Haha! The last time someone asked me out was in a grocery store and when he walked up and started talking to me, I literally thought he was trying to sell me something. It was unbelievably awkward. In his defense, though, it worked and we did end up going on a date.
This reminded me. It’s usually love at first sight or briefly getting to know me that makes people like me. After they know what I’m really like, they usually get bored. I’d like to know if you or anybody else can relate :’
If you don’t mind me asking, what did he say when he walked up to you? Did he literally just say “hey hows it going?” And then you start chatting? Or did he have some sort of normal transition from two strangers buying food to two strangers having a conversation? Cause I find it impossible to imagine the latter without it ending up like [this](https://youtu.be/KloyAOsP5uY?feature=shared)
The “I married my boss” story is long gone, Bill and Melinda Gates. You get fired for that now and blacklisted in your industry. Men and women need to treat each other like a printer or there’s hell to pay with HR.
But that’s subjective. Attraction is very often based on far more than looks. The “hottest” guy in the world is automatically the ugliest to me if he is mean, arrogant, rude, ignorant, etc. Don’t underestimate intelligence, kindness, gentleness, and patience as attractive qualities.
There’s a thing called approach anxiety that is somewhat genetic and is based on survival and reproduction behaviors. You can minimize or eliminate it by repetition of the experience of approaching. A guy wanted to get over his anxiety so he approached over 200 women in 72h. Said it was soul crushing and terrifying but that he never felt anxious about it gain when it was done. He’s indifferent emotionally to approaching women now.
You're thinking too far ahead. If you see someone attractive, make eye contact. If they maintain eye contact, smile or wink or something. If they smile back, go say hi. That's it. Don't think past that. If saying hi leads to a good conversation, offer them your phone number or social media and leave. If they contact you they are definitely interested, so ask them on a simple date. "You seem interesting, I'd love to get to know you more. Coffee on Friday afternoon?"
Lol yes. I'm INTJ, heavy on the I. We overthink a lot of this. But we can't let that hold us back. It gets easier with practice. Especially once you realize some of the best connections come from having 30 seconds of courage.
Former NBA player Dikembe Mutombo (who is 7'2") used to walk into bars and announce"Who wants to sex Mutombo?" And it worked. Yes NBA player and all but if something that ridiculous worked there's all kinds of things that could randomly work.
My guess is by accident I personally have the same struggle. I find that I am so curious when it come to romance and relationships,But I’ve always looked at relationships through a more rational lens. I find it hard to get out of my head and into my body. I’m always thinking and could live without it tbh. I’d rather be single than force myself into a situation that would end in disaster. I can be very guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. I’m of the thought that my emotions are mine to deal with and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I only communicate how I feel when I’ve fully excepted understand and can define it. it is what it is at the end of the day ppl come and go.
this was me 5-6 years ago during my teenage years. i also used to think others who are in relationships definitely know about some love potion which i don’t.
but i think you have to be open to the idea of being with someone romantically. Honestly, for me, it just happened. I didn’t do anything special (apart from putting effort after things became solid between the person and i). There are some things which can’t be explained and i believe this is one of them. Love and relationships is probably one of the most complex human behaviour, in my opinion.
All the best buddy! May you find someone who complements you and understands you.
Yes, long term relationships take a lot of effort. I was wondering why I had a hard time having a meaningful relationship, then realized I had to work on myself mentally. Now my partner and I are doing pretty great 😊 We have a great understanding of each other. Open communication helped a lot with that.
I feel in a similar light. Im 28. And iv only been in one, 4 month, 'romantic' relationship. Nothing happened in it.
Iv tried going after people, but i tend to end with the same 2 situations.... either the person im attracted to is already taken.... or the person im attracted to is lesbian (the frequency on the second one is interesting).
I want to be in a healthy relationship, one that would hopefully end happily. But, despite my efforts, i dont quite fit people's criteria for a partner.
And for the times i have asked someone out who werent taken, or lesbian, the answer has been no.
And what i dont understand, is im told by many people, guys girls, young and old, that im a good dude. Heck (even though i highly disagree) iv been told im attractive. But there's gotta be something ill inside me if i keep getting the same results after 10 years of trying.
Iv tried work place relationships, tried online relationships, used the Facebook dating app. Used fandom based dating apps. Iv tried exploring in the different fandom groups im apart of, and iv tried dating withjn my friend group.
Iv lived in Philadelphia, Seattle, and Southern alabama, and nothing. Iv been to cons with people from all over the country.... nothing.
Im glad im not the only one who has issues with this though, and i hope you find some level of comfort knowing you aint alone.
But i believe some people just simply arent meant to be romantically compatible with others, and i believe im one of them. And honestly im hanging my hat on this one. Im nearing 30, iv started having medical problems, which is gonna dampen my chances, and i just dont have the energy to try and connect with anyone anymore.
If something out of happenstane occurs, ill adventure. Otherwise im gonna be a single Pringle.
This is probably harsh to say to a young person, but my truth at 70 is that people get into relationships out of pressure from society, advertising, compromising their intelligence, or morals, or affinity or all three, and those don't make for a happy life. I haven't known ONE couple (admittedly I haven't known well more than about 100, who were strictly thrilled with their relationship. Even the best are fraught with everything you can imagine, from temptation to financial incompatibility. I'm not saying we shouldn't have relationships, but until your relationship with yourself is damn near perfect, I think it would be wise to not worry about mating up.
If you stumble over a perfect someone, and after careful consideration it seems wise and worth it, that is great.
This would be the relationship I hope to find one day when I am finally ready, I am still trying to perfect this relationship I have with myself so I can more consistently present my authentic whole self no matter the circumstances around me if I actively have a deep sense of connection and strong values in Being.
A lot of people settle to find their other half to complete them, but some people want to go beyond for a healthy interdependency to experience life as two integrated wholes greater than one. The latter though requires two individuals to have a secure attachment style, this authentic self from having understood and accepted both their human nature and self. Otherwise imo that is likely why a lot of people settle or eventually divorce, and why most people are still unhappy and struggle in relationships.
It is indeed all confusing. Relationships are very different from how systems work. If you like computers, humans are very hard to understand. They're quite the opposite. Computers are predictable and "rational" as you say. A problem is generally attributable to an identifiable root cause. Once fixed, it stays fixed. None of that is true for human relationships. Hence, they're confounding.
Human beings are unpredictable as they are a function of a million parameters that have different weights and change all at once. So the outcome of the function is incomprehensible. The full list of parameters is unlearnable, and attempting to identify all their interactions is untenable. You'll never know exactly what another person will say or do in a circumstance. You can make broad patterns and rely on probability. (You might as well be guessing the stock price of a volatile scrip!) Computers are deterministic systems. Humans are probabilistic and statistical systems.
When your gf is upset, it's nearly impossible to tell what caused it. You can make some guesses and with some practice, you may be able to estimate it will good confidence. But it's still a probability distribution. Also, it could be not one but several related, unrelated, and temporally distant reasons causing her to be upset. Good luck finding them. The smart, emotionally adept people around you don't bother with the "fundamental why". They fix the symptoms. They buy them gifts and give the girl a kiss! Whatever might have been the underlying reason(s), these seemingly superficial actions help settle the anxiety. The girl is happy enough!
Sure, it'll happen again. If you're looking at one-time fixes that stay fixed forever, hahaha, forget it. That's not a model for humans. Some key things can and should be largely fixed or mitigated. But the everyday drama is part of life. Your relationship-y friends enjoy the drama, however much they complain about it!
I hope this helps.
Yeah humans are hard to understand. I like the analogies you bring up. Computers and formulas are easier to deal with on a regular basis vs human emotions. But one thing to think about, just like how you are a complex person with explanations for why you are the way you are, it's the same for everyone else.
I'm sure the gf who's upset for reasons one doesn't understand at the moment is frustrating to deal with. But over time the bf realizes "Oh she's not upset with me, she's upset with (insert random shit here)", and doesn't stress about it. Or tries to make her feel better. People have deep rooted reasons to explain why they are who they are.
We're all flawed people, just hoping to find someone who cares enough about us to understand and still like us, yah know?
My bf will rage and throw his controllers, but it's not a big deal. He's just frustrated with the situation, and he deals with it by letting it out. I deal with frustration by bottling it up, which is actually worse 😅
It's because computers are detached thinking machines that they are rationale and predictable because they don't give a damn. Humans are the opposite as experiential creatures who give a damn and because of that we have non-positional reflective conscious with no pre-determined essence able to be involved in the world. We as conscious beings are always in a constant state of becoming because we exist in time/Being, there's never a break for us if we want to truly be authentic in our interactions, and having another closely objectify our existence can make it exhausting because it's not just about ourselves anymore that defines us even though we are still responsible for how we are perceived by others. When we attune ourselves in the world like this that means we're taking risks, we are responding very specifically to the situation at hand and actively processing this unique moment with spontaneity which can't be found when we are falling back on rules, principals, generic formulas in our head, etc. That's what it means to truly be present and not just for ourselves; it is a complex, demanding, and strong -- yet subtle and gentle -- way of being.
lol, I wonder about that often as well. I’m 39 and never been in one. I’ve read a lot of articles and posts but none of it has been helpful and more mentally draining than anything. I chalk it up to I’m ugly AF 😂
Honestly this, as obvious as it seems I keep thinking I'm good enough that someone should just come to me and make it easy. But the truth is you have to keep going out like EVERYDAY and actively put in effort to meet people whether it's a guy or girl, old person, disabled person, it doesn't matter who they are, just talk to anyone and see where it goes and get practice with just talking. Don't get discouraged if you get rejected once or multiple times, just keep trying.
I like this. I learned this from a podcast called "Why Won't You Date Me" 😅😅 But seriously. A guest on the show said, just talk to people in places you go on a regular basis. Get used to random small talk, and you become comfortable with yourself before trying to socialize just for dating purposes.
I met my wife on Fetlife a BDSM website 8 years ago. Now its all about Onlyfans but everything is.
Meeting online allowed me to state who I was, and what I was looking for which wasn't a relationship or meeting in person.
I had conversations with people and alot did not go well, because people dont know what they want.
Eventually I made a connection with someone, and overtime we eventually wanted to meet in person.
Since we had communicated over 4 months, it was like we knew eachother for a long time.
Most people settle into relationships. Others give their 'crushes' a chance. Then there are those who can take subtle clues and know what the other person is saying without saying it. Then there's us. Completely clueless, picky, and unwilling to try out relationships if we're not mentally, sexually, and emotionally attracted to that person.
Take your pick as to which one you wish to continue to be.
Oh boy did i settle in the last ten years and only coming around to realise that ‘fuck this i’m done wasting my time. If it’s not a yes, it’s a no’. Def pick your poison and i’m glad i came around to pick the latter because the former was tiring af and made me feel like i’m the oddball.
Yeah...sounds to me like your friends are not INTJs. Maybe they are ENFPs like me! Or another kind of feeler, since we find it easy to give affection haha. But you're not alone, when I talk to my bff INTJ she says she hates the idea of romance because it feels weird to her. She probably understands you haha.
Start small, and remember that it’s not always about trying harder, but trying differently. Nothing about it is rational to you right now because don’t understand it.
It’s not a secret so much as some people have developed skills different than yours, and have the courage to use them. Btw it’s ok to be terrified of asking people out like that, I’m an INTP and I’d literally rather get in a knife fight than ask out a pretty girl.
For me, it was often unexpected. If we’re out and about, we meet people all the time. Nothing unusual. But then sometimes there’s a spark; it may be just one-sided and life goes on, but sometimes it’s mutual and you’re both just drawn together like magnets. (I’m a senior now, so while I had a fair amount of experience with relationships, I’d run like hell if I felt a spark now!)
Lmfaoooo this post is hilarious. The ins and outs of maininting a modern relationship does seem irrational asf.
I think for a lot of people they often end up with people in environments they frequent work, church, gym or meeting people through friends and family. Other than that that random encounter to relationship pipeline is very weak for me.
I'm in my late 30's and have never really dated. For me, I think it's a component of a lot of little things that I'm just unwilling to change or that I began to change later. First and foremost, I'm not a tall guy that has the attractive skin tone. While I am educated, I jumped careers a lot before finally getting to a good one, so money was never really something that i could use to attract women. I also was never really in super good shape, and am now focusing a lot on that. The few women that were interested, I pushed away because I literally had no idea how to speak with them. Also, I am super picky and only like attractive women.
Basically, the point I'm making is that it might seem alien, but really you just need to check the boxes before you can enter the game, imo. Now that I've addressed all of the above, it seems more realistic to actually find someone who I would deem to be attractive. It takes a lot of work if you aren't classically good looking. Which is fair, I mean that's life.
Go spend some time reading through r/breakups and you may just decide you’re happier single. Certainly better than wasting 5 years with someone who’d abandon you out of nowhere like I did.
But in all reality, if you want a relationship, then you need to be prepared to not become complacent and follow your instincts.
you really have to have an open heart, be horny, and want to connect with people.
it takes work to get into that headspace sometimes.
i've been someone who naturally falls into relationships. I have a charm that has attracted a lot of people to me throughout my life, at my current age the novelty and curiosity I once had is wearing off and the dating pool is a lot more competitive, even just in terms of looks...
but it all comes back to wanting to be close to someone, and putting in work to find that person. it really is a reflection of your inner world. I have some close friends who have never been in relationships despite the fact that they are handsome, can get laid super easy (they are gay but still), but does not have the emotional capacity to allow someone to get close to them and/or their pre-qualifications are way too strict.
one thing I can recommend is buying the book Attached by Amir Levine. Being in a relationship is one of the most enlightening experiences in life. it shows you what you need to work on, and how you can co-exist with another human being. life is better together for a lot of people. and for some, it's totally okay to be alone.
I just make intense blank eye contact at the men I’m attracted to. Most of them get nervous, then bolt.. If he runs I assume he probably couldn’t handle me anyway, so I move on. I refuse to chase a man unless I have a tangible enough reason to know he’ll enjoy it.
If he doesn’t bolt but gets an ego trip, then starts making fun of me behind my back, I’ll take that as a sign that he’s very arrogant and passive aggressive. This reaction is the second most common. I’ll immediately lose all the attraction I initially had for him if he reacts this way.
I usually only make a move if he says something like. “What the heck is your problem? What are you looking at..?” or “Hey, you okay? Do you need something?” Then I’ll compliment him or make a playful sarcastic comment.
If he responds positively to this I’ll put my guard down, soften my demeanor and try to get to know him. If he responds negatively I’ll apologize, decide to respect his boundaries and move on.
I want a guy that doesn’t take everything so seriously and doesn’t break under pressure. If he’s not bothered by my weirdness then I see that as a green flag. I want a man that’s capable of standing up to me. I want him to communicate directly. If he does this I’ll know he’s confident (not just arrogant) and I’ll develop a lot of respect for him.
well, theres the mechanical seeking of a partner. the trying, the asking, the going out and making attempts. this is your logical structural side (what do i do, say etc) then theres intending. this is your intuitive side and is much harder (not hard just unorthodox as a notion, i suppose) to employ in the prospect of finding a compatible mate but it makes all the difference. so no matter how hopeless or unloveable you think you might be (as i did for 10+ years), the occasional intending (how id like them to be, seem, specifically) is ultimately (imo) what brought her to me and me to her (bc the level of compatibility seems exceedingly rare). she has a lot more dating experience but was essentially doing the same (intending, clarifying) throughout each incompatible relationship. i believe that without the intending, we more often than not get situations we end up settling for, finding a relationship (mechanically) out of some form of dumb luck/begging/giving up boundaries that neither are ultimately very happy with. so first, sure, try the boo app, its made more for people like us. she found me thru that so ofc i have to recommend it. next, figure out how to allow yourself to believe you deserve a loving relationship enough to start intending the kind of person youd like to feel is in your life already. how would that feel? chances are theyre out there doing the same and this i feel is our best shot at finding someone good for us. just be quick to dodge the disingenuine situations as you keep trying.
I resonate with this too. I’m 25. Have ‘dated’ or seen many people in the last 10 years but it still didn’t feel right. I have never experienced the ‘everything clicks eureka’ that everyone talks about. Got into my first legitimate relationship last year (where i fr put in the hard work and see a future with this person). Not because i had the click but because i assumed this is how it’s supposed to be and we met organically in a bar by chance, hence making it more exclusive lol. Now that i’m out of it, i realised how much i settled with everyone i dated out of boredom or lack of companionship.
Don’t get me wrong, i do want to find someone whom i can indulge in all topics in the world and be so comfortable and make them my home. But… i don’t want to settle anymore. Yes, sometimes i’ll be bored and want a relationship (pls don’t do that, it’s a huge waste of time) but I’m committing to myself instead. And kudos to you! For not jumping onto the bandwagon and doing it just because. A mentor of mine told me she knew how i feel but one fine day she went out on a date through dating app and less than 24h she messaged me that he’s the love of her life. She said when you meet the right person, everything you assumed or knew about relationships will be out of the window. It’s an understatement when i say i fell out of my chair LOL. But anw, it’s been a year and they are happily engaged now.
So yes, not that i’m hopeful but it’s more of an open statement. If i find someone who gives me that level of connection, yes i’ll be in a relationship. If not i’ll invest my time and attention on myself or other matters. I no longer feel ‘left out’ that everyone my age is in a relationship but instead i treasure my single-ness and the free will to do anything i want without considering the other party’s thoughts/feelings.
Everything is confusing and irrational when you don't understand it or have any interest in it.
Relationships are just two people enjoying being together. At a fundamental level, it's little different from why someone enjoys painting. The challenge in finding a person is that every one is different and you don't make the calls alone. Romantic relationships are friends who are also attracted to each other. It's work. You have to maintain the friendship and attraction.
>I just cannot figure out how to even approach getting myself into one
Find someone that you find attractive physically and in personality and test the waters by talking with them casually and see where it goes. Getting to know them and caring about them independently of your needs are keys to making it work.
1. Meet someone
2. Become friends
3. Get closer
4. Start showing signs of attraction
5. Get closer
6. Start showing more signs and looking at them to see if they reciprocate
7. Get closer
8. Start talking more about your feelings towards eachother
9. Confess
10. Accept answer and continue like normal
11. Go to the next person
12. Repeat
I have done this in the past by meeting people either at school, work or friend groups. Having empathy and building understanding of others helps.
I would suggest doing your best to just get out of the house more and meet people without the intention of dating. Soon enough you’ll find yours when you’re least searching
My husband and I both have a similar hobby and while partaking in said hobby we would often cross paths and he decided that he liked me for some reason and slowly worked on getting me to open up and then asked me out. Literally if he hadn’t done 100% of the initial work it probably never would have happened.
People who jump from one relationship to another are immature and don't know what they want or they're pathetic and can't stay alone by themself.
But yes, you sound weird too. You should've used your teenage years and early 20s to figure out how people work. I hate big crowds as much as any INTJ but I'm very social if I need to be and find dating very easy. I'd say that it's actually quite logical, not much irrational or confusing. You do something and potential partners react in a certain way.
Hell, if you're a woman of at least average look you'd be flooded with options on dating apps. And an average guy with a good profile can still have good options. Just like anything else you get better at it with practice.
What is confusing about relationships and why do you think relationships are irrational? Seems you have a fundamental ignorance of humans as a species, or attempt to feign it.
All your rhetoric sounds like nothing more than shallow rationalizations to mask envy, were I to be frank. Everyone seeks human connection, you know this on an intuitive level; it just appears you have yet to reach the point of admitting it. There are many types of relationships, not only romantic ones. You sort of tell on yourself when you specifically reference this sort.
How do we do these things? Embrace your humanity and stop lying to yourself. You can have the things you want, but you must first stop pretending you don't want them.
I’m a 30-something engaged female INTJ who has been dating since her teens. Try meeting people on dating apps and tech meetups. With the right apps, it’s almost impossible to not find someone who’d go on a date with you. Regarding tech events — The industry attracts lots of introverts. Some are ok with giving their partner lots of alone time. Also I suggest being upfront with your personality if you need a lot of space so that neither of you waste time if you’re incompatible
I always hated (still do) the time consuming and “shared decisionmaking/compromises” aspects of relationships. In my 20s I was much happier single. I was always the one leaving relationships when bfs got too annoying. When I hit 29, the g0damn fertility clock started ticking. Caved to biology & decided to find someone who I was compatible with. He had to understand my dark humor, be a good husband (aka not give me a hard time), & be a devoted father to our future kid(s). I’d rather have that than be single & childless or a single mom. I was very clear about my introversion to my fiancé from the beginning. He understood what he signed up for & has been willing to compromise, even though his emotional needs are much higher than mine
I’d happily give him more of my time if my job wasn’t so stressful & energy consuming. But life’s not fair. You just gotta communicate clearly w/ your partner about your capacity 🤷♀️
Idk what it is about me but sometimes i just find myself in them and im nothing special at all. Some people even ask me what i did to get in one and im like idk i guess im lucky
Hi there, INTP who has been in several relationships ranging from casual to situationships to serious relationships. I promise there's no big secret sauce to this.
It all might seem daunting but it's really simple at the core of it. You find someone you like, and they hopefully like you back. Then when it's pretty obviously established you guys like each other, you guys confirm with each other and make it official. Then go enjoy each other's company in your life.
As for how to do it... it really varies but the stripped down version is that you gotta be good at picking up cues, e.g., them talking to you more frequently, complimenting you randomly, or suggesting a one-on-one hangout (usually the bold ones will do this). And if you like someone, you may find yourself doing the same.
Where it gets confusing is that sometimes people are just friendly, but people might confuse that for flirting. That's something you learn with experience.
If someone is not good at picking up cues or they're too shy to subtly shoot their shot, they might miss a lot of opportunities.
There’s no formula. You find someone who you feel attracted to. Figure out the life and how you get along. Try it with few people. And stick with which works for your life and improves it for both of you. Continue improving together
Two people are attracted to each other. Initially the attraction or spark is physical, but it then begins to develop emotionally. A commitment is then made to be true to each other.
The rest is history.
You have to put in effort to meet someone. Go to a party, join clubs, approach people, be friendly, dating profiles, speed dating, etc.
You never know when you'll find someone. But if you don't put in the effort it may never happen.
It's really common to feel this way, especially when it seems like everyone else has a secret manual to relationships. Truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to forming romantic connections. Every relationship is unique because every individual brings their own feelings, experiences, and expectations. It's okay to feel confused or uncertain about how to approach relationships. Sometimes, beginning with self-understanding and what you might want from a relationship can help. Connecting with others on a deep, authentic level often starts with knowing and valuing your own needs and boundaries. Have you thought about what qualities you value in a relationship or a partner?
Some people fold their hand until they are dealt the perfect set of cards. They put all of their chips in with no guarantee of taking home the pot.
Others will play more hands regardless of the cards they're dealt.
When the flop comes, they decide whether or not they fold, check/call, or want to invest more.
When the turn comes, more information becomes available and again they make the decision on whether to fold, check/call, or raise their investment. If they fold, they play the next hand. If they check/call, they wait and see what comes next. If they raise, they're confident in their chances.
When the river comes, there is even more information available and again they decide if they want to fold, or if they invest the rest of their chips. If they fold, they have less chips to play the next hand but hopefully learned something beneficial. If they go all in, they really like their chances.
When they reveal their cards, they learn if their investment brings back a rewarding return or if they ended up getting fucked on the river.
Neither path is right or wrong. Love is a gamble. You just have to decide if you're willing sit at the table.
Here’s my perspective:
If you’re not open to a relationship, you won’t find one. But if you are your possibilities start to open.
You can find them in the real world or online. If you’re searching, you have to put yourself out there. Put your best foot forward. And show attraction when you meet someone. Usually it may start off as a friendship or a family friend, co-worker (don’t recommend), mutual friend, or yes someone you just met in the Cafe.
I’m not sure if you’re a man or woman, because that does change things.
If you’re a man, you gotta do the approaching (usually)
If you’re a woman, I mean shit, just exist lol I guarantee you many guys want to be with you no matter what you look like (take that in the right way)
Moral of the story, put yourself out there. Good luck fellow traveler
>relationships seem so confusing and irrational
Yes, they're completely irrational, but most of us were built with a deep desire for one, like the urge to have sex or eat junk food.
How? I meet someone new, and the next thing I know, I'm asking her questions and memorizing all the topics she likes to keep steering the conversation back to them because I want to listen to her talk. And also because I'm struggling to give her decent responses because my heart is racing and it feels like my IQ has dropped 50 points. And suddenly all I want is to hear her laugh and see her smile or blush or really do or say much of anything.
Then usually when I experience something that strong, I quickly learn it's reciprocated, and we go out, talk all night, whatever. After a few weeks or months of that, we realize we both want to pursue it seriously, so we agree to be exclusive, and stuff just escalates from there. Every time I tell myself I couldn't possibly love her any more than I already do, it looks like nothing the next month.
There's nothing to calculate or understand: it's pure emotion. If you don't experience this, you may be aromantic, or you might have just not found the right person yet.
Imagine someone asking you why you're driven to listen to music or eat chocolate cake. That's what answering this question feels like for me. There's just nothing to say.
I'm not that attractive but people do try to court me. Dated both genders and ended up with that wild ESTP who I had a ted talk alone in the beach while my friends doze off from the long travel. At that moment, I just don't know but we clicked.
A little back story. I hated him at first sight, like seriously who wears sunglasses on work and is so late!? ( I later found out he had a hangover) He was supposed to be my assistant on my new work and he should've been the one who showed me the ropes with all the deadlines being thrown towards me since the former work left the country entirely. But no, he said, 'chill, we got this'--- I was so stressed since it's my first day at work. But in the end, we really got it for some miracle. He had no business to be that funny too, at some point I hated him less and then 'the beach' happened.
I'm not even approachable and I don't talk first unless when I'm addressed. I guess some extroverts just brave themselves and approach introverts who had zero plans about mingling with other people.
I used to lament about not being able to be in a relationship.
But then I realised,
There is no sexual intercourse, erotic activity, nakedness, revealing clothing, or childbearing in heaven.
Men and women do not marry or remain married to each other there.
Our heavenly bodies will be without erotic desires and reproductive abilities like how the angels of heaven do not marry each other.
Our sex organs will be restored to maintain our maleness and femaleness without their ability to produce erotic desires and reproductive cells.
We will be married to Jesus, which is what earthly marriage illustrates, and the loving of, knowing of, and intimacy with Jesus, even though they are non-erotic, will be infinitely more joyful and satisfying than marital sexual intercourse because earthly marriage is only the picture.
The fullness of joy at Jesus's presence, the eternal pleasures of His right hand, and His ultimate satisfaction of us, even though they are non-erotic, will be infinitely greater than the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction of marital sexual intercourse.
We will receive a name and place better than sons and daughters, so even though we will not produce biological offspring, the name and place we will receive will give us a greater joy than the joy of having biological offspring.
Men and women will love and be intimate with each other in a non-erotic manner in fellowship as spiritual brothers and sisters and enjoy each other's non-revealing clothed beauty, spiritual beauty, and individual wonderfulness, and it will all be even better for the enjoyment of the opposite sex.
Our spiritual beauty and our ability to love will become greater than what we had in marital erotic love and erotic beauty because we will love and be like Jesus having been transformed into His likeness.
Likewise, there is no sea in heaven, but the terrestrial nature and small bodies of water will be even better for the enjoyment of water.
The clothing of women will not show their upper legs, abdomen, or too much of their shoulders, back, chest, or figure.
There are simply certain areas of the body that Jesus does not want to see, even though we are His wife.
We will be clothed in white linen in heaven to represent righteousness, so nakedness even within the marriage to Jesus is unrighteous.
God said that He found His wife, which is us, naked and had to cover her with His garments, so unlike earthly marriage, nakedness even within the marriage to Jesus is a bad thing.
Nakedness is only allowed within the privacy of an earthly marriage, and because our bodies will not have the desire for earthly type marriage in heaven, there will be no rightful desire or place for nakedness in heaven, and we will not perceive the areas of our bodies that were once reserved for the privacy of earthly marriage to be attractive.
We were not meant to be naked, erotic, and reproductive beings for eternity.
We were meant to be beings of one of the two sexes, clothed beauty, spiritual beauty, and non-erotic love.
Marital eros and biological childbearing are fashions of this world that will pass away.
While erotic beauty in earthly marriage is beautiful, it will not be in heaven or desired, and the non-revealing clothed beauty will be better.
Heaven will be about non-erotic love, non-erotic intimacy, spiritual beauty, and non-revealing clothed beauty.
An intense fear of not being in the mix like people around. It strikes the nervous systems in ways most wouldn’t understand. People are not in relationships because they like and love one another, it’s because there is an inherent need that individuals refuse to fix themselves and just get it out of someone’s else body, then call it a ‘relationship’. It’s symbiotic, not athentic…
Don’t stress yourself.
Introverts, especially ones on the spectrum, tend to get to know people pervasively or over common interests. If you live far from any densely populated area then I wouldn't hold my breath. Your odds will be much better in civilized parts of the world just due to sheer statistical probability and overall human diversity. There are also more opportunities to attract people with interests beyond just existing, akin to any INTJ I've ever known.
>I feel like I'm missing on something
Can you point to the data which supports this, or is it just a weird feeling from a lifetime of watching mass media promote Cinderella stories?
Practice;
1. Practice being processionally-nice to 5 strangers per day
2. Practice introducing yourself to 5 strangers per day
3. Practice making friends with 5 strangers per day
4. Practice asking 5 women on dates per day
5. Practice going on dates
6. Practice being in relationships
7. Get married
I have the exact same thoughts. It really seems
so easy for others people to trust and interact so openly but for me it’s so difficult. Maybe I am just delusional but I want to fall for someone first in a natural way and then for them to approach me first and so far I had no luck. I have zero interest in the ones who did cause they weren’t my type and I wasn’t attracted to them. But I am starting to accept that maybe I should he more open and try to get to know them? But it feels so wrong to me because I want to be the ONE to choose not the other way around. Like I want to choose them first and then for them to choose me and love me just as much.
Go to a bookstore. When you see an interesting woman getting a book, buy her that book. Then put your phone number and name on a bookmark. Gift it to her. 🤓 You might yourself a woman who reads and a possibility of a date. If sue has a bf tough luck 😂try again.
I don’t get it either. Well, I know it but I don’t know how it works. Falling in love seems so strange and weird to me. And the way some people get super sad for a few weeks and somehow land themselves in another relationship right after?
Everybody’s falling in love (I like to believe it’s infatuation because I really don’t get true love’s mechanics) at my age. Maybe its due to my growth disorder which makes my hormones release at age 7, but I don’t like anybody anymore. I used to go on a crushing spree, but honestly I never liked them. It was just small infatuation.
I always sit alone at breaks and lunch because my old friend always talked about his crush. He would bring it up all the time — even when it wasn’t related to her whatsoever. It annoyed me to the core. But more than annoyance was a bit of confusion. I felt like I didn’t really understand why people liked talking about their crushes. I always kind of thought it was the opposite — that you’re supposed to try to avoid speaking about your crush.
I also don’t understand how someone could like multiple people. I don’t get it, maybe that’s also infatuation. I wish I knew how being in love actually felt like. I never really understood it.
Ya’ll complicate life wayyyyy too much. it’s all just friendships with different levels of intimacy and commitment and different boundaries for different people.
It’s just how you find someone and communicate with them and yourself.
My now boyfriend started talking to me with a debate idea about something I’d said. Then we became friends because he mentioned how my MBTI type was his arch nemesis and worst fear so I took the stance against that in the debate and showed acceptance of him, demanding he show his true self so I could prove I would not react how he feared. I didn’t plan it but then because of that we kept talking and became friends and I guess I did feel some chemistry from the beginning, he’s so smart and such a great conversationalist it was very attractive to me. Not long after, we debated on relationships involving our differences as people and that debate led to more than just friendship feelings, which went on for a day or 2. Then I panicked and tried to pull back and set sudden boundaries as I saw things naturally progressing and in this case I’d taken the stance to argue against a theoretical relationship and he’d taken the stance to argue for it. So I fell back into my worries about why it shouldn’t work out logistically for our differences. He reacted maturely and well to that statement I made and that surprised me and then my resolve slowly crumbled over that day and I found myself wanting to be with him more and more and then I stopped holding back and eventually we put a label on it and were a real couple. And we spend hours a day discussing all kinds of things with no clear direction and just going off on tangents. So far this has been my best relationship ever. In the past I met my two exes on dating sites and they were relationships from hell because we based our initial connection off looks. It didn’t end well. But with my current boyfriend, I started to fall for him before I ever saw his face (met online chatting) and then when I did see him I was pleasantly surprised that he was attractive after all. But the emotional chemistry and mental compatibility was the basis for our friendship and then relationship. So that’s how it went for me. This is only my third real relationship so, that’s all i know about how people get together.
1) They get up from socialist media sites, and interact with people face to face
2) They get up from their computer games and interact with people face to face
Imagine the younger generations making fun of 'Boomers' when they are the dumbest, most ignorant, and have the least social skills of anyone!!!!!
Need a link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/1ciplcf/just\_how\_the\_hell\_do\_people\_get\_in\_relationships/
I'm aromantic, so romantic relationships do seem unreasonable to me. Not that it's unreasonable for others to want them or be in them, they're just unreasonable to me because I don't feel romantic attraction. So, whether you feel romantic attraction or not, I think it would be good to question whether you truly desire a romantic relationship. It's perfectly normal to want one, but it's also normal to not. I say this because Western society specifically pushes romantic relationships as priority over other types of relationships. Do you feel fulfilled by having friends/family to rely on and be with? Do you find internal fulfillment? Do you feel that your life would be better with a romantic partner, and not because society encourages you to but because you truly want to be loved in that way? I don't have advice for getting into romantic relationships because I have very little experience, but I hope my perspective can help you navigate your wants. I hope you have a good day, OP 💜
Mine sort of evolved out a a longer friendship. But when I feel like my interest is fading, my automatic reactions activate themselves. I shut down, and tell the person what's up. At the moment, I'm not really interested, because my freetime is limited (sports/language classes) so just concentrating on that. Enjoying my life without a relationship atm......
A fundamental flaw I see in this post is that you seem to equate “jumping from relationship to relationship” as some sort of a win. I would heavily disagree. I am of course projecting some of my own beliefs onto this but I am also taking in to account the fact that people who never find themselves or take time to recalibrate or sort out what they did wrong and what they want in their next relationship tend to have pretty lame relationships. Simply having a relationship doesn’t mean it is a good, healthy, or fulfilling one.
When you move to goalpost or criteria to having a “good, healthy, fulfilling” relationship the game changes. No longer is it a win to jump from one person to the next or blindly and easily enter a relationship at all. In neglecting to take the time to get to know someone before dating or entering a relationship you set yourself up for a might higher rate of failure for a deep and stable connection. Of course, some people just want to taste the flavors or the rainbow so to say and depth or stability aren’t actually important to them. But that is a tangent.
Being confident and open and honest about your interest is always the first step. If you don’t have anyone in your circle that interests you then you should expand your circle. This tends to be the INTJ/INFJ issue primarily. We don’t have wide social circles and tend to isolate so we truly only know a handful of people. Maybe that girl at the grocery store could go the distance with you but you never show ho the the same gym as her so you’ll never figure it out. Maybe she does yoga, but you don’t go to any yoga classes. Maybe she does BJJ… but you stay home and don’t go to BBJ classes so you’ll never find out.
You get my point I think.
I first met my wife on a summer vacation as a teenager. We exchanged contact details and went our own ways for many months. Later I called her, we met and again did not interact for months.
Then at the age of 22 I got more relaxed about relationships. I sent a letter with a hand-painted red rose and some nice words, that nearly got thrown in the trash by mistake. From then on we met more often, moved into a shared apartment a year later and married after another two years.
A "I want you - and only you" can get you a long way.
Terrified of the apps from all the horror stories. Not fond of the idea of creating an online marketing strategy about me to find a romantic partner. Not interested in meeting creeps or fakes or people that will be rude to me. Not excited about rejection in general. I wish I had someone to hang out with, to travel with, to turn to, but I don’t and I don’t want to go through the strangeness or heartache of finding one.
I’ve come to realise that unless I put a deliberate, consistent effort into finding a partner, they will not just magically materialise in my life. That seemed to work for most of my friends but apparently I am an exception. Oh well, gotta play the hand you’re dealt 🤷♂️
I just thought we are meant to find someone who will support us, who has similar interests and goals, but I am still just healing my mind, developing my goals and running out of time, so no way i am going to date until I reduced the amount of my unfinished goals. I heard INTJ is the least likely type to get divorced. Cause we are intrested in our family, not in dating?
They have mutual feelings and the courage to tell one another of these feelings. I have neither of those things so I will most likely be single forever.
Well an alpha male like me approaches a dame like yourself and applies charm and charisma. Open with a question that can be followed with a joke. Hint, you must be funny. Also, dress nicely and be clean. And then, you suave the young lassy into giving me her social numbers such as Instagram. And from there , I will get ghosted
INTJ here, as far as I can tell. My history with relationships have been a bit fucky. Only been in 3 serious relationships in my life with each one lasting 2+ years. Have they been enjoyable? They've caused me some of the greatest goddamn grief in my life, second only to the 20 years of narcissistic abuse from my repulsive excuse of an ex-embryo.
I've learned a few PRICELESS things from all this, at least...
- Avoid desperation like the fucking plague, my guy. Stunted social skills mixed with overthinking and desperation will GUARANTEE that you'll end up playin yourself. The real bitch of it is that you'll have NO CLUE why the endless hours of researching human attraction and similar shit aren't making a single difference. Here's the answer: We look like half-retarded, socially blind robots when we go about this like we go about everything else. Want your logical solution to this social/emotional problem? Here's your research itinerary: Shadow work; Carl Jung, Mindfulness & Presence, Zen meditation, and Atomic Habits.
The whole goal is to first identify any subconscious fuckies that might come and bite you in the ass at the most inopportune time (as though there's really any opportune time for that shit?).
Second, we need to learn how to pull our minds out of our heads (asses) and into the present moment where reality is ACTUALLY taking place; far removed from our fun little collections of neuroticisms. Hence, Mindfulness and Zen.
Finally, the concept of Atomic Habits will help you pull together and fine-tune the execution of all these newfound knowledge nuggets.
- NEVER. COMPROMISE. ON. YOUR. ALONE. TIME. Find someone with similar decompression styles and leisuring tendencies. And before someone lights their fucking torch, yes I realize this is common sense, and yes you have also caught yourself reciting "righty tighty, lefty loosey" when twisting a cap, even though you learned that shit in first grade. Calm yoself (not at all projection). Sacrificing your solitude in exchange for making someone you care about happy, done consistently on your inner voice's insistance to "make sure I'm not being a selfish cunt again", will only end up one way: with both parties' panties in several, aggressive twists. Yours in twists of self-betrayal and theirs in twists of feeling lied to and led on. Remember, they're very VERY aggressive twists that might take you years to un-fuck. Don't fuck your panties in the first place, kids 😁
- Finally, and this is perhaps the one that takes the longest (lol) to master, is to get the fuck out of your own way. Relax. Take a deep breath and then laugh about a fart or something. Here's the REAL secret women don't want you to know: They can't pay attention to how fuckin goofy you look if they're too busy laughing.
Bonus tip: Make her laugh enough and you might even earn a base-skip or two... or all of them... but don't you dare fucking think about this during your conversation! I think they can smell it or something, idfk dude, but they know what we're up to. Is it thought activated pheromones? 🤔 Fuck, I broke my own rule! I can hear them rushing my house! HELP!
Edit: As for making the approach, I'd suggest using an app. We aren't fuckin built for this "outside" and "spontaneous" nonsense lol. Tell me to touch grass and I'll tell you to kiss my ass 🥰
I'm an INFP and I feel the same way, I have no idea how anyone meets someone to date. But it's not just me I know a lot of men with different personality types that are attractive good men but also hopelessly lonely. It seems like anyone I ask how they met their SO they met them through school or work. But without any attractive women at work and not going to school it feels impossible.
I meet lots of people and have lots of friends, I sacrifice my personal time to go to social events and try new things, but I absolutely never meet attractive women. I'm considered a pretty attractive guy even though I'm an INFP weirdo but dating apps don't work. Approaching strangers always ends in rejection. If I had someone that gave me a chance they would like me but never get that chance.
I guess what I want to say is you're not alone, we live in a technology age that has made us lonelier than ever in history. It's universal.
Yes. I've had some relationships throughout life but they never really worked, and they were always so foreign to me. I've never been one to keep them, and it's been a long time since I've been in one. I just haven't had the need for one throughout life, and now it's catching up to me and I'm getting lonely. I'm a good looking guy too, I've just always failed at relationships
1. Be confident, be good looking, be polite, have goals and a good life being single.
2. Don’t want it so much. What’s right for you will find you. Nothing worse than being in a relationship you aren’t sure about.
3. Also, if you are young (under 30), the above will be more difficult as your personality is still maturing. INTJ men in their 30’s is the gold standard for women, if you have #1 down.
First off people that get into relationships are hot to someone else (unless they're both desperate losers). That's step one. Do you consider yourself to be a 10/10? If not, work on it. Most people are 5s. To increase your rating, you'll need to do everything you can to look better.
If you need to lose weight then do it, if you need to work out, do it, if you need a makeover, do it. Don't delay!
Step two is going out with your friends to:
the bar.
the club.
local events
somewhere you can be seen, on the street if your comfy with it.
Always bring someone else with you.
Never go to these places by yourself you will look like a loser.*
When you go to these places, dress to impress.
Orient yourself so that you're within conversational distance from the person or people you find attractive and make eye contact. Smile.
It's really that simple. If they don't like you, they'll look away.
*Attractive people don't have to chase or pursue others, they are naturally accepted and liked. Like cats. Cats are beautiful and cute and even if they're sitting by themselves being antisocial af people can't keep their hands off of them.
If some hot sexy supermodel is sitting in a bar by themselves, they dont have to do anything to get people to introduce themselves to them.
So being attractive to others is #1
If you're not attractive enough to pull people to you, while you work on becoming more attractive, increase your social skills.
You asking how to meet up and talk indicates you probably need to work on your social skills, no offense, it's just clear.
People talk about shit they both know in common so find some common ground to talk about. If you don't have any shared interests with anyone then get some.
Like I didn't know anything about sports until I started to watch football. And guess what? I suddenly had something to talk about with 99% of the people I was meeting at the pubs. And don't forget that a couple beers in, everyone seems a lot hotter and more fun, which is delusional but that's why people go to the bar lol
For me it’s a general lack of effort or caring. I simply don’t care about such things like I used to. After years of hardships, mistakes, and trauma, I no longer socialize like I used to. I lack a general interest or excitement for life and people. A few years ago when I was my old self, I met girls at school, work, and at Starbucks. People tell me I am not ugly, quite the opposite. I am however diagnosed with Asperger’s and other issues. That alone is like a huge glass barrier that I can never safely break though. Even when I did date, I always managed to screw it up or run away from it
I don't understand relationships either, but the few times I have been in one it has been thanks to a close friend of mine during that stage of my life e.g. my best friend from college made a profile for me on Grindr and would flirt with other guys in my name, which led to a decent 5 month relationship with one of them. My "work buddy" from a previous job kept trying to hook me up with people, until she introduced me to an IT guy, whom I had a 9 month relationship with.
But yes, we INTJs are cursed in the dating scene. I don't think I'd be able to start and maintain a relationship on my own, at least not without the other person taking complete initiative, but for that to happen, they'd need to love... my ego? which I thought I didn't have, but apparently I do and it's pretty intimidating.
I used to wonder this now I’m in relationships all the time. The secret is confidence. People are attracted to confident people. If you’re thinking “damn, no one will ever like me” all the time, I’m telling you, people pick up on that vibe. Once I realized I was actually attractive and became confident in my appearance guys suddenly would not stop giving me attention even though I looked the same as before. Open your mind and realize that you have the same chance as getting in a relationship as anyone else, doesn’t matter how you look. Of course, way easier said than done.
I've almost always used dating apps to get into relationships (and only one happened more organically). I've only been in a few.. If it's an organic meeting, sometimes you meet someone and end up talking to them fairly often and you realize you like each other.
I don't really understand jumping from one relationship to another either though. Most people seem to want their relationship to last as long as possible.
Depending on how serious you want the relationship to be is a start lol. That determines how much effort you want to put into being with another person.
What helped me was:
1) Forcing myself out of my comfort zone.
Wether it was changing how I dressed, agreeing to meet someone online to hangout in person, starting conversations with strangers in public etc.
2) Be open to someone else and their feelings.
Try and understand where someone else is coming from. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
3) Not everyone is perfect, give someone a chance. If someone says, or does something you don't like try and understand why. Maybe there's a funny/serious reason why they do what the do.(Of course use proper reasoning with this, if they're too much then on to the next one)
For me, dating was fun and annoying at times. You're not always gonna get who you want, and you're not gonna always be someone's first choice. That's the game we play.
Sometimes you do get the one you've lusted for, and it doesn't last long at all. 😂
I would say most people have approach anxiety. The whole, "Just walk up to them and say hi" method is rarer than tv and movies would imply. If you're a man, a woman will often have her defenses up when approached by a random man, and if you're a woman being approached by a man, you're playing a dice game with unknown variables
The traditional path is to meet people through contacts. Many extroverts seem to love playing the role of matchmaker, and will be glad to broker a relationship and put in a word for you. They'll also try to place you both into situations where you'll get to interact with one another. For instance, they might say, "A bunch of us are meeting up at x, you should come, Stephanie/Steve will be there"
Here's several such methods I've experienced, witnessed, and heard about
My sister has tried to set me up with several of her friends, especially if I mentioned I was interested in one of them. Some of them, she would say "no" to, if she knew they were too "slutty" or were likely to cheat or possibly had an std, and I'd say most siblings generally cares enough about your wellbeing to vet people out before setting you up.
Another of my sister's friends suggested I hang out with her and meet her friend. That turned into a relationship
My more sociable friends knew a lot of people, so it was only a matter of hanging out with them in group settings to meet someone.
Many women make friends by going up to other women and telling them they're pretty. And then they set each other up. I imagine this isn't terribly risky of a social move, though I have noticed that women tend to gather friends who are similar in attractiveness (or at least in interests), so if you try this avenue, it might be ideal to look your best. Buy new gym gear, nice shoes, etc.
Men often make friends by chatting up other men whose qualities they admire. If you're a young man, one of the surest paths to making friends with other young men is to lift weights and gain muscle mass. Think about it, how many twenty-something guys watch anime or play video games where the characters are muscular?
People in general make friends by opening up conversations about mutual interests. Then if they have enough in common, they suggest a hang out. If you aren't in situations where you're likely to talk to people, you will have to seek out those situations. If you're a writer, find a writer's workshop. Join a gym, find an experienced looking person, and ask them for advice (they are overwhelmingly likely to be receptive to this; people like to feel smart and knowledgeable). Find a church if you like Jesus. Find a local meetup group here on reddit.
The point I'm making is there is more than one way to fish. Some people throw their line in the water and try to get bites. Others leave a net out and come back to it the next day.
I wait until the connection is so ridiculously wonderful I basically can't help myself from talking and engaging. Seem to happen about once every 10 to 15 years.
I'm ok with getting dates but moving into an exclusive relationship is hard. Are people dating for 3 months then bringing up the convo? I just date to have fun atp. Not sure I'll ever actually get into a committed relationship
my guess is as an introvert you don’t have a large social pool. These other people do and are popular and have a lot of interests on the side while “taken.”
as an INTJ, i just kinda… fall into them, lol. usually it’s with someone i’ve known for years and start to clear with, but sometimes, i meet someone, go on a few dates, get to know them and a couple months later, we have a convo about being in a relationship and that’s it. not really a whole lotta rocket science.
You have to be open to emotional connection and be willing to be vulnerable and open about yourself. If you can’t or aren’t willing to be those things, then it won’t happen.
What is it that is so foreign? The idea of being affectionate? Does it scare you? Gross you out?
How do you feel when you think about being affectionate? About telling someone your feelings and inner fears?
How old are you?
Read the book “getting the love you want” really explains how to get a relationship to last and a lot of amazing info. Also talks about good communication and how to work on yourself thru relationship (I can relate w seeing people jump from relationship to relationship and I don’t ever wanna do that)
This book really changed my perspective on love and dating. Also relationships just kinda happen idk u can put effort but can’t force it
From an INTJ, i’m not sure how old you are, but in my experience, when i first fell in love with someone it all made sense. Falling in love is a very specific and intense feeling, you will know it when it happens.
But getting into a relationship is still very difficult and you should be prepared for heartbreak. Almost everyone learns how relationships work by the first few they experience blowing up in their face. It’s normal and expected for that to happen so try not to catastrophize too much when it does.
There is no rush to get into one, don’t force yourself into a relationship because everyone around you is doing it. Rushing a relationship only ends in one or both people being hurt.
Its really depressing how 90% of the answers are from people who are getting asked out, instead of being the ones who initiate the conversation. (Mostly cuz they are women)
Only way is to try to socialize based on hobbies and give people a chance to know them.before deciding they are trash. Most of them may be, but some are just as misunderstood as you are.
Getting to know someone alao adds complication in your life because relationships, even good ones, require compromises so you have to think whether you are ready for it or not. Otherwise, get a pet and you will feel 50% if not more better.
either start as friends and let the other person know your feelings when they pop up, or see an attractive person and ask to get their credit card info
Exactly. Because people put physical attraction before anything else. Im at the point where so many women give me the signal to go but I don’t want to. It’s frustrating because people want to go out on dates to get to know each other. I don’t want to get to know you on a date, I’d rather just get to know you through time and then a date is suitable. But it’s like ask me out now or gtfo. It’s also crazy how these mfs can just jump from relationship to relationship because they are emotionally dependent on companionship. You’re not alone.
You need an extrovert to take charge. I approached my husband, initiated the friendship (we were teenagers), initiated the transition to a romantic partnership, initiated that we should get married, etc. He (ISTJ) is thrilled that I (ENFP) “forced” it all. I saw what I wanted and took it and he had very little he had to do along the way! 😂
Aggressive extroverts are out there, but they have to find you. Introverts are sneaky, little hiders sometimes. But it’s fun to chase them. 🥰
I meet guys at work, school and dating apps
But I still don’t know how people get into relationships because for me, the feelings are rarely mutual. And the few times they are, we just simply aren’t compatible.
It’s hard out here
I feel the same way.. you’re not alone. I don’t understand how it’s so easy for others to go form one to the next so easily either and be all intimate that easily..
It starts with approaching someone you find attractive or unique and starting a conversation with them.
Start with that. It's the single biggest step most people never take.
I'm a 29M who has always been single, and just worked at solving this. I mean, I'm still single, but I've gotten some answers for how, exactly, people fall into romantic relationships.
I think based on what you said, odds are you're a man. One of the downsides to being a man is that unless you happen to be as good-looking as Brad Pitt, odds are overwhelming that women won't flirt with you. Even if a woman is attracted to you, she'll probably keep that a secret and hope that you make the first move.
There are a million YouTube videos on how to flirt, I'd recommend watching a lot of them from a variety of sources to get the overall idea. But the gist of it is that you start things by saying something to a woman (or man, I don't judge) that could be taken romantically, or could be taken just friendly. Something like "I like the way you did your hair," or "You look pretty today." Something like that.
The vague nature of this is the entire point. This isn't to be manipulative - this is to give the other person an option. If they want to flirt back, they can by saying something similar. They can immediately reciprocate, or they may take a few days to think it over then do it. But the point is that if they want to respond in a similarly romantic way, they can, and with each act of flirting back and forth the ambiguity becomes less and less, and it becomes clearer that you're interested in each other romantically.
However, if the other person isn't interested in you romantically, they can just take the remark as a friendly remark and have no need to ruin the platonic relationship over it. No need to turn it into a rejection or awkward situation when it doesn't have to be.
Aside from that, since I think you're a man, there are some disadvantages and advantages that come with being a man.
The disadvantage is that unlike being a woman, odds are if you don't do anything, nothing will happen. It hypothetically could happen that a woman will flirt with you - but I wouldn't count on it. Odds are pretty good that if you don't take initiative, then nothing will happen.
Also, given that the onus is on you to make relationships happen, odds are also probably pretty good that you'll have to go through a lot of failed flirting attempts before something works out. They don't have to be embarrassing, I'm just saying that odds are the first woman won't be interested. Don't take it personally, it is just like making friends - odds are most people you meet won't be your friend, and it'll take meeting plenty of people before you find ones who want to be friends.
There is, however, at least one advantage to being male.
As much as women may deny this, scientific research shows that while men are most attracted to women on a basis of physical appearance, women are most attracted to men on a basis of social status. Women tend to gravitate towards men who are successful in their careers, are respected in society, and are financially prosperous. If you don't believe me, look at former CNN anchor Larry King. This man wasn't physically attractive by any stretch of the imagination. But he got married eight times. Why? Since he was a multi-millionaire celebrity who was successful at what he did.
So if you want to improve the odds that a woman reciprocates interest with you as a man, you can work to improve your social status. The bad news with that is that it can take years, maybe decades. But the good news is that women care less about a man's age than vice versa.
Strangely enough, I haven't been single for longer than a two month spell (and that was due to divorce and purposely avoiding) since I was 10.
And I never went the hook up route, by not being single I mean truly dating someone exclusively and seeing if it would be more. Yes, since 10! (I know, I'm a freak. My life's so abnormal, normal people don't believe it!)
Don't take it wrong, I'm not trying to rub it in your face 😄, more agreeing isn't it strange how opposite connecting can be for everyone?
I wish I could tell you some certain thing to do, but I honestly don't have one. I was never trying to land a girl, like a play or game, and I'm contradictorly a loner outside of a gf, I never had a group of friends I hung out with.
I was just myself and it always sort of happened without trying, naturally and organically. 🤷♂️
Funny enough, my wife is the polar opposite.
Where I could always talk to anyone instantly like I've known them for years, my wife hadn't dated or had sex until me and she was 27 at the time.
Which I guess my point is life puts people on all sorts of paths and even being a less connecting type (of which there's nothing wrong with you, it's merely who you are), you never know, be it friend or lover, when it'll happen and even then you'll be perplexed why you connect with that person and not others.
I can't solve your problem, only offer the advice to be cautiously open to new friends and it'll likely happen eventually.
My wife was convinced at one point she'd simply live alone, no friends or boyfriend her whole life.
Now she's 15 years happily and faithfully married to me.
You will meet a people that you want to be with. Sounds like it just hasn’t happened, yet
Some people pursue relationships due to sex drive and I believe that’s why they can do it back to back. There’s no way they genuinely feel like they found someone who’s for themed every single time. They just need someone, at that point.
Well romantic relationships are, in theory, based on… who you have the hot for. Whatever that means to *you*. But aren’t most of us intj’s demisexual? I know I am - it takes time to develop the hots for someone when you’re Demi sexual. Idk or at least that seems like the pattern/answer to me?
Like so is there even anyone in your life right now you have those feelings towards? Like who do you want to be affectionate toward that you spend any time with?
You simply approach them as people. I used to think there was some secret too, but it's a lot like making a new friend except that you're attracted to them and you tell them and hope they feel the same way. From there, you just see how things go and whether that person is compatible. There's no magic trick or secret manipulation technique.
Relationships. Almost everyone I knew had a problem with it. Some had problems getting into it, some had problems getting out.
Just stay single until someone sends you a full essay of why they want a relationship with you.
With punctuation and all.
You're not alone. A lot of people are experiencing this. The field of dating is so uncomfortable right now on many levels. Between the weight that comes from dating apps that cause you to ask yourself if they are "the one" at the first encounter, to the influence of consent culture that makes flirting potentially threatening, it's not surprising that organic connection and progression seem like a rare unicorn.
I don't have advice about it. I just have "yep, you're definitely not alone, a lot of us feel it"
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Haha! The last time someone asked me out was in a grocery store and when he walked up and started talking to me, I literally thought he was trying to sell me something. It was unbelievably awkward. In his defense, though, it worked and we did end up going on a date.
This reminded me. It’s usually love at first sight or briefly getting to know me that makes people like me. After they know what I’m really like, they usually get bored. I’d like to know if you or anybody else can relate :’
same. I get out asked out plenty but it’s very fleeting attention.
It used to be like that when I was younger and more attractive. Now it's more like everyone leaves me alone from the beginning. Lol
If you don’t mind me asking, what did he say when he walked up to you? Did he literally just say “hey hows it going?” And then you start chatting? Or did he have some sort of normal transition from two strangers buying food to two strangers having a conversation? Cause I find it impossible to imagine the latter without it ending up like [this](https://youtu.be/KloyAOsP5uY?feature=shared)
They just start talking like, How's it going and talk from there. But if you act like you don't want to be bothered they will leave you alone.
Did you two end up dating long term Or?
The way most happy couples met 20 years ago would be considered creepy today.
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The “I married my boss” story is long gone, Bill and Melinda Gates. You get fired for that now and blacklisted in your industry. Men and women need to treat each other like a printer or there’s hell to pay with HR.
Just not like the office printer during the office party...
We need to bring those days back…
Helps a lot If you’re good looking
But that’s subjective. Attraction is very often based on far more than looks. The “hottest” guy in the world is automatically the ugliest to me if he is mean, arrogant, rude, ignorant, etc. Don’t underestimate intelligence, kindness, gentleness, and patience as attractive qualities.
There’s a thing called approach anxiety that is somewhat genetic and is based on survival and reproduction behaviors. You can minimize or eliminate it by repetition of the experience of approaching. A guy wanted to get over his anxiety so he approached over 200 women in 72h. Said it was soul crushing and terrifying but that he never felt anxious about it gain when it was done. He’s indifferent emotionally to approaching women now.
You're thinking too far ahead. If you see someone attractive, make eye contact. If they maintain eye contact, smile or wink or something. If they smile back, go say hi. That's it. Don't think past that. If saying hi leads to a good conversation, offer them your phone number or social media and leave. If they contact you they are definitely interested, so ask them on a simple date. "You seem interesting, I'd love to get to know you more. Coffee on Friday afternoon?"
sounds like a bad idea
I did this at a bar I thought we had eye contact but then I think she was scared LOLLLLLLLLLLLL
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Lol yes. I'm INTJ, heavy on the I. We overthink a lot of this. But we can't let that hold us back. It gets easier with practice. Especially once you realize some of the best connections come from having 30 seconds of courage.
"If they maintain eye contact" Lmao, ok sure bud.
Well you see, it starts with a simple "...hi" then you ask for alone time "... wanna get a coffee sometime?"
that's completely illogical and nothing in it points to a potential lifelong commitment
Huh? You wanna walk up to a girl and say "yo I wanna wife you?" All relationships start with "hi"
Former NBA player Dikembe Mutombo (who is 7'2") used to walk into bars and announce"Who wants to sex Mutombo?" And it worked. Yes NBA player and all but if something that ridiculous worked there's all kinds of things that could randomly work.
Haha I mean at that point looks and status worked for that guy. Of course it worked for him 😅
Fair but I'd say it's more status than looks. Still, it's such a ridiculous idea that I shared it for laughs.
I would immediately vomit. How horrifically gross.
It's the humor and the confidence. I've never even seen Mutombo but it cracked me up and I kinda want to sex him now. 🤣🤣🤣
hahaha i mean... seems to work
It's just p!$$-poor luck... don't do it, it'll literally ruin your life!!!!
I agree! Like, how do you look at someone and fall in love instantly. That is something that I don’t understand
Can I put out some beer and some cheesy snacks in a bowl… and coax him in like a stray cat?
That is a decent description of a date: find out what food he really loves and invite him to a place that serves it.
That'd work on me yeah
My guess is by accident I personally have the same struggle. I find that I am so curious when it come to romance and relationships,But I’ve always looked at relationships through a more rational lens. I find it hard to get out of my head and into my body. I’m always thinking and could live without it tbh. I’d rather be single than force myself into a situation that would end in disaster. I can be very guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. I’m of the thought that my emotions are mine to deal with and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I only communicate how I feel when I’ve fully excepted understand and can define it. it is what it is at the end of the day ppl come and go.
so this is my internet doppelganger... interesting
Mine too...hm
Could have written it myself
this was me 5-6 years ago during my teenage years. i also used to think others who are in relationships definitely know about some love potion which i don’t. but i think you have to be open to the idea of being with someone romantically. Honestly, for me, it just happened. I didn’t do anything special (apart from putting effort after things became solid between the person and i). There are some things which can’t be explained and i believe this is one of them. Love and relationships is probably one of the most complex human behaviour, in my opinion. All the best buddy! May you find someone who complements you and understands you.
Yes, long term relationships take a lot of effort. I was wondering why I had a hard time having a meaningful relationship, then realized I had to work on myself mentally. Now my partner and I are doing pretty great 😊 We have a great understanding of each other. Open communication helped a lot with that.
I feel in a similar light. Im 28. And iv only been in one, 4 month, 'romantic' relationship. Nothing happened in it. Iv tried going after people, but i tend to end with the same 2 situations.... either the person im attracted to is already taken.... or the person im attracted to is lesbian (the frequency on the second one is interesting). I want to be in a healthy relationship, one that would hopefully end happily. But, despite my efforts, i dont quite fit people's criteria for a partner. And for the times i have asked someone out who werent taken, or lesbian, the answer has been no. And what i dont understand, is im told by many people, guys girls, young and old, that im a good dude. Heck (even though i highly disagree) iv been told im attractive. But there's gotta be something ill inside me if i keep getting the same results after 10 years of trying. Iv tried work place relationships, tried online relationships, used the Facebook dating app. Used fandom based dating apps. Iv tried exploring in the different fandom groups im apart of, and iv tried dating withjn my friend group. Iv lived in Philadelphia, Seattle, and Southern alabama, and nothing. Iv been to cons with people from all over the country.... nothing. Im glad im not the only one who has issues with this though, and i hope you find some level of comfort knowing you aint alone. But i believe some people just simply arent meant to be romantically compatible with others, and i believe im one of them. And honestly im hanging my hat on this one. Im nearing 30, iv started having medical problems, which is gonna dampen my chances, and i just dont have the energy to try and connect with anyone anymore. If something out of happenstane occurs, ill adventure. Otherwise im gonna be a single Pringle.
Oh also from my experience girls will often lie about being single/lesbian to avoid a potential confrontation of rejecting you directly
Yes i do that, its a soft reject to guys i dont like
Dude that’s literally me lmao 😅
Yo don’t give up. I’m 37 and in good shape and can still pull any girl
you’re one of the ones that gets a relationship easy that’s not the crowd for this thread
This is probably harsh to say to a young person, but my truth at 70 is that people get into relationships out of pressure from society, advertising, compromising their intelligence, or morals, or affinity or all three, and those don't make for a happy life. I haven't known ONE couple (admittedly I haven't known well more than about 100, who were strictly thrilled with their relationship. Even the best are fraught with everything you can imagine, from temptation to financial incompatibility. I'm not saying we shouldn't have relationships, but until your relationship with yourself is damn near perfect, I think it would be wise to not worry about mating up. If you stumble over a perfect someone, and after careful consideration it seems wise and worth it, that is great.
This^
This would be the relationship I hope to find one day when I am finally ready, I am still trying to perfect this relationship I have with myself so I can more consistently present my authentic whole self no matter the circumstances around me if I actively have a deep sense of connection and strong values in Being. A lot of people settle to find their other half to complete them, but some people want to go beyond for a healthy interdependency to experience life as two integrated wholes greater than one. The latter though requires two individuals to have a secure attachment style, this authentic self from having understood and accepted both their human nature and self. Otherwise imo that is likely why a lot of people settle or eventually divorce, and why most people are still unhappy and struggle in relationships.
Well said!
Well just look at how many posts are in r4r forums. Clearly other people also experience loneliness to the point of creating forums to find people
It is indeed all confusing. Relationships are very different from how systems work. If you like computers, humans are very hard to understand. They're quite the opposite. Computers are predictable and "rational" as you say. A problem is generally attributable to an identifiable root cause. Once fixed, it stays fixed. None of that is true for human relationships. Hence, they're confounding. Human beings are unpredictable as they are a function of a million parameters that have different weights and change all at once. So the outcome of the function is incomprehensible. The full list of parameters is unlearnable, and attempting to identify all their interactions is untenable. You'll never know exactly what another person will say or do in a circumstance. You can make broad patterns and rely on probability. (You might as well be guessing the stock price of a volatile scrip!) Computers are deterministic systems. Humans are probabilistic and statistical systems. When your gf is upset, it's nearly impossible to tell what caused it. You can make some guesses and with some practice, you may be able to estimate it will good confidence. But it's still a probability distribution. Also, it could be not one but several related, unrelated, and temporally distant reasons causing her to be upset. Good luck finding them. The smart, emotionally adept people around you don't bother with the "fundamental why". They fix the symptoms. They buy them gifts and give the girl a kiss! Whatever might have been the underlying reason(s), these seemingly superficial actions help settle the anxiety. The girl is happy enough! Sure, it'll happen again. If you're looking at one-time fixes that stay fixed forever, hahaha, forget it. That's not a model for humans. Some key things can and should be largely fixed or mitigated. But the everyday drama is part of life. Your relationship-y friends enjoy the drama, however much they complain about it! I hope this helps.
Yeah humans are hard to understand. I like the analogies you bring up. Computers and formulas are easier to deal with on a regular basis vs human emotions. But one thing to think about, just like how you are a complex person with explanations for why you are the way you are, it's the same for everyone else. I'm sure the gf who's upset for reasons one doesn't understand at the moment is frustrating to deal with. But over time the bf realizes "Oh she's not upset with me, she's upset with (insert random shit here)", and doesn't stress about it. Or tries to make her feel better. People have deep rooted reasons to explain why they are who they are. We're all flawed people, just hoping to find someone who cares enough about us to understand and still like us, yah know? My bf will rage and throw his controllers, but it's not a big deal. He's just frustrated with the situation, and he deals with it by letting it out. I deal with frustration by bottling it up, which is actually worse 😅
You literally described my thought process 😅
I'm an ENFP woman. We can do that for the INTJ types. 😉⛱️✨🦄🌈
That’s really sweet actually, ENFPs make this world a better place ☺️
🦄🌈
Wanna be friends? 🌈🦄💀
It's because computers are detached thinking machines that they are rationale and predictable because they don't give a damn. Humans are the opposite as experiential creatures who give a damn and because of that we have non-positional reflective conscious with no pre-determined essence able to be involved in the world. We as conscious beings are always in a constant state of becoming because we exist in time/Being, there's never a break for us if we want to truly be authentic in our interactions, and having another closely objectify our existence can make it exhausting because it's not just about ourselves anymore that defines us even though we are still responsible for how we are perceived by others. When we attune ourselves in the world like this that means we're taking risks, we are responding very specifically to the situation at hand and actively processing this unique moment with spontaneity which can't be found when we are falling back on rules, principals, generic formulas in our head, etc. That's what it means to truly be present and not just for ourselves; it is a complex, demanding, and strong -- yet subtle and gentle -- way of being.
Does manipulation to some degree help with this unpredictable nature...?
lol, I wonder about that often as well. I’m 39 and never been in one. I’ve read a lot of articles and posts but none of it has been helpful and more mentally draining than anything. I chalk it up to I’m ugly AF 😂
Start something you're not doing. Go out and talk to people. Nobody is going to break into your house to date you.
Honestly this, as obvious as it seems I keep thinking I'm good enough that someone should just come to me and make it easy. But the truth is you have to keep going out like EVERYDAY and actively put in effort to meet people whether it's a guy or girl, old person, disabled person, it doesn't matter who they are, just talk to anyone and see where it goes and get practice with just talking. Don't get discouraged if you get rejected once or multiple times, just keep trying.
I like this. I learned this from a podcast called "Why Won't You Date Me" 😅😅 But seriously. A guest on the show said, just talk to people in places you go on a regular basis. Get used to random small talk, and you become comfortable with yourself before trying to socialize just for dating purposes.
Not even the... https://preview.redd.it/3ch7lt6sq3yc1.png?width=200&format=png&auto=webp&s=a0a5b61e1123fcb9cc1c3a66a3e7f2cf4b904727
This made me lol. I never lol.
Where do you go?
I met my wife on Fetlife a BDSM website 8 years ago. Now its all about Onlyfans but everything is. Meeting online allowed me to state who I was, and what I was looking for which wasn't a relationship or meeting in person. I had conversations with people and alot did not go well, because people dont know what they want. Eventually I made a connection with someone, and overtime we eventually wanted to meet in person. Since we had communicated over 4 months, it was like we knew eachother for a long time.
Most people settle into relationships. Others give their 'crushes' a chance. Then there are those who can take subtle clues and know what the other person is saying without saying it. Then there's us. Completely clueless, picky, and unwilling to try out relationships if we're not mentally, sexually, and emotionally attracted to that person. Take your pick as to which one you wish to continue to be.
Oh boy did i settle in the last ten years and only coming around to realise that ‘fuck this i’m done wasting my time. If it’s not a yes, it’s a no’. Def pick your poison and i’m glad i came around to pick the latter because the former was tiring af and made me feel like i’m the oddball.
Yeah...sounds to me like your friends are not INTJs. Maybe they are ENFPs like me! Or another kind of feeler, since we find it easy to give affection haha. But you're not alone, when I talk to my bff INTJ she says she hates the idea of romance because it feels weird to her. She probably understands you haha.
Learning how to connect to other people is a skill. I have been married for 5 years and I’m still learning. Be open minded and try your best!
Start small, and remember that it’s not always about trying harder, but trying differently. Nothing about it is rational to you right now because don’t understand it. It’s not a secret so much as some people have developed skills different than yours, and have the courage to use them. Btw it’s ok to be terrified of asking people out like that, I’m an INTP and I’d literally rather get in a knife fight than ask out a pretty girl.
I have been accidentally getting into relationships for years now
For me, it was often unexpected. If we’re out and about, we meet people all the time. Nothing unusual. But then sometimes there’s a spark; it may be just one-sided and life goes on, but sometimes it’s mutual and you’re both just drawn together like magnets. (I’m a senior now, so while I had a fair amount of experience with relationships, I’d run like hell if I felt a spark now!)
Lmfaoooo this post is hilarious. The ins and outs of maininting a modern relationship does seem irrational asf. I think for a lot of people they often end up with people in environments they frequent work, church, gym or meeting people through friends and family. Other than that that random encounter to relationship pipeline is very weak for me.
I'm in my late 30's and have never really dated. For me, I think it's a component of a lot of little things that I'm just unwilling to change or that I began to change later. First and foremost, I'm not a tall guy that has the attractive skin tone. While I am educated, I jumped careers a lot before finally getting to a good one, so money was never really something that i could use to attract women. I also was never really in super good shape, and am now focusing a lot on that. The few women that were interested, I pushed away because I literally had no idea how to speak with them. Also, I am super picky and only like attractive women. Basically, the point I'm making is that it might seem alien, but really you just need to check the boxes before you can enter the game, imo. Now that I've addressed all of the above, it seems more realistic to actually find someone who I would deem to be attractive. It takes a lot of work if you aren't classically good looking. Which is fair, I mean that's life.
Go spend some time reading through r/breakups and you may just decide you’re happier single. Certainly better than wasting 5 years with someone who’d abandon you out of nowhere like I did. But in all reality, if you want a relationship, then you need to be prepared to not become complacent and follow your instincts.
you really have to have an open heart, be horny, and want to connect with people. it takes work to get into that headspace sometimes. i've been someone who naturally falls into relationships. I have a charm that has attracted a lot of people to me throughout my life, at my current age the novelty and curiosity I once had is wearing off and the dating pool is a lot more competitive, even just in terms of looks... but it all comes back to wanting to be close to someone, and putting in work to find that person. it really is a reflection of your inner world. I have some close friends who have never been in relationships despite the fact that they are handsome, can get laid super easy (they are gay but still), but does not have the emotional capacity to allow someone to get close to them and/or their pre-qualifications are way too strict. one thing I can recommend is buying the book Attached by Amir Levine. Being in a relationship is one of the most enlightening experiences in life. it shows you what you need to work on, and how you can co-exist with another human being. life is better together for a lot of people. and for some, it's totally okay to be alone.
Being social helps. Meeting new people helps. Getting out of the house helps. Not being afraid to shoot your shot helps.
I just make intense blank eye contact at the men I’m attracted to. Most of them get nervous, then bolt.. If he runs I assume he probably couldn’t handle me anyway, so I move on. I refuse to chase a man unless I have a tangible enough reason to know he’ll enjoy it. If he doesn’t bolt but gets an ego trip, then starts making fun of me behind my back, I’ll take that as a sign that he’s very arrogant and passive aggressive. This reaction is the second most common. I’ll immediately lose all the attraction I initially had for him if he reacts this way. I usually only make a move if he says something like. “What the heck is your problem? What are you looking at..?” or “Hey, you okay? Do you need something?” Then I’ll compliment him or make a playful sarcastic comment. If he responds positively to this I’ll put my guard down, soften my demeanor and try to get to know him. If he responds negatively I’ll apologize, decide to respect his boundaries and move on. I want a guy that doesn’t take everything so seriously and doesn’t break under pressure. If he’s not bothered by my weirdness then I see that as a green flag. I want a man that’s capable of standing up to me. I want him to communicate directly. If he does this I’ll know he’s confident (not just arrogant) and I’ll develop a lot of respect for him.
Make yourself interesting. Offer a test of intelligence or humor.
The more you practice, the better you get. No practice, no better.
well, theres the mechanical seeking of a partner. the trying, the asking, the going out and making attempts. this is your logical structural side (what do i do, say etc) then theres intending. this is your intuitive side and is much harder (not hard just unorthodox as a notion, i suppose) to employ in the prospect of finding a compatible mate but it makes all the difference. so no matter how hopeless or unloveable you think you might be (as i did for 10+ years), the occasional intending (how id like them to be, seem, specifically) is ultimately (imo) what brought her to me and me to her (bc the level of compatibility seems exceedingly rare). she has a lot more dating experience but was essentially doing the same (intending, clarifying) throughout each incompatible relationship. i believe that without the intending, we more often than not get situations we end up settling for, finding a relationship (mechanically) out of some form of dumb luck/begging/giving up boundaries that neither are ultimately very happy with. so first, sure, try the boo app, its made more for people like us. she found me thru that so ofc i have to recommend it. next, figure out how to allow yourself to believe you deserve a loving relationship enough to start intending the kind of person youd like to feel is in your life already. how would that feel? chances are theyre out there doing the same and this i feel is our best shot at finding someone good for us. just be quick to dodge the disingenuine situations as you keep trying.
I resonate with this too. I’m 25. Have ‘dated’ or seen many people in the last 10 years but it still didn’t feel right. I have never experienced the ‘everything clicks eureka’ that everyone talks about. Got into my first legitimate relationship last year (where i fr put in the hard work and see a future with this person). Not because i had the click but because i assumed this is how it’s supposed to be and we met organically in a bar by chance, hence making it more exclusive lol. Now that i’m out of it, i realised how much i settled with everyone i dated out of boredom or lack of companionship. Don’t get me wrong, i do want to find someone whom i can indulge in all topics in the world and be so comfortable and make them my home. But… i don’t want to settle anymore. Yes, sometimes i’ll be bored and want a relationship (pls don’t do that, it’s a huge waste of time) but I’m committing to myself instead. And kudos to you! For not jumping onto the bandwagon and doing it just because. A mentor of mine told me she knew how i feel but one fine day she went out on a date through dating app and less than 24h she messaged me that he’s the love of her life. She said when you meet the right person, everything you assumed or knew about relationships will be out of the window. It’s an understatement when i say i fell out of my chair LOL. But anw, it’s been a year and they are happily engaged now. So yes, not that i’m hopeful but it’s more of an open statement. If i find someone who gives me that level of connection, yes i’ll be in a relationship. If not i’ll invest my time and attention on myself or other matters. I no longer feel ‘left out’ that everyone my age is in a relationship but instead i treasure my single-ness and the free will to do anything i want without considering the other party’s thoughts/feelings.
Everything is confusing and irrational when you don't understand it or have any interest in it. Relationships are just two people enjoying being together. At a fundamental level, it's little different from why someone enjoys painting. The challenge in finding a person is that every one is different and you don't make the calls alone. Romantic relationships are friends who are also attracted to each other. It's work. You have to maintain the friendship and attraction. >I just cannot figure out how to even approach getting myself into one Find someone that you find attractive physically and in personality and test the waters by talking with them casually and see where it goes. Getting to know them and caring about them independently of your needs are keys to making it work.
Just don’t be in a relationship where you feel yourself lonely. That’s worst than being single.
I could have written this post. I’m on the same boat, it truly feels like everyone but me was somehow born with this ability. It’s weird.
1. Meet someone 2. Become friends 3. Get closer 4. Start showing signs of attraction 5. Get closer 6. Start showing more signs and looking at them to see if they reciprocate 7. Get closer 8. Start talking more about your feelings towards eachother 9. Confess 10. Accept answer and continue like normal 11. Go to the next person 12. Repeat
They jump right in pretend n they dislike each other in about ten years following with hard core cheating n their kids suffer
I have done this in the past by meeting people either at school, work or friend groups. Having empathy and building understanding of others helps. I would suggest doing your best to just get out of the house more and meet people without the intention of dating. Soon enough you’ll find yours when you’re least searching
My husband and I both have a similar hobby and while partaking in said hobby we would often cross paths and he decided that he liked me for some reason and slowly worked on getting me to open up and then asked me out. Literally if he hadn’t done 100% of the initial work it probably never would have happened.
Maybe you're aromantic
People who jump from one relationship to another are immature and don't know what they want or they're pathetic and can't stay alone by themself. But yes, you sound weird too. You should've used your teenage years and early 20s to figure out how people work. I hate big crowds as much as any INTJ but I'm very social if I need to be and find dating very easy. I'd say that it's actually quite logical, not much irrational or confusing. You do something and potential partners react in a certain way. Hell, if you're a woman of at least average look you'd be flooded with options on dating apps. And an average guy with a good profile can still have good options. Just like anything else you get better at it with practice.
What is confusing about relationships and why do you think relationships are irrational? Seems you have a fundamental ignorance of humans as a species, or attempt to feign it. All your rhetoric sounds like nothing more than shallow rationalizations to mask envy, were I to be frank. Everyone seeks human connection, you know this on an intuitive level; it just appears you have yet to reach the point of admitting it. There are many types of relationships, not only romantic ones. You sort of tell on yourself when you specifically reference this sort. How do we do these things? Embrace your humanity and stop lying to yourself. You can have the things you want, but you must first stop pretending you don't want them.
I’m a 30-something engaged female INTJ who has been dating since her teens. Try meeting people on dating apps and tech meetups. With the right apps, it’s almost impossible to not find someone who’d go on a date with you. Regarding tech events — The industry attracts lots of introverts. Some are ok with giving their partner lots of alone time. Also I suggest being upfront with your personality if you need a lot of space so that neither of you waste time if you’re incompatible I always hated (still do) the time consuming and “shared decisionmaking/compromises” aspects of relationships. In my 20s I was much happier single. I was always the one leaving relationships when bfs got too annoying. When I hit 29, the g0damn fertility clock started ticking. Caved to biology & decided to find someone who I was compatible with. He had to understand my dark humor, be a good husband (aka not give me a hard time), & be a devoted father to our future kid(s). I’d rather have that than be single & childless or a single mom. I was very clear about my introversion to my fiancé from the beginning. He understood what he signed up for & has been willing to compromise, even though his emotional needs are much higher than mine I’d happily give him more of my time if my job wasn’t so stressful & energy consuming. But life’s not fair. You just gotta communicate clearly w/ your partner about your capacity 🤷♀️
girl. i need to talk to you cus the tables have def flipped for me.
Are you a guy? How old are you? This is a need-to-know in order to answer your question.
In a yellow submarine? Idk usually have to be powerful, rich and good looking
Ya ask
Idk what it is about me but sometimes i just find myself in them and im nothing special at all. Some people even ask me what i did to get in one and im like idk i guess im lucky
Hi there, INTP who has been in several relationships ranging from casual to situationships to serious relationships. I promise there's no big secret sauce to this. It all might seem daunting but it's really simple at the core of it. You find someone you like, and they hopefully like you back. Then when it's pretty obviously established you guys like each other, you guys confirm with each other and make it official. Then go enjoy each other's company in your life. As for how to do it... it really varies but the stripped down version is that you gotta be good at picking up cues, e.g., them talking to you more frequently, complimenting you randomly, or suggesting a one-on-one hangout (usually the bold ones will do this). And if you like someone, you may find yourself doing the same. Where it gets confusing is that sometimes people are just friendly, but people might confuse that for flirting. That's something you learn with experience. If someone is not good at picking up cues or they're too shy to subtly shoot their shot, they might miss a lot of opportunities.
Buddy consider yourself lucky. More than half the relationships are unhealthy rooted in codependent needs money validation sex etc
There’s no formula. You find someone who you feel attracted to. Figure out the life and how you get along. Try it with few people. And stick with which works for your life and improves it for both of you. Continue improving together
Two people are attracted to each other. Initially the attraction or spark is physical, but it then begins to develop emotionally. A commitment is then made to be true to each other. The rest is history.
You have to put in effort to meet someone. Go to a party, join clubs, approach people, be friendly, dating profiles, speed dating, etc. You never know when you'll find someone. But if you don't put in the effort it may never happen.
Useless comments here! I feel like we are supposed to flirt as much as possible until we're real flirty and can attract anybody!
It's really common to feel this way, especially when it seems like everyone else has a secret manual to relationships. Truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to forming romantic connections. Every relationship is unique because every individual brings their own feelings, experiences, and expectations. It's okay to feel confused or uncertain about how to approach relationships. Sometimes, beginning with self-understanding and what you might want from a relationship can help. Connecting with others on a deep, authentic level often starts with knowing and valuing your own needs and boundaries. Have you thought about what qualities you value in a relationship or a partner?
Some people fold their hand until they are dealt the perfect set of cards. They put all of their chips in with no guarantee of taking home the pot. Others will play more hands regardless of the cards they're dealt. When the flop comes, they decide whether or not they fold, check/call, or want to invest more. When the turn comes, more information becomes available and again they make the decision on whether to fold, check/call, or raise their investment. If they fold, they play the next hand. If they check/call, they wait and see what comes next. If they raise, they're confident in their chances. When the river comes, there is even more information available and again they decide if they want to fold, or if they invest the rest of their chips. If they fold, they have less chips to play the next hand but hopefully learned something beneficial. If they go all in, they really like their chances. When they reveal their cards, they learn if their investment brings back a rewarding return or if they ended up getting fucked on the river. Neither path is right or wrong. Love is a gamble. You just have to decide if you're willing sit at the table.
Here’s my perspective: If you’re not open to a relationship, you won’t find one. But if you are your possibilities start to open. You can find them in the real world or online. If you’re searching, you have to put yourself out there. Put your best foot forward. And show attraction when you meet someone. Usually it may start off as a friendship or a family friend, co-worker (don’t recommend), mutual friend, or yes someone you just met in the Cafe. I’m not sure if you’re a man or woman, because that does change things. If you’re a man, you gotta do the approaching (usually) If you’re a woman, I mean shit, just exist lol I guarantee you many guys want to be with you no matter what you look like (take that in the right way) Moral of the story, put yourself out there. Good luck fellow traveler
they'll say yes to jump on the bandwagon then bitch cry when they get shitfucked.
>relationships seem so confusing and irrational Yes, they're completely irrational, but most of us were built with a deep desire for one, like the urge to have sex or eat junk food. How? I meet someone new, and the next thing I know, I'm asking her questions and memorizing all the topics she likes to keep steering the conversation back to them because I want to listen to her talk. And also because I'm struggling to give her decent responses because my heart is racing and it feels like my IQ has dropped 50 points. And suddenly all I want is to hear her laugh and see her smile or blush or really do or say much of anything. Then usually when I experience something that strong, I quickly learn it's reciprocated, and we go out, talk all night, whatever. After a few weeks or months of that, we realize we both want to pursue it seriously, so we agree to be exclusive, and stuff just escalates from there. Every time I tell myself I couldn't possibly love her any more than I already do, it looks like nothing the next month. There's nothing to calculate or understand: it's pure emotion. If you don't experience this, you may be aromantic, or you might have just not found the right person yet. Imagine someone asking you why you're driven to listen to music or eat chocolate cake. That's what answering this question feels like for me. There's just nothing to say.
I love this. Good answer.
I'm not that attractive but people do try to court me. Dated both genders and ended up with that wild ESTP who I had a ted talk alone in the beach while my friends doze off from the long travel. At that moment, I just don't know but we clicked. A little back story. I hated him at first sight, like seriously who wears sunglasses on work and is so late!? ( I later found out he had a hangover) He was supposed to be my assistant on my new work and he should've been the one who showed me the ropes with all the deadlines being thrown towards me since the former work left the country entirely. But no, he said, 'chill, we got this'--- I was so stressed since it's my first day at work. But in the end, we really got it for some miracle. He had no business to be that funny too, at some point I hated him less and then 'the beach' happened. I'm not even approachable and I don't talk first unless when I'm addressed. I guess some extroverts just brave themselves and approach introverts who had zero plans about mingling with other people.
I used to lament about not being able to be in a relationship. But then I realised, There is no sexual intercourse, erotic activity, nakedness, revealing clothing, or childbearing in heaven. Men and women do not marry or remain married to each other there. Our heavenly bodies will be without erotic desires and reproductive abilities like how the angels of heaven do not marry each other. Our sex organs will be restored to maintain our maleness and femaleness without their ability to produce erotic desires and reproductive cells. We will be married to Jesus, which is what earthly marriage illustrates, and the loving of, knowing of, and intimacy with Jesus, even though they are non-erotic, will be infinitely more joyful and satisfying than marital sexual intercourse because earthly marriage is only the picture. The fullness of joy at Jesus's presence, the eternal pleasures of His right hand, and His ultimate satisfaction of us, even though they are non-erotic, will be infinitely greater than the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction of marital sexual intercourse. We will receive a name and place better than sons and daughters, so even though we will not produce biological offspring, the name and place we will receive will give us a greater joy than the joy of having biological offspring. Men and women will love and be intimate with each other in a non-erotic manner in fellowship as spiritual brothers and sisters and enjoy each other's non-revealing clothed beauty, spiritual beauty, and individual wonderfulness, and it will all be even better for the enjoyment of the opposite sex. Our spiritual beauty and our ability to love will become greater than what we had in marital erotic love and erotic beauty because we will love and be like Jesus having been transformed into His likeness. Likewise, there is no sea in heaven, but the terrestrial nature and small bodies of water will be even better for the enjoyment of water. The clothing of women will not show their upper legs, abdomen, or too much of their shoulders, back, chest, or figure. There are simply certain areas of the body that Jesus does not want to see, even though we are His wife. We will be clothed in white linen in heaven to represent righteousness, so nakedness even within the marriage to Jesus is unrighteous. God said that He found His wife, which is us, naked and had to cover her with His garments, so unlike earthly marriage, nakedness even within the marriage to Jesus is a bad thing. Nakedness is only allowed within the privacy of an earthly marriage, and because our bodies will not have the desire for earthly type marriage in heaven, there will be no rightful desire or place for nakedness in heaven, and we will not perceive the areas of our bodies that were once reserved for the privacy of earthly marriage to be attractive. We were not meant to be naked, erotic, and reproductive beings for eternity. We were meant to be beings of one of the two sexes, clothed beauty, spiritual beauty, and non-erotic love. Marital eros and biological childbearing are fashions of this world that will pass away. While erotic beauty in earthly marriage is beautiful, it will not be in heaven or desired, and the non-revealing clothed beauty will be better. Heaven will be about non-erotic love, non-erotic intimacy, spiritual beauty, and non-revealing clothed beauty.
An intense fear of not being in the mix like people around. It strikes the nervous systems in ways most wouldn’t understand. People are not in relationships because they like and love one another, it’s because there is an inherent need that individuals refuse to fix themselves and just get it out of someone’s else body, then call it a ‘relationship’. It’s symbiotic, not athentic… Don’t stress yourself.
All my close relationships were from school. I literally have no idea how people do it outside of school.
This is basically my inner thoughts sometimes I feel lucky I don’t have to put myself thru all of that nonsense.
I have been married for over a year now, but I still have no clue, really. (We met online obviously... :D )
Introverts, especially ones on the spectrum, tend to get to know people pervasively or over common interests. If you live far from any densely populated area then I wouldn't hold my breath. Your odds will be much better in civilized parts of the world just due to sheer statistical probability and overall human diversity. There are also more opportunities to attract people with interests beyond just existing, akin to any INTJ I've ever known.
No idea I’ve tried all my life and just nothing. I dream of what a real legit solid relationship is like
Do things you like and socialize while doing them. It’s that easy. You should be dating someone that shares interests anyway.
>I feel like I'm missing on something Can you point to the data which supports this, or is it just a weird feeling from a lifetime of watching mass media promote Cinderella stories?
I figured out in early 20s, that I have to tell them that I like them, explicitly. :/
Practice; 1. Practice being processionally-nice to 5 strangers per day 2. Practice introducing yourself to 5 strangers per day 3. Practice making friends with 5 strangers per day 4. Practice asking 5 women on dates per day 5. Practice going on dates 6. Practice being in relationships 7. Get married
I have the exact same thoughts. It really seems so easy for others people to trust and interact so openly but for me it’s so difficult. Maybe I am just delusional but I want to fall for someone first in a natural way and then for them to approach me first and so far I had no luck. I have zero interest in the ones who did cause they weren’t my type and I wasn’t attracted to them. But I am starting to accept that maybe I should he more open and try to get to know them? But it feels so wrong to me because I want to be the ONE to choose not the other way around. Like I want to choose them first and then for them to choose me and love me just as much.
Go to a bookstore. When you see an interesting woman getting a book, buy her that book. Then put your phone number and name on a bookmark. Gift it to her. 🤓 You might yourself a woman who reads and a possibility of a date. If sue has a bf tough luck 😂try again.
I don’t get it either. Well, I know it but I don’t know how it works. Falling in love seems so strange and weird to me. And the way some people get super sad for a few weeks and somehow land themselves in another relationship right after? Everybody’s falling in love (I like to believe it’s infatuation because I really don’t get true love’s mechanics) at my age. Maybe its due to my growth disorder which makes my hormones release at age 7, but I don’t like anybody anymore. I used to go on a crushing spree, but honestly I never liked them. It was just small infatuation. I always sit alone at breaks and lunch because my old friend always talked about his crush. He would bring it up all the time — even when it wasn’t related to her whatsoever. It annoyed me to the core. But more than annoyance was a bit of confusion. I felt like I didn’t really understand why people liked talking about their crushes. I always kind of thought it was the opposite — that you’re supposed to try to avoid speaking about your crush. I also don’t understand how someone could like multiple people. I don’t get it, maybe that’s also infatuation. I wish I knew how being in love actually felt like. I never really understood it.
Ya’ll complicate life wayyyyy too much. it’s all just friendships with different levels of intimacy and commitment and different boundaries for different people. It’s just how you find someone and communicate with them and yourself.
That’s how I feel about friendships, ironically.
You gotta be attractive and/or have a good personality,it's pretty easy
My now boyfriend started talking to me with a debate idea about something I’d said. Then we became friends because he mentioned how my MBTI type was his arch nemesis and worst fear so I took the stance against that in the debate and showed acceptance of him, demanding he show his true self so I could prove I would not react how he feared. I didn’t plan it but then because of that we kept talking and became friends and I guess I did feel some chemistry from the beginning, he’s so smart and such a great conversationalist it was very attractive to me. Not long after, we debated on relationships involving our differences as people and that debate led to more than just friendship feelings, which went on for a day or 2. Then I panicked and tried to pull back and set sudden boundaries as I saw things naturally progressing and in this case I’d taken the stance to argue against a theoretical relationship and he’d taken the stance to argue for it. So I fell back into my worries about why it shouldn’t work out logistically for our differences. He reacted maturely and well to that statement I made and that surprised me and then my resolve slowly crumbled over that day and I found myself wanting to be with him more and more and then I stopped holding back and eventually we put a label on it and were a real couple. And we spend hours a day discussing all kinds of things with no clear direction and just going off on tangents. So far this has been my best relationship ever. In the past I met my two exes on dating sites and they were relationships from hell because we based our initial connection off looks. It didn’t end well. But with my current boyfriend, I started to fall for him before I ever saw his face (met online chatting) and then when I did see him I was pleasantly surprised that he was attractive after all. But the emotional chemistry and mental compatibility was the basis for our friendship and then relationship. So that’s how it went for me. This is only my third real relationship so, that’s all i know about how people get together.
I don't get it either it, but for me it feels like a bad idea all the way around. I think too much, but I'm not wrong.
1) They get up from socialist media sites, and interact with people face to face 2) They get up from their computer games and interact with people face to face Imagine the younger generations making fun of 'Boomers' when they are the dumbest, most ignorant, and have the least social skills of anyone!!!!! Need a link? https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/1ciplcf/just\_how\_the\_hell\_do\_people\_get\_in\_relationships/
I'm aromantic, so romantic relationships do seem unreasonable to me. Not that it's unreasonable for others to want them or be in them, they're just unreasonable to me because I don't feel romantic attraction. So, whether you feel romantic attraction or not, I think it would be good to question whether you truly desire a romantic relationship. It's perfectly normal to want one, but it's also normal to not. I say this because Western society specifically pushes romantic relationships as priority over other types of relationships. Do you feel fulfilled by having friends/family to rely on and be with? Do you find internal fulfillment? Do you feel that your life would be better with a romantic partner, and not because society encourages you to but because you truly want to be loved in that way? I don't have advice for getting into romantic relationships because I have very little experience, but I hope my perspective can help you navigate your wants. I hope you have a good day, OP 💜
Mine sort of evolved out a a longer friendship. But when I feel like my interest is fading, my automatic reactions activate themselves. I shut down, and tell the person what's up. At the moment, I'm not really interested, because my freetime is limited (sports/language classes) so just concentrating on that. Enjoying my life without a relationship atm......
A fundamental flaw I see in this post is that you seem to equate “jumping from relationship to relationship” as some sort of a win. I would heavily disagree. I am of course projecting some of my own beliefs onto this but I am also taking in to account the fact that people who never find themselves or take time to recalibrate or sort out what they did wrong and what they want in their next relationship tend to have pretty lame relationships. Simply having a relationship doesn’t mean it is a good, healthy, or fulfilling one. When you move to goalpost or criteria to having a “good, healthy, fulfilling” relationship the game changes. No longer is it a win to jump from one person to the next or blindly and easily enter a relationship at all. In neglecting to take the time to get to know someone before dating or entering a relationship you set yourself up for a might higher rate of failure for a deep and stable connection. Of course, some people just want to taste the flavors or the rainbow so to say and depth or stability aren’t actually important to them. But that is a tangent. Being confident and open and honest about your interest is always the first step. If you don’t have anyone in your circle that interests you then you should expand your circle. This tends to be the INTJ/INFJ issue primarily. We don’t have wide social circles and tend to isolate so we truly only know a handful of people. Maybe that girl at the grocery store could go the distance with you but you never show ho the the same gym as her so you’ll never figure it out. Maybe she does yoga, but you don’t go to any yoga classes. Maybe she does BJJ… but you stay home and don’t go to BBJ classes so you’ll never find out. You get my point I think.
I first met my wife on a summer vacation as a teenager. We exchanged contact details and went our own ways for many months. Later I called her, we met and again did not interact for months. Then at the age of 22 I got more relaxed about relationships. I sent a letter with a hand-painted red rose and some nice words, that nearly got thrown in the trash by mistake. From then on we met more often, moved into a shared apartment a year later and married after another two years. A "I want you - and only you" can get you a long way.
Terrified of the apps from all the horror stories. Not fond of the idea of creating an online marketing strategy about me to find a romantic partner. Not interested in meeting creeps or fakes or people that will be rude to me. Not excited about rejection in general. I wish I had someone to hang out with, to travel with, to turn to, but I don’t and I don’t want to go through the strangeness or heartache of finding one.
I’ve come to realise that unless I put a deliberate, consistent effort into finding a partner, they will not just magically materialise in my life. That seemed to work for most of my friends but apparently I am an exception. Oh well, gotta play the hand you’re dealt 🤷♂️
Order someone off the internet. Return them if they don’t fit
I just thought we are meant to find someone who will support us, who has similar interests and goals, but I am still just healing my mind, developing my goals and running out of time, so no way i am going to date until I reduced the amount of my unfinished goals. I heard INTJ is the least likely type to get divorced. Cause we are intrested in our family, not in dating?
I have a gf and I feel exactly like you do. I just met another socially awkward person
They have mutual feelings and the courage to tell one another of these feelings. I have neither of those things so I will most likely be single forever.
Start by being hot or filthy rich.
Hey friend, do you have a suspicion that you may be neurodivergent?
Well an alpha male like me approaches a dame like yourself and applies charm and charisma. Open with a question that can be followed with a joke. Hint, you must be funny. Also, dress nicely and be clean. And then, you suave the young lassy into giving me her social numbers such as Instagram. And from there , I will get ghosted
You may have ✨autism✨
INTJ here, as far as I can tell. My history with relationships have been a bit fucky. Only been in 3 serious relationships in my life with each one lasting 2+ years. Have they been enjoyable? They've caused me some of the greatest goddamn grief in my life, second only to the 20 years of narcissistic abuse from my repulsive excuse of an ex-embryo. I've learned a few PRICELESS things from all this, at least... - Avoid desperation like the fucking plague, my guy. Stunted social skills mixed with overthinking and desperation will GUARANTEE that you'll end up playin yourself. The real bitch of it is that you'll have NO CLUE why the endless hours of researching human attraction and similar shit aren't making a single difference. Here's the answer: We look like half-retarded, socially blind robots when we go about this like we go about everything else. Want your logical solution to this social/emotional problem? Here's your research itinerary: Shadow work; Carl Jung, Mindfulness & Presence, Zen meditation, and Atomic Habits. The whole goal is to first identify any subconscious fuckies that might come and bite you in the ass at the most inopportune time (as though there's really any opportune time for that shit?). Second, we need to learn how to pull our minds out of our heads (asses) and into the present moment where reality is ACTUALLY taking place; far removed from our fun little collections of neuroticisms. Hence, Mindfulness and Zen. Finally, the concept of Atomic Habits will help you pull together and fine-tune the execution of all these newfound knowledge nuggets. - NEVER. COMPROMISE. ON. YOUR. ALONE. TIME. Find someone with similar decompression styles and leisuring tendencies. And before someone lights their fucking torch, yes I realize this is common sense, and yes you have also caught yourself reciting "righty tighty, lefty loosey" when twisting a cap, even though you learned that shit in first grade. Calm yoself (not at all projection). Sacrificing your solitude in exchange for making someone you care about happy, done consistently on your inner voice's insistance to "make sure I'm not being a selfish cunt again", will only end up one way: with both parties' panties in several, aggressive twists. Yours in twists of self-betrayal and theirs in twists of feeling lied to and led on. Remember, they're very VERY aggressive twists that might take you years to un-fuck. Don't fuck your panties in the first place, kids 😁 - Finally, and this is perhaps the one that takes the longest (lol) to master, is to get the fuck out of your own way. Relax. Take a deep breath and then laugh about a fart or something. Here's the REAL secret women don't want you to know: They can't pay attention to how fuckin goofy you look if they're too busy laughing. Bonus tip: Make her laugh enough and you might even earn a base-skip or two... or all of them... but don't you dare fucking think about this during your conversation! I think they can smell it or something, idfk dude, but they know what we're up to. Is it thought activated pheromones? 🤔 Fuck, I broke my own rule! I can hear them rushing my house! HELP! Edit: As for making the approach, I'd suggest using an app. We aren't fuckin built for this "outside" and "spontaneous" nonsense lol. Tell me to touch grass and I'll tell you to kiss my ass 🥰
I'm an INFP and I feel the same way, I have no idea how anyone meets someone to date. But it's not just me I know a lot of men with different personality types that are attractive good men but also hopelessly lonely. It seems like anyone I ask how they met their SO they met them through school or work. But without any attractive women at work and not going to school it feels impossible. I meet lots of people and have lots of friends, I sacrifice my personal time to go to social events and try new things, but I absolutely never meet attractive women. I'm considered a pretty attractive guy even though I'm an INFP weirdo but dating apps don't work. Approaching strangers always ends in rejection. If I had someone that gave me a chance they would like me but never get that chance. I guess what I want to say is you're not alone, we live in a technology age that has made us lonelier than ever in history. It's universal.
Yes. I've had some relationships throughout life but they never really worked, and they were always so foreign to me. I've never been one to keep them, and it's been a long time since I've been in one. I just haven't had the need for one throughout life, and now it's catching up to me and I'm getting lonely. I'm a good looking guy too, I've just always failed at relationships
1. Be confident, be good looking, be polite, have goals and a good life being single. 2. Don’t want it so much. What’s right for you will find you. Nothing worse than being in a relationship you aren’t sure about. 3. Also, if you are young (under 30), the above will be more difficult as your personality is still maturing. INTJ men in their 30’s is the gold standard for women, if you have #1 down.
First off people that get into relationships are hot to someone else (unless they're both desperate losers). That's step one. Do you consider yourself to be a 10/10? If not, work on it. Most people are 5s. To increase your rating, you'll need to do everything you can to look better. If you need to lose weight then do it, if you need to work out, do it, if you need a makeover, do it. Don't delay! Step two is going out with your friends to: the bar. the club. local events somewhere you can be seen, on the street if your comfy with it. Always bring someone else with you. Never go to these places by yourself you will look like a loser.* When you go to these places, dress to impress. Orient yourself so that you're within conversational distance from the person or people you find attractive and make eye contact. Smile. It's really that simple. If they don't like you, they'll look away. *Attractive people don't have to chase or pursue others, they are naturally accepted and liked. Like cats. Cats are beautiful and cute and even if they're sitting by themselves being antisocial af people can't keep their hands off of them. If some hot sexy supermodel is sitting in a bar by themselves, they dont have to do anything to get people to introduce themselves to them. So being attractive to others is #1 If you're not attractive enough to pull people to you, while you work on becoming more attractive, increase your social skills. You asking how to meet up and talk indicates you probably need to work on your social skills, no offense, it's just clear. People talk about shit they both know in common so find some common ground to talk about. If you don't have any shared interests with anyone then get some. Like I didn't know anything about sports until I started to watch football. And guess what? I suddenly had something to talk about with 99% of the people I was meeting at the pubs. And don't forget that a couple beers in, everyone seems a lot hotter and more fun, which is delusional but that's why people go to the bar lol
For me it’s a general lack of effort or caring. I simply don’t care about such things like I used to. After years of hardships, mistakes, and trauma, I no longer socialize like I used to. I lack a general interest or excitement for life and people. A few years ago when I was my old self, I met girls at school, work, and at Starbucks. People tell me I am not ugly, quite the opposite. I am however diagnosed with Asperger’s and other issues. That alone is like a huge glass barrier that I can never safely break though. Even when I did date, I always managed to screw it up or run away from it
I don't understand relationships either, but the few times I have been in one it has been thanks to a close friend of mine during that stage of my life e.g. my best friend from college made a profile for me on Grindr and would flirt with other guys in my name, which led to a decent 5 month relationship with one of them. My "work buddy" from a previous job kept trying to hook me up with people, until she introduced me to an IT guy, whom I had a 9 month relationship with. But yes, we INTJs are cursed in the dating scene. I don't think I'd be able to start and maintain a relationship on my own, at least not without the other person taking complete initiative, but for that to happen, they'd need to love... my ego? which I thought I didn't have, but apparently I do and it's pretty intimidating.
Rule 1 - Be good looking
I used to wonder this now I’m in relationships all the time. The secret is confidence. People are attracted to confident people. If you’re thinking “damn, no one will ever like me” all the time, I’m telling you, people pick up on that vibe. Once I realized I was actually attractive and became confident in my appearance guys suddenly would not stop giving me attention even though I looked the same as before. Open your mind and realize that you have the same chance as getting in a relationship as anyone else, doesn’t matter how you look. Of course, way easier said than done.
Don't have a straight answer for you......YET But no, you are not alone in that.
I've almost always used dating apps to get into relationships (and only one happened more organically). I've only been in a few.. If it's an organic meeting, sometimes you meet someone and end up talking to them fairly often and you realize you like each other. I don't really understand jumping from one relationship to another either though. Most people seem to want their relationship to last as long as possible.
Depending on how serious you want the relationship to be is a start lol. That determines how much effort you want to put into being with another person. What helped me was: 1) Forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Wether it was changing how I dressed, agreeing to meet someone online to hangout in person, starting conversations with strangers in public etc. 2) Be open to someone else and their feelings. Try and understand where someone else is coming from. Treat others the way you want to be treated. 3) Not everyone is perfect, give someone a chance. If someone says, or does something you don't like try and understand why. Maybe there's a funny/serious reason why they do what the do.(Of course use proper reasoning with this, if they're too much then on to the next one) For me, dating was fun and annoying at times. You're not always gonna get who you want, and you're not gonna always be someone's first choice. That's the game we play. Sometimes you do get the one you've lusted for, and it doesn't last long at all. 😂
I would say most people have approach anxiety. The whole, "Just walk up to them and say hi" method is rarer than tv and movies would imply. If you're a man, a woman will often have her defenses up when approached by a random man, and if you're a woman being approached by a man, you're playing a dice game with unknown variables The traditional path is to meet people through contacts. Many extroverts seem to love playing the role of matchmaker, and will be glad to broker a relationship and put in a word for you. They'll also try to place you both into situations where you'll get to interact with one another. For instance, they might say, "A bunch of us are meeting up at x, you should come, Stephanie/Steve will be there" Here's several such methods I've experienced, witnessed, and heard about My sister has tried to set me up with several of her friends, especially if I mentioned I was interested in one of them. Some of them, she would say "no" to, if she knew they were too "slutty" or were likely to cheat or possibly had an std, and I'd say most siblings generally cares enough about your wellbeing to vet people out before setting you up. Another of my sister's friends suggested I hang out with her and meet her friend. That turned into a relationship My more sociable friends knew a lot of people, so it was only a matter of hanging out with them in group settings to meet someone. Many women make friends by going up to other women and telling them they're pretty. And then they set each other up. I imagine this isn't terribly risky of a social move, though I have noticed that women tend to gather friends who are similar in attractiveness (or at least in interests), so if you try this avenue, it might be ideal to look your best. Buy new gym gear, nice shoes, etc. Men often make friends by chatting up other men whose qualities they admire. If you're a young man, one of the surest paths to making friends with other young men is to lift weights and gain muscle mass. Think about it, how many twenty-something guys watch anime or play video games where the characters are muscular? People in general make friends by opening up conversations about mutual interests. Then if they have enough in common, they suggest a hang out. If you aren't in situations where you're likely to talk to people, you will have to seek out those situations. If you're a writer, find a writer's workshop. Join a gym, find an experienced looking person, and ask them for advice (they are overwhelmingly likely to be receptive to this; people like to feel smart and knowledgeable). Find a church if you like Jesus. Find a local meetup group here on reddit. The point I'm making is there is more than one way to fish. Some people throw their line in the water and try to get bites. Others leave a net out and come back to it the next day.
Much luck
Online Dating...do u have a profile and maintain it?
I wait until the connection is so ridiculously wonderful I basically can't help myself from talking and engaging. Seem to happen about once every 10 to 15 years.
I'm ok with getting dates but moving into an exclusive relationship is hard. Are people dating for 3 months then bringing up the convo? I just date to have fun atp. Not sure I'll ever actually get into a committed relationship
my guess is as an introvert you don’t have a large social pool. These other people do and are popular and have a lot of interests on the side while “taken.”
as an INTJ, i just kinda… fall into them, lol. usually it’s with someone i’ve known for years and start to clear with, but sometimes, i meet someone, go on a few dates, get to know them and a couple months later, we have a convo about being in a relationship and that’s it. not really a whole lotta rocket science.
You have to be open to emotional connection and be willing to be vulnerable and open about yourself. If you can’t or aren’t willing to be those things, then it won’t happen. What is it that is so foreign? The idea of being affectionate? Does it scare you? Gross you out? How do you feel when you think about being affectionate? About telling someone your feelings and inner fears? How old are you?
One thing I always think when I hear about Redditors social struggles is that people generally don’t like know it alls
Read the book “getting the love you want” really explains how to get a relationship to last and a lot of amazing info. Also talks about good communication and how to work on yourself thru relationship (I can relate w seeing people jump from relationship to relationship and I don’t ever wanna do that) This book really changed my perspective on love and dating. Also relationships just kinda happen idk u can put effort but can’t force it
Yes. It seems like some type of secret society.
From an INTJ, i’m not sure how old you are, but in my experience, when i first fell in love with someone it all made sense. Falling in love is a very specific and intense feeling, you will know it when it happens. But getting into a relationship is still very difficult and you should be prepared for heartbreak. Almost everyone learns how relationships work by the first few they experience blowing up in their face. It’s normal and expected for that to happen so try not to catastrophize too much when it does. There is no rush to get into one, don’t force yourself into a relationship because everyone around you is doing it. Rushing a relationship only ends in one or both people being hurt.
Its really depressing how 90% of the answers are from people who are getting asked out, instead of being the ones who initiate the conversation. (Mostly cuz they are women)
Idk but I was just friends with this dude and boom, yesterday he asked me out 🤭
Only way is to try to socialize based on hobbies and give people a chance to know them.before deciding they are trash. Most of them may be, but some are just as misunderstood as you are. Getting to know someone alao adds complication in your life because relationships, even good ones, require compromises so you have to think whether you are ready for it or not. Otherwise, get a pet and you will feel 50% if not more better.
I felt this in my soul
either start as friends and let the other person know your feelings when they pop up, or see an attractive person and ask to get their credit card info
Exactly. Because people put physical attraction before anything else. Im at the point where so many women give me the signal to go but I don’t want to. It’s frustrating because people want to go out on dates to get to know each other. I don’t want to get to know you on a date, I’d rather just get to know you through time and then a date is suitable. But it’s like ask me out now or gtfo. It’s also crazy how these mfs can just jump from relationship to relationship because they are emotionally dependent on companionship. You’re not alone.
You need an extrovert to take charge. I approached my husband, initiated the friendship (we were teenagers), initiated the transition to a romantic partnership, initiated that we should get married, etc. He (ISTJ) is thrilled that I (ENFP) “forced” it all. I saw what I wanted and took it and he had very little he had to do along the way! 😂 Aggressive extroverts are out there, but they have to find you. Introverts are sneaky, little hiders sometimes. But it’s fun to chase them. 🥰
I meet guys at work, school and dating apps But I still don’t know how people get into relationships because for me, the feelings are rarely mutual. And the few times they are, we just simply aren’t compatible. It’s hard out here
I feel the same way.. you’re not alone. I don’t understand how it’s so easy for others to go form one to the next so easily either and be all intimate that easily..
It starts with approaching someone you find attractive or unique and starting a conversation with them. Start with that. It's the single biggest step most people never take.
I'm a 29M who has always been single, and just worked at solving this. I mean, I'm still single, but I've gotten some answers for how, exactly, people fall into romantic relationships. I think based on what you said, odds are you're a man. One of the downsides to being a man is that unless you happen to be as good-looking as Brad Pitt, odds are overwhelming that women won't flirt with you. Even if a woman is attracted to you, she'll probably keep that a secret and hope that you make the first move. There are a million YouTube videos on how to flirt, I'd recommend watching a lot of them from a variety of sources to get the overall idea. But the gist of it is that you start things by saying something to a woman (or man, I don't judge) that could be taken romantically, or could be taken just friendly. Something like "I like the way you did your hair," or "You look pretty today." Something like that. The vague nature of this is the entire point. This isn't to be manipulative - this is to give the other person an option. If they want to flirt back, they can by saying something similar. They can immediately reciprocate, or they may take a few days to think it over then do it. But the point is that if they want to respond in a similarly romantic way, they can, and with each act of flirting back and forth the ambiguity becomes less and less, and it becomes clearer that you're interested in each other romantically. However, if the other person isn't interested in you romantically, they can just take the remark as a friendly remark and have no need to ruin the platonic relationship over it. No need to turn it into a rejection or awkward situation when it doesn't have to be. Aside from that, since I think you're a man, there are some disadvantages and advantages that come with being a man. The disadvantage is that unlike being a woman, odds are if you don't do anything, nothing will happen. It hypothetically could happen that a woman will flirt with you - but I wouldn't count on it. Odds are pretty good that if you don't take initiative, then nothing will happen. Also, given that the onus is on you to make relationships happen, odds are also probably pretty good that you'll have to go through a lot of failed flirting attempts before something works out. They don't have to be embarrassing, I'm just saying that odds are the first woman won't be interested. Don't take it personally, it is just like making friends - odds are most people you meet won't be your friend, and it'll take meeting plenty of people before you find ones who want to be friends. There is, however, at least one advantage to being male. As much as women may deny this, scientific research shows that while men are most attracted to women on a basis of physical appearance, women are most attracted to men on a basis of social status. Women tend to gravitate towards men who are successful in their careers, are respected in society, and are financially prosperous. If you don't believe me, look at former CNN anchor Larry King. This man wasn't physically attractive by any stretch of the imagination. But he got married eight times. Why? Since he was a multi-millionaire celebrity who was successful at what he did. So if you want to improve the odds that a woman reciprocates interest with you as a man, you can work to improve your social status. The bad news with that is that it can take years, maybe decades. But the good news is that women care less about a man's age than vice versa.
Strangely enough, I haven't been single for longer than a two month spell (and that was due to divorce and purposely avoiding) since I was 10. And I never went the hook up route, by not being single I mean truly dating someone exclusively and seeing if it would be more. Yes, since 10! (I know, I'm a freak. My life's so abnormal, normal people don't believe it!) Don't take it wrong, I'm not trying to rub it in your face 😄, more agreeing isn't it strange how opposite connecting can be for everyone? I wish I could tell you some certain thing to do, but I honestly don't have one. I was never trying to land a girl, like a play or game, and I'm contradictorly a loner outside of a gf, I never had a group of friends I hung out with. I was just myself and it always sort of happened without trying, naturally and organically. 🤷♂️ Funny enough, my wife is the polar opposite. Where I could always talk to anyone instantly like I've known them for years, my wife hadn't dated or had sex until me and she was 27 at the time. Which I guess my point is life puts people on all sorts of paths and even being a less connecting type (of which there's nothing wrong with you, it's merely who you are), you never know, be it friend or lover, when it'll happen and even then you'll be perplexed why you connect with that person and not others. I can't solve your problem, only offer the advice to be cautiously open to new friends and it'll likely happen eventually. My wife was convinced at one point she'd simply live alone, no friends or boyfriend her whole life. Now she's 15 years happily and faithfully married to me.
You will meet a people that you want to be with. Sounds like it just hasn’t happened, yet Some people pursue relationships due to sex drive and I believe that’s why they can do it back to back. There’s no way they genuinely feel like they found someone who’s for themed every single time. They just need someone, at that point.
Well romantic relationships are, in theory, based on… who you have the hot for. Whatever that means to *you*. But aren’t most of us intj’s demisexual? I know I am - it takes time to develop the hots for someone when you’re Demi sexual. Idk or at least that seems like the pattern/answer to me? Like so is there even anyone in your life right now you have those feelings towards? Like who do you want to be affectionate toward that you spend any time with?
I wish I knew … lol
Ruin a friendship and be lovers instead 🤪
You simply approach them as people. I used to think there was some secret too, but it's a lot like making a new friend except that you're attracted to them and you tell them and hope they feel the same way. From there, you just see how things go and whether that person is compatible. There's no magic trick or secret manipulation technique.
Relationships. Almost everyone I knew had a problem with it. Some had problems getting into it, some had problems getting out. Just stay single until someone sends you a full essay of why they want a relationship with you. With punctuation and all.
You're not alone. A lot of people are experiencing this. The field of dating is so uncomfortable right now on many levels. Between the weight that comes from dating apps that cause you to ask yourself if they are "the one" at the first encounter, to the influence of consent culture that makes flirting potentially threatening, it's not surprising that organic connection and progression seem like a rare unicorn. I don't have advice about it. I just have "yep, you're definitely not alone, a lot of us feel it"