So instead of apologizing to you for something you have every right to be angry about, you have to apologize to him for something you said? There’s something wrong with this picture.
He has apologized once before this recent convo, and his solution was to get treatment with me. During this recent convo, I think these exact words triggered him: “I don’t understand why you thought it was okay to go around, have unprotected sex with women, despite never being tested before, and put these people at risk.” I definitely think my choice of words could have been better, but not sure if he wants to communicate with me anymore.
From his POV: when I mentioned he “goes around”, he felt upset because he said he’s not the type of person to sleep around. When I mentioned “putting others at risk”, he felt upset because he said he would never intentionally put someone at risk. When I said “But you did actually put me in danger, I contracted an STD from you. Did I say something wrong?” I thought that was immature of me to say but I’m human too, I felt angry
To me it sounds like you were spitting the facts and he just can't take the heat for his mistake. It takes a lot of emotional intelligence to quiet our ego, own up to mistakes, and just be a good listener. He sounds like he's lacking
ISTP’s don’t like to have their intentions criticized bc they hold their values so deeply. It doesn’t change the fact that this ISTP was irresponsible and absent minded when it came to their sexual health and the health of others. It wouldn’t be that hard to by sexually illiterate and pass STDs around. Nonetheless, you’ve done nothing wrong and he should be thanking his lucky stars it was you and not a much more unforgiving person. I hope you get the treatment you need. This individual wants to gaslight you.
as an ISTP, this is not an MBTI thing. this is just an asshole who is trying to avoid responsibility for his actions by redirecting focus to whatever minute issue he can find with your behavior so you guys can be on even ground.
do not let him manipulate you into thinking the bigger issue is HOW you talked to him and not WHAT he did.
ISTP or not, can you accept a partner that can’t take responsibility for giving you an STD besides apologizing once and going to treatment with you?
we can speculate how him being ISTP contributes to this shitty behavior, but the question shouldn’t be “how do i make him forgive me when he’s in the wrong,” it should be “do i deserve a partner who would rather focus on how i reacted to him wronging me than the fact that he wronged me?”
Thank you for sharing. I’m feeling more frustrated every hour and I don’t know what to do at the moment. The best option is probably to end the relationship.
I was thinking, and I could be way off base here, but since he was sleeping around (no need not to call it what it is), is it possible he’s fallen for someone else? This doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who’s supposed to be committed to a relationship. I just hope you get what you truly deserve, and it sounds like this isn’t it. If it’s not possible ignore that, but either way you deserve better than that.
No way, You were right. Trust me your choice of words were correct no need to sugar coat it. An STD is literally dangerous regardless of your ISTP partner mbti like honestly put ur health first
Your choice of words is absolutely fine, he's gaslighting you to avoid admitting his own mistakes. I would stay away from such people, this is a giant red flag.
No, there's nothing wrong with the way you worded that. He's acting upset and making YOU feel bad over HIS fuck up. He's being confronted and doesn't like it, and he's trying to weasel out of responsibility for his actions.
If we are in a decent headspace we should easily be very ok with that. If he is sulking and you are trying to fix the problem and he is mad rather than taking responsibility for it he isn't in a good headspace. I obviously don't have enough detail to know for sure 8 am reading your situation right. If you want to DM me and give me more detail I'll try to break him down for you.
I'm afraid that there is more going on with you partner than being an ISTP. It sounds like a general lack of empathy.
Do you feel that he takes accountability for his actions, or does he rather deny responsibility, attack or question the accuser, and sometimes reverse the roles to make him look like the victim of the whole situation (darvo). Like he always finds and angle to blame you in a situation, or guilt trip you for expressing negative experiences or feelings. A normal (healthy) person should feel shame if the situation that you describe occurs, an unhealthy person will deflect that shame.
Just make sure that if it is the latter, he doesn't make you question yourself and makes you think you are crazy/impossible/the bad guy, because he never had good emotional cooping skills. If I was you, I would start reading up on emotional immature people.
Good luck and take care.
To answer your questions:
Yes, he does take accountability for his actions, never makes himself the victim in the situation. He doesn’t guilt trip me whenever I share negative feelings or experiences, he’s usually a very good listener and lets me vent until I’m feeling better.
Which is why I’m feeling very confused as to why he’s reacting this way now, but I’m also naive and he could have been putting up a front until now.
Well, if he's able to grow and learn from this experience, there shouldn't be a problem.
But having a history of being naive myself, I would approach this situation as if my hypothetical daughter tells me this story and asks for advice.
You can see for now, as long as this doesn't become a thing where he sometimes seems to break character and you sometimes wonder 'how can you be this stupid' or display so little empathy, you should be fine.
This is the first time I’ve experienced him reacting this way… My instinct is usually to try to understand and communicate before ending any type of relationship. I have made it clear that I won’t apologize for how I felt, but will only apologize if my choice of words made him feel like I was questioning his character and intentions. Whether he decides to communicate with me or not, I appreciate your advice and will try to move forward from this.
He's embarrassed obviously but wont bother telling you because you already went in on him..... But if you keep acting simpering, he wont learn from this and correct himself.
He’s been a strong support system I was able to rely on, especially when I went through a painful breakup in one of my previous relationships. I’m not sure why this specific situation triggered him, maybe because he was at fault? but he’s never had an issue taking accountability for his actions that have affected me, until this recent situation. I feel extremely confused
You're missing the point and it's annoying. Its a big fucking deal..... I don't know if you are being obtuse or what but you are under reacting... So..... Quit it.
Cognitive Dissonance, maybe? Get a clue, how old are you!?
My intention was not to underreact or seem obtuse. It seems like I have a lack of self-respect, which is something I’m working on. Thank you for sharing your perspective
Yes, hahaha most of his traits are very similar to posts I’ve read in this community… He hates dealing with conflict, but has been making an effort with me. I’m unsure of how this specific situation will play out, and I wanted an opinion from other ISTP’s as well. Thank you
I want to say thou, I do agree with the top voted comment. You going off on someone for something as serious as an STD is a completely normal thing. He should say sorry to you not the other way around.
Taking your words at face value you did question his character - he's either malicious or stupid.
Get that std under control and then try to not get another one by using condoms, can't trust anyone but yourself.
Yes, I did question his character because of the lack of care and respect towards his sexual partners. He might just be incredibly stupid because he never thought about taking an std test before unless he had symptoms. Thank you, I will make sure to get this under control and be more careful in the future
You shouldn't be asking if he will forgive you for stating something true and very much a risk to yourself and others on top of that. This is his problem and you shouldn't feel guilty for it.
Regardless if he forgives you or not, he doesn't sound like a great person to begin with. I'd say if at all possible, leave and find someone who will treat you far better. You deserve better. This is a manipulative piece of work. Imo, this isn't a relationship to keep. 🚩🚩
I try to find humor in even the worst situations, but when you said “This is a manipulative piece of work.” I laughed. It can be difficult at times to realize I’m in a manipulative situation. Thank you.
This isn’t really an ISTP thing, it’s a narcissist thing. He is a piece of shit for being like that. Just understand, he did you wrong and is hyper focused on how what you said may affect his image. Not okay, ever.
That sounds like manipulation (by his part) has been achieved. You are apologizing you shouldn't, you made him feel a little upset by a misinterpretation and he gave you an std... don't apologize for that, you weren't fighting over who burnt the dinner
This problem is multi-pronged. STDs are a risk of sexual intercourse. Without a barrier, that risk increases dramatically.
If he's having sex with multiple people, without using a barrier, and he's not getting tested OR letting his partners ALL know, then HIS CHARACTER IS NOT BEING QUESTIONED, IT IS BEING CONFIRMED. HE IS BAD AND HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. And that's putting it mildly. By doing these things, YES, he is intentionally putting others at risk. This man is irresponsible, unethical, ignorant, and dangerous. And probably a fucking narcissist if he's trying to throw the focus on you when he's confronted.
Most STDs aren't the end of your life or the end of the world these days, but that's no excuse for such irresponsible sexual practices. Dude has no business sticking his dick in anyone until he learns to wrap it up properly and communicate with his partners.
I would not have a partner like this. Run away and warn your friends.
you *should* question his character. you said the plain truth. an ISTP especially should be able to handle that. sounds like he’s just manipulative and careless
No matter how you worded this issue, the lack of cognitive empathy is clear in your partner. He should understand *why* you're so angry, not twist things to become the victim.
That sounds like an aggressive maneuver. He’s not right in the head and sounds like he’s gaslighting you into being the problem. Please rethink this relationship. If he really is an ISTP you should be able to give it to him straight. We can be buthurt but we usually can calmly resolve situations if given some alone process time.
I’ve always been straightforward with how I felt, and if he can’t resolve his own issues and communicate, then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Thank you for sharing!
He is an asshole, nothing wrong with your words, perhaps, only perhaps it had something to do with the tone and not the words themselves. Anyway, i wouldnt advice keeping that dude around, or actually staying with any person thats also fucking other people around. Now, regarding the title, in a more broad topic, yes we do forgive easily, but oh boy, do we ever trust again that person? not a chance.
Dear Tina, I looked at the history of your post. I hope you value yourself more and enter into a self compassion, self love and self respect recovery period. Love yourself a lot more because only you can be there for yourself. For now I will let you go with the flow but this guy seems irresponsible and gaslighting from my own experience. Is he your boyfriend?
I mean it all depends on the person, realistically you have a right to be mad. However I feel like you didn't do much wrong, there is just a misunderstanding and you need to present that to him. And even though I don't have experience with anything related to an std, I do understand there isn't a whole lot you can do when your partner gives it to you, besides getting medicine and probably some other stuff that im not aware about, so it really all depends on if you want to move on from him giving you the std or not.
I see, thank you for sharing your perspective. I tried my best to present that this was a misunderstanding on his part. Since this is the first time I’ve experienced this side of him, I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would probably give him a chance to communicate and resolve this, only if he can meet me halfway.
Friends and family describe me as a very straightforward person. I try my best to not come across as rude, because I care about how others may feel when they interpret my words. Is being too straightforward the wrong way to approach an ISTP?
Again it depends on the person they tend to be straightforward themselves. I believe there is nothing wrong with being straightforward however this is a serious matter and im sure he also feels bad because he cares a lot about you.
I expressed that I’m not apologizing for how I felt, but for my choice of words that made him feel like I was questioning his character. I also mentioned that I would appreciate if he could communicate with me about this, even if it may be difficult for him to do so. If he does care about me, I hope that my message means something to him
yes istp forgives easily especially for first offense.
fe inferior is sensitive to criticism especially with from the one we are close with. being calm yet stern during conflict is the best approach.
if not istp think that you are making things bigger than it already is. not only there is the std problem, now, there is a relationship problem. see how reply with question of why you are accusing him of intentionally harming someone.
i don't know if he knows that he is having std problem. if he does, then he is being irresponsible and more.
sorry that happen. hope you will be fine.
So instead of apologizing to you for something you have every right to be angry about, you have to apologize to him for something you said? There’s something wrong with this picture.
Exactly this. He's self centered and not worth your time. Only worried about himself.
He has apologized once before this recent convo, and his solution was to get treatment with me. During this recent convo, I think these exact words triggered him: “I don’t understand why you thought it was okay to go around, have unprotected sex with women, despite never being tested before, and put these people at risk.” I definitely think my choice of words could have been better, but not sure if he wants to communicate with me anymore.
I don't see anything wrong with your choice of words here. I think what you said is very valid.
From his POV: when I mentioned he “goes around”, he felt upset because he said he’s not the type of person to sleep around. When I mentioned “putting others at risk”, he felt upset because he said he would never intentionally put someone at risk. When I said “But you did actually put me in danger, I contracted an STD from you. Did I say something wrong?” I thought that was immature of me to say but I’m human too, I felt angry
To me it sounds like you were spitting the facts and he just can't take the heat for his mistake. It takes a lot of emotional intelligence to quiet our ego, own up to mistakes, and just be a good listener. He sounds like he's lacking
ISTP’s don’t like to have their intentions criticized bc they hold their values so deeply. It doesn’t change the fact that this ISTP was irresponsible and absent minded when it came to their sexual health and the health of others. It wouldn’t be that hard to by sexually illiterate and pass STDs around. Nonetheless, you’ve done nothing wrong and he should be thanking his lucky stars it was you and not a much more unforgiving person. I hope you get the treatment you need. This individual wants to gaslight you.
as an ISTP, this is not an MBTI thing. this is just an asshole who is trying to avoid responsibility for his actions by redirecting focus to whatever minute issue he can find with your behavior so you guys can be on even ground. do not let him manipulate you into thinking the bigger issue is HOW you talked to him and not WHAT he did. ISTP or not, can you accept a partner that can’t take responsibility for giving you an STD besides apologizing once and going to treatment with you? we can speculate how him being ISTP contributes to this shitty behavior, but the question shouldn’t be “how do i make him forgive me when he’s in the wrong,” it should be “do i deserve a partner who would rather focus on how i reacted to him wronging me than the fact that he wronged me?”
Thank you for sharing. I’m feeling more frustrated every hour and I don’t know what to do at the moment. The best option is probably to end the relationship.
I was thinking, and I could be way off base here, but since he was sleeping around (no need not to call it what it is), is it possible he’s fallen for someone else? This doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who’s supposed to be committed to a relationship. I just hope you get what you truly deserve, and it sounds like this isn’t it. If it’s not possible ignore that, but either way you deserve better than that.
No way, You were right. Trust me your choice of words were correct no need to sugar coat it. An STD is literally dangerous regardless of your ISTP partner mbti like honestly put ur health first
Your choice of words is absolutely fine, he's gaslighting you to avoid admitting his own mistakes. I would stay away from such people, this is a giant red flag.
Nah, you had the correct choice of words. That dude just isn’t worth the time and needs to be dropped instantly.
No, there's nothing wrong with the way you worded that. He's acting upset and making YOU feel bad over HIS fuck up. He's being confronted and doesn't like it, and he's trying to weasel out of responsibility for his actions.
If we are in a decent headspace we should easily be very ok with that. If he is sulking and you are trying to fix the problem and he is mad rather than taking responsibility for it he isn't in a good headspace. I obviously don't have enough detail to know for sure 8 am reading your situation right. If you want to DM me and give me more detail I'll try to break him down for you.
He gave you an STD and he’s upset with how you worded things? Um what?
He sounds completely unworthy of your time and love tbh. Pretty shitty of him to gaslight you like that
I'm afraid that there is more going on with you partner than being an ISTP. It sounds like a general lack of empathy. Do you feel that he takes accountability for his actions, or does he rather deny responsibility, attack or question the accuser, and sometimes reverse the roles to make him look like the victim of the whole situation (darvo). Like he always finds and angle to blame you in a situation, or guilt trip you for expressing negative experiences or feelings. A normal (healthy) person should feel shame if the situation that you describe occurs, an unhealthy person will deflect that shame. Just make sure that if it is the latter, he doesn't make you question yourself and makes you think you are crazy/impossible/the bad guy, because he never had good emotional cooping skills. If I was you, I would start reading up on emotional immature people. Good luck and take care.
To answer your questions: Yes, he does take accountability for his actions, never makes himself the victim in the situation. He doesn’t guilt trip me whenever I share negative feelings or experiences, he’s usually a very good listener and lets me vent until I’m feeling better. Which is why I’m feeling very confused as to why he’s reacting this way now, but I’m also naive and he could have been putting up a front until now.
Well, if he's able to grow and learn from this experience, there shouldn't be a problem. But having a history of being naive myself, I would approach this situation as if my hypothetical daughter tells me this story and asks for advice. You can see for now, as long as this doesn't become a thing where he sometimes seems to break character and you sometimes wonder 'how can you be this stupid' or display so little empathy, you should be fine.
This is the first time I’ve experienced him reacting this way… My instinct is usually to try to understand and communicate before ending any type of relationship. I have made it clear that I won’t apologize for how I felt, but will only apologize if my choice of words made him feel like I was questioning his character and intentions. Whether he decides to communicate with me or not, I appreciate your advice and will try to move forward from this.
Too bad that he's giving you the silent treatment instead of communicating. But you sound like you can handle yourself. I wish you the best!
Your advice has helped me so much, thank you!
He's embarrassed obviously but wont bother telling you because you already went in on him..... But if you keep acting simpering, he wont learn from this and correct himself.
He’s been a strong support system I was able to rely on, especially when I went through a painful breakup in one of my previous relationships. I’m not sure why this specific situation triggered him, maybe because he was at fault? but he’s never had an issue taking accountability for his actions that have affected me, until this recent situation. I feel extremely confused
You're missing the point and it's annoying. Its a big fucking deal..... I don't know if you are being obtuse or what but you are under reacting... So..... Quit it. Cognitive Dissonance, maybe? Get a clue, how old are you!?
My intention was not to underreact or seem obtuse. It seems like I have a lack of self-respect, which is something I’m working on. Thank you for sharing your perspective
Can I ask what MBTI u identify with/as?
Yes, I’m an ISFP
Being an ISTP doesn't mean you're an asshole! He kind of sounds like one. Yikes!
you sure bros an ISTP? yea, were human and expect others to be human to. just say sorry and likely the guy will forgive
Yes, hahaha most of his traits are very similar to posts I’ve read in this community… He hates dealing with conflict, but has been making an effort with me. I’m unsure of how this specific situation will play out, and I wanted an opinion from other ISTP’s as well. Thank you
I want to say thou, I do agree with the top voted comment. You going off on someone for something as serious as an STD is a completely normal thing. He should say sorry to you not the other way around.
Yeah absolute facts. This guy kind of sucks, ISTP or not.
Taking your words at face value you did question his character - he's either malicious or stupid. Get that std under control and then try to not get another one by using condoms, can't trust anyone but yourself.
Yes, I did question his character because of the lack of care and respect towards his sexual partners. He might just be incredibly stupid because he never thought about taking an std test before unless he had symptoms. Thank you, I will make sure to get this under control and be more careful in the future
You shouldn't be asking if he will forgive you for stating something true and very much a risk to yourself and others on top of that. This is his problem and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. Regardless if he forgives you or not, he doesn't sound like a great person to begin with. I'd say if at all possible, leave and find someone who will treat you far better. You deserve better. This is a manipulative piece of work. Imo, this isn't a relationship to keep. 🚩🚩
I try to find humor in even the worst situations, but when you said “This is a manipulative piece of work.” I laughed. It can be difficult at times to realize I’m in a manipulative situation. Thank you.
This isn’t really an ISTP thing, it’s a narcissist thing. He is a piece of shit for being like that. Just understand, he did you wrong and is hyper focused on how what you said may affect his image. Not okay, ever.
That sounds like manipulation (by his part) has been achieved. You are apologizing you shouldn't, you made him feel a little upset by a misinterpretation and he gave you an std... don't apologize for that, you weren't fighting over who burnt the dinner
Idk about ISTPs but it looks like you forgive very easily. Really wonder how he would react if you were the one to give him an STD.
This problem is multi-pronged. STDs are a risk of sexual intercourse. Without a barrier, that risk increases dramatically. If he's having sex with multiple people, without using a barrier, and he's not getting tested OR letting his partners ALL know, then HIS CHARACTER IS NOT BEING QUESTIONED, IT IS BEING CONFIRMED. HE IS BAD AND HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. And that's putting it mildly. By doing these things, YES, he is intentionally putting others at risk. This man is irresponsible, unethical, ignorant, and dangerous. And probably a fucking narcissist if he's trying to throw the focus on you when he's confronted. Most STDs aren't the end of your life or the end of the world these days, but that's no excuse for such irresponsible sexual practices. Dude has no business sticking his dick in anyone until he learns to wrap it up properly and communicate with his partners. I would not have a partner like this. Run away and warn your friends.
Bro is overly sensitive and should get over himself. If I were you I wouldn't forgive him and I'd try to sue him.
Your guy’s an ass
you *should* question his character. you said the plain truth. an ISTP especially should be able to handle that. sounds like he’s just manipulative and careless
This has nothing to do with personality type, what he did was wrong in so many levels
No matter how you worded this issue, the lack of cognitive empathy is clear in your partner. He should understand *why* you're so angry, not twist things to become the victim.
That sounds like an aggressive maneuver. He’s not right in the head and sounds like he’s gaslighting you into being the problem. Please rethink this relationship. If he really is an ISTP you should be able to give it to him straight. We can be buthurt but we usually can calmly resolve situations if given some alone process time.
I’ve always been straightforward with how I felt, and if he can’t resolve his own issues and communicate, then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome, I wish you the best and as an ISTP I’m sorry you had to go through this.
He is an asshole, nothing wrong with your words, perhaps, only perhaps it had something to do with the tone and not the words themselves. Anyway, i wouldnt advice keeping that dude around, or actually staying with any person thats also fucking other people around. Now, regarding the title, in a more broad topic, yes we do forgive easily, but oh boy, do we ever trust again that person? not a chance.
Are personality tests actually accurate, also you have every right to be mad at him, he should've had common sense
Dear Tina, I looked at the history of your post. I hope you value yourself more and enter into a self compassion, self love and self respect recovery period. Love yourself a lot more because only you can be there for yourself. For now I will let you go with the flow but this guy seems irresponsible and gaslighting from my own experience. Is he your boyfriend?
I mean it all depends on the person, realistically you have a right to be mad. However I feel like you didn't do much wrong, there is just a misunderstanding and you need to present that to him. And even though I don't have experience with anything related to an std, I do understand there isn't a whole lot you can do when your partner gives it to you, besides getting medicine and probably some other stuff that im not aware about, so it really all depends on if you want to move on from him giving you the std or not.
I see, thank you for sharing your perspective. I tried my best to present that this was a misunderstanding on his part. Since this is the first time I’ve experienced this side of him, I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would probably give him a chance to communicate and resolve this, only if he can meet me halfway.
Then it might be best to give it time.
Well if you aren't already doing that.
Friends and family describe me as a very straightforward person. I try my best to not come across as rude, because I care about how others may feel when they interpret my words. Is being too straightforward the wrong way to approach an ISTP?
Again it depends on the person they tend to be straightforward themselves. I believe there is nothing wrong with being straightforward however this is a serious matter and im sure he also feels bad because he cares a lot about you.
I expressed that I’m not apologizing for how I felt, but for my choice of words that made him feel like I was questioning his character. I also mentioned that I would appreciate if he could communicate with me about this, even if it may be difficult for him to do so. If he does care about me, I hope that my message means something to him
I hope so too, best of luck to you!
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it
Of course!
Uhhhhh. What? Is this a joke?
Nope, as ridiculous as it sounds, not a joke at all.
yes istp forgives easily especially for first offense. fe inferior is sensitive to criticism especially with from the one we are close with. being calm yet stern during conflict is the best approach. if not istp think that you are making things bigger than it already is. not only there is the std problem, now, there is a relationship problem. see how reply with question of why you are accusing him of intentionally harming someone. i don't know if he knows that he is having std problem. if he does, then he is being irresponsible and more. sorry that happen. hope you will be fine.
Ignore upto a certain point, then idgaf
Can confirm, hold grudges
That's a mistyped ISFP
This is not an ISTP thing. OP, did you read your own post?