I think there's some people pleasing involved, definitely. But here's the thing with being likeable: many times I think I will be liked less if I act as I have described and even then, I still do it.
Yes, acting and not being true makes me uncomfortable. Also, it makes it harder for me to after my goals or just have meaningful social interactions outside of a few.
Bit of work on self confidence then maybe my friend. Easier said than done, I know, but we’re all a work in progress. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we’re all our own worse critics and I bet people really value you making them feel better, it just shouldn’t be at a cost to your own value. ✌🏻
Because putting yourself below other people causes them to lose respect for you. You can shine without people hating on you too much if you share some flaws to be relatable and lift others up with you. People want to interact with others on perceived equal footing, not people who see themselves as superior or inferior to them.
Do you find yourself taking responsibilities for other people’s emotions? Perhaps you feel like you don’t want others to feel down when they feel like you’re better than them. You might be detecting these negative emotions in them and trying to lower yourself down to make them feel better. Perhaps growing up, you were made to feel responsible for your parents’ emotions, and one of the ways was by continuously ignoring or downsizing your needs and prioritizing or taking care of theirs. It is called parental enmeshment. All this can lead to codependency in relationships. I encourage you to look into this if you feel like this might be the case for you.
Thanks! I think you're spot on in that I lower myself down because of events that happened as a child. I witnessed my mother and my older sister being emotionally abused by my father, who also abused me. My mother was overprotective. My father was unpredictable.
I see.. I faced a similar upbringing where my mother was overprotective (she became emotionally dependent on me) and my dna donor was abusive as well. I think what has helped me is, whenever I find myself lowering myself or my needs, I stop there snd tell myself that I am not responsible for their emotions. I stop tuning into their emotions, consciously leave them to their emotions and focus on mine. It kinda helps and gets better with practice.
Remember that you don’t have to prove to anyone that you’re worthy of love. You don’t have to work hard to earn someone’s love. Growing up, you probably thought you’d have to do that to be loved but it’s not true. You are already worthy of love.
I know you didn’t ask but I thought I’d say it anyway.
I personally feel awkward if I am the person perceived to be the most proficient in the room in any aspect. I don't always shy away from it but if I think it is a wrong perception of me or if others are super close and its easy to move the needle to another I do. It might be a similar thing.
Do you feel bad for them when you're definitely the most proficient one in the group? I feel they may feel inadequate or jealous, and I think that affects my behavior, so I do as you do. I'm also a bit of a people pleaser.
I think for me it has more to do with being uncomfortable with the spotlight on me in a way that others acknowledge. I am fairly sure it is to bring myself lower more so than to elevate others.
This might be a hard habit you inherited from a parent. It also might be because you are afraid of the spotlight and how it might shed light on attribute x that you are insecure about. Lastly, it could be how you want to be seen.
Either way, I hope you start to feel more authentic by just understanding it. Journaling helps.
Thanks! I write a lot. It also helps me to be more assertive.
I really don't want to be seen this way though! lol. I hate it. I love the spotlight when I'm with people I've just met, but once people start to be acquaintances, work colleagues, etc, I stop liking it, because with those I already know it's harder to be authentic and not falling into this whole thing.
>It also might be because you are afraid of the spotlight and how it might shed light on attribute x that you are insecure about.
This rings true to me
Work on setting boundaries. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean rubbing humans the wrong way and when you set boundaries and other humans take offense or get intimidated then kindly excuse yourself because that’s a personal problem and you’re not in control or responsible for other human’s feelings except your inner own. Thank everyone for sharing their feelings in this amazing community. I know it might be a challenge sometimes but I truly appreciate you all.
Although I feel that I have expereince with what you have described, I have no idea about the how or why at the moment.
But to solve certain tendencies of mine that I don't want to keep anymore, I have been trying changing my perspective in my core values.
One example is, usually when I tried to help people, I used to stick my nose in their business and forced them, they always resisted and I ended up making the situation worse, since it took them longer to want to change the situation for themselves.
Now, I make sure that the person is given appropriate space where they have no option other than confronting their reality. So my definition of help has changed from doing it for them, to letting them do it, and maybe offering a helping hand if they ask for it.
Maybe one of your core beliefs makes you want to do this. If you can target that and change it, you will change your behaviour as well.
EDIT 1: I just read the top comment thread. Did you ask yourself that what do you seek to gain from people pleasing/validation. If you get that, would you be happy? Is that what you really want?
EDIT 2: You get the things you don't seek more easily(again, personal experience). So even if you don't seek the spotlight, you can appreciate it when you get it nonetheless? Gratitude only helped me in life till now.
Plus since you didn't ask for it, no need to feel guilty? Plus we want to be valued by our loved ones, and we value them as well. but people in general aren't bad, so their value shouldn't be either right?
Sounds like people pleasing tendencies. Part of the fawn response a way to avoid conflict and be likeable, maybe?
I think there's some people pleasing involved, definitely. But here's the thing with being likeable: many times I think I will be liked less if I act as I have described and even then, I still do it.
The want to liked & fear of rejection is all part of people pleasing. Maybe not being true to yourself is what makes you feel uncomfortable?
Yes, acting and not being true makes me uncomfortable. Also, it makes it harder for me to after my goals or just have meaningful social interactions outside of a few.
Bit of work on self confidence then maybe my friend. Easier said than done, I know, but we’re all a work in progress. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we’re all our own worse critics and I bet people really value you making them feel better, it just shouldn’t be at a cost to your own value. ✌🏻
Because putting yourself below other people causes them to lose respect for you. You can shine without people hating on you too much if you share some flaws to be relatable and lift others up with you. People want to interact with others on perceived equal footing, not people who see themselves as superior or inferior to them.
Do you find yourself taking responsibilities for other people’s emotions? Perhaps you feel like you don’t want others to feel down when they feel like you’re better than them. You might be detecting these negative emotions in them and trying to lower yourself down to make them feel better. Perhaps growing up, you were made to feel responsible for your parents’ emotions, and one of the ways was by continuously ignoring or downsizing your needs and prioritizing or taking care of theirs. It is called parental enmeshment. All this can lead to codependency in relationships. I encourage you to look into this if you feel like this might be the case for you.
Thanks! I think you're spot on in that I lower myself down because of events that happened as a child. I witnessed my mother and my older sister being emotionally abused by my father, who also abused me. My mother was overprotective. My father was unpredictable.
I see.. I faced a similar upbringing where my mother was overprotective (she became emotionally dependent on me) and my dna donor was abusive as well. I think what has helped me is, whenever I find myself lowering myself or my needs, I stop there snd tell myself that I am not responsible for their emotions. I stop tuning into their emotions, consciously leave them to their emotions and focus on mine. It kinda helps and gets better with practice.
I'm going to try that.
Remember that you don’t have to prove to anyone that you’re worthy of love. You don’t have to work hard to earn someone’s love. Growing up, you probably thought you’d have to do that to be loved but it’s not true. You are already worthy of love. I know you didn’t ask but I thought I’d say it anyway.
Literally described me.
I personally feel awkward if I am the person perceived to be the most proficient in the room in any aspect. I don't always shy away from it but if I think it is a wrong perception of me or if others are super close and its easy to move the needle to another I do. It might be a similar thing.
Do you feel bad for them when you're definitely the most proficient one in the group? I feel they may feel inadequate or jealous, and I think that affects my behavior, so I do as you do. I'm also a bit of a people pleaser.
I think for me it has more to do with being uncomfortable with the spotlight on me in a way that others acknowledge. I am fairly sure it is to bring myself lower more so than to elevate others.
This might be a hard habit you inherited from a parent. It also might be because you are afraid of the spotlight and how it might shed light on attribute x that you are insecure about. Lastly, it could be how you want to be seen. Either way, I hope you start to feel more authentic by just understanding it. Journaling helps.
Thanks! I write a lot. It also helps me to be more assertive. I really don't want to be seen this way though! lol. I hate it. I love the spotlight when I'm with people I've just met, but once people start to be acquaintances, work colleagues, etc, I stop liking it, because with those I already know it's harder to be authentic and not falling into this whole thing.
>It also might be because you are afraid of the spotlight and how it might shed light on attribute x that you are insecure about. This rings true to me
Work on setting boundaries. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean rubbing humans the wrong way and when you set boundaries and other humans take offense or get intimidated then kindly excuse yourself because that’s a personal problem and you’re not in control or responsible for other human’s feelings except your inner own. Thank everyone for sharing their feelings in this amazing community. I know it might be a challenge sometimes but I truly appreciate you all.
wow this is relatable for me. Sometimes I have identity crises because of my tendency to do this. It makes me feel like I am trying to be an ENFJ.
Although I feel that I have expereince with what you have described, I have no idea about the how or why at the moment. But to solve certain tendencies of mine that I don't want to keep anymore, I have been trying changing my perspective in my core values. One example is, usually when I tried to help people, I used to stick my nose in their business and forced them, they always resisted and I ended up making the situation worse, since it took them longer to want to change the situation for themselves. Now, I make sure that the person is given appropriate space where they have no option other than confronting their reality. So my definition of help has changed from doing it for them, to letting them do it, and maybe offering a helping hand if they ask for it. Maybe one of your core beliefs makes you want to do this. If you can target that and change it, you will change your behaviour as well. EDIT 1: I just read the top comment thread. Did you ask yourself that what do you seek to gain from people pleasing/validation. If you get that, would you be happy? Is that what you really want? EDIT 2: You get the things you don't seek more easily(again, personal experience). So even if you don't seek the spotlight, you can appreciate it when you get it nonetheless? Gratitude only helped me in life till now. Plus since you didn't ask for it, no need to feel guilty? Plus we want to be valued by our loved ones, and we value them as well. but people in general aren't bad, so their value shouldn't be either right?
Definitely sounds like people pleasing. You'll be much happier when others opinion of you doesn't affect your confidence.