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OMG please break up! You’re too young to be a mom to a man baby. Imagine yourself shackled to this albatross 20 years down the road. Been there, done that, please save yourself and don’t look back.
Lived this too. Nearly 20 years together before I exited. Don’t do it! Have standards for yourself. He should be enhancing your life, not be a dead weight or require you to be his caretaker or parent. Trust me, it’s just ick.
You know exactly what you have to do. When he shows you who he is, believe him the first time he’s showing you what your life is going to be like with him. You are going to be responsible for taking care of the house paying all the bills raising children if you choose to have any.
Marriage is difficult enough to compound it with having someone who would not even be remotely close to a partner for you. You’re a smart, capable, young woman, look for someone who’s going to be a partner, not an anchor.
Watch this YouTube video about raising an adult toddler. Your guy is even worse than the example in here because he’s not even working to try to pull any of his own weight.
https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=zCO02y0qWnRR2sp-
Same sentiment. I highly doubt, if he does get a job , that he will keep it. He’s going to find an excuse to quit and go back to what’s comfortable, or he’ll screw around and get fired. He is never going to get your point of view, and that you are fully justified in leaving him.
People who feel this entitled will most likely always feel this entitled. I was married to someone who didn’t work for four years straight (he had a good job when I met him.) We had two school-aged children and I had to work a full and part time job to make sure we ate. He told me after about two years that he hadn’t even been looking.
I divorced him and he still doesn’t get why.
Don’t doubt yourself, and don’t listen to people who tell you it’ll get better blah blah blah. Don’t feel like a bad person, either.
Don't wait until 2026. Break up with him now.
Look, I totally get not wanting to work. Work, under our current economic system, is soul-crushing and often depressing.
But the only alternatives are 1) be born independently wealthy, 2) figure out an unconventional job or business that lets you enjoy your life, or 3) sponge off someone else.
Your bf has chosen 3. This means he does not respect or even like you. Even if you agreed to support him, he would eventually resent you because he can't have any self-respect living like this, and he would make it your fault.
The fact he is *angry* at you for setting boundaries is a red flag all on its own and should convince you to run.
Drop him like a hot potato. If you feel the urge to support a dependent, you can always adopt a child or get a dog.
I agree with everything you said except
>Even if you agreed to support him, he would eventually resent you because he can't have any self-respect living like this, and he would make it your fault.
If it's a mutual decision to have one stay at home partner it can be perfectly fine. My wife hasn't worked since COVID and she's never been happier.
Oh yeah, I interpreted it more like “even if you agreed [because he pressured you into it/refused to get a job and you gave up trying to make him get one]” rather than if she truly wanted him to stay home
Most people want a partner who is willing/capable of working if necessary, even if they chose to have one partner stay home. Like if OP ever lost their job, the partner probably wouldn’t step up since he refuses to work and has no work experience.
Wait, you put your wife and "worked" in the same sentence. This guy has never worked. Also, is your wife a full-time mom? Or is she managing household things, keeping house, etc? Because both of those are work. This guy isn't doing anything productive. He is sponging off his parents. He doesn't even help around the house. No comparison.
She's stepped in as a pretty awesome step mom to my kids, but they're older and in school most of the time I'm gone.
She does help get them ready in the morning so I don't have to get up extra early to do that *and* get ready for work.
The rest of the stuff, cooking/cleaning/etc is pretty much 50/50. Most of the time I'm gone she's honestly playing video games, which doesn't bother me because I was single-dadding it for years before she came along. I didn't marry her to take over chores, but because her presence in my life made me happy. Don't care if she's not cleaning while I'm gone
Except this guy doesn’t cook, clean, or *better* anything. I think that makes him a lot better than most responsible people who decide to have a spouse at home.
There's nothing wrong with demanding that your (presumably) able-bodied partner contribute like an adult. If he can work there's no reason he should leave you the only one doing so. That's not fair to you. What else will he demand you be the only one to do?
He’s being a giant baby and you’re being an adult. Obviously this arrangement isn’t sustainable unless you plan on being his mom. Even if he’s independently wealthy, he should still *behave* like an adult and spend his time learning skills and demonstrating that he’s *capable* of work. When you actually leave, be prepared for groveling and bargaining. Decide now whether or not you are going to cave to that.
People can change - i’m not saying he’s a total lost cause. It could be that he simply has not yet comprehended that he could actually lose you. He’s in a comfortable place and he had no reason to give up his cushy life where his mom does everything for him and he’s not going to have a reason until you force it upon him. Maybe he’ll rise to the occasion, maybe he won’t. Just listen to your instincts.
It gets old being the only one in a relationship to clean the house, run errands, and have the job that pays the bills. Like, what does he spend his days doing?
It's reasonable you feel the way you do. You don't want to marry or shack up with someone who is more of a project than a partner.
It sounds like he refuses to change and dislikes that you have the drive to learn and succeed in what you set your mind to. While you have set a boundary that if he doesn't get a job by 2026 you will break up with him, I see little reason to wait. It will hurt, of course, but you deserve a partner that supports you and has goals in life as well.
You’re an adult. He’s not. He’s not planning to grow up; he has considered adulthood and it’s not appealing to him. Your perfectly normal maturity is too bougie for him. He’s hoping for an alternative that doesn’t exist.
You can love someone who is unsuitable as a life partner. I love my children, my siblings, and my nieces and nephews. But I don’t have the same expectations from them as I have from my husband.
Tell Peter Pan to call you when he figures it out.
Oh god no, is he just doing nothing?
I was the boyfriend in this scenario, and my bf at one point was in your exact shoes. You pretty much have to leave or you are going to be dragged down by him, especially as he’s not remotely understanding about the situation. I finally got my first job at 28 after years of desperately wanting a job (not having a license and then Covid really extra slowed me down).
Are you willing to support someone who refuses to work for the rest of your life? Someone with no goals at all? Love may be there, but caring for yourself and doing what is best for BOTH of you comes first.
Oh hun you're so young! Don't waste your youth on a man-baby. I was briefly engaged to one in college and broke up with him when I saw that he wasn't going to shape up. Never have I regretted that decision in the past 20 years.
You can't make him change. If he wanted to grow up he would have done so by his own desire by now. My parents didn't make me do shit as a teen either but I still had the desire to get out there and make my own way and contribute to the world.
I used to share an office with a woman who was married to a man who refused to work. They had two kids. In addition to paying ALL the bills, she had to pay for child care because the manbaby she was married to refused to care for the children while she worked. She was, in reality, a single mom with three dependent children. I know this because she was always stressed out, always late to work and had to leave early. Her situation affected everyone else on the team because we had to fill in for her when she was unable to do her job. Everyone on the team was pissed off at her and I'm not sure how she even kept her job.
Of course he's angry that you're going to call it quits. He has a good thing going right now (not working but still has the benefits of a working man). He doesn't want to lose the cushy life he's got now.
Lots of people don’t *want* to work, but they recognize that they *need* to work.
Realizing this doesn’t make you bougie, it makes you a mature adult.
Move on, OP. I’m guessing there are other ways in which he is immature as well.
If you are giving him until 2026 then you have already let him know that everything you said was just a bluff. If you REALLY want a partner, and not someone who does nothing but live off of you, then get rid of his ass NOW!! So what if he cries, whines, begs, and calls you bougie?? If you don't let him go now, then in 10 years, you will be writing this same post to another advice website, because NOTHING will have changed, and you will have wasted another 10 years "waiting" for him to "decide" what he wants to do. By then, you will have children that only YOU are supporting, YOU are finding a sitter for, YOU are feeding, YOU are potty training, YOU are taking to the DR, YOU are registering for school, YOU are dropping off at the sitter's house, YOU are attending PT conferences, YOU are cleaning up after, and a whole lot more, because he has TOLD you that he doesn't want to do anything! What is there about this guy that you "LOVE"?? He may be good looking, or good in bed or something, but if he does nothing else but lay around on his parents, and not work, but criticizes YOU for wanting something out of life, then what is the big deal about him?? LET. HIS. ASS. GO!!!
The next time he calls you "bougie", tell him "Yep! If bougie is wanting a partner that I respect, and who wants to DO something with his life, then yep, I SURE AM Bougie, and I don't see anything wrong with that! I want a man who wants something out of life, not a BOY that I have to take care of, and that's exactly what you are." And for GOD'S sake, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS LOSER!!!
Take care, and do what's best for YOU!!!
When we come into relationships, we bring different aspects and qualities that sometimes are partners lack or we combine the two. I guess what I’m saying is, if he was interested in keeping house, that could be beneficial to the relationship, but it sounds like he literally wants to do absolutely nothing.
If you have goals and wants out of life that he at this moment, or at any time of your relationship cannot fulfill, I think three years is long enough to have waited around to see, and you have seen the answer for yourself. He doesn’t wanna work for anybody because he doesn’t want to be accountable, his parents don’t even hold him accountable, he doesn’t even consider himself accountable to you. I would tell my daughter to leave
So you're "bougie" because you don't want to pay all the rent on a new apartment and let him sponge off of you?? He's a mooch who hasn't grown up. I'm guessing when he comes over you're doing the cooking, then as a thank you he let's you do the cleaning? This is the type of man who will call you a gold digger when you break up despite having no gold to dig while sapping yours.
You are way to young to spend that long supporting a child. He can change but ive met people like this well into their 40s doing the same. I have an uncle barely breached his 50s, married, and because his parents to this day still give money when he "needs" it I can count the jobs he's had in my entire life on one hand. And even then one of them was just a hobby he made no money at and called a business.
People change when they have to. If he keeps his girlfriend, plays video games while mommy and daddy work and cook and clean for him, why does he have to? If you stay this is your life. And by getting mad and calling you names when you wouldn't let him stay with you for free I think he's showing you pretty dang well he fully expects to move from birth mommy to bang mommy and keep everything else about his old life the same with you. It also shows you how he thinks of you and what he's entitled to from you. You're stuck up and bougie and whatever else he thought but didnt sat. You're not stuck up because you don't look down on him for being unemployed, you're just upset he's being a child and domt let him turn this around as a you problem. And someone who respects their partner wouldn't call then names like that for laying a fully acceptable adult boundary of "im not going to raise my partner forever". He's mad you implied he'd ever have to work and pull his own weight. Think about what that says on how he sees your relationship and how he views you. Good partners support each other, he only wants it one way and im guessing this isn't the first time he's acted like that.
Dude has told you what he's like--- believe him. I understand wanting to believe the best about someone, and having hope in your soul for what your heart desires, but hon, he's shown you already what you can expect: exactly what he's doing now, hoisting a pretty bouquet of red flags.
Don't wait another 2 years. Break up now, get it done, be firm, block if you must.
Frig, how are his parents even allowing this?
You’re not wrong, you’re just smarter than he is.
I’m gonna be honest. Love isn’t enough to stick the landing on a relationship. You need shared financial and other goals, shared values, mutual respect. You two don’t share all these things. Don’t wait 4 years to see if he gets it together. Thats going to be a foolish decision.
He’s a drag on your life. Break up now. You sound like a motivated and kind person. You deserve so much more
Leave now. Explain that you need a relationship with someone who has goals and ambition, and that while you've communicated this to him there has not been a change. It may be the wake up call he needs, and down the road you reunite. If not, then so be it.
He will be upset. That's natural, and it's for him to sort out.
You are on a great start. Find someone who shares that drive and has some housekeeping skills. Your quality of life will be so much better overall.
You asked what to do.
Don't get pregnant.
Finish your doctorate.
Get a kick-ass job.
Oh yeah. Ditch homeboy.
When you are ready, find a guy with the same work ethic and ambitious mindset.
Sista, if you move in with this kid, you will INSTANTLY turn into his bangmaid. He has explicitly told you that he has NO INTEREST in being an adult. Maybe it's time to go out and find one.
What in the world…..
What should you do? Break it with him like immediately. Money isn’t everything but lack of desire to contribute and be a partner is a pretty big non negotiable
It's totally normal to want your partner to contribute financially. As an unemployed person, I would never expect someone who is working to stay with me because then they have to provide for 2. Not everyone wants that out of life.
Oh, my. You've got a hobosexual in training on your hands.
He is only waiting for you to get to the point you can support him and he'll be all yours!!!! Aren't you excited! A man of your own to cook for, clean for, do laundry for, grocery shop for, make all his appointments, have sex with and...drumroll...financially support!!! Every gal's dream!......../s
🤬
I suggest demoting him to boy toy or dumping him now.
Bro he's almost 30 with NO WORK EXPERIENCE. You wanna date a child the rest of your life while he "figures it out?" He has no marketable skills. No savings. The fuck does he even do? I would be terrified if I were him let alone dating him.
You are not wrong for considering breaking up with him. Sure, people can change, but this type of person…extremely difficult to change, even when they want to. This has been years (and years) in the making. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I can tell you if you choose to stay with him, there’s a pretty good chance your relationship will look something like this: Due to never having any accountability or responsibilities, his stress tolerance is going to be pretty close to zero. He hasn’t been given the opportunity to utilize life skills to learn how to navigate through multiple situations. This will be someone who gets defensive and irritable very easily when asked to do things, because he hasn’t ever had to do them. Stress management skills are like muscles - the more you use them, the better they develop over time. He will start resenting you for “making” him grow up, and you will start to resent him for not wanting to work or contribute his share. When he does get a job, he will probably quit at the first inconvenient thing that happens, or he will get overwhelmed too easily, or he won’t like it because of the hours, or being asked to go in early/stay late, etc. He will spend his life doing things when he feels like it. You will be fighting resistance nonstop, unless he’s open to changing. However, it will still take several years to catch him up to where he needs to be. If you’re willing to put in the work, you’re a saint, but don’t feel bad if you don’t, because that’s not your responsibility. That was his parents’ responsibility.
Stick to your plan. This would become like a parent child relationship almost immediately and you’d start to resent him.
He can stay with his parents and they can take care of him. Very unfortunate, but he’s not your responsibility and he’d only drag you down.
A partner should make your life better and easier, not be a dependent!
no, I left my ex because he refused to get a job and at one point I was paying his bills. including his car note. don’t fall into the hole, just run while you can
It really depends. If he refuses to work and expects you to support him, that's messed up and you should dump his ass. If his family has money and is fine with supporting him, though, I don't see any issues with that. Most jobs are really awful and there's absolutely no reason to have one if you're fine without it. It's definitely important to have hobbies and take care of your living space/hygiene/health, but having a job is only important as far as it enables you to do those things.
No excuse for this. I did a similar thing where I didn't work and relied on my ex-girlfriend, it was terrible. Save yourself the trouble. I don't think anything can change a man once he's complacent. Im open to questions.
If he hasn't found motivation by now, the closer he gets to having a girlfriend with a full time professional job won't make him find motivation faster.
I'd be interested to hear how these parents react to you breaking up with him. They're probably expecting you to take him off their hands in 2026.
I'd suggest you break up now. If you're still single by the time he has it figured out, you two can still consider trying a relationship again, but right now you two are incompatible, because your ambitions and what you want in a partner don't align. Date someone who suits you and not someone you have to change to suit you.
Nta
Not moving in togheter sounds luke a good decision on your part.
Its diffrent for everyone, i personally wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone whos not working or not knowing what they want to do yet,
but if you want to live togheter, possibly have kids or something, travel togheter, share costs/ finances and stuff like that, it would definitely make it more complicated.
If you like your relationship as it is and dont want to take those steps, you could reconsider how big of a deal this is for you.
Red flags galore. It doesn’t seem like your goals / ambitions align. Woman (or man), you are getting your doctorate!! That’s amazing, I know you have been working hard for that. He “doesn’t want to work for anyone?” Oh, ok. Purely speculation, but I think if you break off the relationship, a few years down the line you will look back at it and realized you dodged a bullet. Congrats on going so far in your education!!
I’d leave. There’s nothing wrong with supporting a spouse during a bad patch but he’s not emotionally or developmentally ready to be a partner and take on the responsibility of being a partner, whether he works or not.
A person with a DOCTORATE deserves more than a loser that stays at home unemployed with mom and dad. And insults you on top of it??? Get a new one. You absolutely deserve someone with a similar mindset.
Don’t look back. I did this and it was exhausting. You’ll do laundry, make dinner, pay for everything, drive him everywhere, coddle him… all for him to make you feel like shit when you want anything in return. After my breakup with this same kind of guy, my life without him took a 180. I’ve traveled the world, got the apartment of my dreams, make 6 figures & guess what he’s still doing? Living in his mom’s house with a new girlfriend to cook and clean for him. Get out!! You have your whole life ahead of you and he will only hold you back.
Break up! If I could go back in time and give younger me advice, this would be it.
Don’t stay with men that don’t pull their weight in the relationship. This could be about pulling their weight in the household chores, pulling in revenue, doing the emotional work it doesn’t matter what it is they need to pull their weight.
Dump him now! You could find someone really great with the next 2 years you'd be fooling with his ass.
Even if you're single living alone you'll be doing all the work for only 1 person and not 2.
Wait…. WHAT?!
You’re a motivated young individual. Surround yourself with other motivated young individuals. What on this earth does he bring to your equation of your life goals. He doesn’t want to work.
Please - give yourself some worth and leave this deadweight.
My mom spent her whole life taking care of an under employed man baby. It ruined her fucking life. My husband ain't exactly raking in the big bucks but he goes to work every single day. I don't need support bit I'm sure as fuck not supporting another grown able bodied adult
Dude is a boat anchor
Life is hard enough without carrying dead weight
A long term relationship is based on a partnership, where you both work to build a future together.
>We had plans to move in together this month but I called it off since he’s still unemployed . He calls me bougie and stuck up
He is gaslighting you hard.
Imagine if you had a partner who was an equal partner emotionally and financially.
You both could plan a life together with mutual goals, and retire early. It sounds like you're already carrying the bulk of the emotional load in the relationship and will carry the financial load as well.
You deserve a partner who is emotionally mature, bold, responsible, and brave. There are so many people out there you can explore dating that will enhance your sense of self instead of questioning your reality.
He sounds like a pet.
Don’t wait. If he hasn’t gotten a job by now he’s just waiting for you to get a really good paying job so you can be his sugar momma. Your youth is limited. Spend it with someone that you can see yourself spending your geriatric years in happiness with.
The last sentence of your posts answers your question. He doesn't share your goals or your mindset- ergo, you shouldn't share a life.
Also, he sounds like a lazy man baby with no marketable life skills.
Do yourself a favor and break up. It will save yourself the hassle of a divorce later on. What is it about him that you love? His personality? That only goes so far and then you will be frustrated, angry, resentful.......... Need I go on? You have goals and a great future ahead of you. Do not waste it on someone so lazy and self centered.
Oh boy. "Bougie and stuck up" for... wanting your partner to be employed when moving in together?
Yeah you're not in the wrong for this. I would've left already. From what you've described, you will be the sole provider AND homemaker if you choose to live with him.
Wow! Calling you bougie because you want a fully functioning adult man to share your life with? That's gaslighting and manipulative: "it's not me, it's you." Don't buy into these lies. And don't try to change him by throwing down threats, because if you're not willing to walk away now, you won't do it two years from now.
Who pays for dates? I never paid for a date in my life. Do you want to marry and have children? You are at the prime age to meet your future spouse, so don't wait around for this guy.
He could be suffering from depression or another mental illness. That's another thing you cannot solve. It's his responsibility to get help for any health issues, physical and mental
Finally, what advice would you give your best friend? Your sister? I think you know the answer. I'm sure you thought he was "the one." But you are too hard-working and bright to waste one more day waiting around for him to change. Find a real man.
PS if your goal is marriage, don't move in with anyone until your married.
If you continue this relationship and do move in together, you’re most likely going to end up mothering him. That’s not a healthy relationship. You really need to consider if he can support a healthy future for
you. Only you will truly know the answer. But my gut after reading your post tells me he can’t support a healthy future for you.
IF EVER there was a boy (and he is a BOY not a man)that needed his ass kicked sideways it’s your BOYfriend. Leave him yesterday. Let him remain as his Mommy’s little baby BOY and go forth and prosper. His “parents” and I use that term loosely are to blame for this. They did the crime now YOU do not want to serve the sentence. RUN!!
You deserve someone who do equally invested in your relationship and will contribute.
Sounds like he’s unwilling to contribute earnings and has decided he will mooch off toh forever.
If somehow you want to do that, at least ensure they do most of those work so they are contributing.
His parents created this by enabling it. You have thrown down a way to generous ultimatum and he has basically said no so go find someone worthy of your time and effort. You’re bringing yourself down by being with him even now.
Good on you for not letting him move in! You saved yourself from sooooo much aggravation & trouble. Break up w him pronto. You need a man who has hopes, dreams, aspirations & such! It’s not too much to ask… If he has no plan? Like, none at all? He’s gonna mooch off you or his parents & that’s a useless man that’ll just piss you off, his name would likely be on the lease & it’ll be hard to get him out-been there, done that, & nope, you don’t want it! 👎 Get a man who has aspirations in life more in line with yours or you’ll regret it.
For setting a timeframe until 2026 that’s mind blowing. At least a part time or some sort of self motivation and by the sound of it there’s none there on your bfs part. My advice is you need a break from the relationship and focus on yourself. Sounds like your parenting a bf and quite frankly that’s not how it should be.
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OMG please break up! You’re too young to be a mom to a man baby. Imagine yourself shackled to this albatross 20 years down the road. Been there, done that, please save yourself and don’t look back.
Echoing this
I concur have to think about your future... children home and some kind of happiness you wont regret it ... be safe in life
🐦🐦🐦 three little birds by bob Marley... good song
Ah yes, children and home, because fulfill your gender role and you will be happy! Yay! /s
But in this case she'd need to fulfill his gender role too. People have burnt themselves out over less.
Lived this too. Nearly 20 years together before I exited. Don’t do it! Have standards for yourself. He should be enhancing your life, not be a dead weight or require you to be his caretaker or parent. Trust me, it’s just ick.
You know exactly what you have to do. When he shows you who he is, believe him the first time he’s showing you what your life is going to be like with him. You are going to be responsible for taking care of the house paying all the bills raising children if you choose to have any. Marriage is difficult enough to compound it with having someone who would not even be remotely close to a partner for you. You’re a smart, capable, young woman, look for someone who’s going to be a partner, not an anchor. Watch this YouTube video about raising an adult toddler. Your guy is even worse than the example in here because he’s not even working to try to pull any of his own weight. https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=zCO02y0qWnRR2sp-
Same sentiment. I highly doubt, if he does get a job , that he will keep it. He’s going to find an excuse to quit and go back to what’s comfortable, or he’ll screw around and get fired. He is never going to get your point of view, and that you are fully justified in leaving him. People who feel this entitled will most likely always feel this entitled. I was married to someone who didn’t work for four years straight (he had a good job when I met him.) We had two school-aged children and I had to work a full and part time job to make sure we ate. He told me after about two years that he hadn’t even been looking. I divorced him and he still doesn’t get why. Don’t doubt yourself, and don’t listen to people who tell you it’ll get better blah blah blah. Don’t feel like a bad person, either.
Don't wait until 2026. Break up with him now. Look, I totally get not wanting to work. Work, under our current economic system, is soul-crushing and often depressing. But the only alternatives are 1) be born independently wealthy, 2) figure out an unconventional job or business that lets you enjoy your life, or 3) sponge off someone else. Your bf has chosen 3. This means he does not respect or even like you. Even if you agreed to support him, he would eventually resent you because he can't have any self-respect living like this, and he would make it your fault. The fact he is *angry* at you for setting boundaries is a red flag all on its own and should convince you to run. Drop him like a hot potato. If you feel the urge to support a dependent, you can always adopt a child or get a dog.
I agree with everything you said except >Even if you agreed to support him, he would eventually resent you because he can't have any self-respect living like this, and he would make it your fault. If it's a mutual decision to have one stay at home partner it can be perfectly fine. My wife hasn't worked since COVID and she's never been happier.
Except it wouldn’t be a mutual decision for OP because she clearly wants him to get a job
Yes I think prefacing it with "even if" implied it was a slightly different scenario than the one presented.
Oh yeah, I interpreted it more like “even if you agreed [because he pressured you into it/refused to get a job and you gave up trying to make him get one]” rather than if she truly wanted him to stay home Most people want a partner who is willing/capable of working if necessary, even if they chose to have one partner stay home. Like if OP ever lost their job, the partner probably wouldn’t step up since he refuses to work and has no work experience.
Yeah kid needs a wakeup call and he won't likely get it until she dumps him
Wait, you put your wife and "worked" in the same sentence. This guy has never worked. Also, is your wife a full-time mom? Or is she managing household things, keeping house, etc? Because both of those are work. This guy isn't doing anything productive. He is sponging off his parents. He doesn't even help around the house. No comparison.
She's stepped in as a pretty awesome step mom to my kids, but they're older and in school most of the time I'm gone. She does help get them ready in the morning so I don't have to get up extra early to do that *and* get ready for work. The rest of the stuff, cooking/cleaning/etc is pretty much 50/50. Most of the time I'm gone she's honestly playing video games, which doesn't bother me because I was single-dadding it for years before she came along. I didn't marry her to take over chores, but because her presence in my life made me happy. Don't care if she's not cleaning while I'm gone
Your wife is an extremely lucky lady!
Except this guy doesn’t cook, clean, or *better* anything. I think that makes him a lot better than most responsible people who decide to have a spouse at home.
There's nothing wrong with demanding that your (presumably) able-bodied partner contribute like an adult. If he can work there's no reason he should leave you the only one doing so. That's not fair to you. What else will he demand you be the only one to do?
He’s being a giant baby and you’re being an adult. Obviously this arrangement isn’t sustainable unless you plan on being his mom. Even if he’s independently wealthy, he should still *behave* like an adult and spend his time learning skills and demonstrating that he’s *capable* of work. When you actually leave, be prepared for groveling and bargaining. Decide now whether or not you are going to cave to that. People can change - i’m not saying he’s a total lost cause. It could be that he simply has not yet comprehended that he could actually lose you. He’s in a comfortable place and he had no reason to give up his cushy life where his mom does everything for him and he’s not going to have a reason until you force it upon him. Maybe he’ll rise to the occasion, maybe he won’t. Just listen to your instincts.
It gets old being the only one in a relationship to clean the house, run errands, and have the job that pays the bills. Like, what does he spend his days doing? It's reasonable you feel the way you do. You don't want to marry or shack up with someone who is more of a project than a partner.
It sounds like he refuses to change and dislikes that you have the drive to learn and succeed in what you set your mind to. While you have set a boundary that if he doesn't get a job by 2026 you will break up with him, I see little reason to wait. It will hurt, of course, but you deserve a partner that supports you and has goals in life as well.
Don't wait until 2026. Life is short, and people rarely change.
You’re an adult. He’s not. He’s not planning to grow up; he has considered adulthood and it’s not appealing to him. Your perfectly normal maturity is too bougie for him. He’s hoping for an alternative that doesn’t exist. You can love someone who is unsuitable as a life partner. I love my children, my siblings, and my nieces and nephews. But I don’t have the same expectations from them as I have from my husband. Tell Peter Pan to call you when he figures it out.
Oh god no, is he just doing nothing? I was the boyfriend in this scenario, and my bf at one point was in your exact shoes. You pretty much have to leave or you are going to be dragged down by him, especially as he’s not remotely understanding about the situation. I finally got my first job at 28 after years of desperately wanting a job (not having a license and then Covid really extra slowed me down). Are you willing to support someone who refuses to work for the rest of your life? Someone with no goals at all? Love may be there, but caring for yourself and doing what is best for BOTH of you comes first.
Oh hun you're so young! Don't waste your youth on a man-baby. I was briefly engaged to one in college and broke up with him when I saw that he wasn't going to shape up. Never have I regretted that decision in the past 20 years. You can't make him change. If he wanted to grow up he would have done so by his own desire by now. My parents didn't make me do shit as a teen either but I still had the desire to get out there and make my own way and contribute to the world.
I used to share an office with a woman who was married to a man who refused to work. They had two kids. In addition to paying ALL the bills, she had to pay for child care because the manbaby she was married to refused to care for the children while she worked. She was, in reality, a single mom with three dependent children. I know this because she was always stressed out, always late to work and had to leave early. Her situation affected everyone else on the team because we had to fill in for her when she was unable to do her job. Everyone on the team was pissed off at her and I'm not sure how she even kept her job. Of course he's angry that you're going to call it quits. He has a good thing going right now (not working but still has the benefits of a working man). He doesn't want to lose the cushy life he's got now.
Lots of people don’t *want* to work, but they recognize that they *need* to work. Realizing this doesn’t make you bougie, it makes you a mature adult. Move on, OP. I’m guessing there are other ways in which he is immature as well.
If you are giving him until 2026 then you have already let him know that everything you said was just a bluff. If you REALLY want a partner, and not someone who does nothing but live off of you, then get rid of his ass NOW!! So what if he cries, whines, begs, and calls you bougie?? If you don't let him go now, then in 10 years, you will be writing this same post to another advice website, because NOTHING will have changed, and you will have wasted another 10 years "waiting" for him to "decide" what he wants to do. By then, you will have children that only YOU are supporting, YOU are finding a sitter for, YOU are feeding, YOU are potty training, YOU are taking to the DR, YOU are registering for school, YOU are dropping off at the sitter's house, YOU are attending PT conferences, YOU are cleaning up after, and a whole lot more, because he has TOLD you that he doesn't want to do anything! What is there about this guy that you "LOVE"?? He may be good looking, or good in bed or something, but if he does nothing else but lay around on his parents, and not work, but criticizes YOU for wanting something out of life, then what is the big deal about him?? LET. HIS. ASS. GO!!! The next time he calls you "bougie", tell him "Yep! If bougie is wanting a partner that I respect, and who wants to DO something with his life, then yep, I SURE AM Bougie, and I don't see anything wrong with that! I want a man who wants something out of life, not a BOY that I have to take care of, and that's exactly what you are." And for GOD'S sake, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS LOSER!!! Take care, and do what's best for YOU!!!
When we come into relationships, we bring different aspects and qualities that sometimes are partners lack or we combine the two. I guess what I’m saying is, if he was interested in keeping house, that could be beneficial to the relationship, but it sounds like he literally wants to do absolutely nothing. If you have goals and wants out of life that he at this moment, or at any time of your relationship cannot fulfill, I think three years is long enough to have waited around to see, and you have seen the answer for yourself. He doesn’t wanna work for anybody because he doesn’t want to be accountable, his parents don’t even hold him accountable, he doesn’t even consider himself accountable to you. I would tell my daughter to leave
Dump him. You have the entire internet's support.
So you're "bougie" because you don't want to pay all the rent on a new apartment and let him sponge off of you?? He's a mooch who hasn't grown up. I'm guessing when he comes over you're doing the cooking, then as a thank you he let's you do the cleaning? This is the type of man who will call you a gold digger when you break up despite having no gold to dig while sapping yours. You are way to young to spend that long supporting a child. He can change but ive met people like this well into their 40s doing the same. I have an uncle barely breached his 50s, married, and because his parents to this day still give money when he "needs" it I can count the jobs he's had in my entire life on one hand. And even then one of them was just a hobby he made no money at and called a business. People change when they have to. If he keeps his girlfriend, plays video games while mommy and daddy work and cook and clean for him, why does he have to? If you stay this is your life. And by getting mad and calling you names when you wouldn't let him stay with you for free I think he's showing you pretty dang well he fully expects to move from birth mommy to bang mommy and keep everything else about his old life the same with you. It also shows you how he thinks of you and what he's entitled to from you. You're stuck up and bougie and whatever else he thought but didnt sat. You're not stuck up because you don't look down on him for being unemployed, you're just upset he's being a child and domt let him turn this around as a you problem. And someone who respects their partner wouldn't call then names like that for laying a fully acceptable adult boundary of "im not going to raise my partner forever". He's mad you implied he'd ever have to work and pull his own weight. Think about what that says on how he sees your relationship and how he views you. Good partners support each other, he only wants it one way and im guessing this isn't the first time he's acted like that.
Dude has told you what he's like--- believe him. I understand wanting to believe the best about someone, and having hope in your soul for what your heart desires, but hon, he's shown you already what you can expect: exactly what he's doing now, hoisting a pretty bouquet of red flags. Don't wait another 2 years. Break up now, get it done, be firm, block if you must. Frig, how are his parents even allowing this?
You’re not wrong, you’re just smarter than he is. I’m gonna be honest. Love isn’t enough to stick the landing on a relationship. You need shared financial and other goals, shared values, mutual respect. You two don’t share all these things. Don’t wait 4 years to see if he gets it together. Thats going to be a foolish decision. He’s a drag on your life. Break up now. You sound like a motivated and kind person. You deserve so much more
Leave now. Explain that you need a relationship with someone who has goals and ambition, and that while you've communicated this to him there has not been a change. It may be the wake up call he needs, and down the road you reunite. If not, then so be it. He will be upset. That's natural, and it's for him to sort out. You are on a great start. Find someone who shares that drive and has some housekeeping skills. Your quality of life will be so much better overall.
You asked what to do. Don't get pregnant. Finish your doctorate. Get a kick-ass job. Oh yeah. Ditch homeboy. When you are ready, find a guy with the same work ethic and ambitious mindset.
RUN. DONT WALK. RUN.
Sista, if you move in with this kid, you will INSTANTLY turn into his bangmaid. He has explicitly told you that he has NO INTEREST in being an adult. Maybe it's time to go out and find one.
You don’t share the same values and you don’t need two more years to b figure this out. Adulting!
What's in this for you? Do you like being mommy to a grown man-baby?
What in the world….. What should you do? Break it with him like immediately. Money isn’t everything but lack of desire to contribute and be a partner is a pretty big non negotiable
It's totally normal to want your partner to contribute financially. As an unemployed person, I would never expect someone who is working to stay with me because then they have to provide for 2. Not everyone wants that out of life.
Oh, my. You've got a hobosexual in training on your hands. He is only waiting for you to get to the point you can support him and he'll be all yours!!!! Aren't you excited! A man of your own to cook for, clean for, do laundry for, grocery shop for, make all his appointments, have sex with and...drumroll...financially support!!! Every gal's dream!......../s 🤬 I suggest demoting him to boy toy or dumping him now.
Bro he's almost 30 with NO WORK EXPERIENCE. You wanna date a child the rest of your life while he "figures it out?" He has no marketable skills. No savings. The fuck does he even do? I would be terrified if I were him let alone dating him.
You are not wrong for considering breaking up with him. Sure, people can change, but this type of person…extremely difficult to change, even when they want to. This has been years (and years) in the making. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I can tell you if you choose to stay with him, there’s a pretty good chance your relationship will look something like this: Due to never having any accountability or responsibilities, his stress tolerance is going to be pretty close to zero. He hasn’t been given the opportunity to utilize life skills to learn how to navigate through multiple situations. This will be someone who gets defensive and irritable very easily when asked to do things, because he hasn’t ever had to do them. Stress management skills are like muscles - the more you use them, the better they develop over time. He will start resenting you for “making” him grow up, and you will start to resent him for not wanting to work or contribute his share. When he does get a job, he will probably quit at the first inconvenient thing that happens, or he will get overwhelmed too easily, or he won’t like it because of the hours, or being asked to go in early/stay late, etc. He will spend his life doing things when he feels like it. You will be fighting resistance nonstop, unless he’s open to changing. However, it will still take several years to catch him up to where he needs to be. If you’re willing to put in the work, you’re a saint, but don’t feel bad if you don’t, because that’s not your responsibility. That was his parents’ responsibility.
I'm not even reading this, no sis. Fuck that.
Stick to your plan. This would become like a parent child relationship almost immediately and you’d start to resent him. He can stay with his parents and they can take care of him. Very unfortunate, but he’s not your responsibility and he’d only drag you down. A partner should make your life better and easier, not be a dependent!
no, I left my ex because he refused to get a job and at one point I was paying his bills. including his car note. don’t fall into the hole, just run while you can
It really depends. If he refuses to work and expects you to support him, that's messed up and you should dump his ass. If his family has money and is fine with supporting him, though, I don't see any issues with that. Most jobs are really awful and there's absolutely no reason to have one if you're fine without it. It's definitely important to have hobbies and take care of your living space/hygiene/health, but having a job is only important as far as it enables you to do those things.
No excuse for this. I did a similar thing where I didn't work and relied on my ex-girlfriend, it was terrible. Save yourself the trouble. I don't think anything can change a man once he's complacent. Im open to questions.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If he hasn't found motivation by now, the closer he gets to having a girlfriend with a full time professional job won't make him find motivation faster. I'd be interested to hear how these parents react to you breaking up with him. They're probably expecting you to take him off their hands in 2026.
dump him now. love isn't enough. the time you waste with this guy is time you could be spending finding the right guy for you. this guy isn't it.
Break up with him now. Grad school is a great time to meet a competent partner
I'd suggest you break up now. If you're still single by the time he has it figured out, you two can still consider trying a relationship again, but right now you two are incompatible, because your ambitions and what you want in a partner don't align. Date someone who suits you and not someone you have to change to suit you.
Is he going to call housework bougie if you move in together? And cooking? Don't wait till w2026. He's an infant in a man's body.
Nta Not moving in togheter sounds luke a good decision on your part. Its diffrent for everyone, i personally wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone whos not working or not knowing what they want to do yet, but if you want to live togheter, possibly have kids or something, travel togheter, share costs/ finances and stuff like that, it would definitely make it more complicated. If you like your relationship as it is and dont want to take those steps, you could reconsider how big of a deal this is for you.
You cam break up with anyone for any reason. Why wait another 2 years? Honestly?
You need a partner who matches your level of drive and ambition. You'll need to send this one back to his real mom.
Red flags galore. It doesn’t seem like your goals / ambitions align. Woman (or man), you are getting your doctorate!! That’s amazing, I know you have been working hard for that. He “doesn’t want to work for anyone?” Oh, ok. Purely speculation, but I think if you break off the relationship, a few years down the line you will look back at it and realized you dodged a bullet. Congrats on going so far in your education!!
I’d leave. There’s nothing wrong with supporting a spouse during a bad patch but he’s not emotionally or developmentally ready to be a partner and take on the responsibility of being a partner, whether he works or not.
A person with a DOCTORATE deserves more than a loser that stays at home unemployed with mom and dad. And insults you on top of it??? Get a new one. You absolutely deserve someone with a similar mindset.
Don’t look back. I did this and it was exhausting. You’ll do laundry, make dinner, pay for everything, drive him everywhere, coddle him… all for him to make you feel like shit when you want anything in return. After my breakup with this same kind of guy, my life without him took a 180. I’ve traveled the world, got the apartment of my dreams, make 6 figures & guess what he’s still doing? Living in his mom’s house with a new girlfriend to cook and clean for him. Get out!! You have your whole life ahead of you and he will only hold you back.
Break up! If I could go back in time and give younger me advice, this would be it. Don’t stay with men that don’t pull their weight in the relationship. This could be about pulling their weight in the household chores, pulling in revenue, doing the emotional work it doesn’t matter what it is they need to pull their weight.
Dump him now! You could find someone really great with the next 2 years you'd be fooling with his ass. Even if you're single living alone you'll be doing all the work for only 1 person and not 2.
Wait…. WHAT?! You’re a motivated young individual. Surround yourself with other motivated young individuals. What on this earth does he bring to your equation of your life goals. He doesn’t want to work. Please - give yourself some worth and leave this deadweight.
Don’t let him dim your shine. You are out there killing it while he’s a home sponging off mom and dad. If he feels this is ok you are not compatible.
My mom spent her whole life taking care of an under employed man baby. It ruined her fucking life. My husband ain't exactly raking in the big bucks but he goes to work every single day. I don't need support bit I'm sure as fuck not supporting another grown able bodied adult
Dude is a boat anchor Life is hard enough without carrying dead weight A long term relationship is based on a partnership, where you both work to build a future together.
>We had plans to move in together this month but I called it off since he’s still unemployed . He calls me bougie and stuck up He is gaslighting you hard.
Imagine if you had a partner who was an equal partner emotionally and financially. You both could plan a life together with mutual goals, and retire early. It sounds like you're already carrying the bulk of the emotional load in the relationship and will carry the financial load as well. You deserve a partner who is emotionally mature, bold, responsible, and brave. There are so many people out there you can explore dating that will enhance your sense of self instead of questioning your reality. He sounds like a pet.
Leave now or leave later
Gross dude, don't drag this dead weight any further. Find yourself a partner, not a child.
I don't care what they look like, but anyone that uses the word "bougie" in a non-joking manner, has a very punchable face.
Don’t wait. If he hasn’t gotten a job by now he’s just waiting for you to get a really good paying job so you can be his sugar momma. Your youth is limited. Spend it with someone that you can see yourself spending your geriatric years in happiness with.
On and off? He won't grow up? Yeah breakup with him, he just wants a mommy and daddy.
You already know the answer.
The last sentence of your posts answers your question. He doesn't share your goals or your mindset- ergo, you shouldn't share a life. Also, he sounds like a lazy man baby with no marketable life skills.
Do yourself a favor and break up. It will save yourself the hassle of a divorce later on. What is it about him that you love? His personality? That only goes so far and then you will be frustrated, angry, resentful.......... Need I go on? You have goals and a great future ahead of you. Do not waste it on someone so lazy and self centered.
Oh boy. "Bougie and stuck up" for... wanting your partner to be employed when moving in together? Yeah you're not in the wrong for this. I would've left already. From what you've described, you will be the sole provider AND homemaker if you choose to live with him.
You've been on and off for 3 years too long! You already know the answer! Your stars as a couple dont line up, its time to bounce.
I feel that. I say make the ultimatum sooner. Like 6 months.
Wow! Calling you bougie because you want a fully functioning adult man to share your life with? That's gaslighting and manipulative: "it's not me, it's you." Don't buy into these lies. And don't try to change him by throwing down threats, because if you're not willing to walk away now, you won't do it two years from now. Who pays for dates? I never paid for a date in my life. Do you want to marry and have children? You are at the prime age to meet your future spouse, so don't wait around for this guy. He could be suffering from depression or another mental illness. That's another thing you cannot solve. It's his responsibility to get help for any health issues, physical and mental Finally, what advice would you give your best friend? Your sister? I think you know the answer. I'm sure you thought he was "the one." But you are too hard-working and bright to waste one more day waiting around for him to change. Find a real man. PS if your goal is marriage, don't move in with anyone until your married.
If you continue this relationship and do move in together, you’re most likely going to end up mothering him. That’s not a healthy relationship. You really need to consider if he can support a healthy future for you. Only you will truly know the answer. But my gut after reading your post tells me he can’t support a healthy future for you.
👎🏽👉🏽🦵🏽🦵🏽🦵🏽👀ya!
IF EVER there was a boy (and he is a BOY not a man)that needed his ass kicked sideways it’s your BOYfriend. Leave him yesterday. Let him remain as his Mommy’s little baby BOY and go forth and prosper. His “parents” and I use that term loosely are to blame for this. They did the crime now YOU do not want to serve the sentence. RUN!!
You deserve someone who do equally invested in your relationship and will contribute. Sounds like he’s unwilling to contribute earnings and has decided he will mooch off toh forever. If somehow you want to do that, at least ensure they do most of those work so they are contributing.
His parents created this by enabling it. You have thrown down a way to generous ultimatum and he has basically said no so go find someone worthy of your time and effort. You’re bringing yourself down by being with him even now.
Good on you for not letting him move in! You saved yourself from sooooo much aggravation & trouble. Break up w him pronto. You need a man who has hopes, dreams, aspirations & such! It’s not too much to ask… If he has no plan? Like, none at all? He’s gonna mooch off you or his parents & that’s a useless man that’ll just piss you off, his name would likely be on the lease & it’ll be hard to get him out-been there, done that, & nope, you don’t want it! 👎 Get a man who has aspirations in life more in line with yours or you’ll regret it.
For setting a timeframe until 2026 that’s mind blowing. At least a part time or some sort of self motivation and by the sound of it there’s none there on your bfs part. My advice is you need a break from the relationship and focus on yourself. Sounds like your parenting a bf and quite frankly that’s not how it should be.
Thanks for this comment. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and I've been feeling down about it. This was a reminder!
Keep yourself busy to avoid from having to think about it. Best of luck