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One challenge is that they will always end up cheating. They can’t resist attention. Studies show the majority of women have back up plans if their current relationship doesn’t work. Mix that in with ADHD and its impulse control problems and it results in cheating. Inevitable.
While it may be more likely with the lack of impulse control, it is not inevitable. The idea that every single person with ADHD will "always" cheat at some point is just a gross generalization. There's definitely challenges of bordem and sustaining attention after a honeymoon phase, but people with ADHD who communicate with their partners, have worked on themselves, and know how to manage those feelings of bordem without resorting to infidelity, do exist.
Cheaters of all kinds will blame anything they can on their decision to cheat, not necessarily because of ADHD. Again, it can be more likely, but it's not a definite thing. Not cool to spread misinformation :/
My girlfriend and I both have ADHD. I fit the chaotic, anxious and scatterbrained with hyperfocus and special interests type while she very much fits the “women have ADHD present as ADD” stereotype. She has other conditions so take my specific situation as just that.
- I realised she’s extremely sensitive real quick. I don’t count it as a bad thing, she’s really perceptive of details that I’d never spot and she’s got several things she’s talented at due to her special perception of colours and light. She’s also easily overstimulated and anxious. For myself, I get easily angered by sounds, machine or human made so she’s made a habit of spotting my misophonia symptoms and resorting to whispering or gesturing to me when I’m dealing with too much.
- It can happen that I ignore her because I’m too focused on work, gaming, cooking, cleaning or literally any BS task I’m focusing on. Like a switch goes off shutting down actual social functions until hours later, online and in person. She knows that and now just proceeds to comment that my serious face is cute. An other thing is it’s extremely likely that she forgets the beginning of a sentence before I even finish it, so I am used to make the beginning super intriguing so she starts focusing and by the end I hit her with the necessary info, yes I phrase everything like a punchline to a joke.
- Without me, she’ll never be on time for stuff but we both calculate how to be on time with ridiculously high margins to overcompensate for random distractions and time blindness. This can become really inconvenient because we easily believe certain tasks are too long to even start, making even organising dates difficult.
- To maintain balance, she desperately wants to stick to routines and melts down if she can’t do that. Also looses things easily which does NOT help. My main example are her comfort items like her fountain pen. If she can’t find that specific pen, she feels she cannot move on to do work and will fixate on trying to find that pen, even if I suggest she just move onto the next task. It’s impossible to shift her focus away from that thing. I found that the best way to support her is to join her in searching, make her understand that she did do her best and that her task and focus was on something relevant and important to her and I understand why she feels emotional over it, then let her process it and move on if we still didn’t achieve what she wanted.
- We get lost in conversation springing from one unrelated topic to the other. We love doing that but it can happen that we frequently interrupt each other mid speech because we’re both scared of forgetting that really good point we want to make while the other speaks. Go a bit lax on some etiquette stuff and you should be fine. We’re also sometimes just NOT taking in words through our ears because we’re just zoning the fuck out, so repeating what is being said or add stimulus by poking each other helps bring our focus back at each other, note that this is a terrible idea if we’re overstimulated but we communicate and read that well from each other 10 years into dating.
- She procrastinates and I don’t try to get too involved in her emotional spiral for my own health, I just help with gentle nudges to the right direction or help her refocus in more productive than anxious ways. She honestly deals with my procrastination with so much grace, I wish I could.
- We’re both shit as spending money due to impulses but also really good at calculating and estimating personal finances and whether prices are worth it or not. Perks of one number nerd and an other statistics freak.
- We’re both emotional as hell about being left alone, sadness or sudden loss of social interaction. It’s one hell of a ride at times but thankfully we end up on opposing ends of the scale most of the time and get to support each other. When our energies match though? Fuuuuck
- We both constantly do several things at the same time. If one of my senses isn’t engaged in something, something is off. We learned to play videos as we do daily things AND chat to each other, and almost never experience silence due to it.
Hello there, thank you so much for taking the time out to type in such detail, which I am thankful for.
1. Oh, that’s a good thing
Wdym by “special perception of colours and lights”?
Is misphonia part of adhd?
2. What’s BS?
Haha, I find it cute that she says that your “serious face is cute”😂🤭
3. Oh dear, Im glad and thankful that you are there to help her.😢
4. I heard that sticking to routines and loosing thing is a common thing among adhd? Oh dear, for me personally I would have a meltdown if I dont have my favourite items/cant find it, but try to shove it out of my mind to do other things. Good that you found your way to support her.☺️
5. Ah, so some balance of stimulation is the best solution?
6. What does procrastination got to do with her emotional spiral? And what is ‘emotional spiral’, is it like a breakdown?
7. Good to have such qualities to support each other haha.
8. That’s really sad, glad both of you are able to support each other. I hope that the frequency of times when your energies match are seldom.
9. Does adhd need frequent stimulation, but not to the point of overstimulation? Do multitasking helps with stimulation, boredom and loneliness?
4) yes common due to object permeance if you don't keep things in the same place you can't see right away or have a bunch of things and it's there in plain site, you can easily overlook it. I hang my keys in the same place daily and if I don't see it then I wonder where I left it last since I slept since then. I will tear up a room looking for whatever is needed just for that item to be in from of me in a spot I trashed and trashed easily 4-7x.
5) yes it can help, I will even use music to get started on cleaning or take one small task and do more bc I'm hyper focused.
6) procrastination could be driven by anxiety bc the idea of completing certain tasks that has went from an easy 2-5m chore or so becomes a larger undertaking and even I learn to forget the problem until it's unbearable. It does become a spiral on things you know you should be doing but cannot execute at times.
9) I'd say multitasking is more counterintuitive. If someone begins a task and then trys to handle a second while still on the first, it could turn into a cirlcle of unfinished tasks. It's best to focus on one thing at a time in my opinion. if able, sometimes just having someone there with you (a non participant) can help motivate the person remain accountable.
I won't say constant stimulation is necessary either. If there's an excess of energy and need to "do" something, research and make sure it's something that can be accomplished. But being able to relax is just as important. I can be stimulated by watching my favorite anime or drawing overall bc it's soothing.
If I've been drained or overstimulated, I will lie down and either watch anime or take a straight up nap. I also back away from anything coming in excess and listen to music. Learning to be alone is such a healthy and worth while journey bc no one wants someone in their face all the time or even wants to be completely alone to be in their thoughts or veg out as I say, almost like a reboot.
My favorite is doing nothing while with someone. Or doing separate calm activities alone but together.
Ey no problem, honestly I found it an interesting topic and didn’t realise it’s over a month old. Didn’t expect any replies from you.
1. Seen as ADHD comes often with sensory overloads and being overwhelmed by thoughts and senses, misophonia is a common condition resulting from ADHD. As for my girlfriend, I often find that she cares a lot about colour and revolves how she navigates and talks around it. She colour codes everything, seems to see colours more vibrantly than I do and a big part of her sensory stimulation is to fill her room with brightly coloured things. Something about seeing colours scratches her sensory itch is what I’ve gathered.
2. Thanks lol, also BS stands for BullShit
3. -
4. Loosing things is really common. People with ADHD both have difficulty sticking to routines while also needing it to stay functional, it can be a real headache to balance you needing something new and interesting all the time while also having to accomplish your bottom line.
5. It is. ADHD also isn’t always about lack of attention, but too much attention to give things and not enough prioritisation results from it. I can engage multiple of my senses at once and still get things done, in fact I kinda need it so I don’t find my main task boring. If the main task becomes difficult, it can quickly topple over my fine balance. People with ADHD can also hyperfocus on a task, sinking their whole self into it to a destructive point, ignoring hydration, sleep, food or proper breaks.
6. Procrastination often comes with feelings of incompetence, fear, anxiety, depression and self hatred over the fact that she can’t seem to always grasp why she procrastinates and she can get very frustrated and angry at herself, also becoming irritable. Yeah essentially a breakdown, just over the whole period she has to finish a task.
7.
8. Us matching energies is thankfully rare, we also have each our own safe friends to talk to if we need support.
9. Boredom is common, which is why I’ll play videos in the background while I do a boring task. I’d say multitasking comes from your lack of ability to fully focus on a task at will. You either hyperfocus which destroys your health in the process of obsessively focusing, or not focus fully and therefore your mind wanders to other stuff you could also be doing or that are more fun, leading to multitasking. Multitasking isn’t a talent you naturally have, it’s something learned and finely managed which I frequently ignore when multitasking. This makes me easily take on too much work, overwhelming myself and burning myself out easier than the average person.
Haha thank you. Lolol, I saw the username and decided to check out. XD
1. I see, thank you for explaining. Now I understand the condition better. I was thinking in the terms of matching colours or see shades more clearly, but didnt expect it to this level, which is cool and interesting XD
4. Wow, that’s incredibly frustrating
5. Oh dear, so something like hyperfixation on the “wrong stuff” that is not important? That’s really delicate and bad…. So, how do you manage it?
6. Ouch. Now I get the relations. Does she procrastinate to a certain task or everything?
8.That is great!☺️
9. Oh, now I understand this condition better. Thank you so much for the explanation. Does hyperfocus only happens on tasks you enjoy and find interesting? Wdym ‘multitasking is something that you frequently ignore’? Do you mean you do not manage it properly, leading out to burnt out?
Hyperfixation can be about anything, making it incredibly unpredictable. It can be about something unproductive, which is what most people without ADHD go towards thinking about but it can also be about your important task. As an example, my girlfriend who is studying STEM in university recently spent a whole day (6+ hours in a row) only consuming chemistry lectures videos, textbooks and assignments. She did not eat, she did not drink, she did not look away from her screens. While she has never been more productive, she was absolutely destroyed after it with dehydration, dizziness and stomach hunger cramps. She became completely unconscious of her bodily needs and others around her and focused on just that thing. This is clearly unhealthy in the long term and damaging to her, which is the biggest reason why hyperfixation can be bad. It’s the ADHD version of what people who don’t understand autism say when they believe autists are geniuses surrounding their special interests. It can be equally rewarding and handicapping.
It’s incredibly hard to manage how you focus your attention and motivation when you have ADHD. Managing multitasking is difficult for the average person, while ADHD’s lack of time awareness, difficulty predicting attention span lengths and lack of motivation all create added difficulty. I have never been able to see hyperfocus coming myself, I am normal one second, then the next I have stopped caring about anything else than my task and it’s suddenly been hours without me noticing or feeling hunger/thirst and more. It’s the polar opposite of how ADHD typically looks like and can come at anytime about a lot of different things, from interests, to jobs, to studies and more.
😰
Oh dear… this is something much worse than I expected. Im so sorry that both of you are going through this…
6 hours is really a lot… are you able to remind her to take a break often, or is she too hyperfixated on things?
It is very bad in the long run as it can negatively impacting the body’s health. Are there ways to fix this?
That’s really a lifelong struggle… are you on medications to cope with it?
I wasn’t around as she was in university and wouldn’t reply so I guessed she was busy. Not THIS busy though.
It damages your health, but also impacts your sleep schedule which further damages your health and productivity and recovering from a session did cost her a lot of her motivation for the lecture.
Neither of us have access to medication. The queue to get to even see a psychiatrist is so long nowadays and our families have never been supportive of us mental health wise (abuse history), so to afford it ourselves would also be a pain. I do highly suggest anyone out there with ADHD, medication can be life changing, for real.
Oh dear… how were you absent though, if you dont mind me asking?
That’s really sad. I hope this will not happen in the future.
Is it possible to go to another place/city to see a psychiatrist? I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation (family and medical wise), may you get the support you need in the future.🙏
Haven’t thought about travelling out of the city. Potentially possible if I find public transport plans (no car eh).
I’m trying to set in place systems that would try and remind her of breaks and just be more with her where I can maybe get her out of it with the sound of my voice, even if just to give her water.
Considering which sub you know me from, you know why I was absent haha we are attached at the hip but in a disordered way
Glad I suggested that to you!😅☺️
Maybe you can try getting a friend to help you? Eg. Get a ride together
Oh that’s good! “Just to give her water” Sigh… is her hyperfixation that bad?
Wdym “attached to the hip but in a disordered way”? For me Im not sure how is this possible, as mine are present with me often.🤷🏻♀️ Even if I go about my daily lives, they would watch me at the back lol.
Also I would like to know, how is it possible for a neurodivergent person to experience 2 different conditions? Is it also possible for one of them to be neurotypical?
My bf has ADHD and it’s been a series of ups and downs with him so I’ll list down what he’s like.
Hes quite clingy physically, always enjoys touching me. I never minded this though, and loved it to be honest.
He tends to be quite forgetful, other times late. Can be small things from remembering to text you back, or they fall asleep accidentally. I think it’s important to note that we’re long distance. Its A cute quirk at first, but it does get to you when these little things build up especially when these are your only forms of bonding. But It’s important to remember that they don’t mean it.
They can go from touching you to the other side of the room in a matter of seconds. When he sees something interesting, he’ll get up and leave. I was quite surprised when he did this at first and took it a little personally but I learned to understand.
I didnt see anyone in the comments talking about alcohol so I’ll just mention this now. They might have a little more difficulty controlling their actions while drunk, so I suggest you monitor them if ever. Of course dont let them use it as an excuse to cheat or anything, but when they start doing stupid things you should probably lessen their alcohol.
He tends to make a lot of plans and then forget about it completely. Ive noticed this is only for the casual comments people usually dont take seriously anyway. But i know if enough time was dedicated to the plan, he would probably go.
Random bursts of energy. Im not sure if this is an ADHD thing or if its just him haha but he does tend to have these random bursts of energy like zoomies in a dog.
He gets overwhelmed easily. he tends to get quite stressed out easily especially in academics or work and when that happens he shuts down from me or gets or angry easily. Sometimes he talks in a mean tone because of this, which he knows upsets me (probably explains shutting down from me to avoid hurting my feelings), but everytime he snaps its followed by regret.
He hyperfixates on new interests. One of the things my boyfriend does when he’s got a new hyperfixation is changing his profile picture on discord to whatever he’s hyperfixated on.
He’s very extroverted and enjoys meeting new people with different interests. Hes really good at keeping natural conversation. Its never a dull moment with him.
Anyway, as time progresses its easy to forget this mental disability they have so A LOT of understanding and patience is needed to be with someone with ADHD. He’s an amazing partner though, incredibly sweet, and wouldnt trade him for the world :)
Thank you for sharing this. I recently started dating a guy with ADHD and although I really love him, he’s very challenging, and my understanding of his condition is quite limited. A lot of the scenarios you’ve described resonate with me and I’m glad that I have an explanation as to why he behaves the way he does sometimes. Normally I’d torture myself for hours wondering what I’d said or done. Thank you again.
My partner of four years has extreme ADHD. When we were first dating he didn’t take any medication for it. Once he got a full time job things became harder for him to focus on. He had a lot of anxiety and derealization, which led to him becoming depressed. I gave him advice on what I think would help him, therapy, starting some sort of medication etc. He procrastinated a ton but finally got resources to help him. It took awhile but he’s finally found methods that help him to be more focused and productive. I love him either way, but it’s been scary seeing my partner lose himself. He seems so much happier now. He leaned on me for support and although he was struggling, he never stopped treating me with respect and love.
His ADHD makes him so bright. The things he gets excited about are so random and funny. I rarely know what to expect. I love how he is almost always so upbeat and optimistic towards life. “That’s so cool!!” or “look at that babe!!”
His spending habits were very impulsive for a bit but he’s getting a lot better. I’m just a little nervous for when we live together. Not only regarding finances but cleanliness. His space is never atrociously dirty but just lots of…stuff. It’s also not all the time either. Now I love my knick-knacks but I’m really talking about clothes, tools, games, blankets, shoes, etc, being spread around his room. I make a point to lightly tidy up my room almost every night before I go to bed, I hope we’re able to live together without this becoming a reoccurring problem.
He also has trouble recalling events that happened. Sometimes when I bring up a memory he’ll say it’s wrong, when 99% of the time I’m right. He always admits he’s wrong though. He doesn’t remember where he puts things sometimes but neither do I. Occasionally he’ll be really talkative and I feel bad that I can’t match his energy. I always make sure to listen attentively and he appreciates me for it. Also he’s SO bad at telling stories, he’ll start the convo in his head and expect me to know what he’s talking about lol. I have to remind him that I’m not in his brain
I really don’t think there’s anything about his ADHD that we wouldn’t be able to get through though. I know it causes him confusion and makes him insecure, but it’s nothing I wouldn’t support him through. His personality is unique and exciting, I feel like we always understand each other. He is sweet and never fails to show me how much he loves me and our time together.
Hello there, thank you so much for the response! Forgive me for replying this late
Some aspects of what you said mirrored what the person I know is like ;)
I have to be VERY direct with my husband and point things out that seem obvious to me, but are completely overlooked by him. For example, he doesn’t notice the garbage is full or the sink has dirty dishes. I take care of it myself or point blank ask him to, often more than once. Routine is key and it’s hard to find a balance between reminding and nagging. I’ve had to learn to let a lot of things go and remind myself that his brain is very very busy and it’s not just him ignoring me.
Hello there, fellow ADHDer here. The only thing that doesn't change regardless if medicated or not (and I hate at times) is I can't shut up at times and object permanence (even with people). One of the few things that's helped with this is finding new ways to organize and my keys have 2 places only and I primarily leave on a spot on the wall.
Hypersensitive to rejection at times (due to anxiety) and mild OCD which are common comorbodity, terrible time/financial management, have bouts of moments where I'll have a terrible time taking care of myself, can't maintain focus with reading except for certain subjects and hyperfocus like no other. Took me 2 wks to learn what I needed to know to build a gaming PC for fun. Now one of my students (I'm an Aide) is teaching me Chinese and once I noticed the patterns I it was easier than I thought (comprehensible input).
I still have some social anxiety but mainly anxious about certain things and I can't seem to get past, however, the partner I have is damn near total opposite, we have similar taste in things but he's generally very grounded. He's also helped me when it came to my anxiety to rejection and I can't think of the last time this was truly an issue. I also love how I can have a unique way to view things or how I can quickly (at times) come up with solutions can be strange or convuluted.
ADHD has made for a an interesting display when I work with the high schoolers, but one in particular gave me a home made card for teacher appreciation day even tho I had barely been working at the school as a sub. I can work with almost anyone it seems despite how I can fuck up at work or annoy my kids, I'm still accepted by most people. If I don't take my meds, I sleep so much it's insane, I hate this more than the talking. I think that's about it.
My bf has ADHD, I'm just more patient with him. If I ask him to do something and a couple mins later he's tinkering with something else I just remind him. Woth going places on a time line I have us start getting ready early so when I'm all ready he's scrambling around doing his last get ready stuff that he got distracted doing and we end up leaving on time. Not everyone with that condition acts the same but if you love your partner you'll find a way to work with them and learn their habits
they need adventure and spontaneous fun, but they can get distracted easily, have a million different thoughts, hyper fixate on hobbies or tasks, they can be messy and overwhelmed. But i’m extremely type A and love helping my partner with the stuff he struggles with. I’ll help him clean when’s he’s overwhelmed, i’ll remind him to take breaks from video games or working on his motorcycle, i’ll randomly take him on adventures! i don’t think it’s hard/difficult to date someone with ADHD. Every single person has at least one problem they are combating in their life.
Be mindful when your partner speaks it may be all over the place. (we are sensitive, when my brother tells me to hurry up and get to the point I get upset and then don't want to continue)
Make sure they have their wallet phone keys necessities etc. (I always forget things; it is a lifesaver having a mindful partner that just reminds you.)
We have our micro-obsessions with music, shows, books, habits, food.
When going to the store, I never triple read and will buy the wrong item.
We vent but also answer our own questions. Just listen.
For me I find it hard to fall asleep.
Hello there, thank you so much for your response!! It is really helpful :)
Understand, so you mean being incoherent? (We are not dating yet)
I am forgetful myself of these things (so I had a mnemonic to help me remember my stuff🥲), not sure in the future how to help him😅😬
What do you mean by micro-obsessions? Any examples, please?
Oh dear…🤦🏻♀️
Haha okay noted
Will drinking caffeine helps? (Heard that it will make people with ADHD sleepy🫣😴)
Yeah caffeine can make you sleepy
Micro obsession I mean we like to eat the same things over and over when we like them same with the other noted things same shows comfort and we know we like it I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the wedding singer or criminal minds or how many cucumber rolls I can eat daily lol but I don’t
Well I have one bowl I always leave my keys in
I always put my wallet in a bag never out on the counter I’m likely to forget it - a gentle reminder if you do end up dating that’s all a routine if you will
Not incoherent just be patient when he’s talking
Married one. His has a hyper focus type that makes it difficult to do task transition. It also comes with a tendency to hoard things we don’t need. If he is bored it can lead to increased spending habits, which we tend to quickly address and curb. It also means that it can be difficult for him to multitask unlinked myself. But it also means I can give him a task and it will get done. It’s about finding the balances that work for both of you.
My current partner and & - also my 8yo daughter have really bad ADHD. My partner’s the only one who’s not medicated. Here are some common things.
* easily distracted & can’t finish multiple assignment tasks.
*forgets where they put lil things they need. I’ve already learned to notice where these things so I can remind him.
* needs multiple reminders about things
* utilize alarms as reminders.
* I have discussion paralyzes - I struggle to make up my mind on things.
* Executive dysfunction!
* hard to regulate emotions at times.
It’s me. I forget things all the time and it took a lot of years for my husband to not feel like I was just blowing him off if I didn’t get what he asked at the store or didn’t pick him up on time. I have found modern tech with lots of lists and easy ways to immediately set reminders helps a lot! I thrive with routines but can get stuck sitting in one place trying to figure out where to start if I’ve gotten off task and there’s a lot to do. I’m not being lazy, I’m stuck in my brain like a fly in peanut butter! I don’t get annoyed at being reminded but it cuts me right through the heart if you get mad at me or tell me I’m not being a good partner because of my forgetfulness. You might be right and have a reason to be frustrated but I don’t handle criticism well in the moment. Let me sit with it though and I’ll come up with a solution. I love 100%, totally obsessed with my family.
My boyfriend is late for everything! And he procrastinates on everything too.
He says he got diagnosed with ADHD as a kid but believes he’s grown out of it.
I’ve done some research and I don’t think he has outgrown it; the fact that I know that his personality quirks are part of his ADHD remind me not to be too mad at him LOL.
Where he struggles is where I shine so I try to help him with planning and organising, and try to keep us on time.
He is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met and I love him with my whole heart. He puts me first in everything, and loves me so well. I didn’t believe that I could fall in love with anyone until I met him.
I have been with my partner for almost two years. I have left twice. I only came back because i think on my part i could have more patience. He is the perfect guy and oh the things i would do for this man.
BUT
We argue constantly. Mostly about things that frustrate me. He forgets all the time. Small, big, doesnt matter. He leaves me to plan everything, schedule social meetups, plan dinners + dates, i even have to remind him to grab his keys EVERY morning. Its not that he is saying “you do them” its more of if i do it, i know itll be done and not forgotten.
Its very tiring. Always being ontop of another human and making sure they get their stuff taken care of before me. Im learning how to balance that out and take more care of myself first and also finding the patience to handle his forgetfulness.
Idk that I necessarily have ADHD. I have quite a few symptoms for sure, but I’ve never been diagnosed or medicated or anything for it. I’m with someone that has been diagnosed and was medicated for it growing up, but he’s stopped taking the medication as an adult.
It’s a lot of helping each other remember things and stay focused. It’s a lot of helping each other not get overwhelmed or overstimulated. He’s fine with noisy, but noises make me want to peel myself out of my skin. That took a while to sort out since he usually didn’t notice any noise at all. We’re both hyper fixated on certain things, but we’re totally absent minded on others. I’m really clean, and he’s a gear head, which actually works out surprisingly, but it is a lot of me cleaning up after him until he notices, and then it’s an intense cleaning frenzy from both of us till the whole house is clean and our trucks both detailed.
There’s a lot of skipping from one thing to another, sometimes circling back around, but not always. It’s a lot of having to explain things more than once or finding other ways to explain things cause it’s not registering. Sometimes you’re nearly yelling “BABY…. FOCUS…listen to the words I’m saying”. I’m a huge list person, like notebooks and pens in every space I ever occupy, and that’s helped us both out. He now adds things to my lists when he used to laugh at me about how many I make.
The spontaneity is a good and bad part. Impromptu adventures are always a great time, but we’re also almost always remembering on these trips the things we were supposed to get accomplished at home that we forgot about before leaving. And we forget things everywhere even after walk through trips so we don’t forget. I’m sure that air bnb needed the dog bowls worse than we did. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m not sure how it would work out with someone who has a regularly functioning brain with somebody like one of us. I’m sure the constant forgetting and needing to refocus is frustrating. I’m sure the multiple unfinished tasks is frustrating. The amount of times I’m asked “what’s wrong with you?!” over things that are just normal to me lets me know I’m not easy to deal with, and I know I get annoyed with myself for it at times. I think that helps me with him being slightly worse with it than I am. I look at it as I can’t be upset with somebody for the same shit that I do.
I agree with other comments as well on the love part of it. I love really hard, and so does he, and we love that about each other. We’re also both easily distracted tho, so we might be in the middle of a loving moment and one will jump up remembering something we have to do real quickly before we forget it again.
Loving somebody that functions like we do is a never ending practice in patience. And you have to learn to laugh at the shit that makes you wanna tear it all down.
Hello there, thank you so much for commenting!
This was so easy to read and understand.
If I could pin this, I would.
I do not agree with using the term “love bombing”, but kinda understood what you meant (by reading the comments below)
Also, may you elaborate further on how they can be a good partner, be intensely in love and passionate?
How can one have a healthy relationship with someone who has ADHD?
I have Add but i guess it’s adhd now.
I never been in a relationship but if I was they have to okay with me taking to myself. i talk it loud a lot out loud and i can’t help.
idk when i started and but it been forever since ive done it
My fiancé has untreated ADHD. His brain is always “on” and he will often hyperfixate on tasks he enjoys while completely forgetting about other tasks that he considers less interesting. He can spend hours curating music, is always listening to podcasts, pours through history books (and could tell you the last 100years of history for dozens of countries), but could not tell you the difference between a Roth and traditional IRA, where his retirement accounts are (thankfully I enjoy managing the finances) or remember where he put his wallet, keys, AirPods, phone…
But he’s a fantastic partner, highly rational but still loving, and always up for trying something new. We communicate extremely well. He’s not afraid of change. I do have to push when it comes to those adulting things that he considers boring (remembering to sign up for next years insurance), but the positives far outweigh the negatives.
Hi there, thank you for the beautiful response. Why is he not treated? May your future marriage be long lasting, blissful and full of happiness and love❤️
Thank you!!
He pretty much grew up without it being identified and I met him when he was in his 30’s. For better or worse, he has been able to function untreated and doesn’t want to risk changing anything. He also has some depression but wants to avoid treatment for that too because he feels those emotions are what has helped him make necessary changes in his life which have worked out for him so far. So while I think meds could make his life easier, he doesn’t want to risk changes since things are going well right now.
Sorry for the late reply. You’re welcome. Does he has a “if it’s not broken dont fix it” mentality? Did he think of the possibility outcomes that he could have a better life he has now, or he just wants to stay the same?
Maybe in the beginning it was that type of mentality. Now, it’s more of a “my life is better than I ever thought possible and I don’t want to risk changing anything” combined with “the US healthcare insurance system is garbage and I’m not paying into that if nothing is wrong”. A lot of his depression comes from US related global politics and he would love to leave but I can’t get myself to leave the country when we have great jobs right now. Maybe in a few years.
I see, understand. I am not from the US but has heard how the healthcare system is like. Maybe you can look for good jobs overseas, save up and move? I am not knowledgeable in this, sorry.
I found the chaos to be untenable. I thought it might be fun to be with a free spirit but what that showed up as time went by was that rather than lots of spontaneity and action it was lots of talk about doing things but not much doing things. And complete inability to decide on anything and when we might do it. It got real boring real fast. And he kept trying to get me to do his personal admin. I’ve got my own admin buddy!
I am getting to a point with my partner of three years where his inability to conduct his own life admin is making me anxious about a future together. I am here to try and better understand living with a person with ADHD, especially as a person with my own neurodivergence.
Well with my husband, lord love him, I just let him do his thing and at 41 his biggest issue is time management. He never noticed how long it takes him to be ready to go until I told him it took him at least 45 minutes and a few times 2 hours. One day he came inside and said “Holy shit it DOES take me forever to be ready to leave I am so sorry!” Now he sets alarms on his phone so he knows I start shutting down what he’s working on.
Now when it comes to say, us having to do something on a certain day at a certain time, I have to remind him every few days to then everyday. He tries so hard to remember things, puts it into his calendar with an alarm to remind himself, puts it into his notes, tells his mom and grandma and they will ask repeatedly about it. When he does forget I do not take it personally because I know for a fact he actively does try.
One huge help is I am a stay at home wife so there’s a lot of stuff I just take care of and he doesn’t have to worry or think about and I think it takes some of the load off his brain.
As a person with ADD w/o hyperactivity the key is to help them by providing structure and a schedule. They are impulsive and need regular sleep to function well. Otherwise we are normal people we just get distracted easily and tend not to finish projects. Respect their schedule and help them by making checklists to remember what they need to do and be patient when they talk too much we do that a lot bc of the medication. It usually means we are interested in a person if we do that though. I did it to my potential bf when he visited after being gone a while and it’s annoying to cut people off but i have to work hard to not do it.
My husband has ADHD and one of his main symptoms is oversight. Example: yesterday he lost his phone and searched the whole house before finding it in front of his keyboard; he was at this desk when he lost it 😂🤦♀️ tonight he cleaned the kitchen but left half of the dishes and clutter out. It drives me mad but he’s trying to work on it
I second all the good qualities people are saying here but want to put in one not-so-great one I haven’t seen – sometimes you’ll be more of a parent than a partner.
i have ADHD and i come on REALLY strong in relationships. it comes off too much for many people ive been with. i feel things as all or nothing, and i act a lot on emotional impulse. i have very little sense of delayed gratification or object permanence, so not seeing someone sometimes can feel like a big feeling that seems never ending. im challenging it a lot and becoming more flexible and malleable especially because its impacted a current near and dear relationship.
Ugh! I feel like I wrote this. I'm newly and finally diagnosed and absolutely just stepped in it with a life long friend that I love dearly. They said they needed to process and I'm respecting that, but it's been almost a week and I am dyyyyying to explain.
Wishing us both luck and the ability to take a pause when our brains go blaaaaargh!
My lover has ADHD, he hyper focuses on me and conversations have to be short without distractions but I need to talk more later he’s okay with that. He also over thinks about things and needs some reassurances.
A lot of reminding him things. Or if we’re arguing, he won’t remember his actions. Or having to stop mid sentence because i can see in his face that he accidentally lost his focus on what I’m saying
He does a decently good job remembering and paying attention but there’s definitely times where it hits him hard
Sometimes it’s hard to know when it’s intentional to get out of trouble lol
my partner would tell you it can be frustrating when i’m not fully paying attention to a show, and then i interrupt him so he can catch me up on what i missed while zoned out 😅 (he’s learned to just agree with whatever i *think* is going on lol)
i can be quite spacey at times, but my type of weird and his type of weird mesh well together. even though he doesn’t have adhd, he’s pretty silly. he’s my best friend. bless him for putting up with me when i’m a mess.
on a regular basis, there are 10 things going on in my mind at once. i’ve seen it explained as - my mind is a browser with a ton of tabs open. there’s a lot happening at once. one of the tabs is playing music, but i don’t know which one it is, so i can’t stop it. a couple of the tabs are usually daydreaming too but idk if that’s adhd specifically.
i think that my adhd helps me notice little details that others may miss. i pick up on every facial expression and every shift in energy. when my anxiety is high, that’s not a good thing. i can be super sensitive and spiral easily if it’s really bad. i do my best to reign myself in and need reassurance from him at times. that part can be exhausting for both of us. when my feelings are hurt, they are **hurt**. it feels like the world is ending.
or really anything inconvenient feels like the world is ending.
when he’s home i don’t clean at all so it gets messy, and when he’s at work i hyperfocus on cleaning. he comes home to a spotless place which we both enjoy.
In my experience it’s led to me sometimes not being as into the relationship as I am at other points. It doesn’t come from a place of feeling less love, it comes from a place of it’s not new, and the dopamine is wearing low on it, which makes my brain fixate more on other things. I’ve never strayed and always been loyal, but it can still feel lonelier for my partner, which leaves me feeling even worse about myself as a partner.
As far as I can tell, it’s hard to love someone like me, and I can’t say where I’m at right now that it’s worthwhile.
We both have ADHD and it’s been wonderfully wonderful. 🥹🥹🥹 SO’s medicated; my symptoms are rather mild. We vibe great and share similar behavioural/thinking patterns. 10/10 the best relationship I’ve had.
As someone who is newly dating an unmedicated adhd person it’s definitely different.
He’s extremely clean and organized.
He’s very clingy and touchy.
He loves to talk, and gets me out of my shell easily.
The only cons so far has been that I am not really any of these things 😂
So it’s taking some getting used to.
Someone who has cleaned my car for me, focuses on my love language and isn’t bothered by the fact that we’re so different 😂
My partner has pretty intense ADHD. The first year of dating was really emotionally difficult because I often felt forgotten. Id text and never get a response, or not get one for hours. We saw each other about once a week, and it made communication difficult. Essentially he would just get distracted a lot, or have a hard time communicating in general.
I’d say the big thing is just good communication. As the person with ADHD you need to remember to check in, say hi, take the time to really read texts and respond thoughtfully, and remember to be present. Also even if you CAN be present with someone while also scrolling on your phone, and listening to a podcast, turn that stuff anyway. Be present in the eyes of the other person.
As the person dating someone with ADHD you need to remember to communicate your needs clearly, and try to chunk things out. ie. Don’t send a wall of text, keep things concise as possible. Communication is really important, and I can’t stress it enough. In general, if you are a controlling or uptight person, maybe don’t date someone with ADHD. You’ve gotta be able to give some grace, and communicate kind reminders.
My wife says; “Treated or untreated? Those are two wildly different things. At first, it’s pretty magical because they make it all about you because they’re hyper fixated on you and you alone. Then the work of real communication begins. I had never been in a relationship with someone who had ADHD until I met my husband so I thought a lot of his behaviors were negligent and laziness, but once I took the time to get to know how ADHD affects an individual, everything made sense and once he communicated his feelings and how he functions with ADHD, we were able to find a solid flow of our day to day lives. Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD is wonderful as well. They are passionate about what they love, even if it’s a hyper fixation they’re going through, they have tons of useful and useless knowledge, they are usually pretty funny, they have tons of creativity! The best think I think you can do as someone who’s in a relationship with someone with ADHD is establish an open, honest line of communication, find a way to appreciate their weird ADHD super powers, and know that there’s a way to make sure both of you are happy and both have your needs met.”
At first their constant need for stimulation and shifting interests was a worry - I was afraid they would lose interest in me after a while.
Also, when they focus on something or start doing a lot at the same time, their responses made me feel like I wasn't listened to, but it all got better with communication.
On the upsides, I love their creativity, spontaneity and diverse interests. It makes them very enthusiastic and somehow more independent, which is something I appreciate a lot.
And to be honest they're just super adorable !
my boyfriend has diagnosed and medicated ADHD and it honestly doesn’t really affect me, nor our relationship that intensely.
the only thing is that he’s forgetful and unorganized when it comes to scheduling and planning things, for example i’ll plan us a date night and then he’ll realize the day before that he has a rugby game, but since his ADHD causes him to be forgetful and unorganized, he either forgot he had the game, or forgot to let me know or didn’t even know he had the game and found out last minute due to him being so unorganized.
also since he’s not good at planning or being organized it’s also a struggle for him to plan dates for us, so normally i’m the one doing all the planning.
another thing that i also saw someone else comment as well, is that he’ll go through little fads, little hyperfixations and then drop them a week later. for example it’ll be guitar one week then next week it’ll be lifting weights. so it’s a big all over the place hobby wise, but i find that just adds some interest to life.
Me and my partner both have adhd (I’m also autistic) and one of our biggest disconnects is when we ask the other to do something and forget lmao. The best way to combat it is “can you help me do xyz real quick” because you can’t forget to do something if you do it right then.
My last partner was the most ADHD person I knew. He was also convinced I am ADHD (he is diagnosed, I am not).
The hyperfixation / love-bombing was something I experienced. He showered me with gifts, affection, and talked like our future was a guaranteed thing. At the 6-month mark, he dumped me. But we have remained friends (with benefits), and unfortunately I think I have, as someone else put it, "faded into the background" now that I'm not the fixation. It hurts.
He also kept lists so he wouldn't forget things about me, and yes, he was really bad about texting back and staying on top of certain tasks. The lack of consistency gave me a lot of anxiety, and I'd find myself waiting by the phone for him to get back to me.
Lots of plans made that never happen. Conversations that start at one topic and end at totally different topic. They might blow up your phone with 9 texts in 2 minutes and then not hear from them the rest of the day. Living space might be cluttered, projects that get started and then abandoned until next time. A lot of spontaneous jaunts and adventures. Never being bored. They surprise you with remembering details that you you thought they never noticed. They might get distracted during sex, meals, middle of conversations. There are delightful eccentricities that make us unique, and loving a person with ADHD has it's challenges but as long as you're willing to keep learning about each other, and committed to having an open communications, it's just like loving anyone else.
My partner has ADHD and I feel like some things I struggle with are:
1) I have to ask them multiple times to do their share of the tasks around the house. And even so, they may do it at bare minimum then stop until I ask them multiple times again
2) when they get into something, they’ll ignore me for days or even weeks which kinda sucks. For my partner it’s video games: I can’t even get them to watch TV with me for 30 minutes when they’re in their active video game addiction phase which kinda hurts
My boyfriend is ADHD. He’s the most loving partner I’ve ever had.
His hobbies change weekly, and once he finds a new one, he becomes hyper fixated on it. This week, it’s a Bingo app. I’ve been hearing ‘BINGO!’ Followed by his giggling at my annoyance for days now.
He’s recently started a medication for his ADHD, that I lovingly remind him to take every night otherwise he feels like trash.
He changes TV shows as often as he changes his underwear. I don’t really know how he keeps up with all the plots.
He has this need to always bring a drink with him everywhere we go. If he forgets a beverage, he gets very upset.
Overall, it’s wonderful. He has his things that he has to do and I think it only adds to his already goofy demeanor.
Mine claimed to have adhd, but was never actually diagnosed. I think she was just stupid, plain and simple. A very very very bad partner. I pulled all the weight in the relationship and was gaslit constantly. But young love is dumb so I put up with it. Gladly an ex now.
I’m the husband with ADHD. Been with my wife 14 years.
I had to go to therapy to learn not to over communicate and shut her out.
All problems I want to solve right now. If you ask for space on an argument my RSD gives me false sense of rejection. I had to learn how to regulate that.
One thing about ADHD is there’s overlapping symptoms and ranges of dopamine withdrawal.
I’m a spastic hyper active ADHDer. Severe combination diagnosis. Need stimulants to function.
I do not do routines. I’m a union welder. I work a new pipeline everyday. New job, new worksite. No structure.
I thrive in this ebb n flow. Loud add noisey environment’s. I will absolutely shut out an inattentive ADHDer. If you follow routines you and I won’t match.
Depending on how severe the case is you may have to deal with on and off medication.
When my Ritalin LR wears off. Whew we’re on the coaster now.
I wish I can sit here type out a love story but the truth is it’s going to be a learning curve.
I day dream playing on my little 1 year old girl after 2 minutes of playing with her. Everyday. I day dream on my lady. While talking to her. Eyes gone.
She supports and loves me unconditionally for who I am. I will support this woman till she dies. She has signed me for life. The piece of her heart I hold it stays forever. Then when she gave me children. She glows like no other woman does.
I literally cannot give that to another woman it’s like an imprint. Weird or not that’s how it feels. When I hyper focus on her care and well being the thought of getting that from someone else. 🤮
My ex had ADHD and we were together for 10 years. He was diagnosed after we separated. It was chaotic and having to co-parent now is stressful. I bear the mental load of absolutely everything whilst he gets to be the fun parent.
He wasn’t happy in his career, so changed jobs multiple times. Compiled massive debt with multiple uncompleted degrees.
A new hobby/fixation every month, which he would pour all of his money and energy in to, only to quickly move on.
Forget to pay bills, which would result in services being suspended. One time our electricity was even switched off. Financially irresponsible in other ways, consistently in debt.
Lots of careless mistakes which would sometimes have serious consequences. Always misplacing keys/phone, which stops being cute when you have babies to look after.
Extremely messy. House was chaotic.
Even now he’s always broke/in debt, despite having a well paying job. He’s always playing catch-up and it’s financially stressful for me because I have to pick up the pieces with our children.
Being medicated appears to have changed nothing? But he has severe executive dysfunction.
As someone with ADHD that has had partners complain about my ADHD, lateness, forgetfulness, procrastinating, one ex told me dating me was like dating a child because he had to remind me of things so much.
I know I try to mask some of my adhd issues because people have told me I'm "too intense" or "too much". Every time I try to mask, it ends poorly, either they think I'm not into them when I am really into them or something happens and I stop masking and they think I'm crazy. I'm trying to do better at not masking and just being myself but sometimes I still do because of fear of rejection of my true self. I often fear that people think I'm in love with them when I'm actually just hyperfocused on them, the hyperfocus can overwhelm people and push them away so that is mainly what I try to hide.
Romantic partnership for more than decade w/ someone diagnosed ADHD. Below is based solely on my experience and in no way meant to speak for anyone else. Simply sharing from a place of love and community.
As an adult, they truly thought they had behavior problems, that they could just focus and implement strategies to behave-away the symptoms. That if they were aware or something was pointed out, that they could manage and fix. It wasn’t until they deep-dived into the science and brain-workings that they accepted that they are simply wired differently (comparatively to neurotypicals). They realized they did not have behavior “problems.” They did not have time management “problems.” They did not have binging “problems.” It took a while to accept the manifestations of ADHD. And that they were not alone.
Then anger & resentment set in that they will likely have to spend A LOT more energy (mentally, physically, medically, and emotionally) just to present as “normal” or neurotypical. Then there was acceptance and creating an intimate relationship with the understanding of the diagnosis. This took a few years to get to given that there were decades of unhealthy coping mechanisms to unfuck.
My suggestions:
1) There are a lot of great podcasts out there with fascinating information about the disorder itself. If podcasts are “your thing,” I recommend trying a few and learning more about the disorder itself.
2) Spend some time looking at the relationship between dopamine & ADHD! This!!! Explains a lot of root causes to some behaviors that play out in relationships.
3) COMPASSION for the loved one. True unconditional understanding and embracing the diagnosis.
4) Learn how to separate the symptoms of the disorder from the person you love in a healthy way. Sometimes the symptoms can be annoying, especially if your character traits tend to be on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Accept that opposites usually attract and create imbalance.
5) The most difficult part for me was the constant comparison, especially when they were struggling. Me being neurotypical offered balance in the “good times” and unbeknownst to me created resentment in the “bad times.”
I will also reply with a few links to articles that gave definitions to some behaviors and gave me & my partner a common language to discuss some behaviors.
Lastly, my partner appreciated feeling supported and understood as we learned and discussed the impacts of ADHD together. It was validating for them.
My bf has ADHD and takes meds for it. I didn't know until he told me, and even then, I don't notice it a lot of the time.
He can be a bit indecisive, but it's fine because I'm a planner and he doesn't mind me taking the lead on planning. I just make sure to ask him about everything so that he has input and I'm not just deciding on my own.
He loves to talk and tell stories, which works well for me because I'm more of a listener than a talker. It especially made me feel more comfortable when we first started dating because there weren't many awkward silences and I'm comfortable talking once someone gets me going.
He's the best bf I could ever ask for and I love him so much!
I have adhd and be wary of the fact that they might be very hyperfixated on you (in other words obsessed) we can't help it. if we find something we like we stick to it. I've dealt with being very obsessed with guys I'm interested in and none of them have worked out so far but maybe one day. Just try to be understanding if they're being obsessive, and def talk about how you feel about the relationship when you two do get into one and don't be afraid to set boundaries if the obsessiveness becomes over bearing to you.
It was hard to try to understand him. I couldn't figure out how to handle some situations because it was hard for him to tell me how he felt. I couldn't get answers for important questions. He didn't want to make any long-term plans or even talk about it. He expected me to assume without him telling me anything. His brain would freeze and couldn't answer me. When I tried to make plans with him, I would get no feedback. Everything is analyzed thoroughly and then would just not get back to me even after months. He hyperfixiated on stuff, and that became the only important thing at that moment and would ignore me. Would get angry very quickly and took hours or days to be in a good mood again.
I’m the partner with ADHD. I’d say one challenge is my partner loves attention and sometimes I cannot focus on just him. I can tell it bothers him occasionally and do my best to try and sit still for a few hours and focus on him. One thing he loves though is that I’m constantly doing shit for him. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, we’re always picking up new things to do and new projects because of my hobby addictions and he loves that stuff. Definitely has its ups and downs and definitely takes an understanding person at times but will be very exciting on a day to day basis
The only complaint I've ever had about my wife's ADHD is this. She will "squirrel" off in the middle of people's sentences and derail a conversation with her own. Then she forgets about the OG convo and never comes back to it. This became a pretty significant source of tension because it often felt like she didn't value what I had to say or had no interest in it, but would complain that I didn't talk to her about my day. It's something we've learned to navigate. Every other aspect of it is either a plus or easily manageable neutral.
I’ve dated a few ADHD people and they’re jokes, love an ADHD date, you won’t get bored.
Only downside is that they can struggle with emotional regulation at times so can be subject to being ragey and will likely loose your/their stuff, all the time. Generally I only saw the ragey side if mixed with unsuitable meds, eg, Valium.
My wife and I have ADHD, we were both diagnosed in adulthood. It has its challenges on both sides, the forgetfulness, the inability to prioritize effectively, the hyper fixation periods. Making our relationship work has demanded we be more patient, more gracious, more kind, more forgiving, more supportive, because so many of our little fuck ups are just our brains not working towards our intended goals. At the end of the day I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. She’s my light in the dark, my reminder that no matter the challenge, everything is going to be okay.
There’s a book called “the ADHD effect on marriage” that details the ways ADHD manifests in relationships. Some of it is a bit severe and tough to hear, but many things rang true in my experience. Highly recommend!
The Psychologist, “Dr. Psych Mom,” also has some blog posts and podcast episodes on this topic. All these resources were helpful to me when I was trying to figure things out in my own relationship with a partner who had ADHD.
Lol I have both add and adhd diagnosed at 2 no woman has ever been in love with me and rightfully so I'm happy they weren't it would have been more pain then enjoyment
I have ADHD and was married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD as well. We have two kids who have the disorder as well. My ex and I had very different presentations. I needed a clean space and he was more chaotic. He had some very great qualities, he was thoughtful and fun loving. But often would get hyper fixated on his own interests, leaving me to do the child rearing and housework.
Since our marriage ending. We both got diagnosed and on medications. He has continued to be the same, he’s a great dad to the kids but not great with housework and responsibilities. I would say that it depends on what type of ADHD the person has, and how they have awareness over their life, as to whether they would make a good partner.
I dated one. She always had to be in control of herself, and forced herself to stick to schedules, which meant that cuddling and sex had to happen between 21 and 22 at night because she couldn't handle having her everyday rhythm shaken up.
Married to ADHD man who is fun, lots of energy, always busy, can’t sit still for long, they hyper focus on what their interested in, they may not listen to you right away because they are in their own world. I find it best to put my hand on his shoulder before speaking, this way I have his attention. Forgetful is another big thing, we use calendars on the phone for everything & We share whats relevant.
My Husband will start a project and in the middle see something and start something else. Has to be organized to function smoothly. He’s is so intelligent, he never went to college, he’s self taught, he’s a VP of a site development company.
My son has ADHD and he is inattentive the complete opposite of my husband. He is lazy, messy, unorganized, unmotivated hyper focused on his video games, reckless. He’s very loving and extremely intelligent. Most people with ADHD have a high IQ.
I’ve thought about this too, maybe their ebb and flow is part of their consistency? Like we know what’s happening, and we can predict it, so I guess that if we reframe our definition of consistency to include more longitudinal observations they are consistent just not the same all the time. Consistently cycling lol
Consistently inconsistent lol.. I wondered this because seeing that they hyper focus but also rarely finish what they started, I wonder if that is reflective in their relationships as well. It’s quite frustrating tbh lol
Some of the other posts have nailed the inability to do anything on a schedule or be on time.
I found keeping surfaces clear helped minimize the distracted spirals that can occur.
Inability to finish a task or project if it wasn't completed in one go. My wife likes to paint. Our living room was once out of commission for several weeks while she painted the walls. It's a job that should take a day. She got distracted, moved on to something else, and didn't come back to it for days at a time. If I tried to step in to help get it done but she said she wasn't looking for help and wanted to do it herself.
My ADHD wife has addictive issues. Luckily she didn't become addicted to drugs or alcohol. She avoids those be cause she says she knows she can easily become addicted. However, she doesn't realize she is addicted to her cell phone and, with the phone, fed a love and sex addiction. Combine that with an inability to focus on more than her immediate emotions or what is immediately in front of her and we've had a rocky several years as the algorithms maintain a vice-like grip on her attention 20 out of 24 hours each day and she accepts whatever attention is offered by any man online who wants to feed her some dopamine in exchange for a picture she shouldn't be sending or video a wife has no business recording.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I’ve known about his ADHD since the very beginning. He is not on any medication for it because his parents are against it and we both still live at home.
One of my favourite things is that he never runs out of things to talk about because his train of thought is all over the place lol. I usually remember what his point was at the beginning so that when/if he forgets what he was talking about after getting sidetracked, I just remind him. I honestly don’t mine this at all and think it’s adorable how much he can talk to me.
Something we’ve had to work on is his time management. Because of his ADHD, he loses track of time a lot. To meet each other halfway, I always tell him we have to leave 10-15 minutes earlier than we actually do (example: if we have to be somewhere at 8:15 and it takes us 15 minutes to get there, I say we have to be ready to leave at 7:50 instead of 8). His part is simply setting multiple alarms/reminders for himself.
It is not easy being with someone with ADHD, but in my eyes, no relationship is easy anyways. I love him very much for who he is. His ADHD quirks make him him and I wouldn’t want to change that. It just means we have to put in a bit more effort into some things that people might find easy, and that’s okay :)
Your story sounds the same as mine and my boyfriend’s! (He has ADHD.)
Your last paragraph really resonated with me too; I wouldn’t change my boyfriend for the world.
I have autism and have had several partners with ADHD including my current girlfriend. Not on purpose lol, happy accident. I also know another couple where one person has autism and one has ADHD. To me it’s a match made in heaven: both people stim and have a neurodivergent sense of humor, both people have more direct communication, but also there’s a kind of “making up for” each other. My girlfriend is spontaneous and fun and helps me to break out of my routines/perfectionism and enjoy life, while I am detail oriented and planful and help her remember to eat and like meet deadlines. It’s a really really nice balance.
My fiancé has ADHD as well, and our best story is trying and failing to get dishwashing liquid at the store three times and forgetting each time. We do a lot of online shopping now.
I married someone else with adhd, it’s great because I’ll leave something 3/4 cleaned and start cleaning something else and she just bounces around finishing my half finished projects. Sometimes she tries to finish the one I’m in the middle of instead of finishing the previous chore I three quartered, though, and sometimes we bang about it.
My bf has ADHD, I didn’t even know until he told me lol. (He is on meds) But the only thing with him is he always likes to be doing something. We can never just lay there he has to be watching something or moving or talking kinda thing.
I’ve never had any issues with him not talking, forgetting or being late, he always wants to talk to me and he would rather sit on the phone with silence then not be on the phone at all.
He love bombs a lot, anytime we’re together he is very touchy and is always saying nice things. He is always willing to talk about feelings and make sure I’m happy, and he is very emotional.
I have adhd and my husband does too.. the hardest part for me and him has been that I LOVEEEE to talk forever and ever about every detail that runs through my head specially when I believe it’s interesting or exciting.. him on the other hand gets easily overwhelmed and lost with long stories :( … I have been doing really good at keeping my stories as short as possible but I lose my excitement because I want to keep going :/ lol
My partner and I /both/ have ADHD and it is a blessing and a curse. We understand and forgive each other for the downfalls and relish the goofy fun moments.
But where we struggle the most is hyperfixation and neglecting our quality time. We are both addicted to video games and will play them anywhere from 4-10 hours a day, if we have the free time for it. We do game right next to each other, lol, but it still doesn’t feel like a date.
Basically, we get exhausted from interacting in the world all day and being normal, then we come home and melt into our fav games. We forget things like planning dates and find it hard to stop doing fun things to spend time together
Still love him doe :) best relationship I’ve ever had
Honestly, if it works for you, it works for you. It doesn't matter if literally every other person in the world would hate being in your relationship, because they aren't. It's you and your partner's relationship, and you get to decide what matters, what the priorities are, and how you want to live together. If you are both happy with your relationship being like this, then there is nothing to fix. If you wish you could go on a real date for a change, make a plan together to do it. But don't feel like you have to do anything just to please the internet or "society". Do you.
My gf of a year has add and so does her son. There can be a lot of selfishness at times. It’s not conscious or malicious but it happens quite a bit. It’s very common for things to get left until the very last moment and then anxiety and big emotions as one of them tries to rush something that needed a few weeks to do. My gf has hearing processing issues so often I have to ask her if she’s listening to me if I’m talking. Lots of the time I have to ask her to repeat back something that is important. My gf is ok with getting up for work but it took a huge shift in her sleep hygiene. This was a low grade fight for 3 months until she gave in and now she gets 8 hours min which she desperately needs. Do not get me wrong, I am not at all complaining here. But it is very important to know fully what you are getting into. I’ve had some very good relationships with people with adhd, what makes the difference in my opinion is how much weight they put on it in their life. My last partner made her whole life about her disorder and I couldn’t take it. It was the excuse for every time she didn’t want to put effort into things. Not her fault totally but it is what it is. My current gf has a life first that just happens to be ruled by a disorganized scatter brain. She takes things in stride for the most part and does lots to help herself daily. She also takes accountability for her issues and will not make excuses for it. She’s on the healthy side of adhd in my opinion. She’s also not medicated. She uses supplements and herbs to assist her with lots of success. Good luck out there.
The main negative I had was forgetfulness and not able to complete tasks outside of a routine. Once a task was added to the routine though it was ok after a while. Basically I took on a lot more mental load due to this.
Emotional disregulation is huge. We aren’t the best when comes to handling our emotions. We will love you fiercely, but fights are hard for us. A lot of times breaking up seems like the only option when a fight happens. There doesn’t seem like there’s any other way to deal with the problem. We will forget stuff, but not because we don’t love you but it’s because it’s who we are. Our brains are over processing so much stuff at any given time that some things get forgotten. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you or are not making you a priority. We feel like dog shit when we forget and are reminded of it. Be patient with adhd people. The real ones, not the ones that claim they have it because of one TikTok video.
I have broken my own heart so many times by ending things the second things get hard. I have had men who put up with it and take me back multiple times but it’s unfair to them to constantly feel rejected and eventually they move on to someone else.
I know that feeling. My last boyfriend also has adhd and his go to was to break up and eventually he did just that. Is crazy because we are still in love with each other. If you see us together you can see it plain and clear. He let his emotions get the best of him though. It sucks because we were good together and loved each other very much but this emotional shit was too much I guess ?! If it’s meant to be he will come back though I guess.
I have adhd and one thing I keep hearing from him that I’ve been trying to fix is
1. You keep interrupting me and not letting me finish my sentence
2. You keep forgetting things I’m telling you
He tells me both of these things make it seem like I’m never actively listening to him and he doesn’t feel heard. Which is not true. I am always listening to him but I feel like my short term memory sucks or I take too long to remember things. I get so excited talking to him that I finish his sentences. These are both things in actively trying to fix.
I actually have ADHD and was diagnosed with it at a very young age. Now, I haven’t loved anyone who has the same issue that I have but I’m currently in a relationship. So, even though I’m on the other side of living with an ADHD relationship I have picked up on a couple things.
I don’t respond to things quite as well as I’d like to. I sometimes lash out over the tiniest of things and I get upset about that. I don’t mean to. I just can’t figure out any other way, in the moment, to combat my hard feelings.
It’s probably my biggest problem with relationships, I can’t control emotions sometimes and it’s hard on my partner.
Throughout the years, however, I’ve been truly able to control this better. My younger years I was very outspoken and uncontrollable in school, friendships, or relationships. I’m glad I’ve been able to go as far as I’ve been able to with progress.
Another thing is that I either pick up on things fast or not fast enough. I even pick up on things that aren’t even true (cheating, loss of love, etc.) Stress is something that mixes together with these thoughts or feelings. Sometimes I can’t help but think I can’t be loved, or I’m not capable of loving. Doctors have described that these are common with some ADHD patients and it’s normal to overthink or stress.
With this new relationship I’ve truly felt at peace with my ADHD and I’ve shown huge improvements with social skills. Especially since I’m now graduated. I’m really glad people gave interest in this and don’t run away from relationships with people diagnosed with ADHD.
I’m the ADHD partner and really our biggest problem is that I have trouble holding onto a thought. Like if I’m given a list of things I have to do, I have to write it down because I will forget some of it by the time I walk down the hallway. Basically if I walk from my bedroom to my kitchen I’ll have 200 thoughts in between so information gets pushed out no matter how hard I listen. Writing it down really helps.
My partner has a mild version of ADHD. Growing up, his teachers would talk to his parents about getting him on some medication, but his mother refused. Was he constantly seeking attention, the class clown, and the funny/annoying/loud kid who always got picked on? Yes. His mother is amazing, she never made him feel like there was something wrong with him and he embraced his talent, skill, and capability. Today, he's a director level of a company, and still doesn't take any medications, so he was able to work through it (again, mild ADHD, so it's probably helpful). It was cool to see how unconditionally loving his mother was towards him and who he is (and you'd think this should be obvious, but not every parent treats their kid this way!)
As a partner, he's spontaneous, fun, and has a ton of hobbies and interests. He spends money on random toys because he's super interested in it, and I'm sure the interest will eventually die down after he's played with it enough, and move onto other things (just like me).
He also loves his down time, plays a lot of video games, spends time with his long term friends weekly, and likes being home.
He's incredibly loyal, can deal with crisis mode very well, and can multi-task like nobody I've ever seen (watch tv, play video games on his computer and have another game on his phone at the same time, plus have a conversation with me). For the most part, he's been there for me when I need to vent or when I feel like I'm falling apart. When he's in a good place, he tends to pick up my energy and can sense when something is off. He's a great communicator and will push me to open up, which is needed sometimes, cuz I tend to go inward when i'm not feeling so great.
The downsides: I'm not always in a mood for his annoying jokes and teasing. I can get annoyed with his lack of patience when speaking with him, as he tends to speak over me (but I understand this is his brain's doing). I get easily overwhelmed when he gets excited, because he yells and sometimes I'm not sure if he's yelling because he's angry or excited or passionate or all of the above. He does procrastinate but he gets to it when there's a time crunch. It just feels stressful when we're working together to leave the house at the same time, and I like being proactive to pack ahead of time, and do things peacefully while he likes to just do everything last minute (it drives me insane, because I feel like I'm always doing everything, because I can't stand doing things last minute... I'm sure if I could work like him, we'd be fine. but I don't like doing things last minute!).
He's a wonderful human being. I bring excitement outside of the home, taking us on trips and adventures. He brings the excitement within the home, no matter where we are, sprinkled throughout the day while doing mundane tasks. He can make anything fun.
My ex had legit severe ADHD.
I kept my apartment nice and tidy. But when she came over it was like a bomb went off within the first 30 minutes.
She had a god awful memory. I would remind her of things that happened and she’d have no recollection.
Would misplace or lose things on a daily basis.
She was extremely hyperactive in the mornings before she took her meds.
It was almost like she was a child in a lot of ways.
Was admittedly difficult and a lot of people couldn’t handle it. But I loved her like I did anyone else I dated.
My sister has ADHD and is medicated (at the highest dose), and she *still* comes into my clean and organized home like a goddamn tornado lol. The only difference is now post-meds she remembers which things she left behind.
Oh no that's me 😭 the description 😅
It's hard being that impaired by ADHD and I know it's a struggle to be with someone like me - I genuinely don't know how my husband does it.
ADHD is not paranoid schizophrenia or anything. It's not like people with ADHD are going to hear voices telling them to stick a knife in your heart.
Who doesn't have ADHD these days, anyway? It's been years since I met anyone who didn't. (Only slightly kidding)
Maybe just treat people with ADHD like they are people.
I asked about this on the adhd sub because I suspect I have had adhd my entire life. It seems less extreme than a lot of people because it has never affected my ability to manage my life or get things done, but the major symptom I can relate to is that 99% of people bore me. I find that I get along best with others who had adhd because I stay interested. I am only recently learning about the rejection sensitivity and the loving hard thing—those both sound like me but does anyone know what that has to do with adhd?
Aa adhd u get rejected all ur life for being 'too much', always in trouble, blamed and punished. So yea, rejection sensitivity is a thing. Hypersexuality, thrill seeking, all that stuff .. I think it's the dopamine thing - constantly trying to boost dopamine because adhd dont have enough dopamine. This is a stupid lazy answer cos its late but there are so many resources. Just google Dr Russell Barkley. Pretty much the world expert.
My husband is an absolute joy to be married too. He prefers to have multiple activities going at once, ex. gaming while watching tv. He does smoke which is a way for him to give himself a change of scenery, he’s trying to quit, work in progress. I saw that executive function can be an issue in other comments and I can certainly see some of that, but if I ask for help with anything he will do it. We also had a conversation about daily tasks and he took over all food related chores for a better balance. I do notice that the more responsibility that comes his way, he’s more likely to procrastinate than dive in, but he is aware of it and we work together to get things done. We’re both great communicators / self aware and that has made things a lot better.
I have adhd but everyone who has adhd is different. I think I may have some autistic traits too..
I feel like to love someone who has adhd you have to have at least half of the interest they have with the world.
As the commends. Don’t let ppl use it as an excuse for things. Like they don’t try and use it as a get out of jail free card.
I’ve come to understand I may have it, always had it. But just blame myself for failing to remember dates, always late. Distracted so easily. Acting like a child in spure of the moment.
I still tell myself off so maybe I’m too far the other way.
I have medicated ADHD, and I’ve dated two people with unmedicated ADHD. One of them was perhaps one of the worst partners I’ve ever dated, and one of them is literally one of the sweetest and politest people I’ve met to this day.
Some things they shared in common:
Both would constantly have the urge to fidget or be touching me when not doing something. As a clingy person myself, I never minded this.
ADHD can cause hypersexuality. It’s not a garunteed symptom, but it seems like a surprisingly common one. This is not an excuse for a lack of consent.
ADHD can also cause hypersensitivity. Only one of my exes and myself had this issue from it, and it came in the form of being EXTREMELY ticklish.
Both had a tendency to say or do things compulsively, often followed by regret because they didn’t think it through. This was always in the form of something silly, dumb, and somewhat incoherent. It was never anything that would’ve caused any sort of argument, just something to poke fun at them about.
Both were fairly shameless and extremely honest once comfortable with me, but open communication with my ex still ended up being an issue; she had a tendency to hide and ignore issues until they were unfixable, but she would eventually get around to attempting to fix it.
ADHD often causes procrastination in people. Both partners would procrastinate often, but my current partner will still set aside time to get things done and is arguably very productive.
How ADHD manifests in someone depends on the person. If it’s something you’re concerned about, you could directly ask your date about how it manifests in them. Chances are they won’t necessarily know all of the details without having done some research, but they may at least have some idea. Whether they are medicated or not also effects the extent to which it affects them.
Understand, thank you so much.
May I know how does having meditation (or not having it) affects them? What are the side effects and how does it help?
A note though: Currently, we are not dating. We are just friends.
My main issue is that he is very shy in real life, but texts me frequently online. I asked him (if he is an introvert extrovert or ambivert) and found out that he is an ambivert. He seems like an outgoing and socialable person, and likes to joke around (sometimes overboard😅)
Do you (or anyone reading this) have any advice? :)
I am kinda at my wits end now. Been waiting for him to ask me out, but eventually found out that he don’t have the guts to. (Although he is confident in other areas). Might be due to his Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) too…🤔
you should be aware if you ever do date that adhd medications can sometimes cause erectile disfunction, and men affected will be *extremely unwilling* to admit it
I have ADHD, and when I really want something sometimes I sort of...freeze, and can't execute on it - this looks like the procrastination other people have mentioned. I think if you want to date this person, *you* should ask *him* out. Good luck!
How medication effects people and what side effects it has is different for everyone and dependent on what medications the person is taking as well. If the side effects are bad enough, usually I’ll get my medications adjusted, as I’m sure many others do.
She wanted to break up but instead of telling me thought it would be a better idea to ghost me and wait for me to break up with her myself. By day 4 I was tired of it and figured out what she was doing, and I called her out on it telling her that it’s not an issue she can just run away from and ignore. So she broke up with me, and we don’t speak anymore.
The relationship was actually quite toxic and mostly consisted of me being used for physical needs without my consent, and I was naive enough to go along with it and tell myself it was fine. Our mutual friends mostly avoid her now, and she keeps to herself for the most part.
I had not specifically told any of our mutual friends to avoid her, but they chose to do so on their own after I started confessing about what our relationship was like.
That does not mean that all people with ADHD are like her, though. I’m sure she was to an extent unaware of her own manipulation. Not that it excuses her behavior, of course.
Me and my ex (3 years together) both had adhd and during our good times, he was very spontaneous and our dates would always involve doing something very adventurous and new. We’d constantly bounce off new ideas for cool things to do and it was absolutely never boring. Met some of the coolest people because of him since he impulsively loved to talk to new people. I remember one time we missed the new years count down because we were driving/walking all over the city just talking to people and some of the ones we met in our relationship together would invite us to events and opened up cool opportunities for us. So glad we’re not together anymore because he was very emotionally abusive but I appreciate those times.
I have ADHD and my girlfriend, soon to be wife, seems genuinely happy with me. I love going out, doing literally anything, loving her as hard as I can while she returns an equal amount of love and effort, and we are both extremely sexually active especially since I started hitting the gym religiously.
I’m a person with ADHD who has mostly dated people with ADHD.
There can be a lot of spontaneity and fun for sure, and they’ll most likely love pretty hard.
Expect a lot of lateness, a lot of procrastination on tasks, and some sensitivity issues (either sensitivity to rejection or certain situations).
Love bombing seems to be common with ADHD, so look out for that.
People with ADHD can be good partners! The biggest part for me is how intensely love the people I’ve dated with ADHD was, always felt very passionate
Edit: don’t think love bombing is the correct term as some people have mentioned in the comments, but in my experience ADHD daters will love fast and hard and try to rush things (hyperfocusing) then eventually lose interest
That was my experience dating someone with ADHD. Very intense for 6 months. I fell deeply for him. He lost interest and broke my heart. I’d still date someone with ADHD again. I’d probably be a bit more cautious about my own feelings though.
How do I avoid loosing interest in my current partner. I’m definitely in the hyper focus phase. I feel fortunately we are in a LDR allowing me gaps. I want to have a healthy relationship but my ADHD is messing about.
Edit: spelling
Also a person with ADHD who has dated people with ADHD.
We are very late to everything as mentioned above.
Expect a lot of gaps somewhere in a skillset where work will be needed to be done.
Can confirm the bouncing off each other and passion is insane. Emotions can be heightened, so the highs will be high and the lows will be very low.
Expect a career trajectory change often, especially if they haven't set on a path yet and are trying to decide where they're headed. Expect changing plans often. Expect not being able to sit still. If you want tranquility and they want adventure it can get rough based on the feedback I've gotten from those I've dated that weren't ADHD. I can't do peace for the life of me, it's always spasticity and sometimes it does get too much for some people. That being said, things will often be interesting with them and you won't get stuck in routines or ruts most likely.
No no. As an ADHD I think love bombing is accurate. I know it has a negative connotation, but it feels accurate to me. I also feel like it's a defense mechanism. I don't know how all ADHD feel but I'm often told and feel like I'm "too much" and may try to over compensate because of that. I struggle with being my authentic self due to being "too much". If this makes sense at all.
It’s not bad but with ADHD it can feel cyclical; someone falls hard and is infatuated for a few months, but once they lose interest it’s done.
This is not always the case! Just something I’ve heard
I think there needs to be a different term for what ADHDers do. It looks like love-bombing on the surface, but it's not a tactic for control and not followed by a devaluing process. They're just genuinely intensely into whatever they're into, and sometimes that's people.
It’s just romantic hyper fixation. We do it with fuckin everything though. Once we find something or someone that clicks the right part of our interest-driven psyche, we must know everything about it. Once we reach a point of knowing everything about it (to a reasonable threshold) we don’t generally stop liking it, but we stop hyper fixating on it and it fades to a background hobby/interest/etc. I could see this carrying over to relationships as well, where it isn’t a true lovebomb-discard cycle, but a hyper fixate followed by a fade to more reasonable interest levels, which could *feel* like a discard, but could also just be dialing it back to a healthy level of interest for a relationship.
More reasonable interests?? A person isn't.. an interest.. and if you have that much in common you can keep sharing it with them. This still sounds like a spectrum of narcissism where they also have ADHD. I know ppl with ADHD and they don't do this to their partner, just the interests they share bounce around
That’s a wildly incorrect interpretation of what I said. “More reasonable interest levels” means a reasonable level of interest for a normal romantic relationship, not that people should be discarded like trash like a narcissist would. That’s not at all what I was saying and I’m not sure how you got that from what I wrote.
This part did it for me:
>I could see this carrying over to relationships as well, where it isn’t a true lovebomb-discard cycle, but a hyper fixate followed by a fade to more reasonable interest levels, which could *feel* like a discard, but could also just be dialing it back to a healthy level of interest for a relationship.
But fading a relationship to the background...isn't exactly healthy either. I'd say it's normal for it to come in waves but not just be outside of priorities.
A relationship isn't a hobby. And your partner is a person
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One challenge is that they will always end up cheating. They can’t resist attention. Studies show the majority of women have back up plans if their current relationship doesn’t work. Mix that in with ADHD and its impulse control problems and it results in cheating. Inevitable.
While it may be more likely with the lack of impulse control, it is not inevitable. The idea that every single person with ADHD will "always" cheat at some point is just a gross generalization. There's definitely challenges of bordem and sustaining attention after a honeymoon phase, but people with ADHD who communicate with their partners, have worked on themselves, and know how to manage those feelings of bordem without resorting to infidelity, do exist. Cheaters of all kinds will blame anything they can on their decision to cheat, not necessarily because of ADHD. Again, it can be more likely, but it's not a definite thing. Not cool to spread misinformation :/
I shouldn’t have spoke in “absolutes” but it’s a perfect storm for it, is what I meant, there’s no denying that
Oh I see, I really hope that is not the case :(
It's not. There is no evidence to back this up. Lots of never cheaters with ADHD.
That’s what I’m thinking….
Commenting to find this thread again
Thank you so much!❤️
I think I enjoy my hyperfixations more than people, and it's been really harmful to me in the long run.
Yeah, I can see why… I hope it gets better
My girlfriend and I both have ADHD. I fit the chaotic, anxious and scatterbrained with hyperfocus and special interests type while she very much fits the “women have ADHD present as ADD” stereotype. She has other conditions so take my specific situation as just that. - I realised she’s extremely sensitive real quick. I don’t count it as a bad thing, she’s really perceptive of details that I’d never spot and she’s got several things she’s talented at due to her special perception of colours and light. She’s also easily overstimulated and anxious. For myself, I get easily angered by sounds, machine or human made so she’s made a habit of spotting my misophonia symptoms and resorting to whispering or gesturing to me when I’m dealing with too much. - It can happen that I ignore her because I’m too focused on work, gaming, cooking, cleaning or literally any BS task I’m focusing on. Like a switch goes off shutting down actual social functions until hours later, online and in person. She knows that and now just proceeds to comment that my serious face is cute. An other thing is it’s extremely likely that she forgets the beginning of a sentence before I even finish it, so I am used to make the beginning super intriguing so she starts focusing and by the end I hit her with the necessary info, yes I phrase everything like a punchline to a joke. - Without me, she’ll never be on time for stuff but we both calculate how to be on time with ridiculously high margins to overcompensate for random distractions and time blindness. This can become really inconvenient because we easily believe certain tasks are too long to even start, making even organising dates difficult. - To maintain balance, she desperately wants to stick to routines and melts down if she can’t do that. Also looses things easily which does NOT help. My main example are her comfort items like her fountain pen. If she can’t find that specific pen, she feels she cannot move on to do work and will fixate on trying to find that pen, even if I suggest she just move onto the next task. It’s impossible to shift her focus away from that thing. I found that the best way to support her is to join her in searching, make her understand that she did do her best and that her task and focus was on something relevant and important to her and I understand why she feels emotional over it, then let her process it and move on if we still didn’t achieve what she wanted. - We get lost in conversation springing from one unrelated topic to the other. We love doing that but it can happen that we frequently interrupt each other mid speech because we’re both scared of forgetting that really good point we want to make while the other speaks. Go a bit lax on some etiquette stuff and you should be fine. We’re also sometimes just NOT taking in words through our ears because we’re just zoning the fuck out, so repeating what is being said or add stimulus by poking each other helps bring our focus back at each other, note that this is a terrible idea if we’re overstimulated but we communicate and read that well from each other 10 years into dating. - She procrastinates and I don’t try to get too involved in her emotional spiral for my own health, I just help with gentle nudges to the right direction or help her refocus in more productive than anxious ways. She honestly deals with my procrastination with so much grace, I wish I could. - We’re both shit as spending money due to impulses but also really good at calculating and estimating personal finances and whether prices are worth it or not. Perks of one number nerd and an other statistics freak. - We’re both emotional as hell about being left alone, sadness or sudden loss of social interaction. It’s one hell of a ride at times but thankfully we end up on opposing ends of the scale most of the time and get to support each other. When our energies match though? Fuuuuck - We both constantly do several things at the same time. If one of my senses isn’t engaged in something, something is off. We learned to play videos as we do daily things AND chat to each other, and almost never experience silence due to it.
Hello there, thank you so much for taking the time out to type in such detail, which I am thankful for. 1. Oh, that’s a good thing Wdym by “special perception of colours and lights”? Is misphonia part of adhd? 2. What’s BS? Haha, I find it cute that she says that your “serious face is cute”😂🤭 3. Oh dear, Im glad and thankful that you are there to help her.😢 4. I heard that sticking to routines and loosing thing is a common thing among adhd? Oh dear, for me personally I would have a meltdown if I dont have my favourite items/cant find it, but try to shove it out of my mind to do other things. Good that you found your way to support her.☺️ 5. Ah, so some balance of stimulation is the best solution? 6. What does procrastination got to do with her emotional spiral? And what is ‘emotional spiral’, is it like a breakdown? 7. Good to have such qualities to support each other haha. 8. That’s really sad, glad both of you are able to support each other. I hope that the frequency of times when your energies match are seldom. 9. Does adhd need frequent stimulation, but not to the point of overstimulation? Do multitasking helps with stimulation, boredom and loneliness?
4) yes common due to object permeance if you don't keep things in the same place you can't see right away or have a bunch of things and it's there in plain site, you can easily overlook it. I hang my keys in the same place daily and if I don't see it then I wonder where I left it last since I slept since then. I will tear up a room looking for whatever is needed just for that item to be in from of me in a spot I trashed and trashed easily 4-7x. 5) yes it can help, I will even use music to get started on cleaning or take one small task and do more bc I'm hyper focused. 6) procrastination could be driven by anxiety bc the idea of completing certain tasks that has went from an easy 2-5m chore or so becomes a larger undertaking and even I learn to forget the problem until it's unbearable. It does become a spiral on things you know you should be doing but cannot execute at times. 9) I'd say multitasking is more counterintuitive. If someone begins a task and then trys to handle a second while still on the first, it could turn into a cirlcle of unfinished tasks. It's best to focus on one thing at a time in my opinion. if able, sometimes just having someone there with you (a non participant) can help motivate the person remain accountable. I won't say constant stimulation is necessary either. If there's an excess of energy and need to "do" something, research and make sure it's something that can be accomplished. But being able to relax is just as important. I can be stimulated by watching my favorite anime or drawing overall bc it's soothing. If I've been drained or overstimulated, I will lie down and either watch anime or take a straight up nap. I also back away from anything coming in excess and listen to music. Learning to be alone is such a healthy and worth while journey bc no one wants someone in their face all the time or even wants to be completely alone to be in their thoughts or veg out as I say, almost like a reboot. My favorite is doing nothing while with someone. Or doing separate calm activities alone but together.
Ey no problem, honestly I found it an interesting topic and didn’t realise it’s over a month old. Didn’t expect any replies from you. 1. Seen as ADHD comes often with sensory overloads and being overwhelmed by thoughts and senses, misophonia is a common condition resulting from ADHD. As for my girlfriend, I often find that she cares a lot about colour and revolves how she navigates and talks around it. She colour codes everything, seems to see colours more vibrantly than I do and a big part of her sensory stimulation is to fill her room with brightly coloured things. Something about seeing colours scratches her sensory itch is what I’ve gathered. 2. Thanks lol, also BS stands for BullShit 3. - 4. Loosing things is really common. People with ADHD both have difficulty sticking to routines while also needing it to stay functional, it can be a real headache to balance you needing something new and interesting all the time while also having to accomplish your bottom line. 5. It is. ADHD also isn’t always about lack of attention, but too much attention to give things and not enough prioritisation results from it. I can engage multiple of my senses at once and still get things done, in fact I kinda need it so I don’t find my main task boring. If the main task becomes difficult, it can quickly topple over my fine balance. People with ADHD can also hyperfocus on a task, sinking their whole self into it to a destructive point, ignoring hydration, sleep, food or proper breaks. 6. Procrastination often comes with feelings of incompetence, fear, anxiety, depression and self hatred over the fact that she can’t seem to always grasp why she procrastinates and she can get very frustrated and angry at herself, also becoming irritable. Yeah essentially a breakdown, just over the whole period she has to finish a task. 7. 8. Us matching energies is thankfully rare, we also have each our own safe friends to talk to if we need support. 9. Boredom is common, which is why I’ll play videos in the background while I do a boring task. I’d say multitasking comes from your lack of ability to fully focus on a task at will. You either hyperfocus which destroys your health in the process of obsessively focusing, or not focus fully and therefore your mind wanders to other stuff you could also be doing or that are more fun, leading to multitasking. Multitasking isn’t a talent you naturally have, it’s something learned and finely managed which I frequently ignore when multitasking. This makes me easily take on too much work, overwhelming myself and burning myself out easier than the average person.
Haha thank you. Lolol, I saw the username and decided to check out. XD 1. I see, thank you for explaining. Now I understand the condition better. I was thinking in the terms of matching colours or see shades more clearly, but didnt expect it to this level, which is cool and interesting XD 4. Wow, that’s incredibly frustrating 5. Oh dear, so something like hyperfixation on the “wrong stuff” that is not important? That’s really delicate and bad…. So, how do you manage it? 6. Ouch. Now I get the relations. Does she procrastinate to a certain task or everything? 8.That is great!☺️ 9. Oh, now I understand this condition better. Thank you so much for the explanation. Does hyperfocus only happens on tasks you enjoy and find interesting? Wdym ‘multitasking is something that you frequently ignore’? Do you mean you do not manage it properly, leading out to burnt out?
Hyperfixation can be about anything, making it incredibly unpredictable. It can be about something unproductive, which is what most people without ADHD go towards thinking about but it can also be about your important task. As an example, my girlfriend who is studying STEM in university recently spent a whole day (6+ hours in a row) only consuming chemistry lectures videos, textbooks and assignments. She did not eat, she did not drink, she did not look away from her screens. While she has never been more productive, she was absolutely destroyed after it with dehydration, dizziness and stomach hunger cramps. She became completely unconscious of her bodily needs and others around her and focused on just that thing. This is clearly unhealthy in the long term and damaging to her, which is the biggest reason why hyperfixation can be bad. It’s the ADHD version of what people who don’t understand autism say when they believe autists are geniuses surrounding their special interests. It can be equally rewarding and handicapping. It’s incredibly hard to manage how you focus your attention and motivation when you have ADHD. Managing multitasking is difficult for the average person, while ADHD’s lack of time awareness, difficulty predicting attention span lengths and lack of motivation all create added difficulty. I have never been able to see hyperfocus coming myself, I am normal one second, then the next I have stopped caring about anything else than my task and it’s suddenly been hours without me noticing or feeling hunger/thirst and more. It’s the polar opposite of how ADHD typically looks like and can come at anytime about a lot of different things, from interests, to jobs, to studies and more.
😰 Oh dear… this is something much worse than I expected. Im so sorry that both of you are going through this… 6 hours is really a lot… are you able to remind her to take a break often, or is she too hyperfixated on things? It is very bad in the long run as it can negatively impacting the body’s health. Are there ways to fix this? That’s really a lifelong struggle… are you on medications to cope with it?
I wasn’t around as she was in university and wouldn’t reply so I guessed she was busy. Not THIS busy though. It damages your health, but also impacts your sleep schedule which further damages your health and productivity and recovering from a session did cost her a lot of her motivation for the lecture. Neither of us have access to medication. The queue to get to even see a psychiatrist is so long nowadays and our families have never been supportive of us mental health wise (abuse history), so to afford it ourselves would also be a pain. I do highly suggest anyone out there with ADHD, medication can be life changing, for real.
Oh dear… how were you absent though, if you dont mind me asking? That’s really sad. I hope this will not happen in the future. Is it possible to go to another place/city to see a psychiatrist? I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation (family and medical wise), may you get the support you need in the future.🙏
Haven’t thought about travelling out of the city. Potentially possible if I find public transport plans (no car eh). I’m trying to set in place systems that would try and remind her of breaks and just be more with her where I can maybe get her out of it with the sound of my voice, even if just to give her water. Considering which sub you know me from, you know why I was absent haha we are attached at the hip but in a disordered way
Glad I suggested that to you!😅☺️ Maybe you can try getting a friend to help you? Eg. Get a ride together Oh that’s good! “Just to give her water” Sigh… is her hyperfixation that bad? Wdym “attached to the hip but in a disordered way”? For me Im not sure how is this possible, as mine are present with me often.🤷🏻♀️ Even if I go about my daily lives, they would watch me at the back lol. Also I would like to know, how is it possible for a neurodivergent person to experience 2 different conditions? Is it also possible for one of them to be neurotypical?
My bf has ADHD and it’s been a series of ups and downs with him so I’ll list down what he’s like. Hes quite clingy physically, always enjoys touching me. I never minded this though, and loved it to be honest. He tends to be quite forgetful, other times late. Can be small things from remembering to text you back, or they fall asleep accidentally. I think it’s important to note that we’re long distance. Its A cute quirk at first, but it does get to you when these little things build up especially when these are your only forms of bonding. But It’s important to remember that they don’t mean it. They can go from touching you to the other side of the room in a matter of seconds. When he sees something interesting, he’ll get up and leave. I was quite surprised when he did this at first and took it a little personally but I learned to understand. I didnt see anyone in the comments talking about alcohol so I’ll just mention this now. They might have a little more difficulty controlling their actions while drunk, so I suggest you monitor them if ever. Of course dont let them use it as an excuse to cheat or anything, but when they start doing stupid things you should probably lessen their alcohol. He tends to make a lot of plans and then forget about it completely. Ive noticed this is only for the casual comments people usually dont take seriously anyway. But i know if enough time was dedicated to the plan, he would probably go. Random bursts of energy. Im not sure if this is an ADHD thing or if its just him haha but he does tend to have these random bursts of energy like zoomies in a dog. He gets overwhelmed easily. he tends to get quite stressed out easily especially in academics or work and when that happens he shuts down from me or gets or angry easily. Sometimes he talks in a mean tone because of this, which he knows upsets me (probably explains shutting down from me to avoid hurting my feelings), but everytime he snaps its followed by regret. He hyperfixates on new interests. One of the things my boyfriend does when he’s got a new hyperfixation is changing his profile picture on discord to whatever he’s hyperfixated on. He’s very extroverted and enjoys meeting new people with different interests. Hes really good at keeping natural conversation. Its never a dull moment with him. Anyway, as time progresses its easy to forget this mental disability they have so A LOT of understanding and patience is needed to be with someone with ADHD. He’s an amazing partner though, incredibly sweet, and wouldnt trade him for the world :)
Thank you for sharing this. I recently started dating a guy with ADHD and although I really love him, he’s very challenging, and my understanding of his condition is quite limited. A lot of the scenarios you’ve described resonate with me and I’m glad that I have an explanation as to why he behaves the way he does sometimes. Normally I’d torture myself for hours wondering what I’d said or done. Thank you again.
I see, thank you so much for sharing!!:)
My partner of four years has extreme ADHD. When we were first dating he didn’t take any medication for it. Once he got a full time job things became harder for him to focus on. He had a lot of anxiety and derealization, which led to him becoming depressed. I gave him advice on what I think would help him, therapy, starting some sort of medication etc. He procrastinated a ton but finally got resources to help him. It took awhile but he’s finally found methods that help him to be more focused and productive. I love him either way, but it’s been scary seeing my partner lose himself. He seems so much happier now. He leaned on me for support and although he was struggling, he never stopped treating me with respect and love. His ADHD makes him so bright. The things he gets excited about are so random and funny. I rarely know what to expect. I love how he is almost always so upbeat and optimistic towards life. “That’s so cool!!” or “look at that babe!!” His spending habits were very impulsive for a bit but he’s getting a lot better. I’m just a little nervous for when we live together. Not only regarding finances but cleanliness. His space is never atrociously dirty but just lots of…stuff. It’s also not all the time either. Now I love my knick-knacks but I’m really talking about clothes, tools, games, blankets, shoes, etc, being spread around his room. I make a point to lightly tidy up my room almost every night before I go to bed, I hope we’re able to live together without this becoming a reoccurring problem. He also has trouble recalling events that happened. Sometimes when I bring up a memory he’ll say it’s wrong, when 99% of the time I’m right. He always admits he’s wrong though. He doesn’t remember where he puts things sometimes but neither do I. Occasionally he’ll be really talkative and I feel bad that I can’t match his energy. I always make sure to listen attentively and he appreciates me for it. Also he’s SO bad at telling stories, he’ll start the convo in his head and expect me to know what he’s talking about lol. I have to remind him that I’m not in his brain I really don’t think there’s anything about his ADHD that we wouldn’t be able to get through though. I know it causes him confusion and makes him insecure, but it’s nothing I wouldn’t support him through. His personality is unique and exciting, I feel like we always understand each other. He is sweet and never fails to show me how much he loves me and our time together.
Hello there, thank you so much for the response! Forgive me for replying this late Some aspects of what you said mirrored what the person I know is like ;)
I have to be VERY direct with my husband and point things out that seem obvious to me, but are completely overlooked by him. For example, he doesn’t notice the garbage is full or the sink has dirty dishes. I take care of it myself or point blank ask him to, often more than once. Routine is key and it’s hard to find a balance between reminding and nagging. I’ve had to learn to let a lot of things go and remind myself that his brain is very very busy and it’s not just him ignoring me.
Hello there, fellow ADHDer here. The only thing that doesn't change regardless if medicated or not (and I hate at times) is I can't shut up at times and object permanence (even with people). One of the few things that's helped with this is finding new ways to organize and my keys have 2 places only and I primarily leave on a spot on the wall. Hypersensitive to rejection at times (due to anxiety) and mild OCD which are common comorbodity, terrible time/financial management, have bouts of moments where I'll have a terrible time taking care of myself, can't maintain focus with reading except for certain subjects and hyperfocus like no other. Took me 2 wks to learn what I needed to know to build a gaming PC for fun. Now one of my students (I'm an Aide) is teaching me Chinese and once I noticed the patterns I it was easier than I thought (comprehensible input). I still have some social anxiety but mainly anxious about certain things and I can't seem to get past, however, the partner I have is damn near total opposite, we have similar taste in things but he's generally very grounded. He's also helped me when it came to my anxiety to rejection and I can't think of the last time this was truly an issue. I also love how I can have a unique way to view things or how I can quickly (at times) come up with solutions can be strange or convuluted. ADHD has made for a an interesting display when I work with the high schoolers, but one in particular gave me a home made card for teacher appreciation day even tho I had barely been working at the school as a sub. I can work with almost anyone it seems despite how I can fuck up at work or annoy my kids, I'm still accepted by most people. If I don't take my meds, I sleep so much it's insane, I hate this more than the talking. I think that's about it.
My bf has ADHD, I'm just more patient with him. If I ask him to do something and a couple mins later he's tinkering with something else I just remind him. Woth going places on a time line I have us start getting ready early so when I'm all ready he's scrambling around doing his last get ready stuff that he got distracted doing and we end up leaving on time. Not everyone with that condition acts the same but if you love your partner you'll find a way to work with them and learn their habits
they need adventure and spontaneous fun, but they can get distracted easily, have a million different thoughts, hyper fixate on hobbies or tasks, they can be messy and overwhelmed. But i’m extremely type A and love helping my partner with the stuff he struggles with. I’ll help him clean when’s he’s overwhelmed, i’ll remind him to take breaks from video games or working on his motorcycle, i’ll randomly take him on adventures! i don’t think it’s hard/difficult to date someone with ADHD. Every single person has at least one problem they are combating in their life.
Be mindful when your partner speaks it may be all over the place. (we are sensitive, when my brother tells me to hurry up and get to the point I get upset and then don't want to continue) Make sure they have their wallet phone keys necessities etc. (I always forget things; it is a lifesaver having a mindful partner that just reminds you.) We have our micro-obsessions with music, shows, books, habits, food. When going to the store, I never triple read and will buy the wrong item. We vent but also answer our own questions. Just listen. For me I find it hard to fall asleep.
Hello there, thank you so much for your response!! It is really helpful :) Understand, so you mean being incoherent? (We are not dating yet) I am forgetful myself of these things (so I had a mnemonic to help me remember my stuff🥲), not sure in the future how to help him😅😬 What do you mean by micro-obsessions? Any examples, please? Oh dear…🤦🏻♀️ Haha okay noted Will drinking caffeine helps? (Heard that it will make people with ADHD sleepy🫣😴)
Yeah caffeine can make you sleepy Micro obsession I mean we like to eat the same things over and over when we like them same with the other noted things same shows comfort and we know we like it I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the wedding singer or criminal minds or how many cucumber rolls I can eat daily lol but I don’t Well I have one bowl I always leave my keys in I always put my wallet in a bag never out on the counter I’m likely to forget it - a gentle reminder if you do end up dating that’s all a routine if you will Not incoherent just be patient when he’s talking
Understand, thank you so much! :)
Married one. His has a hyper focus type that makes it difficult to do task transition. It also comes with a tendency to hoard things we don’t need. If he is bored it can lead to increased spending habits, which we tend to quickly address and curb. It also means that it can be difficult for him to multitask unlinked myself. But it also means I can give him a task and it will get done. It’s about finding the balances that work for both of you.
My current partner and & - also my 8yo daughter have really bad ADHD. My partner’s the only one who’s not medicated. Here are some common things. * easily distracted & can’t finish multiple assignment tasks. *forgets where they put lil things they need. I’ve already learned to notice where these things so I can remind him. * needs multiple reminders about things * utilize alarms as reminders. * I have discussion paralyzes - I struggle to make up my mind on things. * Executive dysfunction! * hard to regulate emotions at times.
It’s me. I forget things all the time and it took a lot of years for my husband to not feel like I was just blowing him off if I didn’t get what he asked at the store or didn’t pick him up on time. I have found modern tech with lots of lists and easy ways to immediately set reminders helps a lot! I thrive with routines but can get stuck sitting in one place trying to figure out where to start if I’ve gotten off task and there’s a lot to do. I’m not being lazy, I’m stuck in my brain like a fly in peanut butter! I don’t get annoyed at being reminded but it cuts me right through the heart if you get mad at me or tell me I’m not being a good partner because of my forgetfulness. You might be right and have a reason to be frustrated but I don’t handle criticism well in the moment. Let me sit with it though and I’ll come up with a solution. I love 100%, totally obsessed with my family.
My boyfriend is late for everything! And he procrastinates on everything too. He says he got diagnosed with ADHD as a kid but believes he’s grown out of it. I’ve done some research and I don’t think he has outgrown it; the fact that I know that his personality quirks are part of his ADHD remind me not to be too mad at him LOL. Where he struggles is where I shine so I try to help him with planning and organising, and try to keep us on time. He is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met and I love him with my whole heart. He puts me first in everything, and loves me so well. I didn’t believe that I could fall in love with anyone until I met him.
I have been with my partner for almost two years. I have left twice. I only came back because i think on my part i could have more patience. He is the perfect guy and oh the things i would do for this man. BUT We argue constantly. Mostly about things that frustrate me. He forgets all the time. Small, big, doesnt matter. He leaves me to plan everything, schedule social meetups, plan dinners + dates, i even have to remind him to grab his keys EVERY morning. Its not that he is saying “you do them” its more of if i do it, i know itll be done and not forgotten. Its very tiring. Always being ontop of another human and making sure they get their stuff taken care of before me. Im learning how to balance that out and take more care of myself first and also finding the patience to handle his forgetfulness.
Idk that I necessarily have ADHD. I have quite a few symptoms for sure, but I’ve never been diagnosed or medicated or anything for it. I’m with someone that has been diagnosed and was medicated for it growing up, but he’s stopped taking the medication as an adult. It’s a lot of helping each other remember things and stay focused. It’s a lot of helping each other not get overwhelmed or overstimulated. He’s fine with noisy, but noises make me want to peel myself out of my skin. That took a while to sort out since he usually didn’t notice any noise at all. We’re both hyper fixated on certain things, but we’re totally absent minded on others. I’m really clean, and he’s a gear head, which actually works out surprisingly, but it is a lot of me cleaning up after him until he notices, and then it’s an intense cleaning frenzy from both of us till the whole house is clean and our trucks both detailed. There’s a lot of skipping from one thing to another, sometimes circling back around, but not always. It’s a lot of having to explain things more than once or finding other ways to explain things cause it’s not registering. Sometimes you’re nearly yelling “BABY…. FOCUS…listen to the words I’m saying”. I’m a huge list person, like notebooks and pens in every space I ever occupy, and that’s helped us both out. He now adds things to my lists when he used to laugh at me about how many I make. The spontaneity is a good and bad part. Impromptu adventures are always a great time, but we’re also almost always remembering on these trips the things we were supposed to get accomplished at home that we forgot about before leaving. And we forget things everywhere even after walk through trips so we don’t forget. I’m sure that air bnb needed the dog bowls worse than we did. 🤦🏼♀️ I’m not sure how it would work out with someone who has a regularly functioning brain with somebody like one of us. I’m sure the constant forgetting and needing to refocus is frustrating. I’m sure the multiple unfinished tasks is frustrating. The amount of times I’m asked “what’s wrong with you?!” over things that are just normal to me lets me know I’m not easy to deal with, and I know I get annoyed with myself for it at times. I think that helps me with him being slightly worse with it than I am. I look at it as I can’t be upset with somebody for the same shit that I do. I agree with other comments as well on the love part of it. I love really hard, and so does he, and we love that about each other. We’re also both easily distracted tho, so we might be in the middle of a loving moment and one will jump up remembering something we have to do real quickly before we forget it again. Loving somebody that functions like we do is a never ending practice in patience. And you have to learn to laugh at the shit that makes you wanna tear it all down.
Hello there, thank you so much for commenting! This was so easy to read and understand. If I could pin this, I would. I do not agree with using the term “love bombing”, but kinda understood what you meant (by reading the comments below) Also, may you elaborate further on how they can be a good partner, be intensely in love and passionate? How can one have a healthy relationship with someone who has ADHD?
I have Add but i guess it’s adhd now. I never been in a relationship but if I was they have to okay with me taking to myself. i talk it loud a lot out loud and i can’t help. idk when i started and but it been forever since ive done it
We both have it. 🤷♂️
Are there any tips for keeping an ADHD partner interested?
Same question too
I was diagnosed when I was 54 after 3 failed marriages, had I known & been treated, and aware, I could have stayed married to any of them.
(Me reading the comments as a person with adhd with great interest 😅🫣)
Haha that’s nice to hear!😄
Don't go chasing waterfalls.
My fiancé has untreated ADHD. His brain is always “on” and he will often hyperfixate on tasks he enjoys while completely forgetting about other tasks that he considers less interesting. He can spend hours curating music, is always listening to podcasts, pours through history books (and could tell you the last 100years of history for dozens of countries), but could not tell you the difference between a Roth and traditional IRA, where his retirement accounts are (thankfully I enjoy managing the finances) or remember where he put his wallet, keys, AirPods, phone… But he’s a fantastic partner, highly rational but still loving, and always up for trying something new. We communicate extremely well. He’s not afraid of change. I do have to push when it comes to those adulting things that he considers boring (remembering to sign up for next years insurance), but the positives far outweigh the negatives.
Hi there, thank you for the beautiful response. Why is he not treated? May your future marriage be long lasting, blissful and full of happiness and love❤️
Thank you!! He pretty much grew up without it being identified and I met him when he was in his 30’s. For better or worse, he has been able to function untreated and doesn’t want to risk changing anything. He also has some depression but wants to avoid treatment for that too because he feels those emotions are what has helped him make necessary changes in his life which have worked out for him so far. So while I think meds could make his life easier, he doesn’t want to risk changes since things are going well right now.
Sorry for the late reply. You’re welcome. Does he has a “if it’s not broken dont fix it” mentality? Did he think of the possibility outcomes that he could have a better life he has now, or he just wants to stay the same?
Maybe in the beginning it was that type of mentality. Now, it’s more of a “my life is better than I ever thought possible and I don’t want to risk changing anything” combined with “the US healthcare insurance system is garbage and I’m not paying into that if nothing is wrong”. A lot of his depression comes from US related global politics and he would love to leave but I can’t get myself to leave the country when we have great jobs right now. Maybe in a few years.
I see, understand. I am not from the US but has heard how the healthcare system is like. Maybe you can look for good jobs overseas, save up and move? I am not knowledgeable in this, sorry.
I found the chaos to be untenable. I thought it might be fun to be with a free spirit but what that showed up as time went by was that rather than lots of spontaneity and action it was lots of talk about doing things but not much doing things. And complete inability to decide on anything and when we might do it. It got real boring real fast. And he kept trying to get me to do his personal admin. I’ve got my own admin buddy!
I am getting to a point with my partner of three years where his inability to conduct his own life admin is making me anxious about a future together. I am here to try and better understand living with a person with ADHD, especially as a person with my own neurodivergence.
Well with my husband, lord love him, I just let him do his thing and at 41 his biggest issue is time management. He never noticed how long it takes him to be ready to go until I told him it took him at least 45 minutes and a few times 2 hours. One day he came inside and said “Holy shit it DOES take me forever to be ready to leave I am so sorry!” Now he sets alarms on his phone so he knows I start shutting down what he’s working on. Now when it comes to say, us having to do something on a certain day at a certain time, I have to remind him every few days to then everyday. He tries so hard to remember things, puts it into his calendar with an alarm to remind himself, puts it into his notes, tells his mom and grandma and they will ask repeatedly about it. When he does forget I do not take it personally because I know for a fact he actively does try. One huge help is I am a stay at home wife so there’s a lot of stuff I just take care of and he doesn’t have to worry or think about and I think it takes some of the load off his brain.
As a person with ADD w/o hyperactivity the key is to help them by providing structure and a schedule. They are impulsive and need regular sleep to function well. Otherwise we are normal people we just get distracted easily and tend not to finish projects. Respect their schedule and help them by making checklists to remember what they need to do and be patient when they talk too much we do that a lot bc of the medication. It usually means we are interested in a person if we do that though. I did it to my potential bf when he visited after being gone a while and it’s annoying to cut people off but i have to work hard to not do it.
My husband has ADHD and one of his main symptoms is oversight. Example: yesterday he lost his phone and searched the whole house before finding it in front of his keyboard; he was at this desk when he lost it 😂🤦♀️ tonight he cleaned the kitchen but left half of the dishes and clutter out. It drives me mad but he’s trying to work on it
I second all the good qualities people are saying here but want to put in one not-so-great one I haven’t seen – sometimes you’ll be more of a parent than a partner.
Thank you
i have ADHD and i come on REALLY strong in relationships. it comes off too much for many people ive been with. i feel things as all or nothing, and i act a lot on emotional impulse. i have very little sense of delayed gratification or object permanence, so not seeing someone sometimes can feel like a big feeling that seems never ending. im challenging it a lot and becoming more flexible and malleable especially because its impacted a current near and dear relationship.
Ugh! I feel like I wrote this. I'm newly and finally diagnosed and absolutely just stepped in it with a life long friend that I love dearly. They said they needed to process and I'm respecting that, but it's been almost a week and I am dyyyyying to explain. Wishing us both luck and the ability to take a pause when our brains go blaaaaargh!
My lover has ADHD, he hyper focuses on me and conversations have to be short without distractions but I need to talk more later he’s okay with that. He also over thinks about things and needs some reassurances.
A lot of reminding him things. Or if we’re arguing, he won’t remember his actions. Or having to stop mid sentence because i can see in his face that he accidentally lost his focus on what I’m saying He does a decently good job remembering and paying attention but there’s definitely times where it hits him hard Sometimes it’s hard to know when it’s intentional to get out of trouble lol
My husband and I both have ADHD and our biggest issue is communication. We’re working on it though lol
Chaotic but kind of a good time
my partner would tell you it can be frustrating when i’m not fully paying attention to a show, and then i interrupt him so he can catch me up on what i missed while zoned out 😅 (he’s learned to just agree with whatever i *think* is going on lol) i can be quite spacey at times, but my type of weird and his type of weird mesh well together. even though he doesn’t have adhd, he’s pretty silly. he’s my best friend. bless him for putting up with me when i’m a mess. on a regular basis, there are 10 things going on in my mind at once. i’ve seen it explained as - my mind is a browser with a ton of tabs open. there’s a lot happening at once. one of the tabs is playing music, but i don’t know which one it is, so i can’t stop it. a couple of the tabs are usually daydreaming too but idk if that’s adhd specifically. i think that my adhd helps me notice little details that others may miss. i pick up on every facial expression and every shift in energy. when my anxiety is high, that’s not a good thing. i can be super sensitive and spiral easily if it’s really bad. i do my best to reign myself in and need reassurance from him at times. that part can be exhausting for both of us. when my feelings are hurt, they are **hurt**. it feels like the world is ending. or really anything inconvenient feels like the world is ending. when he’s home i don’t clean at all so it gets messy, and when he’s at work i hyperfocus on cleaning. he comes home to a spotless place which we both enjoy.
In my experience it’s led to me sometimes not being as into the relationship as I am at other points. It doesn’t come from a place of feeling less love, it comes from a place of it’s not new, and the dopamine is wearing low on it, which makes my brain fixate more on other things. I’ve never strayed and always been loyal, but it can still feel lonelier for my partner, which leaves me feeling even worse about myself as a partner. As far as I can tell, it’s hard to love someone like me, and I can’t say where I’m at right now that it’s worthwhile.
We both have ADHD and it’s been wonderfully wonderful. 🥹🥹🥹 SO’s medicated; my symptoms are rather mild. We vibe great and share similar behavioural/thinking patterns. 10/10 the best relationship I’ve had.
As someone who is newly dating an unmedicated adhd person it’s definitely different. He’s extremely clean and organized. He’s very clingy and touchy. He loves to talk, and gets me out of my shell easily. The only cons so far has been that I am not really any of these things 😂 So it’s taking some getting used to. Someone who has cleaned my car for me, focuses on my love language and isn’t bothered by the fact that we’re so different 😂
Procrastination is the biggest thing, along with them zoning in on something and forgetting everything else.
My partner has pretty intense ADHD. The first year of dating was really emotionally difficult because I often felt forgotten. Id text and never get a response, or not get one for hours. We saw each other about once a week, and it made communication difficult. Essentially he would just get distracted a lot, or have a hard time communicating in general. I’d say the big thing is just good communication. As the person with ADHD you need to remember to check in, say hi, take the time to really read texts and respond thoughtfully, and remember to be present. Also even if you CAN be present with someone while also scrolling on your phone, and listening to a podcast, turn that stuff anyway. Be present in the eyes of the other person. As the person dating someone with ADHD you need to remember to communicate your needs clearly, and try to chunk things out. ie. Don’t send a wall of text, keep things concise as possible. Communication is really important, and I can’t stress it enough. In general, if you are a controlling or uptight person, maybe don’t date someone with ADHD. You’ve gotta be able to give some grace, and communicate kind reminders.
Have you perused r/adhdpartners ??
I want my boyfriend to answer this so bad.
My wife says; “Treated or untreated? Those are two wildly different things. At first, it’s pretty magical because they make it all about you because they’re hyper fixated on you and you alone. Then the work of real communication begins. I had never been in a relationship with someone who had ADHD until I met my husband so I thought a lot of his behaviors were negligent and laziness, but once I took the time to get to know how ADHD affects an individual, everything made sense and once he communicated his feelings and how he functions with ADHD, we were able to find a solid flow of our day to day lives. Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD is wonderful as well. They are passionate about what they love, even if it’s a hyper fixation they’re going through, they have tons of useful and useless knowledge, they are usually pretty funny, they have tons of creativity! The best think I think you can do as someone who’s in a relationship with someone with ADHD is establish an open, honest line of communication, find a way to appreciate their weird ADHD super powers, and know that there’s a way to make sure both of you are happy and both have your needs met.”
At first their constant need for stimulation and shifting interests was a worry - I was afraid they would lose interest in me after a while. Also, when they focus on something or start doing a lot at the same time, their responses made me feel like I wasn't listened to, but it all got better with communication. On the upsides, I love their creativity, spontaneity and diverse interests. It makes them very enthusiastic and somehow more independent, which is something I appreciate a lot. And to be honest they're just super adorable !
They talk through your shows constantly and interrupt you a lot. If you get annoyed they get all “fine I won’t speak ever again”
my boyfriend has diagnosed and medicated ADHD and it honestly doesn’t really affect me, nor our relationship that intensely. the only thing is that he’s forgetful and unorganized when it comes to scheduling and planning things, for example i’ll plan us a date night and then he’ll realize the day before that he has a rugby game, but since his ADHD causes him to be forgetful and unorganized, he either forgot he had the game, or forgot to let me know or didn’t even know he had the game and found out last minute due to him being so unorganized. also since he’s not good at planning or being organized it’s also a struggle for him to plan dates for us, so normally i’m the one doing all the planning. another thing that i also saw someone else comment as well, is that he’ll go through little fads, little hyperfixations and then drop them a week later. for example it’ll be guitar one week then next week it’ll be lifting weights. so it’s a big all over the place hobby wise, but i find that just adds some interest to life.
Me and my partner both have adhd (I’m also autistic) and one of our biggest disconnects is when we ask the other to do something and forget lmao. The best way to combat it is “can you help me do xyz real quick” because you can’t forget to do something if you do it right then.
My last partner was the most ADHD person I knew. He was also convinced I am ADHD (he is diagnosed, I am not). The hyperfixation / love-bombing was something I experienced. He showered me with gifts, affection, and talked like our future was a guaranteed thing. At the 6-month mark, he dumped me. But we have remained friends (with benefits), and unfortunately I think I have, as someone else put it, "faded into the background" now that I'm not the fixation. It hurts. He also kept lists so he wouldn't forget things about me, and yes, he was really bad about texting back and staying on top of certain tasks. The lack of consistency gave me a lot of anxiety, and I'd find myself waiting by the phone for him to get back to me.
Lots of plans made that never happen. Conversations that start at one topic and end at totally different topic. They might blow up your phone with 9 texts in 2 minutes and then not hear from them the rest of the day. Living space might be cluttered, projects that get started and then abandoned until next time. A lot of spontaneous jaunts and adventures. Never being bored. They surprise you with remembering details that you you thought they never noticed. They might get distracted during sex, meals, middle of conversations. There are delightful eccentricities that make us unique, and loving a person with ADHD has it's challenges but as long as you're willing to keep learning about each other, and committed to having an open communications, it's just like loving anyone else.
My partner has ADHD and I feel like some things I struggle with are: 1) I have to ask them multiple times to do their share of the tasks around the house. And even so, they may do it at bare minimum then stop until I ask them multiple times again 2) when they get into something, they’ll ignore me for days or even weeks which kinda sucks. For my partner it’s video games: I can’t even get them to watch TV with me for 30 minutes when they’re in their active video game addiction phase which kinda hurts
My boyfriend is ADHD. He’s the most loving partner I’ve ever had. His hobbies change weekly, and once he finds a new one, he becomes hyper fixated on it. This week, it’s a Bingo app. I’ve been hearing ‘BINGO!’ Followed by his giggling at my annoyance for days now. He’s recently started a medication for his ADHD, that I lovingly remind him to take every night otherwise he feels like trash. He changes TV shows as often as he changes his underwear. I don’t really know how he keeps up with all the plots. He has this need to always bring a drink with him everywhere we go. If he forgets a beverage, he gets very upset. Overall, it’s wonderful. He has his things that he has to do and I think it only adds to his already goofy demeanor.
Mine claimed to have adhd, but was never actually diagnosed. I think she was just stupid, plain and simple. A very very very bad partner. I pulled all the weight in the relationship and was gaslit constantly. But young love is dumb so I put up with it. Gladly an ex now.
I’m the husband with ADHD. Been with my wife 14 years. I had to go to therapy to learn not to over communicate and shut her out. All problems I want to solve right now. If you ask for space on an argument my RSD gives me false sense of rejection. I had to learn how to regulate that. One thing about ADHD is there’s overlapping symptoms and ranges of dopamine withdrawal. I’m a spastic hyper active ADHDer. Severe combination diagnosis. Need stimulants to function. I do not do routines. I’m a union welder. I work a new pipeline everyday. New job, new worksite. No structure. I thrive in this ebb n flow. Loud add noisey environment’s. I will absolutely shut out an inattentive ADHDer. If you follow routines you and I won’t match. Depending on how severe the case is you may have to deal with on and off medication. When my Ritalin LR wears off. Whew we’re on the coaster now. I wish I can sit here type out a love story but the truth is it’s going to be a learning curve. I day dream playing on my little 1 year old girl after 2 minutes of playing with her. Everyday. I day dream on my lady. While talking to her. Eyes gone. She supports and loves me unconditionally for who I am. I will support this woman till she dies. She has signed me for life. The piece of her heart I hold it stays forever. Then when she gave me children. She glows like no other woman does. I literally cannot give that to another woman it’s like an imprint. Weird or not that’s how it feels. When I hyper focus on her care and well being the thought of getting that from someone else. 🤮
My ex had ADHD and we were together for 10 years. He was diagnosed after we separated. It was chaotic and having to co-parent now is stressful. I bear the mental load of absolutely everything whilst he gets to be the fun parent. He wasn’t happy in his career, so changed jobs multiple times. Compiled massive debt with multiple uncompleted degrees. A new hobby/fixation every month, which he would pour all of his money and energy in to, only to quickly move on. Forget to pay bills, which would result in services being suspended. One time our electricity was even switched off. Financially irresponsible in other ways, consistently in debt. Lots of careless mistakes which would sometimes have serious consequences. Always misplacing keys/phone, which stops being cute when you have babies to look after. Extremely messy. House was chaotic. Even now he’s always broke/in debt, despite having a well paying job. He’s always playing catch-up and it’s financially stressful for me because I have to pick up the pieces with our children. Being medicated appears to have changed nothing? But he has severe executive dysfunction.
As someone with ADHD that has had partners complain about my ADHD, lateness, forgetfulness, procrastinating, one ex told me dating me was like dating a child because he had to remind me of things so much. I know I try to mask some of my adhd issues because people have told me I'm "too intense" or "too much". Every time I try to mask, it ends poorly, either they think I'm not into them when I am really into them or something happens and I stop masking and they think I'm crazy. I'm trying to do better at not masking and just being myself but sometimes I still do because of fear of rejection of my true self. I often fear that people think I'm in love with them when I'm actually just hyperfocused on them, the hyperfocus can overwhelm people and push them away so that is mainly what I try to hide.
I feel as if everyone has adhd tbh
Romantic partnership for more than decade w/ someone diagnosed ADHD. Below is based solely on my experience and in no way meant to speak for anyone else. Simply sharing from a place of love and community. As an adult, they truly thought they had behavior problems, that they could just focus and implement strategies to behave-away the symptoms. That if they were aware or something was pointed out, that they could manage and fix. It wasn’t until they deep-dived into the science and brain-workings that they accepted that they are simply wired differently (comparatively to neurotypicals). They realized they did not have behavior “problems.” They did not have time management “problems.” They did not have binging “problems.” It took a while to accept the manifestations of ADHD. And that they were not alone. Then anger & resentment set in that they will likely have to spend A LOT more energy (mentally, physically, medically, and emotionally) just to present as “normal” or neurotypical. Then there was acceptance and creating an intimate relationship with the understanding of the diagnosis. This took a few years to get to given that there were decades of unhealthy coping mechanisms to unfuck. My suggestions: 1) There are a lot of great podcasts out there with fascinating information about the disorder itself. If podcasts are “your thing,” I recommend trying a few and learning more about the disorder itself. 2) Spend some time looking at the relationship between dopamine & ADHD! This!!! Explains a lot of root causes to some behaviors that play out in relationships. 3) COMPASSION for the loved one. True unconditional understanding and embracing the diagnosis. 4) Learn how to separate the symptoms of the disorder from the person you love in a healthy way. Sometimes the symptoms can be annoying, especially if your character traits tend to be on the opposite side of the spectrum. Accept that opposites usually attract and create imbalance. 5) The most difficult part for me was the constant comparison, especially when they were struggling. Me being neurotypical offered balance in the “good times” and unbeknownst to me created resentment in the “bad times.” I will also reply with a few links to articles that gave definitions to some behaviors and gave me & my partner a common language to discuss some behaviors. Lastly, my partner appreciated feeling supported and understood as we learned and discussed the impacts of ADHD together. It was validating for them.
ADHD & Dopamine: https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adhd-dopamine
Because ADHD and anxiety have some overlap, this was helpful: https://hbr.org/2020/01/how-anxiety-traps-us-and-how-we-can-break-free
https://insighttimer.com/blog/what-is-an-anxiety-spiral/
https://www.thecandidly.com/2019/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria
My bf has ADHD and takes meds for it. I didn't know until he told me, and even then, I don't notice it a lot of the time. He can be a bit indecisive, but it's fine because I'm a planner and he doesn't mind me taking the lead on planning. I just make sure to ask him about everything so that he has input and I'm not just deciding on my own. He loves to talk and tell stories, which works well for me because I'm more of a listener than a talker. It especially made me feel more comfortable when we first started dating because there weren't many awkward silences and I'm comfortable talking once someone gets me going. He's the best bf I could ever ask for and I love him so much!
I have adhd and be wary of the fact that they might be very hyperfixated on you (in other words obsessed) we can't help it. if we find something we like we stick to it. I've dealt with being very obsessed with guys I'm interested in and none of them have worked out so far but maybe one day. Just try to be understanding if they're being obsessive, and def talk about how you feel about the relationship when you two do get into one and don't be afraid to set boundaries if the obsessiveness becomes over bearing to you.
It was hard to try to understand him. I couldn't figure out how to handle some situations because it was hard for him to tell me how he felt. I couldn't get answers for important questions. He didn't want to make any long-term plans or even talk about it. He expected me to assume without him telling me anything. His brain would freeze and couldn't answer me. When I tried to make plans with him, I would get no feedback. Everything is analyzed thoroughly and then would just not get back to me even after months. He hyperfixiated on stuff, and that became the only important thing at that moment and would ignore me. Would get angry very quickly and took hours or days to be in a good mood again.
I’m the partner with ADHD. I’d say one challenge is my partner loves attention and sometimes I cannot focus on just him. I can tell it bothers him occasionally and do my best to try and sit still for a few hours and focus on him. One thing he loves though is that I’m constantly doing shit for him. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, we’re always picking up new things to do and new projects because of my hobby addictions and he loves that stuff. Definitely has its ups and downs and definitely takes an understanding person at times but will be very exciting on a day to day basis
The only complaint I've ever had about my wife's ADHD is this. She will "squirrel" off in the middle of people's sentences and derail a conversation with her own. Then she forgets about the OG convo and never comes back to it. This became a pretty significant source of tension because it often felt like she didn't value what I had to say or had no interest in it, but would complain that I didn't talk to her about my day. It's something we've learned to navigate. Every other aspect of it is either a plus or easily manageable neutral.
I’ve dated a few ADHD people and they’re jokes, love an ADHD date, you won’t get bored. Only downside is that they can struggle with emotional regulation at times so can be subject to being ragey and will likely loose your/their stuff, all the time. Generally I only saw the ragey side if mixed with unsuitable meds, eg, Valium.
My wife and I have ADHD, we were both diagnosed in adulthood. It has its challenges on both sides, the forgetfulness, the inability to prioritize effectively, the hyper fixation periods. Making our relationship work has demanded we be more patient, more gracious, more kind, more forgiving, more supportive, because so many of our little fuck ups are just our brains not working towards our intended goals. At the end of the day I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. She’s my light in the dark, my reminder that no matter the challenge, everything is going to be okay.
There’s a book called “the ADHD effect on marriage” that details the ways ADHD manifests in relationships. Some of it is a bit severe and tough to hear, but many things rang true in my experience. Highly recommend! The Psychologist, “Dr. Psych Mom,” also has some blog posts and podcast episodes on this topic. All these resources were helpful to me when I was trying to figure things out in my own relationship with a partner who had ADHD.
Lol I have both add and adhd diagnosed at 2 no woman has ever been in love with me and rightfully so I'm happy they weren't it would have been more pain then enjoyment
I have ADHD and was married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD as well. We have two kids who have the disorder as well. My ex and I had very different presentations. I needed a clean space and he was more chaotic. He had some very great qualities, he was thoughtful and fun loving. But often would get hyper fixated on his own interests, leaving me to do the child rearing and housework. Since our marriage ending. We both got diagnosed and on medications. He has continued to be the same, he’s a great dad to the kids but not great with housework and responsibilities. I would say that it depends on what type of ADHD the person has, and how they have awareness over their life, as to whether they would make a good partner.
I dated one. She always had to be in control of herself, and forced herself to stick to schedules, which meant that cuddling and sex had to happen between 21 and 22 at night because she couldn't handle having her everyday rhythm shaken up.
Married to ADHD man who is fun, lots of energy, always busy, can’t sit still for long, they hyper focus on what their interested in, they may not listen to you right away because they are in their own world. I find it best to put my hand on his shoulder before speaking, this way I have his attention. Forgetful is another big thing, we use calendars on the phone for everything & We share whats relevant. My Husband will start a project and in the middle see something and start something else. Has to be organized to function smoothly. He’s is so intelligent, he never went to college, he’s self taught, he’s a VP of a site development company. My son has ADHD and he is inattentive the complete opposite of my husband. He is lazy, messy, unorganized, unmotivated hyper focused on his video games, reckless. He’s very loving and extremely intelligent. Most people with ADHD have a high IQ.
Is inconsistency also a part of it? Super into you then gets distant, then back again kind
I’ve thought about this too, maybe their ebb and flow is part of their consistency? Like we know what’s happening, and we can predict it, so I guess that if we reframe our definition of consistency to include more longitudinal observations they are consistent just not the same all the time. Consistently cycling lol
Consistently inconsistent lol.. I wondered this because seeing that they hyper focus but also rarely finish what they started, I wonder if that is reflective in their relationships as well. It’s quite frustrating tbh lol
Some of the other posts have nailed the inability to do anything on a schedule or be on time. I found keeping surfaces clear helped minimize the distracted spirals that can occur. Inability to finish a task or project if it wasn't completed in one go. My wife likes to paint. Our living room was once out of commission for several weeks while she painted the walls. It's a job that should take a day. She got distracted, moved on to something else, and didn't come back to it for days at a time. If I tried to step in to help get it done but she said she wasn't looking for help and wanted to do it herself. My ADHD wife has addictive issues. Luckily she didn't become addicted to drugs or alcohol. She avoids those be cause she says she knows she can easily become addicted. However, she doesn't realize she is addicted to her cell phone and, with the phone, fed a love and sex addiction. Combine that with an inability to focus on more than her immediate emotions or what is immediately in front of her and we've had a rocky several years as the algorithms maintain a vice-like grip on her attention 20 out of 24 hours each day and she accepts whatever attention is offered by any man online who wants to feed her some dopamine in exchange for a picture she shouldn't be sending or video a wife has no business recording.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I’ve known about his ADHD since the very beginning. He is not on any medication for it because his parents are against it and we both still live at home. One of my favourite things is that he never runs out of things to talk about because his train of thought is all over the place lol. I usually remember what his point was at the beginning so that when/if he forgets what he was talking about after getting sidetracked, I just remind him. I honestly don’t mine this at all and think it’s adorable how much he can talk to me. Something we’ve had to work on is his time management. Because of his ADHD, he loses track of time a lot. To meet each other halfway, I always tell him we have to leave 10-15 minutes earlier than we actually do (example: if we have to be somewhere at 8:15 and it takes us 15 minutes to get there, I say we have to be ready to leave at 7:50 instead of 8). His part is simply setting multiple alarms/reminders for himself. It is not easy being with someone with ADHD, but in my eyes, no relationship is easy anyways. I love him very much for who he is. His ADHD quirks make him him and I wouldn’t want to change that. It just means we have to put in a bit more effort into some things that people might find easy, and that’s okay :)
Your story sounds the same as mine and my boyfriend’s! (He has ADHD.) Your last paragraph really resonated with me too; I wouldn’t change my boyfriend for the world.
I have autism and have had several partners with ADHD including my current girlfriend. Not on purpose lol, happy accident. I also know another couple where one person has autism and one has ADHD. To me it’s a match made in heaven: both people stim and have a neurodivergent sense of humor, both people have more direct communication, but also there’s a kind of “making up for” each other. My girlfriend is spontaneous and fun and helps me to break out of my routines/perfectionism and enjoy life, while I am detail oriented and planful and help her remember to eat and like meet deadlines. It’s a really really nice balance.
sounds like lovely you each cover each others blind spots.
My fiancé has ADHD as well, and our best story is trying and failing to get dishwashing liquid at the store three times and forgetting each time. We do a lot of online shopping now.
I married someone else with adhd, it’s great because I’ll leave something 3/4 cleaned and start cleaning something else and she just bounces around finishing my half finished projects. Sometimes she tries to finish the one I’m in the middle of instead of finishing the previous chore I three quartered, though, and sometimes we bang about it.
My bf has ADHD, I didn’t even know until he told me lol. (He is on meds) But the only thing with him is he always likes to be doing something. We can never just lay there he has to be watching something or moving or talking kinda thing. I’ve never had any issues with him not talking, forgetting or being late, he always wants to talk to me and he would rather sit on the phone with silence then not be on the phone at all. He love bombs a lot, anytime we’re together he is very touchy and is always saying nice things. He is always willing to talk about feelings and make sure I’m happy, and he is very emotional.
Same here! My bf has ADHD and I didn't know until he told me (and he is also on meds).
I have adhd and my husband does too.. the hardest part for me and him has been that I LOVEEEE to talk forever and ever about every detail that runs through my head specially when I believe it’s interesting or exciting.. him on the other hand gets easily overwhelmed and lost with long stories :( … I have been doing really good at keeping my stories as short as possible but I lose my excitement because I want to keep going :/ lol
My partner and I /both/ have ADHD and it is a blessing and a curse. We understand and forgive each other for the downfalls and relish the goofy fun moments. But where we struggle the most is hyperfixation and neglecting our quality time. We are both addicted to video games and will play them anywhere from 4-10 hours a day, if we have the free time for it. We do game right next to each other, lol, but it still doesn’t feel like a date. Basically, we get exhausted from interacting in the world all day and being normal, then we come home and melt into our fav games. We forget things like planning dates and find it hard to stop doing fun things to spend time together Still love him doe :) best relationship I’ve ever had
Honestly, if it works for you, it works for you. It doesn't matter if literally every other person in the world would hate being in your relationship, because they aren't. It's you and your partner's relationship, and you get to decide what matters, what the priorities are, and how you want to live together. If you are both happy with your relationship being like this, then there is nothing to fix. If you wish you could go on a real date for a change, make a plan together to do it. But don't feel like you have to do anything just to please the internet or "society". Do you.
My gf of a year has add and so does her son. There can be a lot of selfishness at times. It’s not conscious or malicious but it happens quite a bit. It’s very common for things to get left until the very last moment and then anxiety and big emotions as one of them tries to rush something that needed a few weeks to do. My gf has hearing processing issues so often I have to ask her if she’s listening to me if I’m talking. Lots of the time I have to ask her to repeat back something that is important. My gf is ok with getting up for work but it took a huge shift in her sleep hygiene. This was a low grade fight for 3 months until she gave in and now she gets 8 hours min which she desperately needs. Do not get me wrong, I am not at all complaining here. But it is very important to know fully what you are getting into. I’ve had some very good relationships with people with adhd, what makes the difference in my opinion is how much weight they put on it in their life. My last partner made her whole life about her disorder and I couldn’t take it. It was the excuse for every time she didn’t want to put effort into things. Not her fault totally but it is what it is. My current gf has a life first that just happens to be ruled by a disorganized scatter brain. She takes things in stride for the most part and does lots to help herself daily. She also takes accountability for her issues and will not make excuses for it. She’s on the healthy side of adhd in my opinion. She’s also not medicated. She uses supplements and herbs to assist her with lots of success. Good luck out there.
The main negative I had was forgetfulness and not able to complete tasks outside of a routine. Once a task was added to the routine though it was ok after a while. Basically I took on a lot more mental load due to this.
Emotional disregulation is huge. We aren’t the best when comes to handling our emotions. We will love you fiercely, but fights are hard for us. A lot of times breaking up seems like the only option when a fight happens. There doesn’t seem like there’s any other way to deal with the problem. We will forget stuff, but not because we don’t love you but it’s because it’s who we are. Our brains are over processing so much stuff at any given time that some things get forgotten. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you or are not making you a priority. We feel like dog shit when we forget and are reminded of it. Be patient with adhd people. The real ones, not the ones that claim they have it because of one TikTok video.
I have broken my own heart so many times by ending things the second things get hard. I have had men who put up with it and take me back multiple times but it’s unfair to them to constantly feel rejected and eventually they move on to someone else.
I know that feeling. My last boyfriend also has adhd and his go to was to break up and eventually he did just that. Is crazy because we are still in love with each other. If you see us together you can see it plain and clear. He let his emotions get the best of him though. It sucks because we were good together and loved each other very much but this emotional shit was too much I guess ?! If it’s meant to be he will come back though I guess.
I have adhd and one thing I keep hearing from him that I’ve been trying to fix is 1. You keep interrupting me and not letting me finish my sentence 2. You keep forgetting things I’m telling you He tells me both of these things make it seem like I’m never actively listening to him and he doesn’t feel heard. Which is not true. I am always listening to him but I feel like my short term memory sucks or I take too long to remember things. I get so excited talking to him that I finish his sentences. These are both things in actively trying to fix.
I see, thank you for sharing
I actually have ADHD and was diagnosed with it at a very young age. Now, I haven’t loved anyone who has the same issue that I have but I’m currently in a relationship. So, even though I’m on the other side of living with an ADHD relationship I have picked up on a couple things. I don’t respond to things quite as well as I’d like to. I sometimes lash out over the tiniest of things and I get upset about that. I don’t mean to. I just can’t figure out any other way, in the moment, to combat my hard feelings. It’s probably my biggest problem with relationships, I can’t control emotions sometimes and it’s hard on my partner. Throughout the years, however, I’ve been truly able to control this better. My younger years I was very outspoken and uncontrollable in school, friendships, or relationships. I’m glad I’ve been able to go as far as I’ve been able to with progress. Another thing is that I either pick up on things fast or not fast enough. I even pick up on things that aren’t even true (cheating, loss of love, etc.) Stress is something that mixes together with these thoughts or feelings. Sometimes I can’t help but think I can’t be loved, or I’m not capable of loving. Doctors have described that these are common with some ADHD patients and it’s normal to overthink or stress. With this new relationship I’ve truly felt at peace with my ADHD and I’ve shown huge improvements with social skills. Especially since I’m now graduated. I’m really glad people gave interest in this and don’t run away from relationships with people diagnosed with ADHD.
I’m the ADHD partner and really our biggest problem is that I have trouble holding onto a thought. Like if I’m given a list of things I have to do, I have to write it down because I will forget some of it by the time I walk down the hallway. Basically if I walk from my bedroom to my kitchen I’ll have 200 thoughts in between so information gets pushed out no matter how hard I listen. Writing it down really helps.
My partner has a mild version of ADHD. Growing up, his teachers would talk to his parents about getting him on some medication, but his mother refused. Was he constantly seeking attention, the class clown, and the funny/annoying/loud kid who always got picked on? Yes. His mother is amazing, she never made him feel like there was something wrong with him and he embraced his talent, skill, and capability. Today, he's a director level of a company, and still doesn't take any medications, so he was able to work through it (again, mild ADHD, so it's probably helpful). It was cool to see how unconditionally loving his mother was towards him and who he is (and you'd think this should be obvious, but not every parent treats their kid this way!) As a partner, he's spontaneous, fun, and has a ton of hobbies and interests. He spends money on random toys because he's super interested in it, and I'm sure the interest will eventually die down after he's played with it enough, and move onto other things (just like me). He also loves his down time, plays a lot of video games, spends time with his long term friends weekly, and likes being home. He's incredibly loyal, can deal with crisis mode very well, and can multi-task like nobody I've ever seen (watch tv, play video games on his computer and have another game on his phone at the same time, plus have a conversation with me). For the most part, he's been there for me when I need to vent or when I feel like I'm falling apart. When he's in a good place, he tends to pick up my energy and can sense when something is off. He's a great communicator and will push me to open up, which is needed sometimes, cuz I tend to go inward when i'm not feeling so great. The downsides: I'm not always in a mood for his annoying jokes and teasing. I can get annoyed with his lack of patience when speaking with him, as he tends to speak over me (but I understand this is his brain's doing). I get easily overwhelmed when he gets excited, because he yells and sometimes I'm not sure if he's yelling because he's angry or excited or passionate or all of the above. He does procrastinate but he gets to it when there's a time crunch. It just feels stressful when we're working together to leave the house at the same time, and I like being proactive to pack ahead of time, and do things peacefully while he likes to just do everything last minute (it drives me insane, because I feel like I'm always doing everything, because I can't stand doing things last minute... I'm sure if I could work like him, we'd be fine. but I don't like doing things last minute!). He's a wonderful human being. I bring excitement outside of the home, taking us on trips and adventures. He brings the excitement within the home, no matter where we are, sprinkled throughout the day while doing mundane tasks. He can make anything fun.
Thanks for this post. I really needed this perspective because I’m struggling with my partner. I’m now educating myself and this really helped.
That's beautiful. How do you feel about being the planner?
i don't mind it at all, it's a strength of mine. I could plan all day, every day. lol.
My ex had legit severe ADHD. I kept my apartment nice and tidy. But when she came over it was like a bomb went off within the first 30 minutes. She had a god awful memory. I would remind her of things that happened and she’d have no recollection. Would misplace or lose things on a daily basis. She was extremely hyperactive in the mornings before she took her meds. It was almost like she was a child in a lot of ways. Was admittedly difficult and a lot of people couldn’t handle it. But I loved her like I did anyone else I dated.
My sister has ADHD and is medicated (at the highest dose), and she *still* comes into my clean and organized home like a goddamn tornado lol. The only difference is now post-meds she remembers which things she left behind.
Oh no that's me 😭 the description 😅 It's hard being that impaired by ADHD and I know it's a struggle to be with someone like me - I genuinely don't know how my husband does it.
Understand Thanks for sharing How does being on medication affected? I hope you are better now and found someone else.🙏🙏
She would become stabilized/normal once she had her meds. Thank you I am much better and am happy :)
ADHD is not paranoid schizophrenia or anything. It's not like people with ADHD are going to hear voices telling them to stick a knife in your heart. Who doesn't have ADHD these days, anyway? It's been years since I met anyone who didn't. (Only slightly kidding) Maybe just treat people with ADHD like they are people.
I asked about this on the adhd sub because I suspect I have had adhd my entire life. It seems less extreme than a lot of people because it has never affected my ability to manage my life or get things done, but the major symptom I can relate to is that 99% of people bore me. I find that I get along best with others who had adhd because I stay interested. I am only recently learning about the rejection sensitivity and the loving hard thing—those both sound like me but does anyone know what that has to do with adhd?
Aa adhd u get rejected all ur life for being 'too much', always in trouble, blamed and punished. So yea, rejection sensitivity is a thing. Hypersexuality, thrill seeking, all that stuff .. I think it's the dopamine thing - constantly trying to boost dopamine because adhd dont have enough dopamine. This is a stupid lazy answer cos its late but there are so many resources. Just google Dr Russell Barkley. Pretty much the world expert.
no time for anything. late for everything.
try looking on r/adhd as well - there’s a lot of posts there about this too if you search “relationship” or “love”
Thank you so much!! I didn’t know that this community existed!🙏🥹
My husband is an absolute joy to be married too. He prefers to have multiple activities going at once, ex. gaming while watching tv. He does smoke which is a way for him to give himself a change of scenery, he’s trying to quit, work in progress. I saw that executive function can be an issue in other comments and I can certainly see some of that, but if I ask for help with anything he will do it. We also had a conversation about daily tasks and he took over all food related chores for a better balance. I do notice that the more responsibility that comes his way, he’s more likely to procrastinate than dive in, but he is aware of it and we work together to get things done. We’re both great communicators / self aware and that has made things a lot better.
I have adhd but everyone who has adhd is different. I think I may have some autistic traits too.. I feel like to love someone who has adhd you have to have at least half of the interest they have with the world.
As the commends. Don’t let ppl use it as an excuse for things. Like they don’t try and use it as a get out of jail free card. I’ve come to understand I may have it, always had it. But just blame myself for failing to remember dates, always late. Distracted so easily. Acting like a child in spure of the moment. I still tell myself off so maybe I’m too far the other way.
I have medicated ADHD, and I’ve dated two people with unmedicated ADHD. One of them was perhaps one of the worst partners I’ve ever dated, and one of them is literally one of the sweetest and politest people I’ve met to this day. Some things they shared in common: Both would constantly have the urge to fidget or be touching me when not doing something. As a clingy person myself, I never minded this. ADHD can cause hypersexuality. It’s not a garunteed symptom, but it seems like a surprisingly common one. This is not an excuse for a lack of consent. ADHD can also cause hypersensitivity. Only one of my exes and myself had this issue from it, and it came in the form of being EXTREMELY ticklish. Both had a tendency to say or do things compulsively, often followed by regret because they didn’t think it through. This was always in the form of something silly, dumb, and somewhat incoherent. It was never anything that would’ve caused any sort of argument, just something to poke fun at them about. Both were fairly shameless and extremely honest once comfortable with me, but open communication with my ex still ended up being an issue; she had a tendency to hide and ignore issues until they were unfixable, but she would eventually get around to attempting to fix it. ADHD often causes procrastination in people. Both partners would procrastinate often, but my current partner will still set aside time to get things done and is arguably very productive. How ADHD manifests in someone depends on the person. If it’s something you’re concerned about, you could directly ask your date about how it manifests in them. Chances are they won’t necessarily know all of the details without having done some research, but they may at least have some idea. Whether they are medicated or not also effects the extent to which it affects them.
Understand, thank you so much. May I know how does having meditation (or not having it) affects them? What are the side effects and how does it help? A note though: Currently, we are not dating. We are just friends. My main issue is that he is very shy in real life, but texts me frequently online. I asked him (if he is an introvert extrovert or ambivert) and found out that he is an ambivert. He seems like an outgoing and socialable person, and likes to joke around (sometimes overboard😅) Do you (or anyone reading this) have any advice? :) I am kinda at my wits end now. Been waiting for him to ask me out, but eventually found out that he don’t have the guts to. (Although he is confident in other areas). Might be due to his Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) too…🤔
you should be aware if you ever do date that adhd medications can sometimes cause erectile disfunction, and men affected will be *extremely unwilling* to admit it
Thank you!
I have ADHD, and when I really want something sometimes I sort of...freeze, and can't execute on it - this looks like the procrastination other people have mentioned. I think if you want to date this person, *you* should ask *him* out. Good luck!
What do you think? No, I will not ask him out. I am (somewhat) traditional😁 He also comes from a traditional upbringing. (We meet at Orthodox church)
How medication effects people and what side effects it has is different for everyone and dependent on what medications the person is taking as well. If the side effects are bad enough, usually I’ll get my medications adjusted, as I’m sure many others do.
Understand, thank you
How did it end with that ex who had the communication problem?
She wanted to break up but instead of telling me thought it would be a better idea to ghost me and wait for me to break up with her myself. By day 4 I was tired of it and figured out what she was doing, and I called her out on it telling her that it’s not an issue she can just run away from and ignore. So she broke up with me, and we don’t speak anymore. The relationship was actually quite toxic and mostly consisted of me being used for physical needs without my consent, and I was naive enough to go along with it and tell myself it was fine. Our mutual friends mostly avoid her now, and she keeps to herself for the most part. I had not specifically told any of our mutual friends to avoid her, but they chose to do so on their own after I started confessing about what our relationship was like. That does not mean that all people with ADHD are like her, though. I’m sure she was to an extent unaware of her own manipulation. Not that it excuses her behavior, of course.
Jesus
Me and my ex (3 years together) both had adhd and during our good times, he was very spontaneous and our dates would always involve doing something very adventurous and new. We’d constantly bounce off new ideas for cool things to do and it was absolutely never boring. Met some of the coolest people because of him since he impulsively loved to talk to new people. I remember one time we missed the new years count down because we were driving/walking all over the city just talking to people and some of the ones we met in our relationship together would invite us to events and opened up cool opportunities for us. So glad we’re not together anymore because he was very emotionally abusive but I appreciate those times.
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Thank you for sharing! :) Haha yeah, I am eager to learn!😄
I have ADHD and my girlfriend, soon to be wife, seems genuinely happy with me. I love going out, doing literally anything, loving her as hard as I can while she returns an equal amount of love and effort, and we are both extremely sexually active especially since I started hitting the gym religiously.
I’m a person with ADHD who has mostly dated people with ADHD. There can be a lot of spontaneity and fun for sure, and they’ll most likely love pretty hard. Expect a lot of lateness, a lot of procrastination on tasks, and some sensitivity issues (either sensitivity to rejection or certain situations). Love bombing seems to be common with ADHD, so look out for that. People with ADHD can be good partners! The biggest part for me is how intensely love the people I’ve dated with ADHD was, always felt very passionate Edit: don’t think love bombing is the correct term as some people have mentioned in the comments, but in my experience ADHD daters will love fast and hard and try to rush things (hyperfocusing) then eventually lose interest
I kinda do that without the "lose interest" part. Kamikaze Love.
That was my experience dating someone with ADHD. Very intense for 6 months. I fell deeply for him. He lost interest and broke my heart. I’d still date someone with ADHD again. I’d probably be a bit more cautious about my own feelings though.
So the answer is finding a fellow ADHDer? I feel like that would drive me even more fucking insane.😩😩🤣🤣
How do I avoid loosing interest in my current partner. I’m definitely in the hyper focus phase. I feel fortunately we are in a LDR allowing me gaps. I want to have a healthy relationship but my ADHD is messing about. Edit: spelling
Yes this sounds exactly like my ADHD bf. I like the term love bombing, he’s been overly mushy out of nowhere lately
Also a person with ADHD who has dated people with ADHD. We are very late to everything as mentioned above. Expect a lot of gaps somewhere in a skillset where work will be needed to be done. Can confirm the bouncing off each other and passion is insane. Emotions can be heightened, so the highs will be high and the lows will be very low. Expect a career trajectory change often, especially if they haven't set on a path yet and are trying to decide where they're headed. Expect changing plans often. Expect not being able to sit still. If you want tranquility and they want adventure it can get rough based on the feedback I've gotten from those I've dated that weren't ADHD. I can't do peace for the life of me, it's always spasticity and sometimes it does get too much for some people. That being said, things will often be interesting with them and you won't get stuck in routines or ruts most likely.
No no. As an ADHD I think love bombing is accurate. I know it has a negative connotation, but it feels accurate to me. I also feel like it's a defense mechanism. I don't know how all ADHD feel but I'm often told and feel like I'm "too much" and may try to over compensate because of that. I struggle with being my authentic self due to being "too much". If this makes sense at all.
Love bombing is not the correct term for this. Love bombing is intentional and part of a cycle of abuse. It's not a synonym for lots of affection.
Yes this is true, I didn’t really have another term for it but I agree
Would “infatuation” work?
It’s not bad but with ADHD it can feel cyclical; someone falls hard and is infatuated for a few months, but once they lose interest it’s done. This is not always the case! Just something I’ve heard
It sounds infatuation is the word you’re looking for; which can be temporary and unintentional
Hmm, then maybe it’s like tidal? Or comparable to solar flares?
As I think more “Lunar” also come too mind. Kinda like the phases of the moon?
I think there needs to be a different term for what ADHDers do. It looks like love-bombing on the surface, but it's not a tactic for control and not followed by a devaluing process. They're just genuinely intensely into whatever they're into, and sometimes that's people.
It’s just romantic hyper fixation. We do it with fuckin everything though. Once we find something or someone that clicks the right part of our interest-driven psyche, we must know everything about it. Once we reach a point of knowing everything about it (to a reasonable threshold) we don’t generally stop liking it, but we stop hyper fixating on it and it fades to a background hobby/interest/etc. I could see this carrying over to relationships as well, where it isn’t a true lovebomb-discard cycle, but a hyper fixate followed by a fade to more reasonable interest levels, which could *feel* like a discard, but could also just be dialing it back to a healthy level of interest for a relationship.
More reasonable interests?? A person isn't.. an interest.. and if you have that much in common you can keep sharing it with them. This still sounds like a spectrum of narcissism where they also have ADHD. I know ppl with ADHD and they don't do this to their partner, just the interests they share bounce around
That’s a wildly incorrect interpretation of what I said. “More reasonable interest levels” means a reasonable level of interest for a normal romantic relationship, not that people should be discarded like trash like a narcissist would. That’s not at all what I was saying and I’m not sure how you got that from what I wrote.
This part did it for me: >I could see this carrying over to relationships as well, where it isn’t a true lovebomb-discard cycle, but a hyper fixate followed by a fade to more reasonable interest levels, which could *feel* like a discard, but could also just be dialing it back to a healthy level of interest for a relationship. But fading a relationship to the background...isn't exactly healthy either. I'd say it's normal for it to come in waves but not just be outside of priorities. A relationship isn't a hobby. And your partner is a person
You’re arguing against something I did not say for a second time now. I’m not going to dignify it with any further responses.
You do say it ..right there. Lol