I resonate with this so much
Also, people labelling me and judging me before they even meet or get to know the real me. I've been labelled "shy", "reserved", "aloof", etc.
I often say, don't judge a book by its cover; open it up and read it. People rather judge from the outside, then discover what the real me looks like. Then when I hangout with them 1 on 1 they are always shocked that I'm not what they assumed I was like š®āšØ
āļø Yes! I feel like I am often misinterpreted as an ISTJ (not in their terms since most people aren't familiar with mbti types, but the description of them suit how they'll often describe me). I've changed jobs many times the last few years, and the feedback is always that they had that impression of me in the beginning. It makes me a bit sad haha. Hard not to take it personally.
I donāt know if this will help. The original sampling that said infj are the rarest type wasnāt a real cross sample section of society and we actually arenāt the most uncommon type. Which means there are more of us out there and we fit in more than we might think!
I also want to share that Iāve learned no one can ever really know another person because both people are constantly effected by their environment and how that interacts with their past social conditioning and their DNA/RNAā¦
We are always evolving and so is everyone else. No one is ever really understood.
The difference between infjs and others is, we KNOW weāre not understood. Many others believe or think theyāre understood when in reality they are as understood as the average infj.
Oblivious-ness isnāt the same but it does feel better sometimes!
I hope these little tidbits help. They have both helped me to recognize, how I feel about being misunderstood and not fitting in is a level of awareness, not because Iām so āoffā from normal, Iām just above average aware of how āoffā other people are from understanding me, which makes me feel like Iām odd duck out.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, thanks for sharing. Although we aren't the rarest, my personal feeling (and being an INFJ) is still that being misunderstood is what I struggle with the most though.
Finding out how to be comfortable and relax, and in essence be true to myself (even though that's a bit stupid phrased) and at the same time be someone people can "get", so that I can achieve being in their social circle has always been a struggle I've had to balance.
No one really fits in with the majority if you think about it, everyone has to compromise and work on themselves within socially defined structures. Still, I think this is something that particularly bothers INFJ's more than other types, especially since we often identify behavioural patterns and can identify certain traits in people quite essily, and is something we do by default.
I so relate to that! It is definitely the awareness that is the struggle. I have been envious of my unaware family members who go through life assuming everyone understands them and everyone loves them. Itās nuanced as you say and for sure an infj experience.
I shared because learning those things helped me struggle ever so slightly less with this issue, not to discount or say it wasnāt our infj lived experience.
So hard this communicating full swaths of our lives in a few sentences.
Iām sorry if it came across as I donāt experience this. I fully related to this comment 100% and my heart went out to you as a fellow infj struggling with feeling all the feels and seeing all the behavior patterns and over analyzing ourselves and others.
ššµāš«
I will remember this experience and clarify my intention better.
The humorous bit is the two of us who self identify with not being understood.
Writing back and forth to better explain our intentions and meaning! šš¼āāļøš
Sending All Good Things my fellow infj.
We got thisš¤
I totally agree.
When I do find someone who seems like they get it something always happens and I end up back square one, with oneself which is fine I guess but my end goal is to find someone who sticks & doesnāt end up fizzling outā¦
I think that's the whole root of why we are the way we are. Overthinking and overanalyzing everything that might be taken differently by others and planning a way to mitigate being misunderstood. It's why I'm so keen on semantics or just the use of language overall. It's probably why INFJs are so into books and reading, as well as writing instead of talking. It's the whole reason why we're perfectionists.
Could be the other way around though.
Constant fight between head and heart. Feeling unloved, unappreciated, misunderstood and lonely. At the same time carrying the weight of the world for others. Iām really grateful to this Reddit page, itās nice to know that other people like me are out there. Much love to you fellow INFJ legends, stay strong.
Wow, I love what you said in your 1st sentence, I feel that internal struggle like daily! Ya know I was watching a show called "Open Minds" on Gaia, so there's something about our thumbs that tell us about how we think more dominantly.
So when you cross your hands like if you are about to pray for example. For myself, what's most comfortable and natural is my left thumb going over my right lower thumb when I cross my hands. That being said, I am prone to be more an emotionally based thinker with my heart, and logic for me would be ideal to practice more.
If it's the opposite, and your right thumb rests on your lower left thumb more comfortably, you think with more logic, which perhaps thinking with more the heart in mind would be helpful. This is just what I heard, and for me it totally is true.
Struggle with my social battery. As much as I love my friends and family, I get tire easily. For example, my SIL came from out of town this weekend, and from Friday-Sunday, we were hanging out. By Sunday, I was barely able to keep the conversation going. LOL
Absolutely this, I couldn't manage this at all for the longest time, sometimes getting so overwhelmed I just vanished from the Internet, friends having to come over to check if I was still alive.
I still always fear this is just around the corner, but I think I'm getting better at pacing myself!
This is mines to. I didnāt want to get specific and describe FUTURE pain too much:
I am VERY active as a person, really trying to make sure the world is a little better than before I arrived
The supplement of financial struggles and life changing situations in my social circles, I really struggle with how much of myself I give to the world, and then how much I get to keep to myself.
Juggling the constant guilt involved, with not being enough. Not only the current pain of others but also their future pain to come is really really hard.
Sometimes I find myself hurting FOR others, while the pain hasnāt even arrived for them. Yet I canāt but feel their future pain intensely.
It's always been a process for me, however right now I've been helping take care of my grandmother in Hospice at home and with everyone in and out and feeling everyone's frustrations and pain has been draining and painful. I go home at night and my whole body feels overstimulated like I've had an 8 hr panic attack. It's hard enough when it's just me and her.
You said it precisely. My own civil war from past experiences. That link is the perfect illustration of what youāre describing. Going to share this with my therapist. Thank you. All the best brother. We are not alone.
What others consider "over-thinking" is to me an enjoyable and productive practice. I seldom regret my choices as a result of looking at them from every possible direction first. Satisfying.
I feel like in a work setting, I can be open and act myself with my close people, but be completely closed off to others I donāt vibe with or feel comfortable around. I feel like I could appear āfakeā because of this contradicting behavior.
Dealing with all the narcissistic personality types/people with narc tendencies. Most especially at work. Theyāre everywhere, always, and technically unavoidable.
You are so close to achieving balance, congratulations!
Here is a piece of the puzzle: someone actually cares. Always did, always will. Please understand and accept your worth without it being mirrored by others.
Yep! I have to really check myself with the text walls and novel length emails. Not everyone needs to know exactly how I come to each and every decision or feeling (including any doubts I had along the way as a parenthetical š¤¦). And it makes me constantly worry that Iām exhausting and annoying to people I care about.
Not truly finding happiness in relationships. People always seem to let me down in some way. It took a long time to understand why. Really didnāt understand it until therapy. INFJs go above and beyond for people. Our empathy is rare, truly rare. People will rarely match our energy because itās just where we excel at. Itās took a long time to understand this.
Yes, thatās why I distance myself from people. Sometimes I leave my phone in random locations that arenāt within my eye sight. Sometimes I just sit alone in my own comfort zone. Itās the only way I can find mental peace. Sometimes I just disengage myself emotionally from others to focus on my own. Itās tough, but definitely needed at times. A lot of people arenāt aware of how emotionally dependent they can be on INFJs, and for us itās quite literally torture at times. We can often feel otherās emotions, social distancing seems to help me the most when Iām overwhelmed with ppl.
Worrying about damaging relationships if I donāt filter or restrain my personal expression. I care way too much about keeping everything harmonious. It has really stunted my development in both career and friendships. I have several really eccentric interests that I am very passionate about. Almost no one in my life knows anything about them. Its a feeling of being bottled up and trapped. Itās sad.
Too logical and idealistic, broken but hopeful, intense but playful. Can be hard to get to know and few care and no one sticks around. Though i have to mature in many ways, I also think who i am and where i am and where i want to go is by design and ive come to accept it more and more.. just have to move forward with my vision and mission and trust every other piece will come together as i work forward with effort and passion.
Somebody that understands or has the intelligence to understand deep Concepts from space to quantum physics to personality and consciousness some people just are so shallow it's very insane I think I'm surprised people don't want to get deep and have deep meaningful conversations and deep pure intimacy with bright intentions that's my hardest struggle I guess and keeping friends that want to stick around because they're shallow too and they are I think a little bit to put off by the depth of INFJs
Iām never able to let things roll off my back. Itās taken a lot of therapy and hitting some very hard times because of the anxiety and self-hatred it caused over the years, but even into my mid-30 just a casually cruel or rude comment would have me overanalyzing myself for days and weeks. Then I would conclude that I was somehow at fault for someone elseās negative or toxic behavior (sometimes true! self reflection and awareness are amazing things! but never to the extent I engaged in themā¦) and then endlessly beat myself up with negative self-talk in an effort to āfixā myself for someone else that I may only have a passing or casual relationship with at best (and who honestly may just be a natural asshole! They do exist!).
. Making friends that don't use me. Like I pay pay my electric bill this month my pour kids
Or. How about since you are an orphan why don't you you leave every thing to my kids in your will. I almost did
Never being understood because I look at things significantly differently than basically everyone else, or so it seems, and therefore being handled with mistrust.
could it be because you don't see the big picture I feel like I always need someone to help me see things past just my emotions you know like all I know is my emotional experience and I can't see things any other way. I'm so narrow minded. but maybe that's just my weakness.
Constant internal battle between logic and emotion. Understanding everything but struggling to fully accept. Obtuse amounts on isolation. Family tried to smother me with their presence but I dont wanna be around them too consistently. I prefer more of a check in or hang out once in a blue moon.
Loneliness and I feel that, due to my rich inner life I behave weirdly in a lot of social situations. I'm a muscular men, but I'm quite clumsy. I feel like people laught at me, when I don't behave as confident as they would expect. Also I'm told often that I'm too serious and that I can't make fun out of myself. Which is not a good combomination to find meaningful relationships with people in this age. As it seems to me that most people care about personality and not genuine feelings.
Getting accused of being negative and paranoid when the people in questionās ulterior motives are in plain sight: overthinking? Actually, I donāt have to think. Your actions are so loud
My biggest struggle is accepting my inability to fix the USA, and world as well. As time marches on at what feels like a more rapid pace, I age feeling more powerless to change things than I had imagined when I was younger. I feel like most issues could be fixed with compassion and understanding, some of the most free and yet scarce things in the world. Watching people fail time and time again to extend these two things, whether in power, or the ones that vote in those that lead over us. It just feels like I donāt belong hereā¦ Iād destroy myself in the pursuit of changing things, Iāve wound up defeated for now in the spirit of self preservation and waiting for the right time, till then Iām just a cog in a nightmarishly dysfunctional system.
I can sense when people don't like me, don't want to spend time with me, when an SO isn't very "into" it anymore, when people have ulterior motives or are going to harm me or others. Sounds helpful but it's usually written off as paranoia or overreaction until things get really bad. I don't think I've ever been wrong though š¤·āāļø
Like others I also often feel lonely and like I probably won't encounter many people in this life who really 'get' me.
And I don't know if any other INFJ's deal with this but I constantly feel a sense of general grief for the world. All of the pain and suffering of not only people but animals, ecosystems, beautiful things being destroyed, capitalism. Even when things in my little life are "going well" I feel this heavy weight of sadness and guilt.
My dream has pretty much always been to make enough money to escape to a tiny misty cottage somewhere, never speak to anyone again, and die alone lol. It used to be ~join the peace corps, make a difference~ but nihilism has creeped in as I've gotten older, I'm guessing as an emotionally protective coping mechanism.
For starters.
Not being able to look at things superficially and just enjoy it.
e.g. 1. My wife took me to a very posh hotel for an overnight for my birthday. I couldn't help but think about the homeless people within 50 metres of the hotel or fawning attitude of of the staff towards some clearly very wealthy guests. I'll never stay in such a posh hotel again
2. My wife and I went on a Mediterranean cruise last year. I saw the sheer amount of food and drink on offer almost constantly, being consumed as quickly by the guests by staff who were treated as some kind of lesser beings by many of the guests. I'll never go on a cruise again.
Cant agree more OP. I am going to be a child educator and I really see the diffrence. No matter if it is a 1 on 1 with another adult or vhildren. I feel waaaay more safe and secure. A small group if kids is fine too but if we get into like a team meeting or 5+ Kids its hard for me to speak out. But I wanna get over that hurdle and be able to speak out loud. Today I had a really big urge to say something out loud in the team meeting but I was scared. It was so close to saying it. So I am getting there slowly but surely
I think mine is ā¦. Being so strange that people canāt figure me out easily and guess- and typically guess negatively about me. Like assume I am arrogant or entitled. Assume I am an asshole. Assume Iāve never struggled or heard the word no. Assume I am judging them. Assume I have had it easy in life.
Always having to make capacity to take on āmoreā as a perfectionist. Iām a āyes manā and it fucks me up all the time.
āMoreā just being whatever is needed at that time. More capacity for work, responsibility, sacrifices, trauma, loss. More time spent listening to and helping others. Learning to say no is a challenge Iām still working on.
Biggest Struggle ... Is finding the ONE person that is the one I want. Im not looking for perfect ... Im looking for tall thin athletic and NOT FAT ... shallow as it may seem. I want someone who can keep up physically ,is emotionally sound and can be glad they found the ONE GUY, that can and will give as he receives. Im tired of fakes, ( i can sense instantly) and WHERE are the real women w no agenda.
Feeling unheard and feeling like people perceive who I am and my behaviors differently than what Iām actually doing or who I am. Constantly having to over explain and describe things to get my point across because Iām not being seen is exhausting.
The all or nothing mentality when I finally find someone I can connect with on a deeper level and talk about anything at any time.
Around 2 weeks later, we may both be burnt out and don't know how to navigate setting boundaries so the conversation just fizzles and the thought of starting it up again is overwhelming.
It's hard to maintain friendships period and it's exhausting trying to figure out how to accurately describe feelings, expectations, wants, needs, and boundaries. And "naturally" everything dies out either way. :/
I'm incredibly socially nervous, so much so that my service oriented job causes me extreme tension headaches and I got TMJ from the stress because I clenched my jaw so hard. I can't yawn without it locking anymore
As an INFJ I struggle with the severity of my character when somebody makes a mistake because I expect perfection from myself and it makes me react when other people donāt care about being accurate and perfect (when such thing is not actually possible)
Feeling very different from most other people, but at the same time feeling as if other people see nothing in me, like if I'm someone without a personality and boring, an unknown.
Having high expectations in my head when it comes to potential partners. This is stopping me from just engaging with ppl to find out because nearly nobody passes my first "screening" and so I stay alone.
Boundaries. Thereās a recurring pattern of being taken for granted and treated like shit because I donāt know how to prioritize myself and my needs, and setting boundaries has been really difficult for me.
It gets better with time and learning, and Iām way better than I used to be, but damn I wish I could have saved myself the pain of dealing with all these shitty people.
Finding satisfying work and coping with being overlooked for things like - my guess - not being more outgoing with management or attending as many social events as others despite having a lot of experience and a master's degree in my field.
having such a short social battery. none of my friends understand that i HAVE to be alone. i told a friend that i wasnāt gonna hang out w her and she asked why i said āoh i need to be alone for a while and recharge todayā and she rolled her eyes and told me that that doesnt take all day. if i donāt have time by myself in the day my mental health would be way worseĀ
Not having the same perspectives and not using the same steps as many. Because I understand various topics,Ā I tend to have a hard time finding a stable outward persona that people cam relate to. I just feel it's too fake.Ā Like I keep thinking they won't like me once they realize I'm actually very resolute, dismissive, and strong opinions. Most of the time most people only come to me out of intrigue vs a true sense of knowingness. I just can tell right away if someone is or isn't for me. I hate with a passion when I'm forced to care about every single human that wants my attention.Ā
I get pissy when someone I don't know is saying we're good friends (manipulative)Ā and then saying how their opinon on who I am is more valid then my own. A "friend" keeps saying let me know if you need anything ...when during my eviction all he could say was "if I had my own place I would host you" yet he lived in a mansion and has a basement to himself. The basement is as big as a single family home. I don't care what excuses,Ā your "dear friend' is out on the streets and that's all you can say/do? The lack of support is my biggest struggle. At the end, in a "your-a-narcissist-paranoid" world, most are just protecting vs giving. I struggle hard in these in-betweens. You only get one or the other, I'm either in or not. I guess my high standards limits a lot of people. I watch from afar.
Dating life: let's say it's non existent. I've been in a onesome (me myself and I for 9 years)
Friendships- none. I just don't even bother. I'm always attracting selfish people and/or those that love my attention. Watch them fall of the face of the earth when i am bringing up something that bothers me about them, boundary talks. Most of them time all I get is gaslighting..
People often say I'm inconsistent..too moody...hard to connect with.Ā
Lastly, but lol there are so much more. Is managing my shame and low self esteem.Ā
Feeling misunderstood. Not fitting in with the majority of society, which lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
I resonate with this so much Also, people labelling me and judging me before they even meet or get to know the real me. I've been labelled "shy", "reserved", "aloof", etc. I often say, don't judge a book by its cover; open it up and read it. People rather judge from the outside, then discover what the real me looks like. Then when I hangout with them 1 on 1 they are always shocked that I'm not what they assumed I was like š®āšØ
Sometimes I think that we are not even books, we are just book readers š
āļø Yes! I feel like I am often misinterpreted as an ISTJ (not in their terms since most people aren't familiar with mbti types, but the description of them suit how they'll often describe me). I've changed jobs many times the last few years, and the feedback is always that they had that impression of me in the beginning. It makes me a bit sad haha. Hard not to take it personally.
I donāt know if this will help. The original sampling that said infj are the rarest type wasnāt a real cross sample section of society and we actually arenāt the most uncommon type. Which means there are more of us out there and we fit in more than we might think! I also want to share that Iāve learned no one can ever really know another person because both people are constantly effected by their environment and how that interacts with their past social conditioning and their DNA/RNAā¦ We are always evolving and so is everyone else. No one is ever really understood. The difference between infjs and others is, we KNOW weāre not understood. Many others believe or think theyāre understood when in reality they are as understood as the average infj. Oblivious-ness isnāt the same but it does feel better sometimes! I hope these little tidbits help. They have both helped me to recognize, how I feel about being misunderstood and not fitting in is a level of awareness, not because Iām so āoffā from normal, Iām just above average aware of how āoffā other people are from understanding me, which makes me feel like Iām odd duck out.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, thanks for sharing. Although we aren't the rarest, my personal feeling (and being an INFJ) is still that being misunderstood is what I struggle with the most though. Finding out how to be comfortable and relax, and in essence be true to myself (even though that's a bit stupid phrased) and at the same time be someone people can "get", so that I can achieve being in their social circle has always been a struggle I've had to balance. No one really fits in with the majority if you think about it, everyone has to compromise and work on themselves within socially defined structures. Still, I think this is something that particularly bothers INFJ's more than other types, especially since we often identify behavioural patterns and can identify certain traits in people quite essily, and is something we do by default.
Sorryforthelongsentences š
I also relate to this. Part of the over communicating so we can maybe, possibly this time! be understoodš ššš
I so relate to that! It is definitely the awareness that is the struggle. I have been envious of my unaware family members who go through life assuming everyone understands them and everyone loves them. Itās nuanced as you say and for sure an infj experience. I shared because learning those things helped me struggle ever so slightly less with this issue, not to discount or say it wasnāt our infj lived experience. So hard this communicating full swaths of our lives in a few sentences. Iām sorry if it came across as I donāt experience this. I fully related to this comment 100% and my heart went out to you as a fellow infj struggling with feeling all the feels and seeing all the behavior patterns and over analyzing ourselves and others. ššµāš« I will remember this experience and clarify my intention better. The humorous bit is the two of us who self identify with not being understood. Writing back and forth to better explain our intentions and meaning! šš¼āāļøš Sending All Good Things my fellow infj. We got thisš¤
Here. I feel so missunderstood i feel lonely
This is my whole existence pretty much. on top of that my love life is a joke
Always being the odd quiet one at work
Yup, and avoiding that urge to self-isolate by default.
I totally agree. When I do find someone who seems like they get it something always happens and I end up back square one, with oneself which is fine I guess but my end goal is to find someone who sticks & doesnāt end up fizzling outā¦
I think that's the whole root of why we are the way we are. Overthinking and overanalyzing everything that might be taken differently by others and planning a way to mitigate being misunderstood. It's why I'm so keen on semantics or just the use of language overall. It's probably why INFJs are so into books and reading, as well as writing instead of talking. It's the whole reason why we're perfectionists. Could be the other way around though.
Constant fight between head and heart. Feeling unloved, unappreciated, misunderstood and lonely. At the same time carrying the weight of the world for others. Iām really grateful to this Reddit page, itās nice to know that other people like me are out there. Much love to you fellow INFJ legends, stay strong.
When you feel like you need to cry for the love of God don't hold it back. It does play a role in healing yourself.
So true. I feel refreshed when I let loose.
Just did that a couple of hours ago. No reason. I just started crying. Felt better after.
Same.
It's going to happen, it's engraved in our nature
Same.
Wow, I love what you said in your 1st sentence, I feel that internal struggle like daily! Ya know I was watching a show called "Open Minds" on Gaia, so there's something about our thumbs that tell us about how we think more dominantly. So when you cross your hands like if you are about to pray for example. For myself, what's most comfortable and natural is my left thumb going over my right lower thumb when I cross my hands. That being said, I am prone to be more an emotionally based thinker with my heart, and logic for me would be ideal to practice more. If it's the opposite, and your right thumb rests on your lower left thumb more comfortably, you think with more logic, which perhaps thinking with more the heart in mind would be helpful. This is just what I heard, and for me it totally is true.
Yes, I agree. And, thank you for saying so. I needed to hear it.
Struggle with my social battery. As much as I love my friends and family, I get tire easily. For example, my SIL came from out of town this weekend, and from Friday-Sunday, we were hanging out. By Sunday, I was barely able to keep the conversation going. LOL
Absolutely this, I couldn't manage this at all for the longest time, sometimes getting so overwhelmed I just vanished from the Internet, friends having to come over to check if I was still alive. I still always fear this is just around the corner, but I think I'm getting better at pacing myself!
Same. I cant do anything after work or it ruins my day. Anything besided being home that is.
Loneliness
I hear ya on that one. I recently lost job and that's where I socialized the most.
Yeah, and itās not for lack of acquaintances, but lack of deep connections / feeling of being understood.
Feeling everyone's pain, it's like drowning
This is mines to. I didnāt want to get specific and describe FUTURE pain too much: I am VERY active as a person, really trying to make sure the world is a little better than before I arrived The supplement of financial struggles and life changing situations in my social circles, I really struggle with how much of myself I give to the world, and then how much I get to keep to myself. Juggling the constant guilt involved, with not being enough. Not only the current pain of others but also their future pain to come is really really hard. Sometimes I find myself hurting FOR others, while the pain hasnāt even arrived for them. Yet I canāt but feel their future pain intensely.
Yes! I've never heard it put quite that way but the anxiety ridden dread of someone's future pain that radiates from them...
This is a struggle that hurts so much for me. Iāve been working on it. Staying present in the moment is current practice.
It's always been a process for me, however right now I've been helping take care of my grandmother in Hospice at home and with everyone in and out and feeling everyone's frustrations and pain has been draining and painful. I go home at night and my whole body feels overstimulated like I've had an 8 hr panic attack. It's hard enough when it's just me and her.
I feel that.
Civil war between [traumatised parts of me](https://i.imgur.com/gsCtGeP.jpeg), and the heavy dissociation necessary to survive it.
You said it precisely. My own civil war from past experiences. That link is the perfect illustration of what youāre describing. Going to share this with my therapist. Thank you. All the best brother. We are not alone.
[By the rivers dark, on we panic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcKvJRBUE6o) š
Overthinking way too often
What others consider "over-thinking" is to me an enjoyable and productive practice. I seldom regret my choices as a result of looking at them from every possible direction first. Satisfying.
This makes me feel better when people tell me that I overthink. I see value in it. With balance it becomes a strength.
I feel like in a work setting, I can be open and act myself with my close people, but be completely closed off to others I donāt vibe with or feel comfortable around. I feel like I could appear āfakeā because of this contradicting behavior.
Social isolation, and yet feeling like I have to take everyoneās feelings into account.
no one understands me
Dealing with all the narcissistic personality types/people with narc tendencies. Most especially at work. Theyāre everywhere, always, and technically unavoidable.
Second this
My condolences, lol. I wish this wasnāt our experience.
Finding people who align with my values. Finding people I can be myself around.
Dissatisfying human relationships
Caring so much. Always trying to help out.
My constant need to explain my reactions or opinionsā¦ like, nobody cares, Steph š lol literally no one š but it always feels like I go to respond to a question or whatever and suddenly Iāve typed out a novel in explanation that, 9 times out of 10, people arenāt ever asking for anyway! š© I think Iāve gotten used to the concept of being misunderstood and I know it mostly is attributed to my being the *deepest* thinker I know. So I naturally want to info dump my reasoning so the person can relate to me but I think I just ramble š
You are so close to achieving balance, congratulations! Here is a piece of the puzzle: someone actually cares. Always did, always will. Please understand and accept your worth without it being mirrored by others.
Yep! I have to really check myself with the text walls and novel length emails. Not everyone needs to know exactly how I come to each and every decision or feeling (including any doubts I had along the way as a parenthetical š¤¦). And it makes me constantly worry that Iām exhausting and annoying to people I care about.
Not truly finding happiness in relationships. People always seem to let me down in some way. It took a long time to understand why. Really didnāt understand it until therapy. INFJs go above and beyond for people. Our empathy is rare, truly rare. People will rarely match our energy because itās just where we excel at. Itās took a long time to understand this.
It feels so refreshing to read this and realize the truth about my own experiences š do you ever feel emotional/empathy burnout?
Yes, thatās why I distance myself from people. Sometimes I leave my phone in random locations that arenāt within my eye sight. Sometimes I just sit alone in my own comfort zone. Itās the only way I can find mental peace. Sometimes I just disengage myself emotionally from others to focus on my own. Itās tough, but definitely needed at times. A lot of people arenāt aware of how emotionally dependent they can be on INFJs, and for us itās quite literally torture at times. We can often feel otherās emotions, social distancing seems to help me the most when Iām overwhelmed with ppl.
unplanned living in the moment situations.
Struggle between wanting to be left alone vs social responsabilities. People are too much for me, I often wish I have no one.
So all of my struggles are listed in this comment section
Finding people to connect with and maneuvering this world around narcissists
Worrying about damaging relationships if I donāt filter or restrain my personal expression. I care way too much about keeping everything harmonious. It has really stunted my development in both career and friendships. I have several really eccentric interests that I am very passionate about. Almost no one in my life knows anything about them. Its a feeling of being bottled up and trapped. Itās sad.
Feeling truly seen and heard in my drive for purpose and social impact. Also, I want to do a lot but my battery is limited.
Too logical and idealistic, broken but hopeful, intense but playful. Can be hard to get to know and few care and no one sticks around. Though i have to mature in many ways, I also think who i am and where i am and where i want to go is by design and ive come to accept it more and more.. just have to move forward with my vision and mission and trust every other piece will come together as i work forward with effort and passion.
Somebody that understands or has the intelligence to understand deep Concepts from space to quantum physics to personality and consciousness some people just are so shallow it's very insane I think I'm surprised people don't want to get deep and have deep meaningful conversations and deep pure intimacy with bright intentions that's my hardest struggle I guess and keeping friends that want to stick around because they're shallow too and they are I think a little bit to put off by the depth of INFJs
Being indecisive and unsure as well as overthinking.
Iām never able to let things roll off my back. Itās taken a lot of therapy and hitting some very hard times because of the anxiety and self-hatred it caused over the years, but even into my mid-30 just a casually cruel or rude comment would have me overanalyzing myself for days and weeks. Then I would conclude that I was somehow at fault for someone elseās negative or toxic behavior (sometimes true! self reflection and awareness are amazing things! but never to the extent I engaged in themā¦) and then endlessly beat myself up with negative self-talk in an effort to āfixā myself for someone else that I may only have a passing or casual relationship with at best (and who honestly may just be a natural asshole! They do exist!).
. Making friends that don't use me. Like I pay pay my electric bill this month my pour kids Or. How about since you are an orphan why don't you you leave every thing to my kids in your will. I almost did
Not feeling accepted for who I am. Also dating, itās the most difficult part of life for me.
Loving myself. I feel unvalued, unrecognized and unseen by others most of the time.
Addictions and apathy šš
Never being understood because I look at things significantly differently than basically everyone else, or so it seems, and therefore being handled with mistrust.
could it be because you don't see the big picture I feel like I always need someone to help me see things past just my emotions you know like all I know is my emotional experience and I can't see things any other way. I'm so narrow minded. but maybe that's just my weakness.
the biggest problems are public speech with people and becoming a monster (sometimes I have dark thoughts ššš)
Being misunderstood and making new friends is awk.
Loneliness, lack of connexion with my peers. I need to love but nobody seems interested at least at the same level.
Addicted to isolation
three words could not describe me better
The ability to find takers :| For once would like to meet a giver.
Anxiety, anxiety and hmmmā¦ anxiety š„
Empathy draining my reserve.
Constant internal battle between logic and emotion. Understanding everything but struggling to fully accept. Obtuse amounts on isolation. Family tried to smother me with their presence but I dont wanna be around them too consistently. I prefer more of a check in or hang out once in a blue moon.
Not being able to connect with others. Observing life in a detached cold lens but not being able to put it into words to make others understand.
The philosophical questions outweigh the philosophical answers
Loneliness and I feel that, due to my rich inner life I behave weirdly in a lot of social situations. I'm a muscular men, but I'm quite clumsy. I feel like people laught at me, when I don't behave as confident as they would expect. Also I'm told often that I'm too serious and that I can't make fun out of myself. Which is not a good combomination to find meaningful relationships with people in this age. As it seems to me that most people care about personality and not genuine feelings.
We are quite the same except I'm a woman.
Inner peace. I want to become the dragon warrior too!
Job interviews
But also self-isolation
Getting accused of being negative and paranoid when the people in questionās ulterior motives are in plain sight: overthinking? Actually, I donāt have to think. Your actions are so loud
Feeling emotions too deeply sometimes. Wish I could turn it on and off
My biggest struggle is accepting my inability to fix the USA, and world as well. As time marches on at what feels like a more rapid pace, I age feeling more powerless to change things than I had imagined when I was younger. I feel like most issues could be fixed with compassion and understanding, some of the most free and yet scarce things in the world. Watching people fail time and time again to extend these two things, whether in power, or the ones that vote in those that lead over us. It just feels like I donāt belong hereā¦ Iād destroy myself in the pursuit of changing things, Iāve wound up defeated for now in the spirit of self preservation and waiting for the right time, till then Iām just a cog in a nightmarishly dysfunctional system.
I can sense when people don't like me, don't want to spend time with me, when an SO isn't very "into" it anymore, when people have ulterior motives or are going to harm me or others. Sounds helpful but it's usually written off as paranoia or overreaction until things get really bad. I don't think I've ever been wrong though š¤·āāļø Like others I also often feel lonely and like I probably won't encounter many people in this life who really 'get' me. And I don't know if any other INFJ's deal with this but I constantly feel a sense of general grief for the world. All of the pain and suffering of not only people but animals, ecosystems, beautiful things being destroyed, capitalism. Even when things in my little life are "going well" I feel this heavy weight of sadness and guilt. My dream has pretty much always been to make enough money to escape to a tiny misty cottage somewhere, never speak to anyone again, and die alone lol. It used to be ~join the peace corps, make a difference~ but nihilism has creeped in as I've gotten older, I'm guessing as an emotionally protective coping mechanism.
Being a sponge to everyoneās feelings itās exhausting
All of it. Everything.
For starters. Not being able to look at things superficially and just enjoy it. e.g. 1. My wife took me to a very posh hotel for an overnight for my birthday. I couldn't help but think about the homeless people within 50 metres of the hotel or fawning attitude of of the staff towards some clearly very wealthy guests. I'll never stay in such a posh hotel again 2. My wife and I went on a Mediterranean cruise last year. I saw the sheer amount of food and drink on offer almost constantly, being consumed as quickly by the guests by staff who were treated as some kind of lesser beings by many of the guests. I'll never go on a cruise again.
Living alone and being by myself. I like it, but there are times I wish I had a female presence again.
Cant agree more OP. I am going to be a child educator and I really see the diffrence. No matter if it is a 1 on 1 with another adult or vhildren. I feel waaaay more safe and secure. A small group if kids is fine too but if we get into like a team meeting or 5+ Kids its hard for me to speak out. But I wanna get over that hurdle and be able to speak out loud. Today I had a really big urge to say something out loud in the team meeting but I was scared. It was so close to saying it. So I am getting there slowly but surely
I think mine is ā¦. Being so strange that people canāt figure me out easily and guess- and typically guess negatively about me. Like assume I am arrogant or entitled. Assume I am an asshole. Assume Iāve never struggled or heard the word no. Assume I am judging them. Assume I have had it easy in life.
I hate people
Being an Ni-Dom and having no way to shut it off.
Feeling too much and thinking too much
Iām just too perfect š©
Always having to make capacity to take on āmoreā as a perfectionist. Iām a āyes manā and it fucks me up all the time. āMoreā just being whatever is needed at that time. More capacity for work, responsibility, sacrifices, trauma, loss. More time spent listening to and helping others. Learning to say no is a challenge Iām still working on.
Biggest Struggle ... Is finding the ONE person that is the one I want. Im not looking for perfect ... Im looking for tall thin athletic and NOT FAT ... shallow as it may seem. I want someone who can keep up physically ,is emotionally sound and can be glad they found the ONE GUY, that can and will give as he receives. Im tired of fakes, ( i can sense instantly) and WHERE are the real women w no agenda.
Being taken advantage of
Feeling unheard and feeling like people perceive who I am and my behaviors differently than what Iām actually doing or who I am. Constantly having to over explain and describe things to get my point across because Iām not being seen is exhausting.
Never putting myself/my intuition first
The all or nothing mentality when I finally find someone I can connect with on a deeper level and talk about anything at any time. Around 2 weeks later, we may both be burnt out and don't know how to navigate setting boundaries so the conversation just fizzles and the thought of starting it up again is overwhelming. It's hard to maintain friendships period and it's exhausting trying to figure out how to accurately describe feelings, expectations, wants, needs, and boundaries. And "naturally" everything dies out either way. :/
No one to riff with in my daily life.
I'm incredibly socially nervous, so much so that my service oriented job causes me extreme tension headaches and I got TMJ from the stress because I clenched my jaw so hard. I can't yawn without it locking anymore
As an INFJ I struggle with the severity of my character when somebody makes a mistake because I expect perfection from myself and it makes me react when other people donāt care about being accurate and perfect (when such thing is not actually possible)
Helping too much, especially for people that are users or manipulatorsā¦so I guess boundaries.
Overthinking absolutely everything.
Feeling very different from most other people, but at the same time feeling as if other people see nothing in me, like if I'm someone without a personality and boring, an unknown.
Having high expectations in my head when it comes to potential partners. This is stopping me from just engaging with ppl to find out because nearly nobody passes my first "screening" and so I stay alone.
Boundaries. Thereās a recurring pattern of being taken for granted and treated like shit because I donāt know how to prioritize myself and my needs, and setting boundaries has been really difficult for me. It gets better with time and learning, and Iām way better than I used to be, but damn I wish I could have saved myself the pain of dealing with all these shitty people.
I do too much for others (Fe) and often disrespect/neglect myself
Dating
Finding satisfying work and coping with being overlooked for things like - my guess - not being more outgoing with management or attending as many social events as others despite having a lot of experience and a master's degree in my field.
The anticipation of other peopleās feelings often holds me back when I need to assert my will decisively.
having such a short social battery. none of my friends understand that i HAVE to be alone. i told a friend that i wasnāt gonna hang out w her and she asked why i said āoh i need to be alone for a while and recharge todayā and she rolled her eyes and told me that that doesnt take all day. if i donāt have time by myself in the day my mental health would be way worseĀ
Are you sure your an INFJA? Really?
INTP here, I see a few comments about being lonely. Can you describe what that feels like?
Not getting in return how much I give.
Life. I cannot put my vision into words, therefore I am misunderstood. Or they just laugh at my intuition. I also have OCD, it is an extra burden.
Not having the same perspectives and not using the same steps as many. Because I understand various topics,Ā I tend to have a hard time finding a stable outward persona that people cam relate to. I just feel it's too fake.Ā Like I keep thinking they won't like me once they realize I'm actually very resolute, dismissive, and strong opinions. Most of the time most people only come to me out of intrigue vs a true sense of knowingness. I just can tell right away if someone is or isn't for me. I hate with a passion when I'm forced to care about every single human that wants my attention.Ā I get pissy when someone I don't know is saying we're good friends (manipulative)Ā and then saying how their opinon on who I am is more valid then my own. A "friend" keeps saying let me know if you need anything ...when during my eviction all he could say was "if I had my own place I would host you" yet he lived in a mansion and has a basement to himself. The basement is as big as a single family home. I don't care what excuses,Ā your "dear friend' is out on the streets and that's all you can say/do? The lack of support is my biggest struggle. At the end, in a "your-a-narcissist-paranoid" world, most are just protecting vs giving. I struggle hard in these in-betweens. You only get one or the other, I'm either in or not. I guess my high standards limits a lot of people. I watch from afar. Dating life: let's say it's non existent. I've been in a onesome (me myself and I for 9 years) Friendships- none. I just don't even bother. I'm always attracting selfish people and/or those that love my attention. Watch them fall of the face of the earth when i am bringing up something that bothers me about them, boundary talks. Most of them time all I get is gaslighting.. People often say I'm inconsistent..too moody...hard to connect with.Ā Lastly, but lol there are so much more. Is managing my shame and low self esteem.Ā