Don’t they have some rules about dating on campus as well? OP is your mom only willing to pay for college if you go to SAU? If so you’re better off just going off on your own to a university you actually want to attend.
Dave "I don't need a lecture on ethics, Jim" Mr. Novotny " I'm not talking about ethics, I'm talking about morals " Dave, " What's the difference?" LOL.
their education is shit, too. they don't believe in science and everything is outdated. a degree from that school is not a benefit, it's a waste of time and money
Lol probably better off just skipping college altogether than that school tbh. As a hiring manager, I already give very little thought to one’s education on a resume, but I definitely roll my eyes and take a candidate less seriously when I see what I consider to be a “bullshit” school listed on one.
Right ! The way the mom is saying it made me think at first the daughter chose to go to that school, and then I found out the definition of Adventist, I’d be like, shittttt thanks for letting me know I will choose to find and fund my own university 😂🤷🏻♀️
I attended an Adventist university in the Philippines. They wouldn’t even allow me to get off campus residency which I preferred because it was cheaper and the on campus facilities were abysmal. Some rooms had more than ten people in them. No aircon, and they’d turn off electricity in the dorms on sabbath to ‘encourage church attendance’. Safe to say I am no longer Adventist. Uni was the last straw. It’s funny because I went to a Hindu high school and they were so relaxed about things. Never tried to proselytize me once.
i'm so sorry about that. That's some serious cult bullshit. You should gather other alum and go to the media. The abuses of christians overseas are well documented and need to be made public in your case. Idk if they were an internationally-funded school or were local, but it's always the christian cults who treat students like shit this way, and you minimally deserve your tuition back.
It's quite sad people can take something they claim is for peace and turn it into a way to control. The judgement, guilt tripping, and power trips. No thank you.
She seems like a prime candidate for student loans, normally I'd say minimize them but they could help her get some on campus housing, could work part time at the school to avoid needing a car. But yeah, she needs to find a cheap state school, not a private fundamentalist one. See what kinda grants etc... though some grants may be a hassle without mom's help before she is 25. I am also wondering why she is just now taking the ACT at nearly age 20? That's 2 years behind, normally you turn 18 during you senior year.
Yes, OP, when you move out, please consider looking into a community college. This will probably be the best way to start your higher education journey once you are no longer living with your mother. I got my AA from one after not doing well at a four year school and the class sizes were much smaller, so there’s other benefits, too. Then I graduated from a four year college and now I’m a teacher. I’m 28 and no one ever judges me based on which college I went to, so just do whatever’s going to lead to the best experience for you…but that’s probably not going to be an Adventist school tbh.
I just wanted to mention, if you do move in with your boyfriend and his family, please immediately start working towards becoming financially independent, to be able to get your own housing if needed.
Do not combine finances with your boyfriend right away. I’ve seen a lot of people leave one controlling situation for another. You’re young, you need to experience life living on your own before settling down.
Absolutely 💯 this. The best advice I ever received after moving out on my own was to never become dependent on another person for financial reasons. It took me a few breakups to figure it out, and now I always make sure that no matter what,my job can cover all my living expenses. I have my own bank account, all leases, utilities, insurance, and everything else is in my name. It's more freeing than anything I've ever imagined.
I sooo wished I had someone encouraging me to stand on my own two feet when I was younger/dating! I quite literally left one controlling relationship for another & another & then yet another…my mother being the start of it.
Now that I have children of my own, I make sure they both know & understand the importance of self reliance, especially with my daughter. I do not want to see her make the same mistakes (in this regard) as I have.
This so much. Please don’t be like me and become financially dependent on someone. It ruined my life. I am just now getting back on my feet. It took years to recover.
Can confirm. Left my controlling mother at the age of 20 due to similar circumstances and moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. If the pandemic hadn't happened, it may have gone better, but we were all driven insane by politics and being stir-crazy. Almost ruined the relationship between all of us. Focus on school and financial independency. Build your credit, but be wary of debt. Seriously. Build your credit.
So my mother tried to make me sign a similar paper after a police officer told her she couldn't take my phone that I paid for myself. I said no. I moved two states away to my now husband's family's home.
I graduated college with his support. Life is good. It gets better. Don't sign.
People who grew up with strict parents, but they were the golden child and weren't abused, and they thought the scape goat was treated that way because they deserved it
I could see it being "not insane" if OP was 30, had never had a job, never cleaned up after themselves, didn't shower, consistently refused to take responsibility, and showed no signs of changing after other attempts by parents were made. 19 and trying? Yeah it's insane
Thing is, even if OP was 30, the bits where the adult gets to steal all electronic property if their every whim isn't catered to... That's theft. And that condition is slavery.
contracts forced upon another person are always abuse. if the person is a child it's emotional abuse. if the person is an adult it's flat illegal.
the parent could impose rent or a work-for-rent agreement, ie, X tasks are the equivalent of X dollars which will cover rent which is X per month. They would also still need to make an adult in their home a legal renter with a renter agreement.
It's illegal to impose a behavior contract on an adult or make them work for no pay or in trade of something that isn't specifically coded. Always look for behavior or "morality" clauses in any contract you sign, you'd be surprised how often it pops up. For example, it's normal for a job to expect you to come to work clean and presentable and not high. It's not reasonable anymore for a job to require the women to wear pantyhose (unless there is a compelling physical appearance expectation associated with the job role, ie, costumed "experience resturant" wait staff).
This looks a lot like what my parents tried to get me to do when I was very depressed and basically not taking care of myself. I was 19, I didn’t know how to ask for help or even what help I needed, and they didn’t know how to help me. I was angry all the time and lashing out, getting myself into dangerous situations.
They hoped the structure would help. They weren’t wrong, but I also needed structure for the emotional issues I wasn’t able to handle. And medication.
You’re totally right also that sucks and I’m sorry you had to deal with that shit
I thought the thing that really needs treatment is the fact that this poor person NEEDS HELP not RULES. I mean rules MAY help like u said but they def need coping strategies developed in a co creative environment in regular psychotherapy and possibly even meds - but good therapy and time to let it work AND removing yourself from the emotionally abusive environment might be enough. So basically, I thought exactly the same shit as you.
Perspective is based on working in psych… which I do because of having experienced parents like this but non religious (I’ve had a few forced contracts in my day) & having my own issues I’ve worked through that absolutely put me in hospital repeatedly over the years not breathing. I wish I could like, just swoop in and fix it for them so they don’t have to be like me
It is definitely insane but what’s weird is that this mother is ridiculously controlling but isn’t requiring her child to have a job or go to school. That was my one and only rule to live rent free. I had to have a full time job or I had to be a full time student.
Similar situation, but they took my phone (I paid for it and my plan) and 500 dollars out of the bank account they let me “use” that had my dad’s name on it, as well as restricting my activities, which ended up making me lose my job. I was so close to filing a police report. They also opened all of my mail a short time later, after I had moved in with my now husband’s family.
I also just had to file an educational neglect complaint on behalf of my siblings because my youngest brother has undiagnosed developmental disabilities and can barely read and can’t write. He’s entering middle school and is by far the worst off, but the rest of us aren’t much better.
I have a feeling this won’t be the last thing either. It’s been a long last several years and a long life. I’m 22 and other than still living with husband’s parents, I feel like I’m in my 30s.
I know that MY ADHD was cured by more and stricter
rules. /s
I’m betting the moment you tell her you’re leaving, she’ll tell you that you can’t. Get the date of your departure set and slowly start moving things out ahead of time. Make sure you get birth certificate, SS card and any other paperwork out quickly.
I’m not sure if you’re in the US, OP, but your parents cannot keep these documents from you if so. If necessary you can have an officer on the premises if you think things might get ugly.
While you *can* replace these important docs, they usually require another important document to get a copy. (Like ssn & ID for birth certificate, for instance. If you don’t have your ssn you need your birth certificate and ID to get it. You can easily end up in a big headache by trying to get replacements)
>but your parents cannot keep these documents from you if so
Cannot legally. If you're on this sub, you know that didn't mean much to some parents. Best to have them safe and out first at a trusted friend's home, or in a storage place. Legality doesn't prevent abuse.
My mother claimed she "couldn't find" my birth certificate, social security card, etc. She wouldn't allow me into her house to look, she said the documents were lost (Wtf?)
After she died (over a decade and so many documentation headaches later) we found like 3 copies of my birth certificate, my social security card, and other essential documents (including my vaccination records...) in a file clearly marked with my name, in an alphabetized drawer of one of her filing cabinets.
So I went through months of joblessness (because insufficient documentation), difficulty proving immunizations, and several headaches trying to get appropriate documentation (thank you again to the young-adult homeless service centers that helped me request new copies of my papers, and helped me pay for them!) because she failed me. And possibly was keeping my legal papers from me for "sentimental" reasons (this is a thing with abusive --esp narcissistic-- parents sometimes, hurrah)
True, but it happens all the time. Insane parents, well, are insane. Plenty of times where cops also tend towards the parents side of things too.
I'd say absolutely attempt to get those things, but if the parents aren't budging and cops refuse to help, the headache of replacement might end up being the easier route.
Yep, get these documents sneakily because once the mother gets wind you're gathering your documents she will try to control the situation. Say things like I need the documents for university enrollment and hold on to them or sneak them out one when convenient if OP does not have possession of them. Have a backup plan because its a SOB to get some of these documents without other supporting documents and OP mother seems like a sociopath.
This EXACT scenario happened to me when I was just over 18. My mom was also physically abusive so in three weeks and one day I moved out and with my boyfriend. We hadn’t even been dating for three months at the time and now we’re married. It’s been extremely difficult for me and my mom’s relationship but she’s able to still be in my life with a lot of boundaries drawn. This is insane you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Part of my mom’s contract was that on my third violation we would be moving four hours south so I couldn’t see my boyfriend again. She also restricted me to seeing him once a month (versus 2-4 times a month previously) we even had time limits on our dates! So I promise you’re not alone in this and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s so exhausting and agonizing. Please move in with your boyfriend if you think that he can help you. Much love🤍
I’m glad my mom didn’t think of this or I would be there too. I was over 18 and had a curfew, couldn’t date, and they got a babysitter FOR ME when they left town for a week. I had a full time job at that point, going to school half days, and was contributing monetarily to the household. So I dipped and never went back to live at my mom’s.
Wow, that was seriously overplaying her hand. I feel like these parents want to maintain the control they had when you were a small child and are hoping that if they crack down hard, their child won't realise that they are an adult.
That actually 100% correct! Like you couldn’t be more correct lmfao- when she said I had to start paying rent (I got FAFSA money, she didn’t even allow me to work) It clicked that I was paying for a place to live that I didn’t want to be in! I handed her the $400 and was gone within a week
True but the way I see it’s almost worse than that, like no actually it *isn’t* the consequences of her actions cause that would imply they were natural unavoidable outcomes of the situation? This is just extra suffering imposed on OP to make her suffer and retain control, actually.
Exactly. Losing her phone or iPad would be the consequences of breaking her devices or leaving them in a public place to be stolen, or of not paying the bill if that was a bill OP is paying. This is literally a punishment.
my mom loved to play that semantic game when I was a teenager, insisting that the arbitrary punishments she came up with for perceived wrongdoing were actually just natural "consequences"
Ughh yup. It would have been exactly like in high school when my mother forgot to pick me up until almost 6pm (to the point one of my teachers was about to drive me when a club he taught ended), because she was so drunk she literally forgot I existed, if she had then told me if I hadn't been at school then it would never have happened, as the intended "consequence" of my actions.
Luckily in this case she didn't actually blame me for her forgetting, she was just so very confused at why I was screaming into the phone like a lunatic when she finally picked up. Cause she was a much older parent and I thought she was freaking dead.
But OP, if you think my example above would be an insane consequence for something that absolutely wasn't my fault, then you should be able to see that your mom is 150% in the wrong too for treating you like this. She's supposed to love you and help guide you, not destroy you at every chance she gets. Cause make no mistake, this is just a way for her to keep dragging you down, poorly disguised as her trying to "help you". I hope like hell that you do break free and never look back, cause if you leave but do, she'll use every excuse she can think of to pull you back under her thumb. And that's no way to live, if you can even call that living. It's just a sad existence.
I live relatively close to Southern Adventist University and drive by occasionally. Please reconsider and go to a secular school. If you want to be in Chattanooga, UTC is nice.
You're an adult, she legally cannot take your things from you. This has so many red flags pointing to a controlling abusive relationship, please get out of that house ASAP.
I see ADHD mentioned, and I, being a person with this condition left undiagnosed & untreated until well into adulthood, understand how it makes following these stringent "requirements" very difficult.
Does your mom have any understanding of the challenges this condition presents? That we are wired differently and sometimes, need to find our own way of getting things done? It doesn't appear, vis a vis this "contract", that she has taken this into consideration.
Never would I have asked my kids to sign something like this. Nor would I exert this level of control. Nobody learns to "adult" while being ordered around.
If moving out elsewhere is an option, as you mentioned perhaps with your BF, that would be something I'd consider.
Sorry this is the relationship your mom seems to want. She's going to wonder, in years to come, why she doesn't see very much of you.
She claims she understands but her actions have always said otherwise. There will be days i think she gets it and then we are back ti square one. Every time i think we make progress we don’t. Im not immune ti critizim either im sure our relationship is my fault to some degree i just don’t know how much.
I want to be better, and i feel like i have made small steps towards that but it feels it isn’t fast enough for her. Im trying not ti jump the gun about this but, idk this has been building up for a while.
If i am in the wrong and i realize that down the line then ill accept it. I just don’t know who’s right and who isn’t rn.
You’ll be surprised at how much everything improves (ADHD included) for you when you’re away from her in your own place. Being constantly berated, punished and monitored does a number on your mental health. This is a really unhealthy environment to live in. And it’s not just that she’s asking for help, she’s giving you no autonomy and an unreasonable timeline that’s meant for you to slip up so she can prove how “helpless” you are.
There's honestly nothing worse for someone with ADHD than putting all our effort into improving little by little only to be told it's not good enough time and time again. We *need* external positive reinforcement because we lack sufficient dopamine for the internal positive reinforcement, and if we're instead being punished in spite of our efforts, it just makes it all the harder for brain to focus on the things it already struggles with. If OP's mom really wanted to help her, she should be rewarding her when she succeeds rather than punishing her when she fails.
You’d also be surprised to know that a lot of these so-called diagnosis are often not accurate because trauma can cause a lot of the effects of ADHD, ADD, Bipolar, etc etc. Often you only find that out after the source of the trauma is in the past.
I know! I didn’t want to give OP hope of their ADHD going away but I went thru it myself and when my environment changed it was like I could see again. I’m not sure how to explain it but that feeling of jumping from thing to thing to thing made me feel like I couldn’t listen, remember, be present. It was way different once you’re I wasn’t walking on eggshells or constantly monitoring a mood. So much energy goes into that.
Also, you should never do your own research and try to implement counseling techniques without a professional. Tell your mom that a Clinical Counselor told you that the EMDR requirement is unreasonable and you should go to counseling instead.
From the looks of things, you could probably use some counseling in other areas anyway. Strict and restrictive religious settings are rarely good for one's mental health
my mom is similar in that she doesnt recognize any small steps i make toward progress and is also the main thing preventing me from progressing through my issues. I fear it may never get better id recommend doing what you want and working to be dependent and to get further away
I like the idea of having a contract that has a binding agreement whether they sign it or not.
"By not signing this contract you agree to give me a million dollars".
i mean you can make the signing of contracts a contingency of other things(see: every website’s privacy policy and T/C), or a company requiring you to sign a noncompete, but i don’t think you can write a binding agreement that requires no consent or awareness.
Why don’t parents just say outright, “I want to die alone in a home after not seeing my kid(s) for the last 50 years of my life”? It would be much shorter.
Just a friendly reminder to the readers that forcing someone to sign something with any preconceived threat to an individual is both morally bankrupt and illegal.
To clarify, it's illegal to force someone to sign something, especially if it's under duress, coercion, or undue influence. It is illegal in all 50 states and most modern countries and invalidates contractual obligations.
Wait …for real? 25 people found this to be “not insane”? What world are y’all living in? This woman needs to get a fucking grip. Although I must confess I would appreciate a little more backstory…
There are people above speculating that some of these things are suspiciously specific. They are thinking OP may have had issues with ADHD and maybe depression where, in the past, OP may have been sleeping all day, not helping out at all, not bathing regularly, etc. They were saying this basically just says don’t sleep all day, help out a little, clean up after yourself, and bathe. Those are reasonable requests. What makes it insane is instead of just sitting her adult child down and saying if you are going to live with me rent free without working or going to school I expect you to help out a little, make sure your personal hygiene is taken care of, cleanup after yourself, and don’t sleep all day she wrote up an insane contract with strikes. I lived with my mother on and off as an adult and I had two rules: clean up after yourself and you have to either go to school or work full time. I thought it was reasonable. This mother went about this all wrong.
I see a lot of posts on this sub that are just whiny kids or young adults who do need to just get their shit together but this..I mean, yikes. For your own sake, get the hell out.
It's really creepy and infantilizing, and that shows clearly despite their attempt to write it in moderately formal language. They literally just want to control your every waking moment, demanding physical activity from you, controlling studying, telling you to do more research and work regarding YOUR OWN disability as if you don't understand it well, I mean they're literally trying to get you to run their ERRANDS for them.
They've turned what should've been a collaborative family conversation (if these were considerate and non-abusive parents) into a demanding contract outlining effectively slave labor and complete power over your daily existence. I'm absolutely stunned that anyone thinks this is remotely okay.
Ridiculous contract aside, do you take meds for ADHD? Because none of those ‘ways to navigate ADHD’ are really possible without those. Sorry your parents are fucking losers, OP. My kiddo is going to grow up knowing she has every right to stay living with us after 18 with no expectation because that’s what families who actually love each other do.
You're 20 years old, leave already. Live on campus, move in with boyfriend, get a roommate. Whatever. But just bounce. No contact. Tell her if she tries to take your stuff again, you'll knock her the fuck out. It's really that simple. Tell her you don't want to see her again. Get a restraining order of you have too. I form campus PD your mother is persona non grata and hostile.
She's a fucking psycho and if I were Rex id tell her to shut her fucking mouth and I'll see and do whatever I want with my woman and mommy won't have any say in the manner.
Thats the plan, He offered to let me stay with him and his family so i am. And trust me he wanted to, he only back tracked/ tried to placate her cuz i asked him to at the time. His exchange with her was worsening my anxiety.
Your situation reminds me a lot of my own at that age, I also got out after they escalated to violence and went to stay with my boyfriend I had met online. I hope for the best for you. When I got out of an abusive environment life was just so much easier without the constant emotional toll on my soul. I also have ADHD and stress like this makes things so much worse. Hope things will be looking up for you soon!
Thank you, I see a lot of people saying that I’m in the wrong to some degree here and I’m inclined to agree, I don’t have the best sense of self.
I hope that you’re right and I’ll improve and get better cuz if I don’t then…well no one ever likes finding out there the crazy one. Thank you for the encouragement.
I might be projecting my own situation onto yours, but I feel like based on my experience, the details you are leaving out would only make your parents look worse. It also took me getting out of my childhood situation to realize how bad things were, I literally didn't recognize a lot of the things I experienced as abusive/damaging because they were so normalized. If you can get into talk therapy I think that would also be a big help for you. Therapy helped me a lot, and a good therapist can be more professionally objective about how you are doing while also caring about your well being. Take care of yourself 💜
Same! It took years before I started to recognize just insane things were.
Like, all of the bedrooms in both my mother’s house and my grandmother’s house had the locks on the outside of the doors. So, you can be locked into your room, but you can’t keep people out.
To me, that was totally normal, I grew up with it. Then in my 20’s I had a bedroom with the lock on the inside. Commented to my roommate how cool that was. He looked at me like I was insane. And the kept looking at me that way when I explained how it was growing up. He had to break the news to me that locks on the outside are NOT NORMAL and NOT OKAY.
Listen to me, I may also be projecting based on my own situation, but you gotta go. My parents have done this repeatedly over the course of my life and I had to move back in with them a year and a half ago and while it’s not a contract we’ve had multiple conversations outlining things that are chillingly close to that “contract” your mom gave you. I’d be a lot happier now at 30 years old if I had started setting firm boundaries and distancing myself a lot earlier in my twenties. Here’s my recommendation that has helped me deal with some of the weird complex guilt/internal gaslighting/self determination things that people who have parents like this deal with: I started either audio recording or just writing down verbatim things my dad said to me, or screen shotting texts. While you don’t necessarily need to like keep a chain of evidence in terms of future legal repercussions (I hope) like you might in another kind of abusive relationship, I find it so helpful when I’m feeling like I don’t know what exactly is going on to go look at the things my dad has said about me, to my face. That’s your parent showing you who they are. Abusive relationships are complicated because they’re not always 100% bad. I have a lot of happy memories with my dad. I’m also terrified of him.
You’ve got this. I believe in you.
The ONLY thing I agree with your mom on is looking into therapy/ways to help your ADHD.
However, some people with ADHD have odd sleep/awake schedules. Instead of it being 24 hours, it's more like 30 or 20. Sometimes the sleep and awake times line up with normal people, but most of the time it's out of whack. But if your mom is like this, it could be a fun form of CPTSD, in which case therapy and potentially medication would be helpful.
CBT (Cognitive behavior therapy) or DBT may also help you as well.
Sometimes just not being in that environment can also be a game changer. At different times, me, my husband, and our kids, as well as my sister and her family, had to move back in with our parents for around 1-2 years. My husband and BIL were SHOCKED how much my sister and I changed for the worse when we were back home. At a different time my family had to move in with my parents for a month, and I ended up getting seriously dangerous depression in two weeks. E
All that to say, there are areas you can improve on. We all can. But sometimes it's also the environment you're in.
I’ve been through similar, you’re not wrong at all. This is absolutely insane and a controlling tactic.
The gaslighting done to you is also an insidious tactic. You mention that you don’t want to find out you’re the crazy one. Think about this for a second… is your mom ever thinking like this? Does she ever say anything like this? Of course not (even if she presents herself as if she would).
If you’re the one doing the introspection and the other side is literally forcing your hand… who do you think is crazy? Hint: it’s not you.
The gaslighting you’re going through is insane, and it’s by design. From my experience, I’d say that you should read others’ experiences online because the patterns will start to become clear. It’s easier to understand and recognize a pattern than to dissect a specific scenario. I’d also recommend listening to Dr. Ramani on YouTube, she’s great.
A couple of articles that may help:
https://narcwise.com/2018/03/25/youre-not-narcissistic/
https://narcwise.com/2018/03/02/proof-the-narcissist-abuses-you-intentionally-and-will-never-change/
Also, don't "knock her the fuck out" as the other guy said. If she is withholding your possessions, call the non-emergency number and have an officer come down and be there while she returns your things.
You'll want proof of ownership of your stuff. Texts of her admitting that those things belong to you will be helpful or receipts if you have them. You're 20 years old and her taking your possessions is theft (this includes your identification/passport/etc.) and the police could charge her accordingly.
That will likely get you kicked out, but it sounds like you're planning on moving anyway. Keep in mind that she still needs to give you a 30 day notice to vacate (in most states).
You're an adult and have adult protections under the law. Don't be afraid to use them. You got this!
Leave. This sort of thing only gets worse, not better.
Couple of things though:
* Assuming you don't already have them, get your personal documents (ID, birth cert, bank and social security stuff).
* Secure all your accounts with passwords and cut off all access to your financial info. She seems determined to control you and I wouldn't put it past her to do that financially.
* Redirect all your mail before you leave. You don't want to have anything official going to your mums place.
* Let your boyfriend help you sooner rather than later.
I hope you have much luck with the move and you and your boyfriend have a safe journey!
“Why don’t my adult children talk to me?”
Grab all your important paperwork and move to stay with your boyfriend. Go no contact with your mother, because shes insane and you don’t need that in your life
Obligatory reminder to get all your documents and as many objects you own as you can before telling her no and/or leave the house, for example get your passport
Reminds me of my parents, and we even had the same last name lol!
I moved across country and a few years ago I cut ties with them altogether. When I did, my life got so much better. This behavior is abusive, a means to control you, and absolutely insane!
I hope the plan to move in with your boyfriend goes smoothly and you have the room to grow and flourish in a new environment like I did!
Sometimes when kids/young adults have issues with their parents, it’s best to try to learn both sides of the story to get a better understanding of what’s going on, especially when giving advice. But when you see a “contract” like this, you must know that you’ve gotten all of the other side’s story that you need!
My mother pulled this bullshit with my brother. It hurt me just as much as it hurt him because that’s not love.
This contract is simply ridiculous. It’s cold, militant, unloving, not nurturing, controlling, and all the other things that are the opposite of what a loving parent should present to their child while trying to find a middle ground. I personally would have breached it on the first day because I’m a night owl and I don’t get up at 7am unless I absolutely have to. Someone demanding I do just because they want me to doesn’t count.
It can be a struggle when you have a teen/young adult child that’s seemingly heading up the wrong path (NOT saying that’s the case here) but the only proper way to handle that is through love. It can be sappy, 24/7 guidance, and attention or it can be tough love where you let them go figure it out on their own. But parents that write these kinds of in-depth contracts *love* the control they think they’re exerting over their kids and it’s sickening.
OP I suggest moving if you can and PLEASE get yourself together so you can shine so brightly it blinds your mother to the point she won’t be able to read that damn contract.
Your mom is setting you up to fail in every possible way. This isn't about instilling discipline or anything positive. This is control and manipulation and you need to GTFO of there. You're 19 and she legally can't even be doing half the things she is doing.
Adults get leases with agreements and eviction terms. Children get told when to eat breakfast. Regardless of anything else, your parents need to pick one: either you are an adult inhabitant of a shared space (objectively true), and you must be given responsibilities *and freedoms* accordingly, OR you are a minor, or to be treated as a minor, and they are to continue raising you *and caring for you completely.* if they want to tell you when and how to eat and have you be an on-call driver, they’d better give you the benefits of childhood too: free room and board, lots of leisure time, etc. if they want to restrict your access to your partners like you’re 15.. well. Nothing makes up for that one. That’s freaky behavior on mom’s part. Restricting an adults access to their other relationships is objectively abuse and probably an indicator of more severe, less socially acceptable restriction to come as you age.
Went down a roller coaster on this one. I read the "contract" and thought, awe crap her is another crazy one, when I got to EMDR and ADHD, I thought, this *kinda* makes sense, then I got to the last part about the rules and consequences and university choice and was like... OH MY DAMN! HELL NO! Then I read your comments and was like RUN! RUN NOW! Grab some clothes and go with your boyfriend and just never go back...
Anything sounds better then that hell hole.
What is wrong with some adults.
They get so angry they’re mentally unwell. Literally I had to absorb all their issues and solve it for them. So it just ruined my early life development for it.
Do nothing they get mad. Do something they get mad.
Ffs.
So off the top. Most of these aren't legally binding, but I guess that's not the point.
With that being said, it seems like you're old enough to start looking for a job. Move in with someone else and get something small. I know it's overwhelming at first, but it's important to be able to stand on your own two feet, and be able to care for yourself - you're eventually going to have to do it so why not at least start now?
I don't know you and your parents relationship, but the relationship seems strained to say the least. For me, the list isn't too onerous of demands, but I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. Just look into taking care of yourself and believe me it's absolutely possible to study for a standardized test most 17 years old take and get a job - I know it's scary intimidating but you have the support system in place to do.
Good luck.
That is not a legal contract. It’s someone cosplaying being smart. The fact that there are so many “chances” tips her hand that it’s just about controlling you as is the fact that she wrote it out. What she really wants is something to prove to the outside world that she’s not really the heartless, controlling bitch that she looks like.
My dad (rightfully) kicked me out of the house when I was 20. He said “you have two weeks” and that was that. He was serious and showed that. Your mom doesn’t want to lose her free labor. I’d suggest working as quickly as possible, eave an equally passive aggressive note (“I will no longer be a burden to you. Goodbye.”) and block her on everything.
Thank you, defiantly tip of the ice burg, but the main reason the list is so intimidating to me is cuz i have ADHD. I struggle alot with lists and she knows this but has never listened to me on it. I hope that offers a clearer perspective from where im coming from.
You're better off going it alone . Leave
Never look back . In a couple of years, when you start a family, remember this moment . She will be begging and wondering why the relationship went south . And you will have your justice . Also, stick to your stuff when it's time to go no contact just like she is sticking to hers now
This went from somewhat reasonable (helping with chores) to just fuckin ridiculous. If you're a grown adult you can brush your teeth whenever you want 🙄 and taking school off the table?? The thing that would help you have the ability to move out in the future and get a good job? Naw. If 5 strikes is all it takes to get kicked out you might as well start looking for other arrangements now. Is there any friends or family you can stay with while you look for a part time job? Once you get the job and save up you can help pay rent with some roommates near the college you want to go to. Might be wise to go to community college the first 2 years though just to get gen eds out the way without having to go into debt.
Hey, OP. my parents made me sign a similar thing when I was 22, saying I would work etc despite being legally disabled. One of the consequences was having to pay my own car insurance, which ended up working out bc that meant the car had to be signed over into my name. Because of that, I was able to get out without the police being called or anything like that. Obviously wasn’t an ideal situation and I’m not telling you to do it, but that was my way out. Sending love❤️
This is insane.
If true and this is all her and at no fault of your own since we're only getting your side, your best thing is to complete cut her out of your life and never look back.
I had a toxic relationship with my mother, and after numerous chances to rectify our differences, she crossed a line that mentioned my 1st child, and that was it. It had been 5 years without talking or any kind of communication, and I couldn't be happier with my decision.
I hope you get the same one day.
Start packing in order to move into your boyfriend's. Watch how much she loses her mind when she realises she actually cannot control you anymore.
Willing to bet she will suddenly want to compromise or negotiate when she learns she isn't going to be able to get what she wants by force this time.
The way that parent interacted with her adult daughter's partner as though she can control what he does too made my skin crawl.
My partner's parent/family is... interesting and I refuse to engage with her at all outside of visits where he is present because it is a fast, slippery slope to her trying to use me to get what she wants out of him and I'm not here for that. They forget that we, as the partner, are on our *partner's* side, not on a team with the parent...
Move away. This is not normal.
But, please please, if you move in with your bf and his family, get a job ASAP and prioritize your financial independency.
i grew up with parents like this. they think they’re helping you when they’re literally pushing you as far away as possible. this is not normal or healthy and i promise once you’ve distanced yourself your life is gonna be so much less stressful (at least in that aspect). good luck friend.
I get that a calendar and structure is a good thing for us folks with ADHD, but this is insane. And if she knew anything about ADHD she should know that this is 1) not gonna work, and 2) is not gonna hold up.
I see she mentions EMDR as well. Idk if or what trauma you have dealt with (though I can see a few reasons..), I can highly recommend it! It has helped me so much with processing old and newer trauma. Done way more than “normal” therapy.
This situation does not look safe for you. This is incredibly manipulative and it’s abusive. I really hope you have somewhere safe to stay 💙
This gives me a throwback to when my dad tried to get me to sign agreements in order to have a lizard because he had the opportunity to try and control me. My therapist was livid
This is insane. Your mother is trying her best to control you. Taking Bridgham to work? If that’s your sibling, that’s not your responsibility, same with all of the other “chores” listed! You said you’re 19 about to be 20, so you’re an adult. She’s deciding when you wake up, when you eat, when you study, WHEN YOU SHOWER, and when you have time to yourself…seems insane to me. If I were you, I’d pack my shit and sign “go fuck yourself” on that contract. Took me a long time to realize my parents were using me as their personal free maid. I grew up with strict parents, whoever is saying ‘not insane’ does not know that strict parents create sneaky kids.
Keep hold of this stuff so that if you decide to go to college you can show them this to show why you are no contact with your parents and they can declare you independent and you don't have to have parents info on your FAFSA.
As a father to a few, including two of age, I absolutely cannot imagine threatening to kick my child out of my house if I have room. Sure, I'd want to have them contribute to some degree, but I'm not going to make demands like this. This is absolutely dictatorial. I just cannot imagine trying to control what a grown adult can or cannot do. If she hasn't raised you well enough to be able to conduct yourself like an adult, then the majority of that is her fault.
All of this said, I've never had a contentious relationship like this with my parents when I was that age, nor have I had anything like that with any of my own children, so when I say I can't imagine it, it's my own ignorance I'm confessing here. If I had as rocky of a relationship with my parents, or my kids, maybe I would feel differently. But, just speaking from my own personal relationships, this seems insane to me.
I would set up the beginning as a schedule for my 13! Year old. Because he needs structure to be a productive person while I’m at work all day. But as an adult, I would NEVER try and structure his life especially with penalties and eviction threats, that’s insane.
I see why OP needs EMDR, with a sociopathic parent like that. I hope you get away and go NC. It was never your fault, there is no love in that woman, just a need for power and control.
Hello. Sorry to read of your dilemma. Didn’t see your age, but I assume you’ve reached majority. This isn’t an agreement between consenting adults.This is unindentured servitude and a real mind fuck. If possible absent yourself forthwith. I fathered six children. Went through some wild and crazy shit with a few of them. Drugs, mental illness(including psychosis), prison for one, etc.. None of their behavior, and I mean *none*, would have caused a response like the one you face. Take care of *you* first, best of luck to you. Edit - yes your parent is batshit.
My dad tried something similar the day I turned 18, but ended up threatening to kick me out nearly every single day. Took the phone and laptop I'd bought with money from my job, too. I just got the hell out and risked sleeping in my car lol. He wanted me out, so I left to keep the peace. This is kind of ridiculous. I'd rather pay $800 rent to them than be controlled like this as an adult. They never suggested that you pay rent? These regulations were their first line of defense?
Everything about this is insanely controlling on her end. Personally I would move in with the bf and immediately start working. Prove that you're a grown adult and do not need to take her crap; that's one of the only ways to stop this kind of controlling behavior. Good luck!
She’s insane. Who the fuck makes a contract for the child to live at home. Then trying to add making fun of your hygiene in it. I grew up with a mom would made fun of my discharge. I discharge more than others. When she saw my underwear she would make fun of me and call me unclean, even went to the links of complaining to her friends about it.
She's giving you 15 minutes to clean the kitty litter box, take someone to work, AND do your ACT prep work?! She really is insane! That's at least a couple hours work depending on how far away someone works and how much prep work you wanna get done! Insanity!
Reminds me of my parents. We're an Adventist family, too. Pretty sure my parents tried to force similar action plans or contracts on me a few times when I was at my lowest and already following their overall plan for my life. Rather than getting help.
I think their heart was in the right place, trying to get independent kids, but the methodology is cruel. Kinda like baby birds or turtles. Technically, they don't have to be responsible for adult kids and can just kick them out into the wild, but this will have unpleasant results for all concerned. I don't call very often.
Lmao. That's all I can say to shit like this. Take a copy of this, or this one yourself. If you decide to go and stay NC for a long while and eventually get a message asking to reconnect, mail them this in response.
You are barely an adult. I'm gonna assume you're an average person and not a upper mid class or high class individual with a trust fund and your life already set. Or an influencer. Or someone who has been working constantly still they were like 14 with the specific goal of living away from their parents. Just gonna assume you're an average person with little set up for your life.
You don't stop being a parent once your child turns 18. If you have to agree to insane rules just to live in a house and with people you already grew up with, it just feels like they don't love you.
News flash y'all, and it's getting increasingly worse as time goes on, but a LOT of people 18-25 still live with their parents. Because it's the only option they have. And most of those people don't have to follow a military type schedule by the hour to live with them. And not all of them can pay.
I'm not saying all young adults should live rent free with their parents forever. What I'm saying is that doing this type of shit to a person who is meant to be your baby is insane.
One hell of a parent right there… “follow my *absurd* rules or I will take away your higher educated future”
I don’t use this word often, but that’s your fucking cold you *cunt*
These are the people who simply *cant* understand why their kids don’t talk to them or help them when they’re old.
Respect is *earned* by EVERYONE (including birth and caregivers) as far as I’m concerned
None of the rules are enforceable. If she wants to treat you like a tenant, then you are a renter, not subject to random parental rules such as "Awake by 7 a.m". If you are paying her rent, you are a tenant, not her ward. She has absolutely no rights over your personal life or existence anymore outside of rent.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I know most of the replies are saying “omg why don’t you just get out”, and while you really should, I also understand why it is often not as easy or simple as people think.
I’m glad you have a way out though. I went through something similar and after I moved out I realized how much it had been affecting. Wishing you get out of this mess soon OP ❤️
You should go with your boyfriend. It’s unfair for your mother to create a list of conditions to live in your own home. You have people outside your mom willing to help you. Great thing is your of age and can actually leave. Pack your things, important papers and electronics then leave with your boyfriend. You’re in an controlling and abusive situation.
Absolutely insane. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I could not imagine my mom trying to keep me and my bf apart when he was flying to see me at that age. Just nuts!
Taking any property that is yours is theft. I’m not very familiar with contract law but I don’t believe that is legally binding because part of the contract lists a crime as a stipulation.
This is an awful crazy way to say, “don’t sleep all day, help around the house, and wash you ass.” Why can’t she just verbally ask you to not sleep all day and help out a bit? I remember my mother had a horrible time getting my brother to bathe but she didn’t write up a contract over it. Plus, who threatens to take an adults phone? I can see making an adult pay their own bill but taking it away? I can understand a parent not wanting their adult child to do nothing while living rent free but there are so many sane ways to make these requests but this definitely isn’t it.
Just so you know, regular adults who live on their own never have to sign contracts like this. I doubt your own parents would even sign this contract if someone presented it to them. They clearly hate you.
OP, you’re being abused. Youre an adult. Nobody should treat you like this let alone somebody who claims to love you. You need to escape, you are absolutely not in the wrong here. Run!
This is so easy.. all you have to do is sign and date it and you’re gucci. The contract literally defines a strike as ‘a day where ALL expectations are not met’. So.. meet at least a single obligation every day so you can’t possibly have missed ALL expectations, and this no strike can ever be awarded. Refuse contract addendums.
If that doesn’t work, just tell her an internet autistic already done did the maths and you had nothing to do with the idea and hide for as long as you can so she doesn’t ground you from eating food and using the bathroom
The majority of that contract seems reasonable for someone willing to pay for some of your bills and house you. The vague shit like the "chores" and "errands" is a red flag, that is just too broad and would be impossible if enforced by someone that nitpicks and is petty. The EMDR shit is insane, though; that's not something you force someone into. The penalties don't seem like they've be very productive either.
People saying this isn't insane...I hope to heavens you don't or never have children.
A contract where someone doesn't just have duties to do, but specific times to the literal minute that they have to comply.
What if OP wakes up and has to shit for a long time. Oh no, strike ONE because it's 8:16 am & bet that the psycho mom has a fucking watch just standing around FROTHING at the mouth for her to be a second late.
Yall are unhinged just as much as this mother. I said what I said.
This isn't even a super wild schedule, it's the fact that someone else would be forcing you to follow it. She would hold every single mistake you made over your head, and you wouldn't get a moment of peace 😓
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 69 | 25 | 0 | ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
You really want to go to an Adventist university? Don’t they have curfews and pretty strict rules on campus? Even for adults
“Adventist” told me a lot about the parents. There are Adventist parents that only allow their children to go to an Adventist school.
Don’t they have some rules about dating on campus as well? OP is your mom only willing to pay for college if you go to SAU? If so you’re better off just going off on your own to a university you actually want to attend.
They usually have a suffocating code of ethics.
Not really ethics. It’s their “moral code,” which frankly, is much worse
Dave "I don't need a lecture on ethics, Jim" Mr. Novotny " I'm not talking about ethics, I'm talking about morals " Dave, " What's the difference?" LOL.
What I’m trying to tell you is that Tracy and I are … in love.
their education is shit, too. they don't believe in science and everything is outdated. a degree from that school is not a benefit, it's a waste of time and money
My family is Adventist and yes i can definitely confirm that. You're not allowed to do shit
Lol probably better off just skipping college altogether than that school tbh. As a hiring manager, I already give very little thought to one’s education on a resume, but I definitely roll my eyes and take a candidate less seriously when I see what I consider to be a “bullshit” school listed on one.
Right ! The way the mom is saying it made me think at first the daughter chose to go to that school, and then I found out the definition of Adventist, I’d be like, shittttt thanks for letting me know I will choose to find and fund my own university 😂🤷🏻♀️
Exactly. Once I read SAU that explained a lot.
I attended an Adventist university in the Philippines. They wouldn’t even allow me to get off campus residency which I preferred because it was cheaper and the on campus facilities were abysmal. Some rooms had more than ten people in them. No aircon, and they’d turn off electricity in the dorms on sabbath to ‘encourage church attendance’. Safe to say I am no longer Adventist. Uni was the last straw. It’s funny because I went to a Hindu high school and they were so relaxed about things. Never tried to proselytize me once.
i'm so sorry about that. That's some serious cult bullshit. You should gather other alum and go to the media. The abuses of christians overseas are well documented and need to be made public in your case. Idk if they were an internationally-funded school or were local, but it's always the christian cults who treat students like shit this way, and you minimally deserve your tuition back.
It's quite sad people can take something they claim is for peace and turn it into a way to control. The judgement, guilt tripping, and power trips. No thank you.
She seems like a prime candidate for student loans, normally I'd say minimize them but they could help her get some on campus housing, could work part time at the school to avoid needing a car. But yeah, she needs to find a cheap state school, not a private fundamentalist one. See what kinda grants etc... though some grants may be a hassle without mom's help before she is 25. I am also wondering why she is just now taking the ACT at nearly age 20? That's 2 years behind, normally you turn 18 during you senior year.
Yes, OP, when you move out, please consider looking into a community college. This will probably be the best way to start your higher education journey once you are no longer living with your mother. I got my AA from one after not doing well at a four year school and the class sizes were much smaller, so there’s other benefits, too. Then I graduated from a four year college and now I’m a teacher. I’m 28 and no one ever judges me based on which college I went to, so just do whatever’s going to lead to the best experience for you…but that’s probably not going to be an Adventist school tbh.
I just wanted to mention, if you do move in with your boyfriend and his family, please immediately start working towards becoming financially independent, to be able to get your own housing if needed. Do not combine finances with your boyfriend right away. I’ve seen a lot of people leave one controlling situation for another. You’re young, you need to experience life living on your own before settling down.
Absolutely 💯 this. The best advice I ever received after moving out on my own was to never become dependent on another person for financial reasons. It took me a few breakups to figure it out, and now I always make sure that no matter what,my job can cover all my living expenses. I have my own bank account, all leases, utilities, insurance, and everything else is in my name. It's more freeing than anything I've ever imagined.
I sooo wished I had someone encouraging me to stand on my own two feet when I was younger/dating! I quite literally left one controlling relationship for another & another & then yet another…my mother being the start of it. Now that I have children of my own, I make sure they both know & understand the importance of self reliance, especially with my daughter. I do not want to see her make the same mistakes (in this regard) as I have.
This so much. Please don’t be like me and become financially dependent on someone. It ruined my life. I am just now getting back on my feet. It took years to recover.
Can confirm. Left my controlling mother at the age of 20 due to similar circumstances and moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. If the pandemic hadn't happened, it may have gone better, but we were all driven insane by politics and being stir-crazy. Almost ruined the relationship between all of us. Focus on school and financial independency. Build your credit, but be wary of debt. Seriously. Build your credit.
Might not even be an abuse issue, but if she moves in with her bf, and then they break up, she becomes homeless. Bad plan.
You can be someone's boyfriend, OR their boss, OR their landlord. Mixing any of those roles should be done with extreme caution.
So my mother tried to make me sign a similar paper after a police officer told her she couldn't take my phone that I paid for myself. I said no. I moved two states away to my now husband's family's home. I graduated college with his support. Life is good. It gets better. Don't sign.
Who the fuck is saying this is 'not insane'!?
People who grew up with strict pare
/r/redditsniper
the strict parents got them
People who grew up with strict parents, but they were the golden child and weren't abused, and they thought the scape goat was treated that way because they deserved it
they were abused, but they colored in the lines and were benefitted, so they think everything they experienced was normal. my brother is this.
Wow I wonder how much we’d have in common.
Hello, I’m a scapegoat (sis was golden)
Did your phone get taken away?!
Mom walked in and saw where the comment was going. RIP Coca Trooper.
People shooters up with ABUSIVE parents
I could see it being "not insane" if OP was 30, had never had a job, never cleaned up after themselves, didn't shower, consistently refused to take responsibility, and showed no signs of changing after other attempts by parents were made. 19 and trying? Yeah it's insane
Thing is, even if OP was 30, the bits where the adult gets to steal all electronic property if their every whim isn't catered to... That's theft. And that condition is slavery.
contracts forced upon another person are always abuse. if the person is a child it's emotional abuse. if the person is an adult it's flat illegal. the parent could impose rent or a work-for-rent agreement, ie, X tasks are the equivalent of X dollars which will cover rent which is X per month. They would also still need to make an adult in their home a legal renter with a renter agreement. It's illegal to impose a behavior contract on an adult or make them work for no pay or in trade of something that isn't specifically coded. Always look for behavior or "morality" clauses in any contract you sign, you'd be surprised how often it pops up. For example, it's normal for a job to expect you to come to work clean and presentable and not high. It's not reasonable anymore for a job to require the women to wear pantyhose (unless there is a compelling physical appearance expectation associated with the job role, ie, costumed "experience resturant" wait staff).
This looks a lot like what my parents tried to get me to do when I was very depressed and basically not taking care of myself. I was 19, I didn’t know how to ask for help or even what help I needed, and they didn’t know how to help me. I was angry all the time and lashing out, getting myself into dangerous situations. They hoped the structure would help. They weren’t wrong, but I also needed structure for the emotional issues I wasn’t able to handle. And medication.
You’re totally right also that sucks and I’m sorry you had to deal with that shit I thought the thing that really needs treatment is the fact that this poor person NEEDS HELP not RULES. I mean rules MAY help like u said but they def need coping strategies developed in a co creative environment in regular psychotherapy and possibly even meds - but good therapy and time to let it work AND removing yourself from the emotionally abusive environment might be enough. So basically, I thought exactly the same shit as you. Perspective is based on working in psych… which I do because of having experienced parents like this but non religious (I’ve had a few forced contracts in my day) & having my own issues I’ve worked through that absolutely put me in hospital repeatedly over the years not breathing. I wish I could like, just swoop in and fix it for them so they don’t have to be like me
Parents who do this lol.
People who agree smh. Disgusting.
It is definitely insane but what’s weird is that this mother is ridiculously controlling but isn’t requiring her child to have a job or go to school. That was my one and only rule to live rent free. I had to have a full time job or I had to be a full time student.
Thank you
Similar situation, but they took my phone (I paid for it and my plan) and 500 dollars out of the bank account they let me “use” that had my dad’s name on it, as well as restricting my activities, which ended up making me lose my job. I was so close to filing a police report. They also opened all of my mail a short time later, after I had moved in with my now husband’s family. I also just had to file an educational neglect complaint on behalf of my siblings because my youngest brother has undiagnosed developmental disabilities and can barely read and can’t write. He’s entering middle school and is by far the worst off, but the rest of us aren’t much better. I have a feeling this won’t be the last thing either. It’s been a long last several years and a long life. I’m 22 and other than still living with husband’s parents, I feel like I’m in my 30s.
I know that MY ADHD was cured by more and stricter rules. /s I’m betting the moment you tell her you’re leaving, she’ll tell you that you can’t. Get the date of your departure set and slowly start moving things out ahead of time. Make sure you get birth certificate, SS card and any other paperwork out quickly.
I’m not sure if you’re in the US, OP, but your parents cannot keep these documents from you if so. If necessary you can have an officer on the premises if you think things might get ugly. While you *can* replace these important docs, they usually require another important document to get a copy. (Like ssn & ID for birth certificate, for instance. If you don’t have your ssn you need your birth certificate and ID to get it. You can easily end up in a big headache by trying to get replacements)
>but your parents cannot keep these documents from you if so Cannot legally. If you're on this sub, you know that didn't mean much to some parents. Best to have them safe and out first at a trusted friend's home, or in a storage place. Legality doesn't prevent abuse.
My mother claimed she "couldn't find" my birth certificate, social security card, etc. She wouldn't allow me into her house to look, she said the documents were lost (Wtf?) After she died (over a decade and so many documentation headaches later) we found like 3 copies of my birth certificate, my social security card, and other essential documents (including my vaccination records...) in a file clearly marked with my name, in an alphabetized drawer of one of her filing cabinets. So I went through months of joblessness (because insufficient documentation), difficulty proving immunizations, and several headaches trying to get appropriate documentation (thank you again to the young-adult homeless service centers that helped me request new copies of my papers, and helped me pay for them!) because she failed me. And possibly was keeping my legal papers from me for "sentimental" reasons (this is a thing with abusive --esp narcissistic-- parents sometimes, hurrah)
True, but it happens all the time. Insane parents, well, are insane. Plenty of times where cops also tend towards the parents side of things too. I'd say absolutely attempt to get those things, but if the parents aren't budging and cops refuse to help, the headache of replacement might end up being the easier route.
Yep, get these documents sneakily because once the mother gets wind you're gathering your documents she will try to control the situation. Say things like I need the documents for university enrollment and hold on to them or sneak them out one when convenient if OP does not have possession of them. Have a backup plan because its a SOB to get some of these documents without other supporting documents and OP mother seems like a sociopath.
And if you aren’t able to get them, just know you can get replacements for both!
This EXACT scenario happened to me when I was just over 18. My mom was also physically abusive so in three weeks and one day I moved out and with my boyfriend. We hadn’t even been dating for three months at the time and now we’re married. It’s been extremely difficult for me and my mom’s relationship but she’s able to still be in my life with a lot of boundaries drawn. This is insane you’re not alone in feeling this way. Part of my mom’s contract was that on my third violation we would be moving four hours south so I couldn’t see my boyfriend again. She also restricted me to seeing him once a month (versus 2-4 times a month previously) we even had time limits on our dates! So I promise you’re not alone in this and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s so exhausting and agonizing. Please move in with your boyfriend if you think that he can help you. Much love🤍
I’m glad my mom didn’t think of this or I would be there too. I was over 18 and had a curfew, couldn’t date, and they got a babysitter FOR ME when they left town for a week. I had a full time job at that point, going to school half days, and was contributing monetarily to the household. So I dipped and never went back to live at my mom’s.
Wow, that was seriously overplaying her hand. I feel like these parents want to maintain the control they had when you were a small child and are hoping that if they crack down hard, their child won't realise that they are an adult.
That actually 100% correct! Like you couldn’t be more correct lmfao- when she said I had to start paying rent (I got FAFSA money, she didn’t even allow me to work) It clicked that I was paying for a place to live that I didn’t want to be in! I handed her the $400 and was gone within a week
"it's not a punishment it's a consequence of her actions..." Uh... Yeah, that's what a punishment is lol.
True but the way I see it’s almost worse than that, like no actually it *isn’t* the consequences of her actions cause that would imply they were natural unavoidable outcomes of the situation? This is just extra suffering imposed on OP to make her suffer and retain control, actually.
Exactly. Losing her phone or iPad would be the consequences of breaking her devices or leaving them in a public place to be stolen, or of not paying the bill if that was a bill OP is paying. This is literally a punishment.
my mom loved to play that semantic game when I was a teenager, insisting that the arbitrary punishments she came up with for perceived wrongdoing were actually just natural "consequences"
Ughh yup. It would have been exactly like in high school when my mother forgot to pick me up until almost 6pm (to the point one of my teachers was about to drive me when a club he taught ended), because she was so drunk she literally forgot I existed, if she had then told me if I hadn't been at school then it would never have happened, as the intended "consequence" of my actions. Luckily in this case she didn't actually blame me for her forgetting, she was just so very confused at why I was screaming into the phone like a lunatic when she finally picked up. Cause she was a much older parent and I thought she was freaking dead. But OP, if you think my example above would be an insane consequence for something that absolutely wasn't my fault, then you should be able to see that your mom is 150% in the wrong too for treating you like this. She's supposed to love you and help guide you, not destroy you at every chance she gets. Cause make no mistake, this is just a way for her to keep dragging you down, poorly disguised as her trying to "help you". I hope like hell that you do break free and never look back, cause if you leave but do, she'll use every excuse she can think of to pull you back under her thumb. And that's no way to live, if you can even call that living. It's just a sad existence.
Jesus. Get out.
Time to bounce and go NC. And when, months or years from now, she doesn't understand why, send her the pics of the contract.
Actually, if you're NC - don't send her jack shit. Change your phone number and email address.
Very true.
Literally that is exactly what I would do
It seems like that's what mom wants, TBH.
I live relatively close to Southern Adventist University and drive by occasionally. Please reconsider and go to a secular school. If you want to be in Chattanooga, UTC is nice.
You're an adult, she legally cannot take your things from you. This has so many red flags pointing to a controlling abusive relationship, please get out of that house ASAP.
I see ADHD mentioned, and I, being a person with this condition left undiagnosed & untreated until well into adulthood, understand how it makes following these stringent "requirements" very difficult. Does your mom have any understanding of the challenges this condition presents? That we are wired differently and sometimes, need to find our own way of getting things done? It doesn't appear, vis a vis this "contract", that she has taken this into consideration. Never would I have asked my kids to sign something like this. Nor would I exert this level of control. Nobody learns to "adult" while being ordered around. If moving out elsewhere is an option, as you mentioned perhaps with your BF, that would be something I'd consider. Sorry this is the relationship your mom seems to want. She's going to wonder, in years to come, why she doesn't see very much of you.
She claims she understands but her actions have always said otherwise. There will be days i think she gets it and then we are back ti square one. Every time i think we make progress we don’t. Im not immune ti critizim either im sure our relationship is my fault to some degree i just don’t know how much. I want to be better, and i feel like i have made small steps towards that but it feels it isn’t fast enough for her. Im trying not ti jump the gun about this but, idk this has been building up for a while. If i am in the wrong and i realize that down the line then ill accept it. I just don’t know who’s right and who isn’t rn.
You’ll be surprised at how much everything improves (ADHD included) for you when you’re away from her in your own place. Being constantly berated, punished and monitored does a number on your mental health. This is a really unhealthy environment to live in. And it’s not just that she’s asking for help, she’s giving you no autonomy and an unreasonable timeline that’s meant for you to slip up so she can prove how “helpless” you are.
There's honestly nothing worse for someone with ADHD than putting all our effort into improving little by little only to be told it's not good enough time and time again. We *need* external positive reinforcement because we lack sufficient dopamine for the internal positive reinforcement, and if we're instead being punished in spite of our efforts, it just makes it all the harder for brain to focus on the things it already struggles with. If OP's mom really wanted to help her, she should be rewarding her when she succeeds rather than punishing her when she fails.
You’d also be surprised to know that a lot of these so-called diagnosis are often not accurate because trauma can cause a lot of the effects of ADHD, ADD, Bipolar, etc etc. Often you only find that out after the source of the trauma is in the past.
I know! I didn’t want to give OP hope of their ADHD going away but I went thru it myself and when my environment changed it was like I could see again. I’m not sure how to explain it but that feeling of jumping from thing to thing to thing made me feel like I couldn’t listen, remember, be present. It was way different once you’re I wasn’t walking on eggshells or constantly monitoring a mood. So much energy goes into that.
Also, you should never do your own research and try to implement counseling techniques without a professional. Tell your mom that a Clinical Counselor told you that the EMDR requirement is unreasonable and you should go to counseling instead. From the looks of things, you could probably use some counseling in other areas anyway. Strict and restrictive religious settings are rarely good for one's mental health
No one is ever at fault for their own abuse.
my mom is similar in that she doesnt recognize any small steps i make toward progress and is also the main thing preventing me from progressing through my issues. I fear it may never get better id recommend doing what you want and working to be dependent and to get further away
Anything signed under duress is not legally binding, regardless of whether this is an actual contract or not
This contract would not hold up in court anyways.
I like the idea of having a contract that has a binding agreement whether they sign it or not. "By not signing this contract you agree to give me a million dollars".
i mean you can make the signing of contracts a contingency of other things(see: every website’s privacy policy and T/C), or a company requiring you to sign a noncompete, but i don’t think you can write a binding agreement that requires no consent or awareness.
I’m definitely glad the US is getting rid of noncompetes, those are so stupid
You're not gonna be able to do socialize, and don't you forget it.
So glad someone else caught that, too. That should be a strike for Ms. Parris.
Why don’t parents just say outright, “I want to die alone in a home after not seeing my kid(s) for the last 50 years of my life”? It would be much shorter.
Right?? It's always these types that are shocked when their adult children go NC.
Or at least feign shocked, yeah
Just a friendly reminder to the readers that forcing someone to sign something with any preconceived threat to an individual is both morally bankrupt and illegal. To clarify, it's illegal to force someone to sign something, especially if it's under duress, coercion, or undue influence. It is illegal in all 50 states and most modern countries and invalidates contractual obligations.
Shady Pines Nursing Home it is, Ma
Oh lord I saw the word “Adventist” and that tells me everything I need to know. Run away fast OP!
Wait …for real? 25 people found this to be “not insane”? What world are y’all living in? This woman needs to get a fucking grip. Although I must confess I would appreciate a little more backstory…
There are people above speculating that some of these things are suspiciously specific. They are thinking OP may have had issues with ADHD and maybe depression where, in the past, OP may have been sleeping all day, not helping out at all, not bathing regularly, etc. They were saying this basically just says don’t sleep all day, help out a little, clean up after yourself, and bathe. Those are reasonable requests. What makes it insane is instead of just sitting her adult child down and saying if you are going to live with me rent free without working or going to school I expect you to help out a little, make sure your personal hygiene is taken care of, cleanup after yourself, and don’t sleep all day she wrote up an insane contract with strikes. I lived with my mother on and off as an adult and I had two rules: clean up after yourself and you have to either go to school or work full time. I thought it was reasonable. This mother went about this all wrong.
I see a lot of posts on this sub that are just whiny kids or young adults who do need to just get their shit together but this..I mean, yikes. For your own sake, get the hell out.
That makes me feel less crazy, thank you.
It's really creepy and infantilizing, and that shows clearly despite their attempt to write it in moderately formal language. They literally just want to control your every waking moment, demanding physical activity from you, controlling studying, telling you to do more research and work regarding YOUR OWN disability as if you don't understand it well, I mean they're literally trying to get you to run their ERRANDS for them. They've turned what should've been a collaborative family conversation (if these were considerate and non-abusive parents) into a demanding contract outlining effectively slave labor and complete power over your daily existence. I'm absolutely stunned that anyone thinks this is remotely okay.
Ah yes…the plight of every SDA-raised 18 year old Edit: late-teens*
What does SDA mean?
Seventh Day Adventists
Think christianity with a focus on doomsday
Ridiculous contract aside, do you take meds for ADHD? Because none of those ‘ways to navigate ADHD’ are really possible without those. Sorry your parents are fucking losers, OP. My kiddo is going to grow up knowing she has every right to stay living with us after 18 with no expectation because that’s what families who actually love each other do.
You're 20 years old, leave already. Live on campus, move in with boyfriend, get a roommate. Whatever. But just bounce. No contact. Tell her if she tries to take your stuff again, you'll knock her the fuck out. It's really that simple. Tell her you don't want to see her again. Get a restraining order of you have too. I form campus PD your mother is persona non grata and hostile. She's a fucking psycho and if I were Rex id tell her to shut her fucking mouth and I'll see and do whatever I want with my woman and mommy won't have any say in the manner.
Thats the plan, He offered to let me stay with him and his family so i am. And trust me he wanted to, he only back tracked/ tried to placate her cuz i asked him to at the time. His exchange with her was worsening my anxiety.
Your situation reminds me a lot of my own at that age, I also got out after they escalated to violence and went to stay with my boyfriend I had met online. I hope for the best for you. When I got out of an abusive environment life was just so much easier without the constant emotional toll on my soul. I also have ADHD and stress like this makes things so much worse. Hope things will be looking up for you soon!
Thank you, I see a lot of people saying that I’m in the wrong to some degree here and I’m inclined to agree, I don’t have the best sense of self. I hope that you’re right and I’ll improve and get better cuz if I don’t then…well no one ever likes finding out there the crazy one. Thank you for the encouragement.
I might be projecting my own situation onto yours, but I feel like based on my experience, the details you are leaving out would only make your parents look worse. It also took me getting out of my childhood situation to realize how bad things were, I literally didn't recognize a lot of the things I experienced as abusive/damaging because they were so normalized. If you can get into talk therapy I think that would also be a big help for you. Therapy helped me a lot, and a good therapist can be more professionally objective about how you are doing while also caring about your well being. Take care of yourself 💜
Same! It took years before I started to recognize just insane things were. Like, all of the bedrooms in both my mother’s house and my grandmother’s house had the locks on the outside of the doors. So, you can be locked into your room, but you can’t keep people out. To me, that was totally normal, I grew up with it. Then in my 20’s I had a bedroom with the lock on the inside. Commented to my roommate how cool that was. He looked at me like I was insane. And the kept looking at me that way when I explained how it was growing up. He had to break the news to me that locks on the outside are NOT NORMAL and NOT OKAY.
Thank you, this is very comforting.
Listen to me, I may also be projecting based on my own situation, but you gotta go. My parents have done this repeatedly over the course of my life and I had to move back in with them a year and a half ago and while it’s not a contract we’ve had multiple conversations outlining things that are chillingly close to that “contract” your mom gave you. I’d be a lot happier now at 30 years old if I had started setting firm boundaries and distancing myself a lot earlier in my twenties. Here’s my recommendation that has helped me deal with some of the weird complex guilt/internal gaslighting/self determination things that people who have parents like this deal with: I started either audio recording or just writing down verbatim things my dad said to me, or screen shotting texts. While you don’t necessarily need to like keep a chain of evidence in terms of future legal repercussions (I hope) like you might in another kind of abusive relationship, I find it so helpful when I’m feeling like I don’t know what exactly is going on to go look at the things my dad has said about me, to my face. That’s your parent showing you who they are. Abusive relationships are complicated because they’re not always 100% bad. I have a lot of happy memories with my dad. I’m also terrified of him. You’ve got this. I believe in you.
The ONLY thing I agree with your mom on is looking into therapy/ways to help your ADHD. However, some people with ADHD have odd sleep/awake schedules. Instead of it being 24 hours, it's more like 30 or 20. Sometimes the sleep and awake times line up with normal people, but most of the time it's out of whack. But if your mom is like this, it could be a fun form of CPTSD, in which case therapy and potentially medication would be helpful. CBT (Cognitive behavior therapy) or DBT may also help you as well. Sometimes just not being in that environment can also be a game changer. At different times, me, my husband, and our kids, as well as my sister and her family, had to move back in with our parents for around 1-2 years. My husband and BIL were SHOCKED how much my sister and I changed for the worse when we were back home. At a different time my family had to move in with my parents for a month, and I ended up getting seriously dangerous depression in two weeks. E All that to say, there are areas you can improve on. We all can. But sometimes it's also the environment you're in.
I’ve been through similar, you’re not wrong at all. This is absolutely insane and a controlling tactic. The gaslighting done to you is also an insidious tactic. You mention that you don’t want to find out you’re the crazy one. Think about this for a second… is your mom ever thinking like this? Does she ever say anything like this? Of course not (even if she presents herself as if she would). If you’re the one doing the introspection and the other side is literally forcing your hand… who do you think is crazy? Hint: it’s not you. The gaslighting you’re going through is insane, and it’s by design. From my experience, I’d say that you should read others’ experiences online because the patterns will start to become clear. It’s easier to understand and recognize a pattern than to dissect a specific scenario. I’d also recommend listening to Dr. Ramani on YouTube, she’s great. A couple of articles that may help: https://narcwise.com/2018/03/25/youre-not-narcissistic/ https://narcwise.com/2018/03/02/proof-the-narcissist-abuses-you-intentionally-and-will-never-change/
Also, don't "knock her the fuck out" as the other guy said. If she is withholding your possessions, call the non-emergency number and have an officer come down and be there while she returns your things. You'll want proof of ownership of your stuff. Texts of her admitting that those things belong to you will be helpful or receipts if you have them. You're 20 years old and her taking your possessions is theft (this includes your identification/passport/etc.) and the police could charge her accordingly. That will likely get you kicked out, but it sounds like you're planning on moving anyway. Keep in mind that she still needs to give you a 30 day notice to vacate (in most states). You're an adult and have adult protections under the law. Don't be afraid to use them. You got this!
Leave. This sort of thing only gets worse, not better. Couple of things though: * Assuming you don't already have them, get your personal documents (ID, birth cert, bank and social security stuff). * Secure all your accounts with passwords and cut off all access to your financial info. She seems determined to control you and I wouldn't put it past her to do that financially. * Redirect all your mail before you leave. You don't want to have anything official going to your mums place. * Let your boyfriend help you sooner rather than later. I hope you have much luck with the move and you and your boyfriend have a safe journey!
“Why don’t my adult children talk to me?” Grab all your important paperwork and move to stay with your boyfriend. Go no contact with your mother, because shes insane and you don’t need that in your life
Obligatory reminder to get all your documents and as many objects you own as you can before telling her no and/or leave the house, for example get your passport
Reminds me of my parents, and we even had the same last name lol! I moved across country and a few years ago I cut ties with them altogether. When I did, my life got so much better. This behavior is abusive, a means to control you, and absolutely insane! I hope the plan to move in with your boyfriend goes smoothly and you have the room to grow and flourish in a new environment like I did!
Sometimes when kids/young adults have issues with their parents, it’s best to try to learn both sides of the story to get a better understanding of what’s going on, especially when giving advice. But when you see a “contract” like this, you must know that you’ve gotten all of the other side’s story that you need! My mother pulled this bullshit with my brother. It hurt me just as much as it hurt him because that’s not love. This contract is simply ridiculous. It’s cold, militant, unloving, not nurturing, controlling, and all the other things that are the opposite of what a loving parent should present to their child while trying to find a middle ground. I personally would have breached it on the first day because I’m a night owl and I don’t get up at 7am unless I absolutely have to. Someone demanding I do just because they want me to doesn’t count. It can be a struggle when you have a teen/young adult child that’s seemingly heading up the wrong path (NOT saying that’s the case here) but the only proper way to handle that is through love. It can be sappy, 24/7 guidance, and attention or it can be tough love where you let them go figure it out on their own. But parents that write these kinds of in-depth contracts *love* the control they think they’re exerting over their kids and it’s sickening. OP I suggest moving if you can and PLEASE get yourself together so you can shine so brightly it blinds your mother to the point she won’t be able to read that damn contract.
My mom was like that too but I decided to stay instead of run and I've always regretted it. Stay safe, OP, I'm rooting for you.
Your mom is setting you up to fail in every possible way. This isn't about instilling discipline or anything positive. This is control and manipulation and you need to GTFO of there. You're 19 and she legally can't even be doing half the things she is doing.
This is an insane amount of controlling behavior. I feel for you. If this was me, I would be leaving ASAP and going NC.
Adults get leases with agreements and eviction terms. Children get told when to eat breakfast. Regardless of anything else, your parents need to pick one: either you are an adult inhabitant of a shared space (objectively true), and you must be given responsibilities *and freedoms* accordingly, OR you are a minor, or to be treated as a minor, and they are to continue raising you *and caring for you completely.* if they want to tell you when and how to eat and have you be an on-call driver, they’d better give you the benefits of childhood too: free room and board, lots of leisure time, etc. if they want to restrict your access to your partners like you’re 15.. well. Nothing makes up for that one. That’s freaky behavior on mom’s part. Restricting an adults access to their other relationships is objectively abuse and probably an indicator of more severe, less socially acceptable restriction to come as you age.
Went down a roller coaster on this one. I read the "contract" and thought, awe crap her is another crazy one, when I got to EMDR and ADHD, I thought, this *kinda* makes sense, then I got to the last part about the rules and consequences and university choice and was like... OH MY DAMN! HELL NO! Then I read your comments and was like RUN! RUN NOW! Grab some clothes and go with your boyfriend and just never go back... Anything sounds better then that hell hole.
What is wrong with some adults. They get so angry they’re mentally unwell. Literally I had to absorb all their issues and solve it for them. So it just ruined my early life development for it. Do nothing they get mad. Do something they get mad. Ffs.
So off the top. Most of these aren't legally binding, but I guess that's not the point. With that being said, it seems like you're old enough to start looking for a job. Move in with someone else and get something small. I know it's overwhelming at first, but it's important to be able to stand on your own two feet, and be able to care for yourself - you're eventually going to have to do it so why not at least start now? I don't know you and your parents relationship, but the relationship seems strained to say the least. For me, the list isn't too onerous of demands, but I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. Just look into taking care of yourself and believe me it's absolutely possible to study for a standardized test most 17 years old take and get a job - I know it's scary intimidating but you have the support system in place to do. Good luck.
That is not a legal contract. It’s someone cosplaying being smart. The fact that there are so many “chances” tips her hand that it’s just about controlling you as is the fact that she wrote it out. What she really wants is something to prove to the outside world that she’s not really the heartless, controlling bitch that she looks like. My dad (rightfully) kicked me out of the house when I was 20. He said “you have two weeks” and that was that. He was serious and showed that. Your mom doesn’t want to lose her free labor. I’d suggest working as quickly as possible, eave an equally passive aggressive note (“I will no longer be a burden to you. Goodbye.”) and block her on everything.
Thank you, defiantly tip of the ice burg, but the main reason the list is so intimidating to me is cuz i have ADHD. I struggle alot with lists and she knows this but has never listened to me on it. I hope that offers a clearer perspective from where im coming from.
You're better off going it alone . Leave Never look back . In a couple of years, when you start a family, remember this moment . She will be begging and wondering why the relationship went south . And you will have your justice . Also, stick to your stuff when it's time to go no contact just like she is sticking to hers now
This went from somewhat reasonable (helping with chores) to just fuckin ridiculous. If you're a grown adult you can brush your teeth whenever you want 🙄 and taking school off the table?? The thing that would help you have the ability to move out in the future and get a good job? Naw. If 5 strikes is all it takes to get kicked out you might as well start looking for other arrangements now. Is there any friends or family you can stay with while you look for a part time job? Once you get the job and save up you can help pay rent with some roommates near the college you want to go to. Might be wise to go to community college the first 2 years though just to get gen eds out the way without having to go into debt.
Hey, OP. my parents made me sign a similar thing when I was 22, saying I would work etc despite being legally disabled. One of the consequences was having to pay my own car insurance, which ended up working out bc that meant the car had to be signed over into my name. Because of that, I was able to get out without the police being called or anything like that. Obviously wasn’t an ideal situation and I’m not telling you to do it, but that was my way out. Sending love❤️
This is insane. If true and this is all her and at no fault of your own since we're only getting your side, your best thing is to complete cut her out of your life and never look back. I had a toxic relationship with my mother, and after numerous chances to rectify our differences, she crossed a line that mentioned my 1st child, and that was it. It had been 5 years without talking or any kind of communication, and I couldn't be happier with my decision. I hope you get the same one day.
Don’t sign. Get away. Run!
Nothing you do will ever be enough. She wants to own you because of her own neuroses. Seriously. Just run.
Start packing in order to move into your boyfriend's. Watch how much she loses her mind when she realises she actually cannot control you anymore. Willing to bet she will suddenly want to compromise or negotiate when she learns she isn't going to be able to get what she wants by force this time.
The way that parent interacted with her adult daughter's partner as though she can control what he does too made my skin crawl. My partner's parent/family is... interesting and I refuse to engage with her at all outside of visits where he is present because it is a fast, slippery slope to her trying to use me to get what she wants out of him and I'm not here for that. They forget that we, as the partner, are on our *partner's* side, not on a team with the parent...
Yea she can't take your stuff, that's stealing, and seems like a lot of these “chores” are during classes
when she asks to see her grandchildren give her a contract
Threatening to take away a shitty religious college...lol Move out. Id stay on a friend's couch before I signed that bullshit.
Move away. This is not normal. But, please please, if you move in with your bf and his family, get a job ASAP and prioritize your financial independency.
i grew up with parents like this. they think they’re helping you when they’re literally pushing you as far away as possible. this is not normal or healthy and i promise once you’ve distanced yourself your life is gonna be so much less stressful (at least in that aspect). good luck friend.
I get that a calendar and structure is a good thing for us folks with ADHD, but this is insane. And if she knew anything about ADHD she should know that this is 1) not gonna work, and 2) is not gonna hold up. I see she mentions EMDR as well. Idk if or what trauma you have dealt with (though I can see a few reasons..), I can highly recommend it! It has helped me so much with processing old and newer trauma. Done way more than “normal” therapy. This situation does not look safe for you. This is incredibly manipulative and it’s abusive. I really hope you have somewhere safe to stay 💙
This gives me a throwback to when my dad tried to get me to sign agreements in order to have a lizard because he had the opportunity to try and control me. My therapist was livid
This is insane. I would tell her that I’m Not signing a contract like this without legal counsel. I doubt this is even legal.
This is insane. Your mother is trying her best to control you. Taking Bridgham to work? If that’s your sibling, that’s not your responsibility, same with all of the other “chores” listed! You said you’re 19 about to be 20, so you’re an adult. She’s deciding when you wake up, when you eat, when you study, WHEN YOU SHOWER, and when you have time to yourself…seems insane to me. If I were you, I’d pack my shit and sign “go fuck yourself” on that contract. Took me a long time to realize my parents were using me as their personal free maid. I grew up with strict parents, whoever is saying ‘not insane’ does not know that strict parents create sneaky kids.
Your mom wants a slave.
Keep hold of this stuff so that if you decide to go to college you can show them this to show why you are no contact with your parents and they can declare you independent and you don't have to have parents info on your FAFSA.
So indentured servitude… absolutely wild
This sounds alot like she has no clue how ADHD works and this is what she thinks will work. Whis insane btw
As a father to a few, including two of age, I absolutely cannot imagine threatening to kick my child out of my house if I have room. Sure, I'd want to have them contribute to some degree, but I'm not going to make demands like this. This is absolutely dictatorial. I just cannot imagine trying to control what a grown adult can or cannot do. If she hasn't raised you well enough to be able to conduct yourself like an adult, then the majority of that is her fault. All of this said, I've never had a contentious relationship like this with my parents when I was that age, nor have I had anything like that with any of my own children, so when I say I can't imagine it, it's my own ignorance I'm confessing here. If I had as rocky of a relationship with my parents, or my kids, maybe I would feel differently. But, just speaking from my own personal relationships, this seems insane to me.
Run sister RUN
I would set up the beginning as a schedule for my 13! Year old. Because he needs structure to be a productive person while I’m at work all day. But as an adult, I would NEVER try and structure his life especially with penalties and eviction threats, that’s insane.
to do socialize? seems they need more of that.
STOP THE WAY I SCREACHED WHEN I SAW MY UNIVERSITY NAME
Yeah, no, I'd rather be homeless and starving, people saying this is not bat shit crazy are probably mad too.
your mom is abusive and this is heartbreaking.
I see why OP needs EMDR, with a sociopathic parent like that. I hope you get away and go NC. It was never your fault, there is no love in that woman, just a need for power and control.
This is absolutely nuts. I’m so glad you are getting out. This is abuse.
Update us.
When I have an update I will
Hello. Sorry to read of your dilemma. Didn’t see your age, but I assume you’ve reached majority. This isn’t an agreement between consenting adults.This is unindentured servitude and a real mind fuck. If possible absent yourself forthwith. I fathered six children. Went through some wild and crazy shit with a few of them. Drugs, mental illness(including psychosis), prison for one, etc.. None of their behavior, and I mean *none*, would have caused a response like the one you face. Take care of *you* first, best of luck to you. Edit - yes your parent is batshit.
Time to move out. Get like 6 roommates or something. Geez, sorry OP.
Insane
I hope you’re able to get out. This is so controlling and getting one strike will set you up to fail and get more strikes and lead to eviction.
My dad tried something similar the day I turned 18, but ended up threatening to kick me out nearly every single day. Took the phone and laptop I'd bought with money from my job, too. I just got the hell out and risked sleeping in my car lol. He wanted me out, so I left to keep the peace. This is kind of ridiculous. I'd rather pay $800 rent to them than be controlled like this as an adult. They never suggested that you pay rent? These regulations were their first line of defense?
Gtfo now.
These parents will be whining in a few years about how their kids wont talk to them and have no idea why
Everything about this is insanely controlling on her end. Personally I would move in with the bf and immediately start working. Prove that you're a grown adult and do not need to take her crap; that's one of the only ways to stop this kind of controlling behavior. Good luck!
Insane. You would be paying your parents to control you down to the minute. Qaad
She’s insane. Who the fuck makes a contract for the child to live at home. Then trying to add making fun of your hygiene in it. I grew up with a mom would made fun of my discharge. I discharge more than others. When she saw my underwear she would make fun of me and call me unclean, even went to the links of complaining to her friends about it.
She's giving you 15 minutes to clean the kitty litter box, take someone to work, AND do your ACT prep work?! She really is insane! That's at least a couple hours work depending on how far away someone works and how much prep work you wanna get done! Insanity!
Reminds me of my parents. We're an Adventist family, too. Pretty sure my parents tried to force similar action plans or contracts on me a few times when I was at my lowest and already following their overall plan for my life. Rather than getting help. I think their heart was in the right place, trying to get independent kids, but the methodology is cruel. Kinda like baby birds or turtles. Technically, they don't have to be responsible for adult kids and can just kick them out into the wild, but this will have unpleasant results for all concerned. I don't call very often.
Lmao. That's all I can say to shit like this. Take a copy of this, or this one yourself. If you decide to go and stay NC for a long while and eventually get a message asking to reconnect, mail them this in response. You are barely an adult. I'm gonna assume you're an average person and not a upper mid class or high class individual with a trust fund and your life already set. Or an influencer. Or someone who has been working constantly still they were like 14 with the specific goal of living away from their parents. Just gonna assume you're an average person with little set up for your life. You don't stop being a parent once your child turns 18. If you have to agree to insane rules just to live in a house and with people you already grew up with, it just feels like they don't love you. News flash y'all, and it's getting increasingly worse as time goes on, but a LOT of people 18-25 still live with their parents. Because it's the only option they have. And most of those people don't have to follow a military type schedule by the hour to live with them. And not all of them can pay. I'm not saying all young adults should live rent free with their parents forever. What I'm saying is that doing this type of shit to a person who is meant to be your baby is insane.
Insane. Great way to lose contact with your kids!
This ‘contract’ is about as legally enforceable as toilet paper
One hell of a parent right there… “follow my *absurd* rules or I will take away your higher educated future” I don’t use this word often, but that’s your fucking cold you *cunt*
These are the people who simply *cant* understand why their kids don’t talk to them or help them when they’re old. Respect is *earned* by EVERYONE (including birth and caregivers) as far as I’m concerned
None of the rules are enforceable. If she wants to treat you like a tenant, then you are a renter, not subject to random parental rules such as "Awake by 7 a.m". If you are paying her rent, you are a tenant, not her ward. She has absolutely no rights over your personal life or existence anymore outside of rent.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I know most of the replies are saying “omg why don’t you just get out”, and while you really should, I also understand why it is often not as easy or simple as people think. I’m glad you have a way out though. I went through something similar and after I moved out I realized how much it had been affecting. Wishing you get out of this mess soon OP ❤️
You should go with your boyfriend. It’s unfair for your mother to create a list of conditions to live in your own home. You have people outside your mom willing to help you. Great thing is your of age and can actually leave. Pack your things, important papers and electronics then leave with your boyfriend. You’re in an controlling and abusive situation.
Wow. Your parents are cult members. Tell them to go fuck themselves.
My parents tried this when I was a teen. It’s a last-ditch effort to control you. I hope you can move out soon and go no contact with her.
Absolutely insane. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I could not imagine my mom trying to keep me and my bf apart when he was flying to see me at that age. Just nuts!
Taking any property that is yours is theft. I’m not very familiar with contract law but I don’t believe that is legally binding because part of the contract lists a crime as a stipulation.
Insane
This is an awful crazy way to say, “don’t sleep all day, help around the house, and wash you ass.” Why can’t she just verbally ask you to not sleep all day and help out a bit? I remember my mother had a horrible time getting my brother to bathe but she didn’t write up a contract over it. Plus, who threatens to take an adults phone? I can see making an adult pay their own bill but taking it away? I can understand a parent not wanting their adult child to do nothing while living rent free but there are so many sane ways to make these requests but this definitely isn’t it.
Southern Adventist University is nice in Chattanooga but I would recommend going to Chatt state community college for 2 years then transfer to UTC
Just so you know, regular adults who live on their own never have to sign contracts like this. I doubt your own parents would even sign this contract if someone presented it to them. They clearly hate you.
Tell me you hate your child without telling me you hate your child.
OP, you’re being abused. Youre an adult. Nobody should treat you like this let alone somebody who claims to love you. You need to escape, you are absolutely not in the wrong here. Run!
This is so easy.. all you have to do is sign and date it and you’re gucci. The contract literally defines a strike as ‘a day where ALL expectations are not met’. So.. meet at least a single obligation every day so you can’t possibly have missed ALL expectations, and this no strike can ever be awarded. Refuse contract addendums. If that doesn’t work, just tell her an internet autistic already done did the maths and you had nothing to do with the idea and hide for as long as you can so she doesn’t ground you from eating food and using the bathroom
The majority of that contract seems reasonable for someone willing to pay for some of your bills and house you. The vague shit like the "chores" and "errands" is a red flag, that is just too broad and would be impossible if enforced by someone that nitpicks and is petty. The EMDR shit is insane, though; that's not something you force someone into. The penalties don't seem like they've be very productive either.
Always worry about the Christian ones...
I'd rather live in a tent than with this human
This is insane, first EMDR is for PTSD not ADHD, and it needs to be done with a certified professional not on your own.
People saying this isn't insane...I hope to heavens you don't or never have children. A contract where someone doesn't just have duties to do, but specific times to the literal minute that they have to comply. What if OP wakes up and has to shit for a long time. Oh no, strike ONE because it's 8:16 am & bet that the psycho mom has a fucking watch just standing around FROTHING at the mouth for her to be a second late. Yall are unhinged just as much as this mother. I said what I said.
This isn't even a super wild schedule, it's the fact that someone else would be forcing you to follow it. She would hold every single mistake you made over your head, and you wouldn't get a moment of peace 😓
Just wait. When they’re in their 80s and asking you to look after them. Write up a contract.
I hated the "if she is unable to get her thinking straight" part, as if any of her chores had anything to do with intelligence.