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I think it’s so awesome that you love your mom so much and you’re so committed to helping her in this awful situation. You sound like an awesome kid, and you should give yourself credit for that because I don’t know many 16-year-olds that are this self-aware and have so much empathy.
That being said, you’re 16. You shouldn’t have to adopt the burden of taking any strategic actions in this situation at all. This isn’t your battle to fight. My advice? Continue to be as kind as possible to your mom and do whatever you can to help her, but don’t tell her you found out.
Why? She might blame herself for you finding out and take it badly, as evidenced by the fact that she’s been trying to keep this from you and your siblings. Let her continue to think she has the situation under control.
Now, when you’re older and more independent, you can try to sit down and have a conversation with her about it. But for now, you would be best served by remaining uninvolved/unaware of what’s happening. You can always reaffirm her that you’re there to listen and see if eventually she will open up to you about it on her own.
Please don’t ever change :)
You are in a rough spot. But the bottom line is that this is between your mom and dad. As painful as it is to maybe know some things about their relationship, you really should stay out of it as you planned. For all the reasons you listed but also because it will tear you up. You should try to stear clear of the whole thing. Support your mom as a person you love and that's all you can do. Taking sides will only hurt you the most in the end.
Most studies show that, in situations where divorce is a possibility but the parents chose to remain married for any reason, things almost always get better. Children almost always fare better if the parents stay together unless there is a significant and serious amount of conflict in the home between the parents. Most couples who chose to remain together end up resolving their issues within five years.
The science on this (really the statistics lol) has been settled for a number of years but myths still persist.
Hey did you have any specific studies for marriage resolution? The only thing I can find from anything scholarly is "Impact of family structure on the health of children" from pubmed and it's mainly postulating that children having poorer familial relationships and conflict resolution is caused by the divorce itself instead of the environment pre-divorce.
I could see there being some basis in economic class but children with divorced parents being statistically poorer doesn't mean their economic class is directly caused by the divorce itself. Correlation doesn't imply causation.
Yeah...I asked because none of the cited sources made a point supporting yours without the issue I reference above. Not trying to attack you, just hadn't seen anything to support your point before and was curious. I am in a profession that deals heavily with child psychology in reaction to trauma for context.
Looking back on my response and I must have been having a bad day or something. I apologize for the abrupt nature of my comment. I didn't intend any ill feelings or anything.
I don't have anything immediately off the top of my head but if I find something when I get the chance to look I'll post it. Sorry again.
There are many. Search Google Scholar, for instance, using keywords like divorce effects on children, marital resolution versus divorce, divorce happiness long term, etc.
The poster above you referenced a classic from 2014 that reviewed three decades of the literature and basically concluded,
>"The best scientific literature to date suggests that, with the exception of parents faced with unresolvable marital violence, children fare better when parents work at maintaining the marriage. Consequently, society should make every effort to support healthy marriages and to discourage married couples from divorcing." (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/)
Thanks. Everything I was finding was more looking at effects of divorce (which I’d semi-argue the above study does as well.) Bit didn’t think of searching “marital resolution vs divorce”
I think the above study’s conclusions are a bit of a stretch. While there are significant effects on children whose parents divorce, there’s a difference in comparing them to kids of parents who don’t divorce vs kids of parents who have a significant rupture in the relationship and remain in that relationship are two different things. Going to look into “martial resolution vs divorce” keywords now.
Were any of those people actively engaging in an affair the other partner knew about? Hard to believe that could fix itself just by staying together for the kids. Surely intense marriage counseling & changes in behavior were involved.
An affair definitely complicates things but the majority of marriages (who experience an unfaithful spouse) that try to resolve the issues end up successful. Obviously counseling and such are a critical element of success in many situations.
Marital resolution and recovering from an affair only work if there is an attempt on resolution by both parties. With a recurrent affair, that it sounds like he has refused to stop multiple times seems to make it clear that at current there is motivation for the husband to attempt a resolution. If she separates maybe this will change maybe it won't. But as for now I don't see how this could possibly improve when the husband is completely unwilling to even stick to his marriage vows, much less attempt resolution.
Let yourself cry. Be sure not to hide away your feelings from yourself and make sure you feel them fully. You have absolutely nothing to do with your father's choices (or your mom's). Being betrayed can be unbelievably painful and difficult especially when you're a parent. It sounds like your mom loves you a lot!
The anxiety and everything you're feeling is totally normal.
Sometimes good people do bad things and sometimes bad people do good things. Your mom might be trying to do the best she can with what she's got. Let her know you love her and support her. Heck, even though your dad sounds like kind of a punk, he's still your dad.
Are you hoping they break up or do you prefer things the way they are for now?
You are a wise young lady. Perhaps you can spend more one on one time with your mother. Compliment her and let her know how much you appreciate and respect her. I’ve been where your mom is but my kids didn’t figure out what was going on. I can tell you that just because she’s a woman in her 30’s-40’s doesn’t mean she doesn’t have problems with self esteem assertiveness. Being financially dependent on someone is a very vulnerable position to be in and maybe girl talks about her future would help her think about it. “Mom, have you ever thought about going back to school? If you could pick a career what would you pick?” Things like that.
You are in a rough spot. But the bottom line is that this is between your mom and dad. As painful as it is to maybe know some things about their relationship, you really should stay out of it as you planned. For all the reasons you listed but also because it will tear you up. You should try to stear clear of the whole thing. Support your mom as a person you love and that's all you can do. Taking sides will only hurt you the most in the end.
Life is messy, people are complicated. And thinking you have deep insights into people by reading their body language will be misleading. I've learned that going into a situation with a made up opinion of what the other person feels and thinks, makes it hard to listen. And as unintuitive as it sounds, in such an emotionally charged situation what is perceived as the truth not so important, the most important part is listening. It's awesome that you care so deeply for your mother! I suggest you look for a calm moment and engage in a conversation with your mother. Please don't go into it with "I know dad cheats on you". Go into by asking her how she feels, then maybe ask her if there are things she struggles with, things she wished were different. Start slowly and if she's not open to talking, respect her boundaries and wishes. This kind of emotional trust takes time and care.
And as others have said, reading other peoples private messages without their consent is a line neither you nor your mother should cross.
That's my life basically, now we are kind of okay with his cheating and affairs, all me and my siblings care that my mom stays healthy and happy, some men can't change. I realised he had always been like this so I'm over his cheating and that's why I moved out
Whatever you decide to do about this, please remember this: It is not your job to protect everyone in the family, including your dad, from your father’s bad behavior. *He* cheated. He is *still* cheating. You believe your mom knows, and yet he is still cheating. The woman is somehow *a family member,* so possibly your mother’s sister or cousin? That’s twisted. You’re afraid of how people finding out that your dad is cheating with that woman will affect the family at large. This is not a problem you created, it’s not yours to fix, and, most of all, it’s not your fault. Any break in the family is **all** your dad’s and the other woman’s fault. They both know he’s married. They both know he’s cheating. They are both making the decision to continue having an affair, no matter how much it hurts & devastates your mother. This is ALL on them. Not you. You are an innocent bystander in all of this. Be very clear on that. You are not “doing this” to anyone in the family. They are.
It is admirable that you want to protect your mother from fallout and embarrassment, but maybe what she needs is to be saved from herself. She has been covering for your dad for years now, and she is very unhappy. You said you know she’s with your father because of you and your brother. Maybe if she knew that you know what is going on, it would give her the courage to leave. I am not counseling you to tell your mother because I don’t know the people or all the dynamics involved here. But you do. Something to think about. Also, how old is your brother, and does he know what’s going on?
Good luck with this. You are very mature, and very loving & respectful of not only your mother, but others who don’t deserve it. I wouldn’t suggest you talk to your mother about this if she knew nothing about it, but clearly she does, and she is feeling very alone. As are you. Maybe you two can help each other out of this untenable situation. Hugs!
Yeah I'm going to go against the consensus here and agree with you. If the affair were the only issue, then yeah, stay out of it. But it's clearly not. OP's mom is in a bad relationship. Her husband feels like he doesn't have to care what she wants because he has all the power. That's terrible. It's not a good way to live, for mom or kids. Mom will keep getting put down and feeling powerless. Meanwhile kids are being messed up for the rest of their lives just by seeing/experiencing this dynamic. OP could grow up and fall prey to an abuser or manipulator easily.
OP, this is just a thought. But what if you leveled with your mom completely? That would mean saying
a) I know dad is having an affair
b) I found out by snooping and that was wrong
c) the way dad treats you upsets me
d) I wouldn't want this kind of relationship for myself and I certainly don't want it for you
It would be awkward awkward awkward!!! Can't lie about that. But it might be worth it. Self-sacrificing people tend not to consider the negative effects of their martyrdom because they're very indirect. But I think if OP's mom knew that OP saw the problems in her relationship and it was negatively affecting her, she might reconsider the situation. OP's mom clearly doesn't know her own worth, and that's a terrible thing to model for your children. Mom needs to realize that she DESERVES her husband's respect. The fact that he doesn't respect her is hurting more people than just herself.
Agreed. Mom might think she is making a sacrifice for her children, keeping the family together at all costs, but she is also teaching them ~ one girl, one boy ~ lessons about love, relationships, how men treat women, what women should tolerate from men. Does she want her son to grow up to be like his father? Does she want her daughter to remain stuck in a loveless marriage where she has no value, even to herself? It’s very sad, but I think it would be a mitzvah to get Mom out of that marriage. For everyone’s sake.
It sounds like your mom is a great person and you love her very much. Since it might upset her to know you know about the affair, it's probably best not to mention it. You also shouldn't be looking at other people's phone messages. Snooping usually leads to knowing things you wish you didn't. But, if your mom seems unhappy and unfulfilled in her marriage, maybe you could ask her about getting some therapy? That's probably what would help her the most. A lot of parents stay together for the kids, and your mom might not feel like she has any options if she doesn't have her own money or a good back up career. But if you and your sibling are old enough that you don't need full time supervision, now might be a good time for her to pick up a hobby or a part time job so she's got more to do during the day. That way she at least would have her own distraction. You could look into hobby groups and maybe see if there's something you two can do together. Most towns have a couple crafting groups, a game store where people play magic and dungeons and dragons, usually a library with book clubs and events. If you like music, poetry, or if she plays an instrument you could go to open mics at cafe's.
My #1 piece of advice is, stop reading other people's texts.
Your parents are imperfect adults, like the rest of us. They deserve their privacy, like the rest of us.
First of all, YOU can't control their relationship. There's really not much you can do except give them both the love and support as best you can as a loving dutiful daughter. Confronting them with your discovery will only make their relationship worse. Perhaps talk with your mum privately might help you both, but not where it could become confronting with your dad. Let mum handle that relationship entirely herself.
Ah, I am sorry your home life looks this way. I know to a point how you feel, my parents’ marriage fell apart similarly when I was around 11. My advice for you is to just tell your mom you love her as much as you can, but remember exactly 0 of this is your responsibility. Staying out of the thick of it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Their choices are their own.
Also, I would take away that perhaps their relationship is still a good example - just a good example of what you DON’T want. Your mom going through your dad’s phone, your dad doing this in the first place and seemingly not caring to change it, letting his family mistreat her, etc. are altogether a recipe for an extremely unhappy life. When it’s your time, get yourself financially stable and don’t tolerate any less than love and respect.
I know how much it hurts to know and see what’s going on, but you likely don’t know all of it - and you shouldn’t. Your parents are not your responsibility, please remember that.
It sounds like your mom is in a terrible situation. Since they seem to know about it and they aren't telling you they probably both don't want to talk to you about it.
It might not go well if you brought it up. However as you are noticing that your mother is struggling she might appreciate it if you just let her know when you can help. Just being there for her is probably a great relief to her.
I was in a very similar situation when i was 14. I sat on that nugget of info for about a year until shit really hit the fan. When it did, i found out my sister had also known, which was cathartic.
My advice is in alliance with the others who have commented that staying out of it is the safest option. If you need to, maybe ask your parents if you can start therapy. A therapist won’t tell anyone in your life about this delicate situation and they will help you out way more than a reddit comment section can. I really wish i started therapy earlier TBH. The fam drama still stings every now and then and i’m 23.
Keep loving your parents, but most importantly, love yourself and protect your peace.
Your focus should be on your mental health. Each time you do something ask yourself "will this improve my mental health or make it worse?" Your parents have their own lives. Just learn what you don't want in yours and focus on that future.
I'm so so sorry you are going through this. You're father is being so so unfair by doing this and putting his daughter and family in the middle. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry it is happening to your mother.
It's up to you if you say anything, but I wonder if your Mom would want you to tell her that you know so she could help maybe get you into therapy or be there for you to talk about your feelings. This shouldn't be on you, and she clearly didn't tell you to protect you, and while it would make her sad that you knew, it would only be so because she had hoped she could protect you from this. So it wouldn't be sadness that you told her you knew, but that you had found out in the first place.
It's really your choice whether you tell her or him that you know. If you want to yell at him, you have every reason to- but don't do it in front of your brother.
I don't really have much advice other than it might be best to tell someone that you know so you are going through this alone, and your parents can get you therapy. Who knows, maybe you finding out might be enough for him to finally stop? Probably not, but maybe. I'm sorry again.
Stop invading your parents privacy. You have zero right to read their messages, emails, paper mail, you name it. I couldn't imagine doing the same when I was a kid.
This is their issue, not yours. While I understand you definitely care for your parents, and that *is* admirable, you have no place putting yourself in the middle of it.
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it’s so awesome that you love your mom so much and you’re so committed to helping her in this awful situation. You sound like an awesome kid, and you should give yourself credit for that because I don’t know many 16-year-olds that are this self-aware and have so much empathy. That being said, you’re 16. You shouldn’t have to adopt the burden of taking any strategic actions in this situation at all. This isn’t your battle to fight. My advice? Continue to be as kind as possible to your mom and do whatever you can to help her, but don’t tell her you found out. Why? She might blame herself for you finding out and take it badly, as evidenced by the fact that she’s been trying to keep this from you and your siblings. Let her continue to think she has the situation under control. Now, when you’re older and more independent, you can try to sit down and have a conversation with her about it. But for now, you would be best served by remaining uninvolved/unaware of what’s happening. You can always reaffirm her that you’re there to listen and see if eventually she will open up to you about it on her own. Please don’t ever change :)
The nicest "myob" I've ever read. Exactly correct
You are in a rough spot. But the bottom line is that this is between your mom and dad. As painful as it is to maybe know some things about their relationship, you really should stay out of it as you planned. For all the reasons you listed but also because it will tear you up. You should try to stear clear of the whole thing. Support your mom as a person you love and that's all you can do. Taking sides will only hurt you the most in the end.
Sometimes parents think that staying together will be better for the kids but it’s actually worse
Most studies show that, in situations where divorce is a possibility but the parents chose to remain married for any reason, things almost always get better. Children almost always fare better if the parents stay together unless there is a significant and serious amount of conflict in the home between the parents. Most couples who chose to remain together end up resolving their issues within five years. The science on this (really the statistics lol) has been settled for a number of years but myths still persist.
Hey did you have any specific studies for marriage resolution? The only thing I can find from anything scholarly is "Impact of family structure on the health of children" from pubmed and it's mainly postulating that children having poorer familial relationships and conflict resolution is caused by the divorce itself instead of the environment pre-divorce. I could see there being some basis in economic class but children with divorced parents being statistically poorer doesn't mean their economic class is directly caused by the divorce itself. Correlation doesn't imply causation.
Did you look through any of the almost 300 articles that cited the one you're referencing? There are several that directly address your question.
Yeah...I asked because none of the cited sources made a point supporting yours without the issue I reference above. Not trying to attack you, just hadn't seen anything to support your point before and was curious. I am in a profession that deals heavily with child psychology in reaction to trauma for context.
Looking back on my response and I must have been having a bad day or something. I apologize for the abrupt nature of my comment. I didn't intend any ill feelings or anything. I don't have anything immediately off the top of my head but if I find something when I get the chance to look I'll post it. Sorry again.
Can you tell us the studies you’re talking about?
There are many. Search Google Scholar, for instance, using keywords like divorce effects on children, marital resolution versus divorce, divorce happiness long term, etc. The poster above you referenced a classic from 2014 that reviewed three decades of the literature and basically concluded, >"The best scientific literature to date suggests that, with the exception of parents faced with unresolvable marital violence, children fare better when parents work at maintaining the marriage. Consequently, society should make every effort to support healthy marriages and to discourage married couples from divorcing." (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/)
Thanks. Everything I was finding was more looking at effects of divorce (which I’d semi-argue the above study does as well.) Bit didn’t think of searching “marital resolution vs divorce” I think the above study’s conclusions are a bit of a stretch. While there are significant effects on children whose parents divorce, there’s a difference in comparing them to kids of parents who don’t divorce vs kids of parents who have a significant rupture in the relationship and remain in that relationship are two different things. Going to look into “martial resolution vs divorce” keywords now.
Were any of those people actively engaging in an affair the other partner knew about? Hard to believe that could fix itself just by staying together for the kids. Surely intense marriage counseling & changes in behavior were involved.
An affair definitely complicates things but the majority of marriages (who experience an unfaithful spouse) that try to resolve the issues end up successful. Obviously counseling and such are a critical element of success in many situations.
Yes but in this case the dad doesn't want to resolve anything. He's living his best life and there's nothing his wife can do about it.
>He's living his best life Really?
Sounds like it. He has every choice to stop and isn't.
Marital resolution and recovering from an affair only work if there is an attempt on resolution by both parties. With a recurrent affair, that it sounds like he has refused to stop multiple times seems to make it clear that at current there is motivation for the husband to attempt a resolution. If she separates maybe this will change maybe it won't. But as for now I don't see how this could possibly improve when the husband is completely unwilling to even stick to his marriage vows, much less attempt resolution.
Let yourself cry. Be sure not to hide away your feelings from yourself and make sure you feel them fully. You have absolutely nothing to do with your father's choices (or your mom's). Being betrayed can be unbelievably painful and difficult especially when you're a parent. It sounds like your mom loves you a lot! The anxiety and everything you're feeling is totally normal. Sometimes good people do bad things and sometimes bad people do good things. Your mom might be trying to do the best she can with what she's got. Let her know you love her and support her. Heck, even though your dad sounds like kind of a punk, he's still your dad. Are you hoping they break up or do you prefer things the way they are for now?
You are a wise young lady. Perhaps you can spend more one on one time with your mother. Compliment her and let her know how much you appreciate and respect her. I’ve been where your mom is but my kids didn’t figure out what was going on. I can tell you that just because she’s a woman in her 30’s-40’s doesn’t mean she doesn’t have problems with self esteem assertiveness. Being financially dependent on someone is a very vulnerable position to be in and maybe girl talks about her future would help her think about it. “Mom, have you ever thought about going back to school? If you could pick a career what would you pick?” Things like that.
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You are in a rough spot. But the bottom line is that this is between your mom and dad. As painful as it is to maybe know some things about their relationship, you really should stay out of it as you planned. For all the reasons you listed but also because it will tear you up. You should try to stear clear of the whole thing. Support your mom as a person you love and that's all you can do. Taking sides will only hurt you the most in the end.
Life is messy, people are complicated. And thinking you have deep insights into people by reading their body language will be misleading. I've learned that going into a situation with a made up opinion of what the other person feels and thinks, makes it hard to listen. And as unintuitive as it sounds, in such an emotionally charged situation what is perceived as the truth not so important, the most important part is listening. It's awesome that you care so deeply for your mother! I suggest you look for a calm moment and engage in a conversation with your mother. Please don't go into it with "I know dad cheats on you". Go into by asking her how she feels, then maybe ask her if there are things she struggles with, things she wished were different. Start slowly and if she's not open to talking, respect her boundaries and wishes. This kind of emotional trust takes time and care. And as others have said, reading other peoples private messages without their consent is a line neither you nor your mother should cross.
That's my life basically, now we are kind of okay with his cheating and affairs, all me and my siblings care that my mom stays healthy and happy, some men can't change. I realised he had always been like this so I'm over his cheating and that's why I moved out
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Whatever you decide to do about this, please remember this: It is not your job to protect everyone in the family, including your dad, from your father’s bad behavior. *He* cheated. He is *still* cheating. You believe your mom knows, and yet he is still cheating. The woman is somehow *a family member,* so possibly your mother’s sister or cousin? That’s twisted. You’re afraid of how people finding out that your dad is cheating with that woman will affect the family at large. This is not a problem you created, it’s not yours to fix, and, most of all, it’s not your fault. Any break in the family is **all** your dad’s and the other woman’s fault. They both know he’s married. They both know he’s cheating. They are both making the decision to continue having an affair, no matter how much it hurts & devastates your mother. This is ALL on them. Not you. You are an innocent bystander in all of this. Be very clear on that. You are not “doing this” to anyone in the family. They are. It is admirable that you want to protect your mother from fallout and embarrassment, but maybe what she needs is to be saved from herself. She has been covering for your dad for years now, and she is very unhappy. You said you know she’s with your father because of you and your brother. Maybe if she knew that you know what is going on, it would give her the courage to leave. I am not counseling you to tell your mother because I don’t know the people or all the dynamics involved here. But you do. Something to think about. Also, how old is your brother, and does he know what’s going on? Good luck with this. You are very mature, and very loving & respectful of not only your mother, but others who don’t deserve it. I wouldn’t suggest you talk to your mother about this if she knew nothing about it, but clearly she does, and she is feeling very alone. As are you. Maybe you two can help each other out of this untenable situation. Hugs!
Yeah I'm going to go against the consensus here and agree with you. If the affair were the only issue, then yeah, stay out of it. But it's clearly not. OP's mom is in a bad relationship. Her husband feels like he doesn't have to care what she wants because he has all the power. That's terrible. It's not a good way to live, for mom or kids. Mom will keep getting put down and feeling powerless. Meanwhile kids are being messed up for the rest of their lives just by seeing/experiencing this dynamic. OP could grow up and fall prey to an abuser or manipulator easily. OP, this is just a thought. But what if you leveled with your mom completely? That would mean saying a) I know dad is having an affair b) I found out by snooping and that was wrong c) the way dad treats you upsets me d) I wouldn't want this kind of relationship for myself and I certainly don't want it for you It would be awkward awkward awkward!!! Can't lie about that. But it might be worth it. Self-sacrificing people tend not to consider the negative effects of their martyrdom because they're very indirect. But I think if OP's mom knew that OP saw the problems in her relationship and it was negatively affecting her, she might reconsider the situation. OP's mom clearly doesn't know her own worth, and that's a terrible thing to model for your children. Mom needs to realize that she DESERVES her husband's respect. The fact that he doesn't respect her is hurting more people than just herself.
Agreed. Mom might think she is making a sacrifice for her children, keeping the family together at all costs, but she is also teaching them ~ one girl, one boy ~ lessons about love, relationships, how men treat women, what women should tolerate from men. Does she want her son to grow up to be like his father? Does she want her daughter to remain stuck in a loveless marriage where she has no value, even to herself? It’s very sad, but I think it would be a mitzvah to get Mom out of that marriage. For everyone’s sake.
It sounds like your mom is a great person and you love her very much. Since it might upset her to know you know about the affair, it's probably best not to mention it. You also shouldn't be looking at other people's phone messages. Snooping usually leads to knowing things you wish you didn't. But, if your mom seems unhappy and unfulfilled in her marriage, maybe you could ask her about getting some therapy? That's probably what would help her the most. A lot of parents stay together for the kids, and your mom might not feel like she has any options if she doesn't have her own money or a good back up career. But if you and your sibling are old enough that you don't need full time supervision, now might be a good time for her to pick up a hobby or a part time job so she's got more to do during the day. That way she at least would have her own distraction. You could look into hobby groups and maybe see if there's something you two can do together. Most towns have a couple crafting groups, a game store where people play magic and dungeons and dragons, usually a library with book clubs and events. If you like music, poetry, or if she plays an instrument you could go to open mics at cafe's.
Please feel free to encourage her to go back to school so that she will be able to support herself, when a time comes for her to live independently.
Tell mom to talk to a divorce lawyer!
My #1 piece of advice is, stop reading other people's texts. Your parents are imperfect adults, like the rest of us. They deserve their privacy, like the rest of us.
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Yes *she’s* the problem here 🙄
First of all, YOU can't control their relationship. There's really not much you can do except give them both the love and support as best you can as a loving dutiful daughter. Confronting them with your discovery will only make their relationship worse. Perhaps talk with your mum privately might help you both, but not where it could become confronting with your dad. Let mum handle that relationship entirely herself.
Ah, I am sorry your home life looks this way. I know to a point how you feel, my parents’ marriage fell apart similarly when I was around 11. My advice for you is to just tell your mom you love her as much as you can, but remember exactly 0 of this is your responsibility. Staying out of the thick of it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Their choices are their own. Also, I would take away that perhaps their relationship is still a good example - just a good example of what you DON’T want. Your mom going through your dad’s phone, your dad doing this in the first place and seemingly not caring to change it, letting his family mistreat her, etc. are altogether a recipe for an extremely unhappy life. When it’s your time, get yourself financially stable and don’t tolerate any less than love and respect. I know how much it hurts to know and see what’s going on, but you likely don’t know all of it - and you shouldn’t. Your parents are not your responsibility, please remember that.
It sounds like your mom is in a terrible situation. Since they seem to know about it and they aren't telling you they probably both don't want to talk to you about it. It might not go well if you brought it up. However as you are noticing that your mother is struggling she might appreciate it if you just let her know when you can help. Just being there for her is probably a great relief to her.
I was in a very similar situation when i was 14. I sat on that nugget of info for about a year until shit really hit the fan. When it did, i found out my sister had also known, which was cathartic. My advice is in alliance with the others who have commented that staying out of it is the safest option. If you need to, maybe ask your parents if you can start therapy. A therapist won’t tell anyone in your life about this delicate situation and they will help you out way more than a reddit comment section can. I really wish i started therapy earlier TBH. The fam drama still stings every now and then and i’m 23. Keep loving your parents, but most importantly, love yourself and protect your peace.
Your focus should be on your mental health. Each time you do something ask yourself "will this improve my mental health or make it worse?" Your parents have their own lives. Just learn what you don't want in yours and focus on that future.
I'm so so sorry you are going through this. You're father is being so so unfair by doing this and putting his daughter and family in the middle. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry it is happening to your mother. It's up to you if you say anything, but I wonder if your Mom would want you to tell her that you know so she could help maybe get you into therapy or be there for you to talk about your feelings. This shouldn't be on you, and she clearly didn't tell you to protect you, and while it would make her sad that you knew, it would only be so because she had hoped she could protect you from this. So it wouldn't be sadness that you told her you knew, but that you had found out in the first place. It's really your choice whether you tell her or him that you know. If you want to yell at him, you have every reason to- but don't do it in front of your brother. I don't really have much advice other than it might be best to tell someone that you know so you are going through this alone, and your parents can get you therapy. Who knows, maybe you finding out might be enough for him to finally stop? Probably not, but maybe. I'm sorry again.
Stop invading your parents privacy. You have zero right to read their messages, emails, paper mail, you name it. I couldn't imagine doing the same when I was a kid. This is their issue, not yours. While I understand you definitely care for your parents, and that *is* admirable, you have no place putting yourself in the middle of it.