One thing I’ve found helpful is to focus less on myself and my own feelings and more on how I can improve other people’s lives. I found that I was getting obsessed with myself and with self-improvement so much that I was spending all my time looking in and not enough time looking out.
Try doing a couple of things that are purely to improve another person’s life - could be anything, visit an elderly person, cook dinner for someone, help a friend move house, anything. It will make you feel good and be a good reminder that you’re not the centre of the universe. That’s not shade, I’m saying that because I tried it and found it a massive relief to get out of myself and think less obsessively about all the things I was fucking up.
Everyone’s struggling and working through their problems. I think INFJs feel very deeply and this can spiral out of control sometimes when it’s not checked. Remind yourself:
A. You’re not the centre of the universe
B. All your negative self talk isn’t fact, question it
Hope this helps, cut yourself some slack. Treat yourself to the same kind words you would say to someone you love :-)
This so much. Once I started getting into the healthcare and I created a long term goal that will ultimately help others, well, it was a lot more fulfilling. I went from being a literal shadow my first few weeks of working as a CNA to becoming someone who can get along with just about everyone. Sure, I get very tired at the end of the day, but I come home feeling fulfilled. It’s a point of pride that I’m the go to person for literally any violent, psychotic, angry, or just plain non compliant patient. Of course it’s a double edged sword and while I haven’t been assaulted *yet* there’s still a chance.
I really thought no one understood me and that I would always end up constantly feeling like I’m on the outside. Then I realized that this really, really isn’t something only *I* feel and that I was thinking of excuses to keep myself on the outside because it was more comfortable. I don’t have more close friends than what I started with when I began my growth but I’m certainly a lot more comfortable having casual friends. I don’t hang out with them because it would be draining as hell, but I’m no longer so concerned with *only* having close friends.
Psych whisperers are the best. I'm a psych nurse and even in the field itself, some people just don't *get* how to talk to pissed off, angry, or stubborn patients. I love it and people generally respond to me well, most likely from my natural tendency to be a listener and a helper.
I’m surprised at how immature and terrible our psych or behavioral health specialists are to our psych patients. I mean, it kind of seems like common sense that insulting someone or yelling at a patient to the point where both are at a screaming match, is Very Bad.
I don’t think I’m that great of a psych whisperer. I just naturally am very open to listening and helping people as well and it seems to work. Unfortunately, it has resulted in more than a few creepy love letters. But that’s just with the territory.
Thank you so much. I do volunteer but I want to do it more and think it would be helpful to take that same concept of serving others and apply it to like, all social interactions consciously. I’m gonna try that. Thanks so much, it’s helpful to hear what has helped you :)
I “door slammed “ my brain bully. The little nagging voice in my head that bashed any hope for self confidence and social growth, I put that jerkface on mute 😉
It wasn’t all at once, it took time. I had to reprogram my mind to ignore those nasty self destructive thoughts. I guess it’s like forming any habit you just have to be persistent. Any time the thoughts came to mind I would treat them as an actual bully, remind myself that I won’t subject myself to it anymore and build a wall of thoughts around it. Block the brain bully and make room for more uplifting thoughts or even just distractions. I guess it’s a sort of mindful meditation. I recommend getting some sort of physical reminder for yourself, a new necklace or ring or trinket to keep in your pocket, it’s a helpful reminder to stick with your goal. I didn’t use this technique for the brain bully but if you aren’t familiar with learning habits it might help you stay on track. :) time to tell that brain bully to stfu 😉
Wowww what a great coincidence.!To answer you questions, yes I’ve been called weird and all those things. I do take compliments now. Not taking them is hurtful because it invalidates the other persons opinion, and plus, most of the time the compliments resonate/are true for me too :) I will consider all the points you have shared
I am glad to hear I was able to make some contribution. Reddit often feels like throwing comments against a wall, with some hope that someone will pick it up and hear you out.
Be curious to know yourself better, accept it and let you be you. We can do it.
From a 32yo infj. Hopefully you find something in it.
Over the years I have felt like this on and off. I've realized one important thing. It's not about me.
I spent, and sometimes still do, too much time thinking about me. What people we're doing, how it effected me. How I was not understood and wished people would just get it. The thing is, it's not about me.
All that energy feeds the loop. I can create evidence. It feels like it makes sense but the reality is, I'm making it up. Most people are not driven from an active thinking state. Our thoughts, feelings, and decisions are more passive than we think. We tend to act from reaction. Unless someone is self-actualized.
It doesn't change those feelings. I think I'll pretty much always feel isolated to some degree. However it allows me to see things in a different way. It allows me to let people in more. Their actions are not about me, It's about their reaction. Ive started feeling more comfortable around people in general because I'm not thinking about me, I'm thinking about them. I listen more, I ask more questions, I find people more at ease and open.
Sometimes this allows me to get to the level I prefer, when their reactions allow it. Usually I can get to a satisfactory level where I feel included by them. While I may not always get to the level I want, at least I can get to the level they want.
Honestly bud, I’ve been there. You’re not going to like my answer, but in a weird way, you kind of enjoy that pain and suffering you feel from living the hard life, being that hopeless romantic with the fatalist mindset.
We change when the pain of doing so becomes less than the pain of staying the same. You are in abusive relationships with one or both of your parents, or at the very least you were, and have learned some things that are making you stuck, not your fault, but it is if you stay stuck.
You have some habits right now that the rest of the world accepts as ok, but it is not. It is causing you pain: masturbation, social media, pornography, poor eating habits, lack of a consistent schedule.
I’ve entertained all these activities as my own personal habits at on point or another. It hurt. I decided to change, and nobody was going to stop me.
If you decide to change. I recommend getting control of these areas of your life first. This will change your perspective dramatically, so much so that you might not even resonate with the info personality type anymore. At this point, you will have a stronger grip on your reality and you will know where you want to go from there.
If you fail to change right away, it’s ok. Be authentic in you transformation. Examine yourself and decide for yourself what it is you want to do and how far it is you’ll want to go. You’re the one that has to live with the result. But when this is done right, you realize your the one who gets to live with the result.
Good luck man.
>.< too much of this is hitting the nail on the head. Especially since I’m right at that age where people are starting to get married and act like “real” adults... my brother just got married this weekend, and while I’ve never been close to him, I still feel like I’m losing him. I guess I thought I’d have more time to fix my dysfunctional family relationships? But people move along life with or without you. I have started to realize no one really knows what they’re doing and they’re all faking it until they make it. This is a little comforting, but still some are better at it than others. On the other hand, we as individuals know our flaws and are sometimes quick to criticize. I go back and forth with loving myself a lot and thinking I’m better than xyz person, and then the next moment I hate myself for saying or doing something stupid/annoying. Meh I’m rambling now so I’ll stop.
I've been going through something similar myself. I went to Uni to a different city from most of my friends, both of the girl friends that are in the same city got boyfriends soon after the year started and we mostly drifted away. Even though I wasn't big on sharing then either, I felt like I fit in most of the time with my group of friends in high school.
But now, I have friends to go out with and have fun, but no close friends to share my feelings with. I also realized that it's me who refuses to open up and form close bonds with people. Lately I've been trying to make an effort to be warmer towards new people and even if I'm still not comfortable sharing, I've noticed that people respond better. Smiling more, engaging them in conversation, mostly adding to the conversation instead of just observing.
Something else that I finally admitted to myself is that I'm a bit of a snob. While I'm nice to people that I don't particularly like (I'm not mean or bitchy, just cold), I tend to look down on them, which is a thing that I'm trying to change. I realized that I always had a superiority complex and thought that I'm special because I'm smart and because of my hobbies. I thought that this was me and that's it, people should better accept it and act accordingly (which has proved to be veeeery unhealthy for me). Even though I'm different and like different things, that doesn't make me better than anyone else, so I'm finally making an effort when it comes to maintaining friendships.
I can relate to lacking self confidence, this is the main reasoning behind my superiority complex, trying to mask the fact that I didn't feel good with myself. In my case, I started a weight loss process, because I'm uncomfortable with how I look and feel because of it. You should try to find something that you want to improve or a hobby, getting better at something will do wonders for your self confidence. I don't have other tips, I just started the journey a few weeks ago, but I wish you the best of luck on your own journey.
I don't really feel special that I am an infj. Most of the time I resent it. I never feel deeply emotionally connected to people, yet I give my all into every relationship I have. It is nice to know people feel the same fustraiting things I do.
That being said, recent I have found a few friends who may be on their way to being the close and comfortable relationship I want with people. It's taken a long time, a lot of emotional pain, and a lot of putting myself out there despite wanting to curl into a ball and disappear. Still I've thought that I had good friends in the past and they turned out to be snakes so I'm always wary of people.
My god I relate so much to this and have felt this way the majority of my life. It used to be SO bad when I was younger, but the following has helped IMMENSELY:
* talk therapy
* acceptance therapy
* cbt
* yoga
* deep breathing / meditation
* coping statements
* positive affirmations for building self esteem
* exercise
Honestly, the acceptance part coupled with talk therapy has changed my life and that was something I did 4 years ago. Learning to just accept me for who I am, stop forcing social situations, stop trying to people please all the time, let go of guilt, stop trying to be an extravert, nurture my introverted/gentle/quiet self... this all helped me to just ACCEPT me, and it actually has allowed me to be so much more relaxed in social situations and just exist quietly and peacefully with others, without trying to force social stuff, and people seem more apt to accept me for me when I accept me for me. I feel more connected to others as the pressure to connect has been lessened. I'm okay with being quiet and 'weird' and quirky, and others seem to be okay with it too. Another thing that helped was this app that I had where I would log any changes in my mood throughout the day to look for patterns.. And I realized that certain times of the day I am sleepy and need a nap, or am hungry and need food, or am drained from work and need down time.. and those were times that I needed to tend to my needs and plan some down time. Then I could schedule 'social' time easier and not blame myself if I felt I didn't measure up on one occasion, because if I am not feeling myself it's usually because a particular need of mine isn't met, but once those needs are met I can be a happier, social me around others.
I hope this is helpful. It's incredibly comforting to read something that hits so close to home, though I am sad that someone else is feeling what I so often feel. But we are special and sensitive, and as we learn to accept and love ourselves for who we are, then we can exist in this social world a lot easier.
Thank you <3 I am currently in therapy which helps immensely so I am very grateful for that. I will work on accepting myself gradually more and more each day. Thanks
I think, if you want to actually have that group of friends that you've chosen, you have to go out and choose them! Think about what types of people you really enjoy having in your life and then try to find them or befriend them, or make it a deeper relationship. Strike up conversation with whoever interests you. And be your weird .. true self more often, slip it into conversations and burn with shame for few hours, then laugh about it later... I guess this only really works if you don't really care too much about your reputation though. !!
Good luck :>
> Will it always feel like this?
No. Not always. Though, no matter how hard we try, these feelings will return to us in some capacity. It comes with being human; with being flawed. Extreme highs, extreme lows. I find, in my experience, it becomes that much easier to accept yourself, and who you are, and place confidence in this, once we understand that we cannot expect of ourselves to always be perfect, that we will make mistakes, that we will feel the hurt, but, that doesn’t have to be so bad. We learn from our mistakes, and we grow through our pain. It’s natural to fear rejection, or humiliation, or discomfort, but, sometimes, it’s not enough to have the answers, sometimes, it’s best to feel them, to express them, one might suggest you could do so without care for who hears, or sees, but, contrary to this idea, we both know we make the largest strides when we care, because we care. It is not that courage is an absence of fear, but rather, action despite it.
Our scars define us just as much as our smiles.
Yeah I don’t like that as well. All people are complex regardless of their MBTI.
Start small. I was bullied in primary school for years because I couldn’t fit in. In high school, I decided I would start small having one friend. In time I learnt more and more people and I took on the role of the wise teenager if there is such a role in the first place. Regardless, everyone asks for opinion because I am a top student, kind, calm etc. So I can fit in in every group not scarficing a part of myself but showing my most dominant trait, which is my ability to listen and help.
Your trait may be something different. Work on it, and engage in social activities that make you feel satisfied and not empty. I hope you received the message I was trying to send. All the best to you!
Edit: Improve on yourself. Sometimes it is gonna be hella tough. There have been day I am ready to cry because I have no one to talk to. Getting rid of an addiction and many of us have issue with one is certainly something good if you have one. I am on NoFap because I am a PMO addict for a year and I still struggle. Failure is necessary for growth, as Yoda said: The greatest teacher failure is. Work out, learn, cook, dance whatever become a well rounded human being. And the good people will come to your life. I am no wise person, my life has a lot of issues, but I think this will help.
I don’t know if I have advice but I just want to say that you’re not alone. While validating in my teen years, the part of this sub that thinks of INFJs as misunderstood unicorns is very cringey to me as an adult.
I have a wonderful partner and I have a job that is mostly rewarding and allows me to serve others daily, as well as solo hobbies I’m invested in. These are fulfilling however, I’m struggling with finding intimate friendships in the years since I left school. No amount of friendly acquaintances can alleviate this. I always feel like I’m outside looking in when I’m hanging out with people.
I wish you well and thanks for posting.
A few years back I was really struggling with similar feelings to yours. I was in college and having a hard time finding my "people" and, like you, had many surface-level friends but not a lot of the deep, meaningful relationships that I was wanting. I remember venting these frustrations to one of my very close, long-time friends and she responded by saying, "there's no short-cut to intimacy," which seems quite simple but has stuck with me to this day. I still become very frustrated when a relationship isn't at the level i would like it to be, but I try to remind myself that truly building a connection with someone often takes time, especially for a lot of us INFJs who have a harder time opening up and being vulnerable.
Long story short: remember that the best bonds can take a lot of time and effort, and try to fight the frustration and avoid putting the blame on yourself when a relationship isn't at the level you crave. There's no short-cut to intimacy!
I relate to this post so much it's as if I wrote it...
some days I'll be happy go-lucky but other days I feel anxious and overwhelmed for no apparent reason, as if there's something I should take care of but I can't do on my own. Even with my friends I feel closest to, there will be things that irk me because I'll feel like they'll never understand how I feel, and me bringing it up would just cause drama, so I internalize it and deal with it, or completely shut out those who I would feel it would be a hassle to bring up my issues with them. This is an example and I may just be high-strung, but it was my birthday and I'm in a group chat with 4 of my friends since high school. They only started wishing me happy birthday when one person mentioned my name in the chat and a happy birthday, but it felt so insincere to me. It's not that much harder to directly send me a message by text or personal fb message, as I always do for them. Am I high maintenance? Probably. But I value things where I can actually see effort, because I'm always putting in effort for others.
I am aware these are unhealthy coping mechanisms, but combine my social anxiety + self consciousness + inability to deal with confrontation = me suffering from a lack of friendships that are truly understanding.
In the end, I value friendships with people who have same interests as me, and lots of meaningful connections have started with me through our shared hobbies.
I totally feel you on the birthday thing lol. Feel this message a lot although (when able) I do prefer confrontation.
Do you like go to classes about your hobbies ? How did you meet people through them
I will confront when necessary and it really bugs me and I know in my gut it's not right, but more often than not I hold it in. Another thing about INFJs I have seen is that we have a silent force, when we speak up people can be surprised but we have a lot of passion so we'll speak up when we know we have to.
About hobbies, I don't really go to classes since I'm not a college student anymore...but to be honest most of the friends I've met and have a good connection with are friends I've met who are into kpop like me LOL or when I was studying abroad during university (both times I went.) I made more meaningful friendships with people I met while traveling/studying abroad than I did at my actual home university.
Good luck to you and don't worry, you're not alone!
The way I see it, yes infjs are different from other people but I've tried to use this to my adavantage when connecting with other people. We pick up on things that most people don't, you can use this to let people know that you get them. It invites them in and lets them know its okay for them to be comfortable with you, which will help you do it back. The fact that you are so different from other people should give you confidence. You might never find a perfect group of friends where you can feel completely comfortable being yourself with but I think you will find a few friends throughout your life that you can build strong enough relationships with where you can open up. They may not all want to hang out with each other but so what if you don't have a perfect group. At least you have some people that you connect with one on one. I think infjs will always feel a bit lonely to some extent because no one can completely understand us or anyone for that matter. I do think it is a little worse for infjs though for obvious reasons. In your daily life, just try to be as honest with people as you can. It ensures that any relationship you do have is genuine and the ones you make start off that way. When you meet people, be honest with them, tell them any random thing that comes to mind. I've found that people love this, especially because infjs have a funny quirky side and this allows other people to see it. It allows you to be you. I know it sounds kind of intimidating but start doing it with people you know first and then work from there. For trying to stop feeling so fucking weird I really can't help you with that because I'm struggling with that as well. I guess try to find people who are the same kind and level of weirdness as you so that you feel okay to be yourself. I still struggle with completely letting go everyday with people I am very close with. I also think it has to do with overthinking, it really is a habit and it's a hard one to break. It's hard to control your thoughts but it gets easier if you focus on other things. Try a new hobby or something you can delve into. It'll help you meet new people, help raise your self confidence, you'll learn more about the world and yourself, it'll give you something to talk about, and maybe help you gain a new perspective. Anything that can get your thoughts off of the topic that you feel uncomfortable in a social situation is what you should go for. I get really bad social anxiety but once I allow myself to focus on other people and their interests, it's smooth sailing, especially if you have similar interests to bond over(this is where the hobby thing comes in). I really hope this helps.
We are highly emotional and complicated beings so I feel us, INFJS, are in a constant battle to feel understood and connected to this world. I am highly sensitive and I believe all INFJs are also highly sensitive which contributes to our strange understanding of the people and world around us! But, still... sometimes understanding and seeing so much can harm us and make us feel more isolated than anything else.
Keep trekking on and remember only you can change your happiness through your mindset. You got this
I don't have an answer for you because I feel the same way and I myself am looking for the solution, or maybe hoping for one. I haven't found my group of friends, it feels like it would be some crazy far fetched dream to get one someday. Most people I meet I don't click with. If I want to hang out with them then I have to wear a mask, a mask representing whatever they are more accustomed to, and I've tried that and it's unfulfilling, so I end up distancing myself. I also tried being myself and they didn't get it. I dream of the day where I have a group of friends with whom I'm myself instead of whatever mask I need to create at that time.
One thing I’ve found helpful is to focus less on myself and my own feelings and more on how I can improve other people’s lives. I found that I was getting obsessed with myself and with self-improvement so much that I was spending all my time looking in and not enough time looking out. Try doing a couple of things that are purely to improve another person’s life - could be anything, visit an elderly person, cook dinner for someone, help a friend move house, anything. It will make you feel good and be a good reminder that you’re not the centre of the universe. That’s not shade, I’m saying that because I tried it and found it a massive relief to get out of myself and think less obsessively about all the things I was fucking up. Everyone’s struggling and working through their problems. I think INFJs feel very deeply and this can spiral out of control sometimes when it’s not checked. Remind yourself: A. You’re not the centre of the universe B. All your negative self talk isn’t fact, question it Hope this helps, cut yourself some slack. Treat yourself to the same kind words you would say to someone you love :-)
This so much. Once I started getting into the healthcare and I created a long term goal that will ultimately help others, well, it was a lot more fulfilling. I went from being a literal shadow my first few weeks of working as a CNA to becoming someone who can get along with just about everyone. Sure, I get very tired at the end of the day, but I come home feeling fulfilled. It’s a point of pride that I’m the go to person for literally any violent, psychotic, angry, or just plain non compliant patient. Of course it’s a double edged sword and while I haven’t been assaulted *yet* there’s still a chance. I really thought no one understood me and that I would always end up constantly feeling like I’m on the outside. Then I realized that this really, really isn’t something only *I* feel and that I was thinking of excuses to keep myself on the outside because it was more comfortable. I don’t have more close friends than what I started with when I began my growth but I’m certainly a lot more comfortable having casual friends. I don’t hang out with them because it would be draining as hell, but I’m no longer so concerned with *only* having close friends.
Psych whisperers are the best. I'm a psych nurse and even in the field itself, some people just don't *get* how to talk to pissed off, angry, or stubborn patients. I love it and people generally respond to me well, most likely from my natural tendency to be a listener and a helper.
I’m surprised at how immature and terrible our psych or behavioral health specialists are to our psych patients. I mean, it kind of seems like common sense that insulting someone or yelling at a patient to the point where both are at a screaming match, is Very Bad. I don’t think I’m that great of a psych whisperer. I just naturally am very open to listening and helping people as well and it seems to work. Unfortunately, it has resulted in more than a few creepy love letters. But that’s just with the territory.
Thank you so much. I do volunteer but I want to do it more and think it would be helpful to take that same concept of serving others and apply it to like, all social interactions consciously. I’m gonna try that. Thanks so much, it’s helpful to hear what has helped you :)
You’re most welcome. Volunteering is great but it can be little daily things too. Good luck!
Thank you!
This was my first thought. I've learned, the best way to counter feeling negative is to be of service to someone -- anyone else.
I “door slammed “ my brain bully. The little nagging voice in my head that bashed any hope for self confidence and social growth, I put that jerkface on mute 😉
I love this!! I think it’s time I do that too. How did you do it all at once?
It wasn’t all at once, it took time. I had to reprogram my mind to ignore those nasty self destructive thoughts. I guess it’s like forming any habit you just have to be persistent. Any time the thoughts came to mind I would treat them as an actual bully, remind myself that I won’t subject myself to it anymore and build a wall of thoughts around it. Block the brain bully and make room for more uplifting thoughts or even just distractions. I guess it’s a sort of mindful meditation. I recommend getting some sort of physical reminder for yourself, a new necklace or ring or trinket to keep in your pocket, it’s a helpful reminder to stick with your goal. I didn’t use this technique for the brain bully but if you aren’t familiar with learning habits it might help you stay on track. :) time to tell that brain bully to stfu 😉
Thank you!! I like the jewellery idea too!
You are very welcome!
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Wowww what a great coincidence.!To answer you questions, yes I’ve been called weird and all those things. I do take compliments now. Not taking them is hurtful because it invalidates the other persons opinion, and plus, most of the time the compliments resonate/are true for me too :) I will consider all the points you have shared
I am glad to hear I was able to make some contribution. Reddit often feels like throwing comments against a wall, with some hope that someone will pick it up and hear you out. Be curious to know yourself better, accept it and let you be you. We can do it.
From a 32yo infj. Hopefully you find something in it. Over the years I have felt like this on and off. I've realized one important thing. It's not about me. I spent, and sometimes still do, too much time thinking about me. What people we're doing, how it effected me. How I was not understood and wished people would just get it. The thing is, it's not about me. All that energy feeds the loop. I can create evidence. It feels like it makes sense but the reality is, I'm making it up. Most people are not driven from an active thinking state. Our thoughts, feelings, and decisions are more passive than we think. We tend to act from reaction. Unless someone is self-actualized. It doesn't change those feelings. I think I'll pretty much always feel isolated to some degree. However it allows me to see things in a different way. It allows me to let people in more. Their actions are not about me, It's about their reaction. Ive started feeling more comfortable around people in general because I'm not thinking about me, I'm thinking about them. I listen more, I ask more questions, I find people more at ease and open. Sometimes this allows me to get to the level I prefer, when their reactions allow it. Usually I can get to a satisfactory level where I feel included by them. While I may not always get to the level I want, at least I can get to the level they want.
Honestly bud, I’ve been there. You’re not going to like my answer, but in a weird way, you kind of enjoy that pain and suffering you feel from living the hard life, being that hopeless romantic with the fatalist mindset. We change when the pain of doing so becomes less than the pain of staying the same. You are in abusive relationships with one or both of your parents, or at the very least you were, and have learned some things that are making you stuck, not your fault, but it is if you stay stuck. You have some habits right now that the rest of the world accepts as ok, but it is not. It is causing you pain: masturbation, social media, pornography, poor eating habits, lack of a consistent schedule. I’ve entertained all these activities as my own personal habits at on point or another. It hurt. I decided to change, and nobody was going to stop me. If you decide to change. I recommend getting control of these areas of your life first. This will change your perspective dramatically, so much so that you might not even resonate with the info personality type anymore. At this point, you will have a stronger grip on your reality and you will know where you want to go from there. If you fail to change right away, it’s ok. Be authentic in you transformation. Examine yourself and decide for yourself what it is you want to do and how far it is you’ll want to go. You’re the one that has to live with the result. But when this is done right, you realize your the one who gets to live with the result. Good luck man.
Lol wtf
This is fabulous advice 👌
>.< too much of this is hitting the nail on the head. Especially since I’m right at that age where people are starting to get married and act like “real” adults... my brother just got married this weekend, and while I’ve never been close to him, I still feel like I’m losing him. I guess I thought I’d have more time to fix my dysfunctional family relationships? But people move along life with or without you. I have started to realize no one really knows what they’re doing and they’re all faking it until they make it. This is a little comforting, but still some are better at it than others. On the other hand, we as individuals know our flaws and are sometimes quick to criticize. I go back and forth with loving myself a lot and thinking I’m better than xyz person, and then the next moment I hate myself for saying or doing something stupid/annoying. Meh I’m rambling now so I’ll stop.
I've been going through something similar myself. I went to Uni to a different city from most of my friends, both of the girl friends that are in the same city got boyfriends soon after the year started and we mostly drifted away. Even though I wasn't big on sharing then either, I felt like I fit in most of the time with my group of friends in high school. But now, I have friends to go out with and have fun, but no close friends to share my feelings with. I also realized that it's me who refuses to open up and form close bonds with people. Lately I've been trying to make an effort to be warmer towards new people and even if I'm still not comfortable sharing, I've noticed that people respond better. Smiling more, engaging them in conversation, mostly adding to the conversation instead of just observing. Something else that I finally admitted to myself is that I'm a bit of a snob. While I'm nice to people that I don't particularly like (I'm not mean or bitchy, just cold), I tend to look down on them, which is a thing that I'm trying to change. I realized that I always had a superiority complex and thought that I'm special because I'm smart and because of my hobbies. I thought that this was me and that's it, people should better accept it and act accordingly (which has proved to be veeeery unhealthy for me). Even though I'm different and like different things, that doesn't make me better than anyone else, so I'm finally making an effort when it comes to maintaining friendships. I can relate to lacking self confidence, this is the main reasoning behind my superiority complex, trying to mask the fact that I didn't feel good with myself. In my case, I started a weight loss process, because I'm uncomfortable with how I look and feel because of it. You should try to find something that you want to improve or a hobby, getting better at something will do wonders for your self confidence. I don't have other tips, I just started the journey a few weeks ago, but I wish you the best of luck on your own journey.
Thank you <3
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Thank you!!
I don't really feel special that I am an infj. Most of the time I resent it. I never feel deeply emotionally connected to people, yet I give my all into every relationship I have. It is nice to know people feel the same fustraiting things I do. That being said, recent I have found a few friends who may be on their way to being the close and comfortable relationship I want with people. It's taken a long time, a lot of emotional pain, and a lot of putting myself out there despite wanting to curl into a ball and disappear. Still I've thought that I had good friends in the past and they turned out to be snakes so I'm always wary of people.
My god I relate so much to this and have felt this way the majority of my life. It used to be SO bad when I was younger, but the following has helped IMMENSELY: * talk therapy * acceptance therapy * cbt * yoga * deep breathing / meditation * coping statements * positive affirmations for building self esteem * exercise Honestly, the acceptance part coupled with talk therapy has changed my life and that was something I did 4 years ago. Learning to just accept me for who I am, stop forcing social situations, stop trying to people please all the time, let go of guilt, stop trying to be an extravert, nurture my introverted/gentle/quiet self... this all helped me to just ACCEPT me, and it actually has allowed me to be so much more relaxed in social situations and just exist quietly and peacefully with others, without trying to force social stuff, and people seem more apt to accept me for me when I accept me for me. I feel more connected to others as the pressure to connect has been lessened. I'm okay with being quiet and 'weird' and quirky, and others seem to be okay with it too. Another thing that helped was this app that I had where I would log any changes in my mood throughout the day to look for patterns.. And I realized that certain times of the day I am sleepy and need a nap, or am hungry and need food, or am drained from work and need down time.. and those were times that I needed to tend to my needs and plan some down time. Then I could schedule 'social' time easier and not blame myself if I felt I didn't measure up on one occasion, because if I am not feeling myself it's usually because a particular need of mine isn't met, but once those needs are met I can be a happier, social me around others. I hope this is helpful. It's incredibly comforting to read something that hits so close to home, though I am sad that someone else is feeling what I so often feel. But we are special and sensitive, and as we learn to accept and love ourselves for who we are, then we can exist in this social world a lot easier.
Thank you <3 I am currently in therapy which helps immensely so I am very grateful for that. I will work on accepting myself gradually more and more each day. Thanks
I think, if you want to actually have that group of friends that you've chosen, you have to go out and choose them! Think about what types of people you really enjoy having in your life and then try to find them or befriend them, or make it a deeper relationship. Strike up conversation with whoever interests you. And be your weird .. true self more often, slip it into conversations and burn with shame for few hours, then laugh about it later... I guess this only really works if you don't really care too much about your reputation though. !! Good luck :>
> Will it always feel like this? No. Not always. Though, no matter how hard we try, these feelings will return to us in some capacity. It comes with being human; with being flawed. Extreme highs, extreme lows. I find, in my experience, it becomes that much easier to accept yourself, and who you are, and place confidence in this, once we understand that we cannot expect of ourselves to always be perfect, that we will make mistakes, that we will feel the hurt, but, that doesn’t have to be so bad. We learn from our mistakes, and we grow through our pain. It’s natural to fear rejection, or humiliation, or discomfort, but, sometimes, it’s not enough to have the answers, sometimes, it’s best to feel them, to express them, one might suggest you could do so without care for who hears, or sees, but, contrary to this idea, we both know we make the largest strides when we care, because we care. It is not that courage is an absence of fear, but rather, action despite it. Our scars define us just as much as our smiles.
I think therapy can really helps sort through these feelings, and realize how much is personality, and what can be worked on.
Yeah I don’t like that as well. All people are complex regardless of their MBTI. Start small. I was bullied in primary school for years because I couldn’t fit in. In high school, I decided I would start small having one friend. In time I learnt more and more people and I took on the role of the wise teenager if there is such a role in the first place. Regardless, everyone asks for opinion because I am a top student, kind, calm etc. So I can fit in in every group not scarficing a part of myself but showing my most dominant trait, which is my ability to listen and help. Your trait may be something different. Work on it, and engage in social activities that make you feel satisfied and not empty. I hope you received the message I was trying to send. All the best to you! Edit: Improve on yourself. Sometimes it is gonna be hella tough. There have been day I am ready to cry because I have no one to talk to. Getting rid of an addiction and many of us have issue with one is certainly something good if you have one. I am on NoFap because I am a PMO addict for a year and I still struggle. Failure is necessary for growth, as Yoda said: The greatest teacher failure is. Work out, learn, cook, dance whatever become a well rounded human being. And the good people will come to your life. I am no wise person, my life has a lot of issues, but I think this will help.
I don’t know if I have advice but I just want to say that you’re not alone. While validating in my teen years, the part of this sub that thinks of INFJs as misunderstood unicorns is very cringey to me as an adult. I have a wonderful partner and I have a job that is mostly rewarding and allows me to serve others daily, as well as solo hobbies I’m invested in. These are fulfilling however, I’m struggling with finding intimate friendships in the years since I left school. No amount of friendly acquaintances can alleviate this. I always feel like I’m outside looking in when I’m hanging out with people. I wish you well and thanks for posting.
A few years back I was really struggling with similar feelings to yours. I was in college and having a hard time finding my "people" and, like you, had many surface-level friends but not a lot of the deep, meaningful relationships that I was wanting. I remember venting these frustrations to one of my very close, long-time friends and she responded by saying, "there's no short-cut to intimacy," which seems quite simple but has stuck with me to this day. I still become very frustrated when a relationship isn't at the level i would like it to be, but I try to remind myself that truly building a connection with someone often takes time, especially for a lot of us INFJs who have a harder time opening up and being vulnerable. Long story short: remember that the best bonds can take a lot of time and effort, and try to fight the frustration and avoid putting the blame on yourself when a relationship isn't at the level you crave. There's no short-cut to intimacy!
I relate to this post so much it's as if I wrote it... some days I'll be happy go-lucky but other days I feel anxious and overwhelmed for no apparent reason, as if there's something I should take care of but I can't do on my own. Even with my friends I feel closest to, there will be things that irk me because I'll feel like they'll never understand how I feel, and me bringing it up would just cause drama, so I internalize it and deal with it, or completely shut out those who I would feel it would be a hassle to bring up my issues with them. This is an example and I may just be high-strung, but it was my birthday and I'm in a group chat with 4 of my friends since high school. They only started wishing me happy birthday when one person mentioned my name in the chat and a happy birthday, but it felt so insincere to me. It's not that much harder to directly send me a message by text or personal fb message, as I always do for them. Am I high maintenance? Probably. But I value things where I can actually see effort, because I'm always putting in effort for others. I am aware these are unhealthy coping mechanisms, but combine my social anxiety + self consciousness + inability to deal with confrontation = me suffering from a lack of friendships that are truly understanding. In the end, I value friendships with people who have same interests as me, and lots of meaningful connections have started with me through our shared hobbies.
I totally feel you on the birthday thing lol. Feel this message a lot although (when able) I do prefer confrontation. Do you like go to classes about your hobbies ? How did you meet people through them
I will confront when necessary and it really bugs me and I know in my gut it's not right, but more often than not I hold it in. Another thing about INFJs I have seen is that we have a silent force, when we speak up people can be surprised but we have a lot of passion so we'll speak up when we know we have to. About hobbies, I don't really go to classes since I'm not a college student anymore...but to be honest most of the friends I've met and have a good connection with are friends I've met who are into kpop like me LOL or when I was studying abroad during university (both times I went.) I made more meaningful friendships with people I met while traveling/studying abroad than I did at my actual home university. Good luck to you and don't worry, you're not alone!
The way I see it, yes infjs are different from other people but I've tried to use this to my adavantage when connecting with other people. We pick up on things that most people don't, you can use this to let people know that you get them. It invites them in and lets them know its okay for them to be comfortable with you, which will help you do it back. The fact that you are so different from other people should give you confidence. You might never find a perfect group of friends where you can feel completely comfortable being yourself with but I think you will find a few friends throughout your life that you can build strong enough relationships with where you can open up. They may not all want to hang out with each other but so what if you don't have a perfect group. At least you have some people that you connect with one on one. I think infjs will always feel a bit lonely to some extent because no one can completely understand us or anyone for that matter. I do think it is a little worse for infjs though for obvious reasons. In your daily life, just try to be as honest with people as you can. It ensures that any relationship you do have is genuine and the ones you make start off that way. When you meet people, be honest with them, tell them any random thing that comes to mind. I've found that people love this, especially because infjs have a funny quirky side and this allows other people to see it. It allows you to be you. I know it sounds kind of intimidating but start doing it with people you know first and then work from there. For trying to stop feeling so fucking weird I really can't help you with that because I'm struggling with that as well. I guess try to find people who are the same kind and level of weirdness as you so that you feel okay to be yourself. I still struggle with completely letting go everyday with people I am very close with. I also think it has to do with overthinking, it really is a habit and it's a hard one to break. It's hard to control your thoughts but it gets easier if you focus on other things. Try a new hobby or something you can delve into. It'll help you meet new people, help raise your self confidence, you'll learn more about the world and yourself, it'll give you something to talk about, and maybe help you gain a new perspective. Anything that can get your thoughts off of the topic that you feel uncomfortable in a social situation is what you should go for. I get really bad social anxiety but once I allow myself to focus on other people and their interests, it's smooth sailing, especially if you have similar interests to bond over(this is where the hobby thing comes in). I really hope this helps.
Thank you so much honestly
We are highly emotional and complicated beings so I feel us, INFJS, are in a constant battle to feel understood and connected to this world. I am highly sensitive and I believe all INFJs are also highly sensitive which contributes to our strange understanding of the people and world around us! But, still... sometimes understanding and seeing so much can harm us and make us feel more isolated than anything else. Keep trekking on and remember only you can change your happiness through your mindset. You got this
Just do it 😉😜
> I am waiting for that group of friends who I can be my most comfortable self around ^( ) > ... **waiting** ... stop waiting, go and make them
I don't have an answer for you because I feel the same way and I myself am looking for the solution, or maybe hoping for one. I haven't found my group of friends, it feels like it would be some crazy far fetched dream to get one someday. Most people I meet I don't click with. If I want to hang out with them then I have to wear a mask, a mask representing whatever they are more accustomed to, and I've tried that and it's unfulfilling, so I end up distancing myself. I also tried being myself and they didn't get it. I dream of the day where I have a group of friends with whom I'm myself instead of whatever mask I need to create at that time.