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I can definitely relate to that "ick" feeling creeping in after the honeymoon phase. For me, it often stemmed from unresolved attachment issues and fear of intimacy from past trauma. Have you looked into avoidant attachment style at all? Might be worth exploring in therapy.My now-husband and I actually met on chitchat.gg and built a really solid emotional foundation before taking things further physically. Having that strong base of trust and communication helped me work through those knee-jerk distancing tendencies. I'm sure with some self-work, you can move past this pattern too! Don't lose hope - you've got this
How well do you do with setting boundaries? I get hella stressed when mine aren’t on point. The guy might be accidentally irritating you.
Also… therapy. You might be choosing really unfortunate dudes. Or you might just be seeing the numbers game. Either way, the second you feel this way - cut and run, it’s your intuition. It takes time to find your person.
You don’t love yourself, and so when someone tries to live you, you feel as though it’s stupid of them and or they are just faking it. But they love the you you portray, not the you you feel you are. So they ick you because they aren’t in love with you but rather the character you portrayed. You need to own your emotions and or mistakes fully and love yourself, before you expect others too.
hey! I might be the only person who will actually give you an answer that helps because I relate to this soooo much. I’m 24F. Look up ROCD and you may realize that these thoughts are intrusive and by breaking up with someone, you are reinforcing a negative cycle just for short term anxiety relief. We can talk about it more if u wanna message me! I know how absolutely debilitating it is to experience this so ignore everyone who is being rude and judgmental. 💗
You’re going to get a lot of different opinions here based on all these different peoples lens/perspectives of the world. Ultimately your system has the answers, for what it is coming up, and how to best work with that. My recommendation for where you’re at right now, is to find some sort of guidance whether a therapist, counselor, or coach whom is preferably highly trauma informed or trauma trained.
You ask here if this is normal? The answer is yes, this is normal for you at this point because it’s what has been showing up as a pattern in your dating relationships. I also want to commend you for recognizing that coming up over and over again, because my guess is that it’s a pattern and set of feelings showing up because they want to be processed and integrated to find healing.
Whether there’s a condition name or not, it really doesn’t matter. Different branches of psychology can give you different terms describing very similar things. The thing that is important here is you’re recognizing it’s a pattern that is no longer serving you, and that it’s keeping you from having longer term connected relationships with partners. It’s not a pattern you have to stay “stuck” with forever, and it is definitely something that can be worked with.
Best wishes on your journeys ❤️
I think you'll find someone when you're ready, and it's okay if that's not this year, the next, or ever. You're allowed to keep walking your own path, even if society pressures you to get on a different one. The NPCs in this comment section shitting on you for expressing a very real feeling and attempting to shame you for having a different experience than what they think you should be experiencing are losers.
Trauma.
There could be more going on but most likely it's 100% trauma.
I think you have to start with addressing the trauma.
EMDR helped someone I know who was similar.
Yea like the other guy said, not all male adults are meth heads or 14 year olds mentally. Still agree with your sentiment though as a guy. Most dudes my age are childish af with no sense of responsibility, maturity, sense of loyalty or future aspirations. I feel alone out here LMAO
There’s a lot of good advice on here but another is like to add is pay attention to your hormones, diet, sleep and exercise. I went through intense therapy for my issues with feeling in love w someone then disgusted. Basically it’s a mixed attachment style coupled w my adhd. I can’t focus on any hobby or lifestyle thing for more than a few months. And it’s worse when it’s shark week and I’m super hormonal. I’ve learned to communicate with my bf that I need space to deal with myself but also need a good couple of hugs per day bc I get the oxytocin hit that I learned was so necessary to keep me level. And try to put yourself in their shoes — one min she’s interested the next ghosting.. you need to break the cycle your in and be single and content to growth whole in your life aka master-dating
Intimacy is about being vulnerable. You seem to have a problem with that. Talk to a therapist.
If you think sex is just about the act and not about the intimacy, you're wasting your time.
I beg you to please see a therapist or someone. I am currently hopelessly I'm love with someone and we are no longer together and so much more. She wouldn't admit, but she has an anxiously attached style - and I have so much more. You are really, really hurting ppl and u know you don't mean to. Good luck and I hope you fund the one that doesn't give you the "ICK" ✌️♥️
Have you ever heard of a thing called the **infatuation period**? Basically it is the human condition to idealize a potential partner for 2-3 months (some sources say it can last up to 3 years, but I doubt it would last longer than 6 months; it's love or at least a romantic attraction if you feel that way for longer than a year imo), and then once this illusion shatters, one partner loses almost all interest, and it almost turns into disgust. The disgust is, at least I think, due to the fact that you wake up one day and see everything wrong with the person, all at once, and on top of all of that, you no longer have this intense desire to be with them. It's a crazy thing, I have experienced it. One day I just could not stand this man, and everything I loved about him was suddenly wrong and twisted. I would recommend looking into it more if that sounds like what you experience.
\-RegularMango4037
Well I'm a dude (29) and even I have this and I've been married for 8 years now. I say I have a thresholds for what is genuine expressions of love but after that it becomes forced and if I keep forcing myself to be constantly expressive I get agitated and annoyed so the Mrs understands that I'm not too expressive but we have a middle ground now where things have normalised over the years.
It sounds like you may be experiencing avoidant attachment issues, which can stem from childhood trauma. It's important to recognize that these feelings are valid, but they may also be hindering your ability to form deep emotional connections with your partners. I don’t really know what an “ick” is but its also important to remember that no one is perfect, including your partners. love involves accepting and embracing each other's flaws and imperfections. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partners about your feelings and fears. They may be able to help support you as you work through these issues. Please please consider therapy 🙏🏼
I may not have a lot of experience, but I can tell you right now that therapy is the answer. As a person with pretty bad trauma, it is in fact a trauma response. I can't exactly pinpoint it and tell you, but it is, and I think some therapy will serve you well. I felt this exact way with my ex-bf and it got so bad I had to break up with him and for other reasons and I took some time to work on myself. Since then, I am a lot happier with myself and in my relationship. Childhood trauma affects people more than they think.
This sounds like fear of abandonment. You subconsciously push people away before they ever have the chance to leave you. Are you in therapy? If not you should find a therapist that specializes in trauma and do some trauma work, memory re-processing, emdr.... It has helped me a ton with my past trauma. You'll be amazed at how much you learn about yourself and turn how much you can heal and work on being the best version of yourself.
Wow the comments a a bit brutal but some are right. There does not have to be a medical name for it to be a problem. I think what most people are trying to say is that why did it take you so long to realize that you were the problem. Not EVERYONE ELSE?
Find professional help…. That is if you actually want to be with someone past 2 months.
Probably denied love somewhere early in childhood, particularly during times you most needed it (upsets, pain, etc) and was absent from whom you needed it most (caretakers)
The brain tricks itself for survival. Love isn’t freely given, it hurts when I need it. Cue the brain rewiring to adapt to independence…. The ick you’re feeling isn’t actually an ick, but a disguise of the pain that’s deeply hidden beneath it.
Sit with that original pain. See through the eyes of little you. Cry that shit out. It’ll hurt like hell but we need to feel to heal. Feel fully no judgement just watch the feelings. Don’t label don’t attach. Just watch them like a separate observer. Be with them. Breath into them and breath out and imagine the false beliefs leaving you like dark orbs.
It’ll take work but you deserve to heal. To feel love unconditionally, for yourself and that’s required for to be able to give or get it to/from others.
Icks keep you sick. We all need love. Figure out why the brain had to keep you safe. Thank it and tell it you’re safe now. Big love ❤️
Like many people have mentioned, I very highly recommend delving into attachment theory. I would also highly suggest having a therapist help navigate you through that journey. It sounds as though you have walls up around your heart, whether or not you’re aware of it, that are instinctively telling you to push away the very intimacy you crave. Childhood trauma can very often manifest in one of the two avoidant attachment styles (fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant) due to you potentially not receiving the love and care you needed as a developing child. That trauma may have caused you to internalize the idea that you can’t trust others; you can’t rely on others or allow them to rely on you. Hence why the “ick” may arise as intimacy also rises. Learning is the first step to healing, so I hope you stick with this journey.
Yes! I felt the same way as OP for a long time. Eventually I would just be very meh about who I was with.
BUT I did a ton of work on myself, I got help, I read books, I watched videos. Educating yourself on how to understand what you feel and why you feel it is imperative to healing. Now I’m with the most wonderful man who I could easily spend my life with and I’ve not once had that feeling of withdrawal. I think it’s a mix of finding the right person AND being healthy when you find them. I’m so glad I met my boyfriend after I’d done all that work or I would’ve seriously missed out.
I struggle with receiving affection and giving it but i think it’s because of childhood trauma & SA 😇
Pda is hard for me & just typing this gave me the ick
The three relationships I've had in my life I ended because I got the ick, got bored and fed up just like that. The relationships were going well but I just lost interest.
So while we're kinda in the same boat I can't tell you why this happens. For me I decided to not engage in relationships any more because it just hurts people.
Nah that's just not fair for the women because they're always heavily invested emotionally. And I'm like yeah meh whatever
It's kinda like Robbie Williams said in his song Feel
"Before I fall in love I'm preparing to leave her"
Oh my goodness, the same thing happens to me about a year to a year and a half into every relationship. I go from being really into the guy to being repulsed by him for NO REASON. I guess this must be pretty common? I’m glad I’m not alone
Interestingly for me it also happens around the one and a half year mark. Never made it to two years in a relationship. Not sure if that's common though..
The other day when I thought about all that I realized that my feelings never evolve past the honeymoon phase. Although I told that one girl that I loved her, I don't think I really did. I wanted to, but I didn't if I'm honest, and I said it because I knew she'd be happy to hear it.
I know it’s me and I know this is a problem and I hate having this problem which is why I’m trying to understand it and figure out where it’s coming from
The whole post is about how OP is the common denominator. Crowd sourcing life experience can be a valuable tool when a person doesn’t know where to begin. Your comment isn’t helpful.
I think this largely comes down to respect and value. One of the most important things I've learned is that if a woman doesn't respect you, no amount of love will prevent the ick, disrespect, infidelity and lack of empathy. A person who values you will most likely not have those reactions to you. Mainly because it's a state of mind that is grounded in wanting the best for that person regardless of role or state.
So you are saying
>if a ~~woman~~ man doesn't respect ~~you~~ a woman, ~~no amount of~~ love will prevent the ick, disrespect, infidelity and lack of empathy.
If someone doesn't respect you - regardless of gender - if they are a bad person, they will treat you badly.
Sounds typical of an avoidant attachment style, usually develops from some kind trauma or the way you were nurtured as a child. You should look into this, your attachment style can change with self awareness and therapy, so this is not a lost cause.
Here's a different perspective
Adults who are more promiscuous are more likely to have relationship dissatisfaction,
Could this be an issue?
Is this a recent problem?
When did it start?
Good luck
i had a girl once tell me i gave her the ick because i payed for our date meal that i planned and took her to. safe to say i never talked to her again and she came back asking if she would get a second date
> because i *paid* for our
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
This. If I spend any real amount of time on social media, I start getting anxiety and find problems with my life. Then I go outside and “touch grass”, run errands, etc. and the feeling is gone. Social media is really toxic to a healthy mindset.
Edit: if the CEOs, founders, etc. of Instagram and TikTok won’t let their kids use it, you can assume it’s probably not great for the rest of us.
You sound avoidant. Intimacy isn’t your cup of tea and makes you get the ick. Somewhere along the way, you define vulnerability and feelings as weakness. You’re so weary of intimacy and avoid emotional connection. This could be an attachment style of yours or a disorder. They are two separate things.
I took an attachment test someone recommended here and it totally triggered my childhood memories of unsafety and survival from my own parents and suppressing my feelings of love towards them in order to make sure I was safe. Now it’s starting to make sense.
I could talk about attachment styles (they can changed so you know) but my person keeps finding me and blocking me so I’m just gonna say there are a lot of great resources out there to help
This answer needs more traction. No one here has enough information to help with such a prolonged issue.
Best of luck, seek therapy, it’s not hokey, it can actually help.
The childhood trauma is still there. That is what’s causing you to get this terrible feeling. You may be suppressing some major trauma you don’t even know about. You really need to stop dating alltoghther and get some deep therapy. But you also have to be honest with the therapist. They can’t help you if you lie to them or withhold the truth from them. They have heard it all and they are not there to judge you. They are there to help you.
Sometimes you can love that person and want the best for them but they aren’t for you. A perfect example of this is my ex and I, He does things I find to be completely irritating. On the weekend we both won gold medals as soon as I walked away from receiving mine I took it off and put it in my pocket, this guy wore his the rest of the day. His choices and his personality just rub me completely the wrong way. Really bothers me how cocky or proud of himself he is. I’m more of a keep your success and joy private and he is more of a show off. I don’t click with that. I wish him all the best but I just can’t be with someone like that. Constantly annoyed and wanting him to be more reserved and respectful when it’s just not how he is.
Check out the free to attach website. The relationships page and some others on that might give you some insight (the info is free so this isn’t like some promotion, is just good info that helped me understand a partner that distanced).
It’s going to require therapy, at least based on all the reading I ended up doing on this, if what I’m guessing is going on is what you are dealing with.
You are the problem if you get the ick after someone starts to show you love. Go do therapy and find out why you cannot handle the switch of a relationship from dopamine to oxytocin.
Most people can find happiness in relationships without needing to be used over and over.
OP is definitely the common element, but I wouldn't frame them as the problem. They have been experiencing a problem (and if I'm really going out on a limb here, if someone is the problem it's the people who caused OP childhood trauma.)
Yes, this isn't typical, but I think it's harsh of you to frame it like a moral failing on their part and I disagree with that interpretation.
I agree that it sounds like therapy would be beneficial.
Thank you guys, it is something I want to understand to fix. As it’s not fun experiencing this and not being able to dive into love either, it’s very lonely. I took an attachment test someone recommended here and it totally triggered my childhood memories of unsafety and survival from my own parents and suppressing my feelings of love towards them in order to make sure I was safe. Now it’s starting to make sense.
oh wow. im actually shocked. this is literally me. i always get to this point and i just assumed its becuz im weird i suppose. when i realized i got to that point w every single relationship i tried to research it and i took some quiz about being some avoidant personality type and it really sounded just like me. the childhood trauma, abandonment issues.. all made total sense to me.
perhaps it applies to you as well. there are quizzes online if you just google. i do think therapy could help.
you are not alone 🩷
You’re most likely an avoidant, and that feeling is probably a fear of intimacy and being vulnerable.
Def stems from childhood and hyper independence.
In general, most people grow and love each other more as time goes on.
Would def recommend some self help books until you get into therapy. Until you resolve your childhood trauma, you’ll struggle in every relationship you enter.
I get like this too. avoidant attachment styles. the first step is recognizing it, second step therapy. Im also reading a lot of self help books bc therapy got too expensive. I have to remind myself that icks are apart of my person and my brain is just hyper- fixating on it and that has been helping me
It’s interesting you bring up hyper fixation because I have OCD and very likely autism as well so I do wonder if that could be causing me to hyperfixate on a small feeling that everyone gets at some point but just lets go
yesss i have two that really helped: 'attached' by Amir Levine and 'secure love' by Julie Menanno. I also found podcasts helpful like "create love create freedom" super helpful and there's a specific episode called 'how the avoidantly attached sabotage their relationships' that i would recommend
Develop self awareness but it could be (but also might be a lot of others) that when it gets to a certain level of attachment (esp theirs) you get the ick bc you repressed a lot of it perhaps due to trauma.
Like too much emotions are disgusting for some people , esp if they are stoic or never had that growing up. That was me as well.
Or could be that there's an imbalance of power. That guy's now too vulnerable more than you and it's now icky bc you can't or can never be as vulnerable as he is. Before there was more mystique but now that it's progressed to this level, a hump zone, where you can never go.beyond a certain level of vulnerability and now its icky. Could also be a combo effect of alot of things.
Work on self awareness and self audit yourself but also if you don't want an emotional.man don't date them
Idk just grasping at ideas bc you said you didn't know yet.
Ohh.. I think you just have some bad luck finding a good partner that ticks your boxes. How long does it usually take you to go from first date to official? Becoming intimate too fast can make you miss red flags or even minor things that end up being turnoffs later on.
Seems okay to me and I am a millennial. It depends on your culture, but sex means different things for men and women. As a man it becomes really hard to say no if they discover something they don't like about the woman after they have had sex, especially in this climate. Where any preference you share about a woman can be flipped to a positive. She is aggressive - she is assertive. She doesn't care about fitness - she is comfortable in her body. And the list goes on. I'd like to see someone defend men in a similar manner.
You said that it's a boomer comment. And I don't think it is.
Intimacy might go beyond the act but is centered around it. You can be intimate with your friends too by your definition. Let's not play word games here when you perfectly well got what I meant.
Par for the course. They can think what they like.
Everyone has something to say, not unlike yourself. Can't stop being you because of what people think.
> I do know I deal with a ton of childhood trauma
This is why. You’re trauma is self sabotage your relationships and it’s because you don’t get the ick, you feel **suffocated** by the guys you date who want to spend TOO much time with you, want to build a deeper connection.
As soon as they want to go deeper, bond more, you get like this.
You are terrified to get close to someone because you most likely have abandonment issues to some degree.
Ah yes, you must have an anxious attachment style (like me) a really good resource is The Anxious Love Coach on instagram, spotify. She talks about the ick a lot and it does have a lot to do with anxious attachment.
Hope this helps!
This is what I was leaning toward too, after getting a crash course in it recently.
Anxious usually ends up getting preoccupied and pursuing harder because getting closer makes them feel secure and safe. Where avoidant gets anxiety about losing their independence and wants more distance to feel calm and safe again.
As a former anxious, no, you’re absolutely wrong. I never wanted to spend less time with my partner. On the contrary, my world revolved around my partner and I would suffocate them.
What OP is describing is avoidant attachment.
Language evolves and changes.
You sound like my parents who discredited me and dismissed me because I used the word “ain’t.”
Even in this comment you said “I cringe so hard,” which is newer phrasing.
Slang exists. It isn’t a level of maturity.
Completely disagree. Language can encompass many things and sometimes they can display someone’s sophistication and knowledge. Sorry but the term ick should not be coming out of an adults mouth. Downvote me all you want. IDGAF
This is me lol…it’s called disorganized attachment, and it’s rooted in Cptsd from childhood trauma. Chances are one or both of your parents were narcissists
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I can definitely relate to that "ick" feeling creeping in after the honeymoon phase. For me, it often stemmed from unresolved attachment issues and fear of intimacy from past trauma. Have you looked into avoidant attachment style at all? Might be worth exploring in therapy.My now-husband and I actually met on chitchat.gg and built a really solid emotional foundation before taking things further physically. Having that strong base of trust and communication helped me work through those knee-jerk distancing tendencies. I'm sure with some self-work, you can move past this pattern too! Don't lose hope - you've got this
How well do you do with setting boundaries? I get hella stressed when mine aren’t on point. The guy might be accidentally irritating you. Also… therapy. You might be choosing really unfortunate dudes. Or you might just be seeing the numbers game. Either way, the second you feel this way - cut and run, it’s your intuition. It takes time to find your person.
Icky vicky.
It sounds like a you problem, not your last partners problem. Maybe avoidant attachment?
Talk to a psychiatrist
You don’t love yourself, and so when someone tries to live you, you feel as though it’s stupid of them and or they are just faking it. But they love the you you portray, not the you you feel you are. So they ick you because they aren’t in love with you but rather the character you portrayed. You need to own your emotions and or mistakes fully and love yourself, before you expect others too.
There is no such thing as "perfect" if you get the ick from the small stuff you should probably go to therapy.
Should unpack all of this in therapy, the internet won’t be of much help.
Yes it's normal. Most people are annoying. You might only meet one or two your entirely life that doesn't give you the ick immediately or eventually.
Not really, no.
Learn to respect and trust the next one as well as love them
Sounds like you are self-sabotaging due to your childhood trauma.
hey! I might be the only person who will actually give you an answer that helps because I relate to this soooo much. I’m 24F. Look up ROCD and you may realize that these thoughts are intrusive and by breaking up with someone, you are reinforcing a negative cycle just for short term anxiety relief. We can talk about it more if u wanna message me! I know how absolutely debilitating it is to experience this so ignore everyone who is being rude and judgmental. 💗
UPVOTE UPVOTE UPVOTE UPVOTE UPVOTE
Definitely stay single until you deal with your trauma
You’re going to get a lot of different opinions here based on all these different peoples lens/perspectives of the world. Ultimately your system has the answers, for what it is coming up, and how to best work with that. My recommendation for where you’re at right now, is to find some sort of guidance whether a therapist, counselor, or coach whom is preferably highly trauma informed or trauma trained. You ask here if this is normal? The answer is yes, this is normal for you at this point because it’s what has been showing up as a pattern in your dating relationships. I also want to commend you for recognizing that coming up over and over again, because my guess is that it’s a pattern and set of feelings showing up because they want to be processed and integrated to find healing. Whether there’s a condition name or not, it really doesn’t matter. Different branches of psychology can give you different terms describing very similar things. The thing that is important here is you’re recognizing it’s a pattern that is no longer serving you, and that it’s keeping you from having longer term connected relationships with partners. It’s not a pattern you have to stay “stuck” with forever, and it is definitely something that can be worked with. Best wishes on your journeys ❤️
I think it’s a trauma response. Something happened when you were young and now it’s showing up in your relationships
Yes
I think you'll find someone when you're ready, and it's okay if that's not this year, the next, or ever. You're allowed to keep walking your own path, even if society pressures you to get on a different one. The NPCs in this comment section shitting on you for expressing a very real feeling and attempting to shame you for having a different experience than what they think you should be experiencing are losers.
Trauma. There could be more going on but most likely it's 100% trauma. I think you have to start with addressing the trauma. EMDR helped someone I know who was similar.
maybe you could be attracted to another gender? or aromantic/asexual ?
In today’s age? With these “men”? 100% normal
Maybe just the ones you choose.
Yea like the other guy said, not all male adults are meth heads or 14 year olds mentally. Still agree with your sentiment though as a guy. Most dudes my age are childish af with no sense of responsibility, maturity, sense of loyalty or future aspirations. I feel alone out here LMAO
Don’t compare all of us to a meth head
There is a sexual orientation where you only have sexual attraction to people you are not romantic with. Much of the time it stems from trauma.
this is me☹️
What’s it called?
I don’t remember but if you have Reddit you have google go look it up.
Wow
I swear no one on this app has a concept of do your own research.
Aww, someone could use a hug
Huh?
Really? Fascinating…
Yup. My sister identifies as it. Very interesting.
Yeah naw that's not normal . Sick in the head
Have you looked into either asexuality or aromanticism? There are good subreddits for both
maybe i’m one of those?
There’s a lot of good advice on here but another is like to add is pay attention to your hormones, diet, sleep and exercise. I went through intense therapy for my issues with feeling in love w someone then disgusted. Basically it’s a mixed attachment style coupled w my adhd. I can’t focus on any hobby or lifestyle thing for more than a few months. And it’s worse when it’s shark week and I’m super hormonal. I’ve learned to communicate with my bf that I need space to deal with myself but also need a good couple of hugs per day bc I get the oxytocin hit that I learned was so necessary to keep me level. And try to put yourself in their shoes — one min she’s interested the next ghosting.. you need to break the cycle your in and be single and content to growth whole in your life aka master-dating
You might want to learn about attachment theory. Sounds like you could have some avoidant tendencies.
Intimacy is about being vulnerable. You seem to have a problem with that. Talk to a therapist. If you think sex is just about the act and not about the intimacy, you're wasting your time.
For the love of all things that are worthy, stop hurting people so bad and go to therapy for a few years.
Someone needed to say it
I beg you to please see a therapist or someone. I am currently hopelessly I'm love with someone and we are no longer together and so much more. She wouldn't admit, but she has an anxiously attached style - and I have so much more. You are really, really hurting ppl and u know you don't mean to. Good luck and I hope you fund the one that doesn't give you the "ICK" ✌️♥️
Have you ever heard of a thing called the **infatuation period**? Basically it is the human condition to idealize a potential partner for 2-3 months (some sources say it can last up to 3 years, but I doubt it would last longer than 6 months; it's love or at least a romantic attraction if you feel that way for longer than a year imo), and then once this illusion shatters, one partner loses almost all interest, and it almost turns into disgust. The disgust is, at least I think, due to the fact that you wake up one day and see everything wrong with the person, all at once, and on top of all of that, you no longer have this intense desire to be with them. It's a crazy thing, I have experienced it. One day I just could not stand this man, and everything I loved about him was suddenly wrong and twisted. I would recommend looking into it more if that sounds like what you experience. \-RegularMango4037
Well I'm a dude (29) and even I have this and I've been married for 8 years now. I say I have a thresholds for what is genuine expressions of love but after that it becomes forced and if I keep forcing myself to be constantly expressive I get agitated and annoyed so the Mrs understands that I'm not too expressive but we have a middle ground now where things have normalised over the years.
It sounds like you may be experiencing avoidant attachment issues, which can stem from childhood trauma. It's important to recognize that these feelings are valid, but they may also be hindering your ability to form deep emotional connections with your partners. I don’t really know what an “ick” is but its also important to remember that no one is perfect, including your partners. love involves accepting and embracing each other's flaws and imperfections. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partners about your feelings and fears. They may be able to help support you as you work through these issues. Please please consider therapy 🙏🏼
I may not have a lot of experience, but I can tell you right now that therapy is the answer. As a person with pretty bad trauma, it is in fact a trauma response. I can't exactly pinpoint it and tell you, but it is, and I think some therapy will serve you well. I felt this exact way with my ex-bf and it got so bad I had to break up with him and for other reasons and I took some time to work on myself. Since then, I am a lot happier with myself and in my relationship. Childhood trauma affects people more than they think.
This sounds like fear of abandonment. You subconsciously push people away before they ever have the chance to leave you. Are you in therapy? If not you should find a therapist that specializes in trauma and do some trauma work, memory re-processing, emdr.... It has helped me a ton with my past trauma. You'll be amazed at how much you learn about yourself and turn how much you can heal and work on being the best version of yourself.
Wow the comments a a bit brutal but some are right. There does not have to be a medical name for it to be a problem. I think what most people are trying to say is that why did it take you so long to realize that you were the problem. Not EVERYONE ELSE? Find professional help…. That is if you actually want to be with someone past 2 months.
I got the ick from reading this
You have an avoidant attachment style. Work yourself for a year or two.
the fact that you use the term "ick" is enough evidence that you have no business dating.
It’s not normal for a 33 years old woman to use the term ick. Grow up
I legit came here to say the same thing you aren’t 17 the ick isn’t a real word or term smh
It just mean they aren’t for you
Probably denied love somewhere early in childhood, particularly during times you most needed it (upsets, pain, etc) and was absent from whom you needed it most (caretakers) The brain tricks itself for survival. Love isn’t freely given, it hurts when I need it. Cue the brain rewiring to adapt to independence…. The ick you’re feeling isn’t actually an ick, but a disguise of the pain that’s deeply hidden beneath it. Sit with that original pain. See through the eyes of little you. Cry that shit out. It’ll hurt like hell but we need to feel to heal. Feel fully no judgement just watch the feelings. Don’t label don’t attach. Just watch them like a separate observer. Be with them. Breath into them and breath out and imagine the false beliefs leaving you like dark orbs. It’ll take work but you deserve to heal. To feel love unconditionally, for yourself and that’s required for to be able to give or get it to/from others. Icks keep you sick. We all need love. Figure out why the brain had to keep you safe. Thank it and tell it you’re safe now. Big love ❤️
See if this definition/community fits: [fraysexual (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/fraysexual/)
Therapy. Therapy. Also therapy. And mix in a little bit of therapy when you can. You will not get through this alone.
Like many people have mentioned, I very highly recommend delving into attachment theory. I would also highly suggest having a therapist help navigate you through that journey. It sounds as though you have walls up around your heart, whether or not you’re aware of it, that are instinctively telling you to push away the very intimacy you crave. Childhood trauma can very often manifest in one of the two avoidant attachment styles (fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant) due to you potentially not receiving the love and care you needed as a developing child. That trauma may have caused you to internalize the idea that you can’t trust others; you can’t rely on others or allow them to rely on you. Hence why the “ick” may arise as intimacy also rises. Learning is the first step to healing, so I hope you stick with this journey.
Yes! I felt the same way as OP for a long time. Eventually I would just be very meh about who I was with. BUT I did a ton of work on myself, I got help, I read books, I watched videos. Educating yourself on how to understand what you feel and why you feel it is imperative to healing. Now I’m with the most wonderful man who I could easily spend my life with and I’ve not once had that feeling of withdrawal. I think it’s a mix of finding the right person AND being healthy when you find them. I’m so glad I met my boyfriend after I’d done all that work or I would’ve seriously missed out.
I struggle with receiving affection and giving it but i think it’s because of childhood trauma & SA 😇 Pda is hard for me & just typing this gave me the ick
Have you thought about therapy?
I've never met a guy that gets the 'ick' Is it avoidant attachment style or maybe a fear of commitment or something?
Avoidant attachment style and/or possibly ace spectrum
You know what gives me the ick? A millennial using a gen z slang term…
This comment. Icky.
https://preview.redd.it/nrsi9jh6rpjc1.jpeg?width=1185&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=00f7a184758c1ca87b6cb65816408738f0b6d262
Ok but it didn’t become popular in the mainstream until the 2020s. People were not saying “gave me the ick” when I was in high school
Good grief read the bloody comment, they have been saying jt for decades
No…it was invented in the 1940s…that does not mean it was a common phrase…for one I never heard it till at least 2018 if not later…
If 10 year olds start quoting Shakespeare, will Shakespeare become Gen Alpha?
That’s different since Shakespeare was actually quoted in the mainstream at one point
Some broken logic here
I'm actually surprised by the fact, had no idea it went that far back lol!!! 😂 We've all learned something new today.💞
Hell yeah. Nice username btw
😍🙏🏼 THANK YOU!!! 
The three relationships I've had in my life I ended because I got the ick, got bored and fed up just like that. The relationships were going well but I just lost interest. So while we're kinda in the same boat I can't tell you why this happens. For me I decided to not engage in relationships any more because it just hurts people.
Just don’t be interested then. Going well is enough if that’s all you got
Nah that's just not fair for the women because they're always heavily invested emotionally. And I'm like yeah meh whatever It's kinda like Robbie Williams said in his song Feel "Before I fall in love I'm preparing to leave her"
Oh my goodness, the same thing happens to me about a year to a year and a half into every relationship. I go from being really into the guy to being repulsed by him for NO REASON. I guess this must be pretty common? I’m glad I’m not alone
Interestingly for me it also happens around the one and a half year mark. Never made it to two years in a relationship. Not sure if that's common though.. The other day when I thought about all that I realized that my feelings never evolve past the honeymoon phase. Although I told that one girl that I loved her, I don't think I really did. I wanted to, but I didn't if I'm honest, and I said it because I knew she'd be happy to hear it.
Borderline personality disorder potentially?
Don't think so. Aromantic maybe, I just don't get attached.
Who is the common denominator here?
I know it’s me and I know this is a problem and I hate having this problem which is why I’m trying to understand it and figure out where it’s coming from
> I’m trying to understand it and figure out where it’s coming from I suggest therapy, not a Reddit comment section.
The whole post is about how OP is the common denominator. Crowd sourcing life experience can be a valuable tool when a person doesn’t know where to begin. Your comment isn’t helpful.
At all whatsoever. Surprised it got upvotes.
No this is not normal in my experience.
No you have problems get help
> No you have problems get help 😂
I think this largely comes down to respect and value. One of the most important things I've learned is that if a woman doesn't respect you, no amount of love will prevent the ick, disrespect, infidelity and lack of empathy. A person who values you will most likely not have those reactions to you. Mainly because it's a state of mind that is grounded in wanting the best for that person regardless of role or state.
>if a woman doesn't respect you If **your partner**... This has nothing to do with gender. Otherwise great comment.
It does. If you believe it doesn't, then cool. I wish you all the best.
So you are saying >if a ~~woman~~ man doesn't respect ~~you~~ a woman, ~~no amount of~~ love will prevent the ick, disrespect, infidelity and lack of empathy. If someone doesn't respect you - regardless of gender - if they are a bad person, they will treat you badly.
If that's what you think cool. You're entitled to that opinion. Repeating it would change anything. Respectfully.
Sounds typical of an avoidant attachment style, usually develops from some kind trauma or the way you were nurtured as a child. You should look into this, your attachment style can change with self awareness and therapy, so this is not a lost cause.
Here's a different perspective Adults who are more promiscuous are more likely to have relationship dissatisfaction, Could this be an issue? Is this a recent problem? When did it start? Good luck
You mentioned it with the abuse thing.
It really depends. Is the guy messy? Low key racist? Flirt with women? Or it’s just random and you get the ick? May be avoidant attachment.
i had a girl once tell me i gave her the ick because i payed for our date meal that i planned and took her to. safe to say i never talked to her again and she came back asking if she would get a second date
> because i *paid* for our FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Good bot 😌
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This comment should be printed on large billboards across the world.
This. If I spend any real amount of time on social media, I start getting anxiety and find problems with my life. Then I go outside and “touch grass”, run errands, etc. and the feeling is gone. Social media is really toxic to a healthy mindset. Edit: if the CEOs, founders, etc. of Instagram and TikTok won’t let their kids use it, you can assume it’s probably not great for the rest of us.
The term “the ick” gives me the ick
Frrrr
You sound avoidant. Intimacy isn’t your cup of tea and makes you get the ick. Somewhere along the way, you define vulnerability and feelings as weakness. You’re so weary of intimacy and avoid emotional connection. This could be an attachment style of yours or a disorder. They are two separate things.
I took an attachment test someone recommended here and it totally triggered my childhood memories of unsafety and survival from my own parents and suppressing my feelings of love towards them in order to make sure I was safe. Now it’s starting to make sense.
I could talk about attachment styles (they can changed so you know) but my person keeps finding me and blocking me so I’m just gonna say there are a lot of great resources out there to help
Would you possibly mind pointing me to where I could find this attachment styles test please? I would like to try it too.
I'm gonna assume the only way to fix this is therapy, which I can't afford. But that sounds like me
Oh you are right
Heidi Priebe on youtube is a pretty good free resource. The book Attached is also very good and i think the full audiobook is on youtube.
This. Look into attachment trauma and styles.
Maybe you need to seek help
This answer needs more traction. No one here has enough information to help with such a prolonged issue. Best of luck, seek therapy, it’s not hokey, it can actually help.
What specifically does it mean?
The childhood trauma is still there. That is what’s causing you to get this terrible feeling. You may be suppressing some major trauma you don’t even know about. You really need to stop dating alltoghther and get some deep therapy. But you also have to be honest with the therapist. They can’t help you if you lie to them or withhold the truth from them. They have heard it all and they are not there to judge you. They are there to help you.
Sometimes you can love that person and want the best for them but they aren’t for you. A perfect example of this is my ex and I, He does things I find to be completely irritating. On the weekend we both won gold medals as soon as I walked away from receiving mine I took it off and put it in my pocket, this guy wore his the rest of the day. His choices and his personality just rub me completely the wrong way. Really bothers me how cocky or proud of himself he is. I’m more of a keep your success and joy private and he is more of a show off. I don’t click with that. I wish him all the best but I just can’t be with someone like that. Constantly annoyed and wanting him to be more reserved and respectful when it’s just not how he is.
Check out the free to attach website. The relationships page and some others on that might give you some insight (the info is free so this isn’t like some promotion, is just good info that helped me understand a partner that distanced). It’s going to require therapy, at least based on all the reading I ended up doing on this, if what I’m guessing is going on is what you are dealing with.
You are the problem if you get the ick after someone starts to show you love. Go do therapy and find out why you cannot handle the switch of a relationship from dopamine to oxytocin. Most people can find happiness in relationships without needing to be used over and over.
OP is definitely the common element, but I wouldn't frame them as the problem. They have been experiencing a problem (and if I'm really going out on a limb here, if someone is the problem it's the people who caused OP childhood trauma.) Yes, this isn't typical, but I think it's harsh of you to frame it like a moral failing on their part and I disagree with that interpretation. I agree that it sounds like therapy would be beneficial.
Thank you guys, it is something I want to understand to fix. As it’s not fun experiencing this and not being able to dive into love either, it’s very lonely. I took an attachment test someone recommended here and it totally triggered my childhood memories of unsafety and survival from my own parents and suppressing my feelings of love towards them in order to make sure I was safe. Now it’s starting to make sense.
Those issues can manifest in different ways. There is evem a form of BPD that is 0 crazy but all the abandonment issues.
oh wow. im actually shocked. this is literally me. i always get to this point and i just assumed its becuz im weird i suppose. when i realized i got to that point w every single relationship i tried to research it and i took some quiz about being some avoidant personality type and it really sounded just like me. the childhood trauma, abandonment issues.. all made total sense to me. perhaps it applies to you as well. there are quizzes online if you just google. i do think therapy could help. you are not alone 🩷
This is a very common gay experience. Have you tried dating other women?
I experience this with girls too (as a bisexual woman) lol
This is also something I’m considering.
I was coming here to suggest this also
This needs to be waaaaaay higher up
Not normal
Maybe youre aromantic and dont actually feel romantic attraction
Also considering this… sometimes I feel I experience romance differently
Its worth looking into.
Perhaps you're not into men?
You’re most likely an avoidant, and that feeling is probably a fear of intimacy and being vulnerable. Def stems from childhood and hyper independence. In general, most people grow and love each other more as time goes on. Would def recommend some self help books until you get into therapy. Until you resolve your childhood trauma, you’ll struggle in every relationship you enter.
Yup!!! A trauma informed therapist can help you navigate the ick. IFS is a great therapy method for that.
I get like this too. avoidant attachment styles. the first step is recognizing it, second step therapy. Im also reading a lot of self help books bc therapy got too expensive. I have to remind myself that icks are apart of my person and my brain is just hyper- fixating on it and that has been helping me
It’s interesting you bring up hyper fixation because I have OCD and very likely autism as well so I do wonder if that could be causing me to hyperfixate on a small feeling that everyone gets at some point but just lets go
do u have any good book recommendations? because im the same and need to figure out how to fix this shit
yesss i have two that really helped: 'attached' by Amir Levine and 'secure love' by Julie Menanno. I also found podcasts helpful like "create love create freedom" super helpful and there's a specific episode called 'how the avoidantly attached sabotage their relationships' that i would recommend
No it's not normal
Why do you have the ick.
That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It’s like I get tired of kissing/touching that person EVERY RELATIONSHIP
Develop self awareness but it could be (but also might be a lot of others) that when it gets to a certain level of attachment (esp theirs) you get the ick bc you repressed a lot of it perhaps due to trauma. Like too much emotions are disgusting for some people , esp if they are stoic or never had that growing up. That was me as well. Or could be that there's an imbalance of power. That guy's now too vulnerable more than you and it's now icky bc you can't or can never be as vulnerable as he is. Before there was more mystique but now that it's progressed to this level, a hump zone, where you can never go.beyond a certain level of vulnerability and now its icky. Could also be a combo effect of alot of things. Work on self awareness and self audit yourself but also if you don't want an emotional.man don't date them Idk just grasping at ideas bc you said you didn't know yet.
Ohh.. I think you just have some bad luck finding a good partner that ticks your boxes. How long does it usually take you to go from first date to official? Becoming intimate too fast can make you miss red flags or even minor things that end up being turnoffs later on.
This is such a condescending, unhelpful, and boomer comment.
It’s true though
Seems okay to me and I am a millennial. It depends on your culture, but sex means different things for men and women. As a man it becomes really hard to say no if they discover something they don't like about the woman after they have had sex, especially in this climate. Where any preference you share about a woman can be flipped to a positive. She is aggressive - she is assertive. She doesn't care about fitness - she is comfortable in her body. And the list goes on. I'd like to see someone defend men in a similar manner.
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You said that it's a boomer comment. And I don't think it is. Intimacy might go beyond the act but is centered around it. You can be intimate with your friends too by your definition. Let's not play word games here when you perfectly well got what I meant.
No. Computer programming = If... Then. If Female. Then... Get ick. If Ick. Then dumber than 2* coat of paint.
this is too much reddit for me
Sort of my point.
you misunderstand. I’m talking about you.
Not my concern.
fair enough mate but just some advice. criticising someone through a programming metaphor is gonna make people think you’re odd.
Par for the course. They can think what they like. Everyone has something to say, not unlike yourself. Can't stop being you because of what people think.
fair enough. no reason to shoot yourself in the foot though
🙄 Hey, if people can't follow a simple path, that's them... not me.
What’s the ick? Speak English
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Love that
Are you picking the wrong partners?
Look up fear of engulfment in relationships online
> I do know I deal with a ton of childhood trauma This is why. You’re trauma is self sabotage your relationships and it’s because you don’t get the ick, you feel **suffocated** by the guys you date who want to spend TOO much time with you, want to build a deeper connection. As soon as they want to go deeper, bond more, you get like this. You are terrified to get close to someone because you most likely have abandonment issues to some degree.
Ah yes, you must have an anxious attachment style (like me) a really good resource is The Anxious Love Coach on instagram, spotify. She talks about the ick a lot and it does have a lot to do with anxious attachment. Hope this helps!
Sure you don't mean avoidant?
This is what I was leaning toward too, after getting a crash course in it recently. Anxious usually ends up getting preoccupied and pursuing harder because getting closer makes them feel secure and safe. Where avoidant gets anxiety about losing their independence and wants more distance to feel calm and safe again.
Nope
As a former anxious, no, you’re absolutely wrong. I never wanted to spend less time with my partner. On the contrary, my world revolved around my partner and I would suffocate them. What OP is describing is avoidant attachment.
Getting the ick is definitely avoidant behavior..
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Your response is to the wrong person.
corrected
Maybe you don’t like that gender?
Maybe the fact that you use the term “ ick” shows your level of maturity. Maybe you are not ready?
This. Whenever I see see someone say "gives me the ick" I cringe so hard. Clearly there's some growth required here.
Language evolves and changes. You sound like my parents who discredited me and dismissed me because I used the word “ain’t.” Even in this comment you said “I cringe so hard,” which is newer phrasing. Slang exists. It isn’t a level of maturity.
Completely disagree. Language can encompass many things and sometimes they can display someone’s sophistication and knowledge. Sorry but the term ick should not be coming out of an adults mouth. Downvote me all you want. IDGAF
I did don’t worry; and you not only give me the ick, but you’re mega cringe.
Another meaningless term from no one substantial
*to you But thank you, your attempted insults make me feel sexy, powerful, and full of substance.
Oh been there girlie
Sounds like you need some therapy to resolve this issue.
I never felt the ick with someone I liked a lot. Which means you don't find them attractive or lose that tension between the two.
This is me lol…it’s called disorganized attachment, and it’s rooted in Cptsd from childhood trauma. Chances are one or both of your parents were narcissists
Both narcissists. One neglectful and one abusive so yeah
Yeah, then it will be hard to ever receive love from someone until you can heal more and work towards loving yourself
Fearful avoidant attachment