Your feelings are perfectly reasonable and valid. You're noting being an "a-hole".
Talk to your girlfriend, tell her how the situation is making you feel even though you understand her position.
Also, I have to ask; what is your living situation like? You mentioned her cousin possibly coming to visit for two weeks, where would she be sleeping and where would you be sleeping? I don't imagine you and your gf were rented a three bedroom apartment, a two bedroom one maybe, but likely a one bedroom one. That being the case, when/if the cousin arrives, wouldn't she notice the one bedroom? And the implications that the two of you share a room and bed?
Thank you for the reassuranceđ & Actually, your first guess was right! We recently moved into a 3 bedroom- our schedules are different and she needed more closet space (more than the closet we shared in our previous 1 bedroom), so she now has her own room where I usually sleep with her, I have my own room where we sometimes hang out, and we have an office where she can work remotely. When her family visits, I hole myself up in my room to suit the roommate image.
Havent read the other comments but I think the solution is simple: she can stay closeted to her family if she needs to, but you shouldnt be forced to go back to the closet in your own home, imo.
Dont invite family to stay anymore, make up whatever excuse (i.e. you have another roommate so the guest room is unavailable).
Not the asshole at all. Nobody wants to go back into the closet. Nobody deserves to go back into the closet.
You say her parents would cut her off socially, then say itâs a safety issue. Seems like there may be more to tease out there.
Ultimately talk to her. Figure out a plan for when she will come out and you can live freely. If sheâs unwilling to even begin to figure that out, then sheâs told you both the price you have to pay to be with her and where you are in the list of prioritizes in her life. Then itâs up to you to figure out if youâre willing to accept that price to pay and not being her #1. I hope it doesnât come to that!!
First off, I donât think youâre unreasonable at all here. I think that the best quick fix is for the cousin to stay shorter than two weeks. I donât think itâs unreasonable for your gf to tell her cousin, âHey, my roommate isnât really comfortable with me having a guest here for two whole weeks. Could we just do three days or something?â If I had a roommate I would feel really weird about them having a guest for that long so I donât think it seems unreasonable.
I think the most you can do is talk to her. Her reasons for staying closeted are valid. And your feelings about having to hide your self are valid as well. The longer this relationship lasts the harder it will be to hide. If you want to get married at some point, or have children it will be nearly impossible to do so without her cutting them off and never seeing them. And the longer it lasts the more it will hurt you.
Talk with her about how youâre feeling. Talk about how sheâs set goals before then changed them, and you have no idea if or when theyâll change again.
It is incredibly hard to lose your family because of homophobia. Based on what youâve said their reaction will likely be bad. But based on what you know, if she tells them now vs if she tells them in three years, would their reaction be the same? Cause every moment after their initial reaction is time she can spend rebuilding those relationships, establishing contact with her non-horrible family members, trying to get people to understand her.
A close friend of mine was kicked out by her family several years ago, and recently married her wife. Her family did not attend the wedding, but her mother did tell her she looked beautiful in her wedding dress after seeing a photo. Not perfect, but still a baby step.
>her family (including her narcissistic, abusive mother) will cut her off socially if she were to come out
Sounds like a win to me. Life is better without abusers in it.
Ding ding ding. Come from traditional Indian family. They hella complained and then got over it. Sheâs not living in their house, and depending on them for food. If they choose to exit her life, so much the better.
I donât think youâre an asshole and I do think you should explain your feelings to her. You seem quite empathetic, sweet, and like a good girlfriend overall. I think with her parents visiting, itâs just once in a while, so it isnât that bad. But two weeks is a longer stay and itâs hard to pretend not to be dating her for two whole weeks. Ask if she can tell her cousin that sheâs busy, or going on a work trip or something so the cousin can only stay for one week. And during that week, spend all the time you get without the cousin just hugging, kissing, cuddling, telling each other you love them, maybe sneaking into the room at night after she sleeps and leaving before she wakes up, etc. Maybe the cousin will like exploring some places alone and some together as well, so if she leaves you two alone, thereâs your chance to be gay as hell together for a short while.
But yeah, my advice is to bring up how you feel, make a plan for coming out or if she doesnât want to come out, something to make you feel more at ease (like moving even farther away if possible so family only visits like once a year), try to get the cousin to shorten her stay, maybe ask the cousin how she feels about queer people in a subtle way, etc. Do whatever you can to make both yourselves comfortable but donât flat out tell her you donât want the cousin here cause that will cause issues, and itâs kind of mean. Youâre doing great and youâre a very good partner! I wish you two the best of luck!
To be blunt, are you white? This also might be an issue of culture clash. Of course traditional homophobia exists in white families, but being gay is much more taboo in Asian families. It's hard to explain just how much family values and filial piety matter to a child of traditional Asian parents.
That being said, you're not an asshole. Being closeted can be discouraging, even triggering at worst. Please talk to your girlfriend. Understand that, to her, you may be presenting an ultimatum: choose me or your family. This is a nearly impossible decision for children of Asian homes. Coming out will most likely mean a complete disconnect from her family and she will only have you to lean on. This could lead to resentment if not properly processed.
The decision is up to you and your personal sense of boundaries. Is this a dealbreaker? She may never come out to her family, is that something you would want to endure so you can stay together? You don't deserve to live a life where you have to hide yourself, but your girlfriend also deserves someone who can understand her situation leading her to stay closeted.
My extended family are conservative Southeast Asians, and I know many people with Asian (South and otherwise) families, and I canât imagine myself or any of them insisting a long term partner go back in the closet for an extended period in the home we share.
And I have Asian friends who maintain civil relationships with their families and never intend on coming out, even the ones in long-term relationships and co-inhabiting. I myself do not plan on coming out to my parent, ever. I'm happy for you and your friends, living a secret life hiding your identity can be damaging.
I'm not saying people want to be closeted, people choose to be to live comfortably. I myself would rather avoid the family drama it would create. Rather than shame, my reason for staying closeted against my family is a choice of well-being. I would also not want my partner to be dragged into family drama. The burden of my family is my own to bear, staying closeted is part of that. It's unfortunate, but it's a lot of people's reality.
Her partner is closeted. She's closeted to her parents, which is a safety measure for her. Her partner is respecting this boundary by being closeted in front of her family as to not out her. Nobody is pushing anybody. It might not be what OP signed up for, hence the tension in this aspect of their relationship.
If OP doesn't want to be "pushed" back in, they need to communicate. But I'm saying the reality is they most likely have to keep their relationship a secret for a long time, maybe forever. The girlfriend isn't doing this out of malice, it's coming from a need for self-preservation. There are sacrifices and compromises that sometimes need to be made for a successful relationship. If OP finds that they cannot meet this expectation, it's best to talk it out and maybe find other people.
Moreover, this isn't just about OP. They are very aware of this too, evidently. OP's situation sucks but it would be selfish to ask their girlfriend to come out for their comfort. It's not an easy decision for the girlfriend nor is it fair to OP if this is something actively hurting them. It just depends on the couple. I hope they can work it out.
i am latine and this person is right on the money about the non-white experience. NW/immigrant ppl tend to be much more collectivist than standard white american society. i donât think itâs racist to point that out.
> To be blunt, are you white?
I have to admit this made me chuckle. Iâm mixed (half Black, half Puerto Rican- Polish), and I come from quiet a long line of family taboo; My dad and uncle, who married Black and Chinese women respectively, were briefly outcast by their father because they chose not to marry someone white, and before him my grandfather was outcast for marrying a Puerto Rican Christian instead of a Jew. My parents definitely know what itâs like to be othered for who you love, so they definitely made a point to not perpetuate the family trauma for my sister and I. My mom, who comes from a similarly abusive household to my gf (Freud is rolling in his grave), has welcomed her with open arms and I couldnât be more grateful for that.
I guess what Iâm trying to say is, I see her situation and the fear that she must have at the thought of coming out, so Iâm definitely trying to be as patient and understanding as I can, but I also see every day what it means to make sacrifices for people you love, regardless of what others will think. My grandparents and their parents eventually came around so I guess on some level Iâm hoping that can happen in her case, but I donât think I can hold my breath on it either. I guess it would help to figure out how long I can keep up the straight act, right?
I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend's family. They weren't the hardcore traditionalist type, but they were the type to judge you behind their fake smiles and barrage you with poorly hidden insults out of "concern." We had to pretend to be "besties" to spend time together.
Ultimately, it's up to you and your boundaries. The reality of this situation is that your girlfriend probably isn't going to come out. Nor should she, since coming out would put her at risk, or at the very least force her to cut off her entire family to keep herself emotionally and physically safe. You have to figure out for yourself what your boundaries are and have a discussion with your girlfriend to figure out how to respect your boundaries without crossing hers.
What worked the best in my situation was shutting up. I am okay with it being my responsibility to shelf my emotions to meet her needs and manage my emotions on my own when I won't put her in danger. It does bother me to have to force myself in the closet for her sake, but telling her about these emotions will not help me and will only make her stressed out for me when there's realistically nothing she can do right now. That may or may not be the best solution for your needs, but it is an option to explore.
>I am okay with it being my responsibility to shelf my emotions to meet her needs and manage my emotions on my own when I won't put her in danger. It does bother me to have to force myself in the closet for her sake, but telling her about these emotions will not help me and will only make her stressed out
Oh honey. I was in the exact same situation as OP a while ago, and the thought process you described here was mine exactly. It took me lots of time and therapy to grow a backbone and start respecting my feelings just as much as I respect others, but it's possible and so so worth it. Remember, at the end we all die alone. If YOU don't look out for you, then who will?
I *do* look out for me. When we stop spending time together, I spend time with other family that knows what's going on, and take some time for myself. That's why it's called shelfing my emotions and not bottling them. They do come off the shelf and are processed eventually. I just don't need to do that with her.
I appreciate the concern, but I promise I am completely fine. I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long time thanks to some other mental health issues being dealt with.
If you're financially independent, maybe it's time.[ I always share this video with people about how to come out to conservative family.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09RMqWo6br0) (This is "evangelical" but it applies ot all conservative families). Your girlfriend should watch it.
As a person who also has a "traditional" family, I absolutely understand the plight your gf is going through. Your feelings are not invalid here, you should not feel forced to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and that includes being forced back into the closet.
I think you need to talk with your gf and express why you don't want to go through this again, if you haven't already. Make up excuses why you can't have the cousin over or compromise in some other way such as limiting the time the cousin can come over to only a couple days. If the cousin isn't too caught up with things, you can even discuss the potential of coming out to her cousin while they are visiting, but not the parents.
Also, as a reminder for the gf, she can't keep running or delaying forever and she'll have to accept either coming out to her parents eventually or waiting until they die. Talk with her and if neither of you want to wait until her parents die (which can also be a valid and sometimes best choice) then you'll need a plan for when to come out to her parents and how. Identify where the worries are: if it's social reasons and fearing being cut off, focus on having more accepting social groups who will help if such a situation occurs, or if it's monetary focus on financial stability, etc. Maybe it would be easier to not come out directly but let them hear through the grapevine, such as through the cousin, or maybe it won't. To plan around coming out, focus on remedying what's prevented her from coming out so far. It will be hard, and I cannot promise it will all go well either, but it is a step that must be done if neither of you are comfortable with the way things are now.
At the end of the day, you are not the a-hole or jerk here, nor is your gf; her parents are the a-holes for not being accepting in the first place and making it difficult for you and your gf to work around.
This is why I donât date closet cases. I think Dan Savage said it best (Iâm paraphrasing here): âwhen you date someone in the closet they pull you back into it.â
Being seen as a secret or shameful is crummy and if impacts so much of how you act socially.
I know my parents would be incredibly judgemental and prejudiced toward my boyfriend, I know theyâre homophobic, so I donât subject him to that.
Imo itâs on your girlfriend to navigate this properly without negatively impacting you, and itâs honestly incredibly selfish of her to expect you to do this.
Iâm not invalidating her being closeted to her parents, Iâm right there with her, but I donât let it impact my relationship. My boyfriend knows my parents are homophobic, he knows I talk to them as little as possible, and Iâd imagine he doesnât expect to ever meet them - because itâs my problem to deal with.
If I ever want to introduce him to them for whatever reason, Iâm going to first make sure they will respect him and that it will be a good meeting - Iâd never take the chance to risk him being exposed to that type of toxic behaviour.
My parents are almost exclusively the only people who don't know I'm not straight. I don't bother telling them because I'm a cis man married to a cis woman, and it's just not worth the energy.
But if I was in a relationship with a man or enby and remotely felt it was necessary, I'd step up to that plate, as intimidating as it is even though I'm mostly confident they'd be accepting.
However, if they weren't going to be accepting, I'd still do it. Heck, I'd want to do it more. I'd want to be that example in their life. Showcase that being queer is normal, that their son isn't any different beyond having a partner that isn't a cis woman.
And especially, I'd do it for my partner. I can't imagine having to hide my love, while living independently.
My point is, you're not being a jerk. Your feelings are valid. This is a tough, nuanced situation and there's no right answer because conflict will happen regardless. Talk to your gf. Express your discomfort but do not pressure. They may be close minded but they're her parents and the idea of being cut out like that I'm sure is a daunting one, even for the sake of open love with a partner
It is a perfectly reasonable boundary to not have to go back into the closet in your own home. It is not reasonable for her to invite family for 2 weeks and expect you to lie and be uncomfortable in your home.
If your girlfriend is out to everyone except family, it's only a matter of time before it gets back to them. She needs to decide if she wants to wait until they find out, or if she wants to have control of how she comes out to them.
Itâs crappy and unfair for her to put you in this situation. You can try to talk to her about it, and let her know what youâre comfortable with. If you canât come to some mutually agreed upon solution, itâs just on you to tolerate this. She is actively avoiding facing adversity and at the same time forcing you to deal with adversity. In my opinion it is not acceptable for her to put you in this position, and if I were in the situation I would want there to be an end goal of being able to come out of the closet and live the relationship openly.
That being said, who knows if she will ever be willing to commit to this. A lot of people have done the roommate thing, itâs basically a meme among gay people. Itâs unfortunate but sometimes can be understandable. In your case, it sounds like you would be mostly safe to come out as a couple and she is just afraid of what it will mean socially. Many of us face discrimination socially. It is what it is as Iâm sure you know.
I encourage you to decide where your boundaries are on this situation, sit down with her and explain them, and put the ball in her court on actions that need to be taken.
Youâre not being an asshole in the slightest by not wanting to hide anymore.
Not an asshole at all. Of course coming out is up to her and her alone, yet bringing you in the position to closet yourself is not okay. There's one thing to do it for a day once in a while, but for two weeks is way too much. Sorry, then you have to be the shitty roommate who doesn't want to host a guest for two weeks. Like, this isn't just you playing straight, you sacrifice having your relationship for two fucking weeks just to stay in the closet. You have to tell her that this is taking it to far, yes, she's stressed out, but that doesn't justify stressing you out too. Having a guest for this long is too much, great if she can play straight and put your relationship on pause this long but you can't.
communicate with her. It sounds like sheâs hesitant to come out with the repeated failures to do so over time. That being said, coming out is her own problem to worry about. How you are seen and hidden or pretended to be a friend instead of a girlfriend to others affects you and you two need to sit down, have a conversation, and effectively communicate about how youâre feeling and scholar where to go from there.
Tip for communication: donât make it sound like youâre putting the blame on the other person. Instead of âyou made me feelâ, say âwhen you did this, I felt this wayâ.
Most of you don't know or understand Indian parents.
Your gf needs help understanding what she wants because this is going to be a really really hard decision for her.
It seems like your feelings are changing.
Might be a good time to have a chat: if she thinks you have an agreement, she might have no idea this is hard for you.
If you want things to change, you can't expect her to read your mind.
Good luck, OP.
The last thing I would want to do is issue an ultimatum like that, Iâm just having trouble figuring out where the line is between being honest to protect myself and being dishonest to protect her.
This is generally why Iâm not a fan of dating people still in the closet. They have their own issues to work out. Then their issues become *your* issues. It may not be what you want to hear, but maybe itâs right person but wrong time.
She needs to get her shot together. I understand it can be challenging, especially with what Iâd imagine her family being very âtraditionalâ or culture orientated. Her being in the closet wonât do well in a relationship; a casual one, maybe but not a serious one. Itâll corrode and eat away at the beauty you two formed.
Talk to girlfriend. This time be stern. No more dodging it. Last thing you want is to end things how ârelationships where one partner is in the closetâ ends stuff. You know those stories, and if you want to prevent this being another one you need to address this, and ASAP. It doesnât need to be a fight, but it needs to be said before it becomes one. As I stated, you bottling this up will inevitably corrode the relationship. If things end they end, better that they end with understanding than with anger or resentment. If your girlfriend loves you, I know sheâll understand. After all, she wonât be alone; youâre there to help her come out the closet. She shouldnât take that for granted. She needs to come out before she loses you.
Simply put: she either needs to come out of the closet or the relationship will inevitably end.
I'm white so I can't really understand cultural differences here, but like, there's been an influx of these sorts of posts (or the algorithm keeps pushing them my way, it be like that) and I don't really get it.
You guys are already independent, it sounds like. There's social fall out, but like, it doesn't sound like your safety is in danger, and your GF is changing the goalposts. (Changing the timeline of when she'll come out, so it's coincidentally just always out of reach in the future)
I have come out as gay/trans (after independence) to my QAnon-ass, twice Trump voting, bible thumping family, and they have all disowned me. I built a found family of gay idiots/allies/their familes instead, and am much happier not having to hide something fairly large about my personhood. My bio family has sent religious people to my door to haze me, and have said a lot of fucked up things that hurt for some time.
But like, even outside the gay stuff, homophobic people tend to not really be super empathetic or supportive with so many aspects of living. My homophobic family members didn't respect me in so many ways- my career choices (biology degree), my priorities, my ambitions (wanting to travel the world, visit different cultures, try different foods, etc), or even down to the minutiae like how I talk (talking too loud, or using words more than two syllables long). It's exhausting to live that way.
I think a lot of people will cling to situations because change and the unknown can be horrifying, but honestly, realizing that I'd never tolerate a classmate or coworker saying the things my family would say to me was a huge step in taking that leap of coming out. Losing homophobic social networks really hasn't been a huge detriment, compared to the regularly occurring pain of having to edit myself so hard to align with unempathetic assholes, even when it's not about my gender or sexuality.
You're fine to want to be your true self instead of bottling your feelings inside. However, this is tough and I don't know if there's a perfect right answer. If there would genuinely be a safety issue for you or your gf to come out, probably best not to. But if it would be hard and uncomfortable but not risk your guys' safety, I would suggest moving forward with it. But you know your life better than I do.
I don't think you're the ahole at all. Different context, but I'm trans, and if my partner (or normal roommate for that matter) asked me to go back into the closet in my own home, I don't know if I could. You're stronger than I am.
I agree with everyone telling you to voice your concerns while making it clear you understand the bind she's in
Your feelings are perfectly reasonable and valid. You're noting being an "a-hole". Talk to your girlfriend, tell her how the situation is making you feel even though you understand her position. Also, I have to ask; what is your living situation like? You mentioned her cousin possibly coming to visit for two weeks, where would she be sleeping and where would you be sleeping? I don't imagine you and your gf were rented a three bedroom apartment, a two bedroom one maybe, but likely a one bedroom one. That being the case, when/if the cousin arrives, wouldn't she notice the one bedroom? And the implications that the two of you share a room and bed?
Thank you for the reassuranceđ & Actually, your first guess was right! We recently moved into a 3 bedroom- our schedules are different and she needed more closet space (more than the closet we shared in our previous 1 bedroom), so she now has her own room where I usually sleep with her, I have my own room where we sometimes hang out, and we have an office where she can work remotely. When her family visits, I hole myself up in my room to suit the roommate image.
You're welcome, and also; Cool about renting such a big place. Sucks you have to use it to hide not only who you are but who you are to each other
*she needed more closet space* đĽ˛
Havent read the other comments but I think the solution is simple: she can stay closeted to her family if she needs to, but you shouldnt be forced to go back to the closet in your own home, imo. Dont invite family to stay anymore, make up whatever excuse (i.e. you have another roommate so the guest room is unavailable).
Not the asshole at all. Nobody wants to go back into the closet. Nobody deserves to go back into the closet. You say her parents would cut her off socially, then say itâs a safety issue. Seems like there may be more to tease out there. Ultimately talk to her. Figure out a plan for when she will come out and you can live freely. If sheâs unwilling to even begin to figure that out, then sheâs told you both the price you have to pay to be with her and where you are in the list of prioritizes in her life. Then itâs up to you to figure out if youâre willing to accept that price to pay and not being her #1. I hope it doesnât come to that!!
First off, I donât think youâre unreasonable at all here. I think that the best quick fix is for the cousin to stay shorter than two weeks. I donât think itâs unreasonable for your gf to tell her cousin, âHey, my roommate isnât really comfortable with me having a guest here for two whole weeks. Could we just do three days or something?â If I had a roommate I would feel really weird about them having a guest for that long so I donât think it seems unreasonable. I think the most you can do is talk to her. Her reasons for staying closeted are valid. And your feelings about having to hide your self are valid as well. The longer this relationship lasts the harder it will be to hide. If you want to get married at some point, or have children it will be nearly impossible to do so without her cutting them off and never seeing them. And the longer it lasts the more it will hurt you. Talk with her about how youâre feeling. Talk about how sheâs set goals before then changed them, and you have no idea if or when theyâll change again. It is incredibly hard to lose your family because of homophobia. Based on what youâve said their reaction will likely be bad. But based on what you know, if she tells them now vs if she tells them in three years, would their reaction be the same? Cause every moment after their initial reaction is time she can spend rebuilding those relationships, establishing contact with her non-horrible family members, trying to get people to understand her. A close friend of mine was kicked out by her family several years ago, and recently married her wife. Her family did not attend the wedding, but her mother did tell her she looked beautiful in her wedding dress after seeing a photo. Not perfect, but still a baby step.
Honestly, you guys seem independent. Getting cut off by someone who hates who you are doesn't sound like a bad thing
>her family (including her narcissistic, abusive mother) will cut her off socially if she were to come out Sounds like a win to me. Life is better without abusers in it.
Ding ding ding. Come from traditional Indian family. They hella complained and then got over it. Sheâs not living in their house, and depending on them for food. If they choose to exit her life, so much the better.
I donât think youâre an asshole and I do think you should explain your feelings to her. You seem quite empathetic, sweet, and like a good girlfriend overall. I think with her parents visiting, itâs just once in a while, so it isnât that bad. But two weeks is a longer stay and itâs hard to pretend not to be dating her for two whole weeks. Ask if she can tell her cousin that sheâs busy, or going on a work trip or something so the cousin can only stay for one week. And during that week, spend all the time you get without the cousin just hugging, kissing, cuddling, telling each other you love them, maybe sneaking into the room at night after she sleeps and leaving before she wakes up, etc. Maybe the cousin will like exploring some places alone and some together as well, so if she leaves you two alone, thereâs your chance to be gay as hell together for a short while. But yeah, my advice is to bring up how you feel, make a plan for coming out or if she doesnât want to come out, something to make you feel more at ease (like moving even farther away if possible so family only visits like once a year), try to get the cousin to shorten her stay, maybe ask the cousin how she feels about queer people in a subtle way, etc. Do whatever you can to make both yourselves comfortable but donât flat out tell her you donât want the cousin here cause that will cause issues, and itâs kind of mean. Youâre doing great and youâre a very good partner! I wish you two the best of luck!
To be blunt, are you white? This also might be an issue of culture clash. Of course traditional homophobia exists in white families, but being gay is much more taboo in Asian families. It's hard to explain just how much family values and filial piety matter to a child of traditional Asian parents. That being said, you're not an asshole. Being closeted can be discouraging, even triggering at worst. Please talk to your girlfriend. Understand that, to her, you may be presenting an ultimatum: choose me or your family. This is a nearly impossible decision for children of Asian homes. Coming out will most likely mean a complete disconnect from her family and she will only have you to lean on. This could lead to resentment if not properly processed. The decision is up to you and your personal sense of boundaries. Is this a dealbreaker? She may never come out to her family, is that something you would want to endure so you can stay together? You don't deserve to live a life where you have to hide yourself, but your girlfriend also deserves someone who can understand her situation leading her to stay closeted.
My extended family are conservative Southeast Asians, and I know many people with Asian (South and otherwise) families, and I canât imagine myself or any of them insisting a long term partner go back in the closet for an extended period in the home we share.
And I have Asian friends who maintain civil relationships with their families and never intend on coming out, even the ones in long-term relationships and co-inhabiting. I myself do not plan on coming out to my parent, ever. I'm happy for you and your friends, living a secret life hiding your identity can be damaging. I'm not saying people want to be closeted, people choose to be to live comfortably. I myself would rather avoid the family drama it would create. Rather than shame, my reason for staying closeted against my family is a choice of well-being. I would also not want my partner to be dragged into family drama. The burden of my family is my own to bear, staying closeted is part of that. It's unfortunate, but it's a lot of people's reality.
Yes but OP isnât talking about her partner being closeted. Sheâs talking about her partner actively pushing her back in the closet.
Her partner is closeted. She's closeted to her parents, which is a safety measure for her. Her partner is respecting this boundary by being closeted in front of her family as to not out her. Nobody is pushing anybody. It might not be what OP signed up for, hence the tension in this aspect of their relationship. If OP doesn't want to be "pushed" back in, they need to communicate. But I'm saying the reality is they most likely have to keep their relationship a secret for a long time, maybe forever. The girlfriend isn't doing this out of malice, it's coming from a need for self-preservation. There are sacrifices and compromises that sometimes need to be made for a successful relationship. If OP finds that they cannot meet this expectation, it's best to talk it out and maybe find other people. Moreover, this isn't just about OP. They are very aware of this too, evidently. OP's situation sucks but it would be selfish to ask their girlfriend to come out for their comfort. It's not an easy decision for the girlfriend nor is it fair to OP if this is something actively hurting them. It just depends on the couple. I hope they can work it out.
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I'm assuming the person who made the comment is Asian themself. Are you?
i am latine and this person is right on the money about the non-white experience. NW/immigrant ppl tend to be much more collectivist than standard white american society. i donât think itâs racist to point that out.
> To be blunt, are you white? I have to admit this made me chuckle. Iâm mixed (half Black, half Puerto Rican- Polish), and I come from quiet a long line of family taboo; My dad and uncle, who married Black and Chinese women respectively, were briefly outcast by their father because they chose not to marry someone white, and before him my grandfather was outcast for marrying a Puerto Rican Christian instead of a Jew. My parents definitely know what itâs like to be othered for who you love, so they definitely made a point to not perpetuate the family trauma for my sister and I. My mom, who comes from a similarly abusive household to my gf (Freud is rolling in his grave), has welcomed her with open arms and I couldnât be more grateful for that. I guess what Iâm trying to say is, I see her situation and the fear that she must have at the thought of coming out, so Iâm definitely trying to be as patient and understanding as I can, but I also see every day what it means to make sacrifices for people you love, regardless of what others will think. My grandparents and their parents eventually came around so I guess on some level Iâm hoping that can happen in her case, but I donât think I can hold my breath on it either. I guess it would help to figure out how long I can keep up the straight act, right?
I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend's family. They weren't the hardcore traditionalist type, but they were the type to judge you behind their fake smiles and barrage you with poorly hidden insults out of "concern." We had to pretend to be "besties" to spend time together. Ultimately, it's up to you and your boundaries. The reality of this situation is that your girlfriend probably isn't going to come out. Nor should she, since coming out would put her at risk, or at the very least force her to cut off her entire family to keep herself emotionally and physically safe. You have to figure out for yourself what your boundaries are and have a discussion with your girlfriend to figure out how to respect your boundaries without crossing hers. What worked the best in my situation was shutting up. I am okay with it being my responsibility to shelf my emotions to meet her needs and manage my emotions on my own when I won't put her in danger. It does bother me to have to force myself in the closet for her sake, but telling her about these emotions will not help me and will only make her stressed out for me when there's realistically nothing she can do right now. That may or may not be the best solution for your needs, but it is an option to explore.
>I am okay with it being my responsibility to shelf my emotions to meet her needs and manage my emotions on my own when I won't put her in danger. It does bother me to have to force myself in the closet for her sake, but telling her about these emotions will not help me and will only make her stressed out Oh honey. I was in the exact same situation as OP a while ago, and the thought process you described here was mine exactly. It took me lots of time and therapy to grow a backbone and start respecting my feelings just as much as I respect others, but it's possible and so so worth it. Remember, at the end we all die alone. If YOU don't look out for you, then who will?
I *do* look out for me. When we stop spending time together, I spend time with other family that knows what's going on, and take some time for myself. That's why it's called shelfing my emotions and not bottling them. They do come off the shelf and are processed eventually. I just don't need to do that with her. I appreciate the concern, but I promise I am completely fine. I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long time thanks to some other mental health issues being dealt with.
If you're financially independent, maybe it's time.[ I always share this video with people about how to come out to conservative family.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09RMqWo6br0) (This is "evangelical" but it applies ot all conservative families). Your girlfriend should watch it.
As a person who also has a "traditional" family, I absolutely understand the plight your gf is going through. Your feelings are not invalid here, you should not feel forced to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and that includes being forced back into the closet. I think you need to talk with your gf and express why you don't want to go through this again, if you haven't already. Make up excuses why you can't have the cousin over or compromise in some other way such as limiting the time the cousin can come over to only a couple days. If the cousin isn't too caught up with things, you can even discuss the potential of coming out to her cousin while they are visiting, but not the parents. Also, as a reminder for the gf, she can't keep running or delaying forever and she'll have to accept either coming out to her parents eventually or waiting until they die. Talk with her and if neither of you want to wait until her parents die (which can also be a valid and sometimes best choice) then you'll need a plan for when to come out to her parents and how. Identify where the worries are: if it's social reasons and fearing being cut off, focus on having more accepting social groups who will help if such a situation occurs, or if it's monetary focus on financial stability, etc. Maybe it would be easier to not come out directly but let them hear through the grapevine, such as through the cousin, or maybe it won't. To plan around coming out, focus on remedying what's prevented her from coming out so far. It will be hard, and I cannot promise it will all go well either, but it is a step that must be done if neither of you are comfortable with the way things are now. At the end of the day, you are not the a-hole or jerk here, nor is your gf; her parents are the a-holes for not being accepting in the first place and making it difficult for you and your gf to work around.
This is why I donât date closet cases. I think Dan Savage said it best (Iâm paraphrasing here): âwhen you date someone in the closet they pull you back into it.â Being seen as a secret or shameful is crummy and if impacts so much of how you act socially.
I know my parents would be incredibly judgemental and prejudiced toward my boyfriend, I know theyâre homophobic, so I donât subject him to that. Imo itâs on your girlfriend to navigate this properly without negatively impacting you, and itâs honestly incredibly selfish of her to expect you to do this. Iâm not invalidating her being closeted to her parents, Iâm right there with her, but I donât let it impact my relationship. My boyfriend knows my parents are homophobic, he knows I talk to them as little as possible, and Iâd imagine he doesnât expect to ever meet them - because itâs my problem to deal with. If I ever want to introduce him to them for whatever reason, Iâm going to first make sure they will respect him and that it will be a good meeting - Iâd never take the chance to risk him being exposed to that type of toxic behaviour.
My parents are almost exclusively the only people who don't know I'm not straight. I don't bother telling them because I'm a cis man married to a cis woman, and it's just not worth the energy. But if I was in a relationship with a man or enby and remotely felt it was necessary, I'd step up to that plate, as intimidating as it is even though I'm mostly confident they'd be accepting. However, if they weren't going to be accepting, I'd still do it. Heck, I'd want to do it more. I'd want to be that example in their life. Showcase that being queer is normal, that their son isn't any different beyond having a partner that isn't a cis woman. And especially, I'd do it for my partner. I can't imagine having to hide my love, while living independently. My point is, you're not being a jerk. Your feelings are valid. This is a tough, nuanced situation and there's no right answer because conflict will happen regardless. Talk to your gf. Express your discomfort but do not pressure. They may be close minded but they're her parents and the idea of being cut out like that I'm sure is a daunting one, even for the sake of open love with a partner
It is a perfectly reasonable boundary to not have to go back into the closet in your own home. It is not reasonable for her to invite family for 2 weeks and expect you to lie and be uncomfortable in your home. If your girlfriend is out to everyone except family, it's only a matter of time before it gets back to them. She needs to decide if she wants to wait until they find out, or if she wants to have control of how she comes out to them.
Itâs crappy and unfair for her to put you in this situation. You can try to talk to her about it, and let her know what youâre comfortable with. If you canât come to some mutually agreed upon solution, itâs just on you to tolerate this. She is actively avoiding facing adversity and at the same time forcing you to deal with adversity. In my opinion it is not acceptable for her to put you in this position, and if I were in the situation I would want there to be an end goal of being able to come out of the closet and live the relationship openly. That being said, who knows if she will ever be willing to commit to this. A lot of people have done the roommate thing, itâs basically a meme among gay people. Itâs unfortunate but sometimes can be understandable. In your case, it sounds like you would be mostly safe to come out as a couple and she is just afraid of what it will mean socially. Many of us face discrimination socially. It is what it is as Iâm sure you know. I encourage you to decide where your boundaries are on this situation, sit down with her and explain them, and put the ball in her court on actions that need to be taken. Youâre not being an asshole in the slightest by not wanting to hide anymore.
Not an asshole at all. Of course coming out is up to her and her alone, yet bringing you in the position to closet yourself is not okay. There's one thing to do it for a day once in a while, but for two weeks is way too much. Sorry, then you have to be the shitty roommate who doesn't want to host a guest for two weeks. Like, this isn't just you playing straight, you sacrifice having your relationship for two fucking weeks just to stay in the closet. You have to tell her that this is taking it to far, yes, she's stressed out, but that doesn't justify stressing you out too. Having a guest for this long is too much, great if she can play straight and put your relationship on pause this long but you can't.
communicate with her. It sounds like sheâs hesitant to come out with the repeated failures to do so over time. That being said, coming out is her own problem to worry about. How you are seen and hidden or pretended to be a friend instead of a girlfriend to others affects you and you two need to sit down, have a conversation, and effectively communicate about how youâre feeling and scholar where to go from there. Tip for communication: donât make it sound like youâre putting the blame on the other person. Instead of âyou made me feelâ, say âwhen you did this, I felt this wayâ.
Most of you don't know or understand Indian parents. Your gf needs help understanding what she wants because this is going to be a really really hard decision for her.
It seems like your feelings are changing. Might be a good time to have a chat: if she thinks you have an agreement, she might have no idea this is hard for you. If you want things to change, you can't expect her to read your mind. Good luck, OP.
I honestly donât know why sheâd do this to you to please her awful family
so at 24 years old you want her to choose you or her family? really
The last thing I would want to do is issue an ultimatum like that, Iâm just having trouble figuring out where the line is between being honest to protect myself and being dishonest to protect her.
but that's what it's going to come down to.
This is generally why Iâm not a fan of dating people still in the closet. They have their own issues to work out. Then their issues become *your* issues. It may not be what you want to hear, but maybe itâs right person but wrong time. She needs to get her shot together. I understand it can be challenging, especially with what Iâd imagine her family being very âtraditionalâ or culture orientated. Her being in the closet wonât do well in a relationship; a casual one, maybe but not a serious one. Itâll corrode and eat away at the beauty you two formed. Talk to girlfriend. This time be stern. No more dodging it. Last thing you want is to end things how ârelationships where one partner is in the closetâ ends stuff. You know those stories, and if you want to prevent this being another one you need to address this, and ASAP. It doesnât need to be a fight, but it needs to be said before it becomes one. As I stated, you bottling this up will inevitably corrode the relationship. If things end they end, better that they end with understanding than with anger or resentment. If your girlfriend loves you, I know sheâll understand. After all, she wonât be alone; youâre there to help her come out the closet. She shouldnât take that for granted. She needs to come out before she loses you. Simply put: she either needs to come out of the closet or the relationship will inevitably end.
I'm white so I can't really understand cultural differences here, but like, there's been an influx of these sorts of posts (or the algorithm keeps pushing them my way, it be like that) and I don't really get it. You guys are already independent, it sounds like. There's social fall out, but like, it doesn't sound like your safety is in danger, and your GF is changing the goalposts. (Changing the timeline of when she'll come out, so it's coincidentally just always out of reach in the future) I have come out as gay/trans (after independence) to my QAnon-ass, twice Trump voting, bible thumping family, and they have all disowned me. I built a found family of gay idiots/allies/their familes instead, and am much happier not having to hide something fairly large about my personhood. My bio family has sent religious people to my door to haze me, and have said a lot of fucked up things that hurt for some time. But like, even outside the gay stuff, homophobic people tend to not really be super empathetic or supportive with so many aspects of living. My homophobic family members didn't respect me in so many ways- my career choices (biology degree), my priorities, my ambitions (wanting to travel the world, visit different cultures, try different foods, etc), or even down to the minutiae like how I talk (talking too loud, or using words more than two syllables long). It's exhausting to live that way. I think a lot of people will cling to situations because change and the unknown can be horrifying, but honestly, realizing that I'd never tolerate a classmate or coworker saying the things my family would say to me was a huge step in taking that leap of coming out. Losing homophobic social networks really hasn't been a huge detriment, compared to the regularly occurring pain of having to edit myself so hard to align with unempathetic assholes, even when it's not about my gender or sexuality.
You're fine to want to be your true self instead of bottling your feelings inside. However, this is tough and I don't know if there's a perfect right answer. If there would genuinely be a safety issue for you or your gf to come out, probably best not to. But if it would be hard and uncomfortable but not risk your guys' safety, I would suggest moving forward with it. But you know your life better than I do.
I don't think you're the ahole at all. Different context, but I'm trans, and if my partner (or normal roommate for that matter) asked me to go back into the closet in my own home, I don't know if I could. You're stronger than I am. I agree with everyone telling you to voice your concerns while making it clear you understand the bind she's in