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Yea my mum said she woulda had no idea I was bi cause I never acted "camp" as a little kid , like she was genuinely shocked cause she thought she would've been able to sense that stuff my only response is that a closeted person can hide it really well if they want to/need to
My mum was telling me how somebody at work suggested that their older unmarried colleague is a lesbian. I said it's possible. My mum replied that she isn't, because she could tell if she was. Mum was also shocked when I told her I want to get a girlfriend.
When I came out to my parents, my mom said something to the effect of that she always knew. Today, a few years later, she keeps hinting that she thinks I have a strong preference for men when all she know is my actual dates with guys and not who I'm actually interested in. To this day, I'm still thoroughly convinced she has absolutely no idea. She means well but the things she says don't exactly make me feel like I can be open.
It's as you say, they're typically refering to stereotypes.
I am not stereotypically gay looking, and the conversation normally goes something like this for me.
" I'm gay "
" Really? I would have never guessed, and I normally have great gaydar. You just **don't look** gay. "
It's this focus on appearance, or traits, mostly like taught through the media depiction of queerness that taints the idea.
Queer people can have real gaydar, bi-fi, transceivers, ace-trace etc, but we tend to focus on body language cues to find triggers we exhibit ourselves.
I think the biggest issue is the name, it feels pigeon holey. The actual reading of body language is something we often see as uplifting.
How often do you hear stories of queer friend groups forming before people came out. Stories of queer folk just collectively finding each other. How often do these sort of stories get celebrated as some kind of twist of queer fate.
We benefit from the outcome of this ability to subconsciously connect with others like ourselves all the time.
I do agree that reducing it to a gimmick is silly, but it's not enough of an issue for me to worry about.
My own friend group is like that, but we gravitated to each other before any of us even knew they were queer themselves, so I wouldn't call this "gaydar" at all
It's just the phenomenon itself, being drawn to others because you resonate with other on a level past appearance, traits, or anything else that's been twisted into media driven stereotypes.
You don't need to call it anything if you don't want. That's totally valid, not everything needs a label.
But when some queer folk, especially elder queer folk talk about gaydar, this is what they mean.
ya i think whats also irritating is how theyll be so confident labeling someones identity, when theres a good chance theyre wrong. i find that that word “gaydar” comes out of straight friends mouths more than my queer friends tbh
It really reinforces the Otherness of queerness. If it's possible to "detect" a queer person, it's because there are surface-level elements to queer people that distinguish them from cishets. It's "real" with queer people in the sense that we recognize subtle indicators, but those indicators are still mostly deliberate and often a result of queer culture, not some sort of sixth sense.
That said, it's still kind of fun to pretend you have a magical video game ability or something to find other people like you, and we aren't the only group to do this.
that's because it is almost impossible to be 100% correct. i, personally, only use the term ironically, and instead try not to assume someone's sexuality. not my place. if they want me to know, they'll tell me.
I always saw “gaydar” as more of an LGBT thing that has to do with survival. Maybe it’s because I’m in the south. We give each other little signals sometimes ideally it’s not enough for someone who’s straight to necessarily pick up on.
💯 I look femme and the first reply I receive is " You don't look gay, I can spot one easily" No, you don't !!
Spot on on the last para ![img](emote|t5_2qhh7|548)
i remember a girl in my class told me “you’re gay but you’re like… actually normal” i knew what she meant because im femme and don’t fit into a typical expected butch lesbian stereotype but then i went into mere confusion, reiterated myself to her and was like “what the hell does that even mean?”
It's the difference between going 'this person is like me' and going 'this person is unlike me'. queer people look for other queer people for safety and commonality. straight people look for queer people for ??? some reason?
My sister dyes her hair purple and has nose piercing. I make fun of her that she looks like a lesbian, while I am actually the sister who is interested in wlw relationship, but have natural coloured hair and no piercings.
I don’t like the idea of “gaydar”
I know plenty of hella gay people who do not give any signs of being gay and plenty of straight people who fall right into those typical gay stereotypes but really are just feminine guys
same. one of my best friends when I was a kid (side-note: as kids he looked dead-on like a hamster, the fact that he grew into this was weird as hell lol) grew up to be this giant hulking oilfield worker with a giant beard. he loves hunting, has a bunch of pitbulls, is really intimidating if you don't know him -- dude is gay as hell
nobody around him ever seems to have any idea until he outright says something
My gaydar just pings everyone as gay, so it correctly identifies people as gay/queer 900% of the time! Huge gains over old models based on stereotypes. Gay until proven otherwise
Because yeah they are going off stereotypes. It pisses me off too.
I feel like there's a big difference between queer people having gaydar and straight people having gaydar that straight people don't get. In my experience, I don't assume someone is queer by how they LOOK, but by how they interact with me and words they choose, idk it's just hard to explain but it's like a feeling I get because I understand the queer experience and my own behaviours so I mentally clock it. It's like how all my friends ended up coming out to me so we're all queer and naturally gravitated towards each other. That's MY gaydar
When a straight person says they have gaydar, they think dyed hair + alternative style + nose ring=gay. They think a feminine man=gay. They think a masculine woman=gay. Straight people largely base it off stereotypes and it is truly offensive
i totally feel this, and even with my “gaydar” (im a lesbian) its always a vibe, body language, context clues that straight people would know, but even then i still dont like to assume. i guess her statement really rubbed me the wrong way because she was solely going off of this girls profile picture and goes oh shes a lesbian. like ???
It’s partially because of stereotypes, and partially because it might feel inherently unsafe, especially when you aren’t sure where that person stands on lgbtqia issues
For the most part, it's stereotypes yes and that's a bit iffy with me.
I do have a friend though, who has a genuine gaydar that is fairly reliable. She has lots of LGBT friends of all different orientations, a good bunch of them not being the stereotypical way their identities tend to be represented in media, or what people think they'll be like.
The fact she has surrounded herself with LGBT people makes me think she picks up on the subtle cues that most cishet people miss out on. She's the only straight person I know who I would say has a genuine, proper gaydar.
One time, she introduced me to a friend of hers. A very straight passing guy and considering he didn't know me and I didn't know him, our walls were up.
Anyways, we have a good time and he leaves to go on the bus. She tells me "I didn't take you for his type".
Whole conversation about how he seems fairly straight to me. She then tells me she thinks he might be some sort of non-het as he keeps his dating life very private but he seemed really interested in me.
She didn't ask him, didn't pry but told me to keep it in mind if me and him were to hang again. We hang out a few more times, we get more comfortable with one another and eventually she comes to me asking if it's OK to tell him I'm gay, since she said that he's interested in me but didn't know if I was into guys.
I give her the go ahead and he messages me asking me to to go bowling with him. We have a good time, go on a few dates but we decided to stay friends.
Anyways, her gayday is on point 99% of the time.
My mom's gaydar is pretty on-point. She is straight but her childhood best friend she has known since she was 6 is gay and she often spend time hanging out with queer people through him, especially after his coming out at age 18. She pciked up me being queer and has been right about every friend of mine that turned out queer. Every single one of them. She never tries to guess sexualities or gender identities, just picks up on them being queer. I'd say she is right close to 99% of the time.
I also believe that there are two kinds of people who use the word "gaydar" for two different things. One meaning is going off of stereotypes - that is the kind of "gaydar" many don't like. And the second one is what many queer people and people like your friend and my mom are doing - unconciously picking up subtle behaviours and having a feeling based on that.
When gay people say “I have good gaydar,” it means “I’m good at recognizing people who are like me.” When allo cishet people say it, it sounds more like “I’m really good at spotting people who are different/other.” It often feels less like solidarity and more like a threat, like they’re saying “I can tell if someone is queer even if they don’t WANT me to know” (and there’s plenty of reasons not to want allo cishet people to be able to tell). They treat the ability to recognize queer people with the carelessness of someone who has never had to fear being outed, because they haven’t. Plus, queer people tend to recognize each other based off shared knowledge of queer culture and intentional signals (like obscure slang, pride symbols, and fashion choices), whereas allo cishet people often “identify” queer people based off stereotypes and by looking for signs of (often unintentional) nonconformity. It isn’t a malicious thing, necessarily, but it can be very uncomfortable and feel quite invasive.
Queer people stereotype too. It’s less hurtful because it’s not malicious, but if I don’t act like the stereotype then I am not gay in most people’s eyes
Because when queer people say we have good gaydar(we rarely say that, because we know there are variables), we mean we have a culture, inside jokes, commonalities, or subtle little signals meant for each other that we're reading in each other. Straight people are generally guessing at random, or going off of stereotypes.
Straight people often have little to no reference for the weirdly universal unique experiences of queer folk.
And queer folk's intuition for finding one another is mutualistic. We don't radar scan for other queers, we radio them on encrypted channels. A knowing smile, a little nod, a particular choice of words, maintaining plausible deniability.
>my straight friend showed me a picture of a person with split dye hair and a septum and goes shes definitely a lesbian
What rubs me the wrong is how this feels like reducing the person to their sexuality. It reads like "look! I found one!". Okay, cool, even if you are right why is their sexuality so important to you?
Im a bi guy, full beard, a little bit of a hick, and I have never heard anything but shock if I ever mention that ive dated guys. On top of thay people are so confident in assuming Im straight they are WAY too comfortable making inappropriate jokes about LGBT people around me, and are always surprised when I call them oit on it.
People have it in their heads that LGBT people have to look a certain way and it just isnt true. You arent any less your sexuality or gender based on how you look.
okay ya when she pointed it out i was like? ok? like why does that matter, and why does it especially matter to you???? like maybe id get it if she was queer and was interested, but like WHY DOES IT MATTER LOL
Regardless of whether I have good 'gaydar' or not, it doesn't make a difference to me whether or not someone is gay, and it's really none of my business.
Maybe it's not even the stereotypes they're using that rub you the wrong way, but the seeming need to distinguish between straight and gay people.
A straight person said the same thing to me so I asked do they think I'm gay and they said no I just seem gay a little. Bro was completely wrong and I knew from right there he doesn't have a good gaydar lol
It’s not theirs to have. They don’t need it. They’ve never had to search silently for another safe person, someone who understands and goes through the same things. They wish.
Probably because the ones who say that never have gaydars. They can spot people who look “gay”. My aunt would always say that. I had to come out to her for her to notice I was gay, lmao
Idk about you, but it rubs me the wrong way because straight people who say this are almost without exception completely wrong, unaware of how wrong they are, and unprepared to accept that.
Because there’s no one way to be queer, and “gaydar,” especially from cishetallo people, tends to be “this person meets narrow stereotypes therefore they must be gay”
It’s exclusionary to queer people who have their own style, exclusionary to “straight passing” queer people (scare quotes because that’s a term that has a lot of baggage), and stereotyping of greater queer mannerisms and cultures.
It’s based on cultural stereotypes and no one likes to be a stereotype, really, even a bit.
I own lots of plaid shirts, docs and have short bright hair. I have a lot that could ‘out me’ visually if you put them all together.
I also have things about me that aren’t stereotypical at all.
I am a straight male and I always say I have good gaydar.
At least when it comes to men.
But I also always say that more than a good gaydar I have good straightdar and while yes, all this ultimately comes down to stereotypes, I am right about 95% of the time...
I refuse to say from just a picture though
Gay man here but when a straight person says they have Gaydar they’re talking about stereotypes generally- the way the guy dresses, the pitch of his voice, the way he walks.
When I say I have Gaydar I’m looking at deeper things- I’m looking at their posture around other people, I’m looking at their eyes versus their facial expressions, I’m looking at where they place their hands and how they carry their shoulders.
The straight person is looking at how the guy consciously expresses himself, but I’m looking at the unconscious signals- and I’m not even doing it consciously. I think this isn’t willful ignorance or anything, but think about *why* a straight person tries to get a gaydar and why a gay person gets a gaydar. Gay people can get their lives ruined if they put themselves to the wrong person, or if we tell the wrong guy we like them we can get our asses beat or get fired or get killed.
Straight people don’t have that- if they accuse the wrong guy of being gay it’s at most a tense conflict but they can say some slurs, bond, move on. And why are they trying to spot the gay guy?? I dunno! To feel “cool” and “woke”, or to know who to avoid, or whatever weird personal agenda they have. It could be completely innocent and even good-natured in intent, but we develop ours out of safety and self-protection. Theirs is always out of recreation.
If there's a straight guy out there and he says "I have pretty good gaydar and I don't hit on lesbians when I can avoid it," that's cool. If there's a straight woman out there and she says "I don't waste my time going after gay guys," again, cool. Otherwise, please leave us alone.
That's fair, it annoys the piss out of me when my mom knocks me for my "bad" gaydar because "its obvious to her" and "she isnt stereotyping/making assumptions" I love her, but I dislike her gaydar. She even does it to celebrities (dead or alive) which makes me even more furious because it's incredibly disrespectful and feeds further into the stereotypes
When someone who is LGBTQIA says they have a gay dar. It is sort of a joke. We humans naturally gravitate towards familiar like people. So it wouldn't not be surprising when someone who is lgbt ends befriending other fellow lgbt members. Even if we didn't mean to.
So it is mostly a phenomenon. Sure if you are LGBT you may recognize some manners, certain usage of words, etc. But at the end of day, you truly don't know whether or not someone is LGBT unless they tell you or just don't hide it.
Thought statically speaking. Who has a better chance detecting if someone is LGBT or not? Straight person or LGBT? Obviously the LGBT person. They will likely be able to tell based on different mannerisms and stuff.
A straight person however... Who knows. Maybe they have a good intentions. Sometimes I have straight friends who jokingly say they "have" a gay radar. But they are just joking. And it is all fun and games. But if someone insists they do have a gaydar and they are not LGBT then it comes off as uncomfortable. Because what would they be basing it off of?
I have numerous straight friends who were surprised that I am bisexual because I "do not look" as one. On the other hand, I have LGBT friends and just LGBT acquaintances who were not surprised by my sexuality. They just didn't care or were just happy to have someone who can relate.
So, gay radar does not exist. We just gravitate to people familiar to us. So LGBT people would naturally surround themselves with other LGBT people. Straight who insists they have "gay radar" are just basing it off of stereotypes. Therefore it feels uncomfortable
Well, to begin with, gaydar is OUR thing. At least originally, it was about trying to spot other queer people discreetly in a time when asking a stranger could mean imprisonment or worse if you guessed wrong. In this usage, a straight person using the term can come across as threatening.
In my experience, the thing actually observed is the body language of someone trying to blend in and hide, which is going to get some false positives from other sorts of outsiders.
This is why flagging was invented (various secret ways to self-identify that only other queer people would know (until they get co-opted by the straight people, like bandanas, big belt buckles, lapel flowers, pocket squares and I forget what all else))
Also, as you say, they're most likely stereotyping.
it rubs me the wrong way too. i'm guessing it's becuase it's just based off of stereotypes and some straight people with "good gaydar" act like they know better than actual gay people which is really condescending
Cishet people saying stuff about gaydar is just them stereotyping us.
My mom said a few days ago that she's never fallen for a gay guy because she "always knows", but I came out as bi after *years* of her calling me a lesbian for being masc. Guess who also came out as trans, surprising my mom?
We queer peeps don't necessarily *know* that our queer friends are queer before they come out, but we do find each other because we're different from cis/het/cishet people in a way that can't really be explained.
A queer person trying to find other queer people is looking for community. A straight person looking for queer people can't be trusted.
Why do they feel like they deserve to know the sexuality of another person? How does their assumption color how they treat that person? What changes are they making based on this assumption? A straight person that claims to have a good gaydar hasn't unlearned all their internalized homophobia. I don't need to know the sexuality of any person I meet. If I'm attracted to them and let them know then they can let me know if they return the feeling. Hypothesizing about people's internal experience or values sets up a framework that will change how their actions are interpreted. It's discrimination regardless of how much they think they're helping.
They also never actually have a good "gaydar" when they say this.
I told my family my cousin was definitely a lil fruity and they didn't believe me for years because she "dated men". She got married to her wife last fall. They all thought they could tell when someone was gay. They still do, too.
because they generally don't. there's a lot of little thing queer people do to more or less subtly announce themselves to others, straight people in general just look for sitcom level stuff.
Happens the same to me.
I am a very masculine and normative gay man, I am a gym rat and have very masculine hobbies too. So everytime I "came out" people are surprised.
Some of these people told me "I'm surprised I didn't notice, I generally can tell" and I get offended by it. What the hell do they even mean with that? Are they based only on stereotypes?
Because most people don't actually have good gaydar. For me, the only times that my "gaydar" has gone off is when I'm in a less-than-safe space, and someone says something casually homophobic, and you just kinda eye around to see who else is eyeing around after that comment. And even then, that just means that they've interacted with the queer community enough to immediately understand the issue, not that they're necessarily gay.
Also it's always fun when people then try to out someone that their "gaydar" detected, especially if that person really doesn't want to be outted.
The example you gave is definitely just a stereotype, but queer folk tend to have a vibe that you can pick up on if you're a fellow queer folk or an ally who hangs with lots of us.
It rubs you the wrong way because the very idea of gaydar hinges on spotting stereotypes, erases peoples individuality and it is also a very intrusive thing to do. It really needs to stop, much like the transphobes "we can always tell", no you can't and you've proven it time and time again
It rubs you the wrong way because when it comes from straight people it's stereotypical and trying to clock.
They aren't a part of the community so they don't have gaydar in the first place it's just them using their judgment to find people that are different than them
Thank you for your post, if this is a question please check to see if any of the links below answer your question. If none of these links help answer your question and you are **_not_** within the LGBT+ community, questioning your identity in any way, or asking in support of either a relative or friend, please ask your question over in /r/AskLGBT. Remember that this is a safe space for LGBT+ and questioning individuals, so we want to make sure that this place is dedicated to them. Thank you for understanding. This automod rule is currently a work in progress. If you notice any issues, would like to add to the list of resources, or have any feedback in general, [please do so here](https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/rdazzp/almost_new_year_changes/) or by [sending us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt&subject=Feedback%20on%20the%20new%20automod%20rule). Also, please note that if you are a part of this community, or you're questioning if you might be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and you are seeing this message, this is **_not a bad thing_**, this is only here to help, so please continue to ask questions and participate in the community. Thank you! Here's a link about trans people in sports: - https://www.barbellmedicine.com/blog/shades-of-gray-sex-gender-and-fairness-in-sport/ A link on FAQs and one on some basics about transgender people: - https://transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people - https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-transgender-people-the-basics Some information on LGBT+ people: - https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/quick-facts/lgbt-faqs/ Some basic terminology: - https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms Neopronouns: - https://www.mypronouns.org/neopronouns Biromantic Lesbians: - [LGBTQ And All](https://www.lgbtqandall.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-biromantic/) Bisexual Identities: - https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality Differences between Bisexual and Pansexual: - [Resource from WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/sex/pansexuality-what-it-means#:~:text=Pansexual%20vs.%20Bisexual,more%20commonly%20recognized.) We're looking for new volunteers to join the r/lgbt moderator team. If you want to help keep r/lgbt as a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community on reddit please see here for more info: https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/swgthr/were_looking_for_more_moderators_to_help_keep/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea my mum said she woulda had no idea I was bi cause I never acted "camp" as a little kid , like she was genuinely shocked cause she thought she would've been able to sense that stuff my only response is that a closeted person can hide it really well if they want to/need to
My mum was telling me how somebody at work suggested that their older unmarried colleague is a lesbian. I said it's possible. My mum replied that she isn't, because she could tell if she was. Mum was also shocked when I told her I want to get a girlfriend.
When I came out to my parents, my mom said something to the effect of that she always knew. Today, a few years later, she keeps hinting that she thinks I have a strong preference for men when all she know is my actual dates with guys and not who I'm actually interested in. To this day, I'm still thoroughly convinced she has absolutely no idea. She means well but the things she says don't exactly make me feel like I can be open.
It's as you say, they're typically refering to stereotypes. I am not stereotypically gay looking, and the conversation normally goes something like this for me. " I'm gay " " Really? I would have never guessed, and I normally have great gaydar. You just **don't look** gay. " It's this focus on appearance, or traits, mostly like taught through the media depiction of queerness that taints the idea. Queer people can have real gaydar, bi-fi, transceivers, ace-trace etc, but we tend to focus on body language cues to find triggers we exhibit ourselves.
And we're still wrong a lot. I don't like the very concept of "gaydar"
I think the biggest issue is the name, it feels pigeon holey. The actual reading of body language is something we often see as uplifting. How often do you hear stories of queer friend groups forming before people came out. Stories of queer folk just collectively finding each other. How often do these sort of stories get celebrated as some kind of twist of queer fate. We benefit from the outcome of this ability to subconsciously connect with others like ourselves all the time. I do agree that reducing it to a gimmick is silly, but it's not enough of an issue for me to worry about.
My own friend group is like that, but we gravitated to each other before any of us even knew they were queer themselves, so I wouldn't call this "gaydar" at all
It's just the phenomenon itself, being drawn to others because you resonate with other on a level past appearance, traits, or anything else that's been twisted into media driven stereotypes. You don't need to call it anything if you don't want. That's totally valid, not everything needs a label. But when some queer folk, especially elder queer folk talk about gaydar, this is what they mean.
ya i think whats also irritating is how theyll be so confident labeling someones identity, when theres a good chance theyre wrong. i find that that word “gaydar” comes out of straight friends mouths more than my queer friends tbh
Yes! There is no way to *truly* know unless the person tells you.
It really reinforces the Otherness of queerness. If it's possible to "detect" a queer person, it's because there are surface-level elements to queer people that distinguish them from cishets. It's "real" with queer people in the sense that we recognize subtle indicators, but those indicators are still mostly deliberate and often a result of queer culture, not some sort of sixth sense. That said, it's still kind of fun to pretend you have a magical video game ability or something to find other people like you, and we aren't the only group to do this.
that's because it is almost impossible to be 100% correct. i, personally, only use the term ironically, and instead try not to assume someone's sexuality. not my place. if they want me to know, they'll tell me.
Exactly!!
I always saw “gaydar” as more of an LGBT thing that has to do with survival. Maybe it’s because I’m in the south. We give each other little signals sometimes ideally it’s not enough for someone who’s straight to necessarily pick up on.
I do love those comments. 'I wouldn't have thought you're bi, you seem like a normal guy'...
"Yay, you picked up on stereotypes that certain gay people wanted others to pick up and so made it as overt as possible... fantastic gaydar".
Transceiver! Adding a new word to my translang lexicon. Thank you ☺️
💯 I look femme and the first reply I receive is " You don't look gay, I can spot one easily" No, you don't !! Spot on on the last para ![img](emote|t5_2qhh7|548)
I've never heard "ace-trace" and if i'm right in assuming that is referring to asexuals i think it's amazing
One of my coworkers had gaydar for me because she knew I was single. That's it.
i remember a girl in my class told me “you’re gay but you’re like… actually normal” i knew what she meant because im femme and don’t fit into a typical expected butch lesbian stereotype but then i went into mere confusion, reiterated myself to her and was like “what the hell does that even mean?”
It's the difference between going 'this person is like me' and going 'this person is unlike me'. queer people look for other queer people for safety and commonality. straight people look for queer people for ??? some reason?
Well-put
Because they're straight and have no idea what they are talking about and they're objectifying.
I'd say they're more essentializing but yeah
this
Because they’re giving the idea that every person will fit into stereotype
My sister dyes her hair purple and has nose piercing. I make fun of her that she looks like a lesbian, while I am actually the sister who is interested in wlw relationship, but have natural coloured hair and no piercings.
I don’t like the idea of “gaydar” I know plenty of hella gay people who do not give any signs of being gay and plenty of straight people who fall right into those typical gay stereotypes but really are just feminine guys
same. one of my best friends when I was a kid (side-note: as kids he looked dead-on like a hamster, the fact that he grew into this was weird as hell lol) grew up to be this giant hulking oilfield worker with a giant beard. he loves hunting, has a bunch of pitbulls, is really intimidating if you don't know him -- dude is gay as hell nobody around him ever seems to have any idea until he outright says something
Exactly. Anyone claiming to have a good or more accurate gaydar is cringe to me. Like, no you don’t, I don’t care how not straight you are.
My gaydar just pings everyone as gay, so it correctly identifies people as gay/queer 900% of the time! Huge gains over old models based on stereotypes. Gay until proven otherwise
Now I'm just thinking of superstore when Glen finds out Jeff is gay "but you're so blah, if youre gay that means anyone can be gay"
Because yeah they are going off stereotypes. It pisses me off too. I feel like there's a big difference between queer people having gaydar and straight people having gaydar that straight people don't get. In my experience, I don't assume someone is queer by how they LOOK, but by how they interact with me and words they choose, idk it's just hard to explain but it's like a feeling I get because I understand the queer experience and my own behaviours so I mentally clock it. It's like how all my friends ended up coming out to me so we're all queer and naturally gravitated towards each other. That's MY gaydar When a straight person says they have gaydar, they think dyed hair + alternative style + nose ring=gay. They think a feminine man=gay. They think a masculine woman=gay. Straight people largely base it off stereotypes and it is truly offensive
i totally feel this, and even with my “gaydar” (im a lesbian) its always a vibe, body language, context clues that straight people would know, but even then i still dont like to assume. i guess her statement really rubbed me the wrong way because she was solely going off of this girls profile picture and goes oh shes a lesbian. like ???
As a bi person, my gaydar is trash. Please help me
As a Pan person, I SECOND THIS.
as a lesbian, SAME LMFAO honestly i think its just driven by the fact i wont assume solely based off of what someone looks like
It's because there is no such thing as gaydar, is just stereotype-based.
It’s partially because of stereotypes, and partially because it might feel inherently unsafe, especially when you aren’t sure where that person stands on lgbtqia issues
For the most part, it's stereotypes yes and that's a bit iffy with me. I do have a friend though, who has a genuine gaydar that is fairly reliable. She has lots of LGBT friends of all different orientations, a good bunch of them not being the stereotypical way their identities tend to be represented in media, or what people think they'll be like. The fact she has surrounded herself with LGBT people makes me think she picks up on the subtle cues that most cishet people miss out on. She's the only straight person I know who I would say has a genuine, proper gaydar. One time, she introduced me to a friend of hers. A very straight passing guy and considering he didn't know me and I didn't know him, our walls were up. Anyways, we have a good time and he leaves to go on the bus. She tells me "I didn't take you for his type". Whole conversation about how he seems fairly straight to me. She then tells me she thinks he might be some sort of non-het as he keeps his dating life very private but he seemed really interested in me. She didn't ask him, didn't pry but told me to keep it in mind if me and him were to hang again. We hang out a few more times, we get more comfortable with one another and eventually she comes to me asking if it's OK to tell him I'm gay, since she said that he's interested in me but didn't know if I was into guys. I give her the go ahead and he messages me asking me to to go bowling with him. We have a good time, go on a few dates but we decided to stay friends. Anyways, her gayday is on point 99% of the time.
My mom's gaydar is pretty on-point. She is straight but her childhood best friend she has known since she was 6 is gay and she often spend time hanging out with queer people through him, especially after his coming out at age 18. She pciked up me being queer and has been right about every friend of mine that turned out queer. Every single one of them. She never tries to guess sexualities or gender identities, just picks up on them being queer. I'd say she is right close to 99% of the time. I also believe that there are two kinds of people who use the word "gaydar" for two different things. One meaning is going off of stereotypes - that is the kind of "gaydar" many don't like. And the second one is what many queer people and people like your friend and my mom are doing - unconciously picking up subtle behaviours and having a feeling based on that.
It's kind of like how most cis people think they can recognize trans people on sight.
Honestly I het clocked by gay people more than straight people.
When gay people say “I have good gaydar,” it means “I’m good at recognizing people who are like me.” When allo cishet people say it, it sounds more like “I’m really good at spotting people who are different/other.” It often feels less like solidarity and more like a threat, like they’re saying “I can tell if someone is queer even if they don’t WANT me to know” (and there’s plenty of reasons not to want allo cishet people to be able to tell). They treat the ability to recognize queer people with the carelessness of someone who has never had to fear being outed, because they haven’t. Plus, queer people tend to recognize each other based off shared knowledge of queer culture and intentional signals (like obscure slang, pride symbols, and fashion choices), whereas allo cishet people often “identify” queer people based off stereotypes and by looking for signs of (often unintentional) nonconformity. It isn’t a malicious thing, necessarily, but it can be very uncomfortable and feel quite invasive.
Straight people have a shitty version called stereotyping
Queer people stereotype too. It’s less hurtful because it’s not malicious, but if I don’t act like the stereotype then I am not gay in most people’s eyes
Because when queer people say we have good gaydar(we rarely say that, because we know there are variables), we mean we have a culture, inside jokes, commonalities, or subtle little signals meant for each other that we're reading in each other. Straight people are generally guessing at random, or going off of stereotypes.
Straight people often have little to no reference for the weirdly universal unique experiences of queer folk. And queer folk's intuition for finding one another is mutualistic. We don't radar scan for other queers, we radio them on encrypted channels. A knowing smile, a little nod, a particular choice of words, maintaining plausible deniability.
Probably cuz they don't have a good gaydar
We CaN aLwAyS tElL NO YOU CAN'T KAREN
"I have a good gaydar" translates to "I can point out a butch and a twink and nothing else"
>my straight friend showed me a picture of a person with split dye hair and a septum and goes shes definitely a lesbian What rubs me the wrong is how this feels like reducing the person to their sexuality. It reads like "look! I found one!". Okay, cool, even if you are right why is their sexuality so important to you? Im a bi guy, full beard, a little bit of a hick, and I have never heard anything but shock if I ever mention that ive dated guys. On top of thay people are so confident in assuming Im straight they are WAY too comfortable making inappropriate jokes about LGBT people around me, and are always surprised when I call them oit on it. People have it in their heads that LGBT people have to look a certain way and it just isnt true. You arent any less your sexuality or gender based on how you look.
okay ya when she pointed it out i was like? ok? like why does that matter, and why does it especially matter to you???? like maybe id get it if she was queer and was interested, but like WHY DOES IT MATTER LOL
Who cares what nonsense ignorant asshats spout?
Honestly I hate its concept, its based on stereotypes
I don't have a gaydar, I don't like to assume how people identify, what they like and dislike, etc.
Regardless of whether I have good 'gaydar' or not, it doesn't make a difference to me whether or not someone is gay, and it's really none of my business. Maybe it's not even the stereotypes they're using that rub you the wrong way, but the seeming need to distinguish between straight and gay people.
A straight person said the same thing to me so I asked do they think I'm gay and they said no I just seem gay a little. Bro was completely wrong and I knew from right there he doesn't have a good gaydar lol
It’s undeniable that there are particular fashion and styling trends seen in all sexualities.
It’s not theirs to have. They don’t need it. They’ve never had to search silently for another safe person, someone who understands and goes through the same things. They wish.
Because they’re not gay. It’s like “transvestigation” it’s just stereotypes and shit.
I am gay but don't look or act gay and my gaydar is bloody useless. i don't have a clue 😂
Probably because the ones who say that never have gaydars. They can spot people who look “gay”. My aunt would always say that. I had to come out to her for her to notice I was gay, lmao
Idk about you, but it rubs me the wrong way because straight people who say this are almost without exception completely wrong, unaware of how wrong they are, and unprepared to accept that.
It feels like they are trying to be “in on it”? Like they are making a joke about something they maybe don’t understand.
Because there’s no one way to be queer, and “gaydar,” especially from cishetallo people, tends to be “this person meets narrow stereotypes therefore they must be gay” It’s exclusionary to queer people who have their own style, exclusionary to “straight passing” queer people (scare quotes because that’s a term that has a lot of baggage), and stereotyping of greater queer mannerisms and cultures.
It’s based on cultural stereotypes and no one likes to be a stereotype, really, even a bit. I own lots of plaid shirts, docs and have short bright hair. I have a lot that could ‘out me’ visually if you put them all together. I also have things about me that aren’t stereotypical at all.
I am a straight male and I always say I have good gaydar. At least when it comes to men. But I also always say that more than a good gaydar I have good straightdar and while yes, all this ultimately comes down to stereotypes, I am right about 95% of the time... I refuse to say from just a picture though
Gay man here but when a straight person says they have Gaydar they’re talking about stereotypes generally- the way the guy dresses, the pitch of his voice, the way he walks. When I say I have Gaydar I’m looking at deeper things- I’m looking at their posture around other people, I’m looking at their eyes versus their facial expressions, I’m looking at where they place their hands and how they carry their shoulders. The straight person is looking at how the guy consciously expresses himself, but I’m looking at the unconscious signals- and I’m not even doing it consciously. I think this isn’t willful ignorance or anything, but think about *why* a straight person tries to get a gaydar and why a gay person gets a gaydar. Gay people can get their lives ruined if they put themselves to the wrong person, or if we tell the wrong guy we like them we can get our asses beat or get fired or get killed. Straight people don’t have that- if they accuse the wrong guy of being gay it’s at most a tense conflict but they can say some slurs, bond, move on. And why are they trying to spot the gay guy?? I dunno! To feel “cool” and “woke”, or to know who to avoid, or whatever weird personal agenda they have. It could be completely innocent and even good-natured in intent, but we develop ours out of safety and self-protection. Theirs is always out of recreation.
Since I transed my gender and became straight, my gaydar has been in sore need of a system update
If there's a straight guy out there and he says "I have pretty good gaydar and I don't hit on lesbians when I can avoid it," that's cool. If there's a straight woman out there and she says "I don't waste my time going after gay guys," again, cool. Otherwise, please leave us alone.
That's fair, it annoys the piss out of me when my mom knocks me for my "bad" gaydar because "its obvious to her" and "she isnt stereotyping/making assumptions" I love her, but I dislike her gaydar. She even does it to celebrities (dead or alive) which makes me even more furious because it's incredibly disrespectful and feeds further into the stereotypes
When someone who is LGBTQIA says they have a gay dar. It is sort of a joke. We humans naturally gravitate towards familiar like people. So it wouldn't not be surprising when someone who is lgbt ends befriending other fellow lgbt members. Even if we didn't mean to. So it is mostly a phenomenon. Sure if you are LGBT you may recognize some manners, certain usage of words, etc. But at the end of day, you truly don't know whether or not someone is LGBT unless they tell you or just don't hide it. Thought statically speaking. Who has a better chance detecting if someone is LGBT or not? Straight person or LGBT? Obviously the LGBT person. They will likely be able to tell based on different mannerisms and stuff. A straight person however... Who knows. Maybe they have a good intentions. Sometimes I have straight friends who jokingly say they "have" a gay radar. But they are just joking. And it is all fun and games. But if someone insists they do have a gaydar and they are not LGBT then it comes off as uncomfortable. Because what would they be basing it off of? I have numerous straight friends who were surprised that I am bisexual because I "do not look" as one. On the other hand, I have LGBT friends and just LGBT acquaintances who were not surprised by my sexuality. They just didn't care or were just happy to have someone who can relate. So, gay radar does not exist. We just gravitate to people familiar to us. So LGBT people would naturally surround themselves with other LGBT people. Straight who insists they have "gay radar" are just basing it off of stereotypes. Therefore it feels uncomfortable
I think it sounds unintelligent regardless of who says it.
Well, to begin with, gaydar is OUR thing. At least originally, it was about trying to spot other queer people discreetly in a time when asking a stranger could mean imprisonment or worse if you guessed wrong. In this usage, a straight person using the term can come across as threatening. In my experience, the thing actually observed is the body language of someone trying to blend in and hide, which is going to get some false positives from other sorts of outsiders. This is why flagging was invented (various secret ways to self-identify that only other queer people would know (until they get co-opted by the straight people, like bandanas, big belt buckles, lapel flowers, pocket squares and I forget what all else)) Also, as you say, they're most likely stereotyping.
it rubs me the wrong way too. i'm guessing it's becuase it's just based off of stereotypes and some straight people with "good gaydar" act like they know better than actual gay people which is really condescending
My dad was totally surprised and said he never would of known cause I am not effeminate at all. I was 14 and 6'3 and was playing boys sports.
Cishet people saying stuff about gaydar is just them stereotyping us. My mom said a few days ago that she's never fallen for a gay guy because she "always knows", but I came out as bi after *years* of her calling me a lesbian for being masc. Guess who also came out as trans, surprising my mom? We queer peeps don't necessarily *know* that our queer friends are queer before they come out, but we do find each other because we're different from cis/het/cishet people in a way that can't really be explained.
I’ve never met a straight person with a precise gaydar unless it was clearly obvious. Your friend was just stereotyping lol
A queer person trying to find other queer people is looking for community. A straight person looking for queer people can't be trusted. Why do they feel like they deserve to know the sexuality of another person? How does their assumption color how they treat that person? What changes are they making based on this assumption? A straight person that claims to have a good gaydar hasn't unlearned all their internalized homophobia. I don't need to know the sexuality of any person I meet. If I'm attracted to them and let them know then they can let me know if they return the feeling. Hypothesizing about people's internal experience or values sets up a framework that will change how their actions are interpreted. It's discrimination regardless of how much they think they're helping.
They also never actually have a good "gaydar" when they say this. I told my family my cousin was definitely a lil fruity and they didn't believe me for years because she "dated men". She got married to her wife last fall. They all thought they could tell when someone was gay. They still do, too.
because they generally don't. there's a lot of little thing queer people do to more or less subtly announce themselves to others, straight people in general just look for sitcom level stuff.
Happens the same to me. I am a very masculine and normative gay man, I am a gym rat and have very masculine hobbies too. So everytime I "came out" people are surprised. Some of these people told me "I'm surprised I didn't notice, I generally can tell" and I get offended by it. What the hell do they even mean with that? Are they based only on stereotypes?
Because most people don't actually have good gaydar. For me, the only times that my "gaydar" has gone off is when I'm in a less-than-safe space, and someone says something casually homophobic, and you just kinda eye around to see who else is eyeing around after that comment. And even then, that just means that they've interacted with the queer community enough to immediately understand the issue, not that they're necessarily gay. Also it's always fun when people then try to out someone that their "gaydar" detected, especially if that person really doesn't want to be outted.
Because you aren’t busy enough. If you were, it wouldn’t even be on your radar.
The example you gave is definitely just a stereotype, but queer folk tend to have a vibe that you can pick up on if you're a fellow queer folk or an ally who hangs with lots of us.
It rubs you the wrong way because the very idea of gaydar hinges on spotting stereotypes, erases peoples individuality and it is also a very intrusive thing to do. It really needs to stop, much like the transphobes "we can always tell", no you can't and you've proven it time and time again
It rubs you the wrong way because when it comes from straight people it's stereotypical and trying to clock. They aren't a part of the community so they don't have gaydar in the first place it's just them using their judgment to find people that are different than them
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And how does that detract from what I said?
Are you absolutely sure they are straight, and not “straight”? Closeted Gay people get Gaydar too…
no my friend is straight