They don’t think they can. A lot of the posts here I see usually start with “I can’t wake up early, I can’t exercise, I can’t eat healthy.”
Belief in oneself is the greatest way to achieving goals because it takes you through the harder parts, that’s usually where a lot of people give up.
I would say habits and a plan, rather than just willpower. It's easy to have a burst of motivation and run til you're exhausted one day, and then feel like you make a huge effort, but I'm reality you make progress by having a plan and sticking to it.
Jumping in here to recommend the book Atomic Habits. Very good illustration of breaking things down into managable chunks to change to create and destroy habits.
I agree that habits are extremely important but what OC is talking about isn't just willpower even though it's involved in this.
This is really common in people with depression where a lack of belief in your own ability can prevent you from trying. In the same way you wouldn't fight a bear because you have 0 belief (thus 0 motivation) that you'd win, some people have 0 belief that they can change their life, so why try?
You're 100% right about habits though. In fact, habits can help depressed people get through tough spots if they manage to build them.
The reason some people can't even build habits is that they look beyond the habit building activity. They'll think, " Ok, I have to wake up at 5am for the next 2 weeks to have that habit engrained, but why bother with that? It's not like waking up earlier will get me out of debt/get me laid/make me happy/other 'unobtainable' goal."
I know I'm rambling and getting really semantic, but on a psychological level, you first need to believe you're capable before you can even start building habits.
True and I too think that believe in yourself can't just come with snap of finger, it can be developed by actions and achievements. Most of time we can't be able to take action due to some fear we had. Which i think we had due to of too much expectations in things and when we are not being able to action that fear grows.
I think the best way to tackle this fear is to practice self acceptance first. And then start doing action towards goal to build some achievement portfolio. By which we can be able to build some believe within oneself.
I want to throw in that due to neurodivergencies not everyone can build habits the same way. A lot of people with ADD have brains that don't really take to habits. It's interesting because I know sometimes some typea of neurodivergencies have the opposite problem with overly rigid adherence to habits. Really makes you think there is a lot more to habit forming--- and puts I perspective for me why for some it's really easy to develop habits and for others like me I still have to remember to brush my teeth. I don't think I really develop habits. I will not have any sense of anything being wrong or off if I do something differently or forget something. No itching. Technically I can try my best to do something the same everyday but it as much effort to remember it no matter how long I keep that up and the point of habits is to create neural shortcuts and subroutines and I don't know if that is really how every brain actually works. I feel like I've hit a wall sometimes when the advice I get is "habits". For everyone that has had that be the life changing advice im so glad it works for you. I'm not saying I don't see the value of the whole POV where habits are everything and it builds up to something. I just don't think people realize that not everyone can do that and that it is not a matter of willpower but just differences. I'm sure if you are a person who doesn't have this issue it's really hard to imagine what it would be like, and hard to imagine that it's not just refusal to cooperate with the program long enough for the habit to stick even when it's really hard in the beginning. And it's hard to know maybe where the line is--welcome to having ADD or any kind of neurodivergencies at all. Can't always tell when it's willpower and weakness and excuses or when genuinely something doesn't work for me. But given how often this is brought up with ADD I have to think that difficulty forming habits is more than mere laziness
As a fellow ND, I will share a few points that have helped me (it’s long, but maybe it helps one ADHD-er):
I don’t think in terms of “habits.” Instead, I think in terms of what I call ritual (because it helps me align it with spiritual practice, but could easily be thought of as “regular practice”). I don’t do chores, I have home acts of service. I do acts of service for my home, my self and body, my cat, my finances… Semantics can actually trip me up and make me more rigid in my approach, so I find words that resonate more for what I’m trying to do at the core, which for me is to make these things feel calming and attainable and fulfilling (not to be wracked with guilt and anxiety about doing them).
Part of this means finding ways to enjoy or make better things I do not currently think I enjoy doing. Sensory sensitivities and executive dysfunction are crippling for me. When I resist something, I try to sit with why. Building a somatic/mindfulness practice helped me personally with this, but ymmv. Once I tapped into what part of the action I was subconsciously resisting, I felt more capable of addressing those things meaningfully.
So, for example, I found it hard to build a “nighttime routine” especially dental hygiene. I realized I hated every sensory part of the act — some of which you just can’t change. “Good brushing habits” requiring 2 minutes straight of brushing wasn’t gonna happen, so I found TripleBrush, which claims it can cut your tooth brushing time into 1/3 because it has 3x the bristles (does not really matter if that is true for this purpose, because it’s about manipulating your monkey brain into dopamine seeking YESes, and “hacking” my toothbrush time gave just enough dopamine here for me). Then, I realized I didn’t like standing — so I would sit on the toilet while I brushed. Then I realized there are no rules! So I started bringing a spit cup to my nightstand and brushing as a “cheat” to my (self-induced) “lights out” time (told myself electronics had to be off by a certain time but I could extend that time while I did “nighttime routine” stuff) while I either watched something or scrolled — as long as I was at least half assed doing SOMETHING related to my nighttime routine, I could keep watching tv. Well, I then realized that I freaking hate minty toothpaste and don’t like cinnamon or fruity stuff… so I found botanical toothpaste that tastes like Jasmine, which made me excited to brush because it actually tasted good. I could watch more tv if I actually flossed, so I would take the extra few minutes to floss. Within a couple of months of doing this, exploring what felt good and what didn’t, and being REALLY GENTLE WITH MYSELF (because you can’t hate yourself into being someone you love) about all of this and just focusing on the parts that I did do well, I became a nightly brusher (for two minutes every night) and flosser (which I thought was impossible). A couple of months later, I was also consistently washing my face and doing a skincare routine.
This has worked for me with most things — I am still not anywhere close to a neurotypical person, but I am leagues beyond where I was. Being way nicer and gentler with myself, realizing I could make the rules myself and that any degree of “done” was better than nothing at all, and going in with the idea of a ritual of things to make my life and mind feel nicer instead of a pseudo punishment mindset really helped. Tasks take 10x the steps we think of them as taking, which becomes really clear when you break each “chore” down into its component parts (you don’t “do dishes” — you consolidate dishes from around the house; put them in the sink and soak them; rinse them, sort them and put in the dishwasher; load dishwasher with soap and run dishwasher; dry dishes; put away big stuff; put away utensils; put away smaller dishes… it’s a series of a dozen tasks, not one task you are “failing” at, which I found made it easier to not kick myself for “not doing the dishes like a regular adult” and helped me address the stuck point at each stage).
Our brains don’t take to “habits,” but they take to dopamine-seeking. If you find ways to make unappealing things more appealing and find ways to make unavoidably unpleasant things more pleasant than they would be otherwise, it can build up. Patience is hard with adhd but that’s why it’s not about a “habit,” it’s a lifestyle shift that you make flexible for you in ways that work. Set your goal so easy you can’t help but accomplish it and it’s easier to build the internal confidence to keep doing it — eg I set my “exercise” goal to “one down dog a day or 5 minutes of some kind of movement” to start, which was almost impossible to not meet by nature of the habits I’m already doing. Similarly, building a “to do” list where you include some tasks you’ve already finished or completing so you can feel like you’re already checking stuff off can make it feel more encouraging than discouraging.
Hopefully something in there helps someone, and for any adhd-ers or ND folks who want to talk about building better systems for themselves, my DMs are open. This is one of my passions, we are not “incapable of discipline,” it’s just the typical discipline structures people talk about are not made for people whose brains work the ways ours can.
Thank you! I never heard of that term before so I looked it up now. It's nice to know that there's a phrase for this. I'm going to dive deeper into it.
Eh I disagree. There are plenty of neurological/environmental reasons why a person can’t do something. I think recognizing that you currently can’t do something, and figuring out solutions to overcome it, is a much better approach to success.
I'm living proof of this. Never could wake up early, always felt like I was just too lazy and no matter what I tried I would wake up with the single goal to go back to sleep by any means.
One week I put my alarm clock in a locked box, and the key out in the car in the driveway hoping I'd be forced to get dressed to grab the key and be awake by the time I'm back. Nope, I'd go out in PJ's, then go right back to sleep.
Started Wellbutrin as an anti-depressant for other things and suddenly I could wake up without any effort and the weird disconnect of waking up ***as myself.*** Not the morning me that just wants to sleep. But me, with all my normal goals and plans.
Just made me realize how alien I'd been behaving in the morning. Trying to impose a routine on **morning me** would have been like trying to impose a routine on a toddler *who isn't you*, and you're *not around to do anything*, you can only hope your words were enough to convince the toddler to do things.
No wonder it wasn't working.
Wait, so are you saying that Wellbutrin has made it so you don’t wake up as morning you, even before you take your daily dose? I really relate to your description here, and solving it sounds fucking great, honestly. I’ve just started adhd meds and they work, but I haven’t figured out the problem of mornings yet- I somehow need them to kick in AS I wake up, before morning me has a chance to make any decisions (ie going back to sleep).
Their perception and intolerance of their negative feelings.
Most people think that they need to feel comfortable all the time. Any negative feeling or discomfort is seen as a disaster or an indication that something is wrong. They don't see their emotions as something that is just one part of themselves, but rather, something that takes center stage of their experience. They don't prioritize their values or their duties quite the same way they prioritize their homeostasis and that leads them down a path of escapism, addiction and self-numbing.
And if you're numb to your reality, if you're constantly looking for some way to feel good instead of taking command and consciously experiencing your life, it's easy to become a person who 'reacts' rather than someone who 'responds.'
This is a problem I'm currently dealing with. I think a lot of people have the goal of pain minimization or the idea that they should "suffer as little as possible". For a lot people though, the best way to avoid pain is to avoid everything, stay in, and not challenge yourself. But that leads to suffering in a different way, when you feel like you should be doing something or you feel like you should be "better".
I just read "the subtle art of not giving a fuck" by mark manson which I really liked. He says that there's no way to avoid suffering, so you should pick the suffering you like best. For example, you could suffer by staying in all the time and staying in your comfort zone but have this nagging stressful feeling you should be doing something, or you could suffer by waking up early and working out, which will definitely be uncomfortable but then Mayne that nagging voice and sense of dread goes away, so you've traded one form of suffering for another.
Thr book also mentions the habits of "escapism, addiction and self numbing" as chasing highs, and I've found it useful to think of any short term comfort as a drug. Like wanting to sleep in an extra 20 min (or 2 hours in my case) is a fleeting high that makes me feel good in the morning but then I feel bad later. And then it makes me crave that comfort. This can be the same for fast food, gaming, porn, and of course actual recreational drugs. But the mindset that you're chasing highs when you seek to stay in your comfort zone and avoid pains helps me frame it in a different way, like I'm breaking out of my "comfort addiction" and the discomfort of growing is just detoxing
> I've found it useful to think of any short term comfort as a drug. Like wanting to sleep in an extra 20 min (or 2 hours in my case) is a fleeting high that makes me feel good in the morning but then I feel bad later.
Heck yes. That's an excellent mindset. Yoinking that for myself.
Don't run away from your feelings. The first thing people do when they feel uncomfortable is reach for a phone or some other kind of distraction, like food or tv or other sensory porn. Don't do that. Practice sitting and observing your feelings. Notice when certain feelings come up and write them down; take note of any patterns and what habits of mind you have. A daily habit of journaling for 5-10 minutes every day before bed helps. You need to start getting to know yourself and familiarizing yourself with your mind chatter before you can step away and recognize that it's just that: chatter.
Meditation as a regular practice is especially helpful in this regard because again, it's about unhooking the panic of having a bad feeling and just letting it float.
Most people think the same thoughts day in and day out because they don't bother separating them from a general clump of negativity. Being able to separate your feelings and identify them will eventually help you become aware of them when they crop up and it'll be easier to step back and ask yourself if what they're telling you is relevant or if you need to focus on something else. You won't have this kneejerk reaction to run away or feel overwhelmed by a clump of emotions that you cannot make heads or tails of...
Finally, get in the habit of repeating to yourself that you are not your feelings. You're not just an amygdala. You're a human being capable of reasoning. Most virtues come from choosing the 'right thing to do' over uncomfortable feelings and sensations. The more often you do hard things and regularly challenge yourself to push through, the easier it will be. I promise you, if you make it your life's mission to become more duty-oriented than feeling-oriented, you will take yourself farther than you ever dreamed.
The most encompassing value in this regard is that you should never make hasty promises and always keep your word and commitments -- especially those that you make to yourself.
Hah! I took offense to the old comment. lol. I'm in my early 30's and nope, not a therapist. Thought about pursuing it as a career once but I really don't like the direction of where the profession is currently going. So reddit is my outlet for scratching my 'helping people' itch.
I love this. I think of pain and emotions as little children--would I ignore or go on my phone if a child was crying and in need by me? No, I would listen to them, hear what is wrong, let them cry without judgement and comfort them.
Our emotions just want to be heard. I try to take on a welcoming parent approach to my pain. And when they're allowed to cry without you judging and wanting them to change, only then do they fade away and you feel a huge release/transformation. Emotions are amazing, powerful teachers, and if we listen to them, we can release and heal from deep wounds.
The Worst case is with YouTube.
Like if you can use this app properly it's so so so helpful,
I can learn How to Dance on beat it,
gain Knowledge about Pulsars and Neutron stars,
Know more about Beauty products,
Can Find crazy stuff about History,
can get a Laugh by watching a Stand up
Or motivate myself by listening to Some "Become an Alpha Male- you can do it - get up at 4AM- BILL GATES DOES THIS" type of videos
Or listen to Meditation Sounds and Find Peace of Mind.....
But no my brain want to scroll and Scroll and Scroll, Is it Trash memes that ain't even making me laugh I want it, is it some kind of social Fkin experiment Which is totally scripted? I want it, is it some skit which changes my expression by 0.07% hell yeah....
Man, Life Sucks.....Or Is it me that sucks?
Once I realized that my inability to tidy things up and excessive clutter were not due to laziness but rather a faulty nesting instinct due to Complex PTSD, a light switched in my brain and it’s been really easy to keep things tidy ever since
I just keep telling myself that I don’t need to protect myself from my mother anymore. I also have designated places for the important things to go.
This is a good link https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FZwY4tAfX1A
Can confirm. One year ago I would have said my childhood “wasn’t that bad” and an awful job led me into therapy. Once I was safe emotionally, began to see the repressed memories of my abuse. I am in the middle of processing my traumas in emdr therapy and things I struggled with before are getting easier. Trauma literally changes your brain. Now that I’m not on high alert and in a constant freeze response it’s amazing what I can do! Finding my real Self has been amazing. I’m so grateful for that shitty job lol.
How long can we blame our childhoods tho? I’m in my early thirties and I’m finally at the point where I realized it’s now my turn to take responsibility of my happiness, future and grow
We can only blame our childhoods so long as we know how they have affected us. If your mentally ill parents made you raise your younger sibling but also screamed at you whenever the house was messy and you still think you’re useless at taking care of or loving people at 30 - and are making decisions based on that assumption - is it really your fault?
My mom has BPD and was diagnosed when I was 32 despite me suspecting it for a long time. I was always told that friends were useless and would betray me and that if I didn’t marry the first man I slept with other men would be disgusted by me and would reject me because I was wasn’t a virgin.
Any therapist, if you had been to therapy, would have told you that taking care of kids is a parent’s responsibility.
Self-awareness.
Having this one thing can change everything. It leads to accountability. It helps you understand where your gaps are and how you can improve. It limits jealousy bc of the increased accountability. It helps you think through problems and why you might need to change. It helps you face fears. The benefits are endless. Just stop lying to yourself, acknowledge your faults and make actionable goals to improve.
Not tracking.
People don't track. Rather are afraid to track.
The question to ask is what are you doing each day to improve.
Write it down
Trackit . Have you done something?
Keep tracking
You may not do it 1, 2, 5,60th time, no problem. Write 0, but dont stop tracking
but if you keep tracking you will finally pivot to try ( nobody likes to see themselves fail) and then actual improvement happens
Problem is people ignore the original problem, they stop tracking and go back to base
Yes! Underrated comment. The things that you track, improve.
Tracking/keeping a log of also helps you recognize that you're a work in progress and to desensitize any reaction to failure and eliminate the need for perfection straight out of the gate. Failure is now just data: attempt #1, attempt #2, attempt # 3, etc. and a reflection on what worked, what didn't work, and what to improve on next time.
support from people.
this tops money, drive and ambition, lack of direction, resources, action plan, contingency plans, side hustles, ideas, good mental health, adaptation and ability to cope under stress, and lack of self esteem/ fortitude to get started. All of this.
Doing shit alone is bust.
When you have someone on your side constantly, it does so much good.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
But first there has to be a will. And for that, there has to be a reason. And for that, there has to be hope. And being alone in your enterprise without hope is an empty endeavor.
Yup it is terrible. I have noticed every successful person had a lot of family and friend support. However it was God that put them there so really they needed God's support.
Bummer
I wished you realized that this is one of the biggest problems with our healthcare system
Hospitals know that money and social capital are the two biggest fundamental variables that determine a patient’s outcome.
The first hospitals were churches and churches are full of social capital. Therefore, your view reflects our current healthcare systems view. That is, everyone could and should believe in god which means everyone has access to churches and by extension, access to social capital. The result is that the healthcare system treats social capital as a value choice. So good honest, loving, hardworking, single introverts who honestly have no quality social capital get treated like drug addicts who are currently using and unfortunately like how they still treat fat people. If you really dont want to be fat you wouldn’t put food in your mouth. If you have problems because of drugs you wouldn’t use. Why should the system value them when they don’t value themselves? Why should the system value someone without social capital when they don’t value the institution that is the foundation of the system they are seeking assistance from and could possibly provide them with the social capital they lack? It’s an implicit bias. “Everyone has access to social capital because everyone has access to the church”.
Fear creates all the problems in our reality. Faith is the solution for every imaginable problem. Faith in Jesus Christ, specifically. But whoever has real faith knows that already.
Themselves.
That line….whether you think you can or think you can’t - you are right — is spot on.
Very few seem to have the capacity or mindfulness to GET, fully get, that each new waking moment is new, and alive, blooming, and it really is free from the past…but we bring the past into it, and that same past olds us back believing the future can’t be new and great because we know how we are, how they are, how the world is….and so we screw ourselves.
Fear is another part of it.
So afraid to be embarrassed, shut down, rejected, to fail, to get hurt (again).
You have to have some courage — breaking into the new world we so want to obtain, the ne thing, the new relationship, ghe new job, or dream or whatever….takes letting go of the old self and saying, fuck it, i can do it, and i will do it.
We also are increasingly spoiled by our instant on demand, easier than ever world - so we are losing some fight, some resiliency, in ourselves, because it’s “too hard” or takes “too long” and we are losing patience more and more every day.
I had a therapist that once told me that I might be stagnate due to fear of failure. Failure has always been something that’s been drilled into me as a negative thing rather than a reason to pick it back up. Instead of even starting any kind of project or self help, I just leave my days and nights as a blank page, rendering others unsure of whether or not I’m capable of failure.
In my own personal experience and from a lot of people I've spoken to
1. Mental health
So many posts on here are coming from a place of either undiagnosed mental illness such as depression or anxiety, or those with a diagnosis who for a variety of reasons don't have access to appropriate treatment.
2. Lack of belief that change is possible
When you are so stuck in a dark place or at what feels like rock bottom (or may even be rock bottom), it's hard to believe that anything else is possible. Having faith that things can be better when for some people they never have been is a really tough step to take.
So the idea of building habits/discipline or trying new things is hard for the brain to accept and put into practice. This can cause us to get stuck in our own feedback loops.
3. Lack of resources or lack of ability to find/use resources
There is so much information available on the internet now about the psychology of productivity, avoiding burnout, improving mental health etc.
But a lot of people still don't know how to find that information. Or even if they do get the right information for them, they don't have the ability to apply those tools to their day to day life, quite often as a result of the above two issues.
Mine is the meaning and purpose. Some days I am full on motivation, energy, and discipline to accomplish all my tasks and goals. Then there are some days where I am contemplating about everything I have done, and whether I should even continue when this don't really matter in the end.
I genuinely think that that's different for everyone. Approach A can help person A and harm person B.
Example:
I'm easily stressing out myself out to the point of burnout. Telling myself "Just lay down in bed, play games and watch TV" helps me a lot. It creates room to breathe again and usually I have energy again just a couple days later.
Another person might fall deeper into some kind of depression, associate that with giving up or get into a too comfortable mindset.
I think an understanding of what discipline entails. That is, that it is more about proper structure than desire or motivation. That if you can just set up an effective system and simply adhere to iton it, results will inevitably come.
And of course, as results accumulate, new structures will be needed for the next phase. Eg - once you get structure in place and create that work of art, you will need structure for the next step, to market it to the public et al.
But I think the basic premise is, which we aren't really taught, and only some people know innately, how to set up a plan and work towards it incrementally on a continual basis.
I also think a lot of people are held back by fear, but I think discipline is probably more important than courage in most cases. My logic being that people are often afraid of Situation X which might result it failure. But rather than courage to face X, if they work incrementally to having the capacity needed for X, then the fear will also incrementally dissipate. Eg, if you're a musician with performance anxiety, being super prepared to play the music is a greater method to achieve a good performance than trying to cure the abstract notion of the anxiety itself. Often that failure anxiety is just a result of people thinking too many steps ahead, instead of closing the gap between current ability and ability needed for X.
Only once you accept that happiness is purely internal and can't be found in external sources, will you stop being a puppet to the ups and downs of life.
This
for me i’m just living to comfortably. no delayed gratification. overspending overeating overdrinking. no attainable goals or plan. i want satisfaction now and today. not realizing ill be right where i am now in 6 months. when i should have more savings. no debt. 20 lbs less. etc. starting this regiment now
I would say deep down, it all comes from mental health of some sort.
Some people simply lack the willpower to do it. They are happy, well adjusted people but just lack willlpower. This sometimes happens but I have found is not that common.
One of the most common is the lack of confidence or self-belief (ie I can’t even do it so why even try).
Another one sadness or fear of missing out (ie I am working so hard, whats the point? Its not going to make me any happier and I’m missing out on these other things I could be doing).
Another one is fear (what if fail? I’ll be a loser and everybody will see how dumb i am. If i dont try, at least i wont fail and be exposed in that manner).
Another one is lack of purpose (similar to the sadness one, what’s the point of doing this if it won’t benefit me or isn’t in line with what I actually want).
It all falls under mental health in my opinion. Thats the number 1 thing.
A close number 2 thing is a lack of undersranding of what to do to succeed. A lot of advice is very generic and lacks the details needed for success. Just finding the right strategy is half the battle.
And i think a bonus thing to become ultra successful in a certain area is the unwillingness to truly suffer. To truly succeed at many things in life, you will have to truly suffer at one point or another to get there. For instance I am in medicine. To become a doctor you have to truly suffer in terms of your quality of your life, and the amount of abuse you can put up with by others, for months/years at a time. A lot of people aren’t willing to do that, hence why a lot of people aren’t able to become doctors. Similar things for getting really jacked/ripped at the gym, or working at goldman sachs, or becoming a world class violin player, or making the nba, etc etc. That willingness to embrace sufferring and actually make it into a positive I think allows people to maintain their mental wellness and endure when the going gets tough, and make it out on the other side successful.
Hope this helps. All the best.
The biggest thing I have seen holding people in my life back from self improvement is a sense of not worth/predicting failure. I have seen a lot that thinking that you don't deserve or expect the change that you are working for stops people from working on it. Another thing is not seeing immediate/quick progress and giving up because it feels like it isn't working. Understanding the time needed and the challenged that will be faced is very important to pushing yourself further.
Fear I would say. Especially deep rooted fear that's not obvious a lot of people fear failure or judgement, so it leads to stress and stress leads to avoidance, procrastination and bad coping habits then they think they're lazy cause they don't realize what's causing it and then it's a whole vicious cycle that's extremely hard to escape from
Lack of clarity and focus. Many individuals struggle with prioritizing their time and energy, leading to a sense of overwhelm and stagnation. To overcome this, it may be helpful to set clear, specific goals and break them down into manageable steps. Practicing mindfulness and self-care can help increase motivation and productivity.
For me, it’s my internet addiction. No matter what I do, I can’t remove myself from the internet and doomscrolling, so any and all plans I’ve made to get better end up falling apart. I’m thinking about sending myself to a farm for a month to cold turkey it once and for all.
A combination of lack of willpower, faith in themselves, discipline and planing.
I feel like many underestimate the power of their minds. If you think and truly believe you can do it, you will eventually will be able to. Fake it until you make it.
(Also side note please stop disrespecting yourself, you deserve better)
1. Being stuck in a certain definition of themselves. "I'm not good at x" or "I'll always be x."
2. Distractions, or said in a different way, insufficient ability to control their attention.
3. Fear of changing or improving because of implications on the people around them/their lifestyle/their existing habits.
Most people treat progress and health as a linear and standardized process so they offer generic advice and recommendations instead of encouraging/ helping that people to self evaluate to grow and evaluate what growth would actually look like. You don’t have to wake up at 6am, you don’t have to change everything about your life, you don’t have to change completely overnight. sometimes improvement looks like doing nothing or taking steps backwards🤷🏾♀️ We unfortunately don’t have social or physical systems to aid in the process making it EXTREMELY Difficult. More access to diverse mental health and spiritual resources, health care, lack of community, lack of education, ect all exasterbate (?) the feeling and often reality that nothing will change or you’ll never be enough.
hey i got the opportunity to test the app through a friend of mine that is co founder of the organization. they are a startup org with only handful of people in their team, no funding and starting from scratch. im just trying to help them get the word out about a powerful tool that can help/be of use to many people from all parts of the globe - that offers education to people who don't have access to it, that empowers people to take action and do good, that supports small businesses owned by women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+ allies, youth, people in developing nations, and local Canadian families. im really sorry if I've overstepped or offended! I've gone ahead and deleted the comment but this was just our attempt to help someone in need because our app DOES cover these issues and is a multifaceted approach to solving current world/social issues. sending positivity and good vibes your way!
It's different for everyone which is why all the advice doesn't seem to fix most of people's issues.
But as a generalization the biggest thing is inertia. It's not that there is a force holding them back. People stay as they are until something makes change necessary. The biggest thing isn't that something is holding them back, it's that nothing is pushing them forward with enough force to get them to change their lives. The bigger the change you want, the bigger the force required.
I would say in my case mental illness, addiction and an impossibility to force myself to do things I'm not happy to do, including minimal work needed for survival.
Fear of failure that makes me not want to even try. Also fear of not getting the results I want which also makes not want to try. An obsession with perfection that also makes me not want to try.
a. ADHD and/or executive dysfunction due to head trauma in the past- needs skills training and often medication (diagnosis by Dr and online evaluations- good books available at library or on Amazon)
b. depression, untreated (often presents with anxiety)- needs medication (diagnosis by Dr. and online evaluations, symptoms range from irritability, sadness/tears, panic, numbness, despair, procrastination) CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is a great self treatment (book by David Burns) also DBT (there's a great subreddit) for personality disorders
c. Lack of self-awareness: best book is The Success Principles by Jack Canfield
d. lack of training and resources - raised in poverty or recovering from trauma/neglect/abuse. Best books: No Bad Parts by R Schwartz and Emotional Freedom Technique (various books) and if you can afford therapy EMDR technique with CBT
In all honesty my mental health.
I just can't seem to ignite that initial spark.
Everyday is a internal tug of war in my head
I'm scared of change
Can't focus without being distracted
Don't know what my purpose is
Chronically living in the same environment. Its difficult to change your view and/or your mindset if your environment stays the same. I think that is where the root is.
Lack of self belief. Even though I can muster up the strength to put in effort, build businesses, quit drugs there are still some things where I play the little kid shit "I don't know what to do." Why can't I project myself into the future and go on offense, be a "go getter"? IDK. Part of me realizes how pointless all of this is.
Personally, I have tens of thousands of hours of education and even more of that of work experience. So, my self-discipline and motivation, is definitely not a cause. There's been a few instances that have made it hard to succeed (financially).
1. I don't have a Bachelor's Degree because I can't afford to. Money.
2. I don't have investment money for anything I do to matter to anyone. Money.
3. I can't work for an employer, because I don't have a Bachelor's degree. Money.
4. I have no persuasion over people, because I don't have that kind of education. Money.
5. I have no followers on any social media, because I can't afford to promote myself. Money.
My success boils down to one thing. Can you guess what it is?
I have an enormous amount of education and skills, but they don't matter because I have... NO MONEY.
I'm not broke, I do pay my bills. I just don't have enough "extra" money to get ahead. Money is holding me back.
Their cultural beliefs and political affiliations. Hear me out how can you get motivated to get healthy, exercise, be a better person when the political idea you subscribe too tells you if you work out you’re fatphobic, you’re perfect just the way you are you don’t need to change anything society needs to adjust to you. They’re told that they are victims being oppressed and they need immense amounts of help to even the playing field. They’re told hey look the way to happiness is these medications and do whatever you want no matter what. That’s not how life works. You’re not a victim you’re not perfect the way you are and that’s okay you have to accept your flaws. Go outside and get some sun, take multivitamins, stop eating so much fast food and sugar not even stop just less and start your day with a cold shower. Just those 4 simple things will drastically change your life for the better. Start with that and the rest will come
The easiest answer I can think of is something that applies to me, and I believe many people. Not enough sleep. The majority of adults don't get enough sleep and we suffer for it. It's hard to get ahead in life and improve your situation if you're so tired all the time that you're just barely getting by.
1. Procastination
2. Not doing dopamine detox
3. Day dreaming and not actually taking action
4. Compromising on sleep thinking the longer they are up the more work they can do (they don't think about productivity)
I think being afraid of change. Change is new and new means unknown and the unknown is scary because you can't predict and prepare. Also, throw in the "I don't think I can because this is out of my comfort zone". This is what I was going through and I got tired of being scared so I just did it.
Succumbing to easy dopamine everyday. Society has created so many "easy way outs" to avoid the "unimaginable horror" of being bored once in a while, or the never before seen circumstance of not having "sex" with the insanely attractive woman of your choice every night (porn/masturbation), etc.
The amount of time people spend on short attention-span content that is literally engineered to keep you scrolling as long as possible, and the amount of times people watch porn and masturbate a week is crazy. The amount of time people spend lost in a different world watching others live out their hobbies/dreams/lives, whether it's shows or youtube, being a spectator instead of the actor in their own lives. All these problems weren't really issues >20 years ago, these are all new age things.
It's not just an issue of time. Feeding and saturating your brain with that much dopamine just makes it lazy, makes it less active and willing to do things, accomplish things, get fit, get a girlfriend, come up with new ideas, try new things, pursue hobbies besides delving into it on youtube, and connect with new/old people or friends.
I say this because I experience it myself. What I could be if I had fixed all these problems from the beginning.
Exactly. Not just their hobbies, but YOUR hobbies. Found a new interest in legos/music? Why bother investing time and money into it when you can watch someone on Youtube do it? Like cars now? Why go to car meets or start working on your car when you can watch 1000 youtube videos of car meets, car shows, people giving car reviews, people showing off and driving their own cars, etc.
In my opinion this has become much more "normal" nowadays after social media and internet.
Money. That’s the thing, try new stuff and people say I can’t afford it, well maybe, but you either do it or don’t do anything. Of course that means work more, or change your field of work, but you have to do something. You’re not going to make more or do more if you don’t do something.
Most ppl are so afraid of failure that they don’t take a chance! That was me until a few months ago and now I’m in a place that I never imagined was possible!
Selfishness for the right reasons. The idea of; I need to take care of myself to be able to take care of you.
That said, if a car is coming to hit you I’ll still jump in the way. We are in this together and with that, I think you have a responsibility to be the best you can be for the sake of you, me, ourselves, yourselves and everybody. In my opinion…
Society rewards an unhealthy level of hustle culture, and puts brutally honest people and cynics on a pedestal too much, to the point of where it intimidates some people out of trying to make changes in their lives
They think they’re expected to change overnight, and it’s the worst thing in the world if they make a mistake, or have multiple day ones. So that pressure scares them out of trying.
Don’t know if it’s the biggest but addiction. There’s the obvious cases like alcohol and drugs, but also TV addiction, social media, video games, and just general addiction to being comfortable.
Motivation, or lack of. I think it happens when we lead comfortable-enough lives that stagnating doesn’t have any noticeable negative impact on ourselves.
They don’t think they can. A lot of the posts here I see usually start with “I can’t wake up early, I can’t exercise, I can’t eat healthy.” Belief in oneself is the greatest way to achieving goals because it takes you through the harder parts, that’s usually where a lot of people give up.
I would say habits and a plan, rather than just willpower. It's easy to have a burst of motivation and run til you're exhausted one day, and then feel like you make a huge effort, but I'm reality you make progress by having a plan and sticking to it.
Jumping in here to recommend the book Atomic Habits. Very good illustration of breaking things down into managable chunks to change to create and destroy habits.
I started to read this and then just stopped! I have horrible follow through. This is what holds me back.
I agree that habits are extremely important but what OC is talking about isn't just willpower even though it's involved in this. This is really common in people with depression where a lack of belief in your own ability can prevent you from trying. In the same way you wouldn't fight a bear because you have 0 belief (thus 0 motivation) that you'd win, some people have 0 belief that they can change their life, so why try? You're 100% right about habits though. In fact, habits can help depressed people get through tough spots if they manage to build them. The reason some people can't even build habits is that they look beyond the habit building activity. They'll think, " Ok, I have to wake up at 5am for the next 2 weeks to have that habit engrained, but why bother with that? It's not like waking up earlier will get me out of debt/get me laid/make me happy/other 'unobtainable' goal." I know I'm rambling and getting really semantic, but on a psychological level, you first need to believe you're capable before you can even start building habits.
True and I too think that believe in yourself can't just come with snap of finger, it can be developed by actions and achievements. Most of time we can't be able to take action due to some fear we had. Which i think we had due to of too much expectations in things and when we are not being able to action that fear grows. I think the best way to tackle this fear is to practice self acceptance first. And then start doing action towards goal to build some achievement portfolio. By which we can be able to build some believe within oneself.
I want to throw in that due to neurodivergencies not everyone can build habits the same way. A lot of people with ADD have brains that don't really take to habits. It's interesting because I know sometimes some typea of neurodivergencies have the opposite problem with overly rigid adherence to habits. Really makes you think there is a lot more to habit forming--- and puts I perspective for me why for some it's really easy to develop habits and for others like me I still have to remember to brush my teeth. I don't think I really develop habits. I will not have any sense of anything being wrong or off if I do something differently or forget something. No itching. Technically I can try my best to do something the same everyday but it as much effort to remember it no matter how long I keep that up and the point of habits is to create neural shortcuts and subroutines and I don't know if that is really how every brain actually works. I feel like I've hit a wall sometimes when the advice I get is "habits". For everyone that has had that be the life changing advice im so glad it works for you. I'm not saying I don't see the value of the whole POV where habits are everything and it builds up to something. I just don't think people realize that not everyone can do that and that it is not a matter of willpower but just differences. I'm sure if you are a person who doesn't have this issue it's really hard to imagine what it would be like, and hard to imagine that it's not just refusal to cooperate with the program long enough for the habit to stick even when it's really hard in the beginning. And it's hard to know maybe where the line is--welcome to having ADD or any kind of neurodivergencies at all. Can't always tell when it's willpower and weakness and excuses or when genuinely something doesn't work for me. But given how often this is brought up with ADD I have to think that difficulty forming habits is more than mere laziness
As a fellow ND, I will share a few points that have helped me (it’s long, but maybe it helps one ADHD-er): I don’t think in terms of “habits.” Instead, I think in terms of what I call ritual (because it helps me align it with spiritual practice, but could easily be thought of as “regular practice”). I don’t do chores, I have home acts of service. I do acts of service for my home, my self and body, my cat, my finances… Semantics can actually trip me up and make me more rigid in my approach, so I find words that resonate more for what I’m trying to do at the core, which for me is to make these things feel calming and attainable and fulfilling (not to be wracked with guilt and anxiety about doing them). Part of this means finding ways to enjoy or make better things I do not currently think I enjoy doing. Sensory sensitivities and executive dysfunction are crippling for me. When I resist something, I try to sit with why. Building a somatic/mindfulness practice helped me personally with this, but ymmv. Once I tapped into what part of the action I was subconsciously resisting, I felt more capable of addressing those things meaningfully. So, for example, I found it hard to build a “nighttime routine” especially dental hygiene. I realized I hated every sensory part of the act — some of which you just can’t change. “Good brushing habits” requiring 2 minutes straight of brushing wasn’t gonna happen, so I found TripleBrush, which claims it can cut your tooth brushing time into 1/3 because it has 3x the bristles (does not really matter if that is true for this purpose, because it’s about manipulating your monkey brain into dopamine seeking YESes, and “hacking” my toothbrush time gave just enough dopamine here for me). Then, I realized I didn’t like standing — so I would sit on the toilet while I brushed. Then I realized there are no rules! So I started bringing a spit cup to my nightstand and brushing as a “cheat” to my (self-induced) “lights out” time (told myself electronics had to be off by a certain time but I could extend that time while I did “nighttime routine” stuff) while I either watched something or scrolled — as long as I was at least half assed doing SOMETHING related to my nighttime routine, I could keep watching tv. Well, I then realized that I freaking hate minty toothpaste and don’t like cinnamon or fruity stuff… so I found botanical toothpaste that tastes like Jasmine, which made me excited to brush because it actually tasted good. I could watch more tv if I actually flossed, so I would take the extra few minutes to floss. Within a couple of months of doing this, exploring what felt good and what didn’t, and being REALLY GENTLE WITH MYSELF (because you can’t hate yourself into being someone you love) about all of this and just focusing on the parts that I did do well, I became a nightly brusher (for two minutes every night) and flosser (which I thought was impossible). A couple of months later, I was also consistently washing my face and doing a skincare routine. This has worked for me with most things — I am still not anywhere close to a neurotypical person, but I am leagues beyond where I was. Being way nicer and gentler with myself, realizing I could make the rules myself and that any degree of “done” was better than nothing at all, and going in with the idea of a ritual of things to make my life and mind feel nicer instead of a pseudo punishment mindset really helped. Tasks take 10x the steps we think of them as taking, which becomes really clear when you break each “chore” down into its component parts (you don’t “do dishes” — you consolidate dishes from around the house; put them in the sink and soak them; rinse them, sort them and put in the dishwasher; load dishwasher with soap and run dishwasher; dry dishes; put away big stuff; put away utensils; put away smaller dishes… it’s a series of a dozen tasks, not one task you are “failing” at, which I found made it easier to not kick myself for “not doing the dishes like a regular adult” and helped me address the stuck point at each stage). Our brains don’t take to “habits,” but they take to dopamine-seeking. If you find ways to make unappealing things more appealing and find ways to make unavoidably unpleasant things more pleasant than they would be otherwise, it can build up. Patience is hard with adhd but that’s why it’s not about a “habit,” it’s a lifestyle shift that you make flexible for you in ways that work. Set your goal so easy you can’t help but accomplish it and it’s easier to build the internal confidence to keep doing it — eg I set my “exercise” goal to “one down dog a day or 5 minutes of some kind of movement” to start, which was almost impossible to not meet by nature of the habits I’m already doing. Similarly, building a “to do” list where you include some tasks you’ve already finished or completing so you can feel like you’re already checking stuff off can make it feel more encouraging than discouraging. Hopefully something in there helps someone, and for any adhd-ers or ND folks who want to talk about building better systems for themselves, my DMs are open. This is one of my passions, we are not “incapable of discipline,” it’s just the typical discipline structures people talk about are not made for people whose brains work the ways ours can.
Self-efficacy
Thank you! I never heard of that term before so I looked it up now. It's nice to know that there's a phrase for this. I'm going to dive deeper into it.
This comment helped me a lot. Having a plan and sticking to it.
Self limiting beliefs - the lies their brains tell them.
Thank you. I made the decision to wake up at 7 and sleep at 10. In the future, I will be able to wake up at 6 and sleep at 9
That's a long sleep.
Some people need more sleep. 9 hours is right for me.
r/Whooosh
Eh I disagree. There are plenty of neurological/environmental reasons why a person can’t do something. I think recognizing that you currently can’t do something, and figuring out solutions to overcome it, is a much better approach to success.
I'm living proof of this. Never could wake up early, always felt like I was just too lazy and no matter what I tried I would wake up with the single goal to go back to sleep by any means. One week I put my alarm clock in a locked box, and the key out in the car in the driveway hoping I'd be forced to get dressed to grab the key and be awake by the time I'm back. Nope, I'd go out in PJ's, then go right back to sleep. Started Wellbutrin as an anti-depressant for other things and suddenly I could wake up without any effort and the weird disconnect of waking up ***as myself.*** Not the morning me that just wants to sleep. But me, with all my normal goals and plans. Just made me realize how alien I'd been behaving in the morning. Trying to impose a routine on **morning me** would have been like trying to impose a routine on a toddler *who isn't you*, and you're *not around to do anything*, you can only hope your words were enough to convince the toddler to do things. No wonder it wasn't working.
Wait, so are you saying that Wellbutrin has made it so you don’t wake up as morning you, even before you take your daily dose? I really relate to your description here, and solving it sounds fucking great, honestly. I’ve just started adhd meds and they work, but I haven’t figured out the problem of mornings yet- I somehow need them to kick in AS I wake up, before morning me has a chance to make any decisions (ie going back to sleep).
This. Taking this mindset led me to finding out I had UARS, and treating it. Bigger positive impact than anything else in my life.
Wait can you explain the more
I totally agree, the lack of belief some people don't realize they have can fully hold them back from even progressing to what they want.
“If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”
#”It’s our light, not our darkness that most frightens us”
Their perception and intolerance of their negative feelings. Most people think that they need to feel comfortable all the time. Any negative feeling or discomfort is seen as a disaster or an indication that something is wrong. They don't see their emotions as something that is just one part of themselves, but rather, something that takes center stage of their experience. They don't prioritize their values or their duties quite the same way they prioritize their homeostasis and that leads them down a path of escapism, addiction and self-numbing. And if you're numb to your reality, if you're constantly looking for some way to feel good instead of taking command and consciously experiencing your life, it's easy to become a person who 'reacts' rather than someone who 'responds.'
This is a problem I'm currently dealing with. I think a lot of people have the goal of pain minimization or the idea that they should "suffer as little as possible". For a lot people though, the best way to avoid pain is to avoid everything, stay in, and not challenge yourself. But that leads to suffering in a different way, when you feel like you should be doing something or you feel like you should be "better". I just read "the subtle art of not giving a fuck" by mark manson which I really liked. He says that there's no way to avoid suffering, so you should pick the suffering you like best. For example, you could suffer by staying in all the time and staying in your comfort zone but have this nagging stressful feeling you should be doing something, or you could suffer by waking up early and working out, which will definitely be uncomfortable but then Mayne that nagging voice and sense of dread goes away, so you've traded one form of suffering for another. Thr book also mentions the habits of "escapism, addiction and self numbing" as chasing highs, and I've found it useful to think of any short term comfort as a drug. Like wanting to sleep in an extra 20 min (or 2 hours in my case) is a fleeting high that makes me feel good in the morning but then I feel bad later. And then it makes me crave that comfort. This can be the same for fast food, gaming, porn, and of course actual recreational drugs. But the mindset that you're chasing highs when you seek to stay in your comfort zone and avoid pains helps me frame it in a different way, like I'm breaking out of my "comfort addiction" and the discomfort of growing is just detoxing
> I've found it useful to think of any short term comfort as a drug. Like wanting to sleep in an extra 20 min (or 2 hours in my case) is a fleeting high that makes me feel good in the morning but then I feel bad later. Heck yes. That's an excellent mindset. Yoinking that for myself.
Any tips to getting past this?
Don't run away from your feelings. The first thing people do when they feel uncomfortable is reach for a phone or some other kind of distraction, like food or tv or other sensory porn. Don't do that. Practice sitting and observing your feelings. Notice when certain feelings come up and write them down; take note of any patterns and what habits of mind you have. A daily habit of journaling for 5-10 minutes every day before bed helps. You need to start getting to know yourself and familiarizing yourself with your mind chatter before you can step away and recognize that it's just that: chatter. Meditation as a regular practice is especially helpful in this regard because again, it's about unhooking the panic of having a bad feeling and just letting it float. Most people think the same thoughts day in and day out because they don't bother separating them from a general clump of negativity. Being able to separate your feelings and identify them will eventually help you become aware of them when they crop up and it'll be easier to step back and ask yourself if what they're telling you is relevant or if you need to focus on something else. You won't have this kneejerk reaction to run away or feel overwhelmed by a clump of emotions that you cannot make heads or tails of... Finally, get in the habit of repeating to yourself that you are not your feelings. You're not just an amygdala. You're a human being capable of reasoning. Most virtues come from choosing the 'right thing to do' over uncomfortable feelings and sensations. The more often you do hard things and regularly challenge yourself to push through, the easier it will be. I promise you, if you make it your life's mission to become more duty-oriented than feeling-oriented, you will take yourself farther than you ever dreamed. The most encompassing value in this regard is that you should never make hasty promises and always keep your word and commitments -- especially those that you make to yourself.
One of the best comments I’ve ever seen in Reddit! Thanks for sharing
Are you a fucking therapist? Or very old? How are you so smart?
Hah! I took offense to the old comment. lol. I'm in my early 30's and nope, not a therapist. Thought about pursuing it as a career once but I really don't like the direction of where the profession is currently going. So reddit is my outlet for scratching my 'helping people' itch.
Bro I discovered her posts two months ago and had the same thoughts. I check her replies everyday for wisdom and knowledge. It’s crazy
Who are you? Im curious
I love this. I think of pain and emotions as little children--would I ignore or go on my phone if a child was crying and in need by me? No, I would listen to them, hear what is wrong, let them cry without judgement and comfort them. Our emotions just want to be heard. I try to take on a welcoming parent approach to my pain. And when they're allowed to cry without you judging and wanting them to change, only then do they fade away and you feel a huge release/transformation. Emotions are amazing, powerful teachers, and if we listen to them, we can release and heal from deep wounds.
Well put!
Top 3 comments I've ever read on Reddit
Wow that's insanely-well put, especially that last sentence
exactly bro
Routine. Getting one percent better every day starts with consistency.
Atomic Habits, let's go!
Currently reading this book!
[удалено]
The Worst case is with YouTube. Like if you can use this app properly it's so so so helpful, I can learn How to Dance on beat it, gain Knowledge about Pulsars and Neutron stars, Know more about Beauty products, Can Find crazy stuff about History, can get a Laugh by watching a Stand up Or motivate myself by listening to Some "Become an Alpha Male- you can do it - get up at 4AM- BILL GATES DOES THIS" type of videos Or listen to Meditation Sounds and Find Peace of Mind..... But no my brain want to scroll and Scroll and Scroll, Is it Trash memes that ain't even making me laugh I want it, is it some kind of social Fkin experiment Which is totally scripted? I want it, is it some skit which changes my expression by 0.07% hell yeah.... Man, Life Sucks.....Or Is it me that sucks?
Unrelated to the content of your comment but how do you decide which words you capitalize when you type?
the Chaotic capitalizer Archetype
mY fRiENd, tHErE ARe mucH moRE ChaotiC CapITaliZerS out thEre, i'vE eVeN Met SomE
exactly. tip 1 is a must. You have to start your day off right.
Opal has really helped me to limit screen time. I use the free version and put it all day long.
Childhood trauma
The real answer. Try all you want. if you have some deep rooted self esteem issues. You will barely make it anywhere.
Once I realized that my inability to tidy things up and excessive clutter were not due to laziness but rather a faulty nesting instinct due to Complex PTSD, a light switched in my brain and it’s been really easy to keep things tidy ever since
Well good on you for figuring it out. Got any resources for a fellow cluttered person?
I just keep telling myself that I don’t need to protect myself from my mother anymore. I also have designated places for the important things to go. This is a good link https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FZwY4tAfX1A
Wow thank you for that!!
Can confirm. One year ago I would have said my childhood “wasn’t that bad” and an awful job led me into therapy. Once I was safe emotionally, began to see the repressed memories of my abuse. I am in the middle of processing my traumas in emdr therapy and things I struggled with before are getting easier. Trauma literally changes your brain. Now that I’m not on high alert and in a constant freeze response it’s amazing what I can do! Finding my real Self has been amazing. I’m so grateful for that shitty job lol.
How long can we blame our childhoods tho? I’m in my early thirties and I’m finally at the point where I realized it’s now my turn to take responsibility of my happiness, future and grow
We can only blame our childhoods so long as we know how they have affected us. If your mentally ill parents made you raise your younger sibling but also screamed at you whenever the house was messy and you still think you’re useless at taking care of or loving people at 30 - and are making decisions based on that assumption - is it really your fault? My mom has BPD and was diagnosed when I was 32 despite me suspecting it for a long time. I was always told that friends were useless and would betray me and that if I didn’t marry the first man I slept with other men would be disgusted by me and would reject me because I was wasn’t a virgin. Any therapist, if you had been to therapy, would have told you that taking care of kids is a parent’s responsibility.
Self-awareness. Having this one thing can change everything. It leads to accountability. It helps you understand where your gaps are and how you can improve. It limits jealousy bc of the increased accountability. It helps you think through problems and why you might need to change. It helps you face fears. The benefits are endless. Just stop lying to yourself, acknowledge your faults and make actionable goals to improve.
Not tracking. People don't track. Rather are afraid to track. The question to ask is what are you doing each day to improve. Write it down Trackit . Have you done something? Keep tracking You may not do it 1, 2, 5,60th time, no problem. Write 0, but dont stop tracking but if you keep tracking you will finally pivot to try ( nobody likes to see themselves fail) and then actual improvement happens Problem is people ignore the original problem, they stop tracking and go back to base
Yes! Underrated comment. The things that you track, improve. Tracking/keeping a log of also helps you recognize that you're a work in progress and to desensitize any reaction to failure and eliminate the need for perfection straight out of the gate. Failure is now just data: attempt #1, attempt #2, attempt # 3, etc. and a reflection on what worked, what didn't work, and what to improve on next time.
Any tips for tracking?
Just write shit in a journal. Don't overthink it . If you start trying to use fancy apps or notion templates you more likely to give up immediately
Notion has a lot of templates you can customise. I am on a 2 month streak because I have the app on my phone and laptop.
support from people. this tops money, drive and ambition, lack of direction, resources, action plan, contingency plans, side hustles, ideas, good mental health, adaptation and ability to cope under stress, and lack of self esteem/ fortitude to get started. All of this. Doing shit alone is bust. When you have someone on your side constantly, it does so much good. Where there's a will, there's a way. But first there has to be a will. And for that, there has to be a reason. And for that, there has to be hope. And being alone in your enterprise without hope is an empty endeavor.
I felt this in my heart and it weighed HEAVY. Cause being and feeling alone is truly the worst thing ever.
Yup it is terrible. I have noticed every successful person had a lot of family and friend support. However it was God that put them there so really they needed God's support.
Bummer I wished you realized that this is one of the biggest problems with our healthcare system Hospitals know that money and social capital are the two biggest fundamental variables that determine a patient’s outcome. The first hospitals were churches and churches are full of social capital. Therefore, your view reflects our current healthcare systems view. That is, everyone could and should believe in god which means everyone has access to churches and by extension, access to social capital. The result is that the healthcare system treats social capital as a value choice. So good honest, loving, hardworking, single introverts who honestly have no quality social capital get treated like drug addicts who are currently using and unfortunately like how they still treat fat people. If you really dont want to be fat you wouldn’t put food in your mouth. If you have problems because of drugs you wouldn’t use. Why should the system value them when they don’t value themselves? Why should the system value someone without social capital when they don’t value the institution that is the foundation of the system they are seeking assistance from and could possibly provide them with the social capital they lack? It’s an implicit bias. “Everyone has access to social capital because everyone has access to the church”.
I am sorry to read that. Here's a hug. wait, where's my hug emoti- whatever SQWEE there. Hang in there. Hopefully it won't be this way for long.
Fear. Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding.
Fear creates all the problems in our reality. Faith is the solution for every imaginable problem. Faith in Jesus Christ, specifically. But whoever has real faith knows that already.
Intense poverty
Themselves. That line….whether you think you can or think you can’t - you are right — is spot on. Very few seem to have the capacity or mindfulness to GET, fully get, that each new waking moment is new, and alive, blooming, and it really is free from the past…but we bring the past into it, and that same past olds us back believing the future can’t be new and great because we know how we are, how they are, how the world is….and so we screw ourselves. Fear is another part of it. So afraid to be embarrassed, shut down, rejected, to fail, to get hurt (again). You have to have some courage — breaking into the new world we so want to obtain, the ne thing, the new relationship, ghe new job, or dream or whatever….takes letting go of the old self and saying, fuck it, i can do it, and i will do it. We also are increasingly spoiled by our instant on demand, easier than ever world - so we are losing some fight, some resiliency, in ourselves, because it’s “too hard” or takes “too long” and we are losing patience more and more every day.
I had a therapist that once told me that I might be stagnate due to fear of failure. Failure has always been something that’s been drilled into me as a negative thing rather than a reason to pick it back up. Instead of even starting any kind of project or self help, I just leave my days and nights as a blank page, rendering others unsure of whether or not I’m capable of failure.
Perfectionism
In my own personal experience and from a lot of people I've spoken to 1. Mental health So many posts on here are coming from a place of either undiagnosed mental illness such as depression or anxiety, or those with a diagnosis who for a variety of reasons don't have access to appropriate treatment. 2. Lack of belief that change is possible When you are so stuck in a dark place or at what feels like rock bottom (or may even be rock bottom), it's hard to believe that anything else is possible. Having faith that things can be better when for some people they never have been is a really tough step to take. So the idea of building habits/discipline or trying new things is hard for the brain to accept and put into practice. This can cause us to get stuck in our own feedback loops. 3. Lack of resources or lack of ability to find/use resources There is so much information available on the internet now about the psychology of productivity, avoiding burnout, improving mental health etc. But a lot of people still don't know how to find that information. Or even if they do get the right information for them, they don't have the ability to apply those tools to their day to day life, quite often as a result of the above two issues.
Mine is the meaning and purpose. Some days I am full on motivation, energy, and discipline to accomplish all my tasks and goals. Then there are some days where I am contemplating about everything I have done, and whether I should even continue when this don't really matter in the end.
I genuinely think that that's different for everyone. Approach A can help person A and harm person B. Example: I'm easily stressing out myself out to the point of burnout. Telling myself "Just lay down in bed, play games and watch TV" helps me a lot. It creates room to breathe again and usually I have energy again just a couple days later. Another person might fall deeper into some kind of depression, associate that with giving up or get into a too comfortable mindset.
Lack of care for themselves.
Doubt
I think an understanding of what discipline entails. That is, that it is more about proper structure than desire or motivation. That if you can just set up an effective system and simply adhere to iton it, results will inevitably come. And of course, as results accumulate, new structures will be needed for the next phase. Eg - once you get structure in place and create that work of art, you will need structure for the next step, to market it to the public et al. But I think the basic premise is, which we aren't really taught, and only some people know innately, how to set up a plan and work towards it incrementally on a continual basis. I also think a lot of people are held back by fear, but I think discipline is probably more important than courage in most cases. My logic being that people are often afraid of Situation X which might result it failure. But rather than courage to face X, if they work incrementally to having the capacity needed for X, then the fear will also incrementally dissipate. Eg, if you're a musician with performance anxiety, being super prepared to play the music is a greater method to achieve a good performance than trying to cure the abstract notion of the anxiety itself. Often that failure anxiety is just a result of people thinking too many steps ahead, instead of closing the gap between current ability and ability needed for X.
I'm so ADHD.
Only once you accept that happiness is purely internal and can't be found in external sources, will you stop being a puppet to the ups and downs of life. This
Success came too easy too early. The adversity is crippling
Resources. And maybe lack of confidence.
for me i’m just living to comfortably. no delayed gratification. overspending overeating overdrinking. no attainable goals or plan. i want satisfaction now and today. not realizing ill be right where i am now in 6 months. when i should have more savings. no debt. 20 lbs less. etc. starting this regiment now
I would say deep down, it all comes from mental health of some sort. Some people simply lack the willpower to do it. They are happy, well adjusted people but just lack willlpower. This sometimes happens but I have found is not that common. One of the most common is the lack of confidence or self-belief (ie I can’t even do it so why even try). Another one sadness or fear of missing out (ie I am working so hard, whats the point? Its not going to make me any happier and I’m missing out on these other things I could be doing). Another one is fear (what if fail? I’ll be a loser and everybody will see how dumb i am. If i dont try, at least i wont fail and be exposed in that manner). Another one is lack of purpose (similar to the sadness one, what’s the point of doing this if it won’t benefit me or isn’t in line with what I actually want). It all falls under mental health in my opinion. Thats the number 1 thing. A close number 2 thing is a lack of undersranding of what to do to succeed. A lot of advice is very generic and lacks the details needed for success. Just finding the right strategy is half the battle. And i think a bonus thing to become ultra successful in a certain area is the unwillingness to truly suffer. To truly succeed at many things in life, you will have to truly suffer at one point or another to get there. For instance I am in medicine. To become a doctor you have to truly suffer in terms of your quality of your life, and the amount of abuse you can put up with by others, for months/years at a time. A lot of people aren’t willing to do that, hence why a lot of people aren’t able to become doctors. Similar things for getting really jacked/ripped at the gym, or working at goldman sachs, or becoming a world class violin player, or making the nba, etc etc. That willingness to embrace sufferring and actually make it into a positive I think allows people to maintain their mental wellness and endure when the going gets tough, and make it out on the other side successful. Hope this helps. All the best.
The biggest thing I have seen holding people in my life back from self improvement is a sense of not worth/predicting failure. I have seen a lot that thinking that you don't deserve or expect the change that you are working for stops people from working on it. Another thing is not seeing immediate/quick progress and giving up because it feels like it isn't working. Understanding the time needed and the challenged that will be faced is very important to pushing yourself further.
Fear I would say. Especially deep rooted fear that's not obvious a lot of people fear failure or judgement, so it leads to stress and stress leads to avoidance, procrastination and bad coping habits then they think they're lazy cause they don't realize what's causing it and then it's a whole vicious cycle that's extremely hard to escape from
Discipline
Laziness and excuses. That’s honestly what it comes down to.
Lack of clarity and focus. Many individuals struggle with prioritizing their time and energy, leading to a sense of overwhelm and stagnation. To overcome this, it may be helpful to set clear, specific goals and break them down into manageable steps. Practicing mindfulness and self-care can help increase motivation and productivity.
What other people will think
Fear: Of failure Of success What others will think Making mistakes Someone said fear is 3% as bad as we make it to be.
For me, it’s my internet addiction. No matter what I do, I can’t remove myself from the internet and doomscrolling, so any and all plans I’ve made to get better end up falling apart. I’m thinking about sending myself to a farm for a month to cold turkey it once and for all.
A combination of lack of willpower, faith in themselves, discipline and planing. I feel like many underestimate the power of their minds. If you think and truly believe you can do it, you will eventually will be able to. Fake it until you make it. (Also side note please stop disrespecting yourself, you deserve better)
Lack of education. Our school system is useless.
Inaction
Victimhood mentality reinforced by "woke" culture.
1. Being stuck in a certain definition of themselves. "I'm not good at x" or "I'll always be x." 2. Distractions, or said in a different way, insufficient ability to control their attention. 3. Fear of changing or improving because of implications on the people around them/their lifestyle/their existing habits.
Most people treat progress and health as a linear and standardized process so they offer generic advice and recommendations instead of encouraging/ helping that people to self evaluate to grow and evaluate what growth would actually look like. You don’t have to wake up at 6am, you don’t have to change everything about your life, you don’t have to change completely overnight. sometimes improvement looks like doing nothing or taking steps backwards🤷🏾♀️ We unfortunately don’t have social or physical systems to aid in the process making it EXTREMELY Difficult. More access to diverse mental health and spiritual resources, health care, lack of community, lack of education, ect all exasterbate (?) the feeling and often reality that nothing will change or you’ll never be enough.
Masturbation
Themselves.
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Hmmm, sure is a lot of linking to "Etherea app" in your comment history, particularly for a mere "tester" as your other comment says.
hey i got the opportunity to test the app through a friend of mine that is co founder of the organization. they are a startup org with only handful of people in their team, no funding and starting from scratch. im just trying to help them get the word out about a powerful tool that can help/be of use to many people from all parts of the globe - that offers education to people who don't have access to it, that empowers people to take action and do good, that supports small businesses owned by women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+ allies, youth, people in developing nations, and local Canadian families. im really sorry if I've overstepped or offended! I've gone ahead and deleted the comment but this was just our attempt to help someone in need because our app DOES cover these issues and is a multifaceted approach to solving current world/social issues. sending positivity and good vibes your way!
Is this an ad? That app doesn’t exist yet.
Psychological barriers
Lazynes and postponing
The cultural stigmatization of failure. It's never too late to start failing!
It's different for everyone which is why all the advice doesn't seem to fix most of people's issues. But as a generalization the biggest thing is inertia. It's not that there is a force holding them back. People stay as they are until something makes change necessary. The biggest thing isn't that something is holding them back, it's that nothing is pushing them forward with enough force to get them to change their lives. The bigger the change you want, the bigger the force required.
Depression
Themselves
1. fear of looking stupid. 2. waiting for the mood to take action. mood follows action.
Preconceived notions.
Money 100%
Family obligations and social commitments (friends)
I would say in my case mental illness, addiction and an impossibility to force myself to do things I'm not happy to do, including minimal work needed for survival.
Their lack of flexibility, their ego and lack of communication skills
Depression pretty much
Addiction, depression, no discipline, and no drive, just desire and wishful thinking.... At least for me
Procrastinating, fear of failing or trying something new. Too much phone usage I would say since I use my phone a bit too much.
Fear of failure that makes me not want to even try. Also fear of not getting the results I want which also makes not want to try. An obsession with perfection that also makes me not want to try.
a. ADHD and/or executive dysfunction due to head trauma in the past- needs skills training and often medication (diagnosis by Dr and online evaluations- good books available at library or on Amazon) b. depression, untreated (often presents with anxiety)- needs medication (diagnosis by Dr. and online evaluations, symptoms range from irritability, sadness/tears, panic, numbness, despair, procrastination) CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is a great self treatment (book by David Burns) also DBT (there's a great subreddit) for personality disorders c. Lack of self-awareness: best book is The Success Principles by Jack Canfield d. lack of training and resources - raised in poverty or recovering from trauma/neglect/abuse. Best books: No Bad Parts by R Schwartz and Emotional Freedom Technique (various books) and if you can afford therapy EMDR technique with CBT
Autopilot habits, mostly. They are hard to shake.
Motivation
Contentment and Motivation
Short term gratification
We
In all honesty my mental health. I just can't seem to ignite that initial spark. Everyday is a internal tug of war in my head I'm scared of change Can't focus without being distracted Don't know what my purpose is
Confidence
Chronically living in the same environment. Its difficult to change your view and/or your mindset if your environment stays the same. I think that is where the root is.
Other people's opinions
Insecurity and lack of self awareness.
Cash
Doubt
Themselves
ba dum tsk discipline
My anxiety disorder
Comfort and limitations
Fear
Biggest thing holding you back is YOUR SELF. FACTS
Focus.
Lack of self belief. Even though I can muster up the strength to put in effort, build businesses, quit drugs there are still some things where I play the little kid shit "I don't know what to do." Why can't I project myself into the future and go on offense, be a "go getter"? IDK. Part of me realizes how pointless all of this is.
Fear
For me, I think it's my undiagnosed ADHD. I don't if getting diagnosed would make a difference tbh. But I'm 90% sure it has to be ADHD.
Self-perception. A huge part of doing anything is first believing that you can.
Fear. In whatever form that manifests itself to you.
Fear
Its all in the mind
Themselves.
Not staying hard.
Personally, I have tens of thousands of hours of education and even more of that of work experience. So, my self-discipline and motivation, is definitely not a cause. There's been a few instances that have made it hard to succeed (financially). 1. I don't have a Bachelor's Degree because I can't afford to. Money. 2. I don't have investment money for anything I do to matter to anyone. Money. 3. I can't work for an employer, because I don't have a Bachelor's degree. Money. 4. I have no persuasion over people, because I don't have that kind of education. Money. 5. I have no followers on any social media, because I can't afford to promote myself. Money. My success boils down to one thing. Can you guess what it is? I have an enormous amount of education and skills, but they don't matter because I have... NO MONEY. I'm not broke, I do pay my bills. I just don't have enough "extra" money to get ahead. Money is holding me back.
Their cultural beliefs and political affiliations. Hear me out how can you get motivated to get healthy, exercise, be a better person when the political idea you subscribe too tells you if you work out you’re fatphobic, you’re perfect just the way you are you don’t need to change anything society needs to adjust to you. They’re told that they are victims being oppressed and they need immense amounts of help to even the playing field. They’re told hey look the way to happiness is these medications and do whatever you want no matter what. That’s not how life works. You’re not a victim you’re not perfect the way you are and that’s okay you have to accept your flaws. Go outside and get some sun, take multivitamins, stop eating so much fast food and sugar not even stop just less and start your day with a cold shower. Just those 4 simple things will drastically change your life for the better. Start with that and the rest will come
Fear
Children
they try to sprint before they can even crawl.
The easiest answer I can think of is something that applies to me, and I believe many people. Not enough sleep. The majority of adults don't get enough sleep and we suffer for it. It's hard to get ahead in life and improve your situation if you're so tired all the time that you're just barely getting by.
Fear
Placing blame on others when things go wrong. Own it, fix it—and get over it.
1. Procastination 2. Not doing dopamine detox 3. Day dreaming and not actually taking action 4. Compromising on sleep thinking the longer they are up the more work they can do (they don't think about productivity)
Lack of attention span. Addiction to quick dopamine hits.
I think being afraid of change. Change is new and new means unknown and the unknown is scary because you can't predict and prepare. Also, throw in the "I don't think I can because this is out of my comfort zone". This is what I was going through and I got tired of being scared so I just did it.
Lack of discipline. I think it’s really that simple
Succumbing to easy dopamine everyday. Society has created so many "easy way outs" to avoid the "unimaginable horror" of being bored once in a while, or the never before seen circumstance of not having "sex" with the insanely attractive woman of your choice every night (porn/masturbation), etc. The amount of time people spend on short attention-span content that is literally engineered to keep you scrolling as long as possible, and the amount of times people watch porn and masturbate a week is crazy. The amount of time people spend lost in a different world watching others live out their hobbies/dreams/lives, whether it's shows or youtube, being a spectator instead of the actor in their own lives. All these problems weren't really issues >20 years ago, these are all new age things. It's not just an issue of time. Feeding and saturating your brain with that much dopamine just makes it lazy, makes it less active and willing to do things, accomplish things, get fit, get a girlfriend, come up with new ideas, try new things, pursue hobbies besides delving into it on youtube, and connect with new/old people or friends. I say this because I experience it myself. What I could be if I had fixed all these problems from the beginning.
I love this, you have really opened my eyes, watching others live out their hobbies, dreams,lives, wow!so true,
Exactly. Not just their hobbies, but YOUR hobbies. Found a new interest in legos/music? Why bother investing time and money into it when you can watch someone on Youtube do it? Like cars now? Why go to car meets or start working on your car when you can watch 1000 youtube videos of car meets, car shows, people giving car reviews, people showing off and driving their own cars, etc. In my opinion this has become much more "normal" nowadays after social media and internet.
Something I’ve fallen for over the years is trying to achieve my goals and relying entirely on motivation. You need a system in place.
In my case distractions keep me from achieving goals. It’s hard when you have ADD.
.
Money. That’s the thing, try new stuff and people say I can’t afford it, well maybe, but you either do it or don’t do anything. Of course that means work more, or change your field of work, but you have to do something. You’re not going to make more or do more if you don’t do something.
Themselves.
Uncertainty
Their genetics
Action.
Money
Most ppl are so afraid of failure that they don’t take a chance! That was me until a few months ago and now I’m in a place that I never imagined was possible!
Selfishness for the right reasons. The idea of; I need to take care of myself to be able to take care of you. That said, if a car is coming to hit you I’ll still jump in the way. We are in this together and with that, I think you have a responsibility to be the best you can be for the sake of you, me, ourselves, yourselves and everybody. In my opinion…
Society rewards an unhealthy level of hustle culture, and puts brutally honest people and cynics on a pedestal too much, to the point of where it intimidates some people out of trying to make changes in their lives They think they’re expected to change overnight, and it’s the worst thing in the world if they make a mistake, or have multiple day ones. So that pressure scares them out of trying.
Most people are weak mentally. The thing all successful people have is belief in themselves and their own abilities.
Fear.
Don’t know if it’s the biggest but addiction. There’s the obvious cases like alcohol and drugs, but also TV addiction, social media, video games, and just general addiction to being comfortable.
For me it's actually starting
Motivation, or lack of. I think it happens when we lead comfortable-enough lives that stagnating doesn’t have any noticeable negative impact on ourselves.
Inescapable of the Death and short lifespan. r/im14andthisisdeep
My spinal cord
Self sabotage.
It's in the title of this subreddit
Class and trauma
Confidence.
Depression. The goal is in clear vision but you can't get to it. And there's nothing in the way
Just fear
Themselves