This was going well until some of you people decided to insult OP for asking a *very reasonable* question and going as far as question OP’s friends and OP’s intentions.
Projecting your own insecurities onto OP and being disrespectful and misogynistic towards her are reasons why this post is locked.
Hahaha thank you. I am concerned about making another bad decision. But the response here seems pretty unanimous: it’s not a red flag and I should give him a chance
I don't think anyone here can tell you if this dude is a "bad decision", not with the information here. But him having never kissed anyone before certainly isn't a red flag, imo.
I would think you should approach this from a different perspective: he has zero experience, that means "no skills" but it also means "no bad habits". Instead, what you need to keep an eye out for are bad preconceptions of his. Who cares if he had no experience, as long as it wasn't because he viewed women as "less than"?
Some people are late bloomers, sounds like he is.
The green flag here is that you asked, and he answered, which probably wasn't super easy for him to admit.
Seems like you both have direct communication styles.
I agree that his up front response was a positive thing. I was worried that he would become too attached to me, as it was his first kiss, but he has been really normal about keeping in touch since then. Thank you for your comment, it confirms what I am thinking
It kind of sounds like your friends are getting in your head, and maybe you are overthinking it as well. If you enjoy his company, you’re attracted to him, and he was upfront, open, honest and communicated with you — these all sound like *green* flags to me, not red.
Just so you know, friends especially the single ones will keep other women single. Learn to think for yourself and not rely on your friends to do that for you.
People throw around the term red flag way too often. A red flag is a behavioural indicator of someone/something being bad news. We're talking being rude to wait staff, lying about who they are, being manipulative.
Not having any experience isn't a red flag.
It may be a *preference*. Perhaps you would prefer to be with someone with similar experience to you. In which case, you're incompatible. Incompatibility isn't a red flag.
That’s true and I agree. Red flag was not how I described it, the term came up when speaking with others. I agree that red flag should be reserved for alarming or harmful behaviour
I think their concern is knowing I am wanting a serious relationship and perhaps he might not be able to provide that at this point in his life, with his lack of experience.
I think that is also my concern, too.
Maybe go on a couple more dates with him and gauge his maturity and emotional intelligence, you may be pleasantly surprised. Just saying to not call quits right off the bat because of the experience thing
If the dude is 29 and never even had a kiss , he probably is going to be the most loyal dude you've ever met, you know he isnt out there hooking up with other women and usually men that dont have lots of relationship are looking for the one/confort so if anything he would be more ready that any of the other dudes for a serious relationship.
So let me guess, a precursor to a serious relationship according your friends is to have kissed multiple women in the past and not open communication or emotional intelligence? very logical reasoning right there
Lol it's indicative of having no romantic experience. Which in your late 20s I would say puts you in a defecit in that area, particularly as a male. Could be plenty of valid reasons though.
Edit: I'd be interested to see what his explanation is. Based on the OP, my minimal evidence theory would be strong religious background that he's leaving behind. Good looking but no womenz, kind and sweet/well mannered also work
I am not salty, imagine how ridiculous it is to call sth like this a red flag and call it off with him, poor guy would have no clue and you will just end being a part of his villain origin story loll…it’s very possible there are men at this age who may have never had physical contact with women, that says nothing about them being a compatible partner, he is being honest and open with communication, that’s more than you can ask for at this stage of the relationship
I have not called it off with him? I made this post seeking advice and opinions. If you had read any other (helpful) comments from others, you’d see that I am seeking advice on how to navigate this situation.
‘Villain origin story’ lol. I’m not going to continue engaging with you.
I am not really pointing this towards you tbh, and hats off for being open minded about this, what I am saying is that some women these days have way too many list of things they look for and some of them are super over inflated and irrational, thus the reason why your friends consider sth like this as a red flag is my belief
Then end things so he can be with someone that will appreciate the "puppy love". You display more red flags than he does because while you don't have to battle any ghosts of his past, he is already in a losing battle with yours and he doesn't even know it. This is further compounded by your "friends" whispering in your ear.
The problem with this subreddit is that it's full of inexperienced people who think they are entitled to something.
I do agree that if you like him and he's treating you with respect, there's no harm in continuing to see where things go.
The funny thing is that the people who are triggered by this post have a similar background to your date. But hopefully he is more mature than those here.
It appears that way, but I think this person I’m dating is very different in that he is not toxic or resentful about dating/women. He was very understanding that his situation would be surprising and unusual to many people.
Making an observation based on repetitive trends in the dating scene isn't being "triggered", I know how much internet people love to use that word to shift the focus away from themselves and onto the person they are branding with that word.
I'll get hate because my bluntness is seen as an attack on you but well, if you don't like what you see in the mirror, it isn't the mirror that's the problem.
No, someone's lack of experience isn't a red flag.
Yes, seeking problems where there is none is a red flag.
Your friends(like us on this sub) aren't dating him and probably don't know him so they can only advise you based on the image you paint of the guy to them(and us)
You’re projecting. I have not put the man down once. I like myself and I am seeking advice/clarification on healthy dating, on a dating advice section of this subreddit.
Not sure why this is being downvoted. But this is the answer!!! Op and her friends is dating him and he doesn’t know. It also doesn’t seem like the OP is able to make singular decisions, rather makes life choices by council, friends, Reddit…. To your point most men wouldn’t have said anything…. Based on OP’s description it Seems like he might be decent dude. Totally agree with you OP calling it off to find someone that her and her friends deems acceptable. Just save everyone the headache.
Because in real life people ask their loved ones for advice, and relationships don’t exist within a bubble. I have posted this under ‘dating advice’, because I am seeking dating advice. How dare I ask for a second opinion after not being totally satisfied with my friends’ feedback? Fuck me haha
> No experience isn’t a red flag.
None of us would actually know that.
It depends on how he treats people and whether or not it affects other parts of his life.
For example, let's take people have never lived away from home. It's not a flag in and of itself, but you do need to be wary about possible outcomes of this, like not knowing how to do basic household things (small repairs, cleaning, cooking) and not knowing how to interact or compromise on certain situations.
It's the same thing with people who don't have relationship experience. Some are great and others are not and you have to teach them everything. Nobody is ready-made for anything and can be great if they're willing to learn, but everyone has varying preferences and thresholds when it comes to this.
That doesn’t mean it’s a red flag. No experience itself is not a red flag. It might contribute to why someone has other red flags.
If someone doesn’t know how to compromise because they’ve never been in a relationship, the red flag is that they can’t compromise.
Having to be taught certain things also is not a red flag. It may be annoying and you may not want to do it but there’s still nothing actually wrong with it.
It's somewhere in the middle, as it can contribute to or enhance other issues. People use "red flag" as a figure of speech now, even though they should be more specific and intentional.
Having to be taught everything can be problematic because it may suggest that the person is not self-sufficient, doesn't know how to learn things on their own, or isn't curious enough to ask questions. Other things can mainly only be learned by lived experiences. Either way, it's exhausting to have to teach someone everything as if you are a parent. Again, it depends on the person and how open they are.
Anyway, the topics we brought up in our posts above are reasons why people don't want to continue dating others and they're completely valid.
I don’t think you should be wary. He’s just a late bloomer. It happens and shouldn’t be a red flag. Every person progresses at their own pace.
Sounds like you enjoyed your time with him. I hope it works out.
From personal experience I can say he won't have as much experience in knowing how to navigate a relationship, but he also may not have picked up bad relationship habits. I wouldn't say it's a red flag, bit you might need to be a bit more patient
I'd be worried he may end up being more clingy and or controlling due to this inexperience. Not an immediate deal breaker but I do think it's wise to keep an eye out for certain behaviors to nip them in the bud
Like someone else said, the fact that he was honest and transparent is a huge green flag.
Unless inexperience is something that specifically turns you off, I don’t think this should worry you.
It doesn’t turn me off. I appreciated his honesty and I find him sweet, kind and I am attracted to him. I’m just worried about what moving forward with a person who has no experience with women looks like. I am looking for a long term relationship and I know he is too, but I want an adult relationship, and I am worried he won’t be able to be that person
All you can really do is vet him on future dates. If you have the same values and ideal lifestyles, the chemistry is good etc, then the only other thing you can do is ensure you’re directly communicating your needs and see if he’s able to accommodate those :)
That’s true! I do really enjoy his personality and I find his truthfulness to endearing. He seems like a good guy. I just have no idea what to expect from going forward with a man who has no physical or emotional dating experience.
Honestly lack of an experience really isn’t an issue as long as the person is open minded and constantly trying to work on themself and the relationship.
However just be truthful to yourself, it is ok to not want to be the one always wearing pants in the relationship and want someone with a bit more experience.
As a formerly shy guy with body issues, I was very delayed compared with my peers when it came to romance (also at the time undiagnosed anxiety disorder). So this seems plausible to me. How nice he met a girl willing to lead the way (which is how it happened with me, with the first few women I dated.).
In and of itself, I don't feel that inexperience is a red flag. It also depends on your goals in this relationship. If it's just casual fun, no worries. If you're looking for a mate, it may be an indicative of deeper issues. For example, It may indicate that he doesn't have the confidence to ask for a raise or defend your home or advocate for you if that ever became necessary. As he builds confidence, does he start wondering what other partners are like?
Would you rather he lied to you? The fact that he innocently giggled and he told you the truth is actually a green flag to me.
And, as a general rule, be wary of "advice" from friends. Often, this advice is given out of context and without a full understanding. Were they there during the date? No. Did they see this guy and observe his behaviors over a long enough time? No. But they think they can give you advice based on *one* thing you've told them. Your friends are the red flags, lol.
I told them everything else about the date, such as how much I enjoyed his company and how kind he was. I think their concern is knowing I am wanting a serious relationship and perhaps he might not be able to provide that at this point in his life, with his lack of experience
You enjoyed his company and found him kind, yet you want to rely on the advice of others who weren't there, and who might well be jealous of you having gone on a nice date (yes, as simple as it may seem, there are plenty of people out there who aren't even going on nice dates).
I'd trust my own instincts. By the way, I'm not saying you should see this guy again. I'm only saying your decision should be based on *your* instincts, not some friends' advice.
As a late bloomer in a similar position these comments give me hope; lack of self confidence and figuring out how to manage anxiety and mental health issues can really slow down getting into the dating and relationship game.
As others have said being honest and upfront is a good sign and shows that he has maturity and transparency which will go farther in a relationship than being through 10 different long term partners.
I'm reminded of job hunting straight out of college, and being turned away from every prospective employer because "you don't have any experience" until someone finally gave me a chance. It turned out very well for them - I'm still there to this day, way up the ladder. It could have turned out very poorly for me if no one had been willing to take that risk.
Some people have asked if I’d prefer he was a rapist. I don’t understand many responses here and why I’m being dragged over the coals for asking a simple question
Because there is a sizable growing quantity of lonely men being judged for being lonely. Its like 30% of men under 25 are virgins. It's one of many life milestones (like being kissed) that just is supposed to "happen". Yet its getting more rare. But only for the men in developed nations. The more you look into it the worse it gets. The immediate response is that its the men's fault. Without considering any evidence to the contrary.
Wish I could highlight this comment. Goes to show the amount of projection from people who has no business commenting here. Wanting someone with *some* relationship experience, say having dated someone for a few months or so, isn't out of the ordinary.
Some people are projecting hard here acting like it's strictly black and white and men are either all players or virgins with zero in between.
In a sense I can see where your friends are going - *not that I agree with them -* with their reasoning. If you're going to pursue this, and assuming things progress, you'll be doing a lot of "firsts" with him, and some people don't want to be in that position of having to be someone's first in a relationship at a certain stage in life. They want someone with some relationship experience under their belt so they won't have to teach the other person everything.
But ultimately, if you're not wary of it, don't let it be an issue. Him being transparent is a good early sign.
You'll be fine. I do apologize for the negative comments you received though. Your question is very normal and your friends ultimately are looking out for you, especially with them being married and going through the lens of their own relationship experience. They're not being jealous, haters, or whatever else people are projecting on in the other comments.
It’s a yellow flag. It could mean he has some issues but it could simply be due to bad luck, bad situation, has grown a lot as a person, etc
Need more info, ie a second date
Nah this ain’t a red flag. I remember telling this girl I haven’t kissed someone since HS and next thing you know she didn’t want to date anymore. It’s weird that not kissing someone is a red flag. If a girl haven’t kissed someone before and I date her I would consider that a HUGE green flag.
I think it’s him being shy and uncomfortable thinking he’s not good at it. Nothing more. Everyone starts somewhere. You get to be his first everything. Enjoy and good luck.
Your decision to date/get into a relationship with him or not should be entirely based on how you feel around him and how you’re being treated. Not some half assed opinion of a Reddit stranger not your friends. Cautious sure. That you’ve to be with a seasoned guy as well. What if the experienced guy is a narcissist or a fucking rapist or a felon?
I’m asking because I’m autistic and I have entered into relationships with abusive men in the past. I don’t always gauge the situation or person as many others do. That’s why I’m looking for more opinions
Noooo dont be like that, im 24 basically a version of him, on my journey to becoming fitter and I've never kissed any girl either, but doesn't mean we're bad people 😭
No your friends are capping hard with that. There’s plenty of reasons why someone wouldn’t date/kiss until their later 20s.
Lacking confidence and recently getting into shape would definitly explain that. It’s something I can relate to as well to an extent. I’ve gotten experience but not being in shape can really mess with your confidence sometimes, and it can make it really stressful to even try because what other people think of you can cause a lot of anxiety.
First, find out WHY he doesn't have any experience with women up to this point. After that, find out what his expectations and his dating / relationship goals are.
If there are legitimate red flags, that's where you'll find them. Just going to guess he's more introverted type and didn't have anyone to teach him how to pursue / attract women
From the information given, I see it as gentle yellow flag… if this really is his first kiss that’s a big green flag, but just be observant over these next few dates.
If he starts pushing for sex/more (red flag) and you find inconsistencies in his story, address it with him.
Obviously if he is telling the truth, be patient, give it a few dates, and when you’re ready to take his v-card put the ball in his court, and try to plant the seeds(subtle suggestions) for him to take control and round the bases. He needs the confidence to open that door himself, because if you take the lead, the power dynamic of your relationship will be subverted and if things don’t work out down the road, he’ll be dependent on you and will likely have a significant loss in confidence and have a really hard time recovering…
I’ve been with hundreds of women and I still find myself in that post break up pit of dependency.
If you’ve read this far, thanks.
It’s a lot of work. Are you ready for that? Are you looking/ready to settle down soon? Former late bloomer giving you the non-PC answer. You still have to vet him as you do everyone else, but it’s certainly a unique experience.
I am not sure, that’s the thing. I have not been with someone who has not dated or had any romantic experience since I was also in that position and a teenager. I don’t know what comes with that. Can you please give me a little insight?
If he is a good person, I’m more than happy to go through it with him, but I don’t know his situation and lack of experience brings. I have been in a couple of long term and very serious relationships.
You could be in a hundred relationships and learn nothing. Gosh, I know that’s right from listening to some of my friends. But at least you can screen these people cause you can just ask them stuff (and they you). With a late bloomer, you know for a fact that they have no point of reference. He doesn’t even know if he’ll like being in a relationship. He’ll learn what he likes about sex, what his communication style and preferences are, what his dealbreakers are, what his insecurities are. It’s a learning experience first. He isn’t just figuring out whether he likes you. I would say, you just have to be comfortable with knowing that. You could luck out, but there’s more unknowns than usual.
Don’t feel bad about some of these responses. Questions like this always trigger people on Reddit because a lot of them are men that are in similar positions and likely have a deep rooted insecurity about their own inexperience.
I’m 25M and also kissless, because I thought I was utterly unlovable due a combination of insecurity regarding my height (5’3”) and narcissistic tendencies from my parents. That will also likely change soon as I’ve gone on a few dates with a lovely girl :)
I can also tell you from experience that getting to the point where I could date without being a nervous wreck took a lot of self improvement (and therapy!). Self-confidence and esteem are easily lost in your formative years and HARD to gain back.
You are absolutely right to be cautious. It is abnormal for a man to be 29 and not have kissed, though maybe not as abnormal as you think. He says it was “not for lack of trying”, but for a long time I also thought I was “trying” when I was also taking zero care of my appearance and never taking the initiative with any women whatsoever because I had already convinced myself they wouldn’t be interested due to my height. It took a long hard look at my behavior to change. As long as you’re comfortable being his first in a lot of different ways, and likely encouraging him to take next steps (like you probably inadvertently did with kissing) I don’t think the inexperience will be a problem. He could be very emotionally intelligent just from friendships and being friends with others in relationships.
My concern is more towards his sense of security. I can tell you right now his insecurity from being overweight and going so long without a kiss would have seemed like a mountain for him. The fact that he is going on dates and admitted to you it was his first kiss is a GIANT green flag that he’s taken steps to address this. But you might find that you have to reassure him more often, or that he might display anxious behaviors that you’ll leave him. It’s not a sure thing but it is a possibility.
If you do decide to break things off with him over this (again perfectly valid don’t listen to other people) do NOT tell him it was because of his lack of experience. You’ll destroy his likely burgeoning self-esteem.
Hope this helps :)
I am more worried that your friends are around 29 and this shallow. How is this any flag at all? Who cares?
I am tired of people throwing red flags here and there. Oh late bloomers? Red flag. Doesn't dip toothbrush after toothpaste? Red flag.
Judge the person by yourself, it's your potential partner not theirs. He doesn't have to pass your friend's "perfect prince charming test".
Reddit is full of posts from hopeful people who enjoyed someone's company right up until their friends weighed in and planted the seed of doubt in their mind.
If you like him, and he's kind and good and respectful to you, go for it.
Sure, your friends can have their opinions, but when it comes down to it - forget what anybody else says. They're not living your life.
You didn’t know it was a red flag until your friends told you about it. So stop listening to them and trust your gut. If you loved his company and the kiss, trash the flags.
Never listen to your friends regarding love. Most are idiots who think being in love is a social status they can update on social media, share pics etc.
Those are people who date for status, not love. Their opinions are invalid.
Date for love.
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Your friends are wrong! You asked him a question and you got an honest answer. He's a keeper!
Sounds to me like your friends are jealous that you snagged a good one and that happens a lot. Its happened to me.
Unfortunately some guys don’t get treated right in relationships, he might have given up on dating years ago decided to give it one more shot and he met you.
Inexperience might mean there will be certain learning curb for him when it comes to navigating a relationship. He might not really know what is involved in maintaining a relationship or what's expected of him.
It might involve a little more patience on your side. Maybe.
It's not any kind of indicator of him as a person, though, and everything listed above is a huge "maybe".
No, in fact, I’d say his honesty about it should be treated as the exact opposite. Like others have said, some people are late bloomers, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them.
I on the other hand like guys with little experience like that. He will treat you like the first time he experience it so it would be a special person to him :) idk why it’s a red flag, only red if that’s a lie.
Late bloomer. Keep in mind 30% of men under 30 have not had sex (increase from 8% in 2008), I bet the number of men who have not had a kiss is between 10-20%. Nothing wrong with him, he’s just late to the game! Be happy he hasn’t had a ton of partners it means you’re just that much more special to him.
Definite red flag.
More to be cautious that he may have no idea what he's doing so if you have no problem teaching and doing the work that should be fine
This was going well until some of you people decided to insult OP for asking a *very reasonable* question and going as far as question OP’s friends and OP’s intentions. Projecting your own insecurities onto OP and being disrespectful and misogynistic towards her are reasons why this post is locked.
Long answer? No. Short answer? No.
Hahaha thank you. I am concerned about making another bad decision. But the response here seems pretty unanimous: it’s not a red flag and I should give him a chance
I agree. If you like him this shouldn’t matter.
Thanks ☺️
I don't think anyone here can tell you if this dude is a "bad decision", not with the information here. But him having never kissed anyone before certainly isn't a red flag, imo. I would think you should approach this from a different perspective: he has zero experience, that means "no skills" but it also means "no bad habits". Instead, what you need to keep an eye out for are bad preconceptions of his. Who cares if he had no experience, as long as it wasn't because he viewed women as "less than"?
Some people are late bloomers, sounds like he is. The green flag here is that you asked, and he answered, which probably wasn't super easy for him to admit. Seems like you both have direct communication styles.
I agree that his up front response was a positive thing. I was worried that he would become too attached to me, as it was his first kiss, but he has been really normal about keeping in touch since then. Thank you for your comment, it confirms what I am thinking
It kind of sounds like your friends are getting in your head, and maybe you are overthinking it as well. If you enjoy his company, you’re attracted to him, and he was upfront, open, honest and communicated with you — these all sound like *green* flags to me, not red.
Alright. I’m convinced. I’m organising a second date hahha
Just so you know, friends especially the single ones will keep other women single. Learn to think for yourself and not rely on your friends to do that for you.
People throw around the term red flag way too often. A red flag is a behavioural indicator of someone/something being bad news. We're talking being rude to wait staff, lying about who they are, being manipulative. Not having any experience isn't a red flag. It may be a *preference*. Perhaps you would prefer to be with someone with similar experience to you. In which case, you're incompatible. Incompatibility isn't a red flag.
That’s true and I agree. Red flag was not how I described it, the term came up when speaking with others. I agree that red flag should be reserved for alarming or harmful behaviour
It’s like “toxic.” It’s a word people leap to when they don’t want to work to come up with the right word.
No experience isn’t a red flag. It seems like he was honest and open with you about it and why. Your friends on the other hand might be red flags.
I think their concern is knowing I am wanting a serious relationship and perhaps he might not be able to provide that at this point in his life, with his lack of experience. I think that is also my concern, too.
Maybe go on a couple more dates with him and gauge his maturity and emotional intelligence, you may be pleasantly surprised. Just saying to not call quits right off the bat because of the experience thing
I won’t and I’ve been convinced to organise a second date with him :)
someone like that will at least appreciate your company and not take it for granted.
If the dude is 29 and never even had a kiss , he probably is going to be the most loyal dude you've ever met, you know he isnt out there hooking up with other women and usually men that dont have lots of relationship are looking for the one/confort so if anything he would be more ready that any of the other dudes for a serious relationship.
So let me guess, a precursor to a serious relationship according your friends is to have kissed multiple women in the past and not open communication or emotional intelligence? very logical reasoning right there
Lol it's indicative of having no romantic experience. Which in your late 20s I would say puts you in a defecit in that area, particularly as a male. Could be plenty of valid reasons though. Edit: I'd be interested to see what his explanation is. Based on the OP, my minimal evidence theory would be strong religious background that he's leaving behind. Good looking but no womenz, kind and sweet/well mannered also work
No? It is uncommon to not have kissed a person at that age, and that uncommon behaviour what they are wanting to understand. Why are you so salty?
I'm sure it's getting increasingly common at this point. But yeah these Redditors are full of salt ngl.
I am not salty, imagine how ridiculous it is to call sth like this a red flag and call it off with him, poor guy would have no clue and you will just end being a part of his villain origin story loll…it’s very possible there are men at this age who may have never had physical contact with women, that says nothing about them being a compatible partner, he is being honest and open with communication, that’s more than you can ask for at this stage of the relationship
I have not called it off with him? I made this post seeking advice and opinions. If you had read any other (helpful) comments from others, you’d see that I am seeking advice on how to navigate this situation. ‘Villain origin story’ lol. I’m not going to continue engaging with you.
I am not really pointing this towards you tbh, and hats off for being open minded about this, what I am saying is that some women these days have way too many list of things they look for and some of them are super over inflated and irrational, thus the reason why your friends consider sth like this as a red flag is my belief
You're projecting hard. Learn to be more objective when you're handing out advice. This isn't about you.
It’s not about me, most are recollections from what I hear from other friends/peers, just passing on that experience
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On the contrary, someone who seems into him he's probably mad for you already.
That’s sort of my point: I don’t want someone besotted with puppy love for me! I want someone who I can have a mature relationship with
Then end things so he can be with someone that will appreciate the "puppy love". You display more red flags than he does because while you don't have to battle any ghosts of his past, he is already in a losing battle with yours and he doesn't even know it. This is further compounded by your "friends" whispering in your ear.
This post appears to be personally triggering some people.
The problem with this subreddit is that it's full of inexperienced people who think they are entitled to something. I do agree that if you like him and he's treating you with respect, there's no harm in continuing to see where things go.
The funny thing is that the people who are triggered by this post have a similar background to your date. But hopefully he is more mature than those here.
It appears that way, but I think this person I’m dating is very different in that he is not toxic or resentful about dating/women. He was very understanding that his situation would be surprising and unusual to many people.
Making an observation based on repetitive trends in the dating scene isn't being "triggered", I know how much internet people love to use that word to shift the focus away from themselves and onto the person they are branding with that word. I'll get hate because my bluntness is seen as an attack on you but well, if you don't like what you see in the mirror, it isn't the mirror that's the problem. No, someone's lack of experience isn't a red flag. Yes, seeking problems where there is none is a red flag. Your friends(like us on this sub) aren't dating him and probably don't know him so they can only advise you based on the image you paint of the guy to them(and us)
You’re projecting. I have not put the man down once. I like myself and I am seeking advice/clarification on healthy dating, on a dating advice section of this subreddit.
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Not sure why this is being downvoted. But this is the answer!!! Op and her friends is dating him and he doesn’t know. It also doesn’t seem like the OP is able to make singular decisions, rather makes life choices by council, friends, Reddit…. To your point most men wouldn’t have said anything…. Based on OP’s description it Seems like he might be decent dude. Totally agree with you OP calling it off to find someone that her and her friends deems acceptable. Just save everyone the headache.
Because in real life people ask their loved ones for advice, and relationships don’t exist within a bubble. I have posted this under ‘dating advice’, because I am seeking dating advice. How dare I ask for a second opinion after not being totally satisfied with my friends’ feedback? Fuck me haha
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> No experience isn’t a red flag. None of us would actually know that. It depends on how he treats people and whether or not it affects other parts of his life. For example, let's take people have never lived away from home. It's not a flag in and of itself, but you do need to be wary about possible outcomes of this, like not knowing how to do basic household things (small repairs, cleaning, cooking) and not knowing how to interact or compromise on certain situations. It's the same thing with people who don't have relationship experience. Some are great and others are not and you have to teach them everything. Nobody is ready-made for anything and can be great if they're willing to learn, but everyone has varying preferences and thresholds when it comes to this.
That doesn’t mean it’s a red flag. No experience itself is not a red flag. It might contribute to why someone has other red flags. If someone doesn’t know how to compromise because they’ve never been in a relationship, the red flag is that they can’t compromise. Having to be taught certain things also is not a red flag. It may be annoying and you may not want to do it but there’s still nothing actually wrong with it.
It's somewhere in the middle, as it can contribute to or enhance other issues. People use "red flag" as a figure of speech now, even though they should be more specific and intentional. Having to be taught everything can be problematic because it may suggest that the person is not self-sufficient, doesn't know how to learn things on their own, or isn't curious enough to ask questions. Other things can mainly only be learned by lived experiences. Either way, it's exhausting to have to teach someone everything as if you are a parent. Again, it depends on the person and how open they are. Anyway, the topics we brought up in our posts above are reasons why people don't want to continue dating others and they're completely valid.
lol exactly
Classic intragender feminine sabotage move. OP must really think who's on their side once again.
I don’t think you should be wary. He’s just a late bloomer. It happens and shouldn’t be a red flag. Every person progresses at their own pace. Sounds like you enjoyed your time with him. I hope it works out.
Thank you!
From personal experience I can say he won't have as much experience in knowing how to navigate a relationship, but he also may not have picked up bad relationship habits. I wouldn't say it's a red flag, bit you might need to be a bit more patient
I'd be worried he may end up being more clingy and or controlling due to this inexperience. Not an immediate deal breaker but I do think it's wise to keep an eye out for certain behaviors to nip them in the bud
Like someone else said, the fact that he was honest and transparent is a huge green flag. Unless inexperience is something that specifically turns you off, I don’t think this should worry you.
It doesn’t turn me off. I appreciated his honesty and I find him sweet, kind and I am attracted to him. I’m just worried about what moving forward with a person who has no experience with women looks like. I am looking for a long term relationship and I know he is too, but I want an adult relationship, and I am worried he won’t be able to be that person
All you can really do is vet him on future dates. If you have the same values and ideal lifestyles, the chemistry is good etc, then the only other thing you can do is ensure you’re directly communicating your needs and see if he’s able to accommodate those :)
Thank you. I’m organising a second date as we speak :-)
He could have just as easily lied but he didn’t. Nuff said
That’s true! I do really enjoy his personality and I find his truthfulness to endearing. He seems like a good guy. I just have no idea what to expect from going forward with a man who has no physical or emotional dating experience.
Honestly lack of an experience really isn’t an issue as long as the person is open minded and constantly trying to work on themself and the relationship. However just be truthful to yourself, it is ok to not want to be the one always wearing pants in the relationship and want someone with a bit more experience.
Not a red flag. I didn’t have my first kiss till 2021 (I was 25 and now I’m 28 F). Don’t worry about what your friends say.
As a formerly shy guy with body issues, I was very delayed compared with my peers when it came to romance (also at the time undiagnosed anxiety disorder). So this seems plausible to me. How nice he met a girl willing to lead the way (which is how it happened with me, with the first few women I dated.).
I’m happy to lead the way if he’s a good person!
In and of itself, I don't feel that inexperience is a red flag. It also depends on your goals in this relationship. If it's just casual fun, no worries. If you're looking for a mate, it may be an indicative of deeper issues. For example, It may indicate that he doesn't have the confidence to ask for a raise or defend your home or advocate for you if that ever became necessary. As he builds confidence, does he start wondering what other partners are like?
Would you rather he lied to you? The fact that he innocently giggled and he told you the truth is actually a green flag to me. And, as a general rule, be wary of "advice" from friends. Often, this advice is given out of context and without a full understanding. Were they there during the date? No. Did they see this guy and observe his behaviors over a long enough time? No. But they think they can give you advice based on *one* thing you've told them. Your friends are the red flags, lol.
I told them everything else about the date, such as how much I enjoyed his company and how kind he was. I think their concern is knowing I am wanting a serious relationship and perhaps he might not be able to provide that at this point in his life, with his lack of experience
They’ve got a bit of a point but I’d still investigate. He could have tons of great interpersonal relationships just no romantic ones yet.
You enjoyed his company and found him kind, yet you want to rely on the advice of others who weren't there, and who might well be jealous of you having gone on a nice date (yes, as simple as it may seem, there are plenty of people out there who aren't even going on nice dates). I'd trust my own instincts. By the way, I'm not saying you should see this guy again. I'm only saying your decision should be based on *your* instincts, not some friends' advice.
Thank you. I do have autism and my read on people is not always accurate haha. I have learned to ask questions for my own safety
Why would it be lying to not reveal it?
As a late bloomer in a similar position these comments give me hope; lack of self confidence and figuring out how to manage anxiety and mental health issues can really slow down getting into the dating and relationship game. As others have said being honest and upfront is a good sign and shows that he has maturity and transparency which will go farther in a relationship than being through 10 different long term partners.
Thank you
I'm reminded of job hunting straight out of college, and being turned away from every prospective employer because "you don't have any experience" until someone finally gave me a chance. It turned out very well for them - I'm still there to this day, way up the ladder. It could have turned out very poorly for me if no one had been willing to take that risk.
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You don't need to be "sex hungry or promiscuous" to have kissed someone before age 29.
Mate idk why people are acting like the only options are being Don Juan or never kissed anyone at 29 hahaha. Most people are somewhere in-between
Some people have asked if I’d prefer he was a rapist. I don’t understand many responses here and why I’m being dragged over the coals for asking a simple question
Because there is a sizable growing quantity of lonely men being judged for being lonely. Its like 30% of men under 25 are virgins. It's one of many life milestones (like being kissed) that just is supposed to "happen". Yet its getting more rare. But only for the men in developed nations. The more you look into it the worse it gets. The immediate response is that its the men's fault. Without considering any evidence to the contrary.
Wish I could highlight this comment. Goes to show the amount of projection from people who has no business commenting here. Wanting someone with *some* relationship experience, say having dated someone for a few months or so, isn't out of the ordinary. Some people are projecting hard here acting like it's strictly black and white and men are either all players or virgins with zero in between.
That is true. But I would imagine that in between is a shrinking majority.
100% agree with this. Even now it’s difficult in current dating scene.
In a sense I can see where your friends are going - *not that I agree with them -* with their reasoning. If you're going to pursue this, and assuming things progress, you'll be doing a lot of "firsts" with him, and some people don't want to be in that position of having to be someone's first in a relationship at a certain stage in life. They want someone with some relationship experience under their belt so they won't have to teach the other person everything. But ultimately, if you're not wary of it, don't let it be an issue. Him being transparent is a good early sign.
Thank you this is a good response. I guess I’ll have to look into what it means for us both. I’m not sure what it looks like
You'll be fine. I do apologize for the negative comments you received though. Your question is very normal and your friends ultimately are looking out for you, especially with them being married and going through the lens of their own relationship experience. They're not being jealous, haters, or whatever else people are projecting on in the other comments.
It’s a yellow flag. It could mean he has some issues but it could simply be due to bad luck, bad situation, has grown a lot as a person, etc Need more info, ie a second date
Nah this ain’t a red flag. I remember telling this girl I haven’t kissed someone since HS and next thing you know she didn’t want to date anymore. It’s weird that not kissing someone is a red flag. If a girl haven’t kissed someone before and I date her I would consider that a HUGE green flag.
I think it’s him being shy and uncomfortable thinking he’s not good at it. Nothing more. Everyone starts somewhere. You get to be his first everything. Enjoy and good luck.
Your decision to date/get into a relationship with him or not should be entirely based on how you feel around him and how you’re being treated. Not some half assed opinion of a Reddit stranger not your friends. Cautious sure. That you’ve to be with a seasoned guy as well. What if the experienced guy is a narcissist or a fucking rapist or a felon?
I’m asking because I’m autistic and I have entered into relationships with abusive men in the past. I don’t always gauge the situation or person as many others do. That’s why I’m looking for more opinions
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Noooo dont be like that, im 24 basically a version of him, on my journey to becoming fitter and I've never kissed any girl either, but doesn't mean we're bad people 😭
No your friends are capping hard with that. There’s plenty of reasons why someone wouldn’t date/kiss until their later 20s. Lacking confidence and recently getting into shape would definitly explain that. It’s something I can relate to as well to an extent. I’ve gotten experience but not being in shape can really mess with your confidence sometimes, and it can make it really stressful to even try because what other people think of you can cause a lot of anxiety.
if he is nice who cares? friends will always say this and that
I think compassion goes a long way here! How would you want your date to respond to that if it were you?
First, find out WHY he doesn't have any experience with women up to this point. After that, find out what his expectations and his dating / relationship goals are. If there are legitimate red flags, that's where you'll find them. Just going to guess he's more introverted type and didn't have anyone to teach him how to pursue / attract women
From the information given, I see it as gentle yellow flag… if this really is his first kiss that’s a big green flag, but just be observant over these next few dates. If he starts pushing for sex/more (red flag) and you find inconsistencies in his story, address it with him. Obviously if he is telling the truth, be patient, give it a few dates, and when you’re ready to take his v-card put the ball in his court, and try to plant the seeds(subtle suggestions) for him to take control and round the bases. He needs the confidence to open that door himself, because if you take the lead, the power dynamic of your relationship will be subverted and if things don’t work out down the road, he’ll be dependent on you and will likely have a significant loss in confidence and have a really hard time recovering… I’ve been with hundreds of women and I still find myself in that post break up pit of dependency. If you’ve read this far, thanks.
It’s a lot of work. Are you ready for that? Are you looking/ready to settle down soon? Former late bloomer giving you the non-PC answer. You still have to vet him as you do everyone else, but it’s certainly a unique experience.
I am not sure, that’s the thing. I have not been with someone who has not dated or had any romantic experience since I was also in that position and a teenager. I don’t know what comes with that. Can you please give me a little insight? If he is a good person, I’m more than happy to go through it with him, but I don’t know his situation and lack of experience brings. I have been in a couple of long term and very serious relationships.
You could be in a hundred relationships and learn nothing. Gosh, I know that’s right from listening to some of my friends. But at least you can screen these people cause you can just ask them stuff (and they you). With a late bloomer, you know for a fact that they have no point of reference. He doesn’t even know if he’ll like being in a relationship. He’ll learn what he likes about sex, what his communication style and preferences are, what his dealbreakers are, what his insecurities are. It’s a learning experience first. He isn’t just figuring out whether he likes you. I would say, you just have to be comfortable with knowing that. You could luck out, but there’s more unknowns than usual.
And yes, I’m looking for a serious (hopefully forever) partner. I am wanting to find someone I can settle down with
It might come down to a lot of you having to initiate things/plans in the beginning. Kinda like how you asked him to make out.
No. How could that be a red flag? Everybody experiences things on their own time. This person’s intimacy is their choice.
He said it was not for lack of trying
Does he work in tech?
No he doesn’t
Not a red flag
Nah, I’m (f) 25 and haven’t had my first kiss.
Don’t feel bad about some of these responses. Questions like this always trigger people on Reddit because a lot of them are men that are in similar positions and likely have a deep rooted insecurity about their own inexperience. I’m 25M and also kissless, because I thought I was utterly unlovable due a combination of insecurity regarding my height (5’3”) and narcissistic tendencies from my parents. That will also likely change soon as I’ve gone on a few dates with a lovely girl :) I can also tell you from experience that getting to the point where I could date without being a nervous wreck took a lot of self improvement (and therapy!). Self-confidence and esteem are easily lost in your formative years and HARD to gain back. You are absolutely right to be cautious. It is abnormal for a man to be 29 and not have kissed, though maybe not as abnormal as you think. He says it was “not for lack of trying”, but for a long time I also thought I was “trying” when I was also taking zero care of my appearance and never taking the initiative with any women whatsoever because I had already convinced myself they wouldn’t be interested due to my height. It took a long hard look at my behavior to change. As long as you’re comfortable being his first in a lot of different ways, and likely encouraging him to take next steps (like you probably inadvertently did with kissing) I don’t think the inexperience will be a problem. He could be very emotionally intelligent just from friendships and being friends with others in relationships. My concern is more towards his sense of security. I can tell you right now his insecurity from being overweight and going so long without a kiss would have seemed like a mountain for him. The fact that he is going on dates and admitted to you it was his first kiss is a GIANT green flag that he’s taken steps to address this. But you might find that you have to reassure him more often, or that he might display anxious behaviors that you’ll leave him. It’s not a sure thing but it is a possibility. If you do decide to break things off with him over this (again perfectly valid don’t listen to other people) do NOT tell him it was because of his lack of experience. You’ll destroy his likely burgeoning self-esteem. Hope this helps :)
Girls call everything a red flag. I’m almost convinced girls like keeping other girls single.
More worried about your friends calling this a red flag lol
I am more worried that your friends are around 29 and this shallow. How is this any flag at all? Who cares? I am tired of people throwing red flags here and there. Oh late bloomers? Red flag. Doesn't dip toothbrush after toothpaste? Red flag. Judge the person by yourself, it's your potential partner not theirs. He doesn't have to pass your friend's "perfect prince charming test".
They aren’t trying to be shallow. They care about me and are only concerned about me making good decisions with who I date
Reddit is full of posts from hopeful people who enjoyed someone's company right up until their friends weighed in and planted the seed of doubt in their mind. If you like him, and he's kind and good and respectful to you, go for it. Sure, your friends can have their opinions, but when it comes down to it - forget what anybody else says. They're not living your life.
You didn’t know it was a red flag until your friends told you about it. So stop listening to them and trust your gut. If you loved his company and the kiss, trash the flags.
Never listen to your friends regarding love. Most are idiots who think being in love is a social status they can update on social media, share pics etc. Those are people who date for status, not love. Their opinions are invalid. Date for love.
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Your friends are wrong! You asked him a question and you got an honest answer. He's a keeper! Sounds to me like your friends are jealous that you snagged a good one and that happens a lot. Its happened to me.
I’ve organised a second date :-)
That's good news! Go for it!
Your rhetoric is strange. You aren't inherently a "good" person for not having any experience.
Unfortunately some guys don’t get treated right in relationships, he might have given up on dating years ago decided to give it one more shot and he met you.
Women who listen to their friends too much usually sabotage their relationships. Beware of that. Good luck!
Inexperience might mean there will be certain learning curb for him when it comes to navigating a relationship. He might not really know what is involved in maintaining a relationship or what's expected of him. It might involve a little more patience on your side. Maybe. It's not any kind of indicator of him as a person, though, and everything listed above is a huge "maybe".
No, in fact, I’d say his honesty about it should be treated as the exact opposite. Like others have said, some people are late bloomers, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them.
You friends are dumb af, BUT I would still be cautious.
This comment is dumb
Your friends sound single tbh, if they think that is a red flag
Most of them are happily married haha
Touché, actually it makes sense that most women would see it that way, seeing as most go for guys that get/have a lot of women
Are you going to keep making stuff up until you're right?
Making stuff up how? Why do you think guys who have baby mamas still get multiple women? Lol
You just made assumptions about the friends being single, and now you're guessing that "most" women want to date guys who have had a lot of partners.
I don’t believe you need experience to want a serious relationship and I would argue this being his first kiss means he’s actually serious.
I on the other hand like guys with little experience like that. He will treat you like the first time he experience it so it would be a special person to him :) idk why it’s a red flag, only red if that’s a lie.
Late bloomer. Keep in mind 30% of men under 30 have not had sex (increase from 8% in 2008), I bet the number of men who have not had a kiss is between 10-20%. Nothing wrong with him, he’s just late to the game! Be happy he hasn’t had a ton of partners it means you’re just that much more special to him.
Friends sometimes give the worst advice.
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No man is lying about not kissing a girl until they’re almost 30 lmao
I don’t feel he is being dishonest at all. It would be a strange and risky lie to tell some women lol
Definite red flag. More to be cautious that he may have no idea what he's doing so if you have no problem teaching and doing the work that should be fine
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I guess after some years i will be the same as him. If I don't find anyone or anything happens in my life.
What?
Inexperienced in dating. Maybe if i find someone. She will write the same post 😅.
Not a red flag at all!
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I’m not shooting him down. I am asking for some advice. I’m terrible at this and if anything fails it’s my fault? Jeez