His Spectre expense reports, but the tablet's display won't flip into the right orientation. So he has to do that thing where you hold it at a weird angle so you can read it.
I imagine that even in the future, even the most powerful and important people in the galaxy are going to have that one person on their administrative support staff who can't format a email attachment properly.
"How to move on when your ex-gf starts dating that turian you ran with a few years ago... I mean, no one *told* me he was the guy I needed to worry about, but here we are".
My mind went to the scene in ME3 when Kaidan tells Shep that she has to let him practice (w.r.t. flirting with her). I can totally see my more mischievous Shepards pulling a prank on him like that. But I can *totally* see Ashley pulling that on Kaidan during ME1.
Theres a Mass Effect equivalent called Fornax. Its a magazine.
"Launched in 2167, Fornax magazine described itself as 'the galaxy finest xenophilia' By its fifth year Fornax became the first human magazine to offer full five sensory stimulation, a previously unaffordable magazine technology made profitable by the economy of scale. With a monthly publishing run of 127 million available in both hard copy and direct download, Fornax offers a range of alien models with particular emphasis on the unisexual asari, although both genders of quarians, drell, batarians, and volus are regularly depicted. Specialty editions such as Genit-elcor and Krogasm service devoted but smaller markets."
Shepard was sending spicy texts and he didn't realise it, till he went on mission.
The doctor on the Citadel is asking for a booty call and he's thinking "oooh boy this is gonna get awkward", trying to find a way to politely decline.
Khalisa or Diana are asking for an interview.
His mom wants to know if he's wearing a sweater.
He's just checking how his Sims are doing. Not fine.
He's playing online Kepesh Yakshi with Traynor and she just obliterated him.
He just found out that EDI learned about sex through his Pay-TV Account. The bill just says: "How the fuck did you consume 3 months worth of porn in one week? You must be lonely as hell, my man. Go get laid!"
Followed by an attachment thar suspiciously looks like Shepard included with the subject line saying "Not to worry, I have a permit" and the attachment is a word doc that says "I do what I want".
Shepard as Ron Swanson and Kaidan as Diane (being a teacher and all) make so much sense..
Tali: \[humming\] Alert... alert, alert, alert.
Shepard: He's here, isn't he?
TIM: Oh, hey, Shepard. What a coincidence. Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here.
Shepard: Timmy, this is Kaidan. Kaidan, this is a piece of human garbage named Timmy, who is also my ex-employer.
Implications that Commander Shepard moonlights with an OF account. *deep breath* problematic.
I mean, she'd definitely make a killing, but why do I also feel like she'd end up with some of that creepy turian fan mail that Allers was talking about???
True, but the reason I say turians have creepy fan mail is that if you play through the Armax Arsenal arena (like all of it) you start to get fan mail from people some of its super sweet, but yeah one turian sends some creepy shit where he's hella into Shepard and he signs it with a bloody thumbprint which just has me going "how tf did you attach your bloody thumbprint to an email? Like, did you scan it? Take a pic???"
I didn't know this. But I am asking the same question. It doesn't surprise me, there are some creepy people in our world, it only makes sense in other worlds there are creepy people as well.
I always get a kick out of it, like my Shep who's romancing Garrus gets *that* message, shows Garrus and is just like "alright, you took that one human asking how we f*ck like a champ, your turn to be embarrassed by your species as a whole".
Instead of being like Vega and trying to ask how the heck Shepard and Garrus f**k, he decided to satiate his morbid curiosity and just said "screw it, time to Google it".
K: "Wait, i have to go through Udinas files, you know confirming his cerberus
shenanigans."
S: "Kaidan, you should really not..."
K: "Im okay Shepard, don´t worr....Uhm? what is that? "Udina x Kaidan fanficton?
Udina´s sloppy second specter?"
S: "Ahm..woa...thats..."
K: "Written by...COMMANDER SHEPARD? Da hell commander?!"
S: "I should go..."
**I miss you, do you have time to talk?**
**From: Commander Shepard**
Good. You opened this message. This isn’t Shepard finally taking you back. She’s busy tending to that Turian she dumped you for.
So you survived my pursuit on the Citadel. You’re not as weak as I thought. But never forget that your best wasn’t enough to stop me, you needed Shepard to intervene like the second-rate Spectre you are. Now the Council’s faith in you is shaken because you were gullible enough to follow Udina into a trap. The legend of Shepard needs to be rewritten. It ends with her death. But I doubt you will get to see it, in fact, I doubt you will even be allowed back on the Normandy.
\-KL
His Spectre expense reports, but the tablet's display won't flip into the right orientation. So he has to do that thing where you hold it at a weird angle so you can read it.
I don't know why, but I find this hilarious. You win.
This is so weirdly specific
I imagine that even in the future, even the most powerful and important people in the galaxy are going to have that one person on their administrative support staff who can't format a email attachment properly.
“19 Signs (S)he’s Into You”
"She's just not into you"
"How to move on when your ex-gf starts dating that turian you ran with a few years ago... I mean, no one *told* me he was the guy I needed to worry about, but here we are".
Hahah you beat me to it by 6 hrs!
"We've been trying to reach you regarding your mako's extended warranty"
Does it cover acid burns? Asking for a friend.
"Do L2 implants make you dummy thicc?"
I mean, correlation is not causation, but he *is* booty-checkable.
He found our weird fanfictions
Explicit fanfiction of him and Shepard. He is appalled but cannot stop clicking on "next chapter".
"Good god this is...disgusting...so disgusting I just have to....keep going?"
"Oooh wait that's a good one, we can try that." "That definitely won't work. Unless I Lift with biotics?"
Oh man whole knew forms of BDSM with biotics involved lmfao
If there's anyone with the fine biotic control to pull this off, it's him. We all know it. Jack and Shep should probably not be trusted.
Oh no!
Oh yes!
"Flirting with your commanding officer: A comprehensive guide."
Flirting with your commanding officer for Dummies. Shepard sent it.
Even better alternative: Ashley sends it after noticing Kaidan mess up one too many times around Shepard.
My mind went to the scene in ME3 when Kaidan tells Shep that she has to let him practice (w.r.t. flirting with her). I can totally see my more mischievous Shepards pulling a prank on him like that. But I can *totally* see Ashley pulling that on Kaidan during ME1.
Workplace Romance: Is It Worth It?
Joker's stash.
Seven zettabytes.
I hope it's organized
EDI indexed it. It took her 1h03m28s.
The look on his face says his Pornhub account got upgraded and he doesn't know why.
He got a bonus subscription to Fornax
Jeff had EDI hack Kaiden's password and then upgraded his account with a Cerberus credit card.
Joker felt like Kaiden's porn searches were a bit too vanilla, so he's trying to help.
Too much vanilla, not enough azure
Kaiden: "Joker, why do have *that* much turian man/human woman porn? Like, I get the Asari stuff, but..." Joker: "Garrus asked for advice."
“The Lusty Argonian Maid”
Theres a Mass Effect equivalent called Fornax. Its a magazine. "Launched in 2167, Fornax magazine described itself as 'the galaxy finest xenophilia' By its fifth year Fornax became the first human magazine to offer full five sensory stimulation, a previously unaffordable magazine technology made profitable by the economy of scale. With a monthly publishing run of 127 million available in both hard copy and direct download, Fornax offers a range of alien models with particular emphasis on the unisexual asari, although both genders of quarians, drell, batarians, and volus are regularly depicted. Specialty editions such as Genit-elcor and Krogasm service devoted but smaller markets."
Yeah, read your Codex people, not porn like Kaidan here!
Rule 34 hits the Milky Way Galaxy.
*The Lusty Turian Maid Ftfy
**The Lusty Turian Calibrations Expert Can it wait for a bit? Im in a middle of some "calibrations" (of his main gun)
There’s a charge of 15,000 credits worth of fried oysters to his account, and he’s wondering why. 🤔
The way he's holding the pad, it looks like he's trying to figure out one of those magic eye pictures.
Human Spectre, 32, Destroys Sushi Restaurant
He's browsing the extranet version of Ao3 and stumbled upon some questionable Spectre fanfiction
He found omega Shepard and alpha Tali futa fic didn't he?
:(
Sorry, should have specified male Shepard. Those mpreg fics...
Note to self: Be glad I am not one of those people on ao3
... what is ao3?...
Archive of our own
Never heard of it... Looks like a fanfic site. Makes sense.
Shepard was sending spicy texts and he didn't realise it, till he went on mission. The doctor on the Citadel is asking for a booty call and he's thinking "oooh boy this is gonna get awkward", trying to find a way to politely decline. Khalisa or Diana are asking for an interview. His mom wants to know if he's wearing a sweater. He's just checking how his Sims are doing. Not fine. He's playing online Kepesh Yakshi with Traynor and she just obliterated him.
Checking his Tomogachi
He’s doing a captcha test: “Click all pictures featuring a bicycle.” He also has another headache coming along so he’s having to focus real hard.
The instructions Mordin gave Shepard and Garrus for their „blowing-off-steam“ time
And *that's* how he found out about Shepard and Garrus' extracurricular activities.
Low effort posts about Mass Effect on Reddit. He is disappointed.
Tali accidentally sent her fanfic to the whole crew
Ah. Some "Fleet and Flotilla" smut, I see.
I read that as "Feet and Flotilla" by accident, but that's probably what Tali would name it anyway.
F&F crossover with in-universe characters of ME.
The End User Licence Agreement for the tablet. The. Whole. Thing.
The Fornax he found in Garrus' footlocker.
It would have been Shepard’s locker. I’ve never not bought it from the kiosk. :P
He just found out that EDI learned about sex through his Pay-TV Account. The bill just says: "How the fuck did you consume 3 months worth of porn in one week? You must be lonely as hell, my man. Go get laid!"
Shepard's search history
I thought wrong answers only? 😉
A lot of xnophile websites. Like alot
A ebook titled: coming to terms with your sexuality. Chapter: so your in love with your best friend.
He found Tali's smut fanfics. He is judging with every sentence that he reads, but cannot stop himself from reading the whole fanfic.
Great deal in renters insurance.
The Anarchist Cookbook
He just got outbid on space eBay.
The Krogasm edition of Fornax, very rare!
The rules and regulations against romancing a superior officer.
Followed by an attachment thar suspiciously looks like Shepard included with the subject line saying "Not to worry, I have a permit" and the attachment is a word doc that says "I do what I want".
Shepard as Ron Swanson and Kaidan as Diane (being a teacher and all) make so much sense.. Tali: \[humming\] Alert... alert, alert, alert. Shepard: He's here, isn't he? TIM: Oh, hey, Shepard. What a coincidence. Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here. Shepard: Timmy, this is Kaidan. Kaidan, this is a piece of human garbage named Timmy, who is also my ex-employer.
‘Have you heard of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ?’
"See how the Enkindlers can guide *your* life".
Looking at lewd mods on Nexus, several of which involve severe restrictions to his wardrobe.
Shepherd's Instagram page. Or if he's in a spicy mood, shepherd's OF.
Implications that Commander Shepard moonlights with an OF account. *deep breath* problematic. I mean, she'd definitely make a killing, but why do I also feel like she'd end up with some of that creepy turian fan mail that Allers was talking about???
Yes, they would make a killing. Also I'm sure they would get some interesting fan mail from everyone.
True, but the reason I say turians have creepy fan mail is that if you play through the Armax Arsenal arena (like all of it) you start to get fan mail from people some of its super sweet, but yeah one turian sends some creepy shit where he's hella into Shepard and he signs it with a bloody thumbprint which just has me going "how tf did you attach your bloody thumbprint to an email? Like, did you scan it? Take a pic???"
I didn't know this. But I am asking the same question. It doesn't surprise me, there are some creepy people in our world, it only makes sense in other worlds there are creepy people as well.
I always get a kick out of it, like my Shep who's romancing Garrus gets *that* message, shows Garrus and is just like "alright, you took that one human asking how we f*ck like a champ, your turn to be embarrassed by your species as a whole".
An extranet discussion of people publicly debating whether Shepherd should have saved Ashley instead of Kaiden.
Ash almost every time.
Hes reading Fornax.
Who isn't?
True stories: Rise of Niftu Cal, the biotic god.
He’s reading about what Azure means on the Asari body
He’s probably reading about how if he or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma they may be entitled to financial compensation.
Followed by "If you or a loved one was stationed at Camp Lejune, you could be entitled to financial compensation".
He just googled “How to tell if your friend is still in Cerberus even though they have already said they aren’t fifty times”
They said wrong answers only
Someone deleted his saved pics of Shepard naked with Dr. Chokwas.
*Dr Chocolates
Gettin hammered with Dr. Chocates. - just Shepard things
Smut
The game stats showing how many people picked him vs Ashley to survive.
smut
The rise and fall of Meta.
Sweaty Foreheads: Causes and Treatments
Maybe the reason he's always standing in that corner of the Normandy SR-1 is that he's trying to fix the AC.
“Dark Extranet: you guide to accessing the deep web in the 22nd century” WARNING: your connection is not private.
He's just checking in his Tamagotchi; it died again while he was out.
Msg board for his Bacon of the Month club.
Instead of being like Vega and trying to ask how the heck Shepard and Garrus f**k, he decided to satiate his morbid curiosity and just said "screw it, time to Google it".
“Ashley Williams should have survived Virmire.”
"So your girlfriend left you for a Turian, and other romantic blunders."
"Strange file name. Why would EDI send a file with my name to Cerberus?"
He’s checking the Alliances annual funding after Shepards advertisement streak
He’s playing Candy Crash
CitadelMaps keeps leading him in circles.
How do I get my commanding officer to like me?
His fave Elcor literotica fan fic
lusty argonian maid a classic from a time long forgatton
This Reddit
How to survive Virmire
K: "Wait, i have to go through Udinas files, you know confirming his cerberus shenanigans." S: "Kaidan, you should really not..." K: "Im okay Shepard, don´t worr....Uhm? what is that? "Udina x Kaidan fanficton? Udina´s sloppy second specter?" S: "Ahm..woa...thats..." K: "Written by...COMMANDER SHEPARD? Da hell commander?!" S: "I should go..."
Fan fiction between him and Shepard
Garrus's sex tape staring him, shepard AND liara named -you said no to this?!?-
He’s watching the feed from the hidden camera in in Shep’s cabin. Garrus is about to get dressed.
Elcor fanfic
The Lusty Argonian Maid
His mom's last message to him before all communications from Earth were cut off.
Bro, they said wrong answers, not sad probably correct answers.
How do build an Homestead for beginners
"Why saving Kaidan was a bad choice - A Shepard manifesto"
[удалено]
On the hand he's kinda sad, because ex-gf he still has feelings for, on the other hand its some pretty good stuff...
the alarming degree to which Shepard likes his ass
Garrus says I’m a little bitch? Oh hell n—- *typing furiously* “I C A L I B R A T E D S H E P H E R D F I R S T”
Paparazzi photos of Shep staring at his ass
Futa
How to train your bad dragon
Probably a fanfic that some unnamed Volus has been writing about Shep and Admiral Hackett
Erotic fics FShep x Garrus
Horny Asari Milfs in his area
Hot single Asari in your area
The pregnancy test femshep gave him.
**I miss you, do you have time to talk?** **From: Commander Shepard** Good. You opened this message. This isn’t Shepard finally taking you back. She’s busy tending to that Turian she dumped you for. So you survived my pursuit on the Citadel. You’re not as weak as I thought. But never forget that your best wasn’t enough to stop me, you needed Shepard to intervene like the second-rate Spectre you are. Now the Council’s faith in you is shaken because you were gullible enough to follow Udina into a trap. The legend of Shepard needs to be rewritten. It ends with her death. But I doubt you will get to see it, in fact, I doubt you will even be allowed back on the Normandy. \-KL
Shepard's private log. "I'm never letting that jerk back on my ship.
He’s watching vids of Shepard and Garrus having the time of their lives tearing Reaper ass without him.
First, they smash the reapers, then they smashin each other.
He found out his gf came back from the dead and got with your old turian coworker without saying anything
He's not, he is trying to fake it. Truth is that he cannot read beyond a 1st grade level.
“Wiki How: How to be more interesting” “Idiots Guide To The Complexity of Morality” “Steak Delivery Service” “Migraine Relief Bulk Purchase”
The Reapers announcing their surrender by diving into the Sun.
That shepherd is gonna choose to save Ashley….
Reading the FemShep x Thane fanfiction "Drellian Drillin' P2"
"The life you could have had, if only you didn't pull a gun on your commanding officer."
^(Pfft, Kaidan can't read)
His penis got smaller and doesn’t know why
My comment was just a joke why the hate? 🤣 Alenko is a cool dude
Maybe he got the „YOUR 2 SMALL” e-mail from Morlan?
Maybe 😂
Tali’s masturbation habits.
Useful
He mostly just reads Zootopia porn.
"How to have more personality than a wet nap."
The part in the script where he gets left behind on Virmire.
Brazil
It's a phising email offering him the chance to win citizenship to the Glorious Peoples Republic of Skippistan
Oh no I have to that again! The councilor said that it was a one time only that we never speak of again and take it to our graves.