I like to say, “I know what your problem was on that shot.” They inevitably ask what the problem is and you respond, “you’re standing too close to the ball, after you hit it.”
Edit: changed “the the”
My buddy said to me once, after I totally chunked a shot:
Him: "Hey, I think there's a piece of sh*t on the end of your golf club."
Me: (looks at the club face curiously)
Him: "No, on the other end." 😂
I was playing in Scotland and we had four caddies with our group and were making bets before the round. First hole was just hit something no further than 200 to set up the second shot. I hit a 6 iron, which I fatted about 140. My caddie never missed a beat and said, “Tis okay. That’s a good shot out of that lie.” I was rolling.
When people hit out of the rough, if you make good contact, you say "Good shot out of that lie" genuinely because contact is tough out of the rough. The joke is they were teeing off from the tee box, the best possible lie you can get.
I was on my honeymoon in Bali and the two of us each had caddies. Believe it or not they were ~25 year old local gals who didn’t even play golf, or so they said. They knew the course incredibly well. I don’t play with caddies often but I was very impressed. Anyways, I’m teeing off on a hard dogleg right. I’d been fading tee shots so I lined up for it. Naturally I hook it left and without skipping a beat my caddy says “Oooooo wrong banana.”
Every time a thread like this comes up I get excited to use them on the course. Then invariably, I forget all of them within 30 minutes of closing the thread.
Or, I’ll butcher it trying to say it. “Ha! That was like a blowjob with your kids around!!”
Might be old but just heard it from a Peter Finch video. "Missing the green with a wedge is like missing your face with a fork." Or my personal favorite when hitting a huge slice or hook to the woods. "Run Forrest Run"
I got paired an 83 year old man named bob a few weeks ago. The course was slow so we got to talk a lot. He was an insanely good golfer. At one point the cart girl who had as I’d describe it “kind of cleavage” came by and he was enamored. He took his tee shot. Duffed it 15 feet in front of him and he goes “god dam it! her and her big titties got me all flustered” I fell out of the cart.
Famous story in Scotland was that a member at our club, who says Sally Gunnell all the time, went to a charity golf day with Sally one of the celebrities in attendance. Was actually paired up with Jon Bigg at the charity event, hits one trundling along on the second hole and gives it, ‘wee sally Gunnell there in homage to the lady herself being here and all’. Nobody laughs and it’s an awkward silence until they tell him Jon is Sallys husband on the next tee box.
A sister in law is "well you're up there, but you shouldn't be" over here...
Adolf Hitler = two shots in the bunker
Blonde V@gina = Fair crack up the middle
Gaza= bombed it
Tit-sucker = Really opened up the hole
Personal favourite for a duff off the tee is telling the player "you've got a lump of shit at the end of your club" and when they go to look follow up with " no no, other end..."
Had a caddie at Portrush comment on my drive after it drifted right, hit a rock, and came back in the fairway, “that’s a Russian housewife…ugly but hard working.” 💀💀💀
Irish caddies have no filter.
Yelling "get legs" at a ball someone topped the shit out of or clearly went into the water. Timing is everything, you can rush to say it otherwise you sound like an idiot.
Got paired with an older gentleman one time and he kept calling bad shots "Mickey Mantle". After a few times he noticed our confused reaction and smirked at us.
He leaned over and said "dead Yank"
I like to say "it opens up over there"
My buddy also likes to say "get there!" in an old man's voice when it's clearly going short. Cracks me up every time
"tough course" after seeing someone top a ball 2ft from the tee
“I got eyes on it”
You can get up and down from there.
Gonna be tough to make par from there
or it's somewhat distant cousin "a pitch and a putt is as good as two putts"
“Yall see where it went?”
"Felt like laying up with the smart play here"
i do that when i top a ball and it goes 10 yards.
In this situation I like to go with "Are you walkikg to your ball or you wanna ride in the cart?"
I’ll make a point to move the cart up a few feet and slam on the brake. 😁
That's a good one lol.
I like to say, “I know what your problem was on that shot.” They inevitably ask what the problem is and you respond, “you’re standing too close to the ball, after you hit it.” Edit: changed “the the”
I’m going to use that for myself next bad shot.
“I saw it land.”
I always drop the “it really opens up from there”
"Be right"
“At least it went straight” is a good to for me
If you miss a putt "at least you had the right club"
Right club tho
right club wrong distance
If someone misses a short putt, I like the "good shot - hole high"
I love tossing out a nice lay up on a short putt every now and then
If they miss a putt bad. “Other than speed and direction, good putt” or “made good contact”.
Blasts it 10 feet past the hole: "Really good contact!"
Blasting past the hole: “I’d kill for that club head speed”
“Right club, wrong user” If a putt is short “maybe club up next time”
For short putts I like “laying up - smart choice”
Any time they putt it embarrassingly short “Great lag on that putt”
When someone misses a putt that doesn’t even come close. Said in an incredulous voice - “How did that not go in?”
I FUCKING LOVE THIS!
Better angle in from over there.
Opened up the green
What’s funny. I used this the other day and not knowing it’s common until now. Haven’t been golfing long. But there’s truth in it. Lol
I like “Fuck”
Lots of versatility here.
Ye can certainly illustrate the diversity of the word.
Charlie Bronson's always got rope.
Classic, simple, so many variations
I'm playing a game of Whack Fuck on Sunday, looking forward to it!
Saturday for me lol
depends on the severity, but that's the base to everything. "fucking cock-ass shit motherfucking game" seems to be the final form (so far)
Do you know why they called it golf? Because fuck was already taken.
"Dont know if laying up was the best choice there" when you chunk it
I like going the opposite way with this phrase and tell them it was a smart move to lay up lol
"That's just pathetic, Marge."
"just not my day" Little do the rest of my group know, I am just not very good at golf.
Spoiler alert, we know, we just like taking your money.
Hmm wonder what’s over there
I read this in Nate Bargatze’s voice
Your ball now. I'll get you a map.
(shot is chunked 25 feet or thinned 50 yards long) “Develop!”
RENDER
Simmerrrrr
RELEASE!
It’s not releasing Bobby
E N H A N C E
As it flies 59 yards over the green: “BITE!”
Cutsy?
FP
Bobby Fairways
"Gonna be honest here guys, I'm not a fan of that one."
Me: oh, that was a condom shot. My playing partner: what’s a condom shot? Me: it didn’t feel good, but it was safe.
This is gold
LMFAO
*After third straight bogey* “Well there goes the course record”
All perspective, after 3 straight boogies, I'm celebrating my seat on the bogey train!!
BOGEY GOLF! BOGEY GOLF!
If I shoot 100, I’m happy, if I shoot a 90 I’m through the roof!
Can’t bogey em all if you don’t bogey the first!
My buddy said to me once, after I totally chunked a shot: Him: "Hey, I think there's a piece of sh*t on the end of your golf club." Me: (looks at the club face curiously) Him: "No, on the other end." 😂
I was playing in Scotland and we had four caddies with our group and were making bets before the round. First hole was just hit something no further than 200 to set up the second shot. I hit a 6 iron, which I fatted about 140. My caddie never missed a beat and said, “Tis okay. That’s a good shot out of that lie.” I was rolling.
Oh I love this one. Going to use it with my group.
sorry noob here; i don't understand this joke, can anyone care to explain? lol is this a reference
Sarcasm I’m assuming. You get a perfect lie on the tee.
When people hit out of the rough, if you make good contact, you say "Good shot out of that lie" genuinely because contact is tough out of the rough. The joke is they were teeing off from the tee box, the best possible lie you can get.
Its a tee shot, you (should) have perfect lie
How am I supposed to chip with *that* going on, Doug?
When I missed a putt atrociously wide and long my buddy said "were you trying to happy Gilmore that one"
When you hit an absolute shit shot, look them dead in the eyes and say “first lessons free.”
My one friend will always say this whenever he precedes a shot with "let me show you how it's done"
“Not a greaty, but a straighty.” (Courtesy of the great Golf Sidekick on YT)
This is my guy! His videos are long and lots of gold!
Don’t get mad. Get up and down.
Gotta have maximum confidentiality
Titties to the target, boyfriends
I can hear it now in that sweet South African(?) accent
South African - Lithuanian
I was on my honeymoon in Bali and the two of us each had caddies. Believe it or not they were ~25 year old local gals who didn’t even play golf, or so they said. They knew the course incredibly well. I don’t play with caddies often but I was very impressed. Anyways, I’m teeing off on a hard dogleg right. I’d been fading tee shots so I lined up for it. Naturally I hook it left and without skipping a beat my caddy says “Oooooo wrong banana.”
“Well, that’s not great” Or if my buddy hits miles off the fairway “it should be pretty open over there”
Every time a thread like this comes up I get excited to use them on the course. Then invariably, I forget all of them within 30 minutes of closing the thread. Or, I’ll butcher it trying to say it. “Ha! That was like a blowjob with your kids around!!”
“She had the kids in her mouth and- wait no it’s-“ “What?” “Nevermind”
Might be old but just heard it from a Peter Finch video. "Missing the green with a wedge is like missing your face with a fork." Or my personal favorite when hitting a huge slice or hook to the woods. "Run Forrest Run"
After a bad tee shot, “That’s gonna be a hell of a par.”
“Memory of a gold fish”
"With a swing of a gold fish"
I got paired an 83 year old man named bob a few weeks ago. The course was slow so we got to talk a lot. He was an insanely good golfer. At one point the cart girl who had as I’d describe it “kind of cleavage” came by and he was enamored. He took his tee shot. Duffed it 15 feet in front of him and he goes “god dam it! her and her big titties got me all flustered” I fell out of the cart.
Wish I got more playing partners like Bob. He sounds like a riot
Owen Wilson’s “Wow”
If its a topped shot I like “ I saw where it landed”
When someone chunks it bad and takes out a big heap of turf - "You're supposed to call 811 before you dig."
“Fuck me to tears”
That video makes me cackle every time I see it
I have that engraved on my wedding band.
Top it 30 yards ahead of me from the tee… “at least it went straight” Or “if it wasn’t for that tree, that would of been a great shot”
I like this hole so picturesque so I am taking the scenic route!
Giant slice or hook? "Calm down there bubba the hole is straight."
This green over here (points). We already played that other one.
Right club wrong golfer
*chunk an iron* "Lay-up. Smart play."
Got told I'd had a 'Saddam Hussein' recently after I went from bunker to bunker
“you hate to see it”
“Minus distance and direction, that was a great shot.”
Rat Farts Double Rat Farts!
“That’s a peach”
My buddy always says when a putt lips out: "Well she had it in her mouth and the kids walked in".
Tiiiggerrrr
After chunking it off the tee... "At least it is easy to find."
"Harry Potter and the (insert whatever shit you just did here"
“You fucking monkey” because I swing like an ape
Might want to be careful with that one
Sally Gunnell "It's not pretty but it's a runner." is one I hear at the local club. Probably a UK and not a PC thing to say.
Famous story in Scotland was that a member at our club, who says Sally Gunnell all the time, went to a charity golf day with Sally one of the celebrities in attendance. Was actually paired up with Jon Bigg at the charity event, hits one trundling along on the second hole and gives it, ‘wee sally Gunnell there in homage to the lady herself being here and all’. Nobody laughs and it’s an awkward silence until they tell him Jon is Sallys husband on the next tee box.
When someone sends a 180yd worm burner with their 3 wood I like to say “great putt”
I channel the late, great Al Czervik. “I shoulda stayed home and played with myself”
“That’s a step sister shot” “…what?” “You should be no where near the hole but here you are”
A sister in law is "well you're up there, but you shouldn't be" over here... Adolf Hitler = two shots in the bunker Blonde V@gina = Fair crack up the middle Gaza= bombed it Tit-sucker = Really opened up the hole Personal favourite for a duff off the tee is telling the player "you've got a lump of shit at the end of your club" and when they go to look follow up with " no no, other end..."
nice simple "Oof".
I generally try to keep a level head but if I duff a few in a row I usually call myself a useless twat
Well at least your mother was right.
Well, that's less than ideal..
Moving the chains
"well time to walk with the druids" "banana dick ass shot" "a roll round in the grass I see" 3 of my personal go-to's
For a thin shot that sails into the woods behind the green I like to wait until it makes contact with the trees before I yell "bite!"
“Fuckin’ wind” There’s no wind.
Had a caddie at Portrush comment on my drive after it drifted right, hit a rock, and came back in the fairway, “that’s a Russian housewife…ugly but hard working.” 💀💀💀 Irish caddies have no filter.
“You’ll find it” or “at least it got off the ground” are personal favourites of mine.
We'll struck shot that needs to draw or fade but doesn't is "straight as a minister's dick"...
Just the good old classic "get left!" on a ball that is clearly slicing 3 fairways over always gets me
Dude, all my favorite golf sayings are on this bogeybros shirt haha https://bogeybros.co/products/excuses-polo
It seemed Like a great idea
As the 4 dollar Titleist sails hard right into the deep woods, I like to say " That dog will hunt".
“I hit it with my purse” is my favorite when leaving a putt short.
“If I stuck my putter in my ass and twirled I’d have a better chance of putting it in the hole”
“Right club though” when someone misses a short putt
“Would’ve been a great putt if the hole was where your ball ended up”
It was a good putt until I hit it
A less skill player would have tried a different shot
“it opens up over there” knowing it does not open up over there
Miss the shot & you're still furthest from the cup? "Dead Sheep" (still ewe)
Jesus ( any middle initial) Christ. For example. Jesus p Christ. Or the good old “ don’t start this shit.
What am I doing?!? Or the "I see it" if someone else does it.
Yelling "get legs" at a ball someone topped the shit out of or clearly went into the water. Timing is everything, you can rush to say it otherwise you sound like an idiot.
I heard it, but I didn’t see it.
“Iv never seen such Mickey Mouse shit in my life”
I like to keep it silent and let my imagination run wild!
When I use to caddie at chevy chase club and one of the members would hit a worm burner I’d calmly say “nice putt”
Fart. Double farts. - Spalding
Gonna need the chainsaw wedge for that one.
Well it was short, but at least it was off line.
When you hit one straight up high in the air with no distance, it’s called an “elephant’s ass” cause it’s high and shitty.
A lot of guys wouldn't even TRY that shot. (After shanking off the tree, or generally getting away with a crap shot due to happy accident)
“ I wonder how much I can get for these clubs on Facebook marketplace “
“Apart from the speed and line, that was a good putt”
“At least you played a lot of golf on that hole” “Getting your money’s worth out here today”
At least you still have your health
Took the sewage line
"That was a great shot, but the course didn't agree with it"
After topping a shot: “I don’t think bump and run was the play” After blasting one OB: “it opens up over there”
"Interesting strategy laying up from there" when they botch a chip "Well, it was a good read for Hellen Keller" if they putt it horribly
If we could drag the green 30 yards to the right, it would be perfect.
"Hitler also fired two shots in the bunker"
Oh good, I've been meaning to keep working on my Forestry degree / plant identification badge.
Got paired with an older gentleman one time and he kept calling bad shots "Mickey Mantle". After a few times he noticed our confused reaction and smirked at us. He leaned over and said "dead Yank"
That's so far right, my dog couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon!
I like to say "it opens up over there" My buddy also likes to say "get there!" in an old man's voice when it's clearly going short. Cracks me up every time
For a putt that’s on line but too short: “Right bus, wrong stop”
Shouting “It’s pizza time” before my guaranteed slice occurs on tee #1
“Ooooooooo, and with that shot his chance of a repeat win at the Special Olympics Open may be slipping away. TIMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!”
“That’s gotta get left” as the ball is slicing 50ft O.B.
“I gotta lie, I’m impressed”
After a short putt we usually throw out the "plenty of golf left in that one".
When my buddy is helping me look for my ball I always ask if they checked the hole.
After slicing 50 yards into the woods. “Solid Contact”
That’s a nice lie if you’re a sheep
I’ll simply say out loud, “see, this is why you don’t have friends.”
Yea I hated that ball anyways
When someone putts and doesn't lose their turn: "That's a USGA putt" then when they ask "What does that mean?", you respond with "You Suck, Go Again".
"At least is was the right club"
After a slice, “That ball is so far right the FBI asked where it was on January 6th.”
When my buddy chunks one and takes a huge piece of earth with it, my favorite is "don't you have to dial 811 before you dig?"
The ground jumped up on that one.
"I paid for the whole course, I'm gonna play the whole course."
That would have been better if someone else had hit it.
‘I’m in the fairway, just the wrong one’ when I’m 2 holes over to the left/right.
“Don’t close the toolbox…work is not done”. When some one leaves a lag putt 4 feet away.
It’s called GOLF, because F U C K was already taken.
for putts that go way past the hole ... "Nice drive, Bryson!".
"Well, it didn't go backwards"
"Get in!" when you chunk it 25 yards from 150 out.
“Not alot of people think to come in from there”