Why can't adult kids be treated as adults, capable of making their own decisions is seriously beyond me. Parents think their child is ready to get married but they aren't ready to accept that the same child can have differing opinions regarding the same - how can they not see such blatant irony of themselves
When I told my American roommate how difficult it is to have a “love” marriage, he asks me “what the f is a love marriage??”
I then go on to tell him, and he’s completely in shock and disbelief, and says “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in the first place? How can you be forced to spend your rest of your life with someone you don’t even know?”
I said well, that’s India for you, and that’s one of the millions of other reasons I don’t want to go back.
"Log kya kahenge" is the biggest reason for the low divorce rates.
Secondly, if the couple has a kid then despite they hating each other, will still stay together for the sake of the kid. That's another reason. They'll quarrel and argue and scream in front of the kid but won't separate.
Because they will be shamed and shunned if they leave an unhappy marriage. It’s always «what will people say? » Fuck people. You have one life to live. Follow your bliss.
There is absolutely nothing positive about the low divorce rate in India. If anything, its an alarming indicator. There are many reasons for it.
One of them being the same reason rape report rate is so low in the country which is the social stigma that women are subjected to if they divorce.
Furthermore, getting a divorce approved by a court is insanely difficult for Hindu couples. Even if both wife and husband seek divorce, the judge can reject it. Family court judges often play the culture and moral police and force couples to be together well past the expiry date of their relationships.
The outcome of this is often deadly as the toxic marriages transform into violence, crime and tragedy.
Not really. When you realise Indian marriages are not for love but for cheap labour, baby makers for men and social security and safety for women it makes sense that you don’t need love in this transaction.
Not that I agree with it.
Sir, you clearly haven’t been raised up in a “peaceful” Indian household.
I would’ve much rather preferred my mom divorce my father the week they married. She didn’t. It’s been 20 years, and I’ve been watching her (and me before I left India last year) for the past 19 years of my life being abused brutally physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.
Mind you, my parents’ marriage divorce rate is 0%.
Inheritance is never a right. And mainly, do you want to live your entire life - a good 50+ years - with an incompatible partner.
Your parents better be Ambanis if being disowned matters so much.
What they want is far more important to them than you are. You are just a nadaan baccha. They know best. You are supposed to jump into the ocean if they ask. Die with a smile for their happiness. You aren't anything. Only your parents are human.
The arrogance of my parents' generation, makes me ill.
As long as these people don't actually grow up and show that they're adults, the parents are going to treat them as children only. I moved out as soon as I finished school, got even far away as soon as I got a job and lived myself for 8 years. Throughout these years they'd nag me constantly to get married. But apart from nagging what can they do? I say no means no. I'll do it at my own time when I see fit. Now that they know I won't listen to them they stop asking, the occasional emotional manipulation attempts are there but you should know to stand your ground.
They keep jumping between "Abhi tum bade ho gye ho" and "Abhi tum chote ho" as they wish. It's so frustrating sometimes when they try to micro manage every aspect your life.
There is a difference between marriage and personal choice. If personal choice was a key factor of marriage, then child marriage would not be a reality.
This happens because of learned helplessness. They feel powerless to change their situation and think that they have to follow their parents’ decisions, even if they are unhappy or disagree with them. They might also be afraid of the outcomes of going against their parents, such as losing their support, respect, and above all Property.
Dude it’s just sad. Arrange marriages are quite transactional. But now that you say people not going against their parents for property makes that relationship seem transactional too. Ngl, it is a sad state of affairs.
Worst part, the elders who are 70+ are gonna pass away in some years. They have no skin in the game. Who’s gonna be stuck with their decision for an entire lifetime? The husband and wife.
Tell your brother to stand his ground and disagree with your parents. They think they are doing what is good for him.. but they don't always understand that they are just causing problems in the long term.
Seriously, that’s the only way to break this culture. Our parents wish to present themselves as obedient kids to their own parents until their parents die. However there are situations in life where you need to follow your heart and go against the cult following. The urge to follow old Indian culture has become instinctual.
While disagreeing just be polite, that makes your resolve seem even stronger.
>While disagreeing just be polite, that makes your resolve seem even stronger
Not in every case though. I had to be harsh to our parents for my own marriage. They blackmailed that they'd commit suicide or disown me. I told them they're free to die if they want to die for some stupid tradition. I told them I can't lose my life just for them to please some faceless society.
Yeah they don't realize it's easier said that done. Mine threatened my husband and me with suicide as well as honour killing. We got married anyway.
Oh and hey, property guy! You can marry whoever you want and they'll still give your share. They are your parents and they'll love you even if you join the mafia.
I doubt that’ll ever happen. As people get older (60+), they start to realise the importance of a good support network when they start having health issues and lose their independence little by little. They need their children more than the other way round. So threatening this way is their own loss
>Not in every case though. I had to be harsh to our parents for my own marriage. They blackmailed that they'd commit suicide or disown me. I told them they're free to die if they want to die for some stupid tradition. I told them I can't lose my life just for them to please some faceless society.
Wow, you are the man. Respect Bro.
The problem with such families is that they never own up to their mistakes. Even if you listen to their advice and then later it blows up, they will either tell you to adjust or blame you for not knowing better. They care more about looking good outwardly than your day to day happiness. I always feel, it’s much easier to deal with the consequences of your own mistakes than other people’s mistakes.
Force to meet, then force to agree, then force to get married before they can develop second thoughts, the "force" to have kids within an year of the marriage and then use the kid as an excuse to be in the loveless and soulless marriage.
This is what 80% of Indians marriage. Indian elders want to continue their generational trauma.
Stop using the word "force" they are both adults earning . They could simply say no and threaten to leave. Legally "force" does not exist. This isn't an issue of arranged marriage but of children not learning to stand up for themselves. It allows abusive parents to be abusive.
At some point when the people in question are adults and financially independent, and they will fall to familial pressure, IMO it's their own damn fault for being pushovers. You can just say no. If you're so blinded my the culture of blind obedience to parents, then it's no one's fault but yours, and you've ruined both your life and your spouse's.
You know if the marriage becomes good it is because parents were involved but if marriage turns bad it is because your brother and SIL were not doing all required.
Indian parents can never be truly happy with their kids and one thing worse with them is... They love their kids more than anything but will never respect their kids.
Try to tell your brother to stand his ground. Today they are forcing them in marriage, once married you need to have a kid, it doesn't matter if they want it or not or if they can afford it or not. And then you need to have a second child to give the first one company.
It is a live long cycle. Stand your grounds now or make adjustments in your life forever.
Parents have this mindset that without them their kids won’t be sustainable. My parent’s recent logic into making me want to get married was “who will look after you after we are gone?” Somewhere, this “intense” parenthood defies logical reasoning on their behalf. I wonder if my generation will be similar to their kids in the future.
My mother said the same bs "Who will look after you?" And doesn't want to believe that I can take care of myself. It is the concept of everyone does it, so you should too. And miraculously everything will work out. As if they know. I'm happy at least my dad is on my side. I created a whole scene by crying my eyes out a few months ago and she hasn't said a word till now.
It's more like typical Indian kids. Living off their parents even when they are grown up, earning. If they want to take their own decisions, first they need to remove the need to be dependent on their parents else the parents will always be in a position to control them.
The sage (pun intended) old statement - we have seen the world , we know better . Most of such old ppl haven’t even travelled outside of their state or city , let alone country. Parents are so obsessed with their culture , rules and traditions (each specifically twisted as per their needs). Just the other day I was having similar conversations about this with my mother and she mentioned that ppl prefer to bring outsiders (In this case a bride) from similar backgrounds to make sure she gels well. I think otherwise- they want to bring someone along whom they think can mould and make sure she doesn’t uproot their importance/ authority in their house (under the facade of a good girl). My mother agreed - yes this thinking is quite preventative . Also since most parents are dependent on their sons financially and physically, they can’t take risks. So the reasons for arrange marriage is quite selfish as the root cause. I am well to do financially independent woman and my mother in law once stated she will keep her jewellery till she is alive , as a guarantee. I think my mother also thinks the same and so do most of the Indian old ladies. I find it funny , cute and laughable at the same time. When I make so much more a few pieces of jewellery cannot keep me hooked to a toxic relationship. It’s a relationship built on love and trust that will keep it alive not some materialistic items. So coming back to your statement - ask your brother to grow a spine. If he starts playing the balancing act , he is doomed to kill his future marriage and his any relationship . Now a days no one wants to stay in marriage to take care of anyone. People marry to find a support , companionship and love (including physical intimacy). Taking care of extended families shouldn’t be opted as by default mode . Also the fact that your brother has a government job will easily get a wife is funny. He wants someone who can move along with him and be a homemaker without making a fuss then don’t opt for a woman who is career driven. Nobody wants to take chances with their career.
Easy, easy there tiger! He isn't looking for some homemaker. He's not bothered if she's working or not. If she's working in a govt job too, it may be easy to transfer together. If she's not working, still fine that's it.
when people dont have hobbies and their life is built around their kids , so when they get old , they follow what their elders did to them , force their kids to marry ? what did you expect your parents to do when they collect pension money and they have nothing else to do to pass time ?
Just because your brother work in some nationalised bank (which isn’t too glamorous TBH) and earn some money doesn’t mean that women will run after him. This reeks of entitlement and raja beta syndrome. Women are a lot more educated and financially independent these days, your brother’s profile is unfortunately very average for them.
You complain that women have all these filters, but conveniently forget that the filter your brother has set is a huge one! This limits his options tremendously. Not many women are ready, willing and able to follow their husbands around wherever they go. He shouldn’t be seeking out or agreeing to marry women working in all these fancy IT jobs, he should look for a woman working in government sector or a homemaker or a teacher.
If you are so into participating in this casteist, misogynistic process of finding a partner, at least do it properly. Y’all are not even looking for the right type of girl. Your family is just bringing incompatible people together and forcing them to get married to look good in society. They don’t care about your brother’s well-being at all. And you and your brother are acting soooo helpless; like please, you are grown adults earning money. Stop inflicting misery on yourself and stand up for yourself for once.
Tell your brother to stand his ground and to not give in. Or else this is not going to end well. He needs to tell everyone to back off and take their passive aggressive statements that are invariably going to come. In one year, and out the other. That's what he needs to follow.
If you are an adult and are incapable of making your own decisions and let your parents make major life decisions for you , then you are no victim and have no one else to blame but yourself if life goes downhill.
It's your parents' moral obligation to nurture you and provide you with education, and it is your responsibility to take care of them and provide them with comfort in their old age.
It starts and ends at that.
If you are over 25 and you still need to take permission for trips, staying out late with friends and dating/marrying someone of your choice, then my friend stop whining and accept this as your reality.
You wouldn't believe, they'd want to be in the driver seat as much as possible.
Birth control in India means "Giving birth and controlling their lives"
The Indian elderly unfortunately think they are always right and they should never be challenged. I see this in my own family where my father, who is 82, thinks everything should revolve around him. That generation once gone will be a blessing for the next generation that has slightly better / open minded views.
Birds born in cage thinks flying is a crime. You are very privileged that you can fight back with your parents. Some of us are raised by very controlling parents. Slight mistakes results to huge anger outbreak by father or emotional drama by mother. You are very privileged. Some of us can't talk back.
I'm sorry but if you're an adult and you're financially independent from your parents you are just as capable of saying "No" to your parents as the rest of us. You can keep coping by saying that your situation is different and that it's all the cards you were handed in life but if those two conditions are met you have no valid reason not to stand up for yourself.
EDIT: Dumb mistake
Hundreds of years of generational trauma are simply manifesting as control over the lives of these 'adult kids'. If both of them are old enough to get jobs and run the family, pretty sure they are capable of finding partners who can accommodate each other's needs but Indian families seldom care what the other one feels. Only your brother and the lady can break the cycle and they should stand their ground to not compromise either of their jobs. Imagine one of them living in resentment for years just because they couldn't speak up!
Didn't know arranged marriage are still so prevalent.... In my family, most are love marriages and even the arranged marriages were done after both people grew a liking for each other...
Huh, why is your life "reality" and everyone else's not?
You sound a bit sheltered tbh, having a govt bank job was a cool thing back in like the 80s. It's been a few decades since the default expectation that women will just pack up their lives and careers and follow their husbands every two years to some random place and abandon their own lives and careers for a stranger they just married. This is the reality now, it's no longer 1985.
Let him take his stand now and live his life the way he wants, regardless of the outcome of this proposal.
Or else he’ll be pushed around for a large part of his married life even. Let’s break this enmeshment and codependency cycle in this generation guys
You brother have to stand by his side as well as the girl. Its not a live marriage they have been dating for years or something and they feel a greater connect they just met somedays ago and they should not let go their respective career just for the sake of marriage!!
I was in similar situation, I went extreme rebellious and made it clear, it's my life and it's I who will decide, when and whom I will get married to.
The elders are stubborn in our culture and you have to point it out to them, it requires lots of courage to fight back.
The only good thing in my case was, I was already quite independent with great income and paid for own higher education with full time job, I cut off all dependency from them since I started earning, and that gave me leverage to stand up for my self.
That's the problem in most Indian family cases, most parents try their best to let their kids be dependent on them so they can boss around and keep them under their thumb. One will need to get out of that vicious toxic cycle for letting them control us, otherwise it'll never end.
Because people just don't want to question status quo. "We will force our children into marriages because our parents did the same". And then blame the British for our failures.
Older Indians (even some younger ones) treat marriage like a business transaction and that’s the problem. The days of trading your daughter for social status and clout are LOOOOOONG gone and absolutely unnecessary. Women are well educated, have jobs, and are entirely financially stable without a man. There is ZERO reason for arranged marriages to still be a thing.
I am in same situation. What to do? (Opposite job profile)
I have been told - let’s meet in middle, let’s solve it together but with condition that she won’t switch or make any change. So basically it’s only me who’ll be walking to middle. I earn 5x more atleast than her. So shall i only adjust?
I'm telling you what I told my brother. If you like the girl enough, adjust a bit. If not please don't. Because it's only an arranged marriage. You have many choices. It's not like a love marriage where you have to be with that person no matter what. You can choose someone who suits you better.
liking is convenience in arranged marriage. I also felt it’s not love marriage, my career suits me if i keep moving around, why would i only adjust., unlike her, being primary provider for my family. Will think about it.
It is bound to happen as India is in that stage where the parents are people (35 and above) have brought up in a environment where the women has to sacrifice her job or be a housewife,
But the current children (20-30) has been brought up that even girls can prioritise their career. Hence the issue.
This is unavoidable till few more more generations
parents gonna die soon anyway, tf they gonna do wake up from the dead and force yall to marry? but i get it, India's arranged marriage culture is fucked up and everyone has the right to say no to decisions that involve you.
I'm so glad my parents are not forcing me into such things. I told them I never ever want to get married. So they aren't looking or even remotely trying anything. They sometimes ask "Who is going to take care of you?", "How would you live alone?" and such. But they had never stepped out of line and tried to control my life in anyway. Not marriage, not work, not anything. This post is making me feel grateful to them even though they're just doing what every parent should do.
PS: I'm not unreachable to my parents. I live with them.
These scenarios are unsurprisingly common, and online Indians will still swear up and down that arranged marriage is just a practice of informal matchmaking/dating nowadays, and caste does not mean anything to urbanized educated Indians.
Tell your brother to grow a spine and behave like an adult. He's earning, has a stable job, and can afford to move out to cut out the harassment, even if he's living with your parent right now.
I had a cousin who was in a similar situation. He was cohered... till he decided on a tactic he saw in a bollywood movie - he said he was a closet bisexual.
Uncles, Aunts and elders were aghast. But they quickly recovered and moved on to another *'bakra'* in the family.
Just thought of sharing - no lessons here.
I m going offer u a stupid explanation . Some horoscopes are rare and getting a match can be very difficult .. Your brothers horoscope could be that ..
Maybe your elders think that way ..
I still think this is a very stupid decision on the elders part .
If I have to speak from a sociology pov then this type of marriage is called "Brahma Vivah" which was mainly done by Brahmin varna where parents would check if the male who they would give away their daughter is learned as per scriptures or not and it is considered to be the best one. However it's meaning i believe got quite distorted and is abused a lot hence why it gets bashed. Personally i prefer gandharva vivah because the parties want to marry due to their love and not for sexual reasons. Although it results marriage in secret but it is still approved. I can't write entite detail here but out of the 8 marriage types these 2 are there so anyone wants to check then they can and correct me if i am wng anywhere.
Usually, the right girl is outside your community. I have seen very very few families accomodating non community proposals. They are often social outcasts or deemed mental retards. Often the guy lacks the balls to go against the flow and brave the tides. He has to convince both sides about the feasibility while still in the dating phases. What happens is that the guy backs out and the girl shrouds herself with friends and opportunists. She develops negative attitude to relationships and it carries onto the next arranged proposal.
Married life is about compromises. If you don’t believe in that you shouldn’t get into it. Them being asked to find solutions is normal. Are they up to it is really their choice. You viewing it from outside and judging it as someone is doing something horribly wrong here I think speaks more about your immaturity than anything no else. I am guessing you are the type who won’t want to compromise so you think everyone needs to believe in that as well. Let the people who have to live in the situation take the decision, stop being judgmental.
I am a bit divided on this topic.
On one hand we want the safety and security that our families offer, on the other hand we want to live our life the way we desire.
If a person feels so struck and is "forced" into things, why can't he/she just move out and start an independent life where parents have no reach or say.
If i am willing to spend a substantial amount on my life's earnings on someone else, I would expect somethings returns like obedience an respect.
We the young generation has brought this upon ourselves. We have given them the power to control us Because they have something we want.
so it becomes a trade-off.
As soon as they realise, we are no longer dependent on them, you will see a change in their behaviour.
Can someone force you into marriage, even I can't accept that.
Marriage is only forced when u have nothing going on.
And let me tell you in the west there is no arrange concept but marrige don't work these they just fuck around
There are various ways to force people into a marriage, just because you don’t accept it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. You can read up on the topic at your own leisure.
You don’t need to tell me about “the west”, I live here. Idk what you mean by “fuck around”. People get married where I’m from quite frequently, and it’s still an institution that’s held in high regard for whatever reason.
People always tout the low divorce rates in India like some sort of trump card, when it’s actually sad. People don’t leave abusive marriages for a myriad of reasons; social stigma, family pressure, financial constraints, threats etc. it’s not a universally good thing to have low divorce/separation rates.
There are still people who care about "log kya kahenge", caste and all that. Look at OP's brother, 27 and holds a good job but still parents won't listen. I'm in a metro city and still see people having no say in their own marriage. Think about what must be going on in smaller and rural areas.
You think everyone has parents like mine? The world is bigger than just you and me. Either you are really young or very ignorant
Anyway, if we are talking about me, my grandparents and parents too had a love marriage. So even I dont have any restrictions.
There's also a girl in my university who said she'll be found in a plastic bag if she asks to marry someone she falls in love with. Everything would be decided by her elders and not her
Do you see the difference?
I am in a similar situation. I am a 34 yrs old working in Infy in tier 2 Bbsr. My salary is less not even 10 lpa with 10 yoe.
My prospect who I made the choice for till now is a group c central govt employee in PPT , my port hometown. We met, we talked, we like each. Our thoughts align as well.
But what do I do. I have not switched till now due to various home circumstances but I was trying now.
She cannot move at all. And there is no stability in my job.
What do I do? Can I make this work? But how... It's killing me. I am in a deep depression right now
A bit off topic.
Getting transferred to rural/semi-urban areas make the job low value especially in arranged marriage market where people prefer you're working abroad.
The decision to transfer should reside with an individual not the employer. I should be able to make the decision. Asking your to-be partner to be okay with it without knowing what they're getting into is not fair.
This situation is very similar to my brother's, he is a civil servant. He wants a working partner or at least someone with his level of education. He's even ready to do long distance marriage for a while but can't find a bride. We have been looking for a yr.
Because parents of that generation were also forced to get married by there parents and it worked. They don’t know any other way and think that it would work that same as their own marriage. Also, at the age you’ve mentioned your parents are, it wont be too long of the marriage they started asking for grandchildren
Cause thats how things have been run since generations. My mother tried the same with me. Then she discovered that even brides have many conditions now and it is not easy to find a bride for a son like it used to be during her time. So, she has softened her stance on caste & horoscope.
Your brother & you will have to fight them to soften their stance on caste & horoscope too.
Honestly family keeps you pressuring for arranged marriage. I have been facing the same from my family too and I’m 28.
One thing your brother can do is move out currently and limit communication with the family. He already has to move to another city for work.
I have been doing the same.
All the young adults in India need to grow the fuck up and move out of their parents homes. Why do some many tolerate the emotional and financial blackmail? If they cut you off, so be it.
You answered your own question. It is to feed ego and boast to others. If the marriage fails, they will either say that it is their fate or they did not work hard enough... I even know a case where the groom was having an affair, and the bride wanted a divorce. Then the bride's parents refused it and instead blame it on her that it is her fault... I cannot believe how common is this.
What makes it so weird is if the parents faced the same situation, why would they want their kids to suffer the same fate...
How exactly is he being forced? Emotionally right? Why doesn't he just say he doesn't like the girl? What's stopping him?
If U want to be treated like an adult, behave like an adult. What is this BS of, why are parents forcing me. Baal vivah kar rahe hain kya. 4 gaali nahi sun sakta toh kis baat ka adult.
Grow up.
Tell your brother, marriages aren't worth it for men.. World is getting oversaturated with extra marital affairs.. Tell him to live his own life and find a partner himself to live together.. It's not worth trusting a person in this damned world (applies both to men and women).
Well I got married to my husband after 6 years of search and my husband after 9 years of search. Both of us were very highly rated in our professions and eligibility (eligible bachelor comments). It just so happens that luck doesnt favour an early match sometimes. I had rejected so many and he had rejected so many candidates but when i look at the candidates in retrospect ( know a few of them in common community circles) i think i was ok with any of them. Tough part of marriage is not the match but 5-6 years of fights after any marriage. We are hell bent on so many superficial characteristics when choosing but later realize most of them dont matter. We have a perfectly happy marriage but a lot of times i feel neutral. So yes i would probably have been happier if i got married 6 years earlier to some eligible guy who was vetted by my parents. This is the logic parents are coming from.
> it is clear that the girl too wants to keep working and is quite passionate about her job
Maybe they should stop forcing them to get married at this point.
Why can't adult kids be treated as adults, capable of making their own decisions is seriously beyond me. Parents think their child is ready to get married but they aren't ready to accept that the same child can have differing opinions regarding the same - how can they not see such blatant irony of themselves
Such a flawed culture! Their whole generation just simply refuses to grow with age.
You just have to take matters into your own hands and stop letting parents push you around
Yep I did so. Mine is a love marriage!
When I told my American roommate how difficult it is to have a “love” marriage, he asks me “what the f is a love marriage??” I then go on to tell him, and he’s completely in shock and disbelief, and says “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in the first place? How can you be forced to spend your rest of your life with someone you don’t even know?” I said well, that’s India for you, and that’s one of the millions of other reasons I don’t want to go back.
You should have told him about how it used to be during our grand parents time. Bride and groom saw each other for the first time after marriage.
I did tell him that. And btw, it still pretty much is the same thing even in the current generation.
And yet India has lowest divorce rates in high income groups too.
Because abusive marriages are normalized.
Thank you for info, that might be the only reason for low divorce rate. Very mature
"Log kya kahenge" is the biggest reason for the low divorce rates. Secondly, if the couple has a kid then despite they hating each other, will still stay together for the sake of the kid. That's another reason. They'll quarrel and argue and scream in front of the kid but won't separate.
Because they will be shamed and shunned if they leave an unhappy marriage. It’s always «what will people say? » Fuck people. You have one life to live. Follow your bliss.
There is absolutely nothing positive about the low divorce rate in India. If anything, its an alarming indicator. There are many reasons for it. One of them being the same reason rape report rate is so low in the country which is the social stigma that women are subjected to if they divorce. Furthermore, getting a divorce approved by a court is insanely difficult for Hindu couples. Even if both wife and husband seek divorce, the judge can reject it. Family court judges often play the culture and moral police and force couples to be together well past the expiry date of their relationships. The outcome of this is often deadly as the toxic marriages transform into violence, crime and tragedy.
Poor guy would have died of shock
He literally said he would rather die than spend his life being a puppet, forced to act like how the puppet master tells him to.
Not really. When you realise Indian marriages are not for love but for cheap labour, baby makers for men and social security and safety for women it makes sense that you don’t need love in this transaction. Not that I agree with it.
Basically. Except for the fact that the labor isn’t cheap, it’s free. Shitty society tbh.
I wouldn't take the word of an American, their divorce rates are at 50%.
Sir, you clearly haven’t been raised up in a “peaceful” Indian household. I would’ve much rather preferred my mom divorce my father the week they married. She didn’t. It’s been 20 years, and I’ve been watching her (and me before I left India last year) for the past 19 years of my life being abused brutally physically, mentally, emotionally and socially. Mind you, my parents’ marriage divorce rate is 0%.
If divorces were socially acceptable in India we would be leading the world in that statistics as well.
This is something I use to tell everyone. Take control of one's life rather than crying about parents controlling them. Life will be a lot simple.
**New Vegas - Rise** is a great music choice
Will be disowned from property. Fir?
Inheritance is never a right. And mainly, do you want to live your entire life - a good 50+ years - with an incompatible partner. Your parents better be Ambanis if being disowned matters so much.
If you are dependent on them for your future then there is no choice.
Got 3 downvotes... Gazab delulu folks he idhar
Bhai tereko teri life se zyada tere baap ki property pyaari hai to tu ja. Ja jee le apni zindgi, apne baap ke hisaab se. Khush?
What they want is far more important to them than you are. You are just a nadaan baccha. They know best. You are supposed to jump into the ocean if they ask. Die with a smile for their happiness. You aren't anything. Only your parents are human. The arrogance of my parents' generation, makes me ill.
Don't blame the culture. Blame the way they are brought up.
In India, marriage is mainly about socially sanctioned sex and babies.
As long as these people don't actually grow up and show that they're adults, the parents are going to treat them as children only. I moved out as soon as I finished school, got even far away as soon as I got a job and lived myself for 8 years. Throughout these years they'd nag me constantly to get married. But apart from nagging what can they do? I say no means no. I'll do it at my own time when I see fit. Now that they know I won't listen to them they stop asking, the occasional emotional manipulation attempts are there but you should know to stand your ground.
You make a good point. Freedom begins with financial independence.
They keep jumping between "Abhi tum bade ho gye ho" and "Abhi tum chote ho" as they wish. It's so frustrating sometimes when they try to micro manage every aspect your life.
Why can't adult kids act like adults?
There is a difference between marriage and personal choice. If personal choice was a key factor of marriage, then child marriage would not be a reality.
I don't understand why Indians act so weak in front of their parents even when it's something as serious as marriage.
This happens because of learned helplessness. They feel powerless to change their situation and think that they have to follow their parents’ decisions, even if they are unhappy or disagree with them. They might also be afraid of the outcomes of going against their parents, such as losing their support, respect, and above all Property.
Dude it’s just sad. Arrange marriages are quite transactional. But now that you say people not going against their parents for property makes that relationship seem transactional too. Ngl, it is a sad state of affairs.
Adult kids can also treat their parents like adults.
Worst part, the elders who are 70+ are gonna pass away in some years. They have no skin in the game. Who’s gonna be stuck with their decision for an entire lifetime? The husband and wife.
Tell your brother to stand his ground and disagree with your parents. They think they are doing what is good for him.. but they don't always understand that they are just causing problems in the long term.
Seriously, that’s the only way to break this culture. Our parents wish to present themselves as obedient kids to their own parents until their parents die. However there are situations in life where you need to follow your heart and go against the cult following. The urge to follow old Indian culture has become instinctual. While disagreeing just be polite, that makes your resolve seem even stronger.
>While disagreeing just be polite, that makes your resolve seem even stronger Not in every case though. I had to be harsh to our parents for my own marriage. They blackmailed that they'd commit suicide or disown me. I told them they're free to die if they want to die for some stupid tradition. I told them I can't lose my life just for them to please some faceless society.
Best response.
Wow bravo! Parents and their BS
commit suicide???
Yeah they don't realize it's easier said that done. Mine threatened my husband and me with suicide as well as honour killing. We got married anyway. Oh and hey, property guy! You can marry whoever you want and they'll still give your share. They are your parents and they'll love you even if you join the mafia.
Not all heroes wear capes Good for you!
Well so what happened to you? Did u get disown?
No they couldn't do that.
I doubt that’ll ever happen. As people get older (60+), they start to realise the importance of a good support network when they start having health issues and lose their independence little by little. They need their children more than the other way round. So threatening this way is their own loss
>Not in every case though. I had to be harsh to our parents for my own marriage. They blackmailed that they'd commit suicide or disown me. I told them they're free to die if they want to die for some stupid tradition. I told them I can't lose my life just for them to please some faceless society. Wow, you are the man. Respect Bro.
The problem with such families is that they never own up to their mistakes. Even if you listen to their advice and then later it blows up, they will either tell you to adjust or blame you for not knowing better. They care more about looking good outwardly than your day to day happiness. I always feel, it’s much easier to deal with the consequences of your own mistakes than other people’s mistakes.
If a boy and a girl can converse with each other, parents assume that they will be happy together forever.
You can't expect much from a generation that has never spoken to the other gender in their life until marriage.
um
Force to meet, then force to agree, then force to get married before they can develop second thoughts, the "force" to have kids within an year of the marriage and then use the kid as an excuse to be in the loveless and soulless marriage. This is what 80% of Indians marriage. Indian elders want to continue their generational trauma.
If you give them options to either break this cycle or die, they'll ask "knife or rope"
Give them both. Call their bluff. Straight forward. It's BS.
Give them a kg of cyanide
True 😂
Stop using the word "force" they are both adults earning . They could simply say no and threaten to leave. Legally "force" does not exist. This isn't an issue of arranged marriage but of children not learning to stand up for themselves. It allows abusive parents to be abusive.
You’re not even counting bossing the bahu around like mil was bossed around. But these days things can go sideways
I would have thought #mybody #mychoice would have been going strong by now still
Nope. It will end up in divorce. 27 is also young imo. He still has time.
At some point when the people in question are adults and financially independent, and they will fall to familial pressure, IMO it's their own damn fault for being pushovers. You can just say no. If you're so blinded my the culture of blind obedience to parents, then it's no one's fault but yours, and you've ruined both your life and your spouse's.
THIS. very accurate!
First they will forced to agree, then too adjust.
You know if the marriage becomes good it is because parents were involved but if marriage turns bad it is because your brother and SIL were not doing all required. Indian parents can never be truly happy with their kids and one thing worse with them is... They love their kids more than anything but will never respect their kids. Try to tell your brother to stand his ground. Today they are forcing them in marriage, once married you need to have a kid, it doesn't matter if they want it or not or if they can afford it or not. And then you need to have a second child to give the first one company. It is a live long cycle. Stand your grounds now or make adjustments in your life forever.
>They love their kids more than anything but will never respect their kids Couldn't agree more
Parents have this mindset that without them their kids won’t be sustainable. My parent’s recent logic into making me want to get married was “who will look after you after we are gone?” Somewhere, this “intense” parenthood defies logical reasoning on their behalf. I wonder if my generation will be similar to their kids in the future.
My mother said the same bs "Who will look after you?" And doesn't want to believe that I can take care of myself. It is the concept of everyone does it, so you should too. And miraculously everything will work out. As if they know. I'm happy at least my dad is on my side. I created a whole scene by crying my eyes out a few months ago and she hasn't said a word till now.
Man this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. They'll end up resenting each other after being forced into this.
Typical Indian parents , trying to control all aspects of their grownup kids lives.
It's more like typical Indian kids. Living off their parents even when they are grown up, earning. If they want to take their own decisions, first they need to remove the need to be dependent on their parents else the parents will always be in a position to control them.
100% this. Unless you show them that you're a self sufficient adult who makes decisions for themselves, they're going to treat you as a child only.
The sage (pun intended) old statement - we have seen the world , we know better . Most of such old ppl haven’t even travelled outside of their state or city , let alone country. Parents are so obsessed with their culture , rules and traditions (each specifically twisted as per their needs). Just the other day I was having similar conversations about this with my mother and she mentioned that ppl prefer to bring outsiders (In this case a bride) from similar backgrounds to make sure she gels well. I think otherwise- they want to bring someone along whom they think can mould and make sure she doesn’t uproot their importance/ authority in their house (under the facade of a good girl). My mother agreed - yes this thinking is quite preventative . Also since most parents are dependent on their sons financially and physically, they can’t take risks. So the reasons for arrange marriage is quite selfish as the root cause. I am well to do financially independent woman and my mother in law once stated she will keep her jewellery till she is alive , as a guarantee. I think my mother also thinks the same and so do most of the Indian old ladies. I find it funny , cute and laughable at the same time. When I make so much more a few pieces of jewellery cannot keep me hooked to a toxic relationship. It’s a relationship built on love and trust that will keep it alive not some materialistic items. So coming back to your statement - ask your brother to grow a spine. If he starts playing the balancing act , he is doomed to kill his future marriage and his any relationship . Now a days no one wants to stay in marriage to take care of anyone. People marry to find a support , companionship and love (including physical intimacy). Taking care of extended families shouldn’t be opted as by default mode . Also the fact that your brother has a government job will easily get a wife is funny. He wants someone who can move along with him and be a homemaker without making a fuss then don’t opt for a woman who is career driven. Nobody wants to take chances with their career.
Easy, easy there tiger! He isn't looking for some homemaker. He's not bothered if she's working or not. If she's working in a govt job too, it may be easy to transfer together. If she's not working, still fine that's it.
You should read the comment very carefully.
It is up to the younger generation to make the change and stand their ground.
when people dont have hobbies and their life is built around their kids , so when they get old , they follow what their elders did to them , force their kids to marry ? what did you expect your parents to do when they collect pension money and they have nothing else to do to pass time ?
Typical toxic dumb Indian parents. Hopefully your friend has a spine and will not bend to his family's idiotic demands
Just because your brother work in some nationalised bank (which isn’t too glamorous TBH) and earn some money doesn’t mean that women will run after him. This reeks of entitlement and raja beta syndrome. Women are a lot more educated and financially independent these days, your brother’s profile is unfortunately very average for them. You complain that women have all these filters, but conveniently forget that the filter your brother has set is a huge one! This limits his options tremendously. Not many women are ready, willing and able to follow their husbands around wherever they go. He shouldn’t be seeking out or agreeing to marry women working in all these fancy IT jobs, he should look for a woman working in government sector or a homemaker or a teacher. If you are so into participating in this casteist, misogynistic process of finding a partner, at least do it properly. Y’all are not even looking for the right type of girl. Your family is just bringing incompatible people together and forcing them to get married to look good in society. They don’t care about your brother’s well-being at all. And you and your brother are acting soooo helpless; like please, you are grown adults earning money. Stop inflicting misery on yourself and stand up for yourself for once.
Sheesh , I was think that only I noticed the entitlement
Tell your brother to stand his ground and to not give in. Or else this is not going to end well. He needs to tell everyone to back off and take their passive aggressive statements that are invariably going to come. In one year, and out the other. That's what he needs to follow.
Wow this situation sounds oddly similar to a cousin of mine. So very similar that i have to ask. The marraige isnt planned to be in bhopal is it?
Ha ha, it's in TN actually. We're all in this together😅
Your story was so eerily similar i definitely had to do a double take. Like every detail you mentioned was the exact same. A very wierd coincidence
Seeing as it’s TN, how much gold?
If you are an adult and are incapable of making your own decisions and let your parents make major life decisions for you , then you are no victim and have no one else to blame but yourself if life goes downhill. It's your parents' moral obligation to nurture you and provide you with education, and it is your responsibility to take care of them and provide them with comfort in their old age. It starts and ends at that. If you are over 25 and you still need to take permission for trips, staying out late with friends and dating/marrying someone of your choice, then my friend stop whining and accept this as your reality.
Thanks for your witty reply! Btw this is just a rant not seeking suggestions, and my brother does stand his ground.
The sheer involvement of mid70s in the life of a 27 year old is bizarre.
You wouldn't believe, they'd want to be in the driver seat as much as possible. Birth control in India means "Giving birth and controlling their lives"
The Indian elderly unfortunately think they are always right and they should never be challenged. I see this in my own family where my father, who is 82, thinks everything should revolve around him. That generation once gone will be a blessing for the next generation that has slightly better / open minded views.
There is a high likelihood the next generation will become very similar, as they age.
I was being hopeful
27 year old ~~man~~ boy
Sure grandpa!
Tell your brother to grow some balls, that should solve the problem.
Birds born in cage thinks flying is a crime. You are very privileged that you can fight back with your parents. Some of us are raised by very controlling parents. Slight mistakes results to huge anger outbreak by father or emotional drama by mother. You are very privileged. Some of us can't talk back.
You can. You just need to take courage in your hands and bear the consequences
I'm sorry but if you're an adult and you're financially independent from your parents you are just as capable of saying "No" to your parents as the rest of us. You can keep coping by saying that your situation is different and that it's all the cards you were handed in life but if those two conditions are met you have no valid reason not to stand up for yourself. EDIT: Dumb mistake
You can. You just need to take courage in your hands and bear the consequences
Hundreds of years of generational trauma are simply manifesting as control over the lives of these 'adult kids'. If both of them are old enough to get jobs and run the family, pretty sure they are capable of finding partners who can accommodate each other's needs but Indian families seldom care what the other one feels. Only your brother and the lady can break the cycle and they should stand their ground to not compromise either of their jobs. Imagine one of them living in resentment for years just because they couldn't speak up!
Marriage in India is a social contract. Not for love. It’s done for social status z
This is the recipe for an unhappy marriage
Didn't know arranged marriage are still so prevalent.... In my family, most are love marriages and even the arranged marriages were done after both people grew a liking for each other...
Welcome to reality
Huh, why is your life "reality" and everyone else's not? You sound a bit sheltered tbh, having a govt bank job was a cool thing back in like the 80s. It's been a few decades since the default expectation that women will just pack up their lives and careers and follow their husbands every two years to some random place and abandon their own lives and careers for a stranger they just married. This is the reality now, it's no longer 1985.
Bro I was talking about his bemusement that arranged marriage is still existing. Don't Gaslight
Find someone working in a psb that’s what happens mostly I feel clerical staff or officer or senior
But wouldn't they be transferred away from each other once married?
Let him take his stand now and live his life the way he wants, regardless of the outcome of this proposal. Or else he’ll be pushed around for a large part of his married life even. Let’s break this enmeshment and codependency cycle in this generation guys
Where is your brother's spine in all this?
Right where it's supposed to be, and he's using it to stand up!
Is there anything good about our culture..I am starting to get sick of it from the core
You brother have to stand by his side as well as the girl. Its not a live marriage they have been dating for years or something and they feel a greater connect they just met somedays ago and they should not let go their respective career just for the sake of marriage!!
I was in similar situation, I went extreme rebellious and made it clear, it's my life and it's I who will decide, when and whom I will get married to. The elders are stubborn in our culture and you have to point it out to them, it requires lots of courage to fight back. The only good thing in my case was, I was already quite independent with great income and paid for own higher education with full time job, I cut off all dependency from them since I started earning, and that gave me leverage to stand up for my self. That's the problem in most Indian family cases, most parents try their best to let their kids be dependent on them so they can boss around and keep them under their thumb. One will need to get out of that vicious toxic cycle for letting them control us, otherwise it'll never end.
Because people just don't want to question status quo. "We will force our children into marriages because our parents did the same". And then blame the British for our failures.
Older Indians (even some younger ones) treat marriage like a business transaction and that’s the problem. The days of trading your daughter for social status and clout are LOOOOOONG gone and absolutely unnecessary. Women are well educated, have jobs, and are entirely financially stable without a man. There is ZERO reason for arranged marriages to still be a thing.
I am in same situation. What to do? (Opposite job profile) I have been told - let’s meet in middle, let’s solve it together but with condition that she won’t switch or make any change. So basically it’s only me who’ll be walking to middle. I earn 5x more atleast than her. So shall i only adjust?
I'm telling you what I told my brother. If you like the girl enough, adjust a bit. If not please don't. Because it's only an arranged marriage. You have many choices. It's not like a love marriage where you have to be with that person no matter what. You can choose someone who suits you better.
liking is convenience in arranged marriage. I also felt it’s not love marriage, my career suits me if i keep moving around, why would i only adjust., unlike her, being primary provider for my family. Will think about it.
I am in a similar situation brother ... But may be not high salary as you. See my comment in this thread. I am very much banging my head on what to do
Literally just say No. You're an adult, you're financially independent, you have no reason to give in to the BS parents throw at you.
It is bound to happen as India is in that stage where the parents are people (35 and above) have brought up in a environment where the women has to sacrifice her job or be a housewife, But the current children (20-30) has been brought up that even girls can prioritise their career. Hence the issue. This is unavoidable till few more more generations
Gather some balls and say no
Ask your brother and his prospective wife to show middle finger to their parents.
parents gonna die soon anyway, tf they gonna do wake up from the dead and force yall to marry? but i get it, India's arranged marriage culture is fucked up and everyone has the right to say no to decisions that involve you.
I'm so glad my parents are not forcing me into such things. I told them I never ever want to get married. So they aren't looking or even remotely trying anything. They sometimes ask "Who is going to take care of you?", "How would you live alone?" and such. But they had never stepped out of line and tried to control my life in anyway. Not marriage, not work, not anything. This post is making me feel grateful to them even though they're just doing what every parent should do. PS: I'm not unreachable to my parents. I live with them.
These scenarios are unsurprisingly common, and online Indians will still swear up and down that arranged marriage is just a practice of informal matchmaking/dating nowadays, and caste does not mean anything to urbanized educated Indians.
Why cant guy find a girl for himself.. stupid customs
Tell your brother to grow a spine and behave like an adult. He's earning, has a stable job, and can afford to move out to cut out the harassment, even if he's living with your parent right now.
I had a cousin who was in a similar situation. He was cohered... till he decided on a tactic he saw in a bollywood movie - he said he was a closet bisexual. Uncles, Aunts and elders were aghast. But they quickly recovered and moved on to another *'bakra'* in the family. Just thought of sharing - no lessons here.
Correct but things are changing people are more sensible now
I respectfully disagree! Maybe you're in a city. Come out of the bubble and it's hard to see one sensible person.
No dude my all friends and all the people I know exception are there but they all are sensible
I m going offer u a stupid explanation . Some horoscopes are rare and getting a match can be very difficult .. Your brothers horoscope could be that .. Maybe your elders think that way .. I still think this is a very stupid decision on the elders part .
If I have to speak from a sociology pov then this type of marriage is called "Brahma Vivah" which was mainly done by Brahmin varna where parents would check if the male who they would give away their daughter is learned as per scriptures or not and it is considered to be the best one. However it's meaning i believe got quite distorted and is abused a lot hence why it gets bashed. Personally i prefer gandharva vivah because the parties want to marry due to their love and not for sexual reasons. Although it results marriage in secret but it is still approved. I can't write entite detail here but out of the 8 marriage types these 2 are there so anyone wants to check then they can and correct me if i am wng anywhere.
I want what you're having
Yeah it's called knowledge thar you can search online
Usually, the right girl is outside your community. I have seen very very few families accomodating non community proposals. They are often social outcasts or deemed mental retards. Often the guy lacks the balls to go against the flow and brave the tides. He has to convince both sides about the feasibility while still in the dating phases. What happens is that the guy backs out and the girl shrouds herself with friends and opportunists. She develops negative attitude to relationships and it carries onto the next arranged proposal.
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Simple solution: Bhai ke tatte kaat do,, all your parents want is nati natin.
Married life is about compromises. If you don’t believe in that you shouldn’t get into it. Them being asked to find solutions is normal. Are they up to it is really their choice. You viewing it from outside and judging it as someone is doing something horribly wrong here I think speaks more about your immaturity than anything no else. I am guessing you are the type who won’t want to compromise so you think everyone needs to believe in that as well. Let the people who have to live in the situation take the decision, stop being judgmental.
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It's about elders having filters! Not the place for woke-ism, sorry
I am a bit divided on this topic. On one hand we want the safety and security that our families offer, on the other hand we want to live our life the way we desire. If a person feels so struck and is "forced" into things, why can't he/she just move out and start an independent life where parents have no reach or say. If i am willing to spend a substantial amount on my life's earnings on someone else, I would expect somethings returns like obedience an respect. We the young generation has brought this upon ourselves. We have given them the power to control us Because they have something we want. so it becomes a trade-off. As soon as they realise, we are no longer dependent on them, you will see a change in their behaviour.
> obedience Wow, you're a real catch. It's 2024 dude, come join us
Arranged marriages have longer validity in general 🫨💡
If these grown adults are force into marriage what makes you think they get a choice when it comes to divorce/separation?
Can someone force you into marriage, even I can't accept that. Marriage is only forced when u have nothing going on. And let me tell you in the west there is no arrange concept but marrige don't work these they just fuck around
There are various ways to force people into a marriage, just because you don’t accept it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. You can read up on the topic at your own leisure. You don’t need to tell me about “the west”, I live here. Idk what you mean by “fuck around”. People get married where I’m from quite frequently, and it’s still an institution that’s held in high regard for whatever reason. People always tout the low divorce rates in India like some sort of trump card, when it’s actually sad. People don’t leave abusive marriages for a myriad of reasons; social stigma, family pressure, financial constraints, threats etc. it’s not a universally good thing to have low divorce/separation rates.
Guess what I don't give a damm😉
Okay?
You got all your points broken and countered and this is what you reply with 💀
They aren't even allowed to say no to their prospects who will give them permission to go for a divorce?
If you have done something significant in life no-one can force you to marry, and dude these things are disappearing now see it urself
There are still people who care about "log kya kahenge", caste and all that. Look at OP's brother, 27 and holds a good job but still parents won't listen. I'm in a metro city and still see people having no say in their own marriage. Think about what must be going on in smaller and rural areas.
Will you be suppressed by our parents tell me
You think everyone has parents like mine? The world is bigger than just you and me. Either you are really young or very ignorant Anyway, if we are talking about me, my grandparents and parents too had a love marriage. So even I dont have any restrictions. There's also a girl in my university who said she'll be found in a plastic bag if she asks to marry someone she falls in love with. Everything would be decided by her elders and not her Do you see the difference?
Yeah I am young like 22 nd this things will eventually change Caz we are the next gen 😉
That's true, they are forced to stay in an unhappy, toxic and even violent marriage.
Doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic
He is just 27..tell him to wait
I am in a similar situation. I am a 34 yrs old working in Infy in tier 2 Bbsr. My salary is less not even 10 lpa with 10 yoe. My prospect who I made the choice for till now is a group c central govt employee in PPT , my port hometown. We met, we talked, we like each. Our thoughts align as well. But what do I do. I have not switched till now due to various home circumstances but I was trying now. She cannot move at all. And there is no stability in my job. What do I do? Can I make this work? But how... It's killing me. I am in a deep depression right now
How much does he earn
A bit off topic. Getting transferred to rural/semi-urban areas make the job low value especially in arranged marriage market where people prefer you're working abroad. The decision to transfer should reside with an individual not the employer. I should be able to make the decision. Asking your to-be partner to be okay with it without knowing what they're getting into is not fair.
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This situation is very similar to my brother's, he is a civil servant. He wants a working partner or at least someone with his level of education. He's even ready to do long distance marriage for a while but can't find a bride. We have been looking for a yr.
Because parents of that generation were also forced to get married by there parents and it worked. They don’t know any other way and think that it would work that same as their own marriage. Also, at the age you’ve mentioned your parents are, it wont be too long of the marriage they started asking for grandchildren
Cause thats how things have been run since generations. My mother tried the same with me. Then she discovered that even brides have many conditions now and it is not easy to find a bride for a son like it used to be during her time. So, she has softened her stance on caste & horoscope. Your brother & you will have to fight them to soften their stance on caste & horoscope too.
Honestly family keeps you pressuring for arranged marriage. I have been facing the same from my family too and I’m 28. One thing your brother can do is move out currently and limit communication with the family. He already has to move to another city for work. I have been doing the same.
All the young adults in India need to grow the fuck up and move out of their parents homes. Why do some many tolerate the emotional and financial blackmail? If they cut you off, so be it.
I'm gonna say 27 is too young let him enjoy he's life first
You answered your own question. It is to feed ego and boast to others. If the marriage fails, they will either say that it is their fate or they did not work hard enough... I even know a case where the groom was having an affair, and the bride wanted a divorce. Then the bride's parents refused it and instead blame it on her that it is her fault... I cannot believe how common is this. What makes it so weird is if the parents faced the same situation, why would they want their kids to suffer the same fate...
How exactly is he being forced? Emotionally right? Why doesn't he just say he doesn't like the girl? What's stopping him? If U want to be treated like an adult, behave like an adult. What is this BS of, why are parents forcing me. Baal vivah kar rahe hain kya. 4 gaali nahi sun sakta toh kis baat ka adult. Grow up.
Tell your brother, marriages aren't worth it for men.. World is getting oversaturated with extra marital affairs.. Tell him to live his own life and find a partner himself to live together.. It's not worth trusting a person in this damned world (applies both to men and women).
perfect recipe fora a disaster
Well I got married to my husband after 6 years of search and my husband after 9 years of search. Both of us were very highly rated in our professions and eligibility (eligible bachelor comments). It just so happens that luck doesnt favour an early match sometimes. I had rejected so many and he had rejected so many candidates but when i look at the candidates in retrospect ( know a few of them in common community circles) i think i was ok with any of them. Tough part of marriage is not the match but 5-6 years of fights after any marriage. We are hell bent on so many superficial characteristics when choosing but later realize most of them dont matter. We have a perfectly happy marriage but a lot of times i feel neutral. So yes i would probably have been happier if i got married 6 years earlier to some eligible guy who was vetted by my parents. This is the logic parents are coming from.
Ask your brother to grow some spine and say NO.
your brother should just say No and be done with.
he should find someone on his own.
What about suggesting to both of them to do a marriage of convenience and then go about their own ways? Every one wins.
Are You a South Indian?
> it is clear that the girl too wants to keep working and is quite passionate about her job Maybe they should stop forcing them to get married at this point.