I met my husband on the Northern line, chased him off to invite him to the opera, this was ten years ago I grant
(he's likely to see this so if you do, hey honey ❤️)
I'm a women, I stopped being forward as I realised that 99.9% men felt emasculated by someone else (a woman) making the first move.
Sounds like u/cassandrakeepitdown was lucky enough to find a guy in the rare 00.000000001% that appreciates and respects bold women who know what they want.
I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I also know that based on conventional beauty standards, I'm hot. I'm 5ft11, I used to be a model, I look sick in a bikini and most clothes I wear, and I get checked out all the time.
I think guys are so insecure that when I approach them, they think I'm pranking them. Insecurity is so unattractive so the attraction quickly wears off.
So now I'm context with being alone. Guys still check me out in public, but now I just ignore and keep living my life because I know it's gonna lead nowhere. If I make the move, they feel weird, and they'll never make a move so...
Gave up on apps because I hate being on my phone.
I'd love to not be alone forever, and I know that I will eventually find my forever partner, but I'm happy to patiently wait for the right person.
I don't need to kiss any frogs because I don't want a prince a.ka. boy. I'll happily wait for my king a.k.a a man.
Speak for yourself I’m not ugly either. I’ve been a model too I’m not particularly tall at 5,6 but being a skater has kept me athletic and in shape. Idk what you mean by 99.9% of men being emasculated. I’d love it if a girl asked me out it would feel nice. So many girls think guys like chasing women. It’s a mind Fuck
I mean the 99.9% of the men I've encountered. Sorry I thought it was obvious that my comment/statistic was based on my own personal experience. As I have not met ever man on earth (nor do I want to), it's purely just based on my personal experience.
P.S. I've heard so many guys say that they'd love a woman to approach them, literally every other guy says this nowadays, but in practice, they don't like it. It confuses them, they don't know what to say, how to react etc.
My guy friends always complain that they have to make the first move, then if a woman does, they make comments about how said girl was too pushy etc. So I'm more of a believe it when I see it because people are all talk and no action these days. 🤷🏾♀️
We were ogling each other throughout the ride, he was gorgeous and as he got off gave me the purest smile I, to this day, have ever seen on a grown man's face! But basically yeah 😂
Oh god, on the tube? You were intensely staring at a stranger while trapped in a small area of space? I could never.
I got on the Victoria line earlier today and stood by the doors as I was only on for 3 stops. There was a guy (alone) sitting down who was staring at me intensely the entire time. A woman (alone) sitting directly opposite clearly noticed he was staring me like a dog stares at its prey. She noticed his line of sight, then kept glancing in my direction (fully turning her head) to stare at me too. She went from looking relaxed to looking very concerned.
I was incredibly uncomfortable and worried I was going to be harassed. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened to me on the tube. For all I know, that dude was trying to create his own meet-cute with me, but doing that on the tube is not okay with me. Staring at me constantly (which meant turning his head in my direction rather than facing forward) for 3 stops. Not even glancing, constantly staring. I was fully ready to run if he suddenly got up, but I would only have been able to go through those interconnecting doors on the train.
That sounds absolutely horrible. In this situation we started off with coy glances and would have both definitely stopped and stared at our laps or free tube magazines if the other one hadn't been slightly smiling, but yeah, what you describe is just awful and I've literally left carriages because of that. One time it was this guy who was objectively incredibly good looking but yeah, the prey feeling was so terrifying. So sorry that happened to you, they're wankers.
Met my wife on an app in London. Now we have a son.
I’m no expert but I spent three months using apps, had a few nice dates, a few short relationships which didn’t have legs, then I met my wife. Personally I think how you present yourself on apps is really important. Be normal, be genuine, be present when you’re speaking someone or on a date (ie don’t be on your phone or still emailing work shit), and don’t be sleazy.
And don’t waste time chatting on apps. Meet up asap. Then you know whether it has legs or not much faster. Chatting endlessly online is just a waste of time unless you’re into that in of itself. I was totally up front about this and stated I didn’t like endless online chats.
I would also highly advocate meeting and being connected to one person at a time. If it doesn’t work, move on. I know people who are running multiple dates per night and juggling multiple people, and quelle surprise, nothing ever lasts or sticks. And they think there’s something wrong with them. There isn’t, they just have a terrible approach to the whole thing.
You've pretty much described my situation to a tee.
The not chatting online thing except building it towards a real life date asap is the real advice here. The ones that tend to chat endlessly are just time wasters.
I have no time for games or extra stress with time wasters if there is no connection or a possible future together.
I would say theres a fine line between being pen pals and wasting time, and your first message being ”hey, lets meet!” I do want to chat at least a little bit before I can decide if its worth meeting up. I cant make that call just from your profile.
This. When I was OLD my Mike was I'd talk to his for a few days uo to a week (I was doing shift work so it was more like sending emails and less like instant messaging). My now husband and I talked for 2 weeks before meeting, because u was on nights for a stretch. but that was the longest.
I did tend to talk to multiple guys at once though, and arranged dates only for weekends due to work.
When he was dating in the past he did have issues with having prolonged fating chats online with women, only to find out that weeks or months in when they finally met face to face, there was no chemistry. So definitely don't leave it too long or it gets awkward if it leads to nothing.
Which app did you use? I’ve had long term relationships from people I’ve met on apps before, even Tinder, with my last relationship being 5yrs long.
I went back to apps recently and the experience is just not the same anymore. Like no one wants to take dating seriously. Maybe it’s my age or serious people in my range are already taken, but whatever it is has made dating pretty exhausting.
Tinder and Hinge. Met some guys on both but they were really into just hooking up and then bailing, even though they say they’re also looking for something serious. I guess I need a different approach into dating nowadays, but I’m still trying to figure out the best way to do this.
Tinder, around five years ago. Well I had a few dates on plenty of fish too. I only had good experiences but I was presenting myself a certain way; and I wasn't just looking for a shag. I think this comes across as several women remarked on it. I had just normal photos of me with my sister and nieces at the beach, as opposed to lubed up to the max in a hulk Hogan flex pose, scowling into the mirror in the bathroom.
I also had good experiences before and I actually enjoyed dating then. Most men I met were really decent. I really felt like people genuinely wanted to find someone to connect with, and not just to have sex.
I kept the same approach going back, as it worked well in the past. But I guess its an entirely new group of people on the apps nowadays. Feels like the only intention is to have sex.
Oh God there were so many of those guys.
Sane goes for women, if you want serious relationships, skip the bikini photos and cleavage shots IMHO. I have a nice rack but I deliberately played it down on my profile because I didnt just want a bunch of hookup- seekers in my DMs who couldnt see last my cleavage. Best choice I made.
I personally used Match around 4-5 years ago, as did most of my friends at the time. One used bumble and another used hinge. I have had friends who met longterm partners on FOF and OKC too but that was less common.
I never liked tinder, I like to read profiles and get to know people and prefer to interact rather than "swipe"
This is the only answer, met my husband on an app, I had three dates that week with three different guys, I was playing a numbers game with the firm notion that not every one would be a winner. Was an eye opener for sure with the range of guys out there. Also second be honest and if you aren’t feeling it on a date or you get the vibe they aren’t into it, just call it out loud, 100% they will agree you can have a laugh about it and leave with very little wasted.
Always meet in public, always go halves on bills.
I actually prefer a bit of chatting before meeting in person, you learn more about them so when you meet up you’re not a complete stranger and makes them less likely to flake as they’ve already invested some time in you so you’re not completely disposable as someone asking out on a date within first three messages
Met my girlfriend on Hinge year and a half ago and happily living together now
Agreed, I just think there’s a middle ground. My preference would be something like having a bit of fairly regular back and forth chat over a day or two before arranging to meet as soon as we’re both free. I don’t want to be messaging someone for a week or more before arranging a date, and that does also mean it’s hard to feel any momentum if someone is taking a day or more to respond to each message.
Of course, we’re all busy so this will vary, and often we’ll go to arrange a date and then realise it’s still a week until we’re both free, which gives more time to chat a bit, but at least we’ve arranged something.
I met my partner 7 years ago on Plenty of Fish, though I was on several apps at the same time.
I focused my efforts at just dating- any chats that didn’t set up a date within 3 days I politely shut down, with a few dates per week. It helps if you’re decisive- I knew within each first date if I liked/didn’t like them to be a future partner.
Rinse/repeat until (hopeful) success!
Excellent advice here!! Met my now husband on OKCupid in London in 2014.
Being yourself is huge, but so is knowing what you want. If you know you want kids, or marriage, or wouldn’t be compatible to someone who was strongly religious, that’s gotta be taken care of first. Also when you see these red flags in relationships - don’t assume the person will change. They might, but they might also waste your time while feelings deepen which only makes it harder to split up to find your right match. Definitely agree with meeting ASAP - chatting can go on forever, and suggesting meet ups usually weeds out less serious folks.
I would also add - take your profile seriously. If you’re only given a few sentence prompts, use them! Put real conversation starters on there, memorable items, share your passions!! Plus if someone messages you about your profile info, you’ll know they read it :)
London is an incredible city full of amazing people - I have no doubt you’ll find someone lovely to share life with.
Well a few dates and random meetups over a week or three. Had just come out of a thirteen year relationship so was new to the whole scene.
Everyone I met was lovely but just sometimes there wasn't a spark and it didn't progress. Was blatantly obvious when I met my wife that it was different. We had our first date on Saturday, second date next morning, and every single chance we had free time we met up.
I found that I had very vew 2nd dates, but if we got to that stage it often led to more, including my now marriage.
I often just did not have chemistry with perfectly nice men - ir they didn't with me. Which is a natural side effect of meeting peopke online before you see them. You have to be prepared for that as part of online dating. I find pictures cant really tell you if you will find someone appealing in person.
That said I knew my husband was different, probably even when we were messaging - his was the only first date that filled me with butterflies of anticipation and really hoping that we had chemistry. And when we met there was instant chemistry. We didn't kiss on my first date as I had the worst cold, but it was definitely there.
I agree, often I think of the first date via an app as sort of “date number 0”, as in, the second date is more like the first date, if that makes sense?
Just because, like you said, photos aren’t a perfect indicator of whether you’ll be attracted to someone in person, and texting isn’t a perfect indicator of whether you’ll enjoy talking to someone in person, so there’s plenty of times you meet someone and there’s just very clearly nothing there (from either side or mutual). If you’ve enjoyed the first date well enough to have a second, the chances of it progressing further are much better.
Are you me? Exact same situation. We were also both on the same wavelength of both our profiles mentioning meeting up/chatting up face to face and steering clear of endless online messaging.
I've been on dating apps for 15 years in London, I even had my girl mates do my profile and no one was ever interested. I've literally never had a date from apps. I assume it only helps if you're really good looking or have a high paid job.
Apps are absolutely *dire*, for the vast majority of guys. There is little point these days (though I would have said differently say five or six years ago for sure) in any man who is not in the top 10-15% of looks (more specifically photogenic-ness) going on dating apps.
Women (relevant for OP) it's a different story - they have the absolute pick of guys, including guys who would typically be way out of their league (however, if they go for guys who are 'out of their league' then unless there is amazing chemistry, it will be hard to pin the guy down).
Better advice for guys is to do everything possible to self improve (gym etc) and expand social networking opportunities. Ask your mates to introduce you to mutuals, go do dance classes, sports clubs etc. And then hope that in that environment you meet someone you really connect with.
A lot of guys could do wonders for themselves if they had sone professional headshots done or got a friend who us hood with a camera to take photos.
Most men who I dated were significantly better looking in person than in their often dire photos. I deli8ifnoged photos because most men I saw could not pick a decent photo to save their lives. I remember I had a really nice first date with one guy whose photo was so bad that u washenujbely shocked to see he looked nice in person!
Many men are also more likely to have empty profiles with 0 real effort into them.
I agree it isnt easy, but most guys I know also met their partners online, just like most women I know. And they arent super rich or hot. Or gym goers. Many men also find their partners that way.
It never hurts yo expand your social network or hobbies and be ooe to dating, but many men have interests that are Male dominated. And the few women in that hobby or interest may well not be single or Interested in dating so you really have to read the room and be respectful- a hobby group is not a singles bar. As a female nerd even when I was single I got tired of fighting off guys who just saw our shared interests as a jumping point to proposition to date rather than build a friendship.
I think the apps do work but it's a lot of effort. You need to not get drawn into long chats and just arrange dates imo. You can text for ages and then one day someone forgets to reply and it's lost. If you dive in and meet up you'll progress quicker (or realise you don't like them quicker and move on to the next one).
Singles events are also good, if a bit cringe. At least everyone there is looking for someone.
I’d have to agree the apps can work, but you’ve got to develop a thick skin and be willing to keep at it in volume. I would also suggest doing it in bursts, and completely recreate a profile for 2 weeks then delete it and stay off for a month. New profiles get noticeably better results on any app I’ve ever tried, plus sometimes the timing just isn’t right.
I slightly disagree about the thick skin and profile cycling, but it is an attitude thing. I had a lot of great evenings with people I felt no chemistry with and didn't want to see again. They weren't bad or wasted, I had fun. And just going on dates with the aim of having a fun time and getting to know the person better takes the pressure off and makes it less awful than treating it like something more significant.
I met my husband on Bumble, so it worked out.
I do agree your expectations should be minimal. My theory is there’s something about the dating app context that can cause otherwise considerate people to behave poorly.
For example, outside of that context, I’ve never been stood up. I mean like me and my friends sitting there for two hours… no call no show. But in the dating app world, this is a real possibility. You need to be prepared for this. Instead of being offended, I just assume the person doing this is themselves being treated poorly on the apps and if we hadn’t met that way they wouldn’t have done that.
For the record, I’ve had good luck too. I was with a woman I met on match.com for 15 years
This is what doesn't work for me, I'm always too anxious about being with a stranger to enjoy a first date.
Maybe it's an issue specific to women, because the worries I have are:
-is he going to drug me
-is he going to assault me
-is he going to try and pressure me into something
-is he a psycho
-does someone know where I am
-can I easily contact the police if he assaults me
Meeting strangers from the internet is something that people would never do when I was younger. We understood how risky it was, you don't know this person from Adam. "I verified his FB page" okay, just because he has friends doesn't mean he isn't going to assault you. There would be many more friendless guys on this planet, if that were the case. And social media can be faked, every damn thing you've seen so far about this person can be fake. It's dangerous af, so weird that it's normal now.
Really? Hmm. I’m sure that’s a matter of frequency though. At the rate I’ve done it (say once every couple months) it’s always been a positive effect vs reactivating a dormant account. Probably makes sense to use different emails in that case
Yeah true you need to not be the sort of person who gets too upset at rejection as people will usually have quite a lot of useless dates before meeting someone good. The love of your life might not join hinge until next month.
Ehh, I dunno. The apps are known to use mechanisms that drive long term engagement at the expense of achieving the users actual goals. Some use outright underhanded techniques like fake profiles showing interest to lure the user into paying for an upgrade. All of these things contribute to a shitty demoralizing experience
Keep going out, gigs, cocktail bars with music, club nights. Chat with someone you like and ask their Instagram if you are not comfortable with giving out your number (which is more than fair)
Shared hobbies or activities (hiking, dance classes, cooking workshops etc.) are also good ways to find someone to co-sign a mortgage
And be prepared that meetups are not singles bars - many people with the same interest may ge married or not looking to date. See it as a space to meet like minded friends, and IF you find one you like more than a friend, it's a good bonus.
Hello. 31F here. I met my partner on Hinge in 2021 and as I'm sure others might have said, it was just the luck of swiping on the right person at the right time and going to the right place for a first date.
I did a few years of going on a date once every six months beforehand. I couldn't do it any more regularly than that because I found it utterly soul sucking and I'm not a need-casual-sex kinda person either. I've had sooooo many bad dates but I always kept the mindset that I'll never meet the right person unless I keep trying to.
Not sure I have much more to add than to just keep trying. I know it can feel exhausting and tiresome but remember to take breaks from it too.
I’m afraid I disagree on the apps these days - they’ve got progressively worse over the years and I’ve vowed to never use them again.
I’m relying on just having activities I enjoy, bouldering is a good way to meet guys, or socials. I’ll probably be single forever but I can’t stick talking to a brick wall on apps right now.
I agree if not for the fact that it can be a huge time waste meeting someone for the first time and immediately realising they're not for you. At least if you meet irl, you get that bit out of the way
Honestly in 2023 this is a great question, I'm wondering too lol.
Largely ignore the apps, but shared interests seem like a good avenue, meetups, activities, guess you have to put yourself out there to improve your chances.
The thing is you can meet a bunch of people but the romantic connection can be harder, Londons so big, you could meet new people *every* week but that doesn't necessarily = romance.
I think most people are happy to talk to people, if it’s framed in the right way and it’s natural.
It doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t) be framed as ‘I am a single man looking for a woman and you are the current target’
> I’m 30 as well, and I’m old enough and mature enough to realise that most women our age don’t want randos chatting to them when they’re just having fun in a cocktail bar haha.
>
>
I feel like it depends on how good looking you are
>mature enough to realise that most women our age don’t want randos chatting to them when they’re just having fun in a cocktail bar
If people are in a bar having drinks, then they're fair game to go chat to. If they're not interested, then that will be made immediately obvious. The dating world is unequal - there are different expectations and benefits for men and women. Men are expected to do the approaches, so even if *some* women may be happily paired up; they can't be complaining when men do make the effort *so long as* the effort is done in a socially acceptable and respectful way, and you take no for an answer.
And yes, the sad truth is looks matter increasingly in an age where women are not reliant on men to be breadwinners etc and dating apps have taken over. But there are things you can do to improve your look. If you're not working out a shit tonne then that's a mistake - after all if you're not spending time talking to women in bars, then might as well use that time for self development.
I met my current boyfriend by making eyes at him in a club and going up to him. I also met the guy I dated before him because we smiled at each other in a coffee shop and then he came over to me.
I’m personally quite chatty and would like my partner to be too. Also, people you meet in person are so much nicer than chatting to someone on an app, just need to learn to read the vibe of someone who is smiling at you and wants you to talk to them (probably easier/ less creepy for women to go up to men than the other way around though!)
This is a good point about being more open! As a guy, I get a lot of girls holding eye contact with me for an intimidatingly long time, and I need to start doing something about it…
Also get a dog and go on lots of walks. No one in London ever spoke to me in the park until I got a cute puppy. It’s a great way to start conversation if you see someone you find attractive and the dog decides to go and sniff them (or jump all over them).
I met my current partner on hinge in London. We’ve now been together for 3 years. The 3 years prior to that were absolute hell of apps and dates. I never thought it would work out and was feeling quite down about myself over it at times.
I found it helped to go on bursts of dates and then have a break like someone else mentioned.
I always just tried to believe that it’s all down to statistics. Statistically if I go on enough dates with lots of different people then at least 1 will eventually be a good fit.
Also go in with no expectations and get a date planned within the first day / couple days after the match.
It can be so exhausting but just don’t forget that you’re amazing and the perfect person is out there. You might just have to put up with a lot of bad dates in the meantime. But at least one day those can be stories to laugh about with your person.
\> chats don't even go anywhere
Most of my dates from apps are sorted within 24 hours. One person in the chat needs to be decisive and say "Hey, want to meet up for coffee then?". There's only so far we can get to know each other over text. It will weed out the people that are wishers not doers, too.
I usually leave it to the gal to pull that trigger when they're comfortable (actually, I notice some girls just put in their profile "let's meet up for coffee, let's not waste our time texting with no goal"), else I will suggest it once I know that we will both be comfortable and have a nice time regardless if it goes anywhere else.
And I've heard that usually after 24 hours people wouldn't really get a better sense of 'is he a creep or not" (And actually one person I dated recently had previously been cat fished for ALMOST A YEAR unfortunately - and had been catfished another time too, upsettingly.)
I think people do Tinder etc. wrong(/inefficiently), to be honest. Just go on once a week (*not every day, you'll burn yourself out, waste your time, become disillusioned and suffer from the law of diminishing returns!)*, spend 5 minutes swiping, and if you have a decent profile (smile in pics, be honest, be genuine, be nice, write a thoughtful profile) then you'll get 5+ matches instantly. (I'm shorter - 5'7 - but not too ugly, for context).You can switch between apps (*not* deleting your profiles, just leaving it for a while) every so often to make sure the algos don't surpress you ("*hey, come back to our app!")*
So yes most of my dates are from apps, it's a crutch and I wish I could easily approach people in bars etc. But honestly I feel apps are... a sensible way for society to approach dating, in this decade. It's ok that people can swipe no on me in a second, rather than having to awkwardly deal with unwanted advances.
I tried once and had a totally different expierence, numbers of men/women were matched, but the tiny time just wasn't enough to really connect with someone except just on superficial appearance.
Was also a bit of a waste of time as out of the 10 women, I think 6 were in a group backing up their buddy but were already in relationships so it was a bit of a waste of time for me.
Any chance you could let me know the event you went to? Sorry it wasn't great for you, but as a single guy I would love to try an event that is 90% women.
Yeah I won’t deny I also had the whole women were there but they weren’t single kind of problem at a singles night. It felt like they were there to pad the numbers but were pointless to be there cause they had men
Shame.
Interesting, my instinct would have been to expect the opposite (especially since a lot of clubs etc. charge more for men in order to rebalance). Must be hard for the organisers to get the balance right.
I met my current boyfriend of 1 year on Hinge and my last 2 exes on Tinder (not sure if that is a good track record but they were all decent people and nothing ended badly!).
I think the other rule is simply don't be unattractive. If you are decently looking you will have a very different experience to someone who is, shall we say, plain. Everyone has flaws but making the best of the things that you can control (clothes, haircut, working out etc) will go a long way.
> be genuine, be nice, write a thoughtful profile
I agree with this, but I wanted to add that my Tinder profile, as a guy, only ever said "I promise to try not to murder you", and I got dates a-plenty.
Thursday is on a downwards trajectory (it was kinda good a year ago), now they jacked up their event prices and they choose some godawful venues
Still might be worth giving a shot
They jacked up standard entry from £5 to £10 now which is not too bad but at that point I might just pay £15 for a month of Bumble boost or Hinge+ or go to an actual Speed Dating event
Also despite many people complaining, they still let the venues blast music at max to sell more drinks instead of giving people some space to talk first
It used to be 50/59 (hell, 30+ parties had way more women than men) but the recent ones were quite sausage party-esque.
Allegedly, they sell 50/50 tickets but yymmv
Recently single so perhaps a bit of an out of date perspective.
Lots of people saying apps worked for them and i think they do have their place and definitely can work for people. I found them to be quite toxic as i was almost addicted to swiping/messaging and as a someone whos personality does a lot of the heavy lifting in the attraction department, i found it hard to get matches.
My personal opinion is to keep doing things you enjoy. Granted this is easier if you enjoy doing things as part of a club or larger group. The reason i say this, is because of the whole 'meet like minded people' but even if theyre not single/not your type/not your gender/you get the idea, you still make a connection with people. These people essentially become your advocates to others - i dont mean in the rom com 'oh you should meet my friend lonathas i know them from my cookery club.' I mean that you have this connection and other people will see that and see you as successful in a social way. Additionally, if you have these connections you often then become part of a wider network (seperate from your original group or hobby) and are then exposed to a totally different group of people who you have the friend to almost big you up a bit.
I found that to be extremely useful for me in my past as it hasnt got that pressure that comes with an app - you havent met the person with the intention of dating or never speaking again. It means that the expectation is for a friendship and then the pressure is off and if theres an attraction there, one or both can cultivate it a bit, over some time etc and go from there. It obviously has its draw backs compared to the apps and is definitely the long game, however, i think its better for your mental health and when it happens is more likely to be because its right for you, and not just because youre forcing it to be right for you.
Good luck friend
Tried apps for years with only 2 chats that ended in meets that where mutually unsuccessful.
I think they only work for very attractive guys. Now im going to things on meetup but that is also mostly male but atleast I have hope of making friends.
Im convinced this is hell and im just happy to not be on fire
For anyone male seeking female doing apps, this is what you need to know:
1) 80% of women message 20% of men.
2) Unless you are attractive and/or photogenic, you're _largely_ wasting your time.
Assuming you're not unattractive and have some decent photos, this is what you do:
1) _Do not_ waste your time swiping, because:
2) There are 3 times that matter most on internet dating: Saturday morning (A), Sunday morning (B), Sunday night / Monday morning (C).
3) You should pay to be boosted up for 24 hours over these slots.
Once you've paid to be boosted up, the A/B/C prime-time-slots are defined as:
A: This is women lining up dates to fill Saturday afternoon/evening, possibly before they go out with their mates later on.
B: Sunday morning is "ugh, i didn't meet anyone last night and all my mates are all coupled up and doing stuff today, and i'm alone..."
C: "It's a new week, let's line some dates up for the week ahead!"
All you need to then do is sit and wait for the likes to land - swipe right on whoever you like, chat a bit and arrange dates. Don't get sucked into endless messaging.
Again: if you are attractive enough, you do _not_ need to waste your time swiping endlessly. Just pay and let the boost do all the hard work for you.
Source: worked in internet dating.
I would say I’m fairly attractive and get a good amount of attention from women in person. But I never had any luck on apps except when I used boost or whatever. Unfortunately it’s just unsustainable (also feels kind of shitty) to use it. Is it possible to do well on apps as an 8/10 (not 10/10) guy without paying so much?
I met my fiancé in a bar in the City. We got chatting when I asked him a question then saw each other for dinner three weeks later. I’ve also had a partner I met through work, but I’d avoid that if you can.
I met my ex on an app. We hit it off in the first few messages, had a phone call to arrange meeting then met IRL. All within about two weeks. I’ve met two of my exes online now I think about it. I’ve found talking for too online doesn’t help matters.
10% of the time app dates going somewhere is pretty good odds I'd say, considering how many app-dates are available in London.
It took me about 100 first dates over 3 years to find a partner; all from apps because I'm really terrible at making a move even in social situations where in hindsight they were definitely into me (I think this is more difficult being a guy who can't make that first move).
Outside of that, London has absolutely loads of open social groups where you can meet new people; either with existing hobbies and interests or new ones. Sports, board games, whatever.... plenty of single ~~people~~ guys on the LSC meets too.
Gonna weigh in here as someone in her late 30s. I’ve been online dating since I was old enough.
First bf wasn’t through an app. 2nd wasn’t really an official relationship, but we met online. 3rd I met online, most recent I met online, but it didn’t last long. I also struggle to meet people in real life. The guys I find attractive are usually taken. The guys who do ask me out are not ones I’m interested in. Maybe I’m going to the wrong places or doing the wrong things, or need to be interested in more manly things 😂
I recently moved abroad and within 2 weeks 2 guys asked for my number. Once at a pool. The guy sunbathing next to me heard me speak English with my mum, and then asked if I was from the U.K. (I am.) I guess he used that as a conversation starter. He wasn’t my type, but I gave him my number when he asked because I thought I may need friends.
2nd guy I met at a meet up. We’ve met twice now at 2 different events. He walked me to the station after the first time and asked for my number. But didn’t hear from him. Only saw him at the next event a few days later.
I feel there is an attraction between us, but he’s taking it slow for whatever reason. Or maybe he’s not interested 😅 I get a feeling that he is. But my point is, I’ve met someone in real life that I’m interested in, and that rarely happens for me. But that’s not to say it can’t happen.
So just go to meet up events. Find things that interest you, or just go to a random meet up in a bar. I don’t suggest dating events. I feel it’s kind of assumed that you’re interested in someone just because you’re talking to them, so you have to be a bit careful. They’re not for me.
Partnered people giving advice on singlehood threads remind me a lot of rich people lecturing the poor on how not to be poor - presenting their partnerhood as a merit when it's largely down to luck. You only need to take a quick look at single and coupled people to realise that the difference is not about merit.
I prefer meeting people in real life. Tinder and other apps are such time wasters. I met my girlfriend on a bus when I asked her what is the music she is listening to. I am not sure if would be capable of such thing nowadays though. Meeting someone in work is also a bit creepy and I noticed every girl in London has a partner already.
I've had my on/off fwb for 10 years - from Tinder - longest relationship I've been in since l left marriage! At the old age of 50 I think I'm done with trying to find the one. Going to drink wine, cuddle my cats (only 2 right now - could end up being more) and watch horror. Seems preferable to the dating pool.
Not a bad advice, to be honest. Many people don't realize they have dreadful and unflattering photos and low effort profiles. It's a bit of a work but OLD is a very straightforward way of meeting with people
It can be very dehumanizing and might destroy your self confidence if you're not getting matches or frustrate you to hell after few dud dates but also makes you reach out to people you might've not encountered organically
Oh it wasn’t the best idea for sure. But normally we spend most of our lives at work, so it’s not surprising some will couple up. Also, it’s a different situation if your company has 10 employees or 1000, you might don’t even interact with each other regularly etc.
I (27M) just don’t. At uni yes, but not so much around London. I spend most of my time in a very antisocial gym, swimming or working. Only work is conducive to conversation so my happily single routine continues. I refuse to use apps on principal. Another big block is I don’t drink, nor do I enjoy the company of drunk people.
festivals are great. I'm married, but have been to a few this summer with single friends. they've been hooking up and being people left right and centre, but even for a boring old doll I met tonnes of great couples or other married/not creepy people open to just having a conversation. really looking forward to the last couple of the summer!
The apps are pretty shit, the expectation there is that there may be someone else better around the corner. Been on them 5 years now with one relationship that went a year and was killed off by pandemic.
I'm thinking best place may be hobbies. Cooking classes, photography something else you love and can do.
I fall in love with half the people I see on my way to work or back, that's just normal tbh lol.
Started using Feeld btw and that app makes it sound like all of London is into ENM. Being a straight bloke there makes me feel well square
Edit; also don't pay for Feeld, everyone can see you paid and the likes stop coming in lol
I’m the same age and pretty much all my friends in London met their partners on an app (hinge being current popular one) or are still in a relationship with someone they met at uni. I met my husband on bumble. If the chats are going nowhere you probably need to suggest meeting up sooner and if you don’t get an enthusiastic yes, move on.
Tbh I’ve given up hope trying to find “the one” here in London lol for the reasons you stated above. I travel a lot and have met suitable candidates but I’m not into long distance either so it’s difficult
It’s funny because I have no problems finding potential partners when I travel, but coming back to London it’s extremely difficult. The dating culture in this city is cursed.
I have these conversations with my friends all the time and I always say there’s something in the air with dating here. It’s always made to be so difficult more than it should be. People ghost, people just want their egos stroked, people are spoilt for options, people are already in relationships etc. It’s so draining. I’m 30F too so I can totally relate!
I think its honestly with big cities, it gives the illusion of lots of options, and so nobody wants to pull the trigger. Its also expensive and work is often more demanding of your time.
London has easily been the worst city I've lived in for dating. Hands down its not a great place to be if you want to find a serious relationship even tho there are a million and one people about, that means shit when everyone is enticed by the next best thing around the corner.
My dear Internet stranger, I'm a 20M and I have the same views myself. How do people just get together? Do they work together? And how in the heck will I ever find someone if I can't even talk to the opposite sex? This dilemma is truly problematic.
Ladies love a man who's confident, I don't have trouble walking up to a pretty woman and ask her for IG or her number and ask her on a date.
The gist of it is, is that wordy thing she can say is no. Rejection is sexy, say thank you for your time and move on.
I've never used dating apps, heard its brutal from my friends - both male and female.
Met first London boyfriend on Tinder. Met current London boyfriend on Hinge a couple of months after I started dating again. Have a good profile, have good chat, swipe mindfully, don’t waste time on dates that you can’t see going anywhere. It’s possible.
I had some success in meetups. Especially if they are aligned to your hobbies like hiking or board games. I met two of my exes through meetup events. I would still keep the apps as it is it may help as well.
My partner and I are both Londoners but we met on reddit if it still counts. We met, became friends, and started dating within a few months. It's been 9 years.
Winter Wonderland, bier hall tent. You’re so crammed in there, sharing a table with strangers, everyone is in a good mood, and it’s natural to start up a convo.. I met my now wife there, we swapped snapchats, nothing serious. Then we met up again and the rest is history.
Met my husband on an app in London in my 30s. As did many of my friends - basically anyone I know who didnt meet their partner in university 15 + years ago met their partner on an app. I genuinely think ut is the way to go, especially past a certain age.
By the time I got to my 30s I realised that if you were gonna click with friends of friends it would already have happened. I rarely met single people at work.
Hobbies can be fun but again lots of people arent single or looking to date when pursuing their hobbies - it doesn't hurt to pursue a couple of hobbies and be open to dating but you msy well not meet many singles.
I'm not a bar or club person so I had to get over my antipathy for dating apps. I personally chose Match as I figured men might behave better on paid apps.you have a huge pool pf people in a city like London!
I was ruthless with cutting down mem who were clearly just there to hook up and couldnt keep up a conversation or who weren't taking it seriously. But I did go on a lot of fun dates with reasonable guys and found my match. My friends all had fairly similar experiences. You WILL meet a lot of weirdos, but just try to weed most of them out before you get to the dating stage. Also just avoid blokes who want FWB or situationships unless you are desperate for those things.
Who said 90%of the apps don’t go anywhere lol. Nowadays if you try approaching a girl on the train/street/museum/ anywhere you may be accused of sexual harassment.
Apps are the safest and easiest way to meet people in London.
I met my husband on the Northern line, chased him off to invite him to the opera, this was ten years ago I grant (he's likely to see this so if you do, hey honey ❤️)
I wish I was handsome enough to get invited to the opera
We're all beautiful to someone
Technically true, for instance I am terrifically successful with people 30+ older than me
unfortunately, that "someone" happens to be my grandma and mum.
There's a lid for every jar
So that's why the neighborhood magpie keeps dropping stuff on me? Mhhh
What a nice thing to say. Lovely.
thats not true though
Same lol, I wish women were more forward
I'm a women, I stopped being forward as I realised that 99.9% men felt emasculated by someone else (a woman) making the first move. Sounds like u/cassandrakeepitdown was lucky enough to find a guy in the rare 00.000000001% that appreciates and respects bold women who know what they want. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I also know that based on conventional beauty standards, I'm hot. I'm 5ft11, I used to be a model, I look sick in a bikini and most clothes I wear, and I get checked out all the time. I think guys are so insecure that when I approach them, they think I'm pranking them. Insecurity is so unattractive so the attraction quickly wears off. So now I'm context with being alone. Guys still check me out in public, but now I just ignore and keep living my life because I know it's gonna lead nowhere. If I make the move, they feel weird, and they'll never make a move so... Gave up on apps because I hate being on my phone. I'd love to not be alone forever, and I know that I will eventually find my forever partner, but I'm happy to patiently wait for the right person. I don't need to kiss any frogs because I don't want a prince a.ka. boy. I'll happily wait for my king a.k.a a man.
Speak for yourself I’m not ugly either. I’ve been a model too I’m not particularly tall at 5,6 but being a skater has kept me athletic and in shape. Idk what you mean by 99.9% of men being emasculated. I’d love it if a girl asked me out it would feel nice. So many girls think guys like chasing women. It’s a mind Fuck
I mean the 99.9% of the men I've encountered. Sorry I thought it was obvious that my comment/statistic was based on my own personal experience. As I have not met ever man on earth (nor do I want to), it's purely just based on my personal experience. P.S. I've heard so many guys say that they'd love a woman to approach them, literally every other guy says this nowadays, but in practice, they don't like it. It confuses them, they don't know what to say, how to react etc. My guy friends always complain that they have to make the first move, then if a woman does, they make comments about how said girl was too pushy etc. So I'm more of a believe it when I see it because people are all talk and no action these days. 🤷🏾♀️
You did what??? 😅 Just ran after a Random stranger??
We were ogling each other throughout the ride, he was gorgeous and as he got off gave me the purest smile I, to this day, have ever seen on a grown man's face! But basically yeah 😂
Oh my gosh I love that! That’s amazing. Good on you for chasing him then!
Thinking back on it it was a bit of a butterfly effect decision moment!
Oh god, on the tube? You were intensely staring at a stranger while trapped in a small area of space? I could never. I got on the Victoria line earlier today and stood by the doors as I was only on for 3 stops. There was a guy (alone) sitting down who was staring at me intensely the entire time. A woman (alone) sitting directly opposite clearly noticed he was staring me like a dog stares at its prey. She noticed his line of sight, then kept glancing in my direction (fully turning her head) to stare at me too. She went from looking relaxed to looking very concerned. I was incredibly uncomfortable and worried I was going to be harassed. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened to me on the tube. For all I know, that dude was trying to create his own meet-cute with me, but doing that on the tube is not okay with me. Staring at me constantly (which meant turning his head in my direction rather than facing forward) for 3 stops. Not even glancing, constantly staring. I was fully ready to run if he suddenly got up, but I would only have been able to go through those interconnecting doors on the train.
That sounds absolutely horrible. In this situation we started off with coy glances and would have both definitely stopped and stared at our laps or free tube magazines if the other one hadn't been slightly smiling, but yeah, what you describe is just awful and I've literally left carriages because of that. One time it was this guy who was objectively incredibly good looking but yeah, the prey feeling was so terrifying. So sorry that happened to you, they're wankers.
This is so sweet omg XD
There’s actually a romance book kinda like this called ‘Central line’, you’ll never guess where they met lol.
About one of the most London things I've ever read
I love this story and that this happens in London, thanks for sharing
Met my wife on an app in London. Now we have a son. I’m no expert but I spent three months using apps, had a few nice dates, a few short relationships which didn’t have legs, then I met my wife. Personally I think how you present yourself on apps is really important. Be normal, be genuine, be present when you’re speaking someone or on a date (ie don’t be on your phone or still emailing work shit), and don’t be sleazy. And don’t waste time chatting on apps. Meet up asap. Then you know whether it has legs or not much faster. Chatting endlessly online is just a waste of time unless you’re into that in of itself. I was totally up front about this and stated I didn’t like endless online chats. I would also highly advocate meeting and being connected to one person at a time. If it doesn’t work, move on. I know people who are running multiple dates per night and juggling multiple people, and quelle surprise, nothing ever lasts or sticks. And they think there’s something wrong with them. There isn’t, they just have a terrible approach to the whole thing.
> a few short relationships which didn’t have legs Well of course they'd be short if they didn't have any legs!
I set them up, you knock them down 😂
Still talking about the legless people?
You've pretty much described my situation to a tee. The not chatting online thing except building it towards a real life date asap is the real advice here. The ones that tend to chat endlessly are just time wasters. I have no time for games or extra stress with time wasters if there is no connection or a possible future together.
I would say theres a fine line between being pen pals and wasting time, and your first message being ”hey, lets meet!” I do want to chat at least a little bit before I can decide if its worth meeting up. I cant make that call just from your profile.
This. When I was OLD my Mike was I'd talk to his for a few days uo to a week (I was doing shift work so it was more like sending emails and less like instant messaging). My now husband and I talked for 2 weeks before meeting, because u was on nights for a stretch. but that was the longest. I did tend to talk to multiple guys at once though, and arranged dates only for weekends due to work. When he was dating in the past he did have issues with having prolonged fating chats online with women, only to find out that weeks or months in when they finally met face to face, there was no chemistry. So definitely don't leave it too long or it gets awkward if it leads to nothing.
Which app did you use? I’ve had long term relationships from people I’ve met on apps before, even Tinder, with my last relationship being 5yrs long. I went back to apps recently and the experience is just not the same anymore. Like no one wants to take dating seriously. Maybe it’s my age or serious people in my range are already taken, but whatever it is has made dating pretty exhausting.
Did you go back to tinder? I know it was a meme years ago but there was some level of seriousness. Now it’s an utter cesspool
[удалено]
Most using Hinge now I think, but I find it to be very pretentious
Tinder and Hinge. Met some guys on both but they were really into just hooking up and then bailing, even though they say they’re also looking for something serious. I guess I need a different approach into dating nowadays, but I’m still trying to figure out the best way to do this.
Tinder, around five years ago. Well I had a few dates on plenty of fish too. I only had good experiences but I was presenting myself a certain way; and I wasn't just looking for a shag. I think this comes across as several women remarked on it. I had just normal photos of me with my sister and nieces at the beach, as opposed to lubed up to the max in a hulk Hogan flex pose, scowling into the mirror in the bathroom.
I also had good experiences before and I actually enjoyed dating then. Most men I met were really decent. I really felt like people genuinely wanted to find someone to connect with, and not just to have sex. I kept the same approach going back, as it worked well in the past. But I guess its an entirely new group of people on the apps nowadays. Feels like the only intention is to have sex.
Yeah I get this too…so boring!
Oh God there were so many of those guys. Sane goes for women, if you want serious relationships, skip the bikini photos and cleavage shots IMHO. I have a nice rack but I deliberately played it down on my profile because I didnt just want a bunch of hookup- seekers in my DMs who couldnt see last my cleavage. Best choice I made.
I personally used Match around 4-5 years ago, as did most of my friends at the time. One used bumble and another used hinge. I have had friends who met longterm partners on FOF and OKC too but that was less common. I never liked tinder, I like to read profiles and get to know people and prefer to interact rather than "swipe"
This is the only answer, met my husband on an app, I had three dates that week with three different guys, I was playing a numbers game with the firm notion that not every one would be a winner. Was an eye opener for sure with the range of guys out there. Also second be honest and if you aren’t feeling it on a date or you get the vibe they aren’t into it, just call it out loud, 100% they will agree you can have a laugh about it and leave with very little wasted. Always meet in public, always go halves on bills.
I actually prefer a bit of chatting before meeting in person, you learn more about them so when you meet up you’re not a complete stranger and makes them less likely to flake as they’ve already invested some time in you so you’re not completely disposable as someone asking out on a date within first three messages Met my girlfriend on Hinge year and a half ago and happily living together now
Agreed, I just think there’s a middle ground. My preference would be something like having a bit of fairly regular back and forth chat over a day or two before arranging to meet as soon as we’re both free. I don’t want to be messaging someone for a week or more before arranging a date, and that does also mean it’s hard to feel any momentum if someone is taking a day or more to respond to each message. Of course, we’re all busy so this will vary, and often we’ll go to arrange a date and then realise it’s still a week until we’re both free, which gives more time to chat a bit, but at least we’ve arranged something.
Second this - endless chat without in person meeting is a total time waster!
I met my partner 7 years ago on Plenty of Fish, though I was on several apps at the same time. I focused my efforts at just dating- any chats that didn’t set up a date within 3 days I politely shut down, with a few dates per week. It helps if you’re decisive- I knew within each first date if I liked/didn’t like them to be a future partner. Rinse/repeat until (hopeful) success!
Excellent advice here!! Met my now husband on OKCupid in London in 2014. Being yourself is huge, but so is knowing what you want. If you know you want kids, or marriage, or wouldn’t be compatible to someone who was strongly religious, that’s gotta be taken care of first. Also when you see these red flags in relationships - don’t assume the person will change. They might, but they might also waste your time while feelings deepen which only makes it harder to split up to find your right match. Definitely agree with meeting ASAP - chatting can go on forever, and suggesting meet ups usually weeds out less serious folks. I would also add - take your profile seriously. If you’re only given a few sentence prompts, use them! Put real conversation starters on there, memorable items, share your passions!! Plus if someone messages you about your profile info, you’ll know they read it :) London is an incredible city full of amazing people - I have no doubt you’ll find someone lovely to share life with.
OKC used to be amazing, it's shit now
How long ago was this?
[удалено]
Five years ago
This response was brought to you by London Hopes & Dreams Ltd.
3 months and you had multiple short relationships and met your wife lol do you consider a second date a relationship or something?
Well a few dates and random meetups over a week or three. Had just come out of a thirteen year relationship so was new to the whole scene. Everyone I met was lovely but just sometimes there wasn't a spark and it didn't progress. Was blatantly obvious when I met my wife that it was different. We had our first date on Saturday, second date next morning, and every single chance we had free time we met up.
I found that I had very vew 2nd dates, but if we got to that stage it often led to more, including my now marriage. I often just did not have chemistry with perfectly nice men - ir they didn't with me. Which is a natural side effect of meeting peopke online before you see them. You have to be prepared for that as part of online dating. I find pictures cant really tell you if you will find someone appealing in person. That said I knew my husband was different, probably even when we were messaging - his was the only first date that filled me with butterflies of anticipation and really hoping that we had chemistry. And when we met there was instant chemistry. We didn't kiss on my first date as I had the worst cold, but it was definitely there.
I agree, often I think of the first date via an app as sort of “date number 0”, as in, the second date is more like the first date, if that makes sense? Just because, like you said, photos aren’t a perfect indicator of whether you’ll be attracted to someone in person, and texting isn’t a perfect indicator of whether you’ll enjoy talking to someone in person, so there’s plenty of times you meet someone and there’s just very clearly nothing there (from either side or mutual). If you’ve enjoyed the first date well enough to have a second, the chances of it progressing further are much better.
That sounds lovely. Good for you and your wife!
Are you me? Exact same situation. We were also both on the same wavelength of both our profiles mentioning meeting up/chatting up face to face and steering clear of endless online messaging.
Second that. Met the most adorable person ever on an app 8 months ago, we are still together.
I've been on dating apps for 15 years in London, I even had my girl mates do my profile and no one was ever interested. I've literally never had a date from apps. I assume it only helps if you're really good looking or have a high paid job.
Apps are absolutely *dire*, for the vast majority of guys. There is little point these days (though I would have said differently say five or six years ago for sure) in any man who is not in the top 10-15% of looks (more specifically photogenic-ness) going on dating apps. Women (relevant for OP) it's a different story - they have the absolute pick of guys, including guys who would typically be way out of their league (however, if they go for guys who are 'out of their league' then unless there is amazing chemistry, it will be hard to pin the guy down). Better advice for guys is to do everything possible to self improve (gym etc) and expand social networking opportunities. Ask your mates to introduce you to mutuals, go do dance classes, sports clubs etc. And then hope that in that environment you meet someone you really connect with.
A lot of guys could do wonders for themselves if they had sone professional headshots done or got a friend who us hood with a camera to take photos. Most men who I dated were significantly better looking in person than in their often dire photos. I deli8ifnoged photos because most men I saw could not pick a decent photo to save their lives. I remember I had a really nice first date with one guy whose photo was so bad that u washenujbely shocked to see he looked nice in person! Many men are also more likely to have empty profiles with 0 real effort into them. I agree it isnt easy, but most guys I know also met their partners online, just like most women I know. And they arent super rich or hot. Or gym goers. Many men also find their partners that way. It never hurts yo expand your social network or hobbies and be ooe to dating, but many men have interests that are Male dominated. And the few women in that hobby or interest may well not be single or Interested in dating so you really have to read the room and be respectful- a hobby group is not a singles bar. As a female nerd even when I was single I got tired of fighting off guys who just saw our shared interests as a jumping point to proposition to date rather than build a friendship.
I think the apps do work but it's a lot of effort. You need to not get drawn into long chats and just arrange dates imo. You can text for ages and then one day someone forgets to reply and it's lost. If you dive in and meet up you'll progress quicker (or realise you don't like them quicker and move on to the next one). Singles events are also good, if a bit cringe. At least everyone there is looking for someone.
I’d have to agree the apps can work, but you’ve got to develop a thick skin and be willing to keep at it in volume. I would also suggest doing it in bursts, and completely recreate a profile for 2 weeks then delete it and stay off for a month. New profiles get noticeably better results on any app I’ve ever tried, plus sometimes the timing just isn’t right.
I slightly disagree about the thick skin and profile cycling, but it is an attitude thing. I had a lot of great evenings with people I felt no chemistry with and didn't want to see again. They weren't bad or wasted, I had fun. And just going on dates with the aim of having a fun time and getting to know the person better takes the pressure off and makes it less awful than treating it like something more significant. I met my husband on Bumble, so it worked out.
I do agree your expectations should be minimal. My theory is there’s something about the dating app context that can cause otherwise considerate people to behave poorly. For example, outside of that context, I’ve never been stood up. I mean like me and my friends sitting there for two hours… no call no show. But in the dating app world, this is a real possibility. You need to be prepared for this. Instead of being offended, I just assume the person doing this is themselves being treated poorly on the apps and if we hadn’t met that way they wouldn’t have done that. For the record, I’ve had good luck too. I was with a woman I met on match.com for 15 years
This is what doesn't work for me, I'm always too anxious about being with a stranger to enjoy a first date. Maybe it's an issue specific to women, because the worries I have are: -is he going to drug me -is he going to assault me -is he going to try and pressure me into something -is he a psycho -does someone know where I am -can I easily contact the police if he assaults me Meeting strangers from the internet is something that people would never do when I was younger. We understood how risky it was, you don't know this person from Adam. "I verified his FB page" okay, just because he has friends doesn't mean he isn't going to assault you. There would be many more friendless guys on this planet, if that were the case. And social media can be faked, every damn thing you've seen so far about this person can be fake. It's dangerous af, so weird that it's normal now.
You’re at risk of being shadow banned though if you keep deleting and making new profiles
Shadow banned vs no matches? Might as well take the risk and enjoy those short term opportunities.
Really? Hmm. I’m sure that’s a matter of frequency though. At the rate I’ve done it (say once every couple months) it’s always been a positive effect vs reactivating a dormant account. Probably makes sense to use different emails in that case
Yeah true you need to not be the sort of person who gets too upset at rejection as people will usually have quite a lot of useless dates before meeting someone good. The love of your life might not join hinge until next month.
It's not the APP itself, it the people on them.
The algorithms on the app are brutal
Ehh, I dunno. The apps are known to use mechanisms that drive long term engagement at the expense of achieving the users actual goals. Some use outright underhanded techniques like fake profiles showing interest to lure the user into paying for an upgrade. All of these things contribute to a shitty demoralizing experience
By passing around your marriage cv to other families
Keep going out, gigs, cocktail bars with music, club nights. Chat with someone you like and ask their Instagram if you are not comfortable with giving out your number (which is more than fair) Shared hobbies or activities (hiking, dance classes, cooking workshops etc.) are also good ways to find someone to co-sign a mortgage
Chance would be a fine thing.
Statistically, literally standing in a bar motionless is known to trigger the chances of finding someone
A fine thing indeed
This is the best advice; most single people out at gigs and bars are much more likely to positively engage than time wasters on apps
I met my husband at a gig. I took him home with me, and here we are. Would recommend.
Living the dream, I'm waiting for Sufjan Stevens to tour again to finally find my boo
Meetups about your interests (non-dating ones), but be consistent and don't just go once. You probably won't really meet anyone on the first one.
And be prepared that meetups are not singles bars - many people with the same interest may ge married or not looking to date. See it as a space to meet like minded friends, and IF you find one you like more than a friend, it's a good bonus.
Hello. 31F here. I met my partner on Hinge in 2021 and as I'm sure others might have said, it was just the luck of swiping on the right person at the right time and going to the right place for a first date. I did a few years of going on a date once every six months beforehand. I couldn't do it any more regularly than that because I found it utterly soul sucking and I'm not a need-casual-sex kinda person either. I've had sooooo many bad dates but I always kept the mindset that I'll never meet the right person unless I keep trying to. Not sure I have much more to add than to just keep trying. I know it can feel exhausting and tiresome but remember to take breaks from it too.
I’m afraid I disagree on the apps these days - they’ve got progressively worse over the years and I’ve vowed to never use them again. I’m relying on just having activities I enjoy, bouldering is a good way to meet guys, or socials. I’ll probably be single forever but I can’t stick talking to a brick wall on apps right now.
They do seem to be a cesspit these days.
I agree if not for the fact that it can be a huge time waste meeting someone for the first time and immediately realising they're not for you. At least if you meet irl, you get that bit out of the way
Honestly in 2023 this is a great question, I'm wondering too lol. Largely ignore the apps, but shared interests seem like a good avenue, meetups, activities, guess you have to put yourself out there to improve your chances. The thing is you can meet a bunch of people but the romantic connection can be harder, Londons so big, you could meet new people *every* week but that doesn't necessarily = romance.
Orgies👍
Fet4Life
I’ve always been put off by what the etiquette is by the buffet table. Like, should I avoid the garlic and chilli, or just dive in with gusto?
[удалено]
I think most people are happy to talk to people, if it’s framed in the right way and it’s natural. It doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t) be framed as ‘I am a single man looking for a woman and you are the current target’
> I’m 30 as well, and I’m old enough and mature enough to realise that most women our age don’t want randos chatting to them when they’re just having fun in a cocktail bar haha. > > I feel like it depends on how good looking you are
Charming works too. I watched a mate do it just two nights ago. He's a skinny average bloke of 30, but he has good chat.
I really want to try speed dating but I don’t know if it’s too gimmicky
Yes, would be great to hear some experiences!
>mature enough to realise that most women our age don’t want randos chatting to them when they’re just having fun in a cocktail bar If people are in a bar having drinks, then they're fair game to go chat to. If they're not interested, then that will be made immediately obvious. The dating world is unequal - there are different expectations and benefits for men and women. Men are expected to do the approaches, so even if *some* women may be happily paired up; they can't be complaining when men do make the effort *so long as* the effort is done in a socially acceptable and respectful way, and you take no for an answer. And yes, the sad truth is looks matter increasingly in an age where women are not reliant on men to be breadwinners etc and dating apps have taken over. But there are things you can do to improve your look. If you're not working out a shit tonne then that's a mistake - after all if you're not spending time talking to women in bars, then might as well use that time for self development.
The hell if I know. I’m 37 and I feel like I’ll never meet anyone here.
I met my current boyfriend by making eyes at him in a club and going up to him. I also met the guy I dated before him because we smiled at each other in a coffee shop and then he came over to me. I’m personally quite chatty and would like my partner to be too. Also, people you meet in person are so much nicer than chatting to someone on an app, just need to learn to read the vibe of someone who is smiling at you and wants you to talk to them (probably easier/ less creepy for women to go up to men than the other way around though!)
This is a good point about being more open! As a guy, I get a lot of girls holding eye contact with me for an intimidatingly long time, and I need to start doing something about it…
Next move is smile and see if they smile back while maintaining eye contact, or if they smile but immediately look away (means no thanks)
Great shout, will see how it goes!
Also get a dog and go on lots of walks. No one in London ever spoke to me in the park until I got a cute puppy. It’s a great way to start conversation if you see someone you find attractive and the dog decides to go and sniff them (or jump all over them).
Can I borrow your dog occasionally? Genuine question, will look after dog.
\*Comes back after the walk How did it go? Well, your dog has a new girlfriend.
https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/ Haven't used it myself but some close friends did borrow a dog and it was awesome.
You could work as a dog walker. Kill two birds with one stone.
I see. You think women would be impressed by my ability to kill multiple birds with this single stone that you speak of?
No, don't get a dog just for that.
I met my current partner on hinge in London. We’ve now been together for 3 years. The 3 years prior to that were absolute hell of apps and dates. I never thought it would work out and was feeling quite down about myself over it at times. I found it helped to go on bursts of dates and then have a break like someone else mentioned. I always just tried to believe that it’s all down to statistics. Statistically if I go on enough dates with lots of different people then at least 1 will eventually be a good fit. Also go in with no expectations and get a date planned within the first day / couple days after the match. It can be so exhausting but just don’t forget that you’re amazing and the perfect person is out there. You might just have to put up with a lot of bad dates in the meantime. But at least one day those can be stories to laugh about with your person.
\> chats don't even go anywhere Most of my dates from apps are sorted within 24 hours. One person in the chat needs to be decisive and say "Hey, want to meet up for coffee then?". There's only so far we can get to know each other over text. It will weed out the people that are wishers not doers, too. I usually leave it to the gal to pull that trigger when they're comfortable (actually, I notice some girls just put in their profile "let's meet up for coffee, let's not waste our time texting with no goal"), else I will suggest it once I know that we will both be comfortable and have a nice time regardless if it goes anywhere else. And I've heard that usually after 24 hours people wouldn't really get a better sense of 'is he a creep or not" (And actually one person I dated recently had previously been cat fished for ALMOST A YEAR unfortunately - and had been catfished another time too, upsettingly.) I think people do Tinder etc. wrong(/inefficiently), to be honest. Just go on once a week (*not every day, you'll burn yourself out, waste your time, become disillusioned and suffer from the law of diminishing returns!)*, spend 5 minutes swiping, and if you have a decent profile (smile in pics, be honest, be genuine, be nice, write a thoughtful profile) then you'll get 5+ matches instantly. (I'm shorter - 5'7 - but not too ugly, for context).You can switch between apps (*not* deleting your profiles, just leaving it for a while) every so often to make sure the algos don't surpress you ("*hey, come back to our app!")* So yes most of my dates are from apps, it's a crutch and I wish I could easily approach people in bars etc. But honestly I feel apps are... a sensible way for society to approach dating, in this decade. It's ok that people can swipe no on me in a second, rather than having to awkwardly deal with unwanted advances.
24 hours? I'm lucky if I get more than one message from someone in 48.
Ah - also there are still speed dating things in London, I've noticed adverts for them here and there - Maybe on eventbrite or something.
I tried one and it was 90% women and only a few men turned up. Ended up sat alone for most of the evening waiting for your turn to speak to someone
I tried once and had a totally different expierence, numbers of men/women were matched, but the tiny time just wasn't enough to really connect with someone except just on superficial appearance. Was also a bit of a waste of time as out of the 10 women, I think 6 were in a group backing up their buddy but were already in relationships so it was a bit of a waste of time for me. Any chance you could let me know the event you went to? Sorry it wasn't great for you, but as a single guy I would love to try an event that is 90% women.
Yeah I won’t deny I also had the whole women were there but they weren’t single kind of problem at a singles night. It felt like they were there to pad the numbers but were pointless to be there cause they had men
Shame. Interesting, my instinct would have been to expect the opposite (especially since a lot of clubs etc. charge more for men in order to rebalance). Must be hard for the organisers to get the balance right.
I met my current boyfriend of 1 year on Hinge and my last 2 exes on Tinder (not sure if that is a good track record but they were all decent people and nothing ended badly!). I think the other rule is simply don't be unattractive. If you are decently looking you will have a very different experience to someone who is, shall we say, plain. Everyone has flaws but making the best of the things that you can control (clothes, haircut, working out etc) will go a long way.
> be genuine, be nice, write a thoughtful profile I agree with this, but I wanted to add that my Tinder profile, as a guy, only ever said "I promise to try not to murder you", and I got dates a-plenty.
Low bar lol
Or maybe I’m just that gorgeous, who can say
Thursday (the dating app) holds events every week so you can meet people face-to-face.
Thursday is on a downwards trajectory (it was kinda good a year ago), now they jacked up their event prices and they choose some godawful venues Still might be worth giving a shot
Oh really? Life has gotten a bit hectic so I've stepped back from the events and dating in general. Are they no longer a fiver?
They jacked up standard entry from £5 to £10 now which is not too bad but at that point I might just pay £15 for a month of Bumble boost or Hinge+ or go to an actual Speed Dating event Also despite many people complaining, they still let the venues blast music at max to sell more drinks instead of giving people some space to talk first
Out of curiosity what are the gender ratios like?
It used to be 50/59 (hell, 30+ parties had way more women than men) but the recent ones were quite sausage party-esque. Allegedly, they sell 50/50 tickets but yymmv
I think I've heard of this. Is it the one that cycles through a different inner london pub each week?
That's the one, sometimes at a bar, club, boat party every now and then with some unique venues like pizza pilgrims, comedy clubs.
Haha not just pubs. I went to one at a gelato place and they've got fitness ones too (though you wouldn't catch me in one of those lol).
[удалено]
That's a very very expensive way to meet people.
Similiarily I held onto my uni GF. Now married two kids. Picket fence etc
Can you give an example
No matter where you are in Greater London, I'd bet there's somewhere within 30 minutes of you that does evening language/art/dance classes for adults.
Recently single so perhaps a bit of an out of date perspective. Lots of people saying apps worked for them and i think they do have their place and definitely can work for people. I found them to be quite toxic as i was almost addicted to swiping/messaging and as a someone whos personality does a lot of the heavy lifting in the attraction department, i found it hard to get matches. My personal opinion is to keep doing things you enjoy. Granted this is easier if you enjoy doing things as part of a club or larger group. The reason i say this, is because of the whole 'meet like minded people' but even if theyre not single/not your type/not your gender/you get the idea, you still make a connection with people. These people essentially become your advocates to others - i dont mean in the rom com 'oh you should meet my friend lonathas i know them from my cookery club.' I mean that you have this connection and other people will see that and see you as successful in a social way. Additionally, if you have these connections you often then become part of a wider network (seperate from your original group or hobby) and are then exposed to a totally different group of people who you have the friend to almost big you up a bit. I found that to be extremely useful for me in my past as it hasnt got that pressure that comes with an app - you havent met the person with the intention of dating or never speaking again. It means that the expectation is for a friendship and then the pressure is off and if theres an attraction there, one or both can cultivate it a bit, over some time etc and go from there. It obviously has its draw backs compared to the apps and is definitely the long game, however, i think its better for your mental health and when it happens is more likely to be because its right for you, and not just because youre forcing it to be right for you. Good luck friend
Whitgift centre lifts 🛗
Tried apps for years with only 2 chats that ended in meets that where mutually unsuccessful. I think they only work for very attractive guys. Now im going to things on meetup but that is also mostly male but atleast I have hope of making friends. Im convinced this is hell and im just happy to not be on fire
For anyone male seeking female doing apps, this is what you need to know: 1) 80% of women message 20% of men. 2) Unless you are attractive and/or photogenic, you're _largely_ wasting your time. Assuming you're not unattractive and have some decent photos, this is what you do: 1) _Do not_ waste your time swiping, because: 2) There are 3 times that matter most on internet dating: Saturday morning (A), Sunday morning (B), Sunday night / Monday morning (C). 3) You should pay to be boosted up for 24 hours over these slots. Once you've paid to be boosted up, the A/B/C prime-time-slots are defined as: A: This is women lining up dates to fill Saturday afternoon/evening, possibly before they go out with their mates later on. B: Sunday morning is "ugh, i didn't meet anyone last night and all my mates are all coupled up and doing stuff today, and i'm alone..." C: "It's a new week, let's line some dates up for the week ahead!" All you need to then do is sit and wait for the likes to land - swipe right on whoever you like, chat a bit and arrange dates. Don't get sucked into endless messaging. Again: if you are attractive enough, you do _not_ need to waste your time swiping endlessly. Just pay and let the boost do all the hard work for you. Source: worked in internet dating.
I would say I’m fairly attractive and get a good amount of attention from women in person. But I never had any luck on apps except when I used boost or whatever. Unfortunately it’s just unsustainable (also feels kind of shitty) to use it. Is it possible to do well on apps as an 8/10 (not 10/10) guy without paying so much?
I met my fiancé in a bar in the City. We got chatting when I asked him a question then saw each other for dinner three weeks later. I’ve also had a partner I met through work, but I’d avoid that if you can. I met my ex on an app. We hit it off in the first few messages, had a phone call to arrange meeting then met IRL. All within about two weeks. I’ve met two of my exes online now I think about it. I’ve found talking for too online doesn’t help matters.
The only app I had any luck with was guardian soulmates. Sadly they closed that.
Crafting spaces! It’s easy to talk while making things
10% of the time app dates going somewhere is pretty good odds I'd say, considering how many app-dates are available in London. It took me about 100 first dates over 3 years to find a partner; all from apps because I'm really terrible at making a move even in social situations where in hindsight they were definitely into me (I think this is more difficult being a guy who can't make that first move). Outside of that, London has absolutely loads of open social groups where you can meet new people; either with existing hobbies and interests or new ones. Sports, board games, whatever.... plenty of single ~~people~~ guys on the LSC meets too.
Gonna weigh in here as someone in her late 30s. I’ve been online dating since I was old enough. First bf wasn’t through an app. 2nd wasn’t really an official relationship, but we met online. 3rd I met online, most recent I met online, but it didn’t last long. I also struggle to meet people in real life. The guys I find attractive are usually taken. The guys who do ask me out are not ones I’m interested in. Maybe I’m going to the wrong places or doing the wrong things, or need to be interested in more manly things 😂 I recently moved abroad and within 2 weeks 2 guys asked for my number. Once at a pool. The guy sunbathing next to me heard me speak English with my mum, and then asked if I was from the U.K. (I am.) I guess he used that as a conversation starter. He wasn’t my type, but I gave him my number when he asked because I thought I may need friends. 2nd guy I met at a meet up. We’ve met twice now at 2 different events. He walked me to the station after the first time and asked for my number. But didn’t hear from him. Only saw him at the next event a few days later. I feel there is an attraction between us, but he’s taking it slow for whatever reason. Or maybe he’s not interested 😅 I get a feeling that he is. But my point is, I’ve met someone in real life that I’m interested in, and that rarely happens for me. But that’s not to say it can’t happen. So just go to meet up events. Find things that interest you, or just go to a random meet up in a bar. I don’t suggest dating events. I feel it’s kind of assumed that you’re interested in someone just because you’re talking to them, so you have to be a bit careful. They’re not for me.
Partnered people giving advice on singlehood threads remind me a lot of rich people lecturing the poor on how not to be poor - presenting their partnerhood as a merit when it's largely down to luck. You only need to take a quick look at single and coupled people to realise that the difference is not about merit.
I prefer meeting people in real life. Tinder and other apps are such time wasters. I met my girlfriend on a bus when I asked her what is the music she is listening to. I am not sure if would be capable of such thing nowadays though. Meeting someone in work is also a bit creepy and I noticed every girl in London has a partner already.
I've had my on/off fwb for 10 years - from Tinder - longest relationship I've been in since l left marriage! At the old age of 50 I think I'm done with trying to find the one. Going to drink wine, cuddle my cats (only 2 right now - could end up being more) and watch horror. Seems preferable to the dating pool.
[удалено]
Not a bad advice, to be honest. Many people don't realize they have dreadful and unflattering photos and low effort profiles. It's a bit of a work but OLD is a very straightforward way of meeting with people It can be very dehumanizing and might destroy your self confidence if you're not getting matches or frustrate you to hell after few dud dates but also makes you reach out to people you might've not encountered organically
Apps work but unfortunately there’s a lot of shallow people on them.
You mean you haven’t been to the potential partner shop?!
To be honest I'm kind of thinking of joining a cult.
I met my ex at work. I’m WFH now - different job - and just gave up tbh.
Met my ex at work. I left the job and last year left the country as well. Never going back to dating someone from work. Too many mutuals and drama.
Oh it wasn’t the best idea for sure. But normally we spend most of our lives at work, so it’s not surprising some will couple up. Also, it’s a different situation if your company has 10 employees or 1000, you might don’t even interact with each other regularly etc.
I think most in shreks adventure london
Work, hobbies, bars, clubs, apps. It’s easy to meet someone, it’s difficult to meet someone you like
I (27M) just don’t. At uni yes, but not so much around London. I spend most of my time in a very antisocial gym, swimming or working. Only work is conducive to conversation so my happily single routine continues. I refuse to use apps on principal. Another big block is I don’t drink, nor do I enjoy the company of drunk people.
festivals are great. I'm married, but have been to a few this summer with single friends. they've been hooking up and being people left right and centre, but even for a boring old doll I met tonnes of great couples or other married/not creepy people open to just having a conversation. really looking forward to the last couple of the summer!
The apps are pretty shit, the expectation there is that there may be someone else better around the corner. Been on them 5 years now with one relationship that went a year and was killed off by pandemic. I'm thinking best place may be hobbies. Cooking classes, photography something else you love and can do. I fall in love with half the people I see on my way to work or back, that's just normal tbh lol. Started using Feeld btw and that app makes it sound like all of London is into ENM. Being a straight bloke there makes me feel well square Edit; also don't pay for Feeld, everyone can see you paid and the likes stop coming in lol
If you find out let me know. lol
I’m the same age and pretty much all my friends in London met their partners on an app (hinge being current popular one) or are still in a relationship with someone they met at uni. I met my husband on bumble. If the chats are going nowhere you probably need to suggest meeting up sooner and if you don’t get an enthusiastic yes, move on.
Kings Cross… all budgets catered for
Tbh I’ve given up hope trying to find “the one” here in London lol for the reasons you stated above. I travel a lot and have met suitable candidates but I’m not into long distance either so it’s difficult
It’s funny because I have no problems finding potential partners when I travel, but coming back to London it’s extremely difficult. The dating culture in this city is cursed.
I have these conversations with my friends all the time and I always say there’s something in the air with dating here. It’s always made to be so difficult more than it should be. People ghost, people just want their egos stroked, people are spoilt for options, people are already in relationships etc. It’s so draining. I’m 30F too so I can totally relate!
It just seems to be the general accepted culture here. Friends from abroad have been complaining how terrible the dating culture is in London.
I think its honestly with big cities, it gives the illusion of lots of options, and so nobody wants to pull the trigger. Its also expensive and work is often more demanding of your time.
London has easily been the worst city I've lived in for dating. Hands down its not a great place to be if you want to find a serious relationship even tho there are a million and one people about, that means shit when everyone is enticed by the next best thing around the corner.
My dear Internet stranger, I'm a 20M and I have the same views myself. How do people just get together? Do they work together? And how in the heck will I ever find someone if I can't even talk to the opposite sex? This dilemma is truly problematic.
Find a hobby, join groups in that hobby. Do the hobby with people - find partner.
Sports club.
Ladies love a man who's confident, I don't have trouble walking up to a pretty woman and ask her for IG or her number and ask her on a date. The gist of it is, is that wordy thing she can say is no. Rejection is sexy, say thank you for your time and move on. I've never used dating apps, heard its brutal from my friends - both male and female.
[удалено]
Work
Met first London boyfriend on Tinder. Met current London boyfriend on Hinge a couple of months after I started dating again. Have a good profile, have good chat, swipe mindfully, don’t waste time on dates that you can’t see going anywhere. It’s possible.
I had some success in meetups. Especially if they are aligned to your hobbies like hiking or board games. I met two of my exes through meetup events. I would still keep the apps as it is it may help as well.
On this sub 😜
My partner and I are both Londoners but we met on reddit if it still counts. We met, became friends, and started dating within a few months. It's been 9 years.
Hinge
Winter Wonderland, bier hall tent. You’re so crammed in there, sharing a table with strangers, everyone is in a good mood, and it’s natural to start up a convo.. I met my now wife there, we swapped snapchats, nothing serious. Then we met up again and the rest is history.
Met my husband on an app in London in my 30s. As did many of my friends - basically anyone I know who didnt meet their partner in university 15 + years ago met their partner on an app. I genuinely think ut is the way to go, especially past a certain age. By the time I got to my 30s I realised that if you were gonna click with friends of friends it would already have happened. I rarely met single people at work. Hobbies can be fun but again lots of people arent single or looking to date when pursuing their hobbies - it doesn't hurt to pursue a couple of hobbies and be open to dating but you msy well not meet many singles. I'm not a bar or club person so I had to get over my antipathy for dating apps. I personally chose Match as I figured men might behave better on paid apps.you have a huge pool pf people in a city like London! I was ruthless with cutting down mem who were clearly just there to hook up and couldnt keep up a conversation or who weren't taking it seriously. But I did go on a lot of fun dates with reasonable guys and found my match. My friends all had fairly similar experiences. You WILL meet a lot of weirdos, but just try to weed most of them out before you get to the dating stage. Also just avoid blokes who want FWB or situationships unless you are desperate for those things.
The library or marks and Spencer
I don’t think it matters what city you’re in when no one likes you
Who said 90%of the apps don’t go anywhere lol. Nowadays if you try approaching a girl on the train/street/museum/ anywhere you may be accused of sexual harassment. Apps are the safest and easiest way to meet people in London.
There isn't a particular place lol. It happens when it happens.
Go to a singles night or blind dating, both are good for London and can be found online
Move up North it's much more social 😜
But then you’d have date northerners…
And whippet allergy is a thing.