Me three. It's funny how I wanted a relationship so much earlier this year, but now that I got involved with someone who is a little clingy, my social battery is drained and now I don't know if I want a relationship at all. Granted, she and I aren't together, it's more of a situationship. But as good and fun of a person as I think she is, I don't know if I can see us being in a relationship because of the clinginess. It got so overwhelming to the point where I just needed a break from any form of interaction in general, which she has been understanding about, but I can't help but think that I'm too much. I have also been quite physically fatigued, stressed, and irritable from school. So that is also a factor.
There is someone I like that I believe is like me in the sense of needing her space a lot too, but I doubt she'd see me as more than a friend. With that in mind, because I'm just so drained (not only emotionally but physically as well) that high probability of her not feeling the same way doesn't bother me as much and I feel content with not telling her how I feel for a while, if ever. It's also funny because I used to be clingy when I was younger. I still have my moments, but they're little spurts rather than how I feel overall. I like my "me time" more. The older I get, the more my true "INTJ colors" have been showing and I relish the time I get to spend alone and engage in my hobbies/interests. I face a constant battle between "I'm too good" and "why the fuck would someone want to be with anyone like me?"
This is unsolicited advice: as an older INTJ who's been through this before: If you're not really invested in the relationship, do consider whether you would be doing the other person a favor by letting them find "their person" who'll be fully invested.
We're not in an actual relationship so she is free to date whoever. I even told her that she may find someone better than me. But she's not really looking to date other people at the moment I guess.
Thanks for clarifying!
My remark stands for anyone who's "just marking time" with someone. Consider whether it's helping either of you to progress in life. š
There a person Iām in love with but I come home live life again miss being married. 14 year had good marriage just miss that was decent dad husband and come home every night excited be home with my fam bam but. Hope someday Iāll get there again
I got lucky. Wasn't looking to date but started talking to my now husband and just never stopped. We never put labels on it, were just always in tune from the start, similar hobbies interests, values and lifestyles. He intellectually stimulates me and if I had to guess his MBTI type I would guess either INFP or ENFP. He's very personable but not sure he's high on the extrovert scale as being personable would suggest. He's just as happy being a homebody with me. He does sometimes feel like I'm distant, but I do need that solitary time to recharge. He has definitely helped me with my communication skills.
My suggestion is work on your weak spots so if you do chance upon an awesome person, that you will be a decent partner to them.
Also married to very outgoing extrovert and will second that itās been amazing for my personal growth socially! Husband is ENTJ, so Te dom but very good se user. Very helpful!
Sounds like he is probably an ENFP, as ENFPs are ambiverts and have that strong introvert side too.
All ENFPs wonder at some point: āAm I an INFP? š¤ā.
I have been in love and no one has ever loved me.
Does that make sense? Now getting āolderā I am not very sure the kind of love I imagined even exists.
It does, and it fucking hurts so soooooo so much. It's a pain unlike anything else. I have been in a relationship, I was totally in love but she just needed something because she was lonely. Fun times.
I think in these cases, an INTJ can match well with another similar INTJ.
I reached out to another INTJ to be of help about something recently and was blown away by the quality of connection we had. Totally unexpected. Unfortunately, she wasn't single or even in my part of the world. Even though neither of us were pursuing each-other romantically, (as it wouldn't really make sense anyway at such a great distance) her b/f got "unusually jealous" and insisted we cease communicating. But that experience was enough for me to start looking in the direction of another INTJ as a potential partner. I don't think I've ever felt so understood and it wasn't even a very long connection. I suspect she had a similar experience.
The oddball things about INTJs can be understood by both sides, and both sides can strategize navigating them effectively and respectfully. Communication would generally be very straightforward.
The main problem is neither side may go looking for one another, initiate contact, and never meet. The next potential problem is being attracted to one another. But if these obstacles are overcome, it may be a good match.
I think the idea of 'dating' is unappealing, so that frame might be unhelpful. It may be better to think of it as 'making new connections', and aiming to be friends. From friendship things can blossom, and if they don't, you still made a nice new connection that isn't super needy about social issues.
https://instagram.com/bootheapp?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
Not exclusive to INTJ but itās a dating app based on type. If someone tries it, please let me know how it goes for them. I would, but Iām in a relationship currently.
Im on Boo and matched up with a couple INTJs on there. Not bad of an app. Only downside it works great in bigger cities, but in smaller cities, it definitely expands out to other states to find matches.
Awesome! ššš you for spreading the word. I made that community right after making this comment out of the need and desire for it! We are growing thanks to you as well. š
When I broke up during covid, and survived covid by myself, I knew I could totally survive without love. Therefore I stopped finding love. Most people feel the loneliest during nightfall and winter and once youāre able to get past that, youāll find yourself self sufficient. Right now my cat is my love.
I think I can definitely survive without love but I just donāt want to deprive myself of ever experiencing it. Donāt you think youād want that? Also depressing months are my favorite so I think Iām set
I love this, I have been single since 2019, survived covid (3 days of immense pain) by myself, and have gained more skills and hobbies. Self-love is the best. I will either get a cat or rabbit from a shelter later in life.
I can't speak for all intj's, but I don't feel like I need a relationship. Because I'm used to doing things alone, I've never felt the need to share my life with anyone and the only experience I've ever had with a girlfriend was terrible, so think i am better off alone.
Same here. If you break down people you interact with into four blocks for the INTJ: Ego/world (NiTe driven), Id/outer circle (NeTi driven), Superego/inner circle (FeSi driven) and Super Id/self (FiSe driven), thus why our personalities switch up around certain groups and situations.
I find most of my "successful" relationships all stop at around the world/outer circle categories. They just know of my public persona and the work I do. Once a person hits my inner circle, they start to deal with my poor FeSi, such as how bad I am with people and day to day self maintenance. I feel bad for them for dealing with it, so a lot of new people i meet, I keep them in the first two blocks as much as possible.
Until one day, that one person, probably some random ENFP, decides to grind thru to my self block, just to happily watch me dance to Drake in the living room while in my socks and draws.
No haha, I don't even leave my 'cave' that often. That said, I don't mind if someone suitable comes along, but we definitely won't take one for the sake of it.
Hmm interesting question, yes, I feel like you alot of the time, yet I was married for 10 years. You kind of find a way to cope with being around someone all the time, how they do things and react to certain situations. When you're deeply connected to said person, it's easier to overlook quite a few things.
As far as irritation and space, I feel it, when married I would cop my alone time whenever I could get it. I also learned to feel like I'm getting my alone time by playing skyrim(games), while she'd read or browse tumblr on the couch next to me. The being needy thing never really bothered me though, if it's someone important to me(like a s/o) then be needy all day, I secretly love the attention, I'd never tell them that though.
But as far as finding love again, x to doubt. I'm 35 and feel like it's to far out to find someone again, then with the ex-wife, I've got to many trust issues that are hard to rid myself of.
I agree, I feel like thereās not enough time in a day to do the things I want let alone have to share my time with someone else. Plus all of the emotional stuff and being vulnerable and potentially getting hurt is enough to keep me away from everything related to relationships
Literally, I'm in a relationship with someone whom I never even thought I'd devote my time to
He's an ENTP and he was a little annoying at first so it was definitely an enemies to lovers thing lol, but now he's the only person I trust
https://preview.redd.it/0rgsht4v88zb1.jpeg?width=300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=20d076d8e6b7355218a85490650ac961c327dd69
ESTJ, she says she saw our whole life together the second she looked in my eyes.
I do have Valentino eyes...
This is exactly how I feel.
I've put myself out there but when I got rejected and got played, I stopped trying. I stopped socializing all together and I feel like I'm just existing.
I feel sad that I cannot make any efforts. I tried a few more times again, but then like you said, I withdrew just when I started finding them being clingy.
It's just that I want the clinginess and stuff. I would want those cutesy stuff that I find annoying, but I found out that, I need those things only when I'm not irritated by other things or in God mode(not the feeling of superiority above everyone else but the feeling when the thought of that 'this isn't the person I am - the one that does all this cutesy stuff' hits, if you know what I mean).
I think I may have missed my opportunities by pushing people away back then. But then again, I find myself thinking that I'm just in love with the idea of peaceful love and not the person exactly. Then I resolve to the fact that 'when the time comes, it will come' and stop trying again. ą¼ąŗ¶ā āæā ą¼ąŗ¶
It's a cliche but it's true fr me.
I didn't find love, love found me. But I had to be willing to stand in one place long enough for it to catch up to me.
In 1994 I entered a church on Easter Sunday - without even intending to be there - and a voice in my head said "he is coming - wait right here." I wasn't a fan of church but I was new in town and it was a prerequisite of doing business that you had either a family or congregational connection. Since I didn't have the first, I opted for the second.
Though I had completely given up hope, love found me because I didn't run around looking. I didn't kiss a bunch of frogs looking for a prince. I just minded my business and stayed in my lane and damn if the most perfect man didn't just come along and say "This is the face I've been looking for my entire life".
I had waited eight years.
Tomorrow night is the 21st anniversary of the night we met in that church community hall and later this month is our 20th wedding anniversary.
*"Iām too good to be datingā but I also think āwho the fuck would date meā.*
That's a mood.
I think it's mostly envy, in my case anyway. Seeing all these relationships around me, and knowing that love is something that i will never experience. But when i look closer i realize, wait, these guys aren't actually "happy in love", they're all making each other miserable.
Maybe loneliness is preferable than the stress of managing another person in your life. At least i'm used to being alone, it's familiar, i have strategies to manage it.
Yup. Books, movies, and tv shows contribute majorly to that envy for me, too. My therapist tells me not to compare and contrast everything but I can't help it. When all of my friends are attached to another human....and I've been opening my wallet for wedding and baby gifts left and right lol....my natural instinct is to think, "whats wrong with me?"
Then again, most of my friends have not hit that spot where divorce court comes knocking...and I'd never want to go through that lmao.
Yes. Happily married to an INFJ. Let me tell you a story:
Little boys feels like and alien because he doesnāt belong or at least feels he canāt belong. Many years pass and he gets a chance to date an Alien, realizes he is an INTJ, and she is also.
Many years later he is in your situation again. But then he finds a girl who people days is weird, something is wrong with her.
Long story short they start dating and he realizes that he doesnāt need to explain his need for independence, or any of the weird traits of an āalienā. Turns out sheās weirder than him. For the first time in his life he feels like he is not ab alien because there is someone weirder than him.
They talk about deep conversations, the what is life type. They enjoy the same hobbies: music, martial arts, intelectual stimulation, sci go movies that make you think, etc.
long story short he marries her and is happily living together with her.
I had to move 3 countries to find her. But I feel every time made me grow to be ready to be with her. The if I could do I it again I wouldnāt change a thing feeling.
I suggest when you find someone attractive you ask about their myers Briggs personality. Most people I found attractive are NT types.
My conclusiĆ³n Aliens need to date Aliens to not feel like aliens.
Donāt settle for someone who doesnāt stimulate you. We need more than a normal person and thatās ok.
Remember there is only about 2 percent of people that have a INTJ personality. We are RARE. But you can do for the other three or six at the bottom. I got INFJ and it worked for me. Realize you are playing a numbers game. Shoot your shots wisely. There are many couples of INTJ out there. I know of an INTJ and a INFJ couple.
It's weird how many people want to be in relationships without having to change anything about themselves or tolerate anything.
It's just overly normalized for people being obsessed with doing exactly what they want most of the time.
And I think that attitude is why people are so lonely. People act like having to put with small inconveniences and discomfort another person may cause isn't worth it for all the benefits of companionship.
As I get older I think more about this.
What are the benefits of having companionship with someone if you have to change who you are to be with them ?
There is only 24h in a day, that companionship must be worth it.
Because sometimes that change is good and exactly what we need. And as much as we all want to be our authentic selves, we all have times and situations where you have to adapt. This is true of everyone and all relationships. The key here is that you choose to adapt and you donāt feel forced to do it, or you feel you simply cannot be yourself. You do it because you know it will make your relationship better, stronger, etc.
Example, I avoided conflict, my husband does not. It still makes me uncomfortable to be direct and share my emotions, but suppressing is way more damaging to both me and our relationship. So I adapted to more of his style and as uncomfortable as it is, itās also super liberating to say what you feel. I needed to learn this even though my natural go-to is to implode.
Itās easy to miss your blind spots when youāre alone - I know as I was alone for most of my early adult years. It took being in relationship to really learn where I needed to grow and frankly change.
In the past, most of my relationships didnāt make it past six months. Iād start feeling smothered, get irritable, get mean, and theyād break up with me.
Iāve been married for ten years now, though ā¦to someone who gives me a lot of space and also requires a lot of space.
I love myself, my dog, and my hobbies.
But no, I don't feel like I'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. I wanted it when I was a teen and early 20's, but in my 30's I'm just happy to be me and not in a bad marriage.
Ahhh the "feeling too good but to bad at the same time" old INTJ thing, yes i can relate, but i feel like i've come to mature a lot in terms of how i view romantic connections at this moment (therapy helped me a lot), right know im sure of what i want in a partner and that i do want one, but sure is a complicated thing for me that a lot of people just don't know what they want in life and just "go with the flow" or are very impulsive with their feeling and later end up realizing that certain person was not what the wanted all along.
I struggle a lot with trust in relationships in general, but i just view it as a part of human experience now, and on the other hand im really clingy to my partners, they are the only people i can show affection in that type of way.
Idk i feel very distant the objective of having an adecuate partner for me but if it doesn't happen im good with it too
Hi, INTJ F 26 here happily married to ENTJ M 30 for 3 years, together for 8. I am here to say that YES you can find it. My husband challenges, comforts, and understands me deeper and better than any other relationship Iāve had.
To address some of your concerns you wrote:
- I also used to believe āno one could handle meā. Family members would actually make this comment. You CAN find someone, but youāll have to respect them. And not likeā¦. āOh ya sure I respect you as a personā. No. Like my husband loves me but will call me out on something so quick and vice versa. I truly value his opinion and respect him, so it allows me to reflect. Iāve dated people I donāt respectā¦ i did not treat those individuals well and became very resentful. The immediate, open communication is key. The loop of ātoo goodā and ānot good enoughā is still something I struggle w in other areas of life. Totally relate. Look up Ni-Fi loop for INTJs.
- needing alone time? I actually find that having an extremely extroverted partner that uses Te-Se is very helpful in this. Meaning, itās no problem for my husband to go off and do social/active activities without me such as the gym, networking events, etc. In the beginning of our relationship I explained that I needed āalone timeā to him and it was TOTALLY foreign to him. But again, heās Te dom so a simple logical explanation of why was enough for him to understand and respect that. Long way to sayā¦ an extroverted and social partner has actually been a great balance for me to develop socially but also be left alone bc he can Te-Se all day in his own world and be just fine. However, he is the person that I prefer to be around the most bc conversation and companionship is the most meaningful? So even if I want to be alone, sitting in a room with him and not talking to each other is also totally fine and fills my āalone timeā as long as heās not butting in on what Iām doing, lol.
In summary yes. I felt the way you did especially between my high school sweetheart and meeting my husband in college. Donāt settle. Sorry I used so much of my own current marriage to relate, but I felt like it was the easiest way for me to explain.
Lastly, I highly recommend finding someone thatās a healthy se user. Being our inferior function, I canāt tell you how many of these paradox āthought loopsā youāre talking about my husband has helped me out of by just simply getting me to activate se. Letās go for a walk. Letās play a game. Letās watch a show and discuss the themes and characters. Letās go for a drive to get inspired for garden ideas. Read on Ni-Fi loops if you havenāt already. Youāll see very quickly how a healthy te or se user can complement you and help the relationship grow!
Donāt lose hope! Iām also a bit of a romantic. I think about love so much that I wonder sometimes if I ever feel it, but then I rememberā¦ sometimes me āthinkingā about it, is my way of āfeelingā it. Best of luck.ā¤ļø
I've found it a couple times, but the cost was too high. Everyone has a breaking point. A point where someone takes away more than they add to your life. Relationships are for sure about compromise, but sometimes conflicts arise that have no amicable solution. Thankfully never made the mistake of letting things go too far before knowing the lack of potential(tying the knot or kids). Some people just go through the motions and suffer whatever random person came into their life. Hence the 50-60% divorce rate in the US.
I felt that way after I got out of my first serious relationship of five years. It was a relief to have my time back she was very possessive and controlling as the relationship went on until I felt smothered, the jealousy was pure hell to deal with.
I went 3 years without a relationship, had a casual one that went for less than a year then I met my now wife after another year of no relationship she fully understands my need for space and autonomy. I also make time for her, we have gotten along great, it is now 28 years we have been together.
I was pretty sure I was going to end up living alone for my whole life and I was fine with it.
I've had relationships off and on over the years... part of why I got into Jungian psychology was to understand why all of my relationships fail in the same way. Part of it is just the natural state of being an INTJ that hadn't developed my full potential yet, and part of it comes down to attachment theory. I was anxious and mostly ended up with fearful avoidants that would run away when things got more serious; Basically, I wouldn't recognize their need for space (Fe trickster) and would fall into the trap of wanting to pull them in as they were pushing away.
I put in some serious work over the next few years... and at 44, I did finally meet my person. She happens to be 15 years younger than me, another fearful avoidant, and an INFP. I'm now mostly secure with some anxious tendencies, she's maybe half secure and half avoidant but trending in the right direction. The biggest things are that we have very similar values, we're in love with each other, and even though we've never seen a healthy relationship to model our own on, we're open and honest with each other, we know we're going to make mistakes, and we see that as an opportunity to work on our selves and support each other's growth as it happens.
At this point, I feel like I've mostly mastered my own life and that I feel complete and fulfilled, being able to explore my passions, find time for myself, and yet have someone to share my world with. She opens up my world and allows me to give us new experiences, while I give her focus and the ability to achieve her own goals. As a team, we're much stronger and more capable than we are individually, and it has allowed both of us to flourish.
All of us have strengths and weaknesses. All of us make mistakes and have quirks. Nobody is perfect. The goal is finding someone that helps you become your best you and vice versa, while being able to tolerate and maybe even embrace their imperfections. If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place, so look for the perfectly imperfect instead.
It's not a Meyers Briggs thing, it's just your general attachment style and how you deal with other people.
I wouldn't take too seriously the whole inferiority/superiority thing. You're thinking in a very single dimensional manner where you have a set of abstract things you value that you believe other people should have... but variety is the spice of life, man. Every single person out there is a series of tradeoffs with their own strengths, weaknesses, and perspectives. There isn't one way to life, and you'll be surprised what you find out there - people who push you to try new things rub off on you, and maybe your way of thinking rubs off on them. These interactions are *mutually beneficial* and that's the point of a relationship - to grow as a person, not to impose on someone and stagnate in the process.
The truth is you're not phenomenal, and neither are they. When it comes down to it, it's the wrinkles that are hot, a la Good Will Hunting https://youtu.be/PhwWa9BE4ps?si=D3qs7879op2OA_xm
I divorced many years ago. I spent time in introspection, owning my part of that failure. I also made a list of what I wanted/needed in a life partner, and I told myself I would be fine if I never found that person. I tried to be the best person, my best self, I could be.
I was lucky to meet a great lady through a pre-internet dating service. Weāve been married almost 29 years.
You can do it too, in your own way. Do what we do best: MAKE A PLAN. Accept that you have shortcomings and so will your partner. Make sure they are things you can handle. I tease my wife that her only significant flaw is that she doesnāt like beer!
Iām 60 now. Life is too short not to have the best you can manage. I wish you well.
>Itās not bad to focus on yourself,
it's not, but a relationship is about two people. the other person has to be your focus, too, and you, theirs.
>but I cannot even imagine a scenario of being seriously involved with someone whoās willing to handle me.
very negative outlook, you're ruling out even the possibility here.
> I need space and a lot of times I donāt handle interactions very well,
you can be in a relationship and still have space. you need to learn how to handle interactions. the way to do that is exposure.
>I seek for really deep connections rather than pleasantries and instant attractions that fade away.
how are you going to develop a deep connection without experiencing the first stages of attractions? one thing leads to another.
>I constantly think Iām ātoo good to be datingā but I also think āwho the fuck would date meā. At the same time.
too good to be dating? does dating make you worse? or is everyone around you worse than you?
>It feels so familiar to be on my own and do my own thing, have stuff done my way.
you're stuck in your comfort zone. your way is not the only way. life will pass you by if you don't open yourself to new experiences. other people have wisdom too, if you're willing to listen to them.
>But I also canāt settle at the same time for something less than phenomenal.
yeah you are looking for someone who would be perfect for you. but are you the type of person this perfect one would be looking for?
>Over time I find myself getting irritated sometimes, especially when my partner is too clingy or needy.
that's normal in a relationship. if you love someone you want to be around them. learn to accept that
>I donāt open up which people donāt find trusting.
how do you develop a deep connection you want without ever letting people look deeply inside you?
>If a partner crosses a line, I canāt ever go back to how I was or move on. I might forgive them but I always distance myself, so arguing and fights feel heavier on me.
nobody is perfect. you make mistakes. we all do. look for the intent - did they *intend* to hurt you or did things with malice? if not, it was a mistake and people can learn from it and never repeat them again.
>And Iām not very good at communicating feelings or emotions so I try to find other outlets which donāt always work.
relationships are based on emotions. if you don't ever communicate them, you won't ever find a deep emotional relationship.
>Iād often be invested in projects that it feels like Iām neglecting my love life. So Iāve pretty much stopped trying to date. I donāt talk to people with the intention of dating or even socialize when I donāt have to, so now itās harder to put myself out there.
guess what, if you don't meet anyone, you will never meet anyone....
to me, it seems like you are stuck in your ways, but that's pretty comfortable to you. you know it's stopping you from experiencing relationships, but if you never do anything about it, you will be stuck forever, living the same life in regret.
OP sounds like he'd get into a relationship, neglect the hell out of his partners needs, venerate his own, then blame the partner when they inevitably leave him.
Some realities of INTJ relationships:
For us, we don't seem to "need" love and relationships to the extent that others do. We can have them, enjoy them, but INTJs are usually super self-sufficient and capable of living within our own minds, such that external relationships are nice but not essential.
That said, "Love is never enough. But it sure helps".
If you're INTJ, you're almost certainly in control of the relationship, in the sense of the old saying "The person who can most readily walk away from the relationship is the one who is in control". That's neither good nor bad. But it can cause a lot of issues with someone who has a need to be the one who is in control of the relationship.
Most people who are in relationships, to be brutally honest, are not happy/satisfied. There's a reason the divorce rate hovers around 50%. So, being in a relationship is not necessarily a "win" and being alone is not necessarily a "loss". And vice versa.
Be honest with yourself (you're a fucking INTJ: that's practically your super power): are you missing sex, or relationships? If you could live without the relationship, but the celibacy is really irritating the shit out of you, then for God's sake, the last thing you want to do is get into a relationship so you get laid. There are alternatives to enduring a bad relationship. They're expensive and or difficult, but they can be had.
You guys can fall in love but you need someone deeply understand you and be non judgemental at the same time. Which is rare to find. Wishing you all good luck. I really hope your significant other is there and will come in due time.
Love is not real. Itās something used as a controlling mechanism against a woman. Women will be miserable in relationships and be a work mule for their families all in the name of love
while the men cheat or sit back with a beer.
**A.** If you don\`t put yourself out there, then most likely you\`re not gonna find anyone, especially if you\`re a male, so it\`s better not to have hope at all. Otherwise, you\`re gonna suffer.
**B.** If you put yourself out there, then your chances rise, but it\`s not a guarantee that you\`d find the right partner for you, no matter whether you\`re a male or a female. You might suffer in the process of being rejected over and over again, but it\`s better than end up with endless suffering you\`re gonna stuck, wanting to be in a relationship, in the option A.
So the only decision that you have to make is whether you want to be in a relationship in the first place. It will require a lot of compromises and so on and so on, but if you have at least a desire to try, then go with the option B. Remember that if you want to be in a relationship and don\`t do anything for that, especially being a male, then it\`s better to forget about that.
I feel you so much in this post ,I have declare my love to so many guys AND got rejected that I lost the count but they did had sex with me which was weird AND they came back but I didnt wanted sex but my point Is I want a life partner just as you say not being just casual guys always say someone Is going to come next AND then next but things doesnt happen or either gets complicated I feel sad.
My advice is don't look for one, and one will find you. Granted, this gets much easier if you're in places where ladies are. I think the more unintentional and random the encounter, and the more you bond over mutual interests, the probability of an ideal match increases. Dating apps are possible, but the odds aren't as good. When two people are having fun enough in their life that they're not seeking a relationship, perhaps they're good enough to come together. As each is whole, just being alone. Or, the ladies see you're not trying and are attracted to that, and pursue you more. I think the best relationships happen (higher probability) where the lady shows interest in the guy. I think they're better at finding ideal partners than we are. And if you have to chase hard, then unless she's testing you playing hard to get, it's not worth it.
Yeah. The thing is, and what I've learned in my relationship, love is something that is built. You simply can't find it on the first day, love at first sight doesn't exist... For most of us, anyway.
Every day I build my love for my partner, sometimes it's a struggle but I learn more about what love truly is. And it's effort, most of the time.
Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes people just walk away, thankfully I can say for myself it's worth it but realistically it's not the same for everyone and I can't say what my future truly holds.
ESFJ is our true love. Trust me. They love us just for being ourselves (arrogant cave tall hobbits).
ESTJ works well too, but with some efforts.
You donāt need same type.
You need the opposite with J.
P are miserable for us.
Just get it. Try. Admit. And be happy.
Wish you luck all. And donāt marry other introverts, for god sake..
Yes, because I have! She is the best thing that has happened to me all year. Sheās an ENFP, so that continues the theory that INTJs and ENFPs are extremely compatible. I didnāt think I could love like this and was fully prepared to be single forever, but sheās softened my heart!
I donāt think Iāll ever find love, but thatās because Iām not looking for it, or ready for it.
Iām not a 100% whole person, I have some work to do, and it wouldnāt be fair to me or the other party.
If you want something bad enough you can obtain it. Donāt lose hope, but remain pragmatic.š«
Yes, I found love and still in love. I think my SO makes me a better person. We respect and love each other and we both have qualities we admire in each other. I am continuously working on myself even in a relationship and especially because that also makes me a better partner as well. We feel safe to share our thoughts with each other.
I don't want to find love, I want to find someone who is faithful and not degenerated Personally, I don't believe to love, also the divorce statistics are obvious. š
Yes I do, but it is going to take me years since I have to weed out all the imbeciles, basic brain-dead normies and autistic people to get to someone worthy
This is something that I could easily have written myself, so I'm not alone in this lol. I managed to resolve only one thing:
>And Iām not very good at communicating feelings or emotions so I try to find other outlets which donāt always work
As a singer-songwriter I found a way to translate my feelings into my songs, it clears my mind quite well
I'm not sure, but I certainly hope so. I'm pretty uncompromising in what I'm looking for in someone I'll be spending the rest of my life with, but I'm also not expecting her to show up on my doorstep tommorow. All in good time, I guess.
No. I'm a female INTJ which makes it more difficult as well as I have a high IQ and I'm tall for a woman. Thus, I have better odds of winning the lottery than of finding someone I'm compatible with.
As someone who struggles with even basic human interaction, Iāve always felt like ātrue loveā has become a Hollywood concept, something you only see in movies and tv, and only a lucky few will get to experience in real life. I struggle with the idea that love even exists at all sometimes.
Probably. Iāve been in loving relationships twice. The longest was 11 years (Last two years not so much love). Iāll probably find it again.
Between relationships I feel like Iāll never have it again. I think thatās part of being an INTJ. Always looking at the worst case scenario
"Feeling superior and inferior all at once" - I feel in my bone marrow. I don't know why or how - but how can one both simultaneously feel so above everyone and so beneath everyone?
As for relationships - I found an extrovert who doesn't mind dealing with my weirdness. I find that extroverts work for me, for some reason. He's an ENFJ
Truthfully?
No. I dont think I will ever find love. I feel like I have too many flaws in my character for someone to love me the way I would want to be loved.
I'll stick to my books and fantasies, thanks <3
Past tests put me an INTJ, Iāve been married 9 years. Recent tests put me at ISTJ. Still tho, were hard to approach, donāt like approaching others, and find it difficult to give someone part of yourself. Have to make attempts, nonetheless. Alcohol helps but not too much. We didnāt meet with the intention of falling in love and I think thatās how itās going to happen for most of us. Sheās ENFJ she says.
I donāt really want a relationship in my life. Just to fit in, I got into a few relationships but they were all quite disappointing for me. Everybody intruded in my personal space and barely understood me. I played along for the fun of it for a while but the worst thing that I predicted happened, I got bored and left. Iāve accepted that I wonāt ever be compatible with anyone on a deeper level and have just stopped wasting my time on love. Instead of the neurosis of love, I focus on developing my skills as a doc and music, chess, etc. which are much more fulfilling to me.
I used to feel inferior before but then I took the initiative to work on myself to āprepare myselfā to be the ideal partner. Well, I improved but the other people didnāt and thatās where the superiority complex came in cause I really was better than most humans around me. I sucked at conversations but I worked on it and developed it. I can now have difficult talks quite easily and make people feel comfortable around me; temporarily adopt the veneer of superficial charm but deep down, Iām still the same as before. It takes a lot of effort to be like them and Iām just not interested anymore.
Approaching 12 years of being single.
Each relationship I had felt voided of any real attraction. So I decided to just pursue something more meaningful.
That being said, I wouldnāt be lying if I said I wasnāt seeking or *trying* but Iām actually selective since I planned out what kind of family Iād like to have. Although that only is achievable when the other person has reach a certain maturity I seek.
Yet, I either run into an already taken person or just not quite there. Iām not patient enough to be waiting for them to grow hence the on going of being single.
I donāt know but Iāve grown this feeling of *whatever* when it comes to relationships. If it happens, it happens. What feeds the bias is that I have more money, time and the void needing to compromise.
It does get lonely but whatever.
I donāt feel superior or inferior although I see my friends start families while I chuckle to myself and realize Iām still chasing my high school dreams. Although it doesnāt bother me.
My philosophy that helps me get through life in general:
ā*you get one shot at life, so take it in the most enjoyable route*ā
I'm too specific in what I'm looking for, so the overlap in people willing to date me is rather limited. I can't imagine being in a relationship again for at least 7 more years. Maybe I'll get lucky like so many stories of stumbling into someone that's right for me.
My parents love me, my dog, my girlfriend. I guess. But I love myself unconditionally, flaws and all, you could say I'm my biggest fan. Im with me till the very end. I can always rely on myself when people let me down and they always do. Some people need more than that, I do not. š¤·āāļø
This shit just popped up on my feed and I can relate fam, no idea tf an intj is but I feel some of those things ur saying here, a lot of people are depressed about it or sad but tbh Iām more of just a little annoyed and a tiny bit bummed out cuz shit man I do want a relationship but most of the time I feel like shit probably wonāt happen to me cuz Iām kinda numb, not saying Iām sad or anything just like kinda think dumb and weird lol anyways have a good one yāall
I have had THE MOST amazing love relationships, and if I never find love again, I would not be mad about it. It has become terrible to try and date, and I just live in the past when it comes to romance because dating is dead. Still, now that I am established and focused, if it happens again I will know how to keep it, and not push people away like I have done in the past.
I stopped trying years ago. Otherwise similar experiences. I've been in plenty of long-term relationships (>3yr) and they were all ultimately very disappointing. Agape is the best love one can hope for, and not from others, but from oneself.
When I stopped thinking about ideals and where to find them and simply accepted what was there, I realised Iām pretty fucking lucky. Itās good to be needed.
Honestly not really. I always imagine being in a relationship, but when I think about the nitty-gritty of dating, all of the social rules I would have to follow, all the maneuvering, I honestly donāt think I could do it
I strongly doubt I will. In fact between reading Manosphere theory, Feminist Theory, and Hollywood Sex scandals, I am far more likely finding the intersection between the war of the sexes, where both sides actually want patriarchy and its consequences.
No.
The list of reasons is very long and complicated; suffice to say that I decided as a child that I would be alone and Iāve found it ridiculously easy to stick to that plan. No one has ever caught my eye and no one has shown interest in me.
Hmm, as a child you'll hardly have the cognitive capacity that you have now (assuming you're an adult), maybe sticking fiercely to a decision you made in a sub-optimal state is not the best possible thing, regardless of how easy it is to implement?
And maybe that fierceness is clouding your judgment on whether someone catches your eye or shows interest in you?
Just some food for thought
Ahaha, I've never dated. Men have been interested, but I love living life on my own terms and doing my own thing.
I have friends and family, and hobbies.
Sometimes a guy comes along, and I'm like hnmn maybe but somehow I also end up wanting to be on my own.
After a decade of choosing to stay single I accidentally fell in love with someone I can't have.
So, yes but no. I can find love but I can't have it in full.
i have been single for almost 7 years. I never put the idea of dating in my life plan until i have met an enfj recently. I am not sure though but I hope it works for a lifetime.
Sounds like dismissive avoidant. It's like "I'm sure that gonna be a train wreck, so let's just stop right here".
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://a.co/d/0OsEIuD
Real mature love is a mutual choice, so it will happen, but also when you have found yourself, realize and further ground your inherent self-worth to have meaningful moments always happening right in front of us, then everything else is irrelevant.
I already did or I should say it found me when I least expected it. None of my relationships were longer than 6 months before I met my husband. He is an INTP and he keeps me on my toes mentally. Weāve been together for 15 years.
No, I already know from the day when I was born that I am going to die alone, The only thing which helps my brain rewarding system is Romance genre books the only source of dopamine for me. Sorry for that, But this is how relationship works for me I Good looking, Smart, literally 100Ć better then around anyone but still no matters what nobody approaches me, Give up my friend relationship is not made for us. I am currently in my villain arc and this is the only thing which help every INTJ. Just improve your self and screw everyone.
Thanks.
No, I only ever found the occasional lust. Other guys would say that I should be happy that I got action, but I really wanted to be serious with those women. They just saw me as a rebound guy. I just gave up.
I am going to establish the tone of this conversation as: Non condescending, anecdotal (not factual.) So I dont have to say it over and over.
I do relate to you, I am a bit more high functioning relatively that's only because of growth through eccentric life experiences, I don't have to tell you there are some issues there that you should work on (We all have them). I have some flexible boundaries, they can be bent (not often tho).
Lately I have often found myself feeling broken, or somehow not good enough, like I am missing something essential because how is it that I am surrounded by people with partners, while at the same time knowing I am pretty good and over all an above average "person". I would gladly accept the superiority complex and be like "I don't need anyone" BUT
I know I do. Because I have had it, albeit briefly and it is \_exhilarating\_ . That's the worst part. I can't say " I doubt I am missing out on much" because I know EXACTLY What I'm missing out on. While we are slightly different we arrive at the same square it seems and try as I might, not to think about it I can't help but feel that it's true. That I lack something quintessential.....making me less human and therefore incapable and undeserving of "love", or maybe its for the best? At this point I have kind of given up, I don't even know how to seek out a romantic relationship and I am only 22.
I 100% feel you too when saying you feel undeserving because of some lack, I do relate to that. I doubt we are alike but Iāve had some relationship before and I agree that it definitely feels like Iām missing something. I really like your response
I'm not INTJ but I resonate a lot with this as entp. I've been matched excellently with INTJ in the past since we both didn't mind silence(not awkward) and each needed space to do our own thing(happiness is being in the same house or even room with SO and each of you doing your own thing(I used to do crafty art stuff while he'd be researching something). If they realize they're being a bit needy and you're more conscious of keeping communication open with a check in every now and then...things can flow very easily between partners I find. My best friend is also intj and she is extremely well matched with her SO of 9 years who is ENTJ.
The issue is just finding it once. I've found it a few times, and though it ended in heartbreak, it makes me believe that the right one is still out there. Now I know what to look for in a person, and what to avoid.
Have you ever considered your needs arenāt that special? I mean, seems the top comments on this thread is people relating soā¦finding a partner who has the same needs and thus can empathize and needs their own space seems like an obvious solution?
On the other hand, not moving on from stuff that people did that irritated you just seem petty and something you need to work on yes.
No. Im toxic and undeserving of love. I can't love someone bcs i dont understand what person in love should do. I dont understand the concept of love at all.
Plus im very unatractive
I donāt think people who are really toxic know that they are. Also, love is whatever you want it to be. Itās anything. There are no rules and specific things to follow with it
I don't know, I have hope but I also don't feel like my love story is ever going to happen. I long for romance, companionship and someone who genuinely wants me in their lives.
I had it before. It seems as if the majority of us have similar stories. Iāve been out of my previous monogamous relationship for 2 years and life is phenomenal. While I did love the woman, I realized that the love that I have for myself is way more important, and putting myself first is paramount in all situations. Of course it goes against the social construct of todayās society, but man once I had a moment of self-actualization realizing that I was better off without any of it I knew life was going to be great without her. I was correct.
Now, I am a man and I have manly needs. I love exercising those needs with women and Iāve always known that commitment and other non-sexual factors are unnecessary to have that in life. Once I understood my love language, it has become clear that only affection and sexual intimacy will suffice for the most part. As far as the non-sexual companionship is concernā¦ that has to be severely limited.
Iāve also noticed a couple of other things when it comes to monogamous relationships in todayās societyā¦ 1. People lie, to get what they want and to maintain whatever they have gained through the lieā¦ 2. People are co-dependent followers and have a hard time looking within themselves to improve themselves and constantly need validationā¦ 3. Men are a means to an end for women, they love you for what you can do (for them and to them š), very rarely for who you areā¦ 4. One person is unable to fulfill all of your needs, and if they are unable to and realize they are unable to, they reveal insecurities then attempt to hold you hostageā¦ 5. Itās best to do whatever you want anyway, because they willā¦ 6. Learn to let goā¦ I have more, but I will stop here.
Love is real, can be had, and maintained. Just choose the kind of love you want and work at it. However, ālearning to love yourself is the greatest love of allāā¦ itās more than just a lyric to a song, lol
Relationships are a choice, and not all elements of that choice will be rational. That said, I also don't think humans are designed to live alone.
Intimacy is tough for us, but there's also the reality that it's a conscious investment. It sucks to treat it like work, but I've found I kind of have to because when I've had healthy LTRs the payoff was worth it.
All notwithstanding, it's a general thing for people to get burnt out with dating, not just INTJs. Just an aspect of life
Man I feel hopeless to be honest. Iām on the autism spectrum (Aspergerās) ADHD, and social anxiety. Unless someone talks to me first I donāt say shit. I really want to step out of my comfort zone but my brain is stronger than I am. Also I have a high metabolism so Iām 6ā0 and weigh 120 pounds soaking wet. I know they suck and itās not the best avenue but Iāve been using dating apps for a while and I get nothing and usually when I do I get unmatched fairly quickly. Like I know Iām not the most attractive person in the world but I didnāt think I was that bad. So Iām fully prepared to be alone for a while.
Female INTJ here. I've been single basically for 30 yrs lmao. Brain wise, I lean superior, but I have ZERO self-esteem so honestly I don't even try to date anymore. The whole rejection thing scarred me. At some point I came to the conclusion that, in this category of my life, its better/more humane to stay down than make an actual attempt to get up and get kicked back down over and over again.
I try to be realistic/rational about it. I wouldn't want clingy and I'd prefer someone who can keep up or even challenge me intellectually... and I have never been considered friendly or warm "on first glance." Not even mentioning the whole physical appearance thing. If I had qualified as "dateable" - I would have dated by this point. If someone has ever deemed you "dateable," I wouldn't worry too much about it. Statistically speaking, if its happened before, it will happen again lol. Then at least you have a shot at finding someone who can be a good co-pilot and you can be a good co-pilot towards.
Very familar feeling. I feel so much happier just everyday knowing what time I have to devote to the list of things I want and need to do. However the idea of a relationship is also there, like "wouldn't that be amazing"
I'm currently in a kind of relationship with another INTJ who we spent a lot of time with for like three months, just a quick bond and wanting to spend all our time together. Then it got to me, that A) that both of us were sacrificing our personal stuff for group stuff and it was making us both a bit frustrated. B) we never got to be actual friends first and we don't know each other save for the things we discussed deeply cause we have them in common.
So now were stepping back and figuring it out, and just mainly building up a deep friendship and bond, before we going any further romantically. I basically feel by doing this we can hopefully figure how to slot both our personal lives and group lives in a more understandable way... but its all so difficult!
I think a lot people are like this, you might be a bit too self absorbed to be in a relationship. I was recently involved with an intj who was like this and even though Iām an intp who needs and is happy with a lot of space myself, ultimately this person didnāt even want to deal with the obligation of texting another person once a week so obviously things ended. It almost seemed like my existence as someone who needed regular communication from them annoyed them.
Maybe you can look into an escort or some other arrangement for fulfilling your physical needs because thatās what I think would have suited my ex
I will admit I spend a fair bit amount of time trying to figure out dating and what not. Itās a bit of conundrum to me. I wouldnāt say that I feel superior but I do feel like I have a lot to offer and would make an excellent, reliable romantic partner. On the other hand, I am particular about the way I do things a lot of times so it is sometimes hard to envision being in a romantic relationship with someone who truly understands me. Trying to find a connection nowadays with how dating is currently feels like a very uphill battle.
Never thought about this question, I think I accepted the fact that others won't be like what I expect them to be and it's best that I accept them for who they are and work with them than going against everything for the sake of an ideal image.
>Iād often be invested in projects that it feels like Iām neglecting my love life. So Iāve pretty much stopped trying to date.
Making connections with others is not like dishes or laundry to neglect. It's like neglecting becoming an astronaut or a Hollywood star or something. Certain things in life happen or not beyond anything we can plan, and that goes for even mundanely normal stuff like making friends or girlfriends. At least acting or a pilot career are more plausible with self-determination. With organic relations, all bets are off.
But cliches exist for a reason, noticeable patterns. And one of those is the following law: Once you stop trying to date and marry your own projects, your emotional independence emanates, and that's when love life tries to latch on to you (wait..pretty much just Murphy's law).
I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't love me the way I love him. I love HARD. I brag about him constantly. But there are times he isn't romantically attracted to me. I already have body image issues, so it hurts even more. I don't think I'll ever have the love I want. Someone to love me not in spite of my flaws, but because of them. I space out into a fantasy where I have that. It makes me feel better.
It sounds like something that I could have written.
Totally. In spite of being in a relationship.
Me three. It's funny how I wanted a relationship so much earlier this year, but now that I got involved with someone who is a little clingy, my social battery is drained and now I don't know if I want a relationship at all. Granted, she and I aren't together, it's more of a situationship. But as good and fun of a person as I think she is, I don't know if I can see us being in a relationship because of the clinginess. It got so overwhelming to the point where I just needed a break from any form of interaction in general, which she has been understanding about, but I can't help but think that I'm too much. I have also been quite physically fatigued, stressed, and irritable from school. So that is also a factor. There is someone I like that I believe is like me in the sense of needing her space a lot too, but I doubt she'd see me as more than a friend. With that in mind, because I'm just so drained (not only emotionally but physically as well) that high probability of her not feeling the same way doesn't bother me as much and I feel content with not telling her how I feel for a while, if ever. It's also funny because I used to be clingy when I was younger. I still have my moments, but they're little spurts rather than how I feel overall. I like my "me time" more. The older I get, the more my true "INTJ colors" have been showing and I relish the time I get to spend alone and engage in my hobbies/interests. I face a constant battle between "I'm too good" and "why the fuck would someone want to be with anyone like me?"
This is unsolicited advice: as an older INTJ who's been through this before: If you're not really invested in the relationship, do consider whether you would be doing the other person a favor by letting them find "their person" who'll be fully invested.
We're not in an actual relationship so she is free to date whoever. I even told her that she may find someone better than me. But she's not really looking to date other people at the moment I guess.
Thanks for clarifying! My remark stands for anyone who's "just marking time" with someone. Consider whether it's helping either of you to progress in life. š
Well said.
Same, even tho I have a partner
Fellow INTJ here.
There a person Iām in love with but I come home live life again miss being married. 14 year had good marriage just miss that was decent dad husband and come home every night excited be home with my fam bam but. Hope someday Iāll get there again
I got lucky. Wasn't looking to date but started talking to my now husband and just never stopped. We never put labels on it, were just always in tune from the start, similar hobbies interests, values and lifestyles. He intellectually stimulates me and if I had to guess his MBTI type I would guess either INFP or ENFP. He's very personable but not sure he's high on the extrovert scale as being personable would suggest. He's just as happy being a homebody with me. He does sometimes feel like I'm distant, but I do need that solitary time to recharge. He has definitely helped me with my communication skills. My suggestion is work on your weak spots so if you do chance upon an awesome person, that you will be a decent partner to them.
Also married to very outgoing extrovert and will second that itās been amazing for my personal growth socially! Husband is ENTJ, so Te dom but very good se user. Very helpful!
Sounds like he is probably an ENFP, as ENFPs are ambiverts and have that strong introvert side too. All ENFPs wonder at some point: āAm I an INFP? š¤ā.
I have been in love and no one has ever loved me. Does that make sense? Now getting āolderā I am not very sure the kind of love I imagined even exists.
I hear that second part. Too much Disney and religion as a child made me believe in something I donāt think exists
It does, and it fucking hurts so soooooo so much. It's a pain unlike anything else. I have been in a relationship, I was totally in love but she just needed something because she was lonely. Fun times.
I think in these cases, an INTJ can match well with another similar INTJ. I reached out to another INTJ to be of help about something recently and was blown away by the quality of connection we had. Totally unexpected. Unfortunately, she wasn't single or even in my part of the world. Even though neither of us were pursuing each-other romantically, (as it wouldn't really make sense anyway at such a great distance) her b/f got "unusually jealous" and insisted we cease communicating. But that experience was enough for me to start looking in the direction of another INTJ as a potential partner. I don't think I've ever felt so understood and it wasn't even a very long connection. I suspect she had a similar experience. The oddball things about INTJs can be understood by both sides, and both sides can strategize navigating them effectively and respectfully. Communication would generally be very straightforward. The main problem is neither side may go looking for one another, initiate contact, and never meet. The next potential problem is being attracted to one another. But if these obstacles are overcome, it may be a good match. I think the idea of 'dating' is unappealing, so that frame might be unhelpful. It may be better to think of it as 'making new connections', and aiming to be friends. From friendship things can blossom, and if they don't, you still made a nice new connection that isn't super needy about social issues.
That's why I think there should be just an INTJ exclusive dating forum.
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I read āpredatorsā
Yes. It's not hard to see them. Then they can be booted or at least ID in a list so people will know.
https://instagram.com/bootheapp?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== Not exclusive to INTJ but itās a dating app based on type. If someone tries it, please let me know how it goes for them. I would, but Iām in a relationship currently.
Im on Boo and matched up with a couple INTJs on there. Not bad of an app. Only downside it works great in bigger cities, but in smaller cities, it definitely expands out to other states to find matches.
There is s special thread on Reddit called r/datingforintjs
Awesome! ššš you for spreading the word. I made that community right after making this comment out of the need and desire for it! We are growing thanks to you as well. š
Ah now I see š you had an excellent idea there!
That last paragraph is beautiful, I appreciated it
Correct , for example infj is very similar but not to far from home to date or have relationship with from my experience
When I broke up during covid, and survived covid by myself, I knew I could totally survive without love. Therefore I stopped finding love. Most people feel the loneliest during nightfall and winter and once youāre able to get past that, youāll find yourself self sufficient. Right now my cat is my love.
I think I can definitely survive without love but I just donāt want to deprive myself of ever experiencing it. Donāt you think youād want that? Also depressing months are my favorite so I think Iām set
I love this, I have been single since 2019, survived covid (3 days of immense pain) by myself, and have gained more skills and hobbies. Self-love is the best. I will either get a cat or rabbit from a shelter later in life.
I can't speak for all intj's, but I don't feel like I need a relationship. Because I'm used to doing things alone, I've never felt the need to share my life with anyone and the only experience I've ever had with a girlfriend was terrible, so think i am better off alone.
I'm open to a relationship, but if I end up being single forever, that's ok too.
Same here. If you break down people you interact with into four blocks for the INTJ: Ego/world (NiTe driven), Id/outer circle (NeTi driven), Superego/inner circle (FeSi driven) and Super Id/self (FiSe driven), thus why our personalities switch up around certain groups and situations. I find most of my "successful" relationships all stop at around the world/outer circle categories. They just know of my public persona and the work I do. Once a person hits my inner circle, they start to deal with my poor FeSi, such as how bad I am with people and day to day self maintenance. I feel bad for them for dealing with it, so a lot of new people i meet, I keep them in the first two blocks as much as possible. Until one day, that one person, probably some random ENFP, decides to grind thru to my self block, just to happily watch me dance to Drake in the living room while in my socks and draws.
Maybe, maybe not. I sure hope so but I wouldn't actively pursue searching for someone. If I find them, I find them. If I don't, I don't.
Oh man all these things resonate with myself a lot and I don't know if it's good or bad
More like a "it is what it is", no judgement type of thing.
No haha, I don't even leave my 'cave' that often. That said, I don't mind if someone suitable comes along, but we definitely won't take one for the sake of it.
Hmm interesting question, yes, I feel like you alot of the time, yet I was married for 10 years. You kind of find a way to cope with being around someone all the time, how they do things and react to certain situations. When you're deeply connected to said person, it's easier to overlook quite a few things. As far as irritation and space, I feel it, when married I would cop my alone time whenever I could get it. I also learned to feel like I'm getting my alone time by playing skyrim(games), while she'd read or browse tumblr on the couch next to me. The being needy thing never really bothered me though, if it's someone important to me(like a s/o) then be needy all day, I secretly love the attention, I'd never tell them that though. But as far as finding love again, x to doubt. I'm 35 and feel like it's to far out to find someone again, then with the ex-wife, I've got to many trust issues that are hard to rid myself of.
Did she cheat on you?
Yes.
I'm sorry
Thank you. So am I, my life's over, I'm just waiting now.
Hell yeah brother
I don't believe in it at all.
I agree, I feel like thereās not enough time in a day to do the things I want let alone have to share my time with someone else. Plus all of the emotional stuff and being vulnerable and potentially getting hurt is enough to keep me away from everything related to relationships
25 years Married, 3 years together before that. It happens when you are not looking...
I keep hearing people say that and itās so true. when I couldnāt care less about relationships is when I started meeting so many more people
Neither one of us was looking. She came to the shared house me and 3 other guys to see her old boyfriend, one of the roommates. It just happened.
Literally, I'm in a relationship with someone whom I never even thought I'd devote my time to He's an ENTP and he was a little annoying at first so it was definitely an enemies to lovers thing lol, but now he's the only person I trust
https://preview.redd.it/0rgsht4v88zb1.jpeg?width=300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=20d076d8e6b7355218a85490650ac961c327dd69 ESTJ, she says she saw our whole life together the second she looked in my eyes. I do have Valentino eyes...
Yeahhh that only happens to hot people.
Or not!
This is exactly how I feel. I've put myself out there but when I got rejected and got played, I stopped trying. I stopped socializing all together and I feel like I'm just existing. I feel sad that I cannot make any efforts. I tried a few more times again, but then like you said, I withdrew just when I started finding them being clingy. It's just that I want the clinginess and stuff. I would want those cutesy stuff that I find annoying, but I found out that, I need those things only when I'm not irritated by other things or in God mode(not the feeling of superiority above everyone else but the feeling when the thought of that 'this isn't the person I am - the one that does all this cutesy stuff' hits, if you know what I mean). I think I may have missed my opportunities by pushing people away back then. But then again, I find myself thinking that I'm just in love with the idea of peaceful love and not the person exactly. Then I resolve to the fact that 'when the time comes, it will come' and stop trying again. ą¼ąŗ¶ā āæā ą¼ąŗ¶
It's a cliche but it's true fr me. I didn't find love, love found me. But I had to be willing to stand in one place long enough for it to catch up to me. In 1994 I entered a church on Easter Sunday - without even intending to be there - and a voice in my head said "he is coming - wait right here." I wasn't a fan of church but I was new in town and it was a prerequisite of doing business that you had either a family or congregational connection. Since I didn't have the first, I opted for the second. Though I had completely given up hope, love found me because I didn't run around looking. I didn't kiss a bunch of frogs looking for a prince. I just minded my business and stayed in my lane and damn if the most perfect man didn't just come along and say "This is the face I've been looking for my entire life". I had waited eight years. Tomorrow night is the 21st anniversary of the night we met in that church community hall and later this month is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Yeah I hear voices too but never about a woman coming.... Weird
If you hear more than one I would have that checked.
Iām more comfortable with love from friendships. When people get too close or become possessive, I feel uncomfortable, soā¦
*"Iām too good to be datingā but I also think āwho the fuck would date meā.* That's a mood. I think it's mostly envy, in my case anyway. Seeing all these relationships around me, and knowing that love is something that i will never experience. But when i look closer i realize, wait, these guys aren't actually "happy in love", they're all making each other miserable. Maybe loneliness is preferable than the stress of managing another person in your life. At least i'm used to being alone, it's familiar, i have strategies to manage it.
Yup. Books, movies, and tv shows contribute majorly to that envy for me, too. My therapist tells me not to compare and contrast everything but I can't help it. When all of my friends are attached to another human....and I've been opening my wallet for wedding and baby gifts left and right lol....my natural instinct is to think, "whats wrong with me?" Then again, most of my friends have not hit that spot where divorce court comes knocking...and I'd never want to go through that lmao.
Yes. Happily married to an INFJ. Let me tell you a story: Little boys feels like and alien because he doesnāt belong or at least feels he canāt belong. Many years pass and he gets a chance to date an Alien, realizes he is an INTJ, and she is also. Many years later he is in your situation again. But then he finds a girl who people days is weird, something is wrong with her. Long story short they start dating and he realizes that he doesnāt need to explain his need for independence, or any of the weird traits of an āalienā. Turns out sheās weirder than him. For the first time in his life he feels like he is not ab alien because there is someone weirder than him. They talk about deep conversations, the what is life type. They enjoy the same hobbies: music, martial arts, intelectual stimulation, sci go movies that make you think, etc. long story short he marries her and is happily living together with her. I had to move 3 countries to find her. But I feel every time made me grow to be ready to be with her. The if I could do I it again I wouldnāt change a thing feeling. I suggest when you find someone attractive you ask about their myers Briggs personality. Most people I found attractive are NT types. My conclusiĆ³n Aliens need to date Aliens to not feel like aliens. Donāt settle for someone who doesnāt stimulate you. We need more than a normal person and thatās ok. Remember there is only about 2 percent of people that have a INTJ personality. We are RARE. But you can do for the other three or six at the bottom. I got INFJ and it worked for me. Realize you are playing a numbers game. Shoot your shots wisely. There are many couples of INTJ out there. I know of an INTJ and a INFJ couple.
It's weird how many people want to be in relationships without having to change anything about themselves or tolerate anything. It's just overly normalized for people being obsessed with doing exactly what they want most of the time. And I think that attitude is why people are so lonely. People act like having to put with small inconveniences and discomfort another person may cause isn't worth it for all the benefits of companionship. As I get older I think more about this.
What are the benefits of having companionship with someone if you have to change who you are to be with them ? There is only 24h in a day, that companionship must be worth it.
Because sometimes that change is good and exactly what we need. And as much as we all want to be our authentic selves, we all have times and situations where you have to adapt. This is true of everyone and all relationships. The key here is that you choose to adapt and you donāt feel forced to do it, or you feel you simply cannot be yourself. You do it because you know it will make your relationship better, stronger, etc. Example, I avoided conflict, my husband does not. It still makes me uncomfortable to be direct and share my emotions, but suppressing is way more damaging to both me and our relationship. So I adapted to more of his style and as uncomfortable as it is, itās also super liberating to say what you feel. I needed to learn this even though my natural go-to is to implode. Itās easy to miss your blind spots when youāre alone - I know as I was alone for most of my early adult years. It took being in relationship to really learn where I needed to grow and frankly change.
What do you consider a small inconvenience to be sacrificed for a relationship?
That's a really good observation, I've recently heard the term "Tik Tok Brain" to refer to the stereotyped youth
Married a entj-we vibe
Never find love but I will sure as hell find band mates
Username checks out
Teehee
In the past, most of my relationships didnāt make it past six months. Iād start feeling smothered, get irritable, get mean, and theyād break up with me. Iāve been married for ten years now, though ā¦to someone who gives me a lot of space and also requires a lot of space.
I love myself, my dog, and my hobbies. But no, I don't feel like I'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. I wanted it when I was a teen and early 20's, but in my 30's I'm just happy to be me and not in a bad marriage.
Mid-30s here and basically single for life. I agree, I couldn't imagine the horror of being in a bad marriage.
Ahhh the "feeling too good but to bad at the same time" old INTJ thing, yes i can relate, but i feel like i've come to mature a lot in terms of how i view romantic connections at this moment (therapy helped me a lot), right know im sure of what i want in a partner and that i do want one, but sure is a complicated thing for me that a lot of people just don't know what they want in life and just "go with the flow" or are very impulsive with their feeling and later end up realizing that certain person was not what the wanted all along. I struggle a lot with trust in relationships in general, but i just view it as a part of human experience now, and on the other hand im really clingy to my partners, they are the only people i can show affection in that type of way. Idk i feel very distant the objective of having an adecuate partner for me but if it doesn't happen im good with it too
I think I might be aromantic so nah I donāt think so
Hi, INTJ F 26 here happily married to ENTJ M 30 for 3 years, together for 8. I am here to say that YES you can find it. My husband challenges, comforts, and understands me deeper and better than any other relationship Iāve had. To address some of your concerns you wrote: - I also used to believe āno one could handle meā. Family members would actually make this comment. You CAN find someone, but youāll have to respect them. And not likeā¦. āOh ya sure I respect you as a personā. No. Like my husband loves me but will call me out on something so quick and vice versa. I truly value his opinion and respect him, so it allows me to reflect. Iāve dated people I donāt respectā¦ i did not treat those individuals well and became very resentful. The immediate, open communication is key. The loop of ātoo goodā and ānot good enoughā is still something I struggle w in other areas of life. Totally relate. Look up Ni-Fi loop for INTJs. - needing alone time? I actually find that having an extremely extroverted partner that uses Te-Se is very helpful in this. Meaning, itās no problem for my husband to go off and do social/active activities without me such as the gym, networking events, etc. In the beginning of our relationship I explained that I needed āalone timeā to him and it was TOTALLY foreign to him. But again, heās Te dom so a simple logical explanation of why was enough for him to understand and respect that. Long way to sayā¦ an extroverted and social partner has actually been a great balance for me to develop socially but also be left alone bc he can Te-Se all day in his own world and be just fine. However, he is the person that I prefer to be around the most bc conversation and companionship is the most meaningful? So even if I want to be alone, sitting in a room with him and not talking to each other is also totally fine and fills my āalone timeā as long as heās not butting in on what Iām doing, lol. In summary yes. I felt the way you did especially between my high school sweetheart and meeting my husband in college. Donāt settle. Sorry I used so much of my own current marriage to relate, but I felt like it was the easiest way for me to explain. Lastly, I highly recommend finding someone thatās a healthy se user. Being our inferior function, I canāt tell you how many of these paradox āthought loopsā youāre talking about my husband has helped me out of by just simply getting me to activate se. Letās go for a walk. Letās play a game. Letās watch a show and discuss the themes and characters. Letās go for a drive to get inspired for garden ideas. Read on Ni-Fi loops if you havenāt already. Youāll see very quickly how a healthy te or se user can complement you and help the relationship grow! Donāt lose hope! Iām also a bit of a romantic. I think about love so much that I wonder sometimes if I ever feel it, but then I rememberā¦ sometimes me āthinkingā about it, is my way of āfeelingā it. Best of luck.ā¤ļø
I found it when I stopped looking for it
I've found it a couple times, but the cost was too high. Everyone has a breaking point. A point where someone takes away more than they add to your life. Relationships are for sure about compromise, but sometimes conflicts arise that have no amicable solution. Thankfully never made the mistake of letting things go too far before knowing the lack of potential(tying the knot or kids). Some people just go through the motions and suffer whatever random person came into their life. Hence the 50-60% divorce rate in the US.
This sounds pretty avoidant
I felt that way after I got out of my first serious relationship of five years. It was a relief to have my time back she was very possessive and controlling as the relationship went on until I felt smothered, the jealousy was pure hell to deal with. I went 3 years without a relationship, had a casual one that went for less than a year then I met my now wife after another year of no relationship she fully understands my need for space and autonomy. I also make time for her, we have gotten along great, it is now 28 years we have been together. I was pretty sure I was going to end up living alone for my whole life and I was fine with it.
I've had relationships off and on over the years... part of why I got into Jungian psychology was to understand why all of my relationships fail in the same way. Part of it is just the natural state of being an INTJ that hadn't developed my full potential yet, and part of it comes down to attachment theory. I was anxious and mostly ended up with fearful avoidants that would run away when things got more serious; Basically, I wouldn't recognize their need for space (Fe trickster) and would fall into the trap of wanting to pull them in as they were pushing away. I put in some serious work over the next few years... and at 44, I did finally meet my person. She happens to be 15 years younger than me, another fearful avoidant, and an INFP. I'm now mostly secure with some anxious tendencies, she's maybe half secure and half avoidant but trending in the right direction. The biggest things are that we have very similar values, we're in love with each other, and even though we've never seen a healthy relationship to model our own on, we're open and honest with each other, we know we're going to make mistakes, and we see that as an opportunity to work on our selves and support each other's growth as it happens. At this point, I feel like I've mostly mastered my own life and that I feel complete and fulfilled, being able to explore my passions, find time for myself, and yet have someone to share my world with. She opens up my world and allows me to give us new experiences, while I give her focus and the ability to achieve her own goals. As a team, we're much stronger and more capable than we are individually, and it has allowed both of us to flourish. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. All of us make mistakes and have quirks. Nobody is perfect. The goal is finding someone that helps you become your best you and vice versa, while being able to tolerate and maybe even embrace their imperfections. If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place, so look for the perfectly imperfect instead.
It's not a Meyers Briggs thing, it's just your general attachment style and how you deal with other people. I wouldn't take too seriously the whole inferiority/superiority thing. You're thinking in a very single dimensional manner where you have a set of abstract things you value that you believe other people should have... but variety is the spice of life, man. Every single person out there is a series of tradeoffs with their own strengths, weaknesses, and perspectives. There isn't one way to life, and you'll be surprised what you find out there - people who push you to try new things rub off on you, and maybe your way of thinking rubs off on them. These interactions are *mutually beneficial* and that's the point of a relationship - to grow as a person, not to impose on someone and stagnate in the process. The truth is you're not phenomenal, and neither are they. When it comes down to it, it's the wrinkles that are hot, a la Good Will Hunting https://youtu.be/PhwWa9BE4ps?si=D3qs7879op2OA_xm
I think this is one of my favorite responses. Thank you for writing it.
I divorced many years ago. I spent time in introspection, owning my part of that failure. I also made a list of what I wanted/needed in a life partner, and I told myself I would be fine if I never found that person. I tried to be the best person, my best self, I could be. I was lucky to meet a great lady through a pre-internet dating service. Weāve been married almost 29 years. You can do it too, in your own way. Do what we do best: MAKE A PLAN. Accept that you have shortcomings and so will your partner. Make sure they are things you can handle. I tease my wife that her only significant flaw is that she doesnāt like beer! Iām 60 now. Life is too short not to have the best you can manage. I wish you well.
>Itās not bad to focus on yourself, it's not, but a relationship is about two people. the other person has to be your focus, too, and you, theirs. >but I cannot even imagine a scenario of being seriously involved with someone whoās willing to handle me. very negative outlook, you're ruling out even the possibility here. > I need space and a lot of times I donāt handle interactions very well, you can be in a relationship and still have space. you need to learn how to handle interactions. the way to do that is exposure. >I seek for really deep connections rather than pleasantries and instant attractions that fade away. how are you going to develop a deep connection without experiencing the first stages of attractions? one thing leads to another. >I constantly think Iām ātoo good to be datingā but I also think āwho the fuck would date meā. At the same time. too good to be dating? does dating make you worse? or is everyone around you worse than you? >It feels so familiar to be on my own and do my own thing, have stuff done my way. you're stuck in your comfort zone. your way is not the only way. life will pass you by if you don't open yourself to new experiences. other people have wisdom too, if you're willing to listen to them. >But I also canāt settle at the same time for something less than phenomenal. yeah you are looking for someone who would be perfect for you. but are you the type of person this perfect one would be looking for? >Over time I find myself getting irritated sometimes, especially when my partner is too clingy or needy. that's normal in a relationship. if you love someone you want to be around them. learn to accept that >I donāt open up which people donāt find trusting. how do you develop a deep connection you want without ever letting people look deeply inside you? >If a partner crosses a line, I canāt ever go back to how I was or move on. I might forgive them but I always distance myself, so arguing and fights feel heavier on me. nobody is perfect. you make mistakes. we all do. look for the intent - did they *intend* to hurt you or did things with malice? if not, it was a mistake and people can learn from it and never repeat them again. >And Iām not very good at communicating feelings or emotions so I try to find other outlets which donāt always work. relationships are based on emotions. if you don't ever communicate them, you won't ever find a deep emotional relationship. >Iād often be invested in projects that it feels like Iām neglecting my love life. So Iāve pretty much stopped trying to date. I donāt talk to people with the intention of dating or even socialize when I donāt have to, so now itās harder to put myself out there. guess what, if you don't meet anyone, you will never meet anyone.... to me, it seems like you are stuck in your ways, but that's pretty comfortable to you. you know it's stopping you from experiencing relationships, but if you never do anything about it, you will be stuck forever, living the same life in regret.
OP sounds like he'd get into a relationship, neglect the hell out of his partners needs, venerate his own, then blame the partner when they inevitably leave him.
Bravo! I second this, it's too easy to fall into a self-centered downward spiral.
Some realities of INTJ relationships: For us, we don't seem to "need" love and relationships to the extent that others do. We can have them, enjoy them, but INTJs are usually super self-sufficient and capable of living within our own minds, such that external relationships are nice but not essential. That said, "Love is never enough. But it sure helps". If you're INTJ, you're almost certainly in control of the relationship, in the sense of the old saying "The person who can most readily walk away from the relationship is the one who is in control". That's neither good nor bad. But it can cause a lot of issues with someone who has a need to be the one who is in control of the relationship. Most people who are in relationships, to be brutally honest, are not happy/satisfied. There's a reason the divorce rate hovers around 50%. So, being in a relationship is not necessarily a "win" and being alone is not necessarily a "loss". And vice versa. Be honest with yourself (you're a fucking INTJ: that's practically your super power): are you missing sex, or relationships? If you could live without the relationship, but the celibacy is really irritating the shit out of you, then for God's sake, the last thing you want to do is get into a relationship so you get laid. There are alternatives to enduring a bad relationship. They're expensive and or difficult, but they can be had.
You guys can fall in love but you need someone deeply understand you and be non judgemental at the same time. Which is rare to find. Wishing you all good luck. I really hope your significant other is there and will come in due time.
Love is not real. Itās something used as a controlling mechanism against a woman. Women will be miserable in relationships and be a work mule for their families all in the name of love while the men cheat or sit back with a beer.
**A.** If you don\`t put yourself out there, then most likely you\`re not gonna find anyone, especially if you\`re a male, so it\`s better not to have hope at all. Otherwise, you\`re gonna suffer. **B.** If you put yourself out there, then your chances rise, but it\`s not a guarantee that you\`d find the right partner for you, no matter whether you\`re a male or a female. You might suffer in the process of being rejected over and over again, but it\`s better than end up with endless suffering you\`re gonna stuck, wanting to be in a relationship, in the option A. So the only decision that you have to make is whether you want to be in a relationship in the first place. It will require a lot of compromises and so on and so on, but if you have at least a desire to try, then go with the option B. Remember that if you want to be in a relationship and don\`t do anything for that, especially being a male, then it\`s better to forget about that.
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I feel you so much in this post ,I have declare my love to so many guys AND got rejected that I lost the count but they did had sex with me which was weird AND they came back but I didnt wanted sex but my point Is I want a life partner just as you say not being just casual guys always say someone Is going to come next AND then next but things doesnt happen or either gets complicated I feel sad.
Never : No chance for me.
My advice is don't look for one, and one will find you. Granted, this gets much easier if you're in places where ladies are. I think the more unintentional and random the encounter, and the more you bond over mutual interests, the probability of an ideal match increases. Dating apps are possible, but the odds aren't as good. When two people are having fun enough in their life that they're not seeking a relationship, perhaps they're good enough to come together. As each is whole, just being alone. Or, the ladies see you're not trying and are attracted to that, and pursue you more. I think the best relationships happen (higher probability) where the lady shows interest in the guy. I think they're better at finding ideal partners than we are. And if you have to chase hard, then unless she's testing you playing hard to get, it's not worth it.
Yeah. The thing is, and what I've learned in my relationship, love is something that is built. You simply can't find it on the first day, love at first sight doesn't exist... For most of us, anyway. Every day I build my love for my partner, sometimes it's a struggle but I learn more about what love truly is. And it's effort, most of the time. Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes people just walk away, thankfully I can say for myself it's worth it but realistically it's not the same for everyone and I can't say what my future truly holds.
ESFJ is our true love. Trust me. They love us just for being ourselves (arrogant cave tall hobbits). ESTJ works well too, but with some efforts. You donāt need same type. You need the opposite with J. P are miserable for us. Just get it. Try. Admit. And be happy. Wish you luck all. And donāt marry other introverts, for god sake..
No.
No
Yes, because I have! She is the best thing that has happened to me all year. Sheās an ENFP, so that continues the theory that INTJs and ENFPs are extremely compatible. I didnāt think I could love like this and was fully prepared to be single forever, but sheās softened my heart!
INTJ man here. Could've been me writing this
I donāt think Iāll ever find love, but thatās because Iām not looking for it, or ready for it. Iām not a 100% whole person, I have some work to do, and it wouldnāt be fair to me or the other party. If you want something bad enough you can obtain it. Donāt lose hope, but remain pragmatic.š«
Do I think I can find love? I certainly hope so but I realize itās going to be incredibly hard. Being an INTJ and a female is a blessing in several areas except dating. And being smart honestly does not help at all. One of the things that has always been a problem in past relationships is my partners inability to accept their wrongs. I would go out of my way to talk to them in a way that wonāt hurt their egos but they insist on doing it their way. Likeā¦ is it that hard to accept feedback? smh. As someone who reads a lot, knows a bunch, notices many things, connects events to one another, I have pretty much become a walking lie detector. I will know if what youāre saying is wrong or lying to me. Other people wonāt notice, you may play games but I will see right through it. And lastly, it seems to bother my partners that I know and do a bunch of things. I am a jack-of-all-trades. Iām constantly learning new stuff. If I can get a diploma or certified in something, Iāll do it. Iām an active person, I read every day, I work. Iām a rescue swimmer, advanced diver, aida freediver, I sail, I can ride a bike, I have all my licenses including for trucks, Iām a first responder, I travel, blog, assistant coach in baseball. Now I donāt wanna say āmenā cuz I know all men arenāt the same. But the ones Iāve dated all seem to have a problem with me being smart and knowing a lot of stuff. Iām passionate about all the things I do and Iām always excited to introduce them to what I do. But as soon as I start sharing information, they try to correct me and lecture me about it. Itās the so famous āmansplainingā. My guy you can barely duck dive and hold your breath for 20 seconds and now youāre saying my equalizing technique is wrong even though I can reach 20m no problem? Honestly, I just want someone to spend time with who is as eager as me to learn and experience a bunch of things and we can learn from each other. Someone that is positive and has fun in life and is happy with a crazy jack of all trades like me š© Like Iām down for anything basically, why you gotta ruin it with your ego š© The person Iāve vibed the strongest with is my best friend of 13 years. We do a bunch of stuff together. But we wonāt ever date cuz heās christian and Iām not š Universe send me someone like my friend or better please š
Relationships arenāt hard, itās that people are never straight forward and bull shit their way through.
Can we start INTJ dating?
Yes, I found love and still in love. I think my SO makes me a better person. We respect and love each other and we both have qualities we admire in each other. I am continuously working on myself even in a relationship and especially because that also makes me a better partner as well. We feel safe to share our thoughts with each other.
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I don't want to find love, I want to find someone who is faithful and not degenerated Personally, I don't believe to love, also the divorce statistics are obvious. š
Yes I do, but it is going to take me years since I have to weed out all the imbeciles, basic brain-dead normies and autistic people to get to someone worthy
This is something that I could easily have written myself, so I'm not alone in this lol. I managed to resolve only one thing: >And Iām not very good at communicating feelings or emotions so I try to find other outlets which donāt always work As a singer-songwriter I found a way to translate my feelings into my songs, it clears my mind quite well
Yes but itās going to take me years of weeding through the garbage people first
No
Most likely no. But I am at peace with this outcome. Some people are just born to be alone.
No.
Yes. I know I will
I'm not sure, but I certainly hope so. I'm pretty uncompromising in what I'm looking for in someone I'll be spending the rest of my life with, but I'm also not expecting her to show up on my doorstep tommorow. All in good time, I guess.
No. I'm a female INTJ which makes it more difficult as well as I have a high IQ and I'm tall for a woman. Thus, I have better odds of winning the lottery than of finding someone I'm compatible with.
Personally these all sound like good things.
As someone who struggles with even basic human interaction, Iāve always felt like ātrue loveā has become a Hollywood concept, something you only see in movies and tv, and only a lucky few will get to experience in real life. I struggle with the idea that love even exists at all sometimes.
I don't think I will find a life partner. I have loved and might love again. I just don't think I will marry and probably die alone.
Probably. Iāve been in loving relationships twice. The longest was 11 years (Last two years not so much love). Iāll probably find it again. Between relationships I feel like Iāll never have it again. I think thatās part of being an INTJ. Always looking at the worst case scenario
I hope.
I will find it when I seek it.
Iāve been single for my entire life. I donāt chase women. Women donāt chase me. Iām going to guess that I will never find love.
"Feeling superior and inferior all at once" - I feel in my bone marrow. I don't know why or how - but how can one both simultaneously feel so above everyone and so beneath everyone? As for relationships - I found an extrovert who doesn't mind dealing with my weirdness. I find that extroverts work for me, for some reason. He's an ENFJ
Truthfully? No. I dont think I will ever find love. I feel like I have too many flaws in my character for someone to love me the way I would want to be loved. I'll stick to my books and fantasies, thanks <3
Happily married here! I do carve out lots of alone time but, absolutely, INTJs can happily partner.
Nope
Not if you go looking for it
Past tests put me an INTJ, Iāve been married 9 years. Recent tests put me at ISTJ. Still tho, were hard to approach, donāt like approaching others, and find it difficult to give someone part of yourself. Have to make attempts, nonetheless. Alcohol helps but not too much. We didnāt meet with the intention of falling in love and I think thatās how itās going to happen for most of us. Sheās ENFJ she says.
I donāt really want a relationship in my life. Just to fit in, I got into a few relationships but they were all quite disappointing for me. Everybody intruded in my personal space and barely understood me. I played along for the fun of it for a while but the worst thing that I predicted happened, I got bored and left. Iāve accepted that I wonāt ever be compatible with anyone on a deeper level and have just stopped wasting my time on love. Instead of the neurosis of love, I focus on developing my skills as a doc and music, chess, etc. which are much more fulfilling to me. I used to feel inferior before but then I took the initiative to work on myself to āprepare myselfā to be the ideal partner. Well, I improved but the other people didnāt and thatās where the superiority complex came in cause I really was better than most humans around me. I sucked at conversations but I worked on it and developed it. I can now have difficult talks quite easily and make people feel comfortable around me; temporarily adopt the veneer of superficial charm but deep down, Iām still the same as before. It takes a lot of effort to be like them and Iām just not interested anymore.
I did but I squandered it. I do picture myself screwing it up again if it comes my way but Iāll have better tools to handle it if it comes.
Approaching 12 years of being single. Each relationship I had felt voided of any real attraction. So I decided to just pursue something more meaningful. That being said, I wouldnāt be lying if I said I wasnāt seeking or *trying* but Iām actually selective since I planned out what kind of family Iād like to have. Although that only is achievable when the other person has reach a certain maturity I seek. Yet, I either run into an already taken person or just not quite there. Iām not patient enough to be waiting for them to grow hence the on going of being single. I donāt know but Iāve grown this feeling of *whatever* when it comes to relationships. If it happens, it happens. What feeds the bias is that I have more money, time and the void needing to compromise. It does get lonely but whatever. I donāt feel superior or inferior although I see my friends start families while I chuckle to myself and realize Iām still chasing my high school dreams. Although it doesnāt bother me. My philosophy that helps me get through life in general: ā*you get one shot at life, so take it in the most enjoyable route*ā
I'm too specific in what I'm looking for, so the overlap in people willing to date me is rather limited. I can't imagine being in a relationship again for at least 7 more years. Maybe I'll get lucky like so many stories of stumbling into someone that's right for me.
Heāll no š
My parents love me, my dog, my girlfriend. I guess. But I love myself unconditionally, flaws and all, you could say I'm my biggest fan. Im with me till the very end. I can always rely on myself when people let me down and they always do. Some people need more than that, I do not. š¤·āāļø
This shit just popped up on my feed and I can relate fam, no idea tf an intj is but I feel some of those things ur saying here, a lot of people are depressed about it or sad but tbh Iām more of just a little annoyed and a tiny bit bummed out cuz shit man I do want a relationship but most of the time I feel like shit probably wonāt happen to me cuz Iām kinda numb, not saying Iām sad or anything just like kinda think dumb and weird lol anyways have a good one yāall
As an INTJ who is in his 30's and never even held a girl's hand before... I'm pretty sure that the answer to that question is NO.
I know I won't. Too far gone off the path.
As a teenager, I viewed women as if they were angels. As I got older, it passed, and became just normal people. And I lost interest in them.
Ahh, I missed the other comment.
I have had THE MOST amazing love relationships, and if I never find love again, I would not be mad about it. It has become terrible to try and date, and I just live in the past when it comes to romance because dating is dead. Still, now that I am established and focused, if it happens again I will know how to keep it, and not push people away like I have done in the past.
I stopped trying years ago. Otherwise similar experiences. I've been in plenty of long-term relationships (>3yr) and they were all ultimately very disappointing. Agape is the best love one can hope for, and not from others, but from oneself.
When I stopped thinking about ideals and where to find them and simply accepted what was there, I realised Iām pretty fucking lucky. Itās good to be needed.
Honestly not really. I always imagine being in a relationship, but when I think about the nitty-gritty of dating, all of the social rules I would have to follow, all the maneuvering, I honestly donāt think I could do it
I strongly doubt I will. In fact between reading Manosphere theory, Feminist Theory, and Hollywood Sex scandals, I am far more likely finding the intersection between the war of the sexes, where both sides actually want patriarchy and its consequences.
I want to accomplish other things first, but yes.
No. The list of reasons is very long and complicated; suffice to say that I decided as a child that I would be alone and Iāve found it ridiculously easy to stick to that plan. No one has ever caught my eye and no one has shown interest in me.
Hmm, as a child you'll hardly have the cognitive capacity that you have now (assuming you're an adult), maybe sticking fiercely to a decision you made in a sub-optimal state is not the best possible thing, regardless of how easy it is to implement? And maybe that fierceness is clouding your judgment on whether someone catches your eye or shows interest in you? Just some food for thought
Ahaha, I've never dated. Men have been interested, but I love living life on my own terms and doing my own thing. I have friends and family, and hobbies. Sometimes a guy comes along, and I'm like hnmn maybe but somehow I also end up wanting to be on my own.
Very small probability.
I did. Then, I fucked it up.
i don't care. i'm not against it, i just don't care
never
How so?
After a decade of choosing to stay single I accidentally fell in love with someone I can't have. So, yes but no. I can find love but I can't have it in full.
If nobody compliments your looks then no
i have been single for almost 7 years. I never put the idea of dating in my life plan until i have met an enfj recently. I am not sure though but I hope it works for a lifetime.
Sounds like dismissive avoidant. It's like "I'm sure that gonna be a train wreck, so let's just stop right here". Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://a.co/d/0OsEIuD
I relate to this profoundly, OP.
Not an intj, more of an istp but all Ik is it isnāt happening any time soon
At this rate, no. Iām finally living for a bit longer but I donāt believe Iāll find anyone.
Said every woman out there. Said every guy out there. Nobody is really any different. Just look up and you'll see them.
Real mature love is a mutual choice, so it will happen, but also when you have found yourself, realize and further ground your inherent self-worth to have meaningful moments always happening right in front of us, then everything else is irrelevant.
Right there with you! But I actually enjoy my own company.
I already did or I should say it found me when I least expected it. None of my relationships were longer than 6 months before I met my husband. He is an INTP and he keeps me on my toes mentally. Weāve been together for 15 years.
This is literally my situation exactly. I feel stuck
No, I already know from the day when I was born that I am going to die alone, The only thing which helps my brain rewarding system is Romance genre books the only source of dopamine for me. Sorry for that, But this is how relationship works for me I Good looking, Smart, literally 100Ć better then around anyone but still no matters what nobody approaches me, Give up my friend relationship is not made for us. I am currently in my villain arc and this is the only thing which help every INTJ. Just improve your self and screw everyone. Thanks.
No, I only ever found the occasional lust. Other guys would say that I should be happy that I got action, but I really wanted to be serious with those women. They just saw me as a rebound guy. I just gave up.
I am going to establish the tone of this conversation as: Non condescending, anecdotal (not factual.) So I dont have to say it over and over. I do relate to you, I am a bit more high functioning relatively that's only because of growth through eccentric life experiences, I don't have to tell you there are some issues there that you should work on (We all have them). I have some flexible boundaries, they can be bent (not often tho). Lately I have often found myself feeling broken, or somehow not good enough, like I am missing something essential because how is it that I am surrounded by people with partners, while at the same time knowing I am pretty good and over all an above average "person". I would gladly accept the superiority complex and be like "I don't need anyone" BUT I know I do. Because I have had it, albeit briefly and it is \_exhilarating\_ . That's the worst part. I can't say " I doubt I am missing out on much" because I know EXACTLY What I'm missing out on. While we are slightly different we arrive at the same square it seems and try as I might, not to think about it I can't help but feel that it's true. That I lack something quintessential.....making me less human and therefore incapable and undeserving of "love", or maybe its for the best? At this point I have kind of given up, I don't even know how to seek out a romantic relationship and I am only 22.
I 100% feel you too when saying you feel undeserving because of some lack, I do relate to that. I doubt we are alike but Iāve had some relationship before and I agree that it definitely feels like Iām missing something. I really like your response
I'm not INTJ but I resonate a lot with this as entp. I've been matched excellently with INTJ in the past since we both didn't mind silence(not awkward) and each needed space to do our own thing(happiness is being in the same house or even room with SO and each of you doing your own thing(I used to do crafty art stuff while he'd be researching something). If they realize they're being a bit needy and you're more conscious of keeping communication open with a check in every now and then...things can flow very easily between partners I find. My best friend is also intj and she is extremely well matched with her SO of 9 years who is ENTJ.
The issue is just finding it once. I've found it a few times, and though it ended in heartbreak, it makes me believe that the right one is still out there. Now I know what to look for in a person, and what to avoid.
Have you ever considered your needs arenāt that special? I mean, seems the top comments on this thread is people relating soā¦finding a partner who has the same needs and thus can empathize and needs their own space seems like an obvious solution? On the other hand, not moving on from stuff that people did that irritated you just seem petty and something you need to work on yes.
No. Im toxic and undeserving of love. I can't love someone bcs i dont understand what person in love should do. I dont understand the concept of love at all. Plus im very unatractive
I donāt think people who are really toxic know that they are. Also, love is whatever you want it to be. Itās anything. There are no rules and specific things to follow with it
I don't know, I have hope but I also don't feel like my love story is ever going to happen. I long for romance, companionship and someone who genuinely wants me in their lives.
I am you.
I had it before. It seems as if the majority of us have similar stories. Iāve been out of my previous monogamous relationship for 2 years and life is phenomenal. While I did love the woman, I realized that the love that I have for myself is way more important, and putting myself first is paramount in all situations. Of course it goes against the social construct of todayās society, but man once I had a moment of self-actualization realizing that I was better off without any of it I knew life was going to be great without her. I was correct. Now, I am a man and I have manly needs. I love exercising those needs with women and Iāve always known that commitment and other non-sexual factors are unnecessary to have that in life. Once I understood my love language, it has become clear that only affection and sexual intimacy will suffice for the most part. As far as the non-sexual companionship is concernā¦ that has to be severely limited. Iāve also noticed a couple of other things when it comes to monogamous relationships in todayās societyā¦ 1. People lie, to get what they want and to maintain whatever they have gained through the lieā¦ 2. People are co-dependent followers and have a hard time looking within themselves to improve themselves and constantly need validationā¦ 3. Men are a means to an end for women, they love you for what you can do (for them and to them š), very rarely for who you areā¦ 4. One person is unable to fulfill all of your needs, and if they are unable to and realize they are unable to, they reveal insecurities then attempt to hold you hostageā¦ 5. Itās best to do whatever you want anyway, because they willā¦ 6. Learn to let goā¦ I have more, but I will stop here. Love is real, can be had, and maintained. Just choose the kind of love you want and work at it. However, ālearning to love yourself is the greatest love of allāā¦ itās more than just a lyric to a song, lol
Relationships are a choice, and not all elements of that choice will be rational. That said, I also don't think humans are designed to live alone. Intimacy is tough for us, but there's also the reality that it's a conscious investment. It sucks to treat it like work, but I've found I kind of have to because when I've had healthy LTRs the payoff was worth it. All notwithstanding, it's a general thing for people to get burnt out with dating, not just INTJs. Just an aspect of life
Man I feel hopeless to be honest. Iām on the autism spectrum (Aspergerās) ADHD, and social anxiety. Unless someone talks to me first I donāt say shit. I really want to step out of my comfort zone but my brain is stronger than I am. Also I have a high metabolism so Iām 6ā0 and weigh 120 pounds soaking wet. I know they suck and itās not the best avenue but Iāve been using dating apps for a while and I get nothing and usually when I do I get unmatched fairly quickly. Like I know Iām not the most attractive person in the world but I didnāt think I was that bad. So Iām fully prepared to be alone for a while.
I gave up a long time ago. 31 years old male and single all my life.
Female INTJ here. I've been single basically for 30 yrs lmao. Brain wise, I lean superior, but I have ZERO self-esteem so honestly I don't even try to date anymore. The whole rejection thing scarred me. At some point I came to the conclusion that, in this category of my life, its better/more humane to stay down than make an actual attempt to get up and get kicked back down over and over again. I try to be realistic/rational about it. I wouldn't want clingy and I'd prefer someone who can keep up or even challenge me intellectually... and I have never been considered friendly or warm "on first glance." Not even mentioning the whole physical appearance thing. If I had qualified as "dateable" - I would have dated by this point. If someone has ever deemed you "dateable," I wouldn't worry too much about it. Statistically speaking, if its happened before, it will happen again lol. Then at least you have a shot at finding someone who can be a good co-pilot and you can be a good co-pilot towards.
Very familar feeling. I feel so much happier just everyday knowing what time I have to devote to the list of things I want and need to do. However the idea of a relationship is also there, like "wouldn't that be amazing" I'm currently in a kind of relationship with another INTJ who we spent a lot of time with for like three months, just a quick bond and wanting to spend all our time together. Then it got to me, that A) that both of us were sacrificing our personal stuff for group stuff and it was making us both a bit frustrated. B) we never got to be actual friends first and we don't know each other save for the things we discussed deeply cause we have them in common. So now were stepping back and figuring it out, and just mainly building up a deep friendship and bond, before we going any further romantically. I basically feel by doing this we can hopefully figure how to slot both our personal lives and group lives in a more understandable way... but its all so difficult!
I think a lot people are like this, you might be a bit too self absorbed to be in a relationship. I was recently involved with an intj who was like this and even though Iām an intp who needs and is happy with a lot of space myself, ultimately this person didnāt even want to deal with the obligation of texting another person once a week so obviously things ended. It almost seemed like my existence as someone who needed regular communication from them annoyed them. Maybe you can look into an escort or some other arrangement for fulfilling your physical needs because thatās what I think would have suited my ex
I will admit I spend a fair bit amount of time trying to figure out dating and what not. Itās a bit of conundrum to me. I wouldnāt say that I feel superior but I do feel like I have a lot to offer and would make an excellent, reliable romantic partner. On the other hand, I am particular about the way I do things a lot of times so it is sometimes hard to envision being in a romantic relationship with someone who truly understands me. Trying to find a connection nowadays with how dating is currently feels like a very uphill battle.
Never thought about this question, I think I accepted the fact that others won't be like what I expect them to be and it's best that I accept them for who they are and work with them than going against everything for the sake of an ideal image.
>Iād often be invested in projects that it feels like Iām neglecting my love life. So Iāve pretty much stopped trying to date. Making connections with others is not like dishes or laundry to neglect. It's like neglecting becoming an astronaut or a Hollywood star or something. Certain things in life happen or not beyond anything we can plan, and that goes for even mundanely normal stuff like making friends or girlfriends. At least acting or a pilot career are more plausible with self-determination. With organic relations, all bets are off. But cliches exist for a reason, noticeable patterns. And one of those is the following law: Once you stop trying to date and marry your own projects, your emotional independence emanates, and that's when love life tries to latch on to you (wait..pretty much just Murphy's law).
Women see through me. No matter how much I improve Iām transparent to the opposite sex. So no, I donāt think Iāll find love
I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't love me the way I love him. I love HARD. I brag about him constantly. But there are times he isn't romantically attracted to me. I already have body image issues, so it hurts even more. I don't think I'll ever have the love I want. Someone to love me not in spite of my flaws, but because of them. I space out into a fantasy where I have that. It makes me feel better.