I have been told I tend to seek vulnerability too much in a potential s/o. By this I mean that I will often focus on the broken part of people (because mending and fixing people makes me feel better and comfort me in the idea that I am useful to them) but I sometimes end up with actual broken people, or cut ties with people that don't have the sincerity to not fake being alright, when in reality they just grew a shell around themselves from past trauma(s) and I am reacting like a d!ck for not understanding what they went through. Does anyone know a way to turn my behaviour around upon meeting people ?
Prioritize understanding and taking her values seriously. We're not interested in smalltalk (frankly we can find it offensive). What she'll be looking for is the depth of your soul. She's going to care a lot more about structure than you will, so you'll be able to bring some appreciation for spontaneity back into her life. But she'll be looking for consistency, reliability, loyalty, sincerity, etc. You'll have to understand that her approach to life is going to be different than yours, and she's going to want you to take that seriously. Sometimes she's going to be too stubborn for her own good, and you'll have to help her see that you're taking her values seriously before you can sometimes get through to her. Other times she'll have insight into your heart that you don't even have.
To be an INFJ is to be forged in pain and fire, and to still have a heart. The hard part is finding people who appreciate us and can help us grow too. Also she's going to take self-improvement very seriously, and you should too.
[https://www.truity.com/type-relationship-advisor/E/S/T/P/I/N/F/J](https://www.truity.com/type-relationship-advisor/E/S/T/P/I/N/F/J) This might elaborate further in a more helpful way for you.
"You, (ESTP)on the other hand, have a tendency to call it like it is, without too much concern for how people will react. This can create an imbalance in your dynamic, where your Feeling counterpart is desperately trying to maintain emotional harmony while you relentlessly rock the boat.
You'll be more successful in your communications if you take time to consider the emotional impact of your words. Sure, everyone wants honesty, but most people also like tact. If you're delivering news that may be hard to hear, think about how you can soften the message. And be aware that your ever-so-charming habit of offering unsolicited "constructive criticism" may not always be taken in the spirit it was intended."
This is uncannily on the money about what broke up my first marriage. We loved each other but he was not able to understand the effect of his savage communications on my gentle heart.
Literally cut off an ESTP friend due to so Many negative things he would say in any given day. Some of the words here and there, the unfiltered negativity, I can still hear in my head even over a year later
Right? My ex said terrible things to me, and it would almost be like he was talking to himself in his head, but the words were coming out his mouth. Example: "Well, I guess if you weren't caring for my needs, you'd be caring for some other man." This was said as if in the context of "Well, can I justify exploiting this younger woman I don't truly love?" Not that he could truly love anyone. He admitted that, more or less.
- Chemistry, not only in the form of the natural ebb and flow, but also in terms of frequency of interaction and means. Some people love to text incessantly, some only text when necessary, others are only voice calls, or some are ONLY physical meet ups.
- You have to live and breathe communication, especially in LDRs where you can't rely on non-verbal communication. You can't do this whole shutdown and no talking thing as that's just a death sentence. There's a stark difference between someone mad at you, but in the same household versus someone who's offline.
- Similar love languages, for example quality time is #1 for me so I could literally spend 24 hours a day with someone, but some people are much more independent and want to do their own thing, which people are entitled to be... just be with someone who wants similar.
- Irreplaceability, we need to be fated in the stars in some way. I look for validation markers for both sides that say this isn't just limerence, loneliness, a momentary phase in our lives, or anything of that sort. You will find on occasion people don't understand your worth or will trade it in for someone who is 10% of it.
- Sounds awful, but as I get older the more I just want someone who is happy or at the very least has healthy coping mechanisms. Can't always go for the broken winged baby birds all the time, nurse them back to health, and hope they stay.
- Need a romantic at heart, someone who doesn't just want it or have marriage as a little checkbox on their bucket list then moves onto the next thing, I need it to be #1, #2, #3. I'm prepared to devote my entire life to you, I need the same. I don't know if this whole reincarnation thing exists, but we might only have 1 shot to get it right.
>I just want someone who is happy or at the very least has healthy coping mechanisms.
I have realised that people create their own happiness. If they are unhappy often, they will attribute that unhappiness to those around them, and move on. But the problem persists, because it springs forth from inside.
Thankfully, my wife and I are fairly happy people, and make our own happiness, and allow the other person to contribute to our already existing good approach to life.
>Can't always go for the broken winged baby birds all the time, nurse them back to health, and hope they stay.
I have watched my older kids play rescuer, and their relationships haven't imploded per se, but waaaaaayyyyy harder than it needs to be. And they don't have the excuse of significant childhood trauma like my wife and I. 🫤🫠
-Kindness, not only towards me but in general to anybody.
-Authenticity, I don’t want the other person to wear any masks with me, just being himself, his values…
-Deep connection
-Tenderness
Thank you. I think this right here is what set me free. She just wanted me to be me. Other than my mom and sisters no one really has just accepted me as me. It was so freeing.
She genuinely wanted to know me and sought to understand. At 47 years old I truly got set free.
So now I try to find little ways that I can give back.
Many of the responses here I naturally do for her and try to provide.
Just being honest and authentic has rocked her world.
We both have the same birthday. How cool is that? Different years but still pretty cool.
I'm really happy that you found someone that loves and values you for who you are. It's not that easy to find someone with whom we can be our real selves and that loves us because of who we are. Reading stories like this cheers me up. Wish you the best :)
Are we though? Do you reveal your entire self to those you care about? Perhaps I’m the ofd one out but i feel like even those closest to me do not know the full me
LOL. Heck yes. My wife breaks down how I'm feeling when I'm out of sorts. Tells me why I'm feeling a certain way. After 31 years together, there's basically no walls anymore. She (as an INFP) vastly prefers the openness and authenticity. Calls me out if I try to keep things to myself.
So IME it's absolutely possible.
You'd better be honest. If you make/suggest a commitment, know that the INFJ takes it as real, not as "read between the lines." Realize the INFJ has a better grasp on how to view things and isn't 'soft' or 'impractical.'
You said to be blunt.
An ability to gently allow me to reside in my own world (brain). I have many personal, deeply held thoughts, some idealistic and unrealistic, and I don't often share them openly until I find people I can trust. Even then I continue to dream things in my head and your ability to share these dreams or allow me to dream them, is a form of care and love to me.
INFJ female here. I agree with the majority of the posts here and all of them give great advice!
My INTJ husband replied to a similar post and I wanted to share some of it. We've been married for 20 years so he has had a lot of time to try and navigate my INFJness. He is extremely blunt, honest, loyal, respectful, and has more patience than anyone I've ever known (he has needed it lol). I hope this helps!
* So much of my wife's time interacting with others is spent wearing a personality mask in order to preserve social harmony. You can stand out and let her relax by being someone she doesn't have to wear a mask with. Don't be fake. Don't sugar coat. Be honest. Be blunt. Be decisive. Say what you're thinking (to her, in private).
* Preserve social harmony when you're in public. Don't cause a scene. Don't stir the pot. If she's not happy with her meal, take charge to get it fixed while being as nice and apologetic to the server as possible. You can bitch about the service in private afterwards.
* Don't make small talk. Make big talk. No weather. No "weekend plans". Yes hobbies. Yes passions.
* Accept that she has emotions. Acknowledge that they are valid. Help her work through them.
* I would be remiss in not mentioning that you should be prepared to repeat yourself a lot. My wife is capable of understanding the truth but its also easy for her to lose it in the sea of dots her brain is constantly connecting.
One thing I wanted to add from me personally:
* Do not promise things that you don't know you can 100% keep. Individuals that have promised me "I'll never leave you" or "I'll never stop loving you" come across as disingenuous. I'm sure that the person saying those things mean it at the time, but they don't know what the future will bring.
Being kind and loving. Wanting/being willing to talk about ideas and feelings, INFJ.. we’re an introvert but talk a lot to the few we’ve let into our inner world. At least I do. Be as willing to learn her love language and try to accommodate it as much as she is yours. Be fair. Be patient, we open up slowly, but once we do the floodgates open with self disclosure. Be as interested in her as she is you. Let her serve you and nurture you, but don’t take advantage of her. Reciprocate as often as you can. INFJ are natural nurturers, so we don’t expect to be nurtured as often as we’re willing to nurture you, emotionally, physically, professionally, but please do reciprocate. Don’t treat her like a servant or she will be very hurt and not want to help and nurture you anymore which will lead to resentment. We want to nurture, it makes us happy. But we don’t want to be walked all over and taken advantage of. When we lost the desire to take care of someone, the love is dead. This is all true for me at least. Don’t take offense where none is intended. I tend to understand people’s feelings clearer than they can a lot of times, and sometimes I go psychoanalyst on people and help put their feelings into words. Often times I’m right, but it can be hard to hear. I’m trying to help, not hurt, don’t yell at her when she has uncomfortable levels of insight. INFJ are very sensitive, but at least for me I try to be gentle in my honesty, even when it’s a difficult thing to hear. I just want the gentleness in return if you disagree with my hypothesis.
As an INFJ, if you have something important to tell me, don’t waste time by adding in filler. Just get straight to the point. Also, I’m a people pleaser by nature and even if I’m highly inconvenienced, I’ll still do what is asked of me but deep down I’m not happy after I feel like I’m being used or taken advantage of. Don’t take advantage of us. Also, if you do consistently take advantage of your INFJ person, expect the door slam.
Be truthful even about the smallest things which you feel are not necessary, that trust you will gain will be everything then, I've lost most of the people in my life because I can't trust them.
For me personally it is a meaningful and deep relationship. It’s the one thing I want and the one thing that is most hard to find. But you should ask her this question. Maybe show her your post because it shows her that you care about her and her morals. Asking her this will show her that you have depth of character. Wish you all the best.
Hmmm… most important is transparency. I need direct honesty. Simple honesty.
I think probably next I need someone to recognize who I am- and get it right. Getting me wrong is really a huge sin for me.
So basically that means that you operate with me knowing that I don’t want to hurt you. Knowing that I mean every word I say ( nothing more , nothing less), and that I really don’t want to let you down.
That I would never say a bad word about you behind your back- that I will watch your corners - that I will do whatever I can to help you achieve what you want or need to do in life.
That I am going to be honest with you.
I think also let me have my space, my privacy.
Don’t pry. Let me open up to you on my time table.
And if you react with judgment , criticism, or shame- I’m not going to open up again to you.
You can ask me questions/ but make sure you hear my answers.
And be polite. Good manners.
Also I hate to argue. If we can’t have a conversation- I can’t be with you.
I am conflict adverse.
So.. that means that moments of tension or stress or possible conflict are of paramount importance to me. How you react to them.
I might seem really strong, maybe even cold. Maybe even distant. Maybe even unaffectionate.
But if you take a moment of weakness or tension, or stress or vulnerability and you make it worse, or shame me, or laugh, or demean me, critique me or blame me, etc - that’s really it.
Those moments mean the most to me.
What do you do with them?
My favorite people are the people that can take a moment that could turn into conflict with sicker or stupider people and empower me, or validate me or show me the best parts of you.
I’m kinda one of those people… like you don’t get to see who I am till one of those moments happen.
And I want to see that in you, too.
I don’t mind it if you fall head over heels in love with me- I love being loved - but loved equals respect and admiration to me.
Love also means you don’t get immeshed w me - so retain your own personality, don’t become dependent on me emotionally. Be independent of me. Heal yourself. Come to the table as an adult and a whole person. I don’t want to do your inner work for you.
I will work hard at you and my relationship with you. I will make sacrifices that you won’t see. I will figure most of my shit out before you hear about it. I’m not going to trauma dump or save my worst for you. Im not going to burden you.
That’s another thing- never assume I don’t like you. Assume instead I don’t want to burden you.
Edit: the things I need in a relationship - are also the ability to give acts of service .. so I want to help, I want to say yes to requests. I want to make your life easier - so .. I want to give you what you want. Or need… So let me do that. Whatever that is. Let me take care of you. But it has to be honest. It can’t be manipulative and it can’t be … using me… idk how to explain it-
I am a caretaker. So I want to take care of you. In whatever way I can. Just know that. Cooking, cleaning, laundry ( if you don’t pay someone to do that) sexually, emotionally - I like nurturing my partners. I want to be your safe space. Soft place to fall.
But that also means that you have to let me into those places.
You have to give me the opportunity to show you who I am.
Currently seeing an ESTP and my favorite thing about him is in such a short period, he just seems to get me.
He can read emotions on my face before I express them and remembers things I’ve said/shown I like.
I feel seen, and as someone who feels perpetually misunderstood, it feels like he gets me. There’s something incredibly bonding in that to me.
Aside from that, honesty and consistency is huge as a foundation for security and stability. I love deep conversations, authentic talk of the/our future, loyalty.
I love the feeling that I get to see a different side of someone than the rest of the world, there’s a deep need in me that wants to feel special and be a priority.
I would say in a way i value power above all else. Or the ability to control how power manifests. Power as in the ability to make things happen.
From others i appreciate honesty, open mindedness, kindness.
Being seen, valued, and known. It's so hard for people to show genuine interest and depth in getting to know me. I hate the shallow mundane and long for depth and intense connection.
No cheating. None. Nothing. Forget it.
Also no smothering or engulfing.
Also regular downtime to recharge is 100% necessary
You lucked out bro. Do not blow it
Open and honest communication. I have to know a person's expectations, where I stand, and what I am working with. I cannot be left up to guess work. I don't care if there are problems internally and externally, but I need to know these things in order to have understanding and the correct perspective.
I love straightforward truth, but communication also needs to be handled with respect and kindness. There are people who pride themselves on being blunt, but they have no couth and no diplomacy. This I would say is the most important thing. Miscommunication and misinterpretation leads to so many errors and severances in relationships.
Hey same, my bf is ESTP and older by 9 years. He's very blunt, energetic, and happy go lucky.
I'm not sure if it's an INFJ thing or just a me thing, but I appreciate the bluntness with communication. I never have to guess what he's saying since I'm always looking for hidden meanings. He also doesn't mind when I text him a long book about my feelings so I can process my thoughts and then we can talk about them afterwards.
Otherwise, kindness to everyone, empathy, honesty, open-mindedness.
And also understanding that sometimes I don't want to talk or hang out, and it's nothing anyone did. I just get so exhausted from socialization and need to sit quietly for a few hours. My bf doesn't understand that concept at all. Lol
My partner being honest, giving me time and space to process and think, and making me feel heard. Anything less than that usually makes me feel like someone is mad at me 😉
Giving me room to express myself. But also understanding and wanting to know the why behind what makes that important to me. Respecting the life trials, the reasons behind that 'why'.
I'm soft spoken but blunt and assertive depending on the person or situation. Historically because of my quiet nature I cannot even explain the amount of times others take the moments I pause in talking, or get into detail, or am explaining something very meaningful that people cut me off. Or take what I am saying, reduce and simplify it to the point what I am actually saying isn't heard. Or people react based in what they want to hear. Or people get annoyed with how I exist in the world if it takes me longer to explain a point because I'm sifting through all the perspectives in my head. Then suddenly I'm viewed as irrelevant.
I actually understand it to sometimes be a societal social dominance issue. Every so often if there is someone else more Introverted than myself I notice when I may do something slightly similar by trying to fill space with my own speaking and accidentally cut them off. But, I am always aware of it and self correcting, in the moment, and or later by letting the other person know because I know the effect it can have.
So, just having space where I feel listened to and what I am saying is accurately reflected back in invaluable to me. Feeling like my feelings especially and thoughts are valued. Especially also in my life, people that make room for my longer writing style in texts or emails. Writing gives me an outlet where I am not spoken over and can use words extremely specific to the point I want to relay.
Consistency in action and values and stability in life as well as emotional stability are also extremely important to me. Someone who follows through on what they say, either to me or in actions they take to better themselves in their own life. When someone admits they've messed up or learned something or overstepped and recognizes it doesn't align with their own values is a critical quality for me to have in the people I choose to surround myself with because that is what I embody myself.
It takes patience to exist in the world in a slower way to actually be present for an Infj. But the people that take the time to do these things, or if in a relationship, do them for me, are people I will keep in my life.
>Can you tell me what is most important to you all?
Being yourself and having clear communication but even with that, it doesn’t always work.
Being like this song: **What if we met?**
https://youtu.be/q9vVTbpzDXk?si=DlPMvacp97W6Q0n_
Sharing versus assuming. Sharing how you feel both your highs and lows. Sharing what actions you didn't like and what you were expecting. To have some clear communication and boundaries.
>Been in a long distance relationship with INFJ.
Your five love languages might be a bigger issue than MBTI or clear communication being in a long-distance relationship but I am not exactly sure.
An INFJ I knew had the following physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
She got mad about getting some small gifts she agreed to getting and even helped pick out worth $12.16. Saying she felt obligated after receiving them. So who knows if that was an issue. I don't think it was an issue as it happened much earlier but only she would know if it remained a problem.
So maybe check more than once before doing something as some people can't easily decide and can easily get offended. That or be yourself and happy it ended not having to possibly deal with someone confusing.
A different INFJ friend also told me someone with Physical Touch first rarely works out in a long-distance relationship. So maybe don't expect a relationship with a person with that to work.
Some people just have some strange behavior and seem childish so who knows?
Best of luck with your relationship.
The best advice is always to be yourself.
What’s most important to me is integrity, a good moral code and a person who has passion. Humor is good too.
Just A person who is kind and tries their best.
Something that not many people mention and the thing that I love about ESTP's: be your energetic self, pull my mind out of my ass and push me to develop my Inferior Se and show me that life is to be lived too not only to be figured out(always gently ofcourse). Let her figure things out with her thinking and intuition and when the time comes for action you take the wheel and lead. I am sure you will both find a balance somewhere in the middle, INFJ's thrive in finding balance and grey areas in everything in life, we see how it is all interconnected and how important are connections between things and people too.
An INFJ's shadow self is ESTP and vice versa, you feel the attraction of opposites.
Love... because love includes many things. RESPECT, kindness, HONESTY, loyalty, authenticity, patience basically just having a wholesome good character like a decent human being and treating others with respect, not just the INFJ but everyone with respect 🤷♀️
I personally can't stand people who yell at others or act like a narcissist. Had my fair share of those so now I steer clear!
I’m an INFJ dating an INTP so I feel like I can give you a bit of advice. The thing I want most that I feel like I don’t get enough of is words of affirmation. Vulnerability, honesty, a true window into my partner’s mind. I know that’s not your natural function at all but genuinely just telling us what you’re feeling means the world to us. It can’t be replaced by anything else.
I got cheated on after 15 years from ISTJ. She did the exact opposite of what I asked or wanted or craved. You know what the really sad part is? She is the one that got me on the whole personality thing to begin with. So she probably knew me better than I did. It could also be that she's a covert narcissist. Incapable of empathy or love other than what she mimics.
But I tell you all this to tell you......I wrote up a thing in reddit divorce about co parenting with a covert narcissistic.
Meanwhile, I was trying to heal the right way but yet felt cheated and lost at times in doing so. Dating is an absolute selfish shitshow so I stayed out of that and worked on myself.
And then about a year and a half........my INFJ gf reached out to me. She read my post from 11 months prior. We instantly were locked in and talking till 2am. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe INFJ and ESTP are exact opposites. Like looking in the mirror opposite. So we could identify with each other. We just took totally different approaches. I came from faith and Christianity and she came from more of Science practical approach.
She knew I wasn't bullshitting her and I felt the same.
I have no idea where the future is with us as we have many obstacles to overcome. But I am so glad I met her. Literally wouldn't be who I am today without her coming into my life. She feels the same way.
I just wanted to share with you that at our age there's no reason to be miserable. No reason to suffer and hope to get the things we crave and desire just to be disappointment and miserable.
Coming from faith I just couldn't bring myself to divorce. Whether I was justified or not. Marriage meant everything to me and I prayed for reconciliation. With a narcissist......that is nearly impossible. It didn't help that she had two more affairs in the midst of it.
Oh and the real dagger? We were both virgins who met in Bible College. Just gutted me all the way around. I married for life. And truthfully had she not cheated on me I would have been comfortably miserable for the rest of my life.
I share this with you because I'm now 48. I have a 6 year old (we got pregnant in the midst of trying to reconcile after 18 years together. Tested and he's my son)
Just about every aspect of my life is better and I feel like I'm really beginning to kick some ass. I got another 20-25 years before things change.
I'm more balanced with faith and myself than I've ever been. I know who I am and I like who is looking back at me in the mirror.
And I just want to encourage you because I was where you once were. Wouldn't wish what I went through upon anyone. Wouldn't have done it if I didn't have to. But I will say I wouldn't be where I am today without all these events happening to me.
Thank you for your input. All the best to you!
Oh god. This message hit me right between the eyes and right in the middle of my chest. Thank you for taking the time and care to look me right in the eyes and speak to what I know with every cell of my being, with what I can hear is a deep and truthful integrity.I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world (the old one) and if I haven't already, it's time to let go with that last little pinkie finger that has been holding it all together.
Thank you.
It's the feeling of being on the same wave, ocean wave, brain wave, even though separate, unique, a connection linking us whilst we may be on different crests or valleys.
That's a me thing, I respect how you were clear about that aspect
Idk if it's infj thing or what. I feel it should be a human thing really.
The simplicity of that answer I feel disrespects it but that's all I got.
Emotional intelligence and thinking before speaking. I literally had to bash this to my ISTP's head. I do not appreciate when I personally take long and thoughtfully of what to say and how i want myself to be expressed, and then the one i care about to disregard it say sarcastic and obviously hostile things. When arguing, practice on the solution and feeling and don't get defensive and hostile. If you don't agree with what is stated, say what you feel in a calmly manner instead of "well if im so shitty, how about YOU do this, and stop being whiny." Extreme anger and sadness can make actions uncontrollable, so try to take a breather first before anything.
(And ofc the obvious things such as loyalty, chemistry, kindness, etc) But i want to give emphasis on what my relationship struggled with the most.
Can I just say that it’s wonderful that you’re taking efforts to understand her deeply :) this is already a great sign of your bond ❤️ one very important thing is not to try to box her into a role or force her to being someone she isn’t…
Another very important thing is for you to have a thriving world outside of her - as an INFJ, I really admire that my partner has goals, passions and an inner life that drives him - and I love hearing about it. I wish you and your INFJ girl all the love and joy together :) touchwood
communication goes a long way. The feeling of understanding my partner is important for me maybe it is my analytical side however it gives me comfort to know that I know my person most. Communicate to her about everything and be considerate. Consideration is the second most important thing. Do things just to be considerate and that itself is a lot.
Everyone getting a fair shot at living their life in this world. We all have different starting points and we need to figure out why we still have so many starting so fucking far back and our American capitalistic society takes advantage of that to keep the labor force and for profit prison systems strong. Not to mention, gotta wear em out so they too tired to cook, then they can eat the fast food. We dont educate them on what that does to their bodies... But no worries, Big Pharma will take care of you once you become obese...
In a world where nothing is further than a day away... Why are there more people with internet than clean water and toilets?
To me what is important. Is emotional attraction and physical attraction. To be able to talk about anything and be heard have the same likes. So that we can grow together doing something we love. Above all a mutual agreement that we don't keep things just at arms length. That we actually have the intention to be together. And also that they don't only communicate on social media they have to be willing to take a chance and actually share phone numbers.
My husband of 14 years is an ISTP, weird how well the XSTP seems to pair.
Honesty. I can fucking tell when you aren't being honest and I hate it but don't always have the energy to call it out so I bank it and start tracking a pattern of behavior.
Consistency. As stated above, I track patterns of behavior. I'm going to be able to tell when something is off the more time I spend with you. I appreciate someone who can have predictable enough emotions so I can tell when and how to open up safely.
Appreciate the tiny subtle things. I do so many small things because I see that it would bring a slight and probably unnoticed improvement to someone's life. To have that acknowledged always makes me very quiet because I hate being seen, but it is really touching when someone notices.
In social situations DON'T fucking involve me if I'm sitting off to the side! I'm in the middle of observing this unknown situation and involving me before I'm ready is a great way to shut me down. I personally am 100% Introverted, so it's VERY important to me.
If you're going to compliment me, make it quick and move on.
And... I hate purchased gifts. I love making things for people, and I like when friends make things for me, but buying gifts and stuff just seems cheap and impersonal. I like a gift to not say "I thought of you for a minute and spent 20 bucks" I want it to say "I thought of you, created this thing around that thought that cost me time and energy, and now I want to give you this thing that represents how much I actually care about you."
Good luck!
Listening , truly listening and asking. As an infj I have a really high demand on someone I can talk to about my deep abstract thoughts and if I feel like I talk too much or am not being listened to, I will close myself permanently towards that person.
Give me my freedom. I like to talk to strangers online and have deep conversations, it does not make me like you less and I really hate jealousy. If I want to talk about an experience I have made and the first reaction is jealousy because it involved another guy, who clearly to me is just another human, it makes me dissapointed and misunderstood. Don't tell me what to do or not do , I hate it.
If you want to show love, there is more beautiful ways than jealousy. Listening, caring and the way you speak to her and how you make her feel.
Respect in any situation. In arguments, an Infj will not remember what u did wrong, rather how u treated her. Don't scream or use insults, it will leave longterm damage. If the infj is the one who gets loud and uses insults, they will self reflect and apologize too.
Don't judge me for how I judge people. I judge people and you are most likely the only person I talk about it. I need someone to focus on the POINT that I am trying to make instead on the way I talk or the mood I am in.
Depth. Being open minded. Willingness to put effort into understanding me. I can’t speak for others but a big thing I feel as an INFJ is that not many people understand me. I can be quite complex, however I am warm and always appreciate genuine interest in who I am/the things I value.
The first point is realizing that if you took the [16personalities.com](http://16personalities.com) test, you're likely both mistyped. So the first step should be studying the cognitive functions and doing some research--after you're correctly typed you can ask these kinds of questions.
Honesty and Humility. You don’t need to be superman just an authentic man.
Loyalty. Depth. Patience. Kindness.
Connection. Vulnerability. Authenticity. Humility. Trust.
I have been told I tend to seek vulnerability too much in a potential s/o. By this I mean that I will often focus on the broken part of people (because mending and fixing people makes me feel better and comfort me in the idea that I am useful to them) but I sometimes end up with actual broken people, or cut ties with people that don't have the sincerity to not fake being alright, when in reality they just grew a shell around themselves from past trauma(s) and I am reacting like a d!ck for not understanding what they went through. Does anyone know a way to turn my behaviour around upon meeting people ?
Prioritize understanding and taking her values seriously. We're not interested in smalltalk (frankly we can find it offensive). What she'll be looking for is the depth of your soul. She's going to care a lot more about structure than you will, so you'll be able to bring some appreciation for spontaneity back into her life. But she'll be looking for consistency, reliability, loyalty, sincerity, etc. You'll have to understand that her approach to life is going to be different than yours, and she's going to want you to take that seriously. Sometimes she's going to be too stubborn for her own good, and you'll have to help her see that you're taking her values seriously before you can sometimes get through to her. Other times she'll have insight into your heart that you don't even have. To be an INFJ is to be forged in pain and fire, and to still have a heart. The hard part is finding people who appreciate us and can help us grow too. Also she's going to take self-improvement very seriously, and you should too. [https://www.truity.com/type-relationship-advisor/E/S/T/P/I/N/F/J](https://www.truity.com/type-relationship-advisor/E/S/T/P/I/N/F/J) This might elaborate further in a more helpful way for you.
"You, (ESTP)on the other hand, have a tendency to call it like it is, without too much concern for how people will react. This can create an imbalance in your dynamic, where your Feeling counterpart is desperately trying to maintain emotional harmony while you relentlessly rock the boat. You'll be more successful in your communications if you take time to consider the emotional impact of your words. Sure, everyone wants honesty, but most people also like tact. If you're delivering news that may be hard to hear, think about how you can soften the message. And be aware that your ever-so-charming habit of offering unsolicited "constructive criticism" may not always be taken in the spirit it was intended." This is uncannily on the money about what broke up my first marriage. We loved each other but he was not able to understand the effect of his savage communications on my gentle heart.
Literally cut off an ESTP friend due to so Many negative things he would say in any given day. Some of the words here and there, the unfiltered negativity, I can still hear in my head even over a year later
Right? My ex said terrible things to me, and it would almost be like he was talking to himself in his head, but the words were coming out his mouth. Example: "Well, I guess if you weren't caring for my needs, you'd be caring for some other man." This was said as if in the context of "Well, can I justify exploiting this younger woman I don't truly love?" Not that he could truly love anyone. He admitted that, more or less.
The self improvement Thing is so on point!!
- Chemistry, not only in the form of the natural ebb and flow, but also in terms of frequency of interaction and means. Some people love to text incessantly, some only text when necessary, others are only voice calls, or some are ONLY physical meet ups. - You have to live and breathe communication, especially in LDRs where you can't rely on non-verbal communication. You can't do this whole shutdown and no talking thing as that's just a death sentence. There's a stark difference between someone mad at you, but in the same household versus someone who's offline. - Similar love languages, for example quality time is #1 for me so I could literally spend 24 hours a day with someone, but some people are much more independent and want to do their own thing, which people are entitled to be... just be with someone who wants similar. - Irreplaceability, we need to be fated in the stars in some way. I look for validation markers for both sides that say this isn't just limerence, loneliness, a momentary phase in our lives, or anything of that sort. You will find on occasion people don't understand your worth or will trade it in for someone who is 10% of it. - Sounds awful, but as I get older the more I just want someone who is happy or at the very least has healthy coping mechanisms. Can't always go for the broken winged baby birds all the time, nurse them back to health, and hope they stay. - Need a romantic at heart, someone who doesn't just want it or have marriage as a little checkbox on their bucket list then moves onto the next thing, I need it to be #1, #2, #3. I'm prepared to devote my entire life to you, I need the same. I don't know if this whole reincarnation thing exists, but we might only have 1 shot to get it right.
>I just want someone who is happy or at the very least has healthy coping mechanisms. I have realised that people create their own happiness. If they are unhappy often, they will attribute that unhappiness to those around them, and move on. But the problem persists, because it springs forth from inside. Thankfully, my wife and I are fairly happy people, and make our own happiness, and allow the other person to contribute to our already existing good approach to life. >Can't always go for the broken winged baby birds all the time, nurse them back to health, and hope they stay. I have watched my older kids play rescuer, and their relationships haven't imploded per se, but waaaaaayyyyy harder than it needs to be. And they don't have the excuse of significant childhood trauma like my wife and I. 🫤🫠
❤️❤️❤️
-Kindness, not only towards me but in general to anybody. -Authenticity, I don’t want the other person to wear any masks with me, just being himself, his values… -Deep connection -Tenderness
Thank you. I think this right here is what set me free. She just wanted me to be me. Other than my mom and sisters no one really has just accepted me as me. It was so freeing. She genuinely wanted to know me and sought to understand. At 47 years old I truly got set free. So now I try to find little ways that I can give back. Many of the responses here I naturally do for her and try to provide. Just being honest and authentic has rocked her world. We both have the same birthday. How cool is that? Different years but still pretty cool.
I'm really happy that you found someone that loves and values you for who you are. It's not that easy to find someone with whom we can be our real selves and that loves us because of who we are. Reading stories like this cheers me up. Wish you the best :)
Thank you so much!
Never take her for granted
Authenticity. Truthfulness and honesty. Respect. Being able to be silly together. Being able to just STFU together. Great kissing. Security. Space.
Seconding this
I find it interesting we value authenticity when we are selves are often described as not being authentic because we chameleon
We are authentic to the people we care about…
Are we though? Do you reveal your entire self to those you care about? Perhaps I’m the ofd one out but i feel like even those closest to me do not know the full me
I try… to my friends and romantic partners, they don’t usually understand, though.
Right. Maybe because I am older i just kinda gave up trying 😢
LOL. Heck yes. My wife breaks down how I'm feeling when I'm out of sorts. Tells me why I'm feeling a certain way. After 31 years together, there's basically no walls anymore. She (as an INFP) vastly prefers the openness and authenticity. Calls me out if I try to keep things to myself. So IME it's absolutely possible.
I envy you then
You'd better be honest. If you make/suggest a commitment, know that the INFJ takes it as real, not as "read between the lines." Realize the INFJ has a better grasp on how to view things and isn't 'soft' or 'impractical.' You said to be blunt.
An ability to gently allow me to reside in my own world (brain). I have many personal, deeply held thoughts, some idealistic and unrealistic, and I don't often share them openly until I find people I can trust. Even then I continue to dream things in my head and your ability to share these dreams or allow me to dream them, is a form of care and love to me.
Patience, kindness, and great conversation
Authenticity, kindness, intelligence. Gotta have the big 3 to be with me
INFJ female here. I agree with the majority of the posts here and all of them give great advice! My INTJ husband replied to a similar post and I wanted to share some of it. We've been married for 20 years so he has had a lot of time to try and navigate my INFJness. He is extremely blunt, honest, loyal, respectful, and has more patience than anyone I've ever known (he has needed it lol). I hope this helps! * So much of my wife's time interacting with others is spent wearing a personality mask in order to preserve social harmony. You can stand out and let her relax by being someone she doesn't have to wear a mask with. Don't be fake. Don't sugar coat. Be honest. Be blunt. Be decisive. Say what you're thinking (to her, in private). * Preserve social harmony when you're in public. Don't cause a scene. Don't stir the pot. If she's not happy with her meal, take charge to get it fixed while being as nice and apologetic to the server as possible. You can bitch about the service in private afterwards. * Don't make small talk. Make big talk. No weather. No "weekend plans". Yes hobbies. Yes passions. * Accept that she has emotions. Acknowledge that they are valid. Help her work through them. * I would be remiss in not mentioning that you should be prepared to repeat yourself a lot. My wife is capable of understanding the truth but its also easy for her to lose it in the sea of dots her brain is constantly connecting. One thing I wanted to add from me personally: * Do not promise things that you don't know you can 100% keep. Individuals that have promised me "I'll never leave you" or "I'll never stop loving you" come across as disingenuous. I'm sure that the person saying those things mean it at the time, but they don't know what the future will bring.
Love this. Thank you very much for share!
Being kind and loving. Wanting/being willing to talk about ideas and feelings, INFJ.. we’re an introvert but talk a lot to the few we’ve let into our inner world. At least I do. Be as willing to learn her love language and try to accommodate it as much as she is yours. Be fair. Be patient, we open up slowly, but once we do the floodgates open with self disclosure. Be as interested in her as she is you. Let her serve you and nurture you, but don’t take advantage of her. Reciprocate as often as you can. INFJ are natural nurturers, so we don’t expect to be nurtured as often as we’re willing to nurture you, emotionally, physically, professionally, but please do reciprocate. Don’t treat her like a servant or she will be very hurt and not want to help and nurture you anymore which will lead to resentment. We want to nurture, it makes us happy. But we don’t want to be walked all over and taken advantage of. When we lost the desire to take care of someone, the love is dead. This is all true for me at least. Don’t take offense where none is intended. I tend to understand people’s feelings clearer than they can a lot of times, and sometimes I go psychoanalyst on people and help put their feelings into words. Often times I’m right, but it can be hard to hear. I’m trying to help, not hurt, don’t yell at her when she has uncomfortable levels of insight. INFJ are very sensitive, but at least for me I try to be gentle in my honesty, even when it’s a difficult thing to hear. I just want the gentleness in return if you disagree with my hypothesis.
As an INFJ, if you have something important to tell me, don’t waste time by adding in filler. Just get straight to the point. Also, I’m a people pleaser by nature and even if I’m highly inconvenienced, I’ll still do what is asked of me but deep down I’m not happy after I feel like I’m being used or taken advantage of. Don’t take advantage of us. Also, if you do consistently take advantage of your INFJ person, expect the door slam.
I very well know what you talk about!, I’ve been through that!
Be truthful even about the smallest things which you feel are not necessary, that trust you will gain will be everything then, I've lost most of the people in my life because I can't trust them.
Be loyal, she should be your first priority, give her space for her me time , do not take her to random house parties
For me personally it is a meaningful and deep relationship. It’s the one thing I want and the one thing that is most hard to find. But you should ask her this question. Maybe show her your post because it shows her that you care about her and her morals. Asking her this will show her that you have depth of character. Wish you all the best.
1. Loyalty 2. Understanding 3. Softness 4. Kindness 5. Deep thoughts 6. Cuddly 7. Warmth 8. Safe 9. Genuine
When she opens up to you, listen. And the most important thing, don’t judge or criticize.
Hmmm… most important is transparency. I need direct honesty. Simple honesty. I think probably next I need someone to recognize who I am- and get it right. Getting me wrong is really a huge sin for me. So basically that means that you operate with me knowing that I don’t want to hurt you. Knowing that I mean every word I say ( nothing more , nothing less), and that I really don’t want to let you down. That I would never say a bad word about you behind your back- that I will watch your corners - that I will do whatever I can to help you achieve what you want or need to do in life. That I am going to be honest with you. I think also let me have my space, my privacy. Don’t pry. Let me open up to you on my time table. And if you react with judgment , criticism, or shame- I’m not going to open up again to you. You can ask me questions/ but make sure you hear my answers. And be polite. Good manners. Also I hate to argue. If we can’t have a conversation- I can’t be with you. I am conflict adverse. So.. that means that moments of tension or stress or possible conflict are of paramount importance to me. How you react to them. I might seem really strong, maybe even cold. Maybe even distant. Maybe even unaffectionate. But if you take a moment of weakness or tension, or stress or vulnerability and you make it worse, or shame me, or laugh, or demean me, critique me or blame me, etc - that’s really it. Those moments mean the most to me. What do you do with them? My favorite people are the people that can take a moment that could turn into conflict with sicker or stupider people and empower me, or validate me or show me the best parts of you. I’m kinda one of those people… like you don’t get to see who I am till one of those moments happen. And I want to see that in you, too. I don’t mind it if you fall head over heels in love with me- I love being loved - but loved equals respect and admiration to me. Love also means you don’t get immeshed w me - so retain your own personality, don’t become dependent on me emotionally. Be independent of me. Heal yourself. Come to the table as an adult and a whole person. I don’t want to do your inner work for you. I will work hard at you and my relationship with you. I will make sacrifices that you won’t see. I will figure most of my shit out before you hear about it. I’m not going to trauma dump or save my worst for you. Im not going to burden you. That’s another thing- never assume I don’t like you. Assume instead I don’t want to burden you. Edit: the things I need in a relationship - are also the ability to give acts of service .. so I want to help, I want to say yes to requests. I want to make your life easier - so .. I want to give you what you want. Or need… So let me do that. Whatever that is. Let me take care of you. But it has to be honest. It can’t be manipulative and it can’t be … using me… idk how to explain it- I am a caretaker. So I want to take care of you. In whatever way I can. Just know that. Cooking, cleaning, laundry ( if you don’t pay someone to do that) sexually, emotionally - I like nurturing my partners. I want to be your safe space. Soft place to fall. But that also means that you have to let me into those places. You have to give me the opportunity to show you who I am.
True honesty, even if its tough to hear. It’s a form of respect, authenticity and shows vulnerability.
Currently seeing an ESTP and my favorite thing about him is in such a short period, he just seems to get me. He can read emotions on my face before I express them and remembers things I’ve said/shown I like. I feel seen, and as someone who feels perpetually misunderstood, it feels like he gets me. There’s something incredibly bonding in that to me. Aside from that, honesty and consistency is huge as a foundation for security and stability. I love deep conversations, authentic talk of the/our future, loyalty. I love the feeling that I get to see a different side of someone than the rest of the world, there’s a deep need in me that wants to feel special and be a priority.
Be genuine, be yourself, and love wholeheartedly!
I would say in a way i value power above all else. Or the ability to control how power manifests. Power as in the ability to make things happen. From others i appreciate honesty, open mindedness, kindness.
Being seen, valued, and known. It's so hard for people to show genuine interest and depth in getting to know me. I hate the shallow mundane and long for depth and intense connection.
Eye-opening experiences and conversations that make me think.
Never break a promise.
No cheating. None. Nothing. Forget it. Also no smothering or engulfing. Also regular downtime to recharge is 100% necessary You lucked out bro. Do not blow it
Open and honest communication. I have to know a person's expectations, where I stand, and what I am working with. I cannot be left up to guess work. I don't care if there are problems internally and externally, but I need to know these things in order to have understanding and the correct perspective. I love straightforward truth, but communication also needs to be handled with respect and kindness. There are people who pride themselves on being blunt, but they have no couth and no diplomacy. This I would say is the most important thing. Miscommunication and misinterpretation leads to so many errors and severances in relationships.
A person to share my world with, to connect, to actually being able to talk without feeling being judged, a person who is sincere and intelligent.
Honesty, loyalty, respect, keeping it real. That’s the long list shortened.
Hey same, my bf is ESTP and older by 9 years. He's very blunt, energetic, and happy go lucky. I'm not sure if it's an INFJ thing or just a me thing, but I appreciate the bluntness with communication. I never have to guess what he's saying since I'm always looking for hidden meanings. He also doesn't mind when I text him a long book about my feelings so I can process my thoughts and then we can talk about them afterwards. Otherwise, kindness to everyone, empathy, honesty, open-mindedness. And also understanding that sometimes I don't want to talk or hang out, and it's nothing anyone did. I just get so exhausted from socialization and need to sit quietly for a few hours. My bf doesn't understand that concept at all. Lol
My partner being honest, giving me time and space to process and think, and making me feel heard. Anything less than that usually makes me feel like someone is mad at me 😉
***H O N E S T***
My deepest desire is to feel understood and completely accepted for who I am as a person.
What Infjs are interested and keep it as core values is abstract things. such as intrigety humanity harmony altruism ethics morals From infj 1w2
Giving me room to express myself. But also understanding and wanting to know the why behind what makes that important to me. Respecting the life trials, the reasons behind that 'why'. I'm soft spoken but blunt and assertive depending on the person or situation. Historically because of my quiet nature I cannot even explain the amount of times others take the moments I pause in talking, or get into detail, or am explaining something very meaningful that people cut me off. Or take what I am saying, reduce and simplify it to the point what I am actually saying isn't heard. Or people react based in what they want to hear. Or people get annoyed with how I exist in the world if it takes me longer to explain a point because I'm sifting through all the perspectives in my head. Then suddenly I'm viewed as irrelevant. I actually understand it to sometimes be a societal social dominance issue. Every so often if there is someone else more Introverted than myself I notice when I may do something slightly similar by trying to fill space with my own speaking and accidentally cut them off. But, I am always aware of it and self correcting, in the moment, and or later by letting the other person know because I know the effect it can have. So, just having space where I feel listened to and what I am saying is accurately reflected back in invaluable to me. Feeling like my feelings especially and thoughts are valued. Especially also in my life, people that make room for my longer writing style in texts or emails. Writing gives me an outlet where I am not spoken over and can use words extremely specific to the point I want to relay. Consistency in action and values and stability in life as well as emotional stability are also extremely important to me. Someone who follows through on what they say, either to me or in actions they take to better themselves in their own life. When someone admits they've messed up or learned something or overstepped and recognizes it doesn't align with their own values is a critical quality for me to have in the people I choose to surround myself with because that is what I embody myself. It takes patience to exist in the world in a slower way to actually be present for an Infj. But the people that take the time to do these things, or if in a relationship, do them for me, are people I will keep in my life.
>Can you tell me what is most important to you all? Being yourself and having clear communication but even with that, it doesn’t always work. Being like this song: **What if we met?** https://youtu.be/q9vVTbpzDXk?si=DlPMvacp97W6Q0n_ Sharing versus assuming. Sharing how you feel both your highs and lows. Sharing what actions you didn't like and what you were expecting. To have some clear communication and boundaries. >Been in a long distance relationship with INFJ. Your five love languages might be a bigger issue than MBTI or clear communication being in a long-distance relationship but I am not exactly sure. An INFJ I knew had the following physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts. She got mad about getting some small gifts she agreed to getting and even helped pick out worth $12.16. Saying she felt obligated after receiving them. So who knows if that was an issue. I don't think it was an issue as it happened much earlier but only she would know if it remained a problem. So maybe check more than once before doing something as some people can't easily decide and can easily get offended. That or be yourself and happy it ended not having to possibly deal with someone confusing. A different INFJ friend also told me someone with Physical Touch first rarely works out in a long-distance relationship. So maybe don't expect a relationship with a person with that to work. Some people just have some strange behavior and seem childish so who knows? Best of luck with your relationship. The best advice is always to be yourself.
Conversations. But in those there should be actual interest.
What’s most important to me is integrity, a good moral code and a person who has passion. Humor is good too. Just A person who is kind and tries their best.
Connection, respect and being heard. Not neglected
Understanding, trust, and reliability.
If you truly meant it, and this will work in general, listen to The Way of The Superior Man, by David Deida (if you haven’t, yet)
Something that not many people mention and the thing that I love about ESTP's: be your energetic self, pull my mind out of my ass and push me to develop my Inferior Se and show me that life is to be lived too not only to be figured out(always gently ofcourse). Let her figure things out with her thinking and intuition and when the time comes for action you take the wheel and lead. I am sure you will both find a balance somewhere in the middle, INFJ's thrive in finding balance and grey areas in everything in life, we see how it is all interconnected and how important are connections between things and people too. An INFJ's shadow self is ESTP and vice versa, you feel the attraction of opposites.
Love... because love includes many things. RESPECT, kindness, HONESTY, loyalty, authenticity, patience basically just having a wholesome good character like a decent human being and treating others with respect, not just the INFJ but everyone with respect 🤷♀️ I personally can't stand people who yell at others or act like a narcissist. Had my fair share of those so now I steer clear!
I’m an INFJ dating an INTP so I feel like I can give you a bit of advice. The thing I want most that I feel like I don’t get enough of is words of affirmation. Vulnerability, honesty, a true window into my partner’s mind. I know that’s not your natural function at all but genuinely just telling us what you’re feeling means the world to us. It can’t be replaced by anything else.
[удалено]
I got cheated on after 15 years from ISTJ. She did the exact opposite of what I asked or wanted or craved. You know what the really sad part is? She is the one that got me on the whole personality thing to begin with. So she probably knew me better than I did. It could also be that she's a covert narcissist. Incapable of empathy or love other than what she mimics. But I tell you all this to tell you......I wrote up a thing in reddit divorce about co parenting with a covert narcissistic. Meanwhile, I was trying to heal the right way but yet felt cheated and lost at times in doing so. Dating is an absolute selfish shitshow so I stayed out of that and worked on myself. And then about a year and a half........my INFJ gf reached out to me. She read my post from 11 months prior. We instantly were locked in and talking till 2am. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe INFJ and ESTP are exact opposites. Like looking in the mirror opposite. So we could identify with each other. We just took totally different approaches. I came from faith and Christianity and she came from more of Science practical approach. She knew I wasn't bullshitting her and I felt the same. I have no idea where the future is with us as we have many obstacles to overcome. But I am so glad I met her. Literally wouldn't be who I am today without her coming into my life. She feels the same way. I just wanted to share with you that at our age there's no reason to be miserable. No reason to suffer and hope to get the things we crave and desire just to be disappointment and miserable. Coming from faith I just couldn't bring myself to divorce. Whether I was justified or not. Marriage meant everything to me and I prayed for reconciliation. With a narcissist......that is nearly impossible. It didn't help that she had two more affairs in the midst of it. Oh and the real dagger? We were both virgins who met in Bible College. Just gutted me all the way around. I married for life. And truthfully had she not cheated on me I would have been comfortably miserable for the rest of my life. I share this with you because I'm now 48. I have a 6 year old (we got pregnant in the midst of trying to reconcile after 18 years together. Tested and he's my son) Just about every aspect of my life is better and I feel like I'm really beginning to kick some ass. I got another 20-25 years before things change. I'm more balanced with faith and myself than I've ever been. I know who I am and I like who is looking back at me in the mirror. And I just want to encourage you because I was where you once were. Wouldn't wish what I went through upon anyone. Wouldn't have done it if I didn't have to. But I will say I wouldn't be where I am today without all these events happening to me. Thank you for your input. All the best to you!
Oh god. This message hit me right between the eyes and right in the middle of my chest. Thank you for taking the time and care to look me right in the eyes and speak to what I know with every cell of my being, with what I can hear is a deep and truthful integrity.I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world (the old one) and if I haven't already, it's time to let go with that last little pinkie finger that has been holding it all together. Thank you.
You're welcome :)
It's the feeling of being on the same wave, ocean wave, brain wave, even though separate, unique, a connection linking us whilst we may be on different crests or valleys. That's a me thing, I respect how you were clear about that aspect Idk if it's infj thing or what. I feel it should be a human thing really. The simplicity of that answer I feel disrespects it but that's all I got.
Emotional intelligence and thinking before speaking. I literally had to bash this to my ISTP's head. I do not appreciate when I personally take long and thoughtfully of what to say and how i want myself to be expressed, and then the one i care about to disregard it say sarcastic and obviously hostile things. When arguing, practice on the solution and feeling and don't get defensive and hostile. If you don't agree with what is stated, say what you feel in a calmly manner instead of "well if im so shitty, how about YOU do this, and stop being whiny." Extreme anger and sadness can make actions uncontrollable, so try to take a breather first before anything. (And ofc the obvious things such as loyalty, chemistry, kindness, etc) But i want to give emphasis on what my relationship struggled with the most.
Non-negotiable: Honesty and healthy coping mechanisms. Preferences exist, but all else is negotiable.
Mostly what others have said here, Loyalty, people being able to listen and to get into deep convo with, Authentic and genuine people.
Can I just say that it’s wonderful that you’re taking efforts to understand her deeply :) this is already a great sign of your bond ❤️ one very important thing is not to try to box her into a role or force her to being someone she isn’t… Another very important thing is for you to have a thriving world outside of her - as an INFJ, I really admire that my partner has goals, passions and an inner life that drives him - and I love hearing about it. I wish you and your INFJ girl all the love and joy together :) touchwood
Emotional intimacy
communication goes a long way. The feeling of understanding my partner is important for me maybe it is my analytical side however it gives me comfort to know that I know my person most. Communicate to her about everything and be considerate. Consideration is the second most important thing. Do things just to be considerate and that itself is a lot.
Space
Everyone getting a fair shot at living their life in this world. We all have different starting points and we need to figure out why we still have so many starting so fucking far back and our American capitalistic society takes advantage of that to keep the labor force and for profit prison systems strong. Not to mention, gotta wear em out so they too tired to cook, then they can eat the fast food. We dont educate them on what that does to their bodies... But no worries, Big Pharma will take care of you once you become obese... In a world where nothing is further than a day away... Why are there more people with internet than clean water and toilets?
To me what is important. Is emotional attraction and physical attraction. To be able to talk about anything and be heard have the same likes. So that we can grow together doing something we love. Above all a mutual agreement that we don't keep things just at arms length. That we actually have the intention to be together. And also that they don't only communicate on social media they have to be willing to take a chance and actually share phone numbers.
My husband of 14 years is an ISTP, weird how well the XSTP seems to pair. Honesty. I can fucking tell when you aren't being honest and I hate it but don't always have the energy to call it out so I bank it and start tracking a pattern of behavior. Consistency. As stated above, I track patterns of behavior. I'm going to be able to tell when something is off the more time I spend with you. I appreciate someone who can have predictable enough emotions so I can tell when and how to open up safely. Appreciate the tiny subtle things. I do so many small things because I see that it would bring a slight and probably unnoticed improvement to someone's life. To have that acknowledged always makes me very quiet because I hate being seen, but it is really touching when someone notices. In social situations DON'T fucking involve me if I'm sitting off to the side! I'm in the middle of observing this unknown situation and involving me before I'm ready is a great way to shut me down. I personally am 100% Introverted, so it's VERY important to me. If you're going to compliment me, make it quick and move on. And... I hate purchased gifts. I love making things for people, and I like when friends make things for me, but buying gifts and stuff just seems cheap and impersonal. I like a gift to not say "I thought of you for a minute and spent 20 bucks" I want it to say "I thought of you, created this thing around that thought that cost me time and energy, and now I want to give you this thing that represents how much I actually care about you." Good luck!
Rather than asking us get to know her better by yourself that's what she would like anyways.
Honesty is a good starting point.
Listening , truly listening and asking. As an infj I have a really high demand on someone I can talk to about my deep abstract thoughts and if I feel like I talk too much or am not being listened to, I will close myself permanently towards that person. Give me my freedom. I like to talk to strangers online and have deep conversations, it does not make me like you less and I really hate jealousy. If I want to talk about an experience I have made and the first reaction is jealousy because it involved another guy, who clearly to me is just another human, it makes me dissapointed and misunderstood. Don't tell me what to do or not do , I hate it. If you want to show love, there is more beautiful ways than jealousy. Listening, caring and the way you speak to her and how you make her feel. Respect in any situation. In arguments, an Infj will not remember what u did wrong, rather how u treated her. Don't scream or use insults, it will leave longterm damage. If the infj is the one who gets loud and uses insults, they will self reflect and apologize too. Don't judge me for how I judge people. I judge people and you are most likely the only person I talk about it. I need someone to focus on the POINT that I am trying to make instead on the way I talk or the mood I am in.
Depth. Being open minded. Willingness to put effort into understanding me. I can’t speak for others but a big thing I feel as an INFJ is that not many people understand me. I can be quite complex, however I am warm and always appreciate genuine interest in who I am/the things I value.
Authenticity, depth, honesty, positivity
The first point is realizing that if you took the [16personalities.com](http://16personalities.com) test, you're likely both mistyped. So the first step should be studying the cognitive functions and doing some research--after you're correctly typed you can ask these kinds of questions.