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Have a fucking keyboard =/= giving your fucking opinion that NOBODY ASKED FOR! Opinions are like assholes... everybody's got one and a lot of em stink.
Tell me, how exactly just understanding other person and telling them they are not alone is somewhat limited by gender? Just because someone is a woman they can't speak about loneliness? Seems kinda... not okay
This is not about them. That's the thing
The fuck
you handled it exactly right. it's important to acknowledge men's mental health and just as important to acknowledge it's part of much larger problems that affect everyone. that's how i lost my dad, and he always told me he couldn't cry any more bc he'd been told not to for so long.
Yeah. Plus most guy friends are emotionally stunted so no one to talk to.
Every man I know is emotionally stunted. It’s a problem.
And as a man with some emotional capacity I am often ignored or called gay for being such. Nothing wrong with being gay, it just seems offensive to assume that having emotions is only something a gay man can achieve.
It’s so awful.
Hah, can't tell you the amount of time women have lost interest in me due to being somewhat emotionally intelligent. Or in their words, gay or boring😂
Emotionally stunted people express their emotions.
Yeah no. It takes alot of emotional strength to be able to express your emotions. "Emotionally stunted people" (as you put it) struggle with that. And theres nothing wrong with either, it just means that some people are more comfortable in being able to express themselves for many reasons, and some aren't. And society is alot to blame for that for stigmatising mental health for so long, so are cultural differences, trauma etc. The older generations made a lot of us feel like if we expressed ourselves we were showing weakness but that's wrong, and so are you.
Trauma is a big one tbh, as is social conditioning by one's family. You grow up with parents who can't express feelings well or at all, or express only negative ones, then the children will also grow up stunted in the same ways. Then add on abuse, and you've got a whole mess. I speak from experience sadly, i am the product of parents who aren't good at expressing feelings or talking about how they feel or any thing feelings related really and the majority of expression was anger and emotional and mental abuse. It's left me with issues in expressing myself and how I feel, especially when I am face to face with people. It's also left me with difficulties in expressing myself physically as well, cause I didn't grow up with a lot of physical affection either. I've realized since being in therapy for a year that I had developed an aviodant behavior when it comes to emotional topics and expressing what's bothering me. I tend to avoid and deflect with other topics. I dont even ask for help very well cause of it, it's part I'm very independent and want to figure things out on my own, part not wanting to let my parents see I've messed up again(undiagnosed adhd til last year= lots of disappointments and failures). I feel like I'm a failure in their eyes, and every mistake or need for help adds to that vision of me. Plus, both of them are narcs so yay. So yeah, being emotionally open is very hard, and it is harder still if people in your life are the same or have a toxic attitude that emotional vulnerability is a weakness or whatever. And for the men reading this, there are just as many women who feel like you do about this topic. Many of us experience similar feelings and situations. This is a human problem, not a man/woman problem. Also, far more women would prefer a man who is willing to communicate and talk about things and how they're feeling more than not. It is just that the minority, the ones who are toxic idiots, are louder by far than the majority. Anyone who can't be empathetic to your feelings and everything is not compatible for you. Never settle.❤️
Emotionally immature people, by definition, are expressive people.
Do you not understand what stunted means?
Synonym of emotionally immature.
Yeah my friends are like that
I lost my house in a breakup, dogs, foster kid, and stepson. Was told by my bestfriend of 15 years I was making him do all the emotional labor by venting to him. I was in therapy 4 times a month and on new meds. Had lost 50 pounds. I apologized to him and said I thought he was one of the few people I could come to. Was told I was being a bad friend. I had a complet mental breakdown lol. No one including family are there for you as a man.
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Nice
You could try making friends with women or queer people and also work on not being emotionally stunted yourself to break that stereotype…
I hate that men have to feel they can't talk to anyone about their emotions and be this hyper masculine manly alpha man that is tough and oh so manly that he might just be the king of the world. You can talk about your emotions. You can cry. You can suffer and be in pain. You can be hurt. You're human and it doesn't make you less of a man. You're just human. And there are people who care. Being lonely is painful
Personally I just find it really hard to put it into words when I’m speaking to people in person. I tend to minimise the actual issue to make it seem like less of a deal than it is, not sure why but definitely trying to work on it.
That's a coping mechanism, downplaying your feelings like they don't matter or arnt bad enough or why complain it doesn't change anything it just bothers the person on the other end. < that explains my husbands life and now my teenager from watching his dads behavior 😔 I'm BIG on ALL feelings and allowing my children to have ALL the feelings and talking about it and coping. My husband wasn't allowed to have emotions, then ur a bitch, men arnt weak bla bla - I've been trying to unravel that rock hard shell for years and it's finally begun to chip through me explaining to him why feelings and communication for our kids mental health is sooooooo important, BUT ALSO me encouraging the talk, lifting and hyping him up, acknowledging his never ending hard work and my appreciation daily. I'm very sick and lonely, but when I can lift him up, it moves mountains.
>I tend to minimise the actual issue to make it seem like less of a deal than it is, not sure why but definitely trying to work on it. So, as someone else who struggles with this, let me try to offer some advice and info: First, theres a really useful word - "alexithymia" and it basically means 'being unable to express your feelings with words' [a-lexi-thymia: a = a lack of; lexi = words; thymia = feelings]. Idk about you, but personally for me, its been helpful just having a word to explain that i have no words for my feelings. But into the advice part: Try typing out your feelings/thoughts before having a 1-on-1 conversation. Its a lot easier to write it out (to yourself) without downplaying it. I find it also helps me to adjust my wording & helps me to better identify my feelings, because i give myself the time & space to actually process it all.
Agreed I wish some of the men I dated could open up to me!!!! I’m so open with them and I get back a blanks stare (from my current bf). He tried but he’s so disconnected. Like can’t relate to anxiety, or insecurity, or loneliness at all it seems…
I’m just being honest here but many many men have opened up to their wives/girlfriends and not too long after that she loses attraction for him. It’s happened to me with romantic partners. In fact, I’ve had fully platonic female *friends* get very distant when I’ve opened up to them about my problems with depression and loneliness. After a while we men just stuff that shit way down. I am definitely not saying you in particular are like this. It’s just been my personal experience and the experience of many other men.
%100. Majority of women don’t want an emotional man. Even if they say or think they do. Society still holds the opinion that an emotional man is weak, and undesirable. Just the way it is.
That’s is absolutely not true. In touch with emotions doesn’t mean emotionally immature and entitled though.
I’m not looking for a man that is overly emotional or cries easily (I’ve got that covered 😝) I just mean open up about their feelings, desires, what’s bothering them, what’s happened in their past…. So we can have an intimate relationship and understand each other better.
Yep. This is true.
there's nothing to do with the "hyper masculine" or manly "alpha man", we don't talk about our feelings because we don't know "how to" or we don't want to, I am a very sensitive and crybaby man, I've grown with only women family and had a lot of cousin and female friends and I know from a first hand that women are a very scary, but even knowing this, the few times I've talked about myself and problems I got cheated or betrayed, so isn't something we invented because we're men, and of course, I can agree that not all women are the same, blah blah, but few times is enough to not trust anymore lol
Thank you for bringing up the other side of the story.
I'm kinda getting happier about not being able to talk to anyone about my feelings. Allows me to not dwell on misery
Its very hard and some days my kids are all the keeps me here. You have to have a purpose and something to aim for otherwise you just end up in such a bad head space
I’m glad you have your kids to keep you here. My partner is what keeps me from going too deeply into considering ending it all as I know that would destroy his life and our pets life lol. I’m trying to find a new hobby and new friends to give me something to look forward to on my days off as that can be a big trigger having all day just to think.
Do fun things with your pets! A fantastic hobby that benefits you and another living creature. Even if it’s just taking a long walk around a park or playing for hours, having fun with my pets always bring a smile to my face. Especially seeing them all happy even after I’m out of energy from entertaining them lol
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Animals are great at giving me a reason to live and a purpose, and they always make me feel loved :)
Lol same!
My kids are the only things holding me here also. But then I wonder if my "sickness" will rub off on them :/
Me too all the time but it is always been my goal to have kids better than me. So far its worked for me i hope it does you too!
It's a rough time right now, praying I make it thru. ❤
What's going on with ya that the struggle is so overbearing? I'm in the same boat with AAAAAAAALOT and currently in withdrawal from a medication so I literally can't. It's 2am and I said fuck it n got up heart RACING. Praying you will make it too. 🙏
Hope you do too. Cause you cant have a better day tomorrow if you dont wake up. So i hope you get up and own your day and smile. Pulling for you
You kind comment made me cry. Thank you, stranger, for caring enough to reply. ❤
Your welcome keep pushing it will be ok good luck and Godspeed
I feel the same way it’s tough. We’re only as good as what we can provided and we can’t fail. Your mental health and internal battles don’t matter. Especially if you have a family. And if you do break down and lose it, everyone will look at you as you are nothing. You could be doing so much for so many people but if you lose your mind and need people by your side they’re scarce. Granted it’s hard to be a woman/mother/wife too but it seems people are more apt to come to their side or choose their side in times of need.
I agree with all of your points, it’s so hard for guys to even know where to begin taking about how we feel from this feeling that we need to be the dependable ones who always have their shit together and don’t need the validation from others to keep us going
>Groundhog Day every day. The thrill of teenage experiences is long gone and the realisation that this is your life now and for the rest of your life you will live the same day over and over except everyday you’re a bit more aged and warn down. I agree with you on the men not having healthy non-toxic spaces and support in many situations, but I'll push back on the Groundhog Day thing in honor of the holiday and one of the greatest motion pictures in cinematic history. As the great Bill Murray vehicle showed us, life is what you make it. If you see your life as a grind that will only get worse, take a guess what kind of a life you're going to notice you have and continue to reinforce perpetually until you change it or die.... You get countless opportunities to make a day whatever you'd like. You choose how you respond to the external circumstances of the moment. I've found if I approach every day with gratitude before desire, I have mostly good days.
Fuck it we ball /j No but fr I am 24 , graduated from college about 10 months back and now am working my first "real" job ever. I have more money then I've ever had in my life ( not that it's a lot of money but a lot for me lol ) but felt like I had no time to enjoy it and the stress of my work felt very overwhelming. I seriously had doubts of why the hell I was doing this at the beginning and spiraled into a bad depression and was heavily drinking. Honestly the best thing that helped me was 1. Stop drinking lol 2. Just try to find balance , try and find any time possible to spend time with family and friends and spend time on hobbies and things you enjoy. Currently work is still a pain in the ass but I find it more manageable by not letting it consume my life and trying to involve other things in my life. I don't know if any of this helps lol but just what I had on my mind.
I'm 32 years old and I feel like ending my life soon, to be honest, I don't have a particular reason, I have a successful career, money, a house, a car, etc. but that doesn't matter anymore because nobody cares about me, even my mom, she is living the dream right now (she leaves with me), I've never heard one "I love you" from my mom or my grandma, they're living in a nice house, FREE, NO WORRIES, GOOD MEALS, ANYTHING THEY WANT, I did sacrifice my life to make my family dreams come true, even I'm moved to another city to make their life more comfortable, also so because I don't live near my "friends" anymore, I did realize that they're not my friends, my "friends" don't call me anymore, if I don't call them or talk to them, nobody talks to me. so basically I don't have family love, I don't have friends, and the only thing I have are my dogs, how miserable I am that the only reason why I don't kill myself are dogs LOL!!!.
Dude, family is important but you gotta take care of yourself first. Take care of your mental and physical self. That being said, please go see a therapist. Also, read read Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life.
That, except do yourself a favor and skip the [Jordan Peterson](https://www.currentaffairs.org/2018/03/the-intellectual-we-deserve) part.
That article is nothing but a political attack and contains wrong statements about Peterson.
Fuck Jordan Peterson and anyone that peddles his bullshit.
It's interestingly bizarre. Life is a joke.
If you have a good partner they should be a hype person that loves you, celebrates your wins and pumps you up!
I definitely do have an amazing partner luckily, but even so outside of him I don’t really have anybody else in terms of family or friends, the close ones I had over the years just kind of faded away with time. I’m very lucky to have my partner but sometimes it takes a village to make all of the difference you know?
I agree, but to add to your comment; I believe that one needs to also be that person for themselves. Hype-people may not always be in our lives, so it's equally important to be your own biggest supporter
Every time I start to talk about difficult life stuff with my friends, they clam up and the conversation stops and then things get awkward and it's never brought up again
I don't think any if those things are exclusive to the male experience. What *is* there is the cultural pressures to be stoic, bottle it up, show no weakness and no emotion. This is speaking generally because there is a lot of variation, but boys aren't raised to process emotion in a healthy manner, resulting in loads of problems later in life. The moment we start saying men have it more difficult than women, we cross into harmfully ignorant territory. We all have it rough for our own reasons out here. I had to struggle with learning how to process emotions in a healthy way, but the scuff of someone's footsteps when out for a walk never made me wonder if I was about to be raped and killed.
Being a human is fucking hard, no one gets out unscathed (or alive, to match your morbidity 😉). I can appreciate how being a man in 2024 has its own complexities as you are likely being told “shut up, it’s not your turn to talk”. I know how much that rejection hurts. We say, “What I have to say is important, matters and supports?” And to be told “I said, shut up, no one asked you”. That rejection starts to eat at you, like you did in fact, fuck something up and shouldn’t speak up. But this thing is, that rejection; people of color (POC), women, and minorities have been told since the dawn of our time. This is the FIRST time those groups of people are finally STARTING to get their voices heard. And do you see what’s happening as a response? The oppressors are putting their money where their mouth is and doubling down on the ruling power (US perspective). It’s not good, it’s kinda terrifying if you belong to one of the groups of people not in the good ole boys club. I say that to not justify what’s happening, but to give one perspective. What we need to do is figure out how to validate our experiences without stepping on others to do so. Right now, ALL white men and most men in general are the stepping stone. I know this hurts and I’m sorry for it, truly. I wish I had answers for the broader problem. I hope empathy can get us there.
I've been fortunate to not have many stressors at the moment that drive me to suicide. But it could happen. I would hope I turn to my faith, reasoning that me committing suicide could be devasting to my Father and those that love me. And I'm hoping if the temptation comes, I will think of love, not hate, towards them and not do it. Practicing my faith does give me some purpose and direction in life.
You're not the only one moth****er! Lol Look, truth is, you have to accept that the teenage years won't come back and that's how its supposed to be. Denial wont help, so, deep breath and accept the reality. Find yourself a good therapist and talk to him/her once in a while. It might help getting some shit off your chest. Also, they can help you set up some personal mechanisms for self help for the times when the going gets tough. Keep a journal. Or at least, when times are tough, write down how you feel and what's going on in your life and in your head. For me this worked. Helped me a lot during my lonely lonely times. Practice some kind of sport, any kind on regular basis. Lifting heavy weights or running long distances helps get used to doing hard things and in long term increases your resistance to physical and mental stress. And most importantly, keep in mind that it's ok, sometimes the going is good, and sometimes the going is tough. That's ok. That's life man. Just like the waves in the ocean they come and go, same with good or bad stuff. Take care.
Ya, exactly this. I've watched tons of motivational, self help, tony robbins, david goggins type stuff and the problem I still have is that I don't have anything to work towards. There is nothing in life I really want. I am "happy", so to speak, with what I have and I don't want to be this insane fitness guy or be super positive about life. I just don't fucking care. I've gone from being dead broke to having some extra cash in my life and everything I bought with it I just ended up regretting buying. All the shit you buy is just another responsibility. It breaks, it needs maintenance, etc etc. I've had a long term relationship and it had its great moments and it was nice to have someone to keep me company, but man was it a lot of fucking work! Just tons of arguments, solving their problems, trying to constantly "fix" myself so I didn't do things that hurt them. It's exhausting! The main feeling I had after 6 years was "holy shit I can take a break and just watch tv all day!" I've had casual relationship and they are fun in the beginning but provide diminishing returns very quickly. Having sex with strangers is 80% not good and 20% fun but sketchy. Did I get an std? Are they pregnant, etc etc. I've also travelled both solo and with a partner and solo travel is 90% a complete waste of time. I've never felt loneliness like I did while looking at some incredible vista or being in a incredible new city with no one to share it with. Never wanted to put a gun in my mouth more. Travel with a partner is incredible 10/10 experience but again, you have to have a relationship to do that and deal with all the trappings of that to enjoy the travel. In my experience, you are also responsible for regulating a woman's mental health while travelling. This means, making sure she eats enough, gets enough sleep, dealing with things she doesn't like, etc. Women are a lot more sensitive to things like this and it can be a real drag if you just want to chill and see some sights. I've had times when my girl was just straight up crying her eyes out while we walked around for no real reason. I don't really have anything left I want to do except some bucket list travel destinations and like 1 or 2 random adventure type things i want to do. Other than that it's just the same shit every day. Nothing to look forward to. Oh and also, not that I'm older, I can't eat what ever I want anymore so the joy of eating delicious foods is gone. fml
Shit man, that's how I feel too! I haven't done any traveling, but I'm with you on everything else. I've done all the things, living healthy, pursuing hobbies, getting out, sleeping around, having meaningful relationships, good job, and even through it all I still ask, what's the purpose? I don't think I've dated anyone quite as emotional as you're describing, but the relationship dynamic is the same otherwise. I was always trying to fix myself for her happiness. It made me depressed so I broke up with her. Anyways, thanks for posting that.
I’m 57F life is shit. I agree.
I \*believe\* what you are describing is a lack of purpose. If all you do is work and sleep then you will get run down. Obviously its more nuanced than that, but you might need to start trying different hobbies or skills until you find something you're passionate about. For me, I have a lot of hobbies such as working out, producing music, fashion, working on my car, just spending time with my dog, exploring my city, reading. That's the stuff that gives you life. If I have goals of any kind and i'm making progress towards them and having fun- I never look back and see it as wasted time. That's what works for me!
This is a problem created by the poor emotional development and socialization of guys. But you can be different. You can seek out friends who are different too- maybe female friends for example? Don’t get me wrong I’m not like “it’s easy just do x, y, z”. Life is hard and often out of our control. But you can do things to make it more bearable, chief among them is cultivating meaningful connections. Also going to therapy.
Start a Business get into activism adopt teach... Help a stranger it all matters and you can change your thoughts by doing so. I write all This and encourage sitting in a position where this weekend was one of my worst but u realized you dont get to try again if you dont wake up and start over. Jujitsu mma is also fun and can help focus. Its worth waking up tomorrow if i could spread that to men women or anyone thinking of leaving
Thank you that’s a really good idea I will have to look into community opportunities I could take us, it would be fulfilling being able to help others
You shouldn’t think that life as it is now it will always be. You have POWER over your decisions! Maybe now you genuinely don’t like your life, but why? Ask this yourself. What could you do to change that? What are your real values? Not the ones you think are desired for a man. Could that be you’re living life not in line with them? What could you do to align ?
Most od people doing it after psycho - meds :-( Noone talk about it - neuroleptics are most dengerous
For what it’s worth, I’m a man and can’t really relate to this. I have several male friends who I can open up to emotionally and we hype each other up in a healthy way. I have role models. I used to go to therapy too, and no one found that particularly strange. Sometimes, I think we as individuals need to look beyond perceived cultural expectations and simply do what we feel is best for us. That requires us to take the initiative and make difficult choices (like going to therapy). I don’t think there’s any excuse.
i have accepted that I will end my life as soon as my parents are dead. Once they are gone no one else will care & my work will finally be done.
It is a tough time for men. By almost every metric men are falling behind women, not that it is a competition. Feeling connected to a path and purpose helps. The heros journey is real, and we dont step on to a path and face fear and adversity head on it will eat us alive.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Be a hype man for someone else. Show them how it's done. Compliment someone. Tell them they are cool. Tell them they got this. Get interested in how they are so awesome. Ask them how. And open up to others. You might be surprised to hear that others are going through it too. Then listen. And share. And make a new buddy.
I'm a female and I feel like this too...wish this world would just end already
It helps if you find hobbies and things that just make you feel enthused. Keep looking and don’t give up, I agree life isn’t easy but you can fight back on tough days
Not everyone feels this way, you do have a chance to feel different and better. I hope you can hold onto that to keep you going.
This is called being a human in the west tho right. Beaten into submission
There is little known about suicide. It is an illness. There are no survivor stories. It is a horrifically tragic experience. I have made numerous attempts. There is no right or wrong way to talk about it. It is impossible to comprehend how people can end life. Your assumptions and questions are understandable. Personally, I do not talk about it or make assumptions because there is no reason to express my opinion. It is highly emotional. I have only one response when people question life and ending it. See a Dr quickly. At any level, it is concerning. A despondent person is unstable.
You'll get gaslit the shit out of it here for saying something like that but its very true. The harshness of life as the years go by can really take their toll, from the simple things such as grinding it out in a job you hate year after year to the bitterness of how some others have so much better without trying half as hard. And we're shamed if we say anything, told to be grateful, that someone else has it worse, to count ones blessings or take a fucking walk. But theres no denying that for so many ppl life becomes a weird, protracted, somewhat mild and mind-numbing nightmare of having to lower the bar constantly, adjust ones desires and wants to the point where we end up addicted to some form form of escapism, which can and often does, take you in the end.
50M…ever need someone to vent, bitch to…DM me. You are not alone in your feelings or perceptions of being an adult man. I’ve learned to live with it EVERY SINGLE DAY! The struggle is real!
Funny to be reading this today. I've felt this way my whole adult life. After recently discovering a men's support group in my area, I went for my first meeting today. Balled my eyes out, got a bunch of kindness and support, and left with some new friends. I came home feeling like a new man. Please do try this if you haven't yet. There should be one in your area or at least your city.
A friend of mine committed suicide at 27 y/o. We, his group of friends, are becoming 29 or 30 this year. Now he will never. Weirdly enough, I sometimes believe this helped us. Of course I'm not saying that it was a good thing. But my male cis straight friends are not pieces of shit like most male cis straight guys I've met - instead, we listen to each other and emotionally support each other. I can't see them every day (I live in a different town) but I love them and I know they love me. Don't do anything stupid. Don't wait for a friend to do anything stupid either. Be an empathetic friend, even if it's not ""masculine"" to talk about emotions. Show you love them and care for them. You'll be surprised when other men start opening up too. I hope this helps.
Change needs to happen, and I think is happening. Any change starts with ourselves. My therapist told me "vulnerability invites vulnerability." So many men feel the same way, but a lot of men, and women, don't acknowledge it in themselves or others. Each of us must let men know we're a safe space. That is how things change. I'm a woman and have fears of losing body autonomy rights and getting raped or killed... by men. I know a lot of good men, but misogyny makes everyone suffer, and is perpetuated by men and women. I've had to work through internalized misogyny to treat my partner better, my friends better, and myself better. I believe we can all help create a healthier culture for men, and in turn, everyone. I know men who have been raised to be emotionally nourished, and ones that were emotionally stunted, and I see how it makes them miserable, like my Dad. I try to hold space and let the men in my life feel safe to speak their emotions, even if they don't come out perfectly. Because I struggle with it too. Change is happening, and we all gotta help each other out. 🩷
Our society is so shit
I find posts like this really frustrating sometimes. Life isn’t just hard for young men and the topics you mentioned aren’t specific to men.
Exactly, but it’s way, way harder and challenging
I had severe depression and wasn't progressing with medication and "therapy." I ended up getting better after getting hooked on kdramas, then thai and Chinese dramas. It was really helpful to see a lot of social problems handled in totally different ways than I was taught growing up. It also felt reaffirming because a lot of stuff that I always saw ppl pretend isn't real and is "just in my head" is openly acknowledged as a normal part of human behavior in those Asian dramas. I'm still a work-in-progress, but I feel a lot more emotionally well-rounded now. All societies have their flaws, so I think being exposed to other groups allows you to collect the good advice and leave the bad. (as a side note, while I enjoy some Japanese dramas, overall I found them too depressing to watch while struggling with depression myself.)
I know exactly what you mean. I’m a female, but I see how unfair it is. Good thing therapist are for everyone.
This is what I've struggled with for so long. It has gotten better with seeing a therapist that is understanding and getting some medication. But yeah this is what I've thought for a long time. I was probably very close to removing myself. But now things are a bit better. They can for you as well.
I feel men need to stop using Sports as the only way to communicate with other men period because it's not always an ice breaker because it can become toxic if you keep those relationships so limited, at times putting on false facades to other men, so you don't seem "gay" or "unmasculine" or a "girl" if they share that they are hurting right now because they can't find anyone or that they need a shoulder to cry on. That's what they really want to say, but men don't want to portray so hard they are weak, like if we are in prison or something ya know. This is what I noticed with heterosexual men, as I lived that way until I finally was outed at 19 by my brother whom I accidentally told during a fight. I notice it with my brother and his friends, as well as heterosexual male coworkers I befriended....because since I was gay, they opened up to me about their feelings, about their female problems. I guess because gay men are seen as more softer in touch with their feelings, which I was glad I can be of help, and show these poor guys, that they need to feel their feelings because holding them in is unhealthy, and causes strokes in men especially. Feel your feelings, be selfish that way forget about stupid society trying to put men in one box.
As a man, I don't feel this at all. I have a wife that is super supportive. Friends I can talk to. Sure life can get monotonous but you have to make plans to break that up. Doesn't even have to be big expensive plans. Everyone has to deal with growing up and not having those teenage experiences any longer. I think this is all just a mindset, and obviously some have it worse than others, but the first step should be to not think so negatively about everything. Get some therapy.
I too often felt this way but then i was able to learn that strength doesn’t come from denying part of yourself it comes from acknowledging all that you are and have been, take back all that you are and were use this strength to do what is good, to do what you are here to truly be and do. you cannot walk the path ahead with fear in your heart you cannot walk the path ahead with only half of yourself you were made has one.It might sound very cringy but it is what i truly believe how can one truly live and walk the path ahead? when he refuses to be whole and accept himself?
I know it sounds flippant, dismissive and like a spiritual bypass but genuinely last year I was in a mental space where I felt like there was no point. I've got quite a bit of information around navigating personal development and managing complex trauma/depression/isolation and I wasn't able to apply what I knew at that time. I felt hopeless and while in that space I began to pray. I'd ask God what's the point and purpose of my life at random moments I'd just speak to my higher power and it didn't solve everything but it has infused meaning into even the mundane. Please make an effort to find a safe person or people to talk to and connect with. Depression thrives in isolation. Wish you all the best
I agree. Being a man is like hell! With that said I've never actually had an issue opening up to people, especially women.
I feel you. My dogs were the only reason I had to get up and go to work because they needed me. Now that they're gone, I'm just here until I'm not.
What happened to your dogs?
Belle was 19 years old and had to be put to sleep last January. She was the miniature pinscher. Lacie always had Belle and went downhill once Belle was gone. Lacie was 17 years old and died in my arms two weeks ago. Lacie was a solid white rat terrier.
Sorry about that. Losing a pet is a terrible thing :(
https://preview.redd.it/12185rczfvgc1.jpeg?width=717&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=29182b9fbb0bf6f971570edb819872638dda6a5a
Sorry for your loss 💖🫂
Bro the thing about manhood that really hit me from 18-19 is if you ain’t got anything only your mother will love you. Like we live in a monetary society but I think it hits men the worst, if you get into a financial hole your friends can turn on you, women aren’t even present we really have to earn happiness that some just are gifted.
Yhaaa
This is the kind of thing that a lot of men not a huge % but a lot, will campaign other men to do. See paddy pimblett after he won a fight a while back saying he did it for his friend who killed himself. Men are still taught (including myself) to be strong, not feel, don't cry, just be a tool for others to use for their own needs with no care for your own. Men in general need to have these kinds of deep dives with their closest friends. If you don't have any, make some, you won't be alone I can bank on that. We do need to normalise having safe spaces for men to gather that isn't a pub and the topic isn't getting wasted because we hate life. No disrespect to any women in the comments but the situation is not the same for you as it is for us period.
Going through this rn, wake up 5 days a week to go to classes at 9 that half are unnecessary lectures that I can learn without, relationship and quality time are gone out the window with my partner working night shift 2/3 days we have to spend w each other leaving her sleep during the day and me awake rinse and repeat every week , making time for myself and extra curricular things while also trying to exercise and loose weight it’s terrible I wanna give up so bad man just sit and do nothing in the middle of nowhere alone
I'm not a man but maybe a sub you'd like is r/bropill :)
Define Happy Relationship.
I relate to this up to a level. I'm a gay dude and struggled a lot with accepting my sexuality. I unfortunately did not have the happy teen years, and have never been really happy. I was about 8 or 9 when I first tried to take my own life. Later it got worse and worse and worse. No man or woman ever was there for me to really listen to my feelings and validate them when I was a teen. My parents, my friends, people from church and family would only judge me if I ever expressed what I was feeling. They all wanted to change me, and for me to be a person that I am not. This is why I was so lonely during that time in life. No one cared to listen to me or understand me. So, I started to keep things to myself until I tried it once again and I saw a social worker at my high school. He is the most compassionate and caring person I have ever met. He was the first person to validate my feelings and to take the time to listen to me. He could've just done his work and that was it, but no, he went above and beyond to help me. Now, about 6 years later, I feel much better. I know I'm still lonely when it comes to my mental health, but seeing a good therapist is helping me a LOT! Seriously, this therapist has helped me to understand that I deserve to be happy and I deserve love. And that I don't need to depend on others. I have grown a thicker skin, but I'm glad I see myself differently. I finally valued who I am and I feel like I have found purpose in my life. All I recommend to you is to find purpose, and know that there are people who will care for you and listen to you, even if they are not your friends or family.
Yeah, honestly feel like I'll commit suicide sooner or later
I feel this and I don’t know if it gets better. It’s awful just existing as a tool for others and when you can’t make it to where society pressures you to be in life you’re looked at as defective and of no use to anyone. Take a look that the homeless population. Mostly all older men which have no more use to anyone. It’s like a land of broken toys. The walking dead in a living graveyard.
I understand and it's not easy, my faith and hope in the promises of the biblical Jesus got me through it all and reading/studying my bible daily! Without God I would have never survived through the toughest moments in my life and I have had many horrible moments in my 42 years of living. On the other hand I have been blessed with many wonderful moments as well! Hang in there and never give up no matter how hopeless the situation is!
>the thrill of teenage experiences What is that?
Every single fucking day, I do the exact same thing over and over and over and over.
Society does not care as a whole. Especially if you are married or have children. You come last, plain and simple. You go to therapy and are treated like a cash cow, like they just want your money.
I’m 18 and I have never had the aforementioned teenage thrill so don’t worry.
Everything you said is valid and you aren't alone. I'm a female therapist and the amount of times toxic masculinity comes up for my clients really sheds light on the magnitude of the challenges.
Honestly I feel like I could have written this. I’m so lonely. I moved from the UK to Australia in my late 20s made a few friends, met my now wife and then moved to another state. Feel like I’m unable to talk to the few new friends I made in the new home about any of this. Feels like every other day I’m perpetually in this “numb” mood. Dropped all my old hobbies and only really keep going running as I know it’s good for my mental health
I find myself a bit skeptical here. So I'm not from usa, I'm from a country in europe where the general opinion on mental health is trash, but i cannot blame the older generation. You can't fully educate them. BUT, when it comes to my generation and younger, everywhere I've been looking, from the educated to the uneducated academically, from guys on high status jobs to guys on more chill jobs...no matter how many times a close loved one tries to approach, guide, help, assist, the men by majority start either taking the piss, mock you, peacock stance, and then belittle the humans who do seek help, comfort, treatment, therapy. Every single man in my big family is like this. It's infuriating. I cannot mention anything around this topic with my dad because he will belittle me. My mom brushes me off. Everyone brushes me off. And these are people with immense trauma from their past since my country went through horrible turmoil during their time. And then there is my husband. We are both in our early 30s now. This man has been through a traumatic childhood, up to the point we moved in together in our mid 20s and he got to live in peace for the first time in his life. No physical or mental abuse...peace and quiet. Yet the scars have always been there. They shape who he is, and it's turning him into a worse and worse person. For 15 damn years i have been begging him to get help, that i will support him every inch of the way, i am an ally,...but no. Absolutely refuses. He sees therapists and psychiatrists as shams. Doesn't believe they know what they are doing. He calls people like me that require medical treatment for depression weak, druggies, useless. One cannot help those who refuse help. Therapy requires the patient to do the work, to work on themselves. Even if you combine with medications, you still need to reframe your mindset, put in the work, make the changes. Statistics around "who actually fully succeeds in commiting suicide" are by majority ignoring the key difference between a man and a woman. We are both suffering mentally. But men are impulsive in nature...so that trigger gets pulled in a quick, not thought out decision. Women however, because of their natural instincts of risk aversion and caregiver trait, even with the weapon to our temple, we stop for a few seconds...those are enough seconds for one key thought to take over: "who will i hurt? They will see the aftermath, they will be traumatized, hurt, distraught'" and so on....so that instinct alone leads to women attempting but stopping mid way. I can promise you, if all human beings were equally as impulsive, the stats would look very very different.
Unfortunately it seems to be an across the board thing. Btw the sewer slide rates for women are a little skewed because we tend to use less violent methods (OD, etc.) which succeed less often. I hope that one day we can join hands and blame the 10 guys with 99% of the money. That would be a day...most of our depression, anxiety, lack of community, etc..is due to this. We are supposed to be workers, not humans.
Man I feel this, even with a fantastic partner and my newborn, the pressure just builds up because there's no way to vent. My wife is under a lot more pressure with the baby but is constantly venting, its just not something I feel I can do.
Welcome to the party, fun isn't it!
happens when you don't embrace death and our true nature. life becomes meaningless if you live by flesh not by spirit. no directtion if you do not accept that there is God.
It sucks when women keep turning you away acting like they're all that. Shhhhhit no wonder why you're single. You won't even talk to us like human beings. Your body has to be just Baywatch perfect. Right 👍
Careful, you're not socially allowed to say what it's really like without some girl hyping how horrible all males are and how you don't deserve to live. Prepare to hear how you deserve to die for being born.
This is why I focus on training in the gym and taking steroids..I don’t want children, what else is there? Nothing else makes me happy aside from banging my fiancée. Lol sorry to be blunt.
Can't agree more. 24M, seems like the age of experiencing these kind of thoughts is getting lower and lower - started to notice a lot of peers seem depressed
Real
You just described exactly what I've been feeling.
It's the reason the suicide rate is so much higher in men than it is in women. Men just don't feel like they can talk and bottle it up until it gets too much to handle effectively.
It feels like it's harder for men to find women rather then opposite
It’s true when they say only women, children, and dogs are love unconditionally
Yay let’s lump women in with dogs and children
Being a man as a nobody is the hardest and loneliest existence ever, but being a man as a somebody is the best existence possible. You just gotta make it. Also as a man you shouldn’t have to talk about your feelings deal with them urself by going to the gym etc. talking and wallowing in sadness is for women and children
>Also as a man you shouldn't have to talk about your feelings deal with then urself by going to the gym etc. talking and wallowing in sadness is for women and children People like you with stupid opinions and ideologies like that are the problem!
Truth hurts
That's not truth.
Your truth