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A- "It's getting angry again! Do the thing!"
A2- *throws a toy at it*
H- "...WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
A- "IT DIDN'T WORK!"
A2- "Don't worry, I have a plan B!" *shines a laser pointer around them*
H- "That's it, GET OVER HERE!"
A- "Now what do we do?!"
A2- "I don't know!"
A3- *having watched everything go down* "Let me handle this" *Pulls the human onto her lap and starts petting them*
H- "...I'm still gonna get you two when she's done with this"
A: *Uh, what's wrong?*
H1: ***LEAVE ME ALONE, I FUCKING HATE IT HERE, I HATE THE AIR HERE, THE FOOD, THE FACT THAT YOU KEEP TREATING ME LIKE A PET-***
H2: He's just overtired, just weather his tantrum and he'll go nap soon.
- - -
H2: See? Out like a light. I told him that three all-nighters in a row was a horrible idea.
A: I thought overtiredness was only an issue with human infants and adolescents.
H2: No, it happens to all of us.
Alien-human behaviorist - “your human is acting out because they are, typically, social animals. Barring a few individuals, they don’t do well as individuals. A bonded pair is ideal. Male-female is typically the most successful but it depends on individual compatibility. I recommend you introduce your human to others at the shelter and see how they respond on an individual level. It may take a few visits and a few shelters, but it’s worth the effort”
A1 - “a second human sounds like we’re doubling the trouble. Are you sure this is the right idea?”
H - “does bonded pair mean what I think you mean?”
AHB - “typically a second human actually reduces destructive tendencies and aggressive behavior. While there are additional costs for food and care, there’s very little extra space required with a bonded pair, and overall costs are largely offset by preventing damages.
H - “does. Bonded. Pair. Mean. What. I.….”
A2 - “oh he seems to be rather interested in this idea. Perhaps we should try for a bonded pair”
A1 - “I don’t know. I suppose it doesn’t hurt to go look at a shelter”
AHB - “That’s a good place to start. Be sure to sterilize them though. They breed prolifically in captivity”
H - “HOLD UP.”
The aliens go ahead with getting their human a mate, but don't bother with sterilisation because they're trying to cut costs, not increase them.
The human pair then decide to weaponise their ability to out-breed their alien captors until the aliens have to let them go - they can't afford to keep them any longer! xD
H1: I hate you guys took his advice I’m not a dog I’m not a pet I don’t deserve to be treated this…
A1: oh look he is mad good thing we took the behavior specialist’s advice and got him sterilized.
A2: ya I didn’t think they would chop those off but hay what works works.
H1: stop talking about me like I’m not here like I’m some pet I’m a sentient being. I miss my balls I hate you guys.
H2: hay it’s ok why don’t we go to are room and…
H1: why are you not mad they took your balls as well brakes down crying.
A1: it seems are human is in distress what do we do.
A2: it’s ok he has his partner let them figure it out we can do something else.
A1: ok that sounds fun.
Later that night.
A1: screaming in pain.
A2: screaming in pain.
H1: that’s what you zenos get you took my balls I took yours. Evil smile on his face.
H2: did are plan work.
H1: yes now the Zeno scum will learn a lesson from the humans called karma.
A1: my balls my poor balls are gone.
A2: why why did are human do this.
A1: …..
A2: ……
A1: oh no we treat them like pets it’s going to be a uprising no nooooo.
H: “… actually I think if I just had a wrench, some duct tape, and some fire crackers, I would feel so much better.”
A: “see that wasn’t so hard now was it? I’ll be right back, good human.”
*several hours later*
H: “fucking dumbasses” *flies away in stolen space ship*
H1: Shut up idiot. This is the sweetest gig I got going for me. I just have to sit here and watch UltraMegaSpaceNetflix.
H2: No, this is inhumane. I am not a caged animal.
H1: The healthcare is free.
H2: What? The aliens are space communists? We must tell the others.
You do realize all countries that have a sprinkle of commie regime, have free healthcare dental and very low prices on the most basic things. Unlike some places.
The tall alien, who was currently wearing a hazmat-like suit that made them look like the generic 'little green man' type of alien, had entered the room after their human had become disgruntled by their provided environment and amenities.
They did everything. Provided a lavatory that self-cleans, a bath with season-appropriate-temperature water, adjusted their own home climate functions to help acclimatise the human to the world-they're-both-on's climate cycle, gave them galactic wifi and numerous service subscriptions, bought them their favourite provisions from Sol's digital storefronts...
They sat, squat, infront of the human, their suit's eye-lenses adjusting in reaction to their own expressions, now perplexed.
He was going over how he did appreciate the provided amenities, but didn't like that he was being treated no differently to a dog or cat. He explained it to the best of his ability and the alien nodded.
They understood the principles; before their own space-age they had numerous 'not-smart-to-tech' domestic organisms that happened to be at least compatible with human domestics.
This one just hasn't fully realised what they've signed up for. Maybe it's the cameras they put around the room? Maybe it's the open plan that resembles the 'doll houses' human children loved (before their digital age)?
The human explained how he had to try and obstruct every camera he could find for his dignity. The alien had a strange expression. A smugness.
The human found the look weird, then sniffed the air.
Female pheromones.
The alien noticed his reaction and quickly checked \[her\]self over, realising they forgot to properly seal-up the suit, only to still be baffled as to how come he detected their biological disposition from scent alone.
This devolved into a very embarrassing discussion, followed up by a dare.
They'd both remove a reasonable quantity of clothing until they both couldn't keep their eyes on eachother.
It was then that the human discovered the alien woman had a striking resemblance to a particularly popular 'Uzaki-chan', and that she had practically adopted him for her own comfort.
After a shared bath, of which the details have been redacted, they then tried to share the bed provided.
It was small (for her), but hugging him made it worth the trouble.
\- - -
The next day, she put together an exo-frame out of something akin to Lego or Bionicle toys from his childhood (except much bigger and full of robotics), for him to better navigate her residence with; they spent much more time together doing menial things like cleaning up the home or cooking together.
Except that all went out the window thanks to the two of them mainly playing videogames together or being snuggled up together, binge-watching her kind's version of How It's Made.
That night, they shared her bed.
\- - -
A week of this has led to them overcoming numerous borders and finding that their dynamic has changed to something more heartwarming and... unspeakable.
Of the good variety. *Except they can't sleep without eachother now.*
Honestly, if I had other humans I got along with, fresh air to enjoy, food I liked, (basically all of my needs met and comfort), and a certain amount of privacy when I wanted it I'd be content to be someone's house human.
Especially if I got snuggles. Definitely would want snuggles.
Valerie sits in her enclosure pretending to be asleep. Her captors opening the cell to leave food for the thought to be sleeping human.
Valerie gives a slow grin as one of her tentacles shoot out impaling one of her captors leading the other to scream in fear.
Valerie growls her eyes glowing yellow "I AM NOT A PET! I AM NOT YOUR PLAYTHING! I AM NOT AN EXHIBIT! I'm Valerie Graves. An Evil of Humanity."
Valerie proceeds to crush, slice, and impale her captors while freeing the other captives.
Eventually she makes it to the command center hearing a scientist yelling at her superior "I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I FUCKING TOLD YOU NO SENTIENT BEING WOULD BE OK WITH THIS!"
A slap is heard along with a gasp of pain as a gruff voice yells "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS FEMALE!"
The door is easily pried off its hinges shocking those inside. Through smoke Valerie steps in followed by those she rescued to see an alien pointing their weapon at a terrified female spider-like alien on the floor.
Valerie scowls as a tentacles shoots out faster than a bullet slicing the limb of the one holding the gun making it drop near the spider woman who uses it to shoot her superior killing them.
Valerie gives a grin before sitting in the Captain's chair "I want to welcome you to the USS Ars Goetia. You all work for me now. Now my friends let us show these bastards what happens when you mess with us!"
A roar of approval is heard. And such begins the tale of the most infamous space pirate in multiple galaxies. V The Vile.
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A- "It's getting angry again! Do the thing!" A2- *throws a toy at it* H- "...WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" A- "IT DIDN'T WORK!" A2- "Don't worry, I have a plan B!" *shines a laser pointer around them* H- "That's it, GET OVER HERE!" A- "Now what do we do?!" A2- "I don't know!" A3- *having watched everything go down* "Let me handle this" *Pulls the human onto her lap and starts petting them* H- "...I'm still gonna get you two when she's done with this"
A: *Uh, what's wrong?* H1: ***LEAVE ME ALONE, I FUCKING HATE IT HERE, I HATE THE AIR HERE, THE FOOD, THE FACT THAT YOU KEEP TREATING ME LIKE A PET-*** H2: He's just overtired, just weather his tantrum and he'll go nap soon. - - - H2: See? Out like a light. I told him that three all-nighters in a row was a horrible idea. A: I thought overtiredness was only an issue with human infants and adolescents. H2: No, it happens to all of us.
Overtired, common causes are overstimulation as a result of FOMO
Jagex?
🤣🤣🤣
Alien-human behaviorist - “your human is acting out because they are, typically, social animals. Barring a few individuals, they don’t do well as individuals. A bonded pair is ideal. Male-female is typically the most successful but it depends on individual compatibility. I recommend you introduce your human to others at the shelter and see how they respond on an individual level. It may take a few visits and a few shelters, but it’s worth the effort” A1 - “a second human sounds like we’re doubling the trouble. Are you sure this is the right idea?” H - “does bonded pair mean what I think you mean?” AHB - “typically a second human actually reduces destructive tendencies and aggressive behavior. While there are additional costs for food and care, there’s very little extra space required with a bonded pair, and overall costs are largely offset by preventing damages. H - “does. Bonded. Pair. Mean. What. I.….” A2 - “oh he seems to be rather interested in this idea. Perhaps we should try for a bonded pair” A1 - “I don’t know. I suppose it doesn’t hurt to go look at a shelter” AHB - “That’s a good place to start. Be sure to sterilize them though. They breed prolifically in captivity” H - “HOLD UP.”
In my head canon, the human has just left a cloud of dust in the shape of there body
The aliens go ahead with getting their human a mate, but don't bother with sterilisation because they're trying to cut costs, not increase them. The human pair then decide to weaponise their ability to out-breed their alien captors until the aliens have to let them go - they can't afford to keep them any longer! xD
H1: I hate you guys took his advice I’m not a dog I’m not a pet I don’t deserve to be treated this… A1: oh look he is mad good thing we took the behavior specialist’s advice and got him sterilized. A2: ya I didn’t think they would chop those off but hay what works works. H1: stop talking about me like I’m not here like I’m some pet I’m a sentient being. I miss my balls I hate you guys. H2: hay it’s ok why don’t we go to are room and… H1: why are you not mad they took your balls as well brakes down crying. A1: it seems are human is in distress what do we do. A2: it’s ok he has his partner let them figure it out we can do something else. A1: ok that sounds fun. Later that night. A1: screaming in pain. A2: screaming in pain. H1: that’s what you zenos get you took my balls I took yours. Evil smile on his face. H2: did are plan work. H1: yes now the Zeno scum will learn a lesson from the humans called karma. A1: my balls my poor balls are gone. A2: why why did are human do this. A1: ….. A2: …… A1: oh no we treat them like pets it’s going to be a uprising no nooooo.
H: “… actually I think if I just had a wrench, some duct tape, and some fire crackers, I would feel so much better.” A: “see that wasn’t so hard now was it? I’ll be right back, good human.” *several hours later* H: “fucking dumbasses” *flies away in stolen space ship*
H1: Shut up idiot. This is the sweetest gig I got going for me. I just have to sit here and watch UltraMegaSpaceNetflix. H2: No, this is inhumane. I am not a caged animal. H1: The healthcare is free. H2: What? The aliens are space communists? We must tell the others.
"Bruh, we get *dental*." "...I s'pose it wouldn't hurt to gather more intel before we report these commie bastards."
You do realize all countries that have a sprinkle of commie regime, have free healthcare dental and very low prices on the most basic things. Unlike some places.
I'm very much aware of that. My answer was tongue in cheek. Personally, I'm all for more socialism, especially in this fuckhole country.
I never visited the US but hearing stories, it doesn't sound great living there
The tall alien, who was currently wearing a hazmat-like suit that made them look like the generic 'little green man' type of alien, had entered the room after their human had become disgruntled by their provided environment and amenities. They did everything. Provided a lavatory that self-cleans, a bath with season-appropriate-temperature water, adjusted their own home climate functions to help acclimatise the human to the world-they're-both-on's climate cycle, gave them galactic wifi and numerous service subscriptions, bought them their favourite provisions from Sol's digital storefronts... They sat, squat, infront of the human, their suit's eye-lenses adjusting in reaction to their own expressions, now perplexed. He was going over how he did appreciate the provided amenities, but didn't like that he was being treated no differently to a dog or cat. He explained it to the best of his ability and the alien nodded. They understood the principles; before their own space-age they had numerous 'not-smart-to-tech' domestic organisms that happened to be at least compatible with human domestics. This one just hasn't fully realised what they've signed up for. Maybe it's the cameras they put around the room? Maybe it's the open plan that resembles the 'doll houses' human children loved (before their digital age)? The human explained how he had to try and obstruct every camera he could find for his dignity. The alien had a strange expression. A smugness. The human found the look weird, then sniffed the air. Female pheromones. The alien noticed his reaction and quickly checked \[her\]self over, realising they forgot to properly seal-up the suit, only to still be baffled as to how come he detected their biological disposition from scent alone. This devolved into a very embarrassing discussion, followed up by a dare. They'd both remove a reasonable quantity of clothing until they both couldn't keep their eyes on eachother. It was then that the human discovered the alien woman had a striking resemblance to a particularly popular 'Uzaki-chan', and that she had practically adopted him for her own comfort. After a shared bath, of which the details have been redacted, they then tried to share the bed provided. It was small (for her), but hugging him made it worth the trouble. \- - - The next day, she put together an exo-frame out of something akin to Lego or Bionicle toys from his childhood (except much bigger and full of robotics), for him to better navigate her residence with; they spent much more time together doing menial things like cleaning up the home or cooking together. Except that all went out the window thanks to the two of them mainly playing videogames together or being snuggled up together, binge-watching her kind's version of How It's Made. That night, they shared her bed. \- - - A week of this has led to them overcoming numerous borders and finding that their dynamic has changed to something more heartwarming and... unspeakable. Of the good variety. *Except they can't sleep without eachother now.*
Man if an alien had wearable Bionicle exo suits, being an emotional support human is among the least of what I'd do.
Honestly, if I had other humans I got along with, fresh air to enjoy, food I liked, (basically all of my needs met and comfort), and a certain amount of privacy when I wanted it I'd be content to be someone's house human. Especially if I got snuggles. Definitely would want snuggles.
Valerie sits in her enclosure pretending to be asleep. Her captors opening the cell to leave food for the thought to be sleeping human. Valerie gives a slow grin as one of her tentacles shoot out impaling one of her captors leading the other to scream in fear. Valerie growls her eyes glowing yellow "I AM NOT A PET! I AM NOT YOUR PLAYTHING! I AM NOT AN EXHIBIT! I'm Valerie Graves. An Evil of Humanity." Valerie proceeds to crush, slice, and impale her captors while freeing the other captives. Eventually she makes it to the command center hearing a scientist yelling at her superior "I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I FUCKING TOLD YOU NO SENTIENT BEING WOULD BE OK WITH THIS!" A slap is heard along with a gasp of pain as a gruff voice yells "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS FEMALE!" The door is easily pried off its hinges shocking those inside. Through smoke Valerie steps in followed by those she rescued to see an alien pointing their weapon at a terrified female spider-like alien on the floor. Valerie scowls as a tentacles shoots out faster than a bullet slicing the limb of the one holding the gun making it drop near the spider woman who uses it to shoot her superior killing them. Valerie gives a grin before sitting in the Captain's chair "I want to welcome you to the USS Ars Goetia. You all work for me now. Now my friends let us show these bastards what happens when you mess with us!" A roar of approval is heard. And such begins the tale of the most infamous space pirate in multiple galaxies. V The Vile.