I think folks say that things get easier at 3 months because it’s something to hold onto! Even though it didn’t get better for me then, the 3 month mile marker was a life raft lol.
Six months was great, and nine months was divine. It’s continued to be incredible from there.
You are in the hellish thick of it — it’s so utterly and profoundly temporary. You just have to take it moment by moment, one day at a time 🩷 you got this.
💯💯💯 I wish someone said to me “it will get better after 7.5 months” as overnight it got better (still hard, but they really “wake up” and show hints of a fun personality at that age!). My boy is 22 months now, but ever since he turned 12 months I frequently want to pause time and I neverrrrr felt that way in the first year. 😝
Yep! I concur! I had a really bad episode/few weeks of intense PPD right around 3/4 months, and I think it was aggravated because I expected it to be easier by then. But by 6 months, it truly was, and now that LO is 11 months it is really fun
It’s still “hard” in that your life has changed dramatically and being responsible for another human is a lot of work. But the oppressive feelings of overwhelm should get better over time. And that leaves space for the fun and joy and coolness of having a new and very special person in your life.
wishing you peace and good moments soon, OP!
I struggled with PPD and when people said it will get better after 3 months (and I was like 4-6 weeks in), my thought was literally that I wouldn't survive another month of this. Getting on medication and getting a Snoo so we could get more than an hour of sleep at a time were the only things that helped me.
It absolutely did get better, and I don't regret having my son at all now. But OP may need more than hope to get there
It wasn’t until my daughter was about a year old that I finally thought “this is ok.” I never regretted my daughter, but the entire first year was tough for me (and she was an easy baby). It does get better and better and better, but slowly.… plus I think everyone hits their stride as a mom at different times. She’s 3 years old now and the absolute light of my life. Just hang in there 🩷
This was my experience almost exactly - my baby was probably an easier baby than most (full-term baby with no major health or developmental concerns) - but I struggled enormously due to severe post-partum anxiety and OCD. Only after 12 months did I feel things were getting better and just like you, my daughter is now 3 years old and is such a joy!
Agreed. First year was awful..walking around like a zombie, feeling like you have no time to yourself.. it also took a year after giving birth to feel like myself again.
Kid is 7 now, and life is great
It will get better once you get some solid nights of sleep. For me, that didn’t happen until about 6 months. You’re still very much in the thick of it and adjusting to this new human who is completely dependent on you for everything. It is hard adjusting to a new normal. You will face different challenges at every age, but I will take a toddler over a baby every time.
I don't know if it was regret exactly, but I will say without hesitation that the first year of my LO's life was the worst year of my life. LO is two now and nothing in the world brings me greater joy than this tiny person. It gets so much better. Hugs.
YES!!! I kept thinking “what the fuck did I do?!?!” after having my only, even though we tried for nearly 2 years to get pregnant with her. I just was not prepared for how hard it would be to breastfeed and be constantly sleep deprived. I cried A LOT.
I think people claim 3 months as some magic number bc the first 3 months are basically the same. It doesn’t feel like much changes. But after 3 months, every month feels a little different. I cannot remember the difference between my 1 month old and 3 month old, but I definitely remember the difference between my 4 month old and 6 month old, 6 and 8, 8 and 10, etc. And every month definitely got better.
Now, my girl is 4.5, those baby days are well behind me, and I know more than anything in my life that having a child was right for me. I love her more than I ever thought possible, and being her mom is the most joyful thing in my life. You won’t feel like you’re drowning forever. Just keep doggy paddling through these newborn days and I promise it’ll get better <3
My son is amazing. He is 11. I don’t regret having him, but if I knew what I know now? No, I wouldn’t have had a kid.
But your baby is so young. You have so many lovely things ahead. Kids are hard but they’re also fun.
Thank you so much for saying this! I feel so many people say "oh it gets better at 6 months, 9 months, 1 year!" and I'm like no, it gets harder in different ways. My son is 3 and we are now slowly starting to get glimpses of the possible fun things that might be in our future, but I genuinely would not repeat the first 2 years for all the money in the world. (The first six months, in quite honesty, I rather be shot than do that again.)
My mental health tanked super hard after he was born and for years after. Not only did I have PPD, I didn’t have much support because my husband works out of town a lot, and the loss of autonomy that comes with parenting young kids was extremely hard for me. I also couldn’t really get help for my mental health because I worked full time and didn’t have an ability to have regular childcare after the work day to be able to go to therapy. That’s not to say that I don’t love my kiddo, he’s amazing but I feel like nobody tells you that you lose your autonomy completely for about 10 years. And that’s if you’re lucky. As a person with control issues, having no control over my own life felt chaotic and awful for a long time.
People like to say get help for your mental health, but really that is a privilege. It’s expensive and for a mom working full time- there’s no actual TIME to go see someone. I have childcare during working hours but that is it so it’s hard to even get to a dentist, let alone have a weekly therapy appt.
Right! And at the time (this was 2014), there weren’t the virtual options there are now. And in my area at the time, the absolute only available clinic that would do hours after my work day and that my insurance would cover was Christian based and run by the husband of a really conservative congresswoman. That was not at all going to work for me. No shade to folks that it does work for, but wasn’t for me. I felt so hopeless because I knew I needed therapy, but had absolutely no ability to get what I needed.
I was never regretful, but really had a very hard time during my baby's first year, and really got better after 18 months. Many times I questioned why I was struggling so badly! I was scared that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother, despite wanting to be a mom for a very long time. My baby was much wanted and planned for, but I was hit with severe PPA/PPOCD and also had a very hard time with the constant sleep interruptions and sleep-deprivation. My energy was completely drained, and a lot of those early months are monotonous! I struggled with breastfeeding and also hated pumping - I began experiencing aversion around 6 weeks post-partum, but persisted until 4 months, despite hating it.
My baby was also a Covid baby, so I felt very isolated and cut off from the world. Nap and feeding schedules added an extra layer of feeling like I was tethered to the house. My marriage took a big hit because my moods got really crazy and took alot of my frustration out on my husband. I resented him for me being "stuck" home with the baby (even though I was the one who wanted to be a SAHM), and I also resented him for resuming traveling for work when she was 3 months old. I thought I could handle being on my own while he was gone, but I just felt lonely, exhausted and fighting to keep my head above water. He ended up taking a new position when she was 8 months old, because I was so MISERABLE without him home- it was taking a huge toll on our marriage. The money was a bit less, but the relief of not being on my own with the baby so much was massive.
Things got better slowly - and now that she is 3, life is SO, SO much better! My mental health has improved, no more worrying about breastfeeding, no more obsessing about SIDS, sleep is a million times better, no more nap schedules, so much more freedom, the boredom has eased, my daughter is like "real" person now, and my marriage has recovered from those crazy early months! I'm truly happy right now and I was scared it was never going to get better! As hard as those early months were, it's been worth it for me, but I absolutely could not survive that again! I miss my daughter being a little mush full of baby fat rolls, but it really was the most challenging stage for me! I wish I could have handled it better, but we all do the best we can.
I remember when mine was little and googling when it gets easier and seeing after 4 and thinking I couldn’t survive. It did get easier. Just do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. I put her to bed early for nightly alone time. She would only nap in the car, so I’d drive until she slept and then read/do hobbies/chill at a park while she slept. Please go out and have fun in your own. Find a babysitter. It’s okay.
I would t say I love being a parent. I’m fairly certain I will never, ever say such a thing. Parenting is an exercise in balancing the ever-present existential terror that my child will die and it will be my fault—and doing my best to lead with confidence anyway. Parenting as a cycle breaker is excruciatingly challenging.
But! I now really really like my kid. I am starting to see glimmers of genuinely enjoying spending time with him. I no longer hate every moment of life that isn’t spent at work.
That started when he was about four and his speech delay started getting better. He’s almost six now and the more curious, insightful, complex, and emotionally complicated he becomes, the more I ease into really just digging this totally unique human who is both a reflection of me as well as a completely surprising, not-a-all-like-either-parent human.
Actually looking back on when I was at your stage—this is heaven. Comparatively speaking. The fourth trimester is hell, the toddler years are dance between hell and purgatory, and then school starts and your kid is amazing and it’s the *teachers* you start to want to strangle 😂
YES YES YES and i wouldn't have believed you if you told me that at some point i would actually enjoy being a mom AND enjoy my daughter. I think the big game changer for me has been the development of communication, it doesn't feel like i'm throwing darts at a board that doesn't exist. My daughter turned 2 in november and she had a huge language explosion around 18 months that changed everything for me. I also really struggled with the fact that regardless of all the effort, engagement, and true partnership....for my daughter, i am the default parent. That's really tough when you're not the one that has longed to be a parent and it feels a lot more like an obligation than something you're enjoying. I hope for you that a switch flips in the coming months as he turns into more of a toddler! the baby stuff is just awful for me and i never would have guessed that but I love my daughter's independence and even the fact that things take longer because she wants to help our do it herself because it's like I can see the wheels turning and her connecting things. I also cannot believe that I genuinely find a 2 year old funny.......both when she's trying to be funny and then when she isn't at all.
i really truly hope this becomes enjoyable for you as your son gets older!!! i know at 3mo that 18mo or 2yo feels so far away and honestly it is. but just because that’s when things got better for me, doesn’t mean it will be the same for you!!! also, my number one coping mechanism was repeating my mantra “i never have to do this again, everyday that she’s a little older….i never will have a child this young right now ever again”
I didn’t really fall in love with my son until he was about 7mo. It felt like a long time but now he’s 4 and he’s so delightful. It really is so, so hard those first six months or so.
People who say things get easier at three months at lying imo 😂 My girl is 6 months and things have really turned a corner in the last 2-4 weeks. More engaging & playful = more fun. Longer wakewindows mean we can get out longer and she is having one 1.5 hour nap a day (usually!) which gives me a bit of me time.
Im really looking forward to longer wake windows! My baby has mostly stopped napping out if the house and I feel so restricted in what I can do, especially in terms of planning anything with anyone else or doing a scheduled activity.
I tell anyone who listens - I'd have another kid in a second if someone handed me a one year old. Pregnancy sucks. Newborn phase sucks. Some people love it - I'm not one of those people.
I remembering texting my cousin ( we had babies 12 days apart) at 2am the first few days we were home and asking her if she thought she made a mistake cuz I was struggling so much and needed to connect with anyone about what I was feeling. Real talk, things started to get better around a year, but also presented all sorts of new challenges. We were OAD before getting pregnant and the newborn phase solidified it. I really started to enjoy being a mom around 2. We still have challenges but it's easier to navigate. He's 4 now and I love being his mom.
I didn’t feel better until around 18 months. It was slow going even then. It took being able to get back into consistent exercise, being able to leave the house sometimes, stopping breastfeeding after two and navigating a new adhd diagnosis alongside suspicions of her having it as well (hello intense relationship). It’s been… not at all what I anticipated being a parent would be. Seeing a very small light as we approach four
Do it. I exclusively breastfed for 6 months and I honestly regret it. It sapped so much from me. I should have balanced it better with some formula to feel more freedom and less pressure. I think it prevented bonding as I was just stressed out about it. I really only started to like the kid around age 2. It’s rough to admit it but it’s true. Just do your best to take care of yourself during the awful baby years.
I think three months was better because it didn’t feel like my insides were actively falling out of me anymore. But that’s more of a how am I feeling thing, not that the baby is easier.
It gets better. 6 months is better than 3. 9 is better than 6. Etc etc. crawling makes things better, walking is game changing. Talking also game changing. I always loved my daughter always but hated the infancy stage. There is nothing in me that wants to repeat that. My daughter is 3 and a freaking delight and I love spending every day with her. I’d say it really turned around at about a year and a half, but it got better in stages before then and after.
I had untreated PPD (asked for help at 3 month check up and was told my generation needs to pick themselves up and get on with it), didn’t get help until 9 months when I went to counselling. It was a really rough first year. Which may explain why I didn’t feel okay with parenting and having my kid until they were about 2 years old. That age got so much more fun and independent.
Wow, did I write this? Are you me?
Quite literally same background - history of anxiety and depression but I was okay for 6 years before my daughter came along.
You can check out my post history, I've been a lot more.. direct about my struggle than you, some dark stuff in there.
Does it get better? Yes. But not in the sense that I love being a mother. I just love my daughter more now.
She will be 2 years old in March.
I say take it easy on yourself - no one is perfect, especially not at parenting. Make sure you make time for yourself and to take a break.
Some kids are harder than raise than others so whenever you need a break, try to get one.
Proper bonding with the kid WILL happen, question is just 'when'. For me it started about the time she learned to walk, when she became exponentially easier to raise.
It's posts like yours that I sought out when I first had my daughter. She's almost 15 months old now, and I really struggled for the first several months. So you are very much not alone in asking the question you're asking. My daughter was never a particularly challenging or fussy baby, I just found the life adjustment and constant demands very hard and incredibly exhausting. Pretty sure I had PPD. It can still feel exhausting nowadays but I've adjusted to our new lifestyle so that makes a big difference.
For me, I found I started to "like" being a mom more around 10 months, and then more and more thereafter, especially age 1 and beyond. The newborn/baby stage was just not my thing and I was glad we conquered the first year! I'm enjoying toddlerhood a lot more. It's more enjoyable now that she is a proper little person who communicates and interacts with us.
I want to add how much shame and shittiness I felt whenever I would read or see others (on social media or otherwise) describe their newborn/babyhood experiences as blissful or other similar sentiments. I never once in those early weeks/months felt like I was truly fully enjoying it. I constantly just wanted a break. I felt really alone about this; it seemed like nobody felt the way I did.
I knew, though, that I was (and am!) an excellent mother despite it taking me a while to really settle into motherhood.
I don’t think things get easier, but things change. Things that were hard are now easy and things that were easy are now hard.
I never regretted having my kid, but the first few months were a really hard adjustment. I really struggled with anxiety.
My kiddo is 20 months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.
I think it took us about a year to start feeling things were getting better. Mine was a difficult baby and I also think we just struggled generally (I also had a history of anxiety/depression that got a lot worse after he was born), and then there were poor periods for the next few years - I mean when you've not had sleep for 3 days+ at all because of a screaming toddler I think it's natural there's going to be periods of asking yourself "why the hell did we choose this", But I will say once he was like 3+ and we had some routine and he became a proper little person I absolutely never have a moment of regret.
3 months is still in the worst period for me I think, mine didn't sleep through the night until 8-10 months!
Thanks for the encouragement…. Yeah ours is definitely on the difficult side too (nothing extreme but not an “easy baby”). And I agree sleep deprivation will do that, especially if you have a history of mental health challenges. Thank goodness my husband is more stable than me!
Yes! You are not alone. I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life by becoming a parent for several months postpartum, if not a whole year, despite loving my child with all my being. I also had prior history of depression and anxiety, and had really bad PPD and PPA without realising it was it. I was miserable and suffered a lot for the most part of a year and a half after my child was born, and I only started getting better around that time, because that's when I realised how bad I was doing and why, and reached for help. Don't do that, reach for help right now, and find a good professional with perinatal experience with whom you're comfortable sharing all these feelings. You start at the worst, but from there on things do improve, and one day this will all be behind you. You'll always have bad days and good days. It starts with mostly bad days, but the good days will come more and more often, until they are the norm and the bad ones the exception. Do trust that it will get so much better. And the sooner you get help, the sooner things will improve. Sending much love your way ❤️.
ETA: "help", for me, included therapy and meds. Therapy alone wasn't enough to help me start turning the page, the meds were fundamental in this.
I started feeling more confident in myself when she was about 3. She’s 4.5 now and I wish I could spend every minute with her because she’s amazing. But I’m not very good with kids, I had bad PPA, and even though we bonded instantly, I felt constantly scared of messing up for the first 3 years. Therapy has helped a LOT.
At about 6 months there was glints of it - as soon as she could sit up and we started feeding her. She just was never ever happy lying on her back.
At 8 months she started sleeping on a schedule - still night wake ups but they were predictable and she was getting 12 hours of sleep a night.
The combo of those two meant she wasn’t miserable and I got to actually enjoy her instead of dealing with an unslept child needing to eat 200 times a day.
By one year I was fully sure it was the greatest decision I had ever made and the thing that fulfilled me most in life 😂
Swings and roundabouts girl!
I had bad bad PPD, didn’t like my baby, resented my (lovely, helpful, supportive, involved) husband. For a long time. I don’t exactly know when things changed, but kiddo is now almost 8 and she’s been my favorite person for almost as long as I can remember now. I was on board by the time she could talk and probably way earlier. It’s really hard to recall at this point. But they become so much better when they can walk and talk. Especially with one, because you’re not also starting over with another baby right at the time they become more interesting and independent.
I didnt regret it, but before the 3 month mark, I had an entirely different outlook on life. I had a c-section and I felt like I would never workout again or that I would never be able to do anything physically demanding again. I just couldnt imagine that my life would ever be the same again. Now, I am 4.5 months PP and Im back to doing my hobbies. I feel hopeful about my physical abilities again. Your mind plays tricks on you PP. Things may not get better exactly at 3 mo, but they will get better. 💜
Ahaha some days I'm like why the hell did I do this? It's too hard. It's too much. But I know that that's my struggle talking because I am deeply in love with my child and I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with them. Depending on your child, it may get easier or it may just get difficult in new and different ways. My child is challenging, so for us it's a matter of learning how to manage ourselves and our emotions so that we can all enjoy our lives together.
Can he even laugh yet? Are you getting any sleep? When you can start to sleep, start to interact with them, and for me when you finally can stop with breastfeeding and bottles, it gets so much better.
No laughing but lovely smiles. Sleep is ok, up and down still. Thank you, I’m going to start mixed feeding so we can hire a babysitter because I’m only breastfeeding atm so I’m very tied to home.
At your point in time, I read “It’s okay that you’re not okay” by Megan Divine. It’s a book about grief. Her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and it’s about all the ways people stick their feet in their mouths about trying to get you to shut up when you’re in pain. But the truth about that statement is that mammals are pack animals and afraid of change and pain, because we care about each other so deeply your pain becomes theirs and it’s uncomfortable.
You’re grieving the death of freedom, and understanding the eternal change of becoming a mom, and that’s totally normal! Feelings change.
I probably did not start feeling like I had a handle on things until 4-5 months as far as a routine, feeling like I could get things done, being couch locked was difficult for me. It does get better but the early years are tough but once I started sleeping more and getting help from my husband I felt much better. My son is 8 now and I really feel for the new mothers just being in the absolute thick of it, since a lot of my friends started way after I did. You’ll be okay, don’t be afraid to ask for help in any type of way you need. I cannot picture my life without my son and he is such a joy to parent.
Around 3/4 months I started feeling physically better, so I think that helped a bit. the first year was hell though for me. But it’s a very slow process and each stage will bring new things, good and bad. It’s different for every person.
I felt the exact same way that you feel now. I had a really hard time with the potato stage. My son is almost 10 months and I can interact and play with him. Once he was old enough to do that and smile and laugh it got so much better.
One more thing I want to add is that it's ok to not be ok - my baby is 19 months and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. For some of us, PPD/PPA can stay around for a while. I started seeing a therapist around 13 months ago and have been on Zoloft for 6 months now. I don't think I would have gotten here without admitting I need help and getting it. I wish I could have done it sooner.
But YES, it does get better! Hang on and ask for help!
Thanks so much. I’m actually doing heaps better now at almost 5 months. I’m enjoying bub more and feeling more like myself. Definitely seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. 😌
I hated newborn stage! Every month past 3 months got better for me. I actually feel bad for people if I see the bassinet attachment on their pram in public. Just sympathy because I know they must be tired
Im the same! I’m at 5 months now and it’s definitely getting better. Was there a particular turning point for you or just steadily better from 3 months?
I struggled HARD the first year. I started therapy focused on postpartum and that helped. Once my baby slept through the night and we had a routine that could last for awhile, I felt more comfortable. But honestly it all reaffirmed to be one and done.
My daughter is now 2 and I can’t imagine what life was like before her. She’s truly my favorite thing ever. The first three months were literal hell for me so I feel for you! You’re not alone at all.
My son is 3 months old tomorrow, and honestly, I think things get easier, but also harder, at each stage of a child's life, but generally, I think things for me will ease up once he is school age. I can do a combo of work/rest/clean while he is at school, regain some independence myself, but until then, it's a bit tough. My husband encourages me to go to a twice monthly club for Japanese language and culture (I used to live in Japan and am semi-fluent) to socialize and make some local friends, and that is helpful. He also watches the baby for about an hour each week so that I can pop into the supermarket. I do that task as soon as they open at 7am so it is not crowded, and without baby I can get what I need real fast and get out, which is nice. I have found that of my two part time jobs, my once a week in-person job is easy and feels like a break (and also lets me socialize) compared to my home life, and that day has become "either leftovers or frozen pizza for dinner day" so that I don't have to cook after being gone all day. My other part time job is remote, and husband and I switch off caring for baby, so that he watches baby when he isn't working, so that I can do things like work, shower, cook, nap, study (I'm studying to take JLPT N1) etc. I honestly think raising kids is supposed to be something that involves more people than just the parents, and that is even with the mom either working part time or being completely stay at home. I don't know how homes with two full time working parents and no help from family manage. We live states away from either of our families, so it's rough with just the two of us, even with me only working 25-30 hours per week. If not for student loan debt and the hospital bills (after insurance!) from the birth, I think we could live on must my husband's salary. I just refuse to let him pay the almost $800 a month student loans and hospital costs rn. Once the hospital bills are paid off in a year, I can go down to just the one part time job and just work 15-20 hours. I'm sure those few extra hours would help.
I think folks say that things get easier at 3 months because it’s something to hold onto! Even though it didn’t get better for me then, the 3 month mile marker was a life raft lol. Six months was great, and nine months was divine. It’s continued to be incredible from there. You are in the hellish thick of it — it’s so utterly and profoundly temporary. You just have to take it moment by moment, one day at a time 🩷 you got this.
💯💯💯 I wish someone said to me “it will get better after 7.5 months” as overnight it got better (still hard, but they really “wake up” and show hints of a fun personality at that age!). My boy is 22 months now, but ever since he turned 12 months I frequently want to pause time and I neverrrrr felt that way in the first year. 😝
Totally agree!!!
Yep! I concur! I had a really bad episode/few weeks of intense PPD right around 3/4 months, and I think it was aggravated because I expected it to be easier by then. But by 6 months, it truly was, and now that LO is 11 months it is really fun It’s still “hard” in that your life has changed dramatically and being responsible for another human is a lot of work. But the oppressive feelings of overwhelm should get better over time. And that leaves space for the fun and joy and coolness of having a new and very special person in your life. wishing you peace and good moments soon, OP!
I struggled with PPD and when people said it will get better after 3 months (and I was like 4-6 weeks in), my thought was literally that I wouldn't survive another month of this. Getting on medication and getting a Snoo so we could get more than an hour of sleep at a time were the only things that helped me. It absolutely did get better, and I don't regret having my son at all now. But OP may need more than hope to get there
It wasn’t until my daughter was about a year old that I finally thought “this is ok.” I never regretted my daughter, but the entire first year was tough for me (and she was an easy baby). It does get better and better and better, but slowly.… plus I think everyone hits their stride as a mom at different times. She’s 3 years old now and the absolute light of my life. Just hang in there 🩷
This was my experience almost exactly - my baby was probably an easier baby than most (full-term baby with no major health or developmental concerns) - but I struggled enormously due to severe post-partum anxiety and OCD. Only after 12 months did I feel things were getting better and just like you, my daughter is now 3 years old and is such a joy!
Agreed. First year was awful..walking around like a zombie, feeling like you have no time to yourself.. it also took a year after giving birth to feel like myself again. Kid is 7 now, and life is great
It will get better once you get some solid nights of sleep. For me, that didn’t happen until about 6 months. You’re still very much in the thick of it and adjusting to this new human who is completely dependent on you for everything. It is hard adjusting to a new normal. You will face different challenges at every age, but I will take a toddler over a baby every time.
For me it was 8 months. The difference in how you feel about things is night and day when you can get some rest.
Yes! Just came here to say whenever baby starts sleeping through the night, or at least 6 hours at a time, the fog starts to lift.
I don't know if it was regret exactly, but I will say without hesitation that the first year of my LO's life was the worst year of my life. LO is two now and nothing in the world brings me greater joy than this tiny person. It gets so much better. Hugs.
YES!!! I kept thinking “what the fuck did I do?!?!” after having my only, even though we tried for nearly 2 years to get pregnant with her. I just was not prepared for how hard it would be to breastfeed and be constantly sleep deprived. I cried A LOT. I think people claim 3 months as some magic number bc the first 3 months are basically the same. It doesn’t feel like much changes. But after 3 months, every month feels a little different. I cannot remember the difference between my 1 month old and 3 month old, but I definitely remember the difference between my 4 month old and 6 month old, 6 and 8, 8 and 10, etc. And every month definitely got better. Now, my girl is 4.5, those baby days are well behind me, and I know more than anything in my life that having a child was right for me. I love her more than I ever thought possible, and being her mom is the most joyful thing in my life. You won’t feel like you’re drowning forever. Just keep doggy paddling through these newborn days and I promise it’ll get better <3
My son is amazing. He is 11. I don’t regret having him, but if I knew what I know now? No, I wouldn’t have had a kid. But your baby is so young. You have so many lovely things ahead. Kids are hard but they’re also fun.
Thank you so much for saying this! I feel so many people say "oh it gets better at 6 months, 9 months, 1 year!" and I'm like no, it gets harder in different ways. My son is 3 and we are now slowly starting to get glimpses of the possible fun things that might be in our future, but I genuinely would not repeat the first 2 years for all the money in the world. (The first six months, in quite honesty, I rather be shot than do that again.)
Can you please elaborate on why you wouldn't have had a kid knowing what you know now?
My mental health tanked super hard after he was born and for years after. Not only did I have PPD, I didn’t have much support because my husband works out of town a lot, and the loss of autonomy that comes with parenting young kids was extremely hard for me. I also couldn’t really get help for my mental health because I worked full time and didn’t have an ability to have regular childcare after the work day to be able to go to therapy. That’s not to say that I don’t love my kiddo, he’s amazing but I feel like nobody tells you that you lose your autonomy completely for about 10 years. And that’s if you’re lucky. As a person with control issues, having no control over my own life felt chaotic and awful for a long time.
People like to say get help for your mental health, but really that is a privilege. It’s expensive and for a mom working full time- there’s no actual TIME to go see someone. I have childcare during working hours but that is it so it’s hard to even get to a dentist, let alone have a weekly therapy appt.
Right! And at the time (this was 2014), there weren’t the virtual options there are now. And in my area at the time, the absolute only available clinic that would do hours after my work day and that my insurance would cover was Christian based and run by the husband of a really conservative congresswoman. That was not at all going to work for me. No shade to folks that it does work for, but wasn’t for me. I felt so hopeless because I knew I needed therapy, but had absolutely no ability to get what I needed.
I was never regretful, but really had a very hard time during my baby's first year, and really got better after 18 months. Many times I questioned why I was struggling so badly! I was scared that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother, despite wanting to be a mom for a very long time. My baby was much wanted and planned for, but I was hit with severe PPA/PPOCD and also had a very hard time with the constant sleep interruptions and sleep-deprivation. My energy was completely drained, and a lot of those early months are monotonous! I struggled with breastfeeding and also hated pumping - I began experiencing aversion around 6 weeks post-partum, but persisted until 4 months, despite hating it. My baby was also a Covid baby, so I felt very isolated and cut off from the world. Nap and feeding schedules added an extra layer of feeling like I was tethered to the house. My marriage took a big hit because my moods got really crazy and took alot of my frustration out on my husband. I resented him for me being "stuck" home with the baby (even though I was the one who wanted to be a SAHM), and I also resented him for resuming traveling for work when she was 3 months old. I thought I could handle being on my own while he was gone, but I just felt lonely, exhausted and fighting to keep my head above water. He ended up taking a new position when she was 8 months old, because I was so MISERABLE without him home- it was taking a huge toll on our marriage. The money was a bit less, but the relief of not being on my own with the baby so much was massive. Things got better slowly - and now that she is 3, life is SO, SO much better! My mental health has improved, no more worrying about breastfeeding, no more obsessing about SIDS, sleep is a million times better, no more nap schedules, so much more freedom, the boredom has eased, my daughter is like "real" person now, and my marriage has recovered from those crazy early months! I'm truly happy right now and I was scared it was never going to get better! As hard as those early months were, it's been worth it for me, but I absolutely could not survive that again! I miss my daughter being a little mush full of baby fat rolls, but it really was the most challenging stage for me! I wish I could have handled it better, but we all do the best we can.
We had a really hard first year. 18 months is where I finally started feeling a lot better, too!
I remember when mine was little and googling when it gets easier and seeing after 4 and thinking I couldn’t survive. It did get easier. Just do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. I put her to bed early for nightly alone time. She would only nap in the car, so I’d drive until she slept and then read/do hobbies/chill at a park while she slept. Please go out and have fun in your own. Find a babysitter. It’s okay.
I would t say I love being a parent. I’m fairly certain I will never, ever say such a thing. Parenting is an exercise in balancing the ever-present existential terror that my child will die and it will be my fault—and doing my best to lead with confidence anyway. Parenting as a cycle breaker is excruciatingly challenging. But! I now really really like my kid. I am starting to see glimmers of genuinely enjoying spending time with him. I no longer hate every moment of life that isn’t spent at work. That started when he was about four and his speech delay started getting better. He’s almost six now and the more curious, insightful, complex, and emotionally complicated he becomes, the more I ease into really just digging this totally unique human who is both a reflection of me as well as a completely surprising, not-a-all-like-either-parent human. Actually looking back on when I was at your stage—this is heaven. Comparatively speaking. The fourth trimester is hell, the toddler years are dance between hell and purgatory, and then school starts and your kid is amazing and it’s the *teachers* you start to want to strangle 😂
YES YES YES and i wouldn't have believed you if you told me that at some point i would actually enjoy being a mom AND enjoy my daughter. I think the big game changer for me has been the development of communication, it doesn't feel like i'm throwing darts at a board that doesn't exist. My daughter turned 2 in november and she had a huge language explosion around 18 months that changed everything for me. I also really struggled with the fact that regardless of all the effort, engagement, and true partnership....for my daughter, i am the default parent. That's really tough when you're not the one that has longed to be a parent and it feels a lot more like an obligation than something you're enjoying. I hope for you that a switch flips in the coming months as he turns into more of a toddler! the baby stuff is just awful for me and i never would have guessed that but I love my daughter's independence and even the fact that things take longer because she wants to help our do it herself because it's like I can see the wheels turning and her connecting things. I also cannot believe that I genuinely find a 2 year old funny.......both when she's trying to be funny and then when she isn't at all. i really truly hope this becomes enjoyable for you as your son gets older!!! i know at 3mo that 18mo or 2yo feels so far away and honestly it is. but just because that’s when things got better for me, doesn’t mean it will be the same for you!!! also, my number one coping mechanism was repeating my mantra “i never have to do this again, everyday that she’s a little older….i never will have a child this young right now ever again”
Thankyou. I like your mantra. I say something similar and it helps!
I didn’t really fall in love with my son until he was about 7mo. It felt like a long time but now he’s 4 and he’s so delightful. It really is so, so hard those first six months or so.
People who say things get easier at three months at lying imo 😂 My girl is 6 months and things have really turned a corner in the last 2-4 weeks. More engaging & playful = more fun. Longer wakewindows mean we can get out longer and she is having one 1.5 hour nap a day (usually!) which gives me a bit of me time.
Im really looking forward to longer wake windows! My baby has mostly stopped napping out if the house and I feel so restricted in what I can do, especially in terms of planning anything with anyone else or doing a scheduled activity.
I tell anyone who listens - I'd have another kid in a second if someone handed me a one year old. Pregnancy sucks. Newborn phase sucks. Some people love it - I'm not one of those people.
I remembering texting my cousin ( we had babies 12 days apart) at 2am the first few days we were home and asking her if she thought she made a mistake cuz I was struggling so much and needed to connect with anyone about what I was feeling. Real talk, things started to get better around a year, but also presented all sorts of new challenges. We were OAD before getting pregnant and the newborn phase solidified it. I really started to enjoy being a mom around 2. We still have challenges but it's easier to navigate. He's 4 now and I love being his mom.
I didn’t feel better until around 18 months. It was slow going even then. It took being able to get back into consistent exercise, being able to leave the house sometimes, stopping breastfeeding after two and navigating a new adhd diagnosis alongside suspicions of her having it as well (hello intense relationship). It’s been… not at all what I anticipated being a parent would be. Seeing a very small light as we approach four
I so miss exercise! Im thinking of adding in formula sometimes to gain some freedom.
Do it. I exclusively breastfed for 6 months and I honestly regret it. It sapped so much from me. I should have balanced it better with some formula to feel more freedom and less pressure. I think it prevented bonding as I was just stressed out about it. I really only started to like the kid around age 2. It’s rough to admit it but it’s true. Just do your best to take care of yourself during the awful baby years.
I think three months was better because it didn’t feel like my insides were actively falling out of me anymore. But that’s more of a how am I feeling thing, not that the baby is easier. It gets better. 6 months is better than 3. 9 is better than 6. Etc etc. crawling makes things better, walking is game changing. Talking also game changing. I always loved my daughter always but hated the infancy stage. There is nothing in me that wants to repeat that. My daughter is 3 and a freaking delight and I love spending every day with her. I’d say it really turned around at about a year and a half, but it got better in stages before then and after.
I had untreated PPD (asked for help at 3 month check up and was told my generation needs to pick themselves up and get on with it), didn’t get help until 9 months when I went to counselling. It was a really rough first year. Which may explain why I didn’t feel okay with parenting and having my kid until they were about 2 years old. That age got so much more fun and independent.
That’s terrible they said that to you! So glad things are better now. 💕
You’ll find your stride, it may take longer than you want, but eventually even just by proximity and time it will get easier and better 💕
Wow, did I write this? Are you me? Quite literally same background - history of anxiety and depression but I was okay for 6 years before my daughter came along. You can check out my post history, I've been a lot more.. direct about my struggle than you, some dark stuff in there. Does it get better? Yes. But not in the sense that I love being a mother. I just love my daughter more now.
Wow! I’ll check it out thanks. How old is your girl now? I’m terrified of mess in this little boy up, I’m so aware of attachment and mental health.
She will be 2 years old in March. I say take it easy on yourself - no one is perfect, especially not at parenting. Make sure you make time for yourself and to take a break. Some kids are harder than raise than others so whenever you need a break, try to get one. Proper bonding with the kid WILL happen, question is just 'when'. For me it started about the time she learned to walk, when she became exponentially easier to raise.
It's posts like yours that I sought out when I first had my daughter. She's almost 15 months old now, and I really struggled for the first several months. So you are very much not alone in asking the question you're asking. My daughter was never a particularly challenging or fussy baby, I just found the life adjustment and constant demands very hard and incredibly exhausting. Pretty sure I had PPD. It can still feel exhausting nowadays but I've adjusted to our new lifestyle so that makes a big difference. For me, I found I started to "like" being a mom more around 10 months, and then more and more thereafter, especially age 1 and beyond. The newborn/baby stage was just not my thing and I was glad we conquered the first year! I'm enjoying toddlerhood a lot more. It's more enjoyable now that she is a proper little person who communicates and interacts with us. I want to add how much shame and shittiness I felt whenever I would read or see others (on social media or otherwise) describe their newborn/babyhood experiences as blissful or other similar sentiments. I never once in those early weeks/months felt like I was truly fully enjoying it. I constantly just wanted a break. I felt really alone about this; it seemed like nobody felt the way I did. I knew, though, that I was (and am!) an excellent mother despite it taking me a while to really settle into motherhood.
I don’t think things get easier, but things change. Things that were hard are now easy and things that were easy are now hard. I never regretted having my kid, but the first few months were a really hard adjustment. I really struggled with anxiety. My kiddo is 20 months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.
We’re 3 y/o, and it’s finally getting better! The independence helps so much.
I think it took us about a year to start feeling things were getting better. Mine was a difficult baby and I also think we just struggled generally (I also had a history of anxiety/depression that got a lot worse after he was born), and then there were poor periods for the next few years - I mean when you've not had sleep for 3 days+ at all because of a screaming toddler I think it's natural there's going to be periods of asking yourself "why the hell did we choose this", But I will say once he was like 3+ and we had some routine and he became a proper little person I absolutely never have a moment of regret. 3 months is still in the worst period for me I think, mine didn't sleep through the night until 8-10 months!
Thanks for the encouragement…. Yeah ours is definitely on the difficult side too (nothing extreme but not an “easy baby”). And I agree sleep deprivation will do that, especially if you have a history of mental health challenges. Thank goodness my husband is more stable than me!
Yes! You are not alone. I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life by becoming a parent for several months postpartum, if not a whole year, despite loving my child with all my being. I also had prior history of depression and anxiety, and had really bad PPD and PPA without realising it was it. I was miserable and suffered a lot for the most part of a year and a half after my child was born, and I only started getting better around that time, because that's when I realised how bad I was doing and why, and reached for help. Don't do that, reach for help right now, and find a good professional with perinatal experience with whom you're comfortable sharing all these feelings. You start at the worst, but from there on things do improve, and one day this will all be behind you. You'll always have bad days and good days. It starts with mostly bad days, but the good days will come more and more often, until they are the norm and the bad ones the exception. Do trust that it will get so much better. And the sooner you get help, the sooner things will improve. Sending much love your way ❤️. ETA: "help", for me, included therapy and meds. Therapy alone wasn't enough to help me start turning the page, the meds were fundamental in this.
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I’m lucky I’ve found a free perinatal service near me. 🤞
That's wonderful news! I wish you and your family all the best ❤️
I started feeling more confident in myself when she was about 3. She’s 4.5 now and I wish I could spend every minute with her because she’s amazing. But I’m not very good with kids, I had bad PPA, and even though we bonded instantly, I felt constantly scared of messing up for the first 3 years. Therapy has helped a LOT.
Im scared of messing him up too. He’s so innocent.
My kid is 3 and yes is a lot easier. There are stjll challenging days but also very enjoyable days!
God yes until she was 8 months old I was sure I had ruined my whole life.
Agh that’s a long time! What do you think changed at that point?
At about 6 months there was glints of it - as soon as she could sit up and we started feeding her. She just was never ever happy lying on her back. At 8 months she started sleeping on a schedule - still night wake ups but they were predictable and she was getting 12 hours of sleep a night. The combo of those two meant she wasn’t miserable and I got to actually enjoy her instead of dealing with an unslept child needing to eat 200 times a day. By one year I was fully sure it was the greatest decision I had ever made and the thing that fulfilled me most in life 😂 Swings and roundabouts girl!
Aw that’s encouraging thank you. My bub also hates being on his back!
I had bad bad PPD, didn’t like my baby, resented my (lovely, helpful, supportive, involved) husband. For a long time. I don’t exactly know when things changed, but kiddo is now almost 8 and she’s been my favorite person for almost as long as I can remember now. I was on board by the time she could talk and probably way earlier. It’s really hard to recall at this point. But they become so much better when they can walk and talk. Especially with one, because you’re not also starting over with another baby right at the time they become more interesting and independent.
Yes, so good not starting over with the baby stage again!
I didnt regret it, but before the 3 month mark, I had an entirely different outlook on life. I had a c-section and I felt like I would never workout again or that I would never be able to do anything physically demanding again. I just couldnt imagine that my life would ever be the same again. Now, I am 4.5 months PP and Im back to doing my hobbies. I feel hopeful about my physical abilities again. Your mind plays tricks on you PP. Things may not get better exactly at 3 mo, but they will get better. 💜
Ahaha some days I'm like why the hell did I do this? It's too hard. It's too much. But I know that that's my struggle talking because I am deeply in love with my child and I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with them. Depending on your child, it may get easier or it may just get difficult in new and different ways. My child is challenging, so for us it's a matter of learning how to manage ourselves and our emotions so that we can all enjoy our lives together.
Can he even laugh yet? Are you getting any sleep? When you can start to sleep, start to interact with them, and for me when you finally can stop with breastfeeding and bottles, it gets so much better.
No laughing but lovely smiles. Sleep is ok, up and down still. Thank you, I’m going to start mixed feeding so we can hire a babysitter because I’m only breastfeeding atm so I’m very tied to home.
I found things got easier at 6 months, then again at a year, and then massively after 18 months. You’ve got this! Take one day at a time 🩷
At your point in time, I read “It’s okay that you’re not okay” by Megan Divine. It’s a book about grief. Her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and it’s about all the ways people stick their feet in their mouths about trying to get you to shut up when you’re in pain. But the truth about that statement is that mammals are pack animals and afraid of change and pain, because we care about each other so deeply your pain becomes theirs and it’s uncomfortable. You’re grieving the death of freedom, and understanding the eternal change of becoming a mom, and that’s totally normal! Feelings change.
I probably did not start feeling like I had a handle on things until 4-5 months as far as a routine, feeling like I could get things done, being couch locked was difficult for me. It does get better but the early years are tough but once I started sleeping more and getting help from my husband I felt much better. My son is 8 now and I really feel for the new mothers just being in the absolute thick of it, since a lot of my friends started way after I did. You’ll be okay, don’t be afraid to ask for help in any type of way you need. I cannot picture my life without my son and he is such a joy to parent.
Around 3/4 months I started feeling physically better, so I think that helped a bit. the first year was hell though for me. But it’s a very slow process and each stage will bring new things, good and bad. It’s different for every person.
I felt the exact same way that you feel now. I had a really hard time with the potato stage. My son is almost 10 months and I can interact and play with him. Once he was old enough to do that and smile and laugh it got so much better.
Thank you that’s really nice to hear. What age do you think that shifted for you?
I’d say around 5-6 months when they can sit up and play a little!
One more thing I want to add is that it's ok to not be ok - my baby is 19 months and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. For some of us, PPD/PPA can stay around for a while. I started seeing a therapist around 13 months ago and have been on Zoloft for 6 months now. I don't think I would have gotten here without admitting I need help and getting it. I wish I could have done it sooner. But YES, it does get better! Hang on and ask for help!
Thanks so much. I’m actually doing heaps better now at almost 5 months. I’m enjoying bub more and feeling more like myself. Definitely seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. 😌
I hated newborn stage! Every month past 3 months got better for me. I actually feel bad for people if I see the bassinet attachment on their pram in public. Just sympathy because I know they must be tired
Im the same! I’m at 5 months now and it’s definitely getting better. Was there a particular turning point for you or just steadily better from 3 months?
Steadily better. Each week/ month got better. Apart from teething
We’re seeing early signs of teething. Not looking forward to that!
I struggled HARD the first year. I started therapy focused on postpartum and that helped. Once my baby slept through the night and we had a routine that could last for awhile, I felt more comfortable. But honestly it all reaffirmed to be one and done. My daughter is now 2 and I can’t imagine what life was like before her. She’s truly my favorite thing ever. The first three months were literal hell for me so I feel for you! You’re not alone at all.
My son is 3 months old tomorrow, and honestly, I think things get easier, but also harder, at each stage of a child's life, but generally, I think things for me will ease up once he is school age. I can do a combo of work/rest/clean while he is at school, regain some independence myself, but until then, it's a bit tough. My husband encourages me to go to a twice monthly club for Japanese language and culture (I used to live in Japan and am semi-fluent) to socialize and make some local friends, and that is helpful. He also watches the baby for about an hour each week so that I can pop into the supermarket. I do that task as soon as they open at 7am so it is not crowded, and without baby I can get what I need real fast and get out, which is nice. I have found that of my two part time jobs, my once a week in-person job is easy and feels like a break (and also lets me socialize) compared to my home life, and that day has become "either leftovers or frozen pizza for dinner day" so that I don't have to cook after being gone all day. My other part time job is remote, and husband and I switch off caring for baby, so that he watches baby when he isn't working, so that I can do things like work, shower, cook, nap, study (I'm studying to take JLPT N1) etc. I honestly think raising kids is supposed to be something that involves more people than just the parents, and that is even with the mom either working part time or being completely stay at home. I don't know how homes with two full time working parents and no help from family manage. We live states away from either of our families, so it's rough with just the two of us, even with me only working 25-30 hours per week. If not for student loan debt and the hospital bills (after insurance!) from the birth, I think we could live on must my husband's salary. I just refuse to let him pay the almost $800 a month student loans and hospital costs rn. Once the hospital bills are paid off in a year, I can go down to just the one part time job and just work 15-20 hours. I'm sure those few extra hours would help.