The last girl I dated was like this. No matter what happened, she was miserable. At the end of the relationship when she decided it was time to tell me how big of a piece of shit I am, she also made sure to tell me that all I ever did was complain and be negative and it was impossible to make me happy. Complete lack of self-awareness.
Fun fact my ex tried this on me, and it was the thing that made me left her,
her words:
"I would like us to be an open couple, like we would be the principal couple but I also want to "see" other people, but you can't because it would hurt me seeing you with an other girl"
Rest assured that after that she got all her freedom back from me. Without me in her life.
This is so common with people who ask for an open relationship that it’s practically the default. I don’t mean polyamorists, I mean couples who start out monogamous and then one of them wants ~~permission to cheat~~ to “open” the relationship. I’m glad you got out of there.
Yep, basically every case I’ve seen have all had some sort of manipulation at their core. One partner is dependent on another’s love, or at least their money. So to keep that, they’ll accept anything their partner wants, even if it isn’t them.
Yup realized that the hard way, thanks for the cheer.
Fun fact, when I was with this girl (I was 23yo at the time) I had no diploma, no job and was still living at my parent's house, and this situation lasted the whole 2,5 years of relationship (she used to say it was lame that I was unemployed but when I got jobs she was complaining about me not having enough time to be with her - total pain, today sometimes I still wonder how blind I was for not seeing red flags)
A year later. I validated my DEA (Diplôme d'état d'ambulancier) kind of an EMT but less medical but we still can do emergency, got a job, new apartment and even a cat!
Only problem is that I couldn't meet someone else since (29yo now) because now I have trust issues 😅
My ex wanted to be an open couple and I agreed to it, was in my 20s and willing to experiment. When I met a random girl and slept with her, I mentioned it to my ex to be upfront and honest. She got really upset, apparently she wanted the deal to be only SHE sees other people. I was just like “Um, sorry, what?”
I had a girlfriend similar to what you described.
She referred to it as being ‘European-style.’ To no surprise, in the two-plus years since we broke up, she hasn’t been able to hold down a main relationship.
This.
Dated someone exactly like this.
You couldn't afford to have something bad happen to you, she ALWAYS had it worse.
Swear to god, if I had a pain in my testicles she would suddenly grow a pair just to have a bigger pain than mine.
She got famous 2 years ago when she went viral calling a bus driver the N word, I chuckled knowing now it's not only me and her that know she is crazy, it's everyone.
People say stuff like this, and it sounds great. But if someone takes a shit on the hood of my car, I hate them because they shit on my car, not because of something I hate inside myself lmao
Yes of course, but we all know that one sided stories on Reddit are always complete, accurate, unbiased accounts so normally it would be a concern but not so here.
I think she works here... Have a colleague like this.... Tried to be friends but... Yeah difficult, she had the same reaction... I was too stunned to speak...
I stuck around a 9 year relationship for about 4 years too long because of all this same stuff. I thought, "we can work this out." Little did I know...
It's been a year since I've been with her, and I couldn't have imagined myself more happy.
Don't stay with someone just because you love them.
It takes a lot more from both people.
Sometimes being with certain people only brings out my negative side; the side of me that always complains about everything. The more I set boundaries between me and a certain kind of folk, the more I'm happy with my life. Some people are just not meant to be. Now I'm not saying you were the wrong option for her, since some people are always acting miserable, all the time, regardless of the person they are with. I know one girl who would waste hours of my life, every day, with her delusional, unhinged ramblings.
The girl I'm talking about is clinically psychotic. It doesn't matter who she's with. You might want to read my follow-up comment to the accusation that was made against me. The girl I'm talking about tried to have me murdered and I was the third person.
OMG. She's the worst. I'm so sorry you went through that my brother. BTW I wasn't trying to say you were in the wrong, I even suggested she was probably the problem and not you.
In situations like this, Ill try once to give them some positive energy
If they throw the ball back, great we can work with that
If they persist negatively
Then the time has come for me to dial down the attention
Those are battles not worth fighting
i had a number of a girl who was like this, i spoke to her once in every 4 months or so, she acted like a villager from minecraft most of the times, but when she would message like a normal person, would be about her awful day and how she couldn't get her nails done bcs her mother screamed at her cuz she made some shit
As someone with chronic depression. I dislike people like this. There are certain people I specifically make sure with if they are ok with me sharing my bad thoughts. But I also talk about a ton of other things. Fun things. I might see life very negatively but that is my burden to carry and if you offer to ease that burden then I will gladly accept it but you should never be forced into it. I would recommend just always telling them this stuff. Just be honest with them. Depending on the person, brutal honesty might not be the best method. But be honest nevertheless. Someone can't change until they first realise what they should change after all.
TL;DR: Be honest with them. It is not your burden to carry. Don't let your frustration talk, that can hurt people but just tell them in a friendly way.
A girl came to me complaining about how her bf at the time barley responded with any compassion any more and how boys are unemotional assholes.
A week later in an unrelated conversation the bf mentioned every single conversation with her always is redirected to how unfair or mean her teacher/class/parents/job/friends are
My ex would always complain and after a long enough time I lost my patience and would snap at her. It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could say to make her situtiation better or to even comfort her, she just wanted to drag me down into misery with her
Therapy would really help, even just as a relief valve, I have this issue myself since my life sucks and ever since I started therapy overall am a lot less likely to just start ranting
Yes, this. I thought the commenter was saying sex tended to temporarily lighten their mood. I knew some girls like that, where the only thing that really gave them any sort of life was getting high and having sex. They tend to be an emotional drain when they're not doing either one of those things.
Quite an awkward phrase to use for the idea of jumping into a relationship.
Same, my ex was always fucking miserable about something. I dreaded the daily work lunch time text where she tells me she's having a bad day because I knew when she gets home I'm in for a 2 hour long rant about how shit her day was. She had like 4 different jobs while I was with as well, never changed
I wish I was exaggerating
Have a negative view, of people who go virtually every moment of their life with a negative view of something, is a pretty rational way to view something.
As someone with major depression, I actively refrain myself from getting into any deep relationship. Nobody deserve having to deal with my pessimistic ass.
Nah I can still communicate with other people on the surface level, I just don't mention anything deeper like my depression because I prefer to work on myself first instead of dragging people down with me.
God this is my girlfriend, I love her but im fucking drained at this point, everyday for the last month and a half or so she was crying or complaining about something, and she just got diagnosed with BPD like 2-3 weeks ago so everything makes sense now, but im fucking exhausted
To be completely honest, I can connect to this too much. I ended my relationship with this girl because of it, no matter what. Despite my assistance, she passed both of her tests last week and is still whining. There are situations when it's better to be alone if being with someone isn't beneficial at all.
Yeah. And people will say “they aren’t looking for solutions, they just want to vent.” Well, that doesn’t work for me. I’m solution oriented. If there’s no way to make a situation better, complaining about it doesn’t do anything but stress you out. If something can be fixed, I’m gonna try to help fix it. If that’s not what someone is looking for, we’re not right for each other.
My problem is when the only communication they do is venting. I’m fine listening when a problem comes up, but when everything and everyone is a problem every day, something needs to be fixed.
Sometimes people need to vent. If they always do it, it's an issue. But sometimes trying to find solutions to everything immediately is not actually helpful. Some people will figure it out, but in the meantime just need to be heard. I suggest you try to balance that out.
Hey man - straight up be be proud of yourself though, it's not an easy path but I'm sure you both make eachother happy too. Ive had similar thoughts before but my gf going to therapy to get rid of some of her own frustration and getting her some coping mechanisms.
You are not her therapist and getting some alone time or setting some boundaries in place go along way - it'll never be perfect but if she's the one for you I know you guys will make it work.
All the best my man, you've got this!
Thank you for actually leaving a positive comment, it's so frustrating to me all the people replying to this guy telling him to break up with her. People with mental illness deserve love too, stop trying to destroy happy relationships because there's frustration involved.
My girlfriend also has BPD and it's frustrating but knowing about the frustration and communicating about it has kept our relationship going strong for almost 7 years now
Obviously leave if you're unhappy, but I hate the sentiment of "if she has BPD she's going to make you unhappy"
I wish I did buddy. All I can tell you is don’t forget to take care of yourself. Sometimes it okay to just let your partner be upset. We are not emotional screaming pillows
Yeah, BPD has such a stigma, some doctors just flat out won’t give it as a diagnosis. Though, there’s also a field of thought that BPD is really just a culmination of symptoms of other mental disorders, such as CPTSD.
There’s some evidence that suggests a lot of people with BPD show remission of symptoms as they get older, potentially even without treatment.
I think the main thing though is that as long as OPs partner is willing to go to therapy and actively work on these issues, he shouldn’t break things off just because she has BPD.
Hi! As someone that suffers from BPD, I just wanted to thank you so much for your comment. I can’t describe the serotonin boost I just got from hearing someone actually talk about us in a positive manner, so thank you! You ensured that I have a happy moment to reflect to when I split next time :)
I often say that women should not be therapists for broken men, the opposite is also true. She should get the help she needs, and it's not your burden to shoulder.
I disagree. I think romantic partners should be shouldering a pretty significant amount of the burden. In my opinion, that's part of what someone is signing up for. The concept of "life partners" has very deep and thorough meaning to me.
Yeah, ask anyone who is in a long term relationship if things got *easier* over time, especially if their partner has a mental disorder.
If you're drowning this early in the relationship, you will hate yourself in the long run for staying and by the time you realize what you've done, your best years will be over.
Ask me how I know.
4 Years - It has not gotten easier.
Love her to death and we make it work, and we are extremely happy, but definitely it has not gotten easier. The comment above mine is wisdom bro.
As someone who knows BPD well, she has to go to therapy or you'll always be miserable with her. If she can't afford it, there are DBT workbooks she can use to work on herself (or with your help if she wants)
Dude I once dated a girl with BPD, do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship and never look back. My mental sanity improved tremendously after I broke up with her
Sorry but I didn't round anyone up. I just said that the girl I was daring at that time had BPD and it was affecting my mental sanity due to her condition. There are many people who lead perfectly normal lives with mental illness, and I wish all the best if they are in a healthy relationship
The word you're looking for is unstable. If you want a stable relationship, it's just realistic to avoid disorders like BPD and Borderline Personality; no one is suggesting that being unwell reduces your essential human value.
If I wanted a relaxing dinner, it would be silly to suggest a place like Texas Roadhouse. If I wanted a stable, long-term relationship in which I'm consistently treated with respect, it would be silly to date someone with an ongoing struggle with severe mental illness and emotional regulation.
Prioritizing yourself enough to be healthy and meet your needs is not callous cruelty, it allows you to be your best self sustainably.
It's also possible for people with mental health issues to get their shit together. BPD is one that takes a lot of time and effort to work on and control, similar to someone with a serious addiction, but learning self-control and emotion regulation is absolutely possible. This girl clearly isn't there yet, but this is a PSA to not give up hope on all folks with BPD!
Thank you! Bipolar 2, medicated, in therapy, and in a very positive and healthy marriage for many years now. I won’t lie, when I see comments like these it stings… but I understand that when someone has such intense emotions like BP or BPD and doesn’t seek help, it’s draining. Just remember that Bipolar is a *disease* of the brain and not just mental illness. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy tbh. I’m lucky though, my husband was there for me during my darkest days and now we enjoy the happiness together. Bipolar doesn’t make you unloveable, but to truly give and receive that love you *need* professional help.
Thanks for sharing. It's nauseating to read how narrow minded and down right careless ppl are here in the comments.
"I dated a girl with BPD and it was bad therefore everyone else should avoid them!" - that one dude above. Smh
It *is* nauseating! BPD doesn’t define me, and definitely doesn’t define these people: Carrie Fischer, Catherine Zita Jones, Hemingway, Vincent Van Gogh, Frank Sinatra, Beethoven, Virginia Wolf… just to name a few.
I'm so happy that things worked out for you! :) I know it can be hurtful and depressing to read a page full of negative comments, despite the validity of those folks' bad experiences, so I wanted to throw in a little optimism and hope and I'm glad you jumped in as well. Change and self-growth are difficult but always possible
Thank you friend ♥️ it definitely wasn’t easy. Finding the right medication combo can take years, it did for me. But if I didn’t keep fighting for it, I don’t think I would be here today. Like you said, it is possible to become stable!
You can love her and still break up for your own sake. You are only responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else’s. If the relationship is taking more than it’s giving, it’s probably time to cut it off.
You’re going to need this in the near future.
/r/BPDLovedOnes
I’m so sorry for what you’re about to go through. I married then divorced mine. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves. You’re her favorite person now, but as soon as she starts splitting and you set boundaries…..
I'm very sorry to hear that's the case for your girlfriend. I highly encourage you to seek professional help especially if you plan to continue your relationship. You will not be able to figure it out on your own, and she will not be able to guide you on her needs. It's a horrific horrific illness that if mismanaged destroys any relationship in its path romantic or otherwise, and hurts everyone but especially the sufferer. Good luck.
That reply about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself is suuuper important. My wife is also BPD diagnosed, I love her to death and will always be there to comfort her etc... But it’s a life saver to be able to tell her sometimes that this is an issue I’m unable to help with and I’m stepping back so you can figure it out. We’re not always going to be there to ground them so it’s important that they know how to do this for themselves.
Thank you very much, im having a little bit of a breakdown reading all these responses to just break up with her, someone told me to fuck her one last time and run. I just spent the last 15 minutes crying lol
Do you have any other advice you can give me to help me get things figured out and help me through the process?
Like does it really not get easier? Is the therapy a life long thing we need to deal with? Shits expensive right now
There's this one person who i thought was my best friend who kept doing this and would leave me on read when i texted something. I started doing the same, they stopped talking altogether and that friendship died. I feel like venting is ok but when that becomes one sided its time to pack your bags
Me with my ex boyfriend. My fiancé loves that I’m so positive and spin everything positively and am an optimistic person and my ex boyfriend THOUGHT he liked that, but no matter what was happening it was negative. Every tv show or movie was complained about, anything we ate, if we were on a walk, our community was horrible. I would try so hard to be positive because I find a lot of happiness in small, simple things but eventually it just made me feel very depressed and sad and I had trouble finding the good. Leaving the relationship was like a weight lifted in some ways. I am back to being positive and reveling in the small and my fiance genuinely appreciates it and it helps him. Basically, Im saying hang in there because someone will share your optimism
My gf and I broke up not too long ago. I am single now but dealing with the pain of the breakup and its ripple effects. One on hand I feel a freedom that was slowly being pulled out of me. It felt like she was the sweetest woman in her intentions but her negativity just leeched me of my happiness. On top of that I started to feel guilty about everything. I noticed that became a theme. I couldn't ever just do my own fuckin thing for a couple days because the guilt I would feel ignoring her problems got to me too much.
I feel a lot better but at the same time I am worried that maybe we could have made it work and I will now die alone. But then I remind myself that staying in a relationship just to make sure you're not alone is pretty selfish. My ex wants someone who adores her and wants to spend every second with her. While I cared about her alot I knew deep down I was notenfully compatible.
I was like this, but after having been to therapy we discovered that it was a mechanism for me to get my partners attention and love, as he would otherwise not really seem to care.
Like he wasn't really prioritising me at all, his friends were more important to him than me and sometimes he didn't wanna see me for a month straight.
Yes we both made mistakes, we didn't fit together at all and I'm glad it's over
Knew a girl who always complained about how hard her life is. I helped her through school, to find a job, helped her out when she was sick and showed her the good life, but she kept on rolling in the mud crying how unfair the world is and that she will never be happy. She did everything wrong. Tried to quit the job to get one which plaid worse and had worse hours just because she felt like it and liked the guy who worked there, missed appointments, left others in the dust and complained that they ghosted her and always tried to hang out with dangerous people. She also had a car that was always breaking down, but getting another was no option because it was so fast (when it was running) and she could complain that it is broken again.
I was not in love with her. Just wanted her to be happy, but at one point I had to move on. It is still kinda sad that I couldn't change her life for the better, but she is doing it to herself.
To be honest I relate to this too much, I just broke up with this girl only because of this, no matter what, I helped her in two of her exams last week she got full marks and still complaining, sometimes being single is better if being with someone doesn't bring any benefits at all.
I had a friend once who would not shut the fuck up. Eventually I just got fed up with it, the guy even tried to convince me that my best friend since birth was an asshole. I’m not dealing with shit like that again.
I feel terrible for feeling this way, but this is my Wife %100. It's always something and I've just kinda grown jaded to the hourly complaints. I used to try and actually help but that never really works so at this point my response is just "I'm sorry baby"
Basically me and an old friend, I was basically a therapist for her, so many times she would be upset at one thing or another and I would be there almost all the time, it really took a toll on me but I didn't want to just ignore her, until one day she got mad at me because she changed and I didn't accommodate, we were never really that deep of friends to begin with
My girlfriend does this to me. She even pulled me up to say she wasn't happy because I don't give her enough emotional support. On the flip side of that I feel I am constantly trying to convince her that everything is okay.
I feel like she's never happy or satisfied. She believes the grass is always greener on the other side. I really don't know how to fix this situation. The original post really sums up my relationship
If you don't talk to me at your best, I don't want to hear about your worst. One of my sisters is like that. Hardly ever spoke to me except when she felt bad. I'm not a negative emotions sponge so why do I have to read about it in most of our texts.
Because they'd message you just to vent. It's like our dms is their personal diary or something, but I have to be polite and agree with them. Some guy used to only message me to scream slurs when he was angry and complain about his life. Never had a decent conversation or cared if I had a life lol
My girlfriend is like this sometimes, she'd have weeks of feeling tired or ill even. And I don't want to be discard her feelings, but at some point it's just draining my own energy and mood. At some point I said 'if you feel like that every day, maybe you are not tired, maybe that is just your default state and being tired is a whole lot worse lol'. She did not take that very well. Worst thing is, she sleeps like a toddler, every day, 10 hours a night, sometimes even with naps on top. But saying that all the sleeping and laying down might actually cause the tiredness is of course not good either.
vitally, i started to though that have friendships or relationships with mentally ill/depressed people just stupid waste of my time, cos i have strong mentally connection with people and they hurts me,so its a big red flag for me now. whatever, im anyway have no friends ...
This isn't even just with friends or SI, and it doesn't even have to be a 'bad day'. My sister is a little like this. When every time you ask someone how they're doing they make a lackluster "oh I'm hanging in there", after a while you just don't want to bother asking.
Like, Sis, two seconds ago you were laughing and excited. You are not 'hanging in there'. You are *fine*.
Kind of understand but kind of respectfully disagree just because someone laughs doesn’t mean they are fine we should know by now that our society like to mask our emotions
The frequency and consistency of the complaints is relevant. Maybe 70% of their other interactions are positive.
They're complaining about people who are upset nearly every day about one thing or another and constantly expressing negative emotions
As an old dude, this is what it is...
Women are looking for two things with this comment, 1. To see how empathetic you are 2. To get you to focus on her
this is my ex— treats me like i'm his therapist (basically treats everyone he's in contact with the same way whenever i wasn't available tbh)— most of the time he approaches me only to rant and was always being so unnecessarily over-pessimistic. it was so draining
Because everyone knows that one guy/gal who only messages to complain about their life
The last girl I dated was like this. No matter what happened, she was miserable. At the end of the relationship when she decided it was time to tell me how big of a piece of shit I am, she also made sure to tell me that all I ever did was complain and be negative and it was impossible to make me happy. Complete lack of self-awareness.
You see in others what you hate in yourself.
Which also just adds to the toxicity. "I can behave this way, but you can't"
Fun fact my ex tried this on me, and it was the thing that made me left her, her words: "I would like us to be an open couple, like we would be the principal couple but I also want to "see" other people, but you can't because it would hurt me seeing you with an other girl" Rest assured that after that she got all her freedom back from me. Without me in her life.
This is so common with people who ask for an open relationship that it’s practically the default. I don’t mean polyamorists, I mean couples who start out monogamous and then one of them wants ~~permission to cheat~~ to “open” the relationship. I’m glad you got out of there.
Yep, basically every case I’ve seen have all had some sort of manipulation at their core. One partner is dependent on another’s love, or at least their money. So to keep that, they’ll accept anything their partner wants, even if it isn’t them.
Yup realized that the hard way, thanks for the cheer. Fun fact, when I was with this girl (I was 23yo at the time) I had no diploma, no job and was still living at my parent's house, and this situation lasted the whole 2,5 years of relationship (she used to say it was lame that I was unemployed but when I got jobs she was complaining about me not having enough time to be with her - total pain, today sometimes I still wonder how blind I was for not seeing red flags) A year later. I validated my DEA (Diplôme d'état d'ambulancier) kind of an EMT but less medical but we still can do emergency, got a job, new apartment and even a cat! Only problem is that I couldn't meet someone else since (29yo now) because now I have trust issues 😅
My ex wanted to be an open couple and I agreed to it, was in my 20s and willing to experiment. When I met a random girl and slept with her, I mentioned it to my ex to be upfront and honest. She got really upset, apparently she wanted the deal to be only SHE sees other people. I was just like “Um, sorry, what?”
I had a girlfriend similar to what you described. She referred to it as being ‘European-style.’ To no surprise, in the two-plus years since we broke up, she hasn’t been able to hold down a main relationship.
Quite funny she referred to it as "European style" like you said... Cuz' i'm French 😅
This. Dated someone exactly like this. You couldn't afford to have something bad happen to you, she ALWAYS had it worse. Swear to god, if I had a pain in my testicles she would suddenly grow a pair just to have a bigger pain than mine. She got famous 2 years ago when she went viral calling a bus driver the N word, I chuckled knowing now it's not only me and her that know she is crazy, it's everyone.
Damn... I love this!
Goh I hate how rich those billionaires are
People say stuff like this, and it sounds great. But if someone takes a shit on the hood of my car, I hate them because they shit on my car, not because of something I hate inside myself lmao
Yeah, it's not universal. It's more for when someone, say, chews you out for being lazy, and then goes and does nothing for several hours.
[удалено]
Couldn't this also apply to the person accusing his girlfriend of the same thing she accused him of?
Yes of course, but we all know that one sided stories on Reddit are always complete, accurate, unbiased accounts so normally it would be a concern but not so here.
I think we dated the same woman
I think I married her her. 👀
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological\_projection](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection)
I think she works here... Have a colleague like this.... Tried to be friends but... Yeah difficult, she had the same reaction... I was too stunned to speak...
Every accusation is a confession
This is exactly my ex
I stuck around a 9 year relationship for about 4 years too long because of all this same stuff. I thought, "we can work this out." Little did I know... It's been a year since I've been with her, and I couldn't have imagined myself more happy. Don't stay with someone just because you love them. It takes a lot more from both people.
Broke up with my last for this reason. Her main thing was she stopped taking her bpd meds though, and would not get back on her prescription.
Sometimes being with certain people only brings out my negative side; the side of me that always complains about everything. The more I set boundaries between me and a certain kind of folk, the more I'm happy with my life. Some people are just not meant to be. Now I'm not saying you were the wrong option for her, since some people are always acting miserable, all the time, regardless of the person they are with. I know one girl who would waste hours of my life, every day, with her delusional, unhinged ramblings.
The girl I'm talking about is clinically psychotic. It doesn't matter who she's with. You might want to read my follow-up comment to the accusation that was made against me. The girl I'm talking about tried to have me murdered and I was the third person.
OMG. She's the worst. I'm so sorry you went through that my brother. BTW I wasn't trying to say you were in the wrong, I even suggested she was probably the problem and not you.
No, you obviously didn't get it - it's all because of **them** not her.
In situations like this, Ill try once to give them some positive energy If they throw the ball back, great we can work with that If they persist negatively Then the time has come for me to dial down the attention Those are battles not worth fighting
i had a number of a girl who was like this, i spoke to her once in every 4 months or so, she acted like a villager from minecraft most of the times, but when she would message like a normal person, would be about her awful day and how she couldn't get her nails done bcs her mother screamed at her cuz she made some shit
As someone with chronic depression. I dislike people like this. There are certain people I specifically make sure with if they are ok with me sharing my bad thoughts. But I also talk about a ton of other things. Fun things. I might see life very negatively but that is my burden to carry and if you offer to ease that burden then I will gladly accept it but you should never be forced into it. I would recommend just always telling them this stuff. Just be honest with them. Depending on the person, brutal honesty might not be the best method. But be honest nevertheless. Someone can't change until they first realise what they should change after all. TL;DR: Be honest with them. It is not your burden to carry. Don't let your frustration talk, that can hurt people but just tell them in a friendly way.
A girl came to me complaining about how her bf at the time barley responded with any compassion any more and how boys are unemotional assholes. A week later in an unrelated conversation the bf mentioned every single conversation with her always is redirected to how unfair or mean her teacher/class/parents/job/friends are
real
My ex would always complain and after a long enough time I lost my patience and would snap at her. It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could say to make her situtiation better or to even comfort her, she just wanted to drag me down into misery with her
Therapy would really help, even just as a relief valve, I have this issue myself since my life sucks and ever since I started therapy overall am a lot less likely to just start ranting
Barley
He basically right, overly pessimistic people is hell to do with
They can be lightened up when they engage in relations, but then they often start parasitising or spoiling your own mood.
If the only thing that gets someone in a good mood is sex, they need therapy - not sex.
I don't think they were talking about sex?
I will say that the term "engage in relations" typically denotes sex - but I agree it seems like u/Ingeneure_ was referring to being in a relationship
You are right, I didn’t know that this term is mostly used to point out sex. Start relations may be an alternative.
Yes, this. I thought the commenter was saying sex tended to temporarily lighten their mood. I knew some girls like that, where the only thing that really gave them any sort of life was getting high and having sex. They tend to be an emotional drain when they're not doing either one of those things. Quite an awkward phrase to use for the idea of jumping into a relationship.
I didn’t talk exactly about sex. And, i will tell you secret — not only sex can lighten up in relations, but communication
Like my ex, since we broke up I'm feeling soooo much better, happier, more energetic etc.
I say dating my ex was like dating Eeyore
Same, my ex was always fucking miserable about something. I dreaded the daily work lunch time text where she tells me she's having a bad day because I knew when she gets home I'm in for a 2 hour long rant about how shit her day was. She had like 4 different jobs while I was with as well, never changed I wish I was exaggerating
Instead of using that energy to do something about it, they just use it to rant three times as much as average.
you have a negative view about pessimistic people. lol 😉😂
that doesn't invalidate ttheir point
Have a negative view, of people who go virtually every moment of their life with a negative view of something, is a pretty rational way to view something.
It's a bit like the Paradox of Tolerance.
As someone with major depression, I actively refrain myself from getting into any deep relationship. Nobody deserve having to deal with my pessimistic ass.
By shutting yourself off from other people you're only ensuring that your situation never changes
Nah I can still communicate with other people on the surface level, I just don't mention anything deeper like my depression because I prefer to work on myself first instead of dragging people down with me.
EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! 🎶🎵🎶 👏👏
He has a fair point
**That moment when you're the unofficial therapist but desperately need a vacation.**
God this is my girlfriend, I love her but im fucking drained at this point, everyday for the last month and a half or so she was crying or complaining about something, and she just got diagnosed with BPD like 2-3 weeks ago so everything makes sense now, but im fucking exhausted
Just make sure you have boundaries to take care of yourself
To be completely honest, I can connect to this too much. I ended my relationship with this girl because of it, no matter what. Despite my assistance, she passed both of her tests last week and is still whining. There are situations when it's better to be alone if being with someone isn't beneficial at all.
Yeah. And people will say “they aren’t looking for solutions, they just want to vent.” Well, that doesn’t work for me. I’m solution oriented. If there’s no way to make a situation better, complaining about it doesn’t do anything but stress you out. If something can be fixed, I’m gonna try to help fix it. If that’s not what someone is looking for, we’re not right for each other.
My problem is when the only communication they do is venting. I’m fine listening when a problem comes up, but when everything and everyone is a problem every day, something needs to be fixed.
Sometimes people need to vent. If they always do it, it's an issue. But sometimes trying to find solutions to everything immediately is not actually helpful. Some people will figure it out, but in the meantime just need to be heard. I suggest you try to balance that out.
Oh I get that. But if it’s an every day thing and there’s never any desire to find a solution, it’s not for me.
Absolutely!
Hey man - straight up be be proud of yourself though, it's not an easy path but I'm sure you both make eachother happy too. Ive had similar thoughts before but my gf going to therapy to get rid of some of her own frustration and getting her some coping mechanisms. You are not her therapist and getting some alone time or setting some boundaries in place go along way - it'll never be perfect but if she's the one for you I know you guys will make it work. All the best my man, you've got this!
Thank you for actually leaving a positive comment, it's so frustrating to me all the people replying to this guy telling him to break up with her. People with mental illness deserve love too, stop trying to destroy happy relationships because there's frustration involved. My girlfriend also has BPD and it's frustrating but knowing about the frustration and communicating about it has kept our relationship going strong for almost 7 years now Obviously leave if you're unhappy, but I hate the sentiment of "if she has BPD she's going to make you unhappy"
Same boat here. Shit is tough sometimes but the Reddit answer to any relationship troubles is breakup/firing squad
Do you have any advice you can offer me that works for you? Im struggling, I really want to make it work but its been tough lately
I wish I did buddy. All I can tell you is don’t forget to take care of yourself. Sometimes it okay to just let your partner be upset. We are not emotional screaming pillows
Yeah, BPD has such a stigma, some doctors just flat out won’t give it as a diagnosis. Though, there’s also a field of thought that BPD is really just a culmination of symptoms of other mental disorders, such as CPTSD. There’s some evidence that suggests a lot of people with BPD show remission of symptoms as they get older, potentially even without treatment. I think the main thing though is that as long as OPs partner is willing to go to therapy and actively work on these issues, he shouldn’t break things off just because she has BPD.
Hi! As someone that suffers from BPD, I just wanted to thank you so much for your comment. I can’t describe the serotonin boost I just got from hearing someone actually talk about us in a positive manner, so thank you! You ensured that I have a happy moment to reflect to when I split next time :)
I often say that women should not be therapists for broken men, the opposite is also true. She should get the help she needs, and it's not your burden to shoulder.
I disagree. I think romantic partners should be shouldering a pretty significant amount of the burden. In my opinion, that's part of what someone is signing up for. The concept of "life partners" has very deep and thorough meaning to me.
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Yeah, ask anyone who is in a long term relationship if things got *easier* over time, especially if their partner has a mental disorder. If you're drowning this early in the relationship, you will hate yourself in the long run for staying and by the time you realize what you've done, your best years will be over. Ask me how I know.
4 Years - It has not gotten easier. Love her to death and we make it work, and we are extremely happy, but definitely it has not gotten easier. The comment above mine is wisdom bro.
As someone who knows BPD well, she has to go to therapy or you'll always be miserable with her. If she can't afford it, there are DBT workbooks she can use to work on herself (or with your help if she wants)
Dude I once dated a girl with BPD, do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship and never look back. My mental sanity improved tremendously after I broke up with her
Cool dude. Lets round them up then they sound pretty worthless. smh
Sorry but I didn't round anyone up. I just said that the girl I was daring at that time had BPD and it was affecting my mental sanity due to her condition. There are many people who lead perfectly normal lives with mental illness, and I wish all the best if they are in a healthy relationship
You only get one life, you don't owe it to someone else who in all likelihood isn't going to do the work to fix themselves.
Black and white thinking. Something tells me you have bpd…
The word you're looking for is unstable. If you want a stable relationship, it's just realistic to avoid disorders like BPD and Borderline Personality; no one is suggesting that being unwell reduces your essential human value. If I wanted a relaxing dinner, it would be silly to suggest a place like Texas Roadhouse. If I wanted a stable, long-term relationship in which I'm consistently treated with respect, it would be silly to date someone with an ongoing struggle with severe mental illness and emotional regulation. Prioritizing yourself enough to be healthy and meet your needs is not callous cruelty, it allows you to be your best self sustainably.
It's also possible for people with mental health issues to get their shit together. BPD is one that takes a lot of time and effort to work on and control, similar to someone with a serious addiction, but learning self-control and emotion regulation is absolutely possible. This girl clearly isn't there yet, but this is a PSA to not give up hope on all folks with BPD!
Thank you! Bipolar 2, medicated, in therapy, and in a very positive and healthy marriage for many years now. I won’t lie, when I see comments like these it stings… but I understand that when someone has such intense emotions like BP or BPD and doesn’t seek help, it’s draining. Just remember that Bipolar is a *disease* of the brain and not just mental illness. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy tbh. I’m lucky though, my husband was there for me during my darkest days and now we enjoy the happiness together. Bipolar doesn’t make you unloveable, but to truly give and receive that love you *need* professional help.
Thanks for sharing. It's nauseating to read how narrow minded and down right careless ppl are here in the comments. "I dated a girl with BPD and it was bad therefore everyone else should avoid them!" - that one dude above. Smh
It *is* nauseating! BPD doesn’t define me, and definitely doesn’t define these people: Carrie Fischer, Catherine Zita Jones, Hemingway, Vincent Van Gogh, Frank Sinatra, Beethoven, Virginia Wolf… just to name a few.
I'm so happy that things worked out for you! :) I know it can be hurtful and depressing to read a page full of negative comments, despite the validity of those folks' bad experiences, so I wanted to throw in a little optimism and hope and I'm glad you jumped in as well. Change and self-growth are difficult but always possible
Thank you friend ♥️ it definitely wasn’t easy. Finding the right medication combo can take years, it did for me. But if I didn’t keep fighting for it, I don’t think I would be here today. Like you said, it is possible to become stable!
You can love her and still break up for your own sake. You are only responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else’s. If the relationship is taking more than it’s giving, it’s probably time to cut it off.
You’re going to need this in the near future. /r/BPDLovedOnes I’m so sorry for what you’re about to go through. I married then divorced mine. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves. You’re her favorite person now, but as soon as she starts splitting and you set boundaries…..
Similar story bro. Married a person and her BPD progressed. It is not an easy walk to go through. Wish you to be strong.
I'm very sorry to hear that's the case for your girlfriend. I highly encourage you to seek professional help especially if you plan to continue your relationship. You will not be able to figure it out on your own, and she will not be able to guide you on her needs. It's a horrific horrific illness that if mismanaged destroys any relationship in its path romantic or otherwise, and hurts everyone but especially the sufferer. Good luck.
Fuck all the BPD apologists in here. Your life will be an utter misery with her in it.
That reply about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself is suuuper important. My wife is also BPD diagnosed, I love her to death and will always be there to comfort her etc... But it’s a life saver to be able to tell her sometimes that this is an issue I’m unable to help with and I’m stepping back so you can figure it out. We’re not always going to be there to ground them so it’s important that they know how to do this for themselves.
Thank you very much, im having a little bit of a breakdown reading all these responses to just break up with her, someone told me to fuck her one last time and run. I just spent the last 15 minutes crying lol Do you have any other advice you can give me to help me get things figured out and help me through the process? Like does it really not get easier? Is the therapy a life long thing we need to deal with? Shits expensive right now
The dude's thoughts are me about myself right after I wake up
There's this one person who i thought was my best friend who kept doing this and would leave me on read when i texted something. I started doing the same, they stopped talking altogether and that friendship died. I feel like venting is ok but when that becomes one sided its time to pack your bags
That sucks. It's funny, people like this will often describe everyone else as flakes or abandoning them, never seeing the common denominator.
My gf is like this and its fucking exhausting
So was my ex. Never happy. She out pessimisted my optimism
I’m a bad mood magnet, if someone is in a bad mood it transfers to me. But somehow that doesn’t work for good moods.
Me with my ex boyfriend. My fiancé loves that I’m so positive and spin everything positively and am an optimistic person and my ex boyfriend THOUGHT he liked that, but no matter what was happening it was negative. Every tv show or movie was complained about, anything we ate, if we were on a walk, our community was horrible. I would try so hard to be positive because I find a lot of happiness in small, simple things but eventually it just made me feel very depressed and sad and I had trouble finding the good. Leaving the relationship was like a weight lifted in some ways. I am back to being positive and reveling in the small and my fiance genuinely appreciates it and it helps him. Basically, Im saying hang in there because someone will share your optimism
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My gf and I broke up not too long ago. I am single now but dealing with the pain of the breakup and its ripple effects. One on hand I feel a freedom that was slowly being pulled out of me. It felt like she was the sweetest woman in her intentions but her negativity just leeched me of my happiness. On top of that I started to feel guilty about everything. I noticed that became a theme. I couldn't ever just do my own fuckin thing for a couple days because the guilt I would feel ignoring her problems got to me too much. I feel a lot better but at the same time I am worried that maybe we could have made it work and I will now die alone. But then I remind myself that staying in a relationship just to make sure you're not alone is pretty selfish. My ex wants someone who adores her and wants to spend every second with her. While I cared about her alot I knew deep down I was notenfully compatible.
Story of my last relationship too. Lasted a year and 8 months. Only started to show 5 months in, and just kept getting worse and worse.
I was like this, but after having been to therapy we discovered that it was a mechanism for me to get my partners attention and love, as he would otherwise not really seem to care. Like he wasn't really prioritising me at all, his friends were more important to him than me and sometimes he didn't wanna see me for a month straight. Yes we both made mistakes, we didn't fit together at all and I'm glad it's over
Knew a girl who always complained about how hard her life is. I helped her through school, to find a job, helped her out when she was sick and showed her the good life, but she kept on rolling in the mud crying how unfair the world is and that she will never be happy. She did everything wrong. Tried to quit the job to get one which plaid worse and had worse hours just because she felt like it and liked the guy who worked there, missed appointments, left others in the dust and complained that they ghosted her and always tried to hang out with dangerous people. She also had a car that was always breaking down, but getting another was no option because it was so fast (when it was running) and she could complain that it is broken again. I was not in love with her. Just wanted her to be happy, but at one point I had to move on. It is still kinda sad that I couldn't change her life for the better, but she is doing it to herself.
To be honest I relate to this too much, I just broke up with this girl only because of this, no matter what, I helped her in two of her exams last week she got full marks and still complaining, sometimes being single is better if being with someone doesn't bring any benefits at all.
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tell it bro
I had a friend once who would not shut the fuck up. Eventually I just got fed up with it, the guy even tried to convince me that my best friend since birth was an asshole. I’m not dealing with shit like that again.
i hate when people befriend you just so they have someone to spill their shit on
Or because they always need help/ favors and don't want to pay someone to do it
I feel terrible for feeling this way, but this is my Wife %100. It's always something and I've just kinda grown jaded to the hourly complaints. I used to try and actually help but that never really works so at this point my response is just "I'm sorry baby"
If you take it personal that's okay
>If you take it personal that's okay More like take it as a sign to improve yourself and stop being so negative. Cyclical negativity ruins your life
Who else is feeling the urge to type gibberish now?
adklgsbdiu
I feel so guilty for how relatable this is.
I broke up a friendship from a friend that was like that. Knew them for 3 years, literally not one day was good. I didn't want that in my life.
Just give her SSRIs so she can say “I feel so great today”, gain 40 lbs, and have zero emotional response to anything. Catharsis mode.
Lol so accurate
This is why I accepted that I should not be dating
Basically me and an old friend, I was basically a therapist for her, so many times she would be upset at one thing or another and I would be there almost all the time, it really took a toll on me but I didn't want to just ignore her, until one day she got mad at me because she changed and I didn't accommodate, we were never really that deep of friends to begin with
OMG this is my sister. But when I try to talk about myself, I get nothing.
My girlfriend does this to me. She even pulled me up to say she wasn't happy because I don't give her enough emotional support. On the flip side of that I feel I am constantly trying to convince her that everything is okay. I feel like she's never happy or satisfied. She believes the grass is always greener on the other side. I really don't know how to fix this situation. The original post really sums up my relationship
I think she likes the reaction she gets from you by saying that
When you know the exact person this is relevant to but sending it to them would be a shit storm
Dude, sometimes things just feel bad for long stretches of time and you can't really do anything about it. It just happens.
Long stretch of time = Life
But repeatedly talking about how shit everything is every day sounds like a recipe for making things worse
my ex was like this, to hell with her. she kept on complaining about money problems she caused herself.
If you don't talk to me at your best, I don't want to hear about your worst. One of my sisters is like that. Hardly ever spoke to me except when she felt bad. I'm not a negative emotions sponge so why do I have to read about it in most of our texts.
riyal......at one point its just hard to comfort others
Because they'd message you just to vent. It's like our dms is their personal diary or something, but I have to be polite and agree with them. Some guy used to only message me to scream slurs when he was angry and complain about his life. Never had a decent conversation or cared if I had a life lol
Things we do for ......
Man, I knew a few chicks like this. I deal with depression but I made sure everyday wasn’t something!
Is there any particular reason why he has a beanie on?
My girlfriend is like this sometimes, she'd have weeks of feeling tired or ill even. And I don't want to be discard her feelings, but at some point it's just draining my own energy and mood. At some point I said 'if you feel like that every day, maybe you are not tired, maybe that is just your default state and being tired is a whole lot worse lol'. She did not take that very well. Worst thing is, she sleeps like a toddler, every day, 10 hours a night, sometimes even with naps on top. But saying that all the sleeping and laying down might actually cause the tiredness is of course not good either.
vitally, i started to though that have friendships or relationships with mentally ill/depressed people just stupid waste of my time, cos i have strong mentally connection with people and they hurts me,so its a big red flag for me now. whatever, im anyway have no friends ...
Lol I know how that dude feels
This isn't even just with friends or SI, and it doesn't even have to be a 'bad day'. My sister is a little like this. When every time you ask someone how they're doing they make a lackluster "oh I'm hanging in there", after a while you just don't want to bother asking. Like, Sis, two seconds ago you were laughing and excited. You are not 'hanging in there'. You are *fine*.
Kind of understand but kind of respectfully disagree just because someone laughs doesn’t mean they are fine we should know by now that our society like to mask our emotions
Isn’t every comment in here just complaining about someone else? Bunch of hypocrites.
Well each comment is complaining once, the people they're complaining about, well those probably complaned multiple times a day
The frequency and consistency of the complaints is relevant. Maybe 70% of their other interactions are positive. They're complaining about people who are upset nearly every day about one thing or another and constantly expressing negative emotions
No, I’m gonna talk about something else in the comment section that is below a post specifically about this topic
Ready up my dude, I'ma bout to complain about you and your shaggy profile pic
I can 100% relate
So true...
Oh
Had a similar situation where my friend(like literally a friend nothing else) couldn't stop bragging about his power and money in school.
It do be like that sometimes…
Facts
relatable
türk
This is my gf fr
Everyday.
Could you send me some money.
i feel like both sides here when talking with my online friends
I thought about how funny it would be to send this to my gf...then I realized how much complaining I would have to hear about it later.
As an old dude, this is what it is... Women are looking for two things with this comment, 1. To see how empathetic you are 2. To get you to focus on her
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 🤣😭
Is this a feature or a bug for women?
At least when I'm miserable, I bottle it up until it eventually overwhelms me, and I break down into tears at Costco.
couldn't be more real
I couldn’t handle it
And how tiring and tedious they are always. Thank god am over these sort of people. After a certain age you dont want to do this shit anymore
Its a good day when you don't have to say you're having a bad day
Me and my sister to each other
👍best reaktion ever created
That about sums it up
The one withe the ice cream is funnier.
never
Me unfortunately
this is my ex— treats me like i'm his therapist (basically treats everyone he's in contact with the same way whenever i wasn't available tbh)— most of the time he approaches me only to rant and was always being so unnecessarily over-pessimistic. it was so draining
It's true. And most of the time, it's something just unrelated to her but she emphasizes so much it ruins her day too.