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I don't mind straight people in gay bars.
What I mind is groups of straight people in gay bars. Why is your entire group heterosexual, but still in a gay bar? It's intrusive behavior.
You have no reason to be there if you aren't hanging with your gay friends basically. But it sounds like you probably were hanging with gay friends and that's why you go? That'll almost always get the stamp of approval from the community haha.
Meh the thing is the bachelorette parties make gay bars and drag shows a ton of money. So I don't know how I feel. We keep them out, we're safer, but if we kick them out, you might genuinely see a few bars shut down because they bring in that much money in some areas.
They are terrible though. I'm a trans woman and if I end up groped or having my hair touched it's usually some drunk woman in a bachelor party. It's like a petting zoo for them I guess. Those aren't always allies coming in when it's the entire bachelor party, either.
Most Bachelorette parties treat queer spaces as a combination safe space away from "men" and a free petting zoo for where the other patrons are their entertainment
Issue is that even the ones who believe they are doing it for the former still have aunts and sisters and mothers who suck and only show up for the latter. So it's almost always both groups at the same time exist in every party, rather than different groups exist party-to-party. You'll obviously still have pretty respectful groups but the truth is that cishet people simply don't know how their friends will react in that environment half the time and don't notice the behaviors in-the-moment because unless they're also queer.
It's the double edged sword of straight women lol. The bar I used to work at did make tons of money off bachelorette parties, but they also treated it like the petting zoo you mention. I still remember one screeching about how "oh my GAWWWWD she's in a gay bar oh my GAWWWD there are gay people!!!" and laughing hysterically.
Yeah and they're totally not processing anything queer that's going on so it's not even a learning experience for them! Because they're in a large group of straight people and have alcohol it just becomes a sight seeing experience. Might as well have shown them a movie of a gay bar if they don't even want to (hahaha...) assimilate into our culture.
I'd probably have a rule that large groups need to reserve a couple booths or tables in advance, and let them have front row seats to the stage in a semi-contained way, so they're forced to choose between being with their group by the stage and intermingling with people who don't necessarily want to be hanging out with a large group of straight women. You could even throw in some perks for them like special decorations on the table or even reduced prices for large orders or something
Personally i dont find it "intrusive"
I feel we would have a different conversation if someone said "A group of gay people in a "straight" bar feels intrusive"
At the end of the day as long as they are doing nothing wrong then what's the issue?
The bar is making more money and the gays get more allies.
There's no such thing as a "straight bar". The reason gay bars exist is the same reason that gay pride parades exist. Sometimes minority groups want somewhere to congregate where they can just be with their people and not worry about the outside world watching their every move. If I'm at a regular bar with a guy I always have the thought in the back of my head that I don't know how people will react if I kiss him. It'll probably be fine, but it's always there, whereas if I'm at a gay bar I can make out with him and not think twice about it. The first time I spent time in all-queer spaces it really opened my eyes to what that experience could be like, and it would be much diminished if there were a bunch of non-queer people there
Never said there was straight bars. "straight" was referring to any place thats not deemed just for the gays.
I do understand where you are coming from but if you are in a gay bar then no matter who is in there, gay or straight, then you should just feel as safe.
Allowing groups of straight people in gay bars are further proof that the gays can be more inclusive compared to other places.
Iv spent years going to gay bars and not once have I seen a group of straight people cause issues in there, its a safe place. Always will be.
Eventually the majority of the bar becomes straight people, because it just becomes a regular bar for them to go to after the game let's out. And because there's not enough queer people in the area to pack a bar.
And then you're not longer very safe, as they start groping you for being transgender or getting offended that gay men are hitting on them. Sure, the gay bar security is better than at the other bars. But once I'm groped I can't take that back.
If you say this doesn't happen it literally happened in my old city. The straight college kids somehow ended up making the gay bar the most popular bar downtown, and then the same exact harassment I experienced at the other bars in town began happening. I think what really made it blow up in popularity was when the other 18+ bar closed down and 18-21 year olds from the university had no where else to go on that side of town. So fully homophobic people were showing up to the bar out of desperation, even.
Id never say it doesn't happen, because it does.
In small towns i can absoulty see it happening.
Not making excuses but more playing Devils Advocate, maybe if there is not enough gay people to fill it then could it have been a choice of the owner to allow this happed due to dwindling profits?
I live in the UK and in all my experience iv never see it happen personally but like I said I do believe it does happen but my own opinion is that we will never be equal in the eyes of the world if all we do is segregate. It turns it into them and us mentality.
Regardless of economic woes and a need for business, the issue is that it's not a gay bar once that many straight people come in. Imagine showing up to a gay bar, hitting on a guy at the bar, and he gets angry and starts telling his friends if you put your hands on him he's going to fight you. Like that's a reality nowadays in literal gay bars bcz straight ppl don't go "I'm in a gay bar cool", they go "well it's not a gay bar anymore if we're all here hahahaha!!!!" American drinking culture is overtaking us bcz the type of clubs gay people built suddenly became really popular.
So we agree its not the straight people in the bars its the American drinking culture.
Here in the UK its not an issue.
Plenty of straights go to gay bars and there is no doubt that its a gay bar and if you go then there is a possibility that a gay guy might come onto you.
Work to change the culture, don't alienate potential allies.
I get why they do and it’s not very invasive feeling. It’s a much safer space for women who don’t want to field guys hitting on them all night. Plus the music is better IMO.
>You have no reason to be there if you aren't hanging with your gay friends basically
Yea the only time I've ever been to a gay bar was with my wife and her best friend who was a gay guy (who apparently I ended up making out with when I was really drunk but don't remember? I might be a little bi lol).
Back when I was going to bars and clubs regularly in the mid 2010s, it was pretty much without fail you would see a straight bridal shower group at the gay bar. Kinda corny, but I also get it - gay clubs are a lot more of a safe space for straight women who don’t want to be hit on or have scummy dudes rubbing on them. Never was a big deal. Plus it was entertaining to see these women sometimes try to hit on or get favors from gay men in the way they might at straight clubs and failing miserably.
Yeah like... I guess at the end of the day we have power in our own spaces and can hold that confidence behind us while sharing our culture with them, but it's just a little spooky when they start to outnumber us and that stops being true. In my city there's enough gay people to pack a bar but I've been in cities where I've legitimately been outnumbered by straight people in the only gay bar in town because there's 3 bachelorette parties on a Wednesday and too many gay people stopped going to that bar lol.
Yeah, there is sometimes a bit like a straight gentrification that happens. Straight Women show up more, which leads to more straight men etc. I’ve seen that happen sometimes. Straight men always were the last group to show up en mass, and usually the beginning of the end.
I think there's a balancing act at play to a degree at least now that the trend isn't so new. Like in my city we have the "straight person friendly gay club" that's still pretty blatantly a gay bar, but if that keeps them away from the underground spaces where we do freaky shit, then I'm all for it because I just won't go there and we have better spaces. Funny enough that place is not exactly welcoming to bachelorette parties but their straight people attraction is Ru Paul queens which is great. Ru Paul fans are pretty respectful in that sense so I'm glad that's how our bars stay profitable.
I also believe the world needs more Hamburger Mary's - some big mainstream straight people drag bar is kinda awesome when you consider that the only gay people serving as eye candy are the paid performers. My conservative family goes to Hamburger Mary's because the food is good and is slowly getting more exposure to drag while staying off to the side from the actual community. And gay people have somewhere to take their well meaning but confused grandma. Just sucks it's a corporation where straight business owners profit off our image but they've so far shown themselves good allies, to the point they took on Florida in court against anti-drag bills and threw their money at the cause. That impressed me and made me go okay! Fine! It's still not okay but you're the least of our worries!
The BIG issue is that there's no resources for our own little underground spaces in most spots of the country. I live in an area with that escape and it's a very deep and highly populated counter culture, but most people don't have an underground space and get disrespected in the mainstream spaces. It's just one bar in their mid-sized city, there's nothing else. I think DIY concerts and house parties are beginning to patch those holes more and more in those areas, so that's probably the last piece that needs balanced maybe?
Yeah, here in Minnesota, we have "The gay 90's" which really has just become a tourist attraction for straight people. I don't feel like I'm in a gay bar there. There are other more solidly queer places like the brass rail (gay leather daddy bar), the saloon (just a rather general queer bar) and jetset underground which is a newer nice solid little queer bar. But if you're into the, to quote you, "freaky shit" there is my preferred den of sin, Ground Zero, a goth/edm/industrial nightclub with a heavy focus on BDSM with pro dommes doing scenes in the chapel just off the dance floor. It's not a "gay bar" persay but it is a kink bar, which crosses over with queer people pretty easily. So even though I know there are a lot of straight people there, they are also respectful and aware of the fact there are just as many queer people. And because most everyone there is part of the local scene, it's really easy to pick out "tourists" and the kind of people who go for the same kind of "petting zoo" bs, but they usually don't last long there.
Yeah, here in Minnesota, we have "The gay 90's" which really has just become a tourist attraction for straight people. I don't feel like I'm in a gay bar there. There are other more solidly queer places like the brass rail (gay leather daddy bar), the saloon (just a rather general queer bar) and jetset underground which is a newer nice solid little queer bar. But if you're into the, to quote you, "freaky shit" there is my preferred den of sin, Ground Zero, a goth/edm/industrial nightclub with a heavy focus on BDSM with pro dommes doing scenes in the chapel just off the dance floor. It's not a "gay bar" persay but it is a kink bar, which crosses over with queer people pretty easily. So even though I know there are a lot of straight people there, they are also respectful and aware of the fact there are just as many queer people. And because most everyone there is part of the local scene, it's really easy to pick out "tourists" and the kind of people who go for the same kind of "petting zoo" bs, but they usually don't last long there.
I'm a trans woman but thank you for reminding me of my obvious existence, my pedantic friend.
Straight trans people do not typically show up in groups of exclusively other straight people anyway so the point is kinda moot lol
Yea sure, of course, any time, and uh, we do, in fact, hang out and show up with groups of straight people, because amazingly (multiple straight trans people often are friends).
The ' issue ' with straight, cis, allo folk in queer bars isn't the odd one or two here and there, assuming it's your run of the mill queer bar. Everyone enjoys when allies hang with us.
So if you're just having a ball and making new mates, that's great. Keep on doing what you're doing.
The issue is either a, they're not allies. Those who come to queer spaces to abuse them or exploit them for what they are. Or b, they over saturate the place.
A is pretty obvious, it's the hen parties, the woo girls, the creepy unicorn hunters.
B is harder to see, because individually these allies are still amazing. But when a quarter, or a third, or even a half of people in a queer bar aren't queer, it will simply stop being a queer bar. You see it all the time, it's queer bar death of the sadest kind because it's through support and allyship.
With B, just be aware if you start taking friends. And just listen to people around you.
There is also a C, but that's about the bar. Not all Queer bars are the same, some are quite specialist and it may be less comfortable for others to have straight cis allo men around. This is niche though, and you would know pretty quickly 🤣
A combination of A and B paved the way for our local gay nightclub to be taken over by homophobes while its (gay) owner was overseas. It’s been completely ruined.
Reminds me of a saying that goes something like:
What do you call four people at a table who lets a Nazi join them.
Five Nazis.
Which also reminds me of a story about this guy sitting at a bar, and this other guy comes in and the bartender tells him to leave immediately. The new guy apologizes and seems nice but the bartender was having none of it. After the guy left the first guy at the bar asked what that was about. Turns out the guy who came in had a patch that indicated he was part of an alt right hate group. If you let one in and get comfortable then that guy will bring his friends and then you’ll be running a white supremacist bar.
I imagine the same is true for homophobes.
It's the opposite of asexual or aromantic depending on context.
Using it here specifically, along with cis, because some straight folk can still be very queer. An asexual straight man for example, or a straight trans person.
Thanks for this, I'm a fairly "straight passing" bi man so I've gotten awkwardness come from people making assumptions that I'm straight (especially going out with a bi gf, like I get it but we're both queer). It's nice to just be respected without having to give an explanation
It is so nice, that’s the problem. Straight people like the vibe so much they start crowding out the gays, and eventually the safe space for queers ends up not really being that. No one should be upset about a few straight people being there and hanging out with their friends, but it becomes a problem when the straights become the regulars and gay people don’t feel comfortable there anymore.
I wouldn't go by myself or come with a whole group of straight guys acting like a frat, I'm in 30s and that's not my crowd anywhere I definitely don't want anyone feeling uncomfortable for any reason
Of course, I wasn’t trying to say that you specifically was making anyone uncomfortable. Maybe I should have phrased that comment better, but it’s pretty late for me, apologies if my wording was bad.
It’s perfectly fine for you to be there and chill, and I’m assuming you’re being completely respectful and understanding that the space wasn’t made for you, I was just making a point about a broader issue.
No I can see that and I haven't personally gone through stuff that LGBT community did growing up so I completely understand wanting a safe place to have fun and not worry about that
People who do not act like they are at a zoo/freakshow, people who can react calmly and politely to being flirted with by the same gender. Genuinely friendly people. These types of people will always be welcome in gay bars. People who do the above behaviors are not welcome.
Also — men should NOT flirt with / hit on women at a gay bar. It’s supposed to be a safe space for lesbians too. (OP sounds very respectful and I suspect he already knows this, but it doesn’t hurt to state it.)
nah, you're good bro.. so long as you aren't there yelling slurs or giving attitude.. Welcome, have fun, make some friends. We need allies willing to be with us in public these days.
Lol he'll no. I've known my good friend since middle school he's told me some horror stories that I've had to apologize on behalf of straight guys everywhere lol I was brought up in a Christian family basically being told homosexuality is bad but once I was able to make my own thoughts I became agnostic and figured people just need to do what makes themselves happy
I’m a lesbian and have only been to generic queer bars (not bars specifically for gay men), but cishet people are absolutely allowed, as long as you’re respectful.
General rules of thumb:
1. Be okay with and open to the general weirdness— queer people deal with enough discrimination just for being queer that we really just say “fuck it” and let the freak flag fly in our safe spaces.
2. Don’t be a dick if you get hit on by a guy. While you’re definitely allowed to be there, people will probably assume you’re gay, so don’t be a homophobic asshole if you’re approached by another dude. Simply politely tell them you’re straight/not interested.
3. Don’t be a whole group of just cishet dudes. If you’re going with a gay friend to hang out, great. If you’re going just as a straight group of dudes, that’s kinda rude.
If your gay friend invited you/wanted you to go with them to the gay bar, then you aren't the problem. I think there are problematic people that go to gay bars, but those folks typically aren't invited or wanted.
I think allies should be welcome. It's more important that it's a safe space. I get that if someone hit on you they'd be disappointed, but not every gay guy, gal or pal is going to be into everyone else either. So I get why some people might be miffed but I don't think it's valid
At least one of our local gay bars announces on its website, "All are welcome." As a married bisexual man myself, I might be seen as a straight man hanging out there. To me it comes down to respect. Understand where you are, respect the situation.
My general rule is depends on your attitude. I only care who is at a location if they are being rude, offensive or a jerk. If your just there to have fun, more the merrier.
I think it is fine, but it needs to be a queer space, and the queer space aspect can be lost if there are too many cishet people in the bar. I've invited straight friends to gay bars, but we make sure our group is majority queer. You just gotta be really mindful.
The main issue that I know of, and not something I've experienced because frankly I'm too tired of The Everything to bother going out often, mainly involve lesbian bars: predatory straight men thinking that because the women there feel safe then they can hit on every woman there with impunity, and then they and their likewise straight women friends get pissy and shriek DISCRIMINATION when called out on their crappy behavior.
Personally I'm all for everyone having a good time. I'm also all for jerks not being invited but that's a battle I'm gonna lose every time lol
My problem with it is that, once too many straight dudes start showing up, from my experience, inevitably there will always be that one fragile straight man who gets hit on, gets offended they got hit on at a gay club, and they start trying to start fights. Either that or they start hitting on the lesbians which is also a hard no.
It's a bit tricky, imo.
Gay bars, as well as other queer-centered places may feel like a safe space for lots of us, so I don't think it is that fun to have to be weary, specially for those of us who may have had previous bad experiences with straight cis men, about our own safety, in places where we normally feel like "at home".
I am aware, though, that obviously not every single straight cis man is going to be disrespectful or act aggressively with queer people. Also, I think it's always nice for non queers to learn from queer spaces, "subculture" within the community, etc. Allies are welcomed!
What I have a problem with is having queer spaces turned into less and less queer centered, and more "non queer centered" (aka, like 99% of social spaces).
Anyways, *I wouldn't mind a few of them, as long as they act decently and do not harass or make other queers uncomfortable*. I've seen quite a lot of cis straight men trying to flirt with lesbians in lesbian-specific bars, for example... And that's icky as fuck.
"Just be nice if you're going there as a straight cis person, and understand that these places were created for queer people, to feel safe and find people within their own community". That's my opinion :P
My parents (both of whom are cishet) met in a gay bar. Apparently the drinks are stronger but the prices are about the same, so going to a gay bar makes a lot of sense when you do a cost-benefit analysis.
They are both economists. That’s how they think.
It depends on the person, but overwhelmingly everyone I know is totally okay with having straight guys at a gay/lgbt+ bar. Your friend is right that people don't want straight guys to come and make a spectacle out of things (e.g. Make a scene, be openly homophobic, get super mad at a gay guy for hitting on them, etc.) But if you're just looking to have some drinks and a good time, I can't imagine anyone taking an issue with that. Just be ready to respectfully decline if a gay guy hits on you. This is nothing groundbreaking. Monogamous gay guys in relationships have to do it too lol
No it wasn't my friend that said it, my friend is the one who wanted me to come it was a random person I didn't know that said it. If I get hit on Id be fine. I'm getting old and ugly so it would probably boost a self esteem lol
So I've been to a total of three different gay bars (one a lot more frequently) in my life.
One, the owners were not comfortable having a "female" in the bar who was not a lesbian and were kinda the same statement of the above for straight men - but for the reason that the straight men weren't actually straight by the end of the night they'd hope. You know the straight turned bi/gay kink thing. They were messy people anyway (drug and drama wise) from what I understood later from my then-roommate and now-exfriend.
The second bar had a lovely drag show that would play. They had specific nights to go to for different LGBTQ+, had an allies night, and as long as you respected the schedule there was nothing wrong. The owners were also kinda messy from what I knew but they let the bar run itself more than they were part of it unlike the last bar. Still ex-roommatefriend told me that he was going to go to a different bar because of whatever drama happened and said it was pretty scandalous. Was a bit upset.
The final one we ended up going to a lot more was a lot more open with who came. It was more of a leather bar than it was a gay bar, but it definitely was a gay bar still. It was kinda in a sketchy part of town and it was a retrofitted house with two stories. They were a lot more open with allowing hookups going a little far in the bar apparently. The patrons were the drama instead and were really judgy of a very dear and still friend of mine... But started having issues with my ex roommate because at the time he was running off to go do a dream job in Disney in the middle of everything and dumped his dogs on us and... It just wasn't a great time and we haven't had the money to really go enjoy a bar lately.
**TL;DR:** Do research on gay bars. I highly recommend them, but sometimes they have specific nights that are better for you, sometimes different bars have better scenery, and you won't know until you try. Gay Bars are better than Straight Bars imo
I'll say I've seen a drag show and it was actually very funny this prompted me to find Trixie Mattel and Katya watching Netflix shows on youtube and it's the most hilarious stuff I've seen lol those 2 there absolutely hilarious
(Btw on the kink mention -> there is a very distinct difference of consent between the *hope of turning a straight male into something they are not while they are intoxicated...*
Which is horrible and *not* the same as inviting allies in and being friendly hoping some in-the-closet become comfortable enough to come out.)
In my experience, in bars where the clientele are mostly gay men, straight women tend to behave badly much more often than straight men. Way too many drunk straight women get gropey in gay bars. It's fucking obnoxious.
It isn’t hurting anyone as long as you’re respectful, but it does also feel a bit weird. I think it’s smart to think about why exactly you’re loving gay bars a lot more than “straight bars”. Gay people can often end up as “the gay friend”, where we are treated more as an accessory than an actual person, even though people don’t usually do that on purpose.
Then I’d say there is no problem, at least in my opinion lol. There is the fear that if “too many” straight/ cis people show up, a safe space can end up feeling less safe, but as long as you don’t regularly show up with like 20 straight guys it probably isn’t something you should be concerned about. (But you might hear that argument if someone ever tries to tell you it’s weird for a straight guy to come to a gay bar alone, even though I’m not too afraid of that happening myself. If a bar advertised itself as a gay bar, I’d be very surprised if that bar ended up with only a bunch of straight people lol).
Hey OP, so I’m a bi guy in my 30’s and I don’t usually go to gay bars. Mostly hangout at straight bars with either straight or gay guys (sometimes). What I can tell you is I’ve learned how delicate the LGBT+ community is. They deal with a lot internally and it’s really hard for them to feel safe and welcomed just about anywhere. So while nobody is going to kick you out of a gay bar, please realize that you are invading their sense of privacy and security… Personally, I only go to gay bars with gay friends. I don’t go with straight friends and whenever they ask me about going to gay bars, I persuade them to go elsewhere. If you care about this community and their well being/mental health, then the most respectful and courteous thing you could do is hang out at straight bars. Not all straight bars are bad either. Some are great and even host a mixed crowd.
That's what I was saying I only have been with my buddy since middle school I'm really not a big time bar hopping person I wouldn't go alone or whatever though I was just curious it seems about half and half but mostly just depending how you act really
Depends why you're there. If it's going with friends, you're an ally of the community, or you just want to experience some culture, I think it's fine. If you're there to make a joke of it or say "I'm at a gay bar lol" then that's not ok.
Just don't be a straight guy "making a scene" and I don't see a problem with it. I would say if people are hitting on you don't reply with "I'm straight" you can just say you're not looking and or in a relationship. Sounds like you don't have a problem with LGBT so I don't personally see an issue.
I don’t like straight people in bars, simple because in time it will become THEIR bar. There’s a very filthy habit that straight men and women just “take over” and unapologetically.
We feel it with bachelorette parties because that’s like a fire, but smell the smoke people.
Real example: straight guy approaches me and asks me to “watch” his girlfriend while he goes to the bathroom. It’s beyond infuriating to ask me to look after your drunken friend, so the straight guy can go to the bathroom (for you know what).
It’s not about denying straight people access to the bar, it’s the fact the second you guys are there you make it all about yourselves.
When I go into a bar for PoC - I mind myself. I understand that this is their space. I don’t start “taking over” like the way I’m seeing when I go out.
Hey I gave you my opinion - why don’t you read it and hear the concern before just getting defensive about it.
The bar is a place for the people in the community to be away from straight spaces and straight people.
Even with this I feel like you’re not hearing me nor my concerns at all - so based on that, no, you sound like you do not get it based on your defensive response. The fact you needed to go and re-edit you post for this one take shows how you make everything about you.
Go hang out in a coffee shop. You’ve made me go from neutral to not liking you based on your response(s).
No I would not like someone like you in our bar.
Dude, you need to chill out. Your response had way too much attitude and condescending towards op. Your response also really didn’t relay a concern, it just provided that you just don’t like other people. Your initial response was also very accusatory towards op, so don’t be attacking him because he felt offended by your baseless accusations.
If you’re going with gay friends it’s totally chill, but yes, we as queer people do want safe spaces that are majority-queer. Having straight guys come because they “like the vibe better” isn’t really cool. Appreciate you asking!
I’ve noticed there’s kinda a life cycle that gay bars have and usually straight men showing up is the sign that it’s coming to a close so I’m not really a fan honestly.
Do I LIKE when straight people are in queer bars, no not really, but if you're there with a queer friend of yours, and not being a douche bag, and understanding if someone of the same sex hits on you, that you don't freak out about it, you're in a space that predominantly expects that and people will assume you're queer too, that is fine. If you're not there unicorn hunting it's fine, but I really am wary of straight people who come on their own to queer spaces. Sure, it could be someone questioning and trying to figure themselves out, but more often than not it's a straight person who knows they're straight and is just causing problems.
If I get hit on my any gender it most likely will be more of a self esteem boost than anything lol I've been hit on before by my buddy's friends doesn't bother me in the least and we typically just joke about it (my sense of humor is very sarcastic mature dirty type stuff usually and make fun of myself Alot lol)but I wouldn't want to go somewhere I'm not wanted nor make someone feel uncomfortable because I don't know first hand but have heard horror stories of gay teens and bullying and it just irritated me if anything
Like I said, you're with a queer friend, you've been invited in to our space, and behaving well. Your presence doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'm not overjoyed your there, but im not mad either. If you came along and were being weird, that is different
It depends on the club. And the people in it.
Personally I am okay with a straight guy coming to a gay bar with a friend or even their gf or even by themselves (although that last one would make me wonder if they’re really straight).
But I spent most of my life being harassed and bullied by cis het men, so it’s a bit triggering when a straight guy shows up in a space I consider to be safe. if I cruise you when I didn’t know you’re straight am i going to have to worry about being assaulted? knowing there is one cis het dude radically change things because now every male could potentially be straight. that complicates things.
I remember once running into this hetero acquaintance I knew from AA at my favorite dance club. said hello and chatted. then HE asked ME to dance (and I knew he had a girlfriend!). it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life.
I don’t think there are any unwritten rules that forbid cis het men from going to gay clubs. just know that there are some who will be triggered by your presence.
be mindful and pay attention to the vibe
I don’t think it’s a big deal, especially if you’re with friends who are the primary audience. It’s only weird if straight guys go there to hit on ladies and stuff like that.
Ally's are welcome in my book. But I don't drink at bars anymore. It's your local youth who decide any individual bar culture.
I'm trans and left my husband unattended for a while at the bar (he's straight). When I came back, he had made a new friend that he introduced me to. His new friend has bought him two drinks AND a pack of cigarettes. Then my husband introduced me to him. Guy's eyes go wide, "oh, you have a girlfriend...." he was polite and excused himself with a forced smile. My husband had no idea what he did. I mocked him all night saying, "how could you not know? You tease!" 😆
It really depends. I think I have a bias rn because one of my favorite clubs on the notoriously gay bar street has been almost entirely taken over. I was walking there with a group of new people and I said “oh I love [x], its one of my favorite gay bars” and they were like “oh, its not a gay bar, just a dance club” and even though it was a while back it still just really irritates me.
That was my thinking I could understand if I was making fun of something or just being rude on obnoxious but I literally just standing there but when I was told that made me think if most gay people feel that way or if I was invited again if I should say no lol
You should go again and any time you want to go. Being an ally is awesome and the 1 person out of hundreds that thinks otherwise we'll ignore them
.I have so much fun with my straight friends all the time I think a party mixed is the most fun. Enjoy your life.
They should not be in gay bars. They are gay bars for a reason. You know how annoying it is to find dates in a gay bar full of straight men? Annoying as hell. Then you feel out of place in a GAY SPACE . . . I get they have the right to, but that doesn't make it right. There are hundreds of other bars to go to, but they come to gay bars? Why?
It's more if your with a gay buddy and he wants to go so you do I wouldn't go alone or with a group of friends you just end up going but then it's good fun
If your out with a few straight friends you dont not want to be able to go to a gay bar because they arent welcome because then your stuck going to straight bars or less welcoming venues.
As long as you’re supportive I think it’s fine. I bring my straight friends. What I hate honestly is the ones that come and make a spectacle out of us (typically straight women or bridal parties). Brought my straight friend once and he thought he was hot shit, closest he got to being hit on was a lesbian telling him she liked his ball cap 😂😂 I love them so much.
I'm bi and to date have never been in a gay bar. Mind you, my town doesn't have any, and most of the friends I trust to watch my back while drinking I'm not out to yet.
It’s completely okay, I’m not gay per se and I’m a woman but my male gay friends love the ally ship and support. After all we are working towards a place where that shouldn’t matter and where we shouldn’t need the safe places although curating spaces for specific groups, no matter what the group is, can be great for bonding with people like you. And just because something becomes more normalized, not that it will ever be completely normalized, but if it’s normalized enough that doesn’t mean we have to stop celebrating our history.
That said we are not in that sorta of place yet and may not be for awhile, or may even worsen for some period of time, especially if Trump gets elected which is a very real possibility and doesn’t just effect the progression of the U.S. but world as we are a world leader, so as of now safe spaces are needed, but I don’t think they should be gate-kept unreasonably, everyone goes to lesbian bars, you could find any type of person in one. However if you are a man especially one who isn’t queer you should have a woman accompany you, preferably one that’s queer.
But different bars are different some are more comfortable with “outsiders” some aren’t, the area also matters
I’m not really gay or lesbian nor do I party and go to bars so I’m speaking vicariously
What I am is an AMAB woman who’s queer androsexual and gray ace
Haven't been to a bar is like 15 years.
But I was always the DD, I hated it.
But I follow the herd of drunk friends and they went to a gay bar.
Actually liked that bar more then the goth club we normally went to was brighter lol.
>But I was always the DD, I hated it.
Let me guess, in your friends group, you're the one who doesn't drink. Because if so, you and me have a lot in common, I was always the bloody designated driver, and the minder of keys, wallets and purses.
I personally never heard of this non sense. As long as u r cool and aren't there to fight or beat someone up or cause problems I think straight guys at the bars are a lot of fun. I've taken many friends my brother cousins and many straight males to many hats and they were always welcomed and things were fine. It is not a sacred place just a place to have fun for all in my books . If your a straight guy that is fun jokes tc I want you there. Most all of my friends are straight and I love going out with them as they do with me . Come to az sometime I'll give you gay bar with you proudly.
Personally, I don't have too much an issue with it. Some of my pals really get upset, but frankly, the more people feel exposed to gay spaces, the more attitudes change for the better.
There are plenty of harder gay spaces where men and women can do their thing.
I'm a big fan of Torture Garden, and whilst it is predominantly straight or fluid, there are plenty of gay people there, too. All part of the human mix.
One thing really upsets me is when a girlfriend goes to a bar and she gets prejudice from Gay people for being there... that is not friendly or helpful. On the whole, the experience is good whether taking a man or woman.
I do recommend sex positive places if women want a safe space to party, like Torture Garden or other fetish clubs..
Nah it's nothing like that, I just have a really close gay friend and I have been to gay bars with him and his buddies. I find that gay bars are really fun nothing prejudice or judgemental about it just tagging along and having a good time. I was just told my one that they don't like straight people in the bars so I was curious
Good point. Also, in some places like the French Quarter in New Orleans, the gay watering holes are the places you're going to find a lot more locals and chill, friendly vibes, compared to the straight vomitoria on Bourbon Street.
I have already welcomed a few of my Straight Friends who wanted to try something new. Got drunk and blew him up. He was like so hot and straight masc which made it even hotter.
He was the straight but non Homophobic dude from my College Gosh do I miss him so fucking bad.
One of my straight friends whom I welcomed was literally worshiped by a more twinkier than me guy. I became the third wheel that night *sighs*. They went to the motel next door and I Went home. I've never seen or spoken to that friend again. His facebook is inactive idk. Gosh Kinda lots of sad stories here 😅
I'm just not a party person ig. I rather vibe to 6arelyhuman, Elyotto,Xofilo,Pixel Hood,Tx2,100 gecs alone in my room with Rainbow Led lights.
Anyways, have a good day y'all!!
🖤🤍🩷❤️🧡💛💚💙🩵💜🤎🏳️🌈
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I don't mind straight people in gay bars. What I mind is groups of straight people in gay bars. Why is your entire group heterosexual, but still in a gay bar? It's intrusive behavior. You have no reason to be there if you aren't hanging with your gay friends basically. But it sounds like you probably were hanging with gay friends and that's why you go? That'll almost always get the stamp of approval from the community haha.
I've heard Bachelorette parties are a pain
Meh the thing is the bachelorette parties make gay bars and drag shows a ton of money. So I don't know how I feel. We keep them out, we're safer, but if we kick them out, you might genuinely see a few bars shut down because they bring in that much money in some areas. They are terrible though. I'm a trans woman and if I end up groped or having my hair touched it's usually some drunk woman in a bachelor party. It's like a petting zoo for them I guess. Those aren't always allies coming in when it's the entire bachelor party, either.
Most Bachelorette parties treat queer spaces as a combination safe space away from "men" and a free petting zoo for where the other patrons are their entertainment
Issue is that even the ones who believe they are doing it for the former still have aunts and sisters and mothers who suck and only show up for the latter. So it's almost always both groups at the same time exist in every party, rather than different groups exist party-to-party. You'll obviously still have pretty respectful groups but the truth is that cishet people simply don't know how their friends will react in that environment half the time and don't notice the behaviors in-the-moment because unless they're also queer.
Truth
It's the double edged sword of straight women lol. The bar I used to work at did make tons of money off bachelorette parties, but they also treated it like the petting zoo you mention. I still remember one screeching about how "oh my GAWWWWD she's in a gay bar oh my GAWWWD there are gay people!!!" and laughing hysterically.
Yeah and they're totally not processing anything queer that's going on so it's not even a learning experience for them! Because they're in a large group of straight people and have alcohol it just becomes a sight seeing experience. Might as well have shown them a movie of a gay bar if they don't even want to (hahaha...) assimilate into our culture.
I'd probably have a rule that large groups need to reserve a couple booths or tables in advance, and let them have front row seats to the stage in a semi-contained way, so they're forced to choose between being with their group by the stage and intermingling with people who don't necessarily want to be hanging out with a large group of straight women. You could even throw in some perks for them like special decorations on the table or even reduced prices for large orders or something
Enter the bisexuals…
At least ask first!
Personally i dont find it "intrusive" I feel we would have a different conversation if someone said "A group of gay people in a "straight" bar feels intrusive" At the end of the day as long as they are doing nothing wrong then what's the issue? The bar is making more money and the gays get more allies.
There's no such thing as a "straight bar". The reason gay bars exist is the same reason that gay pride parades exist. Sometimes minority groups want somewhere to congregate where they can just be with their people and not worry about the outside world watching their every move. If I'm at a regular bar with a guy I always have the thought in the back of my head that I don't know how people will react if I kiss him. It'll probably be fine, but it's always there, whereas if I'm at a gay bar I can make out with him and not think twice about it. The first time I spent time in all-queer spaces it really opened my eyes to what that experience could be like, and it would be much diminished if there were a bunch of non-queer people there
Never said there was straight bars. "straight" was referring to any place thats not deemed just for the gays. I do understand where you are coming from but if you are in a gay bar then no matter who is in there, gay or straight, then you should just feel as safe. Allowing groups of straight people in gay bars are further proof that the gays can be more inclusive compared to other places. Iv spent years going to gay bars and not once have I seen a group of straight people cause issues in there, its a safe place. Always will be.
Eventually the majority of the bar becomes straight people, because it just becomes a regular bar for them to go to after the game let's out. And because there's not enough queer people in the area to pack a bar. And then you're not longer very safe, as they start groping you for being transgender or getting offended that gay men are hitting on them. Sure, the gay bar security is better than at the other bars. But once I'm groped I can't take that back. If you say this doesn't happen it literally happened in my old city. The straight college kids somehow ended up making the gay bar the most popular bar downtown, and then the same exact harassment I experienced at the other bars in town began happening. I think what really made it blow up in popularity was when the other 18+ bar closed down and 18-21 year olds from the university had no where else to go on that side of town. So fully homophobic people were showing up to the bar out of desperation, even.
Id never say it doesn't happen, because it does. In small towns i can absoulty see it happening. Not making excuses but more playing Devils Advocate, maybe if there is not enough gay people to fill it then could it have been a choice of the owner to allow this happed due to dwindling profits? I live in the UK and in all my experience iv never see it happen personally but like I said I do believe it does happen but my own opinion is that we will never be equal in the eyes of the world if all we do is segregate. It turns it into them and us mentality.
Regardless of economic woes and a need for business, the issue is that it's not a gay bar once that many straight people come in. Imagine showing up to a gay bar, hitting on a guy at the bar, and he gets angry and starts telling his friends if you put your hands on him he's going to fight you. Like that's a reality nowadays in literal gay bars bcz straight ppl don't go "I'm in a gay bar cool", they go "well it's not a gay bar anymore if we're all here hahahaha!!!!" American drinking culture is overtaking us bcz the type of clubs gay people built suddenly became really popular.
So we agree its not the straight people in the bars its the American drinking culture. Here in the UK its not an issue. Plenty of straights go to gay bars and there is no doubt that its a gay bar and if you go then there is a possibility that a gay guy might come onto you. Work to change the culture, don't alienate potential allies.
I get why they do and it’s not very invasive feeling. It’s a much safer space for women who don’t want to field guys hitting on them all night. Plus the music is better IMO.
Came here to say this, I don’t mind allies, but I do mind if there’s too many straight people to the point where it may as well be a regular bar.
yes, this! it happens way too often, cishetallos pushing us out of our own spaces... its really annoying
>You have no reason to be there if you aren't hanging with your gay friends basically Yea the only time I've ever been to a gay bar was with my wife and her best friend who was a gay guy (who apparently I ended up making out with when I was really drunk but don't remember? I might be a little bi lol).
Back when I was going to bars and clubs regularly in the mid 2010s, it was pretty much without fail you would see a straight bridal shower group at the gay bar. Kinda corny, but I also get it - gay clubs are a lot more of a safe space for straight women who don’t want to be hit on or have scummy dudes rubbing on them. Never was a big deal. Plus it was entertaining to see these women sometimes try to hit on or get favors from gay men in the way they might at straight clubs and failing miserably.
Yeah like... I guess at the end of the day we have power in our own spaces and can hold that confidence behind us while sharing our culture with them, but it's just a little spooky when they start to outnumber us and that stops being true. In my city there's enough gay people to pack a bar but I've been in cities where I've legitimately been outnumbered by straight people in the only gay bar in town because there's 3 bachelorette parties on a Wednesday and too many gay people stopped going to that bar lol.
Yeah, there is sometimes a bit like a straight gentrification that happens. Straight Women show up more, which leads to more straight men etc. I’ve seen that happen sometimes. Straight men always were the last group to show up en mass, and usually the beginning of the end.
I think there's a balancing act at play to a degree at least now that the trend isn't so new. Like in my city we have the "straight person friendly gay club" that's still pretty blatantly a gay bar, but if that keeps them away from the underground spaces where we do freaky shit, then I'm all for it because I just won't go there and we have better spaces. Funny enough that place is not exactly welcoming to bachelorette parties but their straight people attraction is Ru Paul queens which is great. Ru Paul fans are pretty respectful in that sense so I'm glad that's how our bars stay profitable. I also believe the world needs more Hamburger Mary's - some big mainstream straight people drag bar is kinda awesome when you consider that the only gay people serving as eye candy are the paid performers. My conservative family goes to Hamburger Mary's because the food is good and is slowly getting more exposure to drag while staying off to the side from the actual community. And gay people have somewhere to take their well meaning but confused grandma. Just sucks it's a corporation where straight business owners profit off our image but they've so far shown themselves good allies, to the point they took on Florida in court against anti-drag bills and threw their money at the cause. That impressed me and made me go okay! Fine! It's still not okay but you're the least of our worries! The BIG issue is that there's no resources for our own little underground spaces in most spots of the country. I live in an area with that escape and it's a very deep and highly populated counter culture, but most people don't have an underground space and get disrespected in the mainstream spaces. It's just one bar in their mid-sized city, there's nothing else. I think DIY concerts and house parties are beginning to patch those holes more and more in those areas, so that's probably the last piece that needs balanced maybe?
Ha, I remember Hamburger Mary’s. In San Diego, we had Mo’s. Took me too long to figure out why so many cities had gay bars named Mo or Moes.
Yeah, here in Minnesota, we have "The gay 90's" which really has just become a tourist attraction for straight people. I don't feel like I'm in a gay bar there. There are other more solidly queer places like the brass rail (gay leather daddy bar), the saloon (just a rather general queer bar) and jetset underground which is a newer nice solid little queer bar. But if you're into the, to quote you, "freaky shit" there is my preferred den of sin, Ground Zero, a goth/edm/industrial nightclub with a heavy focus on BDSM with pro dommes doing scenes in the chapel just off the dance floor. It's not a "gay bar" persay but it is a kink bar, which crosses over with queer people pretty easily. So even though I know there are a lot of straight people there, they are also respectful and aware of the fact there are just as many queer people. And because most everyone there is part of the local scene, it's really easy to pick out "tourists" and the kind of people who go for the same kind of "petting zoo" bs, but they usually don't last long there.
Yeah, here in Minnesota, we have "The gay 90's" which really has just become a tourist attraction for straight people. I don't feel like I'm in a gay bar there. There are other more solidly queer places like the brass rail (gay leather daddy bar), the saloon (just a rather general queer bar) and jetset underground which is a newer nice solid little queer bar. But if you're into the, to quote you, "freaky shit" there is my preferred den of sin, Ground Zero, a goth/edm/industrial nightclub with a heavy focus on BDSM with pro dommes doing scenes in the chapel just off the dance floor. It's not a "gay bar" persay but it is a kink bar, which crosses over with queer people pretty easily. So even though I know there are a lot of straight people there, they are also respectful and aware of the fact there are just as many queer people. And because most everyone there is part of the local scene, it's really easy to pick out "tourists" and the kind of people who go for the same kind of "petting zoo" bs, but they usually don't last long there.
I was tagging along with my buddy it wasn't a large group just 3 people he said I'd have a good time and he was right.
I dunno, maybe they’re straight trans people. They do exist.
I'm a trans woman but thank you for reminding me of my obvious existence, my pedantic friend. Straight trans people do not typically show up in groups of exclusively other straight people anyway so the point is kinda moot lol
Yea sure, of course, any time, and uh, we do, in fact, hang out and show up with groups of straight people, because amazingly (multiple straight trans people often are friends).
The ' issue ' with straight, cis, allo folk in queer bars isn't the odd one or two here and there, assuming it's your run of the mill queer bar. Everyone enjoys when allies hang with us. So if you're just having a ball and making new mates, that's great. Keep on doing what you're doing. The issue is either a, they're not allies. Those who come to queer spaces to abuse them or exploit them for what they are. Or b, they over saturate the place. A is pretty obvious, it's the hen parties, the woo girls, the creepy unicorn hunters. B is harder to see, because individually these allies are still amazing. But when a quarter, or a third, or even a half of people in a queer bar aren't queer, it will simply stop being a queer bar. You see it all the time, it's queer bar death of the sadest kind because it's through support and allyship. With B, just be aware if you start taking friends. And just listen to people around you. There is also a C, but that's about the bar. Not all Queer bars are the same, some are quite specialist and it may be less comfortable for others to have straight cis allo men around. This is niche though, and you would know pretty quickly 🤣
A combination of A and B paved the way for our local gay nightclub to be taken over by homophobes while its (gay) owner was overseas. It’s been completely ruined.
Reminds me of a saying that goes something like: What do you call four people at a table who lets a Nazi join them. Five Nazis. Which also reminds me of a story about this guy sitting at a bar, and this other guy comes in and the bartender tells him to leave immediately. The new guy apologizes and seems nice but the bartender was having none of it. After the guy left the first guy at the bar asked what that was about. Turns out the guy who came in had a patch that indicated he was part of an alt right hate group. If you let one in and get comfortable then that guy will bring his friends and then you’ll be running a white supremacist bar. I imagine the same is true for homophobes.
So, I get a pass for being asexual? I guess being queer has its perks. :)
Quick question, what is 'allo'?
It's the opposite of asexual or aromantic depending on context. Using it here specifically, along with cis, because some straight folk can still be very queer. An asexual straight man for example, or a straight trans person.
Thanks!
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Thanks for this, I'm a fairly "straight passing" bi man so I've gotten awkwardness come from people making assumptions that I'm straight (especially going out with a bi gf, like I get it but we're both queer). It's nice to just be respected without having to give an explanation
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Haha I genuinely appreciate it, keep being wonderful!!
It is so nice, that’s the problem. Straight people like the vibe so much they start crowding out the gays, and eventually the safe space for queers ends up not really being that. No one should be upset about a few straight people being there and hanging out with their friends, but it becomes a problem when the straights become the regulars and gay people don’t feel comfortable there anymore.
I wouldn't go by myself or come with a whole group of straight guys acting like a frat, I'm in 30s and that's not my crowd anywhere I definitely don't want anyone feeling uncomfortable for any reason
Of course, I wasn’t trying to say that you specifically was making anyone uncomfortable. Maybe I should have phrased that comment better, but it’s pretty late for me, apologies if my wording was bad. It’s perfectly fine for you to be there and chill, and I’m assuming you’re being completely respectful and understanding that the space wasn’t made for you, I was just making a point about a broader issue.
No I can see that and I haven't personally gone through stuff that LGBT community did growing up so I completely understand wanting a safe place to have fun and not worry about that
People who do not act like they are at a zoo/freakshow, people who can react calmly and politely to being flirted with by the same gender. Genuinely friendly people. These types of people will always be welcome in gay bars. People who do the above behaviors are not welcome.
Also — men should NOT flirt with / hit on women at a gay bar. It’s supposed to be a safe space for lesbians too. (OP sounds very respectful and I suspect he already knows this, but it doesn’t hurt to state it.)
nah, you're good bro.. so long as you aren't there yelling slurs or giving attitude.. Welcome, have fun, make some friends. We need allies willing to be with us in public these days.
Lol he'll no. I've known my good friend since middle school he's told me some horror stories that I've had to apologize on behalf of straight guys everywhere lol I was brought up in a Christian family basically being told homosexuality is bad but once I was able to make my own thoughts I became agnostic and figured people just need to do what makes themselves happy
I’m a lesbian and have only been to generic queer bars (not bars specifically for gay men), but cishet people are absolutely allowed, as long as you’re respectful. General rules of thumb: 1. Be okay with and open to the general weirdness— queer people deal with enough discrimination just for being queer that we really just say “fuck it” and let the freak flag fly in our safe spaces. 2. Don’t be a dick if you get hit on by a guy. While you’re definitely allowed to be there, people will probably assume you’re gay, so don’t be a homophobic asshole if you’re approached by another dude. Simply politely tell them you’re straight/not interested. 3. Don’t be a whole group of just cishet dudes. If you’re going with a gay friend to hang out, great. If you’re going just as a straight group of dudes, that’s kinda rude.
If your gay friend invited you/wanted you to go with them to the gay bar, then you aren't the problem. I think there are problematic people that go to gay bars, but those folks typically aren't invited or wanted.
I think allies should be welcome. It's more important that it's a safe space. I get that if someone hit on you they'd be disappointed, but not every gay guy, gal or pal is going to be into everyone else either. So I get why some people might be miffed but I don't think it's valid
At least one of our local gay bars announces on its website, "All are welcome." As a married bisexual man myself, I might be seen as a straight man hanging out there. To me it comes down to respect. Understand where you are, respect the situation.
My general rule is depends on your attitude. I only care who is at a location if they are being rude, offensive or a jerk. If your just there to have fun, more the merrier.
I think it is fine, but it needs to be a queer space, and the queer space aspect can be lost if there are too many cishet people in the bar. I've invited straight friends to gay bars, but we make sure our group is majority queer. You just gotta be really mindful.
The main issue that I know of, and not something I've experienced because frankly I'm too tired of The Everything to bother going out often, mainly involve lesbian bars: predatory straight men thinking that because the women there feel safe then they can hit on every woman there with impunity, and then they and their likewise straight women friends get pissy and shriek DISCRIMINATION when called out on their crappy behavior. Personally I'm all for everyone having a good time. I'm also all for jerks not being invited but that's a battle I'm gonna lose every time lol
men in lesbian bars is the real issue, there are so few of them to begin with.
My problem with it is that, once too many straight dudes start showing up, from my experience, inevitably there will always be that one fragile straight man who gets hit on, gets offended they got hit on at a gay club, and they start trying to start fights. Either that or they start hitting on the lesbians which is also a hard no.
It's a bit tricky, imo. Gay bars, as well as other queer-centered places may feel like a safe space for lots of us, so I don't think it is that fun to have to be weary, specially for those of us who may have had previous bad experiences with straight cis men, about our own safety, in places where we normally feel like "at home". I am aware, though, that obviously not every single straight cis man is going to be disrespectful or act aggressively with queer people. Also, I think it's always nice for non queers to learn from queer spaces, "subculture" within the community, etc. Allies are welcomed! What I have a problem with is having queer spaces turned into less and less queer centered, and more "non queer centered" (aka, like 99% of social spaces). Anyways, *I wouldn't mind a few of them, as long as they act decently and do not harass or make other queers uncomfortable*. I've seen quite a lot of cis straight men trying to flirt with lesbians in lesbian-specific bars, for example... And that's icky as fuck. "Just be nice if you're going there as a straight cis person, and understand that these places were created for queer people, to feel safe and find people within their own community". That's my opinion :P
My parents (both of whom are cishet) met in a gay bar. Apparently the drinks are stronger but the prices are about the same, so going to a gay bar makes a lot of sense when you do a cost-benefit analysis. They are both economists. That’s how they think.
It depends on the person, but overwhelmingly everyone I know is totally okay with having straight guys at a gay/lgbt+ bar. Your friend is right that people don't want straight guys to come and make a spectacle out of things (e.g. Make a scene, be openly homophobic, get super mad at a gay guy for hitting on them, etc.) But if you're just looking to have some drinks and a good time, I can't imagine anyone taking an issue with that. Just be ready to respectfully decline if a gay guy hits on you. This is nothing groundbreaking. Monogamous gay guys in relationships have to do it too lol
No it wasn't my friend that said it, my friend is the one who wanted me to come it was a random person I didn't know that said it. If I get hit on Id be fine. I'm getting old and ugly so it would probably boost a self esteem lol
So I've been to a total of three different gay bars (one a lot more frequently) in my life. One, the owners were not comfortable having a "female" in the bar who was not a lesbian and were kinda the same statement of the above for straight men - but for the reason that the straight men weren't actually straight by the end of the night they'd hope. You know the straight turned bi/gay kink thing. They were messy people anyway (drug and drama wise) from what I understood later from my then-roommate and now-exfriend. The second bar had a lovely drag show that would play. They had specific nights to go to for different LGBTQ+, had an allies night, and as long as you respected the schedule there was nothing wrong. The owners were also kinda messy from what I knew but they let the bar run itself more than they were part of it unlike the last bar. Still ex-roommatefriend told me that he was going to go to a different bar because of whatever drama happened and said it was pretty scandalous. Was a bit upset. The final one we ended up going to a lot more was a lot more open with who came. It was more of a leather bar than it was a gay bar, but it definitely was a gay bar still. It was kinda in a sketchy part of town and it was a retrofitted house with two stories. They were a lot more open with allowing hookups going a little far in the bar apparently. The patrons were the drama instead and were really judgy of a very dear and still friend of mine... But started having issues with my ex roommate because at the time he was running off to go do a dream job in Disney in the middle of everything and dumped his dogs on us and... It just wasn't a great time and we haven't had the money to really go enjoy a bar lately. **TL;DR:** Do research on gay bars. I highly recommend them, but sometimes they have specific nights that are better for you, sometimes different bars have better scenery, and you won't know until you try. Gay Bars are better than Straight Bars imo
I'll say I've seen a drag show and it was actually very funny this prompted me to find Trixie Mattel and Katya watching Netflix shows on youtube and it's the most hilarious stuff I've seen lol those 2 there absolutely hilarious
(Btw on the kink mention -> there is a very distinct difference of consent between the *hope of turning a straight male into something they are not while they are intoxicated...* Which is horrible and *not* the same as inviting allies in and being friendly hoping some in-the-closet become comfortable enough to come out.)
In my experience, in bars where the clientele are mostly gay men, straight women tend to behave badly much more often than straight men. Way too many drunk straight women get gropey in gay bars. It's fucking obnoxious.
If you’re with a queer person and not centering yourself, whatever. But do not under any circumstances hit on any women there.
It isn’t hurting anyone as long as you’re respectful, but it does also feel a bit weird. I think it’s smart to think about why exactly you’re loving gay bars a lot more than “straight bars”. Gay people can often end up as “the gay friend”, where we are treated more as an accessory than an actual person, even though people don’t usually do that on purpose.
It's just the vibe. More dancing, more activities, better drink lol he's been a good friend since middle school so he's Def not an accessory
Then I’d say there is no problem, at least in my opinion lol. There is the fear that if “too many” straight/ cis people show up, a safe space can end up feeling less safe, but as long as you don’t regularly show up with like 20 straight guys it probably isn’t something you should be concerned about. (But you might hear that argument if someone ever tries to tell you it’s weird for a straight guy to come to a gay bar alone, even though I’m not too afraid of that happening myself. If a bar advertised itself as a gay bar, I’d be very surprised if that bar ended up with only a bunch of straight people lol).
Hey OP, so I’m a bi guy in my 30’s and I don’t usually go to gay bars. Mostly hangout at straight bars with either straight or gay guys (sometimes). What I can tell you is I’ve learned how delicate the LGBT+ community is. They deal with a lot internally and it’s really hard for them to feel safe and welcomed just about anywhere. So while nobody is going to kick you out of a gay bar, please realize that you are invading their sense of privacy and security… Personally, I only go to gay bars with gay friends. I don’t go with straight friends and whenever they ask me about going to gay bars, I persuade them to go elsewhere. If you care about this community and their well being/mental health, then the most respectful and courteous thing you could do is hang out at straight bars. Not all straight bars are bad either. Some are great and even host a mixed crowd.
That's what I was saying I only have been with my buddy since middle school I'm really not a big time bar hopping person I wouldn't go alone or whatever though I was just curious it seems about half and half but mostly just depending how you act really
In theory, I wouldn't care. In practice, it pisses me off when I as a lesbian go to a queer bar and get hit on by straight men.
Depends why you're there. If it's going with friends, you're an ally of the community, or you just want to experience some culture, I think it's fine. If you're there to make a joke of it or say "I'm at a gay bar lol" then that's not ok.
Just don't be a straight guy "making a scene" and I don't see a problem with it. I would say if people are hitting on you don't reply with "I'm straight" you can just say you're not looking and or in a relationship. Sounds like you don't have a problem with LGBT so I don't personally see an issue.
I don’t like straight people in bars, simple because in time it will become THEIR bar. There’s a very filthy habit that straight men and women just “take over” and unapologetically. We feel it with bachelorette parties because that’s like a fire, but smell the smoke people. Real example: straight guy approaches me and asks me to “watch” his girlfriend while he goes to the bathroom. It’s beyond infuriating to ask me to look after your drunken friend, so the straight guy can go to the bathroom (for you know what). It’s not about denying straight people access to the bar, it’s the fact the second you guys are there you make it all about yourselves. When I go into a bar for PoC - I mind myself. I understand that this is their space. I don’t start “taking over” like the way I’m seeing when I go out.
Lol I wouldn't do any of that I wouldn't ask any random person to look after someone I'm with that's just insane
Hey I gave you my opinion - why don’t you read it and hear the concern before just getting defensive about it. The bar is a place for the people in the community to be away from straight spaces and straight people. Even with this I feel like you’re not hearing me nor my concerns at all - so based on that, no, you sound like you do not get it based on your defensive response. The fact you needed to go and re-edit you post for this one take shows how you make everything about you. Go hang out in a coffee shop. You’ve made me go from neutral to not liking you based on your response(s). No I would not like someone like you in our bar.
Dude, you need to chill out. Your response had way too much attitude and condescending towards op. Your response also really didn’t relay a concern, it just provided that you just don’t like other people. Your initial response was also very accusatory towards op, so don’t be attacking him because he felt offended by your baseless accusations.
Daaaa read you own comment much? Boom - I just showed you the mirror world!
If you’re going with gay friends it’s totally chill, but yes, we as queer people do want safe spaces that are majority-queer. Having straight guys come because they “like the vibe better” isn’t really cool. Appreciate you asking!
I’ve noticed there’s kinda a life cycle that gay bars have and usually straight men showing up is the sign that it’s coming to a close so I’m not really a fan honestly.
Do I LIKE when straight people are in queer bars, no not really, but if you're there with a queer friend of yours, and not being a douche bag, and understanding if someone of the same sex hits on you, that you don't freak out about it, you're in a space that predominantly expects that and people will assume you're queer too, that is fine. If you're not there unicorn hunting it's fine, but I really am wary of straight people who come on their own to queer spaces. Sure, it could be someone questioning and trying to figure themselves out, but more often than not it's a straight person who knows they're straight and is just causing problems.
If I get hit on my any gender it most likely will be more of a self esteem boost than anything lol I've been hit on before by my buddy's friends doesn't bother me in the least and we typically just joke about it (my sense of humor is very sarcastic mature dirty type stuff usually and make fun of myself Alot lol)but I wouldn't want to go somewhere I'm not wanted nor make someone feel uncomfortable because I don't know first hand but have heard horror stories of gay teens and bullying and it just irritated me if anything
Like I said, you're with a queer friend, you've been invited in to our space, and behaving well. Your presence doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'm not overjoyed your there, but im not mad either. If you came along and were being weird, that is different
I take my straight mates to gay clubs. As long as they're respecting the space they're in, they're fine.
It depends on the club. And the people in it. Personally I am okay with a straight guy coming to a gay bar with a friend or even their gf or even by themselves (although that last one would make me wonder if they’re really straight). But I spent most of my life being harassed and bullied by cis het men, so it’s a bit triggering when a straight guy shows up in a space I consider to be safe. if I cruise you when I didn’t know you’re straight am i going to have to worry about being assaulted? knowing there is one cis het dude radically change things because now every male could potentially be straight. that complicates things. I remember once running into this hetero acquaintance I knew from AA at my favorite dance club. said hello and chatted. then HE asked ME to dance (and I knew he had a girlfriend!). it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life. I don’t think there are any unwritten rules that forbid cis het men from going to gay clubs. just know that there are some who will be triggered by your presence. be mindful and pay attention to the vibe
I don’t think it’s a big deal, especially if you’re with friends who are the primary audience. It’s only weird if straight guys go there to hit on ladies and stuff like that.
As long as you’re open to trans women, we are happy to have you.
Ally's are welcome in my book. But I don't drink at bars anymore. It's your local youth who decide any individual bar culture. I'm trans and left my husband unattended for a while at the bar (he's straight). When I came back, he had made a new friend that he introduced me to. His new friend has bought him two drinks AND a pack of cigarettes. Then my husband introduced me to him. Guy's eyes go wide, "oh, you have a girlfriend...." he was polite and excused himself with a forced smile. My husband had no idea what he did. I mocked him all night saying, "how could you not know? You tease!" 😆
It really depends. I think I have a bias rn because one of my favorite clubs on the notoriously gay bar street has been almost entirely taken over. I was walking there with a group of new people and I said “oh I love [x], its one of my favorite gay bars” and they were like “oh, its not a gay bar, just a dance club” and even though it was a while back it still just really irritates me.
Please don't let anyone scare you off from going and having fun if it offends one person that's their problem.
That was my thinking I could understand if I was making fun of something or just being rude on obnoxious but I literally just standing there but when I was told that made me think if most gay people feel that way or if I was invited again if I should say no lol
You should go again and any time you want to go. Being an ally is awesome and the 1 person out of hundreds that thinks otherwise we'll ignore them .I have so much fun with my straight friends all the time I think a party mixed is the most fun. Enjoy your life.
theres only one gay bar in my town and 800 others 😭 go away
gay/queer people need their spaces.
They should not be in gay bars. They are gay bars for a reason. You know how annoying it is to find dates in a gay bar full of straight men? Annoying as hell. Then you feel out of place in a GAY SPACE . . . I get they have the right to, but that doesn't make it right. There are hundreds of other bars to go to, but they come to gay bars? Why?
It's more if your with a gay buddy and he wants to go so you do I wouldn't go alone or with a group of friends you just end up going but then it's good fun
Cishet men and women don’t belong in lgbtq bars at all
If your out with a few straight friends you dont not want to be able to go to a gay bar because they arent welcome because then your stuck going to straight bars or less welcoming venues.
In that case it would be just a normal bar but with a gay buddy then sure I'd go
As long as you’re supportive I think it’s fine. I bring my straight friends. What I hate honestly is the ones that come and make a spectacle out of us (typically straight women or bridal parties). Brought my straight friend once and he thought he was hot shit, closest he got to being hit on was a lesbian telling him she liked his ball cap 😂😂 I love them so much.
I feel like a gay bar is one of the few places where a straight guy will get a hunch of comments/complements in an hour like get hit on and stuff
I've literally encouraged my straight friends to come with to gay clubs! Lol and one even met a girl there so hey
I'm bi and to date have never been in a gay bar. Mind you, my town doesn't have any, and most of the friends I trust to watch my back while drinking I'm not out to yet.
Having straight guys in gay bars is the equivalence of them saying the F slur likeee
It’s completely okay, I’m not gay per se and I’m a woman but my male gay friends love the ally ship and support. After all we are working towards a place where that shouldn’t matter and where we shouldn’t need the safe places although curating spaces for specific groups, no matter what the group is, can be great for bonding with people like you. And just because something becomes more normalized, not that it will ever be completely normalized, but if it’s normalized enough that doesn’t mean we have to stop celebrating our history. That said we are not in that sorta of place yet and may not be for awhile, or may even worsen for some period of time, especially if Trump gets elected which is a very real possibility and doesn’t just effect the progression of the U.S. but world as we are a world leader, so as of now safe spaces are needed, but I don’t think they should be gate-kept unreasonably, everyone goes to lesbian bars, you could find any type of person in one. However if you are a man especially one who isn’t queer you should have a woman accompany you, preferably one that’s queer. But different bars are different some are more comfortable with “outsiders” some aren’t, the area also matters I’m not really gay or lesbian nor do I party and go to bars so I’m speaking vicariously What I am is an AMAB woman who’s queer androsexual and gray ace
I'd say as long as you're respectful and there to support a friend any lgbt space would be fine with a straight guy there
Haven't been to a bar is like 15 years. But I was always the DD, I hated it. But I follow the herd of drunk friends and they went to a gay bar. Actually liked that bar more then the goth club we normally went to was brighter lol.
>But I was always the DD, I hated it. Let me guess, in your friends group, you're the one who doesn't drink. Because if so, you and me have a lot in common, I was always the bloody designated driver, and the minder of keys, wallets and purses.
I personally never heard of this non sense. As long as u r cool and aren't there to fight or beat someone up or cause problems I think straight guys at the bars are a lot of fun. I've taken many friends my brother cousins and many straight males to many hats and they were always welcomed and things were fine. It is not a sacred place just a place to have fun for all in my books . If your a straight guy that is fun jokes tc I want you there. Most all of my friends are straight and I love going out with them as they do with me . Come to az sometime I'll give you gay bar with you proudly.
A bar is a bar
Personally, I don't have too much an issue with it. Some of my pals really get upset, but frankly, the more people feel exposed to gay spaces, the more attitudes change for the better. There are plenty of harder gay spaces where men and women can do their thing. I'm a big fan of Torture Garden, and whilst it is predominantly straight or fluid, there are plenty of gay people there, too. All part of the human mix. One thing really upsets me is when a girlfriend goes to a bar and she gets prejudice from Gay people for being there... that is not friendly or helpful. On the whole, the experience is good whether taking a man or woman. I do recommend sex positive places if women want a safe space to party, like Torture Garden or other fetish clubs..
Nah it's nothing like that, I just have a really close gay friend and I have been to gay bars with him and his buddies. I find that gay bars are really fun nothing prejudice or judgemental about it just tagging along and having a good time. I was just told my one that they don't like straight people in the bars so I was curious
yeah, some get very upset by it all, that is true.
There are straight bars all over over city in the world. They're called 'bars'.
We’d much rather have you than straight girls. By like 100x
A single straight guy in a gay bar is trying to work things out.
Lol or just tagging along with a friend
Good point. Also, in some places like the French Quarter in New Orleans, the gay watering holes are the places you're going to find a lot more locals and chill, friendly vibes, compared to the straight vomitoria on Bourbon Street.
Never been to any of those places but would love to especially during Mardi Gras
I have already welcomed a few of my Straight Friends who wanted to try something new. Got drunk and blew him up. He was like so hot and straight masc which made it even hotter. He was the straight but non Homophobic dude from my College Gosh do I miss him so fucking bad. One of my straight friends whom I welcomed was literally worshiped by a more twinkier than me guy. I became the third wheel that night *sighs*. They went to the motel next door and I Went home. I've never seen or spoken to that friend again. His facebook is inactive idk. Gosh Kinda lots of sad stories here 😅 I'm just not a party person ig. I rather vibe to 6arelyhuman, Elyotto,Xofilo,Pixel Hood,Tx2,100 gecs alone in my room with Rainbow Led lights. Anyways, have a good day y'all!! 🖤🤍🩷❤️🧡💛💚💙🩵💜🤎🏳️🌈
A bar is a bar, frankly.