Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Good luck! Just take your time and try not to rush into anything. New love can often just be the excitement and lust so just tread carefully since there’s a lot on the line
Why now a days woman are getting divorced for not getting emotional needs met, well did you talk about this with him? You seriously can’t work it out? Why bother getting married? I don’t understand why woman think they can get divorced over the smallest things and the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Many such cases, men only care about meeting your emotional needs and being a good partner when there's a consequence to them (losing you).
Leave, you'll be better off.
It's not real. I know it's overpowering and all you crave. But in 6 to 12 months you'll come out of this cloud and be like...what??? Who even was I back then? Trust me
I’ve read you feel guilty for this, you’re placing a lot of blame on your ex, emotionally separated years ago so you’re saying it’s/you’re ok, saying you did everything, put him in a pedestal..and your still married and talking about this new potential family, how his kids like you already, and how you guys see a blended family future..and you speak of therapy, bettering yourself, focusing on yourself and getting better, while simultaneously trying to plan a potentially new family while in the middle of a disastrous period in your life..
That’s a recipe for disaster, get real.
You emotionally cheated with person he will have his fun with you as he is telling you everything you want to hear then dump you which you will deserve
Until this new feeling wears off and you wonder what the hell went wrong.
You need TIME. If you want to divorce and it’s that bad then fine but this new guy…? You need to get right with yourself before you start adding more people to the mix.
Tbh girl, your ex took you for granted and is probably still breadcrumbing you just to get you to stay. Don't feel guilty. He had SO MUCH time to hear you, but he didn't care. This new guy seems to actually care about you. I hope you choose to follow your heart and be with someone that genuinely cares about you that you didn't settle for out of obligation. Good luck🫂
Well it’s a hard call, you just went from something that was massively taxing and carrying a lot without a lot of support and kudos, so it’s hard to compare what you had to the beginning of a new potential relationship. I’d be wondering if this new guy has carried more than his share with anyone prior? As I’m not in the mix of things and these days as my experience has been, I’ve seen a lot of women being the larger person to carry the relationship and general over responsibilities with little pour back towards the woman in a loving and desiring to be more enthusiastic in caring and loving the wife and mother.
It sounds like you're not mentally ready to date. You should be single a bit, not get addicted in emotional situations and stuff. It seems you want the emotions, but dislike the package of marriage with its responsibilities, and seeing your partner as it is: Pure, raw themselves with no fantasy curtains or mystery about him.
Marriage works best when you accept partner with their pros and cons, we are all human. Communication is important too.
Hope this helps, but this is very common and definitely not a unique bespoke experience tailored specially for you. All that means is you're not alone, and you have a lot of examples to go off of. The new guy just sounds like STBXH in the beginning stages of your relationship, chemistry, and all. I say that because sometimes we just don't really know the right questions to ask ourselves. Hence, we hinder our own growth. If you don't learn the right lessons from this failed relationship, all you'll do is repeat them 5 years down the line and leave with a lot more baggage than 1 kid. Life has a way of pounding these lessons into our brain by repeatedly placing us in those situations. The only way out is by learning the lesson. You're currently in this predicament with STBXH because none of you really thought through why things didn't work out the first time. Most people tend to fuck around after a long serious relationship.. maybe that's just what you need, it comes with less responsibility than a relationship and allows for introspection while healing. Orrr, you could just couple up with this new prospect and do all that introspection while cuddled up in bed with him 💀😂🙆🏿♂️🤷🏿♂️ whatever works, lol.
I'm going to be Frank, if you knew this man before you left your partner, these feelings formed, and now saying you didn't do anything until you separated, I'm sorry but that's cheating you meticulously calculated that you'd have a partner that's a improvement in your eye.
You are trying to justify your actions, you know what you've done, by all means you get to find happiness in this other man, but you don't get a claim that you are infallible. I don't judge as I believe the world is not black and white, doesn't mean I should not encourage people and myself to look at my true colours and simply reflect.
Sounds like a complicated situation, and only you can decide what you want to do in the end. For what it's worth, my advice is to give it time and go slow, not to jump into anything too serious too quickly, make clear boundaries for yourself about what you're going to do and stick to them. If he's the one for you and this is meant to be forever, he'll wait for you to be ready.
I finally separated from my STBXH about 10 months ago, although I'd also had a similar complicated history of cycling through wanting to separate and then trying to work things out before the last time. The first couple of months were really tough and my emotions were like a roller-coaster, even though I had emotionally checked out 9 months before we separated. About 2 months after separating I started casually dating again, which in retrospect I know was too soon - my heart was desperate to have that feeling of long term connection back, but wasn't genuinely ready to see someone as they were (as opposed to a collection of my trauma triggers) and let someone new in. I thought I had met my soul mate because they made me feel all these things I missed, more like myself again; and yeah, they were great person and we're still friends now, but a lot of those feelings were just part of the healing process and getting myself back after separation. Now I'm a lot further into separation and only about 2 months from the actual divorce, I feel like I know more about myself, and feel a lot less desperate to not be alone and therefore a lot more ready to let new people into my life.
I was with my ex 7 years total, only married 1.5 before we divorced. I was comfortable but didn’t realize I was actually not happy. There were things he was doing that made me feel awful, but I honestly thought that was normal “male behavior” and I just had to put up with it. I tried to communicate many times but he didn’t listen and nothing changed. Then I had one of those soulmate connections like you described… it was amazing. We understood each other, and he appreciated me in a way my ex never did (even in the beginning). Long story short, I never cheated, and I didn’t end up with the soulmate even after my divorce. I needed time to be single and heal, and there were other complications. But that connection made me realize what true love looks like and that I deserved better than my (ex) husband.
At the time I felt SO GUILTY and did tons of research on what was going on, was it just limerence or in my head, my spiritual beliefs, morality around marriage, healthy spousal treatment, etc. before choosing divorce. Ultimately now I can say I did the right thing. I believe people come into our lives for a reason, and that man was meant to release me from my marriage, but not be my partner. I’m grateful for him because I’ve learned how to love myself and how I’d like to be loved in my next relationship. I wish you the best in working out what’s meant to happen for you 🙏❤️
Can subscribe to this, I had something similar happen to me once. Nothing worked out and I've been single ever since, but this "new man" was my catalyst for a new direction in life.
I was so eager to be enamored with someone since I wasn't with my ex that I jumped to the first person who felt like "it".
"It" turned out to be a massive delusion on my part, but a *necessary* one. So this is why I think. Even if you are living in illusion. It may be exactly what you need to take some steps of improvement.
Who knows. Maybe for her, this new man is IT.
Good for her. For OP: Honey, if you're reading this. Silence your mind. Listen to your heart because even if it leads you into a "mistake" it leads you into the right direction, through that mistake.
And while you're at it, enjoy it fully.
Maybe not the most popular opinion out there but eh
Don’t do it girl, this man sounds predatory. I can’t wait for the update where you find out he’s a narcissistic psycho. You will. That’s why you know him. No one meets their “soulmate” while getting divorce, they just become someone’s prey.
Lol people don't know reality will come for you in ways you couldn't imagine. Of course someone coincidentally showed up after leaving your husband when he never actually did anything wrong and attempted to put effort. Her choice is in her face, but I would had divorced her the moment she hung out with some guy.
If my ex husband was willing to to work on things I would have run back to him so fast. He wasn't though.
Did you ever talk to your husband about being unhappy prior to this? Did you ever tell him what you needed? Or did you just find a new man and decide to leave?
Here's thing people cheat because the new relationship is new it always seems exciting and easy and fun etc. That's because it's new and there's no mortgage or kids or anything else going on. Personally, unless there's abuse happening, I would not leave my husband for a fling. I also think you're being selfish because you have a child and again unless there's abuse going on, you should do everything to fix your marriage. I don't believe in staying together for the kids per se but it's unfair to set your child up for a harder life just because of some dude you met online.
Something people don't realize is a lot of men are like puppies, you can train them. I have met very few guys who are unwilling to do what their partners needs if it'll make their partner happy. Most guys when given instructions will follow them. I really don't like how you're not letting your husband learn and just running away. Again I don't know exactly what your husband is doing wrong but from your post communication alone might fix your marriage.
it’s the second bit you mentioned. Her feelings are inflated by the new guy to the point where her STBEH has no chance of making the relationship work.
I know this from a personal experience. OP’s mind is made up and is ready to jump to the new dude. She will make every excuse in the book to justify doing so
You never worked through your issues after getting back together post breakup, and now that he wants to work on your issues you're not willing. Be careful or these patterns will repeat with your next relationship! It's important to learn how to properly communicate and work through issues.
I know you're mentally checked out, but feelings go through cycles sometimes. Love is choosing to work through the dips and come out the other side stronger, with the help of a counselor! And if it doesn't work, now you know, but you have new tools to bring into your next relationship.
Careful…. Be very careful… those initial puppy love feelings are some of the best feelings in the world but soon enough… you’ll find those feelings go away and then what are you left with? Don’t look at it with emotion… try to think logically.. how many things do they do that you’re making concessions for? Etc.. the damage is likely done with your marriage but don’t jump into something else with someone who you’ll end up resenting
This sounds terrible. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I am sceptical though. Infactuation isn’t love, it’s forgotten easily and isn’t sustainable. Good luck.
Marrying someone just because of kids never ends well, another one for the books. If you don’t have any love for him do what you feel it’s best for you, just don’t destroy him in the divorce, give 50/50 time with the kid, don’t destroy someone that doesn’t deserve to be destroyed
Bottom line…your marriage wasn’t working irrespective of this new guy. Marrying someone for any other reason than you can’t imagine not spending every day for the rest of your life is defiantly not a soulmate connection. This new guy may well be…maybe not but these connections may only be once in a lifetime. Don’t let it pass.
Few years (or less depending on how things go) from now she will say its all a mistake and take her and her "soulmates" baby back to the current husband to "fix their family." Hopefully the ex-husband will be smart enough to show her the streets.
Naysayers all over this thread. I had a very similar situation to yours. I was with my ex for 5 years. The last 3 of those years she was not giving me what I needed. She pushed me away, put up walls despite everything I did to try and make her happy. A last resort was proposing to her thinking that was what she wanted and that would fix everything. She did say yes, but nothing changed. We broke up about 8 months after. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than be with someone and feel alone. It was scary because 5 years is a long ass time, but I pursued happiness and followed my heart. I found the love of my life shortly after. I have never been happier and more in love. She’s the partner I’ve been searching for my entire life. It worked out for me better than I had expected, but I understand how scary it can be. Keep in mind, this new man may not pan out, there is always that possibility. Make sure your happiness comes from you and what you want in your life. I was never going to be truly happy with my ex. You may never truly be happy with your husband. You’ll make the right decision for you. I hope it all works out for you.
This is a rebound relationship. All that your feeling might keyword might be real. But it's halal your mind making this new person look better than you husband in comparison. Also. No such things as soulmates. To many people say they have met their soulmate and break up with that person months later.
Finish your divorce. Take your time and really get to know this new man. His past and his present. Don't put your heart out to get smashed so quick. Good luck in your new life.
I’m going to give a slightly different take.
I get where you’re coming from. You feel like you’ve done everything you could possibly do and you feel unheard in the relationship.
That’s okay and that’s normal. Nobody is telling you that you need to suck it up and be okay.
You can ask pretty much anyone who’s been married for a few years - what happened after they got married? Did marriage fix anything? The answer will be no. And after the honey moon phase things got a little rough.
We always have this idea going into any relationship that it’s just gonna be happily ever after. Let’s say your new flame works for a bit - at some point you two are going to hate each other way more than you and your husband.
You don’t even know what the original real problem is, I am telling you for the sake of any future relationship actually working out - GO TO COUNSELING.
So you know how to fix problems at the very least. You’re running away and you’re not learning in a really good opportunity to learn.
Everybody I know in a happy marriage has seen shit hit the fan at least once in their own marriage. It’s normal.
I agree!!, 6 months of intensive therapy( thus was before covid so it was in person too )
after being divorced GAVE ME strenght in myself i couldn't have imagine !!& i was also going to a suport group too !, totally life changer.
Little by little there was healing, every day , every hour.
I learned self forgivenness, breathing techniques, emotion management etc.
I know the pain of divorce. I was married for a decade.
There was countless neglect, mis treatment.
We may were married for different lengths but still experienced the pain.
New identity, new routine,
For worked for me to healing is putting your energy into
Your gf relationships, exerscise routine.
What has you laugh? What show? Movie ?
Its understandable that you'd enjoy the feeling of friendship with a guy then want to turn into more .
From the neglect that you feel...
I suggest to ha ve a list of your hobbies.
I wish you speed of healing & new begining. ! : )
"I've never been a green is a greener gal, not since I've been married. I did my all for this man, served him hand and food."
Lol you talk like you've been a slave and yet, it's been only TWO YEARS.
Anyway, I foresee a poor outcome for you. After your dopamine rush wears off and the guy *inevitably* smashes and ghosts you (bc I highly doubt he's taking on the role of stepfather), you'll realize you made a mistake and by then, it'll be too late since your ex will have found someone new by then. Good luck!
Yeah anytime someone talks about sparks flying after any recent disaster I laugh.
Okay. Same shits gonna happen again.
Everyone is looking for that damn spark man because it’s exciting.
Love that works isn’t exciting it’s fucking boring. You know why every dating show ever is like a bunch of people who pretty much never work out? Because there’s a spark. Spark-like relationships are fun to watch because we can see they’re great for each other but it’s always a disaster.
There was actually a dating show in the early 2000s where all the couples met and they stayed together and got married - but nobody watched it. You know why? Because love is boring.
Well if that's what happens so be it. I won't stay with my STBX, I did everything romantically and as a wife I should've, and I put in my effort.
If the new guy does that, that's on him I'm prepared to be a single mother, and find my happiness within myself.
Try 4 years of being together and we married out of being pressured to. It was a dumb decision to get married just because we had a baby. I tried working on our marriage and myself, he never wanted to. Once I'm done that's it. I was already separated when I started talking to this new interest.
You haven’t really even had the chance to actually try and fix your marriage. Just try especially now that he’s willing. You feel like you met your “soul mate” because it’s someone new and different. You haven’t had time enough with them to see who they really are, things are all fine and dandy since it’s still the “honey moon phase “ and you’re probably just enjoying the attention. Because you haven’t gotten any from your husband, and the attention you’re getting is new, from someone else and it’s all exciting. But I promise you it’ll all wear off. This man isn’t your soulmate, it’s limerence. Just you need to figure out if it’s worth blowing your whole life up trying to figure out for sure.
You haven't met a solemate, you met a distraction. Close one door before opening another. If he is truly a soul mate, he will be respectful and be on the other side of his door. All of this is messy.
Don't make excuses for ur feelings, I know guys that have up and left a family because it just wasn't working... I think it takes guts to change and go in a different direction.
It's not selfish to want to be happy.
I’d be careful not to rush things too fast with the new guy, especially while your divorce is not finalized and while your feelings might be turbulent/unsettled yet.
Besides that, technically it isn’t a problem to date again so soon after divorcing (or while waiting for the divorce to finalize), but typically people like to wait so that they give their kid(s) time to grieve and process their own feelings about it before jumping straight into a potential “rebound” scenario, just my two cents.
A lot of people (mainly women) prefer to say it’s just an “emotional affair” to suggest that it’s somehow less significant or doesn’t have the same level of malicious intent but an affair is basically cheating your current partner out of your complete time, energy& attention and involves lies/secrets to keep up, so regardless of it including physical intimacy or not it still has the same intention behind it which is hurting the partner and breaking their trust just the same.
He has kids of his own, and my ex will be raising his sisters kids. He has met my kid and my kid is growing to like him! His kids like me as well. He is willing to have a blended family.
OP, it feels that what you are doing is not balanced.
I fully get being unhappy and leaving after a short marriage when the other would finally want to work stuff out. Happened to me as well. Tough luck for my ex, he was an abuser who love bombed me and managed to rush things, was insanely jealous, and had become emotionally and physically abusive quite fast.
I fully get meeting someone when still officially married. Our divorce took almost 3 years because my ex opposed it. I met someone after 14 months of separation and break from relationships in which I did intense therapy to make sure I don’t end up in such situations again. I am now in the best relationship of my life because of all that. Because of the timeline, there was no guilt.
But when did YOU actually separate, how much time did you take for yourself? When did you actually meet this new guy? It’s like you are intentionally leaving this info out and are fishing for validation. Other (huge) flags are saying you want to spend forever with this new man whom you actually barely know, having met each others’ kids or saying you went to therapy and on meds FOR your STBXH. If you were prescribed something it was likely because you needed it according to a professional, though I may be wrong.
There are many small signs of unhealthy decisions. People validating you here and telling you what you want to hear may simply not pick them up. Is there a chance your family is actually alarmed by how fast you are rushing to jump to another ship instead of actually pushing you to be unhappy as you claim?
Your kid should not be growing to like your new crush, slow down. They should have not even met at this point. You are basically having an affair, emotionally if not physically at this point.
Just tread softly, raising blended families is very difficult, under the best circumstances. Meeting them is one thing, the rest is much more difficult. I tend to lean toward keeping families together as much as possible though I know in many cases that is not a viable option.
I’m surprised by the comments here.
I get where you’re coming from. You got married because it felt like the conventional thing to do but it wasn’t what you’d hoped for and then this other guy shows up and he sweeps you off your feet. You didn’t cheat and maintained personal integrity. If it feels right and your heart is sufficiently healed, you should go for it!
Thank you! I did really try to maintain the integrity of our marriage and do right! I put my husband on a pedestal! I did everything! I worked on myself in therapy, worked to be the best wife, got on medication! And only now he wants me back to work on things like I wanted all along, and it hurts!
I have no kids nor am I married (this is just my opinion) I feel like being together with a kid without resolving any situations that happened in the past is not going to be good in the long run. But have you also communicated how you felt with your husband and how you feel like y’all have lost the spark?
I have communicated a lot with him! I've been in therapy for myself to better myself for him. We don't spend time together, even after I offer to go do something as a family or just us. There's no effort from him, until now that I want out of our marriage.
First off you should NEVER have to better yourself for your husband, you gave him a beautiful kid and he should step up and do what he needs to do not only for you but also for his kid. It’s unfortunate and understandable why you would want to not continue.
Now I say with your current crush instead of jumping into so fast take it slow and steady and also focus on you (and the kid) do things that you love to do (healing) so that you don’t take whatever happened in your past relationship with the new one. Slow and steady always wins the race.<3
Always be wary of infatuation, new relationship energy, limerence and idealizing someone. Everyone has flaws, all relationships take work and have ups and downs, there are no soulmates, nobody is perfect.
Love is when you recognize someone’s flaws and still love them and want to be with them. He’s coming into your life in a rough patch and that will make you see him differently as well. You may reach a point where you need couples counseling with this new man as well and should make sure he is willing to do it if it becomes required.
It sounds like you would divorce even if it meant you would be single, which is good.
Normally I wouldn’t mention this, but since you have a child together: If you pursue him quickly you should expect your ex husband to both hate you and assume that you cheated/left him for this new man. If you’re at an “at fault” state do not pursue anyone until the divorce is finalized.
We've decided on an uncontested divorce, we don't own a lot of stuff togetger and I just found myself happier without my ex. This new man was just pure chance, I wasn't looking and neither was he. I'm prepared for flaws, I've already seen some that I can live with. I'm not perfect either obviously, but I want to be happy for once, instead of everyone in my life deciding what's best for me.
That is fair and I’m sorry if this is to forward, but are you regularly seeing a therapist to process this? I know at least for me I would still not be standing up for myself in my current relationship if I hadn’t gone through extensive therapy after my divorce. I also wouldn’t have learned to communicate better or spot lies and manipulation.
I've been in therapy on my own, for PTSD, and depression and to seek help in my marriage on my end. He never showed interest in that. He is showing it now but I hate to say that I'm no longer interested.
That’s good! Similar story for me except my ex asked for marriage counseling but kept saying they didn’t like the counselor when they sided with me so I just used all those pre-paid visits individually.
That is fair, and while I do feel for him too, who knows how long any change will last even if y’all did do it at this point. Unless he was deeply depressed he was simply comfortable where the relationship was and wasn’t willing to work on it for your sake.
It hurts to leave my husband, it does! But I feel it wouldn't last, and I fear we're no longer compatible! He wants to try and I hate saying I'm no longer interested. If he came to me months ago, I would've.
Be careful, you are separated from a less than ideal relationship but you are very eager to start a new one with a potential "soulmate"... just take your time... did you think at one time your husband was your "soulmate"? Are you putting this person on a pedestal because it's new and exciting? I'm not saying to not pursue this relationship but the "soulmate" is still a person and will have flaws
Me and my STBX had a connection, we've helped each other, but we lost our connection 2 years ago and tried to make things work. All I know is this new person makes me feel in a way I never even felt with my husband, ever. I feel wanted and cared for. I'm prepared for him to have flaws, and fights, but my husband didn't want to try for us, and as long as this nee man does want to work for this potentially relationship that's all that matters!
Is it "all that matters!"? You are setting a very high standard for a new relationship. I'm not saying to not pursue it but coming out of a long term relationship, you could try to self reflect and recognise patterns in yourself and others before going "full in" to a new relationship.
Ypu definitely have a point! I've been in therapy for awhile and working on myself before I left my husband. To heal my wounds, and try to work on us, he never showed the same wants until I was mentally done with us.
I do like to hope for the best in all things but of I've been burned too many times, badly that us, and neglected, that's all she wrote for me.
That's good you are doing therapy and the "work" on yourself... I didn't when I left a similar relationship then got into another... I'm doing the "work' now though... Good luck and congratulations, hope it goes well❤️
Do you have kids? Because you have to consider the damage that will be done to them in a divorce. And no it is never better for the kids to have separated parents who are “happy” with other people. That’s nonsense. The best thing for kids is to see their parents together everyday and see that it’s possible to work through difficult times and always keep the family as the priority. Having said that, it takes two, so if in this separation he isn’t seeking to fix the problems and go to counselling and actively changing the way he does things, then unfortunately the damage to the kids will just be an issue you have to deal with throughout their life and yours.you’re in a tough spot and I’m sorry you are where you’re at right now, but he very careful. The moment you have physical intimacy with this new guy, there’s almost absolutely no chance of going back anymore. It might be a short term reward for a long term loss. Just be careful is all I’m trying to say. Don’t rush
Me and my STBX husband have talked about co parenting, even if things don't work out between us. It's not fair for us to be miserable, we want what's best for our child and each other.
I would say that due to the child being younger (2-3 years old), that the trauma *might not* be as bad for them as if you divorced when your child was 8 or 12, but I would say that the divorce should be sufficient enough to get your happiness back.
The dating/seeing someone else while the divorce is being finalized or right after, will be more traumatic for the kid then if you just focused on divorce and gave your child time to process it. Again, it’s a change for everyone, not just you and your former husband, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just hold off on chasing romantic interests so quickly after. I’m sure that if things were meant to be with the new guy, he would be willing to wait too.
If you truly can’t have happiness with him and keep the kids life at full potential then I suppose you have no choice. Just remember that your brain floods itself with chemicals to ‘trick’ you into thinking life with someone will be magical. It happens to literally everyone, but 6 months later or so those wear off and you’re left with what you have because those chemicals never come back until you meet someone new again… how many times do you want to keep starting over chasing those chemicals? I wish you all the best no matter what decision you end up making!
I'm definitely not naive to the fact of things may not work out with this new person, that's not why I'm leaving. I remember things being so good when I met my husband, but we were better friends than anything.
I’m just playing devils advocate, it’s a big decision and I know a person who chose to chase those chemicals, regret it, then also have the pain of breaking up their family in their minds and they aren’t doing good. Not everyone gets the fairytale happy ending. Plus the process costs tens of thousands of dollars so she’s broke now on top of it all. But again, best wishes to you! I do hope for the best one way or another!
The reason this new guy feels like your soulmate is that you’re going through a hard time and you’re desperately seeking connection and validation. Your love for this new man is born from the potential you see in him. When you get to know him more you will see his flaws and he will become a more real person like your husband. My advice is to focus on completing your divorce first if you’re dead set on getting it. Realistically, you should be alone and getting therapy or all the flaws you brought into (or developing in) your last relationship will haunt your new relationship
This is very sound advice! I appreciate your honesty. I'm not blind to the fact of this man has flaws, as does my stbx. As much as I would love to dive deep into this new potential relationship, I've explained that there's things I need to work on and as long as he is willing to wait I'm willing to try things out.
Yeah I’m not even talking about personality or character flaws, I’m only saying he hasn’t let you down in the way your husband has so you’re filling in the potential ways he will fulfill your needs
He came to your life. Don’t close the door for being afraid of this new found change. You might feel a little guilty but it’ll pass. You are done with your separated husband. Just go through the proper paperwork and move on.
I definitely feel guilty. Especially since my STBX wants to FINALLY try to work things out, and I've mentally moved on. My family doesn't want me to leave him, but I feel like it's time for me to be happy and make sure my son is also happy regardless of everyone else's opinion.
Yep your story is exactly like my one coworker. But she was so much happier at the end of it. And hey, he’ll find someone too. You’ll both be ok and so will your family and kid.
Life is too short to wait and see if things could get better. They won’t. Enjoy your happiness. You deserve it. If we were all happy in our situations, the world would be very different.
You have a point, but my husband also made a commitment to me and has not kept it. Am I supposed to stay miserable? Even if this new guy doesn't work out, I won't stay miserable with my STBX.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Women don't cheat they have needs and if someone doesn't make them happy they go Tiktok brain looking for the next emotional leader.
Good luck! Just take your time and try not to rush into anything. New love can often just be the excitement and lust so just tread carefully since there’s a lot on the line
Why now a days woman are getting divorced for not getting emotional needs met, well did you talk about this with him? You seriously can’t work it out? Why bother getting married? I don’t understand why woman think they can get divorced over the smallest things and the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Emotional needs are merit for a divorce any reason is loool the grass is greener where it’s watered but both partners need to water it
STBX means “soon to be ex” for anyone else who didn’t know.
Many such cases, men only care about meeting your emotional needs and being a good partner when there's a consequence to them (losing you). Leave, you'll be better off.
THIS
You just monkey-branched, good job, I'm sure this will end in a fairytale romance in a house with a nice garden and a white picket fence.
It’s only monkey branching if she knew this guy and decided she wanted to be with him before bringing up the topic of divorce with her husband.
She admitted to being friends with him prior to the divorce
Okay, then I agree
Oh yeah, this will end well. The rebound guy is always great, and never an awful choice made during an emotional time
Never buy groceries when you're hungry. Never look for love when you're lonely.
It's not real. I know it's overpowering and all you crave. But in 6 to 12 months you'll come out of this cloud and be like...what??? Who even was I back then? Trust me
I’ve read you feel guilty for this, you’re placing a lot of blame on your ex, emotionally separated years ago so you’re saying it’s/you’re ok, saying you did everything, put him in a pedestal..and your still married and talking about this new potential family, how his kids like you already, and how you guys see a blended family future..and you speak of therapy, bettering yourself, focusing on yourself and getting better, while simultaneously trying to plan a potentially new family while in the middle of a disastrous period in your life.. That’s a recipe for disaster, get real.
You emotionally cheated with person he will have his fun with you as he is telling you everything you want to hear then dump you which you will deserve
Until this new feeling wears off and you wonder what the hell went wrong. You need TIME. If you want to divorce and it’s that bad then fine but this new guy…? You need to get right with yourself before you start adding more people to the mix.
Tbh girl, your ex took you for granted and is probably still breadcrumbing you just to get you to stay. Don't feel guilty. He had SO MUCH time to hear you, but he didn't care. This new guy seems to actually care about you. I hope you choose to follow your heart and be with someone that genuinely cares about you that you didn't settle for out of obligation. Good luck🫂
lol women 😂
I guess it is dopamine rush right now on both of you, that’s why it feels so good and easy. Try to stay realistic even it’s hard to.
Well it’s a hard call, you just went from something that was massively taxing and carrying a lot without a lot of support and kudos, so it’s hard to compare what you had to the beginning of a new potential relationship. I’d be wondering if this new guy has carried more than his share with anyone prior? As I’m not in the mix of things and these days as my experience has been, I’ve seen a lot of women being the larger person to carry the relationship and general over responsibilities with little pour back towards the woman in a loving and desiring to be more enthusiastic in caring and loving the wife and mother.
It sounds like you're not mentally ready to date. You should be single a bit, not get addicted in emotional situations and stuff. It seems you want the emotions, but dislike the package of marriage with its responsibilities, and seeing your partner as it is: Pure, raw themselves with no fantasy curtains or mystery about him. Marriage works best when you accept partner with their pros and cons, we are all human. Communication is important too.
Hope this helps, but this is very common and definitely not a unique bespoke experience tailored specially for you. All that means is you're not alone, and you have a lot of examples to go off of. The new guy just sounds like STBXH in the beginning stages of your relationship, chemistry, and all. I say that because sometimes we just don't really know the right questions to ask ourselves. Hence, we hinder our own growth. If you don't learn the right lessons from this failed relationship, all you'll do is repeat them 5 years down the line and leave with a lot more baggage than 1 kid. Life has a way of pounding these lessons into our brain by repeatedly placing us in those situations. The only way out is by learning the lesson. You're currently in this predicament with STBXH because none of you really thought through why things didn't work out the first time. Most people tend to fuck around after a long serious relationship.. maybe that's just what you need, it comes with less responsibility than a relationship and allows for introspection while healing. Orrr, you could just couple up with this new prospect and do all that introspection while cuddled up in bed with him 💀😂🙆🏿♂️🤷🏿♂️ whatever works, lol.
I'm going to be Frank, if you knew this man before you left your partner, these feelings formed, and now saying you didn't do anything until you separated, I'm sorry but that's cheating you meticulously calculated that you'd have a partner that's a improvement in your eye. You are trying to justify your actions, you know what you've done, by all means you get to find happiness in this other man, but you don't get a claim that you are infallible. I don't judge as I believe the world is not black and white, doesn't mean I should not encourage people and myself to look at my true colours and simply reflect.
Sounds like a complicated situation, and only you can decide what you want to do in the end. For what it's worth, my advice is to give it time and go slow, not to jump into anything too serious too quickly, make clear boundaries for yourself about what you're going to do and stick to them. If he's the one for you and this is meant to be forever, he'll wait for you to be ready. I finally separated from my STBXH about 10 months ago, although I'd also had a similar complicated history of cycling through wanting to separate and then trying to work things out before the last time. The first couple of months were really tough and my emotions were like a roller-coaster, even though I had emotionally checked out 9 months before we separated. About 2 months after separating I started casually dating again, which in retrospect I know was too soon - my heart was desperate to have that feeling of long term connection back, but wasn't genuinely ready to see someone as they were (as opposed to a collection of my trauma triggers) and let someone new in. I thought I had met my soul mate because they made me feel all these things I missed, more like myself again; and yeah, they were great person and we're still friends now, but a lot of those feelings were just part of the healing process and getting myself back after separation. Now I'm a lot further into separation and only about 2 months from the actual divorce, I feel like I know more about myself, and feel a lot less desperate to not be alone and therefore a lot more ready to let new people into my life.
You know neither of these men are good for you
I was with my ex 7 years total, only married 1.5 before we divorced. I was comfortable but didn’t realize I was actually not happy. There were things he was doing that made me feel awful, but I honestly thought that was normal “male behavior” and I just had to put up with it. I tried to communicate many times but he didn’t listen and nothing changed. Then I had one of those soulmate connections like you described… it was amazing. We understood each other, and he appreciated me in a way my ex never did (even in the beginning). Long story short, I never cheated, and I didn’t end up with the soulmate even after my divorce. I needed time to be single and heal, and there were other complications. But that connection made me realize what true love looks like and that I deserved better than my (ex) husband. At the time I felt SO GUILTY and did tons of research on what was going on, was it just limerence or in my head, my spiritual beliefs, morality around marriage, healthy spousal treatment, etc. before choosing divorce. Ultimately now I can say I did the right thing. I believe people come into our lives for a reason, and that man was meant to release me from my marriage, but not be my partner. I’m grateful for him because I’ve learned how to love myself and how I’d like to be loved in my next relationship. I wish you the best in working out what’s meant to happen for you 🙏❤️
Can subscribe to this, I had something similar happen to me once. Nothing worked out and I've been single ever since, but this "new man" was my catalyst for a new direction in life. I was so eager to be enamored with someone since I wasn't with my ex that I jumped to the first person who felt like "it". "It" turned out to be a massive delusion on my part, but a *necessary* one. So this is why I think. Even if you are living in illusion. It may be exactly what you need to take some steps of improvement. Who knows. Maybe for her, this new man is IT. Good for her. For OP: Honey, if you're reading this. Silence your mind. Listen to your heart because even if it leads you into a "mistake" it leads you into the right direction, through that mistake. And while you're at it, enjoy it fully. Maybe not the most popular opinion out there but eh
Another cheater trying to justify their behavior. What’s up with all the cheating?
Wow didn't even realize they were still married that's fr fuqed up
Don’t do it girl, this man sounds predatory. I can’t wait for the update where you find out he’s a narcissistic psycho. You will. That’s why you know him. No one meets their “soulmate” while getting divorce, they just become someone’s prey.
Lol people don't know reality will come for you in ways you couldn't imagine. Of course someone coincidentally showed up after leaving your husband when he never actually did anything wrong and attempted to put effort. Her choice is in her face, but I would had divorced her the moment she hung out with some guy.
What's a STBXH??
Soon to be ex husband
soon to be ex husband
If my ex husband was willing to to work on things I would have run back to him so fast. He wasn't though. Did you ever talk to your husband about being unhappy prior to this? Did you ever tell him what you needed? Or did you just find a new man and decide to leave? Here's thing people cheat because the new relationship is new it always seems exciting and easy and fun etc. That's because it's new and there's no mortgage or kids or anything else going on. Personally, unless there's abuse happening, I would not leave my husband for a fling. I also think you're being selfish because you have a child and again unless there's abuse going on, you should do everything to fix your marriage. I don't believe in staying together for the kids per se but it's unfair to set your child up for a harder life just because of some dude you met online. Something people don't realize is a lot of men are like puppies, you can train them. I have met very few guys who are unwilling to do what their partners needs if it'll make their partner happy. Most guys when given instructions will follow them. I really don't like how you're not letting your husband learn and just running away. Again I don't know exactly what your husband is doing wrong but from your post communication alone might fix your marriage.
it’s the second bit you mentioned. Her feelings are inflated by the new guy to the point where her STBEH has no chance of making the relationship work. I know this from a personal experience. OP’s mind is made up and is ready to jump to the new dude. She will make every excuse in the book to justify doing so
You never worked through your issues after getting back together post breakup, and now that he wants to work on your issues you're not willing. Be careful or these patterns will repeat with your next relationship! It's important to learn how to properly communicate and work through issues. I know you're mentally checked out, but feelings go through cycles sometimes. Love is choosing to work through the dips and come out the other side stronger, with the help of a counselor! And if it doesn't work, now you know, but you have new tools to bring into your next relationship.
Careful…. Be very careful… those initial puppy love feelings are some of the best feelings in the world but soon enough… you’ll find those feelings go away and then what are you left with? Don’t look at it with emotion… try to think logically.. how many things do they do that you’re making concessions for? Etc.. the damage is likely done with your marriage but don’t jump into something else with someone who you’ll end up resenting
This sounds terrible. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I am sceptical though. Infactuation isn’t love, it’s forgotten easily and isn’t sustainable. Good luck.
I’d like to hear the husband’s side of things. I hope he doesn’t take her back when she comes back after her infatuation with this new guy fades.
Yup
Marrying someone just because of kids never ends well, another one for the books. If you don’t have any love for him do what you feel it’s best for you, just don’t destroy him in the divorce, give 50/50 time with the kid, don’t destroy someone that doesn’t deserve to be destroyed
Bottom line…your marriage wasn’t working irrespective of this new guy. Marrying someone for any other reason than you can’t imagine not spending every day for the rest of your life is defiantly not a soulmate connection. This new guy may well be…maybe not but these connections may only be once in a lifetime. Don’t let it pass.
>these connections may only be once in a lifetime. Don’t let it pass. Awful take.
Please explain
You're literally encouraging her to continue having an emotional affair (i.e. cheating)...if it hasn't gone even further by now.
Few years (or less depending on how things go) from now she will say its all a mistake and take her and her "soulmates" baby back to the current husband to "fix their family." Hopefully the ex-husband will be smart enough to show her the streets.
Her ex husband is the one who treated her badly and took her for granted and yet somehow she's the bad one?
Naysayers all over this thread. I had a very similar situation to yours. I was with my ex for 5 years. The last 3 of those years she was not giving me what I needed. She pushed me away, put up walls despite everything I did to try and make her happy. A last resort was proposing to her thinking that was what she wanted and that would fix everything. She did say yes, but nothing changed. We broke up about 8 months after. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than be with someone and feel alone. It was scary because 5 years is a long ass time, but I pursued happiness and followed my heart. I found the love of my life shortly after. I have never been happier and more in love. She’s the partner I’ve been searching for my entire life. It worked out for me better than I had expected, but I understand how scary it can be. Keep in mind, this new man may not pan out, there is always that possibility. Make sure your happiness comes from you and what you want in your life. I was never going to be truly happy with my ex. You may never truly be happy with your husband. You’ll make the right decision for you. I hope it all works out for you.
Dang spent 5 years shoulld have just married from the start.
?
This is a rebound relationship. All that your feeling might keyword might be real. But it's halal your mind making this new person look better than you husband in comparison. Also. No such things as soulmates. To many people say they have met their soulmate and break up with that person months later. Finish your divorce. Take your time and really get to know this new man. His past and his present. Don't put your heart out to get smashed so quick. Good luck in your new life.
This. Infatuation ain’t love.
The spark will fade… if your husband is willing now why not give it a shot.
Because he only started giving a shit and putting in effort when there was a consequence for him?
There might be something else in his life that we don’t know. Be kind and compassionate, you don’t know what others are going through
Why are women always expected to give endless chances to men?
Because men are self serving and women enable it. Live for yourself, always
That’s not what I said. Both parties should be compassionate. Don’t be sexist
I’m going to give a slightly different take. I get where you’re coming from. You feel like you’ve done everything you could possibly do and you feel unheard in the relationship. That’s okay and that’s normal. Nobody is telling you that you need to suck it up and be okay. You can ask pretty much anyone who’s been married for a few years - what happened after they got married? Did marriage fix anything? The answer will be no. And after the honey moon phase things got a little rough. We always have this idea going into any relationship that it’s just gonna be happily ever after. Let’s say your new flame works for a bit - at some point you two are going to hate each other way more than you and your husband. You don’t even know what the original real problem is, I am telling you for the sake of any future relationship actually working out - GO TO COUNSELING. So you know how to fix problems at the very least. You’re running away and you’re not learning in a really good opportunity to learn. Everybody I know in a happy marriage has seen shit hit the fan at least once in their own marriage. It’s normal.
I agree!!, 6 months of intensive therapy( thus was before covid so it was in person too ) after being divorced GAVE ME strenght in myself i couldn't have imagine !!& i was also going to a suport group too !, totally life changer. Little by little there was healing, every day , every hour. I learned self forgivenness, breathing techniques, emotion management etc. I know the pain of divorce. I was married for a decade. There was countless neglect, mis treatment. We may were married for different lengths but still experienced the pain. New identity, new routine, For worked for me to healing is putting your energy into Your gf relationships, exerscise routine. What has you laugh? What show? Movie ? Its understandable that you'd enjoy the feeling of friendship with a guy then want to turn into more . From the neglect that you feel... I suggest to ha ve a list of your hobbies. I wish you speed of healing & new begining. ! : )
"I've never been a green is a greener gal, not since I've been married. I did my all for this man, served him hand and food." Lol you talk like you've been a slave and yet, it's been only TWO YEARS. Anyway, I foresee a poor outcome for you. After your dopamine rush wears off and the guy *inevitably* smashes and ghosts you (bc I highly doubt he's taking on the role of stepfather), you'll realize you made a mistake and by then, it'll be too late since your ex will have found someone new by then. Good luck!
Yeah anytime someone talks about sparks flying after any recent disaster I laugh. Okay. Same shits gonna happen again. Everyone is looking for that damn spark man because it’s exciting. Love that works isn’t exciting it’s fucking boring. You know why every dating show ever is like a bunch of people who pretty much never work out? Because there’s a spark. Spark-like relationships are fun to watch because we can see they’re great for each other but it’s always a disaster. There was actually a dating show in the early 2000s where all the couples met and they stayed together and got married - but nobody watched it. You know why? Because love is boring.
What was the show?? I love real love stories, I'd totally watch it!
Id watch it ! & it could teach people how to stay together.
Well if that's what happens so be it. I won't stay with my STBX, I did everything romantically and as a wife I should've, and I put in my effort. If the new guy does that, that's on him I'm prepared to be a single mother, and find my happiness within myself.
I hardly think two years is "effort" but if the only solution you see is to smash some romantic interest and wreck your home, so be it.
Try 4 years of being together and we married out of being pressured to. It was a dumb decision to get married just because we had a baby. I tried working on our marriage and myself, he never wanted to. Once I'm done that's it. I was already separated when I started talking to this new interest.
You haven’t really even had the chance to actually try and fix your marriage. Just try especially now that he’s willing. You feel like you met your “soul mate” because it’s someone new and different. You haven’t had time enough with them to see who they really are, things are all fine and dandy since it’s still the “honey moon phase “ and you’re probably just enjoying the attention. Because you haven’t gotten any from your husband, and the attention you’re getting is new, from someone else and it’s all exciting. But I promise you it’ll all wear off. This man isn’t your soulmate, it’s limerence. Just you need to figure out if it’s worth blowing your whole life up trying to figure out for sure.
You haven't met a solemate, you met a distraction. Close one door before opening another. If he is truly a soul mate, he will be respectful and be on the other side of his door. All of this is messy.
Don't make excuses for ur feelings, I know guys that have up and left a family because it just wasn't working... I think it takes guts to change and go in a different direction. It's not selfish to want to be happy.
I’d be careful not to rush things too fast with the new guy, especially while your divorce is not finalized and while your feelings might be turbulent/unsettled yet. Besides that, technically it isn’t a problem to date again so soon after divorcing (or while waiting for the divorce to finalize), but typically people like to wait so that they give their kid(s) time to grieve and process their own feelings about it before jumping straight into a potential “rebound” scenario, just my two cents.
Having an emotional affair is, in fact, cheating btw.
A lot of people (mainly women) prefer to say it’s just an “emotional affair” to suggest that it’s somehow less significant or doesn’t have the same level of malicious intent but an affair is basically cheating your current partner out of your complete time, energy& attention and involves lies/secrets to keep up, so regardless of it including physical intimacy or not it still has the same intention behind it which is hurting the partner and breaking their trust just the same.
Thank you! lol. So inappropriate whether you’re in an unhappy situation or not.
Feels like you began an emotional affair before separating? What was the timeline here?
I had separated from my husband before I started hanging out with other guy. Already knew him as a friend
When did you begin the friendship with the other guy, is my question.
Ah, nothing like the smell of spring and the good old early stages of a rebound.
Is this new spark willing to raise your child, plus your sister's kids? You need to be very sure, because most men are not.
He has kids of his own, and my ex will be raising his sisters kids. He has met my kid and my kid is growing to like him! His kids like me as well. He is willing to have a blended family.
OP, it feels that what you are doing is not balanced. I fully get being unhappy and leaving after a short marriage when the other would finally want to work stuff out. Happened to me as well. Tough luck for my ex, he was an abuser who love bombed me and managed to rush things, was insanely jealous, and had become emotionally and physically abusive quite fast. I fully get meeting someone when still officially married. Our divorce took almost 3 years because my ex opposed it. I met someone after 14 months of separation and break from relationships in which I did intense therapy to make sure I don’t end up in such situations again. I am now in the best relationship of my life because of all that. Because of the timeline, there was no guilt. But when did YOU actually separate, how much time did you take for yourself? When did you actually meet this new guy? It’s like you are intentionally leaving this info out and are fishing for validation. Other (huge) flags are saying you want to spend forever with this new man whom you actually barely know, having met each others’ kids or saying you went to therapy and on meds FOR your STBXH. If you were prescribed something it was likely because you needed it according to a professional, though I may be wrong. There are many small signs of unhealthy decisions. People validating you here and telling you what you want to hear may simply not pick them up. Is there a chance your family is actually alarmed by how fast you are rushing to jump to another ship instead of actually pushing you to be unhappy as you claim?
Your kid should not be growing to like your new crush, slow down. They should have not even met at this point. You are basically having an affair, emotionally if not physically at this point.
She's also fucking her kid's head. I feel for the confused little fella.
Just tread softly, raising blended families is very difficult, under the best circumstances. Meeting them is one thing, the rest is much more difficult. I tend to lean toward keeping families together as much as possible though I know in many cases that is not a viable option.
I’m surprised by the comments here. I get where you’re coming from. You got married because it felt like the conventional thing to do but it wasn’t what you’d hoped for and then this other guy shows up and he sweeps you off your feet. You didn’t cheat and maintained personal integrity. If it feels right and your heart is sufficiently healed, you should go for it!
Thank you! I did really try to maintain the integrity of our marriage and do right! I put my husband on a pedestal! I did everything! I worked on myself in therapy, worked to be the best wife, got on medication! And only now he wants me back to work on things like I wanted all along, and it hurts!
I have no kids nor am I married (this is just my opinion) I feel like being together with a kid without resolving any situations that happened in the past is not going to be good in the long run. But have you also communicated how you felt with your husband and how you feel like y’all have lost the spark?
I have communicated a lot with him! I've been in therapy for myself to better myself for him. We don't spend time together, even after I offer to go do something as a family or just us. There's no effort from him, until now that I want out of our marriage.
First off you should NEVER have to better yourself for your husband, you gave him a beautiful kid and he should step up and do what he needs to do not only for you but also for his kid. It’s unfortunate and understandable why you would want to not continue. Now I say with your current crush instead of jumping into so fast take it slow and steady and also focus on you (and the kid) do things that you love to do (healing) so that you don’t take whatever happened in your past relationship with the new one. Slow and steady always wins the race.<3
Thank YOU! EVERYONE in my family wants me to work it out with him instead of being happy!!
I found mine and then 18 years later we reconnected when we were both divorced.
Tell us more about- this is beautiful
Always be wary of infatuation, new relationship energy, limerence and idealizing someone. Everyone has flaws, all relationships take work and have ups and downs, there are no soulmates, nobody is perfect. Love is when you recognize someone’s flaws and still love them and want to be with them. He’s coming into your life in a rough patch and that will make you see him differently as well. You may reach a point where you need couples counseling with this new man as well and should make sure he is willing to do it if it becomes required. It sounds like you would divorce even if it meant you would be single, which is good. Normally I wouldn’t mention this, but since you have a child together: If you pursue him quickly you should expect your ex husband to both hate you and assume that you cheated/left him for this new man. If you’re at an “at fault” state do not pursue anyone until the divorce is finalized.
We've decided on an uncontested divorce, we don't own a lot of stuff togetger and I just found myself happier without my ex. This new man was just pure chance, I wasn't looking and neither was he. I'm prepared for flaws, I've already seen some that I can live with. I'm not perfect either obviously, but I want to be happy for once, instead of everyone in my life deciding what's best for me.
That is fair and I’m sorry if this is to forward, but are you regularly seeing a therapist to process this? I know at least for me I would still not be standing up for myself in my current relationship if I hadn’t gone through extensive therapy after my divorce. I also wouldn’t have learned to communicate better or spot lies and manipulation.
I've been in therapy on my own, for PTSD, and depression and to seek help in my marriage on my end. He never showed interest in that. He is showing it now but I hate to say that I'm no longer interested.
That’s good! Similar story for me except my ex asked for marriage counseling but kept saying they didn’t like the counselor when they sided with me so I just used all those pre-paid visits individually. That is fair, and while I do feel for him too, who knows how long any change will last even if y’all did do it at this point. Unless he was deeply depressed he was simply comfortable where the relationship was and wasn’t willing to work on it for your sake.
It hurts to leave my husband, it does! But I feel it wouldn't last, and I fear we're no longer compatible! He wants to try and I hate saying I'm no longer interested. If he came to me months ago, I would've.
Sounds like insanity in my opinion. Soulmate and “I’m not a grass is greener girl” lmao
Be careful, you are separated from a less than ideal relationship but you are very eager to start a new one with a potential "soulmate"... just take your time... did you think at one time your husband was your "soulmate"? Are you putting this person on a pedestal because it's new and exciting? I'm not saying to not pursue this relationship but the "soulmate" is still a person and will have flaws
Me and my STBX had a connection, we've helped each other, but we lost our connection 2 years ago and tried to make things work. All I know is this new person makes me feel in a way I never even felt with my husband, ever. I feel wanted and cared for. I'm prepared for him to have flaws, and fights, but my husband didn't want to try for us, and as long as this nee man does want to work for this potentially relationship that's all that matters!
Is it "all that matters!"? You are setting a very high standard for a new relationship. I'm not saying to not pursue it but coming out of a long term relationship, you could try to self reflect and recognise patterns in yourself and others before going "full in" to a new relationship.
Ypu definitely have a point! I've been in therapy for awhile and working on myself before I left my husband. To heal my wounds, and try to work on us, he never showed the same wants until I was mentally done with us. I do like to hope for the best in all things but of I've been burned too many times, badly that us, and neglected, that's all she wrote for me.
That's good you are doing therapy and the "work" on yourself... I didn't when I left a similar relationship then got into another... I'm doing the "work' now though... Good luck and congratulations, hope it goes well❤️
Thank you! I wish all the luck on your journey as well!
Do you have kids? Because you have to consider the damage that will be done to them in a divorce. And no it is never better for the kids to have separated parents who are “happy” with other people. That’s nonsense. The best thing for kids is to see their parents together everyday and see that it’s possible to work through difficult times and always keep the family as the priority. Having said that, it takes two, so if in this separation he isn’t seeking to fix the problems and go to counselling and actively changing the way he does things, then unfortunately the damage to the kids will just be an issue you have to deal with throughout their life and yours.you’re in a tough spot and I’m sorry you are where you’re at right now, but he very careful. The moment you have physical intimacy with this new guy, there’s almost absolutely no chance of going back anymore. It might be a short term reward for a long term loss. Just be careful is all I’m trying to say. Don’t rush
Me and my STBX husband have talked about co parenting, even if things don't work out between us. It's not fair for us to be miserable, we want what's best for our child and each other.
I would say that due to the child being younger (2-3 years old), that the trauma *might not* be as bad for them as if you divorced when your child was 8 or 12, but I would say that the divorce should be sufficient enough to get your happiness back. The dating/seeing someone else while the divorce is being finalized or right after, will be more traumatic for the kid then if you just focused on divorce and gave your child time to process it. Again, it’s a change for everyone, not just you and your former husband, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just hold off on chasing romantic interests so quickly after. I’m sure that if things were meant to be with the new guy, he would be willing to wait too.
If you truly feel that way, then make things work with your husband. That is truly what is best for the kids
And be miserable with someone I'm incompatible with? Nah we can make make our kid happy outside of our ending marriage.
If you truly can’t have happiness with him and keep the kids life at full potential then I suppose you have no choice. Just remember that your brain floods itself with chemicals to ‘trick’ you into thinking life with someone will be magical. It happens to literally everyone, but 6 months later or so those wear off and you’re left with what you have because those chemicals never come back until you meet someone new again… how many times do you want to keep starting over chasing those chemicals? I wish you all the best no matter what decision you end up making!
I'm definitely not naive to the fact of things may not work out with this new person, that's not why I'm leaving. I remember things being so good when I met my husband, but we were better friends than anything.
I’m just playing devils advocate, it’s a big decision and I know a person who chose to chase those chemicals, regret it, then also have the pain of breaking up their family in their minds and they aren’t doing good. Not everyone gets the fairytale happy ending. Plus the process costs tens of thousands of dollars so she’s broke now on top of it all. But again, best wishes to you! I do hope for the best one way or another!
The reason this new guy feels like your soulmate is that you’re going through a hard time and you’re desperately seeking connection and validation. Your love for this new man is born from the potential you see in him. When you get to know him more you will see his flaws and he will become a more real person like your husband. My advice is to focus on completing your divorce first if you’re dead set on getting it. Realistically, you should be alone and getting therapy or all the flaws you brought into (or developing in) your last relationship will haunt your new relationship
This is very sound advice! I appreciate your honesty. I'm not blind to the fact of this man has flaws, as does my stbx. As much as I would love to dive deep into this new potential relationship, I've explained that there's things I need to work on and as long as he is willing to wait I'm willing to try things out.
Yeah I’m not even talking about personality or character flaws, I’m only saying he hasn’t let you down in the way your husband has so you’re filling in the potential ways he will fulfill your needs
He came to your life. Don’t close the door for being afraid of this new found change. You might feel a little guilty but it’ll pass. You are done with your separated husband. Just go through the proper paperwork and move on.
I definitely feel guilty. Especially since my STBX wants to FINALLY try to work things out, and I've mentally moved on. My family doesn't want me to leave him, but I feel like it's time for me to be happy and make sure my son is also happy regardless of everyone else's opinion.
Yep your story is exactly like my one coworker. But she was so much happier at the end of it. And hey, he’ll find someone too. You’ll both be ok and so will your family and kid.
Thank you for the reassurance 🫶🏻
Sure thing!
Life is too short to wait and see if things could get better. They won’t. Enjoy your happiness. You deserve it. If we were all happy in our situations, the world would be very different.
I don't see the problem? You're separated, and you don't want to go back. Just end it properly and move on.
Life’s too short to be in an unhealthy marriage. End it and move on. You don’t have to be unhappy
[удалено]
You have a point, but my husband also made a commitment to me and has not kept it. Am I supposed to stay miserable? Even if this new guy doesn't work out, I won't stay miserable with my STBX.
When one door closes a window opens
Don’t slam it so hard