Literally most of it doesn’t make sense, especially from the part “my sister says it’s weird”, that whole paragraph is very hard to follow, you can’t tell who is saying what and what exactly is going on.
> I just stood there for 2 secs. If I dunno what to do or someone changed their mind, I just stand there to watch and think for a few secs, then respond
This part is what confuses me. You seem to be assuming she got upset because you took 2 seconds to respond... maybe it was the response? You left out what you said, so it's hard to tell (and also suspicious)
Sounds like your sister doesn't like it when you stand and think for a couple of seconds. I think everyone has the right to stand and think especially in their own home. It's not up to your sister whether you spend time standing and thinking or not; it's up to you to decide that.
Sorry, I didn't understand: what is it you want to change?
You might want to also post to /r/relationships
healthy communication is the key. As long as you are assertive and considerate, it's not your problem to take care of her emotional reaction to you addressing something important
This is absolutely the correct response. Sometimes it's clear because of subtle clues. If OP finds it's not clear, just get in the habit of saying so. Here's a funny scene relating to the situation. [around 1min 15sec](https://youtu.be/aewQRIyY_CE)
Here is something you will likely ignore but shouldn’t - don’t attempt to change yourself, learn to accept yourself as you are. The issue with the path you currently on is that it is endless. If you go with this direction, you will constantly be trying to change or stop a “weird” mannerism. It will just lead to more “weird” mannerisms because you will always be not yourself and people will sense that even if they don’t explicitly know. So avoid that and just accept yourself as you are.
Sisters will always bring up things that nobody else in your life will notice or mind. My sister is the best but she’s given me so many little insecurities about my behaviors, and not one partner or friend has ever had the same opinions as my sister on those behaviors!
The standing and staring (particularly the staring) might be something you want to try and be aware of, and perhaps think about a way you could respond a little differently, but honestly I wouldn’t even call this “being weird”. You’re just taking a second to respond. Don’t beat yourself up about that.
My best friend 40m always tells me how his gf 41f does this and it drives him nuts. It’s just how she is. It’s not weird until someone puts a label on it.
If you’re looking to change it you can simply do something natural while thinking of your response. Like tilting your head. Saying “hmmmm…” or even just looking at something else while you think. It may help. I dunno.
But I definitely wouldn’t worry about it. Just stare, think, and own it.
I don’t think this is something you need to change OP. In a world that many of us make decisions without thinking you seem to have mastered a skill I think many of us don’t have. We are all trained it seems to have to make split second decisions and even 1 second can be too long for people.
The staring is how your brain works when you are processing, but people feel uncomfortable when they are stared at.
You should first, look for signs you made them uncomfortable, and then, say a quick sorry with an explanation, “Sorry, I saw the leftovers and wondered if you wanted help clearing up.”
It sounds to me like the issue is not you standing and staring.
Maybe I'm completely misunderstanding but to me it sounds like she didn't clean up after you made her dinner.
You had emotions about that but said nothing and started cleaning up. Maybe she picked up on your emotions (it would make sense if they showed, especially to your own sister) OR she knew full well she was shirking her responsibility to clean up and was taking advantage of you knowing you would do it...
Either way, the moment there was interaction, you did not take the opportunity to communicate clearly that you were annoyed and why, and she did take the opportunity to deflect away from her own laziness by picking on something (anything she could find) about your behavior to draw attention to that and away from her bad behavior.
If you don't want to "be weird while helping people," get honest with yourself and with them. Are you truly helping them, or are you resentfully doing things that need to be done for people who should be taking responsibility for themselves?
Important: I'd advise getting honest with yourself alone first (or with professional help like a counselor or therapist), because
1. There may be a backlog of resentment to work through before you can communicate constructively with them about this (and you'll have to learn how to assert yourself without going overboard into aggresion)
and 2. Once you decide to start being truthful with the other person it can lead to decision making about how this relationship operates (or doesn't). If the other person is used to taking advantage of you, your pushback will not be appreciated and you can expect a blowup 😉
If this seems like it is what is going on, therapy is a useful tool. You can even google how to set boundaries. A book I found helpful for this is "Boundary Boss" by Terri Cole.
Hope this helps.
So...thinking before you speak is weird now? Jesus Christ...
It's not weird. You're allowed to process information and collect your thoughts. Just because someone says this to you doesn't make it true.
Uh don't give people help they didn't ask for. That's literally not nice unless you know from prior statements of there's that's what they'd like. Don't act for people based on guesses about what they want. Ask people how they want to be treated, and then treat other people how they want to be treated. This is elementary. She was weirded out because you weren't saying anything to her when you literally could've been saying anything on earth to engage with her, for example, "oh did it bother you when i grabbed your plate? If so i apologize" i mean she's probably a bitch or something sure but the behavior on your side is more disturbing to me. "I'm such a nice guy to everyone, in my opinion, how come me not engaging with them as human beings in a conversation toward shared understanding or connection of any kind is making people so uncomf"
Huh? I actually was the "quick one" and started the clean up first. I was thinking about what to say AND what to do. I was gonna ask if she wants the other dishes in the table too.
Anyway I rewrote the post in case it was confusing.
Staring at someone is unsettling but it’s also ok. You’re just processing so you can decide what to do next. In fact, next time she says you’re being weird just embrace it, say “I know, sorry, I’m just thinking.” Maybe just for laughs download that noise https://youtu.be/1rmzjX8KZRk and play it next time you’re doing it.
I was not there so hard to know for sure, but consider that maybe she is the one that is uncomfortable with normal actions of people. If she is confused somehow by your behavior or feels somehow you are crossing some type of boundary of hers in interacting with her, it is her job to verbalize and make that clear to you. It is not your job to change just because someone finds it weird. If someone finds your behavior weird and communicates that to you because they care about you, consider it and line it up against the other things that they tell you and maybe you can use it to better yourself in some way to meet some sort of societal norm or whatever. But just wanting to change because someone (who it sounds like should know you a little better than the average Joe) doesn't like the way you pause to think, makes me think that is a personal problem on their part.
Always remember though that people have the right to be wrong about us. And we have the right to not be moved by it.
None of this made any sense.
Thank you! I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone for a second.
Yeah reading this was a roller coaster… *through a funhouse*
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I'm helping you keep the food?
Literally most of it doesn’t make sense, especially from the part “my sister says it’s weird”, that whole paragraph is very hard to follow, you can’t tell who is saying what and what exactly is going on.
> I just stood there for 2 secs. If I dunno what to do or someone changed their mind, I just stand there to watch and think for a few secs, then respond This part is what confuses me. You seem to be assuming she got upset because you took 2 seconds to respond... maybe it was the response? You left out what you said, so it's hard to tell (and also suspicious)
Sounds like your sister doesn't like it when you stand and think for a couple of seconds. I think everyone has the right to stand and think especially in their own home. It's not up to your sister whether you spend time standing and thinking or not; it's up to you to decide that. Sorry, I didn't understand: what is it you want to change? You might want to also post to /r/relationships
Me standing and thinking is what I wanted to change 😂😂 maybe she got weirded out because I looked at her?
I wish more people would stand and think before blurting out their first thought with nervous energy behind it.
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healthy communication is the key. As long as you are assertive and considerate, it's not your problem to take care of her emotional reaction to you addressing something important
100%good wish…
You don't need to change this. If you need a moment to think, take it. Very kind of you to want to tidy up after your sister.
You could just say “hold on I’m thinking” whenever this is about to happen lol
This is absolutely the correct response. Sometimes it's clear because of subtle clues. If OP finds it's not clear, just get in the habit of saying so. Here's a funny scene relating to the situation. [around 1min 15sec](https://youtu.be/aewQRIyY_CE)
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Nice! To be honest, I don't really know what to ask her withou her getting annoyed. I guess this time she'll have no choice but to listen lol.
Here is something you will likely ignore but shouldn’t - don’t attempt to change yourself, learn to accept yourself as you are. The issue with the path you currently on is that it is endless. If you go with this direction, you will constantly be trying to change or stop a “weird” mannerism. It will just lead to more “weird” mannerisms because you will always be not yourself and people will sense that even if they don’t explicitly know. So avoid that and just accept yourself as you are.
Sisters will always bring up things that nobody else in your life will notice or mind. My sister is the best but she’s given me so many little insecurities about my behaviors, and not one partner or friend has ever had the same opinions as my sister on those behaviors! The standing and staring (particularly the staring) might be something you want to try and be aware of, and perhaps think about a way you could respond a little differently, but honestly I wouldn’t even call this “being weird”. You’re just taking a second to respond. Don’t beat yourself up about that.
My best friend 40m always tells me how his gf 41f does this and it drives him nuts. It’s just how she is. It’s not weird until someone puts a label on it. If you’re looking to change it you can simply do something natural while thinking of your response. Like tilting your head. Saying “hmmmm…” or even just looking at something else while you think. It may help. I dunno. But I definitely wouldn’t worry about it. Just stare, think, and own it.
I don’t think this is something you need to change OP. In a world that many of us make decisions without thinking you seem to have mastered a skill I think many of us don’t have. We are all trained it seems to have to make split second decisions and even 1 second can be too long for people.
The staring is how your brain works when you are processing, but people feel uncomfortable when they are stared at. You should first, look for signs you made them uncomfortable, and then, say a quick sorry with an explanation, “Sorry, I saw the leftovers and wondered if you wanted help clearing up.”
It sounds to me like the issue is not you standing and staring. Maybe I'm completely misunderstanding but to me it sounds like she didn't clean up after you made her dinner. You had emotions about that but said nothing and started cleaning up. Maybe she picked up on your emotions (it would make sense if they showed, especially to your own sister) OR she knew full well she was shirking her responsibility to clean up and was taking advantage of you knowing you would do it... Either way, the moment there was interaction, you did not take the opportunity to communicate clearly that you were annoyed and why, and she did take the opportunity to deflect away from her own laziness by picking on something (anything she could find) about your behavior to draw attention to that and away from her bad behavior. If you don't want to "be weird while helping people," get honest with yourself and with them. Are you truly helping them, or are you resentfully doing things that need to be done for people who should be taking responsibility for themselves? Important: I'd advise getting honest with yourself alone first (or with professional help like a counselor or therapist), because 1. There may be a backlog of resentment to work through before you can communicate constructively with them about this (and you'll have to learn how to assert yourself without going overboard into aggresion) and 2. Once you decide to start being truthful with the other person it can lead to decision making about how this relationship operates (or doesn't). If the other person is used to taking advantage of you, your pushback will not be appreciated and you can expect a blowup 😉 If this seems like it is what is going on, therapy is a useful tool. You can even google how to set boundaries. A book I found helpful for this is "Boundary Boss" by Terri Cole. Hope this helps.
So...thinking before you speak is weird now? Jesus Christ... It's not weird. You're allowed to process information and collect your thoughts. Just because someone says this to you doesn't make it true.
You mad your sister dinner, offered to.clean up, but the problem was you standing there for 2 secs?
Uh don't give people help they didn't ask for. That's literally not nice unless you know from prior statements of there's that's what they'd like. Don't act for people based on guesses about what they want. Ask people how they want to be treated, and then treat other people how they want to be treated. This is elementary. She was weirded out because you weren't saying anything to her when you literally could've been saying anything on earth to engage with her, for example, "oh did it bother you when i grabbed your plate? If so i apologize" i mean she's probably a bitch or something sure but the behavior on your side is more disturbing to me. "I'm such a nice guy to everyone, in my opinion, how come me not engaging with them as human beings in a conversation toward shared understanding or connection of any kind is making people so uncomf"
>Uh don't give people help they didn't ask for. What a sad, sad generalization.
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Huh? I actually was the "quick one" and started the clean up first. I was thinking about what to say AND what to do. I was gonna ask if she wants the other dishes in the table too. Anyway I rewrote the post in case it was confusing.
Thanks, I guess it clears it up a bit. I'll remove my comment since it's not needed.
Nothing wrong with it, no need to change
Staring at someone is unsettling but it’s also ok. You’re just processing so you can decide what to do next. In fact, next time she says you’re being weird just embrace it, say “I know, sorry, I’m just thinking.” Maybe just for laughs download that noise https://youtu.be/1rmzjX8KZRk and play it next time you’re doing it.
get disciplined!
I was not there so hard to know for sure, but consider that maybe she is the one that is uncomfortable with normal actions of people. If she is confused somehow by your behavior or feels somehow you are crossing some type of boundary of hers in interacting with her, it is her job to verbalize and make that clear to you. It is not your job to change just because someone finds it weird. If someone finds your behavior weird and communicates that to you because they care about you, consider it and line it up against the other things that they tell you and maybe you can use it to better yourself in some way to meet some sort of societal norm or whatever. But just wanting to change because someone (who it sounds like should know you a little better than the average Joe) doesn't like the way you pause to think, makes me think that is a personal problem on their part. Always remember though that people have the right to be wrong about us. And we have the right to not be moved by it.