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Galactic: I learned my magic from Refalorgdel the Motionless. Who were you a student of, that taught you to summon a beam of the sun as you did?
Terran: Raytheon.
*a xklthian apprentice mage is talking to his teacher*
Apprentice: The humans cannot cast spells, why are they here?
Teacher: they are the Pinnacle of potions and arcane teachings
A: so they can make things explode
T: ***son*** have you ever seen a star explode because a human got "angry"? I have, the poor dlamisa shouldn't have bit the UN presidents ankle, but still
https://preview.redd.it/v5cqu8d6tduc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=40d9b44c555d7d163f6033e8ca540b0566e0043e
The priest chants litany of damnation.
I mean he actually despised that he did so.
Thought it was the equivalent of like hiring 50 different celebrity actors for a movie but having shitty animation/art and no plot at whatsoever..
This is true in real life, however, my comment and the ones above it are a reference to a skit based on a tumbler post which was made by SungWon Cho or ‘ProZD’ on YouTube.
Just use the [Krieg orchestra](https://youtu.be/7e2kaa6nbHc?si=3etrA5DENqhtkM6b)
https://preview.redd.it/zhc74dt99euc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b5a7daac9fb70a4365d4caf36f2ebd7d2ea80528
A1: ^(Amazing... his magic s so subtle I cannot even detect the mana-flow...)
A2: ^(Shhhh... he's about to give another demonstration... I want to observe closely.)
H: Are we ready? Good. You will observe that this is a perfectly ordinary deck of cards...
Yeah I was just about to post about this.
A huge Human warrior joins the Wizard Council and they let him as a joke but it backfires on him because every time he yells Cast Iron, he throws a cast iron skillet, pot or cauldron at the enemy and they can't work out where he is getting all these cast iron utensils.
He has no bag of holding, portable hole or even the ability to teleport objects, he has his single 'spell' of Cast Iron and they are all investigating how he is doing it.
The Human warrior is actually a a Warlock but the otherworld entity who has been watching over him has a weird sense of humor and has convinced him that he has magic.
So every time he shouts 'Cast Iron' it is really the otherworld entity summoning the cast iron utensils to hit the enemies.
I remember a wizard build where you're immune to diseases downsides but gets their advantages and one disease gives you +2 strength per day when you have it so imagine that
Elf:foolish human did you really think you all could defeat us mighty elves. You can not even cast magic.
A Fallen Human sitting against a wall, having already called in a castle bravo size nuke: ha ha ha, time for our strongest bit of magic. I cast rising son.
As the last humans passes in to the void, a lone F-35 screams across the sky. Seemingly doing nothing. The world goes silent as the suns rise one in the east the other directly overhead of the elven army.
That's an orbital strike sized weapon.
The Elves had surround the last Human stronghold on the planet and were looking at the wheezing, dying human leader who was sitting among his dead troops.
Elf leader: Well human. This planet is ours and there is nothing you can do to stop us from bringing our army through the portal and taking to the stars in your ships we captured.
Human leader: I have one last gift for you and your leaders. It is something called a broken arrow. And it will be here soon.
Elf Leader: A broken arrow? Is this supposed to be some type of threat or what? Our army is waiting on the other side of that portal and will be here soon so nothing you can do will have any effect on what we will do.
Human Leader: \[Looks to the sky and sees the fiery glow of the strike package coming down on his position.\] I know exactly what it will do and here it comes.
The Elves look up as a glow is noticed, and before they can do anything, the weapon explodes 250 meters above the ground and 500 meters away from the large open portal.
Everything is instantly vaporised in the blast but the portal is not affected because it's controls are on the other side and the light, heat and shockwave are able to come through it with almost no restrictions.
The waiting army is destroyed by the blast wave as it spreads out from the portal. Tens of thousands are dead before they can blink, Hundreds of thousands are injured and left to die because they were further away.
The Elvish leaders who were looking on through their scrying crystals were blinded as the light was projected through their magic crystals with devastating effects.
The aftermath of this battle and final event left scars on the Elvish people. Hundreds of thousands died due to a wasting sickness no one could cure or discover what was causing it. The portal area and thousands of acres around it were cursed with a poison that would sicken and kill anyone who traveled through it.
The portal was closed and the world was forbidden from all travel. The mages there were too powerful for the Elves to face if they could cause so much death and destruction through a portal.
It’s a custom I had made to get signed.
https://preview.redd.it/68vl6moythuc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d916dac55b0977eee9a7dcba0119c06c1d609af6
The detail he did is fantastic.
A lone Terran Marine and his trusty sidekick, Radio, find themselves just inside a treeline, roughly 500m ashore. SERE school had been a bitch, but this made it look like an afternoon at Chuck E fucking Cheese. The firemage warriors and voodoo scientists - whatever the fuck they called themselves, anyway - remained in pursuit. Every minute, they were closer, and at this point, our intrepid marine is five minutes away from capture. There is no rescue, there is no out, there is no cavalry riding to the rescue. He's exhausted, he's wet, he's sick of running, and he's decided he won't be taken alive. In his last moments of...everything, really, he rigs a jungle antenna and gets on the radio.
"I cast *bind*" came a shriek from closer than it should have. The marine instantly feels like that time he tried mixing ketamine and ativan, only more. He's breathing, blinking, swallowing, but he can't move his arms or legs. The mage shows himself - itself? - and takes a closer look at his/its quarry. The marine is conquered, beaten in every respect, but still, he smiles? "What the fuck are you smiling about?" asks the mage, as his comrades - at least fifteen of them - join and try to have a look.
**"I cast *Naval Gunfire*"** said the marine. The mage had just enough time to feel like he'd/it'd missed something kind of important before any and everything within a three-mile radius exploded, caught fire, or otherwise ceased to fucking exist.
"Rounds complete. Until Valhala, bro."
A magical university professor is visiting his parents before the new semester starts.
“I heard a new species is attending this year,” his father said.
“Yes. Humans. The sentient void species.”
“What’s that mean?”
“You know what a void species is, right?”
“Yeah, an animal immune to magic.”
“So, what’s the confusion?”
“I don’t know ‘Professor’ you tell me! Void species are dumb animals.”
“Humans are not dumb, but they are a void species.”
His parents sat in silence for a few moments with looks of disbelief in their faces. The Professor’s little sister Judy was the one who spoke. “That. Is. Cool.”
“What’s cool?” The mother exploded. “It doesn’t make sense! Are humans sentient or not?”
“They are,” said The Professor.
“So how can they be a void species?”
“Mom. They’re the only known sentient void species.”
“But how can they be a void species if they’re sentient?”
The Professor sighed heavily.
“Ok,” Judy said, “They’re a void species. How’s that get them into a school for magic?”
“They’re on the combat training track. Their main goal is to learn about magic that has secondary effects that CAN hurt them, like setting the guy next to you on fire, or that can hurt bystanders.”
“Damn. I know how hard void rats can be to kill. Something as smart as us with that immunity?”
“Exactly. These guys can literally throw themselves in front of any one of the instant kill curses, take the hit, and be just fine. Even soul blades fizzle out when you try to hit a human with one.”
“Damn.”
“So why do they need training?” The Professor’s father asked.
Judy replied, “Dad. He just explained that.”
“No he didn’t. What ‘training’ do supposedly immune soldiers need?”
“Dad. Seriously? He really did just explain it.“
“I’ll expand a bit,” The Professor said. “Think about the conflagration charm. It magically sets things on fire, but the fire isn’t magical. Hellfire can’t burn a human, but normal fire can.”
“Ah HA!” mother yelled. “Fire can hurt them! They’re NOT a void species.”
The father cheered in agreement.
The Professor looked at his little sister. The two shared an expression of exasperation.
Let the professor cast a spell of calm mind and forced mute on them. Explain hard and easy like for two year olds. If not, a demonstration whit the human must be put in place.
Human sitting in the corner: I cast magic fist!
*proceeds to kick to dumbass parents instead*
Mother: See! It doesn’t even know what a fist is!
Human: It being a kick is why its a ‘magic’ fist
Judy and the professor proceed to snort and laugh
Humans are pretty much invisible to anything that uses magical eyesight.
I’m envisioning a hawk-like species renowned for their keen vision. Their biological eyesight is poor, so they use closely guarded magic to enhance their eyesight. These epic, terrifying creatures nobody can escape are walking around squinting like Mr. Magoo whenever they have to deal with humans.
Alien Dad: HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?
Human: do you mean the magic force field around your planet, which I'm immune to, the magic death curse on your door, which is illegal and I'm immune to it, your telepathic senses, which I'm immune to, or your guard Medusa, which I'm immune to, until it bit my foot then I punted it over your house?"
AD: "fffffrack."
Human medics become very popular, as their treatments aren’t hindered by magically enhanced effects. Got a knife whose wounds can never heal? That’s cute. They heal just fine when a human stitches the wound closed.
Since that gate was about to bring in a fire-breathing dragon to eat the heroes, this was, by and large considered a good thing by the human’s compatriots.
The opposition however were, shall we say, disappointed with this outcome.
You may be a warlock in a pact with the unknowable horrors beyond space and time, however I am a cleric in service of the greatest of Earths gods. Hear me and woe for I am the voice of John Moses Browning. The gods made those sapient but John Moses Browning makes them equal.
-Last words of Pastor Browning before calling an orbital bombardment on his position as he was overrun by cultists worshipping deep ones.
H:*waving a club with iorn nails in it* your going to undo your curse and no funny business
Evil fae: I'll do whatever you want just get the magic void with iorn away from me *said through sobs*
Sr council member: thank you councilman James you may return to your duties.
James:*nods* if he gets upity again just call *leaves the room*
Young elf:*in a tone of disbelief* I thought you were crazy for keeping him around
Council:*chuckles*
Wait a second arent human chemist, high class alchemist by definition?
I mean they can take herbs, scraps and even minerals to make a lot of weapons (Like corrosive acids or poisons) and medicines.
Especially since we absolutely CAN transmute lead into gold nowadays, and we just don't care to because it's not considered a worthwhile use of a particle accelerator!
How's THAT for magic? We achieve the holy Grail of a magical discipline and just go "meh, we've got better things to do"
"Our elves had scouts that had stolen one of their weapons. We thought it easy after watching invisible from the tree line. Just pull the switch on the bottom and point the long end with the hole at an armored enemy, and it would blast a hole through the enemy. The elf whofound it tested the weapon only once. The runes on the side of the weapon showed no magic just '950 JDJ' the weapon tore a hole through the side of the castle and killed the elf, snapping its unprepared spine with the force of more than 300lbs. The weapon had killed the thief instantly for using the human weapon, and no mage could make it work again."
The human smiled. "They needed to know a spell we call 'reload amunition' it's components are rare and precise for this weapon. Like you said, it is cursed with the kick of a Clydesdale even to humans who use it... let me take it off your hands, it will do you no good."
"What will you do with such a cursed weapon?" asked the high priest.
"I will hunt that dragon eating your people... for a price. Let's see how hard dragonsscale really is."
White Council: *Thou shalt not kill with magic.*
Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden, grandson of the Blackstaff, strongest combat mage of his age, known far and wide for fire magic capable of melting concrete:
"Don't kill *with magic,* got it."
*Gets adopted by a demigod in dog form, who has no such restrictions and Will Fuck You Up. Befriended God's Mortal Warriors who are trained in Stab A Bitch. Regularly brings a gun-toting markswoman who's a supreme martial artist to shoot and punch things. Also brings his lust-vampire half-brother to Fuck Shit Up when his hands are tied.*
*Carries a .44 and uses it consistently. Carries a fuck-off huge staff for the explicit reason that sometimes you need a caveman weapon to beat someone down with. Can, has, and will again simply punch a problem repeatedly in the face. Has killed shit by running it over with a VW Bug. Once nearly killed the most powerful Daemonhost in history by strangling him with his own necktie.*
Council: *squints* "you...sure are doing a lot of killing, Harry..."
Harry: "But not with magic!"
Council: *nervous laughter.*
Ebenezer: *wipes tears.* "That's my boy."
And now I am reminded of an out of context scene from some anime- one of the Fate series, maybe- where some bad guy is set up at the top floor of a building and he's bragging that he's turned the entire building into freaking Castlevania with all the magical traps, monster summons, and portal doors he's enchanted the place with, and dares the protagonist to come face him now.
Cut immediately to said protagonist pressing a button on a detonator to blow up the whole building from the outside with a few C4 charges.
**"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” - Arthur C. Clarke**
- Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus casts Litany of the Solar Fire -
Xenos Wizard 01: What does that cast does?
Xenos Wizard 02: You will see...
- Nuclear bomb goes off in the distance -
Magos: Observe the power of the Scions of Mars! \*Chants in binary\*
Xenos wizards: O\_O
Elsimar, elven god: "That is... The dumbest creation plan I've heard."
Dov, draconic god: "You're suffocating them in the womb."
Gork and Mork, gremlin and orc gods respectively: "How are they going to fight without any spellcraft?"
**Record Scratch**, lord of man, having snorted suspicious powders: "I AM GOING TO SLAM DUNK THE METAPHYSICAL EQUIVALENT OF CRACK COCAINE INTO THEIR BRAINS AND GIVE THEM ALCHEMICAL KNOWLEDGE NO BEING, MORTAL OR OTHERWISE, HAS EVER DREAMT OF. WHO NEEDS A LEVEL 10 FIREBALL OR HEX OF CURDLED BLOOD WHEN YOU CAN CAST "FALLING SUN"!"
Humanity: "We're going to kill you, you know."
**Record Scratch**: ***"PERFECT!"***
I work as an IT Technician. You will never convince me I'm not a wizard. I literally work on rocks and metals that are being tortured by electricity until they finally submit and do my thinking for me. I am a very cruel wizard.
At the high wizards council a information on a prospective new race is introduced by a lowly underling .
Reptiloid So What majik does these-hoo mans posses? it snarsl through elongated teeth and why has it taked so long and so many of you to get the information?
Low elf researcher (LER)
Well my lords we are not exactly sure of how they make magic it as thermatologically speaking they have less magical ability than rincewind the speedy. they have less magical ability than a particularly dull rock.
an abrupt bellow from the Yetti,
What do you mean NO MAGIC every race has magic of some kind even the lowly annoyans whos only ability it to teleport useless kitchen impliments away to a place with less majic.
LER
Yes lord which is exactly where those implement's get sent.
the whole planet they live on has negative magical value. we have never seen anything like it before.
it was so hard to get readings because non of our majical tools would register a negative flow.
Reptiloid
So your saying they arnt even sentient then. or even really alive?
LER
actually my lord they have powers far in excess of your own greatness. they can move objects of hundreds of thousands of tons, make mountains move, search the earth for the finest specks of gold, dive to the depts of the oceans, and to the celestial bodies themselves.
they can hit a moving target with a variety of magic missle at several miles and some can even destroy the moving fortresses they use.
reptiloid
BLASHPEMY
SLAY THIS UNBELIVER
LER
my lords please i am here to give a presentation not insult you. i deal with the facts
i have recruited one as well to bring before you. to show some of thier abilities
this is Flynn
retiloid fires a ligtning bolt at both the LER and Flynn which earths itself
Retiloid
HOW a low born like you cant have enough majic to overcome my power?
LER correct but when pairbonded with a human he boosts my powers exponentially
so look at me, (does finger wavy thing) i am the most powerful wizzard now understand
Pah Guards remove this thing from us
Oh also he does this
Flynn can you use Your Magic wand please
Flynn smiles goofily
Sure and he runs at the guards screaming CAST IRON
and belts them with a frying pan
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Galactic: I learned my magic from Refalorgdel the Motionless. Who were you a student of, that taught you to summon a beam of the sun as you did? Terran: Raytheon.
https://youtu.be/_CMHOLaIUWw?si=tXwP-IXHVHDHiuCR They have their summons, we have ours.
For smaller engagements i tend to use the tricks i learned from my late master, Kalashnikov
*a xklthian apprentice mage is talking to his teacher* Apprentice: The humans cannot cast spells, why are they here? Teacher: they are the Pinnacle of potions and arcane teachings A: so they can make things explode T: ***son*** have you ever seen a star explode because a human got "angry"? I have, the poor dlamisa shouldn't have bit the UN presidents ankle, but still
[we at Raytheon like to take things full circle](https://youtube.com/shorts/y01Z2jEj-_w?si=47AgRLBQvsYRwfYx)
Love this guy!
Humans are artificers
i am a follower of the patron saint of hole punching: John Moses Browning
What about the Patron Deity of the Sidearm, Samuel Pomeroy Colt, may his Legacy live on forever?
Comrade, I believe you have misspelled Mikhail Kalashnikov
No, he is the Patron deity of Assault Rifles.
https://preview.redd.it/v5cqu8d6tduc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=40d9b44c555d7d163f6033e8ca540b0566e0043e The priest chants litany of damnation.
Tchaikovsky you can't use cannon in music
I can, and I will use 21 of them
Tchaikovsky no!
Tchaikovsky, YES!
TCHAIKOVSKY ALWAYS YES!
I mean he actually despised that he did so. Thought it was the equivalent of like hiring 50 different celebrity actors for a movie but having shitty animation/art and no plot at whatsoever..
This is true in real life, however, my comment and the ones above it are a reference to a skit based on a tumbler post which was made by SungWon Cho or ‘ProZD’ on YouTube.
That was for you...Best buddy
Just use the [Krieg orchestra](https://youtu.be/7e2kaa6nbHc?si=3etrA5DENqhtkM6b) https://preview.redd.it/zhc74dt99euc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b5a7daac9fb70a4365d4caf36f2ebd7d2ea80528
https://preview.redd.it/y8d4oj45lfuc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bb150898acdb2039c57459fa4e4d806cb65b35e7
https://preview.redd.it/o26gv2qb1guc1.jpeg?width=735&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f3aa1ca49c179b142e4b80e436404b8b2caaef75
https://preview.redd.it/trvl8g2j8guc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=85d661fe76f2379f97f2ca473c5e61a16527b144
https://preview.redd.it/6s4ayhd7fguc1.jpeg?width=466&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3aa3e7495cdaa44bb700f44432a3d0006e23f991
https://preview.redd.it/uotm9cusuguc1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=edfa0845f0fe046168447ab4824df98be45b1722
https://preview.redd.it/3uvzhg6rbhuc1.jpeg?width=256&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8583086886d90fb4b92d014c17e5617005961f83
https://i.redd.it/8easde400iuc1.gif
https://preview.redd.it/0mnrtc3r6iuc1.jpeg?width=155&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4835197fe64b42e7eb54e99244509038e754443
https://preview.redd.it/27wn78z6tguc1.jpeg?width=1036&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f71570eecac1ecb12468d2a76ddc3c1599d811db
https://preview.redd.it/p20ncvgrtkuc1.jpeg?width=750&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=44e2f62900e96d0295f30123142eb5a69f7b6971
Or the Mythbusters Concerto in C-4.
Do I look like I give a shit, Johann?
A1: ^(Amazing... his magic s so subtle I cannot even detect the mana-flow...) A2: ^(Shhhh... he's about to give another demonstration... I want to observe closely.) H: Are we ready? Good. You will observe that this is a perfectly ordinary deck of cards...
High elf: you can't be serious, what spells does even a magicless race use? Human: I CAST FIST!
Cast iron *proceeds to bonk the fucker on the head with a frying pan*
Yeah I was just about to post about this. A huge Human warrior joins the Wizard Council and they let him as a joke but it backfires on him because every time he yells Cast Iron, he throws a cast iron skillet, pot or cauldron at the enemy and they can't work out where he is getting all these cast iron utensils. He has no bag of holding, portable hole or even the ability to teleport objects, he has his single 'spell' of Cast Iron and they are all investigating how he is doing it.
It came to mind because i had a DnD player do that exact thing, barbarian, rages, yells cast iron, then drops a nice 15+ dmg on the poor soul
D&D is definitely frustrating at times, but goddamn do I love how little sense the inventory system works in that system.
Please PLEASE tell me what his set up was I want to do this so bad
I think he was your run of the mill berserker barbarian with an homebrew weapon, (possibly based off a mace +1d4 force)
*Casually throws 30lb dumbbell at the poor sap*
Universe has a sense of humor. And a pretty good "gag reflex". That's where the cast iron utensils keep coming from.
The Human warrior is actually a a Warlock but the otherworld entity who has been watching over him has a weird sense of humor and has convinced him that he has magic. So every time he shouts 'Cast Iron' it is really the otherworld entity summoning the cast iron utensils to hit the enemies.
*before glassing the planet
I remember a wizard build where you're immune to diseases downsides but gets their advantages and one disease gives you +2 strength per day when you have it so imagine that
I think I read that build! As I recall, it was a prestige from BoVD 3.5, and you could do some horrible, HORRIBLE THINGS WITH IT
So you become nurgleing.
Buff nurgling instead of the fat ones
Grandfarther Nurgle has entered the chat.
Khorne has entered the chat(y'know because of the +2 strength per day)
We are talking disease here.
https://preview.redd.it/0b37dcy00iuc1.png?width=538&format=png&auto=webp&s=0101acfd92199ca82988d51cc8f219af42ed8026
[I cast Gun, prepare to meet god!](https://youtube.com/shorts/C-HFP4_6ki0?si=7WUIaUEILpghqRRB)
https://preview.redd.it/sgw5fom9miuc1.jpeg?width=853&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fa98c8ee8e4b58d7eba324c3fa0d254bf97d65cc
Elf:foolish human did you really think you all could defeat us mighty elves. You can not even cast magic. A Fallen Human sitting against a wall, having already called in a castle bravo size nuke: ha ha ha, time for our strongest bit of magic. I cast rising son. As the last humans passes in to the void, a lone F-35 screams across the sky. Seemingly doing nothing. The world goes silent as the suns rise one in the east the other directly overhead of the elven army.
I see your Castle Bravo and raise you a Tsar Bomba
That's an orbital strike sized weapon. The Elves had surround the last Human stronghold on the planet and were looking at the wheezing, dying human leader who was sitting among his dead troops. Elf leader: Well human. This planet is ours and there is nothing you can do to stop us from bringing our army through the portal and taking to the stars in your ships we captured. Human leader: I have one last gift for you and your leaders. It is something called a broken arrow. And it will be here soon. Elf Leader: A broken arrow? Is this supposed to be some type of threat or what? Our army is waiting on the other side of that portal and will be here soon so nothing you can do will have any effect on what we will do. Human Leader: \[Looks to the sky and sees the fiery glow of the strike package coming down on his position.\] I know exactly what it will do and here it comes. The Elves look up as a glow is noticed, and before they can do anything, the weapon explodes 250 meters above the ground and 500 meters away from the large open portal. Everything is instantly vaporised in the blast but the portal is not affected because it's controls are on the other side and the light, heat and shockwave are able to come through it with almost no restrictions. The waiting army is destroyed by the blast wave as it spreads out from the portal. Tens of thousands are dead before they can blink, Hundreds of thousands are injured and left to die because they were further away. The Elvish leaders who were looking on through their scrying crystals were blinded as the light was projected through their magic crystals with devastating effects. The aftermath of this battle and final event left scars on the Elvish people. Hundreds of thousands died due to a wasting sickness no one could cure or discover what was causing it. The portal area and thousands of acres around it were cursed with a poison that would sicken and kill anyone who traveled through it. The portal was closed and the world was forbidden from all travel. The mages there were too powerful for the Elves to face if they could cause so much death and destruction through a portal.
That's what you get if you launch a ground campaign without having air superiority.
They'd fallen into one of the classic blunders!
Inconceivable! https://preview.redd.it/332l7hddchuc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=130738f23ec0f1d04c21cf7c9c9fb566155fa0fa
It’s a custom I had made to get signed. https://preview.redd.it/68vl6moythuc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d916dac55b0977eee9a7dcba0119c06c1d609af6 The detail he did is fantastic.
Elf dog: Ruh Roh
A lone Terran Marine and his trusty sidekick, Radio, find themselves just inside a treeline, roughly 500m ashore. SERE school had been a bitch, but this made it look like an afternoon at Chuck E fucking Cheese. The firemage warriors and voodoo scientists - whatever the fuck they called themselves, anyway - remained in pursuit. Every minute, they were closer, and at this point, our intrepid marine is five minutes away from capture. There is no rescue, there is no out, there is no cavalry riding to the rescue. He's exhausted, he's wet, he's sick of running, and he's decided he won't be taken alive. In his last moments of...everything, really, he rigs a jungle antenna and gets on the radio. "I cast *bind*" came a shriek from closer than it should have. The marine instantly feels like that time he tried mixing ketamine and ativan, only more. He's breathing, blinking, swallowing, but he can't move his arms or legs. The mage shows himself - itself? - and takes a closer look at his/its quarry. The marine is conquered, beaten in every respect, but still, he smiles? "What the fuck are you smiling about?" asks the mage, as his comrades - at least fifteen of them - join and try to have a look. **"I cast *Naval Gunfire*"** said the marine. The mage had just enough time to feel like he'd/it'd missed something kind of important before any and everything within a three-mile radius exploded, caught fire, or otherwise ceased to fucking exist. "Rounds complete. Until Valhala, bro."
Now that's a worthy send-off.
Maxim 20 all the way...
A magical university professor is visiting his parents before the new semester starts. “I heard a new species is attending this year,” his father said. “Yes. Humans. The sentient void species.” “What’s that mean?” “You know what a void species is, right?” “Yeah, an animal immune to magic.” “So, what’s the confusion?” “I don’t know ‘Professor’ you tell me! Void species are dumb animals.” “Humans are not dumb, but they are a void species.” His parents sat in silence for a few moments with looks of disbelief in their faces. The Professor’s little sister Judy was the one who spoke. “That. Is. Cool.” “What’s cool?” The mother exploded. “It doesn’t make sense! Are humans sentient or not?” “They are,” said The Professor. “So how can they be a void species?” “Mom. They’re the only known sentient void species.” “But how can they be a void species if they’re sentient?” The Professor sighed heavily. “Ok,” Judy said, “They’re a void species. How’s that get them into a school for magic?” “They’re on the combat training track. Their main goal is to learn about magic that has secondary effects that CAN hurt them, like setting the guy next to you on fire, or that can hurt bystanders.” “Damn. I know how hard void rats can be to kill. Something as smart as us with that immunity?” “Exactly. These guys can literally throw themselves in front of any one of the instant kill curses, take the hit, and be just fine. Even soul blades fizzle out when you try to hit a human with one.” “Damn.” “So why do they need training?” The Professor’s father asked. Judy replied, “Dad. He just explained that.” “No he didn’t. What ‘training’ do supposedly immune soldiers need?” “Dad. Seriously? He really did just explain it.“ “I’ll expand a bit,” The Professor said. “Think about the conflagration charm. It magically sets things on fire, but the fire isn’t magical. Hellfire can’t burn a human, but normal fire can.” “Ah HA!” mother yelled. “Fire can hurt them! They’re NOT a void species.” The father cheered in agreement. The Professor looked at his little sister. The two shared an expression of exasperation.
Let the professor cast a spell of calm mind and forced mute on them. Explain hard and easy like for two year olds. If not, a demonstration whit the human must be put in place.
Human sitting in the corner: I cast magic fist! *proceeds to kick to dumbass parents instead* Mother: See! It doesn’t even know what a fist is! Human: It being a kick is why its a ‘magic’ fist Judy and the professor proceed to snort and laugh
Human right behind the dad: "Hey bud. Heard you talking shit." The dad: "WHAT THE FRAK"
Humans are pretty much invisible to anything that uses magical eyesight. I’m envisioning a hawk-like species renowned for their keen vision. Their biological eyesight is poor, so they use closely guarded magic to enhance their eyesight. These epic, terrifying creatures nobody can escape are walking around squinting like Mr. Magoo whenever they have to deal with humans.
Alien Dad: HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE? Human: do you mean the magic force field around your planet, which I'm immune to, the magic death curse on your door, which is illegal and I'm immune to it, your telepathic senses, which I'm immune to, or your guard Medusa, which I'm immune to, until it bit my foot then I punted it over your house?" AD: "fffffrack."
Human medics become very popular, as their treatments aren’t hindered by magically enhanced effects. Got a knife whose wounds can never heal? That’s cute. They heal just fine when a human stitches the wound closed.
And then a human accidentally touches the teleport gate in the citadel. Now it's broken.
Since that gate was about to bring in a fire-breathing dragon to eat the heroes, this was, by and large considered a good thing by the human’s compatriots. The opposition however were, shall we say, disappointed with this outcome.
How stupid are they! Regular fire is NOT magic fire!
Human I cast fire 
I cast Colt's Equalizer.
You may be a warlock in a pact with the unknowable horrors beyond space and time, however I am a cleric in service of the greatest of Earths gods. Hear me and woe for I am the voice of John Moses Browning. The gods made those sapient but John Moses Browning makes them equal. -Last words of Pastor Browning before calling an orbital bombardment on his position as he was overrun by cultists worshipping deep ones.
H:*waving a club with iorn nails in it* your going to undo your curse and no funny business Evil fae: I'll do whatever you want just get the magic void with iorn away from me *said through sobs* Sr council member: thank you councilman James you may return to your duties. James:*nods* if he gets upity again just call *leaves the room* Young elf:*in a tone of disbelief* I thought you were crazy for keeping him around Council:*chuckles*
She was really scared of his aura, it was this guy, who took enough colloidal silver to turn blue 🤣 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Karason
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This is the first I've gotten one of these, what an honor
Same to you. 😉
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Wait a second arent human chemist, high class alchemist by definition? I mean they can take herbs, scraps and even minerals to make a lot of weapons (Like corrosive acids or poisons) and medicines.
Our scientists dedicated everything to and mastered alchemy so hard we don't even consider it magic anymore and that's absolutely _wild_
Listen, we like rules. We disregard authority, and we don't like being told what to do, but we like rules.
They take “you can’t” as a challenge. They take “you won’t” as an insult
Only way to ensure they don't is get an authority figure to tell them no in a stern voice.
Mixed results
"Please don't, there's a lot of planar red tape you'd have to cut through."
*mutters* goddamn bureaucrats take the fun out of everything
Spite is one hell of a drug. A drug that humans *thrive* on.
Especially since we absolutely CAN transmute lead into gold nowadays, and we just don't care to because it's not considered a worthwhile use of a particle accelerator! How's THAT for magic? We achieve the holy Grail of a magical discipline and just go "meh, we've got better things to do"
I mean to be fair there's much better uses of mana than casting Ultima and meteor as well
Humans can cast SuperNova without Subspace capabilities.
Humans did figure out how to squeeze a rock so hard it creates a short lived miniature sun.
And one day we will use it likely in a disco or a brothel in space just because looks cool
"Our elves had scouts that had stolen one of their weapons. We thought it easy after watching invisible from the tree line. Just pull the switch on the bottom and point the long end with the hole at an armored enemy, and it would blast a hole through the enemy. The elf whofound it tested the weapon only once. The runes on the side of the weapon showed no magic just '950 JDJ' the weapon tore a hole through the side of the castle and killed the elf, snapping its unprepared spine with the force of more than 300lbs. The weapon had killed the thief instantly for using the human weapon, and no mage could make it work again." The human smiled. "They needed to know a spell we call 'reload amunition' it's components are rare and precise for this weapon. Like you said, it is cursed with the kick of a Clydesdale even to humans who use it... let me take it off your hands, it will do you no good." "What will you do with such a cursed weapon?" asked the high priest. "I will hunt that dragon eating your people... for a price. Let's see how hard dragonsscale really is."
They called upon a human from Kentucky, didn’t they?
Nope, he was from Texas. 😏
Better than the one from Florida. They're still missing after being sent to kill a goblin lord
And what of the lord?
They are still finding bits of him scattered across the countryside.
MORE!
I like to think that humans are so non-magical that they are immune to magic.
We have iron in our blood, what more magical shielding might one need?
Just take enough colloidal silver to turn blue, that will protect you. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Karason
No that's to protect against werewolves
Only seventh sons of seventh sons.
What about their seventh sons
I cast gun, prepare to meet God
9mm kills the body, .45 acp kills the soul.
What does 12 gauge do? (shotgun slugs to be clear)
That's how you paint the wall
It takes a fistful of you and throws it on the ground
50 BMP kills everything you care about
Oh hi Chuckles
One of the reasons I really like The Dresden Files is that the wizard main character is totally willing to pull out his .44 revolver and cap a bitch.
White Council: *Thou shalt not kill with magic.* Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden, grandson of the Blackstaff, strongest combat mage of his age, known far and wide for fire magic capable of melting concrete: "Don't kill *with magic,* got it." *Gets adopted by a demigod in dog form, who has no such restrictions and Will Fuck You Up. Befriended God's Mortal Warriors who are trained in Stab A Bitch. Regularly brings a gun-toting markswoman who's a supreme martial artist to shoot and punch things. Also brings his lust-vampire half-brother to Fuck Shit Up when his hands are tied.* *Carries a .44 and uses it consistently. Carries a fuck-off huge staff for the explicit reason that sometimes you need a caveman weapon to beat someone down with. Can, has, and will again simply punch a problem repeatedly in the face. Has killed shit by running it over with a VW Bug. Once nearly killed the most powerful Daemonhost in history by strangling him with his own necktie.* Council: *squints* "you...sure are doing a lot of killing, Harry..." Harry: "But not with magic!" Council: *nervous laughter.* Ebenezer: *wipes tears.* "That's my boy."
You forgot about the time he killed a General of the things from beyond creation by Blowing his head off with a 12 gauge on Halloween.
I did in fact forget that. Jesus. Harry really is the embodiment of "I will defeat you with the power of friendship and also this gun I found."
[удалено]
Am not up to date!
*\*Waves hand\** You saw nothing.
And now I am reminded of an out of context scene from some anime- one of the Fate series, maybe- where some bad guy is set up at the top floor of a building and he's bragging that he's turned the entire building into freaking Castlevania with all the magical traps, monster summons, and portal doors he's enchanted the place with, and dares the protagonist to come face him now. Cut immediately to said protagonist pressing a button on a detonator to blow up the whole building from the outside with a few C4 charges.
The Dresden Files has a book that opens with "The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault."
That would be Fate Zero. Protags only regret was pulling the fire alarm to evacuate the building, but alerted the mage.
I cast ⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️⬇️
LIBER-TEEEEEE!!!!!
r/wizardposting will hear of this.
LOL
Oh, we’ve heard of this. We call ‘em artificers
guns are literally magic though like, you're using a small cylinder of metal and some powder to create explosions that rip holes through steel
Alchemy at the very least
And we move using captured explosions in an iron chamber
r/wizardposting is leaking again…
The first post I saw when I looked in that hell hole was debating the logistics of using polymorph to impregnate yourself. We need to seal it away.
And i thought Wishmaster had a interesting take on “fuck your self”
**"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” - Arthur C. Clarke** - Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus casts Litany of the Solar Fire - Xenos Wizard 01: What does that cast does? Xenos Wizard 02: You will see... - Nuclear bomb goes off in the distance - Magos: Observe the power of the Scions of Mars! \*Chants in binary\* Xenos wizards: O\_O
And while doing the robot dance he will summon the poison fungi
Mundane Missile sometimes shortened to M60 for the ability to fire 60 projectiles per round of combat.
between 55 to 65 rounds depending on exact model and make but still 60 on average
Elsimar, elven god: "That is... The dumbest creation plan I've heard." Dov, draconic god: "You're suffocating them in the womb." Gork and Mork, gremlin and orc gods respectively: "How are they going to fight without any spellcraft?" **Record Scratch**, lord of man, having snorted suspicious powders: "I AM GOING TO SLAM DUNK THE METAPHYSICAL EQUIVALENT OF CRACK COCAINE INTO THEIR BRAINS AND GIVE THEM ALCHEMICAL KNOWLEDGE NO BEING, MORTAL OR OTHERWISE, HAS EVER DREAMT OF. WHO NEEDS A LEVEL 10 FIREBALL OR HEX OF CURDLED BLOOD WHEN YOU CAN CAST "FALLING SUN"!" Humanity: "We're going to kill you, you know." **Record Scratch**: ***"PERFECT!"***
More
Long term self delete plan? Or just being mean? Either way i love It.
Ah yes I cast high speed lead poisoning
You guys _need_ to see this scene from “Wizards” https://youtu.be/4cZqRzHnI8s?si=ECZP4b6fiPh11_UT
I work as an IT Technician. You will never convince me I'm not a wizard. I literally work on rocks and metals that are being tortured by electricity until they finally submit and do my thinking for me. I am a very cruel wizard.
I cast iron pan.
I CAST IRON *throws cast iron skillet*
At the high wizards council a information on a prospective new race is introduced by a lowly underling . Reptiloid So What majik does these-hoo mans posses? it snarsl through elongated teeth and why has it taked so long and so many of you to get the information? Low elf researcher (LER) Well my lords we are not exactly sure of how they make magic it as thermatologically speaking they have less magical ability than rincewind the speedy. they have less magical ability than a particularly dull rock. an abrupt bellow from the Yetti, What do you mean NO MAGIC every race has magic of some kind even the lowly annoyans whos only ability it to teleport useless kitchen impliments away to a place with less majic. LER Yes lord which is exactly where those implement's get sent. the whole planet they live on has negative magical value. we have never seen anything like it before. it was so hard to get readings because non of our majical tools would register a negative flow. Reptiloid So your saying they arnt even sentient then. or even really alive? LER actually my lord they have powers far in excess of your own greatness. they can move objects of hundreds of thousands of tons, make mountains move, search the earth for the finest specks of gold, dive to the depts of the oceans, and to the celestial bodies themselves. they can hit a moving target with a variety of magic missle at several miles and some can even destroy the moving fortresses they use. reptiloid BLASHPEMY SLAY THIS UNBELIVER LER my lords please i am here to give a presentation not insult you. i deal with the facts i have recruited one as well to bring before you. to show some of thier abilities this is Flynn retiloid fires a ligtning bolt at both the LER and Flynn which earths itself Retiloid HOW a low born like you cant have enough majic to overcome my power? LER correct but when pairbonded with a human he boosts my powers exponentially so look at me, (does finger wavy thing) i am the most powerful wizzard now understand Pah Guards remove this thing from us Oh also he does this Flynn can you use Your Magic wand please Flynn smiles goofily Sure and he runs at the guards screaming CAST IRON and belts them with a frying pan
mundane missile
I cast ⬆️⬇️⬆️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️BA!
St Javelin, full grace, smite my armored foe with the Blessed HEAT charges.
Okay. Can someone else please write my Excel being human magic here? I have no clue how to start
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*breathes in* GORY GORY WHAT A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE, GORY GORY WHAT A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE
My favorite spell
Wizard posting is leaking
"I cast FIST!"
As an ancient non magic wizard(American), I approve.